The elderly man laughs and puts out his cigar. It all seems so simple. In our programs at the institute, we find that two kinds of errors are typically made. We don't really feel we have a right to interfere with the pleasures and activities of others, our manner is diffident, we are easily turned aside. We attempt to get our way too vigorously, our manner is often seen as rude or abrupt.
People resent our requests, which they see as demands, become annoyed and refuse to cooperate.
First, let's look at the non-verbal communication, an important aspect of assertive behavior. The other person may well hold himself or herself erect, make direct eye contact, speak loudly, refuse the request. Anxious, bad about himself both because he asked and because he was refused. Perhaps angry later, both at himself and at the other person. His back stiffens, his eyes harden and fix on the unfortunate smoker, his voice is loud and demanding.