c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me.
— Margaret Atwood, The Edible Woman
When I hear somebody talk about a horse or cow being stupid
—  I figure it's a sure sign that the animal has somehow outfoxed them
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
— Frank Zappa
When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.
— Hank Moody, God Hates Us All
Someone once told me that we move when it becomes less painful than staying where we are".
— Anne Hines, The Spiral Garden
Why is luge a sport? You dress up like a giant sperm and go sledding really fast. That’s hardly athletic. Phallic and sexy, yes. But hardly athletic.
— Jessica Park, Flat-Out Love
The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!
— Terry Moore
A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.
— George Bernard Shaw
All young people worry about things, it's a natural and inevitable part of growing up, and at the age of sixteen my greatest anxiety in life was that I'd never again achieve anything as good, or pure, or noble, or true, as my O-level results.
— David Nicholls, Starter for Ten
We all hold the keys to our own jail cells.
— Paul Levine, Solomon vs. Lord
I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck.
— Robert Clark
I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe waitress was a cow.I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.I'll take the chicken then."I heard a cluck--'twas just my luckThe busboy was a hen.I said, "Okay no, fowl today.I'll have the seafood dish."Then I saw through the kitchen doorThe cook--he was a fish.I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' hereWho's an onion or a beet?No? Your're sure? Okay then friends,A salad's what I'll eat."They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said,"The owner is a cabbage head.
— Shel Silverstein
It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life, some indication of how deep a hole you had managed to burrow for yourself
— Nick Hornby, About a Boy
We could get kinky and see how bats and rats make love, he suggested in a whisper, warm breath against her neck.You are a sick man, Jacques. Very, very sick.
— Christine Feehan, Dark Desire
Solomon's Laws 1. When the law doesn't work...work the law.
— Paul Levine, Solomon vs. Lord
Doctor doctor, what do you say, lets put the id back in yid
— Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.
— Derek Landy
Where's your sense of adventure?It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
I don't know very much but what I do know I know better than anybody, and I don't want to argue about it…My mind is not a bed to be made and re-made. 
— James Agate
I want a magical horse that fits in my pocket," Wil said. "And a ring of red amber that gives me power over demons. And an endless supply of cake.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear
Cal: “I’m not presuming. I know exactly what you think about me. You think I’m an anal-retentive Armrest Nazi . . . an arrogant Modelizer. You can’t stand the way I talk, any of the subjects I choose to talk about, the imperious manner I order food in restaurants or tell cab drivers how much we owe them. You find my taste in women odious, the fact that I don’t own a television an unforgivable sin, and the fact that I would choose to write a book about Saudi Arabia completely unfathomable. And you’re also totally in love with me. If you weren’t you wouldn’t have pushed me into the pool earlier today when you saw Grazi walk in.”Every Boy's Got One
— Meg Cabot
In his essay,Agastya had said that his real ambition was to be a domesticated male stray dog because they lived the best life.They were assured of food,and because they were stray they didn't have to guard a house or beg or shake paws or fetch trifles or be clean or anything similarly meaningless to earn their food.They were servile and sycophantic when hungry;once fed,and before sleep,they wagged their tails perfunctorily whenever their hosts passes,as an investment for future meals.A stray dog was free,he slept a lot,barked unexpectedly and only when he wanted to,and got a lot of sex.
— Upamanyu Chatterjee, English, August: An Indian Story
Greg starts a middle school and asks: Whyis "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And sayspeople need to shave twice a day.
— Jeff Kinney, Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through.
— P.G. Wodehouse, A Damsel in Distress
If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contr
— Rowena Cherry, Insufficient Mating Material
Eternal nothingness is okay if you are dressed for it.
— David Krumholtz
I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. It's the way I take them OFF that makes me better than you.
— Jessica Park, Flat-Out Love
Oh! And they read English novels! David! Did you ever look into an English novel? Well, do not trouble yourself. It is nothing but a lot of nonsense about girls with fanciful names getting married.
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Don't ask me who's influenced me. A lion is made up of all the lambs he's digested, and I've been reading all my life.
— Giorgos Seferis
What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?”“Oh no, Ron,” came Fred’s voice, very sarcastically. “No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.
— Kevin Hearne, Clan Rathskeller
Have I missed a national holiday? There must be celebrations in the streets for you to be home at this hour of the day.""I'm calling it Summerset Goes Mute Day. The city's gone mad with joy.
— J.D. Robb, Treachery in Death
I believe in myself like a five-year-old believes in himself. They say look at me, look at me! Then they do a flip in the backyard. It won't even be that amazing, but everyone will be clapping for them.
— Kanye West
I'm too old to know everything
— Oscar Wilde
Yes?" she asked, eyeing me guardedly.I struck out a hand and said "Shake."Arra stared at the hand, then into my unfocused eyes. "One good fight doesn't make you a warrior," she said."Shake!" I repeated angrily."And if I don't?" she asked."I'll get back up on the bars and fight you till you do," I growled.Arra studied me at length, then nodded and took my hand. "Power to you, Darren Shan," she said gruffly."Power," I repeated weakly, then fainted into her arms and knew no more till I came to in my hammock the next night.
— Darren Shan, Vampire Mountain
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
— Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
— Bill Maher
I'm sorry I'm so pathetic," he thought, and then realized he had also said it.Beth laughed, so lightly and so kindly that Denis felt it in his chest, not his stomach.Can I tell you a se
— Larry Doyle, I Love You, Beth Cooper
Homework, I Love YouHomework, I love you. I think that you’re great.It’s wonderful fun when you keep me up late.I think you’re the best when I’m totally stressed,preparing and cramming all night for a test. Homework, I love you. What more can I say?I love to do hundreds of problems each day.You boggle my mind and you make me go blind,but still I’m ecstatic that you were assigned.Homework, I love you. I tell you, it’s true.There’s nothing more fun or exciting to do.You’re never a chore, for it’s you I adore.I wish that our teacher would hand you out more.Homework, I love you. You thrill me inside.I’m filled with emotions. I’m fit to be tied.I cannot complain when you frazzle my brain.Of course, that’s because I’m completely insane.
— Kenn Nesbitt
Yes. We will live the rest of our lives in hell. It's not so bad: as long as you're prepared for it, you can live anywhere.
— Mizuki Nomura, Book Girl and the Suicidal Mime
Don’t kiss me,” she said warningly.“I don’t intend to,” he replied, smiling a little. “I don’t have my whip and chair with me.
— Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect
When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.
— Louise Rennison, Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging
War is a game that is played with a smile. If you can't smile, grin. If you can't grin, keep out of the way till you can.
— Winston S. Churchill
I just want to say, for the record, as far as Royal protectors go, you're not very good.""It's my first day," Royce replied dryly."And already I am trapped in a timeless prison. I shudder to think what might have happened if you had a whole week.
— Michael J. Sullivan, The Crown Conspiracy
Remember the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not take thyself to damn seriously.
— Roy Mcconnell
Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best. Genius must always have lapses proportionate to its triumphs.
— Max Beerbohm
Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it, exclaiming in tragic accents:'Oh Heavens! I am betrayed!' His lordship blenched; both he and Miss Laxton regarded her with guilty dismay. Miss Grantham buried her face in her handkerchief, and uttered one shattering word: 'Wretch!
— Georgette Heyer, Faro's Daughter
To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop.
— Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.
— Nick Hornby, Fever Pitch
Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?""Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.
— Terry Pratchett, Jingo
Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.
— Arthur Wellesley
Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!" squeaked Dobby angrily.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
— Dylan Moran
Susan hardly had begun to slow down when Tera appeared from between a couple of buildings and loped over to the car. I leaned forward, opened the door, and she got into the backseat. I threw her the extra clothes I had picked up, and she began to dress without comment.It worked," I said. "We did it."Of course it worked," Tera said. "Men are foolish. They will stare at anything female and naked.
— Jim Butcher, Fool Moon
Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and scratched his beard. 'Shouldn'ta lost me temper,' he said ruefully, 'but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face.
