c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Under opacity and in the newfound complexity of the world, people can hide risks and hurt others, with the law incapable of catching them. Iatrogenics has both delayed and invisible consequences. It is hard to see causal links, to fully understand what’s going on.Under such epistemic limitations, skin in the game is the only true mitigator of fragility.
— Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder
Blessedness is not the reward of virtue, but virtue itself.
— Baruch Spinoza, Ethics
It is very wrong to kill any one[.]""Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!
— Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost
Is it possible that future generations will regard our present agribuisness and eating practices in much the same way we now view Nero's entertainments or Mengele's experiments? My own initial reaction is that such a comparison is hysterical, extreme - and yet the reason it seems extreme to me appears to be that I believe animals are less morally important than human behings; and when it comes to defending such a belief, even to myself, I have to acknowledge that (a) I have an obvious selfish interest in this belief, since I like to eat certain kinds of animals and want to be able to keep doing it, and (b) I haven't succeeded in working out any sort of personal ethical system in which the belief is truly defensible instead of just selfishly convenient.
— David Foster Wallace, Consider the Lobster and Other Essays
Human beings are never to be treated as a means but always as ends.
— Immanuel Kant
I am not well-versed in theory, but in my view, the cow deserves her life. As does the ram. As does the ladybug. As does the elephant. As do the fish, and the dog and the bee; as do other sentient beings. I will always be in favor of veganism as a minimum because I believe that sentient beings have a right not to be used as someone else's property. They ask us to be brave for them, to be clear for them, and I see no other acceptable choice but to advocate veganism. If these statements make me a fundamentalist, then I will sew a scarlet F on my jacket so that all may know I'm fundamentally in favor of nonviolence; may they bury me in it so that all will know where I stood.
— Vincent J. Guihan
Counsel involving right and wrong should never be sought from a man who does not say his prayers.
— Fulton J. Sheen
Seek not that your sons and your daughters should not see visions, should not dream dreams; seek that they should see true visions, that they should dream noble dreams. Such out-going of the imagination is one with aspiration, and will do more to elevate above what is low and vile than all possible inculcations of morality.
— George MacDonald, A Dish of Orts
Deplorable practices adopted during the last century were repeatedly declared necessary if regrettable in order to win the war. Oddly enough, we've yet to win. You'd think somebody would have asked before this why the regrettable but necessary measures haven't actually produced the promised results.
— Jack Campbell, Courageous
The limitation of the ethical phenomenon to its place and time does not imply its rejection but, on the contrary, its validation. One does not use canons to shoot sparrows.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Ethics
Tut, tut. We can't let mere sentiment intrude. This is Science.
— K.W. Jeter, Infernal Devices
Each of us lives with a sword over his head.There are those who can ignore its shadow and those who cannot. Those who cannot are not necessarily better than those who can. But they are the creators of the special myth of their time, because any myth is the creation of the very few who cannot bear reality.
— Murray Kempton, Part of Our Time: Some Ruins & Monuments of the Thirties
Since I was a small girl, I have lived inside this cottage, shelted by its roof and walls. I have known of people suffering—I have not been blind to them in the way that privilege allows, the way my own husband and now my daughter are blind. It is a statement of fact and not a judgement to say Charlie and Ella’s minds aren’t oriented in that direction; in a way, it absolves them, whereas the unlucky have knocked on the door of my consciousness, they have emerged from the forest and knocked many times over the course of my life, and I have only occasionally allowed them entry. I’ve done more than nothing and much less than I could have. I have laid inside, beneath a quilt on a comfortable couch, in a kind of reverie, and when I heard the unlucky outside my cottage, sometimes I passed them coins or scraps of food, and sometimes I ignored them altogether; if I ignored them, they had no choice but to walk back into the woods, and when they grew weak or got lost or were circled by wolves, I pretended I couldn’t hear them calling my name.
— Curtis Sittenfeld, American Wife
No one is without Christianity, if we agree on what we mean by the word. It is every individual's individual code of behavior, by means of which he makes himself a better human being than his nature wants to be, if he followed his nature only. Whatever its symbol—cross or crescent or whatever—that symbol is man's reminder of his duty inside the human race. Its various allegories are the charts against which he measures himself and learns to know what he is. It cannot teach man to be good as the textbook teaches him mathematics. It shows him how to discover himself, evolve for himself a moral code and standard within his capacities and aspirations, by giving him a matchless example of suffering and sacrifice and the promise of hope.
