c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Stop your idiocy, Sandra, please. For once in your death.
— Lauren Oliver, Rooms
Well, I’m heading home,” Ibaraki announced as they were leaving the restaurant.“Oh, yeah? About time,” Yuichi commented.Ibaraki: “Man, you’re so cold. Aren’t you picking up my love beams?”“Sorry, Yu, but I’m not into BL! I hope you’ll consider a pure and true hetero relationship!” Mutsuko said cheerfully.Yuichi took a conspicuous step back.Ibaraki: "Huh? Hey, don’t take that seriously!
— Tsuyoshi Fujitaka, My Big Sister Lives in a Fantasy World: The World's Strongest Little Brother?!
Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive," that's your cue.
— Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor
How is it you can talk so nicely?' Alice said, hoping to get it into a better temper by a compliment. 'I've been in many gardens before, but none of the flowers could talk.''Put your hand down, and feel the ground,' said the Tiger-lily. 'Then you'll know why.'Alice did so. 'It's very hard,' she said, 'but I don't see what that has to do with it.''In most gardens,' the Tiger-lily said, 'they make the beds too soft - so that the flowers are always asleep.
— Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
Tria finally slumped to the ground “I swear I'm sick of falling into pits and swamps...” “Hey, upside is you're not dead yet so win win.” Ingra said cheerfully.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, PUTSCH. Volume I
If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.
— Jennifer Saunders, Bonkers: My Life in Laughs
Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?''There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for?''But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked.'It could bark,' said the Rose.
— Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?'Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it.'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.''But it may rain outside?''It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise.
— Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
Yes, we will marry you!” she exclaimed.
— Abbi Glines, The Best Goodbye
I don't write comedy. I write drama that's funny.
— Gregor Collins, The Accidental Caregiver: How I Met, Loved, and Lost Legendary Holocaust Refugee Maria Altmann
Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.
— Zakes Mda, Ways of Dying
If by fawning, you mean he’s a deer, I have a gun, and it’s hunting season, then I guess you’re right.
— Sage Kafsky
And Tria this is Vilenthe.” Tria just stares before collapsing onto the floor Ingra looks down “She'll be fine.” Vilenthe scowls “She has seen me before. Many years ago before I was selected for the 11th Tournament, she must've forgotten about that but we have met before.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, JACQUERIE. Volume II
I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, "Nice tits." Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, "Suck my dick.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
I just looked at the calendar and realized- my days are numbered
— Johnny Moscato
Time heals all wounds. Unless they're infected. Like gangrene. That shit'll kill you.
— Johnny Moscato
Theater owners dodged construction costs, cutting corners and employing nonunion labor. Shoddy methods caused the death of vaudeville comedian Rube Dickinson in Kansas City. Booked at a brand-new venue, Dickinson stepped outside to have a smoke and was standing underneath the large wooden marquee advertising him when it collapsed. As the marquee caved, so too did his head—killed under the weight of his own name.
— Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy
The Mob essentially created the term 'stand-up comic'—according to eighty-six-year-old comedian Dick Curtis: 'The Outfit used to manage fighters. A stand-up fighter is a guy that is a puncher. A stand-up guy was a guy who was tough and you could depend on. The Outfit managed fighters and they managed clubs that booked comics, so the term found its way into the lexicon of nightclubs. A guy who just stood there and punched jokes—joke, joke, joke—he was a stand-up comic.
— Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy
Every night was improv.
— Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy
I notice being noticed immediately – I’m a freeway goddess! In the past five minutes of gridlock, I have been checked out by a bald man in convertible Mustang, a cowboy in an F-150, and a body-builder in a Lincoln Navigator. Watch out road warriors! I don’t want to be responsible for any accidents. If only I had a car decal that advertised: Available – if you meet my eligibility criteria!
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It’s not very late, but I don’t want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I’ve stopped looking as I walk past, but it’s difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment’s notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement.
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he’ll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it.
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
I took a couple steps away from him and stopped in front of a framed colored poster of Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable from the movie Gone with the Wind. I studied the pair, Gable with his mysterious mustache and Leigh in her red ball gown. I’d become a fan of the classic, partially because of my mother’s suggestion that I looked a lot like a younger Vivien Leigh, with my dark wavy hair and sea green eyes. And as usual, I’d believed her for a little while.
— J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic
I got home a little after seven, but didn’t feel hungry. Instead, I crawled into my pajamas and pulled out my Jimmy Stewart movie It’s a Wonderful Life. I fixed myself a cup of herbal tea and settled in for the night. Normally, I’d save such a classic movie for the holidays, when I tended to feel sorry for myself, but today’s need felt urgent. If Jimmy was able to accept that he had a wonderful life, maybe I could, too.
— J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic
My mother had tried to fool me into thinking I was a natural beauty, and I’d believed her for a little while, that is, until I moved to the land of beautiful people.
— J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic
My life was full of drama, with the highs and lows of Tyler’s daily mood swings and my private innuendos with Vandenberg. There’d never been a movie made that could permanently shift my mood away from my disappointment with myself.
— J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic
I could feel the spring in my step as I walked up one flight of stairs from the parking garage into the company’s lobby. Although I wore my old blue suit, a remnant of all my previous job interviews, I felt the day had new possibilities. After all, I was interviewing at a company that made something I loved – movies!
— J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic
Keep still!” Tria was parsistantly kicking back and it seemed to be working “Ow!” “You three are a resistant bunch aren't you...” The man said angrily “No really how long did it take you to work that out.” Agres replied sarcastically
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, PUTSCH. Volume I
So nice to be stuck up here again, wouldn't you agree Agres.” “Not really no.” Agres replied “Day three is it” Agres nodded they where huddled up behind a rock as the cold wind blew around their small fire “I didn't really miss being stuck up here did you?” “I bet Tria, you'd rather be stuck in a swamp again wouldn't you?”“Actually I'd gladly take being stuck in a swamp over being stranded on a cold mountain any day. You hear that Dilmore!
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, PUTSCH. Volume I
It's far too easy to forget, miss or not appreciate the tiny things a partner does every single day, but should you wait until it's over or they've gone to miss who they were?
— James Perrin, The Occasional Swearing Of Hitched Perrin
OTHER lives may find their happiest moments infiltrated with tragedy, and their proudest touched with comedy. This had almost invariably been true of mine. My proudest hour found me, the newly elected president of the United Nations, perched atop three thick New York City telephone books given me in lieu of a cushion that I might see and be seen by the delegates below the podium.
— Carlos P. Romulo, I Walked with Heroes
This should be fun see how much we can annoy them this time.” “Annoy is such a harsh word...” Tria teased.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
Agres!” she hissed again even louder this time “WHAT!” Tria smiled “Oh good you are alive.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
So what have I missed.” Ingra asked Javal “Not much but hey I managed to reach your friend in Islette so all's good.” Javal sounded nervous but why would he be nervous?
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
Agres look!” Tria pointed Agres looked around “Very clever....” cheeky bastard Tria and Agres now found themselves back on a mountain top oh on not again
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
And Dilmore seems to be ignoring us again.” Tria says
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
It took us a stupid amount of time but we did it.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
Welp I'm fucked, how am I meant to do that?! “Dilmore?
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
This doesn't feel right Agres...” Tria whispered “Nonsense!” Agres replied.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler
Seventy-five percent of the time when I'm ordering my "almond milk matcha latte with no sugar added, lukewarm, please," I'll be recognized by an employee. And yes, my order is a pin in the ass, but I'm determined to enjoy the liquid indulgences of modern life. Might as well take advantage of it all before the zombie apocalypse. I have no practical skills; I'm fully aware that I'll be one of the first ones "turned." Instead of learning motorcycle repair or something else disaster-scenario useful, I'll order the drink I want until I become a shambling corpse.AND I WON'T BE DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT, OKAY?
