Rather than mediating differences between spouses about children privately within the boundary of the couple relationship. Much needs to be worked through in blending two different individual styles which is indeed more complex when one parent has a history with children and the new spouse may not have had any experience even raising children. You may feel disturbed by the sounds of children in the house, while your husband believes noise to be an inevitable aspect of family life with kids. However, to be included as a partner, the two of you must talk through these differences to an appropriate compromise. Only the natural parent can show the children that this new spouse stands by hisher side and establish a place of equality in the partnership.
Children benefit from the generational boundary that respects the joint leadership of two adults.
And they, too become more secure in the blended family. This does not mean that the stepparent should step in and parent in the form of disciplining and caretaking. In fact, it is best if this level of responsibility occur gradually, but the strength of the couples' bond must be recognized and respected, if such responsibilities or even the potential for a healthy relationship between stepparent and stepchild can develop. At this point in your marriage you are suffering the consequences of a lack of boundary around the couples' relationship from the day of your wedding. Your husband was likely confused rather than intending to hurt you in the past, but it is important that he understand the nature of your experience of exclusion in the family.