c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your f******I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous?
— Christopher Hitchens
It is better to be first with an ugly woman than the hundreth with a beauty.
— Pearl S. Buck
Now, what does a vampire do with a computer? Keep track of investments? Send e-mail to other vampires as you all plot to take over the world?” “I spend a lot of time on Wikipedia making corrections to the entries of historical figures I’ve known.” I blinked at him. “Really?” “No, Kitty. That was a joke.
— Carrie Vaughn, Kitty Raises Hell
If they were going to be like that, then I just wished they hadn't actually been German. It was too easy. Too obvious. It was like coming across an Irishman who actually was stupid, a mother-in-law who actually was fat, or an American businessman who actually did have a middle initial and smoked a cigar. You feel as if you are unwillingly performing in a music-hall sketch and wishing you could rewrite the script. If Helmut and Kurt had been Brazilian or Chinese or Latvian or anything else at all, they could then have behaved in exactly the same way and it would have been surprising and intriguing and, more to the point from my perspective, much easier to write about. Writers should not be in the business of propping up stereotypes. I wondered what to do about it, decided that they could simply be Latvians if I wanted, and then at last drifted off peacefully to worrying about my boots.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
How could you receive a member of the Male Sex in your bedroom, and in your dressing gown?Sir, I must request you to leave immediately!""You don't mean to tell me that's a dressing gown?" interrupted Mr Carlton, a dangerous gleam in his eyes." Well, it's by far the most elegant one I've ever been priviledged to see, and I suppose I must have seen scores of 'em in my time-paid for them too!
— Georgette Heyer, Lady Of Quality
Horses frighten me as much as chickens do,’ he said.‘That is too bad, because lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress,’ said Abrenuncio. ‘If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur.
— Gabriel García Márquez
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.
— Louise Rennison, On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God
I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds.
— Rachel Cohn, Cupcake
Xander Harris: "Just when you think you know a guy he robs a mass grave and takes off.
— Diana G. Gallagher, Obsidian Fate
How would it be,” said Pooh slowly, “if, as soon as we’re out of sight of this Pit, we try to find it again?”“What’s the good of that?” said Rabbit.“Well,” said Pooh, “we keep looking for Home and not finding it, so I thought that if we looked for this Pit, we’d be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because then we might find something that we weren’t looking for, which might be just what we were looking for, really.”“I don’t see much sense in that,” said Rabbit.“No,” said Pooh humbly, “there isn’t. But there was going to be when I began it. It’s just that something happened to it on the way.
— Milne, A. A.
Me? I like wearing a condom. It means I'm having sex. I already spend most of my time NOT wearing one. It's like a tuxedo - I enjoy putting one on for special occasions.
— David Mazzucchelli, Asterios Polyp
Christmas, as a practicing Catholic child, was seen as a reward for lots and lots and lots of church.
— Jenny Colgan
Is she dead?" called Zenda.Sort of," I shouted, "And the pizza's completely fucked too.
— Michael Marshall Smith
Miss Runcible wore trousers and Miles touched up his eye-lashes in the dining-room of the hotel where they stopped for luncheon. So they were asked to leave.
— Evelyn Waugh, Vile Bodies
Doyle: "What is it now, then?"Cordelia: "Isn't java supposed to be a coffee?"Doyle: "Ready to abandon the the Web project?"Cordelia: "No way. We have a chance here to make contact with the millions of people out there who are glued to their computers."Doyle: "All those millions, shunning human contact. I'll never understand it. Call me old-fashioned, if you like, but I want to interface with a face, not a hunk of plastic and glass."Cordelia: "Climb out of the Dark Ages, Munchkin man."Doyle: "It's leprechaun, and either way, I don't appreciate the insult.
— John Passarella
I gather you yellow-skinned men, despite your triumphs in sewage, drinking water, and Olympic gold medals, still don't have democracy. Some politician on the radio was saying that that's why we Indian are going to beat you: we may not have sewage, drinking water, and Olympic gold medals, but we do have democracy.If I were making a country, I'd get the sewage pipes first, then the democracy, then I'd go about giving pamphlets and statues of Gandhi to other people, but what do I know? I am just a murderer!
— Aravind Adiga
The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to children.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as my dentist asks me to, I just can't bring myself to floss.
— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
As for Percy, he held his magic ballpoint pen like he was trying to decide whether to bust out some sword moves or autograph Nike’s chariot.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus
When a man plans, a woman laughs.
— David Wong, John Dies at the End
When he didn't answer, she didn't know if it was because he couldn't or if he was back to not talking to her. Back to pushing her out of his life.Men! Why was it that boys said girls were so hard to understand, when she hadn't known a single guy who hadn't confused her to the point of screaming?
— C.C. Hunter, Taken at Dusk
I regret that I didn’t realize that actually they’ve got no power over you at school — it’s all just a trick to indoctrinate you into being a conditioned, tame, placid citizen. Rebel, children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.
— Russell Brand, My Booky Wook
Do not demean yourself by stating the ridiculous," Grimalkin replied smoothly. Just because my species is vastly superior does not mean you should flaunt your idiocy freely. I know why you are here, dog.""Really", Puck called, craning his head to look up at the cat. "Well then, would you like to share your theory, furball?
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Knight
Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of herfather’s other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as henodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverwarewhen he thought no one was looking
— Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant
Cat, you asked me before to find out if those dream -suppression pills had any side effects. I’ve checked with Pathology, and they said you might experience depression, mood swings, irritability, paranoia, and chronic fatigue. Have you noticed any of that?
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate! I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage?
— Marie de Rabutin-Chantal de Sévigné
He had them as spellbound as a room full of Ewoks listening to C-3PO.
— Cory Doctorow, Makers
Aberystwyth (n.)A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.
— Douglas Adams, The Deeper Meaning of Liff
Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything.-Lula
— Janet Evanovich
I had always been warned that American didn't always get sarcasm
— Lindsey Kelk, I Heart New York
I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some.
— Hank Moody
Laughing in the cultural industry is mockery of happiness.
— Theodor W. Adorno
Some people have great ideas maybe once or twice in their life, and then they discover electricity or fire or outer space or something. I mean, the kind of brilliant ideas that change the whole world. Some people never have them at all... I get them two or three times a week.
— Neil Gaiman, The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish
Be one of the crowd? It went against everything a wizard stood for, and a wizard would not stand for anything if he could sit down for it, but even sitting down, you had to stand out.
— Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals
I have notes in my bathroom, yellow notes, and I stick 'em on the mirror, things that happened that were uplifting boosters for me. Notes that say, "Today is special, make today count." And then I have one note on the mirror in the middle that says, "Look at the other notes.
— Burt Bacharach
My God - it's a green child!" said the American. "What is this place - the House of Usher?
— Dodie Smith, I Capture the Castle
The lovely Hazard girls', they used to call them. Huh. Lovely is as lovely does; if they looked like what they behave like, they'd frighten little children.
— Angela Carter, Wise Children
They say that maths is a language. So how do I order a pizza with extra cheese in maths?
— Greg  Curtis
Fred said, “Man, I think he’s gonna make a fuckin’ suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us.”“Holy crap,” said John. “He’ll be gorgeous.
— David Wong, John Dies at the End
Joel Cairo: You always have a very smooth explanation ready.Sam Spade: What do you want me to do, learn to stutter?
— Dashiell Hammett, The Maltese Falcon
Don't lose today by worrying about tomorrow!!!
— John F. Herbert
Lord, my hands were made for blessing, but not my feet!
— Giovannino Guareschi, The Little World of Don Camillo
People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.
— P.J. O'Rourke
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
— John Kenneth Galbraith
I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out.
— Ben Aaronovitch, Whispers Under Ground
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.
— Dorothy Parker
They were small, brightly coloured, happy little creatures who secreted some of the nastiest toxins in the world, which is why the job of looking after the large vivarium where they happily passed their days was given to first-year students, on the basis that if they got things wrong there wouldn't be too much education wasted.