— Felicia Day, You're Never Weird on the Internet
When the occasional stranger approaches me at a party to say, "Hey, you're Felicia Day. Let's talk about that comic book you were tweeting about last week!" it's the greatest thing in the world. Because it saves me from having to stand in the corner awkwardly, drinking all the Sprite, and then leaving after ten minutes without saying good-bye to my host.
— Felicia Day, You're Never Weird on the Internet
No small part of the club's audience consisted of would-be comics, as well as the leading comics of the day. In fact, there were so many gagsters around that it was difficult to know who was part of the act and who was just sitting in.
— Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy
Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
— Homer Simpson
I never watch comedies they suck if something sucks it sucks there isn't doubt about it.
— Deyth Banger
A life like this develops the comedy sense. You can't play tragedy while you're living it.
— Edna Ferber, Gigolo
I wanted to join Footlights,” he says. “I wanted to be a writer-performer like the Pythons. In fact I wanted to be John Cleese and it took me some time to realise that the job was in fact taken.
— Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
The best comedy on earth shows up when an immoral person talks about the morals!
— Mehmet Murat ildan
My grandad always said, "You should never judge a book by its cover." And it's for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.
— Stewart Lee
They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.
— Karl French
I still ask myself why did you watched the film Paranormal Activity the all parts or the film "The VIsit" 2015. Both were home made and not big deal even stupid, you even watch football + you play one game over and over and over, you play stupid games + you watch stupid stuff and after all you still ask yourself why you are stupid. The answer is somewhere here, search it!
— Deyth Banger
You’d be impatient and that’s understandable, but if you were making too much noise, I’d find something better for that big sweet mouth to do.
— Eve Dangerfield, Locked Box
My comebacks aren't nearly as sharp as my shiv. Come inside and I'll show you.
— Cassia Leo, Anti-Romance
How can you love someone who doesn't think they deserve to be loved?
— Cassia Leo, Anti-Romance
Are you going to give her gonorrhea too, or was that gift just for me?
— Cassia Leo, Anti-Romance
Tiberius sparred, “Mr. Monogamy doesn’t find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I’d have to chuck it all and join a monastery.” Thorne sparred, “You’d never be able to stop talking long enough.” Frost laughed, “He’d light on fire as soon as he stepped through the gate.” 	“Right alongside of you,” Tiberius said, patting Frost’s shoulder. 	“Touché,” Frost chuckled. “You do have me there.
— Kim Cormack
Mr. Monogamy doesn’t find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I’d have to chuck it all and join a monastery.
— Kim Cormack, Enlightenment
Don't go a-hunting for a moose where there ain't no moose to hunt.
— Richard E McCallum
Them Frenchies!’ ‘Unchristian, that’s what I call ’em,’ responded Mr. Stubbs severely. ‘I fair compassionate that wench.
— Georgette Heyer, The Talisman Ring
He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.
— Georgette Heyer, The Talisman Ring
The people who are scared of ghosts are the ones who discuss most about them.
— Abhishek Krishnan, Clouds Don't Pass
Caution: Danger ahead. Do not refer to Adriana as little in regards to either her age or stature. If you happen to disregard this most basic of laws, approach with caution. Much, much caution.
— Gina Marinello-Sweeney, The Rose and the Sword
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,
— Zach Galifianakis
Laughter is the only free emotion - the only one that can't be compelled. We can be made to fear. We can even be made to believe we're in love because, if we're kept dependent and isolated for long enough, we bond in order to survive. But laughter explodes like an aha! It comes when the punch line changes everything that has gone before, when two opposites collide and make a third and when we suddenly see a new reality...laughter is an orgasm of the mind.
— Gloria Steinem, My Life on the Road
On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)
— Jane Dentinger
Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.Fozzie: Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.[drives past a giant fork]Fozzie: Kermit!Kermit: I don't believe that.
— The Muppet Movie (1979)
Human Millipede 6 was the highest-grossing movie of the summer and returned Nicholas Cage to Oscar-winning status.
— C.Z. Hazard, Not In The Eye
This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.
— Erin Mitchell
This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)
— Erin Mitchell
The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)
— Elaine Kagan
We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.
— Tyler Barton, "Ten Things I Learned Since College" Songs of my Selfie
At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.
— Stephanie Bramson, "Becoming John Doe" Songs of my Selfie
The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
— Warren Moore
Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.
— The Muppets (2011)
He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.
— Tiffany Ferentini, "Glitter and Glue" Songs of my Selfie
Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out![covers the mole]Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit![Fozzie uncovers the mole]Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?
— Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!
— Jo Ann Yhard, The Fossil Hunter of Sydney Mines
Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.
— Carolyn Drake, "Pill Pusher" Songs of my Selfie
I know exactly what Clarissa is talking about. We have all been concerned about Brenda for a few weeks now. Most days she’s fine, but on the odd occasion, she’s behaving totally out of character. “I’m going to go now, I will leave you in peace,” she says about to hang up.“Clarissa?” I ask, making sure she’s still on the line.“I’m still here,” she says confirming.“It’s best to be honest with people, right?” I know that if my dear friend, one of my oldest friends is to offer me advice when I need it, then I should listen to what she has to say. I know that by asking her opinion, she will always tell me the truth. She will always steer me in the right direction and she would never lie to me.“Always,” she simply replies. “Goodnight sweetheart, see you in the morning.
— J.A. Heron, GirlsQuad
Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.
— Brett Bacon, The President's Neighbor
Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.
— Ifra Asad, "The Ostrich Effect" Songs of my Selfie
I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do, because I might learn something. Henri Marcel - French Artist in Marriage, A Journey and A Dog.
— Brenda H Sedgwick
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.
— Bill Hicks
Only in California could the night air be lit not by fireflies, but radioactive porn star cumshots.
— C.Z. Hazard
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
— Hugh Wilson, WKRP In Cincinnati
If ye wear underwear, it's a skirt. If ye dinna, it's a kilt.
— Vonnie Davis, Bearing It All
Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady,” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.
— Ed Lynskey, Sweet Betsy
You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.
— S.A. Tawks, Misadventurous
Judith (sadly): A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts!
— Noel Coward  Sir
As for the committable comment, all geniuses are nuts, Heather, my patients appreciate it.
— B.R. Maycock, It Started With A Snub
The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.
— Edward Harris
Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.
— Cornelius J., The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's "Secret Weapon"
The people who establish the laws, acts, and regulations already did the tedious work; the rest of the process is just putting the “Credit Acts into Action.” - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.
— Cornelius J., The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's "Secret Weapon"
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
— Terry Pratchett
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
— Groucho Marx
In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.
— Neetesh Dixit
You know... the word "homeless", gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo... it's no good. It's too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It's just not politically correct enough... If it were up to me, I'd rather we be called "residentially challenged
— Nobuyuki Fukumoto, Saikyō Densetsu Kurosawa 9
Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.
— Zack Love, Sex in the Title: A Comedy about Dating, Sex, and Romance in NYC
How do i do this?
— Jim Butcher
The human race has the capacity to render itself extinct unless alternatives are found to the patterns of intraspecific warfare that have dominated civilized history. Ours has long been a predatory species. Living, for humans, depends upon the ability to kill as clearly as it does for lions or wolves. But lions and wolves, like almost all predatory species, normally limit their killing to prey animals, and they are equipped with elaborate ritual precautions to prevent the destruction of their own kind. Humans appear to be unique among predators in their enthusiasm to destroy members of their own species. Perhaps this unusual behavior can be attributed to some genetic deficiency which may lead humans ultimately to join the rest of nature's failures in the biological graveyard of extinction. Or perhaps our willingness to kill ourselves, like so many of our other problems, is something we have devised by misusing our enlarged brains.
— Joseph W. Meeker
Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police, whom, he is sure, will be glad to have them back.
