c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
The final entity was the beast. The steel juggernaut that raked claws made of screams along the bones of their soul.All of the pain that Jango had endured as a child had never left his mind. That pain had created a sort of primordial ooze in his fractured mind that sloshed and bled until the beast was birthed from the suffering. The beast lived in a cage forged of willpower deep in the recesses of the mad matrix of his splintered mind. It rattled the cage and roared for release, but he was loath to ever set the beast loose…again.
— Cedric Nye, Rage and Ruin
We sat still, our breathing loud and rhythmic, its music melancholy, a traditional song of sorrow.
— Margot McCuaig, The Birds That Never Flew
As I have explained in earlier chapters, abusiveness has little to do with psychological problems and everything to do with values and beliefs. Where do a boy’s values about partner relationships come from? The sources are many. The most important ones include the family he grows up in, his neighborhood, the television he watches and books he reads, jokes he hears, messages that he receives from the toys he is given, and his most influential adult role models. His role models are important not just for which behaviors they exhibit to the boy but also for which values they teach him in words and what expectations they instill in him for the future. In sum, a boy’s values develop from the full range of his experiences within his culture.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place. Abusers interpret silence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. To abused women, meanwhile, the silence means that no one will help—just what her partner wants her to believe. Anyone who chooses to quietly look the other way therefore unwittingly becomes the abuser’s ally.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The horror of incest is not in the sexual act. but in the exploitation of children and the corruption of parental love. p4
— Judith Lewis Herman, Father-Daughter Incest: With a New Afterword
Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and medicating of boys whose problem may really be that they have been traumatized and influenced by exposure to violence and abuse at home. Treating these boys as though they have a chemical problem not only overlooks the distress they are in but also reinforces their belief that they are “out of control” or “sick,” rather than helping them to recognize that they are making bad choices based on destructive values. I have sometimes heard adults telling girls that they should be flattered by boys’ invasive or aggressive behavior “because it means they really like you,” an approach that prepares both boys and girls to confuse love with abuse and socializes girls to feel helpless.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients were revealing childhood incest victimization to him. Freud concluded that child sexual abuse was one of the major causes of emotional disturbances in adult women and wrote a brilliant and humane paper called “The Aetiology of Hysteria.” However, rather than receiving acclaim from his colleagues for his ground-breaking insights, Freud met with scorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men of excellent reputation (most of his patients came from upstanding homes) could be perpetrators of incest.Within a few years, Freud buckled under this heavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. In their place he proposed the “Oedipus complex,” which became the foundation of modern psychology. According to this theory any young girl actually desires sexual contact with her father, because she wants to compete with her mother to be the most special person in his life. Freud used this construct to conclude that the episodes of incestuous abuse his clients had revealed to him had never taken place; they were simply fantasies of events the women had wished for when they were children and that the women had come to believe were real. This construct started a hundred-year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on them and outright discrediting of women’s and children’s reports of mistreatment by men.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
I realized the preserving a relationship at all costs was not as important as affirming the human right to be free from abusive treatment.
— Rebecca Ann Parker, Proverbs of Ashes: Violence, Redemptive Suffering, and the Search For What Saves Us
Being overly critical of yourself is like having a relentless, inescapable bully who follows you everywhere you go and abuses you.
— Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
The vast majority of incest begins years before the earliest conceivable age of consent. p4
— Judith Lewis Herman, Father-Daughter Incest: With a New Afterword
My hands twitch as they tremble and every nerve and muscle in my body is frozen—numb.
— J. Kahele, Mine 2
Elizabeth, what this man has done is terrible. There aren't any words that are strong enough to describe how wicked and evil he is! He has taken nine months of your life that you will never get back again. But the best punishment you could ever give him is to be happy. To move forward with your life. To do exactly what you want. Because, yes, this will probably go to trial and some kind of sentencing will be given to him and that wicked woman. But even if that's true, you may never feel like justice has been served or that true restitution has been made...You be happy, Elizabeth. Just be happy. If you go and feel sorry for yourself, or if you dwell on what has happened, if you hold on to your pain, that is allowing him to steal more of your life away. So don't you do that! Don't you let him! There is no way that he deserves that. Not one more second of your life. You keep every second for yourself. You keep them and be happy...
— Elizabeth Smart, My Story
You have to reach out to your inner-abuser and make peace. You can't live your life as your own worst enemy!
— Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
when parameters are not set for man, there is always an unknown abuse
— Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that’s physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
HOW CAN I TELL IF A MAN I’M SEEING WILL BECOME ABUSIVE?• He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.• He is disrespectful toward you.• He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.• He is controlling.• He is possessive.• Nothing is ever his fault.• He is self-centered.• He abuses drugs or alcohol.• He pressures you for sex.• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.• He intimidates you when he’s angry.• He has double standards.• He has negative attitudes toward women.• He treats you differently around other people.• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.No single one of the warning signs above is a sure sign of an abusive man, with the exception of physical intimidation. Many nonabusive men may exhibit a umber of these behaviors to a limited degree. What, then, should a woman do to protect herself from having a relationship turn abusive? Although there is no foolproof solution, the best plan is:1. Make it clear to him as soon as possible which behaviors or attitudes are unacceptable to you and that you cannot be in a relationship with him if they continue.2. If it happens again, stop seeing him for a substantial period of time. Don’t keep seeing him with the warning that this time you “really mean it,” because he will probably interpret that to mean that you don’t.3. If it happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors that are warning flags, chances are great that he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances, you are likely to regret it later. Finally, be aware that as an abuser begins his slide into abuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can’t imagine the problem might be with him. All he notices is that you don’t seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Alcohol does not a change a person’s fundamental value system. People’s personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when sober. When you are drunk you may behave in ways that are silly or embarrassing; you might be overly familiar or tactlessly honest, or perhaps careless or forgetful. But do you knock over little old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store? Unlikely. People’s conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.ABUSERS MAKE CONSCIOUS CHOICES EVEN WHILE INTOXICATED
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerous reactions that abusers can have when relationships draw to a close have often been considered, especially by psychologists, to be evidence of the man’s “fear of abandonment.” But women have fears of abandonment that are just as great as men’s, yet they rarely stalk or kill their partners after a breakup. Not only that, but many abusers are vicious to their ex-partners even when they do not desire a reunion or when they initiated the breakup themselves.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The abuser does not believe, however, that his level of authority over the children should be in any way connected to his actual level of effort or sacrifice on their behalf, or to how much knowledge he actually has about who they are or what is going on in their lives. He considers it his right to make the ultimate determination of what is good for them even if he doesn’t attend to their needs or even if he only contributes to those aspects of child care that he enjoys or that make him look like a great dad in public.
— Lundy Bancroft Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land—and he owns them.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Have you ever suffered a sharp disappointment or a painful loss and found yourself looking for someone to blame? Have you, for example, ever been nasty to a store clerk when you were really upset about your job? Most people have an impulse to dump bad feelings on some undeserving person, as a way to relieve - temporarily—sadness or frustration. Certain days you may know that you just have to keep an eye on yourself so as not to bite someone’s head off.The abusive man doesn’t bother to keep an eye on himself, however. In fact, he considers himself entitled to use his partner as a kind of human garbage dump where he can litter the ordinary pains and frustrations that life brings us. She is always an available target, she is easy to blame — since no partner is perfect—and she can’t prevent him from dumping because he will get even worse if she tries. His excuse when he jettisons his distresses on to her is that his life is unusually painful—an unacceptable rationalization even if it were true, which it generally isn’t.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Addiction does not cause partner abuse, and recovery from addiction does not “cure” partner abuse.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Sometimes, some of you speak about god, and I mistake him for an abusive lover you're trying to escape.
— Darnell Lamont Walker
Because I'm just a giving person spiritually, I feel that if your intentions are to use or abuse or take advantage of, then you might get what you get in the meantime, but there's still a price to pay.
— Angie Stone
ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCEAlcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain chemicals can cause violent behavior — anabolic steroids, for example, or crack cocaine — but alcohol is not among them. In the human body, alcohol is actually a depressant, a substance that rarely causes aggression. Marijuana similarly has no biological action connected to abusiveness.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
A man’s beliefs about the effects of the substance will largely be borne out. If he believes that alcohol can make him aggressive, it will, as research has shown. On the other hand, if he doesn’t attribute violence-causing powers to substances, he is unlikely to become aggressive even when severely intoxicated.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
We should meet abuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger or abuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop.
