The victim is often depressed, anxious, emotional, irrational, or otherwise falling-apart. The abuser is often depressed, anxious, emotional, irrational, or otherwise falling-apart. None, one, or both may abuse alcohol or other substances. The abuser often presents well and has people's sympathy. The victim usually does not present well and has people's sympathy.
Abusers appear controlling.
Victims appear controlling. The abuser gets angrier if someone gets angry with him or her. The victim is outraged by the abuser's lies and will accuse the abuser of lying. The abuser will twist words, lie, and will accuse victim of lying. This list is intended to dispel myths and to point out how difficult it is to figure out who is who, especially from outside tightly shut doors.