Word order should be respected whenever possible. When sentence length is a result of stylistic choices, it must be respected. When punctuation is a result of stylistic choices, it must be respected. Lexical register is to be strictly respected, except when idiom or collocation overrules it. Parts of speech may be changed when required.
Style overrules literal translation whenever necessary.
When translating dialogue, find voices for the characters. In dialogue, the character's voice determines the translation. Above all, find the author's voice, and stick to it. The voice takes precedence over everything else whenever necessary. Any comments you might have on this translation would be greatly appreciated.