— William Faulkner
... primitive times had required primitive obedience, that later generations evolved to the point where parents offered themselves as sacrifice - as in the dark knights of the ovens which pocked old earth history - and that current generations had to deny any command for sacrifice. Sol had written that whatever God now took in human consciousness - whether as a mere manifestation of the subconscious in all its revanchist needs or as a more conscious attempt at philosophical and ethical evolution - humankind could no longer agree to offer up sacrifice in God's name. Sacrifice and the agreement to sacrifice had written human history in blood.
— Dan Simmons, The Fall of Hyperion
There are already plenty of people who will take a firm stand on the need to be competely impartial between right and wrong.
— Martin Cohen, 101 Ethical Dilemmas
ethics is not about platitudes, let alone tautologies, logic or mathematics, but about difficult choices - dilemmas.
— Martin Cohen, 101 Ethical Dilemmas
Would you agree," he said, "that man's sole duty is to produce as much pleasure as possible?""Only if the pleasure produced is equivalent to the diminution of pain." My father crossed his arms. "And only if one man's pleasure is as important as any other's.
— Susan Hubbard, The Society of S
He sells his loyalties to the highest bidder. Shouldn’t even a mercenary have morals? That’s the textbook definition of a whore!
— Nadia Scrieva
Some people say they love animals and yet harm them nonetheless
—  I'm glad those people don't love me.
Men with power had the responsibility to know what was best, and they so rarely did.
— Beck Sherman, Revamp
Every skill and every inquiry, and similarly every action and rational choice, is thought to aim at some good; and so the good had been aptly described as that at which everything aims.
— Aristotle
[At the scene of a murder]The cats' bloodthirst was normal; it was the way God had made them. They were hunters, they killed for food and to train their young--well maybe sometimes for sport. But this violent act by some unknown human had nothing to do with hunting--for a human to brutally maim one of the own kind out of rage or sadism or greed was, to Joe and Dulcie (the cats), a shocking degradation of the human condition. To imagine that vicious abandon in a human deeply distressed Dulcie; she did not like thinking about humans that way.
— Shirley Rousseau Murphy, Cat in the Dark
What interests me, personally, is work which in some way, speaks the truth to power…I don’t think we speak the truth to power for power’s ear, but for the ear and the imagination of future generations, who would seek to live in a world free from the malign and self-serving influence of those who wield it.
— Irvine Welsh
Gray is not a substitute for black and white. You don’t bump into people without saying you’re sorry. When you shake hands, it’s supposed to mean something. If someone is in trouble, you reach out.
— Jon M. Huntsman Sr., Essential Lessons on Leadership
Finding a new ethics or esthetics, as Dr. Douglass asks, will not put us in a state of grace. Existence is not given meaning by importing it into a revelation from the outside. The meaning is —there, in more closely contacting the actual situation, the only situation that there is, whatever it is. As our situation is, closely contacting it would surely result in plenty of trouble and perhaps in terrible social conflicts, terrible opportunities and duties, during which we might learn something and at the end of which we might know something, even a new ethics; for it is in such conflicts that new ethics are discovered. But it is just these conflicts that we do not observe happening. Everybody talks nice. At most there is some unruliness and dumb protest, and some withdrawal.So urging the juveniles to go to church is not serious, for how will the church give them faith? What opportunity will it open?
— Paul Goodman, Growing Up Absurd
Consider the recent financial crisis and its link to faulty reward systems. President Bill Clinton's objective of increasing homeownership by rewarding potential home buyers and lenders is one example. The Clinton administration "went to ridiculous lengths" to increase homeownership in the United State, promoting "paper-thin down payments" and pushing lenders to give mortgage loans to unqualified buyers according to Business Week editor Peter Coy.
— Max H. Bazerman
I can't do everything for you. You must walk alone to find your soul.
— Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
Reach deep within, and reconnect with the essence of your being.
— Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason
Who are you?How can one person be gregarious and a recluseOpen and closed at the same timeInvincibly vulnerableEmotionally indifferent to what's going on around youWhat happened to you?That the same walls you built are now crushing youYou call them friends albeit they really don't know youYou are but a gypsy in their livesA nomad just passing throughWhy are you staring back at me?Answer me!Mirror mirror, LET ME IN!
— Evy Michaels
Sometimes all we need to soothe our soul and ease our burdens is the loving hand of a friend gently touching our heart and lifting us towards love
— Mimi Novic
Clarity within your vibrational energy embraces the journey of your soul giving you clear direction.
— Debbie A. Anderson
Some people will leave you soon no matter how, but it's not the ending of your story, it's just the ending of their role in your story. cause life goes on, and you should just expect damage from others.
— Marouane LAASSAFAR
it’s a lifetime process to figure out how to fill your soul.
— Jennifer Mattern
I spend my days trying to remember what only my soul knows but my mind can't comprehend.
— Raneem Kayyali
Let me be in your inspiration.
— Lailah Gifty Akita
Even God would say"Finish the task you have undertaken". He would never recommend breaking her mother's heart, damaging her parents' lives. "Your mother and then your mother and then your mother," the Prophet had said, "and then your father." But what about her own life? What is to become of that?
— Ahdaf Soueif
The sun rises each morning to shed light on the things we may have overlooked the day before.
— Tyler J. Hebert
In the grand scheme of life, nobody grows old keeping their soul unblemished.
— A.J. Darkholme, Rise of the Morningstar
Being able to feel love, loyalty, gratitude and happiness means you have a soul? Then all my pets are bound for heaven.
— Jury Nel
The best writing is when one writes from the soul
— Ndiritu Wahome, The Sad Artist and Other Fairytales
Life is about enjoying the journey, not the end destination.
— Molly Friedenfeld
The soul often hangs in a balance of some sort. Tonight do I lie down in the high fields with Dirk Tanner or not? At the fair, do I buy ribbons or wine? For the new ferry’s headboard, do I use camphor or pearwood? Small things. A kiss, a ribbon, a grain that coaxes the knife this way or that. They are not, Kit Meinem of Atyar. Our souls wait for our answer because any answer changes us. This is why I wait to decide what I feel about your bridge. I’m waiting until I know how I will be changed.”	“You never know how things will change you,” Kit said.	“If you don’t, you have not waited to find out.
— Kij Johnson, The Man Who Bridged the Mist
Nobel intentions have no real meaning to them if you don't do it solely for you. Do it to satisfy your soul, not theirs. Don't do it in hope that it earns you a reward at the end, instead let the reward be the beauty created as a result of your actions.
— Kendal Rob
When you smile from within good things come to you from without. Just breathe, your music will come.
— Lisa Fantino, Amalfi Blue, lost & found in the south of Italy
When we are happy, we forget to eat. Then happiness is a primary need, even more important for life than nourishing the body.
— Rossana Condoleo
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.
— Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book
Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.(Applaud, my friends, the comedy is 
— Ludwig van Beethoven
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
— Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Ash nodded. “Look for Oberon or Mab,” he said grimly, scanning the battlefield. “They’ll likely be on opposite sides of the river. Try not to engage anything, Goodfellow. We don’t want a fight — we just want to get the scepter to the queen.”“Don’t kid yourself, Prince.” Puck grinned and drew his daggers, pointing to Ash with the tip. “You’re a traitor, Meghan’s the Summer princess, and I’m Robin Goodfellow. I’m sure the ranks of Unseelie will just let us waltz right through.
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Daughter
And I must draft an advertisement for the Daily Prophet, too,' he added thoughtfully. 'We'll be needing a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.... Dear me, we do seem to run through them, don't we?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of a comedy.
— Arthur Schopenhauer, The World as Will and Representation, Vol 1
I'm standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.
— Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Shattered Mirror
Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats.""Dead cats?""You know, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide.""Feline genocide?""Yeah. If you don't explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, 'Here, kitty kitty kitty,' no cats will come running; they'll just-" Walter suddenly stopped."What's wrong?" Ashley asked.Walter stared straight ahead. "I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference." ~Walter~
— Bryan Davis
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!
