MASH

Plot synopsis:
It's August, 1951, the Korean War. Over the noise of incoming helicopters carrying wounded U.S. soldiers, Colonel Henry Blake (Roger Bowen), the commanding officer of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M.A.S.H.), located just three miles from the front lines, is shouting at Corporal Radar O'Reilly (Gary Burghoff), telling him to inform Major Frank Burns (Robert Duvall), that one of the day surgeons will have to stay over on the night shift. He also needs to get word to Brigadier General Charles Hammond (G. Wood), in Seoul, that the 4077th needs two more surgeons, as the patient load is getting overwhelming. Radar says out loud everything Colonel Blake is telling him, but a split before Blake says it. That's the first of many instances where Radar proves always to be one step ahead of his commanding officer. Another enlisted man is trying to write it all down, but misses most of it. Blake tells him that Radar has it.Quotes pertaining to Korea, from both General MacArthur and General Eisenhower, scroll down the screen as Captain Hawkeye Pierce is shown exiting the Officers' Latrine in Seoul and approaching a Jeep for the next leg of his journey. He has just arrived in Korea for duty at the 4077th. He is originally from Maine.The motor pool sergeant (Jerry Jones), struts up to Hawkeye and says, "What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't think that just because you're a captain, you run this place. I run this place!" He tells Hawkeye that his driver is having his coffee and will be along when he's ready. Hawkeye, who is in the process of removing his collar devices from his uniform, is shocked and disbelieving about how rude and insubordinate the sergeant is. He mutters "racist" to himself as the sergeant walks away (the sergeant is black).Also newly arriving is Captain Duke Forrest (Tom Skerritt). He's from Georgia. He approaches Hawkeye, who is sitting in a Jeep, waiting for the driver. Forrest mistakenly thinks Hawkeye is his driver and, after confirming that the Jeep is headed for the 4077th M.A.S.H. unit, he orders Hawkeye to take him there. Hawkeye says ok, puts the Jeep in gear and roars out of the compound.The motor pool sergeant watches as Hawkeye and Forrest tear out of the place and yells at two military policemen (MPs) to go get them. Something happens to the MPs Jeep, as there's a bang with smoke, and it stops, causing the sergeant to throw a fit and start punching and wrestling with the MPs.Hawkeye & Forrest prove to have a lot in common, in that they are both rebellious, womanizing, and mischievous rule-breakers. They arrive at the Officer's Mess tent at the 4077th and decide to go in for some lunch. They are already making eyes at some nurses. One in particular, Lt. Maria "Dish" Schneider (Jo Ann Pflug), attracts their attention and they sit down near her.Colonel Blake asks Captain Murrhardt (Danny Goldman) if he knows those two men who just came in. He does not. Another officer suggests they may be the new doctors, but the Colonel says that can't be, as the two new people are supposed to be really bright. He decides they are just a couple of moochers coming in for a free meal.Forrest is staring at Lt. Schneider and says, "I think I am in love." He tells her he's new in town, with nothing to do, and asks her to show him around the place if she's not doing anything tonight. She stays quiet, smiles and holds up her left hand. Hawkeye tells Forrest that the lady is wearing a wedding ring, but he doesn't let that dissuade him.Colonel Blake decides to go see what's up with these new guys. He learns that they are indeed the newest doctors assigned to his unit. The colonel tells Pierce that he'd received a message about him stealing a Jeep at Headquarters. Hawkeye tells the colonel that he didn't steal the Jeep, that it's right outside there. The colonel then sets about informing Forrest about the Army's regulations for proper reporting to a unit. Hawkeye is mostly interested in asking questions about how many people are on staff, especially nurses.The colonel decides to introduce the new captains to the existing staff who are in the mess at that moment. They include the Irish Catholic Chaplain, Father John "Dago Red" Mulcahy (Rene Auberjonois); the dental officer, Captain 'Painless Pole' Waldowsky (John Schuck); the anesthesiologist, Captain "Ugly" John Black (Carl Gottlieb), a.k.a., the "gas passer"); Captain Dennis Patrick Bandini (Corey Fischer); and Corporal 'Radar' O'Reilly.Radar tells the captains he will change the identification number on the stolen Jeep, just before Colonel Blake orders him to do that.As Pierce and Forrest proceed with their check in, over near the officer's quarters and barber shop, they walk past a post covered with wooden arrows depicting the mileage and directions to various other cities in the world. Duke lays claim to a pretty blonde nurse who walks past, but after Radar whispers in Hawkeye's ear and Hawkeye in turn whispers in Duke's ear, he realizes that Colonel Blake's girlfriend, Lt. Leslie (Indus Arthur), is "hands off."Radar leads them to their tent and inside is Major Frank Burns (Robert Duvall) and a South Korean boy, Ho-Jon (Kim Atwood), who works at the mess hall. Major Burns is teaching Ho Jon how to read, using the Bible. Major Burns will prove to be both a religious man and an inferior surgeon.Captain Forrest slips Ho-Jon a girlie magazine, telling him that it helps when learning how to read to have some pictures to go along with the words. Ho-Jon avoids letting Major Burns see what Forrest gave him and he quickly excuses himself and leaves the tent with the magazine.In the first of many scenes from the M.A.S.H. operating room, the new captains are performing surgeries on two patients. They both have a matter-of-fact attitude as they go about their life and death work, speaking and moving around much like a chef preparing a meal might do. Hawkeye is preparing to saw off a soldier's lower leg while Captain Forrest is hitting on one of the nurses.Frequent announcements come over the camp public announcement (PA) system. They are usually given by SSgt. Wade Douglas Vollmer, (David Arkin), who can't read very well. The first announcement is for all non-commissioned officers to report for a short-arm inspection at 0400. (short-arm inspection refers to the medical inspection of male soldiers' penises, or "short arm", for signs of sexually-transmitted diseases and other medical problems).Major Burns enters his tent to find Ho-Jon serving martinis to Pierce and Forrest. Burns lets them know how inappropriate he considers that to be and he grabs his Bible and starts praying. Ho-Jon escapes to go do some laundry. Pierce and Forrest waste no time in starting to tease and mock Major Burns about his obsession with the Bible and religion. They speculate that he suffers from some sort of