Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss.
Nothing gets rid of feelings the way throwing up does.
The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life. We will say we don't want your help. When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up our ourselves. We will push you away.