c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Yeah,” Tamara said. “An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don’t say something like ‘working on his score’ or ‘maybe he’s in a bowling league’ or something like that. Be serious.”Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to get up again. “I’m serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on.
— Cassandra Clare, The Iron Trial
Dearest Jessamin,I have not had a letter from you in a month. (You are a terrible daughter.) I blame the slowness of the boats and hate the distance between us. (How could you leave me?)Your cousin Jacabo responded to my inquiries after your well-being with only the vaguest of terms. (I threatened Jacky Boy if he did not update me on your life.) I take this to mean you have seen him regularly and have also forbidden him from updating me on your life in the big city. (Why are you spending your time with him when he is clearly not running in the right circles?)How are your studies? Have you met anyone interesting? (Why have you not given me news of your father?)I suspect you do not write because you have found someone. (Please, please tell me you have found someone.) I know it. (I beg the spirits for it each night.) A mother can feel these things. (I will drag you back to the island and force you into marriage if you do not take care of it yourself.) Please tell me whether he is of a good family and when I can expect happy tidings to share with my friends. (Do not do anything I cannot crow about to the neighbors.) I knew you would not be on your own for long. (Give me grandchildren. Soon.) Dear Henry has asked after you, though, so if you are lonely you know you have many options here. (I pestered Henry until he finally asked after you and took it as a sign he still wishes to marry you.)Write me soon or I will perish for want of daughterly affection. (You are a terrible daughter.)All my love, (All my love,)Mama
— Kiersten White, Illusions of Fate
Yes!" Belen raises his fist in a victory gesture. "We shall save the world from Invierne with slings!
— Rae Carson, The Girl of Fire and Thorns
I’ve been surrounded by nitwits my entire life.
— Chelsea Ballinger, Sinners & Saints
He has got no good red blood in his body," said Sir James."No. Somebody put a drop under a magnifying glass, and it was all semicolons and parentheses," said Mrs. Cadwallader.
— George Eliot, Middlemarch
Doesn't this place give you the creeps? You could perhaps do something with some floral wallpaper and a fire-bomb.
— Terry Pratchett, Going Postal
Forty dollars for one adult nonrefundable ticket. You’re in luck — your bus leaves in a half hour. But there’s no dogs, unless that’s a service animal.”“Oh, yeah,” Call said, with a quick look down at Havoc. “He’s totally a service dog. He was in the service — the navy, actually.”The woman’s eyebrows went up.“He saved a man,” Call said, trying out the story as he counted the cash and pushed it through the slot. “From drowning. And sharks. Well, just the one shark, but it was a pretty big one. He’s got a medal and everything.
— Cassandra Clare
I don’t believe this. This is utter shit!” I yelled.“Does it look like I’m lying?” Steven asked.I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, “I don’t know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I’ll get back to you.
— Sara Massa, The Shifting Moon
What’s it like? Ballet school?”“Harsh,” he said. “Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly.
— Cassandra Clare
What's going on?" I asked when he finished."I'll let you know soon. For now, we have to wait.""Great. My favorite thing to do.
— Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss
It's better to shut a fool's mouth with sarcasm rather than cursing him back.
— Anind Mathur
Is my life, by any chance, about to take a new turn?
— Jonas Jonasson, The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared
I've been trying to figure that out since I met him. I've had more luck trying to smell the color nine.
— Jenny  Allen, Rose of Jericho
Grown tall, like a ruddy weed, on his food.
— Luggs, Jack the Ripper: The Long Arm of the Law
I know that you’re worried about me, but crushing my lungs isn’t going to help anyone.
— Sara Massa, The Shifting Moon
Any boy who'd love a sailboat-patterned, swimsuited sausage who tames rabid foxes would be wonderful. And impossible.
— Fanny Britt, Jane, the Fox, and Me
We just wanted to see whose dick was in yer mouth. Call it curiosity.
— Jason Medina, No Hope for the Hopeless at Kings Park
An accessible introduction to the nature of political thought. Just what I always wanted.
— Chris Weitz, The New Order
I’m fine, considering I can’t walk anymore,” Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. “You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?
— C.B. Cook, Paralyzed Dreams
I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.
— Jonathan Stroud, The Golem's Eye
I don’t know. Is that good-different, or I-should-come-with-a-warning-label-different?
— Melissa A. Craven, The Awakening
In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.
