The history of life on earth, according to a Nabisco press release for the new crackers, can be summed up as billions of years of darkness, uncertainty and horror. And the satisfying crunch distracted them from the parade of tears that is life. Nabisco market research indicated that the typical member of this demographic is a hollow human shell, devoid of hope, ambition and any chance of improving his or her station in life. The new cracker, Innis asserted, further compensates for the consumer's vast, howling emptiness by giving him or her the option of adding toppings to the cracker's surface, such as aerosolized cheese or sausage bits. We're selling the salty, unctuous illusion of happiness.
Consumers are eager to sample the new crackers.
Perhaps when T.C. McCrispee's arrive at my neighborhood ShopKo supermarket, I will be able to confront the world with more than a deadened, glassy stare. Perhaps this new cracker can give me a reason to go on, a source of strength, if you will. TV ads for the new crackers begin airing later this week. T.C. McCrispee's will contain approximately 12 servings, Nabisco expects most consumers, gripped by unending hopelessness and despair, will eat the entire box in one sitting. No, this will not rescue you from the throbbing, meaningless void that is modern American life.