If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant.
Life is one big competition.
If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall.