Buy a large piece of blue paper. The shade should be vast and deep and remind you of nothing. Roll it carefully and carry it home on the bus cradled in your arm. Try not to pretend it is your child. Don't cry, but if you must don't stop.
Tears are only water and salt.
You felt this way once before when you first moved from fluid into air. It is no one's fault you are more than halfway there. Surely you know that and are grateful to have come so far. Just keep going.