I am alone a great deal of the time now, somewhat by choice as I get worn out quickly by the activities and energies of others. But I have been profoundly lonely at times, and leaned on a select few people too much, to shield me from facing that loneliness. I have formed unrealistic expectations that my online friends would be like a button I could push for companionship, fixing me when I am scared or alone. Self centered, self seeking me. I know that there is much to be gained from finding a more quiet, accepting relationship with myself.
Life is sweet, though often painful.
I love Narcotics Anonymous for giving me tools and a chance for that - for showing me that way to a more spiritual life, and giving me steps to live by. I know that in the last few months, I have at times been erratic, proud, vain, arrogant, angry, demanding, usury, and evasive with my friends, family and associates. This disorder can serve, like so many other things, as a source for my betterment or my downfall. I can't use it as an excuse for lapsing into the defects of character that have always been sources of misery and unmanageabitily in my life. I have a responsibility for my recovery, no matter what.