After college I entered School of Radiography.  Almost a year into the program our class was told that we had to have Vaccinations. I was given an MMR, HEPATITIS B, AND INFLUENZAE ALL IN THE SAME DAY and so was the rest of the class. I woke up with a high fever and a terrible flu, which developed into burning in both legs from the knees down. This can be best described as acid under your skin. I saw an orthopedist for a year who x-rayed and nuclear scanned every bone in my body for a year and handed out Soma like candy to the point where I was having blackouts and I was not aware.  After not knowing what to do he referred me to another orthopedist there and in all of 3 minutes of touching my legs he knew it was not bone and it was systemic and neurological.  My symptoms kept getting worse and I ended up not being able to walk for years and I was given no physical therapy, almost died with a myelogram when I went into anaphylactic shock and these were student doctors and no neurologist was on call. I was told it was an anxiety attack. I was not the only one in my class who suddenly developed neurological problems. I was told that there was a 95% chance that I would never walk again and they thought I had Multiple Sclerosis.  Misdiagnosis #1.  I went for a second opinion and saw the Chief Resident Neurologist who explained that he thought this was caused by the vaccinations and wrote it in my chart. He asked not to be involved due to his position. It has been 13 years now and I have been diagnosed with A Viral Myelopathy, Fibromyalgia, and Anemia.  I have had 10 ambulatory surgeries with a Chronic Pain Anesthesiologist and take 546 medications a month to be functional. My gallbladder was removed in Jan 02, and the doctor said he had never seen someone so young take so much medication. When I searched for help being disabled by vaccinations was not a popular thing. I won Disability $403.00 a month by a trial with a judge and a doctor on their side. I completely depleted any savings that I had and at that time I had a tidy sum as I worked and went to school in the pursuit of making a life for myself.  Life had not prepared me for this or most people.  They felt there was no known diagnosis for what I had but it was exactly like Gillian Bar Syndrome, only sensory not motor problems. I recently received information about a Vaccine Adverse Effect Fund set up by Merc Pharmaceuticals precisely for this. It turned out that between 1990-2000, they started multi-packaging the serums and used a preservative called THIMEROSAL, THE SECOND MOST TOXIC ELEMENT ON EARTH. This information came to me strangely enough.  It was addressed to me but not meant for me. This opened some doors for me in terms of feeling that I wasn't crazy. In the medical field if they cannot diagnose you they chalk it up to your psychosomatic.  Opening this can of worms was very difficult for me as is writing this.  I don't know how I made it to this point. Family and friends can all act surprisingly different then what you would expect.  My family could not understand and went into instant denial.  I was left alone in my bedroom for over a year and my friend would periodically drop off toilet paper, towels and some food. I had to crawl to the bathroom to brush my teeth and my legs would feel like they were being torn apart. To shower I had to sit on the side of the tub.  I cried for years and wanted to die.  I spoke to my family about killing myself at the time. In addition, I didn't realize that when they did get around to giving me medication I was being turned into a drug-addict, the medications were completely depressing me and I was not even aware of the psychotic effect they were having.  I was completely high on Narcotics, which eased the physical pain, but I did not realize that it was numbing the emotional as well. I woke up night at midnight to banging on my door. It was my sister and some relatives. Completely clueless why they were there, I was informed that I had called at least 15 times in the middle of the night crying and saying I couldn't take the pain anymore and I was saying goodbye.  I thought they were nuts as I had no clue what they were talking about and I thought they were liars. I was so angry I hit my sister, which made me realize later that something was wrong with me. In addition, I started noticing bruises on my body that I couldn't account for.  My sister told me on the night she stayed over that I repeatedly fell out of bed and she tried lifting me back up, with difficulty. All the while I had no idea what she was talking about.  My sister called the doctors yet; bottles of 180 pills were dispensed per month to me. I recall I started having my first anxiety attacks, supposedly and suddenly I couldn't breathe no matter where I was. I was carrying a paper bag with me at all times and I stayed lying in bed waiting for the ceiling to close in on me. I remember telling my father there isn't enough air for me as he tried to get me to go outside. He told me that he was my father and he would protect me and carry me if he had to but he wouldn't let anything happen, but I couldn't bear it. I sounded crazy in retrospect. My parents were there a month every few months, as their business required them to travel. They convinced themselves I must have worked out too much and hurt myself or that I was a hypochondriac. Later, they realized that it could be serious, but they couldn't handle it. They came as emigrants and were self-made and were completely in denial and clueless on how to get me the little help that was out there. Eventually, I was calling my doctors telling them I could not come because I could not breath. They convinced my family I needed psychiatry immediately as I was developing panic attacks.  I remember the doctor said it was anxiety and a psychiatrist I went to see called her to see if I was checked for mitral valve prolapse, and she lied and said yes. Soon after she tested me and one little heart pill later all of this hell, and I mean hell disappeared.  