Subconsciously, it is quite possible that because of your lack of self- love you are pushing your husband and children into rejecting you. The past is meant to stay in the past. However, to achieve this we often have to get in touch with that past pain and fully grieve in order put it to rest. This however is a very difficult thing to do even with competent help in the form of a good mental health therapist. The financial cost of this can be difficult.
Most cities however have community services that run on a sliding scale.
You might want to investigate the possibility. If not there are several good books on the subject. In terms of medication whenever anyone is feeling depressed for as long as you have and are feeling suicidal then medication is probably required. Appropriate anti-depressant medication simply allows your own body to increase its neurotransmitters, which are the brains' chemicals, that allow your feelings and thoughts to run smoothly and regularly. All medication has at least a few side effects.