Could stand at Girard and Prospect and hand out coupons to local designer shops and tanning salons from a large Coach bag, wave at the tour buses and give colorful, slightly garbled directions as a by-product of sipping lunch from a canteen filled at the Whaling Bar. The goodwill ambassador from the U.S. Marine helicopter squadrons arrives in a Humvee and parks wherever he wants. Wears camouflage gear, a .45 on his hip, hobnailed boots and a helmet with dark visor so you can t see his eyes. Shows an educational video of squadrons of choppers in action and, as the noise swells and the kids dive under the tables, is trained to keep repeating That s the sound of freedom in clipped military fashion with a southern drawl while trying not to laugh hysterically. Doubles as a recruiting officer at continuation schools.
Doesn t walk.
Hands out little grilled Spamlet cubes on toothpicks, Spam ice cream samples in tiny cones and recipes for new taste treats such as Spam Jell-O and Spam sorbet. Has been seen dating Broccoli Woman. Small pump inside the jacket keeps the arms, cheeks and rear end inflated to disproportionate size. Smells like a bar at 7 a.m. Wears steel-toed Air Nikes and arrives on a Harley.