c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Why are you so weird?""Because my weird has to be able to cancel out your weird, Lady Cross-stitch.""At least what I do is considered an art form.""Yes, in ye olde medieal Europse you would've been quite the catch-
— Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds
Stairway to Hell or Yellow Brick Road? Why don't you give your Magic 8 Ball a shake and see if it's ready to play again.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Darkness
The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin McLaurin Williams
He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.
— Abraham Lincoln
I always wanted to be a juvenile delinquent but my parents wouldn't let me.
— John Waters
If the apocalypse comes...beep me!
— Joss Whedon
The thing about changing the world... Once you do it, the world's all different.
— Joss Whedon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Long Way Home
Oh, China. How I have missed you.''And I have missed you, Eliza. But don't worry, next time my aim will be better.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.''My accent?''It is quite silly.''So you can't understand me?''Not a word.''Then how did you understand that?''I didn't.' ''You didn't understand what I just said?''That's right.''You understood that, though.''Not at all.'The American glowered.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
For a terrifying moment I thought he was going to hug me, but fortunately we both remembered we were English just in time. Still, it was a close call.
— Ben Aaronovitch, Moon Over Soho
My point is that I am going to figure this out, like I always do. First, we’re going to find a way to get into Artemisia. We’re going to find Cress and rescue Cinder and Wolf. We’re going to overthrow Levana, and by the stars above, we are going to make Cinder a queen so she can pay us a lot of money from her royal coffers and we can all retire very rich and very alive, got it?"Winter started to clap. "Brilliant speech. Such gumption and bravado.""And yet strangely lacking in any sort of actual strategy," said Scarlet."Oh, good, I'm glad you noticed that too," said Iko. "I was worried my processor might be glitching.
— Marissa Meyer, Winter
Next time I want to do something nice, slap me.
— Simone Elkeles
There was a family joke that Lucy's first words were, "Nicholas is bugging me!
— Alyxandra Harvey, My Love Lies Bleeding
A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop.I gaped.My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child.Son of a mother…Friend or not, it was so on
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal
He wants as many victors as possible for the cameras to follow in the Capitol. Thinks it makes for better television.""Are you and Beetee going?" I ask."As many young and attractive victors as possible," Haymitch corrects himself. "So, no. We'll be here.
— Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
They're saying that you and Sean Kendrick were burning up the cliffs." Tommy spins me again and grins at me. "And when I say you and Sean Kendrick, I mean you and Sean Kendrick. And by burning, I mean burning.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Scorpio Races
Shiny, let's be bad guys!
— Joss Whedon
So, great. This is Camp…what do you call it? Camp Fish-Blood?”Aphros frowned. “I hope that was a joke. This is Camp __________.” He made a sound that was a series of sonar pings and hisses.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o'er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don't know why I cannot sleep -I slept just fine at school.
— Kathy Kenney-Marshall
Life is serious but art is fun!
— John Irving
I’m not certain you’d know the right sort of man for you if he arrived on our doorstep riding an elephant.”“I would think the elephant would be a fairly good indication that I ought to look elsewhere.
— Julia Quinn, It's in His Kiss
It would be fun,” Skulduggery nodded. ”I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed.""I'd have been disappointed too.
— Anthony Horowitz, Scorpia
I shall never have a bath again," I said. "Just dont have one too often," my grandmother said. "Once a month is quite enough for a sensible child." It was at times like these that I loved my grandmother more than ever.
— Roald Dahl
Now you're just being silly. He's a mercenary- he's not going to go about penning love letters, and really, what would he write? 'Anna...love you...grrr?'" Olivia to Annalia
— Kresley Cole, If You Dare
Ah! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I’m afraid I’ve rather lost my liking for them — but I think I’ll be safe with a nice toffee, don’t you?”He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth.“Alas! Ear wax!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?' He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever true and are usually utterly inaccurate.
— Agatha Christie, Murder at the Vicarage
All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.
— Joss Whedon
You ride as a man, fight as a man, and you think as a man-""I think as a human being," she retorted hotly. "Men don't think any differently from women- they just make more noise about being able to.
— Tamora Pierce, The Woman Who Rides Like a Man
Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt.
— Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
My aunt and overprivileged cousin only recognize two states of being: glitter and grunge. And if you weren’t glitter, well, that only left one other option.
— Rachel Vincent, My Soul to Take
He's like Super Librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.
