c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
There was a dragon who had a long-standing obsession with a queen's breasts," she said, growing breathless. "The dragon knew the penalty to touch her would mean death, yet he revealed his secret desire to the king's chief doctor. This man promised he could arrange for the dragon to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him one thousand gold coins." She spread her soapy hands over his nipples, then down his arms. "Though he didn't have the money, the dragon readily agreed to the scheme."Grace," Darius moaned, his erection straining against her stomach.She hid her smile, loving that she had this much power over such a strong man. That she, Grace Carlyle, made him ache with longing. "The next day the physician made a batch of itching powder and poured some into the queen's bra… uh, you might call it a brassiere… while she bathed. After she dressed, she began itching and itching and itching. The physician was summoned to the Royal Chambers, and he informed the king and queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch. And only a dragon possessed this special saliva." Out of breath, she paused.Continue," Darius said. His arms wound around her so tightly she could barely breathe. His skin blazed hot against hers, hotter than even the steamy water.Are you sure?"Continue." Taut lines bracketed his mouth.Well, the king summoned the dragon. Meanwhile, the physician slipped him the antidote for the itching powder, which the dragon put into his mouth, and for the next few hours, the dragon worked passionately on the queen's breasts.Anyway," she said, reaching around him and lathering the muscled mounds of his butt, "the queen's itching was eventually relieved, and the dragon left satisfied and touted as a hero."This does not sound like a joke," Darius said.I'm getting to the punch line. Hang on. When the physician demanded his payment, the now satisfied dragon refused. He knew that the physician could never report what really happened to the king. So the next day, the physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's loincloth. And the king immediately summoned the dragon."-Heart of the Dragon
— Gena Showalter
My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities...like the ability to behave myself.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.
— Jim Butcher, Grave Peril
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 
— W.C. Fields
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
— Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain
From: Anastasia SteeleSubject: MoaningDate: May 31 2011 19:39 ESTTo: Christian GreyGotta go.Laters, baby......From: Christian GreySubject: PlagiarismDate: May 31 2011 16:41To: Anastasia SteeleYou stole my line.And left me hanging.Enjoy your dinner.Christian GreyCEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
— E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.
— Reduced Shakespeare Company, The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr
The secret to humor is surprise.
— Aristotle
People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.
— Anne Bishop, Written in Red
Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
I hate girls that giggle all the time... You hate any girl that David looks at.
— Audrey Hepburn
Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.
— Jim Butcher, Blood Rites
You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
— Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
— Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...
— Simon R. Green, Nightingale's Lament
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
— Steven Wright
Rejection is one thing - but rejection from a fool is cruel.
— Morrissey
See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!""Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical.
— Rachel Hill, A Girl's Guide to Guys: Meeting Them, Managing Them and All That Love Stuff
There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.
— Arthur Conan Doyle, The Red Headed League
I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.
— Jim Butcher, My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding
This is me.’" He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first.
— David Nicholls, One Day
Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.
— Norman Mailer
Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I'm the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!!Rukia: Wha--wha'd you say? A rescuer isn't supposed to ignore the rescuee!Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why don't you go sit in a corner and tremble in fear and cry out "Save me! Save me!" like you're supposed to?! tremble!
— Tite Kubo
Monkeys can't talk, stupid!
— Jeff Kinney, Rodrick Rules
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
— Cory Doctorow
Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle.
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
— Steven Wright
Hale." Kat sighed. "The headmaster's car? Really? That's not to cliched for you?"What can I say?" He shrugged. "I'm an old-fashioned guy. Besides, it's a classic for a reason." He leaned against the window. "It's good to see you, Kat."Kat didn't know what to say. It's good to see you, too? Thanks for getting me kicked out? Is it possible you've gotten even hotter? I think I might have missed you?
— Ally Carter
Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking...a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards.
— Sophie Kinsella
I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you.
— D.J. MacHale, Raven Rise
When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires
— Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.I turned around and ran like hell.
— Jim Butcher, Death Masks
How long have you been a Wiccan?''A what?''A pagan. A witch.''I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.'Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?''Wizard has a Z'He looked at me blankly.'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.