syndrome and wonder if he's always had it or just since he arrived in Korea. Forrest asks how long "the show" is going to last and Burns says that it gets longer all the time, now that he has Forrest's and Pierce's souls to pray for. Hawkeye and Duke start singing, "Onward Christian Soldiers," as Burns keeps on praying. Soon, people outside the tent hear the singing and they join in, marching in a line as they sing.Colonel Blake receives a report from Lt. Leslie about the status of the patients currently at the M.A.S.H. as he sits at his desk tying a fishing fly. Leslie also assists him by handing him various tools that he needs.Hawkeye and Forrest come into the colonel's office and demand that he get the "Sky Pilot" Major Burns out of their tent (it's been one week). They also tell Blake that they need to have a "chest cutter" (thoracic surgeon) to properly tend to the injured soldiers. Blake tells them he'll have Burns out of their tent within 24 hours, and he'll try his best to get a chest cutter.Colonel Blake seems to empathize with the fact that most of his men and women there at the 4077th are draftees, they have very stressful jobs trying to save lives, and therefore he does very little by way of asserting discipline to keep his staff at the mobile hospital in line with military regulations.Father Mulcahy often hangs around surgery, either to administer last rites, pray, or sometimes assist the doctors. This particular time, he gets called over to administer last rites to a soldier who died on the surgical table, but gets interrupted and is asked by Duke Forrest to come over and hold a surgical retractor being used on another patient. When Mulcahy hesitates, Forrest apologizes, but points out to Dago that the first soldier is dead, while the one they are operating on is still alive.Hawkeye is busy making out with Lt. Dish in the Officer's Club when Ho-Jon comes knocking at the tent door. He tells Hawkeye to come quick, that the new chest cutter has arrived. Hawkeye and the nurse separate, frustrated, but duty calls.Forrest is sitting in his tent with the new chest cutter and complains to Hawkeye that all he has been able to learn is that the new surgeon is from "Bastin" (Boston) and has been in the Army for 2 months. As the new doctor is putting up a photo of a pin-up girl, Hawkeye attempts to find out more about him, but the new guy continues be very evasive. As they sit down to have some martinis, and the new doc produces a bottle of green olives from inside his jacket. Hawkeye is amused and impressed. He tells the new man that he looks familiar, but he can't quite place where he knows him from.The new doctor's first operation in surgery attracts a sizable audience, inside and outside the operating room, as everyone is curious as to how he'll do. He does just fine.Other than the frequent PA announcements, Radio Tokyo is often playing throughout the camp, with Japanese announcers and singers providing entertainment in broken English.The staff frequently toss a football around between the tents in the compound and the play can be quite vigorous. One guy performs a flying tackle on the man with the ball, and they both splash down hard into a mud puddle. When the ball flies out of the hands of the man being tackled, it is caught by the new thoracic surgeon. He makes as though to fake a handoff to Duke, then rolls left while Duke runs behind and out the opposite side of a tent, with Hawkeye defending. The new surgeon lobs an off target pass and Hawkeye jumps up and intercepts it. That prompts an immediate recall in Hawkeye's mind. He now knows who the new guy is as he rushes forward, proclaiming it's "Trapper John McIntyre, former quarterback for Dartmouth University. Hawkeye played in a game for Androscoggin College, against Dartmouth and McIntyre, and he intercepted a pass thrown by Trapper John, enabling Androscoggin to win the game, 6-0.Hawkeye also tells Duke that Trapper got his nickname as a result of cornering a girl in the restroom of a railroad car, and when the conductor caught them in there, the girl screamed, "He trapped me!'The enlisted all line up outside the shower tent to get a peek at Dr. Captain "Painless Pole" Waldowsky as he's showering. The attraction is the captain's sexual apparatus, which is apparently of unusually large proportions. Corporal Judson, from Mississippi, takes his turn at the peephole. As he walks away, he says to a shocked looking Private Lorenzo Boone (Bud Cort), "Ah'd purely love to see that angry!"A small group, led by Colonel Blake (in his civilian winter coat), goes out to meet an incoming helicopter. On board is Major Margaret Houlihan (Sally Kellerman), the new Chief Nurse for the 4077th.Major Burns is tending to a male patient who suddenly goes into cardiac arrest. Burns calls for a nurse and proceeds to do a couple of unenthusiastic thumps on the patient's chest. When there's no nurse at hand, he directs Private Boone, who's just a teenage orderly, to go grab a cardiac needle and some adrenaline. Boone is hesitant, as he's not sure where to find those things, but he tries. The soldier dies right about then, and when Boone returns with a regular needle and hands it to Burns, Burns calls him an idiot and tells him he wanted a cardiac needle. Boone asks Burns if he wants him to get a nurse and Burns says, "it's too late, Boone, you killed him." Boone feels horrible and goes away in tears. Trapper observes all this and a short while later he approaches Burns and asks him if he's done for the day. When Burns says yes, Trapper says, "good, I just wanted to make sure you'll have time to sleep this off," and he lands a haymaker right hand across Burns' head. Burns crashes into some boxes of Tampax while Trapper grimaces in pain as he grips his right hand with his left. At the same moment, Colonel Blake and Major Houlihan pass by and are shocked at what they witness. They demand to know what's going on. Burns asks for them to leave he and Trapper alone and let them settle things, but Blake tells SSgt. Vollmer to arrest Trapper and confine him to his quarters.Before happening on the fight between Trapper and Burns, Blake had introduced Major Houlihan (he called her "O'Houlihan") to the people in the operating room. Among those there are Captain Dana Murrhardt (Danny Goldman), Captain Black, Captain Judson Sax, Captain Scorch (Dawne Damon), and Captain Bridget "Knocko" McCarthy (Tamara Wilcox-Smith).Henry wants to make Trapper the head surgeon, but feels the fight with Major Burns necessitates that he wait for a week or the new chief nurse will likely make a stink about it.Blake and Lt. Leslie are out on a small stream near camp and he's flycasting. Vollmer runs up to inform the colonel that General Hammond can't answer the phone as he's at a football game. Blake complains that the generals have all the fun.Margaret joins Hawkeye at his table