c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.
— St. John Morris
You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
Your toaster’s a puff.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. “What are you doing son?” he asked.“Toasting a witch”, St John replied.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?
— Hillary DePiano, The Love of Three Oranges: A Play for the Theatre That Takes the Commedia Dell'arte of Carlo Gozzi and Updates It for the New Millennium
You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.""She's not clever. I did them," yelled Frieda."You'll get five years.""She did them."From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl
— Robyn Quaker
I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.
— M.J. McGuire, Meme Myself and Jesus
Nobody touches my ding dongs!
— Ray S. Jones
What have you got in there you little bastard?
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
A Wasn’t just isn't. He just isn't present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!
— Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!
Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, "Quit eating us," and sharks are like, "Stop smiling all the time, you morons.
— Dan Florence, Zombies Love Pizza
There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.
— Dan Florence, Zombies Love Pizza
There's something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics tell you a truth you can only see from the underside of the psyche. At its best, comedy is prophesy and societal dream interpretation. At its worst it's just dick jokes.
— Nadia Bolz-Weber, Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint
The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.
— Douglas Lewis
The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat.
— Douglas Adams
The Prince stood beside the timpanist to count his rests for him and see that he came in in the right place. I suppressed all the trumpet passages which were clearly beyond the players' grasp. The solitary trombone was left to his own devices; but as he wisely confined himself to the notes with which he was thoroughly familiar, such as A flat, D and F, and was careful to avoid all others, his success in the role was almost entirely a silent one.
— Hector Berlioz, The Memoirs
Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.
— Henry Fielding, Joseph Andrews
Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.
— Dave Turner
If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!
— The Covert Comic
Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.
— The Covert Comic
Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked
— The Covert Comic
The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.
— The Covert Comic
I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.
— The Covert Comic
Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?
— The Covert Comic
The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
— The Covert Comic
The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.
— The Covert Comic
Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?
— The Covert Comic
Every Friday is black where I work.
— The Covert Comic
Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.
— The Covert Comic
Black graffiti on a black helicopter.
— The Covert Comic
Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.
— The Covert Comic
The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever. One is not meant to laugh. One stays quiet and marvels. Spontaneously witty talk is without question the most fascinating entertainment there is.
— Diana Vreeland, D.V.
The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you just say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth,' now we're getting somewhere.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
I say, you look smashing this evening," Zayne strode over to her, took her arm, and began helping her up the walk, "That is a lovely gown, and what is the color of the hair you're currently sporting?
— Jen Turano, A Most Peculiar Circumstance
Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)
— Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.
— Sorin Suciu, The Scriptlings
We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Speak English at this table or I will fire you so fast you'll wind up standing at the airport wondering how you got from here to there without any goddamn pants on.
— Mira Grant, Feed
SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy.
— Seinfeld 2000, The Apple Store
Wrinkles was her big gray cat. Sierra named him Wrinkles because when he was a little baby he had a wrinkly face. He slept in Sierra's room, but not always on the bed. Mommy said that was 'cause Wrinkles had an attitude. Most cats had attitudes, actually.
— Karen Kingsbury, Beyond Tuesday Morning
HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured.“I skim them,” I protested.“Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.”“I can handle . . .”“Impotence.” HARV smiled.“Oh,” I said.“Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.”“Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful. Believe me — I experienced it once.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
Twoa said, obviously still in my brain. "It was my pheromones," she said defensively. I looked up at her; she was sniffing herself. She looked down at me. "Okay, maybe it wasn’t ALL the pheromones," she admitted. "Nobody makes a good deodorant for superheroes.
— John Zakour, The Flaxen Femme Fatale
People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.
— Roy Saputra, Lontang-Lantung
HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.
— J. Ross Clara, Citations: A Brief Anthology
98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Make your life the greatest story ever told!
— Marie Guillaume, Mr. Wolf V. the Three Pigs: Mr. Wolf Goes to Court
Hey Circe, how come your horoscope predictions are never that a hot girl is gonna fall madly in love with me forever and ever?”“Uh, cause you're a dork Seth!” She taunted.“Oh yeah,” Seth said happily smiling at her. “That explains the devastating loneliness and constant abuse by alpha males…
— Charlie Fey, Easy "A"
My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happened when something really true got into your brain. Something so true that your system just couldn't stand it.
— J. Ross Clara, Citations: A Brief Anthology
Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don't, no matter how funny they are.
— Roy Station, ALL BY MOUTH.
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher’s slides with the images. The teacher, in a state of panic, kept rapidly pressing the ‘next’ button. It was like a pornographic flip-book. That was the last straw in a very heavy pile of straws. I was expelled, and I ended up transferring mid-year from boarding school to a public school near home.
— Dani Alexander, Shattered Glass
Ain't nothing going to eat you while Bubba's around." Caleb laughed. "They might toy with him for a bit but he won't let any past." Caleb to Nick."Is something wrong?" Nick to Bubba"Nah... I just..." Bubba nervous."Please, God, Bubba, tell me you're not about to ask me out, are you?" Nick to Bubba.Bubba made a rude sound at him. "Hell, nah. I'd date Mark first, provided he took a bath so I wouldn't have to fumigate my truck or store.""But," Bubba continued, "now that you mention it... that is what I wanted to ask you about.""Dating Mark? Really?" Nick to Bubba.'Cause the kid with a brand-new license was such an expert on going out with others.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Inferno
I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.
— Dani Alexander, Shattered Glass
Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark
— Graham Chapman
Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.
— Steve Martin, Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
Support your partner in their interests. You never know when batting practice, kung fu movie moves, or even a poker night might come in handy during a zombie infestation.
— Jesse Petersen, Married with Zombies
Make requests, not demands. "Please" kill that zombie, honey, I'm out of bullets.
— Jesse Petersen, Married with Zombies
I couldn't have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named Robinson with rheumatism in one arm, living at Clapham.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters
The effort really to see and really to represent is no idle business in face of the constant force that makes for muddlement. The great thing is indeed that the muddled state too is one of the very sharpest of the realities, that it also has color and form and character, has often in fact a broad and rich comicality.
— Henry James
Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.
— Jesse Petersen, Married with Zombies
Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.
— Laurie Notaro, It Looked Different on the Model: Epic Tales of Impending Shame and Infamy
I should have known that having "end of the world" sex wouldn't solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.
— Jesse Petersen, Married with Zombies
Because I'm not really certain she'd make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.
— Jesse Petersen, Married with Zombies
Now Vegas, while you were asleep your classmates and I were discussing time manipulation. What are your thoughts on the subject?”“Well,” Vegas turned to the class, his captive audience and smiled, “if you can manipulate time so this bell would hurry up and ring, I'd think it’s fabuloso.” The class snickered again, but not everyone since someone else had made a similar joke just several minutes prior. Naturally, Vegas hadn't been able to hear it over the sound of his own snoring.
— Charlie Fey, Easy "A"
The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.
— Jonas Eriksson, Everyday Psychopaths
Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!
— Lewis Black
Commercial comedy's often set up to feature an ironist makingdevastating sport of someone who's naive or sentimental or pretentious orpompous.
— David Foster Wallace
What are you doing?” Nine Eleven asked, noticing Seth trying to look around him. He followed Seth's gaze. “Oh.”He turned back around and handed Seth a wry smile. “So what are you going to do about her, Seth? Create a love spell that will bend her to your will and make her your sex slave?”“Is that how you get dates?” Seth asked.
— Charlie Fey, Easy "A"
The old agility was still present and the passion was undeniable, but it was the wobbling of the gut, the puffing of the cheeks and the profuse sweating that lent the performance its true magic.
— Jamie Holoran, Rounder's People
The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.
— Yahtzee Croshaw, Jam
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it
— Bill Hicks
Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Burns
That night's show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience "didn't want to see a sketch with two women" can go shit in his hat.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.
— Bill Hicks
A farce or comedy is best played
—  a tragedy is best read at home.
He could sit in the dust and dark of the carriage house and rot for the rest of his life. Clearly that's what he wished to do. It was not my place to get in the way of so profound a destiny.
— Kristin Bailey, Legacy of the Clockwork Key
Do short people reach their full potential quicker?
— Benny Bellamacina, Philosophical Uplifting Quotes and Poems
When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".
— Michelle M. Pillow
Would you like some sacred chocolate?' a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara's side. 'They've very special chocolates,' she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara's direction. 'They're raw and sweetened with Stevia.'Stevia, huh? Lara grabbed a chocolate truffle and popped it into her mouth, winking at the girl. She hoped the 'stevia' would kick in soon, because frankly, it looked like these women were having a better time than she'd had in ages.
— Lola Salt, The Extraordinary Life of Lara Craft
Now, listen Tyler,' Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on someone else's kitchen table.
— Lola Salt, The Extraordinary Life of Lara Craft
Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!
— Hillary DePiano, The Love of Three Oranges: A Play for the Theatre That Takes the Commedia Dell'arte of Carlo Gozzi and Updates It for the New Millennium
The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour he hadn't been holding one.
— Robert Lynn Asprin, Myth-ing Persons
You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?
— A.J. Wiliams
CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and rot for many a year? Nay, but those fellows tooketh care to remove the wetness that didst plagueth me of late and hath laid me upon the cool ground to revel in a state of dryness. Nay, I wouldst not delay them in their noble course for all thine base and bestial howling.CREONTA: Then, you, dearest donkey, precious beast of burden, tear those two apart and eat their flesh!DONKEY: Nay, but alas for many a season didst you but keep the food of the tummy from me and my mouth when it was that I required it of you. These fine gentlemen of fortune didst but give me carrots of which to partake which I did most verily and forthsoothe with merriment. I havest decided that thou dost suck most verily and no longer will I layth the smackth down in thine name but will rather let such gentlemen as these go free of themselves. TRUFFALDINO: [To the audience.] Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!
— Hillary DePiano, The Love of Three Oranges: A Play for the Theatre That Takes the Commedia Dell'arte of Carlo Gozzi and Updates It for the New Millennium
Sir, he hath not fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; He hath not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink; his intellect is not replenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in the duller parts... (Act IV, Scene II)
— William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost
It’s hillbilly urine
—  we had better get home before they come to eat us.” Kevin said pointing towards home proving if there was ever any doubt that he had no acting ability at all. (The Children of Ankh series)
It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer." Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.
— Kaal Kaczmarek, Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point
I'm gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up," she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. "That's a good thing to be, Julia.""Although," Frank said. "Frank Zhang would be good too.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. "Yum," she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. "It's made with tofu."I can't resist. "Free-range tofu?"My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes the bait. "Now, Cassidy, tofu isn't an animal," she chides. "It's soy bean curd. Soy bean curd doesn't need to roam free."On the floor below me, Emma lets out a little snort. I nudge her again with my foot. We're both grinning at the thought of a corral somewhere with little cubes of tofu wandering around. "Home, home on the range," I sing to her under my breath. "Where the deer and the tofu roam free...
— Heather Vogel Frederick
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
— Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
— Daniel Tosh
Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people
— Benny Bellamacina
It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.
— Mindy Levy
Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don't you have ironing to do"Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card
— Mock of the week the show
Another case for the dumbness of reading, however, is that books do not contain answers, but rather pose more questions. And asking questions makes you look dumber, not sma
— Dan Wilbur, How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life
A few people have ventured to imitate Shakespeare's tragedy. But no audacious spirit has dreamed or dared to imitate Shakespeare's comedy. No one has made any real attempt to recover the loves and the laughter of Elizabethan England. The low dark arches, the low strong pillars upon which Shakespeare's temple rests we can all explore and handle. We can all get into his mere tragedy; we can all explore his dungeon and penetrate into his coal-cellar, but we stretch our hands and crane our necks in vain towards that height where the tall turrets of his levity are tossed towards the sky. Perhaps it is right that this should be so; properly understood, comedy is an even grander thing than tragedy.
