Upon opening this package, I made a remarkable discovery. The Great Gorgon of Stocking Runs and Female Insanity, through means wholly unknown to my primitive mind, had developed a new form of stockings whose defining characteristic is that they are capable of getting a run at the slightest human touch. Imagine my delight. The first line of business is to explain what stockings are.
Stockings are a piece of ladies apparel that serve no conceivable purpose.
They do not keep you warm in the winter. They do not protect you from snake bites. They do not remind you that it's time to take your medication. First of all, you better cut that out or your eyes will freeze that way. Patience is a virtue, you know.