You're never the same though; it took years for me to learn to trust myself and most of all, my body.  I used to have visions of it falling into pieces as I crawled or used a walker. I used to even feel that people I knew were whispering saying that's her, that's the sick one. Did they? I don't know, everyone reacts differently than you would expect. I don't think we are prepared for something like this and not having any answers, no lawyers to turn to made it that much harder. I recall feeling I was going to die if I didn't shut everyone and everything out. I had been in a relationship for 5 years and of course, we know that ended.  Thank god I was always very determined and strong-minded. I cried for years but managed to get a little better each year as I found new chronic pain doctors in later years. I felt that they can take my body but as long as I had my brain I would fight and fight I continue to do. I did not feel that I trusted my family to take care of me and I could not bare the thought of having someone lift me up and put me on a toilet.  It was humiliating. I had spent my life savings $40,000 on on medication and trying to find a private doctor to help. I felt there was nothing but desperation. My biggest fear, of course, was I would end up homeless like so many others I had seen. I always wondered how someone could get to that point.  Didn't they have parents? Couldn't someone have helped before it got to that point? I realize now that our society is completely clueless to these issues until it happens to them or someone they love. Somehow our government gets away with only giving you $215.00 a month to pay your rent. A roommate you cannot find. You can only reach HRA, SSI, or disability by phone; yet, phone is not an expense that is allotted for.  It is a luxury. How in the hell do you reach your doctors?   The courts are backed up for at least 2 years and disability usually turns you down at least 2-3 times, which I think is a stalling tactic to not pay out.  If you have a stroke, they are required to hold your file for a year, which means you have to live on $215. A month until they allow you to apply for SSI and disability.  Food stamps are 135. A month yet, how are you supposed to buy your food or the post office, I recall crying at both of these places for it was so painful to stand and try to wait?  DMV was the best. I had an old car, which I used to get to the doctors'. It was so difficult for me to get their pain wise, and when I explained by situation and showed my handicapped sticker, I was treated like an animal.  Supervisors told me to wait on line or come back another time. There on lunch, wait an hour etc. Tears did nothing. I would sit on the floor and wait as long as I could show them proof but to them I was a thorn on their side. Once though I recall on line for welfare were many who looked like drug addicts, physically challenged and even blind and they too waited for hours on line. This time though, as I spoke to the security guard they started protesting for them to let me inside to sit and wait and the line made a scene. I am grateful for those people, as they too probably understand the hardships that we face when challenged. I could not believe the inhumanity and cruelty of our fellow gov't agencies that are supposed to work for the people. They made my life a living hell, if it wasn't already. Some of those faces I will never forget. I rationalized that God was watching and what comes around goes around.  I don't write these things to elicit sorrow or sympathy; rather it is a WAKE UP CALL TO ALL HUMAN BEINGS.  This can and will happen to you, your loved ones or someone you know and we are completely ill prepared to deal with any of these life-altering situations. How do we let our society accept this? There are others out there who know the agony of what I am speaking of. The fear and terror of becoming homeless, because you're different. Yet, you did nothing wrong but it is as if you are being punished over and over as our society constantly reinforces they can't deal with you and we accept this. This is too big to close our eyes. I was recently at the disability hearing office to help a friend with a chemical imbalance. He was treated like dirt. The judge spoke to him like he was a common criminal and I felt a sigh of relief that it was not me going through this again.  Same process, same allocation of funds.  It is amazing that after 12 years they have not gone forward one bit.  Instead, the judges are all jaded and so are most of the authorities that are there to help us. I think a revamping of the system is necessary. If people are too jaded replace them. Those individuals that are there for help are going through their own private hells. Whether it be mental or physical, only once you have been chosen to live through this enormous challenge can you understand that the same world we live in is so completely different. Those who are disabled have become what I call "THE FORGOTTEN PEOPLE". No one cares or at least the system acts as if they don't. My god, how can you survive on $215.00 a month? I repeat this because it shocks me that anyone in his or her right mind would know this yet, this is what it is. No wonder you think about committing crime. It happens out of desperation and a will to survive. I can't tell you how many times I thought to myself about dealing drugs or prostituting myself to save my existence. Yet, something deep inside me would not let me stoop to this level. I kept fighting and I thank my good friends and family who each helped to keep me from losing it all.  