— Terry Pratchett, The Truth
A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush
— Spike Milligan
Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled.
— Terry Pratchett, Making Money
I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love.
— P.D. James, The Children of Men
…and to all you other cats and chicks out there, sweet or otherwise, buried deep in wordy tombs, who never yet have walked from off the page, a shake and a hug and a kiss and a drink. Cheers!
— Gilbert Sorrentino, Mulligan Stew
You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it's worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style and panache.
— Isla Dewar, Women Talking Dirty
Hey, don't you ever fake orgasms with me."She huffed. "I don't get why guys get so pissed when girls do that. Hell, your gender can fake an actual relationship.
— Suzanne Wright, Spiral of Need
What sort of place lets you drive and vote and fuck before it lets you drink a beer?” ~Mark Cooper
— Lisa Henry, Mark Cooper versus America
Dear Skeezie, Today I ran after a boy as he was trying to get away. I tackled him and we both landed in the mud. Do you think I appeared desperate?-Joe Bunch
— James Howe, The Misfits
Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.
— Robert Clark
My poetic aspirationIs to become,A Jack of all stylesAnd a master of pun.
— Clive Blake, View Points and Points of View: A 'Phoetry Book' from Cornwall
I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.
— Robert Clark
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
— rocky quicksilver
The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.
— Joseph Heller
I didn't realise you'd ridden here on your high horse
— Robyn Schneider, Extraordinary Means
I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".
— Louis C.K.
Yeah, you're a regular Mozart...well, except for the whole music thing.
— James Dashner, The Journal of Curious Letters
But I, when I undress meEach night, upon my kneesWill ask the Lord to bless meWith apple-pie and cheese.
— Eugene Field
Luke opened the pizza box and, finding it empty, shut it with a sigh."Though you did eat allthe pizza." "I only had five slices," Simon protested, leaning his chair backward so itbalanced precariously onits two back legs. "How many slices did you think were in a pizza, dork?" Clary wanted toknow. "Less than five slices isn't a meal. It's a snack." Simon looked apprehensively at Luke. "Does thismean you're going towolf out and eat me?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
...a kid, maybe eight years old, ran up and poked her in the ribs with a plastic laser weapon, making electric zinging noises as he repeatedly pulled the trigger. “You’re dead,” he said victoriously. His mother came hurrying up, looking harassed and helpless. “Damian, stop that!” She gave him a smile that was little more than a grimace. “Don’t bother the nice people.” “Shut up,” he said rudely. “Can’t you see they’re Terrons from Vaniot.”The kid poked her in the ribs again. “Ouch!” He made those zinging noises again, taking great pleasure in her discomfort. She plastered a big smile on her face and leaned down closer to precious Damian, then cooed in her most alienlike voice, “Oh, look, a little earthling.” She straightened and gave Sam a commanding look. “Kill it.” Damian’s mouth fell open. His eyes went as round as quarters as he took in the big pistol on Sam’s belt. From his open mouth began to issue a series of shrill noises that sounded like a fire alarm. Sam cursed under his breath, grabbed Jaine by the arm, and began tugging her at a half-trot toward the front of the store. She managed to snag her purse from the buggy as she went past. “Hey, my groceries!” she protested. “You can spend another three minutes in here tomorrow and get them,” he said with pent-up violence. “Right now I’m trying to keep you from getting arrested.”“For what?” she asked indignantly as he dragged her out of the automatic doors. People were turning to look at them, but most were following the sounds of Damian’s shrieks to aisle seven. “How about threatening to kill that brat and causing a riot?” “I didn’t threaten to loll him! I just ordered you to.
— Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect
If he decided to pursue Sienna...Sucking in a breath Indigo promised herself she'd warn the girl if and when the time came-because no woman should have to face that campaign unprepared.
— Nalini Singh, Play of Passion
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sane employee in possession of his wits must be in want of a good manager.
