Motive shapes memory. Memory shapes perception. And even if you did, out of some old habit, there is no way you could take it that seriously again. In the final analysis, this is about love. If you don't try to manipulate or shape it any particular way, you will discover awareness is love.
Love is the beginning, the middle, and the end.
Love is every step of the way. Love is the source, the motivator, and the goal. If you stop blocking it, if you carefully investigate without the slightest trace of cynicism or defense, you will discover love is what you already are. It is what you have always been. You don't need to suffer anymore.