c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
I poke at my skull with a finger. It didn't feel soft or anything. I didn't feel insane. But if you'd really lost it, would you have enough left to know? Crazy people never thought they were crazy. "I've always talked to things," I said. "And to myself." "Good point," myself agreed with me. "Unless that means you've been nuts all along." "I don't need wiseass remarks," I told myself severely. "There's work to do. So shut up.
— Jim Butcher, Dead Beat
Aargh! I’m too short for this shit!
— Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.
— Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy
Princess. By S. Morgenstern. It's a kids' classic. Tell him I'll quiz him on it when I'm back next week and that he doesn't have to like it or anything, but if he doesn't, tell him I'll kill myself. Give him that message exactly please; I wouldn't want to apply any extra pressure or anything.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
He's gaining on us," the Turk said. "That is also inconceivable," the Sicilian said. "Before I stole this boat we're in, I made many inquiries as to what was the fastest ship on all of Florin Channel and everyone agreed it was this one." "You're right," the Turk agreed, staring back. "He isn't gaining on us. He's just getting closer, that's all.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
— E.A. Bucchianeri
I had about as much chance to do that as I did of backpacking my car to the top of Mount Rushmore.
— Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty
For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single-handedly conquering a distant province. They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.
— Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
I once met an RAF pilot who told me of what he called a "bird strike". This, rather unfairly in my view, made it sound as if it was the bird's fault; as if the little feathered chap had deliberately tried to head-butt twenty tons of metal travelling in the opposite direction at just under the speed of sound, out of spite.
— Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller
Mummy can we keep him?" Madeleine asked with the wide eyes of a burgeoning crush."Darling, little boys make terrible pets," Mrs. Masterson offered with a wink."That's not true at all, Mummy. They're hypoallergenic, much easier than dogs," Madeleine said cheekily, "and they almost never have fleas.
— Gitty Daneshvari, School of Fear
This is Nimrod, because of whose vile plan the world no longer speaks a single tongue.
— Dante Alighieri
They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it's my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should have held out for one of these gorillas who has learned to paint. The results would have been of similar quality, and they could have paid in fresh produce.
— Jim Butcher, Small Favor
Not nearly as incredible as hearing you scream when you came. Good thing you took Cassie home. She might think I was killing you in here.""Oh, but what a way to go.
— Kallypso Masters, Nobody's Hero
If I ever figured out how to go back in time, I'd tell my nine-year-old self to run the other way when a gnome showed up in her room promising a life of magic and adventure.
— Anna Staniszewski, My Very UnFairy Tale Life
Sitting up, Jocelyn rolled her head from side to side. “Been better.” “Heard you’re a doctor now.” She grabbed the thermometer.“Yes, a veterinarian.”Placing her fist on her ample hip, Mia scoffed, “You go to that fancy school in Washington State and now you don’t eat meat?” “Good Lord! I’m not a vegetarian—
— Patricia W. Fischer, Deep in My Heart
Solomon smiles with us
— N.D. Wilson, Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl: Wide-Eyed Wonder in God's Spoken World
Don't whine to your spouse about your daily troubles. He's had a harder day providing for you and your children. This is what you're aspiring to?
— Lindsey Leavitt-Going Vintage
We are a bed business, and a coffee-room business. We are not a general dining business, nor do we wish it. In consequence, when diners drop in, we know what to give 'em as will keep 'em away another time.
— Charles Dickens, Christmas Stories
Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship
— Malcolm Bradbury, Cuts
I've watched goldfish make babies, and ants execute earwigs. I've seen a fly deliver live young while having its head eaten by a mantis. And I had a golden retriever behave like one.
— N.D. Wilson, Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl: Wide-Eyed Wonder in God's Spoken World
Nobody should have to put their boxers in a half rotted chest of drawers.”“Hey. I’ll have you know that the rustic look is very popular in the burbs.”“Rustic?” Chase snorted. “Is that your way of saying termite infested?”“This furniture does not have termites. Mice maybe, even moths, but not termites.”“Great, I can look forward to having a swiss cheese wardrobe.
— Adrienne Wilder, Seven
There's only so far we can step backward in one day
— Leisenring
Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.
— Adrienne Wilder, Seven
I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.
— River Jaymes, The Backup Boyfriend
He stands confidently in his hot pink mankini. When I told him it was the only suit left, he literally shrugged and put it on. Tan skin, ripped abs and stylish wayfarers- he instantly looked cool even wearing that damn thing. And the girls playing water volleyball even gawked at his ass
— Krista Ritchie, Addicted for Now
Look, I wanted to mention something to you," I said. Play it off as casual. Play it off as no big deal. Be cool.Her lips curled up in an amused smile. "Okay?""You know what a horrible prankster Will can be." She nodded and I continued: "I may have just done something to get back at him and I swear," I said, resting a hand on her shoulder, "I swear, Hanna, you'll think it's hilarious... eventually.""Eventually?""Absolutely. Eventually."She considered me through narrowed eyes. "This is just a prank, right? No shaved heads or scars?"I pulled back to study her. "That was a very specific question. Scars?" I shook my head, clearing it. "And no, no, no, no. Just a silly little prank." I gave Hanna my best smile, the one Chloe said made panties drop. But apparently it only made Hanna more suspicious.Her eyes narrowed further. "What would I need to do?""Nothing," I said. "You'll probably see some weird stuff but just... go along with it.""So, basically be oblivious.""Exactly," I said."And this will be funny?""Hilarious."She thought about it for a full ten seconds before reaching out to shake my hand. "You're on.
— Christina Lauren, Beautiful Beginning
Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their busted up shoes and haven't had any money for medication for two weeks.
— Lori Lesko
What is even happening here?" Will said, looking to each of us and the back to wherever the cougars had wandered off to."Am I drunk? Hanna, they just pinched my ass and this one"- he motioned to George- "wants to claim me for his own. A little help?"Hanna took a drink off her frilly drink, complete with big pink umbrella and some sort of neon glow stick. "I don't know, you seem to be doing pretty well on your own there," she said, then took another long pull of her straw.
— Christina Lauren, Beautiful Beginning
What are your interests?""Your son in my room," I said."Excuse me?""The sun and the moon," I said. "Astronomy.
— David Levithan, How They Met, and Other Stories
Let me introduce you. Sophie, this is Miss Eliot, from the National Childcare Agency. Miss Eliot, this is Sophie, from the ocean.
— Katherine Rundell, Rooftoppers
At least it's working out because Cheddar is sort of obsessed with me, or at least very interested, which in the world of felines counts as obsessive behavior.
— Holly Goldberg Sloan, Counting by 7s
Pray, what's the nature of his trouble?" Prudence asked solicitously."Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from whom he has expectations has rallied, and they say she'll last another ten years. Poor old Devereux, y'know! Must try and raise his spirits.
— Georgette Heyer, The Masqueraders
Mothers of America let your kids go to the movies! get them out of the house so they won't know what you're up to it's true that fresh air is good for the body but what about the soul that grows in darkness, embossed by silvery images and when you grow old as grow old you must they won't hate you
— Frank O'Hara, Lunch Poems
Superfast beings shouldn't piss off the comics geek-girl.
— Gini Koch, Touched by an Alien
Asher taps his fingers on his lips and I catch Amy licking her own as she eyes his mouth. "What exactly are Rocky Mountain Oysters?" he asks her.I restrain a laugh as Amy's face twists in confusion."Well...I think they're kind of meat. I'm not sure what kind, but I like them." She presses the end of the pen against her chin.I shake my head at Asher. "You don't want those. Trust me.
— Jessica Sorensen, Ember X
It would look pretty messed up to be a social worker and have dried kid blood as a permanent stain in your vehicle.
— Holly Goldberg Sloan, Counting by 7s
But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?
— Georgette Heyer, The Masqueraders
You held me down and rammed me so hard I deep-throated you from the other end.
— Marita A. Hansen, Behind the Lens
A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof. Bermuda triangulated.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…
— Matt Ruff, Bad Monkeys
May the music rock and the guys be hot
— Brenda Pandos
Sometimes life takes oreos. But we have to learn to deal with it.
— Kayleigh Zubrod
After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there." I warned them, "If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.
— Mark W. Boyer
There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I'm taking a break from it tonight. I'll be back at it tomorrow.
— C.C. Alma
It was possible that he was making some progress in his mental health condition by seeing me.
— Holly Goldberg Sloan
phase two of Operation Fish and CHIPs (Clean House of the Idiot Piranhas)
— Brenda Pandos
Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.
— Wilkie Martin, Inspector Hobbes and the Curse
It’s human nature to view life from our own reality.This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.
— Jaime Buckley, The Truth About Lies
The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee.
— Kelly Moran, The Dysfunctional Test
He has become a worm. That is what I am telling you.""I don't suppose it would be possible," said Henry into the silence, "to, er, step on him?