— G.K. Chesterton
Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.
— Harlan Tarbell, The Tarbell Course in Magic Volume 2
In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong
— Benny Bellamacina
I'm holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I've made friends with space hamsters. I think we've stretched believability rather far, don't you?
— Michael S. Atkinson
I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.
— Phil Torcivia, Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks
Success=Assinchair
— Judy Griffith Gill
I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment.
— Danny Wallace
...big, strapping macho guys were like liquid diets--they were great for emergencies, but she wouldn't want to be on one all the time.
— Stephanie Bond, Whole Lotta Trouble
Says here there's a reward," Mr. Hooks said.Tallie blinked, then remembered Keith had added that tidbit for incentive. She opened her purse and scrutinized the contents of her slim wallet--twelve dollars and a book of stamps. She handed over the ten and the stamps, then tossed in a free drink coupon from Starbucks. "Thanks." Then she turned and fled.
— Stephanie Bond, Whole Lotta Trouble
In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.
— Terry Weible Murphy
DEMETRIUSRelent, sweet Hermia: and, Lysander, yieldThy crazed title to my certain right.LYSANDERYou have her father's love, Demetrius;Let me have Hermia's: do you marry him.
— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
QUINCEFrancis Flute, the bellows-mender.FLUTEHere, Peter Quince.QUINCEFlute, you must take Thisby on you.FLUTEWhat is Thisby? a wandering knight?QUINCEIt is the lady that Pyramus must love.FLUTENay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard coming.
— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
You got a gun, you don't have to work out.
— Chris Rock
What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows.
— John Green, Paper Towns
Either to die the death or to abjureFor ever the society of men.Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;Know of your youth, examine well your blood,Whether, if you yield not to your father's choice,You can endure the livery of a nun,For aye to be in shady cloister mew'd,To live a barren sister all your life,Chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.Thrice-blessed they that master so their blood,To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,Than that which withering on the virgin thornGrows, lives and dies in single blessedness.
— William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic')
— Ed Byrne
What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?
— Lisa Papademetriou
We are not meant to die merely in order to be dead. God could not want that for the creatures to whom He has given the breath of life. We die in order to live.
— Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control
When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation.Jesus said you are to love one another as I have loved you, a love that will possibly lead to the bloody, anguish gift of yourself, a love that forgives seven times seven, that keeps no record of wrong. This is the criterion, sole norm, the standard of discipleship in the New Israel of God.
— Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God
You will know as much of God, and only as much of God, as you are willing to put into practice.
— Eric Liddell, The Disciplines Of The Christian Life
We should be more concerned with reaching the lost than pampering the saved.
— David McGee
One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime. Nor is surrender to the will of God (per se) adequate to fullness of power in Christ. Maturity is the accomplishment of years, and I can only surrender to the will of God as I know what that will is.
— Elisabeth Elliot, Shadow of the Almighty: The Life and Testament of Jim Elliot
Jesus of Nazareth always comes asking disciples to follow him--not merely "accept him," not merely "believe in him," not merely "worship him," but to follow him: one either follows Christ, or one does not. There is no compartmentalization of the faith, no realm, no sphere, no business, no politic in which the lordship of Christ will be excluded. We either make him Lord of all lords, or we deny him as Lord of any.
— Lee Camp, Mere Discipleship: Radical Christianity in a Rebellious World
He who has conquered his own coward spirit has conquered the whole outward world
When in situations of stress, we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capabilities perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; and therefore, let us continue but with a more determined discipleship." (Ensign, Feb. 1979, 73.)
— Neal Maxwell
One of the consequences of sin is that it makes the sinner pity himself instead of causing him to turn to God. One of the first signs of new life is that the individual takes sides with God against himself.
— Donald Grey Barnhouse
anything that changes you forever, split my life into halves: Before and After.
— Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Never go into venture capital if you want a peaceful life.
— Georges F. Doriot
(Bonhoeffer's) change was not an ungainly, embarrassing leap from which he would have to retreat slightly when he gained more maturity and perspective. It was by all accounts a deepening consistent with what had gone before.