— Molly Meadows, Welcome to Acme
The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scumbag Thieves,If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver’s seat with this message:Here’s $500. It’s the best we can do until the holidays.P.S. Get some decent tires, why don’t you. We couldn’t sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them.
— Molly Meadows
Laughter is a whip that keeps us in line. It's horrible to be laughed at against your will. Either you suppress unwelcome laughter or you start controlling it.
— Keith Johnstone
Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred! ::pauses::I'm not taking any fuckin' chances!::swigs his beer::
— Lee Mack
Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.
— Cornelius J., The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's "Secret Weapon"
Invalidating a woman’s life choices by saying things like, “Oh, but you’ll regret it if you don’t have kids,” or, “I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley.
— Jen Kirkman, I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.
— Brandon Sanderson, Firefight
I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.
— Jen Kirkman, I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweetThat the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,Made to write “whore” upon?
— William Shakespeare, Othello
Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.
— G.G. Silverman, Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress
Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.'Give her air!'So had the bell-boy.'Slap her hands!'Lord Tidmouth went further.'Sit on her head!' he advised.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Doctor Sally
I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I’ve just written the word ‘chops’. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?
— Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Ahab
You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Daughter
If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She isn't well.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Doctor Sally
Excuse me, I must go and putt
— P.G. Wodehouse, Doctor Sally
Morning, Bill,' said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.'Go to hell!' said Bill.'Right-ho,' said his lordship.
— P.G. Wodehouse
When you can't make it, just fake it
— Suraj Dutta
If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course - that would be disgusting. I wouldn’t envy the man who had to clean up a pair of popped eyes, especially given the state of this deck. I’m not sure we even have any cleaning products that work for popped eyes, although I suppose a general viscera cleaner would do the trick.
— Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Romantics
Laughter is the best medicine
— Chase Soundly
So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody worse.
— Dave Gorman
So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a fucking weirdo.
— Jen Kirkman, I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids
Why would a comediotic guy like Buzz Aldrin worry about who said what first? He was on the %$#@!+-oon!
— Ray Palla
A life without trouble and tragedy is boring and not a plot for comedy.
— Debasish Mridha
Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you're not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your show. 'She's a comedian? She's not that funny!' It's unfair 'cause when cardio surgeon friends say they cut chests open and hold hearts in their hands, everyone just takes their word for it.
— Judy Balan
CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.
— William Shakespeare, Othello
If she did bitch-slap me, I'd bitch-slap her right back, but I resented the word bitch and all its familiar forms, as it was degrading to women and dogs everywhere.
— G.G. Silverman, Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress
Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I've decided to go with L-Board Mom. I may look like I don't know what I'm doing but you want to keep safe distance 'cause you know I can hurt you and get away with it.
— Judy Balan
I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in 'Vrski' and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don't be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don't you love the purring sound it makes in your mouth? It's the kind of name I love waking up to every morning - 'Good morning, BlahBlahVrski', the kind I can brag about on Facebook - 'Judy Balan has now changed her name to Judy SomethingVrski' and the kind I can scream in a fit of passion - 'Ohhhhh Vrrrrssskkkkiiiii!
— Judy Balan
Listen to Understand. Not to Reply!!!!
— Joker The Dark Knight.
Does talking to yourself in the voice of your fictional character count as being social?
— Michelle M. Pillow
I love therapy. I don't get the taboo about seeking therapy at all. It's exactly like taking Buzzfeed quizzes. At the end of the day, we all want to know what cocktail we are. But it means so much more when it comes from a shrink. It's like 'Ooh, I really am Liquid Cocaine!
— Judy Balan
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
— Josh Stern, And That's Why I'm Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
I went in there only once, as a sane man, and I came out...well, I came out like this. But you, once you come out of there, you'll be a king!
— Pagan Min
IF A THING IS WORTH HAVING, ITS WORTH CHEATING FOR.
— W.C.Fields
This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
— Dave Barry
When you keep a secret from your parents, you're not trying to protect yourself. It's because you're trying to protect them.
