I understand, of course, that many large social forces and institutions, from trash TV to the legal profession, are conspiring to weaken and privatize marriage. I also understand why many couples might aspire to confect, rather than inherit, the meaning of their marriage. But I do not understand why the clergy, the custodians of our marriage tradition, so willingly relinquish their authority and, in effect, collaborate in their own marginalization. Much of the content of contemporary weddings, of which vows are only one aspect, stems from a massive transfer of authority generally, from the community to the individual, and specifically, from the pastor to the couple. By accepting and even embracing these ideas, many pastors become little more than entertainers, bit players, in the weddings they conduct and in the marriages they launch.
Many couples choose a church for their wedding primarily on the basis of architecture.
Consequently, despite the sincere hopes and the intensive planning, what is most important about the wedding is increasingly overshadowed. Here are four proposals. First, individual pastors, and ultimately denominational leaders, should reclaim the historic responsibility inhering in communities of faith to promulgate and maintain the integrity of the marriage vows exchanged in their churches. Central to this reclamation would be the revival of the vow of marital permanence. Second, pastors should agree to marry couples in their churches only when at least one member of the couple is also a member of the church.