Giving in to a child's demands or whims, or assuming the attitude that he ought to make decisions however he desires without setting boundaries or expectations, contributes to the development of insecurity within the child, inconsistency, or socially unacceptable or annoying behaviors. Giving choices , however, implies a democratic atmosphere in which all members of the family contribute to discussion and goal setting. Everyone knows the expectations and the logical consequences related to choices. Parents are the final authority in a democratic family, but as much as possible the individual children take charge of their lives and accept the consequences of their decisions. A democratic atmosphere fosters ownership, internalization of values, responsibility, cooperation, security, autonomy, initiative, and industry.
All children have four basic needs.
When one of the four needs is not met, the child displays misbehavior by seeking attention, power, or revenge or by displaying inadequacy. Learning how to recognize what motivates misbehavior is a key to turning things around in the life of the child. Guidelines for identifying needs from behavior and what to do about the findings will be explained in a future issue. A life-giving remedy for correcting or avoiding misbehavior is rooted in the identity formation elements of security, autonomy, initiative, and industry. These elements are foundational to self-esteem.