c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.
— Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story
It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.
— Sean Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens: The Ultimate Teenage Success Guide
. . .Tell me, Clare: why on earth would a lovely girl like you want to marry H
— Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife
... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?
— Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.
— J.J. McAvoy, Ruthless People
Aaron’s mouth dropped open when he entered the “room;” it was more like a huge open loft … no walls, huge floor to ceiling windows, shiny hardwood floors … perfect for a studio. He had no idea how Jake had acquired such a huge space in Manhattan.As if reading his mind, Alyson leaned over and whispered, “He bought the place next door and tore down the walls.”“Perfect,” replied Aaron, “and did he happen to find a treasure chest hidden in one of the walls as well?”“What do you mean?”“I mean, how the holy hell does he afford this place? He looks like he’s twelve.”“He’s twenty-​two, and he happens to be quite successful.”“At twenty-​fucking-​two?”“He was born with talent?” Alyson said questioningly.“He’s a lucky wanker who blew the right people?” suggested Aaron.Alyson tried to scowl but grinned instead, “A child prodigy?”“A deal with the devil?”“Naturally gifted?”“An indulgent sugar daddy?”“How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.
— Giselle Ellis, Take My Picture
I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?”“What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Onyx
Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.
— Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase
So what's it to be, Bear?"Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh."By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
Monsters have the worst taste in women.
— Tera Lynn Childs, Sweet Venom
She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. "This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?""Of course." he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.
— Gena Showalter, Heart of the Dragon
What was that you gave me to eat?" Winter panicked.A Filler Crisp," Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous.
— Obert Skye, Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo
You guys are weird," Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. "That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Awakening
There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.
— Charles Dickens, Hard Times
I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.
— L.J. Smith, Night World, No. 1
..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different
— Michael Buckley, The Unusual Suspects
Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.
— Brett Tate
If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn’t sending you the ‘let’s go back to my place’ signals. In that case—”“Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.
— Nora Roberts, Vision in White
Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.
— Bauvard, The Prince Of Plungers
Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. "Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook. I shall be directly back.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess
Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.
— Charlie Brooker
Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph.
— Aimee Agresti, Illuminate
If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing."See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?""I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way," he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics."I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there.""I supervised," he insisted.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is "In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.
— Andy Warhol
I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that.
— Kyle Adams, Prize Package
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
— Terry Pratchett, Maskerade
You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.
— Terry Pratchett, Maskerade
Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids’ head into the toilets. It’s nice that some things never change.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
Silena appeared out of the woods, her sword drawn. Her Aphrodite armour was pink and red, colour coordinated to match her clothes and makeup. She looked like Guerilla Warfare Barbie.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.
— Roman Payne
Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.
— Gayle Forman, If I Stay
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. 
— H.L. Mencken
She’d ceased spying upon him, that was true, but the damage was done. Every time he sat at his desk, he could feel her eyes upon him, even though he knew very well she’d shut her curtains tight. But clearly, reality had very little to do with the matter, because all he had to do, it seemed, was glance at her window, and he lost an entire hour’s work.It happened thus: He looked at the window, because it was there, and he couldn’t very well never happen to glance upon it unless he also shut his curtains tight, which he was not willing to do, given the amount of time he spent in his office. So he saw the window, and he thought of her, because, really, what else would he think of upon seeing her bedroom window? At that point, annoyance set in, because A) she wasn’t worth the energy, B) she wasn’t even there, and C) he wasn’t getting any work done because of her.C always led into a bout of even deeper irritation, this time directed at himself, because D) he really ought to have better powers of concentration, E) it was just a stupid window, and F) if he was going to get agitated about a female, it ought to be one he at least liked.F was where he generally let out a loud growl and forced himself to get back to his translation. It usually worked for a minute or two, and then he’d look back up, and happen to see the window, and the whole bloody nonsense cycled back to the beginning.
— Julia Quinn, What Happens in London
Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?"Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.
— Jim Butcher, Ghost Story
Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.
— Adam Rex, Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.
— Lora Leigh, Lawe's Justice
Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business.
— Brian Jacques, Redwall
I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.
— K.A. Mitchell, Bad Boyfriend
I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they've vanished, but no, they just barricade themselves right next to the bone and hurt.
— Lili St. Crow, Strange Angels
Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?" And Grandpa Nate answered, "Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?
— E.L. Konigsburg, The View from Saturday
The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.
— Christy Leigh Stewart
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
— Mark Twain
Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Side of the Moon
Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.
— Charlotte Perkins Gilman, If I Were a Man
In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,worse, kissing up.It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I’d probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date.
— David Levithan, Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home
— Rachel Gibson, Any Man of Mine
Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.
— Holly Hood
Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork.
