The military rejected you due to sofa disease. You were never cut out for war. Battling with desire hurts, especially, when you say no to a pleasure that is moments away. As seconds tick by, you can feel your resolve eroding. The harder you fight, the more you suffer.
Previous defeats make the battle even more painful.
Emotions escalate, needs are not being met and past pain stirs up other neglected needs. You are moments away from blowing it. Your emotions are clanging like a pinball machine. This is the place where you win the battle. Accept the intensity of your feelings.