Lesbian Vampire Killers

Plot synopsis:
Jimmy (Mathew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden) are two friends living in London, experiencing life problems. Jimmy is dumped by his unscrupulous girlfriend, and Fletch is fired from his job as a clown for punching a child. They decide to escape their woes and hike to a remote village in Norfolk that they find on an old map. As they arrive at a pub in the village, with Jimmy upset about Fletch destroying his phone, they see a number of attractive foreign female history students leaving.
Hoping to find more beautiful women inside, they are greeted by a morose crowd of men and approached by a seemingly crazed vicar (Paul McGann) who believes Jimmy is a long lost descendant of a local vampire slayer. As the barman offers the two men free ale as an apology for the vicar, they learn the students they saw earlier are going to a cottage - where they are to stay the night. Jimmy and Fletch pursue the students' van, catching up to it as the engine has broken down, and are introduced to four girls (Heidi, Lotte, Anke and Trudi). They are invited to join a party on the bus.
The group arrives at their destination, only to learn that a curse rests over the village and that every female child turns into a lesbian vampire on her eighteenth birthday. There is an old legend stating that the Vampire Queen, Carmilla, descended on the village during the night of a blood moon, killed its menfolk and seduced its women to her evil. When the ruler of the land, Baron Wolfgang Mclaren (Jimmy's great ancestor) returned from the Crusades, he discovered one of the women corrupted by Carmilla was his wife, Eva. The baron forged a sacred sword, then defeated Carmilla, but before dying, Carmilla cursed the village, adding that when the blood of the last of Mclaren's bloodline mixed with a virgin girl's blood, Carmilla would be resurrected.
Fletch and Jimmy spend the night with the women. Heidi and Anke are turned into vampires. After Lotte insists that the others try to find her missing friends, they witness Trudi being turned. Eva, Carmilla's mistress, tries to draw Lotte to her growing clan of lesbian vampires. The trio runs back into the cottage after killing Heidi and Anke and barricade themselves in after the vampires destroy the van. Jimmy's ex-girlfriend Judi arrives at the door and Jimmy, not ready to give up on the relationship, takes her into the bedroom. Lotte reveals to Fletch that she is a virgin and wants to sleep with Jimmy.
At the church, the Vicar researches the vampire slayer who killed Carmilla before arming himself and setting off to find Jimmy. Judi reveals herself to be a vampire, and after a struggle, Fletch and Jimmy kill her. The vampires approach the cottage and Jimmy inadvertently invites them in. Eva discovers that Jimmy is the descendant of the baron who killed Carmilla and that Lotte is a virgin and kidnaps them.
The Vicar saves Fletch from Trudi and tells Fletch the truth about the village and Jimmy's identity. They go after Jimmy and Lotte in the Vicar's crucifix-covered car. As the vampires prepare to sacrifice Lotte and Jimmy, Fletch and the Vicar try to recover the Sword of Dylldo, the sword that killed Carmilla, from the baron's tomb. While Fletch works to open the tomb, the Vicar checks on his daughter Rebecca, but does not notice that she has been turned. Rebecca attempts to seduce Fletch, who does not know what she is. When she attacks him, she is inadvertently impaled on the sword. Fletch decides not to tell the Vicar of his daughter's death.
At Carmilla's tomb, Lotte reveals her love for Jimmy. The vampires begin draining the two of their blood to resurrect Carmilla. With the sword, Fletch and the Vicar drive to Carmilla's tomb. When they enter the woods, they bring various weapons, but forget the sword. Despite not having the sword, the pair reach Jimmy and Lotte. The Vicar releases them, but not before enough blood gathers to resurrect Carmilla. The Vicar sacrifices himself so the others can get back to the car for the sword. Eva separates Lotte from the men, attacking and seducing her. Lotte fights back while Fletch and Jimmy fetch weapons. Lotte kills Eva with her cross necklace, infuriating Carmilla. Fletch tries to kill Carmilla before Lotte is turned, but is captured himself. Jimmy saves them by hurling the sword at Carmilla, piercing her heart and destroying her for good. With the curse lifted, the three survivors decide to continue ridding the world of evil.
The film ends with the shot of a "Gay Werewolf" howling before the full moon.

Tags: comedy, boring, satire, sadist

Review:
It's audacious, rude, blasphemous and somewhat morbidly erotic—and yet, I couldn't have been more pleased with such a piece of popcorn-trash-cinema.The movie takes place largely within a small rural area of Norfolk which has a history involving an ancient curse that creates lesbian vampires out of all the town's females as soon as they turn eighteen.
