c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
You're a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.""Nonsense," he said. "You just have to promise me that I won't have to do a thing, and then I'll do anything you want.""Anything?""Anything that doesn't require doing anything.""That's nothing, then.""Is it?""Yes.""Well, that's something.
— Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker
I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.
— Steve Martin
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
— Chelsea Handler
Bursar?""Yes, Archchancellor?""You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?""Me? No, Archchancellor.""Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
— Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
He held up his index finger. "Rule one: in any dispute between mates, themale is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two"—his middle finger joined thefirst—"whenever in doubt, refer to rule one.
— C.L. Wilson, Lord of the Fading Lands
And what have I done?" What? WHAT?...You've stolen them." With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who "them" was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.
— Jim Butcher, Skin Game
I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!!
— Junnita Jackson
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
— Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left
Oh, Hazel is awesome," Don Said. "She's so nice! All the other campers are like 'Go away Don.' But she's like 'Please go away, Don.' I love her!
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
One can never have enough socks
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.
— Aeschylus
You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case effect follows very quickly on cause.
— Arthur Schopenhauer
Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.”“You have read this?” Alexei asked.“It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.”Harry found himself rendered speechless.“I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.”“Silent?” Harry echoed.“There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.
— Julia Quinn, What Happens in London
People often think I'm a faker, but I'm usually honest, in a certain way--in such a way that often nobody believes me!
— Richard Feynman
Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose.
— Dorothy Parker
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
— Bohumil Hrabal, I Served the King of England
Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?
— Neil deGrasse Tyson, Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier
I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.
— Jeff Kinney
My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective
—  I fully intend to die in the very first wave.Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)
The three of you are enough to drive a mara mad.'She can wear my shirt," she growled in an imitation of Nash."No,she can wear my shirt,"she said switching to Tod's smoother tone.Then Sabine took off down the hall without a glance at any of us."I have a spare.Come on, Kaylee,before I choke on testosterone and melodrama.
— Rachel Vincent, Before I Wake
It's amazing what flipping a grown man over her shoulder does for a girl.
— Myra McEntire, Hourglass
Whew! You two are blowing hotter air than a tornado circlin’ a volcano in Hades.
— Colleen Houck
They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.
— Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic
[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?
— Bill Watterson
Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is."(Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
— Bill Hicks
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
— Erma Bombeck
Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.
— A.A. Milne
It took a qualified wizard to detect a summoning in progress. It required only a half-literate idiot with a twitch of power and a dim idea of how to use it to attempt one. Before you knew it, a three-headed Slavonic god was wreaking havoc in downtown Atlanta, the skies were raining winged snakes, and SWAT was screaming for more ammo.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites
Harry, we saw Uranus up close!” said Ron, still giggling feebly. “Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus — ha ha ha —
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
And so the Universe ended.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Look, Laszlo. I'll have the dentist with me, and I don't want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk."Shanna halted. Her mouth dropped open. Her throat seized up, making it hard to breathe.I don't care how much crap you have in the trunk. We're not driving around with a naked body in the car."Oh no! She gasped for air. He was a hit man.
— Kerrelyn Sparks, How to Marry a Millionaire Vampire
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
— Jean Kerr
I'm not bossy - I just happen to be more capable than most everyone else.
— Shannon Hale, The Actor and the Housewife
And Daniel?" She asked."Daniel was a player-""Hey!" "That's what they called the actors." Bill rolled his eyes.
— Lauren Kate, Passion
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
— Ricky Gervais
I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!
— Richard Feynman, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
— Kim Harrison, Once Dead, Twice Shy
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
— David Foster Wallace
Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?" I hissed. "If I'd wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I'd have mooned everyone before we took off!
— Jennifer Rardin, One More Bite
Compromise is a stalling between two fools.
— Stephen Fry
Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is"Sure" said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour
— Cassandra Clare
Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?
— Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet," Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow.
— Lisa Kleypas, Secrets of a Summer Night
Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized.
