Authorities who searched the Beckart home this weekend say that, despite Ms. Beckart's claims that she has the episode on videotape for a later viewing, no such tape has turned up, not even during the live televised strip-searches of Beckart and her family. The Crimetime department immediately examined the Nielson records from the night in question and found that, in fact, one person in America was not paying attention to the much-hyped finale. CBS Corporate was informed of the situation, and shortly thereafter the network assembled its own legal team and a board of advertising representatives. CBS, however, has statistics that indicate otherwise. There has to be some consequences for that.
American consumers demand it.
He will be duly rewarded for his efforts. Sonja Beckart declined to comment to division two , but investigators working on the case say that for everything Beckart isn't saying, her garbage is speaking volumes. Network authorities reported finding a used condom in the garbage bin behind the Beckart house, indicating that members of the Beckart family may have been having sexual intercourse instead of watching the television event of the century. Additionally, a mysterious, slightly charred bra was also recovered from Beckart's trash, leading many to speculate that it may have been used in some sort of pagan ceremony. Rumors are also circulating that a bottle of ear wax dissolver was recovered late yesterday, giving further weight to the claim that Ms. Beckart may be some kind of rare pervert.