in the mess tent. He asks her where she's from and she tells him she likes to think of the Army as her home. She then asks Hawkeye how he likes the nurses who work on his team. He tells her he likes them fine. She tells him that Major Burns does not think much of the nurses, to which Hawkeye responds that Burns is a lousy surgeon and an idiot. Margaret strongly disagrees. She thinks Burns is a fine doctor and military man. Margaret also think it's very unprofessional that people call Captain Pierce, "Hawkeye." Hawkeye tells Major Houlihan that she's what he and others call "a typical, uptight, career Army clown," as he loses his appetite and gets up to go to his tent.On occasion, the lights in the operating room go out. When that happens, several enlisted staff position themselves with flashlights so the doctors can keep working. In one instance, the doctors and nurses started singing "When the Lights Go On Again," a song written in 1942, during WWII.Blake leaves the camp overnight to go see General Hammond over at the 325th Evac Hospital and he leaves Major Burns in charge. There's a big party in the mess tent for Trapper, to celebrate his being named the camp's new chief surgeon. Margaret and Frank are not impressed, especially when Trapper calls out for Margaret, the "sultry bitch" to be stripped of her clothes and brought to him for sex.Frank and Margaret collaborate on a typewritten letter to General Hammond, complaining about the lack of discipline and order at the 4077th. After they finish, Frank notes that it's dinnertime and Margaret asks if he's hungry. "For you, Margaret," and they attack each other with passion and engage in a dry hump, but only briefly.There's a PA announcement that three cases of amphetamine sulfate (central nervous system stimulant) have disappeared and this is the third time this sort of thing has happened in the last month and it must stop by order of Colonel Blake's office. Burns escorts Margaret to her tent and offers to stop by and check on her later. She says that won't be necessary but she also says she'll leave the door unlocked. When he comes by later, they exchange empathy with one another for how poorly the others in camp treat them, and how disrespectful they are. Frank then says he thinks God willed them to find each other. Margaret throws open her pajama top, exposing her breasts and says, "His will be done," and Frank plants his face on her breasts and they fall onto the bed. As they struggle to get their clothes off, Radar lifts up the bottom of the tent and places the microphone to the camp's PA system under the bed. At first, the sounds are transmitted only to location of the PA equipment in Henry Blake's office, where a handful of people are listening in. Trapper then decides the rest of the camp should hear it and an enlisted man flips a switch to broadcast it.Margaret is panting and tells Frank that her lips are hot, asking him to kiss her hot lips. Hawkeye, busy doing surgery, wonders what those sounds are and soon figures it out. He says, "it sounds like Frank Burns is doing a bit of dilitation and curretage." Before long, Margaret can hear her own voice over the PA system and that quickly brings the lovemaking session to an end.The next morning in the mess tent, Forrest says, "well, hi, Hot Lips," as she gets all flustered and has to leave the tent. Hawkeye sits down across the table from Frank and taunts Frank by asking if he'd heard from his wife. About then, Colonel Blake returns to camp and Radar directs him over to the window of the mess tent, behind where Hawkeye and Burns are sitting. Blake peers in and it warms his heart to see the two finally sitting down together to have a talk.Hawkeye says to Frank that he and the other guys wonder how Hot Lips is in the sack, "is she better than self-abuse?" He asks Frank, "does that big ass of her move around a lot, or does it just sort of lie there, flaccid? What would you say about that?"Blake wonders what they are saying. Radar looks and says Hawkeye is making a point about human anatomy. Blake is impressed at how professional the conversation is, how they are exchanging ideas.After Hawkeye asks if Hot Lips is a moaner or does she just lie there quietly, Frank launches himself across the table at Hawkeye and they fall to the ground, Hawkeye yelling for help. As they struggle, Trapper tells Hawkeye to look out for his goodies, as Frank is a sex maniac and he didn't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Several others in the area hurry to pull Frank off Hawkeye. Frank is put in a strait jacket and taken away by the MPs as Father Mulcahy attempts to read to him from a small scripture book. Frank won't be coming back, he's being shipped back to the states. Duke asks the colonel if he nails Hot Lips and punches Hawkeye, can he go home?In surgery, Hawkeye has to move quickly to stop a soldier's spurting neck artery, as an announcement comes over the PA system about the American Medical Association declaring marijuana to be a dangerous drug.Father Mulcahy tells Hawkeye that "Painless Pole" Waldowski has consulted him about a problem. Though Mulcahy feels unable to divulge any details (Waldowski had come to him in confession), he makes clear the severity of the problem. by explaining to Hawkeye that when one of the men asked for a ruling in the poker game they were playing, the captain said, "what does it matter, it's only a game?" Hawkeye wastes no time in going over to see Waldowski in his tent.Waldowski confides in Hawkeye that he has suffered a "lack of performance" (impotence) with a visiting nurse after a sexual encounter. He tells Hawkeye that he's distraught over how he will ever be able to tell his three fiancées back home. Hawkeye tells Waldowski that occasional impotence is not a problem, and nothing for the "dental Don Juan" of Detroit to worry about. Waldowski tells Hawkeye that he's been reading up on it and Don Juanism is just a cover up. He thinks he's a fairy, a victim of latent homosexuality, and he can't deal with it.The next day, the other doctors are sitting around joking about Waldoski's concerns. He enters the tent as they smirk and giggle and tells them all he knows they were talking about him. He announces that he's going to commit suicide. Bandidi jokingly asks Waldoski if he can have his record player. He says sure. Then he asks for suggestions about how best to go about killing himself. Trapper says, "the black capsule," which is what Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun used. Trapper claims to be able to provide a capsule for him.Hawkeye asks Father Mulcahy to perform last rites for Waldoski . He's hoping that if they conduct an end of life ceremony for him, he'll get scared and decide he wants to live. The doctors, administrative officers, chopper pilots and enlisted men all form up for the ceremony, a replica of the Last