— Danny Wallace, Yes Man
He nodded toward the sub. "This is going to be a blow-off day."I dragged my mind away from magical intrigue. After being homeschooled for most of my life, some parts of the "normal" school world was a mystery. "What does that mean, exactly.""Usually teacher leave subs a lesson plan, telling them what to do. I saw Ms. Terwilliger left. It said, 'Distract them.
— Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.
— Leslie Moak Murray
Maxim 3: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?
— Bill Bailey
I really hope he shapes up, you know? He’s got a good head on his shoulders when he’s not trying to give himself alcohol poisoning.
— Hailey Abbott, Getting Lost with Boys
I sense a learning: that much dumber people than you end up in charge.
— D.B.C. Pierre, Vernon God Little
Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.
— Joss Whedon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Long Way Home, Part 3
There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.
— Karl Pilkington
Having been engaged rather a lot of times, Zsa Zsa Gabor was asked whether a lady should give back the ring. Her answer?"Of course dahlink, but first, you take out all the diamonds.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
Max looked around. "Where's your mutt?""Right here, asleep. He won't bite you again. I've talked to him about it, and he's really sorry
— Rachel Gibson
How can you say you're not in love with 
— Jet Mykles, Hell
I love you," I whispered hoarsely. "You're my favourite person." The tears blurred in my eyes again. "And if you ever tell anyone I cried during this moment I will withhold sex for a year.
— Samantha Young, Castle Hill
I don't like killing a girl," the Spaniard said."God does it all the time; if it doesn't bother Him, don't let it worry you.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.''No I wouldn't,' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'... Fletcher smiled back. 'I just want to borrow Stephanie for a moment.''Take our daughter,' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.''I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.''Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?' Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.' 'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.''So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.''They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.''You,' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side.""I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Seduction
Who or what inspires you?""I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.
— Eoin Colfer, The Artemis Fowl Files
An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.
— Christopher Hitchens, Hitch-22: A Memoir
If anyone else asked that question, O He Who Is Terrible and Great, I would have said they were an ignorant fool; in you it is a sign of the disarming simplicity which is the fount of all virtue.
— Jonathan Stroud, The Amulet of Samarkand
The universe is, instant by instant, recreated anew. There is in truth no past, only a memory of the past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.
— Terry Pratchett
I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”He raises an eyebrow.“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?
— Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality.
— Sarah Vowell, Assassination Vacation
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
I’d bet a month of dawn patrols those apprentices had something to do with it,” Birchfall meowed. “Why else would they disappear back to ShadowClan without their mother?”Dustpelt let out a snort of amusement. “I can just picture those three holding Blackstar down until he agreed.
— Erin Hunter, Long Shadows
She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?
— Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington
An Ass put on a Lion's skin and wentAbout the foreset with much merriment,Scaring the foolish beasts by brooks and rocks,Till at last he tried to scare the Fox. But Reynard, hearing from beneath the mane That Raucous voice so petulant and vain,Remarked. O' Ass, I too would run away,But that I know your old familiar bray'.That's just the way with asses, just the way.
— Aesop
He unlaced his arms and took a step forward. "You hurt?""Not badly." She tried to smile, but her lips only curved on one side. "My main problem is that I'm stuck to a cactus."(...)"How'd you manage to get tangled up with a cactus?" J.T. crouched beside her and started extricating her from the prickly plant."Well, believe it or not, I was on my way to apologize to you when a prairie-dog hole jumped up and grabbed my shoe heel.
— Karen Witemeyer, A Tailor-Made Bride
Rogue Squadron doesn’t run. Unless we really, really have to.""No, this will be Wraith Squadron’s mission.""We don’t mind running. Even when we don’t have to.
— Aaron Allston, Solo Command
Awake,chaos:we have napped.
— E.E. Cummings, Complete Poems, 1913-1962
On a Tuesday they were we, and by Friday they were dead and they buried them in the courtyard side by side, oh, my love, and they buried them dies by side" breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie, rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. "Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood-I mean Gideon- but I must go murder the cook. I shall be directly back.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess
He’s my cat! He’s not God’s cat! Let God have his own cat! Let God have all the damn old cats He wants, and kill them all! Church is mine!
— Stephen King, Pet Sematary
No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
[Lennie meets Joe - he works out that she was named after John Lennon]I nod. "Mom was a hippie." This is northern Northern California after all - the final frontier of freakerdom. Just in the eleventh grade we have a girl named Electricity, a guy named Magic Bus, and countless flowers: Tulip, Begonia, and Poppy - all parent-given-on-the-birth-certificate names. Tulip is a two-ton bruiser of a guy who would be the star of out football team if we were the kind of school that has optional morning meditation in the gym
— Jandy Nelson
Honestly, we don't kick or bite or throw potatoes at all our guests."A crooked smile touched Lord Bradford's lips."Your family has spirit," he said, taking his hat from Azalea. "I enjoyed the evening.""Well, yes, you've just come from a war," said Azalea.
— Heather Dixon, Entwined
You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I...''Don't?''Exactly,' he said happily.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Never trust a species that grins all the time. It’s up to something.
— Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.
— Jefferson Smith, Strange Places
Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again.
— Charles Stross, The Atrocity Archives
Mr. D," Grover asked timidly, "if you're not going to eat it, could I have your Diet Coke can?
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
I[John/Four] scratched Bernie Kosar's head. I don't think I could get used to calling him Hadley, but maybe I could get used to calling Six Maren Elizabeth. "I think you should take on a human name," I say. "If not Maren Elizabeth, then something else. I mean, at least for when we're in front of strangers." Everyone grows silent, and I reach behind me into the Chest for the velvet bag holding the Lorien's solar system. I set the six planets and the sun in my palm and watch them hover and glow to life. As the planets begin to orbit their sun, I find that I am able to dim their brightness with my mind. I intentionally lose myself in them, successfully forgetting just for a few moments that I might ba seeing Sarah soon. Six turns to look at the faint solar system that floats in front of my chest, and then she finally says. "I don't know; I still like the name Six. Maren Elizabeth was when I was a different person, and right now Six just feels right. It can be short for something if Someone asks." Sam looks over. "For what? Sixty?
— Pittacus Lore, The Power of Six
Even from far away, I could see people being chased by hellhounds, burned at the stake, forced to run naked through cactus patches or listen to opera music.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!
— C. JoyBell C.
Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows' necks.
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Angel's Game
What could she have done? She was a heroine, and with that came certain obligations.
— Emily C.A. Snyder, Nachtstürm Castle: A Gothic Austen Novel
I'm living so far beyond my means that we may almost be said to be living apart.
— Saki, The Unbearable Bassington
Am sorry to note that abuse and condemnation of a common acquaintance often constitutes very strong bond of union between otherwise uncongenial spirits.
— E.M. Delafield
He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later.
— Dean Koontz, Seize the Night
i won't be happy until i'm famous like God
— Madonna
The man behind the check-in counter gives the impression that he has just axe-murdered the motel's owner (and family, and family pet) and is going through these procedures of hostelry so as not to arouse suspicion.
— Paul Quarrington, The Ravine
Mr Wisdom,' said the girl who had led him into the presence.'Ah,' said Howard Saxby, and there was a pause of perhaps three minutes, during which his needles clicked busily. 'Wisdom, did she say?''Yes. I wrote "Cocktail Time"''You couldn't have done better,' said Mr Saxby cordially. 'How's your wife, Mr Wisdom?'Cosmo said he had no wife.'Surely?'"I'm a bachelor.'Then Wordsworth was wrong. He said you were married to immortal verse. Excuse me a moment,' murmured Mr Saxby, applying himself to the sock again. 'I'm just turning the heel. Do you knit?''No.''Sleep does. It knits the ravelled sleave of care.'(After a period of engrossed knitting, Cosmo coughs loudly to draw attention to his presence.)'Goodness, you made me jump!' he (Saxby) said. 'Who are you?''My name, as I have already told you, is Wisdom''How did you get in?' asked Mr Saxby with a show of interest.'I was shown in.''And stayed in. I see, Tennyson was right. Knowledge comes, but Wisdom lingers. Take a chair.''I have.''Take another,' said Mr Saxby hospitably.
— P.G. Wodehouse
My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.“I’m your boss, Anna.”“What do you mean?”There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.
— Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
The matter with human beans," the BFG went on, "is that they is absolutely refusing to believe in anything unless they is actually seeing it right in front of their own schnozzles.
— Roald Dahl, The BFG
Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.
— Jane Austen
A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.
— Gerald Raftery
Then they gave me a loaf of bread and told me to walk through the forest and give some to anyone who asked. I did exactly what they told me, and the second beggar-woman was a fairy in disguise, but instead of saying that whenever I spoke, diamonds and roses would drop from my mouth, she said that since I was so kind, I would never have any problems with my teeth.”“Really? Did it work?”“Well, I haven’t had a toothache since I met her.”“I’d much rather have good teeth than have diamonds and roses drop out of my mouth whenever I said something
— Patricia C. Wrede, Dealing with Dragons
Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.
— P.D. James, The Children of Men
He can’t ground her if he’s already killed her,” I pointed out when Juliana quoted this to me. “Well, he can, but it wouldn’t have the same impact.
— Claire LaZebnik, Epic Fail
Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".
— Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody.
— J.D. Robb, Treachery in Death
The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.
— P.J. O'Rourke
He dunked his tea bag and watched the results critically. “I really must get a new supplier. This tea is pathetic. America just doesn’t understand tea at all.
— Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls' Dance
Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think!
— Aleister Crowley, Moonchild
The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.
— Saki, The Complete Saki
Alltami (n.)The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
— Douglas Adams, The Deeper Meaning of Liff
Swans sing before they die— 't were no bad thing Should certain persons die before they sing.
— Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Dorina?" Louis Cesare's voice was loud in my ear. The one I had squeezed against thephone, which was squeezed against my sore shoulder, becuase I was using both hands tokeep Ray's point in his pants."The fey, damm it!" I told him. "They're for the fey!""Which one?" Louis Cesare asked, his voice going velvety soft."All of them- No Ray! Ray, cut it out!""All of them?
— Karen Chance, Fury's Kiss
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 
— David Letterman
Personally, I don’t think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
— Bob Monkhouse
I was glad to be made awarethat “Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.
— Roman Payne
The advantage of being married a long time was that one could argue without the necessity of the other's actual, physical presence.
— William Browning Spencer
None of us like to think we are silly. But all must acknowledge that they are capable of silliness, from time to time
— Jude Morgan, Indiscretion
A dog has got human eyes.
— Karl Pilkington
So what does that actually mean?''To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.''Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
-You forgot something important!-What?-It's under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!
— Cornelia Funke, The Thief Lord
I was not so comfortable with my new authority that I could say 'We eat the chicken now!' but the magus had seen that I was considering it..."My purse is full enough," said the magus, "to keep you supplied with roast chickens.""So, so, so," I said. "We know who the power behind the throne is," and the magus laughed."You eat more than Gen did after prison," he said."I have more sympathy with him all the time. Are you going to finish that drumstick?" I asked."I am. Stop staring at it.
— Megan Whalen Turner, A Conspiracy of Kings
And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.
— Dylan Moran
We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slovenians was spending too much money, so we put him on a boat and he landed in Scotland.
— Slavoj Žižek
Please just admit it," said Valkyrie. "You're going to miss me, aren't you?" "Obviously," said Skulduggery. "Thank you." "Like a drowning man misses the land." "A w w w..." "Like a hesitant man misses the chance." "Yeah..." "Like an oblivious man misses the point." "I have a feeling you're mocking me somehow, but I can't put my finger on how.
— Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.
— Atsushi Ohkubo
The emperor is naked!"The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hush fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasant shouted:"No, he isn't. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!