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess
The fireworks continued to burn and spread all over the school that afternoon. Though they caused plenty of disruption, the other teachers did not seem to mind them very much."Dear, dear," said Professor McGonagall sardonically, as one of the dragons soared around her classroom, emitting loud bangs and exhaling flame. "Miss Brown, would you mind running along to the headmistress and informing her that we have an escaped firework in our classroom?""Thank you so much, Professor!" said Professor Flitwick in his squeaky little voice. "I could have got rid of the sparklers myself, of course, but I wasn't sure whether I had the authority..."Beaming, he closed the classroom door in Umbridge's snarling face.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Eggs," said Henry dreamily, looking at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud."Yes, my little turnip?" "Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words.
— Jordan L. Hawk, Threshold
Why did you buy them? Stop buyin my shit Austin! First the hay, now my horses. Why?
— Kindle Alexander, Texas Pride
Oh, that's just Thud! That's easy!" yapped a voice.Both men turned to look at Horsefry, who had been made perky by sheer relief."I used to play it when I was a kid," he burbled. It's boring. The dwarfs always win!"Gilt and Vetinari shared a look. It said: While I loathe you and every aspect of your personal philosophy to a depth unplummable by any line, I'll credit you at least with not being Crispin Horsefry.
— Terry Pratchett, Going Postal
What's your name?""What?" I asked, squinting at the light."Your name." I recognized Dr. Olendzki peering over me."You know my name.""I want you to tell me.""Rose. Rose Hathaway.""Do you know your birthday?""Of course I do. Why are you asking me such stupid things? Did you lose my records?"Dr. Olendzki gave an exasperated sigh and walked off.
— Richelle Mead, Frostbite
I've fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other?
— Ella Dominguez, This Love's Not for Sale
Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.""I didn't mean no harm," I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?""Ah! Changing the subject, you coward.
— Dashiell Hammett, The Thin Man
A table for TONIGHT should certainly have been booked years before-perhaps, it was implied, by Richard's parents. A table for TONIGHT was impossible: if the pope, the prime minister, and the president of France arrived this evening without a confirmed reservation, even they would be turned out into the street with a continental jeer.
— Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere
White? That's good. virginal. He'll be reminded this is a first for you and hopefully won't just impale you on his pork sword.
— Carmen Jenner, Welcome to Sugartown
And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compliment?” “Of course I am,” Lightsong said. “My dear, have you ever known me to make an inflammatorily ridiculous statement without providing an equally ridiculous explanation to substantiate it?” “Of course not,” she agreed. “You are nothing if not exhaustive in your self-congratulatory made-up logic.” “I am rather exceptional in that regard.
— Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker
I'm an Author, not a Grammarist!
— T.R. Patrick
Loeser's favourite book in Blimk's shop, where he spent most of his afternoons, was still Dames! And how to Lay them. He referred to it constantly, like a psalter, with an inexhaustible excitement at the notion that it was possible to seduce a woman just by following a rigorous system of instructions. The problem was, there wasn't much in it that he felt he could put to practical use. 'Want to impress a dame with morning after the night before? Run to the kitchen while she's still snoozing fit to bust, and come back with what I like to call the Egg Majestique. That's one of every type of egg on a tray: a soft-boiled egg, a hard-boiled egg, an egg over easy, an egg sunny side up, a poached egg, a devilled egg, a pickled egg, a coddled egg, a scrambled egg, a one-egg omelette, and a shot of egg nog for the hangover. No dame will be able to believe you know so many ways to cook eggs. Egg protein is good for the manly function, and after you've pulled off the Egg Majestique, you'll probably need it, if you know what I mean.' This sounded pretty authoritative to Loeser but he just wasn't quite sure.
— Ned Beauman, The Teleportation Accident
She smelled of talcum powder and Big Red.
— David Foster Wallace, Oblivion
Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a strange man on the subway. A man without pants.
— Christy  Hall
Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.
— Mark W. Boyer
You think everyone pervs you."... "That's cos they do, and you're just jealous, cos I'm gorgeous and you're not." ~ conversation between Dante &Ash
— Marita A. Hansen, Behind the Lens
Occupation: WriterOccupational Hazard: Carpel tunnelSolution: Wrist guards to bed or my hands do all the sleeping Perspective: I've decided my wrist guards have turned me into a Ninja Superhero that hides in the shadows
— Christy  Hall, The Little Silkworm
If he's after sledge I'd say he's a bottom, and a very sore one if he succeeds , cos your bro looks like he's got a third leg down there, it's so fucking huge. Got an eyeful once when I walked in on him while he was showering"...
— Marita A. Hansen, Behind the Tears
So intense was his sexual frustration that it had begun to feel like a life-threatening illness: testicular gout, libidinal gangrene.
— Ned Beauman, The Teleportation Accident
Walking the Camino de Santiago taught me the wonders of physical challenge, the wonders of spiritual freedom, and the wonders of baby powder.
