But it's unrealistic to say that friendship outranks everything else all the time. Loyalty to that community is equally important. As a result, it's not unusual, Hunt points out, for an allegiance to a friend and to a broader group to conflict. As an African-American who understands structured inequality in our society, I can understand how Rene could feel an obligation to give to a community that's been disenfranchised and excluded from the centers of society for years. For other people, however, there's no question that friendship always comes first.
Hunt suggests finding a happy medium whenever possible.
For example, I would have discussed my views on affirmative action, talked about American history and made clear why I felt it necessary to take the position I did. When you share your internal struggle with your friend, you may find that he or she comes to understand the dilemma and actually support what you're doing. Just as Rene needs to be up-front about her conflict of interests, M.E. needs to speak up about feeling betrayed. A true friendship makes this kind of serious discussion possible. If you can't talk openly about such subjects, I'd question how strong the relationship really is.