Adulthood requires the balance between autonomous independence and nurturing and attached dependence. Our spiritual and moral development, which are expressions of each other, require the same losses and gains. We mature spiritually as we learn to act ethically. Attitude, belief and behavior must be coherent in order for there to be a healthy and ethical interaction from one person to another. In the pain of separation and its attendant anxieties, we lash out at others, especially our parents, because of the shame and humiliation we have experienced in what we perceive as their abandonment and rejection of us because we behaved badly.
Parental disapproval is a necessary response to the child s inability for self-regulation.
It teaches the child how to establish boundaries and behaviors, which will manage emotional intensity that is generated by the oscillations of the inner conflicts of attachment. The most important thing a child needs to know is that regardless of the disapproval, the attachment remains in force providing safety, affirmation and love. Parashat Va-Et h annan, by its very title, establishes this principle of the undestroyable attachment between God and the people Israel. The text of the parashah is replete with examples of how we may re-establish our relationship with the Holy One after a moment of separation. The word va-et h annan itself is the reflexive conjugation form of the verb to receive grace.