c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. “You, get in there.” She turned her attention to the crowd. “The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.
— J.C. Nelson, Free Agent
If you’ve never been in a men’s room, and have only set foot in the ladies’ room at most fine (and not so fine) establishments, you need to know this: store owners hate men. No, really—this is the one area where women get treated better. We may earn seventy-seven cents on the dollar compared to men, but, by God, our public bathrooms don’t look like something out of a Soviet-era prison. Or worse—a Sochi hotel during the Olympics.
— Julia Kent, Shopping for a Billionaire
Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
I dont know half of you half as well as I should like
—  and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Once she even successfully argued on behalf of my older brother, Dan, getting a BBGun, a weapon which he promptly turned against his younger siblings, outfitting us in helmet and leather jacket and instructing us to run across Eaton Park while he practiced his marksmanship. Today he is a colonel in the army and the rest of us are gun-shy.
— Thomas Lynch, The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade
If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.
— Tanya Masse
They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard?  Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.
— Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic
The door opened, held by the butler, and Lord Montagu swept into the room, his presence overwhelming the space. She could swear even the flowers in their vases perked up and listed in his direction. Honest to Pete.
— Angela Quarles, Must Love Breeches
Go on, you've claimed your thirty pieces of silver, go do something crazy like put gas in that penis replacement you call transportation.
— Molly Harper, The Art of Seducing a Naked Werewolf
. . . parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond.
— Danielle Monsch, Stone Guardian
She would seize every opportunity to dive into the bathroom, in a swirl of white towels, and once in there she was as hard to dislodge as a limpet from a rock.
— Gerald Durrell, My Family and Other Animals
Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears."Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!
— David Weber, Oath of Swords
Well, thank the gods,' he sighed.'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned.'For making roads and letting us find one. Not that I'm complaining, you understand, but this business of following you cross-country without the faintest idea where I am can worry a man.
— David Weber, Oath of Swords
In 2015 tattoos are more permanent than marriages
— E.Grathwohl
If I had echolocation I could map out the terrain of ab muscles through sheer force of will. His cut body is meant to be relief mapped the way Braille is meant to be read. With my fingertips.
— Julia Kent, Shopping for a Billionaire
Oh crap! Someone is asking me to quote myself. Why don't they just ask me to drink acid and run naked into a snowdrift?
— Elizabeth  Anglin, Experience: Memoirs of an Abducted Childhood
Having our old Gran in the car was like having a cranky 'Tassie Tiger' sitting in the back. You never knew when she might jump forward and bite you on the back of your neck.
— Elizabeth M. Thompson, Ants, Aunts and Funerals.: Novel
Ah, spite, the stuff of fairy tales.
— Molly Harper, The Art of Seducing a Naked Werewolf
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when i get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
— Anonymous
Josh is the company tech expert, which means we all think he’s a little bit shaman, a little bit magician, and mostly a nerd.
— Julia Kent, Shopping for a Billionaire
Did we really come all that way?" She asked. "Time flies when you're scared out of your mind." He answered.
— Nights Raven
What sort of funny songs?""My balls are swearing my balls are swearing I can't keep my balls from sweating ohhh no.""How is that funny?" I asked. "As in the balls of your feet?""No, it's like this thing..... Never mind," he said.
— Anna Carey, Eve
Rosalind exploded with a shriek worthy of a tea-kettle.
— Emma Clifton, Five Glass Slippers
Are you in any pain? (Ariana Skyee)Only my heart. (Cal Remus)
— Siobhan Davis, True Calling
You're dying to meet my needs. You can't look away from my luscious half-naked body. The minute I opened the door you were pawing at me. It was like you were in heat or something.
— Kylie Scott, Play
Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public...
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi
— Cherise Sinclair, To Command and Collar
Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone. Well in everyone but Peter."-Tris Prior
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
Hey Highbrow. Next time remember to tuck and roll.
— Naima Simone, Chayot
ALGERNON. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.JACK. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.ALGERNON. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven-...
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Hocus Pocus let's try to focus
— Ellen Potter, The Humming Room
Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.
— Michael Hogan, Winter Solstice
Obviously life was a mean girl, and she was its bitch.
— Naima Simone, Chayot
Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two!
