If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant.
Life is one big competition.
If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning.