c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Why, aren’t you just about as sweet as syrup on a sundae? I sure would appreciate that, ma’am.” He winked. “How’d you like ta stroll the deck of this fine ship with me and watch the sunset? I need a purty girl to put her arm around me and steady this bow-legged cowboy as he finds his sea legs.” I raised an eyebrow and affected a southern accent. “Why, I think you’re a pullin’ my leg there, Texas. You’ve had your sea legs a lot longer than I have.” He rubbed the stubble on his face. “You might be right at that. Well then, how about you taggin’ along to keep me warm?” “It’s about eighty degrees.” “Shoot, you’re a smart one, you are. Then how ‘bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he’d like to keep compn’y with you fer a while longer.
— Colleen Houck
Casey doesn't trust him.""Casey doesn't trust anyone," I replied. "He's paranoid like that. I mean, come on, he's a werewolf who installed a nanny cam in his kids' room." I pointed my spoon at Ali for emphasis. "A nanny cam.
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Raised by Wolves
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.
— Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty
What?" Jace was still staring at her as if she'd told him she'd found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Yes you're getting your tattoo." I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!" "Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker." "I never said that," Dad said. "No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
— Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering
Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded
— Yogi Berra
You just noticed? You're slow...
— Tite Kubo, Bleach, Volume 01
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
— Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.”“Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?
— Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.
— Kim Harrison, Every Which Way But Dead
I'm sorry I hurt your hand...with my face."-Bobby Pendragon
— D.J. MacHale
What, you didn’t pack your lunch?” Ty asked sarcastically as he shifted around in the seat and wedged himself against the door. He kicked a foot up and propped it on the console between the two front seats. “Sure, in my SpongeBob SquarePants lunch box. I have the thermos, too,” Morrison shot right back. Zane kept his mouth shut, eyes moving between the two men, and occasionally back to the driver, who was casually paying attention. Ty stared at the kid and narrowed his eyes further. “Spongewhat?” he asked flatly. Zane didn’t even try to hold back the chuckle when Morrison looked at Ty like he’d lost his mind. “Spongewha … you’re yanking my chain, aren’t you?” Morrison said. “Henny, he’s yanking my chain.” “Yeah, well, that’s what you getting for waving it in his face,” the driver answered reasonably. “What the hell is a SpongeBob?” Ty asked Zane quietly in the backseat.
— Madeleine Urban, Cut & Run
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The lastpresent you gave me was a stick.”“You wanted a weapon.”“It was a stick.”“It had a bow on it.”“It was a stick.”“I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.
— Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked
It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.
— Brandon Mull, Keys to the Demon Prison
After the satyrs filed in to dinner, the Hermes cabin brought up the rear. They were always the biggest cabin. Last summer it had been led by Luke, the guy who fought with Thalia and Annabeth on top of Half-Blood Hill. For a while, before Poseidon had claimed me, I'd lodged in the Hermes cabin. Luke had befriended me...and then he'd tried to kill me.
— Rick Riordan
I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.-Calvin
— Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?
— Cat Johnson
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
— Eugene Mirman
The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.
— Gail Carriger, Soulless
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
— Werner Heisenberg
You are all a lost generation," Gertrude Stein said to Hemingway. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home. Ours was the generation that stayed up all night.
— James Thurber, Selected Letters
Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?
— Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure
Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
— Steven Wright
She accused me of wearing pants from the salvation army.""Rose, your pants ARE from the salvation army.""That's SO not the point!
— Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time. 
— Robert Half
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
— Meg Cabot, Princess Mia
It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities. The theologians, taking one with another, are adept logicians, but every now and then they have to resort to sophistries so obvious that their whole case takes on an air of the ridiculous. Even the most logical religion starts out with patently false assumptions. It is often argued in support of this or that one that men are so devoted to it that they are willing to die for it. That, of course, is as silly as the Santa Claus proof. Other men are just as devoted to manifestly false religions, and just as willing to die for them. Every theologian spends a large part of his time and energy trying to prove that religions for which multitudes of honest men have fought and died are false, wicked, and against God.
— H.L. Mencken, Minority Report
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
— Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious
Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.
— Sarah Rees Brennan
While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.