— Eric Metaxas, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy
The best measure of a spiritual life is not its ecstasies but its obedience.
— Oswald Chambers
By giving us control, our new technologies tend to enhance existing idols in our lives. Instead of becoming more like Christ through the forming and shaping influence of the church community, we form, and shape, and personalize our community to make it more like us. We take control of things that are not ours to control. Could it be that our desire for control is short-circuiting the process of change and transformation God wants us to experience through the mess of real world, flesh and blood, face-to-face relationships?
— Tim Challies, The Next Story: Life and Faith after the Digital Explosion
Beginning to sense his call to preach boldly in dangerous situations even though he was young and slight, the author agreed to go only if God would give him a particular sense of His presence. The next morning, the author says it was as if God took out his human eyes and replaced them with God's own because he saw other people so much more vividly.
— K.P. Yohannan, Revolution in World Missions
Most people in America, when they are exposed to the Christian faith, are not being transformed. They take one step into the door, and the journey ends. They are not being allowed, encouraged, or equipped to love or to think like Christ. Yet in many ways a focus on spiritual formation fits what a new generation is really seeking. Transformation is a process, a journey, not a one-time decision.
— David Kinnaman, unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity... and Why It Matters
God in His sovereign goodness often uses the painful and at times debilitating injury of a spear thrower to make us readier for His service. ... One thing you discover about spear throwers is that though it’s not necessary for them to be good, it’s essential for them to appear good.
— Erwin W. Lutzer, When You've Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness
Everything in Scripture is either preparation for the Gospel, presentation of the Gospel, or participation in the Gospel.
— Dave Harvey
We advise disciples not to follow anyone. Let them follow themselves. Each one should follow his resplendent and luminous inner Being.
— Samael Aun Weor, The Major Mysteries: The Gnostic Jesus and the Path of Initiation
The Christian life does not just evolve. It also requires specific decisions and public commitments to deepen our faith and obedience.
— Mark Galli, Chaos and Grace: Discovering the Liberating Work of the Holy Spirit
Men and women of God through the centuries have lived out this abiding truth. There are no heroes of the faith who did not live out this extravagant lavishing of their time on Jesus. When we examine their private lives, we see that they needed to abide for strength and for wisdom. They were addicted to extravagant time in the presence of Jesus because it gave them life and joy and was the only thing that fulfilled them.
— Missionaries Who Love The Arab World, Live Dead: The Journey
Abiding time is extravagant daily time with Jesus. This extravagant time is the center of abiding. Not legalism, not dry discipline, not manufactured spirituality, but joyous soaking in the presence of Jesus, lavish spending of time with Him who is most precious, Him from whom all life flows. In a world that is over-connected yet lonely, frantically busy yet accomplishing little of eternal value, super-informed but egregiously ignorant on what really matters, abiding gives Jesus the best of our time, in which He leads us to the best of times.
— Missionaries Who Love The Arab World, Live Dead: The Journey
Good disciplemaking requires both intentionality and relationality. It means being strategic and being social. Most of us are bent one way or the other. We’re naturally relational, but lacking in intentionality. Or we find it easy to be intentional, but not relational. We typically tip (or sometimes lean) one way or the other as we begin the disciplemaking process. But tipping and leaning won’t cover the full picture of what life-on-life disciplemaking requires. It’s not just friend-to-friend, and it’s not just teacher-to-student. It’s both. There is the sharing of ordinary life (relationship) and seeking to initiate and make the most of teachable moments (intentionality). There are the long walks through Galilee and the sermons on the mount. Disciplemaking is both organic and engineered, relational and intentional, with shared context and shared content, quality and quantity time.
— David Mathis, Habits of Grace: Enjoying Jesus through the Spiritual Disciplines
We need to be making disciples telling people about Jesus & move them beyond conversation into a heart relationship with Him in the fullness
— John M Sheehan
We email, Facebook, tweet and text with people who are going to spend eternity in either heaven or hell. Our lives are too short to waste on mere temporal conversations when massive eternal realities hang in the balance. Just as you and I have no guarantee that we will live through the day, the people around us are not guaranteed tomorrow either. So let's be intentional about sewing the threads of the gospel into the fabric of our conversations every day, knowing that it will not always be easy, yet believing that eternity will always be worth it.
