THE NINE SATANIC STATEMENTS 1. Satan represents indulgence, instead of abstinence! 2. Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams! 3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit! 4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates! 5. Satan represents vengeance, instead of turning the other cheek!  6. Satan represents responsibility for the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires! 7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better more often worse than those that walk on all fours, who, because of his "divine and intellectual development" has become the most vicious animal of them all! 8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification! 9. Satan has been the best friend that the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all of these years!