— George Bernard Shaw
I loved you way before you ever had a chance to put a spell on me. I loved you at 'I've never been to Long Island,'" Zach said.I couldn't keep a big goofy grin from my face.I loved you at 'I like seals,'" I admitted. He grinned back.
— Meg Cabot, Jinx
Mrs. Spence picks up a roll of toilet paper from the counter and scrunches her nose.“Ask Caymen about that,” Xander says.Great, now I have to explain to his mother about my vandalism? “Your son called me with a toilet paper emergency. I rushed right over.”She looks confused so Xander says, “She’s kidding, Mom.
— Kasie West, The Distance Between Us
I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?
— Erma Bombeck
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
— Mark Twain
It smells terrible in here.'Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.
— John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces
I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.
— Claudia Gray, Stargazer
I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.
— Ann Coulter, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
— Steven Wright
It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
— Lisa Kleypas, Married By Morning
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.
— Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words ofsome loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures--solitude, books and imagination--outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day.
— Helen Keller, The Story of My Life
The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
— Josh Lanyon, The Dickens with Love
Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.
— Shelly Laurenston, Pack Challenge
We are gods with anuses.
— Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death
Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea.
— Jonathan    Morris, Doctor Who: Touched By An Angel
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Girls," their mother interjected, "you must both stop being strange - it is unattractive. And don't forget your hats. It would be absolutely the end for me if you two came down with freckles at a time like this.
— Anna Godbersen, The Luxe
When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
— Chris Colfer, Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!
— Karen Marie Moning, Iced
All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
— RuPaul
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Adventures of Sally
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
— Steven Wright
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.
— James Finn Garner, Politically Correct Bedtime Stories
Nix to Declan:Begin transcript—Testing. Hello, hellooo, anybody out there? Check, check, one, two. Soft pee. Puh, puh. Resonance! Sooooooft pee. Alpha bravo disco tango duck.This is Nïx! I’m the Ever-Knowing One, a goddess incandescent, incomparable, and irresistible. But enough about what you think of me. It’s a beautiful day in New Orleans. The wind is out of the east at a steady five knots and clouds look like rabbits … But enough about what you think of me!Now, down to business—Squirrel!Where was I? [Long pause] Why am I in Regin’s car? Bertil, you crawl right back out of that bong this minute!Oh, I remember! I am hereby laying down this track for Magister Declan Chase. If you are a mortal of the recorder peon class, know that Dekko and I go waaaaay back, and he’ll go berserk (snicker snicker) if he doesn’t receive this transmittal. …Chase, riddle me this: what’s beautiful but monstrous, long of tooth but sharp of tooth and soft of mind, and can never ever tell a lie?That’s right. The Enemy of Old can be very useful to you. So use him already.P.S. Your middle name’s about to be spelled r-e-g-r-e-t.And with that, I must bid you adieu. Don’t worry, we’ll catch up very soon. …[Muffled] Who’s mummy’s wittle echolocator? That’s right—you are!—End transcript
— Kresley Cole, Dreams of a Dark Warrior
I'm dying!" Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.
— E.B. White, Charlotte's Web
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
— Dorothy Parker
Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
— James Patterson, Angel
She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm...
— Michelle Herman, Dog
Was that you, Pooky Bear?
— Susan Ee, World After
I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.
— Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag
Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross..." He consulted Unfogging the Future. "That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering' — sorry about that — but there's a thing that could be the sun... hang on... that means 'great happiness'... so you're going to suffer but be very happy...""You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me," said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
How did you-"Fool your guards? They're not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders."Valek grinned. His angular face softened.
— Maria V. Snyder
If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.
— Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
An open Facebook page is simply a psychiatric dry erase board that screams, “Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval of God is not all I need.
— Shannon L. Alder
Mr Lorry asks the witness questions:Ever been kicked? Might have been.Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs? Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.
— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
How would you feel about sharing your bed?" she asked. Tristan blinked. "Excuse me?" "He'd love to!" Gary said. Tristan shot him a look, "Good," said Ivy, failing to notice Gary's wink. "Ella can be a pillow hog, but all you have to do is roll over her.
— Elizabeth Chandler, Kissed by an Angel/The Power of Love/Soulmates
The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.
