The following document is highly secretive and could be inflammatory if leaked to the public. No one will find it there. These are the new hazards of library work. These hazards cause library workers to experience high levels of stress which librarians of old never experienced.
Distressed librarians lock themselves in book drops.
Overworked clerks drive book trucks off cliffs. Pestered Pages attempt suicide by leaping off stacks of encyclopedias. Before such horrible incidents occur in your library, we urge you to defuse the high tension through proper use of patron-based humor. Modern, demanding, fast-food patrons are the greatest source of stress in the library. Never use a patron's real name.