c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.
— Oscar Wilde
Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.”He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.”I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that,” I snapped.“It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.”Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.”“A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.”I flipped him off.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
— Oscar Wilde
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt
— Mark Twain
He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.”“I prefer canine-American,” said Total.
— James Patterson, The Final Warning
Why does everything so bad for you always taste so dreamy?
— Colleen Houck, Tiger's Curse
I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
I can be a regular bitch. Just try me.
— Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton.
— Dean Koontz
You’re not going to let her do this, are you?” Bones snorted. “Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face.
— Shannon Hale, Austenland
My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-''No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
Citizen's arrest," he said. "Well, that, and Patch told me to.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo
Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.'what the hell was that?' I gasped.'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.' 
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?Jamie: Because, he's too busy looking for your brain.
— Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember
There's a name for people with an interest in the moon," Alex said. "They're called lunatics.
— Anthony Horowitz, Crocodile Tears
Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
Just so you know, I hate camping. I'm not so much appreciating the fact that there's no bathroom out here. 'Nature calls' while walking in nature is on my list of least favorite things. You tigers, and men in general, have it so much easier than us girls.
— Colleen Houck, Tiger's Curse
Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over."He raised an eyebrow."That could be easily arranged.
— Aimee Carter, The Goddess Test
Scrawny little mundane bastard.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep.
— Thomas More, Utopia
It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.
— Stephenie Meyer, Midnight Sun
I don't necessarily agree with everything that I say.
— Marshall McLuhan
Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.
— Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón
Didn't know you could measure distance so well with nothing but you bloody eyeballs
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
She shrugged and flipped her glossy hair behind her shoulders. "What else do you have to do with your time besides think about stuff like this? It's not like you're real heavy into extracurriculars. Besides, you're all, like, goth and into the dead, right?"Alona Dare, queen of the insult-compliment. "Wow. Thanks. Anyone ever tell you you're good with people?"She frowned. "No.""Good. I'm not goth.""Your hair is black, you have piercings, you wear black all the time and act all freaky-""My hair is naturally this color. I have three earings in one ear, that's it. This shirt" -I tugged at the fabric across my chest- "is navy blue, and if I act weird all the time, it's because of ghosts like you.
— Stacey Kade, The Ghost and the Goth
There are some people who believe that home is where one hangs one's hat, but these people tend to live in closets and on little pegs.
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.
— Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
— Jill Shalvis, Get A Clue
I am Midnight(cats stare dumbfounded)
— Erin Hunter
Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.
— Jill Shalvis, The Sweetest Thing
On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt at the time.
— John Green
I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke that.
— Jessica Verday, The Hollow
Obstinate, headstrong girl!
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
I do believe in shooting the messenger.You know why? Because it sends a message.
— L.J. Smith, The Awakening / The Struggle
Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses.
— Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
Was it fate? Was it destiny?""I think it was Alan Blunt.
— Anthony Horowitz, Ark Angel
Sh!t. F_ck sh!t.'....'Sh!t f_ck would have also been accepted.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes
If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.
— J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.
— Kresley Cole, Pleasure of a Dark Prince
I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.
— John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces
He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.
— Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude
I was cold, hungry, and in a hole in the ground. But at least I had my elven porn, damnit!
— Kim Harrison, Black Magic Sanction
I doubt you’ve ever been forced to nonstop bang a woman hyped up on the undead voodoo version of Spanish fly, have you?”His chuckle was soft. “Can’t say that I have, Kitten.”“Yeah, well, consider me an original.”This time, when his lips brushed across my skin, it lasted more than a moment.“I always have.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.
— Morgan Matson, Amy & Roger's Epic Detour
-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
— Terry Pratchett, Maskerade
We're going to the Underworld," Izzy said. She bounced a little as she said it, her eyes bright and her tone implying that "the Underworld" was akin to "Candy Land.
— Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
Merlin's pants!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Andrea: "....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix."Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Jack might look my age, but he was like a little kid on a sugar high --- in need of a good spanking. --- Good heavens, that sounded creepy.