— Jonathan Stroud, The Golem's Eye
It's funny, ma'am, how sometimes you're so sarcastic but it doesn't sting.""Because of my dimples. Dimples are a get-out-of-jail-free card
— Dean Koontz, Deeply Odd
Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
— Abraham Lincoln
He shook his head,'Fuck, you say such fucking weird things.''Is that still your favourite word?' asked Isola interestedly, 'I like "verisimilitude". Tolkein said the most beautiful English phrase is "cellar door",
— Allyse Near, Fairytales for Wilde Girls
Ryn looks sideways at me and raises an eyebrow,"It's big enough for two."-"You're joking right?Why don't you pretend to be a gentleman and give me the
— Rachel  Morgan, The Faerie Prince
Uh, yeah - how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me.
— Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me
What am I going to do?" asked Ce'Nedra."First you ought to go wash your face," Polgara told her. "Some girls can cry without making themselves ugly, but you don't have the right coloring for it. You're an absolute fright. I'd advise you never to cry in public if you can help it.
— David Eddings, Castle of Wizardry
Women KNOW, we just know. Even if we didn't know, we would know. Men won't get this, but women will..because we KNOW
— Karen  Gibbs, A Gallery of Scrapbook Creations
Two thousand years and I’ve never met anyone so stubborn.
— Melissa A. Craven, The Awakening
Named Harris," Bill said. "Ever know him, Mike? He was in the war, too.""Fortunate fellow," Mike said. "What times we had. How I wish those dear days were back.
— Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
How’s your first week so far?” Isabele asks.“Well, let me see,” I begin. “Chloe says my penmanship is shit, and I was only thirty minutes early this morning, which apparently means I’m late, but on the bright side, she thinks her non-fat, half-sweet, no-whip soy latte didn’t taste right and then she told me she’s not paying for it. Other than that, work is just fine.
— Maria Malonzo, Hello, Privet! #1 : Hello/Привет
While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops
— Karen  Gibbs, A Gallery of Scrapbook Creations
I am not being overly harsh. Overtly hostile, yes, but exactly the right amount of harsh.
— Jennifer Harrison, Write like no one is reading 2
MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. "Clients?""Yeah. You know, people who'll give us money in exchange for work.
— Laura  Oliva, A World Apart
Sorry, one night stands don't stack up as credentials for tending bar.
— Katherine McIntyre, Stolen Petals
Whatever crimes this man had committed, they weren't as egregious as his inflated self-image.
— Katherine McIntyre, Stolen Petals
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty of half full. Just drink it while everyone is arguing about it and be thankful you had a glass with something in it!
— Karen  Gibbs, A Gallery of Scrapbook Creations
You really want my honest opinion?” I ask.	Anton gestures for me to go on. “Please, this is why I hired you, devochka.”	I detect a little hint of sarcasm, but I go ahead and say, “I hate restaurants like this.”	“Why?” He seems genuinely curious to know why.	“Because—because they’re expensive.”	“What is the problem? I’m paying for everything.”	I shake my head. “It’s not that—you see,” I lower my voice, “ this is where famous people eat.”	“Famous?” Anton pretends to look around. “Where?”	“I think that’s the guy from that prank show. And there’s that guy from those vampire movies. And Maya Findlay.”	“Yeah? I don’t know who they are.”	“Really?” I ask dubiously.	“I’m not into the famous people thing too.”	“Really.”	“Yes.”	“Which is why you only date models who want to become actresses.” I notice him giving me a look. “Sorry,” I say sheepishly.
— Maria Malonzo, Hello, Privet! #1 : Hello/Привет
Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?
— Rose Wynters, My Wolf Fighter
All My Bitches Are Mad At Me Right Now.
— Brad Pitt
Valkyrie smiled patiently. "I like how you do your make-up. Do you use a brush, or just dip your head in the bucket?
— Derek Landy
The rich and large corporations get richer, the CEOs earn huge compensation packages, and when things get bad, don't worry; Uncle Sam and the American taxpayers are here to bail you out. But when you are in trouble, well, we just can't afford to help you, if you are in the working class or middle class of this country.
— Bernie Sanders, The Speech: A Historic Filibuster on Corporate Greed and the Decline of Our Middle Class
Wow," she said. "It's like you're teaching me something and being all wise.""You are not easy to get along with," Skulduggery said.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
I am quite scandalous, you see. I come packaged with unpredictable moments, brutal honesty, calamitous outbursts, the ghastly need for love, a fiendish lack of filter, the horrific need to question everything, nauseating affection, offensive kindness, indecent spirituality, obscene beauty, monstrous creativity, barbaric embellishments, contemptuous passion, sinful childhood traumas, unscrupulous hobbies, vexatious caring, abominable sensitivity, reprehensible humor, hideous sarcasm, displeasing feelings, unpalatable confidence, offensive compassion, villainous inspiration and a devilish wit. I am quite grotesque in my imperfectness and I am not ashamed to admit it.