— Christopher Moore, You Suck
What about a teakettle? What if the spout opened and closed when the steam came out, so it would become a mouth, and it could whistle pretty melodies, or do Shakespeare, or justcrack up with me? I could invent a teakettle that reads in Dad’s voice, so I could fall asleep, or maybe a set of kettles that sings the chorus of “Yellow Submarine,” which is a song by the Beatles, who I love, because entomology is one of my raisons d’être, which is a French expression that I know. Another good thing is that I could train my anus to talk when I farted. If I wanted to be extremely hilarious, I’d train it to say, “Wasn’t me!” every time I made an incredibly bad fart. And if I ever made an incredibly bad fart in the Hall of Mirrors, which is in Versailles, which is outside of Paris, which is in France, obviously, my anus would say, “Ce n’étais pas moi!”What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboard down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war.
— Jonathan Safran Foer
Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.
— Shannon L. Alder
Sarcasm creates a chasm between yourself and others.
— Gayle Forman
Don't you see Blaynie." Mitch put his arm around her shoulders. "You're like an illegitimate little sister that I never wanted.
— Shelly Laurenston, Beast Behaving Badly
Charlotte: "It’s too bad they don’t give out diplomas for what you learn at the mall, because I could graduate with honors in that subject. No really. Since I’ve worked there, I’ve become an expert on all things shopping-related. For example, I can tell you right off who to distrust at the mall:1) Skinny people who work at Cinnabon. I mean, if they’re not eating the stuff they sell, how good can it be?2) The salesladies at department store makeup counters. No matter what they tell you, buying all that lip gloss will not make you look like the pouty models in the store posters.3) And most importantly—my best friend’s boyfriend, Bryant, who showed up at the food court with a mysterious blonde draped on his arm.
— Janette Rallison, It's a Mall World After All
Hunky Heroes, rescuing distressed women, captive princesses, and girls without wheels since 1684. p. 450
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
I commend my soul to any god that can find it.
— Terry Pratchett, Going Postal
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back.""You're kidding, right?"He shrugged. "You have no proof either."She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?""Maybe."An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
— Marissa Meyer, Scarlet
Fuck you," said Czernobog. "Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rode in on. You will not even die in battle. No warrior will taste your blood. No one alive will take your life. You will die a soft, poor death. You will die with a kiss on your lips and a lie in your heart.
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods
I can see why you like it here," he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle's collection of movie posters and science fiction books. "There's a thin layer of nerd all over everything." said Jace."Thanks. I appreciate that." Simon gave Jace a hard look.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
Frostpine made a face. Lifting the cup, he dumped its contents down his throat. “Auugghh!” he yelled, his voice stronger than it had been since his return from the harbor. "Are you trying to kill me, woman?""If I mean to kill someone, I do it," Rosethorn told him. "I don't try.
— Tamora Pierce, Tris's Book
There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.
— Lish McBride, Hold Me Closer, Necromancer
You know,” she said dreamily, passing over his question, “you’re not nearly as handsome as Lord St.Vincent.”“There’s a surprise,” he said dryly.“But for some reason,” she continued, “I never want to kiss him the way I do you.” It was a good thing that she had closed her eyes, for if she had seen his expression, she might not have continued. “There is something about you that makes me feel terribly wicked. You make me want to do shocking things. Maybe it’s because you’re so proper. Your necktie is never crooked, and your shoes are always shiny. And your shirts are so starchy. Sometimes when I look at you, I want to tear off all your buttons. Or set your trousers on fire.
— Lisa Kleypas, It Happened One Autumn
We scarified a mosquito. I bet that's what did it. It was probably a virgin too.
— Kelley Armstrong, Broken
Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder
— John Green, Paper Towns
Then there were the shabti, magical figurines that were supposed to come to life when summoned. A few months ago, I’d fallen for a girl named Zia Rashid, who’d turned out to be a shabti. Falling in love for the first time had been hard enough. But when the girl you like turns out to be ceramic and cracks to pieces before your eyes—well, it gives “breaking your heart” a new meaning.
— Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire
Kitty need's a tounge bath
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.
— Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story
Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.
— Stephen King, Under the Dome
Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth moving as he hummed, Jenks finished unpacking the sacks. I was half dead, Ivy was whoring herself to keep me safe, but Jenks was okay as long as he had chocolate.
— Kim Harrison, A Fistful of Charms
Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn't she look exactly like Cher?'Wow, that's insane. She does look just like young Cher,' Erin said.Yeah, before she started wearing those white wigs. What the hell's up with that?' Shaunee said.Damien gave the Twins a look. 'There is nothing wrong with Cher. Absolutely. Nothing.'Uh-oh,' Shaunee said.Stepped on a gay nerve,' Erin agreed.
