Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't give you a hickey. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.