These must be consistently present for an extended period of time, for healthy, secure attachment to take place. It is through these elements, that a child learns how to love, and how to accept love. Older adopted children need time to make adjustments to their new surroundings. They need to become familiar with their care givers, friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers, and others with whom they will have repeated contact. They need to learn the ins and outs of their new household's routines, and adapt to living in a new physical environment.
Some children have cultural or language hurdles to over- come.
Until most of these tasks have been accomplished, they may not be able to relax enough to allow the work of attachment to begin. In the meantime, behavioral problems related to insecurity and lack of attachment, as well as to other events in the child's past may start to surface. He can seem to be very selfish and control- ing. On the inside, this child is filled with anxiety. He has not developed the self esteem that comes with feeling a valued, contri- buting, member of a family.