— Larissa Ione, Desire Unchained
If you don't make a few ememies now and then, you're a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!- Angela to Eragon
— Christopher Paolini, Inheritance
If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.
— Colette, Gigi & The Cat
Why are we bringing him along, again?" Will inquired, of the world in general as well as his sister.Cecily put her hands on her hips. "Why are you bringing Tessa?""Because Tessa and I are going to be married," Will said, and Tessa smiled; the way that Will's little sister could ruffle his feathers like no one else was still amusing to her."Well, Gabriel and I might well be married," Cecily said. "Someday."Gabriel made a choking noise, and turned an alarming shade of purple. Will threw up his hands. "You can't be married Cecily! You're only fifteen! When I get married, I'll be eighteen! An adult!"Cecily did not look impressed. "We may have a long engagement," she said. "But I cannot see why you are counseling me to marry a man my parents have never met."Will sputtered. "I am not counseling you to marry a man your parents have never met!""Then we are in agreement. Gabriel must meet Mam and Dad.
— Cassandra Clare
I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!
— Jerry Scott
Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
You have to watch your language. People will think you have no fucking class
— Lani Diane Rich
God, I love a man who reads
— Tiffany Reisz, Seven Day Loan
Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.
— Katie McGarry, Dare You To
There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, "He's an old soppy really, just poke him if he's a nuisance," and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Where are you going?""Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do.""Why did you pause?'"I'm sorry?""You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'"No reason, I just--""You're up to something.""No--""Then why'd you pause?""Get in the car."She got in. He got in."Seat belt," he said.Why'd you pause?"His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing.""And why can't I come with you?""Because it's something sneaky.""Do you promise to tell me later?""I do.""Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go.
— Derek Landy, Playing with Fire
You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.
— Colleen Houck
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
— Steven Wright
See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.
— Jim Butcher, White Night
I’m not an idiot, Kenji. I have reasons for the things I say.”“Yeah, and maybe I’m just saying that you have no idea what you’re saying.”“Whatever.”“Don’t whatever me—”“Whatever,” I say again.“Oh my God,” Kenji says to no one in particular. “I think this girl wants to get her ass kicked.”“You couldn’t kick my ass if I had ten of them.”Kenji laughs out loud. “Is that a challenge?”"It’s a warning,” I say to him.“Ohhhhhh, so you’re threatening me now? Little crybaby knows how to make threats now?”“Shut up, Kenji.”“Shut up, Kenji,” he repeats in a whiny voice, mocking me.
— Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me
My geekness is a-quivering.
— Jack Thorne, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Parts One and Two
There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.
— Audrey Hepburn
Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!
— Louise Rennison, Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas
If you're worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.""The what?"Xavier shook his head in disbelief."You worry me," he muttered.
— Alexandra Adornetto, Halo
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
— John Green
It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours
—  the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal tapped this into her notepad.Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
We were just looking at maps...
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?
— Bob Moawad
The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy."- Cat re: Bones
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
And by golly, love sure was a battlefield. Benatar was right about that.
— Charlaine Harris, Club Dead
He gave her a sly, sideways look. "Did youbring it?""My list? Heavens, no. What can you be thinking?"His smile widened. "I brought mine."Daphne gasped. "You didn't!""I did. Just to torture Mother. I'm going peruse it right in front of her, pull out my quizzing glass—""You don't have a quizzing glass."He grinned—the slow, devastatingly wicked smile that all Bridgerton males seemed to possess. "I bought one just for this occasion.""Anthony, you absolutely cannot. She will kill you. And then, somehow, she'll find a way to blame me.""I'm counting on it.
— Julia Quinn, The Duke and I
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”“I shot him with an arrow.”“What kind of arrow?”“A sharp one.”Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
— Chelsea Fine, Awry
I've won Satan's lottery.
— Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends
In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Rich children are always blond, Jocelyn goes. It has to do with vitamins.
— Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad
And Mega has a crush on Chester.""I do not!""Do too, Mega.""He's like, old!""How old, Christian says.""Like at least thirty or something."Lor laughs. " Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?""Dude," I agree. I like Lor.
— Karen Marie Moning, Iced
Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it's cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.
— Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
Now lemme get this straight," she said in a throaty, nasal voice. "You put the lime in the cocanut and drink 'em both up--whoa, long faces. What am I interrupting?
— Lauren Kate
I'll take the cemetery," Kane said. He didn't sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. "The club might collapse if I go.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night
Well finish your story anyway."Where was I?"The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses."Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to find a live patient to treat. In bed after bed after bed we found dead people.And Father started giggling," Castle continued.He couldn't stop. He walked out into the night with his flashlight. He was still giggling. He was making the flashlight beam dance over all the dead people stacked outside. He put his hand on my head and do you know what that marvelous man said to me?" asked Castle.Nope."'Son,' my father said to me, 'someday this will all be yours.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
— Erma Bombeck
The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
— Jon Stewart
Bethany blinked. "Did you just hit me?" she asked, disbelief coloring her every feature.Skylar raised both hands, palms outward. "I come in peace!""You do not come in peace. You hit me.""I hit in peace!
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Every Other Day
What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?
— Steven Moffat, Doctor Who: The Shooting Scripts
Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'?
— P.C. Cast, Burned
Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun."..."He's the Akron AWOL?!
— Neal Shusterman, Unwind
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
— Daniel Handler
Roger, he has a chain saw," I hissed. "I am not going to die in Kentucky!
— Morgan Matson, Amy & Roger's Epic Detour
Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.”“Ian,” Bones drew out warningly.He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway.
— Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time
See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.
— Justin Halpern
But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness
— John Green, Paper Towns
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
— Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals
Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.
— Edith Wharton
And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.
— Julia Quinn, The Duke and I
We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was mt face."Sorry," she murmured."S'okay," I grunted, though I'd never really wanted to know what Annabeth's sneaker tasted like.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.
— Dorothy Parker
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
— Woody Allen
What’s next? The size of my cock?” “Hey, even pencils can get the job done—I’ve heard the moaning from your room to prove it.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unleashed
Not really hungry.""She’ll eat." Pritkin said curtly."I said —""If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation.""I eat plenty.""The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however.""I’ll have a sandwich," I told Nick. "No meat.
— Karen Chance, Embrace the Night
Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
— Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster
— Stephen King, Desperation
I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.
— Franz Kafka
In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
Sorry," she said. "I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from keeping thoughts inside my head where they belong. 
— Jeri Smith-Ready, Requiem for the Devil
God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
— Dave Barry
I've missed you, Sebastian.""Have you, love?" He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. "What part did you miss the most?""Your mind," she said, and smiled at his expression."I was hoping for a far more depraved answer than that.""Your mind is depraved," she told him solemnly.He gave a husky laugh. "True.
— Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas
Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.Half the world is starving, and the other’s going, ‘I don’t actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things.
— Russell Brand, My Booky Wook
No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.
— Julie Klassen, The Silent Governess
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
— Steven Wright
Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma." Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before."You what?""Like. You." Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. "Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. "How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?" "I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know." "I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly," Eve said."It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look." " How do I look?" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. "Oh come on. You're a total model-babe." "You're kidding.""You don't think you are?"He shook his head. "Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot." Eve crossed her arms.“So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I’m intimidating?”“I think you’re…you’re…ah, interesting?” Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. “I think you’re beautiful. And really, really strange.”Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. “Thanks for that, “ she said, “I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Well, to be fair, you are Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Hey!”“You can be bratty and beautiful,” Michael said. “I think it’s interesting.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.
— Hugh MacLeod, Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.
— Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic
I sat down and tried to write a story."Ian MacArthur is a wonderful sweet fellow who wears glasses and peers out of them with delight."That was the first sentence. The problem was that I just couldn't think of the next one. After cleaning my room three times, I decided to leave Ian alone for a while because I was starting to get mad at him.
— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia
You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, “Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.
— John Green, Paper Towns
People often say that the English are very cold fish, very reserved, that they have a way of looking at things – even tragedy – with a sense of irony. There’s some truth in it; it’s pretty stupid of them, though. Humor won’t save you; it doesn’t really do anything at all. You can look at life ironically for years, maybe decades; there are people who seem to go through most of their lives seeing the funny side, but in the end, life always breaks your heart. Doesn’t matter how brave you are, how reserved, or how much you’ve developed a sense of humor, you still end up with your heart broken. That’s when you stop laughing. In the end there’s just the cold, the silence and the loneliness. In the end, there’s only death.
