Modern Vampires
Tags: comedy, cult, satire, violence

Plot synopsis:
Dallas (Casper Van Dien) is not a very discriminating vampire. Years ago, in an effort to save the life of Hans, the crippled son of famed Viennese vampire hunter Doctor Frederick Van Helsing, he turned him into a vampire, without permission from The Count (Robert Pastorelli). It's later revealed that he turned young and waifish Nico (Natasha Gregson Wagner), who has since been on a killing spree across Los Angeles earning her the nickname "Hollywood Slasher", which infuriates The Count, who orders her immediate death. Even with both Van Helsing and The Count on his tail and after 20 years in exile, Dallas can't resist returning to L.A. to pay a visit to his dearest friends — beautiful Ulrike (Kim Cattrall), urbane Vincent (Udo Kier), artist Richard (Craig Ferguson) and Richard's ever-pregnant wife Panthia (Natasha Andrejchenko). To celebrate Dallas' return, the five of them decide to spend the night clubbing in one of The Count's many vampire bars. Unfortunately, The Count is also there. When he sees Dallas is back in town, he gives him three days to leave or else.
Dr. Van Helsing (Rod Steiger), leader of Van Helsing's Institute of Vienna, also has his eye on the band of merrymaking vampires. "It's an infestation" he concludes, and realizes that he can't handle the extermination alone. So, he puts an ad in the newspaper looking for a "strong and brave young man who's not afraid to get his hands dirty in a cause that is holy." What he gets is Crips member Time Bomb (Gabriel Casseus), who doesn't believe in vampires but is willing to put a stake through anyone's heart for cold hard cash. The pair succeed in killing Vincent.
After killing Vincent, Van Helsing tells Time Bomb that 20 years ago his son Hans became good friends with Dallas who promised to save his life from a fatal genetic disorder by turning him into a vampire. He eventually discovered this on his own by finding out his wife was secretly visiting Hans late night at a family mausoleum. He then killed Hans with a stake through the heart, and mentions that after killing Hans, his wife committed suicide out of grief. Van Helsing makes it abundantly clear that he will destroy Dallas.
Dallas is feeling protective (and a little curious) about his protegee Nico, so he drives around Hollywood Boulevard that night until he spots her. After sharing a bit of each other's blood, Dallas reveals who he is and explains that the vampire community is out to get her. They're afraid that Nico will get herself arrested and then the whole world will know that vampires exist. Dallas forces her to move from the junked oil tanker in which she sleeps and to come live with Richard and Panthia who clean her up and take her shopping for some new clothes. Panthia develops a mother-like complex towards Nico and starts treating her like a daughter.
When they pick another victim at a late night coffee shop, Nico makes a human friend named Rachel (Natasha Lyonne). But, when they return to Richard and Panthia's house, they find Ulrike sitting on her car hood, crying. She has discovered Vincent's decaptiated body. Knowing that this was Van Helsing's handywork, Dallas theorizes that he's closing in on them. Dallas then decides to take Nico to see her mother's house since Nico doesn't remember much about her past during her human life. This turns out to be a bad idea, as Nico has him kill her verbally and sexually abusive stepfather as payback for all that "sex shit he did to her when she was little". Nico exchanges heated words with her neglectful mother, who she claims never loved her. As they leave the trailer park, they are attacked by four of The Count's henchmen. Dallas and Nico manage to shoot three of them and set fire to the fourth.
Dallas then tells his side of the story to Nico - Originally Dallas was ordered to kill Van Hellsing, but he ended up befriending Hans and decided not to. After saving Hans from the genetic disorder, he hoped that his father's attitude would change towards the vampire community, but it didn't. Van Helsing became vengeful towards Dallas and killed Hans without mercy. The Count then banished Dallas as punishment for not carrying out his order to kill him.
The next night, while Richard, Panthia, and Ulrike are sitting around the living room and listening to music, Nico gets a call from her new friend Rachel and Invites Nico out to a small party with some delinquent teenagers, and Nico is eager to go. Meanwhile, Dallas pays a visit to The Count and begs to be allowed to train Nico. The Count will have none of it and advises Dallas to deliver Nico to him or he and everyone he cares about "will die screaming".
