He didn t speak of it again for 26 years. He and his wife raised their children, built their careers and lived a satisfying life together. Then, at age 65, Field came out. But he didn t leave his wife. He is one of an untold number of out, but still-married, gay men in this country.
Therapists typically take the position that it is a mistake for a gay man to stay married.
In his cover story, Living Contradiction, Bob Dupwe challenges therapists not to make assumptions about what is best for married gays. Every individual and every marriage is unique, and each person has to figure out what s best for himself and his family. Dupwe also describes how it feels to be an outcast in the gay community accused of being a fence-sitter and worse and reminds us of the great loss and pain married gay men experience even when they feel good about their decision to remain married. The gay community is guilty of dismissing them as mistakes gay men sometimes make on the road to embracing their true identity. In Married to a Stranger, Gabrielle Della-Bescat describes the trauma of finding out her husband is gay, and the multilayered issues of infidelity, sexual identity and homophobia in the community that has left her, like so many wives, with deep emotional wounds.