Supper, with a coffin placed in front of the table. Someone plays a scratchy version of "Taps" on a violin. Dago Red performs a quick absolution and Trapper gives a black capsule (actually a sleeping pill) to Waldoski. Waldoski figures that he'd better go lie down in the coffin, since the pill is supposed to work pretty fast. He gets in and immediately swallows the capsule with some wine. Everyone one files by to say goodbyes or leave little mementos with Waldoski. Among the items presented to him are some poker cards, a fifth of scotch, some basic dental instruments and the photographs of his three fiancées. Finally, he goes to sleep as Corporal Judson (Timothy Brown) sings "Suicide is Painless."A group of men carry the coffin to the Officer's Club and Waldoski is placed in a bed, complete with mood lighting. Hawkeye is outside making out with Lt. Schneider, who is scheduled to transfer out within 12 hours. Hawkeye asks her to do him a favor, to meet her professional obligations as a nurse, and go in and lie down with Waldoski, to help him with a potentially fatal psychological condition. She's not wanting to do it, but once she lifts up the edge of the sheet and sees what Waldoski has down below, she changes her mind.Captain Waldoski was in a very good mood the next morning, a new and improved man, seemingly having forgotten he supposedly had died the night before, and Lt. Schneider flew out on a helicopter, with a big smile on her face.Hawkeye and Trapper need some A-negative blood for a Korean prisoner of war with a chest wound they are operating on, but Radar said their requests for A-negative blood are never fulfilled. The operation proceeds and Radar goes to see a sleeping Colonel Blake. Radar sits next to the bed and monitors a tube extending from Blake's arm. A pint of blood is harvested from the colonel while he's sleeping (he's obviously type A-). Radar delivers a pint of blood to the operating room just as the surgeons were about to be forced to go on without it, at great risk to the patient.During the operation, Trapper is being assisted by Margaret and he says, "Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass, but you're a damn good nurse."Captain Forrest likes blondes, but strongly disagrees with Hawkeye who speculates that Duke is attracted to Hot Lips. Duke says he nearly pukes every time he sees Hot Lips. He thinks she's probably not even a true blonde and decides to bet Hawkeye $20 that she isn't. They conspire on a plan to isolate Hot Lips in the women's shower and then expose her so they can see what color her pubic hair is. Everyone in the camp, including a dog, take seats outside the shower tent and when they are ready, Waldoski clangs two metal lids together and a soldier releases a sandbag connected to some ropes and the sides of the tent all fly up. Hot Lips had been singing in the shower, but when she discovers everyone is looking at her, she screams and falls to the ground, covering herself. She crawls over and gets a towel and, in hysterics, she storms off to see Colonel Blake. She's furious as she tears open the door to the Colonel's tent and finds him inside, lying in bed with Lt. Leslie. She screams at him that the camp is an insane asylum and that it's his fault for letting the doctors get away with practically anything. She threatens to resign her commission if Blake doesn't turn Duke and Hawkeye over to the MPs. Blake listens and becomes angry, telling Houlihan, "Goddamit Hot Lips, resign your goddamn commission!" Houlihan dejectedly turns and leaves, sobbing "My commission, my commission....."Duke won the bet with Hawkeye. Margaret was not a natural blonde.Ho-Jon receives notice to report for an induction physical for the South Korean Army. Hawkeye, along with fellow co-workers Boone, Bandini, and Nurse Scorch, drive him to the induction center in Seoul for his physical. Hawkeye dopes him up with some drugs that temporarily give him a fast heart beat and high blood pressure. The doctor examining him is at first concerned, then figures out what's going on. He goes outside and informs Hawkeye that he will be keeping Ho Jon for a couple of days and retesting him. He says to Hawkeye, "nice try." Hawkeye reluctantly has to let Ho-Jon go.A helicopter pilot arrives at the 4077th, looking for Captain McIntyre. A soldier who'd been doing some training in Japan was accidentally wounded when a grenade went off and some shrapnel got into his heart. Some big time heart surgeon in Boston told the kid's father, a Congressman, that Trapper John was the only surgeon in the theater who might be able to save his boy. Trapper is ordered to proceed to Kokura, Japan, to do the operation. After looking at the x-rays, Trapper realizes that just about anyone could remove the shrapnel, as it's not threatening the boy's heart, but he decides there's a free trip to Tokyo in the offing, plus General Hammond said in the orders to Trapper that he could bring an assistant, so he invites Hawkeye. They view it as an opportunity to do some golfing.Trapper and Hawkeye are driven past a golf course on their way to the hospital in Japan and they are pretending to be speaking Japanese. Their driver is Sgt. Gorman (Bobby Troupe), who doesn't view the task of escorting these two as appropriate to his skill set and he curses the army.At the hospital, the pair waste no time in upsetting just about every person they come into contact with, both medical and non-medical staff alike, as they order the congressman's son into surgery. Trapper tells Captain Peterson (Cathleen Cordell) to prepare the patient and find him a nurse who can work in close without getting her tits in the way. They are equally disrespectful to the straight-laced commander of the hospital, Colonel Wallace C. Merrill (James B. Douglas), ordering him to leave the operating room when he comes in to criticize their behavior.When the anesthetist for the operation, Captain E.B. "Me Lay" Marston (Michael Murphy), tells Hawkeye to save his rapier like wit for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye suddenly recognizes it's an old acquaintance of his. Hawkeye had once told Trapper John how one of his friend's back home got the nick-name "Me Lay" by saying to girls, "Me lay, you lay," and it would enable him to score with about 1 of every 50 of the girls.Trapper and Hawkeye quickly finish the surgery, but on the way out of the hospital, they are followed by two MPs. They think they are escaping through a door, but when they close it and turn around, they find themselves in the Colonel Merrill's outer office, where another MP is sitting and waiting for them. They are directed into Colonel Merrill's office to wait for him to appear. They still have their golf clubs with them, so they take advantage of the wait by practicing their putting.When Colonel Merrill comes in, he threatens to have Hawkeye and Trapper court