Off on an unsuspecting break from their dreary lives which are shamefully going nowhere, best friends Fletch (James Corden) and Jimmy (Mathew Horne) soon end up in the middle of a group of scantily clad, tantalising lesbians who take a special interest in Jimmy because of his supposed lineage dating back to their hybrid queen who wants to rule the world again.
Not only does help to solidify the movie's satirical edge towards fooling no-one to take all this seriously, but it offers plenty of brilliant one-liners and character humour too, resulting in a light, almost care-free experience that entertains more than disgruntles.With that being said however, it should also be noted that Lesbian Vampire Killers isn't all dumb and sophomoric; in fact, there's plenty of intelligence going on behind the scenes, and it isn't hard to see.
Of course, a large majority of that very same dialogue gets most of its laughs from the odd curse here or there, but it's all so well timed and perfectly played out that you don't care if it's cheap and rudimentary—Lesbian Vampire Killers, isn't necessarily out to impress through any other means, and it's refreshing to be treated to such a movie that stays true to that ideal without succumbing to tired, derivative writing.Furthermore, it has to be said that while the feature comes from an ensemble of largely unknowns within the business, you would never be able to tell.
Essentially unless you like lesbians vampires and killings, and unless you one of those people who sees Matthew Horne throwing a sword at the bad guy who is in the middle of his two friends and think 'that doesn't make any sense he could have missed and hit James Corden, why didn't he just stab the sword' instead of thinking 'wow that was kick ass' then don't go and see this movie because you won't enjoy it..
It is neither violent nor scary, but this is not necessarily a bad thing and it might be here that lies its charm, those who will let go of politically correct preoccupations of what a film or a title of a film should be about will inevitably enjoy this light hearted comedy as it has plenty of opportunities to laugh out loud, if you are not too worried what the person next to you or the eminent critics will think of you and you just join in the fun!.
If you think you're going to get Shaun Of The Dead with vampires as one comment suggests you will be massively disappointed.This film is not without it's laughs, but sadly they are few and far between and mostly in the trailer (the werewolf line is still the best in the whole film so work out how much that made you laugh in the trailer, figure that's the best you're getting and decide from there).It is only 87 minutes but it still manages to get dull, something Shaun avoided.
They are abducted by the vampires, but Fletch escapes and meets Reverend Vicar (Paul McGann) that tells him that Jimmy is a descendant of the baron and only hope to stop the evil curse of Cragwich.The B-movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers" is indeed an entertaining silliness with a funny story, supported by a stylish cinematography, very sexy women and two imbeciles in the lead roles.
This movie will certainly never be nominated to an Oscar and is not recommended to intellectuals or fans of art movie; however, for an average viewer like me that knows what might expect from a movie with the title "Lesbian Vampire Killers", he or she will not be disappointed and will certainly laugh a lot.
But they discover that there is an ancient curse on the girls in the village, where when a girl turns 18 they become a lesbian vampire.....This movie is the latest to try and combine the horror and comedy genres.
It could be that this movie is aimed purely as a comedy, that happens to be horror set, but as it is billed as a horror-comedy it has to be judged on those terms.The effects and make-up are pretty good, and because of a lack of blood (when the vampires die, a white substance erupts from them), it is only rated a 15 in the UK.The movie is fast paced and never out-stays it welcome and for it's running time, will have you laughing a lot.
Outside the more obvious things like the parodying of different horror movie antagonists, and the "loser with a fat best friend" pairing of Horne and Corden, the first 10 minutes is pretty much how Shaun of the Dead starts without the zombies and through Corden's acting you can hear him screaming "I want to be Nick Frost!" to himself.Outside of this though, the movie is still terrible.
Of all the lame movies made by the British film industry in the past decade, LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS stands as the worst of the lot.
Some fans of James Corden and Mathew Horne – if there are any – may get a few more chuckles out of it than I did, but I think even those with the most forgiving of temperaments are going to find this hard going.The "plot", if you can call it that, appears to have been written on the back of a beermat with as little insight as possible: two good-for-nothing blokes go on holiday to Norfolk (not that you'll recognise it) and fall foul of an ancient curse involving lesbian vampires.
In fact, the plot was written around the title, but if you're hoping for a cheesy, blood-soaked B-movie in the vein of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN or TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, then you're going to be disappointed.There's barely any nudity and the decision was made to have the vampire blood white instead of red, so any would-be splatter scenes are completely awful.
