c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
[About Uluru] I'm suggesting nothing here, but I will say that if you were an intergalactic traveler who had broken down in our solar system, the obvious directions to rescuers would be: "Go to the third planet and fly around till you see the big red rock. You can't miss it." If ever on earth they dig up a 150,000-year-old rocket ship from the galaxy Zog, this is where it will be. I'm not saying I expect it to happen; not saying that at all. I'm just observing that if I were looking for an ancient starship this is where I would start digging.
— Bill Bryson, In a Sunburned Country
Every Englishman abroad, until it is proved to the contrary, likes to consider himself a traveller and not a tourist.
— Evelyn Waugh, Labels
You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.
— Salman Rushdie, Shame
Recklessness is almost a man's revenge on his woman.
— D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers
Are we making a bomb?" "This is a trust exercise, like in drama," she says. "Are we making a bomb as a trust exercise?
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
— G.K. Chesterton, All Things Considered
My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
— Spike Milligan
The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.
— G.K. Chesterton, All Things Considered
mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination
— S. Spencer Baker, Slabscape: Reset
Anyway, as the old barrelhouse song says, My God, how the money rolled in. Norton must have subscribed to the old Puritan notion that the best way to figure out which folks God favours is by checking their bank acounts.
— Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons
If asked which words one associated with the Sahara, only the most dedicated surrealist might be expected to offer "whale".
— Eamonn Gearon, The Sahara: A Cultural History
Logan licked a glob of strawberry jelly from her lower lip and smiled upat Odin. Only one comment seemed to perfectly fit her current situation. “Isee dead people.”He leaned forward, hands on his hips. “Me, too. It’s the only explanationfor what’s standing in front of me. Unless some high school kids broke intothe anatomy closet and stole the classroom skeleton, stretched some cadaverskin over that bitch then cast an ancient ritual to animate it.
— Jennifer Turner, Eternal Seduction
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
— Jeff Marder
Having one eye makes you see the world in unusual ways, Shockwave..." -Overlord
— Nick Roche, Transformers: Last Stand of the Wreckers
- "Sometimes I think people would believe in aliens before they'd believe in demons"- "That's how it is, now!
— Jon Skovron, Misfit
I smiled at him, “It’s okay, boys can be dumb.”Alex smirked, “Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy.
— Joanne McClean, Unrequited
Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.
— Emily C.A. Snyder, Nachtstürm Castle: A Gothic Austen Novel
Another strike of lightening – now accompanied by the deep-bellied rumble, and the horse reared, incidentally setting Henry very picturesquely against the inconstant moon. Alas, Catherine was deeply engaged in her argument with Old Edric and this missed entirely the melodramatic display. But we may assume that, possessing so strong an imagination, Catherine had often pictured Henry thus...
— Emily C.A. Snyder, Nachtstürm Castle: A Gothic Austen Novel
It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.
— John Marsden, Circle of Flight
In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.
— John Biggins, The Emperor's Coloured Coat: In Which Otto Prohaska, Hero of the Habsburg Empire, Has an Interesting Time While Not Quite Managing to Avert the First World War
What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man.The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...
— Stewart Lee
I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unawares. What is this jest in majesty? This ass in passion? How do god and devil combine to form a live dog?
— Vladimir Nabokov, Despair
On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!And you just cant catch em when they do!So its Ning Nang Nong!Cows go Bong!Nong Nang Ning!Trees go Ping!Nong Ning Nang!The mice go Clang!What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!
— Spike Milligan
Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa?" i was truly curious to know the answer."Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.
— Max Frei, The Stranger
People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
— C. JoyBell C.
He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba.
— Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
My Teacher Sees Right Through MeI didn’t do my homework.My teacher asked me, “Why?”I answered him, “It’s much too hard.”He said, “You didn’t try.” I told him, “My dog ate it.”He said, “You have no dog.”I said, “I went out running.”He said, “You never jog.” I told him, “I had chores to do.”He said, “You watched TV.”I said, “I saw the doctor.”He said, “You were with me.” My teacher sees right through my fibs,which makes me very sad.It’s hard to fool the teacherwhen the teacher is your dad.