martialed. They remind him that they bailed him out with the Congressman by operating on his son and if Merrill decides to press the matter, they will call and tell the Congressman their side of the story and the colonel can tell his side. They tell the colonel they will hang around one more day to golf and check on the Congressman's son, and he can contact them at the golf course if he wants them. Then Hawkeye uses the butt end of his putter to push the colonel back into his chair and off they go.Dr. Marston invites Hawkeye and Trapper to come check out Dr. Yamachi's New Era Hospital and Whorehouse, where Marston moonlights as a doctor. As the three later sit with some Geisha girls and eat a meal at the facility, a nurse comes in and speaks with Me Lay, telling him that a Japanese-American baby boy was having trouble breathing and needed help. Based only on a description of the symptoms, Trapper and Hawkeye decide to schedule surgery for the boy back at the Army hospital. Hawkeye has already diagnosed the problem as a tracheal-esophageal fistula. He tells Dr. Marston not to tell the hospital who the surgery is for, because it is against the rules. However, when Colonel Merrill finds out what's going on, he comes into the operating room and throws a fit, prompting the doctors to clamp a surgical gas mask over his face and put him to sleep, then they complete the operation on the child.While the Colonel is still asleep, one of the Geisha girls, Michiko (Hiroko Watanabe) is put with him in a bed and some compromising photos are taken to assure that the Colonel will remain quiet about everything that had transpired.On their return to the 4077th from Japan, Hawkeye and Trapper (still wearing their newly purchased golf attire) immediately go into surgery for several hours. Finally with a chance to go their tent, now nicknamed "The Swamp," they find the flaps on the windows down and the door locked so they bang on the door. Duke's face appears at the window and he wants to know what the hell they are doing back already. He tells them to wait a minute. Hawkeye and Trapper figure something's up, so they start around towards the back of the tent and see a shirtless Forrest trying to smuggle Hot Lips away under a blanket. When the blanket falls off, they say hello to Hot Lips and ask her if she missed them. As she scurries away, Duke just looks at Trapper and Hawkeye and shrugs. Apparently non-blondes are ok with him after all.General Hammond calls Colonel Blake to tell him the battle for Old Baldy was all over (the battle that was responsible for so many wounded). He ignores Henry's inquiry as to who won, instead telling him he got a rather disturbing report from Major "O'Houlihan" about things taking place at the 4077th that he finds hard to believe. Blake says, "well, don't believe them then...goodbye" and he hangs up the phone.General Hammond makes a trip over to the 4077th to check on things for himself. The first thing he does is join the surgeons out under a camouflage net for some martinis. They discuss Major Houlihan. Trapper tells the general that Colonel Blake can't be blamed for Hot Lips not being able to stand her name. When Hawkeye tells the general that Hot Lips is a regular Army fanatic who won't even let them play football, that gets the general's attention, as he loves football. He asks if the 4077th has a football team. Hawkeye starts to say no, but Trapper John interjects and says yes. Hammond mentions that his team at the 325th Evac (he's the head coach) is currently scheduling games for the upcoming season. They like to play games against other units and bet on the outcomes. When he says the bets are typically in the $5,000-$6,000 range, Hawkeye nearly chokes, but the general has already decided to go speak with Colonel Blake about it.Trapper observes that the general has five times the manpower to draw his football players from. Hawkeye thinks they can deal with that by finding a "ringer" to help them. He knows an Army neurosurgeon named Oliver Harmon Jones, a.k.a. "Spearchucker" who used to play for the San Francisco 49ers. If they can get Henry to put in a special request for Dr. Jones, then he could be on their football team. Forrest, being from Georgia, is concerned about potential social problems, as Jone's would be the only black officer in camp. Hawkeye tells Duke they'd just stick him in the Swamp with them.The general goes to see Blake and tell him about the football game plan. Henry is taken aback. "Football? Gambling? What about Houlihan?" The general says, "ya mean Hot Lips? Screw her!"So, "Spearchucker" (a nickname from his days as a javelin thrower) shows up at the 4077th and Colonel Blake assumes the role as head coach. He organizes the first practice and just as he's beginning his first coaching lesson (about the three basic principles of football: organization, discipline and teamwork), Dr. Jones interrupts and asks if they can all limber up first. Henry decides that's a good idea and asks Spearchucker to organize that.The team is put through a pretty rigorous training camp, just like any normal football team would go through. Hot Lips also participates by organizing a squad of nurses as cheerleaders.Trapper is the team's quarterback. Spearchucker is a running back. Spearchucker presents Colonel Blake with seven or eight plays that he drew up, telling the coach that he figured that's about the maximum number of plays their team could handle.As for the bet, Hawkeye suggests they bet $2,500 on the first half, in which Spearchucker won't play, then get new odds for the 2nd half and put Spearchucker in. Everyone agrees that's a good idea.On game day, the 325th Evac team is dressed in blue uniforms and the 4077th M.A.S.H. is in red jerseys and white helmets with red crosses on the front and back. The field is well manicured green grass and well marked. The referees are very official looking. There are cheerleaders for both teams and bleachers on one side of the field, filled with spectators.The 4077th kicks off and a flashy little runner for the 325th returns the ball for a touchdown. Spearchucker knows him as "Super Bug" (Noland Smith) and tells the others that Super Bug played for the L.A. Rams. Spearchucker tells his teammates they have to get Super Bug out of the game. Meanwhile, the general is telling his defensive star, a huge lineman, #88 (Ben Davidson) to go easy on the 4077th players so as not to run up the score.The 4077th's first play from scrimmage sees the ball snapped way over Trapper's head and he falls on it in the end zone for a safety.Radar serves as the water boy. He brings out a syringe and hands it to anesthesiologist Black who tucks it into his belt. After Super Bug returns the next kickoff for another touchdown, Dr. Black injects him in the arm, even using an alcohol swab first, while he's still on the ground. Within seconds, Super