— Jackie Kessler, Hell's Belles
The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f
— Tara Janzen, Crazy Love
Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.
— Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.
— Laurie Halse Anderson
Keep up," said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. "I don't want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing's happened to you.""So don't bother.""Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you," he pointed out. "Well, I'd certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death."He blinked. "There is a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.
— Rick Riordan, The Serpent's Shadow
Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.
— Rick Riordan, The Serpent's Shadow
I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.
— Lemony Snicket, The Carnivorous Carnival
Whoa, Rebecca," Talia said smiling even wider, "Walking on the wild side, are we?"Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. "He - uh - I'm tutoring him.""She is," Han said solemnly. "She's very good. I'm learning a lot."Pearlie snickered. "What's she teaching you?""Well," Han said, "we're jumping around a lot.
— Cinda Williams Chima, The Exiled Queen
Pops added,"you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected," (Katherine) replied.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?
— George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.
— Dannika Dark, Sterling
Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
— Carroll Bryant
You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.
— Libba Bray, Beauty Queens
His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. "Well, Sadie," Inspector Williams said. "You've got quite an imagination." "I'm not lying, Inspector. And I think your eyebrow is trying to escape." He tried to look at his own eyebrows, then scowled.
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.
— Bauvard, The Prince Of Plungers
Shit," Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.
— Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Ancient Chinese proverb,” he said, heading toward the kitchen.“He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.
— Brad Boney, The Nothingness of Ben
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Sir," returned Mrs. Sparsit, " I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I have heard him, what I should prefer to describe as partially choke. I have heard him on such occasions produce sounds of a nature similar to what may be heard in dutch clocks. Not," said Mrs. Sparsit, with a lofty sense of giving strict evidence, " That I would convey any imputation on his moral character. Far from it.
— Charles Dickens, Hard Times
And she didn't once say anything about this being a sin. It used to be I got the word sin slapped in my face every time I did something wrong, but come on, when you live in a sin-free family with sin-free parents and a sin-free sister, well, you can't help but sin a little extra on their behalf.
— Han Nolan, Pregnant Pause
Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!
— Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
— Steven Wright
Nero lowered his head to speak in her ear, keeping his hands on her arms to lock her in place. “My problem is simple, Elle. I have a problem with you having no trouble saying thank you to someone else. I have a problem with you wrapping your arms around someone else. And I have a big fucking problem with you not minding kissing someone else. Not one fucking time have you done any of those things to me without my asking, or just doing it because you want to, not because I want you to.
— Sarah Brianne, Nero
And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.""Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
That's not what he meant," Rachel says again, pink flushing her cheeks."Actually, I meant-" I start to say, but Willow cuts me off."What? It's true. He looks at you like he'd like to dip you in sugar and eat you up.
— C.J. Redwine, Defiance
That kiss you gave me was the hottest kiss i've ever had. I pulled away because i was afraid i wouldn't be able to stop myself from ripping off your clothes. And that didn't seem like the right way to end a first date. I didn't want you to think that was all i was interested in."She stared at him. There was silence again, but this time she didn't worry about how long it went on."Why didn't you tell me?" She said finally."I tried to, but every time i saw you afterward you disappeared. I got the feeling you were avoiding me.""i didn't want things to be awkward.""Yeah, there was nothing awkward about you hiding behind a plant when i came into the dining hall at lunch on wednesday.""I wasn't hiding. I was, um, breathing. You know, oxygen. From the plant. Very oxygenated, that air is.""Of course. I should have thought of that.""It's a healthy thing. Not many people know about it.
— Michele Jaffe, Prom Nights from Hell
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.
— Jim Gaffigan
It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.
— Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
You must be careful when you ask people whether they’re happy
—  it’s a question that can upset them a great deal.
When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit.
— A. Lee Martinez, Gil's All Fright Diner
Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.
— Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress
Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it's like "Hey, we're both doing the same thing. Let's be friends for a second.
— Neil Pasricha, The Book of Awesome
I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.
— Ewan McGregor
Your on your on with this one babe.""Coward.""Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."-Ranger and Stephanie
— Janet Evanovich, To the Nines
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
— Bette Davis
Guess we're going north," Dev said slowly."Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy's in the well.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
He sniggered.He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now.
— Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?
— MaryJanice Davidson, Sleeping with the Fishes
You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.
— Roman Payne
That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.”“Question a plant?”“Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.”“Schopenwho?”“He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?
— Kate Carlisle, Homicide in Hardcover
What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time for silly moods
— Amber Kizer, Meridian
We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic," not blind.
— Glenn Beck
I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now.
— Anne Stuart, The Devil's Waltz
Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
Cole, for Christ's sake, will you stop staring at me like I'm beefcake of the month?