— Jim Butcher, Death Masks
To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend… I suppose I ought to have realize it’s ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship.
— Robert   Harris
Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen
All right, then,” she snapped, “do as you please! Perhaps afterward we could manage a coherent discussion.” Twisting beneath him, she flopped onto her stomach.Christopher went still. After a long hesitation, she heard him ask in a far more normal voice, “What are you doing?”“I’m making it easier for you,” came her defiant reply. “Go on, start ravishing.”Another silence. Then, “Why are you facing downward?”“Because that’s how it’s done.” Beatrix twisted to look at him over her shoulder. A twinge of uncertainty caused her to ask, “Isn’t it?”His face was blank. “Has no one ever told you?”“No, but I’ve read about it.” Christopher rolled off her, relieving her of his weight. He wore an odd expression as he asked, “From what books?”“Veterinary manuals. And of course, I’ve observed the squirrels in springtime, and farm animals and-”She was interrupted as Christopher cleared his throat loudly, and again. Darting a confused glance at him, she realized that he was trying to choke back amusement.Beatrix began to feel indignant. Her first time in a bed with a man, and he was laughing.“Look here,” she said in a businesslike manner, “I’ve read about the mating habits of over two dozen species, and with the exception of snails, whose genitalia is on their necks, they all—” She broke off and frowned. “Why are you laughing at me?Christopher had collapsed, overcome with hilarity. As he lifted his head and saw her affronted expression, he struggled manfully with another outburst. “Beatrix. I’m . . . I’m not laughing at you.”“You are!”“No I’m not. It’s just . . .” He swiped a tear from the corner of his eye, and a few more chuckles escaped. “Squirrels . . .”“Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.
— Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon
And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.
— Meg Cabot, Abandon
I looked to the ceiling and told God, “God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
— Kristen Ashley, The Gamble
The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.
— Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
— Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Shuck it,” Minho responded. “I’m tougher than nails. I could still kick your pony-lovin’ butt with twice this pain.” Thomas shrugged. “I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
Grandfather informs me that is not possible.
— Jonathan Safran Foer
You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!
— Jim Butcher, Small Favor
What's up?" [asked Ford.]"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there.
— Douglas Adams
"Don't be scared of Bambi" the demon said. "She's only curious and maybe a little bit hungry."?
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, White Hot Kiss
Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, "Hey, if you've got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It's an original."Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy.
— Jim Butcher, Changes
Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”“I am not a tree.” Iarlath looked angry, his bark peeling slightly.
— Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight
We?" Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?""What, bored with my company already?"  "Let me ask you something," Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?""What was that?" Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.
— John Locke
Kyo: Of course, I'll beat YOU, too!Yuki: Don't you ever get tired of saying that?Kyo: Beating you is my vocation! It's my goal in life!Yuki: It's so unfair that I keep having to take abuse just because you can't meet your goals.Kyo: THAT CONDESCENDING ATTITUDE OF YOURS REALLY PISSES ME OFF!Yuki: And that revolting thought process of yours pisses me off.
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 1
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
— Steven Wright
Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I've got big plans, so break time is over. 
— Brian Andreas
Tessa: I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"Will: "I've never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn't like it.""But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children
—  it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.
It's the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can't watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health.
— Daniel Quinn, Ishmael
The shortest distance between two people is a smile.
— Victor Borge
It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves in the Morning
His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. 
— Jennifer Crusie, Charlie All Night
Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.
— Lemony Snicket
There is a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, a wooden stake, a hammer, a blob of Silly Putty, and a pocketknife. “You do realize these people aren’t vampires, right?” I say when Sam walks back in. “Yeah, but you never know. They’re probably crazy, like you said.” “And even if we were hunting vampires, what the hell is the Silly Putty for?” He shrugs. “Just want to be prepared.
— Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four
Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....
— George Bernard Shaw, Music in London
I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …Are you laughing at me?”“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get soexcited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows.
