c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
With medical science improving at roughly the same rate as our environmental situation worsens, the most likely scenario is that the world will become uninhabitable at the precise moment the human race becomes immortal.
— Steve Toltz
Girls, now, they wear leggings. As pants. It's embarrassing. Just parading their coochies around town.
— Stephanie Danler
If you're preaching, I've already got religion. And if you're selling, I ain't buying--unless you've got binoculars. I could use some new binoculars.
— Laura Bradford, Éclair and Present Danger
A true lover never demands a naked girl with him,rather he feels her presence all the time with him
— Nitin Yaduvanshi, Absolute Love Letter
Opera?" Trelon asked tiredly, "What the hell is opera?" "I'll tell you what it is! It is the screeching of the death birds, that 's what it is!Capturing Cara (Dragon Lords of Valdier, #2)
— S.E.      Smith
Mary leaned back, exhaled, and watched her smoke rise. 'What sort of man do you want anyway?'"Tall. Funny. Never came top of his class or pulled the wings off bees.""Yes, but I mean really? When all of this is over, and assuming we win -" ...Hilda snorted. "(I) just want a tall man and a stiff drink. You could even swap the adjectives.
— Chris Cleave, Everyone Brave is Forgiven
I don't have te let ye come. Coming is a privilege, not a right- Declan Ramsay to Sam Aiken. (Illuminate the Shadows- Shatterproof Bond #1)
— Isobel Starling, Illuminate the Shadows
Interviewer: "What's the best thing you've learned on Idol?"Dalton Rapattoni: "Double-tie your shoelaces.
— Dalton Rapattoni
Do you know much about the Vittra?""Some." He held out an orange slice to me. "Want some?""No, thanks." I shook my head. "How much is 'some'?""I meant like a slice or two, but you can have the rest if you really want.
— Amanda Hocking, Torn
It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.
— Carol Anne Dobson
Cup of JoeThere's nothing like a cup of joe,when the morning's grey and grim and slow,when the streets collide with the world outside,when litter lies where lilies grow.Just drink that smoking cup of blackand feel your feelings surging back.Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shopwill sprout up from a sidewalk crack!
— Bo Burnham
When life gives you lemons, the best thing to do is make orange juice and let the rest of the world stand back and wonder how you did it."			-Unknown
— -Unknown
don't know what demi means but i'm not feeling to godly you guys feeling godly?
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
With great power, comes a great need to nap.
— Nico Di Angelo
He started to hand her a fork but paused, glancing at her and then it, and back. Wariness narrowed his eyes."For real? Seriously?" She held out her hand, palm up. "What do you think? I'm going to try to prong you to death? I don't know who that would be more embarrassing for - you dying by fork or me needing to use something so silly to take you out.
— Laurann Dohner, Taunting Krell
There are things in life worth dying for. Toothpaste isn't one of them.
— Samantha Addison, Not Another Superhero
You don’t hear what I hear.
— Lailah Gifty Akita
Stupid entropy ruins everything.
— Jennifer Ouellette, The Calculus Diaries: How Math Can Help You Lose Weight, Win in Vegas, and Survive a Zombie Apocalypse
Joe Lon and Willard slipped out of their shirts. Willard flipped over and walked around in the dirt on his hands. Joe Lon took the bottle of whiskey out of his back pocket, set it carefully on the step of the Winnebago, checking out Susan Gender's red pants again as he did. Then he went into a steady handstand and did six dips, his nose just short of the dirt each time he went down. They both came off their hands and looked at Duffy."I'm impressed," said Duffy, shortly. "What the hell are you, gymnasts?""Drunks," said Joe Lon picking up the bottle.
— Harry Crews, A Feast of Snakes
Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal.
— Ann Benjamin, Life After Joe
...and who must have had something real about her, or she could not have existed, but it certainly was not her hair, or her teeth, or her figure, or her complexion.
— Charles Dickens
I seem to have forgotten my towel," she said, feeling heat everywhere. I'm a fool.He stepped forward, meeting her gaze. "I seem to have forgotten my name," he said, licking his lips. "Maybe we could both get in the shower and you could scream it for me.
— Anna Banks, How to Lose a Bachelor
Bloated software causes IT stress farts.
— Kevin Focke
If only they gave all unsolved crime cases television air time, they could be solved within an hour.
— Spaz tastic!!
If only they gave all unsolved crime cases television air time, they could be solved within an hour on one of those crime story shows.
— Spaz tastic!!
I let loose a guttural roar-the cry of a man who has been deprived of his rightful kibbeh. I drew my sword and smacked the eagle with flat of the blade
— Rick Riordan
Quite amazing, isn’t it, Mister Lipwig?’ he said cheerfully through the smoke. ‘Though isn’t it a pity that they can only run on rails? I can’t imagine what the world would be like if everyone had their own steam locomotive. Abominable.
— Terry Pratchett
Don't waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!
— EverSkeptic
He started to hand her a fork but paused, glancing at her and then it, and back. "For real? Seriously?" She held out her hand, palm up. "What do you think? I'm going to try to prong you to death? I don't know who that would be more embarrassing for - you dying by fork or me needing to use something so silly to take you out.
— Laurann Dohner, Taunting Krell
Turren blinked and then smiled from ear to ear. “What makes a pure soul extra purer?”“I don’t know,” Sebastian said. “I didn’t eat anything weird today.
— Sam Argent
You seem....unsettled." Was "unsettled" another word for horny enough to climb the walls? Because if so, then yes, I was most definitely unsettled.
— Jay Crownover, Built
Opinions are like assholes, everybody has their own. I don't mess with yours and you don't mess with mine.
— Unknown Wattpad writer
If I'll be funnier than this, I'll become a joke.
— Chandan Sharma
See, that's the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friend's mom.
— Jeff Kinney, Old School
My impression is, after many years of consideration, that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse.
— Charles Dickens, David Copperfield
Now, how do you suppose this queen will react when you turn up with your begging bowl in hand and say, 'Good morrow to you, Auntie. I am your nephew, Aegon, returned from the dead. I've been hiding on a poleboat all my life, but now I've washed the blue dye from my hair and I'd like a dragon, please...and oh, did I mention, my claim to the Iron Throne is stronger than your own?
— George R.R. Martin
She had no idea how she was supposed to act, no idea how to feel. Julian had just made incredible love to her, but he wasn't *in love* with her. He'd stamped himself forever on her--body, heart, and soul--but a year from now he probably wouldn't remember who she was. He'd rocked her world, and yet he was only temporarily a part of it. What was a woman supposed to say? "Thanks, stud"?
— Pamela Clare, Hard Evidence
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?
— Jack Handy
Heavens, no," Wax said. "If I approved of half the thngs Wayne does, Harmony would probably strike me on the spot.
— Brandon Sanderson, The Bands of Mourning
Machines can't lie," I said, lying through my circuits.
— Adam Christopher, Made to Kill
The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough." -Chapter 3
— Charles Dickens
Yet sometimes you just have to sprinkle a dash of sugar on the spoonful of pride and swallow it with a humility chaser.
— Erica Larsen, Bad Boy Nice Guy: A New Adult Romance Novel
Books are temporary , dicks are forever
— Gillian Flynn, The Grownup
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— Millicent Carter
As he spoke, the wind whistled through the gaps in his teeth, creating an odd musical accompaniment to his words. -- unpublished as of Jan 11 2016, but surely due to appear in one of my works eventually.
— Kira Stone
...I'll tell you something else too
—  by the time we're through we shall have had all we can stand of this North woman. I wouldn't mind betting she thinks we have nothing better to do than run around in circles while she gets on with this three-act problem play of hers.
Nice try, mister, but being cute won't save you.
— C.J. Milbrandt, On Your Marks: The Adventure Begins
Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.
— Laurie Foxx
A knee to the balls from a car full of clowns would have been less awkward than the look he was receiving from the whiskey-eyed angel.
— Lisa N. Paul, Breaking to Breathe
When one heated exchange (in English) led a commenter to write "Go fuck yourself!" in Lojban, it turned into a lengthy discussion of why he hadn't said what he meant to say, and what the proper Lojban expression for the sentiment might be.
— Arika Okrent
I'm not sexist, I'd f**k both sexes equally if I was gay - John Blu
— David Gallie, Fists, Bullets & One Dead Crime Lord
Life is too short to spend on a book you don't enjoy.
— Katrina-Jane
Briar stood, pushing up her sleeves. 'It's about to get all nonfiction in here'.
— Shannon Hale, The Unfairest of Them All
If I wasn't a devil myself I'd give Me up to the Devil this very minute.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust
The obvious matters are more imperceptible today.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
I may just be on the outskirts of being okay.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
The demon trapped in the summoning circle screamed, slamming its crablike pincers against the unseen barrier, hurling its chitinous shoulders from side to side in an effort to escape the confinement. It couldn't. I kept my will on the circle, kept the demon from bursting free."Satisfied, Chauncy?" I asked it.The demon straightened its hideous form and said, in a perfect Oxford accent, "Quite. You understand, I must observe the formalities.
— Jim Butcher, Fool Moon
It’s not the obviousness or the complexity of the things that’s deftly deluding mankind. It’s man himself.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
Owning a drone does not a pilot make.
— Alex Morritt, Impromptu Scribe
Bessie was News, Leaders, and Gossip; Enid was Features, Make-up and general Sub. Whenever they were at a loss for copy they would mercilessly pillage ancient copies of Punch or Home Chat. An occasional hole in the copy was filled with a ghoulish smudge - local block-making had clearly indicated that somewhere a poker-work fanatic had gone quietly out of his mind. In this way the Central Balkan Herald was made up every morning and then delivered to the composition room where the chain-gang quickly reduced it to gibberish. MINISTER FINED FOR KISSING IN PUBIC. WEDDING BULLS RING OUT FOR PRINCESS. QUEEN OF HOLLAND GIVES PANTY FOR EX-SERVICE MEN. MORE DOGS HAVE BABIES THIS SUMMER IN BELGRADE. BRITAINS NEW FLYING-GOAT.
— Lawrence Durrell, Esprit de Corps: Sketches from Diplomatic Life
The lawbreaking itch is not always an anarchic one. In the first place, the human personality has (or ought to have) a natural resistance to coercion. We don't like to be pushed and shoved, even if it's in a direction we might choose to go. In the second place, the human personality has (or ought to have) a natural sense of the preposterous. Thus, just behind my apartment building in Washington there is an official sign saying, Drug-Free Zone. I think this comic inscription may be done because it's close to a schoolyard. And a few years back, one of our suburbs announced by a municipal ordinance that it was a "nuclear-free zone." I don't wish to break the first law, though if I did wish to do so it would take me, or any other local resident, no more than one phone call and a ten-minute wait. I did, at least for a while, pine to break the "nuclear-free" regulation, on grounds of absurdity alone, but eventually decided that it would be too much trouble.
— Christopher Hitchens
Of course I'm jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn't the point.
— Leigh Bardugo, Siege and Storm
He bowed over her hand and kissed the knuckles. He'd never despised a glove more in his life.
— Kristi Ann Hunter, A Lady of Esteem
That brow arched once more. "Does it? You think people will believe it when the truth is that I ruined you on an abandoned estate before your father stormed the house with a rifle?"She hesitated. "I would not call it storming.""He fired several rounds at my house. If that isn't storming, I don't know what is.
— Sarah MacLean, A Rogue by Any Other Name
A comedian is better than a politician
—  at least there is no doubt.
Monthly, out of common courtesy, he went to inquire after the invalid Charles, who refused either to die or get better.
— Winston Graham, Ross Poldark
There is no point in housing troubles inside your underwear if you can’t solve them by yourself.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week?
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
I really want to punch you right now. Maybe even break your nose.” She rolled her eyes upward, seeking calm. “But I won’t because I like this dress.
— Zoe Forward, His Witch to Keep
I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.
— Winston Graham, Ross Poldark
You never know what you will find in your pants!
— Ken Poirot
You live in a damnably twisted and convoluted world," replied Mathias. "And you are trampling accross it with all the delicacy of an elephant in a glass shop!" -Conversation between Mathias Munster and Giacomo Foscarini
— Riccardo Bruni, The Lion and the Rose
When the deputies asked me if I needed anything, I told them I could use a cigarette. I don't smoke but it seemed like the thing someone handcuffed in the back seat of a police car should say.
— Becky Crabtree
The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job.
— Sue Civil-Brown, The Prince Next Door
My second meeting with Vincent Starrett began on a cool Sunday afternoon in May of 1962. After a short interlude, he returned from the kitchen precariously balancing a large cup of tea on a very small saucer. It was the largest tea cup I had ever seen, large enough to startle, I am inclined to suspect, even the Mad Hatter in 'Alice in Wonderland.
— Peter Ruber, The Last Bookman
I cried and I cried and I cried. I wasn't crying because I was happy. I wasn't crying because I was sad. I wasn't crying because of my mother or my father or Paul. I was crying because I was full...I didn't feel like a big fate idiot anymore. And I didn't feel like a hard-ass motherfucking Amazonian queen. I felt fierce and humble and gathered up inside, like I was safe in this world too.
— Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail
Write. Write write write write WRITE. Write. Now.(This is an inspirational writing quote.)
— Jen Lynn Anderson
The Earl of Woolsey was indeed completely nude. He did not seem particularly perturbed by this fact, but Miss Tarabotti felt the sudden need to close her eyes tight and think about asparagus or something equally mundane.