— Shannon L. Alder
And out floated Eeyore. "Eeyore!" cried everybody. Looking very calm, very dignified, with his legs in the air, came Eeyore from beneath the bridge. "It's Eeyore!" cried Roo, terribly excited. "Is that so?" said Eeyore, getting caught up by a little eddy, and turning slowly round three times. "I wondered." "I didn't know you were playing," said Roo. "I'm not," said Eeyore. "Eeyore, what are you doing there?" said Rabbit. "I'll give you three guesses, Rabbit. Digging holes in the ground? Wrong. Leaping from branch to branch of a young oak-tree? Wrong. Waiting for somebody to help me out of the river? Right. Give Rabbit time, and he'll always get the answer." "But, Eeyore," said Pooh in distress, "what can we--I mean, how shall we--do you think if we--" "Yes," said Eeyore. "One of those would be just the thing. Thank you, Pooh.
— A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner
It’s bad enough barging into Guild property, but we’ll get into really serious trouble if we shoot anyone. Lord Vetinari won’t stop at sarcasm. He might use’ - Colon swallowed - ‘irony.
— Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
Think of it as an eight-dimensional onion.’ Justine straightened her back and gave her father an exasperated look. ‘Thanks, Dad. That’s helpful. I always think in those terms, it really helps a lot.
— Peter F. Hamilton, The Temporal Void
He said, “If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.
— Shannon L. Alder
…believing sarcasm and rude remarks kept the monsters at bay. They didn’t.
— Louise Penny, A Rule Against Murder
A big man stood looking out the window at the night. He had a close-cropped haircut, obviously military, and wore a camouflage uniform. Pink scalp showed through his light colored hair and his thick neck glowed red. There's a stroke waiting to happen. Tara couldn't stop the irreverent thought.
— D. L. Robinson Red Death
Whatever you are, do not even assume that you will be surrounded and gnawed by luxurious worms of an exquisite breed.
— Alexander Zalan, Pavilion of Thoughts
I also don't turn into a bat or sparkle in the sun. Hollywood's portrayal of vampires is almost as accurate as its portrayal of prostitution in Pretty Woman.
— Kerry Allen, This Heart Wants
Cordelia glared at me. 'I expect if someone strapped you to table an swung an axe over your naked quivering flesh like The Pit and the Pendulum, you'd be correcting his grammar'.
— Victoria Clayton, Clouds among the Stars
Going to the gym at this odd hour didn't 'work out' for me.
— Abheek Kakkar
Resilience, thy name is Devine.
— Lori Lansens, The Mountain Story
I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.
— Philip Catshill
Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it tobe one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughingbut the forces that be—given that they are even a wee bit human.
— Lori Goldson, Irene In College
I suppose that I found out two more constituents of the eternal engine: folly and curiosity.
— Alexander Zalan
That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.
— George R.R. Martin
My other hand?' Lopen said. 'The one that was cut off long ago, eaten by a fearsome beast? It is making a rude gesture toward you right now. I thought you would want to know, so you can prepare to be insulted.
— Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
Well, OK then." He narrowed his eyes. "How about you? Do you have any...romances I should know about?""Nope. Not one.""Well, good. Excellent. There'll be plenty of time for boys when you leave college and become a nun."She smiled. "I'm glad you have such ambitious dreams for me.
— Derek Landy
Of course. I died today, and now I'm going to fight aliens with a light saber. Maybe after that we can look for mermaids. Or unicorns.""No," he says. "Just aliens."Was that the barest hint of humour in his tone?
— Eve Silver, Rush
Normally ghosts didn't scare him. (Assuming, of course, Gaea hadn't encased them in shells of stone and turned them into killing machines. That had been a new one for him.)
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus
My whole day has been a unicorn ride through a field of rainbows
— Natalie D. Richards, Gone Too Far
America: It's a free country
—  that is if you can afford it.
I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it."I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good."Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make.""Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation.
— Derek Landy, The Maleficent Seven: From the World of Skulduggery Pleasant
Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.
— David C. Holley, Write like no one is reading
One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious, as in It's a nice day, or You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you alright? At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behaviour. If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working. After a while he abandoned this one as well as being obstructively cynical.
— Douglas Adams
Mary,' said her mother. 'We don't like sarcasm ' 'You mightn't like it,' said Mary. 'But I love it.
— Roddy Doyle
Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by someone who looks like they graduated from Care Bear Carnage University.
