This is what happens when you disown some part of yourself - you are attracted to it because your psychological system wants to become whole. So you're drawn to it outside of yourself if you don't acknowledge it inside. But as soon as a stress occurs in this type of situation, as with Mary and John when John had a bad day, the attraction to the disowned self in the other person stops, as your defences come up, and your primary selves become dominant again. They then judge what is unlike them in your partner. This leads to what is called a negative bonding pattern .
Bonding patterns occur in all types of relationships.
A bonding pattern is like a blueprint for how we interact with others. They activate a parental self in one person and child self in the other. And this is what happened with Mary and John. When John came home from work after losing his case, he felt vulnerable. His whole identity as a successful lawyer had been threatened.