c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Make sure the seaweed lies flat.''Okay.''Leave an inch below the knee.''Okay.''It's got to be loose enough to put a finger in the top.''Sean Kendrick.' I say it emphatically enough that the stallion's ears prick toward me. (...)Sean doesn't appear to be at all apologetic. 'I think you'd better let me do that after all.''You're the one who had me in here in the first place.' I say. 'Now I think it's you who doesn't trust me.''It's not just you,' He replies.I glower at him. 'Well, I'll tell you what. I'll hold him and you wrap. That way, when it's done wrong, there's only yourself to slap. And take your jacket. I'm tired of holding it.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Scorpio Races
She smiled smugly. “We came to an agreement, the duck and I.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me. "What do you mean, what happened?""I sensed your fear, heard you call out my 
— Kristi Cook, Haven
Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.
— Richelle Mead, Spirit Bound
You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic - you name it) that we do.
— Kiersten White, Paranormalcy
You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said."Are you?""No! I'm just me.
— P.C. Cast, Dragon's Oath
What about you? What do you do?” I needed to ask questions, draw him out. I needed to find out all the information I could. My voice sounded strong and smooth, but my hands were shaking. I put them in my lap so he couldn’t see.“I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children,” he said with a nasty smile. “And sometimes when I’m feeling really evil, I read books or paint.
— Kate Avery Ellison, The Curse Girl
Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infamous
Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles
— Sarah Phillips
Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners.""And to cleaning," Michael said."Look who's talking, Didn't the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in your room?
— Rachel Caine
Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.
— Rachel Vincent, Stray
Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well.
— Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight
Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.
— Jim Davis
It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.
— Isabel  Lopez, Isabel's Hand-Me-Down Dreams
Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.
— Melinda Chapman
I’m not your boyfriend!” I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.“How can you say that?” Sara asked in horror.“It’s shockingly effortless,” I replied. “My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking.” I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.“When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don’t have to knock like some guest?” Sara asked, coming at me again.I backed away. “How about never? Is never good for you?”Sara, undeterred, said, “You’re the reason I go to therapy on Fridays.”“The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.
— Laura Kreitzer, Keepers
Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to
— Jenny Trout
Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.
— Anna White, The Light and Fallen
WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.
— Harriet Evans, Happily Ever After
Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?""Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed."What if he's not your type?""Then we'll only hook up in dark places.
— Con Riley, After Ben
You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!
— Nicole McKay, A bit of rubbish about a Brick and a Blanket
Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.
— Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!
— Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
Adamant," Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. "We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.""Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer," Newel speculated. "Too much money, not enough talent.
— Brandon Mull, Keys to the Demon Prison
You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn't,it just makes them dead.
— Joe Walker
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.
— Jennifer Ziegler, How Not to Be Popular
Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.
— Harlan Coben, Shelter
Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me.
— Katie MacAlister, It's All Greek to Me
Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.
— Richelle Mead, Succubus Revealed
Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:Dylan: "Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up."Joss: "I'm not invisible."Dylan: "I know this.
— Susan Bischoff, Heroes 'Til Curfew
I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?
— Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough
She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that?
— Laura Ruby
This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.
— Ethan Day, Sno Ho
Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.
— Jennifer Ziegler, How Not to Be Popular
I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.
— Kjersti Annesdatter Skomsvold, The Faster I Walk, The Smaller I Am
Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.
— Jennifer Colgan, Uncross My Heart
Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested."Beautiful- what-is-it?" she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach."They take your pictures," said Indigo,... when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. "They do take them.... Why do you want that picture so much?" he asked Rose."It was my best ever," said Rose furiously. "I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I'm big enough.""You can't just go round killing people," Indigo told her...
— Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel
Bella,leave the aggressive stuff to me." My heart quirks in my chest. I may not like this guy but that sounded so hot. "Um..." Focus,focus. "What?
— Jenny B. Jones
We found it!" Charlotte yelled, as they ran back through the house. "We found it, we found it!"Eddie, Mr. Mallery, and Colonel Andrews came from separate directions, converging in the front hall. Miss Charming was hopping up and down, her bosom nearly rising to slap her own forehead.
