But more importantly, if the affairee wins the unfaithful trophy the arrangement pattern will probably re-emerge in the new relationship, since it expresses a chronic communication problem. Pittman claims that the only affairs that work for the marriage are those marital arrangements that enable people to survive badly flawed marriages that no one wants to fix. And even when the purpose of the affair is to increase distance within the marriage, those affairs that work involve a minimum of secrecy and confusion. People who want distance in their marriage seem frightened of dealing openly and honestly with issues of infidelity. They fear such openness will bring about the marital closeness they are using the affair to avoid.
Some people finally try negotiating closeness and distance, and discover that it can be done.
Afterward, they may or may not feel a need to go on with the affair, but at least they aren't confusing or torturing anyone with it. Finally, communication and honesty are what this book is about. The advice comes in ten steps fleshed out by about a page apiece of explanation and example. But the gist of each step carries the author's message clearly. Marry sane people who like you, who have nonsexual friends of your gender, and who are friends with their own parents.