— Richard Brinsley Sheridan, The Critic
I’m too much a man for hysterics.”Liu, Marjorie M. (2009-01-20). Hunter Kiss: A Companion Novella to The Iron Hunt and Darkness Calls (A Hunter Kiss Novella) (Kindle Locations 355-356). Penguin Group US. Kindle Edition.
— Marjorie M. Liu, Hunter Kiss
lonely, vaguely pedophilic swing set seeks the butts of children
And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese
— Lucian Bane, Dom Wars: Round Two
SNEER. But, what the deuce, is the confidante to be mad too?PUFF. To be sure she is. The confidante is always to do whatever her mistress does- weep when she weeps, smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad.-Now, Madam Confidante! But keep your madness in the background, if you please.
— Richard Brinsley Sheridan, The Critic
The wand picks you, you don't pick the wand.
— J.K. Rowling
Our ancestors are very good kind of folks
—  but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
jerk.smokes cigars.will die of lung cancer,hopefully soon.excellent physical shape.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
Yeah 'cause throwing knives at a girk is totally Going to get her to like you. #Tobiaslogic
— based off of veronica roth's very own divergent
There is a safety mechanism in place [to ensure the perambulator doesn't turn back into a purse with a baby in it] : if anything weighing more than a pound and a half-about the weight of a three-volume novel-is in the carriage of the perambulator, it will not transform.
— Lev A.C. Rosen, All Men of Genius
The "word" did not "offer itself" in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, any more than Caesar's heralds would have said, "If you'd like a new kind of imperial experience, you might like to try giving allegiance to the new emperor.
— N.T. Wright, The Last Word: Beyond the Bible Wars to a New Understanding of the Authority of Scripture
Nice place," I said while prudently hovering near the only exit.Beyond Varallan
— S. L. Viehl
Raven: The Reverend Mr Larynx has been called off on duty, to marry or bury (I don't know which) some unfortunate person or persons, at Claydyke:...
— Thomas Love Peacock, Nightmare Abbey
Goodness, that stuff rips like paper,” she exclaimed, reaching to pull her tank top off. She was halfway through the action when the door opened and Alec walked into the room.“Izzy, are you—” he began. His eyes flew wide, and he backed up fast enough to smack his head into the wall behind him. “What is he doing here?”Isabelle tugged her tank top back down and glared at her brother. “You don’t knock now?”“It—It’s my bedroom!” Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire
It says adult prison on the gates, not Hogwarts. Now, get in and say hi to your new housmate.
— Dean Cole, UNCUT: Gay Erotic Stories
After that, he drank all the rest of the sherry, and Mr. Hubble drank the port, and the two talked (which I have since observed to be customary in such cases) as if they were of quite another race from the deceased, and were notoriously immortal.
— Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel.
— George Grossmith, The Diary of a Nobody
I didn't read the book. I burned it after the first sentence. 
— Rodindeadpan
He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.]
— Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby
I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday… In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mange was brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it...I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again I should walk out of the house.
— George Grossmith, The Diary of a Nobody
I'm pretty well. So's the family, and so's the boys, except for a sort of rash as is a running through the school, and rather puts 'em off their feed. But it's a ill wind as blows no good to nobody; that's what I always say when them lads has a wisitation. A wisitation, sir, is the lot of mortality. Mortality itself, sir, is a wisitation. The world is chock full of wisitations; and if a boy repines at a wisitation and makes you uncomfortable with his noise, he must have his head punched. That's going according to the Scripter, that is.
— Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby
He broke off and eyed with dignified surprise a fine piece of wireless telegraphy between husband and wife. It appeared that Mr. Negget sent off a humorous message with his left eye, the right being for some reason closed, to which Mrs. Negget replied with a series of frowns and staccato shakes of the head, which her husband found easily translatable. Under the austere stare of Mr. Bodfish their faces at once regained their wonted calm, and the ex-constable in a somewhat offended manner resumed his inquiries.
— W.W. Jacobs, The Lady of the Barge and Other Stories
She was a most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from story to story was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea. Another noticeable circumstance in Mrs. Sparsit was, that she was never hurried. She would shoot with consummate velocity from the roof to the hall, yet would be in full possession of her breath and dignity on the moment of her arrival there. Neither was she ever seen by human vision to go at a great pace.
— Charles Dickens, Hard Times
Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.
— Laura L. Sullivan, Love by the Morning Star
Alexandra, my eldest, here, plays the piano, or reads or sews; Adelaida paints landscapes and portraits (but never finishes any); and Aglaya sits and does nothing. I don't work too much, either.