If this can happen to someone young and vivacious, and remember I was not the only one and have found so many others now too, what happens when we are old? Seriously, put yourself in this situation, completely unexpected out of the blue, your functioning like your supposed to whether it be school, work, career and everything is ripped away in an instant and you are on your own. Once I received this letter about Thimerosal or adverse effects from vaccines I began to dig feverishly. I felt that weights were lifted off my shoulders. I was reading stories about symptoms of burning pain, which if you have never felt, pray that you never do. We all have some with pinched nerves and all of the injuries that occur throughout our lives. This burning was mentally debilitating. For years I felt I couldn't handle anything since it took everything from me. On the occasion that I get it now, I still get scared as I can never forget feeling like I had hot irons on my legs. Imagine not being able to wear socks or pants or more than a year and no medication was given to me. Every day was hell, and the fire like sensatation made it realer. It has been 12 years now and I continue with my ups and downs and physical pain.  I still take medication and I still incur the same things with disability and SSI as well as those other organizations I mentioned. Luckily, I found a very good doctor who after 8 ambulatory epidurals and revamping my medication has made me functional.  I have decided to give in to having a life on medication despite my Gallbladder being removed from it.  Life is hard enough and the race grows every day.  I've decided that it may be better to have more quality of life and a shorter life than just being alive with no life at all. For all those doctors who don't become jaded and continue to fight the fight, I thank you as this one has restored some of my faith. I just found out that I am pregnant after years of grieving that with all of the medications that I have taken, I would not be able to have a child.  Now, of course, they cannot find a heartbeat, and I am extremely high risk from all of my medications and I will find out this week if I have to terminate the pregnancy, which has been an emotional roller coaster, so far. I am now 8 and half months and so far so good. It's a girl and she is my miracle.  I pray that all continues well and this is why I am writing also. I face similar challenges though since Medicare does not treat for pregnancies and Medicaid does to a point. I go to a private clinic where I have to wait at least 4 hours with an appointment. Shockingly, I had to stop all of my medications, which I did, thank god and I did not have pain to the point that I can't function. It has been the first time in 12 years that I forget sometimes what it is like living with pain everyday.  As the months go by though I begin to have some again and I am taking medication again but hopefully the baby is safe.  Again we are saying it is ok for people who are disabled whether it is physical or mental, that we aren't going to have families of our own. Medicare doesn't even acknowledge that if you have a condition whether it is depression, epilepsy, diabetes, etc., we don't have the right to have children or to love or be loved.  Who in the hell made up these rules?  I am concerned that my child will be subjected to poverty, lack of good medical care etc since my life was altered. I can do my best but I will never be able to do what I could have. I've lost many years and much time.  We may be hurt but we are not criminals nor are we inhuman. We live, we laugh and we love. We just have to struggle harder at it and some help would be appreciated. This has affected so many babies. At least, the courts recognize them but adults are not. I have always thought which is worse, to alter a babies life who hasn't really tasted life yet or an adult who has struggled to make life and a place for himself or herself in this difficult world. There is no right answer I realized. Each has a life and it is being altered and left to fend for itself. The people have to take responsibility for allowing our government to function as such. We pay taxes to employ the government facilities that are inhuman.  If we were in school we have not contributed enough for disability to give us a reasonable amount just to have shelter and food. Oh yeah, clothing is not in the picture at all. Thinking about all of these issues is frightening to say the least, but if we don't take responsibility for ensuring our protection, can we expect anyone else to? Now it is 2003 and I work part-time teaching medical terminology classes and medical insurance and coding classes. I cannot stress the importance that everyone should have these. So many leave our lives to the medical profession and they are human and make mistakes. I cannot tell you how many don't know how to interpret a prescription, let alone understanding a diagnosis. I have been in the hospital having surgery where call buttons don't work, nurses won't clean your bed pan and the wrong foods are given repeatedly to those allergic. I have saved my sisters life many times and others in hospitals too. Somehow through the years I've humbled and learned to help others as those that have helped me have a place in my heart forever. Sometimes even a kind word made a difference in the days ahead. Eventually, I hope to write a book for all those to learn your basic medical terms so that they can protect themselves. I've even had the wrong medications dispensed to me, which landed me in the hospital. Now I've learned to trust myself and I teach others as well, so they can protect themselves. A Congressman has launched an investigation, recently with the NYS DEPT OF HEALTH AND NYS DEPT OF INSURANCE AND SUPERINTENDANT.  I have the letters.  I usually speak to the caseworker.  