— Lewis Black
Are you all right?” he asked Olivia. His heart was still racing with terror that she’d been hurt. “I heard a woman scream.”“Ah, that would have been me,” Sebastian said.Harry looked down on his cousin, face frozen in disbelief. “You made that noise?”“It hurt,” Sebastian bit off.Harry fought not to laugh. “You scream like a leettle girl.
— Julia Quinn, What Happens in London
What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth
— Brandon Mull, Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary
I fart in your general direction.
— Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age.""I thought you liked redheads.""I do. What's your point?
— Christopher Moore, Sacré Bleu: A Comedy d'Art
He squinted at me. "What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?
— Janet Evanovich, High Five
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful. 
— Bill Cosby
Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!
— Jeff Kinney, Rodrick Rules
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
— Jon Stewart
It's like a fairy tale. . . on crack!
— Hillary DePiano, The Love of Three Oranges: A Play for the Theatre That Takes the Commedia Dell'arte of Carlo Gozzi and Updates It for the New Millennium
He looked like every glossy frat boy in every nerd movie ever made, like every popular town boy who’d ever looked right through her in high school, like every rotten rich kid who’d ever belonged where she hadn’t.My mama warned me about guys like you.He turned to her as if he’d heard her and took off his sunglasses, and she went down the steps to meet him, wiping her sweaty palms on her dust-smeared khaki shorts. “Hi, I’m Sophie Dempsey,” she said, flashing the Dempsey gotta-love-me grin as she held out her hot, grimy hand, and after a moment he took it.His hand was clean and cool and dry, and her heart pounded harder as she looked into his remote, gray eyes.“Hello, Sophie Dempsey,” her worst nightmare said. “Welcome to Temptation.
— Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
— Bill Hicks
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious
— Peter Ustinov
I was just thinking... isn't it lucky that we decided to become co-editors? If one takes a blow to the head, the other can fill in. If the other's lung spontaneoulsy collapses, the one can fill in. It's a perfect system once you think about it."~Will Landsman
— Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac
He stopped to rest at a cart selling nuts and candy, bought himself some Jelly Belly's, flirted just enought with the Mexican cutie working there to convince her pull out the banana-flavored one. Although he liked his Jelly Belly's mixed up, he didn't like banana, but, since it took too much effort to pull them out himself, he generally tried to talk someone else into doing it. If that didn't work, he just ate 'em.- Kenny Traveler
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Lady Be Good
The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.
— Janet Evanovich, Hot Six
Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.
— Janet Evanovich, High Five
No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton
— Bryan Davis, Circles of Seven
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism
—  to steal from many is research.
College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.
— Jeffrey Eugenides, The Marriage Plot
[Comedies], in the ancient world, were regarded as of a higher rank than tragedy, of a deeper truth, of a more difficult realization, of a sounder structure, and of a revelation more complete. The happy ending of the fairy tale, the myth, and the divine comedy of the soul, is to be read, not as a contradiction, but as a transcendence of the universal tragedy of man.... Tragedy is the shattering of the forms and of our attachments to the forms; comedy, the wild and careless, inexhaustible joy of life invincible.
— Joseph Campbell
To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.
— Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress
Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.
— Alan Rickman
Applaud my friends, the comedy is over...[on his death bed]
— Ludwig van Beethoven
He stares at me, and then leans back in his chair. "He's ill, Jacob."I say nothing. "He's a paragon schnitzophonic.""He's what?!""Paragon schnitzophonic," repeats Uncle Al. "You mean paranoid schizophrenic?""Sure. Whatever. But the bottom line is he's mad as a hatter...
— Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants
Adieu, Lord Dain,” she answered without turning her head. “Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting. He told himself to laugh and return to his… cows.
— Loretta Chase, Lord of Scoundrels
If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!
— Janet Evanovich
Because I'm on the phone, Mom!""Fooling around with your friends again! Who is that?""Ahmadinejad.""Oh, my goodness! What is he saying?""That he wants to see Jeezy at the Beacon tonight. Putin's going too. He scalped a ticket from Kim Jong Il. All tha gangstas are going.""Don't be so fresh, young man!""Gotta go," he says to me. "Enemy forces have dropped a Momshell.""Fall back, solider. Over and out.
— Jennifer Donnelly, Revolution
... Corellian curses being a synergistic blend of vulgarity, obscenity, and outright blasphemy that were the only things really worth saying when one was in the middle of being blown to monatomic dust.
— Matthew Woodring Stover
We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.
— Bruce Robinson, Withnail and I: the Original Screenplay
hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!
— Mary Amato, Please Write in This Book
Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.
— Kira4Inu, Last Shred of Hope
Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.
— Angela Carter, Wise Children
I am going to kill you," he hissed.She gulped. "Don't you want to lecture me first?"He stared at her with a heavy dose of stupefaction."I take that back," he said with precisely clippedwords. "First I am going to strangle you, and then I am going to kill you.""Here?" she asked doubtfully, looking around. "Won't my dead body look suspicious in the morning?
— Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress
That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
— Bill Cosby
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
— Gerald R. Ford
My father hired you to protect me," Ahmed said, "not to go off chasing men." Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. "We think this guy killed Fred." "Who's Fred?" "My uncle," I told him. "He's married to Mabel." "Ah so you're avenging a murder in the family. This is a good thing.
— Janet Evanovich, High Five
Sir Eustace was with Royce and Stefan looking over some maps when he was informed by the guard that the ladies were asking for him. "Is there no end to her arrogance!" Royce bit out, referring to Jenny. "She even sends her guards on errands, and what's more, they run to do her bidding." Checking his tirade, he said shortly, "I assume it was the blue-eyed one with the dirty face who sent you?"Sir Lionel chuckled and shook his head. "I saw two clean faces, Royce, but the one who talked to me had greenish eyes, not blue.""Ah, I see," Royce said sarcastically, "it wasn't Arrogance that sent you trotting away from your post, it was Beauty. What does she want?
— Judith McNaught, A Kingdom of Dreams
Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help." Rhoan"Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I'm totally serious." Riley
— Keri Arthur
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
— Craig Ferguson
I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
— Bruce Robinson, Withnail and I: the Original Screenplay
Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
— Doug Stanhope
It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.
— Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.
— Dave Matthes, Sleepeth Not, the Bastard
Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of 'N Sync we'd want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. JoeyFatone's last name was going to be “Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn't know at theirage that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he'd make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn't trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise.
— Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. "If I might be so bold, my lady-""Perriwick!" Blake roared. "If I hear the phrase 'if I might be so bold' one more time, as God is mywitness, I'm going to toss you into the channel!""Oh dear," Penelope said. "Perhaps he does have the fever, after all.Perriwick , what do you think?"The butler reached for Blake's forehead, only to have his hand nearly bitten off. "Touch me and die,"Blake snarled.
— Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress
Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.
— Jasper Fforde, One of Our Thursdays Is Missing
Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Author's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you.
— Christopher Moore, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Well, possibly," I said, feeling my lips twitch again. "But maybe first you would tell us why you chose to manifest yourself in the form of Shirley Temple as last seen on the 'Good Ship Lollipop'?"The demon twirled around, its big pink sash fluttering as it smoothed down its dress and frilly little petticoat. "My grotesque form isn't making you sick with fright?"We both shook our heads, Noelle with a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. "Shirley Temple at her pinnacle was frightening," I finally told it, "but not in the sense I think you mean.
— Katie MacAlister, Sex and the Single Vampire
Sebastian,” Katarina said, turning to her nephew. “You’ve grown.” “It happens,” Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin.“Goodness,” she said with smile, “you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet.It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn’t all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared.
— Julia Quinn, What Happens in London
One does not have humor. It has you.
— Larry Gelbart
[T]he most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing--such as making love.
— G.K. Chesterton
Pamela, I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me - and the way you are with me - and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m going to live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream. You were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you, Pamela. It’s like a condition. It’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you. And I can’t be with you. So I’m gonna die - and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back it’s like greedy.
— Louis C.K.
There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.
— Bob Newhart
Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting fucked.
— David Mamet, Speed-The-Plow
It could be worse... It could be raining
— Marty Feldman
In comedy laughter settles all arguments.
