I love the pattern of the two verbs and then the effect. It says the right thing only it's not as powerful as the other lines. After reading my poem over again I saw that you were completely right. Yes, I think the change is an improvement. But it is a close call.
Writing is about trying new things and going back to the old ways sometimes.
One of my favourites this term. So I think that you should maybe go back and explain your poem a little bit more before the surprise ending. I didn't make myself win, Jessica, because in competitions you don't always win. Competitions are full of surprises. That's one reason why I had the surprise ending.