Page 8 Dream sequence is quite important here. Page 9 Opening sentence must clearly establish context and location. Jump from . Cut towards the sky. Consider cutting Tears welled up in her eyes.
Ending seems too quick, unresolved.
I like the title now. Footsteps is now understood. I can tell that you have seriously tried to simplify this revision, and the deadwood is no longer everywhere in the paper. I felt nauseous at the sight of the dying bees. I felt the weight on my brother's shoulders.