Bug becomes disoriented and falls down. On the sideline, he starts talking about the next race. He thinks they are all participating in a track meet.The "Painless Pole" tells the huge player opposite him, "All right, Bud, this time your fucking head is coming right off!" but he's the one who gets hammered.It's 16-0 at halftime and when the gun goes off signaling the end of the half, Super Bug mistakes it for a starter's gun and takes off in a sprint and runs into his team's cheerleaders, knocking them all over.Henry begins a rallying halftime speech when Hawkeye reminds him that he needs to go take care of the second half bet with General Hammond, so Blake stops talking and he and Radar go over to the 325th's locker room.The 325th's #88 takes a big mouthful of water and purposely directs a stream of water at Radar's head as they sit around observing the colonel and general discuss terms of the bet. Radar just looks like a sad little puppy dog as he is forced to suffer through the insult.The general and colonel decide to double the bet for the 2nd half.Spearchucker enters the game for the 4077th and returns the 2nd half kickoff for a touchdown. The extra point attempt is blocked. The general demands to know who the that new guy is and one of the players on the 325th tells him it's Spearchucker Jones who played for the 49ers. The general yells at Blake from across the field, accusing him of bringing in a ringer. Blake couldn't make out what the general said, so he asks Radar. Radar says, "His ringer identified our ringer." Blake shouts back, "How do ya like them apples, Charlie?"The second half is brutal, as numerous players from both side are injured and carted off the field. Several 325th Evac players are sharing a marijuana joint on the bench during the game. The general occasionally gets distracted looking at his team's cheerleaders.The 4077th cheerleaders stand right behind Colonel Blake throughout the game and he often gets frustrated with them. He once yells at Hot Lips, calling her a "blithering idiot" because she's cheering for everything that happens: injuries and penalties, as well as scores or good plays. When the gun goes off at the end of the third quarter, at the same time a 4077th player is being tackled, Hot Lips shouts out, "oh, my God, they shot him!"Blue team's #88 calls the 4077th's #69 a "coon," as he's black. #69 wants to fight #88, but gets chastised by Spearchucker for risking a penalty and ejection. Spearchucker knows something about #88 from pro football camp, so he advises #69 to use the fact that #88 has a sister named Gladys to turn the tables and piss him off instead. So, before the snap of the ball on the next play, #69 says something, causing #88 to level him. #69 jumps up and runs the opposite direction, with #88 in hot pursuit. They run all the way down the field before the refs and other catch up to them. #88 is ejected from the game as the 4077th cheerleaders start chanting, "69 is divine."The 4077th scores on a TD pass, but the extra point is muffed. The score is 16-12. It comes down to the last play of the game. Spearchucker tells the team that he spoke with the umpire and they will run a special "center eligible" play, where the center, SSgt. Vollmer, will hike the ball to Trapper, but then bring the ball right back between his legs and tuck it under his shirt as Trapper and the rest of the players carry out a fake. The play works, even after Vollmer runs over to the sideline to show Coach Blake that he actually has the ball, then he continues on down the sideline and, thanks to a block from Spearchucker, scores a touchdown. Final score: 4077th - 18, 325th -16.The 4077th team rolls back into camp, all drunk. Later, there's a big poker game in a tent and in the background a dead soldier is being loaded into the back of a Jeep and taken away, bringing the reality of their situation back in focus.There's a little yellow camp dog that Hawkeye often plays with. He calls it "pup-pup." He's petting the dog when he receives word from Radar that prompts him to rush over to the operating room and inform Forrest that they both had received orders to go home. Forrest can't celebrate right away, as he's assisting Dr. Jones in brain surgery.Father Mulcahy blesses the Jeep that Forrest and Hawkeye will leave in. After some quick goodbyes, Duke and Hawkeye jump in a Jeep, and just as when they arrived in Korea, they don't wait for their designated driver. Hawkeye drives and they roar out of camp. Blake asks Radar if Hawkeye just stole that Jeep and Radar says no, that it's the same Jeep they arrived in.The PA Announcer reads the end credits as the movie ends.

Tags: comedy, anti war, cult, suicidal, psychedelic, satire

Review:
The Robert Altman film with Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye, Elliott Gould as Trapper John, and Radar as Radar.
Script, direction, casting, music and acting are all at their very best in this satirical take on the Korean War - ironically, there is no army action played out during the movie, just the escapades of Elliot Gould, Donald Sutherland, et al where they are stationed to take in casualties of war.From the opening shots we feel the slow mood of the film, yet if we look a little closer, we see comedy and havoc all around.
It is very much a character driven movie.The football game just shows what these people are really like - fun, scheming, lovable cheats - but it pays off because the opposition is so loathsome.
But while I could see why M*A*S*H was groundbreaking and important for a Hollywood film of it's day (lack of the usual clear narrative line, anti-war stance, overlapping, improvised dialogue, sexuality, bloody operating room scenes serving as ironic counterpart, etc), it felt pretty dated and unfocused.
As is obvious from the many user comments here, it's difficult to talk about "MASH" without comparing it to "M*A*S*H," and in fact the most important cultural thing the film may have done is establish an aesthetic universe for the TV series to exist in (and that really is the only thing the film and the TV show have in common  as many have pointed out, the tone, style, timing, and even character personalities are quite different between the two).
But taken on its own, "MASH" is not really the anti-war polemic it's been made out to be, nor is it the joke-driven movie comedy we might expect from the series' style.
The movie subtly suggests that war makes ordinary people into silly, stupid, and vicious ones, and Hawkeye and Trapper are no more exempt from this law than Frank Burns; in fact, if anything they are more angry and mean than he is.
Some viewers will laugh at the moment of recognition, but playful directing doesn't make a good film all by itself.) Another possible innovation is the use of a Simon&Garfunkly theme ("Suicide is Painless") that has no bearing on the movie or much else in the world.