Having come to the conclusion that even two vampire hunters will not be enough against the vampire infestation, Van Helsing and Time Bomb bring in three more Crips members - Soda Pop (Victor Togunde), L'il Monster (Cedrick Terrell), and Trigger (Flex Alexander). While Nico and Dallas are out, Van Helsing and his four employees storm the house and drive stakes through Richard and Panthia. They tie Ulrike to a bedpost, but she taunts the Crips into having sex with her before Van Helsing finally stakes her, too. Little do they know that to have sex with a vampire turns a person into a vampire. Suddenly, Nico walks in, horrified at the carnage. She attacks Trigger, who pulls a gun and tries to get off a shot. The bullet hits Rachel instead. Nico grabs the gun and shoots Trigger. Time Bomb subdues Nico with a rope of garlic, just as Dallas returns home and comes face to face with Van Helsing. In exchange for letting Nico go, Dallas offers to lead Van Helsing to The Count. So, Van Helsing, Time Bomb, Trigger, L'il Monster, Soda Pop, Nico, Rachel and Dallas pile into Van Helsing's van and head for The Count's house. Unfortunately, The Count's henchmen intercept them and take Nico and Van Helsing to The Count, where he hooks up Nico to a blood-draining machine and places Van Helsing in a box with only his head sticking out. Just as The Count is about to crack open Van Helsing's skull with a hammer, Dallas drives the van through the wall of the club. Dallas and the Crips, now vampires, come out shooting. Many bullets and stakes later, The Count and his henchmen are destroyed, Nico is set free, Rachel has been made into a vampire, and Nico, Rachel, and Dallas have decided to move to New York. In the closing scene, a pajama-clad Van Helsing runs down an alley, screaming for forgiveness from his son. As he utters apologies to God and his son Hans, he screams for help, revealing his new vampire fangs in front of two policemen.

Review: Modern Vampires is the tale of a crew of ghastlies enjoying the night life of L.A. in relative obscurity until someone goes on a killing rampage which brings them to the attention of the local police, as well as the local don, Count Dracula, who likes discretion so much that he even has a special cleaning service for messy vampires.
A parallel plot involves Dr. Van Helsing on another of his famous vampire hunts, so the predatory vampiress is triply threatened.This is not an easy film to characterize.
They turn their victims into human sodas to be drunk in underground nightclubs They transform into gargoyle like creatures that seem to have more in common with modern sfx-driven horror movies than the original vampire legend.
They even throw in a bit of Lesbian activity, but the most interesting scenes involve Van Dien and Wagner-as visually arresting a couple as you'll ever find anywhere-who, before the movie ends, have managed to swap almost every bodily fluid imaginable.
MV can't decide if it's horror, comedy, romance or satire, and so mostly falls short of being really satisfying in any category, but it delivers some characters who can be fun to watch, notably Van Dien and Wagner as the young (in vampire terms) lovers fleeing the old vampire patriarch whose will they have defied.
Rod Steiger looks and acts like a cross between Uncle Fester and the decrepit Van Helsing portrayed by Olivier in Dracula 79.
(For a similar new take on vampires, though hardly as funny, be sure to see Dance of the Damned) Actually, though Modern Vampires seems to strive to be intentionally bad, this makes it very funny, very hip though certainly not for everyone.I loved it for the early humor (The scene with the bitchy salesperson in the dress shop was worth the rental price all by itself), and was sad to see the over the top end did not work quite as well as the first half..
Rod Steiger is a great actor and he makes this movie good.
She does something in this film that you never see a vampire do in a movie, go back and visit her family who thought she was long dead since she had been missing for years.
The confrontation with her parents makes for a good scene and it is something fresh in a vampire movie.The story moves along well and the ending has some interesting twists.
It certainly does make vampires out to be such fun creatures.Natasha Gregson Wagner and Casper Van Dien are a couple of modern vampires who are tired of the rule of that most notorious vampire of them all, Count Dracula as played by Robert Pastorelli.
But all of them have to worry that that famous vampire slaughterer Van Helsing who's on the prowl with some new kind of help, a few boys from the hood.Except when Steiger was on the screen I didn't get too many laughs out of this film though.
Matthew Bright and Richard Elfman team up yet again to give hollywood the middle finger in this over-the-top vampire film.
If you haven't seen other Richard Elfman or Matthew Bright Films, I would recommend Freeway or Shrunken Heads before Modern Vampires.