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot
Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous old woman of limited means and unlimited infirmity, who used to go to sleep from six to seven every evening, in the society of youth who paid two pence per week each, for the improving opportunity of seeing her do it.
— Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
He told us that it had been a fine day to-day, and we told him that it had been a fine day yesterday, and then we all told each other that we thought it would be a fine day to-morrow; and George said the crops seemed to be coming up nicely.
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills.
— Guillermo del Toro, The Strain
So what are you supposed to do with it?"He eyed her incredulously. "For real? It's called a butt plug. What do you think you're supposed to do with it?"She scratched her nose and nodded, trying not to let the apprehension show. "Okay. I'll do it. But if it hurts, just let me know and I'll take it out, stat. Don't be a hero."He gaped at her and shook his head. "Aw, no. Sweetie. That's not for me.
— Christine  Bell, Down the Aisle
Day blame ornery youngins.
— L.Douglas Muncy, A Summer With Grandpa I'll Never Forget
Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could position herself so that she would be perceived as superior?
— Laura L. Sullivan, Love by the Morning Star
I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...
— Laura L. Sullivan, Love by the Morning Star
Try picking on someone who can handle you, you worthless little limp dick of a shit." In retrospect I could have picked my taunts a little better. Obviously, the Horned God was very sensitive about his equipment.
— K.H. Koehler, The Devil Dances
To-day well, my Utopia, if ever I framed one, would be a land where the laws demanded that people should be vicious. Then one would be able to count at any rate on a little virtue. If no man might live with a woman in any but an irregular union, there would be at once quite a run on honest matrimony and the Law Courts would be full of desperately wicked monogamists; while if every one was expected to steal and swindle, there would soon be an extensive criminal class who respected property.
— Edward Verrall Lucas, London Lavender
I walked back by way of the sea-lions' enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin's perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was pacing moodily about as usual, in what one felt to be the interval between a marriage ceremony and a funeral service. Much better, I thought, to have left the 2000 a year to him. No harm would then be done, and what perfect episcopal garden-parties he could give with it!
— Edward Verrall Lucas, London Lavender
A mere wilderness, as you see, even now in December; but in summer a complete nursery of briers, a forest of thistles, a plantation of nettles, without any live stock but goats, that have eaten up all the bark of the trees. Here you see is the pedestal of a statue, with only half a leg and four toes remaining: there were many here once. When I was a boy, I used to sit every day on the shoulders of Hercules: what became of him I have never been able to ascertain. Neptune has been lying these seven years in the dust-hole; Atlas had his head knocked off to fit him for propping a shed; and only the day before yesterday we fished Bacchus out of the horse-pond.
— Thomas Love Peacock, Headlong Hall
Raven: The Honourable Mr Listless is gone. He declared that, what with family quarrels in the morning, and ghosts at night, he could get neither sleep nor peace; and that the agitation was too much for his nerves: though Mr Glowry assured him that the ghost was only poor Crow walking in his sleep, and that the shroud and bloody turban were a sheet and a red nightcap.
— Thomas Love Peacock, Nightmare Abbey
Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!
— Christina Scalise, Are We Normal? Funny True Stories from an Everyday Family
If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!
— Tom Althouse, The Frowny Face Cow
Of course I can read", he said. "Jesus Christ.""Well, then, what are you trying to tell me? That you don't want to?" "No. I-" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. "-I don't know why I'm trying to tell you anything. I can read. I just can't read book.""So pretend it's a really long street sign and muddle through it.
— Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl
Sorry, I didn't see the big X with the words Top Secret Government Laboratory on the map, did you?
— Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure
Damn there were days being a woman confused the hell out of her.- Aella
— Eve Langlais, A Demon and Her Scot
'Your brain doesn't process language quite like other people. Why that is, I have no idea.' 'I have a superior brain?' 'Uh,' Eliot said, 'I wouldn't go that far.' 
— Max Barry, Lexicon
I sensed more than recognized the sound of those skeletal knuckles on the door. I was too young for it to be Death, so it had to be his mother.
— Dan Skinner, The Price of Dick
-Have a Glass of wine & over time it will be fine.
