After a while you become unaware of the strain and continue to perform these duties without realizing that you are sad. Many people have to move at their own speed and that will vary greatly from one indivdual to another. Grief and mourning are very special things that need to be experienced and worked through by those involved . Many of the feeling that you are expressing are part of the mourning process. Sometimes wanting your own way is part of the back lash that many caregivers feel because they have given of themselves for so long that they want for them.
Caregivers have issues about feeling better after the person that they have cared for has died.
Many times feeling better is felt to be a betrayal of the person that died.