She should have stayed with me because she loved me, only me, not because I'd crack up when she left. Not that I won't crack up, but if I'm going to, well, I'll do it with my head held high. I won't be pitied. So, yes, it's fucked up to let someone else be your happiness, as she was mine. It leaves you pretty vulnerable if that person runs off.
Suicide has a bad rap.
My mother has contemplated suicide many times, and she's a reational woman. Void is better than misery. This is good, solid thinking, but before I inadvertantly case dozens of net.suicides, let me point out the big IF in that statement. IF you can't be happy in this world. When you're unhappy, it seems like it will last forever.