— Kiersten White, Supernaturally
Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.
— Carroll Bryant
She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If so, let's roll. I'm ready. My toaster will never be the boss of me. Get ready to make me some Pop-Tarts, bitch.
— Chuck Klosterman
face touchage" "lame-sauce" "Sulky McSulkerton
— Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass
Kiss my ass Rath Roiben Rye
— Holly Black, Tithe
I like fish," chirruped Tunstell."Really, Mr. Tunstell? What is your preferred breed?""Well"--Tunstell hesitated--"you know, the um, ones that"--he made a swooping motion with both hands--"uh, swim.
— Gail Carriger, Changeless
Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don't want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!""Good Heavens!" said Pippin. "At breakfast?
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' B
— Mary Calmes
I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake.""Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?
— Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus
There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.
— Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.
— G.K. Chesterton
I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy.
— Tamora Pierce, Page
It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?
— Amy Neftzger
But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
— Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril
It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.
— Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
The front door swung open, and Zsadist strode into the house. Wrath glared. "Nice of you to show up, Z. Busy tonight with the females?""How about you get off my dick?
— J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
I disliked numbers, and they didn't think much of me either.
— R.J. Anderson, Ultraviolet
I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? " - Tabitha
— Sherrilyn Kenyon
Daddy, What's the horizontal tango?
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
He's given me enough homework to last ten years. I'm gonna die of nerdism.
— Mark A. Cooper, Absolutely Nothing
Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you.
— Louise Rennison, Away Laughing on a Fast Camel
...personal torture instructor...I mean physical therapist.
— Simone Elkeles, Return to Paradise
Still trying to save the world?” “Always,” I said, “and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s working. The world is still here.
— Nicole  Williams, Crash
They're a little strange, but I'm pretty sure neither of them is going to try to make me uncomfortable by stripping naked.
— Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
I don't get why prom is like a mini-wedding these days...No one should spend that kind of money for a high school dance.
— Deb Caletti, The Fortunes of Indigo Skye
I can't help but laugh into my next sip of water. For the first time, mine doesn't seem so bad."I don't know why you're fucking laughing. You have a girl's name and no middle name.
— Krista Ritchie, Addicted for Now
You've got better boobs," I acknowledged. And just as we'd done each time we'd had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at our chests. Ogled. Compared.
— Chloe Neill, Some Girls Bite
If they're not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.
— Carroll Bryant, Children of the Flower Power
What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks.I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say in my best seductive voice.Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.”“Really,” I say. “I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling.
— Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
It’s alright, Kitten,” Bones said. “He won’t shoot.”	Tate lowered his gun, even as the sudden dizziness from blood-loss made me sway.	Bones took my gun and casually handed it to Juan, who gapped at him in amazement. 	“You called her Kitten? And she let you? She put me in a coma for three days when I called her that. My balls never recovered from her smashing them into my spine.”	“And well she should have,” Bones agreed. “She’s mine. Kitten, and no one else’s.
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.
— Jill Shalvis, The Sweetest Thing
Not really a party until someone brings the surprise zombies.
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
I didn't do it,' he insisted.'Then why did you run?' Sabrina asked.'And send rabbits to eat us! I'm a seven-year-old girl,' Daphne said. 'Do you know how important bunny rabbits are to me?
— Michael Buckley, The Unusual Suspects
As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human. A female on her back. And a male facedown not breathing.
— J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?
— Carroll Bryant
Bad artists always admire each others work.
— Oscar Wilde
Wroth, darling,” she purred, smiling so sweetly. “I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free.
— Kresley Cole, The Warlord Wants Forever
We have met the enemy and he is us.
— Walt Kelly
You should go." "I can't." "Because you want to stare at the monster?" Alec's green eyes blaze, but with a wholly human fire now. "Or because you pity me?" I couldn't guess which possibility he loathes more. I fold my arms. "I can't leave because the door's locked. Believe me, I would've gone hours ago if I could have." "Oh. Of course." Then he looks so abashed--so boyish, and so handsome--that I almost want to laugh.
