But, there are some mistakes I spotted as well. You spell Jerred's name wrong near the beginning by typing 'Jerrad' instead of 'Jerred'. It's in the fifth paragraph. Rather, he is more of a stranger to the girl. The mush filled her brain.
Sentence structure is the culprit here.
I'm really not actually too sure on this one, so you may want to check it out in an Grammar book. However, this is an excellent story. Content-wise, there is strong emotion behind each and every word. In the mean time, good beginning. It was good and to the point, and with elaboration, I think it'll be great, just like the rest of your stuff.