— Hazel Cartwright, Single's Guide: A Single Therapy Guidebook
The cup flew out of my hands and my God was it beautiful. I wish the Planet Earth video crew were there to film it at 100 frames per second so that we could watch it again at super slow motion in all of it’s glory.
— David Bowick, How to Disappear Completely
May as well have ox blood running through those veins,” I added, “You’re as stubborn as one.
— Katherine McIntyre, An Airship Named Desire
Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.
— Tom Althouse, The Frowny Face Cow
I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It’s like a special competition in losing.
— Miroslav Holub
You said, ‘Ramsey…oh Ramsey…please.’ Please, what?” She looked him straight in the eyes. “Please…let my people go!
— Tessa Dawn, Blood Shadows
First her body goes missing, then her finger.
— Bliss Addison, Sleight of Hand
Flirt with the old ladies and you’ll be fine,” I muttered, shoving my stuff into the cubby. He hung his green hoodie on the hooks right beside me. “Is that how you get by?” “Doesn’t work on the old ladies for me, but the old men on the other hand?” I paused and glanced at my nails. “Yeah, doesn’t work on them either.
— Katherine McIntyre, By the Sea
Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips.
— Tom Althouse, The Frowny Face Cow
If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.
— Mark  Jackman, Shadow of the Badger
Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he'd been in Quentin--one of the few he hadn't read. "It's a novel, Grandpa. ENDER'S GAME by a man named Card. Orson Card," and she continued reading through the first page until he interrupted her again. "I just got out of the hospital--I don't want to hear a story about people having operations." "Well, what DO you want? LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE? "At least I'd learn something useful.
— cassella carol
As long as you're not 'gross full,'" Raj said. "That's when you're so full that it's hard to breathe because your stomach is pushing up into your lung region.
— Christina Daley, Radiant
Some people react to suffering by denying the very possibility of God's existence
— Michael Ots, What Kind Of God?: Responding To 10 Popular Accusations
Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn't learn when I was little when was I going to learn? Kids who get Bart Simpson dolls at the drop of a hat turn into punks who steal from convenience stores, ‘cos they wind up thinking they can have whatever they want, just like that. So instead of a Bart doll he bought me an ugly porcelain pig with a slot in its back, and now I'll grow up to be okay, now I won't turn into a punk.
— Etgar Keret, Missing Kissinger
If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!
— Sid Bolon
I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...
— Jonathan  Dunne, The Nobody Show
Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.
— Sol Luckman, Snooze: A Story of Awakening
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
— Groucho Marx
He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.
— Katherine Rundell, Rooftoppers
If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
Did you once own ruby slippers, and did a house fall on your head? You're a daft little munchkin.
— Heather Fleener, Broken
The photographer was lost for riposte, obvious though it should have been; instead he turned to run. At least his mind did. In fact, his mind had already scooted down the Broad Walk and was clambering over the railings at the end, whereas his body had remained rooted to the spot. With some effort he looked down at his feet as if to reprimand them. They refused to take notice.
— James Herbert, Creed
All magic cookies with a price!
— R. Sonnenfeld
If God gave Abraham a ram to prevent his slaying Isaac, He might stick a donkey in the bush for me to ride up this infernal mountainside.”~ Grace Madison, PhD.
— N.L.B. Horton, When Camels Fly
That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!" Kylie faced her with a growl, causing Kat to reach over and smack her on the upper arm...hard, "Cut its out! You don not get to play the I'm-so-dark-and- twisty-I-deserve-to-be-punished card.
— Heather Fleener, Broken
That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit!""Cut it out! You do not to play the I'm-so-dark-and twisty-I deserve-to-be-punished card.
— Heather Fleener, Broken
Make requests, not demands.example: “please” kill that zombie honey, I’m out of bullets.
— Jesse Petersen
I am an archaeologist of mature vintage. Rapid descents are not my specialty. I am the plodding type."~ Grace Madison, PhD.
— N.L.B. Horton, When Camels Fly
No magnetic wombats, no flying hyenas, no catfish masquerading as samurai, and, MOST CERTAINLY, no Duku jam!
— Gina Marinello-Sweeney, I Thirst
Let me know if you're in any pain, we're going through your groin with a tiny tube up to your heart." Doctor Casey said."Really, that's how my girlfriend does it. Only she doesn't have to medicate me first.
— Lori Lesko, Copyright
Pissing out the window, and sh*tting out the window, are two different things!