— Claudia Gray, Fateful
Eww," Jack said, and then giggled. "Yeah, and a Paris Hilton doll that had an optional brain."Aphrodite raised her brow at him. "Don't go all crazy. There are some things even Paris Hilton can't buy.
— P.C. Cast, Burned
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".
— Dave Barry
I don't care how impossible it seems.
— David Byrne
She looked like a head-on collision between a fashion plate and a nightmare.
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea
Boredom is not black licorice, Snicket," she said. "There's no reason to share it with me.
— Lemony Snicket, When Did You See Her Last?
For people who like that kind of thing, this is the kind of thing they like.
— Artemus Ward, The Complete Works of Artemus Ward
Has there ever been an Inquisitor who didn't die a horrible death?" Simon wondered out loud. " It's like being the drummer in Spinal Tap.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!
— Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
I was behaving, just like I promised, but fate intervened.
— Katherine Paterson, Preacher's Boy
Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut them off along with other body parts you might want to use one day. Got it?" Jacque told him with as much force as she could put behind her words.
— Quinn Loftis, Prince of Wolves
Yeah, my father is an egotistical douchebag," he says roughly. "My name literally means Jonathan empire.
— Krista Ritchie, Addicted for Now
Moreover, if great men are the only hope of the Evolutionary Process, they are morally bound to rule over the masses for their own good -- we are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don't know -- and the masses have no right whatsoever to resist them.
— W.H. Auden
Jane: "Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our virginity together. He never called me again and actually turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction whenever he saw me on campus. Unless you're going to do that, I don't think were gonna have a problem. Gabriel?"Gabriel: "Sorry. Something strange happened inside my head when you said the word "panties". The overwhelming urge to kill Dave Chandler combined with a simultaneous loss of blood to the brain.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Don't beat yourself up," said Charlotte. "True love can be so easily mistaken for other things-friendship, humane concern, indigestion...
— Shannon Hale, Midnight in Austenland
I lifted my wand, hoping she would see this as a dramatic move, not a threat. “Why once, in my bunker at Charing Cross Station, I stalked thedeadly prey known as Jelly Babies.”Neith’s eyes widened. “They are dangerous?”“Horrible,” I agreed. “Oh, they seem small alone, but they always appear in great numbers. Sticky, fattening—quite deadly. There I was, alonewith only two quid and a Tube pass, beset by Jelly Babies, when…Ah, but never mind. When the Jelly Babies come for you…you will find out onyour own.”She lowered her bow. “Tell me. I must know how to hunt Jelly Babies.”I looked at Walt gravely. “How many months have I trained you, Walt?”“Seven,” he said. “Almost eight.”“And have I ever deemed you worthy of hunting Jelly Babies with me?”“Uh…no.
— Rick Riordan, The Serpent's Shadow
A weapon, I told Horus. I need a weapon.I reached into the Duat and pulled out an ostrich feather.“Really?” I yelled.Horus didn’t answer
— Rick Riordan, The Serpent's Shadow
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
— Jill Shalvis, The Sweetest Thing
If it’s going to be two against one, make sure you aren’t the one.
— Jill Shalvis, The Sweetest Thing
As a purely mathematical fact, people who sleep less live more.
— Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
Accept that some days you’re the bug, and some days you’re going to be the windshield.
— Jill Shalvis, The Sweetest Thing
He swallowed. “Have you no modesty?” Never in his life had he encountered a female so quick to be naked. Of course, he’d never in his life encountered a female who should so utterly be naked at any chance.
— Kresley Cole, The Warlord Wants Forever
There are all kinds of psychological disorders in the West that don't exist in Asia.
— Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
‎"If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.
— Kelley Armstrong, Spell Bound
Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big.
— Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
And I'll wash your other clothes. Shall I also order you a new set of leathers?""Don't-" Wrath shut his mouth. "Sure. That'd be great. And, ah, could you get me some boxers? Black? XXL?
— J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land."(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)
— Dave Barry, Peter and the Starcatchers
Otis barreled towards them empty-handed, before apparently realizing that a) he was empty-handed and b) charging towards a large body of water to fight a son of Poseidon was maybe not a good idea.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
I would never have broken up with you," I said earnestly. "I'm more miserable without you than I am with you." As soon as that sentence came out I groaned, because I knew how bad it sounded.But Declan laughed. "Vintage Simon Murray comment.
— Sean Kennedy, Tigers and Devils
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
— Erma Bombeck
Okay, boys.” Pestilence's grating voice rang out. “Kill the human and the mutt, and let's get this Apocalypse started!
— Larissa Ione, Eternal Rider
With a regrettable sigh he shook his head."I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out.""What the hell are you doing, Trevor?" Hankdemanded anxiously. No doubt the manwouldn't be getting laid tonight, but Trevorcouldn't help it. He had his standards andthis woman failed them."Maybe we could go grab a cup of coffeesomewhere and get to know-"He held up his hand, stopping her before shemade an even bigger fool out of herself."Please stop.""But, I was only-""Don't beg.""I wasn't. I was just-""Begging?" Trevor guessed, sighing. "I know,but you're going to have to accept that thiswould never work out."She frowned up at him. "I wasn't begging. Iwas just going to suggest that we should-""Look," he said, reaching for the door, "thiss just getting sad. I'm just going to go beforethings get out of hand.
— R.L. Mathewson, Perfection
In the middle of the night I am awakened by a sound. I sit up abruptly in bed. I hear it again. It's music. Wait, it sounds like the ice cream man, in our house. Is this some kind of twisted nightmare? The flipping ice cream man, breaking in to chop us all up in our beds to the tune of 'Zippity Do Dah'?... My heart slows. I remember. There is no psycho ice cream man here. It is just our new musical soap dispenser...
— Deb Caletti, The Fortunes of Indigo Skye
I'm more of a dog person. But I admire cats and their ability to take so much while giving so little.
— Jeri Smith-Ready, Wicked Game
Two fairies were sleeping peacefully on his bed. Dinnie was immediately depressed. He knew that he did not have enough money to see a therapist.
— Martin Millar, The Good Fairies of New York
I nod and smile and smile and nod, and when she turns away, I form a gun with my hand, place it to my temple, and pull the trigger. This girl is starved for attention. It's amazing to me when people are totally unaware of how bad they are at socializing.
— Victoria Scott, The Collector
She narrowed her eyes and concentrated on his mouth. Name. He wanted her name. She had to think about it for a second before she remembered. Great. She must have hit her head. Which, duh, explained the headache.
— Larissa Ione, Pleasure Unbound
There is no need to masturbate your brain, just to ejaculate your thoughts all over the place
— Carroll Bryant
Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.
— Regina Griffin
She is an incredibly intelligent idiot
— Gillian Flynn, The Grownup
My best days are Monday through Friday, and Saturday and Sunday." "Ian," Wesley noted, "that covers the whole week." Ian nods his head. "Pretty much.
— Carroll Bryant, Children of the Flower Power
Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.
— Ogden Nash
If you don't have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?
— Elizabeth Eulberg, Prom and Prejudice
Here you go, dear."" The corners of Mrs. Colbert's mouth curled up. "You like meat, don't you?"Emily blinked. Was it her, or did that statement seem...loaded? She checked Issac for his reaction, but he was innocently selecting a roll from a wicker basket. "Uh, thanks." Emily said, pulling the platter toward her. She did like meat. The kind you, um, eat.
— Sara Shepard, Killer
Note to self-give serious thought to becoming an alcoholic.
— Jill Shalvis, Get A Clue
It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.
— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys
Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card...