— James Finn Garner
I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
— Edward Gorey
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
I got to eavesdrop at a window. As Clay said, I did have another option. I could wait in the car and let them fill me in later. So, eavesdropping it was.
— Kelley Armstrong, Broken
All right." He straightened up and seemed to be true to his promise to let it go. "I will be a man about this."That lasted until he saw the scratches on the hood from the mountain lion and the front fender, Where Abigail had dragged it off the driveway.Wailing, he went to it and sank to his knees. He sprawled over the hood and laid his head on the damaged fender. "I'm so sorry, Bets. I should of hidden the keys. Booted your tires. Something. I had know idea anyone would hurt you so, baby. I swear I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ayyy, how could they do this to you? How? Oh the humanity!
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Retribution
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
— Jay Leno
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
— Robert Orben
Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes. 
— Zach Helm, Stranger Than Fiction: The Shooting Script
The thinner the excuse, the fatter the reason for it.
— Jerry Scott
A Prayer was like a tickle.Sooner or later God would have to look down to see what was tickling his bum.
— Lloyd Jones, Mister Pip
I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not
—  women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge.
I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none.
— Ben Shahm
Then what do we call you?" another of the heat forms asked. "We are Rutan." "Our species need something a little more particular," the first heat form of the Time Lord said. "I think we’ll call you Fred, for ease of reference.
— David A. McIntee, Doctor Who: Lords of the Storm
Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.
— Elizabeth Rudnick, Tweet Heart
It's unwise to pay too much, but it's worse to pay too little. Whenyou pay too much, you lose a little money - that's all. When you paytoo little, you sometimes lose everything, because the thing youbought was incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do. Thecommon law of business balance prohibits paying a little and getting alot - it can't be done. If you deal with the lowest bidder, it is wellto add something for the risk you run, and if you do that you willhave enough to pay for something better.
— John Ruskin
Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman
— Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance
Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Just because your lover died doesn't mean you can't find another. Besides, ifyou don't start dating again your parents will intervene and I've met your parents, they scare the crap out of me."Anthony shivered at the memory of his parents'matchmaking skills. "Last time they fixed me up with a fairy."Steven snorted. "I thought you didn't like labels.""No. He was an actual fairy, you know, from Faeland."That got Steven's full attention. "What happened?"Anthony shrugged. "Let's just say it didn't work out.
— Amber Kell, Attracting Anthony
whoopdie-friggin-doo, fooled you!
— Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver
Once, I asked my mom why stars shine. She said they werenight-lights, so the angels could find their way around in Heaven.But when I asked my dad, he started talking about gas, and somehowI put it all together and figured that the food God served causedmultiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
— Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country."Good heavens!" cried Iliel, 'are we going to England?
— Aleister Crowley, Moonchild
It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.
— Jorge Luis Borges
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.
— James Finn Garner
The name of the new religion," said Rumfoord, "is The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
— Groucho Marx
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
— Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover
Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].
— Arya Riverdale
But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!
— Matt Groening
There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and broken grass-blades trembling in small air-movements they could not feel.'Not a bird!' said Sam mournfully.'No, no birds,' said Gollum. 'Nice birds!' He licked his teeth. 'No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,' he ended sadly. Sam looked at him with distaste.
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity.
— John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces
Damn straight" said Connor. " So yeah, I look at you and I could suck start a leaf blower, or drill a Kevin-shaped body hole into the wall, like a cartoon.
— Z.A. Maxfield, The Long Way Home
She moved closer to me, put her hands to my face, and kissed me softly on the lips.God, it felt so good.So perfect, so right...It felt so good, I nearly fell off the roof.
— Kevin Brooks, iBoy
It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a doll's house. I thought that was silly as soon as I thought of it.
— Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep
I could eat a knob at night.
— Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons
He's never known anything like it! But then, he has never known anything to write home about, so this is nothing to write home about. 
— Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex.""Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly. (Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel)
— Kenneth Oppel
Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?
— Robert Clark
I don't see what my arse has to do with enchantings!
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy - and wont cross the street to vote in a national election.