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
There's a Polar BearIn our Frigidaire--He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.With his seat in the meatAnd his face in the fishAnd his big hairy pawsIn the buttery dish,He's nibbling the noodles,And munching the rice,He's slurping the soda,He's licking the ice.And he lets out a roarIf you open the door.And it gives me a scareTo know he's in there--That Polary BearIn our Fridgitydaire.
— Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
— Steven Wright
Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris. "Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.
— Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones
Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?
— Tom Upton, Just Plain Weird
He leaned forward to inspect her closer. "Is that all hair?"... Sudden, overwhelming panic clawed up Cress's throat. With a squeak, she ducked out of view of the camera and scrambled beneath the desk. Her back struck the wall with a thud that rattled her teeth. She crouched there, skin burning hot and pulse thundering as she took in the room before her— the room that he was now seeing too, with the rumpled bedcovers and the mustached man on all the screens telling her to grab her imaginary partner and swing them around."Wha—where'd she go?" Thorne's voice came to her through the screen."Honestly, Thorne." A girl. Linh Cinder? "Do you ever think before you speak?""What? What did I say?"" 'Is that all hair?' ""Did you see it? It was like a cross between a magpie nest and ball of yarn after it's been mauled by a cheetah."A beat. Then, "A cheetah?""It was the first big cat that came to mind.
— Marissa Meyer, Cress
Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?""Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see.
— J.D. Robb, Promises in Death
Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
— Eoin Colfer
The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – ""Plumbers?"" – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
To Garan's credit, the treatment of Dellian prisoners did change after that. One particularly laconic man, after a session in which Fire learned positively nothing, thanked her for it specifically. "Best dungeons I ever been in," he said, chewing on a toothpick."Wonderful," Garan grumbled when he had gone. "We'll grow a reputation for our kindness to lawbreakers.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said. 
— Brian Andreas
Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
— Ambrose Bierce
Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn't have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children.
— Rick Riordan
In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
— Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad
Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.
— Edgar Allan Poe, Ne Pariez Jamais Votre Tête Au Diable Et Autres Contes Non Traduits Par Baudelaire
Computers are like Old Testament gods
—  lots of rules and no mercy.
Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)
— Kresley Cole, Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night
Nozy Cat lifted one sleepy eyelid, and his marble blue eye glared at her for interrupting his sacred nap. He wore a yellow collar with little red stars printed on it. His second eyelid also opened, and he gave them his irritated blue-eyed glare.
— Lyn Key, Nozy Cat 1
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
— Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.
— Marjane Satrapi, Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Izzy, are you—” he began. His eyes flew wide, and he backed up fast enough to smack his head into the wall behind him. “What is he doing here?”Isabelle tugged her tank top back down and glared at her brother. “You don’t knock now?”“It—It’s my bedroom!” Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position. Simon rolled quickly off Isabelle, who sat up, brushing herself off as if for lint. Simon sat up more slowly, trying to hold the torn edges of his shirt together. “Why are all my clothes on the floor?” Alec said.“I was trying to find something for Simon to wear,” Isabelle explained. “Maureen put him in leather pants and a puffy shirt because he was being her romance-novel slave.”“He was being her what?”“Her romance-novel slave,” Isabelle repeated, as if Alec were being particularly dense.Alec shook his head as if he were having a bad dream. “You know what? Don’t explain. Just—put your clothes on, both of you.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire
Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
— Bill Watterson
I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.
— Graham Parke, Unspent Time
When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
— David Sedaris
I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Griggs." Anson Choi feigns surprise. "What's her name?""I didn't actually catch her name," Griggs continues."Lily," Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways look."Great to know that I'm in love with a girl with a cool name.""It's Taylor's middle name," Raffaela calls back again.
— Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road
As we all know, blinking lights means science.
— Joss Whedon
I am ever a gentle maiden," she shouted. "Damn if I'm not.
— Julie Garwood, Honor's Splendour
With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled "Females" and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.
— Loretta Chase, Lord of Scoundrels
Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?
— P.C. Cast
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, The Killing Dance
Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.) 
— Greg Behrendt
The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.It's my letter,' she began. 'I cannot make it right.'Come in, come in,' the Prince said gently. 'Maybe we can help you.' She sat down in the same chair as before. 'All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me.'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' She looked at Humperdinck. 'Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!
— Bill Watterson, Something Under the Bed is Drooling: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.
— A.A. Milne
Merlin’s beard.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Electricity is really just organized lightning
— George Carlin
That's ridiculous." Especially the part about Christian being manly.
— Richelle Mead, Spirit Bound
I can't give a Professor love!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
— George Carlin
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? 
— Dave Barry
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.
— Ogden Nash
Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.
— Nelson DeMille, The General's Daughter
Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.
— Shannon Hale, River Secrets
... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
— Stephen Colbert
Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
— Patricia Briggs, Silver Borne
It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin.
— Jessica Day George
Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye."Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king.
— Lauren Kate
That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!
— Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool
TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
— Ramon Bautista, Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?
Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?"I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said.My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out.
— Janet Evanovich
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
— Steven Wright
Thomas: Is it [my brain] fixed?Brenda: It worked, judging from the fact that you're not trying to kill us anymore...
— James Dashner, The Death Cure
Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.
— Banksy
Was he a good kisser, Ms. Lane?” Barrons asked, watching me carefully.I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand at the memory. “It was like being owned.”Some women like that.”Not me.”Perhaps it depends on the man doing the owning.”I doubt it. I couldn’t breathe with him kissing me.”One day you may kiss a man you can’t breathe without, and find breath is of little consequence.”Right, and one day my prince might come.”I doubt he’ll be a prince, Ms. Lane. Men rarely are.
— Karen Marie Moning, Bloodfever
Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.
— Ilona Andrews, On the Edge
Her majesty is one verb short of a sentence.
— Jasper Fforde, Lost in a Good Book
Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.
— Ann Coulter, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
Millard! Who's the prime minister?""Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?""What's the capital of Burma?""Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?""Good! When's your birthday?""Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
— Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
— Erma Bombeck
When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.Yeah. We were badasses.
— Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
— George Carlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
— Jerry Seinfeld
If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.
— Jim Butcher, Changes
Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.
— Bo Burnham, Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone
A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans,” the man said.
— Brandon Mull, The Candy Shop War
I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
— Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere
I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably lusts for her. But if he loves her, it’s a shallow love. You want proof?” Cagney didn’t wait for Dr. Victor to say yay or nay.“Soon after meeting her for the first time, he realizes he forgot to ask her for her name. Can true love be founded upon such shallow acquaintance? I don’t think so. And at the end, when he thinks she’s dead, he finds no comfort in living out the remainder of his life within the paradigm of his love, at least keeping alive the memory of what they had briefly shared, even if it was no more than illusion, or more accurately, hormonal.“Those of us watching events unfold from the darkness know she merely lies in slumber. But does he seek the reason for her life-like appearance? No. Instead he accuses Death of amorousness, convinced that the ‘lean abhorred monster’ endeavors to keep Juliet in her present state, her cheeks flushed, so that she might cater to his own dissolute desires. But does Romeo hold her in his arms one last time and feel the warmth of her blood still coursing through her veins? Does he pinch her to see if she might awaken? Hold a mirror to her nose to see if her breath fogs it? Once, twice, three times a ‘no.’”Cagney sighed, listened to the leather creak as he shifted his weight in his chair.“No,” he repeated. “His alleged love is so superficial and selfish that he seeks to escape the pain of loss by taking his own life. That’s not love, but obsessive infatuation. Had they wed—Juliet bearing many children, bonding, growing together, the masks of the star-struck teens they once were long ago cast away, basking in the comforting campfire of a love born of a lifetime together, not devoured by the raging forest fire of youth that consumes everything and leaves behind nothing—and she died of natural causes, would Romeo have been so moved to take his own life, or would he have grieved properly, for her loss and not just his own?
— J. Conrad Guest, The Cobb Legacy
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
— T.S. Eliot
The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.
— David Foster Wallace
Falling in love is painful on the knees.
— Jon Bon Jovi
Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.
— The Kinks
Dear God in heaven.”  Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”  “Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
— Shelly Laurenston, Here Kitty, Kitty!
Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.Marvin droned,Now the world has gone to bed,Darkness won't engulf my head,I can see in infrared,He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.Now I lay me down to sleep,Try to count electric sheep,Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
— Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
She seemed to be a nice person, too, instead of a homicidal bitch like his former wife. Otherwise, the world should fear. When Mencheres fell for a woman, he fell hard. If Kira asked for her own continent as a birthday present, Mencheres would probably have one conquered for her before she blew out her candles.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.
— Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened
The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Garrick was panting when he replied, “You’re not forcing me to do anything. I just want you to be sure. You can say stop at anytime.” His lips pulled wide. “You don’t need to make up a new pet.
— Cora Carmack, Losing It
It'd Be a Lot Cooler If You Did.
— Matthew McConaughey
Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs. "These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations.""All natural!" Fleecy chimed in."I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
What's that?""That's my attack poodle.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear
Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."Myles: "In Paris."Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"Beckett: "Itchy what?
— Eoin Colfer
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
— Stephen Colbert
Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.
— Augusten Burroughs, Possible Side Effects
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
— Terry Pratchett, Soul Music
Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way."It's three thirty in the morning.""Okay. Want coffee?
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.
— Shannon Hale
This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.
— Hunter S. Thompson, Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Plans are invitation to disappointment.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.
— G.K. Chesterton
A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?
— Roald Dahl, The BFG
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
— Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job
Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
— Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars
I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated
I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Heaven, Texas
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it
— Alexandre Dumas
…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
— Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart
No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought?--Poirot
— Agatha Christie, One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Normal" is just a setting on your dryer.
— Patsy Clairmont
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
— Mark Twain, Speeches
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
— Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
— Dave Barry
You thought I was a werewolf?" Dervish asks."Yes" I answer hollowly."You ass.
— Darren Shan, Lord Loss
I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.
— C.B. Cook, Twinepathy
Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.
— Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum
Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
— Langston Hughes
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
— George Lucas
In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.
— Jim Butcher, Dead Beat
Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.
— Seth Grahame-Smith, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar.
— Terry Pratchett, Going Postal
I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.
— Mary Ann Shaffer
My capacity for happiness," he added, "you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-''Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.'Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it.
— Ally Carter, Only the Good Spy Young
I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
— Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident
I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. 
— George Carlin
Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
— Erin Hunter, Firestar's Quest
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
— Jasper Fforde, Lost in a Good Book
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.
— Morrissey
Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!
— Taylor Swift
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition ofthe word "Infinite".Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, atotally stunning size, "wow, that's big", time. Infinity is just sobig that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy.Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringlyhuge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
since i will not send this, i also feel it is my duty to inform you that almost six months on I think I still love you and that makes me sad becaue love shouldn’t feel this way. is like getting kicked in the stomach every time i think of you and it makes me want to roll my face across this keyboardbiu;///ubEWdcfhugiov’byhi;.//////-=‘-0i9juh8ygtfdcsaazs34defg7uefg7u8hi9o0p8hi9o0p-[[09ju8dcsaazs34d9o0p-[[09.
— Jay Kristoff, Illuminae
You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Heaven, Texas
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. 
— Dave Barry
Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
— Claudia Gray, Stargazer
Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.
— Carolyn G. Heilbrun, Death in a Tenured Position
For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
— Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
— Henry Kissinger
You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog."COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED
— Ernest Cline, Ready Player One
I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Obsidian Butterfly
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.
— Steuart Henderson Britt, Marketing Management and Administrative Action
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
— Erma Bombeck
I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.
— Michael  Grant, Gone
Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.
— Moira Young, Blood Red Road
OK," Josh said evenly, "I've seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?" he wondered aloud.Don't be ridiculous," Flamel snapped, "They're rats."Josh really didn't think it was a ridiculous suggestion.
— Michael Scott, The Alchemyst
How are you feeling?"I leaned away from him. "Gross."Aiden frowned. "Gross?""I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."He laughed. "Alex, come on.""Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."I stared at him. He must not get out much.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Deity
Do you find this...distracting?
— Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?
— Ally Carter
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
— Cecelia Ahern
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
— George Deacon
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Timequake
Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house." Simon pointed at Jace.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
You can run from the grave, but you can't hide.
— Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave