c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Do your thing and don't care if they like it.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
— Winston S. Churchill
Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. "I can't believe you did it!" she exclaimed. "How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?""Traded him for Alec," Clary said.Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. "Not permanently?""No," said Jace. "Just for a few hours. Unless I don't come back," he added thoughtfully. "In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy."Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out.""That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Simon inquired. "No, probably not.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
— Arthur Conan Doyle
Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
— George Carlin
You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?
— Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
— Mark Twain
Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
I'm not going to wear a red dress," she said."It would look stunning, My Lady," she called.She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. "If there's anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I'll hit him in the face.
— Kristin Cashore, Graceling
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
— George Carlin
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
— Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
Why were you lurking under our window?""Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?""Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage."Listening to the news! Again?""Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
What are all these?" Clary asked."Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades," Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, "electrum wire - not much use at the moment but it's always good to have spares - silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-""Jesus," said Clary"I doubt he'd fit.""Jace." Clary was appalled.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.
— Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important.""It was probably important to her.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
— Bill Watterson
You possess other people's...bodies."He accepted that statement with a nod."Do you want to possess my body?""I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
So when the moon's only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?" "You could say that.""Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.""I'm a werewolf, not a golden retriever.
— Cassandra Clare
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
— Groucho Marx
Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.
— Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones
The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.
— Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.
— Dr. Seuss
I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
— Madonna
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
— George Carlin
Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?""I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs
I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
— Dorothy Parker
In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.
— Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse
It is forbidden to kill
—  therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!
— Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
It's not gray," Clary felt compelled to point out. "It's green.""If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood," said Jace.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
— Christopher Paolini
Must you go? I was rather hoping you'd stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.""I'll stay," Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. "I can minister angelically.""None too convincingly. And you're not as pretty to look at as Tessa is," Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow."How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun."Jem still had his eyes closed. "If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren't wrong.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.""Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.""Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred.""A god named Fred?
— Rick Riordan
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
— Neil Gaiman
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
— Mae West
You're an idiot.""I've never claimed to be otherwise.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
— Orson Welles
I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.
— Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good book tells you there's a pink house and lets you paint some of the finishing touches, maybe choose the roof style,park your own car out front. My imagination has always topped anything a movie could come up with. Case in point, those darned Harry Potter movies. That was so not what that part-Veela-chick, Fleur Delacour, looked like.
— Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
— Dorothy Parker
Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
— Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. "You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
— George Bernard Shaw
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
— Phyllis Diller
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
— Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.
— Nikolai Gogol
My rapier wit hides my inner pain.
— Cassandra Clare
Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
— Charles Lamb
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
— Oscar Wilde
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
— Albert Einstein
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.
— Steve Martin
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
— Robert Frost
Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. "Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.""Canoodle?" repeated Clary, never having heard the word before."Magnificent?" repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like "Get out.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?""Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?""Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow...""I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
— George Carlin
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
— Mark Twain
I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?"Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
— Pat  Monahan
Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it." Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?" "I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it." "But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
What's up?" I asked.You tell me," he said. "You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian."It was an experiment," I said. "It was part of my therapy."What the hell kind of therapy are you in?
— Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
— Oscar Wilde
Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
— Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
— Sheng Wang
You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.
— Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?""They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer."And what is hell? Can you tell me that?""A pit full of fire.""And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?""No, sir.""What must you do to avoid it?"I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron King
Can you surf really well, then?"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh."Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)
— Rick Riordan
Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
— Zig Ziglar, Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World
Moths," repeats Will. "You're afraid of moths?" "Not just a cloud of moths," she says, "like...a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and..." She shudders and shakes her head."Terrifying," Will says with mock seriousness. "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls.""Oh, Shut up.
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
— Mae West
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
— Groucho Marx
It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.
— Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now.""I was going to watch Project Runway.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
— Ellen DeGeneres
Humor is reason gone mad.
— Groucho Marx
But-" Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at - and stared.Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people - Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike - were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth.Maia looked perplexed. "Wait a second," she said. "Do we all have to do that, too?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred."Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?""Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?""I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
No good deed goes unpunished.
— Oscar Wilde
People, generally, suck.
— Christopher Moore, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
— Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.
— Lemony Snicket
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin Williams
There's no need to clarify my finger snap," said Magnus. "The implication was clear in the snap itself.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
— Mark Twain
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
— Isaac Asimov
Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there."Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
— Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
— George Carlin
He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.“Green grass breaks through snow.	Artemis pleads for my help.	He grinned at us, waiting for applause.	"That last line was four syllables.” Artemis said.	Apollo frowned. “Was it?”	“No, no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.
— Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse
I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
— Matt Groening
Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.
— Gertrude Stein
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.
— Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life
Puns are the highest form of literature.
— Alfred Hitchcock
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
— George Carlin
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
— Howard Nemerov
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
— Robert Benchley
It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.
— Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence
—  then success is sure.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune
—  to lose both looks like carelessness.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
— H.L. Mencken
As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.
— John Green, Paper Towns
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
— Oscar Wilde
It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.
— Rick Riordan
Are you always a smartass?'Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
— Flannery O'Connor
I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.
— Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.
— Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.
— Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.
— Oscar Wilde
I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
— Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn
People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
— Christopher Paolini, Eragon
It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it.
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
So what? All writers are lunatics!
— Cornelia Funke, Inkspell
I guess it’s true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches.""That’s atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.
— Cassandra Clare
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
— George Carlin
To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
— Woody Allen
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
— Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If it has, it’s safe to look into its eyes, although if it really is You-Know-Who, that’s still likely to be the last thing you ever do.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you...""Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)
— Richelle Mead, Bloodlines
A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.
— Carolyn G. Heilbrun
Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
— James Patterson, The Angel Experiment
When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles......they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.
— Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks
She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.
— Stephen King, The Stand
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
— Mark Twain
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course
— Marilyn Monroe
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
— Steven Moffat
The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."Said the old man, "I do that too."The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."I do that too," laughed the little old man.Said the little boy, "I often cry."The old man nodded, "So do I."But worst of all," said the boy, "it seemsGrown-ups don't pay attention to me."And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.I know what you mean," said the little old man.
— Shel Silverstein
I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
— Lady Gaga
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
— Garrison Keillor
We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?""Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-""SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!""Sure it is. You just don't see the humor.""Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Sections in the bookstore- Books You Haven't Read- Books You Needn't Read- Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading- Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read Before Being Written- Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered- Books You Mean to Read But There Are Others You Must Read First- Books Too Expensive Now and You'll Wait 'Til They're Remaindered- Books ditto When They Come Out in Paperback- Books You Can Borrow from Somebody- Books That Everybody's Read So It's As If You Had Read Them, Too- Books You've Been Planning to Read for Ages- Books You've Been Hunting for Years Without Success- Books Dealing with Something You're Working on at the Moment- Books You Want to Own So They'll Be Handy Just in Case- Books You Could Put Aside Maybe to Read This Summer- Books You Need to Go with Other Books on Your Shelves- Books That Fill You with Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified- Books Read Long Ago Which It's Now Time to Re-read- Books You've Always Pretended to Have Read and Now It's Time to Sit Down and Really Read Them
— Italo Calvino, If on a Winter's Night a Traveler
You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes."Hmm?""If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."Dimitri laughted. "Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe.""Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade." Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station."Hey! This isn't what I had in mind," I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again."Pick. It's one or the other."I sighed. "Go back to the 1980s stuff."He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio.
— Richelle Mead, Frostbite
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?""What?""Oh, you'd like something simpler?
— Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are." The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes."Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow."Fuck you," said the raven.
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods
Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron King
I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. "That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn--there he is.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable."Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
— David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames
...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
— Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.
— Stephen King, Bag of Bones
There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.
— E. Nesbit, The Magic World
I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite. 
— Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
— G.K. Chesterton
We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was my face. "Sorry," she murrmured. "S'okay," I grunted, though I'd never really wanted to know what Annabeth's sneaker tasted like.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch
— Janet Evanovich, Seven Up
Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
— Steve Martin
Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible!
— Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.
— Charles Bukowski
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
— Ellen DeGeneres
Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall."Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question.""D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern."Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin...
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!
— James Dashner, The Maze Runner
It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily."So it is.""And freezing.""Is it?""Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.
— A.A. Milne
[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
— Oscar Wilde
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
— Joseph Heller
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!
— Lauren Myracle, ttfn
You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
— Anne Lamott
To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.
— John Irving, The Hotel New Hampshire
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
— Mark Twain
I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night," said Ron. "What d'ya think that's gonna mean?""Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
— D.J. MacHale, The Quillan Games
Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
— Jerry Seinfeld
You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!
— Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn
Well, I certainly don't," said Percy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days." "Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred. "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!" "It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
— Dorothy Parker
Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression."Are you all right?" Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
Oh Tigger, where are your manners?""I don’t know, but I bet they’re having more fun than I am.
— A.A. Milne
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
— Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?
— Terry Pratchett, Mort
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
— Benjamin Franklin
Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
— David Sedaris
Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. "You really don't get this bodyguard thing, do you?""I didn't even think you liked me all that much," said Simon. "Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?""I thought it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house a night and throw up in his mailbox.""I'm pretty sure that's not it
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron."Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment."What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?""Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him."What?" She called back."Want to come to the ball with me?"Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look."All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face."There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.
— Charlaine Harris, Club Dead
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
— Napoléon Bonaparte
Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.
— Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds
Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.
— Lady Gaga
Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear
Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”And she sprinted away, up the stairs. does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.“But why’s she got to go to the library?”“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.
— Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
— Mark Twain
I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.
— Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic
It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity.
— Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
— Woody Allen
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
— Jon Stewart
The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!" he screamed.CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking
— Albert Einstein
I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
So this is it," said Arthur, "We are going to die.""Yes," said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!" He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?" he cried."What? Where?" cried Arthur, twisting round."No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after all.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
By the Angel," Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell."Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth."I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business," Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.""At least you know he's still available.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Lawful good to lawful evil!" said Simon, pleased."He's quoting Dungeons and Dragons," said Clary. "Ignore him.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes