It is hard to remember that it wasn't always this way. If you can recall what worked well in the past, you can use it now. The idea is that instead of just analyzing a problem, the therapist helps you examine what is going on when the problem is not occurring. This way you can get a clear picture of your interactions and relationships when they go well and can learn from your successes. It is useful to look back at your problem solving and negotiating successes in this respect, even if they were few and far between.
Past successes are resources.
The more you are aware of the skills you possess, the more you can consciously and intentionally tap into them. An Exercise 1. Take a moment to think back in your marriage and recall three instances in which you successfully resolved an issue with your spouse or former spouse. Remember how you each handled yourselves and what you each did or said. Write down what characterized those situations and their successes.