— Robert McKee, Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting
DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won't go free.APOLLORelax, I'm not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you're breaking no laws?APOLLOI always carry a bow, it's my trademark.
— Anne Carson, Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides
It is the custom on the stage: in all good, murderous melodramas: to present the tragic and the comic scenes, in as regular alternation, as the layers of red and white in a side of streaky, well-cured bacon. The hero sinks upon his straw bed, weighed down by fetters and misfortunes; and, in the next scene, his faithful but unconscious squire regales the audience with a comic song. We behold, with throbbing bosoms, the heroine in the grasp of a proud and ruthless baron: her virtue and her life alike in danger; drawing forth a dagger to preserve the one at the cost of the other; and, just as our expectations are wrought up to the highest pitch, a whistle is heard: and we are straightway transported to the great hall of the castle: where a grey-headed seneschal sings a funny chorus with a funnier body of vassals, who are free of all sorts of places from church vaults to palaces, and roam about in company, carolling perpetually.Such changes appear absurd; but they are not so unnatural as they would seem at first sight. The transitions in real life from well-spread boards to death-beds, and from mourning weeds to holiday garments, are not a whit less startling; only, there, we are busy actors, instead of passive lookers-on; which makes a vast difference. The actors in the mimic life of the theatre, are blind to violent transitions and abrupt impulses of passion or feeling, which, presented before the eyes of mere spectators, are at once condemned as outrageous and preposterous.
— Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist
Few people actually read. Instead, everyone likes pretending they read. If we spent as much time reading as we say we do, we'd be grossly overweight and depressed.
— Dan Wilbur, How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life
Your boss loves your ideas ... it's you he doesn't care about.
— Steven Charles
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
— Craig Ferguson
You know, you can always do a three some.”“A three some?” I frowned. “No.”He shrugged. “Just a thought.”“Yeah, a dumb one,” I spat.“Hey! I didn’t call your idea to re-wallpaper the kitchen a dumb idea!”“You have a problem with the new paper?” I demanded.“Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.
— Kira4Inu, The Masochist
Before we left home, my hair had already started to fall apart. I decided to pull it into a bun high on my head and attach one of those fake hair things that look like a nest of cute curls. I slapped a tiara on my head and was good to go. I had my weave, my girdle, and my tiara. I was ready to party!
— Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?
— Adele Griffin, Tighter
A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long a comedy is played out by an incomparable actor.
— Champfleury, The Cat Past and Present
is there any I could get a glass of water?"[waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty..... Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago... who had figured out a way to do just that but he is long gone and with him the secret. It had something to do with a glass rack and a faucet but no one has been able to put the pieces together so I must say no there is no way. HOW I WISH THERE WAS A WAY!!!
— Brian Regan
That bloody bastard! That thrice accursed son of a bitch!
— Cornelia Funke, Inkspell
Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish "shrek" mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.
— Saira Viola, Slide, a Modern Satire on the Excess of Greed
A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored
— Jun Mochizuki
under the gold standard, a free banking system stands as the protector of an economy's stability and balanced growth... The abandonment of the gold standard made it possible for the welfare statists to use the banking system as a means to an unlimited expansion of credit... In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation
— Alan Greenspan
Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we're certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our own sort of way. Of course we want to keep our health but as far as anything else is concerned, we'll leave it to You. Thank You.
— Moss Hart, You Can't Take it With You
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
— Josh Stern
Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech
— Colley Cibber, The Plays of Colley Cibber
A comedy isn’t about being funny...a comedy is about characters who dare to know that they may choose a happy ending after all.
— Gary D. Schmidt, The Wednesday Wars
She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.
— Patrick Major Dallas OR
No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.
— Harold Ramis
Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.
— Daniel Prokop, Leaving Neverland: Why Little Boys Shouldn't Run Big Corporations
BALLS! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them HERE, and we want them NOW.
