Vampires Suck

Plot synopsis:
Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, a killing spree targeting random locals is attributed to the Canadians, but the real perpetrators are a group of vampires, who are commonly confused with the Black Eyed Peas. Becca quickly befriends many students at her new high school, including Jennifer (Anneliese van der Pol). She is also intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, despite thinking she smells of tuna.
Later, when Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot, Edward stops the vehicle by thrusting another student in the van's way. He later refuses to explain this act to Becca and warns her against befriending him. After much research, she tells Edward that she knows what he is, but reaches the wrong conclusion that he is a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her, saying he is a vampire but that he only consumes animal blood. He also states he is a killer, but despite this, Becca agrees to go to prom with Edward. Later, Becca and Edward kiss passionately in her room; Becca, wanting to have sex with Edward, then attempts to seduce him, but he abstains.
On Becca's birthday, Edward introduces Becca to his vampire family. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut, after which a vampire runs at her. Edward flings her back, further injuring her, and then does the same to Jeremiah. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Becca, Edward rides her out to the woods. He then proceeds to break up with Becca, who throws a temper tantrum after he leaves. After the fit, she is attacked by three nomadic vampires, but Edward intervenes and saves her.
Edward's departure leaves Becca heartbroken for months, but she is comforted by her deepening friendship with her childhood friend Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi). When Becca is accosted in the woods by the nomadic vampires again, Jacob transforms into a Chihuahua as his werewolf pack arrives to save her. Meanwhile, Edward has moved to Rio de Janeiro and is now dating Lady Gaga to get over losing Becca. He is later informed by his sister that, with her gift of prophecy, she has seen Becca kill herself. Edward becomes depressed and decides to provoke the "Zolturi", a powerful vampire coven, into killing him by exposing himself in the sunlight in front of humans, thus exposing the existence of vampires. His sister has another vision of Becca's survival as he leaves, but she is unable to warn him.
Edward's sister arrives at Becca's house in her Porsche 911, and tells her she has to save Edward by showing him she is still alive. Jacob appears and demands that Becca choose between him and Edward, but just before she announces her decision, he is distracted by a cat and runs off to chase it. Upon arriving at the prom, Becca is caught between the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is unable to reach Edward before he exposes himself, figuratively and literally. However, twilight occurs, followed by a new moon and an eclipse, concealing Edward's vampiric nature as Becca gets him to safety. After a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro (Ken Jeong), Edward is forced to turn Becca into a vampire or he will be killed horribly. He agrees to do so only on the condition that she marry him, which she accepts.
The film concludes with Edward being struck in the head by the Jacob fangirls' leader. Edward survives the blow, and the girl is attacked by the newly vampirized Becca.

Tags: good versus evil, revenge, murder, romantic, entertaining

Review:
Normally, I don't review movies on here, but when I read everyone else slamming this movie, I thought maybe they should get the perspective of someone who enjoyed it.As a non-Twilight fan (haven't read the books and don't wish to for reasons to numerous to mention), I was determined to see this movie at the time when I wanted to tease a Twi-hard that I personally got to know from my disability social group about it.
She refused to see this movie simply because they make fun of Twilight and Buffy, which motivated me even further.First off, yes, there were a lot of corny sex jokes, fart jokes, pop culture and celebrity references that many reviewers said wore out their welcome with projects like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans.
And for the aforementioned crimes that this literary atrocity committed, the Twilight saga got the bashing and ridicule it so richly deserved.So if you disliked it the first time because it made you think of the unfunny torture you experienced after flops like the Scary Movie franchise after the first movie, Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, and so on, I challenge you to watch this again when it comes out on DVD, and think about what the "Twilight" saga has done to the worlds of both literature and cinema.
Meanwhile, Becca's friends contend with their own romantic issues – all of which collide at the prom.VAMPIRES SUCK will surprise many people because it's an improvement over the previous spoof films directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have been churning out for the past couple of years.
I don't know if this counts as something good but I really think the film manages to create a decent storyline from the first two TWILIGHT films.Overall, the film is still bad because it's rarely funny, although I will admit I laughed at some bits that took a jab at the TWILIGHT series.