But if you're looking for a good vampire movie, be sure to check this one out; it's much better than the average..
rod sterling is one of many great actors in this movie but absolutely steals the show here and gives the funniest van helsing performance ever in hollywood .
Yes, we have a service provided by "The Count" to Pick-up those tedious left-over drained bodies, blood on tap at your local all-you can eat People served at the local Dance-halls, a real appreciation for cheezy European accents, and just a glimpse of what Jerry Springer's show would be like could vampires actually hang out in public!Anyone who has a real appreciation for movies such as Trey Parker/Matt Stone's Cannibal: The Musical, or Peter Jackson's Dead Alive and/or Bad Taste, will easily be able to get the point of this movie.
"Modern Vampires" is one of the cleverest vampire films ever.**SPOILERS**Vampire Dallas (Casper Van Dien) returns to LA, driving Art Gallery Owner/Vampire Ulrike (Kim Cattrall) and her friends Vincent, (Udo Kier) Richard (Craig Ferguson) and Panthia (Natasha Andrejchencho) into a wild frenzy.
That to me screams, "Cut down the cast before the cameras roll, not during."The Final Verdict: This is a good, interesting vampire film that could really become a cult classic.
This is a vampire film for people who like movies like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Snakes on a Plane, Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town and From Dusk Till Dawn.
Rod Steiger gives an interesting, hysterical bent to his portrayal of Van Helsing, and Natasha Gregson Wagner is excellent in the role of Nico..
The writing and the directing and the filming were so AMAZING and so great, and even the really intense scenes, like the part where they go shopping or the "final showdown" were very stylish unlike almost every vampire movie I have seen.
But unlike juvenile tripe such as "My best friend is a vampire" and "love at first bite," "MODERN VAMPIRES" truly excels as a quality adult horror film, ripe and rife with sparkling wit, clever innuendo, hot and sexy vampire vixens, excellent acting, and art direction of a caliber that allows genuinely qualified comparison to major hollywood studio pictures.
I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THIS MOVIE and wait with bated breath for more such excellent films from clearly visionary director Elfman..
The scene where his friends  take Casper Van Dien to the Vampire night club turns this movie into an incredible addition to any Vampire lovers collection!
Directed by genius horror and B-Movie film maker Richard Elfman, "Modern Vampires" gives me something to sink my teeth into.
I would say that this movie ranks up there with the great horror spoofs "Nudist Colony of the Dead," and "Cannibal the Musical," absolutely one of my favorite films..
Richard Elfman, who you might remember from FORBIDDEN ZONE (yay!) make a funny, violent, sensual b-movie in the best sense of the word.
MODERN VAMPIRES has an entertaining script, with vampire hunter van Helsing recruiting the LA gang the Crips (you can guess who the Bloods  belong to), a cool cast, and lots of visual candy.
Funny, yet seriously gory, sensual and smart, this well cast film (great, though sadly abbreviated performance by the unparalleled Udo Kier) delivers to fans of cult films who prefer to watch actors acting instead of CGI FX eye candy trying to replace engaging dialogue and character development.
Rod Steiger is simply perfect as Van Helsing chasing down vampires in modern day Los Angeles.Oh yeah, plenty of T&A to please everyone, as well!
Casper Van Dien makes a great vampire, along with Kim Cattrall and the rest of the cast.
I love all of Richard Elfman's other work as well, The Forbidden Zone and the Shrunken Heads, but Modern Vampires really blew me away.
I think modern vampires was a different but excellent movie,  My family and I sat on the edge of the couch and watched as this film took our emotions for a ride.
I liked the fact that it was different than most of your modern day vampire movies.
Modern Vampires is a great movie...definitely worth watching.
Director Richard Elfman has taken the familiar themes of the vampire movie and has approached them from a skewed perspective in "Modern Vampires." The urban hipster Los Angeles setting couldn't be farther from Transylvania, and the old Universal Pictures bloodsucker flicks never exposed so much firm young female flesh - boobs, that is.
It is unique and definitely worth watching if you like horror or vampire movies.
But Richard Elfman's film Modern Vampires is able to effectively combine the two, delivering an enjoyable spoof.From the mind that brought us both the quintessential cult film Forbidden Zone, and the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo -- the earlier incarnation of the now disbanded musical outfit, Oingo Boingo -- comes an amusing romp through an L.A.
