I would agree here, mostly. Who you want to be is based on your inner values. I find it's freeing not to get caught up in the charge to change hills. If you haven't the luxury to do this for yourself and with your partners perhaps it is just as well to stand back and see what happens by letting that person do what seems right for themselves. If you don't love someone for who they are, which includes what choices they make, then you have a different definition of love than I do.
Love requires acceptance of someone as they are, with their limitations and faults.
You must have it out with your doubts, anxieties, and your own needs. It is a trial, I lived with people that did some real nit-wit stuff. Still loved them. I like that a lot. But my real fulfillment derives from neither being a hero nor victim in all the scenarios.