If the reader has to work to follow your train of thought, the reader will give up early in the pitch. Simplicity is your key to success. Also, in originally crafting the offer, pretend that you are speaking to one specific person, not a general audience. Specifics outpull generalities exponentially. The more specific the detail, the greater response.
Specifics are interesting and believable, wherease generalities help generate disbelief.
Don't forget it. Emphasize the positive. Positive wording is response-oriented wording. Re-craft your negative wording into positive wording for greater effectiveness. Show your copy to at least five people who know nothing about the product you're selling.