— Jill Shalvis, Get A Clue
(Malory, unhopeful: "I don't suppose you have any tea?" Jesse: "DO YOU WANT EARL GREY OR DARJEELING?" Malory: "Oh, sweet heavens!")
— Maggie Stiefvater, Blue Lily, Lily Blue
Even if you haven't had the exclusivity conversation, they're still going to be mad if they find out you're dating someone they know and you haven't mentioned it. It's a dating rule." "Well, how am I supposed to know that rule?" "Everyone knows that rule." "I thought you were supposed to be on my side." "I am on your side!
— Cassandra Clare
You are only limited by your own imagination
— Benny Bellamacina
Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.
— Carroll Bryant
By the Angel, this place is barely better than a penny gaff,” Gideon said. “Gabriel, don’t look at anything unless I tell you it’s all right.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess
Shall I add a man to my collection?
— Patricia A. McKillip, The Forgotten Beasts of Eld
Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Revealed
Oh you two look delicious," Bast said, licking her lips. "No, no-er, I mean wonderful. Now, off you go!
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Jane: "Missy was not so subtly reminding me that she had done something nice for me and here i was being rude when all she was asking me to do was attend a nice party. This was the way southern women worked all peaches & cream laced with arsenic.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)
— Christopher Moore, You Suck
Your ma's dating?" Tim looks shocked. "I thought she pretty much confined herself to a vibrator and the shower nozzle since your dad screwed her over.
— Huntley Fitzpatrick, My Life Next Door
If I had wanted children of my own, I would have gotten married. If I had wanted to get married, I would have fallen in love. If I had wanted to fall in love, I would have met the right girl. If I had wanted to meet the right girl, I would have drank a whole lot less.
— Carroll Bryant
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
As far as the Council is concerned, the U.S. Wardens are a bunch of mushrooms.""Eh?""Kept in the dark and fed on bullshit.
— Jim Butcher, Turn Coat
It wasn’t until someone kicked his legs that Nik woke up. Alek, snoring beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Ban snoring on the other couch, the noise rivaled only by the dog. He looked into the impossibly cranky face of Zach Sheridan. “Y’all get food?” “We had a full refrigerator before you three got here.” “Where I come from, we don’t let the refrigerator get empty.” “Where you come from, you marry your sister.
— Shelly Laurenston, Here Kitty, Kitty!
He also deeply distrusts vampires, as you had guessed yourself,” Bones added. “Aside from that, all I heard was enough repetitions of ‘how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck’ to make me want to stake myself.
— Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time
And you’re kind of like a snowflake.’Oh, Jesus Christ.He masked his fleeting surprise with a quirked eyebrow. ‘Excuse me?’‘Nothing,’ I said quickly. ‘I didn’t say anything.’‘No, no,’ he said, rounding on me so his face was too close, his eyes too searing, his smile too irritating. ‘I’m a snowflake, am I?
— Catherine Doyle, Inferno
Just because you’re allowed to use magic now you don’t have to whip your wands out for every tiny little thing!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I jerk around and see Sister Dora, a portly woman who's the head cook in the kitchen, staring daggers at me. This is nothing new. She stares daggers at everyone who walks through the lunch line holding a tray, as though our needing sustenance is a personal affront.
— Pittacus Lore, The Power of Six
I need some kind of... like... last minute, poorly-set-up deus ex machina!!
— Bryan Lee O'Malley, Scott Pilgrim, Volume 3: Scott Pilgrim & The Infinite Sadness
Steampunk is nothing more than what happens when Goths discover brown.
— Charles Stross
Being here? With you? I've met my subconscious, and he's not that sick.
— Jim Butcher, Ghost Story
Tanner: I think that I might kiss you to keep your lips busy with something other than insulting me.Ella: If you think you can do it without getting lost.
— Melissa Lemon, Cinder and Ella
Billy squinted at me. "Why are you letting them go?""Because they're real.""How do you know?""The one I was holding crapped on my hand.
