Runs it once a hour from cron. Reads source code of new release, takes only what he likes. Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. Hacks kernel to implement file locking.
Rewrites sendmail in assembly.
Hacks kernel to . . . Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem. I've got my boots and backpack.