— Charles Stross, The Fuller Memorandum
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course.
— Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites
The search for a life-style involves a journey to the interior. This is not altogether a pleasant experience, because you not only have to take stock of what you consider your assets but you also have to take a long look at what your friends call “the trouble with you.” Nevertheless, the journey is worth making.
— Quentin Crisp
Dor woke again as dawn came. The sun had somehow gotten around to the east, where the land was, and dried off so that it could shine again.
— Piers Anthony, Centaur Aisle
After a moment or two a man in brown crimplene looked in at us, did not at all like the look of us and asked us if we were transit passengers. We said we were. He shook his head with infinite weariness and told us that if we were transit passengers then we were supposed to be in the other of the two rooms. We were obviously very crazy and stupid not to have realized this. He stayed there slumped against the door jamb, raising his eyebrows pointedly at us until we eventually gathered our gear together and dragged it off down thecorridor to the other room. He watched us go past him shaking his head in wonder and sorrow at the stupid futility of the human condition in general and ours in particular, and then closed the door behind us.The second room was identical to the first. Identical in all respects other than one, which was that it had a hatchway let into one wall. A large vacant-looking girl was leaning through it with her elbows on the counter and her fists jammed up into her cheekbones. She was watching some flies crawling up the wall, not with any great interest because they were not doing anything unexpected, but at least they were doing something. Behind her was a table stacked with biscuits, chocolate bars, cola, and a pot of coffee, and we headed straight towards this like a pack of stoats. Just before we reached it, however, we were suddenly headed off by a man in blue crimplene, who asked us what we thought we were doing in there. We explained that we were transit passengers on our way to Zaire, and he looked at us as if we had completely taken leave of our senses.'Transit passengers? he said. 'It is not allowed for transit passengers to be in here.' He waved us magnificently away from the snack counter, made us pick up all our gear again, and herded us back through the door and away into the first room where, a minute later, the man in the brown crimplene found us again.He looked at us. Slow incomprehension engulfed him, followed by sadness, anger, deep frustration and a sense that the world had been created specifically to cause him vexation. He leaned back against the wall, frowned, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.'You are in the wrong room,' he said simply. `You are transit passengers. Please go to the other room.'There is a wonderful calm that comes over you in such situations, particularly when there is a refreshment kiosk involved. We nodded, picked up our gear in a Zen-like manner and made our way back down the corridor to the second room. Here the man in blue crimplene accosted us once more but we patiently explained to him that he could fuck off.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers.
— Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
If politics were a musical, it would be "Promises, Promises".
— Ronald Reagan
Of course it hurt you neanderthal! See that? Thats blood. If theres blood, theres pain. Its like smoke and fire.
— Jennifer Crusie, What the Lady Wants
Did I say stab of Self Pity? No, I was trekking through the Swamp of Self Pity at this point, waist deep in my own stinking shit.
— Nicole Hamlett, Huntress
Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business!Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.
— Stewart Lee
Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.
— Elizabeth Sharp, Natural Selection
I told her about the time that I got so tired of you stealing the sheets that in my sleep-weary logic I decided that the thing to do was to tie them around my legs, knot and all, and how, when you attempted to steal them that night, you ended up yanking me into you, and I was so startled that I sprang up, tripped, and was nearly concussed.
— David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself
— Henry Morgan
Hells yeah. You kidding? Gay men are hot.
— Rachel West, Everything Under the Sun
I should say we’d reach England by Tuesday or thereabouts, with a decent wind behind us. It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and there’s a dirty great sea serpent right in the middle of the ocean! It has a horrible gaping maw and one of those scaly tails that looks like it could snap a boat clean in two. So I thought it best to sail around that.’FitzRoy frowned. ‘I think they just draw those on maps to add a bit of decoration. It doesn’t actually mean there’s a sea serpent there.’The galley went rather quiet. A few of the pirate crew stared intently out of the portholes, embarrassed at their Captain’s mistake. But to everyone’s relief, instead of running somebody through, the Pirate Captain just narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.That explains a lot,’ he said. ‘I suppose it’s also why we’ve never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.
— Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists
A Drunkard accuses a Drunkard...A sot became extremely drunk - his legsAnd head sank listless, weighed by wine's thick dregs.A sober neighbour put him in a sackAnd took him homewards hoisted on his back.Another drunk went stumbling by the first,Who woke and stuck his head outside and cursed."Hey, you, you lousy dipsomaniac,"He yelled as he was borne off in the sack,"If you'd had fewer drinks, just two or three,You would be walking now as well as me.
— فرید الدین عطار
If you can put this book down, it means you need more coffee and less sleep. After all, sleep is for the weak which is why I get 8 hours every night and 2 hours during the day and drink de-cafe.
— Leviak B. Kelly, Religion: The Ultimate STD: Living a Spiritual Life without Dogmatics or Cultural Destruction
She recalled him as a forceful and witty speaker with a ready repartee and a penetrating voice. He had once, for example, put down a spokesman for the pesticide industry with a remark that people still quoted at parties: "And I presume on the eighth day God called you and said, 'I changed my mind about insects!
— John Brunner, The Sheep Look Up
Our Euripides the human,With his droppings of warm tears,and his touchings of things common Till they rose to meet the spheres.
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Yes, sir, there are things to see and do on the French Riviera without spending money.
— Robert A. Heinlein, Glory Road
In peacetime some sort of introduction is generally required to make a person's acquaintance
—  in war a small eatable will perform the same office.
Red sky at night, the city's alight.
— Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites
You," I surmised, and gestured round. "Thank you.""No," he denied. His pale hair floated out from beneath his cap in a halo as he shook his head. "But I assisted. Thank you for bathing. It makes my task of checking on you less onerous. I'm glad you're awake. You snore abominably."I let this comment pass. "You've grown." I observed. "Yes. So have you. And you've been sick. And you slept quite a long time. And now you're awake and bathed and fed. You still look terrible. But you no longer smell. It's late afternoon now. Are there any other obvious facts you'd like to review?
— Robin Hobb, Royal Assassin
Boys", Buffy hissed through clenched teeth, "being quiet is an important part of sneaking.""Oh, sorry", Xander said, reducing his voice to a whisper."Besides, ritual sacrifice is a religious rite", Giles went on quietly. "They wouldn't sacrifice just anyone at random. It's far more likely they'd suspect you of being a Roman spy scouting for the invasion and just outright kill you"."Oh great! Great! Way to be encouraging Giles. And I suppose you'll just watch that happen, in your Watchery way.
— Alice Henderson, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Vol. 1
Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
— Stephen K. Amos, I Used to Say My Mother Was Shirley Bassey
I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said "I'll just print another ten.
— Eric Sykes
There is nothing we can now call our own, for what we call so is the effect of art; crimes are made by decrees of the senate, or by the votes of the people; and as here-to-fore we are burdened by vices, so now we are oppressed by laws.
— Blaise Pascal
Madness has no sense of humour
— Adam Foulds, The Quickening Maze
It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively
—  that was merely an unintended side effect.
I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.
— Diane Castle, Black Oil, Red Blood
Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals – and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over your biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on – and don’t blame other women for doing it.
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
Oh, measure it all out! Acceptable levels of misery and suffering!' The cane swung down, thumped hard on the ground. 'Acceptable? Who the fuck says any level is acceptable? What sort of mind thinks that?'Karsa grinned, 'Why, a civilized one.''Indeed!' Shadowthrone turned to Cotillion. 'And you doubted this one!
— Steven Erikson
Writing is the flip side of sex - it's only good when it's over.
— Hunter S. Thompson
Lord Teddie?" she said. "Will you stay for
— Heather Dixon, Entwined
Don't turn blue all over now.
— Amish Tripathi, The Immortals of Meluha
Hey! Jack the Wanker! Over here! I want your autograph!