(or "HelLA," to quote the late, great Bill Hicks) vamp playground presided over by "the Count," an underground society of exclusive vampire nightclubs and even a home pickup service for discarded victims.While Modern Vampires seeks to contemporize the immortal Dracula story in a couple of ways -- for instance, making good professor Van Helsing a former Nazi doctor -- this is a pleasantly trashy film that treads upon tradition almost as delicately as it drives a stake through Udo Kier's heart (with blood drenching the face of a young slayer).
Casper Van Dien stars as Dallas, a vampire returning from exile to the city of angels where he discovers that a past victim/creation has become "the Hollywood Slasher," (aka Nico) a serial bloodsucker deliciously portrayed by Natasha Gregson Wagner (a dead ringer for her Mums, the exquisite Natalie Wood).
The DVD includes a commentary track by Elfman and Van Dien that, besides revelling in the joys of cigar smoking and ogling the beautiful starlets of the film, reveals how much fun the cast and crew must have had making this charmingly offensive, low budget offering.
With a stellar cast (that included the director's son) and a wonderful score, I simply adored this film, called a 'funny horror movie'.
Modern Vampires is a very original, witty, fun, smart, and gory film.
Casper Van Dien is perfect as Dallas, and Natasha Gregson Wagner gives a touching performance as Nico, the vampire who knows nothing of her past and whom Dallas helps save from Count Dracula, who wants her dead.
Rod Steiger makes for a very entertaining Van Helsing, the head vampire hunter from Vienna who sticks out like a sore thumb in the Hollywood hills.I was particularly impressed by Craig Ferguson, who plays Richard.
What balls.So, with political correctness entirely out the window, Richard Elfman brings us BRILLIANT dark, satyrical, comedy, with Modern Vampires..
Modern Vampires is the latest film from director Richard Elfman, the man who brought us the brilliantly insane Forbidden Zone and the delightfully twisted Shrunken Heads.I had been anticipating the release of Modern Vampires, and when I finally saw it, it did not disappoint.
Rod Steiger gives a great performance as Dr. Van Helsing, especially when he interacts with Time Bomb and the other "brothers." Another great performance comes from Natasha Gregson Wagner as Nico.
Also, watch for a cameo by the director at the end of the movie.Overall I give it a 9 out of 10, and highly recommend it to anyone who likes cult or vampire movies, or is just looking for some late-night madness..
Compared to other vampire Box Office hits, I love the imagined, yet realistic nature of movies like "Interview" and "Bram Stoker's", where it's portrayal is so real you can't deny the existence of vampires; but for me, "Modern Vampires" hits the nerve of those of us who stayed out till midnight, all dressed up, to go see the "Rocky Horror" show at some dive theater; the way we all imagined ourselves as vampires, and acting with the decadent behavior we know vampires of today would display.
Modern Vampires is definitely a fun and entertaining flick, and leaves you wanting and wondering for the next, bizarre glimpse into the mind of Richard Elfman..
Richard Elfman has created the most audacious, darkly funny and original vampire movie ever.
The humor may be gross and (refreshingly) politically incorrect, but the film is also subtle, intelligent and highly nuanced, perhaps too nuanced for those that prefer Brittany Spears over Mozart - whose love theme from "Romeo and Juliet" was used sublimely over the tender (and bloody) vampire sex between Casper Van Dien and Natasha Wagner (whom both are great, by the way).
This film will shock some, will be too nuanced and sophisticated for others, but for the connoisseur of well crafted, bloody funny vampire movies, this is NOT TO BE MISSED.
In this film, Director Richard Elfman brings us a Los Angeles that is home to an unseen group of Vampires who roam the night feeding on anyone they wish, and having a wild time doing it.
Filled with lots of intentional humor, this movie does not shy away from giving viewers some very bloody "feeding" scenes, and enough sex and nudity for 2 movies!!!!!!!!Natasha Gregson Wagner is terrific as a very sexy young vampire who is being hunted down by the rest of the group for preying on the humans and then leaving the bodies behind to be discovered by the police.
Casper Van Dien is the sexy male vampire who turned her 20 years ago and now returns to find that he is in love with her.
Rod Steiger is Doctor Van Helsing, who is still hunting the vampires, now with the help of a group of inner city gang members.If you are looking for a serious horror film, STAY AWAY!
