Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold. Cucumbers don't count to 10. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy. You always know where a cucumber has been.
Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.