I used to wash my hands every day. My mom made me. But then I learned about ethnic cleansing. Every time you wash your hands, you wipe out billions and billions of Bacteria. That's not fair.
Bacteria have rights, too.
So let's be grown-ups about this. When mom asks you to wash your hands, just say No. A grievous mixup has occurred. The real owner of Dr. Roberts's faux foot is eager to swap extremities with you. All proceeds are being used for the science programs of the Cambridge Public Schools.