This year, he brings us Modern Vampyres (AKA Revenant), a spin on the vampire genre, that's both smart and offensive in all the right ways.You see, Elfman's films poke fun at us in the same kind of way that big brothers and big sisters' boyfriends slapped us around only to make us tougher when the school bully showed up with his butterfly knife.
The young and sexy Dallas, played by Casper Van Diem (Starship Troopers), heads the crew of chic blood suckers as they are chased around the City of Angels by a revenge-driven Dr. Frederick Van Helsing, played by a surprisingly raucous Rod Steiger.This movie employs all the B-movie horror and slimy monster-beings you would expect, while lacing it with some deep-cutting social satire that would make any card-carrying member of the ACLU cringe-in a good way.
No one is safe in Elfman's world.If you're up for some serious laughs when you think you shouldn't be laughing and a couple sexy scenes that will make you wonder where Natasha Wagner, who plays Nico, Dallas' ex-prostitute saucy squeeze, has been for the past 20-something years of your life, Modern Vampyres is your thang..
It was great to watch and a lot of fun for those that like vampire films.
The cast was perfect, especially Casper Van Dien and Natasha Wagner as the vampire love couple, and conservative, crusty Rod Stieger and his assistant, gang banger Gabriel Casseus as the "odd couple".
MODERN VAMPIRES is an (obviously) independent (obviously) low budget "off-beat" little thing that features Casper Van Dien.
Rod Steiger appears as Van Helsing in this version (who is somehow only about 60 years old at the end of the 20th century) and he has a huge grudge against Van Dien's character for making his son a vampire.
Now I understand the low rating and bad reviews on this film garbage.If you love Vampires and Comedy-Horror films then watch a film like "Love at First Bite", "Dracula, Dead and Loving It" or even "Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein" (Bela Lugosi plays Dracula in that one).
Well I'm not a big horror movie enthusiast but for my money if I'm going to watch one, I'd like to laugh because they want me to laugh not because they are trying to hard to be funny or worse to be serious.
I haven't seen the R-rated version, just the Director's Cut and you can definitely tell what was cut (blood flying all over when stake is driven into heart, head being sawed off, vampire vomiting blood and guts etc.)  The movie itself had some very cleaver one liners and outside of some occasional bad acting, it was very good acting all in all.
I've always been a big fan of vampire movies, but I only watched this because of Kim Cattrall.
Casper Van Dien and Natasha Gregson Wagner make the screens greatest vampire couple.
All actors I have enjoyed in prior work doing an absolutely miserable job here.The only redeeming aspect of this movie is Rod Steiger as Van Helsing.
What a chance, to be finally able to see this movie on dvd...Director Richard Elfman (Forbidden Zone, Shrunken Heads) has, once more proven us his talents, in this incredible vampire adventure, with ironism, humor, and a lot of fun.
Lest I be misunderstood, let me be clear about one thing right from the start: MODERN VAMPIRES is a great vampire film.I love B-movie horror films.
It was also a real treat to see Udo Kier ("Andy Warhol's DRACULA") once again taking up the veins, er, reigns as an eccentric vampire.One aspect of the film that, unfortunately, seems to be overlooked by most is the fact that, at heart, it is not really a horror movie at all but a love story.
Casper Van Dien plays Dallas, an exiled vampire returning to LA to discover that bad blood still exists between him and THE COUNT (Dracula).
Modern Vampires, on the other hand, is for bad movie tastes..
I loved all the characters, particularly Casper Van Dien, who plays a cool as can be vampire and Rod Steiger, who plays the veteran vampire hunter.
The acting is pretty good, including Casper van Dien (who is sexier than ever)and over the top but hilarious acting from Rod Steiger.It would be hard to compare this movie to others, but let me tell you this.....
Either way it's a dog of a film, shot on what looks like no budget and in the dark, and made as a TV movie too.
John Landis's INNOCENT BLOOD is a perfect example of the genre at its finest and this film doesn't even come close to the quality of that movie.Bizarrely, Rod Steiger makes an appearance as Van Helsing here, so you have to feel for him a little.
I only did it because I love Horror and I always go to watch these movies but sometimes I would prefer that distributors showed films like that only in Video.And this week "The Forsaken" has also arrived.
I love the horror genre, vampire movies in particular, and I even enjoy well-made spoofs of them.