I literally sat there and shook over it for a while. Computers he hated, though I later found out that was a posture that he hadn't expressed before. I was good at them, thus he had to dislike them. You see how these calculations go. Well, in order to live with them, I sabotaged myself.
People do that, often without realizing.
I just didn't know how to end the sabotage. I'd been planning on getting another car, not for a reason that made sense to me, but suddenly I understood the logic. I needed to cut the tie between the old life and the new in order to really feel like I wasn't just marking time but was actually living. A nice one, with leather seats even. I'd been to three dealerships that day and finally one of them made me a deal I could live with, one I was actually enthused about.