Parents control how they respond to their kid's behavior. Parents repeatedly fall into these roles and have one set way to deal with the child. Likewise, the child learns skills to maneuver around the parent. The parents are left perplexed why they aren't heard nor obeyed. Look for trends in manipulative behavior.
Old behaviors are easy to fall into.
You feel that rising pressure inside of you dying to choke the crap out of him. Step back and think of what he wants. Look at what he wants out of the situation. You are not effective when you are spending all your time putting out fires and reacting to your child. You must think ahead.