I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
Tags: violence

Plot synopsis:
A motorbike gang kills an occultist with a crossbow during a satanic ritual. An evil spirit inhabits a damaged bike. Noddy is then seen purchasing that very motorcycle for the price of £1100 from a dealer, but he tells Kim he only paid £600. He proceeds to take it home and fix, with his friend, Buzzer, and girlfriend, Kim, the damage caused by the crossbow by replacing the fuel tank. Buzzer steals the petrol cap for "funsies" but then the bike kills him by decapitation.
It is revealed to the audience that the vehicle has become a bloodthirsty monster. Noddy goes to the scene of the crime where he meets an inspector who smells like garlic. Later, Noddy has a bad dream that the inspector gives him Buzzer's head in a bag and it talks at him but then he wakes up. Then he goes back to sleep and dreams Buzzer is a poo that jumps in his mouth and starts asking how he is. Noddy wakes up again and is chewing his duvet. Noddy and Kim go to the pub and order a large vodka tonic and a pint of cider. Then ten of the bikers from the beginning come in and shoot the bar with the crossbow. One then offers to show Kim his "chopper" while she is playing pool. She declines, claiming not to have brought her magnifying glass. He then proceeds to unsheathe an axe and attack the pool table and moving onto plates, starting a bar wide brawl of 10 bikers against our protagonists. Kim manages to slip out the front and drive the bike round the back of the pub where Noddy jumps on it from the first floor and then gets shot with a crossbow bolt.
They then have Chinese. When Kim orders garlic prawns, the bike goes mad and drives off with her. It takes her under a bridge, throws her off and makes advances on her, until it notices the crucifix around her neck. It drives off back to the pub where Chopper attempts to steal it but the bike stabs him through the leg with a large metal spike, then launches him at some graffiti artists. It then proceeds to exact its revenge on the rest of the gang, decapitating the majority and leaving only Roach with a bolt inserted into his posterior.
Noddy then finds out Kim has been taken to hospital where she describes the bike's advances with a hollow look in her eyes. It is then seen that the inspector is looking at some heads. Noddy then goes to a priest, who also has a motorcycle. There is then several crucifix wipes as they travel to the garage where the bike is kept. The priest is sarcastic and does not believe Noddy. Not wanting to be taken into the sunlight, the bike uses its brake lever to sever the priest's fingers. Determining the bike is a vampire, the priest decides to do an exorcism. Believing the bike will come back for Kim, the priest gives her a crucifix and garlic. The priest throws a shuriken at a fly whilst planning the exorcism and exclaims "Right. Let's go kick some bottom!".
The vampire bike stops Noddy and the priest on the way home by disabling the bike they are riding, so they decide to call a taxi but instead wait for a bus. It is a race against the sun to get to the vampire bike before nightfall when it will be free to roam once more. During the exorcism, the priest is hit in the head with a wrench and Noddy is blown around the room by a mysterious wind, knocking him into cupboards. The priest is then crucified with a crown of barbed wire. Believing to have successfully vanquished the demon, the priest sprinkles holy water, but that only makes the bike angry, growing spikes and glowing red.
Noddy runs off and steals a police motorcycle, dragging the policeman behind him, who is almost run over by the vampire bike. The bike is chased by a police car, while the priest attempts to explain it to the authorities and Kim is washed, having her garlic removed. The bike evades the police by driving vertically down a wall and goes to the hospital to finish off Kim but not before cleaving the tea lady in two. Kim uses her crucifix to scare it away, so it goes after Roach, passing the priest and inspector in the corridor of the hospital. Roach crashes while fleeing and lands in a coffin. He is presumed dead.
The bike then goes for Noddy but gets its front wheel stuck in a bridge, giving Noddy the chance to throw it in a river and spit. Thinking he is safe, Noddy has a victory smoke, but the audience sees a red-light under the water. Noddy then sees it and screams and runs around like a lunatic. He hides in a gym, but the bike doesn't take long to find him and start attacking the patrons with its spikes. Noddy then bashes the bike, which feigns death, making everyone feel safe, until it starts throwing people's limbs in the air. The inspector scares it with his smell. The bike manages to trap Noddy against a wall, but is stopped when Noddy turns on a sun bed. Everyone uses their crucifix and/or garlic breath to force it into the light and it melts. Kim asks how much Noddy really spent on the bike and the priest says they are usually reliable. Back in Noddy's workshop, he accidentally cuts his hand and the blood drips onto the bike's old fuel tank which springs open, leaving the audience begging for a sequel.

