c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
I have the most fantastic, stupendous, magnificent idea. Why it’s better than television," he said, standing there in red, tartan pyjamas, his beard in a sleepy tangle. Dunn's Magnificent Idea
— E L Parfitt
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,' said Maxie.'I know how that feels,' said Blue.'I think some Pharaoh had that carved on his tomb,' Maxie added.'Yeah? Times don't change much, do they?
— Charlie Higson, The Enemy
One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.
— Winston Groom, Forrest Gump
It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks.
— Winston Groom, Forrest Gump
There are only three rules in life. Traffic is real, Fire Burns and You Cannot Fly
— Unknown
I couldn't possibly repeat the words he used .They were so unsettling that I sent Nancy indoors to find my spectacles.
— John Bude, The Cheltenham Square Murder
How do I look?" he asked.Barret grinned. "Old."Moog glanced over appraisingly. "Tired."Gabriel snorted a laugh. "Fuck you guys.
— Nicholas Eames, Kings of the Wyld
They’d tried to diagnose him but there was no apparent medical explanation for his behaviour. He was just what his mum called ‘away with the fairies’ and Max called ‘a bit of a lost cunt.
— Eve Dangerfield, Open Hearts
He wasn’t a pretty boy, his nose was crooked and his grin lopsided, but he had that square-jawed, salt-of-the-earth handsome look that made a girl think of loose-hipped cowboys and demanding Scottish Lairds. And speaking of Scottish Lairds, old mate was a redhead. Usually gingers weren’t her scene but this guy’s hair was the rich coppery-auburn of a fox's pelt. It gleamed like rose gold under the floodlights, his short beard the exact colour as the stuff on his head. Big Red was doing it for her. Big time. And apparently, the feeling was mutual.
— Eve Dangerfield, Open Hearts
Mr. Cupples came out of his reverie. "I think," he said, "I will have milk and soda-water." "Speak lower!" urged Trent. "The head-waiter has a weak heart, and he might hear you.
— E.C. Bentley, Trent's Last Case
There's only one thing to do in crisis like this - SLEEP ON IT!Garfield, the cat.
— Jim Davis
where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it upand extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.
— Terry Pratchett
Youir're doing this wrong.
— Will Advise
Everybody means by an open mind, a mind which contains their prejudices but not somebody else's.
— John Oulton Wisdom, Man and the Science of Man
No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari. Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse.
— Jessica Khoury, Origin
He laughs. "No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.""That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.""Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari." Eio swings the string of fruit back and forth. " Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse."My mouth freezes in mid-bite, and I stare at him. "You're teasing me."A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Maybe.
— Jessica Khoury, Origin
It's never a good day when an ancient demon shows up on your toilet bowl.
— Angie Fox, The Accidental Demon Slayer
I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father
— Robert Rankin, Apocalypso
Some of my best friends are women,' I snapped, 'though I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to marry one of them.
— Kyril Bonfiglioli, Don't Point that Thing at Me
Aye, it could', Ian added. 'It's many a time when I've walked alone on the misty moors of Scotland, the fog creeping in, the waves pounding against the shore, and then the lone, eerie call of a dead chicken. Caaa-cluck. Caaa-cluck
— Terri Reid, Delayed Departures
The night before, a whole day could have shape and design. But when it was upon you, it could vanish tragically to air.
— Lorrie Moore, Birds of America
Ah don't hate the English. They're just wankers. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a decent, vibrant, healthy culture to be colonised by. No. We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us?
— Irvine Welsh, Trainspotting
Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.
— Mark Twain
There’s always an opportunity to fish for something – even if it’s just for laughs or ideas.
— Fennel Hudson, Traditional Angling - Fennel's Journal - No. 6
But he survived, that radio announcer. His ship and five others out of the flotilla of ten came through, a bit radioactive, but otherwise unharmed. And I understand that the first thing that happened to him when he reported back to his office after treatmentwas a reprimand for the use of overcolloquial language which had given offense to a number of listeners by its neglect of the Third Commandment.
— John Wyndham
Life summed up with a marketing slogan: Limited Edition!
— Kevin Focke
I fall off horses," he explained to Loghain with a sickly grin. "It's this thing I do.
— David Gaider, The Stolen Throne
I suppose we should contact the local authorities?” said W
— Ursula Vernon, Giant Trouble
Just answer the questions so I can get the fuck out of this backwards shithole before I start wanting to root a goat and marry my own brother.
— JD Nixon
Neither (brother) even glaced at the counter. She smiled. Her dumb brothers never cooked. She didn’t think they even knew how! A human being who needs food to live but cannot prepare that food to eat? Pathetic. In this case, it was an advantage. They weren’t interested in any food until it had been cooked for them.
— Nnedi Okorafor, Akata Witch
I only come out for food.
— Blair Holden, The Bad Boy's Girl
Queen Bee hates me. I know, as I reach the door, that nothing good waits for me on the other side. When you're called to see the Commanding Officer, you're either getting a medal or a kick in the arse.And I'm not getting any medals.
— John Owen Theobald, What the Raven Brings
The store was empty, without a single customer or employee. It appeared in the Internet age, pianos, like physical books, were fast becoming culturally extinct. They’d probably stay that way unless Apple invented the iPiano, which fit inside your pocket and could be mastered via text message. With the iPiano, anyone can be an iMozart. Then, you could compose your own iRequiem for your own iFuneral attended by millions of your iFriends who iLoved you.
— Marisha Pessl, Night Film
Let me say this: being an idiot is no box of chocolates. People laugh, lose patience, treat you shabby. Now they say folks supposed to be kind to the afflicted, but let me tell you this - it ain't always that way. Even so, I got no complaints, cause I reckon I done live a pretty interesting life, so to speak.
— Winston Groom, Forrest Gump
Maybe that’s why God made childbirth so painful, so that when your life is wrecked by children you know it could be worse.
— J.T. Lawrence, The Memory of Water
Company, you see - company is - is - it's a very different thing from solitude - an't it?
— Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers
There’s a saying in Hardorn,” she continued. “‘You shouldn’t attempt to teach a goat to sing. It will waste your time, hurt your ears, and annoy the goat.’ I can say without fear of contradiction that the goat is getting annoyed.
— Mercedes Lackey, Exile's Honor
Mr Gray didn't care much for Jonesy's body (or so he told himself; in truth it was hard not to feel at least some affection for something capable of providing such unexpected pleasures as 'bacon' and 'murder'), but it did have to take him another couple of hundred miles.
— Stephen King, Dreamcatcher
Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel
— Sebastien de Castell, Spellslinger
@mink: Well, you’re in luck, if you pick another movie. My hair is clean, I usually eat dinner around eight, and I’m currently single. Not that it matters.
— Jenn Bennett, Alex, Approximately
This is two romantic things in a row, so I figure I should praise him accordingly, because the boy responds well to positive reinforcement.
— Jenny Han, Always and Forever, Lara Jean
I stared in awe at the Lincoln Memorial. If Honest Abe had come to life and somehow managed to lift his bony twenty-three-foot, four-inch frame from his throne, what would he say? What would he do? Would he break-dance? Would he pitch pennies against the curbside? Would he read the paper and see that the Union he saved was now a dysfunctional plutocracy, that the people he freed were now slaves to rhythm, rap, and predatory lending, and that today his skill set would be better suited to the basketball court than the White House?
— Paul Beatty
Yes, you are still grieving for the fact that Olly is not loving you as you love him. But death is no solution. Certainly not this horrible, messy death. Could you at least not consider possible option that is not leaving you looking diabolical at funeral?"Oh, for the love of God.
— Lucy  Holliday
Oh, well, I know that Libby." He rolls his eyes. "I've never met anyone more committed to, well, life that you are.""Really?" I swallow rather hard. "Even though I keep on screwing my life up?""Sweetheart, precisely because you keep screwing your life up! I mean look at you. You had the crappiest career eve in the world before you turned everything around and became this shit-hot jewellery designer. You set your head on fire with a cigarette and ended up being utterly adored by the guy who had to put you out... And I do adore you, by the way," he adds, in a nonchalant sort of way, "in case you ever had wondered. Oh, and then there's your love of life. Loads of girls would have just sunk...
— Lucy  Holliday, A Night in with Grace Kelly
When Montmorency meets a cat, the whole street knows about it; and there is enough bad language wasted in ten seconds to last an ordinarily respectable man all his life, with care.
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
If we followed our feelings all the time we´d be like cats chasin´ their tails.
— Harper Lee
Och, away now, Ruari. You'll be telling us you're not knowing who that woman is next! Man, man, that's an awful affliction.” A grey-bristled, weather-beaten face beamed back at him.“And isn't it you that's making the drives in her car at the dead of night, too?” A female voice joined in from behind the sweets jars: “Oh my, Ruari ... 'tis a terrible thing the guilt of the carnal pleasures!”“I haven't had any carnal pleasures ... I simply got a lift home. You're terrible, right enough,” he defended himself.
— Robertson Tait, Riding a Strong Wind
I got married. A bright past is ahead of me!
— Ljupka Cvetanova, The New Land
I order six shots.I drink the first shot with lemon and salt and talk about Isha for 120 seconds.I drink the second shot with lemon and salt and talk about Isha and our love for 90 seconds.I drink the third shot with lemon and talk about future plans with wedding for 60 seconds.I drink the fourth and blabber for 30 seconds.I drink the fifth, I speak in a language no one can understand for ten seconds or less. I fall down.When I open my eyes, I see Diwa helping me sit in the car and put on the seat belt. I am knocked out.
