c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again.“Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.” Venom raised an eyebrow.“You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.” Ransom gave the vampire the finger. Venom grinned.
— Nalini Singh, Archangel's Consort
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
— John Green
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called "Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.
— Jen Campbell, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
— Robert Fulghum, Maybe, Maybe Not
You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Darkness
I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.
— Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left
Oh that looked painful," called another Puck, a little farther down. "We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron King
If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
— Phyllis Diller
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
— George Carlin
Once again, I've been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I'm currently stuck with.
— Lauren Graham, Someday, Someday, Maybe
Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
— Alfred Hitchcock
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
— Molly Harper
I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says. 'Done,' I say.'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone. 'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.' (Katniss and Boggs)
— Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit. I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I'd never make it. He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not going to let you escape again. You can either take a seat and have dinner with me like a normal date," he grinned at his word choice, "or," he paused thoughtfully then threatened, "you can sit on my lap while I force-feed you.
— Colleen Houck, Tiger's Curse
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
— Jim Morrison
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
— Dorothy Parker
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
That's it, cupcake. You're going down.
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.
— Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain
Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"-Razor
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen
Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.
— Jim Butcher, Fool Moon
I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy.
— Kiersten White, Paranormalcy
Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)
— Ally Carter, I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
I think we're too young to be dating. I mean I don't see what the rush is." Summer says. "Yeah, I agree," said August. "Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
— R.J. Palacio, Wonder
Zoo-Wee Mama!
— Jeff Kinney
You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.""Really?" I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. "Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I'm in a messy room with a total toolbox.
— Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.
— Jennifer Crusie
You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.
— Rachel Gibson, I'm In No Mood For Love
I like pancakes.
— Brandon Mull
I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
— Jim Butcher, Grave Peril
If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.
— Johannes Brahms
All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned
Women are sneaky.
— Patricia Briggs, The Hob's Bargain
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
— Mark Twain
I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I'm sympathetic, it usually means I haven't been around people in awhile.
— John Raptor
I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?""I wouldn't call you that...
— Anthony Horowitz, Scorpia
This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.
— Meg Cabot, Reunion
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
— Yogi Berra
As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.
— P.G. Wodehouse
We made too many wrong mistakes.
— Yogi Berra
I don't mind if you forget me.Having learned my lesson,I never left an impression on anyone.
— Morrissey
Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
— Louise Rennison, Stop in the Name of Pants!
But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.
— J.R. Ward, Crave
You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?" "I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care.
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Americanah
Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn't have a soul.
— Kim Harrison, Dead Witch Walking
Tut, Tut, looks like rain
— A.A. Milne
Hell's bells, irony blows.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
— George Carlin
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
— Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Do you sleep naked?
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
— Roald Dahl, James and the Giant Peach
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
— Chetan Bhagat, 2 States: The Story of My Marriage
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
— Dave Barry, Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!
I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.
— Mae West
I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.
— Maya Banks, Rush
I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
— Jim Butcher, Dead Beat
What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
— Jon Stewart
What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
— P.G. Wodehouse, Carry on, Jeeves
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
— Pittacus Lore, The Rise of Nine
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway! 
— Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
— Dan Wells, Partials
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard.""Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
— Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure
I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.
— Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. 
— George Carlin
BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...
— Tite Kubo, Bleach, Volume 01
Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
— Woody Allen
Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze? 
— Jean Kerr
Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.
— Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl
It was beautiful in a harsh I'm-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.
— Rick Riordan
Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
— Jasper Fforde
Don't be stupid, it's a flying house!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.
— Stephen Wright
He was a writer and words were his weapons.
— Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends
However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
— Meg Cabot, Airhead
Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them...and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen.
— Janette Rallison
When did you become a woman?"-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times..."-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean..." fan club girlsNO! He's my doctor..."Yuki
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
You weren't afraid of me when I was Wolf," he said. "Why are you afraid of Nathan?""He's got big feet!""What?"An insulted-sounding arrroooo came from the other side of the door, a reminder that Wolves also had big ears.
— Anne Bishop, Written in Red
Heifer.”“Rich man’s whore!”“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!
— Shelly Laurenston, Big Bad Beast
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
— Dave Barry
Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?""It depends on whether or not I get an answer.
— Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood
Anthony looked down at his evil clutches -- hands, he reminded himself, hands -- and grinned anew.
— Julia Quinn, The Viscount Who Loved Me
There must be a mistake," I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "That's a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?
— Chelsea M. Cameron, My Favorite Mistake
Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
— Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so.""It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.
— P.G. Wodehouse
He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap."Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.""What?""Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!""You have GOT to be kidding.""Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.
— Al-Maʿarri
The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.
— Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire
Bitten? You mean you're a-""A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials," said Will. "And I do wish she wouldn't sing about poisoning just after we've eaten.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.
