While some people called for laws that would make it harder for couples to divorce, others argued that the problem wasn't divorce itself, but unhappy, unstable marriages. Spouses, kids and society won't see the benefits unless those marriages are fixed, not just forced to remain intact, that side argued. Around the country, researchers came to realize that if you watch couples closely, you can predict with about 90 percent accuracy which ones will split and which survive. The difference is the way they handle those differences. Happy couples have realistic expectations and can talk without tearing each other apart, according to the experts.
Unhappy ones use the silent treatment, criticize bitterly and view each other with contempt.
If one spouse rolls the eyes while the other is talking, that marriage is on its deathbed, says one researcher who videotaped hundreds of couples. Last year Sollee, a marriage therapist, pulled together the first Smart Marriages national conference, for people working on ways to turn destructive conflict into healthy communication. One of the key goals is fighting the popular notion that if a couple are unhappy, love has died and it's time to find someone else. Sollee writes in the coalition's Web site. Teaching the marriage skills missing from so many homes, and creating a support system for couples trying to work on their marriage.