— Heather Chapple, Write like no one is reading
Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend.” - Laney
— Joann I. Martin Sowles, Laney
It’s a good thing that the sheep are all so law abiding
— Aaronovitch Ben
He was the hardest person to figure out I had ever met, which was saying something. I knew girls, after all....
— Chris O'Guinn, Exiled to Iowa. Send Help. And Couture
Sarcasm is the language of people whose emotions are dying.
— Barry  Webster, The Lava in My Bones
Because seeing someone’s heart ripped out, presumably for the first time, is something a person should accept naturally, like finding out there’s no Santa Clause.
— Katrina Monroe, Reaper
That's Doctor Smart-ass. I didn't spend eight years in insult college to be called Mister.
— Jim Butcher, Turn Coat
With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country.
— Jim Butcher, Fool Moon
Yes", she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's exactly what I'm saying, in fact let's try sex again." She leaped to her feet and torn open her jeans. "Maybe my magic vagina will cure you of all the traumatic acts my family has inflected on you.
— Larissa Ione, Bound by Night
Look at what you've done,' Sanguine said, shaking his head with mock severity. 'You have foiled out insidious little plot. You have emerged triumphant and victorious. Curse you, do-gooders. Curse you.
— Derek Landy, Playing with Fire
If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.
— Katie Graykowski, Place Your Betts
Can I ask who you are, sir?""Yeah, I expect so," said Strike, walking past him and ringing the doorbell. Anstis's dinner invitation notwithstanding, he was not feeling sympathetic to the police just now. "Should be just about within your capabilities.
— Robert Galbraith, The Silkworm
worms have crawled up your nose and eaten your wits.
— George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings
I once saw you in a tuxedo and all I wanted to do is eat.
— Pushpa Rana, Just the Way I Feel
In fact,' said Poirot, 'she stabbed him in the dark, not realising that he was dead already, but somehow deduced that he had a watch in his pyjama pocket, took it out, put back the hands blindly and gave it the requisite dent.
— Agatha Christie, Murder on the Orient Express
I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?
— Melanie Marchande, I Married a Billionaire
I have to crack a nut in order to enjoy it.
— Donna Lynn Hope
I don’t know what you’re talking about, but any organization that claims you for a member doesn’t get to call itself sinister, whether you’re left-handed or not. I would be insulted to be offered membership in such a namby-pamby organization. It would be like the Archbishop of Canterbury calling a select club of his compatriots ‘Bad, Bad Bishops’.”Marshall sniggered.“Watch out for the clergy,” Edward said. “They’re absolutely wild. Sometimes they have an extra biscuit at tea.
— Courtney Milan
Pretending will only make us anxious and encourages us to make friends with a reason, then depending with lies, thereafter we will make love with stupidity
— ikke achmad
don't play role in Drama that i well know about the content of script. i can count your steps after this. don't forget who's the director!
— ikke achmad
Why should repeat 2-3 for the same question. Let tongue and brain connect before talking.I'm not sarcastic, I'm just brutally honest !
— ikke achmad
Wouldn’t you like to know,” I smiled. “I travel. Shit happens.
— Alyse M. Gardner, Slayers
Are you really left-handed?” Mr. Marshall asked.“No. I’ve just been pretending to use my left hand my entire life because I enjoy never being able to work scissors properly.
Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.''They didn't!''They did.''When?''Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds.
— Sandra Balzo, Triple Shot
This was met with a long pause. “Are you really left-handed?” Mr. Marshall asked.“No. I’ve just been pretending to use my left hand my entire life because I enjoy never being able to work scissors properly.
— Courtney Milan
He felt that such a life in which one could display such sarcasm and wit was after all to a certain degree worth living.
— Richmal Compton
Whatever doesn't kill them, makes them make reality TV shows...
— Glen Duncan
Note to self: Caymen is very good at sarcasm.”“If you’re recording notes for an official record, I’d like the word ‘very’ stricken and replaced with ‘exceptionally.
— Kasie West, The Distance Between Us
Yes, I was standing on nothing but congealed starlight. Yes, I was walking up through a savage storm, the wind threatening to tear me off and throw me into the freezing waters of Lake Michigan far below. Yes, I was using a legendary and enchanted means of travel to transcend the border between one dimension and the next, and on my way to an epic struggle between ancient and elemental forces.But all i could think to say, between panting breaths, was, "Yeah. Sure. They couldn't possibly have made this an escalator.
— Jim Butcher, Summer Knight
I realize you're planning on fighting all the dragons single-handedly-""I'm going to protect you from John, dammit. Show him that he can't fucking mess with you. This is about territory."Tom narrowed his eyes. "Are you going to piss a circle around me too?""If that's what it takes.
