After more than two decades of taking American marriage into the laboratory and placing it under the scrutiny of everything but a microscope, one of the country's leading marital experts believes there are concrete steps that couples can take to make their marriages work. Friendship with your spouse is the foundation of a happy marriage, said John Gottman, UW psychology professor and author of the newly released book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . The book is based on nearly 25 years of scientific research into what makes marriages blossom or shrivel. But, all too often, when a couple is experiencing trouble and seeks help, everyone looks at resolving conflict. Therapists are trained to ask 'what's the problem,' not what's good.
Friendship is overlooked, although it is equally important to men and women.
Seventy percent of the passion, romance and sex for men stems from friendship and the percentage is even higher for women. He adds that couples in happy marriages tend to have less conflict because they do a better job of repairing the damage from a fight or disagreement. Some people are effective in making repairs and others are clumsy or ineffective. But that's not important, Gottman said. It's really a matter of whether they had enough emotional savings in the bank that makes repair attempts work, and that comes from the quality of the friendship between the couple.