There's no discussion of tone. This would be very different if Kelley Jones drew it than if Mike Wieringo did. So much information, so little focus. Read, read, read. If you don't understand a word or a phrase, don't use it.
Works are a writer's tools.
You wouldn't want an artist to draw with a blunt pencil or a blobby brush, so sharpen up your brain as you go. Go back and recreate the voice for each character, one at a time. Tear up that legend and rebuild it to fit your needs. All the pieces you have here CAN work together, but you have to make them do it. Work on making the scene and character description richer, including some of the mood in as specific an image as you can create with your mind's eye and computer.