Realistic expectations between stepparents and children must include a gradual period of getting to know one another. There is no such thing as instant intimacy. This kind of idealization is often the result of unresolved past loss and a set up for failure and disappointment. Respect one another and take the time to become acquainted. On the average, two to three years is the time period for developing these bonds and stabilizing the new family.
Losses can be mourned By the time of a second marriage, it is often a child's third family unit.
The first being the biological parents' marriage, the second being a separate or single family unit and the third being the new relationship which involves a stepparent. Children need parental permission and understanding to grieve these losses, before embracing the new family system. Failure to accept mourning as a natural feeling may result in angry outbursts and potential alienation. One way to build relationships at this transitional time, is to allow stepparent-child relationships to be initially more distant. Eventually, if given the space to express themselves and resolve past loss, children do show genuine interest or liking for this new person who has been brought into their home.