— Tourettes Guy
The jukebox played some hillbilly tune
—  steel guitar and emotion-choked moaning...
Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.
— Wendy Aron
Muse usually gestured like an amphetamine-fueled Sicilian who's nearly gotten clipped by a speeding car.
— Harlan Coben, The Woods
I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.
— E.A. Bucchianeri
Beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!
— Ashok Kallarakkal
My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn...
— Cleo Peitsche
The Pepto?” I asked.“The Pepto,” he sighed and read the label. “Yes, the Pepto. This, yes. The candies. They’re in here. I found them, yes. I found them here. You. You were sleeping. I found these. They’re yours, yes? I want them. If I can have them. These. These Pepto. Oh… yes. If I can have them I’d be grateful, yes… I’d follow you. I’d follow you now until the day you die. From now until then, yes. I’d follow you and I would be your one true compatriot. The Don Quixote to your Sancho Panza, the Batman to your Robin, the Huckleberry Finn to your Nigger Jim. Yours. You. And… hm… yes. From then on I’d do what you ask of me. As your one true ally to do what you need. I’d be the best friend you have. Best. All I ask for, to be yours until forever, is that you bestow upon me these delightful morsels I have found of yours for my consumptive pleasure.”“Yes,” I said, not thinking twice. “Take it. Eat’em.”“Eat’em, great,” he said. “Yes. A strange name, but I like it. That’s what you will call me then. Eat’em. Thank you for this.
— Chase Webster, Eat'em
The early worm catches the fishies and all, you know.
— Heather Fleener, Forsaken
Galaxies of nothing are going onin her eyes.
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
You have to come downstairs now!" panted Alice."What's wrong?""Everything! Izzy's floating, Melanie ran into the wall, my hand made a silver ball and Colleen smashed my keys though the wall!" Alice huffed."Wait, what? Slow down, I didn't catch a word you said," said Jenn."Come on!
— Katie Mattie, M.A.J.I.C. and the Oracle at Delphi
Most beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!
— Ashok Kallarakkal
Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it's honey. In fact, I may not even be a real person, but just a vow of vengeance made flesh.
— Laini Taylor, Night of Cake & Puppets
My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon on the side.
— Varsha Bajaj, Abby Spencer Goes to Bollywood
What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...
— Kresley Cole, Dark Desires After Dusk
My son's got the I.Q. Of a robot but I don't have the dough to send him to school.
— Jonathan  Dunne, Balloon Animals
When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a woman.
— Mercedes Lackey, The Wizard of London
Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.""I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!""Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.
— Janet Evanovich, Wicked Appetite
You took your clothes off?""You didn't notice?""No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you.""If you look under the covers, you'll know me better.""I don't want to know you better!""That's a big fib," Diesel said.
— Janet Evanovich, Wicked Appetite
If this was mental illness, or even just a particularly clinical case of adolescence, I was bearing up pretty well.
— Barbara Ehrenreich, Living with a Wild God: A Nonbeliever's Search for the Truth about Everything
You’re a terrible woman Nox, but by the stars I love you beyond words themselves,
— K. K Weakley
They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.
— Bill Bryson, The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid
One of the fundamental axioms of masculine self-regard is that the tools and appurtenances of a man's life must be containable within the pockets of his jacket and pants. Wallet, keys, gum, show or ball game tickets, Kleenex, condoms, cell phone, maybe a lighter and a pack of cigarettes: Just cram it all in there, motherfucker.
— Michael Chabon, Manhood for Amateurs
When they see the light at the end of the tunnel, some people run towards it. I, however, run from it as fast as I can because I know that it's attatched to a speeding train coming in our direction. And if I were you, staring at that light drooling and saying "Ooh, pretty," I would run as fast as my legs could carry me, because I don't plan on dying early with the rest of you fools.
— Stephanie Tom
Free will always results in collateral damage.
— J. Lincoln Fenn, Poe
Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown
— Candace Mumford
you only live once.Unless you a zombie
— idk
There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don’t know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and car wax.
— J. Lincoln Fenn, Poe
That is my story. Believe what you will. I remember it all
—  I remember it still.
Fighting with tangles,fighting with curls,the poor barber yanked,the poor barber pulled,until with one last effort(and to the wonder of us all)a GINORMOUS Polar Bearlanded on the floor.