— Bruce Lansky
Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to tell you that you have some sort of complaint that you were far happier not knowing about.
— John Mortimer, Rumpole and the Penge Bungalow Murders
This is not the way things are done in Boy’s Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism
— Robert Rankin, Retromancer
leave not a speck.that may cause a wreck...
— Tushar Raheja, Anything for You, Ma'am: An IITian's Love Story
You probably think that being a guest in your aunt's house I would hesitate to butter you all over the front lawn and dance on the fragments in hobnailed boots, but you are mistaken. It would be a genuine pleasure. By an odd coincidence I brought a pair of hobnailed boots with me!' So saying, and recognising a good exit line when he saw one, he strode out, and after an interval of tense meditation I followed him. (Spode to Wooster)
— P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves and Wooster Omnibus: The Mating Season / The Code of the Woosters / Right Ho, Jeeves
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.The one that's out always looks the best
— Will Rogers
Y-naga: "That's the thing... It's like trying to find a guy who's a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody who's a little wild at times but normally lets me have my way even when I'm being selfish and just says, "well, if you insist," a guy who's not too full of himself but understands what clothes suit his body type best..."S-hara: "What I'm saying is the pretty ones are stupid! The ones who have it all together are all so, so stubborn that they never do things my way!
— Fumi Yoshinaga, Not Love But Delicious Foods
Humour is meant, in a literal sense, to make game of man; that is, to dethrone him from his official dignity and hunt him like game.
— G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions
Normal is just a settng on your dryer
— Patsy Clairmont
Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.
— Harland Williams
With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags
— Saira Viola, Slide, a Modern Satire on the Excess of Greed
Why save the rainforest, the whales, or the world when you can devote your time to saving syllables?
— Lindsay Faith Rech, It Started with a Dare
I'm not a detective from Baker Street or an old lady who solves crimes while she's knitting in an easy chair. I'm just a book girl. So I can't make a deduction, only take a flight of fancy--er, forget I said that. I meant, I can only take a guess.
— Mizuki Nomura, Book Girl and the Suicidal Mime
...You haven't I suppose ever mixed with politicians at close quarters. They're awful...their stupidity is inhuman.
— Robert Skidelsky
Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?
— Robert Rankin, Retromancer
Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse
— Alan Carr, Look Who It Is!: My Story
Too BusyI've folded all my laundryand put it in the drawer.I've changed my linen, made my bed,and swept my bedroom floor. I've emptied out the garbageand fixed tomorrow's lunch.I've baked some cookies for dessertand given dad a munch.I've searched the house for pencilsand sharpened every one.There are so many things to dowhen homework must be done.
— Bruce Lansky
We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.
— M. Kushner
How are you? My father could say this quicker than anybody. He was always the first to say how are you, provided the occasion called for it, and he saw his chance. Thanks to this skill, he was made ambassador to England ...
— Péter Esterházy, Celestial Harmonies
After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it
— Spike Milligan, Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall
philosophy is not suited for the masses, what they need is holiness.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.
— E.A. Bucchianeri
Shall we proceed, and ought I do so with my knife drawn?”“You’d better keep it where it is for the moment,” he said. “Otherwise you might stab me to death accidentally.” .“If I stab you to death,” she said, “it will not be accidental.
— Loretta Chase, Mr. Impossible
We're all leaving now", Blue Eyes whispered to her. "Together. Out the front door. Scream, and we'll kill you here and now."Or later", Willow suggested nervously. "Later would be a big improvement on that idea. We could meet back here in, say, an hour, and you can exhibit your homicidal tendencies then, okay? That would be way better for us.
— Christopher Golden, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Vol. 2
Sometime later the islanders on a little rimward atoll were amazed to find, washed into their little local lagoon, the wave-rocked corpse of a hideous sea monster, all beaks, eyes and tentacles. They were further astonished at its size, since it was rather larger than their village. But their surprise was tiny compared to the huge, stricken expression on the face of the dead monster, which appeared to be have been trampled to death. 
— Terry Pratchett, The Color of Magic
It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit my profile, then waited as the seating and controls rearranged themselves slightly, piezoelectric actuators humming. As I started to reverse out of the parking bay, the stereo began a soothing improvisation, flashing up a deadpan title: Music for Leaving Airports 11 June 2008.
