This dysfunctional cycle has its roots in early childhood. Borderlines lose their love for the parent of the opposite sex when the idealization of that parent breaks down. As a child, the BP experiences the opposite sex parent as being narcissistic, cruel and abusive. The child's love turns to hate and distrust. The opposite sex parent falls from the idealized pedestal and crumbles in the BP's eyes and heart.
Mother is experienced as the one who abandons and is inaccessible as a real person.
For the BP, this is experienced as a catastrophic loss and, as a consequence, may ultimately result in a serious depression. The Borderline feels eternally alone and abandoned. Intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger are experienced when they are faced with separation or even an unavoidable change of plans. Consequently, when the impaired self is activated due to family frustrations, stress, etc., the BP will lose and withdraw feelings of love for a significant other. If there has been a death or some other loss, the BP looks to replace the lost nurturance and sustenance.