But, all too often, when a couple is experiencing trouble and seeks help, everyone looks at resolving conflict. Therapists are trained to ask 'what's the problem,' not what's good. Friendship is overlooked, although it is equally important to men and women. Seventy percent of the passion, romance and sex for men stems from friendship and the percentage is even higher for women. He adds that couples in happy marriages tend to have less conflict because they do a better job of repairing the damage from a fight or disagreement.
Some people are effective in making repairs and others are clumsy or ineffective.
But that's not important, says Gottman. It's really a matter of whether they had enough emotional savings in the bank that makes repair attempts work, and that comes from the quality of the friendship between the couple. That's my term for the imaginary place in your head where you store all of the relevant information about your partner's life - their dreams, aspirations, worries and fears. Love maps are about knowing your partner and being known. One of the most important things in marriage is being and staying interested in your partner and keeping your partner interested in you.