Armed with this proof that sometimes words do speak louder than actions, I sat down to dinner with Deborah in New York recently to explore how communication effects conflict within today's families. Since Tannen studies the influence of speech on behavior, I asked her about the language of family fighting. Tannen believes they do, noting that within Western culture, we approach everything as a battle or war. Ours is a nation of fighters, not listeners, unable to resolve a disagreement, determined to win. Apply this culture of confrontation, which glamorizes fighting and makes it look fun, to family relationships, and Tannen finds an emotional pressure cooker.
Family represents a safe haven and a sense of belonging.
It's a place where you can be yourself and be loved for who you are. Meaning well doesn't always end well. Men's friendships are created by doing things together. Women create bonds by sharing secrets and talking about the most personal aspects of their lives. Once engaged, they want to win.