Those who disagree promote a philosophy of harm reduction, believing not only that there is no cure but that lifelong abstinence is an impossibly ambitious goal for certain alcoholics. And, as you know if you've tried everything, your efforts to control someone else's drinking behavior are futile in the long run. Luckily, there is. In the world of addiction treatment, enabling means inadvertently helping to keep the drinking going. We do this by our efforts to rescue and control, so our love and concern itself is twisted to serve the disease.
Denial is only one of the alcoholic's defenses.
The way not to enable is to do nothing to change the alcoholic or help her escape the consequences of the excessive drinking. Take good care of yourself. Living well, sometimes called the best revenge, is also the best treatment for excessive preoccupation with someone else's drinking. In your desire to help the alcoholic, you have probably been neglecting yourself and your needs until it's hard to say what gives you pleasure or what you as an individual want out of life. You'll be helping both the alcoholic and yourself by getting, or getting back, a life.