c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see...""You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?""No," said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people.""Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy.""I did," said Ford. "It is.""So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't people get rid of the lizards?""It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want.""You mean they actually vote for the lizards?""Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course.""But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?""Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?""What?""I said," said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, "have you got any gin?""I'll look. Tell me about the lizards."Ford shrugged again."Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happenned to them," he said. "They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it.""But that's terrible," said Arthur."Listen, bud," said Ford, "if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say 'That's terrible' I wouldn't be sitting here like a lemon looking for a gin.
— Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.
— Johnny Depp
Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches.
— Salvador Dalí, Dalí's Mustache
Geez, you guys. I know I'm popular and all, but seriously, you're a bit too co-dependent for me. I'm going to need you to step away from my personal bubble." A wispy vine-woman curled ivy tendrils around his arm, and he sliced through them with his dagger. "No! Bad Wraith! No touchie!
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Knight
If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.
— Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
— Richard Paul Evans, The Sunflower
Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto
— Scott Adams
A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
— Mark Twain
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
— Charles M. Schulz
Playing with fire Kitten?
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me
— John Irving, The World According to Garp
That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
— Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., Autocrat of the Breakfast Table
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
— John Updike
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
— Alex Gaskarth
I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
— J.R. Ward, Lover Revealed
Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
— Molly Ivins, Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?
Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots
— Albert Einstein
Hmm…” Jason snapped his fingers. “I can call a friend for a ride.”Percy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
I didn't know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long." -Nudge
— James Patterson, The Angel Experiment
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
— George Carlin
You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Guilty Pleasures
What was that?" Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner."Brill," Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on."Again?" Belgarath demanded with exasperation. "What was he doing this time?""Trying to fly, last time I saw him." Silk smirked.The old man looked puzzled."He wasn't doing it very well," Silk added.Belgarath shrugged. "Maybe it'll come to him in time.""He doesn't really have all that much time." Silk glanced out over the edge."From far below - terribly far below - there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. "Does bouncing count?" Silk asked.Belgarath made a wry face. "Not really.""Then I'd say he didn't learn in time." Silk said blithely.
— David Eddings, Magician's Gambit
Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed
— Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 14
Wow. When he started looking back on the war with Kronos as the good old days--that was sad.
— Rick Riordan, The House of Hades
Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.
— Marilyn Monroe
Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
— Terry Pratchett
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
— Bill Hicks
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
— Erin Hunter
Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.
— Rachel Cohn, Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
— Aleister Crowley, Moonchild
Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.
— Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park
Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.
— Mike Royko
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
Well? Is it true? Did she?""Did she what?""You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones.
— Kiersten White, Paranormalcy
Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?""It sucked.""Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks."It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print
—  experience is what you get when you don't.
No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.
— Sara Shepard, Heartless
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.", Summer 1956]
— Dorothy Parker
Now what state do you live in?''Denial.
— Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
What are you talking about?" Narcissus demanded. "I am amazing. Everyone knows this.""Amazing at pure suck," Leo said. "If I was as suck as you, I'd drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
— Dorothy Parker
Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.” ~ Liberty Jones
— Lisa Kleypas, Sugar Daddy
Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?" Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed."Huh? No. I mean, I don't know," Claire said." Massie said through her teeth.
— Lisi Harrison, The Clique
So far Kat has been through all the Wa's she could think of, but Hale hadn't admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He'd firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him to do a very bad Sherlock Holmes impersonation throughout a good portion of a train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. And Wayne seemed so wrong she hadn't even tried.Hale was Hale. And not knowing what the W's stood for had become a constant reminder to Kat that, in life, there are some things that can be given but never stolen.Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.
— Ally Carter, Heist Society
No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."	"And?"	"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Cat's Cradle
I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
— Mark Twain
Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.
— Carl Hiaasen, Strip Tease
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off. 
— Ellen DeGeneres
See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.What can I say? I read a lot of books.
— Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall
Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of.
— Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice
When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?
— Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
— Dave Barry
Yeah, the whole family knows. It's no big deal. One night at dinner I said, 'Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.' It was easier for her to understand that way.
— Holly Black, Tithe
No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.
— George S. Patton Jr.
Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
— Dorothy Parker
True storyThis morning I jumped on my horseAnd went for a ride,And some wild outlaws chased meAnd shot me in the side.So I crawled into a wildcats caveTo find a place to hideBut some pirates found me sleeping thereAnd soon they had me tiedTo a pole and built a fireUnder me---I almost criedTill a mermaid came and cut me looseAnd begged to be my brideSo I said id come back WednesdayBut I must admit I lied.Then I ran into a jungle swampBut I forgot my guide And I stepped into some quicksandAnd no matter how hard I triedI couldn’t get out, until I metA watersnake named ClydeWho pulled me to some cannibalsWho planned to have me friedBut an eagle came and swooped me upAnd through the air we fliedBut he dropped me in a boiling lakeA thousand miles wideAnd you’ll never guess what I did then---I DIED
— Shel Silverstein
She craved a tall glass of the fresh-squeezed lemonade from the pitcher she’d left chilling in the fridge. Two glasses served with a generous slice of pound cake with orange glaze icing sounded twice as nice.
