Football is really the only sport that inspires this kind of junk-food bingeing, and I'm not prepared to quit that Sunday ritual cold turkey. Plus, there really aren't too many alternatives to the Super Bowl. Let's face it, golf and a keg really don't go together. Inviting all your friends over to watch the lumberjack competition on ESPN2 isn't going to go over too well. And I can't imagine a bunch of rowdy guys head-butting each other after Tara Lipinski sticks a triple lutz.
Nothing is more embarrassingly American than the Super Bowl Halftime Spectacular.
The organizers of this yearly tragedy manage to drag out pathetic has-beens who can't give away enough concert tickets to fill a bathroom stall. Then the choreographer has them dancing on top of spinning pianos and lip-syncing a medley of songs whose copyrights have expired. Add some pretty girls wearing what look to be Hula Hoops on their heads and punctuate with fireworks and you've just seen every halftime show since the beginning of man. Not only are these shows more painful than the actual game, they last twice as long. A normal halftime is 30 minutes long, which provides just enough time to get the scores from other games, walk the dog around the block, return to the house, refill the chips and salsa and resume the game.