While states no longer mandate separation as part of the divorce process, marriage counselors say couples often choose to separate as a last-ditch effort to change their relationship, and possibly themselves. But a separation can give couples time to calm down, renegotiate the rules of the relationship and gain some needed distance. For a separation to work, it needs to be well defined. Couples facing separation do best if they can come together to establish some basic ground rules first. Couples should agree not to see lawyers during their separation.
Lawyers have a way of moving marriage toward divorce.
They should not pursue each other at all, either to fight or reconcile, but should agree in advance on what kind of contact they will have. Separated couples can agree to speak on the phone for a prearranged period, for instance, or meet once a week. Some therapists advise their clients to agree not to talk to each other about their relationship during these encounters and to use the time apart to reflect on their own lives and see what they can change about themselves. If there are children involved, Ahrons says, both parties need to agree on all visitation . Parents should also be aware that repeated separations and reconciliations are difficult and confusing for children.