They began joking and horsing around with Belinda the way they had done as kids. Her sister relaxed, too, when she had another sister to share the burdens of her parents old-old age. Belinda s parents felt she was their savior. It s hard not to love and appreciate someone who is helping with driving, insurance forms, bedpans, and back rubs. At one point in his six months of dying, Belinda s dad said, I m sorry about the cancer, but I am glad it brought you home.
Heroic behavior can lead to bitterness and burnout.
Sometimes the caregiver is not appreciated and, in fact, is the focus of the dying person s rage. My client Darin, for instance, handled his dad s estate for years, only to be left out of the will because his very demented dad thought Darin was stealing from him. My client Abby s loving care of her dying mother made her siblings jealous and angry. They never helped out but only second-guessed her, and after her mother s death she told me, I don t care if I never see my sisters and brothers again. During the last years of her parents lives Cheryl s husband felt she was over-involved with them and had no time for him or the children.