— Christy  Hall, The Little Silkworm
I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well
—  but please . . . no comments on my author face!
The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.
— Christy  Hall, The Little Silkworm
If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!
— Christy  Hall, The Little Silkworm
Keep rechewing. Like a cow. Use all your creative stomachs.
— Elizabeth M. Lawrence
The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.
— A.E. Poynor, Somewhere West of Roads
To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the storms of autumn. Not a puncture, not a weak spot any where. -This nut... while so many of its brethren have fallen and been trodden under foot, is still in possession of all the happiness that a hazel-nut can be supposed capable of.
— Jane Austen, Persuasion
So...have you ever thought about dyeing your hair punk-rocker-chick black? As I'm sure you've heard, I have a thing for brunettes and always avoid blondes." "I've heard. And no." "Too bad. Because you're making me rethink my stance about doing my friends' exes." I snorted, not even trying to hide my...incredulity? Surely I wasn't amused. "Your making me rethink my stance on cold-blooded homicide
— Gena Showalter, Through the Zombie Glass
The on and off thing is kind of annoying, isn't it? First with Cole, now with Gavin. "Maybe you need a tune up." I rolled my eyes. "I'll just pop into the supernatural ability repair shop sometime tomorrow." He grinned, his fingers tracing the line of my jaw.
— Gena Showalter, Through the Zombie Glass
You know we've got it bad when a naked and gyrating Channing Tatum can't solve our problems.
— Jen Frederick, Unspoken
Children are nothing but a problem people create and then congratulate themselves on solving.
— Curtis Sittenfeld, Sisterland
McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you’ve got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won’t be pretty. Just sayin
— Ella Dominguez, This Love's Not for Sale
Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad
— Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
— Jacob M. Appel, The Man Who Wouldn't Stand Up
His shoes looked too large
—  his sleeve looked too long
For a time he read his Neil Diamond bible by the firelight. He paused, twisting nervously at his goatee, considering the law in Deuteronomy that forbade clothes with mixed fibers. A problematic bit of Scripture. A matter that required thought."Only the devil wants man to have a wide range of lightweight and comfortable styles to choose from," he murmured at last, trying out a new proverb. "Although there may be no forgiveness for polyester. On this matter, Satan and the Lord are in agreement.
— Joe Hill, Horns
She laughed. ''You seem pretty normal.''''You've never seen Ben snort Sprite up his nose and then spit it out of his mouth,'' I said.''I look like a demented carbonated fountain,'' he deadpanned.
— John Green, Paper Towns
what you knowand don’t deny thatyou don’t knowand knowing thisyou knowwhat and whyyou don’t know.Right?
— Jennifer Hillman, "Words of the Heart"
He says in his defence he never meddled with married women, only with virgins.
— Hilary Mantel, Bring Up the Bodies
When Uncle W. G. held out his hand to take my money, I dropped the dead mouse in his hand.
— Earl B. Russell, Cold Turkey at Nine: The Memoir of a Problem Child
Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.
— Elias Zapple, Duke & Michel: The Mysterious Corridor
Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)
— Simon Ewins
If people fainted from too much thinking I’d scarcely ever be conscious,” Tabitha began at once. “I think and think all the time, and I’ve never fainted – not once.” She looked over at Barney enviously. “Why do the best things always happen to other people and not to a promising writer?
— Margaret Mahy, The Haunting
What an idiot.
— J.K. Rowling
THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.
— Chocolate Waters, Charting New Waters
Not a week after Annie put her foot in Mrs. Huffmaster's duff, the Captain upped and laid down the date.
— James McBride, The Good Lord Bird
Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.’ Prov. xxvi. 4.‘Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.’ Prov. xxvi. 5.
— Samuel Grant Oliphant, Queer Questions and Ready Replies: A Collection of Four Hundred Questions in History, Geography, Biography, Mythology, Philosophy, Natural History, Sc
What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?
— Esther Spurrill Jones, Falling to Pieces
hey man, i am tankianann and i like to research
— tan kian ann
Sherlock: They came out of EROC with $33 million dollars in small bills. They loaded their haul into an ambulance, American-made, in the late '90s. They haven't been gone more than an hour.Joan: The driver has a lazy eye, the other two met in basketball camp and one has canine lupus. You see how it feels? Just tell me how you know.Elementary Season 1Snow Angels
— Elementary
Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others
— Yana Toboso, Black Butler, Vol. 3
…When you’ve know me longer, you’ll learn that I mean everything I say.”“Even the lies?”“Especially the lies. Lord Petyr…
— George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings
You hit the Lord of The Titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
Leah" Olivia says quietly, "if you point at me again I'm going to break that manicured finger right off your hand. Now turn around and smile, your daughter is waking up.
