c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Tayla cursed under her breath. "I was just explaining to Eidolon that Sin is a Smurfette."Wraith swung his big body around to study Sin with blue eyes that were very different from Shade's, E's. and Lore's. Sin's, too. "Nah. Smurfette is way hotter.""What the fuck is a Smurfette?" Eidolon was seriously getting annoyed now."There's this cartoon called The Smurfs," Tayla explained, slowly, as though Eidolon were the child here."They're these little blue people, and they're all male. But one day a female shows up. She shouldn't exist, but she does."Eidolon considered that for a second. "How did she get there?""An evil wizard named Gargamel made her," Tayla said. "In a lab or something.""So you're suggesting that an evil wizard made Sin?""Of course not, silly. I'm just saying she's a Smurfette. A lone female amongst males."Eidolon frowned. "Did the Smurfette mate with the males?""Dude." Wraith grimaced. "It's a cartoon.
— Larissa Ione, Ecstasy Unveiled
Snoring keeps the monsters away.
— Judy Blume, Fudge-a-Mania
You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.
— Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation
...[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American 'Labour Union' in that among other things, it treated working women with complete equality. While in this respect the English, and still more the gallant French, are burdened with a spirit of narrow-mindedness. Anybody who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without the feminine ferment. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex (the ugly ones included).
— Karl Marx, Selected Letters: The Personal Correspondence 1844-1877
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.
— David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
— Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.
— Marian Keyes, The Other Side of the Story
Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.""Evvy and I have an understanding." She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. "She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.
— Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones
Peter to Austin:"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.
— Dani Alexander, Shattered Glass
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. 
— Dave Barry
I like pink."Lucius sniffed. "It's just red's sorry, weak cousin.
— Beth Fantaskey, Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
— Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
I have detected disturbances in the wash.''The wash?''The space-time wash.''Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?''Eddies in the space-time continuum.''Ah...is he. Is he.''What?''Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
— Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
I wish we could make out in your bed."Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct.""It's always something.""Isn't it though?
— Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?""I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unleashed
Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled.
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations," said Ron, to general astonishment.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.
— Brandon Mull, Grip of the Shadow Plague
Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth
— Augusten Burroughs, Running with Scissors
Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle
— Tamora Pierce, The Realms of the Gods
When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.
— Patricia Briggs, Masques
How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Ow! My brains!
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can't hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don't see the big picture.
— Chuck Klosterman, Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas
Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?
— Jim Butcher, Small Favor
It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
— Gideon J. Tucker
Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
— Rita Davenport
Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.
— Patricia Briggs, Iron Kissed
Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell."I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.
— Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex
I didn't think about being king,” he said, his voice hoarse.Eddis stared. “Your capacity to land yourself in a mess because you didn't think first, Eugenides, will never cease to amaze me. What do you mean you didn't think about being king? Is Attolia going to marry you and move into my library?
— Megan Whalen Turner, The Queen of Attolia
Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.
— Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic
Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.
— Sophie Kinsella, Twenties Girl
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
— Steven Wright
Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands."She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?
— Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
To me, nudity is a joke. I don't think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be the standard thing. Imagine, stripping a woman down, and she has a body like a little submarine. With periscope, propellers, torpedoes. That would be the one for me. I'd marry her right off and be faithful to the end.
— Charles Bukowski
I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.
— Albert Camus, A Happy Death
Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me.
— Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart
Go ahead. You're not going to walk in on anyone. I'm home alone.""The whole night?"Immediately, I realized it might not have been the smartest thing to say. "Dorothea will be coming soon." That was a lie. Dorothea was long gone. It was close to midnight."Dorothea?""Our housekeeper. She's old- but strong. Very strong." I tried to squeeze past him. Unsuccessfully."Sounds frightening," he said, retrieving the key from the lock. He held it out for me. "She can clean a toilet inside and out in under a minute. More like terrifying.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
— Amy Sedaris, Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People
Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.
— Robert A. Heinlein
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
— David Sedaris
You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist
— Christopher Paolini, Brisingr
Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.
— Flannery O'Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
— Steve Martin
Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.
— Chetan Bhagat, 2 States: The Story of My Marriage
Punctuation, is? fun!
— Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.