— Mili Fay, Animals In My Hair
Life is about more that quotes about life
— John Chaplin
whatever you are be a good one
— Unknown
Ruric clung to me and shouted, "Your father." Looking down below I saw my father running after us, several alarmed guards trailing him. As I watched, the High Lord's slight demon shape began to shimmer in a remarkable transformation that stretched him out and out and up into a huge and long, black serpentine dragon. It was a glorious sight, one I'd never thought to see. He launched himself gracefully into the air amidst shouted protests from his guards, a large dragon smile on his face that showed more free and delighted emotion than I'd ever seen on his face. ..."His poor guards. An eight-member team set out at a dead run after us. They must be having a hissy fit over my father taking off like that, alone, unguarded. Although I couldn't imagine what could possibly be of threat to a four-ton, fire-breathing dragon.
— Sunny, Lucinda, Dangerously
I never said she was a lady.
— K. K Weakley
Holy Crap, Kaitriana you are one wicked Witch.
— Heather Fleener, Chosen
No ruby slippers here, just a lot of supernatural jackassess.
— Heather Fleener, Chosen
His words were coated with glorious boredom
— Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass
You don't even know if she really likes you, Oberon said as we exited and I unlocked my bike. She could be doing her customer service routine and stringing you along in hopes of a big tip the next time you come in. With dogs you just go up and smell their asses and you know where you stand, it's so much easier. Why can't humans do that?
— Kevin Hearne, Hounded
There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you’re determined to dislike for no good reason.
— Gregory David Roberts
College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.
— Korey Miracle
Why are you worrying about you-know-who?You should be worrying about u-no-poo!The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you've got to go and who is the real turkey.
— Shirley Maclaine, Dance While You Can
No,I just thought I'd shoot bullets out of my nose
— Veronica Roth, Insurgent
Showing up underdressed is as smart as standing in the marketplace and shouting you've become an agent for the crown.""I'd hang myself first. I hate being a female.""Well until you sprout a beard and cock there you are.
— Lynn Viehl, Her Ladyship's Curse
You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones... basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup). Be prepared for this mentally, and you'll own this "thing.
— Lisa Jey Davis, Getting Over Your Ovaries: How to Make 'The Change of Life' Your Bitch
You look good as a Pirate." Erin"Ahoy, matey," he said, laying her back against the grass. "Me cap'n's ship needs a port." V' Aidan"Me cap'n's port needs a ship." Erin
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Bites
I'm a devil at a quick mistake, and when I make one it takes the form of Lead.
— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Before we got married we asked our grandfathers, whose own marriages had lasted forty years or more, "What is the secret to a happy marriage? And they paused, looked down at their chicken salad, and said, 'You really have to like each other. After the attraction, you really have to like the person.'" ...our mothers tolds us...ask him how his day was. Take an interest in his profession.
— TaraShea Nesbit, The Wives of Los Alamos
I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.
— Brian MacLearn
... the lawnmower sounded like bottle caps in a blender.
— Julie Jaret, Extreme Close-Up
The difference between Strauss and Ranieri?” says one trader still at Salomon. “That’s easy. Strauss wouldn’t stoop to use the men’s room on the trading floor. He’d go upstairs. Lewie would piss on your desk.
— Michael   Lewis, Liar's Poker
Women
—  the supreme masters of the bait and switch.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke
I recalled thinking...His freakishly tidy side could be a problem. To say that neatness was not my strong suit would be a crime against, well, the truth.
— Betsy Cook Speer
If the Good Lord meant men to use percussion caps, he wouldn't have strung flint all over the ground.
— Taylor Anderson
Ryker, you ride with Orlando,” Ryker mocked in a snarky voice as he turned to the other man. He gestured toward the Pinto with a look of revulsion on his rugged face. “How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let's just carry it over. It'll be faster that way.
— Rose Wynters, My Wolf Cowboy
It felt like an eternity before he gingerly lifted himself from the table and staggered backwards. Glass shards protruded from chest to groin. The guy looked like a bloody porcupine. A cute, tall bloody porcupine. I’m tall too. Five foot ten. But he had at least four inches on me, even with my thick-heeled boots.“What’s your name?” he slurred. While visions of reckless homicide charges danced in my head, I contemplated using an alias. Finally, I said my real name, “Sam.”“Nice to meet you, Sammers. I’m Jake,” he said.
— Betsy Cook Speer, Demolition Queen - Champagne, Murder & Chaos
And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.
— Robert J. Morrissette
As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.
— Michael Bassey Johnson
It was the job of people like me to make up reasons, to spin a plausible yarn. And it’s amazing what people will believe. Heavy selling out of the Middle East was an old standby. Since no one ever had any clue what the Arabs were doing with their money or why, no story involving Arabs could ever be refuted. So if you didn’t know why the dollar was falling, you shouted out something about Arabs.
— Michael   Lewis, Liar's Poker
He shouted into the phone, “That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear it, to be called a Big Swinging Dick by the man who, years ago, had given birth to the distinction and in my mind had the greatest right to confer it upon me.
— Michael   Lewis, Liar's Poker
Buy potatoes,” he said. “Gotta hop.” Then he hung up. Of course. A cloud of fallout would threaten European food and water supplies, including the potato crop, placing a premium on uncontaminated American substitutes. Perhaps a few folks other than potato farmers think of the price of potatoes in America minutes after the explosion of a nuclear reactor in Russian, but I have never met them.
— Michael   Lewis, Liar's Poker
His mama beat him with an ugly stick so hard, it gone straight on till his soul.
— Delia Sherman, The Freedom Maze
East or West, Home is BestNorth or South, Hand to Mouth
— Doctor You
Allan praised Herbert for a job well done and for acting the part well. Herbert blushed, while dismissing the praise, saying it wasn't hard to play stupid when you are stupid. Allan said that he didn't know how hard it was, because the idiots Allan had met so far in his life had all tried to do the opposite.
— Jonasson, Jonas
What better time to be kind to a beautiful stranger than when she’s weak, and rocking a schnoz like the Godfather?
— Leslea Tash, Bird After Bird
age is a state of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.
— Satchel Paige
May my hands fall from my wrists before I kill an artist like yourself," said the man in black. "I would as soon destroy da Vinci. However"—and here he clubbed Inigo's head with the butt of his sword—"since I can't have you following me either, please understand that I hold you in the highest respect.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
The dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?' ' Sam drawled.
— Robyn Schneider, The Beginning of Everything
Hello there," Inigo hollered when he could wait no more.The man in black glanced up and grunted."I've been watching you."The man in black nodded."Slow going," Inigo said."Look, I don't mean to be rude," the man in black said finally, "but I'm rather busy just now, so try not to distract me.""I'm sorry," Inigo said.The man in black grunted again."I don't suppose you could speed things up," Inigo said."If you want to speed things up so much," the man in black said, clearly quite angry now, "you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find some other helpful thing to do.
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism.
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem
— Oran Kangas
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
Oh golly, Brer Fox, your forthright assertion—that evolutionary biology disproves the idea of a creator God—jeopardises the teaching of biology in science class, since teaching that would violate the separation of church and state!' Right. You also ought to soft-pedal physiology, since it declares virgin birth impossible
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
Earlier maps had underestimated the distances to other continents and exaggerated the outlines of individual nations. Now global dimensions could be set, with authority, by the celestial spheres. Indeed, King Louis XIV of France, confronted with a revised map of his domain based on accurate longitude measurements, reportedly complained that he was losing more territory to his astronomers than to his enemies.
— Dava Sobel, Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time
Diligence and attention soon gave him the knack of it, and he strode down the street with his mouth full of harmony and his soul full of gratitude. He felt much as an astronomer feels who has discovered a new planet—no doubt, as far as strong, deep, unalloyed pleasure is concerned, the advantage was with the boy, not the astronomer.
— Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
We are flawed creatures with explosive feelings that subconsciously aspire to be non-violent sociopaths.
— Jayme K.
...but as his father used to say when he had a few drinks taken, you couldn't expect bloody miracles when you were talking about God.
— Joseph O'Connor, Star of the Sea
I have considered the impudent accusations of Mr Dawkins with exasperation at his lack of serious scholarship. He has apparently not read the detailed discourses of Count Roderigo of Seville on the exquisite and exotic leathers of the Emperor's boots, nor does he give a moment's consideration to Bellini's masterwork, On the Luminescence of the Emperor's Feathered Hat. We have entire schools dedicated to writing learned treatises on the beauty of the Emperor's raiment, and every major newspaper runs a section dedicated to imperial fashion ... Dawkins arrogantly ignores all these deep philosophical ponderings to crudely accuse the Emperor of nudity ... Until Dawkins has trained in the shops of Paris and Milan, until he has learned to tell the difference between a ruffled flounce and a puffy pantaloon, we should all pretend he has not spoken out against the Emperor's taste. His training in biology may give him the ability to recognize dangling genitalia when he sees it, but it has not taught him the proper appreciation of Imaginary Fabrics.