— Tarryn Fisher, Thief
Hermione: You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cocroach!Ron: Hermione, no! He's no worth it.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hagrid: Harry -- yer a wizard.Harry: I'm a what?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Hermione: You! You foul loathsome evil little cockroach!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.''Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?''This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.
— Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident
Are you going to be all right now?" Loki asked. He'd walked me over here, and he waited just inside the doorway."Yeah I'm great," I lied and sat on the bed. "The entire kingdom is falling apart. People are dying. I have to kill my father. And my husband just went crazy
— Amanda Hocking, Ascend
I laugh. Yer crazy, I says.I was fine till I met you, he says.
— Moira Young, Blood Red Road
If you were an animal, what would you be?" I wrote, "A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.
— Wells Tower, Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned
One cannot live on cock alone," Etienne called out as he left the stable. "God knows I've tried!
— Rosemary O'Malley, The Red King
You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.
— Will Cuppy, The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody: Great Figures of History Hilariously Humbled
Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex.
— Aakash Deep, Those Days...I never cared about!
Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what I wanted was the cigarette.
— Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale
Indeed! I am truly glad to hear it. I always always fond of Osborne; and, do you know, I never really took to Roger; I respected him and all that, of course. But to compare him with Mr. Henderson! Mr. Henderson is so handsome and well-bred, and gets all his gloves from Houbigant!
— Elizabeth Gaskell, Wives and Daughters
I think that I was too self-centered to ever develop good skills as a peacemaker. In my younger days, I assumed that it was because I was smarter than everyone else, with no patience for explaining things in short words for mouthbreathers who just didn't get it.
— Cory Doctorow, Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom
I really am a little afraid, my dear,” hinted the cherub meekly, “that you are not enjoying yourself?”“On the contrary,” returned Mrs. Wilfer, “quite so. Why should I not?”“I thought, my dear, that perhaps your face might—““My face might be a martyrdom, but what would that import, or who should know it, if I smiled?”And she did smile; manifestly freezing the blood of Mr. George Sampson by so doing. For that young gentleman, catching her smiling eye, was so very much appalled by its expression as to cast about in his thoughts concerning what he had done to bring it down upon himself.
— Charles Dickens, Our Mutual Friend
Then the Miller fell off his horse.
— Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales
And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!
— Elaine Raco Chase, Calculated Risk
Putting the brakes on is not an easy thing for a vamp to do. It's kind of like a shark trying to stop a feeding frenzy, or that old potato chip slogan: "Bet you can't eat just one.
— Jim Grayson, Trailer Vamp - Love Bites: A Josh Blackthorn Adventure
He’s an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I’ve slept with.
— Lila Shaw, Wild West Succubus
The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.
— Flip Wilson
Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.
— Brian Randleas Harmony
Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying
— Timothy Pina, Bullying Ben: How Benjamin Franklin Overcame Bullying
Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?"Instead of an answer, I was rewarded with a face full of graham cracker cereal and milk." - from Of Cheerleaders and Gingers
— K.C. Beaumont, Silver Shorts 2013, January
My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.
— Nicole Peeler, Tempest’s Fury
Save yourselves!" Percy warned. "It is too late for us!" Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. "oh no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!" Nothing happened. "I said," Percy repeated, "Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin." Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. "oh no," he said, like he was reading from a teleprompter, "I am turning into a crazy dolphin.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Listen up, Mount High-Hair," Gustav barked. "Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I've been through a lot of stuff with these people. Nobody can tell me that Fancy Dancer and Lady Slick-Pants aren't heroes. Captain Gloom-Cape over there, too. And even Shrimp Charming has his moments." Briar leaned back in her chair. "I admire your ability to insult your friends *while* you defend them. It's a rare talent.
— Christopher Healy, The Hero's Guide to Storming the Castle
In short, we derive support for our preferred conclusions by listening to the words that we put in the mouths of people who have already been preselected for their willingness to say what we want to hear.
— Daniel M. Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness
Bast crouched down and began making weird chittering noises. Uh-oh. She was imitating birds. I'd seen enough cats do this when they were stalking. Suddenly my own obituary flashed in my head: Carter Kane, 14, tragically died in Paris wen he was eaten by his sister's cat, Muffin.
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
I sailed on the cold air currents above the rooftops of Paris. I could see the river, the Louvre Museum, the gardens and palaces. And a mouse-yum. Hang on, Carter, I thought. not hunting mice.
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be….”Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect?“I know!” said the prince happily. “You’re a national disgrace!”“And do you know what else is interesting,” I replied. “In America, Prince is a dog’s name.
— Paul Rudnick, Gorgeous
Am I a human? Yes. Then I like The Princess Bride.
— Remy Richard, Tall, Dork and Handsome
Oh, it's called, em...' Kate thinks, 'I can't remember what it's called.''You're the same as me,' Dad says to her. 'You've got CRAFT too.''What's that?''Can't. Remember. A. Fuc-
— Cecelia Ahern, Thanks for the Memories
It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing.
— Ken Follett, The Pillars of the Earth
Eve: I don't understand this word..."Freedom." Does it mean...I do what I want?Sven: Yes.Eve: Then I wouldn't have to kill anymore?Sven: No more killing.
— Kentaro Yabuki, Black Cat, Volume 02
Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.
— Janet Mullany, Improper Relations
One thing I’d realized in the last year was that there were some things no one could give you permission to do. All the same, it didn’t mean you couldn’t or shouldn’t do them— particularly when it came to the big things, like saving the world, or journeying to a supernatural seam between realities, or bringing your boyfriend back from the dead.
— Kami Garcia
May we do it again? She sounds remarkably bright and cheerful. 'And I didn't bleed. My mother said I would experience great agony.''Half an hour.''I beg your pardon? Your mumbling.'Eyes closed, I attempt to enunciate a little more clearly. 'In half an hour or so. Probably. And your mother was misinformed.''What am I suppose to do in the meantime?''Oh. Read a Sermon. Embroider something
— Janet Mullany, Improper Relations
Being a monk was the strangest and most perverted way of life imaginable. Monks spent half their lives putting themselves through pain and discomfort that they could easily avoid, and the other half muttering meaningless mumbo jumbo in empty churches at all hours of the day and night. They deliberately shunned anything good—girls, sports, feasting and family life.
— Ken Follett, The Pillars of the Earth
I regret it is not possible to marry by post.
— Janet Mullany, Improper Relations
He invited me to dinner Thursday night," Rusty said. "I'm going to have to go to his house.""I don't think he invited you to dinner," Delilah said. "I think he invited you because you are dinner.
— Penelope Rivers, My Neighbor, the Vampire
...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).
— G.M. Malliet, Wicked Autumn
This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in the first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).
— Rick Gualtieri, Holier Than Thou
Jim: By the way Artie. How are you going to escape?Artie: Oh, the usual way. Guile.. cunning...trickery.Wild Wild West Season 3Night of the Arrow
— Wild Wild West TV
I think I’m coming up on the ess curve, so I’m going to hang up and concentrate on driving. In the snow. Which wasn’t supposed to happen until tomorrow afternoon.Gee, Kels, I didn’t know you believed in the weatherman. Do you still believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, too? How about the Easter Bunny?All right. Point taken.
— Lani Aames, Ellora's Cavemen: Tales from the Temple I
This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.
— Janet Mullany, Improper Relations
Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place to be. I figured that right now, I had two choices — crawl out of the pit, or wallow and die. To wallow or not to wallow? That was the question. Look at Scarlett O’Hara. Did she cry and whine when Rhett walked out the door not giving a damn? Well, okay, she did. But not for long, I’ll bet. Not Scarlett. Same story here, baby, same story here.
— Karen Cantwell, Take the Monkeys and Run
But I regret to inform you that you are probably not dying''As you will.' I take a swig from the bottle of brandy, my teeth chattering against it. I don't have the energy to argue; I must save my strength for my imminent demise.
— Janet Mullany, Improper Relations
Of course, you won't confirm or deny it, which means I'm probably right, since if I was wrong, you'd be gloating about it.
— Keith R.A. DeCandido, The Zoo Job
I mumble my vows, Shad mutters his, and I wonder what would happen if I lunged for the door like a wild animal seeking its freedom. I could probably outrun his one-legged friend, but Shad has something of the greyhound about him.
— Janet Mullany, Improper Relations
In truth, he had always considered the sight of men eating croissants slightly ridiculous, especially at the beginning, when for the first bite they had to maneuver the point of the crescent into their mouths. No matter what a person did, he ended up with an asymmetrical mouthful of pastry, which he then had to relocate with his tongue to a more central location. This made him look less purposive than he might. Also, croissants were more apt than other breakfast foods to spray little flakes all over one’s clean dark suit. Art himself had accordingly never ordered a croissant in any working situation, and he believed that attention to this sort of detail was how it was that he had not lost his job like so many of his colleagues.
— Gish Jen, Who's Irish?: Stories
... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.
— Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
Be careful what you wear to bed, because you never know where you might wake up.
— Ridley Pearson, Disney at Dawn
But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imag
— Sarah MacLean, Eleven Scandals to Start to Win a Duke's Heart
I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?''People who like things neat?''Its not natural.