— Ed Lynskey, Fur the Win
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
I just rely on natural talent," said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon's Lair. "When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much.
— Richelle Mead, Bloodlines
Dev-"Come in peace or leave in pieces
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Bad Moon Rising
In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
— Susan Ee, Angelfall
Hey, our hair's the same color," I said, eying us side by side in the mirror."Sure is, girlfriend." Eric grinned at me.
— Charlaine Harris, Living Dead in Dallas
From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
— Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
— Groucho Marx
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
— Richard Pryor
My own business always bores me to death
—  I prefer other people's.
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
— Franklin D. Roosevelt
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."]
— Mark Twain
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
— Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker
It's my turn to see you through,' she whispers, coming back to me and wrapping me in her blanket as I lose my shit all over again. She holds me until I recover my Y chromosome.
— Gayle Forman, Where She Went
A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, “Ouch. What in the hell was that for?” “Your timing sucks on an epic level,” Daemon shot back.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown
She sighed, annoyed at her restlessness. “So,” she said, disrupting Wolf in another backward glance.“Who would win in a fight—you or a pack of wolves?”He frowned at her, all seriousness. “Depends,” he said, slowly, like he was trying to figure out her motive for asking. “How big is the pack?”“I don’t know, what’s normal? Six?”“I could win against six,” he said. “Any more than that and it could be a close call.”Scarlet smirked. “You’re not in danger of low self-esteem, at least.”“What do you mean?”“Nothing at all.” She kicked a stone from their path. “How about you and … a lion?”“A cat? Don’t insult me.”She laughed, the sound sharp and surprising. “How about a bear?”“Why, do you see one out there?”“Not yet, but I want to be prepared in case I have to rescue you.”The smile she’d been waiting for warmed his face, a glint of white teeth flashing. “I’m not sure. I’ve never had to fight a bear before.
— Marissa Meyer, Scarlet
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
— Mark Twain
Sissy Mae Smith...stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. "You pack like a woman," she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. "How can one man have so much conditioner?"His mouth filled with French toast, Mitch pointed at his hair and snarled, "Tawny mane! Do you think this shit stays this beautiful on its own? It needs care and love! Which is more than I'm getting from you!
— Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze
It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Immature poets imitate
—  mature poets steal.
Bones has always been smart," I muttered. "His intelligence was just camouflaged under a mountain of p**sy."Cat
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes.  A. Or a shirt. 2. I didn’t bring my keys                        A. Or anything really. 3. I’d just left a complete stranger in my apartment.                        A. Naked.Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached had clearly never met the disaster that was me.
— Cora Carmack, Losing It
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
— Chelsea Handler
No single thing abides
—  and all things are fucked up.
Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it's like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.
— Colleen Houck, Tiger's Curse
Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
— Dorothy Parker
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
— Lemony Snicket
My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.
— Christopher Hitchens
Sensitive," I tried.Sam translated: "Squishy.""Creative.""Dangerously emo.""Thoughtful.""Feng shui." out of 'thoughtful'?""You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways." Sam shrugged. "To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part.
— Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver
It's never just a game when you're winning.
— George Carlin
Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
— Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
— Clarence Darrow, The Story of My Life
Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him.
— Kristin Cashore, Bitterblue
Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
— Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg! [Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.] Hobbes: Look, it's just a game. Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
— Bill Watterson
I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
— Jim Butcher, Grave Peril
Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
— H.L. Mencken, Notes on Democracy
I didn't realize there was a ranking." I said. "Sadie frowned. "What do you mean?" "A ranking," I said. "You know, what's crazier than what." "Oh, sure there is," Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. "First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here." "So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain," I said. Sadie shook her head. "Uh-uh," she said. "Suicides are." I looked at her. "Why?" "Anyone can be crazy," she answered. "That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?
— Michael Thomas Ford
I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear," said Edward.
— Stephenie Meyer, Twilight
Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler."Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I'm far more than just a 'mild' annoyance--people tell me I can be downright frustrating. Might as well use this talent for the cause of good, eh?
— Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
— Steven Wright
I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.
— Graham Parke, Unspent Time
Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working- Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don't you? Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I've been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor? Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm! Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.Bloody hell!
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
— Steven Wright
Death should take me while I am in the mood.
— Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Blithedale Romance
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
— Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with
— Lauren Conrad
I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Castle in the Air
You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable.
— Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game
Asshole.” “Just for that, I expect you to wrap that dirty mouth of yours around my cock tonight.” He narrowed his eyes on me.I couldn’t believe he’d just said that to me in a fancy restaurant where anyone might overhear. “Are you kidding?” “Babe,” he gave me a look that suggested I was missing the obvious, “I never kid about blowjobs.”Our waiter had descended on us just in time to hear those romantic words and his rosy cheeks betrayed his embarrassment. “Ready to order?” he croaked out.“Yes,” Braden answered, obviously uncaring he’d been overhead. “I’ll have the steak, medium-rare.” He smiled softly at me. “What are you having?” He took a swig of water. He thought he was so cool and funny. “Apparently sausage.” Braden choked on the water, coughing into his fists, his eyes bright with mirth as he put his glass back on the table. “Are you okay, sir?” The waiter asked anxiously. “I’m fine, I’m fine.