— Greg Egan
Denis could think of no logical reason why he should not attempt to mate with Beth Cooper.There were no laws explicitly against it.They were of the same species, and had complementary sex organs, most likely, based on extensive mental modeling Denis had done.
— Larry Doyle, I Love You, Beth Cooper
God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take God by surprise.
— Langston Hughes
-I love you, Lenny.-From the diaphragm.-What are you talking about?-You have to say it from the diaphragm. That's a muscle in here. Real deep, not from the throat. I tried to be an actor once and that's the first thing they told me. That's when I quit. I just didn't have that much in my diaphragm.
— Romain Gary, خداحافظ گاری کوپر
The encapsulated bird your conspirators sent you to fetch. The sterilized male chicken with the Creator DNA sequences. The plot capon. Where is it?
— Charles Stross, Saturn's Children
He's got a chloroform-soaked rag in one hand, and before Judy realizes what's happening, the dude is all over her like fat on cheese.
— Dean Koontz, Seize the Night
...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.
— Christopher Moore, Sacré Bleu: A Comedy d'Art
Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.
— Graham Greene, The Quiet American
His jaw was set, telling me I should back off. Unfortunately, being a gobby cow meant I couldn’t.
— Kyra Lennon, If I Let You Go
...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.
— Joshua Donellan, Zeb and the Great Ruckus
He must have been delightful," she said, "when he was alive!
— Margaret Widdemer, The Rose-Garden Husband
He eased back and murmured, “You taste so damn sweet. Like maple syrup.”“And you taste like stolen bacon.
— Lorelei James, Hillbilly Rockstar
Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube.
— Jane Davitt, Rock and a Hard Place
A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.
— Frater U.:D.:, Where Do Demons Live?: Everything You Want to Know about Magic
Eating was easy. Thinking was hard.
— Jeanette Winterson, The Daylight Gate
So asking you to take a moonlit walk with me, that would totally not work?""What?" Again that glare. "Go away. Stop being an idiot. I don't even know you.""You're healing my little brother Bowie.""Yeah, that doesn't make us friends, kid.""So no moonlight.""Are you retarded?""Sunrise? I could get up early.""Go away.""Sunset tomorrow?" -Sanjit & Lana
— Michael  Grant, Plague
Well he should get over himself. He tried to get me burned at the stake in Brit History yesterday. Here I am minding my own business like a good little girl, and out of the blue Tucker raises his hand and accuses me of being a witch" "sounds like something Tucker would do" admits wendy."Everybody had to vote on it. I barely escaped with my nuns life. Obviously I'll have to return the favour.
— Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
Mary, you know I hate parties. My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room where everybody has to play hockey properly.
— Stella Gibbons, Cold Comfort Farm
The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.
— Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident
Preserve me from such cordiality! It is like handling briar-roses and may-blossoms - bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the detriment of your own fingers.
— Anne Brontë, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
GUIL: It [Hamlet's madness] really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws -- riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless in public -- knock-kneed, droop-stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong.ROS: And talking to himself.GUIL: And talking to himself.
— Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.
— Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
Aim towards enemy." - instructions on U.S. rocket launcher
— U.S. instruction manual
You will be interested to hear, Hilary, that it [the drug] had a most remarkable effect — even on Selena after a very modest quantity. She cast off all conventional restraints and devoted herself without shame to the pleasure of the moment." I asked for particulars of this uncharacteristic conduct. "She took from her handbag a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice and sat on the sofa reading it, declining all offers of conversation.
— Sarah Caudwell, The Shortest Way to Hades
Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did."She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but she'd had enough of having her brain played with – it wouldn't be too sporting to do the same to him. "Yes, I remember, and don't you think for one minute that just because you had me on my back screaming I was 'yours'," she waved four fingers in quotation marks in front of his face, "that it gives you any kind of ownership over me, because it doesn't."He looked annoyed, then relieved, then he laughed. "Yeah, whatever, baby.