All the army ever did to these distinguished surgeons was to replace, temporarily of course, their zillion-dollar a year civilian careers with the opportunity to play golf, football, and crude practical jokes while occasionally saving of patients whom they obviously do not give a **** about personally.The primary "anti-war" message here is that surgical operations involve lots of blood squirting around.
It's quietly effective, immediately giving you a sense of the 4077th MASH unit (looking much bigger and grimmer than it ever did in the TV series) and coming as close as the movie ever does to delivering an effective anti-war statement.
Scenes like Major Burns and Hot Lips' transmitted tryst and Painless Pole's suicide attempt are not as funny as we are meant to think, but they are well shot, especially the Painless Pole bit, the best thing in the movie for pure entertainment.
Instead, it veers wildly off course, away from the camp and into two radically pointless subplots, one involving a trip by Hawkeye and Trapper to Japan where they operate on a congressman's son and a sick infant (some sort of parallel there, though lost on me), the other a football game that apparently was director Robert Altman's comment on the folly of war, but to me just shows what happens when you allow your characters to veer off-script for so long you can't make it back to the ending as written.
The actors who deservedly made their reputation in this film and give fine performances throughout are Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Robert Duvall, Sally Kellerman, Gary Burghoff and Bud Cort, and that's just the A-team.
When chest cutter Trapper John McIntyre joins them in the camp it starts a working practice that ignores authority and tries to find as much fun as possible in the middle of their bloody war.I had watched the TV show for a long time before I finally got to watch the movie - I prefer the cynical comedy of the film although I have always loved the more sitcom style approach of the series.
It does have some scenes of blood and gore but it is far from having anything substantial to say about the cruelty of war.Instead I always find this film to be a very episodic, freewheeling comedy, some bits of which work and some others don't.
Altman's use of overlapping dialogue and his usual use of overlapping scenes as opposed to a traditional narrative flow is good here but it would have been better if it had been toned down somewhat.The cast is what really carries the film - the plot is weak and they have no characters other than what they create themselves and, although the dialogue is good, I couldn't help the feeling that the cast did as much as the writers.
The support cast are all a good mix of characters whether they be played by actors such as Duvall and Kellerman or less well known faces such as Burghoff or Bowen.Overall, I am still unable to see what those who call this a `brutal anti-war film' see but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it as a comedy.
Hawkeye, Trapper John (Elliott Gould), Frank Burns (Robert Duvall), Hot Lips Houlihan (Sally Kellerman) and Col. Blake (Roger Bowen) are portrayed very differently than their TV counter-parts.
Anti-military perhaps, but not anti-war (and the two are not the same thing, in my opinion.)I realize that I'm not in tune here with most people's thinking, but as far as I'm concerned the best thing about this movie is actually hearing the words to the familiar MASH theme: "Suicide Is Painless." I also appreciated the fact that, this being a motion picture rather than a TV series, the horrors of war (ie, the wounds of the soldiers) could be more graphically (and therefore more soberingly) portrayed.
I cannot understand, how it ever could have been considered, as such.If you want good comedy, great characters, and very sad and moving anti-war material, watch the series.
This Robert Altman movie, made during the Vietnam war years, talks about a group of doctors during the Korea conflict.
The film was a big hit when it came out, maybe because it was the first movie to talk about army in a funny way -it teased the US Army...Today the film looks old and overrated and the political sarcasm seems very weak, actually.
Over and over I kept saying to myself "THIS is the classic I've heard such rave reviews about?" As so many others have noted, the movie displays a wide streak of misogyny, the main characters are supremely smug and unlikable, no plot to speak of, the endless football game is silly and belongs in another movie, the film itself is grainy and difficult to watch, and in general the movie carries a very ugly and mean-spirited tone.
Perhaps it was pioneering to see surgeons during the Korean War at work, but it added nothing to the overall film  no comedy, no insight, no charm  just a way to prove to the viewers that these men were actually men of medicine.
From the actors to the continuity to the muddled themes, "M.A.S.H." was genuine for its time, but watching it now, in 2008, it feels dated and overwhelmingly tiresome.What a treat it was to see the groundlings of such great actors like Donald Sutherland, Eliot Gould, Robert Duvall, and even Tom Skerritt.
While never a fan of the dry humor of the TV series & certainly too young to be an expert on the Korean War, MASH - the movie - comes off as an unconventionally funny & intriguing look at war thru the eyes of irreverent doctors in the kooky MASH unit.Director Robert Altman never allows us to get seriously involved in the "war" aspect of this film - there are few, if any, poignant moments in regards to the actual battle in Korea.
But there are jokes and laughs which this film relies on during the absurd war, it's the joking that keeps these characters alive.I wouldn't say this picture features a good screenplay but the direction is so unique that it deserves to be seen by everyone.
Nevertheless I have seen enough to know that it is miles superior to Robert Altman's 1970 film, in terms of acting, characters and especially in terms of jokes.'MASH' was a highly popular film when it was released.
I have heard it compared to 'Animal House' for its humour and anti-authority attitudes, but what made 'Animal House' better than the average such film was the well developed and appealing characters, of which 'MASH' the film (certainly not the TV series) has next to none.But with the TV series being a later spin-off from the movie, it is not quite right to compare and criticise.
And most people know that there was a T.V. show, but, surprisingly enough, not as many have heard about the movie.Directed by Robert "Gosford Park" Altman, it begins with all the characters coming to the 4077th (I think) MASH unit (Mobile Army Surgical Hospital) during the Korean War. Some characters include Hawkeye Pierce (Donald Sutherland), Trapper John (Elliot Gould), Duke (Tom Skerritt), and the foxy Hot Lips (Sally Kellerman).
I laughed on some occasions but most things that were supposed to be funny, I didn't like at all.In the TV-series, the characters were more sympathetical and even though they could be cynical and evil on many occasions, they had more warmth and respect for others, than they had in the film.The TV-series has given me many fine and funny moments and also a great anti-war message.
