Pay attention to these problems as soon as they occur and get to the root of the problem. In chapter 6 we discussed the stages of divorce and the loneliness and pain of losing a relationship. In chapters 8 and 9 we realized how the social-emotional dependency and the oppression involved in sex roles and chauvinism can cause special problems for married women. There is more we need to know about communicating specifically with our spouse. Destructive communication in marriage Communication is, of course, important in marriage.
Some communication is helpful, some is destructive.
The most useful knowledge is knowing how to avoid the unhappy, harmful interactions. Seeing how happy and unhappy couples communicate differently might help. Gottman says our stereotype of a happy marriage is a couple who like each other, understand each other well, and settle disputes easily. Apparently happy couples have developed various ways of handling the inevitable conflicts, unhappy couples haven't. Both the attacks, usually by women, and the defensive refusal to deal with the issues, usually by men, are big parts of the problem.