Four years ago, I accidentally joined the G.O.P., and since that time mash notes from Republicans have clogged my mailbox. During the '96 campaign, I supported Pat Buchanan in the primaries, and when Republican pollsters called my house, I gave the hardest of hard-right answers. Ban abortions and throw women and their doctors in jail. Lock up homosexuals. Sextuple defense spending.
Life sentences with no chance of parole for, well, everything.
Like sensible people everywhere, I voted for Clinton in the general election. Unable to choose between Bauer, Keyes, Quayle, Smith, and Buchanan, I decided to support the first candidate who sent me a letter asking for money. Well, in the mail last week I received a personalized letter from millionaire publisher Steve Forbes. I sent a check for two dollars. Write the goddamn millionaire a check, and the goddamn millionaire will invite you to a party where you'll have the opportunity to write the goddamn millionaire another goddamn check.