Right, our perceptions of time since we died differ drastically. So it could be said that time, or what we came to know as time while we were alive, is no longer operating within the given chronological parameters we have come to expect. Okay, I'm prepared to believe that. On the whole. So, let me see if I've got this straight.
Realisation sets in.
I feel your situation is beyond recovery. Waiting for God, who never comes. Samuel Beckett would love us. No, I'm serious. I. The pointless pair, 'Ad Infanitum', or in your case 'Ad Nauseum'.