— Bruce Robinson, Withnail and I: the Original Screenplay
I found myself surrounded by really old veterans wearing hats that said, "Retired Marine - SEMPER FI." These hats didn't appear to fit on their heads, but instead seemed to hover over them.At one point, I mistakenly tried to take the last box of crackers that a veteran also wanted. He started yelling, "I ran away from home at seventeen, lied about my age, and joined the Corps! I fought in World War II, Korea, and NAM! I have no cartilage in my right knee! It's bone-on-bone, but every morning I run six miles! I did not sacrifice my knee for this country to come here today and have you disrespect me at the commissary. Oooh-RAH!"I dropped the crackers and walked away.
— Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her "Dildo" and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!
— Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.
— Joe Rogan
What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?
— Booth
Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.
— Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons because they had perpetrated the attacks on the Twin Towers.There was no way we could convince her of the difference. We'd just smile and not. "That's right, Grandma, all the Mormons got together on September 11th and ran their bicycles into the Twin Towers!
— Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
The girdle went from just under my breasts to the top of my knees. It cinched me in pretty tight. In fact, it was so tight that when I sat in it and farted, the farts would slide up my back, shoot out the top of the girdle, and make my hair fly off the back of my beck.
— Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
Any game plan? (Xypher)Don't die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry
Pregnancy is a very tough experience for a female, have no doubt. But, it's not a walk in the park for a man either. Understanding on both sides is key
— James Perrin
Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
— Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
Sam: I've never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.
— Jaime Reed, Living Violet
To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.
— Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren't we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?' he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. 'A bit of a crush in the vestibule, here, Mamma! If we start crying, there'll be an explosion. Never mind, I'll be there to collect the bits--just like an antiquary.''Now, there's the language of true French gallantry,' murmured Madame Vauquer in an aside to Madame Couture.
— Honoré de Balzac, Père Goriot
He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.
— Paula McLain, The Paris Wife
Mankind is immortalin the comic perspective not by virtue of man's subjugation of naturebut by virtue of man's subjection to it. The "fall" in tragedy ends indeath; the fall in comedy ends in bed, where, by natures's arithmetic,one and one make a brand new one.
— Rose A. Zimbardo
Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.
— Mary Chase, Harvey
It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.
— Goldy Moldavsky, No Good Deed
If you want to get results in your life try with comedy... first pressure then apply comedy. Always it shallow the shitty life-pressure!
— Deyth Banger, Deep Legend
Comedy was invented to make people forget,That the plays of our lives were originally written as tragedies.
— Cody Edward Lee Miller
I understand the, um, difficulty the French expatriates might have, especially after projects in Brazil, Mexico, and Colombia. My heart goes out to you all.’ Katrina wished she could control that stupid smile that was aching to spread on her face as Luc Gautier became bright red. ‘But this is Chennai . . . South India. Not even your largest glass manufacturing facility with 1,000-tonne capacity per day will save you from being slapped.
— Cécile Rischmann, The French Encounter
Nihilism is a subject for comedy.
— Marty Rubin
Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.
— Bram Stoker, Dracula
There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.
— Jim  Jefferies
Cath exhaled. Then inhaled. Her chest was so tight, it hurt both ways. Levi shouldn't get to make her feel this way - he shouldn't even have access to her chest.
— Rainbow Rowell
Dat's a some joke, Hey Boss.
— Chico Marx
Tragedy and comedy involve an audience, so they must give--sharing themselves to elicit tears and laughter. Melodrama is not such a strategist. It meets no one's expectation but its internal need to feel.
— Yiyun Li, Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life
If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable.
— Michaela Haze, The Bleeders
No,” he said after a pause, “the true art of the gods is the comic. The comic is a condescension of the divine to the world of man; it is the sublime vision, which cannot be studied, but must ever be celestially granted. In the comic the gods see their own being reflected as in a mirror, and while the tragic poet is bound by strict laws, they will allow the comic artist a freedom as unlimited as their own. They do not even withhold their own existence from his sports. Jove may favor Lucianos of Samosata. As long as your mockery is in true godly taste you may mock at the gods and still remain a sound devotee. But in pitying, or condoling with your god, you deny and annihilate him, and such is the most horrible of atheisms.
— Karen Blixen, Sorrow Acre
Astrophil and Stella," he said, taking my hand. "The name 'Astrophil' is derived from two Greek words that, when combined, mean 'star-lover.'""So, what does that mean?"Oliver tilted his head and looked up at the sky. "That Stella is the star of his life.
