In some respects your H sounds like he has the same sense of humor as mine. It's their coping mechanism, I think. Your spouse is supposed to avoid doing the thing that makes you unhappy or else you need to negotiate on it. But the culture issue is basically mute here in Hawaii, everyone is usually of two or twenty mixed races. Thanks for all of these replies and encouragement.
H does have a twisted sense of humor, thats for sure.
I think sometimes he tries to diffuse the painful issues by making light of them. Better than before, when he couldn't bring up the subject at all, cause it was too painful for him during withdrawal. The fact that he makes a wise crack about her now and then seems almost healthy. Regarding the vacation, he just says he would like to visit there someday, not like he insists on going now. I'm sure this will pass.