— Kristin Hannah, Firefly Lane
I’m going to tell you something once and then whether you die is strictly up to you," Westley said, lying pleasantly on the bed. "What I’m going to tell you is this: drop your sword, and if you do, then I will leave with this baggage here"—he glanced at Buttercup—"and you will be tied up but not fatally, and will be free to go about your business. And if you choose to fight, well, then, we will not both leave alive."You are only alive now because you said 'to the pain.' I want that phrase explained."My pleasure. To the pain means this: if we duel and you win, death for me. If we duel and I win, life for you. But life on my terms. The first thing you lose will be your feet. Below the ankle. You will have stumps available to use within six months. Then your hands, at the wrists. They heal somewhat quicker. Five months is a fair average. Next your nose. No smell of dawn for you. Followed by your tongue. Deeply cut away. Not even a stump left. And then your left eye—"And then my right eye, and then my ears, and shall we get on with it?" the Prince said.Wrong!" Westley’s voice rang across the room. "Your ears you keep, so that every shriek of every child shall be yours to cherish—every babe that weeps in fear at your approach, every woman that cries 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will reverberate forever with your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means that I leave you in anguish, in humiliation, in freakish misery until you can stand it no more; so there you have it, pig, there you know, you miserable vomitous mass, and I say this now, and live or die, it’s up to you: Drop your sword!"The sword crashed to the floor.
— William Goldman
Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 1
Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.
— Janet Evanovich
Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.
— James Joyce
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
— Scott Adams
The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse
— Bill Watterson, It's a Magical World: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.
— Jeaniene Frost, At Grave's End
Another relative?" Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin."--Valek and Moon Man
— Maria V. Snyder, Magic Study
There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.
— Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?""No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?""Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.""Stop making up names for him.""What about Count Crackula?""Just stop.
— Rachel Caine, Last Breath
So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Did you eat my Twinkies?"She gulped. Keeping her eyes glued to the whip, she said, "Exactly what Twinkies are we talking about?""The Twinkies in the cupboard over the sink. The only Twinkies in the trailer." His fingers convulsed around the coils of leather.Oh, Lord, she thought. Flayed to death for a Twinkle."Well?""It, uh — it won't happen again, I promise you. But they didn't have any special marking on them, so there was no way I could tell they were yours." Her eyes remained riveted on the whip. "And normally I wouldn't have eaten them— I never eat junk food-—but I was hungry last night, and, well, when you think about it, you'll have to admit I did you a favor because they're clogging my arteries now instead of yours."His voice was quiet. Too quiet. In her mind she heard the howl of a rampaging Cossack baying at a Russian moon. "Don't touch my Twinkies. Ever. If you want Twinkies, buy your own.
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Kiss an Angel
Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said.
— Rachel Caine, Fade Out
I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.
— Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down
ligion is the opiate of the masses." "I did masses of opiates religiously.
— Carrie Fisher, Postcards from the Edge
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright
Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.
— H.L. Mencken, A Little Book in C Major
Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let's unleash her rage. Great idea.
— Rick Riordan
I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...I've got a theor-Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposesThey've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.And what's with all the carrots-?What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!...or maybe midgets...
— Joss Whedon
Emergency dance party--go away.
— Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl
To err is human, to purr is feline.
— Robert Byrne, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
— Dave Barry
There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.
— Garrison Keillor, Pontoon
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
— T.H. White, The Once and Future King
First Pallas and now you,” the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. “It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.
— Julie James, A Lot like Love
You saw my leg?""How can a man help what he sees?" he said. "And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.
— Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.
— David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases
— John Irving, The World According to Garp
Merda! Her lace panties had snagged on his ring, the signet ring he'd inherited from his father, Giacomo Casanova. His father had seduced hundred of women without any problems whatsoever, and he was having trouble with just one. This was the real reason he never used the Casanova name. He could never live up to his father's reputation. The old man was probably laughing in his grave.Nine circles of hell," Jack muttered.Hell?" Lara asked. "I thought I was the Holy Land."You're paradise. Unfortunately, I am stuck there."Her eyes widened. "Stuck?"Normally, I would love being stuck to your lovely bum, but it would look odd if we go sightseeing with my hand under your skirt. Especially in the basilica."She glanced down. "How can you be stuck?"My ring. It's caught in the lace. See?" He moved his hand down her hip, dragging her undies down a few inches.Okay, stop." She bit her lip, frowning, then suddenly giggled. "I can't believe this has happened."I assure you, as much as I had hoped to get your clothes off, this was not part of my original plan."She snorted. "No problem. Just rip yourself loose."Are you sure?" It will destroy you undies."She narrowed her eyes with a seductuve look. "Rip it."Very well." He jerked his hand away, but the panties came with him. He yanked his hand back and forth, but the lacy, latex material simply stretched with him. "Santo cielo, they are indestructible."Lara laughed.He continued to wage battle, but to no avail. "They could use this material to build spaceships.
— Kerrelyn Sparks, Secret Life of a Vampire
I’ve been thinking.” “A dangerous pursuit.” “Indeed.
— Victoria Schwab, The Archived
It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.
— Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary
I know how to use a fellytone now.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
And spare me the jokes about scoring.""Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?""It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts.""So, ninety-five percent of the time.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
— Chelsea Handler
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
— Steven Wright
Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many."  " I never thought about it quite that way."  Well, you're a man. " She gave his knee a friendly pat.