— S.E. Jakes, Daylight Again
Need I say more?''No, because you're wrong, and I'd hate for you to keep embarrassing yourself.
— Erin McCahan, Love and Other Foreign Words
He's crazy," Bruno said, twirling a finger in circles around the side of his head and whistling to indicate just how crazy he thought he was. "He went up to a cat on the street the other day and invited her over for afternoon tea." "What did the cat say?" asked Gretel, who was making a sandwich in the corner of the kitchen. "Nothing." explained Bruno. "It was a cat.
— John Boyne, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
What time is it?”“One o'clock.”I nearly spit out some soda. “In theafternoon?”“No. In the morning. Don't let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies.
— Glenn Bullion, Demonspawn
But nowhere in the file had anyone said, “Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.
— Lish McBride, Firebug
Oh, adjust yourself. You people have spent ten millennia playing at soldiers while becoming ever more dedicated civilians. We've spent the last thousand years trying hard to stay civilian while refining the legacy of a won galactic war.
— Iain M. Banks, The Hydrogen Sonata
You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.
— Nenia Campbell, Touched with Sight
Ah, Proph." Tom paused. "You did have a nightmare last night.""And here I thought maybe I dreamed it," Prophet muttered sarcastically.
— S.E. Jakes, Daylight Again
We are literally in the heart of Jesus," he said."I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus.""Someone should tell Jesus," I said. "I mean, it's gotta be dangerous, storing children with cancer in your heart.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.[points to self]
— Bill Lawrence
There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.
— Ryan Lilly
His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane.” Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.“Ah.” Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. “He is dead then? Ser Gregor?”“I would think so, my lord,” Aurane Waters said dryly. “I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal.
— George R.R. Martin
Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash
— Hazel Blackthorn, His Brother's Keeper
I'm financially ugly.
— Rea Lidde, Haven
You’ll pardon me,” he finally said, “if the suggestion that the minuscule black turnip you call a heart is suddenly overflowing with generosity toward me leaves me wanting to arm myself and put my back against a wall.
— Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora
I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.
— Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.
— N.R. Walker, Sense of Place
Since I've moved here, you have shown up at my door eight times. I obey the laws, I pay my taxes, and I haven't even gotten a parking ticket in my entire time as a driver. Yet if anything at all happens in the neighborhood, you appear at my door. I bet if a meteorite fell somewhere in the subdivision, you would be here asking me if I personally launched it out of my doomsday cannon.
— Ilona Andrews, Clean Sweep
What? Really? And I thought I was just emotionally withdrawn.” She pulled her feet up, hugging her knees. “I’m also incapable going to be your next brilliant observation.
— Marissa Meyer, Cinder
We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.
— Nenia Campbell, Touched with Sight
A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.
— Nenia Campbell, Touched with Sight
Do I have to get diapers?” he asked.“Why, did Kade shit himself?” she laughed.Dylan huffed loudly.  Eyebrows knitted together, “DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?”Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, “Don’t you think it’s too early to start drinking?  You just got up…”“IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?”“I’M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?”My God, you have surrounded me with idiots.
— Christine Zolendz, Cold-Blooded Beautiful
She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously."I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
No one referred toFearghus the Destroyer as the life of anyone’s party.
— G.A. Aiken, About a Dragon
Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. "I'm sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.
— Laini Taylor, Dreams of Gods & Monsters
Hhhmm. A sense of humor.” He cocked his head to the side.“That actually might annoy me.”She frowned, ignoring the teasing sound to that oh-so-low voiceand, with heavy sarcasm answered, “Oh, well, that’ll keep me upnights.
— G.A. Aiken, About a Dragon
Truly," remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, "it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress." "Well, hang in there. The night is young.
— Richelle Mead, Storm Born
I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?
— Nenia Campbell, Touched with Sight
Just because it looks like a leprechaun and talks like a leprechaun, it doesn't mean it can't act like the little fucking demon it is.
— N.L. Gervasio, Nemesis
I nee to reason for a plague, ... As far as I know no comets or eclipses have been forecast, and our sins are not great enough for God to be concerned with us.
— Gabriel García Márquez, Of Love and Other Demons
Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.
— G.K. Chesterton, The Napoleon of Notting Hill
If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it.
— Marcy Sheiner
Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.
— Nenia Campbell, Touched with Sight
And her dumplings were so light they would float in the air and you'd have to catch 'em to eat 'em.
— Fannie Flagg, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
It is most remarkable that Lincoln, when he saw so much that was vulnerable in the leadership of the Church, did not move to the opposite error and become a scoffer.
— Elton Trueblood, Abraham Lincoln: Lessons in Spiritual Leadership
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.''You had sex then?''No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare." Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt
— Ashley Jeffery, The Wild Hunt
There are a few things that even sarcasm can't protect you from.
— Diana Peterfreund, Shadowhunters and Downworlders: A Mortal Instruments Reader
At the last moment, Kellan swerved around him, quickly leaving the zombie behind. “Why didn't you just hit him?” Jayden asked, turning to look behind us as we sped away. I did, too. The zombie spun around as he immediately started to follow us. “I didn't want to mess up my paint job,” Kellan sarcastically replied as he turned on the street that would lead us to the store. “Plus, I just washed it.
— Rose Wynters, Phase Two: Evaluate
Julio was willing to bet that Officer "I've Seen It All" Mac had never seen a horde of black-skinned demons wearing rags and armor and carrying swords and spears, dragging a naked woman and a chubby boy by a rope. No, he was willing to bet his left nut that even officer Mac had never seen such a thing.
— Brom, The Child Thief
The Death Mist is not for helping!" Akhlys shrieked. "It shrouds mortals in misery as their souls pass into the Underworld. It is the very breath of Tartarus, of death, of despair!""Awesome," Percy said. "Could we get two orders of that to go?
— Rick Riordan, The House of Hades
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
— George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.
— Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code
Sascha nodded. "Want me to wait?""Do I want my mate to wait in a deserted forest while a dangerous Psy fugitive remains on the loose? Wait, let me think.""Sarcasm does not suit you." She kissed him again, laughter in her eyes.
— Nalini Singh, Hostage to Pleasure
Fine. Okay. I killed her. But I didn’t mean to. And I didn’t kill her, kill her.”“Oh, I see. As long as you didn’t kill her, kill her, then that’s okay.
— Karen Marie Moning, Iced
Owr brave little shank!
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
That's the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That's putting the old foot down. If she's determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn't have it in peace.
— J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey
You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?"As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?
— Josh Lanyon, Fair Game
I was dead, and I hadn't even been able to attend my own funeral.
— Meg Cabot, Airhead
Where are Haldad my father, and Haldad my brother? If the king of Doriath fears a friendship between Haleth and those who have devoured her kin, then the ways of the Eldar are strange to Men.
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion
When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I’m a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, “Hello, Jeff,” and sat down again next to my father.
— Michael Thomas Ford, Suicide Notes
Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert symphony, something about travel and money again, and we lay there, both of our breaths bad, both of our underwear dangling elastic, and then you turned toward me with a gaze like two matches, putting the horoscope aside, you traced my buried ribs with your index finger, lingered at my collarbone, admiring it as one might a flying buttress, murmuring: Nice clavicle. And me, too new at it and scared, not knowing what to say, whispering: You should see my ten-speed.
— Lorrie Moore, Self-Help
Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?'' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher.Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it teachers ask ' Would you like to?' No teen ever wants to stand in front of strangers and be forced to talk about them. - Lenore Lee from Whitby After Dark
— Stella Coulson, Whitby After Dark - A Vampire Novella & Dark Poetry
I don't want to be here when my latest work of accidental art is discovered.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks!
— Elizabeth Peters, A River in the Sky
Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?” he asked. “I have already learned not to speak to strangers.” “Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond.” “I am disinclined to know you.
— Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
Such polite manners for an armed man who was kidnapping me. Danilo could take a few lessons from him.
— Robin Bridges, The Gathering Storm
“Your Tim is so unmistakably a healthy extravert type. Mens stulta in corpore sano, and all that.”“Exactly,” she agreed.
— John Wyndham, Chocky
You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me.
— Nicki Elson, Hans & Greta: a Twisted Fairy Tale Novella
Im.’ The monosyllable was heavy with contempt. ‘’E’s a twat.’‘Is he?’‘Yeah, ’e is. Ask Kieran.’She gave the impression that she and Kieran stood together, sane, dispassionate observers of the idiots populating Lula’s world.
— Robert Galbraith, The Cuckoo's Calling
I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.
— George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
What? You mean this crap shack isn't part of the Four Seasons. Shocking.
— Ashley Elston, The Rules for Disappearing
You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?
— Nenia Campbell, Locked and Loaded
Here's a tip...If you leave a girl crying you're probably not doing your Don Juan routine right, asshole.
— Rachel Caine, Fall of Night
She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape! It was SO appreciated. XOXO!
— Gina Damico, Rogue
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and I realize that they are fighting laughter over my terrible plight. There's friendship for you.
— Libba Bray, Rebel Angels
It’s not complicated and it doesn’t compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it,” Jill snapped.Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. “Yes, you did.” He brought her a cookie. “Very good, my young one. You’ve made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information.