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
My Epitaph:THIS is Plan B
— Oran Kangas
Germans at the time believed, a little oddly, that dyes killed germs by turning the germs’ vital organs the wrong color.
— Sam Kean, The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements
It is a tedious cliché (and, unlike many clichés, it isn't even true) that science concerns itself with how questions, but only theology is equipped to answer why questions. What on Earth is a why question? Not every English sentence beginning with the word 'why' is a legitimate question. Why are unicorns hollow? Some questions simply do not deserve an answer. What is the colour of abstraction? What is the smell of hope? The fact that a question can be phrased in a grammatically correct English sentence doesn't make it meaningful, or entitle it to our serious attention. Nor, even if the question is a real one, does the fact that science cannot answer it imply that religion can.
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
That scientifically savvy philosopher Daniel Dennett pointed out that evolution counters one of the oldest ideas we have: 'the idea that it takes a big fancy smart thing to make a lesser thing. I call that the trickle-down theory of creation.
— Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
For his part, Mendeleev scanned Lecoq de Boisbaudran’s data on gallium and told the experimentalist, with no justification, that he must have measured something wrong, because the density and weight of gallium differed from Mendeleev’s predictions. This betrays a flabbergasting amount of gall, but as science philosopher-historian Eric Scerri put it, Mendeleev always “was willing to bend nature to fit his grand philosophical scheme.” The only difference between Mendeleev and crackpottery is that Mendeleev was right: Lecoq de Boisbaudran soon retracted his data and published results that corroborated Mendeleev’s predictions.
— Sam Kean, The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements
Trust me. You’re a constant riddle with an ever-changing solution." ~ FBI Special Agent Clive Poole to Maggie Mae Castro
— Beth Yarnall, Find Me Maggie
There are times when every act, no matter how private or unconscious, becomes political. Whom you live with, how you wear your hair, whether you marry, whether you insist that your child take piano lessons, what are the brand names on your shelf; all these become political decisions. At other times, no act--no campaign or tract, statement or rampage--has any political charge at all. People with the least sense of which times are, and which are not, political are usually most avid about politics. At six one morning, Will went out in jeans and a frayed sweater to buy a quart of milk. A tourist bus went by. The megaphone was directed at him. "There's one," it said. That was in the 1960's. Ever since, he's wondered. There's one what?
— Renata Adler
He (Lincoln) differed from fanatical moralists primarily in that he was always perplexed. No sooner did he believe he was doing God's will that he began to admit that God's purposes might be different from his own. In short, he never forgot the men's contrast between the absolute goodness of God and the faltering goodness of all who are in the finite predicament.
— Elton Trueblood, Abraham Lincoln: Lessons in Spiritual Leadership
Basker possesses three kinds of bite: a snap, a nip, and then something like a buzz saw and an angle grinder mounted on a bear trap.
— Peter Høeg, The Elephant Keepers' Children
...and it's ridiculous that anyone would praise a child for standing with arms spread out on a wooden cross, as if she were Jesus's dead sister wearing a checkerboard tablecloth.
— Amy Tan, The Valley of Amazement
if I decide to help you, I want only two things in return. Freedom for my people" - it was what he planned to bargin for all along, and one bargain was good as any other - "and possessiom of the girl.""I'm afraid she's not on the table," Blue eyes said."Of course she isn't on the table," he said confused. "She's right in front of you.
— Gene Showalter
What are summer teeth? Summer in their mouth, Some are elsewhere.
— Suzanne Woods Fisher, The Letters
Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.
— juanda brahma metta
Everybody says I am NOBODY,and you know NOBODY is Perfect.
— shaikh mustafa
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
— Billy Connolly
Chase had looked at the apartment—online—talked to the real estate agent—online—obtained references—online.Now, standing in the hallway, it was obvious he’d gotten fucked—online.
— Adrienne Wilder, Seven
I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever 
— Claire LaZebnik, The Trouble with Flirting
I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious.
— Don Roff