— Simon Holt, Soulstice
Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.
— Wes Locher, Musings on Minutiae
Madison answered. “I said, ‘The Queen thinks the King’s a pussy for sending her to retrieve me. I dare him to catch me if he can.
— Gracen Miller, Pandora's Box
I don’t have any regrets,” a famous movie actor said in an interview I recently witnessed. “I’d live everything over exactly the same way.” “That’s really pathetic,” the talk show host said. “Are you seeking help?” “Yeah. My shrink says we’re making progress. Before, I wouldn’t even admit that I would live it all over,” the actor said, starting to choke up. “I thought one life was satisfying enough.” “My God,” the host said, cupping his hand to his mouth. “The first breakthrough was when I said I would live it over, but only in my dreams. Nocturnal recurrence.” “You’re like the character in that one movie of yours. What’s it called? You know, the one where you eat yourself.”“The Silence of Sam.”“That’s it. Can you do the scene?”The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The audience goes wild.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they’re above the law.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Jev stroked his chin. "Do I look like a summer fling?
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Silence
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.
— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen," Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on.He tugged the chain again.Light went off.Oh for gods' sake, he had a mean case of ADD sometimes. "Apollo," I snapped.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, The Return
They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed.
— Rachel Caine, Carpe Corpus
Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.
— Chris Owen, Bareback
Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.
— Penny Reid, Love Hacked
They say the path of true love never runs smooth. Well, Luke and my true love's path didn't run at all, it limped along in new boots that were chafing its heels. Blistered and cut, red and raw, every hopping, lopsided step, a little slice of agony.
— Marian Keyes, Rachel's Holiday
Does he give you zings in your things?
— Penny Reid, Beauty and the Mustache
Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?
— Tara Kelly, Amplified
It's a sweet setup, I'll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.' Yesterday, she'd just stopped herself from raising her clenched hands above her head and chasing one of them around the room groaning, 'I vant to suck your blood.
— Kresley Cole, A Hunger Like No Other
I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.
— Kristin Cashore
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....
— Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single
No guest rooms.” I shake my head resolutely. “I want to be in a room room. A lived-in room.
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I got stung by a jellyfish. Tim cried because his mother, and mine, wouldn’t let him pee on my leg, which he’d heard was an antidote to the sting.
— Huntley Fitzpatrick, My Life Next Door
But you won’t abdicate."Of course not. It’s my duty to go on, to maintain the line. I can’t possibly fail in that. It’s as if you and I were throwing a ball back and forth to establish a record, and had been doing so for a millennium. You cannot drop a ball that has remained airborne through good effort for most of a thousand years. You cannot stop an unlikely heart that has been beating for so long. I would rather die than betray continuity, for its own sake if for nothing else. And Britain needs a king, just as it needs motormen and cooks and a prime minister. Just as it needs soldiers who will die for it if they must. It’s my job, or it will be, but you should know that I’ve never wanted it. I was only born to it, as if with a deformity, to which I hope I can respond with grace."Fredericka had been running her finger over the carpet, tracing a pattern in the way children do when they have learnt something overwhelming and are moved, but cannot say so. Freddy expected her to look up, with tears, and that in this moment she might have begun the long and arduous process of becoming a queen. She was so beautiful. To embrace her now, with high emotion flowing from her physical majesty, was all he wanted in the world. Her finger stopped moving, and she turned her eyes to him.Freddy?"Yes?" he answered.What’s raw egg? I read a recipe in She that called for a cup of raw egg. What is that?"After a long silence, Freddy asked, "Which part of the formulation escapes you? Egg? Raw? The link between the two?"The two what?"Fredericka?"Yes, Freddy?"Would you like to go dancing?"Oh, yes Freddy!"Come then. We will.
— Mark Helprin, Freddy and Fredericka
Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say 'Thou waitest till thy woman's fingers wrought the best that lay within thy woman's heart.
— Annie Fellows Johnston
I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.
— Georgia Saratsioti, Dreaming is for lovers
I happen to be a fantastic kisser. Sadly, you will never get to find out.”“Never say never,” he answers in a singsong voice.“Thanks for that, Justin Bieber. But yeah, not going to happen, dude.
— Elle Kennedy, The Deal
You want to stab me again, don't you?"He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."I groaned. "I've created a monster.""I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers. "It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free..."You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in armor bent on…chivalry.He’s as sweet as…tupelo honey; just like honey, baby…from the bee."=> For those who read and liked "When Irish eyes are sparkling"Can i have a musician here?
— Tom  Collins
Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combinedwith the imperative of accomplishing nothing.
— Alexander Theroux, Darconville’s Cat
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
— George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.