— Joss Whedon
The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.
— Chetan Bhagat, 2 States: The Story of My Marriage
So here were the facts: I felt possessive of her. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in a "hit her over the head, drag her off by the hair, and fuck her" way. Like she was my toy and I was keeping the other boys in the sandbox from playing with her. How sick was that? If she ever heard me admit to that, she would cut off my balls and feed them to me.
— Christina Lauren, Beautiful Bastard
I didn't set fire to the building.""No, but you did pull it into the river.""That put the fire out!
— Anthony Horowitz, Snakehead
You sure you don't want me to bring you back something?" Her eyes moved in the direction of his office. "A hit man? Some holy water?
— Christina Lauren, Beautiful Bastard
This was the tricky bit. The really tricky bit, trickiness cubed.
— Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller
Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free.
— Philippa Gregory, The White Queen
I'm Cinderella. No, I'm better than Cinderella, because she only got the prince, didn't she? I'm Cinderella with fab teeth and a shit-hot job.
— Sophie Kinsella, Remember Me?
Go Ahead, call me all the names you want," Sansa said airily. "You won't dare when I'm married to Joffrey. You'll have to bow and call me Your Grace." She shrieked as Arya flung the orange across the table. It caught her in the middle of the forehead with a wet squish and plopped down into her lap."You have juice on your face, Your Grace ," Arya said.
— George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.
— J.D. Robb, Imitation in Death
If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.
— Saul Bellow, Herzog
And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?”“If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons.
— George R.R. Martin, A Dance with Dragons
More of your conversation would infect my brain.
— William Shakespeare, Coriolanus
Now-what’s our game plan?”	Coach Hedge belched. He’d already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would’ve eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand.	“Climb the mountain,” Hedge said. “Kill everything except Piper’s dad. Leave.”	“Thank you General Eisenhower,” Jason grumbles.
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!
— Drew Barrymore
Kaede: I know this, ungrateful dog. In order to find the sacred jewel shards, Kagome's spirtual power is essential. Yet ye made her upset with your words an sent her running homeInuYasha: That was her idea! she chose to go home! She said: "I'm going home! You jerk!"Kaede: InuYasha, that imitation was pathetic.InuYasha: I'm a demon, not a comedian! 
— Rumiko Takahashi
I also felt that Ron and Hermione would have gotten divorced. I'm sorry, I just do. The end of Harry Potter did feel ultimately to me...just the fact everybody had married everybody. The books were so real and so grounded in what things are really like when you're that age, she nailed that so beautifully. And then there was this slightly fantastical ending. I know that was there for her to say, 'Really, I mean it, no more books,' but you do sort of go, people who were in a war are different from people who haven't been, and how does it affect them? But am I going to second-guess my favorite writer? I think not.
— Joss Whedon
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
— Oscar Levant
Is that it?”“No. That’s a wall.”“It could be disguised.”“You’re not very good at looking for things, are you?”“I’m good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.
— Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked
This may be my only chance to see humans before these two are made into fertilizer for Moonwind's rosebushes.
— Tamora Pierce, The Realms of the Gods
Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
(Kaylee) Tell me I'm pretty, Wash.(Wash) Were I unwed I would take you in a manly fashion.(kaylee) Because I'm pretty?(Wash) Because you're pretty.
— Brett Matthews
The Brigands charged in with their weapons drawn."Who are you?" Young Bertie asked."We're the bad guys!" their leader announced."What are you going to do?""Plunder and pillage!" one of them yelled.The others immediately shoved him. "Not in front of the kid, Ralph! Fer cryin' out loud...""Oh, yeah. Sorry! We're here to take your candy!
— Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars
I blame Doctor Who. Mr Spock. The Scooby Gang: both the ones in the Mystery Machine and the ones with the stakes. I've spent my life with stories of people who don't walk away, who go back for their friends, who make that last stand. I've been brainwashed by Samwise Gamgee.
— Andrea K. Höst, Stray
We can do this the easy way,' Oblivious snarled. 'Or the hard way.''What's the easy way?''You leave immediately.''And what's the hard way?''We make you leave.'Skulduggery's head tilted. 'What was the easy way again?
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Leave any problem alone for long enough and it will solve itself.
— Nell Dixon
He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.