— Saravana Kumar Murugan, Coffee Date
Mac had many admirable qualities, but not tact. He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow.
— P.G. Wodehouse
I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!'"Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!''Thought I might like to be set right?''No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!
— Georgette Heyer, The Unknown Ajax
I must own, too, that I can't be astonished at his being vexed to death over this business. It is excessively awkward! However, he doesn't lay the blame for that at my door: you mustn't think that!""I should think not indeed!" exclaimed Anthea between amusement and indignation. "How could he possibly do so?""No, very true, my love!" agreed Mrs Darracott. "I thought that myself, but it did put me on the fidgets when Richmond said he wanted to see me, because in general, you know, things I never even heard about turn out to be my fault.
— Georgette Heyer, The Unknown Ajax
We have a shit storm behind door A and a storm of shit behind door B
— Abraham Ford (The Walking Dead TV Series)
People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden.
— Michael Redmond
There is a difference between right and wrong, always was and always will be, but each man's wrong and each man's right are different.
— Peter Matthiessen, Shadow Country
Put your vocabulary on the top shelf of your toolbox, and don't make any conscious effort to improve it... One of the really bad things you can do to your writing is to dress up the vocabulary, looking for long words because you're maybe a little bit ashamed of your shot ones. This is like dressing up a household pet in evening clothes. The pet is embarrassed and the person who committed this act of pre-meditated cuteness should be even more embarrassed. Make yourself a solemn promise right now that you'll never use 'emolument' when you mean 'tip' and you'll never say 'John stopped long enough to perform an act of excretion' when you mean 'John stopped long enough to take a shit'. If you believe 'take a shit' would be considered offensive or inappropriate by your audience, feel free to say 'John stopped long enough to move his bowels'...
— Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
He cleared his throat. “You need to pick a safe word.”“What on earth is a safe word?”He smothered a sigh. This was proving to be more work than he thought it’d be. “It’s a word you use when you want things to stop.”“How about I use the word ‘stop’?” She sounded sarcastic.“That’s not how it works. You need a word that you wouldn’t normally use during sex.”“Fine. How about ‘dumbass’?”“I don’t think you’re getting into the spirit of this.”“Really? You think?”“Fine. Dumbass it is.” There was no dealing with her when she was in this mood. “If you use your safe word, everything stops.”“Good.” She took a deep breath. “Dumbass,” she shouted.Andrew wasn’t sure what to do next. This was not going the way it did in the books.
— Janet Elizabeth Henderson, Goody Two Shoes
Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses and create a sense of social alienation
— little britain
A femme fatale and a warrior princess.
— Cassandra Clare, Born to Endless Night
Ever since I discovered that my god given male member was going to give me no peace, I decided to give it no rest in return.
— Christopher Hitchens
Thirty years of marriage to Erasto had taught her much, namely that men were reckless by nature, full of bluster, most incompetent, the rest fortunate to have a wife to keep them from allowing their innate ineptitude to engulf all around them.
— A.H. Septimius, Crowns Of Amara: The Return Of The Oracle
The last thing he wanted was to see the bright, shining, happy faces of the other angels up there.
— Joel Crofoot, Michael's Passion
Or that time she made a snowman in Britt-Marie and Kent’s garden right under their balcony and dressed it up in grown-up clothes so it looked as if a person had fallen from the roof.
— Fredrik Backman, My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry
I remembered a friend of mine dying from AIDS, and while he was visiting his family on the coast for the last time, he was seated in the grass during a picnic to which dozens of family members were invited. He looked up from his fried chicken and said, "I just want to die with a big dick in my mouth.
— David Wojnarowicz, Close to the Knives: A Memoir of Disintegration
Those who can, teach; those who can't, criticize.
— Dan Hokstad
Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.
— Fakeer Ishavardas
Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?""I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it."Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it.""You won't like it," said Heimdall."We will like it!" said Thor."Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -""I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard.""Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.
— Neil Gaiman
A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured."Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness.""I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said.
— Georgette Heyer, Simon The Coldheart
When I rule the world," screamed the Bogey, "all antiques will be destroyed! Antiques will be things of the past!
— Mark Gorton, The Utterly Amazing BUMBLING-BOY VS. THE GREEN BOGEY: To bee or not to bee, that is the question
I stood in the corridor feeling like an angry pebble. It didn't matter where I rolled off to. The mystery and treachery of the world continued, and a pebble like me could get angry over anything it liked and it wouldn't do any good. Librarians not reading, I thought to myself. Sometimes I don't know why I bother.
— Lemony Snicket, Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?
Colourful lips are pretty, child but they also speak colourful lies.