— Maureen Johnson, The Name of the Star
lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays…
— Stephen Fry, The Fry Chronicles
It was the list of activities thing. Like the menu with price, only I'm not the restaurant; I'm the meal.
— Damon Suede, Hot Head
I can't believe she's lived this long. God must be avoiding her.
— Brian Francis, Natural Order
No," he said, "look, it's very, very simple ... all I want ... is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen." And he sat. He told the Nutri-Matic about India, he told it about China, he told it about Ceylon. He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun. He told it about silver teapots. He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn. He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn't get scalded. He even told it (briefly) about the history of the East India Company."So that's it, is it?" said the Nutri-Matic when he had finished. "Yes," said Arthur, "that is what I want.""You want the taste of dried leaves in boiled water?""Er, yes. With milk.""Squirted out of a cow?""Well, in a manner of speaking I suppose ...
— Douglas Adams
Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?
— Jefferson Smith, Strange Places
No, General. I'm not your subordinate. And what I'm coming dangerously close to is violence.-General Wedge Antilles
— Aaron Allston, Starfighters of Adumar
For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he’s happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.
— Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody
Stop playing hard to get""I'm hard to get. I'm not playing.
— G.A. Hauser, The Crush
I know it’s not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!""My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow…""Is that so? Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig!
— Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight
I suppose I’ll have to clean up Freddy’s brains; I hate to leave a mess for the home owners. Hand me that plastic bag; I need to put it over his head to keep him from leaking. Oh, relax, Freddy; I’ll tear an airhole for you.” - Mercer
— Rachel Caine, Working Stiff
[He]said something that made it impossible to continue working for him.[The exact words were]You're fired.
— Christopher Hitchens
one blow in anger [would] kill, probably, a child from aged two to eight. Those over eight would take two blows to kill.
— Patricia Highsmith
Oh Mokona, you're such a tease! ~Fai D. Flowright
— CLAMP
As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.
— Brendan Jack, EMPIRE: How to Succeed with Nothing but Passion, Great Ideas and a Wealthy Family
I tried to speak, to tell Kit I wasn't dead. No sound came out. But I managed to lift one arm a few inches and execute a tiny wave. Hello, still alive. In a fuck ton of pain, but not dead.
— Sonya Bateman, Master and Apprentice
What's the rule for fighting? Hit the soft parts with your hand and the hard parts with a utensil?
— Kaje Harper, Possibilities
If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won't open it first.
— Dan Abnett, Xenos
She whispers in my ear: ‘"Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatically.
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.
— Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great Crested? Which eye, anyway? Will tapioca do just as well? If we substitute egg white will the spell a) work b) fail or c) melt the bottom out of the cauldron? Goodie Whemper's curiosity about such things was huge and insatiable*.* Nearly insatiable. It was probably satiated in her last flight to test whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. According to the small black raven she had trained as a flight recorder, the answer was almost certainly no.
— Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
The dwarfs can turn lead into gold...It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.-Can we?-Damned if I know. I can't.-Yeah, but if you could, you wouldn't say. I wouldn't say, if I could.-Can you?-No!-Ah-ha!
— Terry Pratchett, The Truth
One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.
— P.J. O'Rourke
Men," she said rueful, "are the most absurd creatures on this green earth." "But there are camels," Gabriel pointed out. "Believe me," she answered. "I've taken camels into consideration.
— Zoe Archer, Warrior
I'd like to think...that people in pubs would talk about my poems
— Philip Larkin
All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished!
— C. JoyBell C.
pretty girls behave better when you ignore them.
— Chetan Bhagat
He lies down next to me.He says, 'You know - you have a face to die for/''Well, don't die,' I say, "we just met.
— Gwendoline Riley, Sick Notes
Steven Fry on The Da Vinci Code-"It is complete loose stoolwater. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.
— Steven Fry
It's the oasis," said the camel driver."Well, why don't we go there right now?" the boy asked."Because we have to sleep.
— Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Hello, IT... Have you tried turning it off and on again?... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on.... Err, the button turns it on.... Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you?... No, not on clothes... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
— Graham Linehan
Oh! Do not excite yourself. Shall I say that he interested me because he was trying to grow a mustache and as yet the result is poor." Poirot stroked his own magnificent mustache tenderly. "It is an art," he murmured, "the growing of the mustache! I have sympathy for all who attempt it.
— Agatha Christie, Surprise! Surprise!
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.
— Herbert Beerbohm Tree
You're Ma's own blood son, but did she take on that time Tony Fontaine shot you in the leg? No, she just sent for old Doc Fontaine to dress it and asked the doctor what ailed Tony's aim. Said she guessed the licker was spoiling his marksmanship.
— Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind
The world is not full of crazy ninja perfume ladies!
— Elisa Paige, Shadowplay
When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.
— Kingsley Amis, Jake's Thing
You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.
— Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own
When someone uses the phrase ‘the prick one’, and you know immediately that this is a synonym for the word ‘metaphorically’, you are entitled to wonder whether you know the speaker too well. You are even entitled to wonder whether you should know her at all.
— Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down
Please Note:Although it is true that some havebeen captured; we would like toassure you that no thoughts, orimages, have been harmed during the making of this book.
— Clive Blake, View Points and Points of View: A 'Phoetry Book' from Cornwall
Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy for it.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
There was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don't... I don't know." "Well, what's different?" "Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. And now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of and I guess I just realize how amazingly... screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion." "Oh." "And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die. Which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane, and yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting. But they do. They never... They never quit. And so I guess I will keep fighting, too.
— Joss Whedon
Your mother was a hero. She developed a spell for gnomeatic fever. And she was the youngest headmaster in Watford history.”Baz is looking at Penny like they’ve never met.“And,” Penny goes on, “she defended your father in three duels before he accepted her proposal.”“That sounds barbaric,” I say.“It was traditional,” Baz says.“It was brilliant,” Penny says. “I’ve read the minutes.”“Where?” Baz asks her.“We have them in our library at home,” she says “My dad loves marriage rites. Any sort of family magic, actually. He and my mother are bound together in five dimensions.
— Rainbow Rowell, Carry On
Don’t kill her! Only maim her a little!
— Cassandra Clare, The Copper Gauntlet
Mercy', Finnikin said, grinning from ear to ear. 'We're going to have a bed full of children and I'll have to holler out to my wife, "Hello there! It's been a long time since we last spoke!
— Melina Marchetta, Froi of the Exiles
Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!
— Marcus Tullius Cicero, Selected Works
How dense and literal it is. I thought it had a much more sophisticated brain." "Your mother is dense," Alif said wearily. "My mother was an errant crest of sea foam. But that is neither here nor there.
— G. Willow Wilson, Alif the Unseen
Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?"Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.
— Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code
I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me "smoking can cause fatal lung cancer".
— Robert Clark
And I’m stubborn, if you want absolute obedience, get a Labrador.
— Suzanne Wright, Feral Sins
...some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling...
— Stewart Hennessey, Comrade Fox: Low-living in Revolutionary Russia
Oh my God. Party punch. He’d brought a woman with the social age of twelve to the Citadel. He deserved everything he got.
— Annabel Joseph, Cirque de Minuit
Brenna Kelly, meet Alice Price-Healy. Grandma, meet Breanna. No one is shooting, stabbing or immolating anyone in this hotel room.""Please," added Dominic. "I have to sleep here.""HAIL!" Rejoiced the mice. "HAIL THE LACK OF STABBING, SHOOTING AND FLAME!
— Seanan McGuire, Chaos Choreography
I began to feel like a kept man and it felt great.
— Charles Bukowski, Women
Just think, she said to herself. I could be living on the Right Bank. I could be married to a senior clerk at the Treasury. I could be sitting with my feet up, embroidering a linen handkerchief with a rambling-rose design. Instead I'm on the rue des Cordeliers in pursuit of a baguette, with a three-inch blade for comfort.
— Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety
Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.
— Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner Autobiography
In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
— George Carlin
I'm thinking that I shouldn't have filed my nails last night.
— Dara Torres
Do you ever wear leather?" the guy asks."What?""Leather. Do you like leather?""It doesn't exactly wipe me out.""I like to see boys in leather."I look at him cool. "Okay," I say, "what is it you want and how much are you willing to pay for it?""I've got a leather jacket upstairs...Would you put it on?""Just put it on?""I'll go and get it."He leaves the horror hole and returns a few minutes later holding a leather flying jacket with a lambswool collar. There are tears in the jacket's sleeves, and the lambswool is yellow with age. John Wayne could've worn it in one of those crappy war films he made. "Put it on," the guy says.I give him a spiky smile and put on the jacket. "Okay, where's the plane, and what time's take-off?""Drop your jeans and turn around.
— Eric Bishop-Potter
Phileas Fogg, having shut the door of his house at half-past eleven, and having put his right foot before his left five hundred and seventy-five times, and his left foot before his right five hundred and seventy-six times, reached the Reform Club
— Jules Verne, Around the World in Eighty Days
John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”........"Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination.
— David Wong, John Dies at the End
You're very lovely, gatita."Her brows pulled together, and she gave him a skeptical stare."Do not look at your master as if he's an idiot.
— Cherise Sinclair, To Command and Collar
Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.
— Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker
Are you reading?" I say. It's not that I don't think Finn can read or anything, but it's just - well, not what I expected to see. I figured Finn spent his time doing whatever it is guys who aren't Josh do when they aren't in school. Burping, or something."Try not to look so surprised," Finn says. "I read. I can count to ten. Sometimes I can even spell my own name.
— Elizabeth Scott, Something, Maybe
What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over
— Jerome K. Jerome
Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
She was heavier than he expected - women always are.
— Sylvia Townsend Warner, Kingdoms of Elfin
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.
— Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag
No Ghost of any common sense begins a conversation
— Lewis Carroll
Okay, I guess you can come in.""Um, Hannah, you have to, you know, open the front door so I can actually come in.""I thought you were going to - you're standing under my window. Aren't you supposed to climb up here or something?""My ladder's at home. Also, you call throwing rocks at your window clichéd?
— Elizabeth Scott, Something, Maybe
For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.
— Simon R. Green, Deathstalker Rebellion
Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
— Howard Tayler, Under New Management
Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.
— Margaret Cho
I’m Sam Donovan.”  “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.”  “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.”  Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?
— Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect
Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.
— Robin Mellom, Ditched: A Love Story
Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind.
— Agatha Christie, The Body in the Library
She was tempted to take the elevator instead of the stairs just this once. But that was how it started. Take the elevator tonight because she was tired and her feet hurt from having been trapped in three-inch stilettos all day, and then tomorrow she'd want to take it because she was running late. Then, the next thing she knew she'd be taking elevators all over the place because she got winded climbing stairs.
— Melissa F. Miller, Inadvertent Disclosure
Lentokonesuihkuturbiinimoottoriapumekaanikkoaliupseerioppilas (technical warrant officer trainee specialised in aircraft jet engines)
— Tarja Moles, Xenophobe's Guide to the Finns
You know what the best thing is about the end of the day? Tomorrow, it starts all over again.
— Douglas Coupland, JPod
I want you to move in with me, man.""Nah. I appreciate it, but I need to get a place of my own. I'm a grownup.
— Damon Suede, Hot Head
Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt.
— Lionel Shriver, We Need to Talk About Kevin
Political life is best treated with antibiotics.
— Colin Tegerdine, You Can't Google Life
‎"Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don't think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body. Without it, you will die."'What grade are you teaching these days?' Joel asked. ' Because either this is really sad...or really profound.
— Jordan Castillo Price, Immortal Coil
Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods – they worship us and keep bothering us to do something.
— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag.
— Christopher Hitchens, Love, Poverty, and War: Journeys and Essays
My cats inspire me daily. They inspire me to get a dog!
— Greg  Curtis