— Martin Amis, The Information
This is the most I have ever been in the sewers in one place. If someone had said to me a month ago, 'Hey, Jackal, guess where you'll be spending most of your time in New Covington? Ankle-deep in shit!' I would've ripped their lips off.
— Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure
Have you killed anyone?” she asked quickly.“What? Did you miss what I said, about turning murder intoan art form?”“But you haven’t actually killed anyone yet, have you? I readyour file.”He glowered. “Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t
— Derek Landy, Playing with Fire
Could you please put this--could you all put these--could you get dressed, please?"The woman only bestowed a serene smile on me. "We are as the Goddess requires.""The Goddess requires you to be naked on my lawn?
— Kelley Armstrong, Dime Store Magic
Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.
— Terry Pratchett, Mort
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
— Robert A. Heinlein
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
— Neil Armstrong
But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I lied, I like your Star Wars sheets, you're not that bad of a driver, and I swear on my Very Cherry lip gloss that I will never lie to you again.
— Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool
In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.
— David Walliams, Mr Stink
Aragorn: Gentlemen! We do not stop 'til nightfall.Pippin: But what about breakfast?Aragorn: You've already had it.Pippin: We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?[Aragorn stares at him, then walks off.]Merry: Don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?Merry: I wouldn't count on it Pip.
— Peter  Jackson
I told myself that it took forty-two facial muscles to frown and only four to stretch out my arm and bitch-slap the witch.
— Kathy Lette, To Love, Honour And Betray
He had then warned his daughter not to violate the Eleventh Commandment."Which one is that?" I asked her."Do not bullshit thy father," she said.
— Erich Segal, Love Story
It comes in pints?
— Peter  Jackson
Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.
— Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
Cheer up everyone," he said, a new brightness to his voice. "Since we’re all going to die horribly anyway, what’s there to be worried about?
— Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant
I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking.”“I get it, Swopes. He’s not the kind of man you take home to meet yourstepmom.” I rethought that. “Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.
— Clint Eastwood
CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?
— Jen Campbell, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.
— Jenny Colgan, Meet Me at the Cupcake Café
Whatever, crazy chick who maybe lives here and maybe also breaks into Michael's house when they're all gone. I'm out. Have a nice delusion. -Shayne
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Does it give you déjà voodoo how alike the houses are?""That's déjà vu, and I hate you right now
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
He took her hand in his and knelt before her. Valkyrie looked at him. He was serious. (...)'Dude, I'm sixteen.''I love you.''That doesn't make me any older. Stand up.''Not until you say yes.''You're going to shuffle around on your knees for the rest of your life? Stand up, for God's sake.''Be my wife.' 'Shut the hell up.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
The waiter approached.'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?''Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur.'Huh?' said Trillian.'That’s cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
.« Nik has obviously spoken to Nat about my candy preferences.Written in raspberry bullets is ‘I’m sorry’.Written in green apple jellybeans is ‘I miss you’.Written in cherry jellybeans is ‘I love you’.My heart skips a beat at the last line.Written in gummy bears is ‘Marry me’.Did Nik just propose using candy?Why, yes, brain. Yes, he did. »
— Belle Aurora, Friend-Zoned
Torture?” she asked with a laugh. “My first piece of information I’ll divulge to you? I wouldn’t recommend trying to torture me. I dislike it and grow sulky under pincers.It’s a fault.
— Kresley Cole, The Warlord Wants Forever
Momentarily forgetting how wind works, Lex tried spitting at him. This failed
— Gina Damico, Croak
Let me go!" She tore off a mirror and brandished it in his face. "I mean it! I don't want to go to your godforsaken hellbarn, you retarded psycho farmer!
— Gina Damico, Croak
Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.
— Winston S. Churchill
Don't look back!" "Why not?" "Because I just did! Run faster!
— Terry Pratchett, Nation
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
— James Thurber
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.
— E.B. White
They desecrate Riora’s sacred temple! She will be enraged.”“Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed.”“Somebody put a plant in front of it!
— Kresley Cole, No Rest for the Wicked
Because 'You're perfect just the way you are,' is what your guidance counselor says. And she's an alcoholic.
— Libba Bray, Beauty Queens
Each time I see the Upside-Down ManStanding in the water,I look at him and start to laugh,Although I shouldn't oughtter.For maybe in another worldAnother timeAnother town,Maybe HE is right side upAnd I am upside down
— Shel Silverstein
Seduction is merely encouraging a man to do something he already wants to do.