I recently spoke to the Dept of Health. I spoke to a Public Advocate who said that I had to call the Director to file a claim. I spoke to someone at the Department of health who asked that her name be kept confidential. She said I should have grand fathered in. That it was disgusting because funds were set up for this and there were millions of dollars just sitting there for this. SHE SAID THE LAW WAS DIFFERENT THEN IN THAT NOW IF YOU HAVE A VACCINE, YOU ARE GIVEN A SLIP OF PAPER WITH A TELEPHONE NUMBER TO REPORT ANY REACTION AND THE DOCTOR'S BY LAW HAVE TO REPORT IT TO THE CDC AND THE DEPT. OF HEALTH. OBVIOUSLY, THIS WAS NOT DONE THEN. This is starting to happen in other countries as well. A commercial just came out, but for children. I am not the only adult as you will see and I think this may take some initial work but it will open a gateway for what is right and for so many others. Ten years of bad vaccines. I was healthy and quote normal than. It appears that there are two separate lawsuits going on; THIMEROSAL AND VACCINE ADVERSE EFFECTS. I have contacted all of the news stations repeatedly and they could care less. I have faxed them and letters to so many for help and lawyers. No one is interested because of the statute. I had some hope through the congressman but I see now that I was being Naive. So I reach out to Glamour to hopefully publish this and touch the lives of so many by making people aware.  It is unbelievable how many people I run into who tell me now of someone they know who has been affected by this. My friend is a chiropractor and he called me for information because so many of his patient's children became autistic after vaccines. Yet, he tells me it is a conspiracy because everything is kept on the hush.  Even my girlfriend, a nurse practitioner and she has a masters degree. Her 3rd son has ADD. She asked her doctor about the shots and they said definitely no. How can they know when they never checked the lot number? I have heard so many stories about doctors telling patients it is unrelated only to find that they called in and reported it to the CDC without telling the patient.  I understand why they are protecting themselves. They were taught that this is a good thing and therefore they are the ones carrying out this horrible destiny. At present, I have asked the congressman if he would write a letter  on my behalf, as I feel the response would be quicker and I am waiting for a response. Almost a year has passed and I am told that the department of health is dragging there feet with responding. I even spoke to a lawyer who said his young son was autistic due to the same vaccines and he too was at somewhat of a loss.  Thus anyone who was misdiagnosed due to lack of knowledge at that time is on his or her own with no recourse. Who has the right to dictate after how many years it should count if you are crippled, and if the time frame is not right, it doesn't count? No amount of money can ever make this up but for god's sake, help us to live. How can they forget about all of these lives that have been affected and damaged forever. Disease is random and so are accidents yet, somehow this seems worse because someone else inflicted this on us. It has been nearly a year now since these so called authorities were contacted.  I am so disappointed. I received one letter on the mild side effects and the worst reaction to Thimerosal is a rash. I have never been able to reach her again via e-mail or phone. A recording is on and I never receive a call back. Case worker really doesn't have anything to say to me as he returns my calls later and later than in the beginning.  My heart and mind try to forget about pursuing all of this as it caused me a lot of emotional pain. My daughter arrived finally, Thank God, healthy and for her I go on. I am so scared of these injections for her as well as what if something happens to either of us. I will never be able to secure a future for her as I could have before. But for me, I have been blessed with her. Something I never thought possible in my life arrived as a gift from god and somehow that helps to make this experience more acceptable to me. I feel that maybe I was lucky and this is my reward for all of the mistakes and oversights that nearly broke me mentally and killed me physically. What I have lost can never be replaced but my daughter is something I will thank God everyday of my life for giving her to me.  I hope that she is meant to do great things. If she is anything like her mommy she will be a fighter and I see signs of this now to my pleasant surprise. I brought her for her first doctors' visit and I was fearful because it is Medicaid that she has. As the doctor gave her a blood test he screwed up causing him to stick her 6-7 times.  I used to draw blood myself so I know it can be difficult based on the size of the vein etc., but I kept my calm and surprisingly at the end of the visit he gave us back the money for the blood test part. I was impressed and surprised. Here was a humble doctor, so I let it go and tended to my daughter. Her little hand all green and bruised for days after. This again reinforced that mistakes will be made along her life and I have to be her keeper. This will in time lead me to write the patient handbook I spoke about earlier. I hope that my experiences are and will be used as a learning experience for everyone.  I hope hat God blesses each individual who is disabled with a gift that will make his or her hellish experience somehow seem worth it. But I worry, about those that do or did not make it.  I worry for the elderly and when all of our time comes too. We will all become vulnerable to the system that we ignore at this time. I only hope that my story will reach many and that if it can prevent one person from being hurt then I have achieved something. Those that have lost loved ones I am sorry for but those that have not can wake up now and we can all join in to protect ourselves. We protect ourselves from war this is a silent war that goes on every day. We do not want to be forgotten anymore. I only hope there are more like me who have a voice, a pen or a friend to inform.  WE ARE BROKE. MY DISABLED SISTER LIVES WITH US AND MY FATHER OF MY CHILD WHO IS WAITING FOR DISABILITY FOR 2 YEARS. WE WERE EVICTED FROM THE LAST PLACE AND WE GRABBED THIS PLACE QUICKLY AND CAN'T AFFORD IT. I AM AFRAID FOR MY DAUGHTER AND OURSELVES ENDING UP HOMELESS. JUST WROTE THEY ARE INTERESTED AND WILL CALL. PLEASE HELP