Now, to practical matters. I said that I need help in my search. That's what the Ask a Philosopher page is for. I learn from every question. In the struggle find something adequate to say in response, new things emerge which one wasn't aware of before.
Words come out expressing ideas one never knew one had.
The simple act of writing becomes a kind of alchemy, a kind of magic. It might work for you too. I am always on the look out for new Pathways students. For that, you will need more time. An average of, say, eight hours a week over thirty or more weeks is a lot of hours.