Yet, if you are to help children handle their own feelings, it is very important that you give these parents the respect due them just because they are human beings and are struggling with problems that are part of the human condition. They may be failing, they may be failing miserably. But even their failed efforts are usually part of a bumbled up effort to achieve some degree of peace and happiness. In work with troubled families we see constant evidence of very poor care given children. There is, however, no evidence that anyone ever had children and deliberately intended to make them unhappy.
Some people are so preoccupied with their own problems that they are unable to be good parents.
If we can help our foster children understand and work out their problems, we may break the cycle. Then we help not only them, but future generations. None of this implies that you should be a martyr. It is not necessary for you to take on the biological parents and their problems. If direct contact causes too much stress for you, it is sometimes better if visiting takes place away from your home.