— Richard Paul Evans, The Prisoner of Cell 25
You didn't have to go to the fireworks with him. Or - or let him fondle you.""Fondle?" Raisa raised her eyebrows, "When did I mention fondling?
— Cinda Williams Chima, The Exiled Queen
Kyo Sohma: angrily pointing at Yuki Just like I'll beat you one of these days  Yuki: looking bored Wait wait I think I've heard this one before
— Natsuki Takaya
The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.
— Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist
Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.
— Karen Miller
What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...
— Tsugumi Ohba
They walked to school, talking about how much they were longing for the summer holidays."Oh, I am planning things," said Jamie. "Great, great things. I could join a band.""You gave up the guitar after two lessons.""Well," he said, "I could be a backup dancer.""Backup dancers have to wear belly shirts and glitter," said Mae. "So obviously, I support this plan.
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.
— Al Capone
IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!""Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight.
— Kenneth Oppel, Skybreaker
And," added Mikey. "she's my sister."The others looked at him for a moment, and broke out laughing."Yeah, yeah," Squirrel scoffed, "and the McGill is my cousin."Now Allie burst out laughing, which made Mikey more annoyed."If the McGill was your cousin," Mikey said, "I can guarantee he'd disown you.
— Neal Shusterman, Everwild
He's all right. His hair is cute."Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love.""I'm not in love.""'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.""Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.
— MaryJanice Davidson, Sleeping with the Fishes
Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed."Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr."Oh, shit!" Weetzie said."I beg your pardon? Is that your wish?
— Francesca Lia Block, Weetzie Bat
As we drove uptown, I spotted a Kmart on a corner,with its familiar red sign.I cleared my throat."Wait. Can we stop for a minute?""What for?""Just - I need a few things."He looked irritated, but pulled into a metered space. "We don't really have time to go shopping."I glared at him."yeah, excuse me for being so frivolous. You have your suitcase all packed already; I dont even have clean underwear.I'll be right back.
— L.A. Weatherly
Well," Ben went on,"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They're located in a special display case known as 'my scrotum.'" Radar laughed, and Ben continued. "I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonald's, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls.
— John Green, Paper Towns
Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?""Lacrosse field trip," I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.
— Robin Benway, The Extraordinary Secrets of April, May, & June
Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?
— Janet Evanovich, To the Nines
Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did.
— Maggie Shayne, Colder than Ice
Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
— Victor Borge
Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?""Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.""Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.
— MaryJanice Davidson, Sleeping with the Fishes
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
— Jack Benny
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
— Steven Wright
Today vegetables. Tomorrow...the world!
— Deborah Howe
The only difference between me and a famous writer is that I do not want to be famous.
— Santosh Kalwar
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
— Steven Wright
It's a booley village," Ian told her. "The islanders used to take their animals into the hills for the summ. They'd camp out in these stone huts: men, women, and children. Everyone stayed up all night, sang, told stories, watched the stars. It must have been great craic." "How do you know this stuff?" she asked, admiringly. "I' a bloody genius." When she threw him a look, he grinned. " I also read it in the guidebook.
— O.R. Melling, The Summer King
She made an impatient noise. "By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?""Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ... 
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
I know this is war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.
— Rick Riordan, The Serpent's Shadow
You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger?
— Kendare Blake, Anna Dressed in Blood
A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. 'What do you want, Richard?'Richard Morrell's police cruiser was parked in the drive. He hadn't flashed any lights or howled any sirens, so she supposed it wasn't an emergency, exactly. But she knew him well enough to know he didn't pay social visits, at least not to the Glass House.'Good question,' Richard said. 'I guess I want a nice girl who can cook, likes action movies, and looks good in short skirts. But I'll settle for you taking the chain off the door and letting me in.
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. "Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?"I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "Is this gonna make me want to hit you?"He shrugged. "Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long?
— Rachel Vincent, My Soul to Steal
So what's the plan?” Ben asked.“Go inside. Look around. Improvise.”“Brilliant." Hi stroked his chin. “Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?
— Kathy Reichs, Exposure
A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
Fred and George exchanged looks."You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. "We could curtsy, if you like," said George. "Oh, shut up," said Ron, scowling at them.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Maybe you’re not so bad after all.’He leant across the seat, jabbing his finger in the air. ‘If you tell anyone, I’ll deny it. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.
— Catherine Doyle, Inferno
That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off.The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay 
— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.
— Amanda Hocking
At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?
— Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls' Dance
Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.
— Fanny Merkin, Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Dude, you're scaring the crap out of me,' said Nick. 'I'm serious, I literally have no crap right now.
— Mark Frost, The Paladin Prophecy
I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged
— Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?
— Martin Freeman
I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.
— Liz Tuccillo, How to Be Single
[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.
— Harry Truman