Don't believe what politicians say. If you're a thrifty bigot join the Republican party. If you enjoy boozing it up all night and sleeping all day, be a closet Democrat. If at first you don't get laid, close your eyes and try again. Never laugh at anyone's screams.
Horror films are funny.
Life is not. I'm running for Congress next term. Please stop laughing or I'll scream. Drain your heart of all its blood so that it eventually becomes as gray as Ted Kennedy's hair. Make your dick do the deep dive, and remember the further deep you plunge, the less oxygen you have.