premise: In retrospect , it was n't sudden - it was a reaction that I had been suppressing for some time against the way men ran my faith , and men sat in power over me in the confessional and over intimate moments of my life when I felt I had to ask permission to seek fertility treatments and read harsh literature by the pope about being ' selfish ' for choosing such help . And it all came to a head at Mom 's deathbed , when I looked into her eyes and was n't sure what I saw , recognition or nothing . I know there were no angels that I could see , or departed family members she spoke to , and it made me doubt . It shook my foundations and made me doubt . And then the shoe dropped . How do I feel about religion after my mother died ?
hypothesis: I lost my faith in God .