Meet the Spartans

Plot synopsis:
The film opens with a Spartan elder inspecting a talking baby ogre. The baby vomits on the inspector and is then discarded with a punt off the hill. Next, he inspects a Vietnamese baby, and Brangelina instantly adopts it. Baby Leonidas is then inspected, having a six-pack, biceps, and beard from birth. He is accepted as a Spartan and prepared for kinghood through his childhood training, from fighting his grandmother to enduring torture. Leonidas (Sean Maguire) is then cast out into the wild, and survives the harsh winter while killing a giant dancing penguin. Returning a king for his inauguration ceremony, Leonidas sees Margo (Carmen Electra) dancing and asks her to marry him, to which she responds by giving him the combination to her chastity belt.Years later, Leonidas is training when Captain (Kevin Sorbo) informs him that a Persian messenger has arrived. The messenger has come to present Xerxes' demands for Sparta's submission. Leonidas arrives to greet the messenger in the Spartan way (high-fives for the women and open mouth tongue kisses for the men). After growing angry with both the messenger's disrespect and making out with his wife, Leonidas kicks him, the messenger's bodyguards, and then several other people he simply disliked, ranging from Britney Spears (Nicole Parker), Ryan Seacrest, Michael Jackson and Kevin Federline (Nick Steele) to Sanjaya Malakar (Tony Yalda) and the American Idol judges into "the pit of death". As Leonidas walks off he turns to a column that has a switch that reads "Garbage Disposal", and flips the switch causing the celebrities to spiral to their "death".Resolving to face the Persians, Leonidas visits the Oracle, proposing an "erotic-sounding" strategy to repel the numerically superior enemy after offering the priests various skin-care lotions for guidance. The Oracle, Ugly Betty (Crista Flanagan), reveals that Leonidas will die should he go to war. The next day, Leonidas meets the soldiers assembled for his departure to Thermopylae, and finds that only 13 (not 300) were accepted in the army, since there were stringent specifications to be accepted "Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans, and well-endowed". Three among them include Captain, his son, Sonio, and a slightly unfit Spartan named Dilio, who, as the Captain states, "Has a lot of heart...and nice man boobs." Once at the Hot Gates, they encounter Paris Hilton (also played by Parker), who tells Leonidas and the Captain about a secret goat path above the Hot Gates that Xerxes could use to outflank the Spartans. When she asks to be made a Spartan soldier Leonidas rejects her as unqualified.Leonidas and his platoon soon face off with Xerxes' messenger and his Immortals, beating them in a dance contest before driving them off a cliff. Xerxes (Ken Davitian), impressed, personally approaches Leonidas and attempts to bribe him in a Deal or No Deal fashion. Despite the soldiers' encouragements, the Spartan king declines, saying that he will instead make the "God King" fall. The Spartans then face the Persian army in a "Yo Momma" fight, ending with a victory, in spite of Dilio having his eyes scratched out. Though victory seemed to be in the Spartans' grasp, Paris Hilton betrays the Spartans and reveals the location of the goat path to Xerxes, having been promised having her hump removed as one of her traitorous rewards. Using a CGI army, Xerxes meets the 12 remaining Spartans and the war is on.Meanwhile, back in Sparta, Queen Margo sexually submits to Traitoro in order to persuade him to send more troops to assist Leonidas. He states that he will finally lose his virginity while using his cell phone to take pictures. However, he reveals publicly that she has not been chaste. The anger at this revelation provokes a symbiote suit to envelop her, mirroring the parasitic symbiote Spider-Man suit in Spider-Man 3. She fights with Traitoro, who, in line with the parody, becomes the Spider-Man 3 villain the Sandman. Margo wins the battle with a vacuum cleaner - and Traitoro's treachery is revealed when it is discovered that Xerxes is in Traitoro's Top Five, whereupon Sparta agrees to send more troops.At the Battle of Thermopylae, the Persians introduce their secret weapons: Ghost Rider, who is quickly defeated, and Rocky Balboa, who decapitates Sonio with one right hook but is killed by a vengeful Captain with a Botox-laced syringe. Captain then gets killed by a spear, thrown through his torso by Xerxes.Captain's death enrages Leonidas, and the battle sequence switches to a Grand Theft Auto-esque format as he runs through the Persian Army and corners Xerxes. While running away, Xerxes finds the "Transformer Cube" and harnesses its power to combine with a convertible to become "Xerxestron", playing "Leave Britney Alone" videos to prove his "godly power". But Xerxestron ends up delivering on Leonidas's promise to "fall", as his power cord disconnects and he falls forward, crushing the surviving Spartans under his bulk. Thus the narrator concludes, "Leonidas was true to his word: a god-king did fall... but unfortunately, right on them!" The blind Dilio, who left prior to the final battle, eventually returns to Sparta to tell of Leonidas' final moments. A year later, Dilio leads a force of one hundred real Spartans and several thousand CGI-ones to defeat the Persians, but the blind warrior ends up going the wrong way and leads the Spartans to Malibu. They end up crashing into Lindsay Lohan as she once more leaves drug rehab, causing her to expose her bare groin and fly off screen.The film ends with a musical number set to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" performed on American Idol by all of the characters in the film. It also spoofs Britney Spears' VMA comeback performance.

