Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.