Being directed by the directors/writers of films such as the Scary Movie films, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc., I knew that Vampires Suck won't be good at all, and just when I was getting tired of these kind of films, I didn't need it to.
Let's just put it at that - One of the greatest film endings of all time...I think this is the second best spoof movie that I have seen (Spaceballs) being the first.
It's no great cinematic achievement, but for a devoted Twilight hater such as myself, it was worth a chuckle or two.Sure, "Vampires Suck" meets many of the same pitfalls other parody movies do.
But, so help me if I didn't find myself laughing at the way the film mercilessly mocks everything laughable about the Twilight movies, a series that, let's face it, lends itself pretty easily to parody.
In fact, all "Vampires Suck" really had to do was recreate the first two Twilight films pretty much scene-for-scene, tweaking here and there to make the scenes only slightly more ridiculous than the originals.
This film holds a mirror up to pretty much everything laughable about the series that proves that a wildly successful book/movie franchise does not necessarily need a "plot": the rabidity of its fan base; the shameless parade of shirtless males; the idea that teenage Stephanie Meyerer, I mean, Bella, would be the object of every hot guy's lust despite being a mopy sourpuss with no trace of a personality; the insistence that Robert Pattinson is "sexy".
However, since like I said the movie is pretty much just a re-creation of the original Twilight movies, many of the jokes are best appreciated having actually seen them.
So you'll probably like this movie if you are not a Twilight fan, but have actually seen the movies because A) you were dragged there by a girl whose pants you really, REALLY wanted to get into, B) you were stoned, walked into the wrong theater, and failed to realize that it wasn't The Hangover until it was too late, or C) you are self-loathing and willingly subjected yourself to them out of morbid curiosity (like me).So if you hate Twilight and everything it stands for, take a break from your violent (yet strangely erotic) fantasies about Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and go see "Vampires Suck".
Unfortunately, I could count the amount of times I laughed on one hand.The film was full of cheap gimmicks, badly written lines that were not even close to being funny and actually, much like the Twilight films themselves, terribly structured with mass chunks of uneventful time filling.
These two hacks throw in dated pop culture references and steal the work of others, and seem to get away with calling it comedy.It is funny to note then that their first movie in two years, Vampires Suck, is a parody riffing on the Twilight series.
The duo gleefully crib from Twilight and New Moon, providing us with the tale of new girl Becca (Jenn Proske) who falls in love with the vampire Edward (Matt Lanter), and all the problems that come with their newfound romance.My immediate question, before even beginning to try and discuss this waste of time, is why did Friedberg and Seltzer ever think it was a good idea to make a parody of the Twilight series?
I guess it was money, but who would knowingly believe Twilight fans would rush out to see a movie bashing their beloved franchise much less the haters who would not be caught dead seeing the film as it is?
I had the good fortune of not having to see this movie in a theatre, but I can imagine the film's showings are silent enough that the filmgoers can hear the projector whirling more than they can hear anyone laughing.I will give credit however in the fact that unlike their previous atrocities and crimes against cinema-goers all over the world, Vampires Suck does not deviate from its riffing of the Twilight.
Despite being a lot more balanced than any of their brethren, Vampires Suck is still an awful and truly unfunny film that only further proves the point that Friedberg and Seltzer need to stop making movies.
In any matter, I found it fun because of how well crafted I actually thought it was and how many times it made me laugh because of how funny the movie managed to be by working off the films' it mocks cheesiness areas.Like some have already reviewed saying, this is an improvement in many ways.
I wouldn't have watched this if not for a friend who wanted to catch a comedy together, though I must admit I'm still pretty intrigued and amazed at how writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer managed to continue get money thrown at them to make terrible, unfunny comedies such as sub par works like Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie and Date Movie, the last which to me was mildly amusing.
Gone are the days of the Zucker brothers, and now we're stuck with low-brow efforts like what Friedberg and Seltzer continuously dish out, setting their sights at whatever's popular genre at the moment.And that of course is the phenomenon we call Twilight, where it's already three films old, and taking its cue from the Harry Potter franchise, decided to split its last book into two films, done squarely for profits.
