Dad, however, was frequently away for weeks at a time, making bonding tenuous and uncertain. A child's thinking is egocentric. Sure enough, before long I started blaming myself for my father's long absences and the resulting ache they left in my heart. And I worked hard. Off and on Father would reappear only to disappear again.
Fathers serve as a prototype in a child's mind of what to expect from all men.
Finally I became exhausted with my efforts to become better and better behaved. In my heart I knew I'd done my best to please Dad, and still Dad hadn't come home to stay. And until he came home, I knew his absence was somehow my fault. So the race began to discover what it was that made me different, inferior to other boys. Dad never mentioned anything negative about my being tall and lanky.