Obviously spurred on by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's meteoric success following their appearance in British zombie comedy Shaun of the Dead, 'Gavin & Stacey's James Corden and Mathew Horne attempt to pull off the same trick by starring in Lesbian Vampire Killers, the tale of a luckless pair of lads who find themselves neck deep in sexy vampires whilst on a hiking holiday.However, rather than catapulting them into Hollywood blockbuster territory, this puerile effort is more likely to send the hopeful duo hurtling into obscurity.Playing a pair of foul-mouthed losers obsessed with sex and beer isn't the problem—after all, the main characters in 'Shaun' were hardly upstanding role models.
No, the main reason this film fails so spectacularly is that it just isn't funny, with the comedy rarely rising above the level of schoolboy toilet humour, and the incessant swearing only serving to highlight the lack of genuine wit (to my shame, I sniggered at the phallic sword hilt, but that joke was the best of a very bad bunch and was repeated ad nauseum).In addition to the laugh-free script, Cordon and Horne fail to make their characters likable, director Phil Claydon irritates with his dreadful directorial gimmicks, the acting is absolutely crap, the film lacks blood 'n' guts (when the vamps are killed, they spew white goop; what's up with that?), and the lesbian vampires themselves disappoint by never getting completely naked and properly getting it on with each other (there's a little bit of girl on girl snogging, but what's the point of giving your film such a cool sounding title if you're not really going to try and live up to it?).All in all, this film is a complete embarrassment and an insult to fans of horror comedy..
The only thing remotely funny about this movie is the "Lesbian Vampire Killers" title.
They obviously are going for the Shaun of the Dead crowd by having British comics and replacing the zombies with vampires, but the jokes in this movie as well as all the actors/characters in it are just painful.
Examples as "Vampyros Lesbos" (1971) and "The Hunger" (1983) standing to take the more erotic stance than the suggestiveness of a hidden look, a darkened room to hide her pleasure and a moment lost, the censorship's have been cruel to her ways, but the times have now truly changed.The latest sex-drive of this female fantasy comes along in the guise of "Lesbian Vampires Killers", a guise too, if preferred, in the shape of the old Hammer Film Productions circa of "The Vampire Lovers" (1970), a contemporary version, then, of Sheridan Le Fanu's "Carmilla".This genre has now been striped down and is a fully loaded parable of the way of the lady vampires', that's lesbian lady vamp, though a somewhat sedate and too laid bare for any real scope of narrative and personality, it is, in the end, a glorified T & A, comic book if at all black comedy.Phil Claydon (Dir), Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams (writers') are not unfamiliar to comedy, but this, sadly, just misses the mark.
Well, "Lesbian Vampire Killers", directed by Phil Claydon and written by Stewart Williams & Paul Hupfield, fortunately does manage to be pretty entertaining stuff, although viewers reading the title and hoping for something REALLY trashy are going to be sorely disappointed.The story is yet another borrowing of J.
I saw 'Lesbian Vampire Killers' on sky and I wish I didn't , it stars 'Gavin and Stacey' stars James Corden and Mat Horne, it's their movie debut – The plot is easy: dumped by his deceitful girlfriend Judy, unlucky Jimmy (Horne) drags his friend Fletch (Corden) on a trip to Norfolk.
Low budget British film-making is consistently a bad joke but a good director and cast can work wonders even on zero budget – take a look at Brad Watson's 'Asylum Night' which is everything LVKs makers were probably hoping it would be..
Unfortunately, this dire attempt at comedy sees James Corden playing a childish fatty with a penchant for expletives and chummed up with poor Mathew Horne as the straight guy.Presumably this was supposed to be a homage to some Morecambe and Wise farce with lashings of low-budget Hammer Horror thrown in for good measure.What we find is a cast struggling with below par dialogue and a script that must have seemed funny down the pub over a gallon or two of high-strength lager.Horne and McGann (what was Paul McGann thinking?) try their best with inadequate plotting and dire fight choreography and despite some passable cinematography, James Corden manages to drag this almost passable farce into a grave where it should have remained buried, playing "Smiffy" all over again.I watched all six episodes of Horne and Corden expecting it to get better - it didn't; and this is even worse.
Some can say that it is derivative and juvenile, but, what the heck, what can one can expect from a movie called "Lesbian Vampire Killer"?Give it a try, it is much better than most comedies produced by Hollywood these days.
The girls however come and save the day making this movie a much more pleasant experience, but without a rating 18 the title Lesbian -vampire killer is not actually to the point.
OK about the film its an okish British small budget comedy horror that given some time and some money and some interest could have been the best lesbian vampire film for about 30 years, but I've had a few beers and just watched it and feel a bit hard done by cos it could have been so much better!OK the film is about lesbians and vampires and has a good story there are 2 British comedy actors "gavin and Stacey" which has taken off hugely in the last few months or so in Britain, so a cult following ensues for the film ,very good effects for a British film slapstick comedy!
OK, I don't actually like James Corden and Matthew Horne but one of the reviews for this movie stated that it was "Shaun Of The Dead With Vampires" and seeing that Shaun Of The Dead is my favourite movie of all time, I thought I would take a look!
Let The Teeth Sink In. Lesbian Vampire Killers is a good one time watch, a mindless but entertaining horror-comedy with some strong and some not so strong moments.
No new classic or must-see but if you like Brit horror comedies like Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz or Doghouse you will like this one too.The ingredients: a curse, blood-thirsty sexy lesbian vampires and some beer-drinking silly not too grown up heroes and something called love.Not outstanding but good.
It is not out to emulate any other film, but it is an homage to Roger Corman, Ed Wood, Vincent Price, and many other films of the genre, but done in a totally funny way with James Corden ("Gavin & Stacey", "Fat Friends", The History Boys) as Fletch, and Mathew Horne ("Gavin & Stacey") as his really crazy buddy Jimmy.Paul McGann (Dr Who, "The Monocled Mutineer") plays the Vicar.Lots of gore, disgusting fluids, and very funny lines.Sorry lads, the lack of nudity really detracted from the film..
After being more well-known as Smithy and Gavin in the award-winning comedy-drama series Gavin and Stacey, James Corden and Mathew Horne decide to hit the big screen with Lesbian Vampire Killers but should you judge the movie because of its title?
They decide where to camp wherever the dart lands on the map and the dart lands on- tada!- Cragwich, a cursed village.Many men who watch this might find the title a little misleading as it isn't entirely about Lesbian Vampires and you won't see much girl-on-girl action but it's still not a bad comedy.
Things look promising and perhaps both men would get lucky, were it not for a centuries old curse which sees all the girls of the village become lesbian vampires when they turn 18 years old.All I know about Corden and Horne is what I have gleamed from the critics.
I'd have to admit that this comedy is really great for a Monday night after a start to the work week, and seriously, you're not going to care much about the flimsy excuse of a plot that would've raised some interest due to its focus on the sexuality and sensuality of vampires.Written by Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams, the story tells of two losers in life Jimmy (Matthew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden), the former being stuck in a cyclic romance interspersed by moments of being dumped by the other half, while the latter is just having no luck with women because of his size.
Some jokes are still rather juvenile of course, going through similar formula also seen in other movies, and Corden easily romps home with favourite comedic artist seen this year, thanks to having delivered some of the best lines and moments in the film.Plenty of throwaway characters here as well especially that of the female of the species, but it was the swearing Vicar (Paul McGann) who was just hilarious in the role of a man racing against time with a personal agenda, and that's to prevent his own daughter from falling prey to the curse and becoming a lesbian vampire herself.
Plot In A Paragraph: Their women having been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural town send two hapless young lads (James Corden and Matthew Horne) out onto the moors as a sacrifice.I don't understand what some people were expecting going to see a movie called "Lesbian Vampire Killers".
So if you like horror-comedies then you should NOT let "Lesbian Vampire Killers" pass you by.
Of course, the title is a blast, but so is "Zombie Strippers!", and in this last one the poor production quality annoyed me far too much to find it enjoyable.This problem is not present in "Lesbian Vampire Killers" though, the filming is great and the special effects are quite satisfactory, so if you're thinking: "Alas, this oughtta be one more of those amateurs thrash movies", think again, because this really isn't the case at all.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is an unpretentious comedy B film that pokes fun of the horror genre especially the campy lady vampiress ones.When Jimmy (Mathew Horne)is again dumped by his girlfriend, he and his best mate Fletch (James Corden) go on a hiking holiday in the country.
All the girls casted were very beautiful and most of the jokes were fun too.Watch this movie is if you want to see blood, disgusting fluids and a funny nonsense film!.
Fletch and Jimmy decide to hike in the English countryside, however they son find themselves in the company of beautiful women in a deserted cottage....And then the Vampires come out to play.I genuinely wanted to like this, I wanted to laugh...But for some reason the laughs were hard to come by, it seemed that the 'Gavin and Stacey' actors were trying to use there fame as a 'Comedy' factor....The one thing that was good about the film was the beautiful women, ..It includes beautiful British actresses such as 'Myanna Buring, Vera Filatova'....But the accents are not the best, neither is the acting any good...
Friends Jimmy (Mathew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden) go on a hiking trip to take their minds off of things and wind up in Cragwich, a small town right of one of the old Hammer 'Dracula' films, Vicar and weird townsfolk included, only this town is haunted by LESBIAN VAMPIRES.
I quite like the comedy of James Corden, and Mathew Horne is a pretty good comic actor as well.