— Gail Carriger, Soulless
He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog.
— Gail Carriger, Soulless
I'm fine.""You know how Flynn defines 'fine' as an answer?" Jake asked him conversationally. "He says it usually translates as an anagram: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. So which one do you want to go for?
— Rolf and Ranger, Silver Bullet Everest
Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter.
— Gail Carriger, Soulless
I love round tables," said Magnus brightly. "They suit me so much better than square.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
An egg is always an adventure
—  it may be different each time
Whoa... don't go freaking out on me yet," he says with a smile, a smile I'm starting to have a real like and hate relationship with.
— Brandy Nacole, Deep in the Hollow
I only need half my wits to be a match for you.
— George R.R. Martin
Happiness is a redhead without a temper.
— self, Frank Raymond
...Here, beast, you shall be the chairman, and mind you call us to order." He leaned forward and dropped the cat on the empty seat.
— Winston Graham, Demelza
curiosity did not kill the cat
— Sam Pottorff
Do You want to be a Starfish?
— Dillinger Cobb
Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.
— Clare Vanderpool
I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world.
— Saad  Salman
Is that-am I looking at her beaver?"Mid-swig, I choke on the mouthful of beer, sputtering and coughing. After I recover, I ask jokingly, "'Beaver'? Are you Canadian or something?
— Helena Hunting, Pucked
People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.
— Stephen King, Full Dark, No Stars
Ma had been very fashionable, before she married Pa, and a dressmaker had made her clothes.
— Laura Ingalls Wilder
All right, we need a way to get into the palace. Any ideas?""Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?
— Noelle Crawford, Pinnacle of Glory
Hold on, hold on, hold on,” said the Hooded Person of Unknown Gender. “Are you really here to slay a dragon?”“Yes! Why else would I be so far from home?”“Sightseeing?” suggested the Female.
— Ness Kingsley, Our Intrepid Heroine
Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts
— P.G. Wodehouse
Do you mean disrespectful? Blasphemous?" he asks. " Like Jesus, Jesus, bo-beesus, banana fanana fo-feesus, mo meesus...blasphemous to Jesus?" I just stand there like an idiot, not sure what to say to this strange man. He seems more of a wise guy than a wise man. After all, he just Name-Gamed a Third of the Trinity.
— Misty Paquette / Misty Provencher, Cornerstone
All right, we need a way to get inot the palace. Any ideas?""Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?
— Noelle Crawford, Pinnacle of Glory
I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.
Since the teachers weren't picking, I ended up with a boy with bad body odour. 'You should wear deodorant,' I said to him. 'And you should shut your trap,' he replied.
— Lorna Schultz Nicholson, Fragile Bones: Harrison & Anna
If I had not lived so long I wouldn't be so old!
— Leon Estes
Add your typical shower and claw feetOwners claw foot tub, consider incorporating the most traditional sense of joy in the ease and comfort revolutionary shower, governments are mainly engaged in the race just to check in early for power within very ready. Clawfoot tubs wear’s now includes a shower; there are many strategies to use the shower in the bathroom now. Even if a person must be determined in those particular individual hairs, can be costly and impractical. Although the site has a separate shower grow, keep in mind that you want the products and save more modern maintenance. Value management easier and more efficient to add a shower curtain and bath address.The information is not expensive, there are some ideas that you can include in the acquired shower. Contractor or plumber can provide ideas and even to make for you. The original can take water heater shower bath in the direction of the feet and the creation of a rod with an en suite shower room, and when the curtain. Shower curtains apartment surrounded significantly reduces splash of water leaks. Another option would be surplus tiles on the long term, the use of H2O "enemy" and shower rod and curtain also furnished, "L" of the aspects described in determining the bath. What will be more expensive and bathroom alone for a long time, some people are afraid of this option.On the way to the drain in the shower, you could be the cables hidden in the bathroom near the wall. The second course in the HVAC responsible for pre-tube immediately describes the bath to the option in the direction of the traditional classical appearance. There are several different types of decorative lighting and lids which are made in such a way that appears to choose in the hoses pin and presented a lot of good taste on the market.For those who are willing to deal with their own tasks, traders improving the registered owner of the Depot and Lowe's contain a number of "do it yourself" kits are unique measurements. Such kits are barrels and other containers, as defined above use’s shower built for joint legs. Everything requires a few simple policies and lower resistance to the purchase is detected. This kind of "precursors" of the water, you can judge for yourself in the shower longitudinal shower, shower curtains and thoughts. If you take even more concerned that the easiest only independent bathroom each provider in the health of office workers only in the direction of the support of others and crank implementing rules. Have a good friend or spouse and children of a member who keep an eye on your health, as it is commonly known.No need for the resolution, that the decision to migrate to an item in the shower of his classic bathroom was somewhat effortlessly came to rise. It goes in the direction of maximizing claw foot tub, or take an impressive ease of use aerosol own desire. Many decisions wonderful shower curtain in the direction of the changes the rest of the room was coming towards a holistic view of their cosmetics, and a lot of fun to drive in the direction of your claw foot tub.
— Elite Shower
Writing is a wonderful way to spend the day. Particularly when the alternative is housework!
— J. Mary Masters
When just a kid, moved back to Canada and looking for a taste of England, I’d picked up a book of my Gram’s, a dog-eared romance from the ’sixties about English hospital ‘sisters’ trying to get it on with the doctors, and thought it very shocking behaviour for nuns.
— Roberta Pearce, Famous Penultimate Words
Andre had never mastered the art of ironing. He usually ironed more wrinkles in than out. Pistols, knives, and explosives he could handle, but put a hot iron in his hands and chances were that he’d get hurt.
— Toby Joyce, Andre's Side of the Story
What’s the fuckin’ difference between leggings and tights?
— Rene Webb, Finding Sunshine
Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie
— Anna Lefler, Preschooled
I could not imagine my youngest standing above her soiled grandmother in the wing chair and saying, "mother, let's kill her. "That's the only choice.
— Alice Sebold
Optimism is a gift, but one that must be carefully controlled. Your hopeful optimism will get us all killed!
— Noelle Crawford, Pinnacle of Glory
Surrender to the ridiculous
— Killian B. Brewer
You're so dehydrated I can hear you blink.
— Lori Lansens, The Mountain Story
I wonder why Steven wasn’t at swimming club tonight?” Archie asked.	“He’s caught bronchitis,” Mrs Akran said.	Imran thought for a second before replying. “I would like to catch a dinosaur too. I wonder what he feeds it?”	Archie looked at his friend his face looked as if he was in pain before he burst out laughing. “Imran you’re tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it’s not a type of dinosaur.
— Mark A. Cooper, Archie Wilson & The Nuckelavee
But if we do not dream, then I think perhaps we are misusing our heads. They are not on our shoulders only to be farms for hair.
— Brian  Doyle, The Plover
Wow," Jake said, his face going blank. "Assface. Is that a technical term? Maybe some kind of psychiatric diagnosis I'm not familiar with?
— Lynn Red, Werewolf Wedding
THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN(but you better follow them or you’re going to get beaten twice as hard)SPOKANE INDIAN RULES OF FISTICUFFS:1. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.2. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS GOING TO INSULT YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.3. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.4. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS ANY OF YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO INSULT YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.5. YOU SHOULD NEVER FIGHT A GIRL, UNLESS SHE INSULTS YOU, YOUR FAMILY, OR YOUR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HER.6. IF SOMEBODY BEATS UP YOUR FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT THE SON AND/OR DAUGHTER OF THE PERSON WHO BEAT UP YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER.7. IF YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER BEATS UP SOMEBODY, THEN THAT PERSON’S SON AND/OR DAUGHTER WILL FIGHT YOU.8. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY INDIANS WHO WORK FOR THE BUREA OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.9. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY WHITE PEOPLE WHO LIVE ANYWHERE ON THE RESERVATION.10. IF YOU GET IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEBODY WHO IS SURE TO BEAT YOU UP, THEN YOU MUST THROW THE FIRST PUNCH, BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY PUNCH YOU’LL EVER GET TO THROW.11. IN ANY FIGHT, THE LOSER IS THE FIRST ONE WHO CRIES.
— Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
Both of you be safe," Nessa said, looking to Turner. "Welcome to my messed up home, by the way.""Messed up?" Turner asked. "They seem like a loving bunch, all willing to kill each other off. What's family if there isn't any drama?" Turner winked at Nessa, and she nodded in reply. Drama was what the sidhe were all about.
— B. Kristin McMichael, The Day Human King
At first I'd tried subtlety, but as it happened, Dane's mind - as fierce and strong and powerful as he was - had about the level of subtlety as a locomotive that went off the tracks and then fell off a cliff. And then hit a tree and a nitroglycerine truck.
— Lynn Red, Werewolf Wedding
After you've taken so much trouble to set up recorder, you ask me now?
— E.L. James, Fifty Shades Trilogy: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, Fifty Shades Freed 3-volume Boxed Set 1st Paperback
He licked up to her ear and whispered, “You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season?
— Heather Thurmeier, The Hookup Hoax
Know what a symbol is?...Shit that stands for shit.
— Christina Baker Kline, Orphan Train
BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT !
— Lauren Weisberger, The Devil Wears Prada
He then reaches a new low. Without warning, he is suddenly set upon by a bear.
— P.J. Hetherhouse, Tales of the Zodiac - The Goat's Tale
We're really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, 'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world' - she's talking about cannibals. Lot's to eat.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
[Maisie]:...going out for luncheon with a gentleman is definitely not the same as going out to dine in the evening. [Billy]: You get more grub at dinner, for a start -
— Jacqueline Winspear, Birds of a Feather
the best of" show was completely gone and we were in big trouble, except we didn't really care.
— Tina Fey
Britain and America couldn't agree on shoe sizing, dress sizing, weight, distance or temperature measurements, but on the scale of breasts, we were of one voice.
— Pauline Wiles, Saving Saffron Sweeting
Does it seem like I'm out of it? No you seemed like you were in total control as you fell down the stairs.
— Aya Nakahara, Love★Com, Vol. 11
Not planned... Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I’m a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option.
— Heather Thurmeier, The Hookup Hoax
Wait. Are you about to do something really stupid? -GUARD
— Pittacus Lore
Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.
— J.K. Rowling
Oh. Dane. That's his name, right?" she asked. "He took our phones and put the shackles on us, but said we could use the phone on the table. I'm not sure if it's some kind of dominance posturing," she trailed off for a moment. "Actually yeah, having been around him for more than thirty seconds, I'm relatively certain that this is one hundred percent, testosterone-laden alpha male posturing. Is Jake like this?""I might be an idiot," I said, "but even I wouldn't fall for this sort of thing. A guy who goes to this length to seem awesome must have a dick the size of a gherkin.
— Lynn Red
She wasn’t his kind of woman, and she didn’t want to fall in love with a man who would break her heart like a Dorito.
— Rachel Gibson
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest YO MAMA Jokes
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults - Uncensored edition
Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults - Uncensored edition
Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults - Uncensored edition
What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.
— Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults - Uncensored edition
Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults - Uncensored edition
Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Yo Mama Dirty Jokes: Yo Mama Funny, Dirty, Filthy Joke Book For Adults - Uncensored edition
If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be?
— Douglas Carter Beane, As Bees in Honey Drown
Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
— Oliver Oliver Reed, 155 World's Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes And Facts: The Best And Funniest Kick-ass Facts About Roughest, Toughest, Deadliest, Sexiest & The Most Fearless ... The Legend
They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.
— Elizabeth Horton-Newton
As a little girl, I'd have given up my Barbie Dreamhouse to have a miniature purple dragon - as an adult, I didn't find it nearly as exciting.
— R.L. Naquin, Phoenix in My Fortune
Oh, sir!" Lord Teddie bounced on his feet. "Sir, I read about this sort of thing once, sir! The only way to solve it is to kill both of them. It was in the Bible!"The silence rung. Lord Teddie cowered at the King's look."Ah, never mind," he said.
— Heather Dixon
In this, then, lies their power of understanding--understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the voice, which rang false for those wordless but immensely sensitive patients. It was to these (for them) most glaring, even grotesque, incongruities and improprieties that my aphasic patients responded, undeceived and undeceivable by words.This is why they laughed at the President's speech.
— Oliver Sacks, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Other Clinical Tales
No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.
— Demetri Martin
If I Am murdered en route it will have been well worth while!
— Dervla Murphy
Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month "leave" I wonder if he will be "Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!
— Matthew Heines
Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams" This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.
— Matthew Heines
Wisdom of the Ages: "Look out Below!" Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.
— Matthew Heines
The South: Three-wheeled Piggly Wiggly shopping carts, grease-caked engine blocks, baby strollers with shredded black hoods, Soviet rocket parts, human skulls on spikes and orange-eyed Rottweilers on heavy chains breathing fire...
— Sean Condon, Lonely Planet Journeys: Drive Thru America
People stubbornly lived their lives as they wanted, without regard to me, to an amazing degree.
— Charlaine Harris, Poppy Done to Death
It's like somebody stuffed him in a barrel full of moonshine-proof cluelessness and then left him there to get pickled in it while it fermented into malice.
— Alma Alexander, Random
Wisdom of the Ages: "Forgiveness" Steroids for the Soul.
— Matthew Heines
People do not start off stupid, they grow to be stupid.
— Marc Marcel
In arguing, what people lack in intellect they usually make up for in name-calling.
— C Vallo
Art speaks to everyone but some people don't listen.