— J. Limbu
All hail, Queen Shit-of-Liesville!
— Gareth Reynolds
There are no bees on the moon
— Thabiso Monkoe, The Azanian
The dressmakers have just arrived from Shylon; they are coming here to display their goods.’‘Really, that’s lovely.’‘I was wondering if I could have some money, please.’ ‘What’s the point in having your own money if you’re just going to spend mine?’ ‘Yeah, but the amount of dresses I’m planning to buy, I might not have enough.’ ‘Then buy an amount you can afford.’ Ratilla responded bearing an expression of incredulity. ‘Oh Rat.’ Tizi said as she pouted, conjuring a mournful expression. ‘I just want to look pretty, what will they say if the wife of the Imperial Chancellor is clothed in rags? I’m only trying to play my part as the wife of the great Ratilla.’ Tizi said, her eyes full of misery, as Ratilla shook his head and chuckled.
— A.H. Septimius, Crowns Of Amara: The Return Of The Oracle
If they succeed, you will not be packed off to some idyllic farm, where you can write bad poetry, we will both be executed.
— A.H. Septimius, Crowns Of Amara: The Return Of The Oracle
You’ll slip up, just like everyone else who tries to mess with the British Empire. They all get it wrong somehow – forget some detail, make some tiny error, invade Russia – and then it’s all downhill from there.
— Toby Frost, Space Captain Smith
He then, with great presence of mind, put a stop to any further recriminations by kissing her; and his indignant betrothed, apparently feeling that he was too deeply sunk in depravity to be reclaimable, abandoned (for the time being, at all events) any further attempt to bring him to a sense of his iniquity.
— Georgette Heyer, Sylvester
Remember you’re all representing your country, and you ought to behave as the Empire does.’ ‘So we can kill and loot at will, steal their goods and claim the planet as our own?’ Suruk said.
— Toby Frost, Space Captain Smith
...weak of spine and flaccid of upper lip.
— Toby Frost, Space Captain Smith
People get the wrong idea. I blame science-fiction writers, personally. It annoys me how they confuse the whole robot issue. I tell you, if I met that Asimov bloke, I’d harm him, or at least through inaction allow him to come to harm.
— Toby Frost, Space Captain Smith
But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!""It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!
— Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
Why were kings cross? Maybe their trains were late! Some say warrior Queen Boudica was buried under platform 8.
— Terry Deary, Loathsome London
It was a sweet smile, but it hid menace, like the kind dentists gave.
— Andy Paine, Bad Business
You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking!
— Ilze Falb, Officium balaena
Frightfully pale and perpetually odd
— Sue Perkins
Nina was about to snap that she didn't appreciate the sarcasm when she saw the expression on his face. He looked like someone had just given him a tuba full of puppies.
— Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom
Don't panic and carry a towel
— Douglas Adams
So I’m there, surrounded by all these young and old girls who are obviously in season and I don’t know what to do.”The trained psychologist cleared his throat, his brows raised.“Girls… in season?” he questioned dubiously.“Yeah… and they’re all backing up to me and I just know that if I let them fall pregnant the boss’ll kill me, but I’m stuck.”“Umm… what exactly are we talking about?”“My dream: me holding the teaser and all the clients’ expensive mares-”“Oh! So these are horses. Tell me, what’s a teaser?
— Christine Meunier, Horse Country: A World of Horses
Moons have passed since last we met, battles fought and enemies fallen. At the bridge of Anrag I took fifteen heads. I overthrew the tyrant Dagrud War-Scythe and took his cattle as tribute to my skill. It was a glorious day.’ ‘Sounds pretty wild. I’m having a new patio put down. You and me both, eh?’ ‘Square slabs or crazy paving?’ ‘Square slabs.
— Toby Frost, Space Captain Smith
Mary was bigger than Laura, and she had a rag doll named Nettie. Laura had only a corncob wrapped in a handkerchief, but it was a good doll. It was named Susan. It wasn't Susan's fault that she was only a corncob.Sometimes Mary let Laura hold Nettie, but she only did it when Susan couldn't see.
— Laura Ingalls Wilder, Little House in the Big Woods
Some of them screamed. Some of them wept. Some of them grinned like LSD was a blast. A case officer said John Stanton hatched the idea - lets flood Cuba with this shit before we invade. Langley co-signed the brainstorm. Langley embellished it: Let's induce mass hallucinations and stage the second coming of Christ!!!! Langley found some suicidal actors. Langley dolled them up to look like J.C. Langley had them set to pre-invade Cuba concurrent with the dope saturation. Peter howled. The case officer said, 'It's not funny.' A drug-zorched peon whipped out his wang and jacked off.