— Rachel Caine, Fall of Night
He had a bright, reckless tenor that was always wandering off, looking for notes in the wrong places.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
... It wasn't my finest moment, but I rolled my eyes and actually huffed. "Fine, don't answer. I don't even know why I asked.""No, I am not having sex with anyone.""Oh." I shrugged nonchalantly, but for some reason his response filled me with glee. It was as if a unicorn had appeared beneath a double rainbow and started tap dancing.
— Penny Reid, Neanderthal Seeks Human
If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.''Is he UNstable?''I don't know, how can I tell? You're the crazy whisperer!'She had a point. Claire couldn't help but smile about that.
— Rachel Caine, Fall of Night
I glance down, and my eyes get big."What?" He glances down, realizes why my eyes are big, and shrugs his shoulders. "It's morning.""It's cute. Can I keep it?
— Jillian Dodd, Stalk Me
Felicity was horrible and snide, but then Felicity had been a repulsive earwig ever since she first grew a vocabulary.
— Gail Carriger, Changeless
I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism.
— Veronica Blade, Something Witchy This Way Comes
Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.
— Tracy Brogan, Crazy Little Thing
You need to relax and be yourself, not whoever it is you’re trying to be in your mad little head. I bloody don’t, though. I’m me and I’m good at it.
— Nick Harkaway, Angelmaker
Hand-to-hand combat with three hundred pounds of screaming monkey menace is not my idea of a fair fight. My idea of a fair fight is one unarmed, toothless, nearsighted old monkey versus me with a Blackhawk attack helicopter.
— Dean Koontz, Seize the Night
Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn't get any better than this.''You have low standards,' Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. 'If I had two hot girls in my kitchen, I'd want them naked.' I stood immobile, seeing Chait and Hayden in my minds eye. Naked, cooking for me.Hayden glanced my way and chuckled as I dashed away.
— Veronica Blade, Something Witchy This Way Comes
The elevator doors opened to reveal a very large man brandishing a bloodstained antique phone receiver in a plastic bag and proclaiming, "I found this up him!""You know," said Tallow, "I really have no response to that.
— Warren Ellis, Gun Machine
I used to wonder what I was doing wrong. Now I know: just about everything.
— Raegan Butcher, Stone Hotel
Our guy has a property office, John. And I don't mean the Property Office here in One PP. I mean the huge fucking storage facility. A guy in there, with access to thousands of fucking handguns. Even the ones that other people would be keeping an eye on, like Son of Sam's piece, for fuck's sake - a guy in there who'll just boost them and give them to our guy to kill people with. And if the guns are too famous, he'll cut his own slugs out of the bodies and walk away. This guy, our guy, he's actually starting to scare me a bit right now.""A couple of hundred kills to his name didn't do that?""Meh. I dream about killing two hundred people every fucking night.""You know," said Tallow, "whenever I'm in danger of forgetting you're CSU, you always find a way to remind me.
— Warren Ellis, Gun Machine
Wait here, Miz Meg, and we'll holler when we're undressed and under the covers. We know it don't bother you seein' our backsides since you're a widow and all, but it'd sure bother us… even though you've seen "em before. We kinda like to keep 'em to ourselves
— Lorraine Heath, Always to Remember
I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave.
— Michelle M. Pillow
One thing I have to give Christians; were it not for Sunday, every day of the week would be a workday.
— Lex Allen
Jim Rosato was recently married, to a Greek nurse. Rosato was half Irish and half Italian, and there was a pool on at the 1st as to which of the two would arrive at work wearing the other's skin as a hat within the year.
— Warren Ellis, Gun Machine
You may want to reconsider. Cheese sticks will take residency on your ass," I respond with a sarcastic smile, tilting my head to the side. "You would know," she snorts. "Actually, I wouldn't. I don't eat this shit since I see the tons of grease that it fries in every day. But be my guest, I'm sure you wouldn't mind adding to the cottage cheese factory on your thighs.
— Ashley Wilcox, Waiting on Forever
Soon the grizzly was joined by a brown bear, a sun bear, and a beaver suffering from an identity crisis of magnificent proportion
— Cameron Dokey, Sunlight and Shadow: A Retelling of The Magic Flute
I am no indiscriminate novel reader. The mere trash of the common circulating library I hold in the highest contempt.
