I won't be pitied. So, yes, it's fucked up to let someone else be your happiness, as she was mine. It leaves you pretty vulnerable if that person runs off. Suicide has a bad rap. My mother has contemplated suicide many times, and she's a reational woman.
Void is better than misery.
This is good, solid thinking, but before I inadvertantly case dozens of net.suicides, let me point out the big IF in that statement. IF you can't be happy in this world. When you're unhappy, it seems like it will last forever. I'd never loved anyone who loved me back until I met her, when I was 20. And, when things were bad between me and her, when I wasn't sure if I loved her, I assumed it'd never change.