What's an example of a movie review?

Odious Chuck Norris decided to put one final nail in the coffin

containing his film career before going to the safe world of CBS

Saturday night carnage with this hysterically bad supernatural

actioner.

For such a dumb movie this thing sure is plotty. Norris is Chicago

cop Frank Shatter. First off, what kind of last name is "Shatter"?

Have you ever met any Shatters? Genforum.com has no listing for

the last name Shatter, which opens up any half clever viewer to

replace the "a" in Shatter with an "i." He and his partner, Calvin

Jackson, do the same old buddy cop routine you have seen

before: make funny with the pimps, and make their captain mad.

Jackson, looking like the theoretical love child of Whoopi Goldberg

and Rick James, quickly wears on the nerves with his constant

complaining and Eddie Murphy-patented facial expressions.

Shatter and Calvin become involved with an emissary of Satan,

whom we are introduced to in the too long opening scenes.

Prosatano is a demon who is locked in a crypt by King Richard the

Lionhearted. The demon's scepter, from which he gets his power,

is busted into nine pieces and hid in nine different parts of the

world by holy men. In 1951, some grave robbers accidentally let

Prosatano out and he begins collecting the nine pieces. He

disguises himself as an antiquities professor named Lockley and

always happens to be giving a lecture where a holy man is killed

and a piece of the scepter is taken.

Norris brings in his "Walker: Texas Blunder" cohort Sheree Wilson,

who plays Lockley's assistant. She helps Norris with his

investigation, they make goo goo eyes at each other, and our

intrepid investigators travel to Israel after a rabbi is killed in

Chicago. While in Israel, Calvin is given even more to complain

about: the heat, the lack of restaurant accomodations, the lousy

drivers, and the fact that he is missing the Chicago Bulls playoff

games. Norris even manages to work a cute Israeli kid into this

nightmare. Bezi steals Calvin's wallet, and hangs around the men,

leading them around Israel and not arousing any sort of

appropriate suspicion.

Eventually, Lockley (Prosatano) assembles all of the scepter

pieces, but needs the blood of royalty to complete the ceremony

and call up the devil. Where to find royal blood? Well, Sheree's

father is a duke! She has an American accent but she is the

screenwriters' convenient method of forcing this monstrosity

toward its inevitable conclusion. Sure, this minion of Satan may

have killed countless hundreds over the years, but how is he

gonna do against a good old fashioned American butt kickin'?

After Prosatano has been vanquished, killed by his own scepter (I

envied him, he did not have to watch Bezi steal Calvin's wallet

again), we are treated to an awful coda involving a bearded man

who has been watching Shutter, I mean Shatter, and Calvin on

their quest. You see, it was foretold...somewhere...that two

warriors from the west would defeat Prosatano. The silent

bearded man who watched over the couple was none other than

Jesus...I kid you not. He is listed as "Prophet" in the end credits,

but you and even your pets will recognize the subtle Christian

reference the film makers are trying to exhibit here.

Like in "I Use a Walker: Texas Ranger," Norris is aging and cannot

get into his fight scenes too much anymore. He kicks a lot, and

people fly over furniture in slow motion, and then Norris gives all of

his line readings in that monotone voice of his. Oh, what a real

director might be able to fashion out of him! His brother, Aaron,

who has directed him in other films as well, has no sense of story

or momentum. Scenes are thrown in for ego's sake, not to

entertain. The scenes when the dynamic duo first meet Bezi drag

on and on, and then Bezi is not all that important to the rest of the

film.

The film was shot on location in Israel, which means the

Americans could insult the Israelis in person. There is not one

likeable Israeli character here. The Israeli police captain is a jerk.

The cops' driver does not know English, and Calvin convinces him

that the word "sh*tty" is a compliment. Nothing funnier than

mocking those stupid foreigners on their home turf, especially

when all this racist humor is coming from an American minority

who would have been more than offended if the tables were turned

and the Israeli cop was mocking the African-American cop in

Chicago.

This film is badly written, badly acted, and badly directed. It does

not work as action, cop drama, or even horror. It just shows that

the now defunct Cannon Studios was willing to throw their money

into anything, no matter how badly it was planned. "Hellbound" is

surely a most adequate title. I disliked this movie intensely.

This is rated (R) for physical violence, gun violence, strong

profanity, some sexual references, and some adult situations.