There are plenty of sight gags, innuendos, and just plain badly designed scenes that don't flow from one to another, making it look like a series of school children skits that got strung together, hammering wooden pegs into rounded holes, and jokes that's 99% bad, you'll find more pleasure from experiencing long nails clawed against a chalkboard.Even more curious is the demographics out to support / watch this film.
It's really uncanny watching her ham up the Bella spoof, but do note that I'm not praising her performance either as she's just carbon-copying what another actress had done, although pitch perfect.I did laugh out loud here and there, but it's laughing at the film in how it got away with the stupidest of jokes and the absurdity at who this project could have been green lit by a Hollywood studio (says a lot, doesn't it?) I hope Friedberg and Seltzer either learn from the best in the comedic business, or quit filmmaking altogether.
Lets be honest..almost every movie-fan that's watched epic cinematic failures like Meet the Spartans , Epic Movie etc are going to think Vampires Suck should be avoided at all costs.They couldn't be more wrong.
The movie doesn't suffer from attempts at poking fun of 10-15 different movies at once and maybe thats why it works this once.They just focus on just making fun of two movies in the Twilight series and I think they did a pretty damn good job of it.
I have no idea why I went to see this movie when the makers of this movie Friedberg and Seltzer keep making awful movies.I think the reason is because i wanted to give them a chance but this movie was an epic fail.One thing I realized is that Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie are both in the IMDb bottom 100 and I wont be surprised if this one makes the cut to the bottom 100.The only scene I liked was the BEP part and thats all.I feel like I got ripped off.It was so lame!
this movie was terrible.the unfunniest childish spoof movie i have ever seen.i feel sorry for the movie industry releasing this rubbish to the paying public.it was so bad it just came annoying after a while.I'm not a lover of the twilight movies myself,but breaking it up into a spoof movie just didn't work on every level.the movie fell on its knees from the opening titles.most people have seen the twilight movies so i don't need to go into detail and tell you this movie was trying to rip it to pieces and trying to be funny at the same time oops.nothing worked the one liners the jokes the gimmicky actors all fell dead.it was that bad it was embarrassing.even a prisoner on death row banged up 24/7 given a chance to watch this movie would run a mile.stay away from this movie at all costs people.
seriously awful movie thought the main actress doing Bella is really great honestly but the movie sucks big time and failed to make me laugh but in one particular scene i don't even know why but i felt like really embarrassed while watching and seriously they made me respect the twilight movies a lot better cause they prove that there can be worse than twilight i remember me an my mom watching scary movies and laughing our guts out without losing respect of the actors or movie ,but i just couldn't even finish vampire sucks cause it was pretty lame and even not that funny BASICALLY a waste of time people.
this film is absolutely rubbish it doesn't make sense the humour is rubbish and it doesn't feel like a comedy there is litrally one line that made me slightly laugh that,s it.i have seen many other spoof movies that are a lot better this one really does let people who enjoy spoofs down.
I started watching this movie with the same mind frame as most future viewers: "Oh God, this is going to be like Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, with the potty humor and endless pop culture references.." I was pleasantly surprised.
To you long suffering people, Vampires Suck is probably as good (and as close to getting) as a hug from Stephanie Meyer who then goes on to beg for her devil writing before going on to promise that she will rewrite the entire series.Yes. There are some bad jokes.
If the viewer likes this type of joke and sees the movie with low expectations, he or she will probably enjoy "Vampire Sucks".
Being quite a fan of the Twilight saga, having seen the films Twilight, and Twilight: New Moon (still haven't seen Eclipse).It was okay, in my opinion better than the scary movie series, epic movie, disaster movie, and the other spoofs of films the directors of this film has made.It's quite funny to see how every character in the film is copied right off Twilight, with only minor changes in name, (some names not even changed), and the extreme over-playing of the original characters characteristics.
It's not a masterpiece, but it's undoubtedly the best film if you should choose from the scary movie series, or as far as I know any other films made by James Friedberg and Aron Seltzer.I've seen Twilight, and I knew what Vampires Sucks made fun of, but my friend, who hadn't seen any of the Twilight films also found the film entertaining.
