We were unable to establish a positive value for sex appeal in either our vampire or our control group. Despite providing both with decent clothes and the former with make-up suggestions there was simply not much with which to work. We believe this is more a commentary on the sedentary American lifestyle, a pathetic education system and bad breeding. Given the subjectivity of our evaluation of the would-be vampires' appearances, we decided to also evaluate the presence of various superpowers that are usually associated with this particular breed of undead. Each of the subjects was compared against the positive and negative controls for his or her ability to make use of a given power.
Real vampires are notorious for their superhuman dexterity and strength.
Our cases and controls were put through a rigorous series of cardiovascular and strength tests and the cases consistently, if not significantly, were outperformed by the controls. Similar findings were evident when the cases and controls were timed in their completion of an obstacle course designed to test agility. We believe the cases' poor performance stems from the comparative inactive lifestyle associated with live action role-playing. None of the individuals in either group exhibited the ability to change shape at will. Furthermore, although the conversation of individuals in both groups was tedious enough to lull the most dedicated researcher into a dreamlike trance, neither exhibited an ability that could be labeled mind control.