— José Saramago
And Flock Rule Number Two is, Don't argue with Max or you'll live to regret it." I spun and stomped out to the clearing, turning back for one last jab at Dylan. "And by the way, you clearly DON'T know me better than Fang does. Do you see Fang arguing with me? No, you do not."Fang rolled his eyes.
— James Patterson
Hallucinations are bad enough. But after awhile you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip-the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs.
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
To me you are a work of art, and I would give you my heart - that's if I had one.
— Morrissey
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know," Simon was getting fed up. "Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I'm something in a petrie dish? Next time I'll send you a photo.""And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," Jace said, but he didn't sound as if his heart was in the sarcasm. "Look, I asked you here for a reason, not to stare at you. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common.""Totally awesome hair?" Simon suggested
— Cassandra Clare
She blew out a breath between gritted teeth. “Sometimes I really want to”—a frustrated sound—“bite you!” He froze. “I might let you.” “I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.
— Nalini Singh, Kiss of Snow
I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”...“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”...“I’m not the devil’s bride.” “He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?
— Susan Ee, World After
Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?" he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.
— Aprilynne Pike, Wings
Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?Yeah, I guess I'm ready, but listen:Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the meaty essence of our humanity. We appreciate the sexual attractant of the rose, the ripeness of the orange, more than we honor our own ripe carnality.Now today we want to perfume our cities, as well; to replace their stinging fumes of disturbed fossils' sleep with the scent of gardens and orchards. Yet, humans are not bees any more than they are blossoms. If we must pull an olfactory hood over our urban environment, let it be of a different nature.I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes.I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets.Under the pressure of my step, I want the streets to emit the precise odor of a diamond necklace.I want the newspapers I read to smell like the violins left in pawnshops by weeping hobos on Christmas Eve.I want to carry luggage that reeks of the neurons in Einstein's brain.I want a city's gases to smell like the golden belly hairs of the gods.And when I gaze at a televised picture of the moon, I want to detect, from a distance of 239,000 miles, the aroma of fresh mozzarella.
— Tom Robbins, Wild Ducks Flying Backward
You're such a cynic," Molly said."I think cynics are playful and cute.
— Jim Butcher, Changes
Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.
— Rachel Vincent, Rogue
Wizard Howl," said Wizard Suliman. "I must apologize for trying to bite you so often. In the normal way, I wouldn't dream of setting teeth in a fellow countryman.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure.
— Nora Roberts, High Noon
I hate patience. Slows everything down.
— J.D. Robb, Witness in Death
Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
— Erma Bombeck
This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.
— Steven Moffat
Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”“No.”“Then to me you are Paul.”...“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.“My mother never calls me Nathan.”“Is it Nate?”“She calls me Honeylips.
— Brandon Mull, The Candy Shop War
She's under duress," Peaseblossom said."I don't care if she's under duress, over it, or alongside it," Moth said. "Nothing in this world supersedes cake.
— Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
— Mark Twain
I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.
— Dan Howell
Easy. Peasy
— P.C. Cast
You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
— Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell
— Philip Henry Sheridan
It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
— Carl Sagan
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. 
— Abraham Lincoln
It's not reasonable to love people who are only going to die," she said.Nash thought about that for a moment, stroking Small's neck with great deliberation, as if the fate of the Dells depended on that smooth, careful movement."I have two responses to that," he said finally. "First, everyone's going to die. Second, love is stupid. It has nothing to do with reason. You love whomever you love. Against all reasons I loved my father." He looked at her keenly. "Did you love yours?""Yes," she whispered.He stroked Small's nose. "I love you," he said, "even knowing you'll never have me. And I love my brother, more than I ever realized before you came along. You can't help whom you love, Lady. Nor can you know what it's liable to cause you to do."She made a connection then. Surprised she sat back from him and studied his face, soft with shadows and light. She saw a part of him she hadn't seen before."You came to me for lessons to guard your mind," she said, "and you stopped asking me to marry you, both at the same time. You did those things out of love for your brother.""Well" he said, looking a bit sheepishly at the floor. "I also took a few swings at him, but that's neither here nor there.""You're good at love," she said simply, because it seemed to her that it was true. "I'm not so good at love. I'm like a barbed creature. I push everyone I love away."He shrugged. "I don't mind you pushing me away if it means you love me, little sister.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
Winston Gallagher!" I said, recognizing the first ghost I'de met. Then my eyes narrowed & I covered my hand in front of my crotch as I saw Winstons gaze fasten there next. "Don't even think about poltergeisting my panties again". "This is the sod? Come here you scurvy little--" "Bones don't!" I interrupted. He stopped, giving a last glare to him while mouthing YOU. ME. EXORCIST. before returning to my side.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem in becoming your own father or mother that a broad-minded and well-adjusted family can't cope with. There is no problem with changing the course of history—the course of history does not change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the important changes have happened before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end.The major problem is simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioner's Time Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you, for instance, how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be descibed differently according to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further future, or a time in the further past and is futher complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations while you are actually traveling from one time to another with the intention of becoming your own mother or father.Most readers get as far as the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up; and in fact in later aditions of the book all pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs.The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term "Future Perfect" has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said."How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked."Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
— Michael Buckley, The Everafter War
And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.
— Jane Austen
He has fought many battles with us" (Jace) By which you mean one battle" muttered Simon. "Two if you count the one I was a rat
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
— Steven Wright
No," said Luis, "You can't date the Lord of the Night Court.""Well, I'm not, he dumped me.""You can't get dumped by the lord of the night court.""Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.
— Holly Black, Ironside
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
— Steven Wright
- Did you really save the world ?...- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?" Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him. Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
— J.R. Ward
You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
— Jeaniene Frost
I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.
— A.S. King, Please Ignore Vera Dietz
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
— Steven Wright
I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.
— Jim Butcher, Turn Coat
Holy mother of rectangles.
— Dan Howell
Beside me, Molly rolled her shoulders in a few jerky motions and pushed at her hair in fitful little gestures. She tugged at her well-tattered skirts, and grimaced at her boots. "Can you see if there’s any mud on them?" I paused to consider her for a second. Then I said, "You have two tattoos showing right now, and you probably used a fake ID to get them. Your piercings would set off any metal detector worth the name, and you’re featuring them in parts of your anatomy your parents wish you didn’t yet realize you had. You’re dressed like Frankenhooker, and your hair has been dyed colors I previously thought existed only in cotton candy.” I turned to face the door again. “I wouldn’t waste time worrying about a little mud on the boots.
— Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty
What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m making an A in History’?
— C.J. Daugherty, Night School
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
— Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad
He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once. I most certainly do, he seemed to say.
— Sarah J. Maas, Heir of Fire
Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.
— Bill Watterson
A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray.
— Marcia Carrington
It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Girl in Blue
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
— Mark Twain
You're not eating anything," said Marilla sharply, eying her as if it were a serious shortcoming. Anne sighed. I can't. I'm in the depths of despair. Can you eat whenyou are in the depths of despair?"I've never been in the depths of despair, so I can't say," responded Marilla. Weren't you? Well, did you ever try to IMAGINE you were inthe depths of despair?"No, I didn't."Then I don't think you can understand what it's like. It's very uncomfortable a feeling indeed.
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
Tyrion let the eunuch help him mount. "Lord Varys," he said from the saddle, "sometimes I feel as though you are the best friend I have in King's Landing and sometimes I feel you are my worst enemy." "How odd. I think quite the same of you.
— George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings
Holy mother!""Hmph. More like holy father. I'd think you'd know the difference."-Hephaetus
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.
— Banksy
I wish someone had just told me the truth right up front, as soon as I was old enough to understand it. I wish someone had just said: “Here’s the deal, Wade. You’re something called a ‘human being.’ That’s a really smart kind of animal. Like every other animal on this planet, we’re descended from a single-celled organism that lived millions of years ago. This happened by a process called evolution, and you’ll learn more about it But trust me, that’s really how we all got here. There’s proof of it everywhere, buried in the rocks. That story you heard? About how we were all created by a super-powerful dude named God who lives up in the sky? Total bullshit. The whole God thing is actually an ancient fairy tale that people have been telling one another for thousands of years. We made it all up. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. “Oh, and by the way … there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. Also bullshit. Sorry, kid Deal with it.
— Ernest Cline, Ready Player One
Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.
— Susan Beth Pfeffer, The Dead and the Gone
Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.
— Gena Showalter, Alice in Zombieland
The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.
— John Maynard Keynes, A Tract on Monetary Reform
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
— Woody Allen
Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”“Give me the laundry.”“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.
— Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl
But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.
— G.K. Chesterton
The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar.
— Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
— H.L. Mencken, Prejudices: Third Series
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
— Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.” “Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
I thought you said you were the one in charge!" Ce'Nedra exclaimed.I lied." Silk said. "It's a vice I have.
— David Eddings, Queen of Sorcery
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.
— Brian Regan, Live
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
— Steven Pressfield, The Virtues of War: A Novel of Alexander the Great
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
— Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left
If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
— Bill Cosby
Are you her boyfriend?”...No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.
— Brandon Mull, The Candy Shop War
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe.
— John Sandford, Bad Blood
Here's something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that's rich doesn't make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck your own arse. Whichever.
— Suzanne Wright, From Rags
Running ain't no bad thing. Leastways if you run in the right direction.
— Mark  Lawrence, Prince of Thorns
Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.
— Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly
Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes.""Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes.""I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food.""And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen."I love him," she told Cal."I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?""Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake.""Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.
— Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
— Stephen Colbert, I Am America
now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)
— David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson
I care. They bother me. And that's why I'm stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I'm stupid to the power of stupid.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
Da. This is going very well already."Thomas barked out a laugh. "There are seven of us against the Red King and his thirteen most powerful nobles, and it's going well?"Mouse sneezed."Eight," Thomas corrected himself. He rolled his eyes and said, "And the psycho death faerie makes it nine.""It is like movie," Sanya said, nodding. "Dibs on Legolas.""Are you kidding?" Thomas said. "I'm obviously Legolas. You're . . ." He squinted thoughtfully at Sanya and then at Martin. "Well. He's Boromir and you're clearly Aragorn.""Martin is so dour, he is more like Gimli." Sanya pointed at Susan. "Her sword is much more like Aragorn's.""Aragorn wishes he looked that good," countered Thomas."What about Karrin?" Sanya asked."What--for Gimli?" Thomas mused. "She is fairly--""Finish that sentence, Raith, and we throw down," said Murphy in a calm, level voice."Tough," Thomas said, his expression aggrieved. "I was going to say 'tough.' "As the discussion went on--with Molly's sponsorship, Mouse was lobbying to claim Gimli on the basis of being the shortest, the stoutest, and the hairiest--"Sanya," I said. "Who did I get cast as?""Sam," Sanya said.I blinked at him. "Not . . . Oh, for crying out loud, it was perfectly obvious who I should have been."Sanya shrugged. "It was no contest. They gave Gandalf to your godmother. You got Sam.
— Jim Butcher, Changes
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
— Alexandra Potter, You're The One That I Don't Want
Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.
— Jim Butcher, Dead Beat
I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out."Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy.Dang, I'm good.
— James Patterson, Fang
What are you doing?" "Ya!" said Jane, whirling around, her hands held up menacingly. It was Mr. Nobley with coat, hat, and cane, watching her with wide eyes. Jane took several quick (but oh so casual) steps away from Martin's window. "Um, did I just say, 'Ya'?" "You just said 'Ya,'" he confirmed. "If I am not mistaken, it was a battle cry, warning that you were about to attack me.I, uh..." She stopped to laugh. "I wasn't aware until this precise and awkward moment that when startled in a startled in a strange place, my instincts would have me pretend to be a ninja.
— Shannon Hale, Austenland
Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!""Oh, for goodness' sake!" Gabriel put down his book and pointed a longer finger at Phantom. "Sit," he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor.Ivy scowled in frustration. "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority?
— Alexandra Adornetto, Halo
A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now. PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass. ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass. Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one. PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
— Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
Fire wants to burn Water wants to flow Air wants to rise Earth wants to bindChaos wants to devourCal wants to live
— Cassandra Clare, The Iron Trial
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
— Aesop
Of course, now I had the problem of communicating what I needed. Marlen was still beating on the door, and Dimitri would be up in a couple of minutes. I glared at the human, hoping I looked terrifying. From his expression, I did. I attempted the caveman talk I had with Inna...only this time the message was a little harder. "Stick," I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. "Stick. Where?" He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked, in perfect English, "Why are you talking like that?" "Oh for God's sake," I exclaimed. "Where is the vault?" "Vault?" "A place they keep weapons?" He continued staring. "Oh," he said. "That." Uneasily, he cast his eyes in the direction of the pounding.
— Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.“Sometime,” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
— Patricia Briggs, Bone Crossed
I realized then what had happened.She had turned us--all of us, except for Mouse--into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.Wonderful!" Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. "Come, children!" And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble and swift as a doe.A bunch of us dogs stood around for a moment, just sort of staring at one another..
— Jim Butcher, Changes
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. 
— James Thurber
Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.
— Terry Pratchett, The Color of Magic
But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.
— Sophie Kinsella, Remember Me?
There's something different about you," he says."I've started styling my hair differently," I laugh."Oh. I thought it was that you were three feet taller, a hell of a lot broader, look like a werewolf, and are naked expect for that bit of cloth around your waist. But you're right - it's the hair.
— Darren Shan, Wolf Island
I told them he'd be able to get you to go out." Rianne folded her winnings and tucked the bills into her blazer pocket. "Look at him.""He's right here, Ri," Carla murmured, shooting Keenan an apologetic look."We've tried to teach her manners, but..." She shrugged. "It's like housebreaking a dog. If we'd had her when she was a puppy, maybe."Rianne smacked her on the arm, but she was grinning. "Woof, woof.
— Melissa Marr, Wicked Lovely
I'm not dreaming this, am I?" he asked.Dehvi lifted an eyebrow. "There's only one way to know for sure," he said.What's that?"Go piss in the woods. If you feel wet and warm afterward, wake up.
— Brent Weeks, Beyond the Shadows
I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?""Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
— Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some."Ebenezar tsked. "Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay
— David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
— Anonymous
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. 
— Dave Barry