It's a way we move, a way we talk, a way we present ourselves, that assumes that men's needs deserve priority. In the dance of an intimate relationship, the woman, like Ginger Rogers, moves backward and in heels. I''m not saying that women don't exert influence or that men alwayshave their way. I am saying that we act as if that's the way it's supposed to be. Women do speak up, but they apologize far more often than men do for taking up time or expressing strong opinions.
Women do get their own way, but they feel obligated to attend to men's feelings in the prc-ess.
I'm also not saying that men somehow conspire to oppress women. We all agree to do this dance together, and changing the steps disturbs all of us. Women do have power in relationships, and it's up to us to decide to use it openly and responsibly. In order to do that, we have to see the many ways that we all act as if we are maintaining a comfortable imbalance of power. Patriarchy as a legal system is being slowly but steadily dismantled in this country.