— Shannon Hale, Midnight in Austenland
Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer.
— Maureen F. McHugh, After the Apocalypse
You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.
— Ethan Day, Sno Ho
Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A," said the Bursar.  The table fell silent. "Did anyone understand that?" said Ridcully. The Bursar was not technically insane. He had passed through the rapids of insanity som time previously, and was now sculling around in some peaceful pool on the other side. He was quite often coherent, although not by normal human standards.
— Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times: The Play
Jackie had now changed her tune, clinging to me as if she liked it. “I’m irresistible, brother, he’s swapping sides for me.”“I can’t fight it any longer,” I said, nonchalantly.Wade shook his head at us. “I’ll be sure to pass this news along to your husband, sis.”“He can have the kids,” Jackie said, causing everyone to chuckle.“We insist,” I tossed in.
— Ethan Day, Life in Fusion
The room fell silent. I frankly didn't know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help, all that he'd done would crumble.Plus, I like being called his only hope. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
— Tod Goldberg, The Reformed
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
— Chelsea Handler
Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.
— Ivan Stoikov
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
— Golda Meir
The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.
— Gavin Pretor-Pinney, The Cloudspotter's Guide
The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.
— Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story
You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.
— Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.
— E.W. Howe
Coordinating the retreat was important too, so important that Jiaan had assigned Aram as Fasal's assistant, to be sure he didn't overlook anything important. Like the fact that they were supposed to retreat.
— Hilari Bell, Forging the Sword
She didn‟t look like the athletic type to me.” “Maybe Nemov carried her. He looked like he could.” “He looked like he could carry his SUV. I don‟t know why he didn‟t.
— Josh Lanyon, Blood Heat
- Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?- I work occasionally. It's just that the BJs are much more exciting.
— G.A. Hauser, The Wedding Planner
It’s been so many years since I actually had a date that I’ve forgotten how to act. You don’t mention your ex when you’ve finished fucking your date it’s poor protocol 
— Scarlet Blackwell, Secondhand Heart
101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.
— Summersdale Publishers
He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.
— Toni Andrews, Beg For Mercy
Well, well, well," said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well," replied Pavel, not to be out welled.
— Cuthbert Soup, A Whole Nother Story
Just shut up and talk. - Shella
— Krista Alasti, Taming Shadows
He says black, I say white and we do grey
— Lazaro Hernandez
Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself.
— Victor Gischler, Go-Go Girls of the Apocalypse
I'm not sure whether to be relieved she didn't hurt you or diappointed. Now he's going to think he got away with that junk." -AbbyI wouldn't say that. He got a stern talking-to, but he already made great progress with his groveling lessons." -Sam""Ill show you exactly how much progress I've made the next time I get you in a shower." -Noah"I'm gonna kill him! Did you hear that? You have to let me kill him." -Graham"Stay right where you are. There will be no killing. I thought I made that clear to everyone last night. Don't make me go over it again!" -Missy
— Christine Warren, Howl at the Moon
That is a horrid temptation to put before a man who is forbidden to make vigorous movements,” he said. “Is it really?” she said. “No wonder Miles did not approve. He looked daggers at me.” “Maybe his face froze that way,” Rupert said. “He was looking daggers at me a few hours ago. Do you think he suspects?” “I think he knows ,” she said. “I’m glad I don’t have a sister,” he said. “I should have to get over my aversion to killing people.” -Rupert and Daphne
— Loretta Chase, Mr. Impossible
This is the final book about Brian
— Gary Paulsen, Brian's Return
A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them
— Christina Dodd, Some Enchanted Evening
If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.
— Elizabeth Hand, Waking the Moon
Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.''What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way?
— R.J. Silver
Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella
— Krista Alasti, Taming Shadows
They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?
— Adam Rex, Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
You ought to sue that son of a whore
— Stephen King, The Dead Zone
No other foreskin could have caused such trouble.
— Peter Manseau, Rag and Bone: A Journey Among the World's Holy Dead
I had a tumor. But it was great.
— David Rakoff
It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know?The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching. And for what? So you can wake up next to THAT in thirty years? What are we thinking??