— Nora Roberts, Daring to Dream
Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright."Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Don't run I never liked fast food
— Rachel Caine
Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?
— Ann  Lloyd, National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
— Steve Martin
No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.
— Ilona Andrews, On the Edge
If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.
— P.B. Kerr, The Blue Djinn of Babylon
Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.
— Lewis Carroll, The Annotated Alice: The Definitive Edition
I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
— Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox
You look disappointed to see me, Zach," Macey teased. "Don't you like my jacket?
— Ally Carter, Only the Good Spy Young
I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. "Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren't winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon... except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help."Okay, superpower might be pushing it.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Summoning
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
— Steve Martin
She frowned at me. "You need some rest. You look like hell. And you're obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles."Wizards don't giggle," I said, hardly able to speak. "This is cackling.
— Jim Butcher, Changes
We need to gather everyone we can.Damien scoffed. Uh, boss, hate to be a pall, but I think everyone we can gather is currently in this room.Sin paused to look at Simi, Xirena, Damien, Kat, Kish, and Xypher. It was a pitiful number of defenders. But it was all the world had. In that case, we need to seriously arm ourselves.Damien crossed himself. Hail Mary, full of grace-What are you doing? Kish asked. You're not Catholic.Yeah but I'm feeling really religious all of a sudden and it seemed like a good idea.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry
Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.
— Colleen Houck, Tiger's Quest
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain
I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)
— Elizabeth Peters, Crocodile on the Sandbank
She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.
— Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton
I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.
— Jim Butcher, Small Favor
I don't understand how people canstand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They're going crazy, screaming. They can't take it that you're there. But last year I was in the same club,walking around,lonely like a motherfucker. Couldn't get a date or a dance. I was too skinny, too something,and now, "He's just adorable. He's just, oh!
— Tupac Shakur, Resurrection, 1971-1996
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
— Bill Watterson
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
— Bill Cosby
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 
— Charles M. Schulz
What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.
— Wendelin Van Draanen, Flipped
Claire was struggling through last summer’s diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles, black leather gloves, and a black and silver walking stick with a dragon’s head on it. And, on his lapel was a button that said, If you can read this, thank a teacher.
— Rachel Caine, Fade Out
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
— Ellen DeGeneres
One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA.
— Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger
You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil' Demons lunch box. I left him alive - partly because he had a cool lunch box...
— Rick Riordan
I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes
When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.
— Winston S. Churchill
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
— Ronald Reagan
Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.
— Nalini Singh, Branded by Fire
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
— Tallulah Bankhead
I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat. “Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap. Awesome.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays
No. Don't distract me with your sexy talk.
— Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.
— Peter Cameron, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You
This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.
— Winston S. Churchill
People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.
— Tite Kubo
My bookcase is all yours."I walked to the door. "I've just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.
— Kasie West, Pivot Point
Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.
— Tom Upton, Tiny Voices
And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag.
— Scott Westerfeld, Leviathan
I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me. I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first." ~Cassandra Palmer
— Karen Chance, Hunt the Moon
I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.
— Kathy Griffin
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. 
— Jerry Seinfeld
Wrath: What the hell are you supposed to ask?Rhage: I know! Who do you like the most? It's me right?Come on, you know it is. Come oooooonnnnn-Butch: If its you,, I'll kill myself.V: No, that just means she's blind.Rhage: It has to be me.V: She said she didn't like you at first.Rhage: Ah, but I won her over, which is more than anyone else can say about you, hot stuff.J.R.: I don't like anyone the bestWrath: Right answer.Rhage: She's just sparing all of you feelings. (grins, becoming impossibly handsome) She's so polite.J.R.: Next question?Rhage: Why do you like me the best?
— J.R. Ward, The Black Dagger Brotherhood: An Insider's Guide
Anyway.I’m not allowed to watch TV, although I am allowed to rent documentaries that are approved for me, and I can read anything I want. My favorite book is A Brief History of Time, even though I haven’t actually finished it, because the math is incredibly hard and Mom isn’t good at helping me. One of my favorite parts is the beginning of the first chapter, where Stephen Hawking tells about a famous scientist who was giving a lecture about how the earth orbits the sun, and the sun orbits the solar system, and whatever. Then a woman in the back of the room raised her hand and said, “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.” So the scientist asked her what the tortoise was standing on. And she said, “But it’s turtles all the way down!”I love that story, because it shows how ignorant people can be. And also because I love tortoises.
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.
