Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You don't sweat, you percolate. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You've worn the finish off you coffee table. You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.