— Bill  Vaughn
I have a sack of hate mail that I want to respond to. One day, when I’m tired or tipsy, I will respond and tell them what I think.
— Chris Colfer
Fine. You stay here. I shall return when I’ve found food. But when you all faint from hunger later don’t think you can just feed on me.
— C.J. Daugherty, Night School
Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm."It's green!" Nico said with delight.
— Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse
I love you.''Yeah, well...''You make my heart want to beat.''That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.(...) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.''But my love for you is eternal.''That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
— Erma Bombeck
As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. Even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying alone and being found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian.
— Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
Hairy monkeyballs!” I hiss. “Dogshit on a stick! Puke pancakes!” A head pokes in. Wren, green eyes smiling, walks over to my bed.“I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?
— Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
— Sacha Guitry
Whirrun ignored ‘em. ‘Then, when I’ve got two cut,’ and he dropped a pale slab of cheese on one slice then slapped the other on top like he was catching a fly, ‘I trap the cheese between then, and there you have it!’‘Bread and cheese.’ Yon weighed the half-loaf in one hand and the cheese in the other. ‘Just the same as I’ve got.’ And he bit off the cheese and tossed it to Scorry.Whirrun sighed. ‘Have none of you no vision?’ He held up his masterpiece to such light as there was, which was almost none. ‘This is no more bread and cheese than a fine axe is wood and iron, or a live person is meat and har.’‘What is it, then?’ asked Drfod, rocking back from his wet wood and tossing the flint aside in disgust.‘A whole new thing. A forging of the humble part of bread and cheese into a greater whole. I call it … a cheese-trap.’ Whirrun took a dainty nibble from one corner. ‘Oh, yes, my friends. This tastes like … progress…
— Joe Abercrombie, The Heroes
If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life.
— Kaede Kouchi, Love So Life, Vol. 1
Cheese!" I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.
— Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag
If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".
— Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, Aphorisms
Cheat? Good heavens, this is an amateur cricket match amongst leading prep schools, I'm an Englishman and a schoolmaster supposedly setting an example to his young charges. We are playing the most artistic and beautiful game ever devised. Of course I'll cunting well cheat. Now, give me my robe and put on my crown. I have immortal longings in me.
— Stephen Fry, The Liar
At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men.
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists
Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Retribution
The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive.
— Terry Pratchett, Soul Music
It was a trap. It was so obviously a trap.Darquesse smiled.
— Derek Landy, The Dying of the Light
The rottweiler stood his ground and waited for me to take the next step in the dance of ritualized intimidation. Instead, I leaped at him. Screw ritual. Now was not the time to stand on ceremony.
— Kelley Armstrong, Stolen
Bowman turned his back on her and began to search the place methodically and exhaustively. When one searches any place, be it a gypsy caravan or a baronial mansion, methodically and exhaustively, one has to wreck it completely in the process.So, in a orderly and systematic fashion, Bowman set about reducing Czerda's caravan to a total ruin.
— Alistair MacLean, Caravan to Vaccares
Congratulations.You've just been demoted from the "pity" sector to the "apathy" sector.To check the validity of this offer you can ask if anyone cares.To cancel your subscription, go get a life.Thank you.
— Sanhita Baruah
Fish and company start to smell after three days.
— Leviathan Wakes
I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.
— Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington
I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.
— David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?
— Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
Does Uncle Bob have anything?""I heard he has an STD.""I mean on the women.""Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.
— Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light
The only thing worse than fighting a giant scorpion was fighting a giant scorpion who was trying to protect her young.
— Suzanne Collins, Gregor and the Marks of Secret
You are not the first, and will not be the last, to say so. I wear my “warped” label with pride.
— Jessica Park, Flat-Out Love
Oh, come on Em." He stopped walking and looked me in the eyes. His own were dark and shiny. "You know how I feel about you," he muttered."I do?"He stepped closer and whispered, "When you're around, music plays in my head."My eyes welled. "Music," I repeated softly."Well, you know." He grinned. "It's the Jaws theme. Da dum. Da dum.
— Jennifer Jabaley