— Michel Houellebecq, The Elementary Particles
Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs," I said. "We have a protractor.
— Neal Stephenson, Anathem
It begins in the heart...and it hurts when it's true.It only hurts because it's true.
— Morrissey
A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line.
— Kim Harrison, A Fistful of Charms
Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. “Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Whisper
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
— Rita Rudner
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
— Erma Bombeck
A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 1
When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!
— Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
— Robert Fulghum, Maybe, Maybe Not
There was a sound like a human yawn, and then the skull turned slightly toward me and asked, "What's up, boss?""Evil's afoot.""Well, sure," Bob said, "because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it'd be up to a meter by now.
— Jim Butcher, White Night
Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’re...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said.
— Brandon Sanderson, Firefight
Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.
— Julie Spira, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online
Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn't sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.
— Gary D. Schmidt, The Wednesday Wars
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
— Robert A. Heinlein, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
— Woody Allen
Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.
— Truman Capote
The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.
— Mark Twain
The dead are way more organized than the living.
— China Miéville, Un Lun Dun
And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.
— Meg Cabot, Shadowland
Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: "Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that." Some photographers are compulsively effusive. "Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!" they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It's hard to take because it's more positive feedback than you've received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, "Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You're breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You're going very fast, yes!
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
It seemed Lady Luck hated me worse than usual.
— Julie Kagawa, The Immortal Rules
I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with.
— Devon Ashley
How'd you get to be so good at this?""I had a good teacher.""Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.""I mean you, dummy.""Oh.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
— Samuel Johnson
Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."What?"Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."The people who've been in your secret hiding places."The people you bite your thumb in front of."Hi."Hi."..."..."Wow. My first Lindsey."My second Colin."That was fun. Let's try it again."Sold."..."..."..."...
— John Green, An Abundance of Katherines
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
— P.C. Cast
We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.
— Douglas Adams
WE do try to eat," Raoul called back to her [Kel]. I go all faint if I don't get fed regularly. Only think of the disgrace to the King's Own if I fell from the saddle.""But there was that time in Fanwood," a voice behind them said."That wedding in Tameran," added the blonde Sergeant Osbern, riding a horse-length behind Kel."Don't forget when what's-his-name, with the army, retired," yelled a third."Silence, insubordinate curs!" cried Raoul. "Do not sully my new squire's ears with your profane tales!""Even if they're TRUE?" That was Dom. It seemed Neal wasn't the only family member versed in irony.
— Tamora Pierce, Squire
Cam's wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed. "Holy Hell," Callie whispered, blinking."More or less," Arriane said
— Lauren Kate, Torment
I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.
— Tamora Pierce, Squire
This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need electricity.4. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, the result is a family fight.5. Music does not always sooth the troubled beast.6. An Englishman's home is his castle.7. The female of the species is more deadly than the male.8. One black eye deserves another.9. Space is the final frontier, and so is the sewage farm.10. It pays to increase your word power.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Archer's Goon
How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”“Stalk me.”“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.
— Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious
Oh, man," Xavier groaned. "See what you've done--now I'm stressing.""You can't! You're the stable one!"Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn't worried in the slightest."Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.""Okay.""That second bit was a joke. We both know you can't hold your liquor.
— Alexandra Adornetto, Halo
If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.
— Richelle Mead, Succubus on Top
Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.''Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
— Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!" 
— Judy Schachner
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
— James D. Nicoll
When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.
— Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
— Robert Anton Wilson, The Illuminati Papers
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
— Murphy's Law
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
— Groucho Marx
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business
— Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram
Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I'm not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I'm going to look like I'm walking around with an enormous load in my pants.
— Meg Cabot, Big Boned
Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.
— Quinn Loftis, Elfin
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
— Steven Wright
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
— David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames
Roar's smile widened. "I know. You missed me." She rolled her eyes. "It's barely been three weeks since I last saw you.""Miserable stretch of time." He said.
— Veronica Rossi, Through the Ever Night
Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?
— Colleen Houck