— Yvonne Prinz, The Vinyl Princess
Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.
— Doug MacLeod, Siggy and Amber
I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.
— Lawrence Welk
This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.
— Penny Reid, Love Hacked
Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.
— Connie Willis, To Say Nothing of the Dog
If Sloane’s quiet words hadn’t been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane’s quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment 
— Charlie Cochet, Hell & High Water
Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy iMac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me -- I certainly would.
— Julie Powell, Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen: How One Girl Risked Her Marriage, Her Job, and Her Sanity to Master the Art of Living
Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.
— Gore Vidal
The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
Broken Wind believed that we are traumatized as babies by intestinal gas or colic. The great shaman invented a technique called "gastral projection" to help release these traumas. His philosophy was simple: "To air is human ... but to really cut one loose is divine.
— Swami Beyondananda
And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it
— Dalia Sofer, The Septembers of Shiraz
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
— Marilyn Vos Savant
Lou, honey, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes if you'll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room from us. You are wearing panties, right?"I glance up and across at Stefan. His words register a moment later and my head swivels toward the other side of the room. There are a number of people staring at me. One of them is Detective Terry Shay. Or I think it is. He's not looking directly at me. He's looking up my skirt
— Ronda Thompson, Confessions of a Werewolf Supermodel
Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf. 
— Andrew Davidson
After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil.
— Wes Locher, Musings on Minutiae
He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport.
— Jeffrey Archer, A Prisoner of Birth
C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. - Marigold
— Jean Ferris
Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, "Bless you," and would I get him a bottle of Satan's Red-Hot Revenge for the eggs?Sure thing, Pastor.
— Joan Bauer, Hope Was Here
Revenge of the Giant Grill Man.
— Joan Bauer, Hope Was Here
Don't get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria's finest was sworn in as governor of the great state of California.
— J. Maarten Troost, Lost on Planet China: The Strange and True Story of One Man's Attempt to Understand the World's Most Mystifying Nation, or How He Became Comfortable Eating Live Squid
Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.
— Louis Sachar, Holes
Doris loves Superman as well.unfortunately, she got knocked down by a van last year, and it was a big, long recovery for her, really. It took about six months, didn't it, before she was fully back to normal. She never gone back to normal. She's got a bionic leg now, which made her twice as fast and twice as stupid. You know, but she's just such good fun. But anyway,like she had a bit of a low point, you know, when she got really fed up, you know, with those stupid lampshade collars, you know, that they have on their head. Ugh, bumping into everything, she was walking about sighing. Ugh, like that, you know, and if you've ever been known or been with the terriers, but that ball of energy,you know, and she wasn't allowed to be for a walk or anything. It was awful. So to cheer her up, I bought her a little Superman outfit for dogs. When you get home, you look online. They are absolutely brilliant. You can get Wonder Woman and Darth Vader, all sorts. They're the funniest thing I have ever seen in my. The front paws, the front legs go in Super man's legs, you know, and it like covers up the paw with these little, red boot things on the bottom. And it comes up and ties around the neck, and there's tube stuff down from the front. So from the front, it's like a tiny, little Superman with a dog's head. And then, on the back there's this cape. So when she trots around, it looks like she's flying! Ah, it's brilliant! And she loves it. I couldn't get it off for about a week. It's honestly, they're absolutely brilliant, you must check it out. So anyway, tonight this is for Doris.
— Kate Rusby
Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.
— Debi Gliori, Pure Dead Magic
Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway.'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully.'Huh?' said Lester.
— Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, The Grooming of Alice
You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the sharpest claws, and two front teeth as long as knives and as sharp as blades. And I said to him, Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I’ll look after your balls for you. He was so proud of his balls. So he got into the water hole for a swim, and I put his balls on, and left him my own little spider balls. And then, you know what I did? I ran away, fast as my legs would take me “I didn’t stop till I got to the next town, And I saw Old Monkey there. You lookin’ mighty fine, Anansi, said Old Monkey. I said to him, You know what they all singin’ in the town over there? What are they singin’? he asks me. They singin’ the funniest song, I told him. Then I did a dance, and I sings, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “Old Monkey he laughs fit to bust, holding his side and shakin’, and stampin’, then he starts singin’ Tiger’s balls, I ate Tiger’s balls, snappin’ his fingers, spinnin’ around on his two feet. That’s a fine song, he says, I’m goin’ to sing it to all my friends. You do that, I tell him, and I head back to the water hole. “There’s Tiger, down by the water hole, walkin’ up and down, with his tail switchin’ and swishin’ and his ears and the fur on his neck up as far as they can go, and he’s snappin’ at every insect comes by with his huge old saber teeth, and his eyes flashin’ orange fire. He looks mean and scary and big, but danglin’ between his legs, there’s the littlest balls in the littlest blackest most wrinkledy ball-sack you ever did see. “Hey, Anansi, he says, when he sees me. You were supposed to be guarding my balls while I went swimming. But when I got out of the swimming hole, there was nothing on the side of the bank but these little black shriveled-up good-for-nothing spider balls I’m wearing. “I done my best, I tells him, but it was those monkeys, they come by and eat your balls all up, and when I tell them off, then they pulled off my own little balls. And I was so ashamed I ran away. “You a liar, Anansi, says Tiger. I’m going to eat your liver. But then he hears the monkeys coming from their town to the water hole. A dozen happy monkeys, boppin’ down the path, clickin’ their fingers and singin’ as loud as they could sing, Tiger’s balls, yeah, I ate Tiger’s balls Now ain’t nobody gonna stop me ever at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ’Cos I ate that Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls. “And Tiger, he growls, and he roars and he’s off into the forest after them, and the monkeys screech and head for the highest trees. And I scratch my nice new big balls, and damn they felt good hangin’ between my skinny legs, and I walk on home. And even today, Tiger keeps chasin’ monkeys. So you all remember: just because you’re small, doesn’t mean you got no power.
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods
Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
I’m a firm believer in equality at all times
— Cherise Sinclair, Dark Citadel
I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.
— Cate Tiernan, Immortal Beloved
I claim neither liberalism nor conservatism - one tends to be airheaded while the other tends to be brickheaded.
— Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Y’all might as well come on out,” I said. “I know you’re there. I can smell you.”“Smell me? But I just took a shower this morning!” an indignant voice drifted out of the shadows.There was a loud sound, like someone was getting smacked upside the head. Then another voice let out a low mutter.“Shut up, idiot.
— Jennifer Estep, By a Thread
Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be."Foolhardy?" Kelsier asked with a laugh. "that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. "By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few years""We'll fix that" Kelsier promised.
— Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire
But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.
— Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.
— Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear
Mallory dropped her head to the steering wheel. "Look, I'm mad at you, okay? This isn't about me. I know my painful memories are relative. My life is good. I'm lucky. This isn't about how poor little Mallory has had it so hard. I'm not falling apart or anything."He stroked a hand down her back. "Of course you're not. You're just holding the steering wheel up with your head for a minute, that's all.
— Jill Shalvis, Lucky in Love
If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.
— Tom Hanks
Bryan helped me up.  "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?"I shrugged.  "I've never been very athletic.  Not unless you count fencing.""You made fences?
— John Corwin, Sweet Blood of Mine
TO:rosencrantzpinchard@gmai.com: Something's wrong! The house is shaking!TO:rosencrantzpinchard@gmail.com: Well can you turn down the volume on Star Trek:Voyager? I thought we were having an earthquake when the Enterprise hit Warp speed. Why did you let me sleep until nearly one?
— Robert Bryndza, The Not So Secret Emails Of Coco Pinchard
Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.
— Megan McCafferty, Thumped
It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.
— Kylie Scott, Skin
[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. "There we go. How are they?"She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. "Good, I think. Thank you.""Wear them the next time we f***. That would be thanking me.""Aww. You say the sweetest things.""Don't I?
— Kylie Scott, Skin
I am a vicious and unrepentant killer who should be locked up. With him, my idiot boyfriend.
— Kylie Scott, Skin
What did you think of him?" Cade asked."Give me some credit," Zach said. "Guy’s more full of shit than a duck pond.
