You have married your twin, your alter ego - orderly, driven, verbal, and empathic, appreciative of baseball, musical theater, domestic routine, and long walks in the fall woods. As a couple you bring to mind the problem of resonance in physics, where interacting systems of closely matched frequency give rise to wider oscillations and less self-correction than systems that are out of sync. You have been told, in therapy and by friends, that you have trouble tolerating intimacy. Your marriage is sustained by your arguing. Anger is the lowest form of emotion, the one that remains when the capacity to tolerate love or even anxiety and depression disappears.
Anger is a form of closeness.
But for you there is another element. But if security cannot be assured in other ways, you will always require further arguments and betrayals. Of course, these platitudes apply only in a minor degree. You are at the mild end of the spectrum of emotionally unconsummated marriages. I have seen a couple sustained by frequent knife-throwing, a more concrete method for modulating distance.