— Judy Balan, Sophie Says
Who decided it's a phobia in the first place? What if I just don't want to get married ever. Just like I don't want to live in Jharkhand ever. Somehow I can say that as loud as I want and as many times as I want, yet nobody will ask me to see the shrink about my Jharkhand phobia. Why?
— Judy Balan, Sophie Says
And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach" Ryan says before we can be introduced. "I'm a big fan of your work" he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I like his voice. It's not a deep Charlton Heston-like voice, but it has just the right amount of husky in it.
— Judy Balan, Sophie Says
I blame Chennai. Pointless neighbourhood gossip travels faster than tsunami alerts around here. I know that aunties are a universal problem but this city is particularly aunty dominated. And by that, I mean, even many of our twenty-somethings act like aunties. Forgive the rant. Maybe I've lived here too long (and have therefore outgrown it) but I sincerely believe that Chennai has no business being called a metro. I mean, if a thirty-year-old single woman living alone while her parents are in the same city, is still such hot news, then maybe we need to graciously give up our metro status to someone more deserving. And since we have no qualms about lagging so far behind the times, maybe we should call ourselves retro.
— Judy Balan, Sophie Says
Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. 'So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.' With a tombstone next to it.
— Judy Balan, Sophie Says
Smile, it’s the second best thing youcan do with your lips.
— ADESH RANJAN
He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.
— Robyn Peterman, Cop a Feel
Love? Love is for children and poor people...
— Molly Harper, Better Homes and Hauntings
Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.
— Stephanie Perkins, Isla and the Happily Ever After
I shall now express my utter disgust and anger with you through the piano.
— Akira Sasanuma
JACKYou're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.GWENDOLENOh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Driving is boring," Rabbit pontificates, "but it's what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.
— John Updike, Rabbit at Rest
He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes.
— George Grossmith, The Diary of a Nobody
here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our survival—in the delaying of death and the staying of the curse. Comedies tell the story of ruined folk somehow avoiding ruin.
— Melissa Schubert
I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children--died from malnutrition--and, now, she's afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate'. ... Who's going to step in and say...'kick her in the cunt 'til it doesn't work', 'that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!'. ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... 'what? this one's not working... oh, well let's try again', one after another. At what point do you not go 'I think this is bad'? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin' kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! that's sick!
— Doug Stanhope
Is your name even David?' I asked as I yanked my panties back on.'Is yours Melanie?' he inquired, buttoning his jeans.'I asked first,' I countered, wondering for the umpteenth time why being an idiot came so easily to me.
— Robyn Peterman, Cop a Feel
If God gives you a hundred bucks, you better bet He’s going to ask you what you bought.
— Geoffrey Wood, Leaper: The Misadventures of a Not-Necessarily-Super Hero
Your full of yourself.""Duhh... genetics man.
— Savanna Robins
Laughter and enjoyment is the key to Entertainment.
— IvoryjTaylor
Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.
— gaurav rao
Outwardly, I hope, I wear my usual mask of detachment, even irony, for there has never been a situation,however dire, even this one, that did not strike me as containing at least some element of the human comedy.
— Robert   Harris, An Officer and a Spy
I am a playwright who does not write comedies, or tragedies.
— Steven L. Sheppard
Why is it that drama always starts late? Whereas comedy always seems to have started already.
— César Aira, How I Became a Nun
At times like these, size really does matter," I point out, at I extend my ginormous umbrella over her in a way that stops any rain droplets from falling on her.My Best Valentine's Day Ever, A Short Story by Zack Love
— Zack Love, Stories and Scripts: an Anthology
You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.
— H.M. Ward, The Wedding Contract
Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.
— Carla H. Krueger, From the Horse’s Mouth
And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll"-Kaname Kuran"I DONT WANT IT!"-Zero Kiryu"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"-Juri Elizabeth Marin
— Matsuri Hino
I'm so out of shape I take steroids just to watch sports.
— Randy Kagan
He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.
