Profound guilt and shame often plague survivors. Many survivors are forced to do things that violate their values and beliefs about the sanctity of life, such as stab, rape, or torture other people or give false information that results in suffering for another. I sometimes wonder if this shame isn't one of the most difficult consequences of torture for a survivor to endure. Even after lengthy therapy, one survivor had to regurgitate in order to admit what he had been forced to do to others. I am worse than filth.
Many survivors actually feel toxic, as if their mere presence is somehow poisonous to others.
This is reinforced by the horror and revulsion they see in others' faces when they dare to allude to their torture experience. Torture is a deeply isolating experience. Many survivors report going through long periods of time where they do not want to live. Survivors of torture often suffer from cognitive impairment, including loss of memory, problems concentrating, and even difficulty staying present in the moment while others are talking. This latter symptom, known as dissociation, is the body's natural defense against unbearable experiences.