Most importantly don't expect perfection. Some things are not worth fighting over. If the messy room is driving you nuts take a deep breath and close the door. It is more important to get through these years with as much tranquility as possible and as little damage to your child's self-esteem. Communication is the fourth area of stress.
Parents become easily frustrated with their inability to connect in a conversation with their child.
They may react to their child with anger or lectures, further diminishing communication. Take some time to gain perspective. Your kids are really not shutting you out intentionally. They often have so much going on in their brains that it is almost impossible for them to find the words to express what they think or feel. Be patient and keep trying.