And of course there s all that political extremism too I mean giving gifts to good little girls and boys That s socialism my friend and an arbitrary meritocracy to boot What right does Santa have judging some boys and girls as good or bad What sliding scale of ethics is he using living in an isolated and if you believe in Global Warming diminishingly frozen wasteland And the fellow is apparently hundreds if not thousands of years old his version of a good child is one who doesn t eat a handful of his master s oats whilst toiling in the fields for the feudal lord And the guy breaks into homes eats the owner s food and leaves gifts not for the homeowner whose home and hearth he s just violated but for minors who have no legal input in the governing of that homestead And that s his job Who s to say he doesn t help himself to some valuables while there Apparently he s old enough to outlive any statute of limitations on grand theft or burglary He encourages and oversees a monstrous breeding program that produces horribly inbred and mutated reindeer how else are you going to explain Rudolph Elfin Magic Puh leeze These shambling advertisements for a PETA campaign are then forced once a year to travel to billions of homes violating both international law the the laws of physics utilizing these mutants as beasts of burden to haul tonnes of contraband through the sky utilizing the most dubious laws of both physics and aerodynamics The suit may not be red from an ad campaign but rather from the all of the blood on his hands that over hundreds of years has permanently stained his clothing Not much in the way of one hour dry cleaning in the Great White North my friend And the elves slaving away in these sweatshops You never hear about their lives or their families or their working conditions now do you What do they wear Are they allowed to even wear clothing or are they employed like workers in a cocaine lab nude and face masked Has OSHA heard of this or inspected the workshop Has anyone ever been there Seriously there must have been some factory accidents and due to the apparent lack of any suitable trauma centers in Santaland deaths I suspect the captive elves are forced out of necessity to eat their fallen comrades for sustenance as well as some of the older or failed experiments from Santa s reindeer breeding program Before you disagree answer me this what crops are going to grow in the twilight frozen tundra of the North Pole That sleigh goes out once a year and it isn t stopping at a supermarket Santa just varies his diet of elf and reindeer with milk and cookies Yep Santa is a role model to be sure