— James Ellroy, American Tabloid
Tom began screaming, and I wondered if the baby's soft brain was, in this moment, changing shape in response to the violent stimuli. I tried to intellectualize the noise to protect the baby's psyche. I whispered: Isn't that interesting to hear a man scream? Doesn't that challenge our stereotypes of what men can do? And then I tried, Shhhhhhhhh.
— Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You
The clown knows that life is cruel. The ancient jester's motley coloured costume turned his usually melancholy expression in to a joke. The clown is used to loss. Loss is his prologue.
— John Berger, Confabulations
Now according to German logic, a declaration of war was found to be unnecessary because of imaginary bombings
— Barbara W. Tuchman, The Guns of August
I switched to wine – for better or worse and carried over – rather shuffled back to the table with an overflowing pint of ‘Jimmie Crickets Finest Burning Bum Bitter,’ or words to that effect. Is there such a thing as one-word bitter anymore? ‘Sgt Stiffies Severed Nippy.’ ‘Hair Of The Bastard Dog That Bit Me.’ ‘The Devils Own Salty Piss.’ I’ve never had a pallet for bitter. I was mainly a girly-drink-drunk.
— Daniel Bashford, Normal Extreme
My face is rather like a collision waiting to happen: head-on I can be borne, but turn sideways, and it is all calamity.
— Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.
I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.
— Karl Pilkington, An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington
I’d heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn’t think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.
— Karl Pilkington
Well, the drums gave me headaches, the sunlight flashing on my armor cooked me up like harvest day, and those magnificent destriers shit everywhere.
— George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings
Beware the ideas of March... just one little letter changes the whole meaning. I love the way worms can do that.
— Alan Dapre, Porridge the Tartan Cat and the Brawsome Bagpipes
He was cold, standing in a wood, talking to a big black bird who was currently brunching on Bambi.
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods
.....it's hard to describe a psychosoteric battle at close quarters..... Think of those tennis-ball firing machines, but loaded with hand-grenades trapped in a shipping container, on a ship caught in a force-ten gale.
— David Mitchell, The Bone Clocks
This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory.
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods
The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.
— Bill Hicks
We need our goats!” I yelled.I waded through the crowd until I reached our chariot. I grabbed Otis’s face and pressed my forehead against his.“Testing,” I whispered. “Is this goat on? Thor, can you hear me?”“You have beautiful eyes,” Otis told me.
— Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor
There is, perhaps, no greater hardship at present inflicted on mankind in civilised and free countries than the necessity of listening to sermons.
— Anthony Trollope, Barchester Towers
Mozart,” Julie says in a bitter chuckle, staring at the speaker. “It’s supposed to be the pinnacle of art, right? This transcendent human achievement? And we use it for background noise in bathrooms. We literally shit on it.
— Isaac Marion, The Burning World
You were in the trunk while they —”This time, Gentry closed his eyes.“Please. I’m going to have flashbacks. I don’t want flashbacks.”Sophie couldn’t contain their amusement any longer and broke out into laughter.“Odette, you naughty girl!”“I didn’t know he was back there!” She didn’t turn around. Odette didn’t want to see the look on Sophie’s face.“If I did, I wouldn’t have climbed into Keahi’s lap in the first place!”“Okay!,” Gentry said. “I don’t need visuals, either.
— Tovaley B. Kysel, The Scion Princess
Now, my sister has been called a lot of things:sweet, kind, a living Disney princess, but none of those things imply that she would ever date someone just for his money.
— Bernie Su, The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet
You could’ve turned the air conditioning on!” Evaline said from down the hall.“Oh! You let Sophie turn the AC on but I can’t!” Paisley shouted back.“You’re surrounded by spirits! You should be cold enough!” - Evaline
— Tovaley B. Kysel, The Scion Princess
Focke's razor: Never attribute to plot holes that which is adequately explained by miracles.
— Kevin Focke
Civilization must be preserved,' says he.'Civilization's doing fine,' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is.
— Joanna Russ, We Who Are About To...
It is 32c today, and the only thing keeping me from hanging myself is the small sense of relief Iglean from attaching my body to the vents of my delicious cooling piece. It is a stunning unit,exquisite in all its forms, exceptional in its application, and effective in all its functions. I wouldmarry it, if only I knew it would not die on me sometime within the next five years. Appliances,like obedient children or silent extroverts, cannot last forever, and while my unbidden affectionkept my other air conditioner alive for the better part of ten years, not all inanimate objects canbe fueled by my love.
— Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.