— Dianna Hardy, The Sands Of Time
There's always a 'but' when it comes to jobs. Like, I love my job but my colleagues are first-rate, but...a couple of them like to dress like superheroes on the weekend and I can't help but wonder if they're nuts." - Logan
— Nicholas Sparks, The Lucky One
Stephen nodded. 'Tell me,' he said, in a low voice, some moments later. 'Were I under naval discipline, could that fellow have me whipped?'He nodded towards Mr Marshall. 'The master?' cried Jack, with inexpressible amazement. 'Yes,' said Stephen looking attentively at him, with his head slightly inclined to the left. 'But he is the master...' said Jack. If Stephen had called the sophies stem her stern, or her truck her keel, he would have understood the situation directly; but that Stephen should confuse the chain of command, the relative status of a captain and a master, of a commissioned officer and a warrant officer, so subverted the natural order, so undermined the sempiternal universe, that for a moment his mind could hardly encompass it. Yet Jack, though no great scholar, no judge of a hexameter, was tolerably quick, and after gasping no more than twice he said, 'My dear sir, I beleive you have been lead astray by the words master and master and commander- illogical terms, I must confess. The first is subordinate to the second. You must allow me to explain our naval ranks some time. But in any case you will never be flogged- no, no; you shall not be flogged,' he added, gazing with pure affection, and with something like awe, at so magnificent a prodigy, at an ignorance so very far beyond anything that even his wide-ranging mind had yet conceived.
— Patrick O'Brian, Master and Commander
We are searching for the same thing,” Stripey said.“How do you know?” Janco asked.“I read his mind.” The Sitian pointed to Ari. “Yours was too…chaotic. Too many useless thoughts to wade through.”A compliment or an insult? Janco guessed compliment and preened.
— Maria V. Snyder, Power Study
Mercer,” Polly says, “we are now going to hug. As a group. The experience will be very un-English. It will be good for you. Do not speak, at all, especially not in an attempt to diffuse the emotional intensity of the situation.”They hug, somewhat awkwardly, but with great feeling.“Well,” Mercer says, after a moment, “that was certainly—”“I will hit you with a shovel,” Polly Cradle murmurs.
— Nick Harkaway, Angelmaker
Naboo: "You've read all the books, but when it comes to the crunch, where are you?"Saboo: "The crunch! How dare you speak to me of the crunch? You know nothing of the crunch. You've never even been to the crunch!"Naboo: "Been there once."Saboo: "Oh, a little day trip 'round the crunch, we can all go there as tourists. 'Ooh, that's a bit of crunch-'"Naboo: "Shut it!
— Julian Barratt
The thought of talking about it made Pueblo's gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she'd told him her version yet. She had balls of steel, he thought with a smile. And what did he have? Three pairs of loin cloths going crisp on the radiator.
— Dianna Hardy, The Sands Of Time
The place had enormous possibilities. He realized that at once. The stream, of course, was perfect for sailing toy boats, for skipping stones, and, in the event of failing inspiration, for falling into. Several of the trees appeared to have been specifically designed for climbing, and one huge, white old birch overhanging the stream promised the exhilarating combination of climbing a tree and falling into the water, all at one time.
— David Eddings, Guardians of the West
Do you really think he was flirting with me?""Let's see. He gave you candy you hate - I saw your face - and a CD of songs..." He looks at the CD. "All of these are, like, twenty years old at least. Figures. Oh, and he groped your face. Sounds like true love to me.
— Elizabeth Scott, Something, Maybe
It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large, uncomfortable stone.No, wait… In his disoriented state, he shifted his weight. The stone didn't move. He was lying on his own fucking erection.
— Dianna Hardy, The Sands Of Time
I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.
— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.
— Jo Brand
All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.
— Fred Allen
How on earth did I get here, and where the hell are my pants?
— John Nunley
Network administrators all share an abiding and passionate desire for one thing: We want our users to shut up.
— Michael W. Lucas
Do you know what she did today?" He leaned confidentially across the table, pointing at the dishes in the sink. "She went to the market and left all the breakfast dishes there and said she'd do them later. I know what she wanted. She expected me to do them. Well, I'll fool her. I'll leave them just where they are.
— Ayn Rand
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was...........Dumbledore!
