If all else fails, ban athletics. Teach your dog to make sympathetic noises, so you can go do something else. Make sure someone takes pictures at the board's annual retreat. Your children want to know what you look like. And maybe escargot, too.
Kids love that kind of stuff.
And it's cheap, too. Those chairs in the boardroom might be fine for everyone else, but you deserve better. Demand a throne. Resolve not to show embarrassment this year when sex education is on the agenda. File lawsuits against parents who give you the creeps.