National Heritage Queen Mother to be reupholstered. All museums to be open 24 hours, with free admission. And dancing girls. Sport Overpaid football players who act like ponces by falling over and crying any time an opposing player comes anywhere near them unwittingly spark violence amongst fans by robbing them of the outlet for bloodlust that they so desperately need. All cars are to have a large metal spike installed in the centre of the steering wheel to encourage safe driving.
Train tickets are simply ridiculous of late.
We propose that all such rail tickets be fitted with wheels and a pedal mechanism, so they are not only easier to cart around, but can also be used as an alternative mode of transport when the trains aren't running. A Walking Licence will be compulsory for pedestrians wishing to enter high-traffic areas between the hours of 9am and 6pm. A penalty points system will be in place for offences such as stopping or turning without warning, wandering aimlessly, or slowly edging passing traffic into a wall or obstacle. Special licences will be required for those who wish to strut, saunter or jive. Staggering licences will be issued sparingly over a 6-month trial period.