— Ali Novak, The Heartbreakers
i prefer to think of the good times. Like when you held my hair as I was vomiting into a bucket.
— Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom
I know for a fact that I would be awful if I was built like Serena Williams or Jennifer Lopez... If I had a body remotely close to what they have, I would be a terror. My ass would cause me to do really inappropriate and rude things. I'd be so ridiculous that people would be able to pick my labia out of a lineup. I'd wear zero clothes any- and everywhere, every day. I'd show up at church rocking a denim thong and a cropped T-shirt and have the nerve to sit right next to the head usher and dare her to say anything to me. And if anyone did say something to me, I'd tell them, "Jesus blessed me in many ways, and I am just showing off His works. HALLELUJAH." People would be disgusted and appalled by me and I wouldn't care. All insults would bounce off my ample backside. To whom much is given, much is required, and I'd require that my much would be given nary an inch of fabric. I'd hire a band whose sole job would be to follow me around and play theme music for my yansh, based on the mood I was in... I might opt to walk backwards into any room I entered, because why not?... I might also declare my booty its own limited liability corporation, assigning myself as CEO and chairman of the Donk. My jeans would be tax-deductible business expenses, and I would add my ass to my LinkedIn profile's Skills section. Everyone would throw hate ration in my dancery, and I wouldn't even see it, protected as I would be by the throne I sat atop.
— Luvvie Ajayi, I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual
Human life is an incongruous combination of tragedy and comedy.
— Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls
Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a, e, i, o, u.
— Tom Magliozzi, Car Talk Science: Mit Wants Its Diplomas Back
How do you keep a mattress on the roof of your car from flying?”	“Yeah, well, I don’t know how many people know it, but a lot of people have learned that putting your arm up there to hold the mattress is not going to work.
— Tom Magliozzi, Car Talk Science: Mit Wants Its Diplomas Back
It turns out that we’re not the only ones who go out on a scientific limb as we discuss or attempt to discuss cars, car repairs and scientific education in America today.
— Tom Magliozzi, Car Talk Science: Mit Wants Its Diplomas Back
Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.
— Mack Sennett, King of Comedy
Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you’ll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse.
— Tom Magliozzi, Car Talk Science: Mit Wants Its Diplomas Back
SIMPSONS BLUFFER'S RULE #2The competent bluffer should always refer to the performers who play The Simpsons as 'the voice talent' never 'actors'.For extra effect, drop their first names... This implies some tacit familiarity and your bluffee will simply melt before your eyes like the witch in The Wizard of Oz
— Paul Couch, The Bluffer's Guide to The Simpsons
One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldn't ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. It's a tough business, and often things don't work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others' success is a highly toxic waste of time.
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
People deceive themselves, or deceive each other, that is the origin of comedy.
— Hsing zhou
Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.
— Criss Jami
If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.
— Judith Stone, Light Elements: Essays in Science from Gravity to Levity
I'm sorry. The Truth 
— Junko, 私がモテてどうすんだ [Watashi ga Motete Dousunda] Vol 1
One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real.
— Rebecca McNutt, Mandy and Alecto: The Collected Smog City Book Series
Comedy should provoke! It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions; comedy should always leave you different than when it found you.
— Duckman (Jason Alexander)
I'm the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet. It has worked well so far.
— Mindy Kaling, Why Not Me?
Worn over the man’s head like a deranged bank robber is a pair of pink cotton panties.
— Dave Lundy, Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery
It’s traumatizing to think that a best friend could become just a friend. That’s because there is virtually no difference between an acquaintance and a friend. But the gulf between a friend and a best friend is enormous and profound. And if I look at it that way, I think I can see the value of a wedding. If you’re my best friend and the only way I get to have dinner with you is by traveling thousands of miles, selecting a chicken or fish option, and wearing a dress in the same shade of lavender as six other girls, I will do that. I won't love it. But I love you.
— Mindy Kaling, Why Not Me?
I lost my mind. I lunged at him and inhaled all of his fries standing up a foot away from the trash can. No food is as delicious as food you eat standing a foot away from a trash can. Ask any possum.
— Mindy Kaling, Why Not Me?