Tags: bleak, cult, stupid

Review:
If you have to tell your audience where it comes from, chances are it's not funny.The fact that this film is only 60 odd minutes plus one of the longest credit sequences loaded with even more unfunny deleted scenes (seriously can't those wait for the DVD no one should buy either), that's just adding insult to injury..
But compared to "Meet the Spartans" (or Epic Movie or Date Movie) they are a BILLION times better.
Watch these films and you will realize Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer are talentless hacks who think just making a reference to pop culture is funny.
If Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer are reading this, I suggest you might want to watch these movies as well.
You would think after having their last two films be on the bottom 100 of this site, the makers would say, "Lets try something different," but no, it is the exact same as Date Movie and Epic Movie; Bad..
I work at a movie theater, so the only reason I went to see this movie was because it was free and I thought that it just might be the kind of movie that's so bad me and my friends could entertain ourselves by making fun of it.
It's like watching 300 all over again expect with ridiculous pop culture references that aren't even funny.
All too often comedy movie trailers contain all the best jokes, leaving nothing funny for the actual movie.
The jokes are extremely childish yet I wouldn't recommend it for children as some bits are somewhat offencive..they have really missed the mark on this one which I was really hoping would be good as I usually love this style of film.
I was expecting just some lame, stupid spoof that actually had a funny joke here and there, but all it was was just all of the vulnerable celebrities out there being teased and then pushed into a pit.The commercials were also very misleading.
But the sad yet honest truth is that the slams and teasing they call "jokes" about the movies and celebrities were really crude, impolite, and way too overboard.As funny as the commercials make it look, this movie is very mean, gross, and juvenile.
The jokes are tired and old, the look a-likes are very poor, even the stage where it is shot looks like something i could have put up in my back garden.I sniggered at some of the jokes, but most of the scenes i was cringing, hoping that it would improve.Funny films to watch, "not another teen movie, Hot shots, Hot Shorts part deux," but defiantly not this film.Carmen Electrica is very hot, but her role in these films is growing tiresome.It doesn't happen that often but some films i just can't watch until the end, so i'm glad i only caught this on DVD, it's just a shame i'm not able to put lower than 1 out of 10..
The spoofs were corny and stupid and the movie was like an hour long.
Nowhere near the scary movies though.So, bottom line, do not waste your time and money watching this in the theaters.
It was made pretty badly, but I think most spoof movies are made that way since they don't have a sense of reality, so I'll be kind on that subject.
Plus, the movie in general was weird, they took on the movie 300, fully, like re-shot the entire film, and just added their own jokes on TV, movies, pop culture, and random things.Leonidas has just been made king of Sparta, and his world is rocking with his bombshell wife, Queen Margo, and life couldn't be better.
Leonidas is getting more and more steamed though as he realizes that the blue screen Persians may be too much for he and his team can handle.Meet the Spartans had some really funny moments, like I loved and nearly died laughing when the Spartans were leaving their country and they left hand in hand singing "I will Survive", it was so stupid, I know, but if you let go and have fun, I'm sure you'll laugh too.
Throughout is the best imitation of Leonidas I can imagine, saying things that I never thought would leave the actor's mouth.This movies isn't Airplane, but it is funny.
The only reason I watched this piece of trash was because someone wanted to see it, so we acquired a "free" copy all thanks to the internet, and decided to see what it was like (starting with low expectations, of course).My God. Honestly I've no idea why I even finished watching this film - maybe it was just to see how bad it could actually get, or maybe to see how many more product placements they could shove in utterly pointlessly.I can understand a film like Wayne's World 2 putting in ACTUALLY FUNNY product placements which actually had a PURPOSE to the plot, but this?
The only thing good about this film is that it is incredibly short (like most Friedberg/Seltzer films).Instead of wasting an hour of your life on this turd in a DVD case, do something more interesting like watching paint dry.AVOID..
These movies have gotten so bad that people aren't even laughing at how terrible they are, now it's more of a constant groaning at the worse than amateur acting and writing.
Somebody should ban these guys from making movies cos they just don't seem to understand how bad they are.The "jokes" are painfully obvious and executed with such agonizingly poor acting you might as well be watching 10 year olds act it out.