— Jim Butcher, Summer Knight
literally: This word should be deleted. All too often, actions described as “literally” did not happen at all. As in, “He literally jumped out of his skin.” No, he did not. Though if he literally had, I’d suggest raising the element and proposing the piece for page one. Inserting “literally” willy-nilly reinforces the notion that breathless nitwits lurk within this newsroom. Eliminate on sight—the usage, not the nitwits. The nitwits are to be captured
— Tom Rachman, The Imperfectionists
Damon Scares me,' Maggie said. 'Maybe you should do what he wants.''Can't.''Why not?''Because he killed me. That kind of pisses me off
— D.J. MacHale, The Black
oh, my God," I whispered. "But how did they get my photo?Alex tapped his mouth with his thumb. "That ...book with everyone's picture in it, that you have in high school.""Yearbook," I said. Was he trying to be funny? But of course he was right; that's exactly where it was from.
— L.A. Weatherly
The nursery rhyme ends when a spider comes along and frightens Miss Muffet straight off her tuffet. I have wondered about what kind of lesson this is for a young girl. If you're eating your curds and whey and a spider comes along, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up a newspaper, smashing it, and going back to your breakfast.
— Sloane Crosley, How Did You Get This Number
Today I feel like I did tomorrow.
— Carroll Bryant
Look at you, all Rocky Horror Picture Ho.
— Michelle Rowen, Stakes & Stilettos
Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.
— Carroll Bryant
I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.
— Victor Borge
I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!
— Neil Leckman
My boyfriend dumped me. My best friend won't talk to me. My future is in a garbage can. Everything has turned to crap. Can you please just let me be a sullen teenager. just this once
— J.J.  Johnson, This Girl Is Different
I let out a sound that was definitely not a whimper. It was something far more manly, no matter what it sounded like.
— Brandon Sanderson, Firefight
Time flies when you're falling down"...(not from a book, it's a lyric)
— Courtney Love, Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love
Pink is supposed to weaken your enemies, make them go soft on you, which must be why it's used for baby girls. It's a wonder the military hasn't got on to this.
— Margaret Atwood
You're about as delicate as an AK-47.
— Jill Hathaway, Slide
Those who do not complain are never pitied.
— Jane Austen
I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience.
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I'm a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior and well, sadly, I'm not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I'm a freshman and have been to dances with boys my age and even have gone out with boys, but I've never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway. Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time, when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn't feel so good. I'm pretty sure he didn't have it exactly right. So I talked to my friends, Katie and Lisa, about how to properly make out. But, well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.Just let him take the lead, do what ever he does.Um, couldn't that get me into a lot of trouble?Just sort of kiss his tongue, but try not to drool.Don't open your mouth too wide.And then, just open your mouth wide.See?Stupid, conflicting information.And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!I feel like I'm an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent, and the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the President is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!
— Jillian Dodd, That Boy
She’s a serial kisser. I think her parents are French.
— C.C. Hunter
Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god.He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You warriors are so fucking hung and I really do need a man.
— Caris Roane, Burning Skies
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
— George Carlin
In her small voice, Persephone said, "I have nothing to add." After a moment of consideration, she added, however, "If you are going to punch someone, don't put your thumb inside your fist. It would be a shame to break it.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys
Ease off the martyr throttle.
— Jim Butcher, Grave Peril
I'm sorry, but you just can't fit fabulous into a backpack.
— Samantha Sotto, Before Ever After
You can't beat me. I have the mind of a warlock with adonis DNA. Winning!
— Charlie Sheen
Once upon a time, there was a little creature that was rather small and rather wicked and it lived all alone in the woods. The little creature lived in a little den, at the bottom of a little ravine, filled with not-at-all little brambles and on the edge of a forest that could only be described as really freakin' huge.
— Ursula Vernon
Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs. Colon worked all day and Sargent Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting.
— Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
Could it be? Samantha Kingston? Home? On a Friday?” I roll my eyes. “I don’t know. Did you do a lot of acid in the sixties? Could be a flashback.” “I was two years old in 1960. I came too late for the party.” He leans down and pecks me on the head. I pull away out of habit. “And I’m not even going to ask how you know about acid flashbacks.” “What’s an acid flashback?” Izzy crows. “Nothing,” my dad and I say at the same time, and he smiles at me.
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
A cupcake temple?' Her chest still tight with anxiety, Bertie forced herself to imagine it: bricks of pound cake mortared with buttercream and chocolate ganache, torches like striped birthday candles set into the walls, pilgrims upon the Path of Delectable Righteousness delivering daily tributes of almond paste and raspberry filling. . . .
— Lisa Mantchev, So Silver Bright
You know, there are several gay men on the faculty. Professor Montag makes jelly beans look colorless(...)
— Tara Lain, Genetic Attraction
Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.
— Carroll Bryant
Throughout life try to remember...to always keep your head up high and your middle finger higher!
— Timothy Pina
It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Plum Pie
He dragged me back - just in time. A tree had crashed down on to the side walk, just missing us. Poirot stared at it, pale and upset. "It was a near thing that! But clumsy, all the same - for I had no suspicion - at least hardly any suspicion. Yes, but for my quick eyes, the eyes of a cat, Hercule Poirot might now be crushed out of existence - a terrible calamity for the world. And you, too, mon ami - though that would not be such a national catastrophe." "Thank you," I said coldly.
— Agatha Christie, The Big Four
When does he ever think?" Richard straddled a chair and accepted a wind cup from Raoul. "If he were to sell his brain, he could claim it had never been used.", Chapter 7
— Sharon Kay Penman, Devil's Brood
Once I got home, though, and saw several packages on my front porch, all the crap from the day disappeared. A few had smiley faces on them. Squealing, I grabbed the boxes. Books were inside-- new release books I'd preordered weeks ago.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an ey
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.
— Michael A. Arnzen
Doubt is a lot like faith
—  A mustard's seed worth changes everything.
She spoke under her breath to Nick. "Is there a reason he's only wearing one sock?" "He puked on his foot." "Oh." She turned back to Huxley. "Can we get you another sock? Maybe a blanket or something?
— Julie James, A Lot like Love
Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn't put on enough deodorant for this.
— Jill Shalvis, Animal Magnetism
Seedy wasn't a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal.
— Jim Butcher, Ghost Story
Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?""Yes, but I told him to put his pants back on and go home.
— Christine Warren
Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.
— Addison C. Arthur
What do they say about meeting a bear in the woods? Oh right, you shouldn't. And to make sure you don't, you should make a lot of noise so that they'll will know where you are and keep their distance because, supposedly, they're as nervous of us as we are of them. Which is all goo, except this bear doesn't seem the least bit nervous. He's giving me a look like I'm Goldilocks, ate his porridge, broke his chair, slept in his bed, and now it's payback time."- Widdershins
— Charles de Lint, Widdershins
Leandros's favorite place had turned out not to be vegetarian, but vegan, which was for people who preferred their suicide slow.
— Rob Thurman, Blackout
I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take.
— Elizabeth Peters, A River in the Sky
...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine.
— Jim Butcher, Grave Peril
You got off on the wrong foot. I merely watched you shove it into your mouth.
— Sabrina Jeffries, What the Duke Desires
Oh hell. They've got Mrs B in a bag!
— L.J. Smith
When you by nature subscribe to the view that everyone except yourself is a berk or a wanker, it is hard to bond with anybody in any rational common cause.
— Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).
— Mary Roach, Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal
Where did you get that assault weapon?""Assault weapon?" Zach turned his head to look at her. "Well, lookey there. You're cute when you blush."Maddie's face grew hotter, but at least he'd mistaken the reason for her embarrassment.Zach turned his face back toward the ceiling. "That there's standard equipment, darlin'.""There's nothing standard about that.""I didn't hear you complaining.""Of course not. You sprang it on me when I was mentally incompetent."Zach laughed out loud. "That you were, sweet Maddie that you were." Maddie and Zach
— Suzie Quint, A Knight in Cowboy Boots
I would so rock at running amuck.
