How do you focus on the positive without ignoring the negative. It's actually not that hard to do. I've worked with over 1,000 court cases in this age group in the last five years. The power of a consequence is only optimal when there's a lot of energy to successes and none to negativity. Once a parent understands that it''s so easy to fall in the trap of feeding the negativity and they take a stand to refuse to do that, it's really not that hard.
Some parents get to be masters at it very quickly.
You mentioned that a child can be intense for many reasons, including neurological, emotional and biochemical. While the child's playing the game, the world makes total sense. The incentives are clear and the limits are clear. All the evidence of success, the bells and whistles and the scoring, happens when things are both going right and not going wrong. If they break a rule, they simply get a consequence without the big deal or the energy.