Take time to be alone and develop your bond independent of the children and parenting roles in the family. Resolving difficult parenting issues through honest sharing and understanding will build intimacy. Just remember to be patient with the desire for change. As the adult your responsibility must encompass an understanding that you will be expected to be concerned and involved in caring for these children and ensuring their sense of security in traveling through this transition. And very often natural parents share fantasies of the perfect family union, pressuring spouses to love children they do not even really know yet, or expecting a stepparent to discipline a child before an appropriate affection has grown between the two.
Relationships take time.
Realistic expectations between stepparents and children must include a gradual period of getting to know one another. There is no such thing as instant intimacy. Respect one another and take the time to become acquainted. On the average, two to three years is the time period for developing these bonds and stabilizing the new family. The first being the biological parents' marriage, the second being a separate or single family unit and the third being the new relationship which involves a stepparent.