Review: For anybody who needs to give their brain a rest.
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is the definition of "Good Bad", from the title that describes the entire plot, to the broad-brush performances, to the suspension of disbelief that comes when you know the budget is laughably small, but you *don't care*.
Those who love the work of Troma will discover that the British can do the same thing, and with even more gore and humour.Neil Morrissey, pre "Men behaving Badly", plays Noddy, an innocent young Birmingham motorbike courier who buys a classic Norton with a dark history.
What follows provides a hilariously imaginative reworking of every scene you'd expect from a self-respecting vamp flick, but on two wheels and set in Birmingham.
The special effects are zero-budget but enthusiastic, and the title creature in its mutated hunting guise is a highly impressive piece of kit, complete with Ancient Briton-style axle blades.
Morrissey looks as terrified and bemused as the script requires him to be, but the film is stolen by Anthony "C3PO" Daniels as a camply gung-ho biker exorcist, complete with razor-sharp throwing-crosses.
Michael Elphick provides sterling support as a Sweeney-esque copper with a life-saving taste in snacks.
As the punk rock soundtrack pounds (complete with inevitable theme song "She Runs On Blood...She Don't Run On Gasoline) and the severed heads of Hells Angels fly across the screen, you will revel in thrills, spills, cheap sexual innuendo, and low comedy.
Great fun movie, with a "don't care" attitude.
I've caught this movie quite a few times and I always enjoy it.
It's the tale of a despatch rider (played by Neil Morrisey) who buys a demonically possessed motorcycle that runs on blood instead of petrol.
It's a silly idea fleshed out with great characters; a comedy vicar (played by Anthony Daniels) and fine comic copper (Michael Elphick).
The films cheap, but resolutely cheerful and the overall effect is very pleasing.
Particularly good apres pub viewing.
I'd recommend it..
Enjoyable.
An enjoyable romp by the cast of Boon who are obviously enjoying themselves in a silly but entertaining horror.Not to be taken seriously , not the greatest horror , a definite B-Movie as it was supposed to be , so for me it hits the targets .If you liked Boon a motorcycle courier and almost Rockford files English TV programme with Michael Elphick and Neil Morrisey just shot in Nottingham rather than Birmingham which the film is then u will probably enjoy the actors hamming it up.Reminded me of some of the old Dracula films by Hammer , but using a motorbike instead of a foreign Count and that i think is what it is a Homage to Hammer by a TV cast using cheap effects and filming worth watching just don't expect too much..
Brilliant film!.
This was one of the best b-films I've seen for a long time, with humorous references to classic sixties biker/horror films such as Psychomania and The Damned, more than a few hilarious one liners, and Neil Morrisey before he was famous.
And anyone who has actually owned and ridden a Norton like the star of the film, will know exactly where the writers are coming from.
Rent it now - highly recommended for an evenings dvd entertainment..
Great British Comedy Horror.
Watching this movie is like going back in time; lots of blood 'n' guts, and all done in worst possible taste!
However, unlike some of the earlier video-nasty 'slasher' films which often just tried to shock, this story unfolds with a sense humour, albeit not very subtle.
Without giving too much of the story away, the title sums up the plot.
Neil Morrissey is great as Noddy the dispatch rider, who buys a second hand Norton at a 'knock down' price, not realising it's possessed by a vampire demon.
Other great performances from Amanda Noar as Kim, Michael Elphick (sadly missed) as garlic-breathed Inspector Cleaver and Anthony Daniels as the Priest ("Let's go and kick some bottom!").
This is surely Danny Peacock's finest hour when he appears as a talking turd!
Also good to see Burt Kwouk as the owner of an unfortunately named Chinese Takeaway and Graham Padden as PC Ben E.
Dorm.
Great music score by Dean Friedman, who coincidentally also wrote the music for Boon (starring Michael Elphick and Neil Morrissey).
It's a pity they don't make films like this any more!.
Vampire bike, Classic.
Starting off with a biker group demon worshipping when the rival bike group let loose heel and kill all the guys.
The bod who's been calling up the demon gets possessed and some thing strange happens to the bike!
A normal bloke (noddy) buys it wondering why it only starts at sundown.The bike getting its own revenge for the killing of its former owner.
hilarity ensues with the former cast of boon try's to capture the rouge demon bike.Thank god C3PO gets involved in the form of the priest.A classic spoof horror, which you don't see anymore, Still a bit weird watching Neil Morrisey in things other than B&Q adverts..
