An example of this relates to the number of parents I know who dealt with alienated children in a loving manner, even children whose performances were very much in conflict with parental values. No matter how much the parents disapproved of the behavior, they kept in touch, continued to express a desire for reconciliation, and expressed their love rather than severing the relationship in anger. Such temperate behavior fostered hope for the future, as clearly love under these circumstances did not depend on performance. Today, many close, wonderful relationships continue between these parents and their previously alienated children, when it could have been otherwise, and was for many others. The problem of conditional love is even more apparent in marriages.
Love is related to the performance of the other person.
Each seeks to achieve his or her goals with little emphasis on common goals. These are harsh statements, but they are sufficiently true to account for the high divorce rate. The concentration should be on the joy of doing things, even simple things which anybody can do, for the person you love. It is particularly impressive when the act is one which the other person could easily have done for himself or herself. Rather than looking upon such events as sacrifices, they are investments in a happy relationship, not a loss of identity.