Runs it once a hour from cron. Reads source code of new release, takes only what he likes. Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. Hacks kernel to implement file locking.
Rewrites sendmail in assembly.
Hacks kernel to . . . Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to inter-office mail, thus solving problem. I've got my boots and backpack.