— Samantha Young, On Dublin Street
Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'I understand. So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.a) Do you have a vagina? andb) Do you want to be in charge of it?If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.I'd finally found something Eric did poorly.
— Charlaine Harris, Dead as a Doornail
Tomorrow is promised to no one.
— Clint Eastwood
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
— George Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah
Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dragonswan
Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
— Lewis Carroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass
You! You tricked me! I never want to see you or that bottle of liquid arsenic again!”I chucked the empty moonshine jug at him. Or tried to. It missed him by a dozen feet.He picked it up in astonishment. “You drank the whole bloody thing? You were only supposed to have a few sips!”“Did you say that? Did you?” He reached me just as I felt the ground tip. “Didn’t say anything. I’ve got those names, so that’s all that matters, but you men…you’re all alike. Alive, dead, undead—all perverts! I had a drunken pervert in my pants! Do you know how unsanitary that is?”Bones held me upright. I would have protested, but I couldn’t remember how to. “What are you saying?”“Winston poltergeisted my panties, that’s what!” I announced with a loud hiccup.“Why, you scurvy, lecherous spook!” Bones yelled in the direction of the cemetery. “If my pipes still worked, I’d go right back there and piss on your grave!
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
Rule number one of anime," Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in the other. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said I BLOGGED YOUR MOM and a pair of jeans that were ripped in one knee. "Never screw with a blind monk.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
You can swim, too." he says. "Where did you learn that in District Twelve?""We have a very big bathtub.
— Suzanne Collins
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.
— Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.
— Blaise Pascal
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
— Ellen DeGeneres
It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.
— Dale Carnegie
So." [Isobel] cleared her throat. "What are we doing?""We," [Varen] said at last, "are doing a project on Poe.""Didn't he marry his cousin or something?""The man is a literary god and that's all you have to say?
— Kelly Creagh, Nevermore
MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired.
— Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker
What’s your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.'Can I call you None for short?
— Rachel Caine, Carpe Corpus
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
— Steven Wright
I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.
— Ann Brashares, The Second Summer of the Sisterhood
Arthur: If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?Ford: We're safe.Arthur: Oh good.Ford: We're in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet. that I wasn't previously aware of.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I called Vee."How are you doing?" I asked."Good. How are you?""Good."Silence."Okay," Vee said in a rush, "I am still totally freaked out. You?""Totally.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was."Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..
— Gabriel García Márquez
Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”“Tempting,” Percy called down.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
— W.C. Fields
Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.
— Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game
But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.
— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
— Ogden Nash
Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —""Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred. —”It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.
— Anna Banks, Of Poseidon
Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.
— Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
— Steven Wright
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
— Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
— Bill Hicks
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
— René Descartes
Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Origin
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.
— Janet Evanovich
James - "Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?"Elizabeth - "Oh, I'm definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.
— Julia Quinn, How to Marry a Marquis
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
— A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner
If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.
— Joss Whedon
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry
I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
— Arthur Conan Doyle
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
— Douglas MacArthur
Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.
— Spider Robinson, Off the Wall at Callahan's
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
— Peter De Vries
Evey Hammond: Who are you? V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask. Evey Hammond: Well I can see that. V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is
— Alan Moore, V for Vendetta
He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working. 
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours
—  he can't drink for eight hours
The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
— John Bingham, No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running
She would've been a good woman," said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.
— Flannery O'Connor, A Good Man is Hard to Find and Other Stories
Room service? Send up a larger room."]
— Groucho Marx
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
— Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second.
— Melina Marchetta, Froi of the Exiles
Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.
— Henry Ford
Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.
— Kristin Cashore, Bitterblue
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
Housework can kill you if done right.
— Erma Bombeck
I am not sure I trust you.""You can trust me with your life, My King.""But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
— Megan Whalen Turner, The King of Attolia
Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
— Helen Gurley Brown
Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!
— Cherise Sinclair, Make Me, Sir
What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.
— Stephanie Perkins, Lola and the Boy Next Door
I like ducks." Jem observed diplomatically. "Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park." He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side. "Remember when you tried to convince me to feed pultry pie the the mallards in the park to see if you couls breed a race of cannibal ducks?""They ate it too," Will reminisced. "Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.
— Ally Carter, Heist Society
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
— Steve Martin
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
— Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
— Mel Brooks
I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes."I could kiss you!" Chubs cried."Please don't!" I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.
— Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds
It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
— Patricia Briggs
Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.
— David Wong, John Dies at the End
Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
— Bill Watterson
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
Sigh"?"Eye roll
— Colleen Hoover, November 9
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
— Mark Twain
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Can you define "plan" as "a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance"? If so, it was a very good plan.
— Jonathan Stroud, The Ring of Solomon
I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. "Thank you." "I just went along for the ride. After that happened-" She waved at Derek. "You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Reckoning
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Invincible
I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.
— Allen Ginsberg