— P.C. Cast, Burned
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Are you okay? You seem ...soggy.""Soggy?""Yes." Heather nodded. "Like you're a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.
— Chelsea Fine, Anew
I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.
— P.G. Wodehouse, A Wodehouse Bestiary
Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind
—  it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.
What are you?" she asked. "A monster," said Kell hoarsely. "You'd better let me go." The girl gave a small, mocking laugh. "Monsters don't faint in the presence of ladies." "Ladies don't dress like men and pick pockets," retorted Kell. Her smile only sharpened. "What are you really?" "Tied to your bed," said Kell matter-of-factly. "And?" His brow furrowed. "And in trouble.
— Victoria Schwab, A Darker Shade of Magic
The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.
— Chris Kyle, American Sniper: The Autobiography of the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History
– and pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are alright; you can talk to them and try to help them out. But pompous fools – guys who are fools and covering it all over and impressing people as to how wonderful they are with all this hocus pocus – THAT, I CANNOT STAND! An ordinary fool isn’t a faker; an honest fool is all right. But a dishonest fool is terrible!
— Richard Feynman, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Well, Mr. Frankel, who started this program, began to suffer from the computer disease that anybody who works with computers now knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is you *play* with them. They are so wonderful. You have these switches - if it's an even number you do this, if it's an odd number you do that - and pretty soon you can do more and more elaborate things if you are clever enough, on one machine.After a while the whole system broke down. Frankel wasn't paying any attention; he wasn't supervising anybody. The system was going very, very slowly - while he was sitting in a room figuring out how to make one tabulator automatically print arc-tangent X, and then it would start and it would print columns and then bitsi, bitsi, bitsi, and calculate the arc-tangent automatically by integrating as it went along and make a whole table in one operation.Absolutely useless. We *had* tables of arc-tangents. But if you've ever worked with computers, you understand the disease - the *delight* in being able to see how much you can do. But he got the disease for the first time, the poor fellow who invented the thing.
— Richard Feynman, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
[Ranger] "How's your mental health?" he asked. "I heard about Soder."[Stephanie] "I'm rattled.""I have a cure."Oh, boy.He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. "I know what you're thinking," he said. "And that wasn't where I was going. I was going to suggest work.""I knew that."He looked over at me and grinned. "You want me bad."I did. God help me.
— Janet Evanovich
How come a boy can be so stupid, but a Daddy, who actually used to be a BOY himself, can be so wonderful?
— Jillian Dodd, That Boy
Have you met the French? My...GOD they know how to party!
— Steven Moffat, The Brilliant Book of Doctor Who 2011
Am I still married to a cat? (Adrian)
— Richelle Mead, The Ruby Circle
Hey!" Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. "No man left behind."Nick scoffed. "This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infinity
How poor are they that have no patients! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?'""Shakespeare isn't going to save you this time, Superman. Your time's run out."!
— Colleen Houck, Tiger's Voyage
KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command-including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good luck.-The Chief
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Hate. Huh. He'd never hated himself. If anything, he'd always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn't denied it, either, and next time he'd slept with her, he'd made sure to scream, "Strider" at the pivotal moment." --Strider, keeper of the demon of Defeat--
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Secret
I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.
— Jim Butcher, Vignette
Did you get notes for me?""No", Ronan replied,"I thought you were dead in a ditch.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys
Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you?
— Jim Butcher, White Night
Kalle Fucking Blomkvist
— Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Played with Fire
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
— Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
It's awful to be rich and mind-boggingly handsome and have women fawn over you. My heart bleeds for you. Poor dear, how do you manage?
— Ilona Andrews, On the Edge
Sunshine, I... Starla's voice broke off as she entered the room and caught sight of him standing naked in the corner. She eyed him in an odd, detached way, as if he were an interesting piece of furniture.Talon and modesty were strangers, but the way she stared at him made him damned uncomfortable. In spite of the sunlight, Talon grabbed the pink blanket off the bed and clutched it to his middle.You know, Sunshine, you need to find a man like that to marry. Someone so well hung that even after three or four kids, he'd still be wall to wall.Talon gaped.Sunshine laughed. "Starla, you're embarrassing him.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Night Embrace
And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word.
— Dorothy Parker
He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn't have any muscles).
— Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones
She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl
— Eoin Colfer
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.
— Roger Zelazny, Sign of the Unicorn
I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien.
— Patricia Briggs, Fair Game
I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. 
— Brian Regan
Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.
— Lisa McMann, Wake
How’s Her Royal Bitchiness?” “Alive.” “Pity.
— Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant. "'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned. I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
— Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
— Stephen Colbert, I Am America
You look angry," he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
— Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked
By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.
— Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping
It was a trap after all,” Alric said. He turned to Royce. “My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia.
— Michael J. Sullivan, Theft of Swords
Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Right Ho, Jeeves
College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?
— David Wood
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”“Then use a harpoon.
— Loretta Chase, Lord of Scoundrels
She wished, as almost all kids wish at one point or another, that she could turn into a pterodactyl and fly away and never come back.
— Gina Damico, Croak
No. Absolutely not.''Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.''The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?''Yes.''No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.''This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.''Simon—'Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?
— Marquis de Sade
Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.
— Jim Butcher, White Night
Tink's a Disneyland whore!"-Jenks
— Kim Harrison
I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
Another night then,' Mom said. 'Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.' 'Or,' I said turning to Rafe, 'if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event you could just submit your life story including your view on politics religion and every social issue imaginable along with anything else you think they might need to conduct a thorough background check.'  Mom sighed. 'I really don't know why we even bother trying to be subtle around you.' 'Neither do I. It's not like he isn't going to realize he's being vetted as daughter-dating material.'  Rafe grinned. 'So we are dating.' 'No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It'll take you awhile to compile the data. They'd like it in triplicate.' I turned to my parents. 'We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't yet officially dating I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need.' Dad choked on his coffee.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
— W.C. Fields
Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time.
— Tamora Pierce, Alanna: The First Adventure
Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
— Tallulah Bankhead
Anyone who takes on my sister," he had postured once, all puffed-out bravado, "will have to deal with ...my sister." And then he'd dived behind her and cowered.
— Laini Taylor, Dreams of Gods & Monsters
I'm Razo, a member of Bayern's Own," he said, stopping himself from adding "Loafing is just a hobby of mine.""Bayern's Own? But you're a child." Razo looked up to the sky. "I'm not a child, I'm just short.
— Shannon Hale, River Secrets
There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ......Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth.
— Bill Maher
Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He's heading back to the hideout now. And I've been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.Aizowa: That clinches it.Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here.
— Tsugumi Ohba, Death Note, Vol. 9: Contact
All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.
— Gordon B. Hinckley
Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand
—  pen mighter than the sword and so forth.
This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much.
— Kristin Hannah, Firefly Lane
If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?
— Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember
Is there a particular reason you keep biting vampires?"Will touched the dried blood on his wrists, and smiled. "They don't expect it.""Of course they don't. They know what happens when one of us consumes vampire blood. They probablyexpect you to have more sense.""That expectation never seems to serve them very well, does it?
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
Eve: “If you ended up naked and dead with another woman, I'd do the Rumba on your corpse.”Roarke: “You can't do the Rumba.”Eve: “I'd take lessons first.”Roarke: “You might very well. Not that you'll ever get the chance, but you'd also grieve.” Eve: “Wouldn't give you the satisfaction. You cheating f-wit putz. "Roarke: “You'd weep in the dark and call my name.”Eve: “Call your name alright. How are things in hell? You dickless bastard. And I'd laugh and laugh, that's how I''d call your name.”Roarke: “Christ Jesus Eve, I love you.”--Eve, Roarke
— J.D. Robb, Divided in Death
About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.
— The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody
Hatori: "SHIGURE... I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD..."Shigure: "Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!
— Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you.
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
The only reason I'm friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.
— Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars
EH.MA.GAWD.
— Lisi Harrison
You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Call Me Irresistible
If you get yourself killed, I'll find your grave and spit on it," she threatened.
— Julie Garwood, Honor's Splendour
I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.
— Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
— Nicolas Chamfort
You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.
— Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.
— Albert Camus
One, remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don't throw it away.
— Stephen Hawking
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
— William Shakespeare, Hamlet
A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
— Albert Einstein
Wise men speak because they have something to say
—  fools because they have to say something.
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.
— Benjamin Spock
Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.
— Frank Zappa
There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.
— Elie Wiesel
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
— Bertrand Russell
The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.