— Tara Gilesbie, My Immortal
The trouble with England, he thinks, is that it's so poor in gesture. We shall have to develop a hand signal for ‘Back off, our prince is fucking this man's daughter.’ He is surprised that the Italians have not done it. Though perhaps they have, and he just never caught on.
— Hilary Mantel, Wolf Hall
I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!
— Tara Gilesbie, My Immortal
Agent Jones held Sinjin’s face in his hands. “I’m going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals.”“How right you are, strange delusional man,” Sinjin said.
— Libba Bray, Beauty Queens
Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.
— Tom Stoppard, Arcadia
Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then — and this is the important bit — do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies.
— Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten
Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.
— Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei
Thou art hunger, yo. Make with the starvation.
— Jackie Morse Kessler, Hunger
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
Manners come down to a single principle, talk of nothing that might actually prove interesting.
— Meredith Duran, A Lady's Lesson in Scandal
He was certain he was anorectic, because every time he looked in a mirror he saw a fat man. It was the Archchancellor, standing behind him and shouting at him.
— Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
Bob loses saving throw vs. shiny with a penalty of -5. Bob takes 2d8 damage to the credit card.
— Charles Stross, The Fuller Memorandum
Aren't maids the ultimate art critics?
— John Waters, Role Models
Either a species learns to control its own population, or something like disease, famine, war, will take care of the issue.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby
I was emotionally erect.
— Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
How come you like Josh so much anyway? All he does is sit around drinking overpriced coffee and bitching about how awful things are""He cares about the world.""If he cared about the world, he'd donate the ten thousand dollars he must spend on coffee every year to charity. That would be doing something.
— Elizabeth Scott, Something, Maybe
Don Pedro - (...)'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.'Benedick - The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead, and let me be vildly painted; and in such great letters as they writes, 'Here is good horse for hire', let them signify under my sign, 'Here you may see Benedick the married man.
— William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing
The nuisance of her presence outweighs the gratification to be derived from tormenting her
— Emily Brontë
If he were a man of strong mind, it only gave him fits; but a person of mere average intellect it usually sent mad.
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living.
— Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Always remember rule #6... don't take yourself so damn seriously
— Ben and Rosamund Zander
Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over.""Not guilty.""Also, it's not very nice to lie in court.""But it beats extradition.
— Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei
Joe: Oo, Brittany "Aren't I Fabulous?" Hobson?Addie: She's not that bad.Joe: Brittany "All the Boys Like Me, I'm so Popular I Could Die" Hobson.Addie: Joe!
— James Howe, The Misfits
Don't mind Russ," he says. "He's a good kid underneath all those holes, although it's a wonder he doesn't spring a leak when he drinks
— Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants
I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.
— Lauren Ambrose as Claire Fisher
Strange, isn't it,' mused Glokta as he watched him struggle for air. 'Big men, small men, thin men, fat men, clever men, stupid men, they all respond the same to a fist in the guts. One minute you think you're the most powerful man in the world. The next you can't even breathe by yourself.
— Joe Abercrombie, Before They Are Hanged
It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon it says, "Work!" After beefsteak and porter, it says, "Sleep!" After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls for each cup, and don't let it stand for more than three minutes), it says to the brain, "Now rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature, and into life: spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to the gates of eternity!
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
— Demetri Martin, This is a Book
If the colour of life turns grey turn the palette the other way
— Benny Bellamacina, Piddly Poems for Children
Intellectual controversies tend to be like dog fights without the teeth, in which the barking not the biting does the damage.
— Luis Fernando Verissimo, Borges and the Eternal Orangutans
Of the 2,639,857 faggots in the New York city area, 2,639,857 think primarily with their cocks.You didn't know that the cock was a thinking organ?Well, by this time, you should know that it is.
— Larry Kramer, Faggots
The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?""Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!""I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up at my door this early in the morning but the caffeine fortification was a bonus. The delivery guy pushed his clipboard at me. I held up my cup and raided my eyebrows.We had an entire conversation in the next seven seconds with our eyes and eyebrows.I told him that I wasn't giving up my coffee for his delivery. He told me that if I'd just sign on the damned dotted line he would get the hell out of here.I replied in turn that if he'd hold the clipboard instead of shoving it at me (I threw in a nod here for good measure), I'd sign the damned line.He finally sighed, turned the clipboard around and held the pen out.I braced the door with my hip, grabbed the pen and scrawled Wilma Flinstone on the paper.
