I don,t particularly buy the notion of anticipatory grief, because it seems to me that we always grieve something in the present, some current experience, rather than something that,s ahead. I think that when we grieve for something or someone that isn,t yet actually gone, we,re feeling the loss of hope that that person or thing will continue to be a part of our lives - it,s not the future that makes us so incredibly sad and angry, it,s feeling robbed of the expectation that we,ll have them in our lives indefinitely. And that,s very much in the present. It,s much too easy to say that the most important thing is not to deny our feelings. Sometimes that,s exactly what we have to do to survive.
Denial can be a very important coping tool.
That,s one reason communal gatherings like memorials provoke such mixed feelings - we need to be able to deal with our losses on our own timetables, in our own ways, and trying to force the issue often does more harm than good. I can,t say exactly what it is that eventually helps me turn the corner. There is some comfort in knowing I,m not alone in the experience, and having work or other interests also helps remind me that my own life is continuing, regardless of how it may feel. Maddeningly, the old saw about time healing all wounds is probably the most critical truth about mourning - it takes what it takes. Some losses never completely heal, but with enough time, usually, there comes a moment when I realize that a comment or event or thought that a week earlier would have provoked tears for a lost friend or an unbearable sensation of heaviness in my chest, instead results in a sad smile or even a genuine laugh.