But when an outside problem erupts, these spouses will find their resources undermined by unresolved difficulties. A tendency to blame others rather than taking responsibility, for instance, may be tolerable when times are smooth, but it may destroy a relationship under stress. A crisis can be used for positive ends. A couple can use the experience to learn how to work together, to build up credit in trust and reliance, to develop appreciation of each other's strengths, to realize sincerely how much they need each other, to have the experience of providing support and helping. One thing that helps is just to acknowledge the existence of the stress and that one is in the midst of a stress response.
Stress brings chaos and disorganization.
When spouses keep this in mind, they can accept that their strong feelings and dramatic reactions are normal responses. They don't have to be so afraid of losing control. Under the circumstances, it is the natural way to feel. It is also important to recognize that stress is relative, not objective.