— Albert Einstein, The World As I See It
Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisioned by the enemy, don't we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we're partisans of liberty, then it's our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!
— J.R.R. Tolkien
We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.
— Malcolm X, By Any Means Necessary
Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
— Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
A truth that's told with bad intentBeats all the lies you can invent.
— William Blake, Auguries of Innocence
When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think
— Socrates
Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.
— Lao Tzu, Tao Teh Ching
We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.
— Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday
You only live twice:Once when you are bornAnd once when you look death in the face
— Ian Fleming, You Only Live Twice
Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard, are sweeter
— John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn and Other Poems
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. 
— William S. Burroughs
The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.
— Plato
Music is ... A higher revelation than all Wisdom & Philosophy
— Ludwig van Beethoven
If you win, you need not have to explain...If you lose, you should not be there to explain!
— Adolf Hitler
Like all magnificent things, it's very simple.
— Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting
I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
— Yann Martel, Life of Pi
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
— Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
Science is not only compatible with spirituality
—  it is a profound source of spirituality.
An intellectual? Yes. And never deny it. An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. I like this, because I am happy to be both halves, the watcher and the watched. "Can they be brought together?" This is a practical question. We must get down to it. "I despise intelligence" really means: "I cannot bear my doubts.
— Albert Camus
It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.
— Gabriel García Márquez
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Is life a multiple choice test or is it a true or false test?" ...Then a voice comes to me out of the dark and says, "We hate to tell you this but life is a thousand word essay.
— Charles M. Schulz
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
— Confucius
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
— Ludwig Wittgenstein
Let children read whatever they want and then talk about it with them. If parents and kids can talk together, we won't have as much censorship because we won't have as much fear.
— Judy Blume
Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.
— Plato
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
— Albert Einstein
Well, I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Back, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.
— Charles Bukowski, Women
I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.
— Bruce Lee
You didn't kill him. He would have killed you, but you didn't kill him.""So? He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep.
— Tamora Pierce, In the Hand of the Goddess
If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet.
— Keith Richards, Keith Richards: In His Own Words
It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.
— Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
— Socrates
The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way.
— Rollo May
The first duty of a man is to think for himself
— José Martí
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
— Bill Hicks
The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.
— Ayn Rand
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Expect everything, I always say, and the unexpected never happens.
— Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
We have come from God, and inevitably the myths woven by us, though they contain error, will also reflect a splintered fragment of the true light, the eternal truth that is with God. Indeed only by myth-making, only by becoming 'sub-creator' and inventing stories, can Man aspire to the state of perfection that he knew before the Fall. Our myths may be misguided, but they steer however shakily towards the true harbour, while materialistic 'progress' leads only to a yawning abyss and the Iron Crown of the power of evil.
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Time is a game played beautifully by children.
— Heraclitus, Fragments
The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
— Thomas Jefferson
I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle.
— Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than they who produce them; for these only gave them life, those the art of living well.
— Aristotle
I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.
— Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.
— Alan W. Watts
One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.
— Epictetus
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.
— Albert Einstein
Maybe each human being lives in a unique world, a private world different from those inhabited and experienced by all other humans. . . If reality differs from person to person, can we speak of reality singular, or shouldn't we really be talking about plural realities? And if there are plural realities, are some more true (more real) than others? What about the world of a schizophrenic? Maybe it's as real as our world. Maybe we cannot say that we are in touch with reality and he is not, but should instead say, His reality is so different from ours that he can't explain his to us, and we can't explain ours to him. The problem, then, is that if subjective worlds are experienced too differently, there occurs a breakdown in communication ... and there is the real illness.
— Philip K. Dick
I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people-to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole, to see the cause and think it's the effect or vice versa
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
If you understand others you are smart.If you understand yourself you are illuminated.If you overcome others you are powerful.If you overcome yourself you have strength.If you know how to be satisfied you are rich.If you can act with vigor, you have a will.If you don't lose your objectives you can be long-lasting.If you die without loss, you are eternal.
— Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
belief is the death of intelligence.
— Robert Anton Wilson, Cosmic Trigger: Die letzten Geheimnisse der Illuminaten oder An den Grenzen des erweiterten Bewusstseins
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
— Bertrand Russell
I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.
— Douglas Coupland, The Gum Thief
One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
— Plato
The journey is what brings us happiness not the destination.
— Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives