At the time, it seemed to me to be as natural as sunrise and as inevitable as pain. But in hindsight, it was devoid of emotional expression and abusive to the extreme. I was not sexually abused - but I was physically, verbally and psychologically tormented for 16 years without one minute of respite. Thus, I grew up to be a narcissist, a paranoid and a schizoid. At least that's what I wanted to believe.
Narcissists have alloplastic defences - they tend to blame others for their troubles.
In this case, psychological theory itself was on my side. I was absolved, an unmitigated relief. I want to tell you how much I am afraid of pain. To me, it is a pebble in Indra's Net - lift it and the whole net revives. My pains do not come isolated - they live in families of anguish, in tribes of hurt, whole races of agony.