Even if it is very clear that my struggles are the direct result of someone else's abusive behavior, it is when I begin to work on my resentments about that abuse and the way my character has been shaped by it that recovery begins. It is amazing to me how much pain I can be in and still believe that the problem is not my problem. Until I take full ownership of my pain, however, I cannot begin to work on it. I will simply wait for you to behave differently, nourish my resentments about how long it is taking you to change your behavior, and dig myself deeper and deeper into denial about my own role in the struggle. Recovery begins when the problem becomes my problem.
Recovery takes time.
Changes which take time are not usually well received in this culture. Clearly, we want change and we want it right now. We like things that change in about the length of time between commercials on TV - preferably changes which resolve things happily for all concerned. In our spiritual lives, this same passion for quick change can be seen. We like to 'come forward', or pray a little prayer, or rededicate our lives, or read a book . .