Sure, you can see the film, to see what the original preceding the TV-series looked like, but be thankful that they gave us eleven great seasons but only two hours of crap and not the other way around..
I don't know, perhaps I needed to be around at 1970 to fully understand its appeal and appreciate it, since it certainly was a popular movie at the time, that even had an even more successful TV-series following it up, only 2 years later.Thing that the movie is known and praised for, is its heavy anti-war message in it.
Maybe it would had also helped if the movie did actually showed some of its war but now I really never had the feeling as if the movie was taking place during a war situation.The cast-list sound interesting, with people such as Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Robert Duvall and Rene Auberjonois in it but most of them were still pretty big unknowns at the time and their roles also aren't all that big.
I have to credit Robert Altman's breakthrough film MASH for at least one thing- it's one of the few films from the 70's to look at those in war not as overly anxious and gung-ho military types, but average shlubs working a particular kind of job.
The film is put together in a piece-meal kind of way, with about as loose a plot as dialog construction, where the sense of humor from the main male characters (i.e. Elliot Gould and Donald Sutherland) is the kind of juvenile, sarcastic humor associated with its time.
This is likely the kind of film that John Landis must have seen at least a few times before making Animal House.But the problem for me, aside from the film's strength in breaking conventions and having such a varied cast (Sally Kellerman and Robert Duvall in the same movie, not to mention Tom Skerritt and Bud Cort), is in it working as a comedy.
The humor and jokes in the film are a big step above the television show's lot that followed in the 70's (then again, I'm not a fan of the show anyway), but the attitudes of the characters, and the little understated bits that happen, miss marks of satire I would've liked to have seen.
I have not ever seen an episode of the show so my opinion of the show is yet to be discovered, but my opinion of the movie is that it's not funny enough to be a comedy, not dramatic enough to be a drama, and isn't about the war enough to make it a war film.
Although (sadly) it is better known as a long-running television series, the film is an absolute treat that has gained a reputation among fans and critics as one of the best American movies of all time.
Even more impressive is the fact that it's an anti-war movie in which not a single bullet is fired -- unless you count the gun that goes off during the ending football game, leading to one of the film's biggest laughs as Hot Lips screams, "Oh my God!
This film was obviously ahead of its time and I think something is lost when some people watch it today.It is an antiwar black comedy that deals with the absurdity of war and its horrific consequences, much the same as "Catch-22".
Women aren't being treated like objects, especially when you consider the time-frame for this movie was the Korean war (early 1950's), so there wasn't even a women's liberation movement as yet, anyway it takes two to Tango, and in the interim if a "regular army clown" gets his/her comeuppance, it's just sauce for the goose and eventually they do come around most willingly.I personally think this film is cinematic masterpiece and a genuine timeless classic full of satire, and will endure through the ages.
I was a big fan of the MASH series.In fact,it is my favorite TV show,period.Oddly enough,I had never seen the movie until now.Now,that I have,I can honestly say that I am glad that I got to know the series first.The characters that we came to know and love because of the series were portrayed much differently here and as a result,they are much less likable.Another issue that I have is the perception that all people who read the Bible and kneel by their bedside to pray are automatically written off as nut jobs.Some may be,but certainly not all of them are.To be fair,perhaps the Frank Burns character as played by Robert Duvall did deserve his fate.All in all,I am glad I waited so long to view this film,because if I had seen the film first,I may never have given the series the time of day..
though i thought this movie was OK,in my opinion it pales in comparison to the Television series.i have nothing against any of the actors,most of whom were just staring out or barely known at the time,and are now well known.but,in the TV series,the actor are a better fit for the characters.the movie isn't as clever as the TV show either,although there are some moments of dialogue brilliance.Elliot Gould and Donald Sutherland do have good chemistry together though,and that counts for something.however,something else that really bugged me was the opening theme song.in the series,it's all instrumental.in the movie,we get to hear the lyrics which to me,overpower the piece,and take away its impact.plus,the words don't really make sense and they don't fit with the melody.that may seem like a minor point,but to me it's a major faux pas.as for the movie itself,it's not horrible by any means.it's just no masterpiece.for me MASH (the movie)is a 5/10.
Robert Altman directs the irreverent gags of Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke (Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould, Tom Skerrit, respectively) and the rest of the assorted doctors, nurses, and soldiers at the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital unit (or MASH) during the Korean War (Altman strived to make it look like Vietnam to fool audiences).
Unlike the TV counterpart, this MASH was as cynical as it should have been, and the characters were real with incredibly memorable lines like that spoken by Margaret "Hotlips": Houlihan, "I wonder how a degenerate like that ever reached a responsible position in the Army's medical corps?" to which Father "Dago Red" Mulcahy replied "He was drafted." Korea like Vietnam was a war in which the U.S. meddled in what was essentially a civil war, and in that they were the same more or less, but this movie's war was no different in the respect of the way the Army looked at their own soldiers.
I wonder if that TV exec or producer preferred the movie to the TV show.) I must have seen this film about a dozen times when it hit Tan Son Nhut AB RVN and refused to see Patton when it played at first, because I knew that IT was put there to counteract the anti-war sentiment of MASH.
Which is also interesting to note that the author of the book didn't like the anti-war sentiment of either the film or the TV show, though I don't believe he ever sent back a single royalty check.I resented the softening of the Radar O'Reilly character on the TV show even though the same actor played the part both times.
You know you're in for something very odd when the theme song is named "Suicide is Painless".This is, inexplicably, considered an anti-war movie, as only a viewer who has never actually seen one could describe it (and what Altman said about his own work doesn't sway me - he outfoxed himself).
For people expecting a total war movie, do not even watch this film.
Around this time is when Robert Altman took on the job of directing a film based off of a book titled MASH.The movie was focused around three drafted Army surgeons and how they lived their lives in a MASH unit stationed on the front lines during the Korean War. It was a combination of serious moments and dark humor, elements of which carried over to the television series.