I sincerely hope that you will find it in these pages. This is too personal. I presume too much. Let's start again. Forget all I've just said.
Curiosity is fine.
I'll settle for that. In my Wednesday evening philosophy classes for the Workers Educational Association I tell my students that they like detectives. There's the hard evidence, if you are looking for it. I am there to help them. To point out clues they might have missed, or to help unravel the convoluted and sometimes contradictory testimony amassed over two and a half thousand years.