With all this trauma you have endured, the despondency you feel is so normal and expected, Hurting. Never apologize, never explain. You don't have to. I went through what you are going through, too. I couldn't clean my house, make my bed, cook, do laundry, balance my checkbook, understand or comprehend anything I read or listened to, my concentration was shot and I cried constantly.
Nothing seems real, though.
It feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from. But, you will. Hurting, if you want your marriage. Fight the good fight and stay strong. You will get through this.