I swear, the probability for limb-rending injury in this place is higher than Dr. Kitzmiller on Saturday night. But on the bright side, they were good stories. Turn off hazard warning lights to save energy. Conserve paper by writing on walls or floors. Instead of contacting security when zombies attack, just push the filing cabinet against the door until they go away.
Cockroaches make efficient letter carriers when rewarded with a savory treat.
I'm compiling a new emergency manual as we speak, since our mutant silverfish population has all but polished off the old one. I also received over six hundred letters after my first column. But after filtering out the pyramid schemes and e-hug forwards, I was left with three. Bolt, Cutter So ummmmm Cutter. Uh, what uhh, do you actually DO at planethalflife.