I feel ambivalent about my father, but I cannot deny the genetic bond. Their story is an old, tired one. They were young, ashamed and worried that people would count months, so they put me up for adoption and told the world I had died. I came home from the reunion more confused than healed. I struggled with my grief and angry feelings.
Adoptees have two existences.
I see we are people who are never whole, never completely at home with ourselves. Ours is a fractured existence. Being an immigrant meant I had a good excuse to feel out of place. It can take a long time for adoptees to begin to feel. I know now that nothing is going to heal my abandonment issues and that I need to learn to relate to them in an adult manner.