As the punch line says, "From the guys who couldn't sit through another vampire movie!", I guess I am another addition to that list of guys.To all the guys out there who truly do not like the Twilight Saga, I recommend you watch Vampires Suck and get some justice done to yourself.
I laughed at least 15-20 times during the movie (: The movie, as you can see from the title, parodies vampires and other things that are used in the entertaining industry and are fully orientated to the insecure and impressionable teenage girls and bore the other regular people to death.I don't know why people in this site don't like spoofs, but I think some of them are really funny(especially Scary Movies) and in my opinion deserve more than the user rating given by the people here.
The viewer understands parody and satire.If you understand parody, and are familiar with the Twilight series (as in you've at least seen the movies or read the books), then this film does a wonderful job as parody of the original source material.
This movie, "Vampires Suck", was just so bad, that you don't have to love the Twilight Saga to hate it.
The reason I think Vampires Suck works, while other spoofs like "Epic Movie" and "Superhero Movie" don't, is that there is an equal amount of hatred, if not more, than there is love for the series.
The obvious and cheap jokes seen in the trailer like Jacob's buddies being a bunch of gay men and Jacob taking off his shirt every 15 minutes because "it's in his contract" just isn't funny.On top of the jokes from "Twilight" not being funny, Friedberg and Seltzer try to throw as many pop culture references into the film as possible during it's painful 80 minute run time.
Please people stop funding stupidity.In the end, one would ask is "Vampires Suck" the worst film Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have done so far?
My advise to anyone that want's to see the film is watch funniest home videos and imagine a bunch of pop culture references in the background, I think that's how they wrote the script.These guys got their start as writers on Scary Movie and I think they have destroyed and legacy the Wayans brothers or Leslie Nelson left in the parody genre that these guys made famous.
'VAMPIRES SUCK': A Half a Star (Out of Five) Another spoof movie from writers / directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, this one parodies 'THE TWILIGHT SAGA' (specifically the first two films).
Apart from the acting (which was OK, a high for the directors' films; Ken Jeong was sadly wasted, however), the production design was also not bad, it looked as if they borrowed sets from the original two movies.So, I can say, that if you really want to see it, see it if you hate "Twilight" down to your bone.
By no means is this movie great art, but those of us watching had a few good laughs at this skewering of the Twilight saga.
If you liked them, you'll have your fun with this spoof.I want you to know, that you have to see the movies "Twilight" and "New Moon" first, before you watch this one.
It makes you realize how good of an actress Stewart is, to be able to play the same note again and again and make it convincing, but it is a delight to see it mocked too.Many of the scenes are nearly exact replicas of the originals, and you can tell that the cast had fun getting the details right.It definitely started to drag at the end but hey if you want an hour's worth of Twilight recovery, it's definitely worth it.BTW if you like this and want to see more, see Colt Ford's video for "Chicken & Biscuits".I was surprised at the low ratings for this movie here, reading the reviews, it sounds like some people didn't even realize that it was a parody.
It just adds to the idea that Friedberg and Setzer must be the least funny people ever to attempt to write.The plot is basically just the first two Twilight films summed up into 80 some minutes with horrible spoof cutaways thrown into each scene.
If you've seen a "the movie", then you have a pretty good idea of what "Vampires suck" is going to be like.
Vampires Suck is a parody based on the Twilight film franchise.
The only small positive from this film I could give was Jenn Proske's performance as she did a good job parodying Kristen Stewart's awkward performance as Bella Swan in the Twilight films.Vampires Suck is supposed to be a comedy and I can honestly say I never laughed once through the entire 82 minutes.
Because though Vampires Suck is a terrible film, its still a better movie than any of the Twilight movies.
But now Friderberg Zeltser and done, perhaps, his best parody since Scary Movie - Vampires Suck (write the name in the original, because I do not know what will be the definitive translation of Russian distributors) In this film, the subject of jokes has become the most, now polar Twilight series .
Vampires Suck is another uneven movie spoof from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.