Part of my role in helping the parties prepare for mediation is to help the resistant partner face the painful truth that a marriage cannot be saved if one partner wants it to end. Once Rachel could admit that the marriage was over, she was ready to choose mediation rather than the adversarial process, so that she, too, would have some power to shape the arrangements for the future. Rachel and Stephen had no major conflicts over support or property. However, when we got to the issues of custody and parenting things got tough. This is not unusual.
Parents often confuse their personal desires with the best interests of the children.
I try to help them step back and look behind their positions and arguments to their underlying concerns. When disputants are able to make this shift they are usually on their way to resolving their conflict and they are learning the art of creative conflict resolution. Once each of them can uncover their deeper concerns and interests, the divorcing spouses can begin working together to create options and possible solutions that address the real needs of all family members. Stephen broke down in tears when he could finally admit that, even though he no longer wanted to be married to Rachel, it was terribly painful to think their marriage was really ending. Rachel could begin to express compassion for Stephen and reassure him that even though she sometimes felt punitive she wanted him to have a good relationship with their children.