I would be left totally confused and feeling down because I was just cruel to someone I said that I loved, but she would be seemingly happy that I had just lost my temper. Even when we weren't fighting, I was constantly trying to think of things to say to counter what she might say in an argument and that doesn't seem healthy. Help me please, Gary Dear Gary, I can't really tell what's going on here. It is clear to me that neither of you know what to do with your anger, or how to express it. You are just both behaving abusively.
Abuse is about control in a relationship where the balance of power is uneven.
The balance of power in this relationship seems pretty balanced from what you say. One of the best ways to figure out what's going on in terms of abuse, or anything else really, is to ask both parties to stop acting out. I don't know enough to comment. But, do yourself a favor and learn how to speak assertively and express yourself effectively. Take a look at some of these excellent titles.