— Mahatma Gandhi
How long y' think it'll take t'git that wild streak out im?""Well, Brother Tiggins, that'll depend on how long he can weather the leather.
— Mars Hill, The Moaner's Bench: A Novel
The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.I know exactly how to get under your skin.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist. These walls tend to grow over time, so that after a few years in a relationship my clients can reach a point where they feel no more guilt over degrading or threatening their partners than you or I would feel after angrily kicking a stone in the driveway.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are:You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you.Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me.If I put you down for long enough, some day you’ll see.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don’t show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology. When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and insulting personality that normally stays hidden, reserved for private attacks on his partner. An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
When a man’s face contorts in bitterness and hatred, he looks a little insane. When his mood changes from elated to assaultive in the time it takes to turn around, his mental stability seems open to question. When he accuses his partner of plotting to harm him, he seems paranoid. It is no wonder that the partner of an abusive man would come to suspect that he was mentally ill. Yet the great majority of my clients over the years have been psychologically “normal.” Their minds work logically; they understand cause and effect; they don’t hallucinate. Their perceptions of most life circumstances are reasonably accurate. They get good reports at work; they do well in school or training programs; and no one other than their partners—and children—thinks that there is anything wrong with them. Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare. I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one would tell.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. The news media regrettably often accept the aggressors’ view of these acts, describing them as “crimes of passion.” But what could more thoroughly prove that a man did not love his partner? If a mother were to kill one of her children, would we ever accept the claim that she did it because she was overwhelmed by how much she cared? Not for an instant. Nor should we. Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are:I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive.As long as I use a lot of “psychobabble,” no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood.I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving the Player are:Women were put on this earth to have sex with men—especially me.Women who want sex are too loose, and women who refuse sex are too uptight. (!)It’s not my fault that women find me irresistible. (This is a word-for-word quotation from a number of my clients.) It’s not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it’s all around me; women seduce me sometimes, and I can’t help it.If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I’m in this relationship when it’s convenient for me and when I feel like it.Women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches.If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn’t have to turn to other women.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Consider how challenging it is to negotiate or compromise with a man who operates on the following tenets (whether or not he ever says them aloud):1. “An argument should only last as long as my patience does. Once I’ve had enough, the discussion is over and it’s time for you to shut up.”2. “If the issue we’re struggling over is important to me, I should get what I want. If you don’t back off, you’re wronging me.”3. “I know what is best for you and for our relationship. If you continue disagreeing with me after I’ve made it clear which path is the right one, you’re acting stupid.”4. “If my control and authority seem to be slipping, I have the right to take steps to reestablish the rule of my will, including abuse if necessary.”The last item on this list is the one that most distinguishes the abuser from other people: Perhaps any of us can slip into having feelings like the ones in numbers one through three, but the abuser gives himself permission to take action on the basis of his beliefs. With him, the foregoing statements aren’t feelings; they are closely held convictions that he uses to guide his actions. That is why they lead to so much bullying behavior.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:It’s your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I’m unhappy aboutany aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it’s your fault.You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.I am above criticism.I am a very loving and giving partner. You’re lucky to have me.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are:I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.I know the exact way that everything should be done.You shouldn’t have anyone else — or any thing else — in your life besides me.I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. (!!)
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving the Victim are:Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I’ve been involved with. Poor me.When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you’re just like the rest.It’s justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me, and even to make it quite a bit worse to make sure you get the message.Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment, are anti-male and out for blood.I’ve had it so hard that I’m not responsible for my actions.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY
—  HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.
Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her
—  only abusers think this way.
Have you ever heard a woman claim that the reason why she is chronically mistreating her male partner is because a previous man abused her? I have never run into this excuse in the fifteen years I have worked in the field of abuse. Certainly I have encountered cases where women had trouble trusting another man after leaving an abuser, but there is a critical distinction to be made: Her past experiences may explain how she feels, but they are not an excuse for how she behaves. And the same is true for a man.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving the Terrorist are:You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands.Women are evil and have to be kept terrorized to prevent that evil from coming forth.I would rather die than accept your right to independence.The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful.Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The central attitudes driving Rambo are:Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad.Anything that could be even remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost.Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality) are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them.Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behavior is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line.You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
It's amazing how kids can be brutalized into a mold in witch they it right back to the weaker one and never think of escaping from the whole filthy mess.
— Rona Jaffe, The Best of Everything
The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his pattern of ups and downs. She gets drawn into the complexities of his inner world, trying to uncover clues, moving pieces around in an attempt to solve an elaborate puzzle.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS1. He was abused as a child.2. His previous partner hurt him.3. He abuses those he loves the most.4. He holds in his feelings too much.5. He has an aggressive personality.6. He loses control.7. He is too angry.8. He is mentally ill.9. He hates women.10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.11. He has low self-esteem.12. His boss mistreats him.13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men.15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.16. He is a victim of racism.17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into thecenter of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Hiding my pain and acting strong, afraid to cry and show my tears, I struggle with all this years later.
— Erin Merryn, Living for Today: From Incest and Molestation to Fearlessness and Forgiveness
Her mother always told her, “If he hits you, then you leave,” but Jack had never hit her, not with his fists.
— Shannon Celebi, Small Town Demons
I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman, not more so, from having been through it.” Once I make this point, he generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it’s an excuse to stay the same, not if it’s a reason to change.
— Lundy Bancroft
Although the typical abusive man works to maintain a positive public image, it is true that some women have abusive partners who are nasty or intimidating to everyone. How about that man? Do his problems result from mistreatment by his parents? The answer is both yes and no; it depends on which problem we’re talking about. His hostility toward the human race may sprout from cruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses women because he has an abuse problem. The two problems are related but distinct.
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let an angry and controlling man be the authority on partner abuse?
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
When I ask you who you are, you'd better say my fucking name.
— Alicen Grey, Wolves and Other Nightmares
Free will? Either you follow the word of God, or you'll be punished with eternal hellfire. That's the same kind of "choice" an abuse boyfriend gives you: 'Either you do exactly what I say, or I'll beat the shit out of you.
— Oliver Gaspirtz
If the most connected we’ve ever felt with another person was in that brief moment of apology and regret after physical abuse, then we’ll seek that abuse for the rest of our lives.
— Vironika Tugaleva, The Love Mindset: An Unconventional Guide to Healing and Happiness
Tar had a reason, plenty of reasons. The latest were painted on his face, too.
— Melvin Burgess, Smack
The world isn't fair? What a huge revelation! Some people in power abuse those they have power over? Amazing! When did this start happening?
— Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
The narcissist, cut off from her spirituality, is one who spends unquantifiable energy supporting and maintaining and utterly and completely fake self, in denial of one's true self, trading it for glamour to compensate for a core of being that is simply wracked,a deep dark cold void; using and abusing others to maintain and sustain the false state. this fake self is contrived in absentia from the connectivity that even the most unaware take for granted. The narcissist doesn't see other human beings.
— Keith Aaron Gilbert
You know something, it’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place. But let me tell you something, there’s not much of a difference between a stadium full with cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they’re cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will.
— Glee
First you try to find a reason, try to understand what you've done so wrong so you can be sure not to do it anymore. After that you look for signs of a Jekyll and Hyde situation, the good and the bad in a person sifted into separate compartments by some weird accident. Then, gradually, you realize that there isn't a reason, and it isn't two people you're dealing with, just one. The same one every time.
— Helen Oyeyemi, Boy, Snow, Bird
The major goal of the Cold War mind control programs was to create dissociative symptoms and disorders, including full multiple personality disorder. The Manchurian Candidate is fact, not fiction, and was created by the CIA in the 1950’s under BLUEBIRD and ARTICHOKE mind control programs. Experiments with LSD, sensory deprivation,electro-convulsive treatment, brain electrode implants and hypnosis were designed to create amnesia, depersonalization, changes in identity and altered states of consciousness. (p. iii)“Denial of the reality of multiple personality by these doctors [See page 114 for names] in the mind control network, who are also on the FMSF [False Memory Syndrome Foundation] Scientific and Professional Advisory Board, could be disinformation. The disinformation could be amplified by attacks on specialists in multiple personality as CIA conspiracy lunatics” (P.10)“If clinical multiple personality is buried and forgotten, then the Manchurian Candidate Programs will be safe from public scrutiny. (p.141)
— Colin A. Ross, Bluebird
Make that cage golden, it’s still a fucking cage.”“Wel , in the absence of other options, gold will have to do.
— Aleksandr Voinov, Counterpunch
In the absence of any therapy, the mentally ill of the 20th century were chained, shackled, straitjacketed, kept nude, electrocuted, half-frozen, parboiled, violently hosed, wrapped in wet canvas, confined to “mummy bags”, subjected to insulin-induced hypoglycemic comas, forced into seizures with massive doses of the stimulant Metrazol, injected with camphor, drugged into three-week comas with barbiturates and tranquilizers, involuntarily sterilized, and surgically mutilated. Rape by hospital staff was common, as was humiliation and verbal abuse. One reporter noted that a state hospital patient had been restrained for so long that his skin was beginning to grow around the leather straps.
— Antonella Gambotto-Burke, Mouth
Love is not a word or an idea or even a place to go to or a thing to strive for. It is not something to grasp and smother and mold and change. It cannot be orchestrated, played, controlled or manipulated. You can not cup it tenderly in your open hand or wish it into being through fervent prayer.
— Vanessa G. Foster, More Than Everything
the gravity of wound to fist
— Karen Russell, Swamplandia!
Thomas was like a drug, so smooth and overwhelming that he took one up a level in their emotions just by watching him and listening to him. He was a natural entertainer, filled with talent and knowledge on many subjects and a keen sense of the arts and music. I admired him as he performed for us, and I forgot the ugliness again
— Sara Niles, Torn From the Inside Out
The Airlines lady who travels in the same compartment as us day after day, has bruises on her arms and face today and her eyes keep welling, but no one asks her why. Our eyes dart towards her, but we go back to travelling in too much proximity. Two inches from one another and expressionless.
— Amruta Patil, Kari
Thomas had a younger sister, Ester, who was a facsimile of the womanizer brother, who had behaviors that mirrored her brother’s treatment of women, for she treated men the same way, for the same reasons. The younger sister had raised her sons with a hurtful echo in their minds that said ‘men are no good’, and because they heard it so much from their mother’s mouth, I feared that they would one day believe it to be true.
— Sara Niles, Torn From the Inside Out
I had some peculiar ideas about love. I’ll tell you what I thought on the subject back then: it’s about as much use as a barrel with no bottom. When I fed the pigs and two of them got to scrapping over an old soft onion, I thought: that’s love. Love is eating. Love is a snarling pig snout and long tusks. Love is a dress like the sun. Love is the color of blood. Love is what grown folk do to each other because the law frowns on killing.I said I loved her back. I put my hand on the door and I said I loved her back and when I said it I thought of kissing her and also of shooting her through the eye.
— Catherynne M. Valente, Six-Gun Snow White
(To the haters) You are not extinguishing the bright lights of mankind, you're simply burying yourself in an unmarked grave.
— Stefan Molyneux
It is really exhausting to live in a dictatorship of 'Me', which is basically a tyranny of others.
— Stefan Molyneux
Happiness was an evasive emotion that could not be fabricated, duplicated, or happened upon. It was something that was only handed out to a select few, but just like his mother, Ethan realized that he was never meant to have it.
— Belinda G. Buchanan, Seasons of Darkness
You know she’s a liar if she says she’s never done it for ten bucks. We’ve all done it. Practically giving it away. But sometimes you can’t even give it away." - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
Is a few hours of hell-raising, or respite from life's toil worth this every morning?
— Catherine Lockwood, The Girl Behind the Painted Smile: My battle with the bottle
Life’s just another blowjob. And just because I let you cum in my mouth, doesn’t mean I’m going to swallow it!" - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
Some people think it’s a jungle out here. It’s not… It’s a fucking zoo!" - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself who’s really stupid, the guys who stop and pick you up, or you, for being out here in the first place?" - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
On the street there is no tomorrow. There is only here and now and nothing else. And yesterday is just another day you’re trying to forget." - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
I've told you, there's no point keeping those. They're not tax-deductible,' my dad thundered.'I think you'll find they are,' raged my mum like some sort of feral animal (a badger with TB perhaps).'They're not. You only get VAT back on lunches outside of a 50-mile radius from your place of residence. You effing bitch,' he seemed to add, with his eyes, I imagined.