— Jane Austen, Sanditon: Jane Austen's Last Novel Completed
Karma: I know I've seen this man someplace before.Artie (as McGuffey): Considering some of the places I frequent lady that's a comprising remark!Wild Wild West TV Season 1Night of the Flaming Ghost
— Wild Wild West TV
Jim: Green and red. (pulls on green lever which closes a door)Artie: Very impressive. (stops Jim from pulling the red lever). Uh...did it ever occur to you that red might mean danger?Jim: For instance?Artie: For instance, red for fire. Fire of explosion.Jim: What would they want to explode?Artie: Those who fool around with their levers.Wild Wild West Season 4Night of the Big Blackmail
— Wild Wild West TV TV
You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate
— J.T. Cheyanne, Grand Slam
So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.
— Julio Alexi Genao
Tyson dropped the two warriors he was about to tie into a knot and jogged after us. He jumped on the centaur's back. 'Dude!' the centaur groaned, almost buckling under Tyson's weight. 'Do the words "low-carb diet" mean anything to you?
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.
— Abigail Barnette, The Boss
Sophie raised her head. Light filtering through the trees dappled her face. “Hawk.”Charlotte looked up as well. A bird of prey soared above the treetops, circling around them.“It’s dead,” Sophie said. “George is guiding it. He is very powerful.”The realization washed over Charlotte in a cold gush of embarrassment. “Is George spying on Richard and me?”“Always,” Sophie said. “All those perfect manners are a sham. He spies on everyone and everything. Declan hasn’t been able to conduct a single business meeting in the past year without George’s knowing all the details. He does let go when you make love. He is a prude.”“‘Prude’ is a coarse word. He has a sense of tact,” Charlotte corrected before she caught herself.“A sense of tact,” Sophie repeated, tasting the words. “Thank you. The other one is somewhere around here, too.”“The other one?”Sophie surveyed the woods. “I can smell you, Jack!”“No, you can’t,” a distant voice answered
— Ilona Andrews, Steel's Edge
Toddlers are germ-warfare machines in a cute package"- Debora Geary
— Debora Geary, Witches Under Way
Worse day ever!" I whined to Ellie."Oh, worse than the time you got pulled over and the cop said 'papers' and you said 'scissors, I win' and he didn't laugh?
— Sophie Monroe, Second Chance Romance
michelle would get picked up and bang someone anonymous stud in the bathroom, and i would sip my drink wishing i could go home and curl up with a book. i sigh. thats ok. she was my vicarious slutty friend. and for that i loved her
— Marata Eros, Reapers
... Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with ... Mr. G might not seem evil, but I fear him more than any other human being.
— Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook
You have a visitor, my lord." I frowned, "What?" "That is why I came in here. You have a visitor waiting for you." I stood up, exasperated. "Why didn't you say so?" Lacuna looked confused. "I did. Just now. You were there." She frowned thoughtfully. "Perhaps you have brain damage." "It would not shock me in the least," I said."Would you like me to cut open your skull and check, my lord?" she asked. Someone that short should not be that disturbing.
— Jim Butcher, Cold Days
I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked."Thwart." I said. "To prevent someone from accomplishing something by means of visiting gratuitous violence upon his smarmy person.""I'm pretty sure that isn't the definition," Sarissa said."It is today.
— Jim Butcher, Cold Days
I'm not helping any of you freaks!" she shouts. "I'm not the Witch of Wayland, you hear me? I'm sick of all you mutants pounding on my door for love spells and all the like! I told you, I don't do that backwoods modern-day, wannabe Wiccafuck stuff! You hear me?
— J.A. Redmerski, The Ballad of Aramei
People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?""I hope not," I said."You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---""And my thoughts are often abrasive.""Exactly.""I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave.""If you would.
— Marian Keyes, The Mystery of Mercy Close
It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.
— Anton Strout, Dead Waters
I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.
— Jon S. Lewis, Invasion
I need you to get inside Wayne's head. I need someone who thinks a bit left field and in your own unpleasant way, Helen Walsh, you're a genius.He had a point. I'm lazy and illogical. I've limited people skills. I'm easily bored and easily irritated. But I have moments of brilliance. They come and they go and I can't depend on them but they do happen.
— Marian Keyes, The Mystery of Mercy Close
Artie: It's in here.Jim: Let's check this [box] first, Artie.Artie: Oh. [Finding a fake Sword of Kuniyoshi] Phony! How do you like that? Phony!Jim: Artie...so are our bonds.Artie: Oh. You can't trust anybody these days.Wild Wild West (TV) Season 3Night of the Samurai
— Wild Wild West TV
Jim: I want you to search every place in this hotel where a crate of dynamite could possibly be stored.Artie: Right. And if I find it?Jim: I'll arrange for someone to pour cold water over your face to revive you.Wild Wild West (TV) Season 2Night of the Infernal Machine
— Wild Wild West TV