In the meantime, try to be her friend and her parent. It is wrong of you to allocate blame and to fight guilt feelings. We all do the best we can, always. Sometimes is just is not good enough. But when it is not, it does not mean that we should carry it as the proverbial albatross around our necks forever.
Humans are machines so complicated that they no longer are mere machines.
We all are groping in the dark. We are trying to understand. We often change our theories and views. Forgive yourself because you did the best you could, I am sure and so did your husband, so forgive him too. It is often that we blame failing relationships and other problems on others.