— Nicole Hamlett, Huntress
Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.
— Howard Tayler, Under New Management
I’d spend hours in HMVs, Virgin Megastores and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds, listening to contemporary music of every genre – Britrock, heavy maiden, gang rap, brakebeat. And I came to a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988.
— Alan Partridge, I, Partridge: We Need to Talk About Alan
I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.I juggled two pressing needs:1) Protect the nethers.2) Leer
— B. Justin Shier, Zero Sight
I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, "Who? What? Where?" (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)
— B. Justin Shier, Zero Sight
I like you but you mightn't feel the same way about me, and I wouldn't blame you. To save us both from any awkward moments I've figured out an easy way to do this. Nod if you're even slightly interested in getting to know me. Write a ten page explanation if you're not.
— Bill Condon
I am on the divorce detox diet. I only eat younger men
— Erla-Mari Diedericks
Hi. I'm here to enlist.You can't. You aren't human.You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."Sounds like my kind of fun.-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
Holy shit," somebody muttered in the dark."A virgin," sputtered another."I didn't know they still made them.""He just did.
— Larry Kramer, Faggots
I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake.
— Bob Hudson
No, but if I were an illegal, experimental replicant hiding the truth of an international conspiracy I would try and put myself out of the way of those investigating it, wouldn't you? I don't think hiding under a bed will be very successful. But, if you've any better idea of what the deadly robot assassin is up to, please feel free to act upon it.
— Guy Haley, Reality 36
So it was perfectly possible that there were men who liked shopping, men who understood exactly what it was all about, but Mma Ramotwe had yet to meet such a man. Maybe they existed elsewhere - in France, perhaps - but they did not seem to be much in evidence in Botswana.
— Alexander McCall Smith, The Saturday Big Tent Wedding Party
It is a curiously moving experience, to hear 350 sailors uttering the words "Oh shit!" in eleven different languages.
— John Biggins, The Emperor's Coloured Coat: In Which Otto Prohaska, Hero of the Habsburg Empire, Has an Interesting Time While Not Quite Managing to Avert the First World War
...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...
— Carla Foft, Addressing Spirits
Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw.It was its tendency to bend at the knees.
— Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.
— Jefferson Smith, Strange Places
After that, we had a short conversation about how your body can sometimes seem totally separate. She said her body can feel like a distant bureaucracy controlled by telegrams from her brain, and I said my body is sometimes like that of Mario Mario, being controlled with a Nintendo joypad. Mario's surname is Mario.
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
She was nothing more than a mere good-tempered, civil and obliging Young Woman; as such we could scarcely dislike her -- she was only an Object of Contempt
— Jane Austen, Love and Freindship and Other Early Works
Ask any Ferrari, Porsche or Ray-Ban salesperson about their average customer and you will very likely hear that he is not, as the adverts would have us believe, a virile young footballer with shiny hair, a rippling six pack and a trouser pouch like a new punch bag. He is, in fact, a middle-aged bloke wearing more chins than he started life with and carrying the clear evidence of forty years of beer and pies slung across his midriff.
— Richard Hammond, Or Is That Just Me?
But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.
— Joseph Heller, Catch-22
If wishes were horses, I'd need a very big stable.
— Greg  Curtis
Lucky Luke: I wonder how you manage to read with everything that's going on.Jolly Jumper: By turning the pages just like everyone else.
— Morris, The Bridge on the Mississippi
As you can see, the hyphen is a nasty, tricky, evil little mark that gets its kicks igniting arguments in newsrooms and trying to make everyone in the English-speaking world look like an idiot - it's the Bill Maher of punctuation.
— June Casagrande, Grammar Snobs Are Great Big Meanies: A Guide to Language for Fun and Spite
The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.
— Peter Grimwade, Doctor Who: Mawdryn Undead
... and because they were fond of reading, she fancied them satirical: perhaps without exactly knowing what it was to be satirical; but that did not signify. It was censure in common use, and easily given.
— Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
When he pursed his lips and dropped a hand into his coat pocket, the last thing Nur expected him to pull out was a cricket ball. "I'd hoped for a disruptor at least," she muttered reprovingly. The Doctor slipped three fingers around the ball and hefted it experimentally. "I thought we'd try something a little less excessive." He breathed gently on to the maroon leather and polished it on his leg as the Sontaran finally tossed the Kshatriya aside and stopped to pick up its fallen weapon. He stepped around the corner, sighting along his free arm as the Sontaran straightened, its back fully turned. The cricket ball flashed down the length of the corridor in the blink of an eye, punching into the back of the Sontaran's collar and ricocheting away. To Nur's astonishment, the alien spasmed and crashed to the floor like a falling tree. "Out for a duck," the Doctor commented, blowing across his fingertips. "I've never seen anything killed by a cricket ball before." "You haven't yet. He'll wake up in a few minutes.
— David A. McIntee, Doctor Who: Lords of the Storm
I was camped at the same site as her: Broughton Farm. She came over to my tent and showed me her blisters. She asked me whether I knew the reason why a blister can keep on producing fluid ad infinitum. I said that I had always wondered the same thing about mucus. One of the reasons we are together is because we have similar interests.
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
I don't believe in ghosts but they blindly believe in me
— Amit Abraham
it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.
— G.K. Chesterton, All Things Considered
Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.
— Joe Dunthorne, Submarine
I'm talking to a journalist and I really have nothing to say anymore, this is already uncomfortable. I feel the pain coming already. The brutal pain, when one day I should read your edit of whatever I say, because no matter what I say, no matter how I say it, no matter its tone, its frequency range, its decibel level or the way in which I put the words together, no matter my intentions and no matter the truth. What I'll read one day will be a chastised, manipulated abortion of your misunderstandings, your manipulations, your agenda and your amateur use of the English language.
— Vincent Gallo
No more creepy online alter egos in the name of love.
— Elizabeth Rudnick, Tweet Heart
I tell myself not to feel sexually threatened. I am of no special interest
—  he could just as easily be angling for the printer.
How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?
— Jefferson Smith, Strange Places
I think I know where my life went wrong. For all the world's a stage and I'm a lousy actor!
— Greg  Curtis
When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.
— Lawrence Shorter
But neither could compare with the gargantuan natural edifice that was the mountain upon which Nachtstürm Castle rose. It was a mountain made of the darkness between two lightning bolts. It was made less of earth than Stygian frost. Whole towns fell away as they ascended, as though the ranks of black and frowning conifers waged war against the humans below. Even the path – rather narrow and rarely straight – seemed less made by centuries of pilgrim feet and more by the trace of some careless demon’s claw.It was, in fact, perfect.
— Emily C.A. Snyder, Nachtstürm Castle: A Gothic Austen Novel
I make my way back whistling. Gerry nods towards Mrs Brady who is standing beside the trolleys.Morning, Mrs Brady, I say cheerfully.I push her provisions out to the car.Things are something terrible, she says. You can't trust anybody.No.It's come to a sorry pass.It has.There's hormones in the beef and tranquillizers in the bacon. There's men with breasts and women with mickeys. All from eating meat.Now.I steer a path between a crowd of people while she keeps step alongside.Can you believe it - they're feeding the pigs Valium. If you boil a bit of bacon you have to lie down afterwards. Dear oh dear.Yes, I nod.The thought of food makes me ill.The pigs are getting depressed in those sheds. If they get depressed they lose weight. So they tranquillize them. Where will it end?I don't know, Mrs Brady, I say. I begin filling the boot. That's why I started buying lamb. Then along came Chernobyl. Now you can't even have lamb stew or you'll light up at night! I swear. And when they've left you with nothing safe to eat, next thing they come along and tell you you can't live in your own house.I haven't heard of that one, Mrs Brady.Listen to me. She took my elbow. It could all happen that you're in your own house and the next thing is there's radiation bubbling under the floorboards.What?It comes right at you through the foundations. Watch the yogurts. Did you hear of th
— Dermot Healy, Sudden Times
Democracy means the opportunity to be everyone's slave.
