The world would be a much better place if everyone just knew how human bodes worked physically. It is fairly obvious to both parties when the other doesn't know what's going on. Yes, this is as kinky as it sounds. Everyone needs to have a style or way they feel most comfortable in these situations. No one should have to feel nervous or uncomfortable, or you both are missing the whole point.
Comfort is the key idea here.
You need to have a prerogative or style that allows you to be who you want to be as a lover. If you like the lights on, so be it. It all comes down to personal preference and desires. If you are in desperate need of a style I can only point you in a direction. Listen to the man.