Sir Reginald Fluffy-Mittens Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time. For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
Humans are unable to speak a proper language.
Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Human mating behaviour is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behaviour. A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box.