— Karl Kraus
I have actually known a case where a Woman has exterminated her whole household, and half an hour afterwards, when her rage was over and the fragments swept away, has asked what has become of her husband and her children.
— Edwin A. Abbott, Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
— Bob Hope
Her metaphors for her children included barnacles encrusting a ship and limpets clinging to a rock.
— Margaret Atwood, The Edible Woman
While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.
— James Finn Garner
Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I'll show you a woman with enlarged pores.
— Cynthia Heimel, Sex Tips For Girls: Lust, Love, and Romance from the Lives of Single Women
Mother Goose!I have never much cared for flippant remarks, especially when others make them, and in particular, I don't give a frog's fundament for them when they come from an adult.
— Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag
But what he said was true enough: I had recently destroyed a perfectly good set of wire braces by straightening them to pick a lock. Father had grumbled, of course, but had made another appointment to have me netted and dragged back up to London, to that third-floor ironmonger's shop in Farringdon Street, where I would be strapped to a board like Boris Karloff as various bits of ironmongery were shoved into my mouth, screwed in, and bolted to my gums.
— Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag
When the waiter brought the cheese-board, there was a large carrot carved in the shape of a mermaid sitting between the Dolcelatte and the Pecorino. Teo could have sworn that the carrot-mermaid flexed her tail and plunged her little hand inside a smelly Gorgonzola. 'Tyromancy, ye know,' remarked the mermaid. 'The Ancient Art of Divination by Cheese.' Then she pulled her tiny hand out and inspected the green cheese-mold on her tiny fingers. 'Lackaday!' she moaned. 'Stinking! It goes poorly for Venice and Teodora, it do!
— Michelle Lovric, The Undrowned Child
My doggy ate my homework.He chewed it up," I said.But when I offered my excuseMy teacher shook her head. I saw this wasn't going well.I didn't want to fail.Before she had a chance to talk,I added to the tale:"Before he ate, he took my workAnd tossed it in a pot.He simmered it with succotashTill it was piping hot."He scrambled up my science notesWith eggs and bacon strips,Along with sautéed spelling wordsAnd baked potato chips."He then took my arithmetic And had it gently fried.He broiled both my book reports With pickles on the side."He wore a doggy apronAs he cooked a notebook stew.He barked when I objected.There was nothing I could do.""Did he wear a doggy chef hat?"My teacher gave a scowl."He did," I said. "And taking itWould only make him growl."My teacher frowned, but then I said As quickly as I could,"He covered it with ketchup, And he said it tasted good.""A talking dog who likes to cook?" My teacher had a fit.She sent me to the office, And that is where I sit.I guess I made a big mistake In telling her all that.'Cause I don't have a doggy. It was eaten by my cat.
— Dave Crawley
Lussurioso: "Welcome, be not far off, we must be better acquainted. Push, be bold with us, thy hand!"Vindice: "With all my heart, i'faith. How dost, sweet musk-cat? When shall we lie together?"Lussurioso: (aside) "Wondrous knave!Gather him into boldness? 'Sfoot, the slave'sAlready as familiar as an ague,And shakes me at his pleasure! -- Friend, I canForget myself in private, but elsewhere,I pray do you remember be."Vindice: "Oh, very well, sir.I conster myself saucy."Lussurioso: "What hast been? What profession?"Vindice: "A bone-setter."Lussurioso: "A bone-setter!"Vindice: "A bawd, my lord, one that sets bones together."Lussurioso: (aside) "Notable bluntness!
— Thomas Middleton, The Revenger's Tragedy
Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering iron stuck up their arse.
— Alexei Sayle, Barcelona Plates
The only good thing about that decision, Gatt, is that I'll get tea before you.
— Graham Gooch
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
— Dan Quayle
The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.
— Barbara Kingsolver, The Lacuna
A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. For two weeks now his sense of smell had been much keener, no doubt a side effect of a strict diet. Maybe he got a whiff of Mabel's finest, he wasn't sure, but a craving came over him. Suddenly, he had to have something to eat. Suddenly, he wanted to snatch the bag from Kendall, rip open a package, and start gnawing on a fruitcake.
— John Grisham