(When told that he is a drunk) My dear, you are ugly; but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Sir Winston Churchill
Why are you wailing away? What is the matter with you?”“I was playing and—“ and her lip quivered as she spoke, “—and it was cloudy, and then—“ a sniff, “—and then, as I was playing, the sun came out.”I gave her a flat look. “You’re crying because the sun came out?”“Yes,” she moped, wiping the tears from her eyes, “the sun came out, and now—“ she heaved, “—and now, it’s hot! I don’t like it when it’s hot. Being hot is dumb!”I immediately absolved her of all previous sins. I slumped over the sill and gave her as much sympathy as my now warm face allowed. “Yes, child, being hot is very dumb indeed. Very well, you have a reason for crying. But then why are you outside?”“Because it was too hot inside and mommy won’t let me have ice cream.”“Well, there is your problem. You must get an air conditioner and a new mother.
— Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who sweat the small stuff, and those who have the balls not to.
— The Gang, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today
... I've a thirst on me I wouldn't sell for half a crown.- Give it a name, citizen, says Joe.- Wine of the country, says he.- What's yours? says Joe.- Ditto MacAnaspey, says I.- Three pints, Terry, says Joe. And how's the old heart, citizen? says he.
— James Joyce, Ulysses
In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.
— Prashant Yadav, The Jeera Packer
Wow, that is so deep.'He meant it, of course.'You're really real,' he added breathily. 'Say something else.'I decided he wasn't worth punching, and walked away.
— Claire North, The Sudden Appearance of Hope
All Chelsea's internet dates were gorgeous. Until she met them.
— Jojo Moyes, One Plus One
When an artist friend of mine explained she was working her way up the creative ladder, I asked if she would kindly paint the front of my house on the way up.
— Benny Bellamacina, Piddly poems for children vol:3
Last time I was on the welcome Wagon, I was holding some guy by the balls for 15 minutes while the inspector explained why should leave (Birmingham) and go home... It were really painful.I bet it was.'Yeah I got terrible cramp in me fingers, but he were very attentive.
— Jim McGrath, A Death in Winter: 1963
She had a face that had had lived a thousand stories and none with a happy ending.
— Jim McGrath, A Death in Winter: 1963
I am of the opinion", Tharkay said, "that you ought not assign to free will something more likely the consequence of a sharp blow to the skull.
— Naomi Novik, Blood of Tyrants
A word can change a mind. A sentence can change a life. A book can change the world.
— Tom  Kane
They were like animals, men. They found too much eye contact threatening.
— Jojo Moyes, One Plus One
Steerpike of the Many Problems,” said the Doctor. “What did you say they were? My memory is so very untrustworthy. It’s as fickle as a fox. Ask me to name the third lateral bloodvessel from the extremity of my index finger that runs east to west when I lie on my face at sundown, or the percentage of chalk to be found in the knuckles of an average spinster in her fifty-seventh year, ha, ha, ha! – or even ask me, my dear boy, to give details of the pulse rate of frogs two minutes before they die of scabies – these things are no tax upon my memory, ha, ha, ha! But ask me to remember exactly what you said you problems were, a minute ago, and you will find that my memory has forsaken me utterly. Now why is that, my dear Master Steerpike, why is that?”“Because I never mentioned them,” said Steerpike.“That accounts for it,” said Prunesquallor. “That, no doubt, accounts for it.
— Mervyn Peake, Titus Groan
Almost anyone who loves tennis and follows the men’s tour on television has, over the last few years, had what might be termed Federer Moments. These are times, watching the young Swiss at play, when the jaw drops and eyes protrude and sounds are made that bring spouses in from other rooms to see if you’re OK.
— David Foster Wallace, String Theory: David Foster Wallace on Tennis
Everyone is a raconteur without realizing it. We speak to our friends, we speak to our doctors and therapists about the nothing-meaning nonsense that goes on in our lives, but the difference in telling a story and complaining about the ills of one’s life is in the delivery. We can talk about how someone slighted you at work, or we can talk about how that person looked when they promptly fell down the stairs a moment after disdaining you. There, you see, is the difference: people will often notice the main but not the nuance; they will notice the face of the person yelling at them and the pitch of their shouts, but will not notice the comfort that the ululations of agony and twisted limbs lying on the bottom stile can promise.
— Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.
I am heartily glad that the trees and plants are still interested in copulatory activities
—  I only wishthey would be so good as to keep their sperm away from my face. Do not pretend that pollen isanything else
She started naming the fish. 'Loppy, Troppy, Hoppy, Soppy, Boppy, Floppy, Moppy and Roppy.
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
Books are an absolute necessity. I always have at least two with me wherever I go, to say nothing of my digital collection, and whenever I can get my hands on a delicious new reading piece, I will finish it at a slackened pace, to savour it with all the esteem it deserves, gratulating in its pleasance, deliciating in every word with ardent affection. I have an extensive library that I could never do without, and there are at least four books decorating every surface in my house. A table is not properly set without a book to furnish it. Half of my great collection is non-fiction, mostly science and history books, ranging from the archaeological to the agricultural, and my fiction section is dedicated to the classics, mostly books published before the world forgot about exquisite prose. I have all the greats in hardcover, but I do not read those: hardcover is for smelling and touching only. For all my favourite authors, I have reading copies, which I might take with me anywhere, to read in cafes or to be used as a swatting tool for unwanted visitors, but books are always fashionable even as ornaments; everyone likes a reader, for a good collection of books betrays a intellectualism that is becoming at anytime. Never succumb to the friable wills of those who reject the majesty of books: there is nothing so repelling as willful illiteracy.
— Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.
Is he always like that?' Sandra asked.'Well, he lives his life courting different girls week and after week and being incredibly successful, so you're pretty much giving him a run for his money,' he said with a wink at Janis.'Not my cup of tea,' Janis answered.'And I can't admire you even more,' Jared grinned.
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
The kangaroo has a double penis - one for week days and one for holidays.
— Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer
Some people never go crazy. Me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch for 3 or 4 days. They'll find me there. It's Cherub, they'll say, and they pour wine down my throat rub my chest sprinkle me with oils. Then, I'll rise with a roar, rant, rage - curse them and the universe as I send them scattering over the lawn. I'll feel much better, sit down to toast and eggs, hum a little tune, Suddenly become as lovable as a pink overfed whale. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
— Charles Bukowski
There are others who have strange eyes?' I asked, perking up.Kester suddenly wished he hadn't spoken. 'Well, not as distinctive as you. No one actually has purple ones. Shades of green and blue are sometimes too bright than normal, but I don't recall anyone having eyes like y
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
This is Kester Baleen and Ajex Cristo,' Jared introduced. 'One born without common sense and another with too much intelligence.''Yeah, and what about you Dernell?' Kester retorted back. 'Born with a dry sense of humour.
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
Ryan shrugged. 'Maybe. Come on, break a smile and introduce yourself. I don't bite.''Stay out of my way,' she said, and before she could turn around, Ryan grabbed her arm.She flashed him a murderous look.'Are you tough, Stay Out Of My Way?' he said airily.
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
Where are you from?''Studland.'Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene?'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?''Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny.'As in "studs"?' she chuckled.
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
I really am a unicorn?' I asked again.'You think Janis and I escaped from an asylum, don't you?' she teased.'I hope you're not,' I said, horrified at the thought of being turned into a lunatic like them.
— Deepika Kumaaraguru, Ethereal: The Dawn of the Blue
We are off! And do we know it, not just because the world is yelling "Lift-off" in our ears, but because the seats of our pants tell us so! Trust your instruments, not your body, the modern pilot is always told, but this beast is best felt. Shake, rattle and roll!
— Michael  Collins, Carrying the Fire: An Astronaut's Journey
When I am alone in the forest at night-time and jump from one tree to another, I often think that life is so strange.
— George Mikes, How to Be an Alien: A Handbook for Beginners and Advanced Pupils
50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up
— Johnny Corn
When Jan was called up to service a fourth time...my mother waited outside...the two of them were convinced that this time Jan would have to go, that they would surely send him off to cure his ailing chest in the air of France, famed for its iron and lead content.
— Günter Grass, The Tin Drum
Three times Jan had been called to the colours (the army), but each time had been deferred because of his deplorable physical condition..when every male who could stand halfway erect was being shipped to Verdun to undergo a radical change in posture from the vertical to the eternal horizontal
— Günter Grass, The Tin Drum
Gregor was a real drinker..he didn't drink because he was sad..(or) cheerful. He drank because he was a thorough man, who like to get to the bottom of things, of bottles as well as everything else.
— Günter Grass, The Tin Drum
Why should I ignore them? In my own house? Spiteful snobs! I’ve appalling taste, do I? I’m skeletal, am I? Anyone would look skeletal next to them. They are both starting to look like porkers! As soon as I go down, I’m going to mention it. I’m going to particularly point out Isolde’s thunder thighs. I suppose it’s appalling good taste to display them in such tight jeans. I’m going to ask how she even got into those pants without splitting the seams.
— Sonal Panse, The Sunshine Time: Season 1 Episode 4
I don’t remember the whole thing, because it was very long, but Atticus recited it for me once, and there was a line that went like this: “Cry ham hock and let slip the hogs of war!” I know you might not agree, but for me that was the best thing Shakespeare ever wrote."You mean, “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war” from Julius Caesar?"No, I don’t think that’s it. There was ham in there; I’m sure he was talking about ham. They were going to battle hunger."I think you might have been hungry when you heard it, Oberon.
— Kevin Hearne, Hunted
In my desperation to try to lull myself into a gentle sloom, I have created a list of things that will often assist my descent into delicious treacle-sleep. The list includes a series of things I can do if I go to bed and wake up early, and includes things like playing games and reading books, but one item that continually seems to work is telling myself:The faster I go to sleep, the faster I can have cookies for breakfast.This idea might seem rudimentary, but it staves off the sulks long enough that I can find a few hours of sleep, even on the hottest of days. If only Biscuit Power worked for other insomniacs, cookies might save humanity from itself.
— Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself," the captain announces from the helm, "and the occasional man-eating monster.
— Neal Shusterman, Challenger Deep
His Scotch bear-leader, Mr Boswell, was a butt of the first quality.
— William Makepeace Thackeray, Barry Lyndon
...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.
— Tim Shipman, All Out War: The Full Story of How Brexit Sank Britain's Political Class
Long pants,’ she said rather too fiercely to Andy when he came out of his room wearing shorts. ‘Long pants.’ She herded him back towards his door. ‘These people are from head office. These people are from Melbourne.’ And she emphasised Melbourne as if that should have been all he needed to know.‘Melbourne people vomit if they see knees,’ I told him, and he said, ‘Why is that kind of information never part of the briefing?
— Nick Earls, Monica Bloom
Colonel Talbot? he is a very disagreeable person, to be sure. He looks as if he thought no Scottish woman worth the trouble of handing her a cup of tea.
— Walter Scott, Waverley
One understands then why woman has no sexual parts, properly speaking. It is because she is herself a sexual part - a sexual part of man, to cumbersome for him to carry around permanently and therefore deposited outside himself for most of the time and taken up when needed. Moreover the quality that distinguishes man from animals is this very power of equipping himself at any moment with an instrument, tool or arm that he needs, but that he can get rid of straight away, whereas the lobster has to drag his two pincers about with him everywhere. And just as mans hand is a sort of grappling hook that enables him to grasp a hammer, sword or fountain pen according to his needs, so his sex is the sort of grappling hook of the sexual parts rather than the sexual part itslef.
— Michel Tournier, The Ogre
I should just build a bleeding house here," I mutter as I pick myself up off the snow-covered ground. "Maybe get a few chickens. Plant a garden.
— Sabaa Tahir, A Torch Against the Night
Like all shrinks she was a deeply troubled person.From "Fat Jimmy And The Blind Ballerina" due out early 2017.
— Eddie Owens
In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now.
— David Foster Wallace, The Pale King
I am naked, wrapped up in a dragon that should be a prince, I don't know how much of my crew is dead, and those mermaids could return at any time. Would somebody please say something that makes sense?
— Megan Derr, Treasure
There was a time when I fancied myself as a barrister but it takes years to qualify and even then you can end up earning less than $10,000 a day. So when I saw an advertisement for a course to become a barista I decided to settle for that.
— Michael McGirr, The Lost Art of Sleep
Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
— Terry Pratchett
Maybe people do like wine. It's not as nice as just eating the grapes, but it's okay.
— Ben Brooks, Lolito
The word mortgage originates in French. it literally means 'death grip'.
— Michael McGirr, The Lost Art of Sleep
There's no point asking dogs about their dreams because sleeping dogs lie.
— Michael McGirr, The Lost Art of Sleep
Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason.
— Miguel Queah
I will go further and say all cats are wicked, though often useful. Who has not seen Satan in their sly faces? Some preachers will say, well, that is superstitious "claptrap." My answer is this: Preacher, go to your Bible and read Luke 8: 26-33
— Charles Portis, True Grit
[On setting all clocks at varying times in advance...]A selfless gesture on my part which ensures I am never late, but really only means that I spend time waiting not only for people who are late but also for people who are on time.
— Jon Richardson, It's Not Me, It's You
Perhaps we are yet to feel the full impact of the Y2K bug but so far it's been quiet.
— Michael McGirr, The Lost Art of Sleep
And new physical problems are arising almost daily. I'm getting problems from a painful trapped nerve in my shoulder, where my rucksack strap has been pinching it, and I can't straighten my arm above shoulder level - soon I will be limping like Richard III. By now my back is covered with eczema, the result of a perpetually sodden shirt and rucksack pressed against it day after day in this heat. In one place my pack has rubbed a painful hole in my skin through the eczema; carrying my rucksack was unpleasant before, but now it is purgatory. This eczema must be partly due to eating bad food for so long - I never had this problem at home. I'm expecting my teeth and hair to start falling out before long, and I've got more or less a permanent acid indigestion from eating so much junk. Week after week I've lived on lukewarm Coca-Cola, stale buns and doughnuts, slurps, green bananas, powdered milk and far too many cigarettes. With all the rubbishy food and sugar soft drinks I've been consuming, I'll see the east coast through a hypoglycaemic haze.
— Fran Sandham, Traversa
Oh, to be the author of prison letters. It's a young girl's dream come true.
— Jenny B. Jones, In Between
...methinks the older that one grows, Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.
— George Gordon Byron
And yet methinks the older that one growsInclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.
— George Gordon Byron