I'm not as into it as I was, and I don't really feel I ever got any answers to the questions about the feelings that arose for me that first year in therapy, but my therapist is still the most important person in my life. I've come to see him as the candle flame or the breath, that is, as used in meditation. One lets the mind wander but in meditation, one always returns to the breath, or to the flame, or the mantra, whatever the focus is. I know I can withstand the horrible terrible pain of having intense feelings and not being able to communicate them, that I can find a way to express them somehow, that he'll be there, for every appt. The holidays are usually hard.
Every year gets a little easier.
I'm not afraid that he'll die suddenly and that I'll never see him again as much any more. I can hang in there until the holidays are over. I don't have to rend my clothing in some methaphorical way. But I will be glad when January rolls around and schedules get back to normal. USA The most important person in my life is my wife.