That's because for any audience this is one of the worst, most jaw-droppingly witless parodies in motion picture history (and that's saying quite a lot).Suffice it to say that this slapdash mixture of gladiator-movie clichés and truly lame pop culture references has enough homophobic jokes to set the cause of gay rights back a good quarter of a century or more (OK, these Spartan warriors like men; we get it, we get it!).Indicative of the movie's utter failure at pacing and timing are two scenes - one at the "pit of death" and another featuring a step-dance competition between the Greeks and the Persians - that drone on for a minor eternity.
This movie is so bad I'm actually seething with anger.Now I knew very well this movie was considered one of the worst movies ever made before I decided to watch it (online by the way, no way I'd pay for this crap).
Burns will heal but this movie will stick with you forever.Now please excuse my while I try to intentionally give myself some light brain damage in the hope that I can forget ever watching "Meet the Spartans"..
There is absolutely no cleverness, the jokes are the most obvious and aren't even funny when executed.Even though the movie in only an hour long, it felt like 2 or 3.
It's just a series of one bad joke after another, and it stays pretty much as a spoof of 300, which didn't exactly have a lot of story to mock to begin with.I wish I hadn't seen this movie.
I wish I didn't feel bad when people I know found out that I saw this movie and paid to do it in a theater..
Only a few times did I laugh...but this was awfully rare.Most of the suggestions I made for "Disaster Movie" would also apply to this film and I don't want to repeat them again.
Otherwise, it probably would have been best to quit making goofy parody movies then instead of bleeding a totally dead franchise for yet another dreadful so-called comedy.By the way, I just noticed that star of this film Carmen Electra and Hitler share the same birthday.
So to sum up, I like the movie, and it's not a waste of time to watch it.
Bad acting, terrible casting, worse special effects and a literally non-existent laugh-to-joke ratio, this film was torture to sit through.
The creators have to know that gay jokes are funny at a minimum, not like in this movie.
The only reason I gave this movie a 3 because the joke regarding Britney Spears is a bit funny and Carmen Electra is pretty.
Is there a FANS OF SPOOFS club out there who think they determine which are the good and bad ones?I am a fan of the spoof genre and I thought "Meet the Spartans" was, for the most part, funny and certainly not "trash".Some of the gags were funnier than others but most of the spoofs I've seen have that common characteristic.
This movie was not only a waste of money, it was horribly short and not even remotely funny.I saw this this afternoon with two kids who were absolutely amped to see it, and by halfway through the movie (these are 12 year olds we're talking about) they were bored out of their minds.The rip-offs of Paris hilton, Britney spears, American idol, America's next top model, dancing with the stars, happy feet, the apprentice, you got served, spiderman 3, stomp the yard, 300 (duh), shrek, lindsay lohan, amongst the other so called "stars" wasn't even remotely funny.I'll give you a hint: don't waste your time with this movie..
I can't believe I'm saying this but there are more substantial train wrecks than this horrible, disgusting, unfunny, idiotic, pathetic, shameless, inconsistent, insulting, asinine, foolish, oafish, and insignificant (I need to look up more words in the dictionary to describe this movie) waste of time and money (but since I mercifully saw it on TV, at least I'm not guilty at wasting any cash).It's probably much more fun to write a review about this piece of crap by imagining how Friedberg and Seltzer came up with this incredible idea.Friedberg: "Hey!
These days everybody thinks they can make a movie.The only reason I watched it until the end was because I couldn't believe how bad it is, I just wanted to see how low you could get.
The reason I'm writing this review is to tell you this: please people, stop paying to see crappy movies like this, let them just go out of business because they deserve it..
it has to be the worst spoof i've ever seen (and i thought Date Movie was bad).
"Date Movie" was another film I saw almost out of some obligation to watch whatever DVD my pop collects, and the film was horrible and monotonous, and worst of all, boring.
I didn't follow up on "Epic Movie", "Superhero Movie", "Disaster Movie", and I will probably never watch anything else by these hacks again.In between all this garbage however, is "Meet the Spartans", which isn't as shallow or tedious as their other films.
No spoof movie deserves paying out decent money for and none of them need a big screen to get a laugh.
Spoof as parody instead of farce is not new, it may just be a unfamiliar to some of the reviewers.The 300 movie was so beautifully art directed and shot, the story a genuine epic, and the film heroic and moving.
Everything in this movie was overdone,a lot of the humor just grossed you out to the point where you felt uncomfortable and I only give it more than 1 star only because they did nail some celebrities and there was a few funny lines but a majority of it was just ridiculous.
I would not suggest that you waste money on this movie, if you want to see what its like then wait for it to come out on stars because it really is not worth $8..
Don't get me wrong I can take joke and enjoyed most of the Scary Movie series but Meet The Spartans was terrible.
Although all signs point towards this movie being a steaming pile of crud, I tried to watch it with an open mind and without any biases.What comes as no surprise is that "Meet the Spartans" is indeed bad.
I'm no fan of Dane Cook, but "Meet the Spartans" makes his stuff look like "Monty Python".The rest of the jokes either consist of gross-out gags (a bird pooping in a man's face, a man getting kitty litter stuck on his face) or random humor that fails to be funny, even in a random/stupid sort of way (Rocky Balboa wearing a diaper, Paris Hilton fighting the Spartans).
That MIGHT have made me feel like I got some of my money's worth.What drug the movie down also was the tendency to flog any joke to death,especially the Britney spears bit.
All the meanness and none of the cleverness.It's been a long time since I have considered asking for my money back, but I would not have wasted another minute on this movie even getting a refund.
I hope no one else wastes their money and sanity trying to sit through this.Meet The Spartans is now added to my list of 'worst movies of all time'..
The gay jokes where a little bit tiresome at the end but no matter what you read from the next reviews probably whiten by people like the ones who choose the Oscars, meaning only liking movies the 70 men like who think this type of movie are stupid or childish, you never get tired of seeing Simon Cowell and Britney being kicked in the giant pit of death.
Please, don't see this movie if you have ever processed a thought in your brain, because if you have you will not like this film!.
Should I repeat that 5 times, like the filmmakers did with every dumb joke in the movie?
However, it most likely would make them cry rather than laugh.2) Do you really have to explain any obvious idiotic joke in the movie?
If we assume that the average ticket price is $10, that obviously means that 1,850,000 people consciously decided to spend their free time watching this movie.
I recommend that you don't waste your time, money or effort watching this nonsense as my little sister could write a way better script than this heap of garbage and i do mean heap.
Upon seeing how bad this movie was, it makes people want to become film makers, and gives them the confidence to KNOW that even they could do better than this.
Meet the Spartans is the worst movie I have ever seen!
All the time I just wished that it would end, and the creators of this crap can be happy about that it is the only movie that I've ever really wanted to walk out on.I do not recommend anyone to see it, not even my worst enemy..
Meet the Spartans is a parody of one of the biggest movies of all time, 300.
Just to start, not one laugh throughout what I watched of this, not even a smirk or chuckle.For any of you unfortunate enough to view the train wreck that was epic movie, this film is pretty much more of the same.All of the jokes were completely uninspired and plain lame, and a few had even been done before (random beating up of a kid like in scary movie 3).
I know i shouldn't even comment as i haven't even seen the film yet, however it looks exactly the same as Scary Movie 3/4 (the first 2 were tolerable!)Date Movie, Epic Movie all of which weren't remotely funny plus others i just can't be bothered tio think of.
And i wonder who watched these thought they where funny and decided to do YET again another spoof film.
It's not remotely funny and the jokes are downright disgusting and awful.I know some people may like spoof movies but this is not just my cup of tea..
(Excuse this word but really) the worst movie ever seen please everyone who didn't see it and think well it couldn't be so bad...believe me it is.
So I think you know what I want to say xD so last sentence: Stay away from meet the spartans it's really not worth it so if you are bored and think I think I should watch a movie today, take everyone but not that piece of crab.
at least you will get some laughs off at the movie 1\10 for Meet the Spartans.
Now I have seen a movie during which I truly did not laugh even a single time.
Now where is my crack." It is one of the worst films I've ever seen just like every other movie these "geniuses" have made.0 stars out of 4.
My god, is this movie horrible.The worst thing is all the pop-culture jokes, I mean spoofing reality shows and t.v. commercials is not that funny.
At least with Scary Movie or the like you get something that can make you laugh at least once.
These are just some of the things which crossed my mind while i was wasting my time & money at the movies.
And I kind of expected it to be so with the first movie I've seen after consciously making that resolution.Meet the Spartans is a waste of time.
I think heard more laughs in the cinema whilst watching Requiem For A Dream.I mean to call this movie a spoof is a complete and utter insult to the likes of Airplane!
Even posting a review is a waste of time for a movie that bad...
The movie was full of obvious attempts at humor that I would have found funny maybe if I was 6 years old and like bad sexual humor.
My thoughts summed up: -Very bad fart and sex jokes -none of them are even close to funny -movie had SOO much potential but the writers and director need to grow up.
I thought Epic Movie was bad, I thought Date Movie was horrid, but neither of those pieces of crap hold a candle to the stench that is Meet The Spartans.If you have absolutely nothing better to do, and someone will pay you to watch it, don't.