Murray Bowen, one of the pioneers of family system theory, called the need for members to be together yet separate self-differentiation. Self-differentiation allows parents and children to maintain their own sense of self separate from the identity of the family as a whole. Balancing love and limits can be used to create self-differentiation. If love and limits are not balanced than the forces of separateness and togetherness becomes instable. If togetherness outweighs the force of separateness then members can become jealous, emotionally over-involved, feel a lack of privacy, punish all negative feelings, have a low sense of self, feel rejected for being different, gossip about one another, and feel overly anxious.
Parents can use love and limits to negotiate the forces of togetherness and separateness.
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