These people are often hard to spot in therapy - even when they are dragged into treatment by a spouse or partner. They are likeable and present themselves well. They will also offer plausible explanations to counter their spouse's seemingly irrational complaints against them. Appearances aside, the verbally abusive individual is broken internally. The identity they present to the world, and often to themselves, is a facade.
Abusers tend to have little or no clue that they have a problem.
Although they may admit to occasionally losing their cool or getting loud, they are very, very good at defending their misbehavior and adept at pointing out how they were provoked to behave in an angry way. Unable to contain herself, Dana exploded into a loud defense of how her self-esteem depended on coifed hair and manicured nails. On the surface, Dana appeared to be the errant, spendthrift wife. In this case, Dana's defense appears frivolous and disrespectful of Bob. Bob's emotional and verbal abuse becomes lost in the process and is somehow excused or forgiven.