— Kristen Ashley, Rock Chick Renegade
It’s like George always says: being in a rock ʼn’ roll band is very sexy, even when you’re only the keyboard player and your idea of the perfect Saturday night actually amounts to a bubble bath, a Richard Curtis boxset and a seafood linguine.
— Christopher    Russell, Mockstars
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.
— Anonymous
I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.
— Randy Kagan
My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.
— Randy Kagan
There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.
— H.M. Ward, Collide
My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.
— Randy Kagan
When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.
— Sol Luckman, Beginner's Luke
You don’t have to want to be in arelationship for a little bow-chicka-bow-wow.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Wait for You
Duct tape can't fix stupid," Bas growled. "Maybe not," Red replied, "but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.
— T.  Hammond, Color Blind
I loved Monty Python for the wordplay--this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny.
— George Saunders
He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.
— Jackson Radcliffe, The Yoga Sutras
Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.
— Sol Luckman, Beginner's Luke
Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.
— Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan
If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....
— John Branyan
He had a body that begged to be painted…with chocolate.
— L.G.A. McIntyre
Aye lass,” nodded Gizurr, “you are quite the beauty for sure. I’d certainly offer to buy you a beer or two if I ever met you in a pub and that’s a fact.”Ragni tutted and elbowed Gizurr in the ribs, “Have some respect, she looks young enough to be your daughter.”“Well she isn’t is she?” snorted Gizurr, “She’s been trapped here for over two thousand years, made to think that she’s an ugly old bird and fooled by some arse wipe into protecting a lump of rock that is perfectly capable of looking after itself.”Ragni pursed his lips and nodded slowly in agreement.
— Jake Adler, The Dragon's Cup
Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
— Jackson Radcliffe, The Yoga Sutras
lol christine lyf
— twelvie gang
Comedy, of course, lives for serious moments.
— Glen Duncan, By Blood We Live
She deliberated too much afore making decisions; he acted on instinct. He liked Oreos, she preferred pasta worms.
— Sandra Hill, The Last Viking
I asked you a question. What are you doing here?"Resting his elbows on the side of the tub, he smiled lazily. She hated it when he smiled lazily. "Waiting for the bubbles to evaporate," he said.
— Sandra Hill, The Last Viking
I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
— Woody Allen, Manhattan
What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Finale
I try to never miss the Zumba class since I believe comedy is a great way to start your week....It was great fun, although I had to hold myself back from turning it into a giant mosh pit slam dance. Last time I did that they kicked me out for a month. Today I enjoyed watching an 80 year old lady - with a cane no less - shimmy, her boobs flying like weapons around her waist.
— Debra Dunbar, A Demon Bound
Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right.
— Aristophanes, Acharnians/Knights
Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.
— Jackson Radcliffe, The Yoga Sutras
When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.
— Heather  Hill
Was that tragedy? Or was that comedy? Was there really any difference?
— Orson Scott Card, Enchantment
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
— Josh Stern, And That's Why I'm Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
You two have just reached the level of annoyingly cute.
— Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
— Josh Stern, And That's Why I'm Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached?
Percy, you are dismissed from my service.""Me? Why, my lord?""Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too.
— Richard Curtis, Blackadder: The Whole Damn Dynasty, 1485-1917
I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.
— Sol Luckman, Beginner's Luke
The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.
— Richard Curtis, Blackadder: The Whole Damn Dynasty, 1485-1917
Death is complicated."-Johann Kraus
— John Arcudi, B.P.R.D., Vol. 6: The Universal Machine
I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!
— Richard Curtis, Blackadder: The Whole Damn Dynasty, 1485-1917
According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.
— Chuck Lorre
The truth is what we say it is...prove to me this desk is not a cow!
— Ray S. Jones
Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s also the owner of the world’s largest collection of tenor geese.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.
— St. John Morris
Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller’s rices and I told her. That’s for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.
— St. John Morris
Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.
— St. John Morris, The Bizarre Letters of St John Morris
There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.
— St. John Morris
Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.
— St. John Morris