The husband criticized his wife from one end to the other, and then she did the same. As far as I could see, they were both pretty accurate. It was difficult for me to see the love in this type of warring couple. A fantasy bond creates an illusion of closeness at the expense of real closeness. Intense anxiety and rage are aroused in both partners when their pretense or illusion of love is challenged.
People claim love and closeness is their primary goal, yet so many couples become estranged.
We bring our childhood defenses into our adult relationships. These defenses keep us from being vulnerable, the key quality needed for the development of intimacy. The very defenses that we form early in life in an attempt to cope with emotional pain make us dysfunctional to varying degrees in our adult personal relationships. As a result, most people can only tolerate affection, love and respect in fantasy. They react adversely when they are acknowledged and loved in reality, because being loved threatens defenses formed early in life, when the child faced emotional stress.