— David Platt, Follow Me: A Call to Die. A Call to Live.
It is by suffering that Christ brings it in to the kingdoms of this world
— L. Michael Morales
Make us, Lord, in Chesterton's distinction, travelers instead of tourists. Where the tourist defines his day by the expectation of seeing certain things, give us the traveler's openness to seeing what You will reveal.
— Brian Eshleman
The follower aspires with all his strength to be what he admires. And then, remarkably enough, even though he lives amongst a 'Christian people,' he incurs the same peril as he did when it was dangerous to openly confess Christ. And because of the follower's life, it will become evident who the admirers are, for the admirers will become agitated with him. Even these words will disturb many - but then they must likewise belong to the admirers.
— Søren Kierkegaard
Today, we have many ways of defining success in life. Some define it as being a sports hero, others as being wealthy, others as being popular and well liked, and still others as being happy. How does God define success? He defines it as being spiritually mature!
— Todd M. Fink, Biblical Discipleship: Essential Components for Attaining Spiritual Maturity
The author offers Paul Tripp's analogy that most of the strategies for growth in the Christian life amounts to stapling live roses on a dead bush.
— J.D. Greear, Gospel: Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Revolutionary
God wants us to have soft hearts and hard feet. The trouble with so many of us is that we have hard hearts and soft feet.
— Jackie Pullinger
Let me be on my guard when the world puts on a loving face, for it will, if possible, betray me as it did my Master, with a kiss.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
Nothing but the infinite can ever satisfy me; I am such a great sinner that I must have infinite merit to wash my sin away;" but we have had our sin removed, and found that there was merit to spare; we have had our hunger relieved at the feast of sacred love
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
Purify our minds that we may be "first pure, then peaceable," and fortify our souls, that our peaceableness may not lead us into cowardice and despair, when for Thy sake we are persecuted.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
Down deep in His innermost soul Christ carried an inexhaustible treasury of refined and heavenly joy.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
Being self-owned is a state of mind.
— Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder
Blessing and obedience do comfortably and mysteriously coexist.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
In Martin Luther's life and behavior is very courteous and friendly, and there is nothing of the stern stoic or grumpy fellow about him. He can adjust to all occasions. In social gathering he is gay, witty, ever full of joy, always has a bright and happy face, no matter how seriously his adversaries threatening him. One can see that God's strength is within him. – Petrus Mosellanus
— Andrew Pettegree, Brand Luther: How an Unheralded Monk Turned His Small Town into a Center of Publishing, Made Himself the Most Famous Man in Europe—and Started the Protestant Reformation
Holy desire can be learned. All prayer is part work and part rest.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
Kingdom is a signpost to the holy.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
Our small group is committed to getting the biblical text under our skin.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
After her initial conversion as a teenager, the author writes, "I was sent back into a world that no longer looked familiar to me. I had to relearn how to do everything.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
Just do the right thing for the next 15 minutes." And Dugger's guideline for dealing with infidelity and transition one step at a time.
— Counting on
I didn't know how faith felt when it grew incrementally.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
God is the I AM that I AM not the I AM that we wish.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
Struggle is a prerequisite to surrender.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
According to Aquinas, effort may not be the best measure of our virtue.
— Jen Pollock Michel, Teach Us to Want: Longing, Ambition & the Life of Faith
Like many men who experience fatherhood relatively late in life, Martin Luther was a devoted parent. Luther wrote his children letters of touching intensity, patiently converting the joys of the Christian life into a language of storytelling fit for the very young. A home with children brought out the best in Luther in a way that theological disputation patently did not.
— Andrew Pettegree, Brand Luther: How an Unheralded Monk Turned His Small Town into a Center of Publishing, Made Himself the Most Famous Man in Europe—and Started the Protestant Reformation
I experienced the Church to be this refuge within and beyond myself.