— Christopher Farnsworth, Red, White, and Blood
I have a funny side. I have a soft and sympathetic side. I have a serious side, and a seriously romantic side. I have lots of sides; it's the main course I haven't quite figured out.
— Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway
Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.
— Alex Flinn, Cloaked
Leave your incidental Dick.
— Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
...it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
... an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
I am too much alien and not enough monkey to fit in here.
— Melissa St. Hilaire
Bones just stared. "You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.
— Anthony Horowitz, Point Blank
At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!
— Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge
So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.
— Stephen Colbert, I Am America
I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others...
— Richard Paul Evans, The Prisoner of Cell 25
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
— Diane Arbus
This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge
Tighe took control of his thoughts.“You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to comein with you. You must let them in. Don’t allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you’llgo into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go tosleep.”The bastard’s career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But hedeserved it for kicking a cat.
— Pamela Palmer, Obsession Untamed
Cara: *Flies*Gen: What? I don't have wings!Cara: Ofcourse not! You're a boy.
— Jim Henson
That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge
Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.
— Regina Griffin
Don't say anything. Just act cool," I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver."Like this?" it asked."No, I mean act calm."Mavkel stopped shivering.
— Alison Goodman, Singing the Dogstar Blues
Mother, you have my father much offended.
— William Shakespeare
I remember that story. You have read it four times." Samson shrugged. "Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, 'That was a fine piece of music. I'll never listen to that again." But some people treat books that way. Not I!
— Karen A. Wyle, Twin-Bred
Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way.
— Markus Zusak, Underdog
He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Narcissus in Chains
Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.
— Tamara Summers, Never Bite a Boy on the First Date
Yes it is" Eragon said before his courage left him "just like you
— Christopher Paolini, Eldest
I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.
— Hayden Thorne, Mimi Attacks
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
— Amunhotep El Bey, The Quotations Book of life and Death
It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender.“Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively.“Okay, I deserved that,” I admitted.
— Laura Kreitzer, Keepers
I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.
— L.H. Thomson, The Antique Hunters
I'm sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don't even like the game very much, I think it's silly, but I so miss physical activity that I'd be thrilled if I could run around the gymnasium with a broom between my legs, chasing after the human snitch wearing a gold pinny.
— Megan McCafferty, Thumped
But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.
— Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.
— Daniel Silva, The Marching Season
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
— Jon Stewart
You'll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.
— Kiersten White, Paranormalcy
As Confucius once said, "He who does nothing is the one who does nothing."'Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. 'did Confucius really say that?'Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. 'No, but who cared? The point is, they handled, and most likely they found some sort of self-satisfaction in their industrious-ness. Who am I to deprive them of that?'Gabby put her hands on her hips. 'Or maybe you just wanted to be lazy.'Stephanie grinned. 'Like Jesus said, "Blessed are the lazy who lie in boats, for they shall inherit a suntan."''Jesus didn't say that.''True,' Stephanie afreed, sitting up. She removed her glasses, stared through them, then wiped them on a towel. 'But again, who cares?
— Nicholas Sparks, The Choice
Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
Her brain is like a filing cabinet – everything neatly stored in categories. My brain is more like soup – everything all blended and mushed together.
— Cat Clarke
I found her lying naked on the lawn at midnight, can I keep her?
— R.J. Anderson, Spell Hunter
I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?'She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her.Oh dear God!He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded.'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.
— Julie Anne Long, How the Marquess Was Won
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
— Jon Stewart
She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.
— Molly Harper, The Art of Seducing a Naked Werewolf
Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
I put the sexy in dyslexia.
— Mariah Gonzales
She'll soon forget.""Caddy," said Saffron impatiently, "she is headmistress of the private school! She's probably never forgotten anything in her whole life!
— Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel
Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock." Hector
— Gena Showalter, Dark Taste of Rapture
Even Dad likes it," said Caddy, and her father agreed that he did. In a way. Being a broad-minded, tolerant, artistic sort of person. Or so people told him..."Oh, yes?" said Saffron, rolling her eyes."Yes," said Bill, sounding a little bit peeved. "So you thank your lucky stars, my girl, because in some families you would have come home to very big trouble! A nose stud! At your age! If you come down with blood poisoning, don't blame me!
— Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel
Okay, time to get serious. I let my smile fade slowly and lowered my pitch, as no human woman could have. “I’m not joking this time. If I see it, it’s mine, and you won’t get it back at the end of the school year.” I growled, deep and long, savoring the feel of the vibrations in my throat, as if the sound alone could save me. It wasn’t quite a cat’s growl but it was damn close. And it was his last warning.Miguel dismissed my threat with an easy smile, and my stomach clenched. Oh, yeah, Faythe. You have Puss shaking in his boots, all right.
— Rachel Vincent, Stray
Same as you, Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in maths and another in astrophysics it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. Sorry I missed the Wednesday lunch date, but I was in a black hole all morning.
— Douglas Adams, The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
Stealing is good, honest work," Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking," he admitted after a moment. "Or actually good.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word..." (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)
— Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel
Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.
— Cheryl Cory, Must've Done Something Good
Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something.
— Laura Kreitzer, Abyss
I am a teacher. Pay close attention - this will be on the test. You don't wreck buildings. You don't take children hostage. And you don't threaten people with violence. Okay class dismissed. Looks like you fail!
— yoko
Screw sharks a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me. 
— Emma McLaughlin, The Real Real
He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.
— Adam Rex, Cold Cereal
It just doesn't seem right to spend your entire life drinking, when you could be exploring the world.""Or," Zhy said as he hefted a mug to his lips, "it doesn't seem right to be risking your life running down warlocks when you could be sitting on a nice, warm bar stool.
— Martin D. Gibbs
Now me,” said Mr. Vandemar.“What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot,” he added, helpfully.
— Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere
But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.
— Barack Obama, Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance
Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.
— Terry Pratchett, Making Money
Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.
— Eloisa James, When Beauty Tamed the Beast
I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it's not a lie.
— Mark Wahlberg
Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?' 'Neythen, my lord.''Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis.
— Eloisa James, When Beauty Tamed the Beast
Most animals show themselves sparingly. The grizzly bear is six to eight hundred pounds of smugness. It has no need to hide. If it were a person, it would laugh loudly in quiet restaurants, boastfully wear the wrong clothes for special occasions, and probably play hockey.
— Craig Childs, The Animal Dialogues: Uncommon Encounters in the Wild
You talk more when you're nervous," he said, still standing close to her."No i don't. That's absurd. I'm just trying to explain to you-""Do i make you nervous?""No. I'm not nervous.""You're trembling.""I'm cold. I'm wearing practically zero clothes."His glance went to her lips, then back to her eyes. "I noticed.
— Michele Jaffe, Prom Nights from Hell
Is he following? Can you have a flaming gay moment or something and check?""Why do I have to be the flaming gay one?
— Finn Marlowe, Forever in One Second
Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.
— Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.
— Aravind Adiga, Last Man in Tower
Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.
— Neil Gaiman, Death: The Time of Your Life
You'll see. I have a collection of fine waistcoats and a handsome face." He stepped back to let her take in the full effect of both and her smile spread to the edge of a laugh.
— Meljean Brook, Heart of Steel
Hey, he's not using a holster," I said, glancing at Alex's on the dresser. He laughed out loud. "Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It'd be so great if these things were true to life - the next scene would show him at hospital like, clutching himself in agony."'Angel - L.A.Weatherly
— L.A.Weatherly, Angel, #1
Tim and Raine are coming in.""Are they insane?""Apparently.
— Susan Bischoff, Heroes 'Til Curfew
This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink... mug of water.
— Russell Brand
Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
— Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times: The Play
Are you wearing space pants?" Miranda asked him."What?"How did it end? oh, right. "Because your butt is fine."He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. "I think-" he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, "I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world.""Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her.
— Michele Jaffe, Prom Nights from Hell
I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey
— R.J. Dennis
Count yourself fortunate." He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. "Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth.
— Lynn Viehl, Night Lost
I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard!
— Ethan Day, Life in Fusion
Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!
— L.M. Montgomery