In fact, one sure-fire way to tell the TRUE dominant from someone who's just getting his or her rocks off at your expense is that person's willingness to work with you to make the relationship as mutually rewarding and joyful as possible. The following statement on domestic abuse was issued a couple of years ago by the National Leather Association. I'm republishing it here to help you decide for yourself if your SM relationship is in trouble. Please read it carefully. As soon as they have agreed on a final form, I will get a copy of the newly organized statement on this site.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time.
It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of therelationship, there can be no consent. No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. If you stay, help is still available.