— R.L. Mathewson, Tall, Dark & Lonely
Charming. We're going to be murdered in our beds.
— J. Anderson Coats, The Wicked and the Just
Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without a scope who cares am I? This is why I must but must be one of the inhabitants of MTV's "Real World." Only there, burning brightly into a million dazzled eyes, will my as yet uncontoured self assume the beauteous forms that are not just its own, but an entire market niche's, due. I am a Kirk Cameron-Kurt Cobain figure, roguishly quirky, dandified but down to earth, kooky but comprehensible; denizen of the growing penumbra between alternative and mainstream culture; angsty prophet of the already bygone apocalypse, yet upbeat, stylish and sexy!Oscar Wilde wrote, "Good artists exist in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating... [they] live the poetry [they] cannot write." As with Dorian Gray, life is my art! Oh MTV, take me, make me, wake me from my formless slumbers and place me in the dreamy Real World of target marketing.
— Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Sarcasm is wasted on those who haven’t had a decent night’s sleep, my darling.
— Tracy Guzeman, The Gravity of Birds
Don't sound so surprised. I have sensible moments, you know.
— Elizabeth Peters, The Falcon at the Portal
If she hasn't learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it's not likely she will.
— Elizabeth Peters, The Falcon at the Portal
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.
— K. Martin Beckner, Chips of Red Paint
I'm good. And it's good to see you've kept up the tradition of getting the holy shit beat out of you,even when you're in a nice, civilized place.
— Rachel Caine, Fall of Night
I could just hear my mom now, "You know those old candy cigarettes are bad for you. Next thing you know, you'll be drinking alcohol, and they'll find you dead in a ditch somewhere. I'll never be able to show my face in this town again.
— K. Martin Beckner, Chips of Red Paint
Don't read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.
— Rachel Caine, Fall of Night
I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this,” Arch said as he looked at both men. “I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase.” He made a quote motion with his fingers. Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. “Please, don't put us through that torture.
— Rose Wynters, Curvaceous Condemnation
What if," replied Inspector Fry in the same maddeningly curteous tone, "we were all to construct daisy chains and drape them so as to shield the words from public view?
— Lyndsay Faye, Dust and Shadow: An Account of the Ripper Killings by Dr. John H. Watson
Dearest love, let me count the ways. Dismemberment, garroted, poisoned, drowned, named. I read that as soon as a species is named it begins its travels up the endangered list. Discovery meaning death.
— Lindsay Hunter, Don't Kiss Me: Stories
Eisenhower and Patton, old friends and figures crucial to the Allies' upcoming success, conferred over yet another gaffe on Patton's part that could have cost him his command. Patton's head is on Ike's shoulder in gratitude, but the scene is rescued from being completely maudlin by Eisenhower's internal question as to whether Patton wears his ever-present helmet to bed.
— Jean Edward Smith, Eisenhower in War and Peace
Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.
— Rose Wynters, Delicate Devastation
Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.
— H.M. Ward, Damaged
Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.
— Panic at the Disco, Panic! at the Disco: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found,” I said to the man searching my pants. “You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two.
— Nenia Campbell, Armed and Dangerous
Eragon went to see the dragon for the first time since it had spoken to him. He approached apprehensively, aware now that it was an equal."Eragon.""Is that all you can say?" he snapped."Yes."His eyes widened at the unexpected reply, and he sat down ro
— Christopher Paolini, Eragon
Who the hell is that?!Some call her Satan. Others, Beelzebub. She goes by many names.
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Natural Born Charmer
Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?
— Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.
— Nenia Campbell, Armed and Dangerous
I was planning to end this phase after a few weeks, but after one particular meeting, the lead advisor asked me not to come back. She said she'd noticed that every time I was asked to give a suggestion about an ex-husband to a grieving divorcee, I always said, "You should have him murdered.
— Whitney G., Mid-Life Love
You must be a blast on long car rides.”“Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.
— Nenia Campbell, Armed and Dangerous
I frowned at him. "Isn't sarcasm the opiate of the masses?""You're thinking of religion," he replied. "Sarcasm is the Xanax of the morally bereft.
— Cecily White, Prophecy Girl
Then I wondered if that was what this was, like a Brokeback Mountain thing. We’d sleep in the same bed for a year, and finally we’d do it, but we’d never talk about it, ever, and then Ben would get married and I’d be killed in Texas.Probably not, but you can never be too careful with these things.
— Bill Konigsberg, Openly Straight
Is this the baby?" I said.Ma turned on me again."What do you think it is?" she said. "A midget that can't talk?
— George Saunders, Tenth of December
There's nothing like a headless corpse to bring a touch of excitement into one's life.
— Chet Williamson, Murder in Cormyr
Nothing like an orange and olive green-striped couch sitting on orange carpet and surrounded by dark wood paneling to get the inspiration rolling.
— Erynn Mangum, Sketchy Behavior
I opened my eyes really wide and fluttered my eyelashes at him. "I'm sorry, I must've missed your coronation ceremony. Silly me." from Clean Sweep
— Ilona Andrews
This is fantastically squalid," said Milo. "We may never get out of here alive.
— R.J. Anderson, Quicksilver
Right. That's twenty-two fifty.""Twenty-two fifty?" We can't hide our exasperation."Well, yeah - this is a classy joint, you know.""That's obvious - the service is incredible.
— Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger
If by ‘foe’ you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I’d fall into the ‘friend’ category,” I replied cynically. “Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.
— M.A. George, Proximity
Casting sarcasm ain't easy.. It needs hard work and a big mug of cappuccino!
— Himmilicious
There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.
— Courtney Kirchoff, Jaden Baker
I've given her signs! I've given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn?
— Molly Ringle, Relatively Honest
I have no doubt that they'll tell you a lot of kind things about me when my back is turned. They may not have been behind the door when God passed out the pretty faces, but Heaven only knows where they were when He divided up the gratitude.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Basic Training
If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses.Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible.You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it!
— Himmilicious
Yeah, and we could fly in on dragons and release a cloud of sugar plum fairies to tiptoe in an get the watch.
— Mora Early, Twisted Arrangement
High School. Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.
— Chris Colfer, Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
You are a sick, sick man,” I told him.“Thank you,” Ben replied, looking modest.
— Patricia Briggs, Silver Borne
You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.''And yet it is still extremely funny.
— Cecelia Ahern, The Time of My Life
You’ve missed a lot of things. But mostly I think you’ve missed several opportunities to leave. Let me assist you to the door so that you won’t miss this next one.
— Victoria Laurie, Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye
I understand that you don’t want to marry me,” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.
— Merrie Haskell, The Princess Curse
You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?”“My gun turned back into a pumpkin.
— Nenia Campbell, Armed and Dangerous
Imitating someone is the mediocre way of getting humanity back to what we evolved from.
— Shubham Choudhary
You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.
— B.J. Neblett
Ah, sarcasm. The final refuge of the desperate.
— Ashlyn Macnamara, A Most Scandalous Proposal
It feels good to shoot your veins full of heroin too, but that doesn’t mean you should go out and become a junkie.
— Noelle Blakely, Cherishing Destiny
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Yeah, well, whoever wrote that was a friggin' idiot.
— Marley Gibson, The Awakening
What am I doing here? The Southern Star has vanished, a Cataclyst is calling the moon out of time at the mythical Great Barrier, and you're asking what I'm doing here? Are you serious?
— Kami Garcia
Go on the roller coaster they tell me. It’ll be fun they tell me. -Max Montgomery
— Amanda Kelly, Shifting Shadows
He sure told you off, huh, Icy?" ~Darcy
— VIZ Media, Time for Magic
I don’t recall either of you asking me, you know I’m a lady and I need to be asked and agree to it.
— Amanda Kelly, Shifting Shadows
The only stirrups I like are on a saddle.
— Donna Lynn Hope
You his brother?''Yes, damn it!' I burst out. "And all I want is to get my hands on whoever did this to him!''Funny,' said a dick dryly, 'but so do we.'I didn't like him much after that. Sarcasm is out of place when a man has just been brought face to face with personal tragedy.("Walls That Hear You")
— Cornell Woolrich, Darkness At Dawn
Do…you…have…a…hard…time…finding…Steve’s dick?” she enunciated, enjoying Mary’s extreme discomfort. “He’s big as a fuckin’ house so I imagine it might be a bit of a problem.” The New Jersey accent that was still there after more than fifteen years in the south, resurfaced in her aggravation.
— A.T. Hicks, Peaches and the Gambler
The Bibbidi Bobbidi Beautiful boutique, the name filled me with dread.
— Jessica Fortunato, Steam
Someone tells me I’ve been touched by Jesus, I remember.”“Not Jesus,” he said in all seriousness. “The hand of God.
— Gretchen McNeil, Possess
We had and incident. I took care of it.""Really." Jace's voice dripped sarcasm. "Do you even know how to use that knife, Clarissa? Without poking a hole in yourself or any innocent bystanders?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester."I flipped him off."Well that wasn't funny at all.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Deity