— James Finley, Meditation for Christians: Entering the Mind of Christ
He was the perfect soldier: he went where you sent him, and stayed where you put him, and had no idea of his own to keep him from doing exactly what you told him.
— Dashiell Hammett
Images of the Holy easily become holy images -- sacrosanct. My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks His presence? The Incarnation is the supreme example
—  it leads all previous idea of the Messiah in ruins.
I had rather have God for my banker than all the Rothschilds.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
The author cites researcher David Howard's idea of post-traumatic growth. Howard contends that some individuals faced with a traumatic event actually develop new strength.
— Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder
Humility is the earmark of God's genuine servant.
— Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ
We need heroes who'll inspire us so that maybe next time we'll dig a little deeper and find our best self.
— Madam Secretary
So highly revered was commingle, that the Jews called him "the beauty of the Law".
— Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ
Advice to young Samuel Gompers that might apply in many other areas: "Learn from socialism, but don't join it.
— Barbara W. Tuchman, The Proud Tower: A Portrait of the World Before the War, 1890-1914
Someone suddenly had direct, unabashed access to my heart.
— Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ
Dost thou want another eye beside that of Him who sees every secret thing?
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
He believed interim reforms were necessary in order to fix the worker for his destiny.
— Barbara W. Tuchman, The Proud Tower: A Portrait of the World Before the War, 1890-1914
Try to resist copying a blueprint from another person's ministry.
— Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ
Even though Paul knew farewells were inevitable, he still formed deep relationships.
— Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ
Salvation is a gift. Godliness is the pursuit.
— Beth Moore, To Live Is Christ
Almightiness and wisdom combined will make no failures.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
The affair made men feel larger than life.
— Barbara W. Tuchman, The Proud Tower: A Portrait of the World Before the War, 1890-1914
God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out air-quality. He knew it already. It was I who did. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the day all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize that fact was to knock it down.
— C.S. Lewis
Obedience appears to me more and more the whole business of life, the only road to love and peace.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
Fidelity in marriage requires self-will and self-denial.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
Shame and suffering, as St. Bernard says, are the two ladder-uprights which are set up to heaven, and between those two uprights are the rungs of all virtues fixed, by which one climbs to the joy of heaven… In these two things, in which is all penance, rejoice and be glad, for in return for these, twofold blisses are prepared: in return for shame honour; in return for suffering, delight and rest without end.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
A Christian's duty, Lewis believed, is not simply to tolerate "X" but to make life with "X" an occasion to work on one's own character flaws.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
It's not easy being a missionary, even with the key to the cosmos in your hand.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
The teacher-student relationship evaporated, replaced by a rich and lively exchange of equals.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
He would henceforth worship and defend the very reason for Joy, the Almighty Maker of Joy.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
Almost anything at all can be transmuted into a labyrinth.
— Harold Bloom, The Western Canon: The Books and School of the Ages
Lewis spoke for almost every member when he said, "There is no sound I like better than adult male laughter.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
The speaker says one of the blessings of the family of God is that the enthusiasm of children influences their elders while experience seasons the younger members.
— Matt      Chandler
A writer at the time said, "Lincoln means to sink the man in the public officer.
— Harold Holzer, Lincoln and the Power of the Press: The War for Public Opinion
Pandering candidates often promise that they can make the pain go away.
— Gail Collins
A faithful dependent, I overlook his folly.
— Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Christ loved the sons of men before there were sons of men, and me before there was me. If he was going to get tired of me, he would have done so before now.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version
It is impossible to read this opening paragraph without an involuntary feeling of religious awe
—  it breathed the very savor of Gospel antiquity. The sincerity of the author heightens his power of language.
A philosophy that cannot be lived is no philosophy at all.
— Philip Zaleski, The Fellowship: The Literary Lives of the Inklings: J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams
God trains His soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers, and climb mountains, and walk many a long mile with heavy knapsacks of sorrow on their backs.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, Based on the English Standard Version