Sometimes the mind disconnects from the body. This is called dissociation. Those are times when the body being hurt does not look or feel to be your own. It is hard to stop. If searching for self-punishment or pain, ice cubes held until completely melted sometimes greatly relieves these urges.
Professional care is advised.
He hurt as much or more than I did, yet he stayed by my side all the way. Many divorces arise from such trauma. He was always caring, but expected me to try harder each day. A great partner to my other treatments. I often feel suicidal, but I never feel like just hurting myself.