Without doubt the worst movie I have ever seen.
Dreadful!
A friend of mine (who obviously thought I had an abysmal sense of humour) recommended this.It's bobbins.
I almost switched it off.
It is only my anal desire to not leave things unfinished that prevented me doing so.This was evidently a British attempt to make a movie with a bunch of also ran TV actors using some lame script from their mate in the business.
I struggle to think of anything even approaching the paucity of this movie.
Less funny than global warming.I'm not normally so vehement, but I watched this well over ten years ago and thought that I wasted an hour or so of my life on it is destructive.Puerile, plot less, useless tosh.I'd rather eat my feet than watch it again..
Take it for a spin..
Brummie motorbike courier Noddy (Neil Morrissey) buys himself a classic Norton Commando, unaware that his new ride is possessed by a demon and requires blood for fuel.
With the help of a garlic-breathed police detective (Michael Elphick) and a biker priest (Anthony Daniels), Noddy tries to stop the evil machine's reign of terror.A man behaving badly, Private Schulz and C3PO versus a motorbike: this loopy British comedy horror looks cheap and the humour is uneven, but it is all so delightfully daft that it's hard to hate on it too much.
Similar in tone to early Peter Jackson movies (but nowhere near as full throttle, mind you), I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle combines low-brow comedy with oodles of gore, making it the perfect accompaniment to a couple of beers (or whatever you prefer to smoke).The craziness includes a talking turd in a toilet (played by Daniel Peacock), a sword fight in a pub, an ex-Grange Hill student (Paula Ann Bland) in a nurse's uniform being cut in half, the riderless Norton decapitating a gang of Hell's Angels, a traffic warden getting her comeuppance, and Burt Kwouk as a a Chinese Takeaway owner called Fu King.
All that and a healthy serving of cheesy splatter makes the film worth a go, even if we are presented with the genuinely horrific sight of Morrissey's arse rising from the crapper..
Terrible yet strangely compulsive.
The film is boring and yet it has to be watched simply because of the premise indicated by the daft title.
But the toilet scene is quite fantasticly disgusting.
If you have the time, watch it and forget it..
The Worst British Comedy Ever.
"What a load of SH**" said the Drunk in the Back row of the UCI in West Thurrock.
He then fell back into his seat and fell asleep.
The movie continues and  a piece of SH** nearly chokes a man to death.
luckily the drunk was in dreamland when this scene came on.i stayed to the bitter end.
The cast have to deliver the worst line i have ever heard.id sooner watch Boys in Blue with Cannon and Ball than this rubbish.Anthony Daniels shows why his best playing C3P0,His awful as a Priest.Loads of Blood and gore no laughs though and considering its a comedy well you could of fooled me.1 out of 10.
Underrated British gem.
OK this movie ain't going to win any awards but for undemanding fun it's great and the late Michael Elphick(Boon)is fantastic as the garlic breathed Police Officer, yes you can see where this characters breath is going to really come in handy, there is gore,even a talking turd that flies into Neil Morrissey's mouth ewwwww.
Also if you love the classic Motorcycle Norton you will really like the "monster" and it's even got a rock song "She runs on blood...She don't run on Gasoline"and loads of carry on style humour.
You can see the cast had a blast doing this film So go on watch it and if you get the UK region 2 M.I.A disc it's got heaps of great extras.
For example they used the Boon Cast and sets without prior permission from ITV great stuff.
She crawls on blood.
Nothing fancy here, the low budget shows in every scene but basically this is an OK horror comedy with a lot of love for 70s and 80s bikes and some cute gags; the music is not bad either and there's some good screaming.Sadly, the whole thing goes on for much too long and at a snail's pace - as if the filmmakers had decided that full feature length was compulsive (which it is not, especially for such a one-trick pony).
There are only so many ways in which you can portrait an inanimate object as menacing and frankly the movie starts to drag sooner or later depending on your goodwill.
To fill the whole time, there should be more plot, which brings me to the burning question why the titular "vampire" Norton Commando doesn't spawn any bloodsucking offspring throughout the movie ...
a finale with a whole armada of vamped-up bikes (sorry, couldn't resist) would have been the obvious way to go.
Oh well, budget restrictions I guess ...Recommended for fans of those bikes (like me) and cheap laughs (like me) but don't expect any wonders and keep that bottle handy!