— K.C. Randall, Immortal Awakening
Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, "Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too.
— Amy Holder, The Lipstick Laws
She was the only doctor's wife in Branford, Maine, who hung her wash on an outdoor clothesline instead of putting it through a dryer, because she liked to look out the window and see the clothes blowing in the wind. She had been especially delighted, one day, when one sleeve of the top of her husband's pajamas, prodded by the stiff breeze off the bay, reached over and grabbed her nightgown around the waist.
— Lois Lowry, Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye
Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips.
— Charles Dickens
It may have been observed that there is no regular path for getting outof love as there is for getting in. Some people look upon marriage as ashort cut that way, but it has been known to fail.
— Thomas Hardy, Far from the Madding Crowd
I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Cross.”His head popped up a few shelves over. “What?”“Check out the magic crap.”He shot me a look. “Oh, is that what we’re supposed to be doing? Because I’ve just been drawing hearts and our initials in the dirt.”	 Sophie + Archer
— Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn't think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of letting me get to the gym where I would have transformed myself into a walking sex god, he created a Dunkin' Donuts out of nothing and then gave them away for free. I didn't make it to the gym. I had a bear claw instead. And a maple bar. And some donut holes. And then some more donut holes.
— T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real
Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women's panties spontaneously evaporate.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
Just Echo.
— Jun Mochizuki
Elvis!" Min shoved herself off the couch to shoo him away. "Stay away from there. There's broken glass.""He did that on purpose," David said, outraged."Yes, David, the cat is plotting against you." Min fished the base out of the water and glass shards and put it on the table. Then she went to get her wastebasket and began to put the glass pieces in it.
— Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me
The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.
— Will Cuppy
Mister Rob Anybody and sundry others?" said one of the figures in a dreadful voice."There's naebody here o' that name!" shouted Rob Anybody. "We dinna know anythin'!""We have here a list of criminal and civil charges totaling nineteen thousand, seven hundred and sixty-three separate offenses-""We wasna there!" yelled Rob Anybody desperately. "Isn't that right, lads?""-including more than two thousand cases of Making an Affray, Causing a Public Nuisance, Being Found Drunk, Being Found Very Drunk, Using Offensive Language (taking into account ninety-seven cases of Using Language That Was Probably Offensive If Anyone Else Could Understand It), Committing a Breach of the Peace, Malicious Lingering-""It's mistaken identity!" shouted Rob Anybody. "It's no' oour fault! We wuz only standing there an' someone else did it and ran awa'!""-Grand Theft, Petty Theft, Burglary, Housebreaking, Loitering with Intent to Commit a Felony-""We wuz misunderstood when we was wee bairns!" yelled Rob Anybody. "Ye're only picking on us 'cause we're blue! We always get blamed for everythin'! The polis hate us! We wasna even in the country!
— Terry Pratchett
SHUT UP!...PADDLE!
— Ridley Pearson, Disney after Dark
When one is too old for love, one finds great comfort in good dinners.
— Zora Neale Hurston
They put me in a holding cell with a black kid and a white kid and a Chinese kid. We're the United Nations of juvenile delinquents.
— Sherman Alexie, Flight
So here's my theory, and this is such crap science, I don't have to tell you. It's science without microscopes, blood tests, or reality.
— Maggie Stiefvater, Linger
In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale.
— Erma Bombeck
[Mrs. Allen was] never satisfied with the day unless she spent the chief of it by the side of Mrs. Thorpe, in what they called conversation, but in which there was scarcely ever any exchange of opinion, and not often any resemblance of subject, for Mrs. Thorpe talked chiefly of her children, and Mrs. Allen of her gowns.
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words. Pink pastry box. I get a big cup of coffee and finalize my plans for world domination.
— Liza Palmer