I'm not sure I ever was one. Mal2 was not, Malik was. I could never reconcile that with the ideal. I finally gave up on that one too. Actually I just gave up on idealism.
Idealism lives with rules.
Realism lives with rocks. I get along better with rocks. Mal2 once told me that pacifism was a dilemma. If everybody was a pacifist then everything would be perfect. But nobody is going to be a pacifist unless I am first.