— Jerome K. Jerome
I have never read The Joy of Crap. Sounds disgusting. I have, however, read The Joy of Sex. Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
I didn't do anyting wrong. All I know is I saw two people struggling to get inside these walls and they [Minho and Alby] couldn't make it. To ignore that because of some stupid rule seemed selfish, cowardly, and... well, stupid. If you want to throw me in jail for trying to save someone's [Alby] life, then go ahead. Next time I promise I'll point at them and laugh, then go eat some of Frypan's dinner. -Thomas
— James Dashner, The Maze Runner
There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.
— Jeff Kinney, The Last Straw
I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either. 
— Brian Andreas
Excruciating agony makes me cranky.
— Brandon Mull, Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
— Noel Fielding
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
— George W. Bush
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
— Steve Martin
Babe!
— Janet Evanovich
What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
— Charles Bukowski, Hot Water Music
So, Belle, what's new today?"Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.
— The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody
Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.
— Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily
I always listen to you. Except when I don't.
— Maggie Stiefvater, Forever
Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.
— Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels
Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said...
— P.C. Cast
Pranks vs school= pranks win all day
— Justin Bieber, First Step 2 Forever
It's Sanjit. It's a Hindu name. It means 'invincible.'""That's great," Lana said."Invincible. I can't be vinced.""That's not even a word," Lana said."Go ahead: try to vince me," Sanjit said.
— Michael  Grant, Plague
You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
— Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
See, that’s the difference,” Mauvin said. “I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.
— Michael J. Sullivan, Heir of Novron
Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just...Jean: A little brat who swears a lotMaes: An arrogant pipsqueakRoy: Useless. Just uselessAlphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that...Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!!
— Hiromu Arakawa, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 2
Slumber party with Dracula, all things considerd why not?
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Whisper
Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back.
— J.R. Ward, Covet
Why?' is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you 'What's the time?' or 'When was the battle of 1066?' or 'How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?' The answers are easy and are, respectively, 'Seven-thirty in the evening,' 'Ten-fifteen in the morning,' and 'Don't ask stupid questions.
— Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Cats don't need to be possessed
—  they're evil on their own.
If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?
— Tom Snyder
You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?
— Meg Cabot, Runaway
Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings
Locke sighed.'So this is winning,' he said.'It is,' replied Jean. 'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke.
— Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora
*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.
— Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret
Maybe I should, I don't know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don't want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?""You may ask.""How old are you?""It's none of your business
— Christopher Pike, The Last Vampire
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
— Helen Rowland, A Guide to Men: Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl
Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: 'Learn, guys...
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
— Bill Watterson
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
— Steve Martin
...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.
— Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks
If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.
— Gina Barreca
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
— Salman Rushdie, Midnight's Children
There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva
— Josh Groban
I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.
— David Levithan, Boy Meets Boy
Rule number 2 - don't listen to me!" Arriane laughed, "I'm certifiably insane!
— Lauren Kate
It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.
— Molière
Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.
— Marissa Meyer, Cress
Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?
— Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony
What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.”His smile tipped higher. “Primal.”“You’re impossible.”“Me Jev, you Nora.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Silence
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.''I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.''A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced.
— Joss Stirling, Finding Sky
I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.
— Janet Evanovich, Eleven on Top
Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away."I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.
— David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames
I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk.
— E. Lockhart, Real Live Boyfriends: Yes. Boyfriends, Plural. If My Life Weren't Complicated, I Wouldn't Be Ruby Oliver
When she scooped up her clothes, opened his door, then snapped her fingers for a guard down the hall, Wroth watched like a bystander. “Pssst. Minion. I need these laundered. Very little starch. Don’t just stand there gawking or you’ll anger my good frenemy General Wroth. We’re like this.”He couldn’t see her but knew she was twining two fingers together.
— Kresley Cole, The Warlord Wants Forever
Not going to walk me to the door?" I asked, pretending to be shocked at his lack of gallantry."Of course I am. many would think that a bonny lass such as yerself wouldst be able to stay out of trouble for a distance of fifteen feet, but I know better.""Did you just use the words yerself and wouldst in the same sentence? You can't be a pirate and a courtier at the same time, Dev. It just isn't done.
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Raised by Wolves
Shut up!" Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. "Jackass!""You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,
— Rachel Caine, Last Breath
I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.
— Andy Weir, The Martian
Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)
— James Patterson, Angel
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
— Bill Cosby
What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
— Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony
Everything not forbidden is compulsory
— T.H. White, The Once and Future King
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavanHowever, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,then you were:l) fucked
— Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Night Pleasures
Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt." - Stevie Rae
— P.C. Cast, Burned
She led the way. Eyeless sockets of the dead seemed to stare at them as they passed. "These are cool," Dan decided. "Maybe I could-""No, Dan," Amy said. "You can't collect human bones.""Awww.
— Rick Riordan, The Maze of Bones