— C Vallo
I do not take advice from people who are 100 percent sure. I take advice from those that believe they are as close to sure as possible, but understand they could be completely wrong.
— Marc Marcel
Let's not play games, Mr. Cratchett," I replied. "I wanted to let you know that I'll be coming in for an appointment with Mr. Raisin on Tuesday morning at eleven o'clock. I shall need about an hour and would prefer it if we were not disturbed during that time. I hope that he will be free at that hour but just so you both know, if he is not, then I am perfectly willing to sit in your office until he is free. I shall bring a book with me to pass the time. I shall bring two, if need be. I shall bring the complete works of Shakespeare if he insists on keeping me waiting interminably and those plays will get me through the long hours. But I will not leave until I have seen him, are we quite clear on that? Now, I wish you a very pleasant Sunday, Mr. Cratchett. Enjoy your lunch, won't you? Your breath smells of whisky.
— John Boyne
For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least ofall fire! Well, the fireman in question, who had gone to make a roundof inspection in the cellars and who, it seems, had ventured a littlefarther than usual, suddenly reappeared on the stage, pale, scared,trembling, with his eyes starting out of his head, and practicallyfainted in the arms of the proud mother of little Jammes.[1] And why?Because he had seen coming toward him, AT THE LEVEL OF HIS HEAD, BUTWITHOUT A BODY ATTACHED TO IT, A HEAD OF FIRE! And, as I said, afireman is not afraid of fire.The fireman's name was Pampin.
— Gaston Leroux
Like old times... wanna arm wrestle for her?
— Catherine Vale, Her Two Bears
But...was he flirting?Hmm.Not sure what I thought of that. A nice office flirt did make the day go faster, but Adam was my boss, not to mention an annoying one, and I was nothing if not professional.Snort. Yeah. That made me laugh too.
— Camilla Chafer, Armed and Fabulous
I suspected his middle name was "Yum".
— Camilla Chafer, Armed and Fabulous
Weird is just a side-effect of being awesome!
— Jean Gilbert
If you were a real professional, you'd build a bridge and get over it.
— Jacqueline E. Smith, Between Worlds
Do I look like I'm compelled to do anything? Do I seriously look like anyone could compel me to even bring them a coaster?"She looked me over again. "You look like you're compelled to cause trouble, but I doubt that's the boss' directive.
— Debra Dunbar, A Demon Bound
He didn’t recruit me,” Cett pointed out. “I got pulled by my balls into this little fiasco.”“I wish I cared enough to apologize,” Elend said, staring at them.
— Brandon Sanderson, The Hero of Ages
Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.
— Jacob M. Appel, Einstein's Beach House
Typical St Mary’s. When the chips are down we don’t whine and we don’t run – we do some damage.
— Jodi Taylor, A Trail Through Time
It's not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony used to print it is the exact typeface Kubrick used for the posters and title sequences of 'Eyes Wide Shut' and '2001'.'It's Futura Extra Bold,' explains Tony. 'It was Stanley's favorite typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers too. Clean and elegant.''Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to talk about?' I asked.'God, yes,' says Tony. 'Sometimes late into the night. I was always trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to his sans serifs.
— Jon Ronson, Lost At Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries
If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.
— Waheed Ibne Musa, Johnny Fracture
If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.
— Waheed Ibne Musa, Johnny Fracture
They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Everyone has someone to call on when they're down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.
— Mark W. Boyer
Solve this, pink-haired lady.
— Lauren Blakely, The Thrill of It
She’s a kid. Nothing to be afraid of. You’ve faced scores of bloodthirsty enemy soldiers happily willing to die if it meant killing you. You can handle one little girl.”~ CalExcerpt From: Andrews, Keira. “Semper Fi.” iBooks. This material may be protected by copyright.
— Keira Andrews, Semper Fi
what's the saying? All is donkey balls in love and war?-Dan Garrett
— Leah Rae Miller
Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter 'sheep.
— G.P. Burdon
I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.
— Joseph Heller
Wisdom of the Ages: Another Bush in the White House-Yep they keep forgetting to grab the TV and silverware.
— Matthew D. Heines
With an enemy like that, who needs friends?
— Rick Yancey
A terrified-looking bystander, a nerdy man in a sweater, calls the police and stammers into the phone: 'A huge group of people are fighting and there's pepper spray and superheroes and I don't know.
— Jon Ronson
There was only one thing about his own appearance which really pleased Hercule Poirot, and that was the profusion of his moustaches, and the way they responded to grooming and treatment and trimming. They were magnificent. He knew of nobody else who had any moustache half as good.
— Agatha Christie, Hallowe'en Party
In a way it was worth it, she thought, except that it was such a total waste.
— Diana Wynne Jones
Living on pills, phone calls unmade, people unseen, pages unwritten, money unmade, pressure piling up all around to make some kind of breakthrough and get moving again. Get the gum off the rails, finish something, croak this awful habit of not ever getting to the end- of anything.
— Hunter S. Thompson, Screwjack
How many more nights and weird mornings can this terrible shit go on? How long can the body and the brain tolerate this doom-struck craziness? This grinding of teeth, this pouring of sweat, this pounding of blood in the temples… small blue veins gone amok in front of the ears, sixty and seventy hours with no sleep.
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
But you will win a fabulous honor!" Nike reached into a basket at her side and produced a wreath of thick green laurels. "This crown of leaves could be yours! You can wear it on your head! Think of the glory!
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus
The reefer butt is called a 'roach' because it resembles a cockroach… cockroach… cockroach…
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or two.
— Mark Twain
I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour." Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Well," he said. "I hope to God I never make forty -- I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
— Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary
I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.
— G.G. Silverman, Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress
The forest, like a casino, always wins. That's why you should never gamble, or enter the forest. And above all, never underestimate Schmidty.
— Gitty Daneshvari, School of Fear
A vine from one tree shot out, tripping Blaise. He and Merewyn rolled to the ground. Varian stood between them and the trees, which shot blast after blast at him. He deflected them, but even so the heat from the fire was scorching. 'Go, Blaise,' he said. 'Get Merewyn out of here.'Blaise nodded before he crawled to Merewyn under the barrage.'Hold!'The blast stopped as the three of them froze into place.Again the woman appeared in the fire to stare at them maliciously. 'What is it you do?''I'm crawling,' Blaise answered.
— Kinley MacGregor
Do you mind? Just drape your arm around her shoulder. That's it. Yes this is good, Mr.Henshaw. Getting your picture taken with Daphne is a great way to introduce you to our set. Welcome to Santa Lucia!
— Barbara Jean Coast, Strangled by Silk
All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their failure is ours, too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped to create... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody-or at least some force-is tending that Light at the end of the tunnel.This is the same cruel and paradoxically benevolent bullshit has kept the Catholic Church going for so many centuries. It is also the military ethic...a blind faith in some higher and wiser “authority.” The Pope, The General, The Prime Minister... all the way up to “God.
— Hunter S. Thompson
There comes a time in every woman's life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.
— Solange nicole
Howie: "What if the whole thing was just an accident?"Jazz: "And what? Accidentally cut off three fingers postmortem? 'Oops, oh no, my girlfriend just died! Clumsy me, in trying to perform CPR, I chopped off some fingers! Guess I'll take them with me…Oh, darn, where did that middle finger go?
— Barry Lyga, I Hunt Killers
The greatest stories are simple, but well told.
— Tova Dian Dean
The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very good. Then again, it was bacon. It was always good.
— Ella Minster
You are all wave particles when I close my eyes. I am no more entranced by your entanglement than a butterfly is to a bee.
— Solange nicole
Dude, you know I'm not getting paid for this shit, which is probably against the law. Child labor going on right here in the heartland of America!-Dan Garrett
— Leah Rae Miller, The Summer I Became a Nerd
I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.
— Ana Claudia Antunes
The baby, not too young to start knowing the ledge, the cold truth, the life-and-death facts of it all. 'What kind of heaven is that, you can't have your records?' The baby, understanding perhaps it was purely rhetorical, made no attempt to answer this question.
— Michael Chabon
We’re animals, primates to be precise,” I pointed out. “Games are role playing from our hunter gatherer days.”“That's nothing to be proud of,” he said, in a fair imitation of Papa's manner.
— Ritu Lalit, Wrong, for the right reasons
Its decision to suck up an extra helping of toddler soup would cost it dearly.
— Allen Dusk, Shady Palms
You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.
— Becky Lewellen Povich
If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it.
— Michelle M. Pillow
She has a idiosyncrasy of being honest...I like that.
— William Eckard
Now, invite me in, before I lose my temperature.’‘Temper, you mean.’‘No, temperature. It’s getting chilly.
— Steven Erikson, Toll the Hounds
Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.
— Gerald Durrell, My Family and Other Animals
People who think animals have expressionless faces are like people who can ignore an open package of Oreos. Not quite human.
— Julia Kent, Shopping for a Billionaire
Yes, he's an equal opportunity asshole," Szilard said. "And he's aware of it, which he thinks means it's okay.
— John Scalzi, The Ghost Brigades