— Lisa Kleypas, Tempt Me at Twilight
Can't you see that I'm only advising you to beg yourself not to be so dumb?
— Petronius Arbiter, The Satyricon
D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry. "Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a strategist." He tapped his temple. "Like me.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto.
— Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
Are you kidding? He's arrogant, sarcastic, likes to intimidate people, and—oh." Okay. Maybe she had a point.
— Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.
— Margaret Atwood, Oryx and Crake
There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life,the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.
— Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
Soul: As a cool guy, I'm used to seeing naked women.Blair: That explains the nosebleed
— Atsushi Ohkubo, Soul Eater, Vol. 01
I, being born a woman and distressedBy all the needs and notions of my kind,Am urged by your propinquity to findYour person fair, and feel a certain zestTo bear your body's weight upon my breast;So subtly is the fume of life designed,To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,And leave me once again undone, possessed.Think not for this, however, the poor treasonOf my stout blood against my staggering brain,I shall remember you with love, or seasonMy scorn with pity, - let me make it plain:I find this frenzy insufficient reasonFor conversation when we meet again.
— Edna St. Vincent Millay
A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and altogether charming. But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep.
— Agatha Christie, The Mystery of the Blue Train
You hit me again," I said, growing oddly annoyed."Ya think?" Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass."Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is.
— Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee.What kind of pencil shall I use?2B or not 2B?
— Spike Milligan
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
— W.C. Fields
I mean to say, really, I am near to developing a neurosis - is there anyone around who doesn't want to study or kill me?"Floote raised a tentative hand."Ah, yes, thank you, Floote.""There is also Mrs Tunstell, madam," he offered hopefully, is if Ivy were some kind of consolation prize."I notice you don't mention my fair-weather husband.""I suspect, at this moment, madam, he probably wants to kill you."Alexia couldn't help smiling. "Good point.
— Gail Carriger, Blameless
You dress her in a wet T-shirt and make her carry the bags? Damn, Cade, I like how you roll" - Rok
— Kresley Cole, Dark Desires After Dusk
At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened.Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?”“Yes. W
— Maria V. Snyder, Magic Study
Dios mio, I think my brother lost his balls somewhere between here and Mexico. Or maybe Brittany has them zipped inside that fancy purse (of hers).
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
Can I request another peer guide, One who isn't so happy to be at school at 7:30 a.m.?
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.
— Oscar Wilde, A House of Pomegranates
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.
— Andy Rooney
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'!
— Kate Angell, Curveball
Sadly, I hate foreigners. And Americans. And animals. And flora, and some fauna. Also the magma that is the very core of this our mother earth. I'm full o' hate!
— Joss Whedon
MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it
— Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone
I mean, if you're asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving knife, it's absurd to tack a 'sir' on to every sentence. The two things don't go together.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Thank You, Jeeves
I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.
— The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody
Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.
— Simone Elkeles
What in the blue star-blazes did you see in Jason?" he asked, still forcefully but with his frustration and jealousy under better control."For one thing, Djetth, he wasn't trying to kil
— Rowena Cherry, Insufficient Mating Material
A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there's no water
— Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram
I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endless
— Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light
Yves. You are goint to love him all over again when you meet him, believe me. You're married.' 'I'm what? But I can't be more than eighteen!' 'My son is very persuasive,' said Saul proudly.
— Joss Stirling, Seeking Crystal
It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now. 
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.
— Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant
Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.That is exactly what things were originally made for.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
I'd blow someone for a valium," I said in Jacob's ear."Maybe he's got one... but try offering a hand-job first so you retain some leverage.
— Jordan Castillo Price, GhosTV
Love is a delicate plant that needs constant tending and nurturing, and this cannot be done by snorting at the adored object like a gas explosion and calling her friends lice.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit
That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: it said, 'goodbye
— Richard Armour
Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir
— Carrie Fisher, Postcards from the Edge
One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be able to refer to me without using the word 'arse' somewhere in the sentence. 
— Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds.
— Quentin Crisp
You mean that because I have no name I cannot die and that you cannot be held answerable for death even if you kill me?""That is about the size of it," said the Sergeant.I felt so sad and so entirely disappointed that tears came into my eyes and a lump of incommunicable poignancy swelled tragically in my throat. I began to feel intensely every fragment of my equal humanity. The life that was bubbling at the end of my fingers was real and nearly painful in intensity and so was the beauty of my warm face and the loose humanity of my limbs and the racy health of my red rich blood. To leave it all without good reason and to smash the little empire into small fragments was a thing too pitiful even to refuse to think about.
— Flann O'Brien, The Third Policeman
Marry, don't marry,' Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple str
— Diana Abu-Jaber, The Language of Baklava: A Memoir
You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.
— Lindsay Buroker, Blood and Betrayal
As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.
— Joan Dye Gussow
But I don’t think I’ve ever known such a natural at Potions!” said Slughorn. “Instinctive, you know — like his mother! I’ve only ever taught a few with this kind of ability, I can tell you that, Sybill — why even Severus —”And to Harry’s horror, Slughorn threw out an arm and seemed to scoop Snape out of thin air toward them.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
— Shirley Temple Black
Step up to red alert."Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." - Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf
— Rob Grant
Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.
— Eoin Colfer, Half Moon Investigations
Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
Since I didn't have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. "Agent... Agent Carson," I said, panting into the phone."Yes, Charley." She seemed unimpressed, but I wasn't about to stop now."I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are.""I'm a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?""I'm sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing."I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?"She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. "You aren't listeni--kshshsh.""You're really bad at this.""Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh.""Charley, if you don't cut this crap out."I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.
— Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
You may look normal like everyone else, but you're not. Not on the inside.
— Vera Brosgol, Anya's Ghost
This won't look so good in my obituary," Schaffer said dolefully. There was a perceptible edge of strain under the lightly-spoken words."Gave his life for his country in a ladies' lavatory in Upper Bavaria.
— Alistair MacLean, Where Eagles Dare
Well, what was I to do? For the well-bred gentleman there was clearly only one recourse. I fucked him.
— Mark Gatiss, The Vesuvius Club
People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.
— Robert Clark
Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.
— Russell Brand
Cal: “Yesterday I was stuck in a car with you for eight hours.” Bastard. I didn’t even sing along with the radio. Much.Me: “Yeah. And?” Cal: “Something happened.”Me: “If you’re referring to my driving skills, may I just say I didn’t TOUCH that truck. What you felt was just the wind. We were going pretty fast. And there wasn’t even a scratch. I checked.”Every Boy's Got One
— Meg Cabot
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
— Phyllis Diller
Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.
— Gail Carriger, Soulless
I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.
— George W. Bush
Caw! Caw, Hartley, caw!"Chase narrowed his eyes again."Sam?"I nodded. Then crossed to the window again and called down to Sam. "You can quit squawking. He caught me.
— Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool
Gideon laughed. "I like to be direct.""Okay," I said. "But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages." "I doubt it.""Human interaction is not my strong point," I told him. "Not seriously.""Seriously," I said. Thinking: There is so much about me he doesn't know. Gideon put his hand on my leg. "What's your strong point, then?""Goats," I told him. "I am excellent with goats.
— E. Lockhart, Real Live Boyfriends: Yes. Boyfriends, Plural. If My Life Weren't Complicated, I Wouldn't Be Ruby Oliver
Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
The waitress scuttles away, and I make a shooing motion at the old couple who’re still glaring. “Don’t you have something to better to work on?” I hiss. “Like golfing or eating prunes or dying?” The old lady looks shocked. “Okay, sorry, not dying. But seriously, prunes are good for you.
— Sara Wolf, Lovely Vicious
Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.
— Joss Whedon
Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.
— Janet Evanovich, One for the Money
Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?
— Robert Clark
I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.
— Orson Scott Card
I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
— Karl Pilkington
If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it!
— Mercedes Lackey, The Eagle & the Nightingales
I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.
— Jim Baen
CUSTOMER (to her friend): What's this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?
— Jen Campbell, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
We're on a mission from Glod.
— Terry Pratchett, Soul Music
I'm not tired. I'm just checking my eyelids for holes. It could take a while
— Suzanne Wright, Feral Sins
I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.
— Dorothy Parker
I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?''He's lost his marbles,' Ron muttered in Harry's ear.'Hagrid,' said Harry loudly, 'give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment.Hagrid bit his lip.'I- I know I can't jus' dump him, I can't.'Harry suddenly turned to Ron.'Charlie,' he said.'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
This was after stew. But then, so is everything. When the first man crawled out of the slime and went to make his home on land, what he had for dinner that night was stew.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
China is the same age as I am, and even I have to admit that she wears it better!" He laughed, then stopped and peered at her. "Because I'm a skeleton" he explained.
— Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant
If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Would I serve you or (Prince) Jon stolen goods? he asked. "No, don't answer me.
— Tamora Pierce
The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.
— Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger
I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.
— Albert Camus
There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap.And what would that be sir?Me
— Russell T. Davies
I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
— Clint Eastwood
Half my life is an act of revision.
— John Irving
We don’t hide crazy,” I said. “We put it on the porch and let it entertain the neighbors.
— Nick Wilgus, Shaking the Sugar Tree
If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .
— Joss Whedon
Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Retribution
England once there lived a bigAnd wonderfully clever pig.To everybody it was plainThat Piggy had a massive brain.He worked out sums inside his head,There was no book he hadn't read.He knew what made an airplane fly,He knew how engines worked and why.He knew all this, but in the endOne question drove him round the bend:He simply couldn't puzzle outWhat LIFE was really all about.What was the reason for his birth?Why was he placed upon this earth?His giant brain went round and round.Alas, no answer could be found.Till suddenly one wondrous night.All in a flash he saw the light.He jumped up like a ballet dancerAnd yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!""They want my bacon slice by slice"To sell at a tremendous price!"They want my tender juicy chops"To put in all the butcher's shops!"They want my pork to make a roast"And that's the part'll cost the most!"They want my sausages in strings!"They even want my chitterlings!"The butcher's shop! The carving knife!"That is the reason for my life!"Such thoughts as these are not designedTo give a pig great piece of mind.Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,A pail of pigswill in his hand,And piggy with a mighty roar,Bashes the farmer to the floor…Now comes the rather grizzly bitSo let's not make too much of it,Except that you must understandThat Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,He ate him up from head to toe,Chewing the pieces nice and slow.It took an hour to reach the feet,Because there was so much to eat,And when he finished, Pig, of course,Felt absolutely no remorse.Slowly he scratched his brainy headAnd with a little smile he said,"I had a fairly powerful hunch"That he might have me for his lunch."And so, because I feared the worst,"I thought I'd better eat him first.
— Roald Dahl
Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."No, I'm not," said Ani.Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?
— Shannon Hale
my sword reappeared in my pocket.yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door
— Rick Riordan
Beppu (n.)The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.
— Douglas Adams, The Deeper Meaning of Liff
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
— Steven Wright
The only way I can describe the extent of my anxiety is to say that I felt as if I were pregnant with a rock.
— Katharine Graham
never say never. whoops - said it twice
— Harry Hill
The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.
— Robert Clark
Gabriel shuffled around the trunk again, searching for faux arrows—arrows designed to injure but not kill. “All these arrows are sharp—and have blood on them.”“Yes, well, I left my cotton candy arrows at home next to my teddy bear.”Gabriel turned to Tristan. “We’re not going to kill that guy.”“We might.”“Tristan, that’s homicide.”“It’s self defense.”“It’s not self defense. He didn’t come after you.”“But he came after Scarlet. And, technically, Scarlet is a piece of me. So, yeah. It’s self-defense. Are you coming with me or not?”“I don’t want to kill him. I just want to hurt him. Or detain him.”“Or maybe you could just give him a big hug.”Tristan started marching into the woods. “You can stay there and clean weapons or whatever, but I’m going after our intruder.
— Chelsea Fine, Anew
Sighing dismally, she acknowledged that some things just weren't humanly possible - not even Martha Stewart could fold fitted sheets.
— Karen Marie Moning
Would you please just talk to me? Please?" Sally's voice was beginning to take on a high-pitched whine."Oh, good grief. For the love of healthy ears everywhere, quit your belly aching," Jen snapped, the clothes in her hands growing more wrinkled by the second. "Sally, there is nothing to talk about, okay? It is what it is."Sally threw her hands up in the air as she exhaled loudly. "No, it is not what it is, whatever the hell that means. It's a whole freaking lot more complicated than 'it is what it is.
— Quinn Loftis, Just One Drop
The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.
— Andrew McEwan
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!
— A.A. Bell, Diamond Eyes
Euthanasia" is an excellent and comforting word! I am grateful to whoever invented it.
— Bram Stoker, Dracula
I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.
— Yana Toboso, Black Butler, Vol. 3
Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in."Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth."Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking."What do you do for a living?" Brandon added."Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too."Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered.
— Crystal Rose, I'll Be Your Drill, Soldier
If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter."Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?""Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Invincible
Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C++ programmer.)
— Charles Stross, Overtime
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
— Quentin Crisp
... all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face.
— Kingsley Amis, Lucky Jim
Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.
— Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight
It's hard to maintain a reputation for being grim and mysterious when you're accompanied by a brightly clad young thing, skipping merrily along at your side, holding your hand, and smiling sweetly on one and all.
— Simon R. Green, The Unnatural Inquirer
I don't know the rules of grammar. If you're trying to persuade people to do something, or buy something, it seems to me you should use their language.
— David Ogilvy
Advertising - A judicious mixture of flattery and threats.
— Stephen Leacock
If I wanted you to understand, I would explain it better.
— Johan Cruyff
Gemma Davidson,” she answered, her voice as groggy as I felt. “Where are you?” I asked. “Who is this?” “Elvis.” “What time is it?” “Hammer time?” “Charley.” “Did you text me? Did your car break down?” “No and no. Why are you doing this to me?” She was funny. “Check your cell.” I heard a loud, sleepy sigh, some rustling of sheets, then, “It won’t come on.” “Not at all?” “No. What did you do to it?” “I ate it for breakfast. Check the battery compartment.” “Where the hell is that?” “Um, behind the battery door.” “Are you punking me?” I heard her fumbling with the phone. “Gem, if I was going to punk you, I wouldn't simply turn off your phone. I would pour honey in your hair while you slept. Or, you know, something like that.” “That was you?” she asked, appalled.
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
The weather had freshened almost to coldness, for the wind was coming more easterly, from the chilly currents between Tristan and the Cape; the sloth was amazed by the change; it shunned the deck and spent its time below. Jack was in his cabin, pricking the chart with less satisfaction than he could have wished: progress, slow, serious trouble with the mainmast-- unaccountable headwinds by night-- and sipping a glass of grog; Stephen was in the mizentop, teaching Bonden to write and scanning the sea for his first albatross. The sloth sneezed, and looking up, Jack caught its gaze fixed upon him; its inverted face had an expression of anxiety and concern. 'Try a piece of this, old cock,' he said, dipping his cake in the grog and proffering the sop. 'It might put a little heart into you.' The sloth sighed, closed its eyes, but gently absorbed the piece, and sighed again. Some minutes later he felt a touch upon his knee: the sloth had silently climbed down and it was standing there, its beady eyes looking up into his face, bright with expectation. More cake, more grog: growing confidence and esteem. After this, as soon as the drum had beat the retreat, the sloth would meet him, hurrying toward the door on its uneven legs: it was given its own bowl, and it would grip it with its claws, lowering its round face into it and pursing its lips to drink (its tongue was too short to lap). Sometimes it went to sleep in this position, bowed over the emptiness. 'In this bucket,' said Stephen, walking into the cabin, 'in this small half-bucket, now, I have the population of Dublin, London, and Paris combined: these animalculae-- what is the matter with the sloth?' It was curled on Jack's knee, breathing heavily: its bowl and Jack's glass stood empty on the table. Stephen picked it up, peered into its affable bleary face, shook it, and hung it upon its rope. It seized hold with one fore and one hind foot, letting the others dangle limp, and went to sleep. Stephen looked sharply round, saw the decanter, smelt to the sloth, and cried, 'Jack, you have debauched my sloth.
— Patrick O'Brian, H.M.S. Surprise
Allegra's Austen wrote about the impact of financial need on the intimate lives of women. If she'd worked in a bookstore, Allegra would have shelved Austen in the horror section.
— Karen Joy Fowler, The Jane Austen Book Club
He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his family's presence was turning the locals into giant dogs.
— Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse
The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her.Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this:Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place?Witch: Go suck yourself.Riley: Maybe later. Meeting?Witch: Enjoy death.Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part.Witch: May I recommend a finger?Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands.
— Gena Showalter, Unraveled
Merry Christmas!
— John Paul II
Amy: Pond and her boys . . . my poncho boys. If we're going to die, let's die looking like a peruvian folk band.
— Simon Nye
My patience has dreadful chilblains from standing so long on a monument.
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Letters of Elizabeth Barrett Browning to Mary Russell Mitford, 1836-1854
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
— Steven Wright