If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. Your resume is on a disk in your pocket. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.