— Alan Partridge
Sometimes you just have to be there to understand, even if being there makes no sense at all." - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
In general, the more dysfunctional the family the more inappropriate their response to disclosure. Never expect a sane response from an insane system.
— Renee Fredrickson, Repressed Memories: A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse
The moral of the tale is this: whoever allows himself to be whipped,deserves to be whipped.
— Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs
A horrible end is better than endless horror.
— Oliver Markus, Sex and Crime: Oliver's Strange Journey
Like Jocelyn, Survivors often think: * That’s just the way I am * I’m not lovable, that’s why I keep having disastrous relationships * I’m not very clever, that’s why I didn’t do well at school * I’m a loner * I’m a weak person * I’m not very nice * I was a difficult childMany survivors find it difficult to accept that being sexually abused as a child can continue to affect them many years later. It may seem too fantastic, or too frightening an idea to believe. David Finkelhor, an American researcher, has tried to explain how sexual abuse affects a child and leads to long-term problems. He suggests four ways in which childhood sexual abuse causes problems:1 Traumatic Sexualization2 Stigmatization 3 Betrayal 4 Powerlessness
— Carolyn Ainscough, Breaking Free
Lyall's face went deadpan as he relayed the details, as those who are tortured or raped will become when they retell the pattern of abuse
— Gail Carriger, Timeless
Men with high baseline levels of testosterone marry less frequently, have more adulterous affairs, commit more spousal abuse, and divorce more often.
— Helen Fisher, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love
If I stay here, I will be just fine. Before I shut the door, I got a box of crackers from the kitchen, so I will be fine.
— Kathleen Alcalá, The Flower in the Skull
Love is a funny thing. It’s not at all what you expect it to be. But if you have to stand out on the corner to prove it, then maybe it’s better not to be in love at all." - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
Today I’m going to pretend I’m dead. I wonder if anyone will notice." - excerpt from: freefalling
— Darlenne Susan Girard, freefalling
A person raised in a healthy family is equipped to live a confident and independent life
—  someone from an unhealthy family is filled with fear and self-doubt. He has difficulty with the prospect of life without someone else. The devaluing messages of control and manipulation create dependency so those who most need to leave their family of origin are the least equipped to do so.
I love you but I got to love me more.
— Peggi Speers, The Inspired Caregiver: Finding Joy While Caring for Those You Love
All you care about is the control and power you have over me and I hate myself for giving that to you!
— Lydia Kelly, Screaming in the Silence
I came to this house for safety. They came because the foster care system ran out of homes. We stayed because we were stray pieces of other puzzles, tired of never fitting.
— Katie McGarry, Dare You To
It was too familiar to Cody. He placed his arms around his wife trying somehow to shelter her from the reality she was facing. There was another reason for his closeness; his desperation to show her he was not one of them, that the tribes of cruel men did not recognize him as one of their own, and to show his wife that his promise to create a safe place for her was a promise she need not fear would be broken. In the innermost part of him, from the secret child that lives within all men, was a scared cry, “Please don’t think I’m bad too.” From the other innermost part of him, the secret animal that prowls in some men was a raging wolf ready to kill. The battle line within the man had been drawn. The boundaries of faith rose up around the rage, warning the soul against righteous anger morphing to blood lust.
— Lee  Goff, A Wrath Like Thunder
The National Security Agency’s capability at any time could be turned around on the American people, and no American would have any privacy left, such is the capability to monitor everything: telephone conversations, telegrams, it doesn’t matter. There would be no place to hide. If a dictator ever took over, the N.S.A. could enable it to impose total tyranny, and there would be no way to fight back.
— Frank Church
It is this dependency that became, and is, the breeding ground for abuses of power.
— bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions
One might say my life has been tragic. Yet, as I sat in pain in the hospital I raised my tired hands toward the sky, palms facing in, fingers spread, and I gave thanks.
— Abeba Habtu, Become Courageous Abeba: A Story of Love, Loss, War and Hope