c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.” The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?” The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly. I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
— Eleanor Roosevelt
They're book addicts.
— Lemony Snicket, The Miserable Mill
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
— Rudyard Kipling, Under The Deodars
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
— Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.
— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys
Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.
— Derek Landy
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
— Rita Rudner
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
— Jon Stewart
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
— Stephen Colbert
Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.
— Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
— Veronica Roth, Allegiant
If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.
— Albert Camus, The Stranger
You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister.""Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure.""I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said. "Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
— George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all
—  it's just your sucky personality.
It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-""You invented the internet?", Martha said., George said."It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy. 
— Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls' Dance
Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's""I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Silence
There are never enough 'I love you's.
— Lenny Bruce
The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
— Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns
How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline."I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave.""Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline."Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.
— Neil Gaiman, Coraline
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
— Susan Ee, World After
A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.
— Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine
If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
— David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
— Flannery O'Connor, Mystery and Manners: Occasional Prose
Fresh is better. But you've never drunk fresh blood. Have you?"Simon raised his eyebrow in response."Well, aside from mine of course," Jace said. "And I'm pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
— Bill Watterson
I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,
— Jeff Kinney, Diary of a Wimpy Kid
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.", The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
— Stephen Fry
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
— Mark Twain
Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy—this boy!—knows nothin' abou'—about ANYTHING?"Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad."I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Awww," Minho said. "That's almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.
— James Dashner, The Death Cure
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
I'm going to talk to her.""And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!
— J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said.
— Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice
So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?--ZP.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn't mind.Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see each other outside our school in a social environment, free of competetiton. I do not view other boys as threats, and I enjoy making them seem insignificant by calling them the wrong names. (Translation by Macey McHenry)
— Ally Carter, Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
— Jon Stewart
Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?""I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?""No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking.
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about.""I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"Dimitri sighed.
— Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice
Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
— Rachel Caine, Glass Houses
Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?''Not really.'Okay. 'Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?'He grinned wickedly. 'Not really.'Fabulous. 'Does it involve the use of a safe word?''That will depend entirely on you.' Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. 'I'll be gentle,' Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.I narrowed my eyes at him. 'You're evil.'In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. 'And you're mine,' he said, then walked away.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
— Douglas Adams, The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
— Abraham Lincoln
Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.
— Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning
He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
— Augusten Burroughs
We are not going to die." Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?" "No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.
— Jim Butcher, Dead Beat
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
— Jon Stewart
It’s sarcasm, Josh.”“Sarcasm?”“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”“There you go, you got it.”“Got what?”“Sarcasm.”“No, I meant it.”“Sure you did.”“Is that sarcasm?”“Irony, I think.”“What’s the difference?”“I haven’t the slightest idea.”“So you’re being ironic now, right?”“No, I really don’t know.”“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”“Now you’ve got it.”“What?”“Sarcasm.
— Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
— Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
— Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
— Jim Morrison
He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.” “No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor." Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“ Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire
Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun.""Fun" she said unhappily."Blue elephants.""Blue elephants.""Kiss me you fool.""You fool.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
— George Carlin
I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.
— Roald Dahl, Matilda
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
— Carl Sagan, Broca's Brain: Reflections on the Romance of Science
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time." Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.""I was referring to the Bible."Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
— Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code
I hate you," I muttered.Noah smiled wider. "I know.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.", 1657)
— Blaise Pascal, The Provincial Letters
Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.
— Jon Scieszka, Funny Business
Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
— Ally Carter
Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji?" me?
— Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me
You smell good," he whispered into my neck. He was warm against me. Instinctively, I arched back into him and smiled.  "Really?" "Mmm-hmm. Delicious. Like bacon.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.
— Ernest Cline, Ready Player One
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
— Arthur Schopenhauer, Religion: A Dialogue and Other Essays
Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time."What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?""You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.
— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
— Stephen Fry
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
— George Bernard Shaw
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
— Christopher Paolini, Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
I've had great success being a total idiot. 
— Jerry Lewis
Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.
— Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.
— Neal Stephenson
There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'""The mood will pass, sir.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
— George Bernard Shaw, John Bull's Other Island
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.
— Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns
25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.
— Henry David Thoreau, Journal #14
Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck...Attempting harder to give a fuck...Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.
— Suzanne Wright, Feral Sins
Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.
— Veronica Roth, Divergent
You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
— Bill Watterson
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.
— Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
— Dorothy Parker
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
— Geoff Johns, Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
— Kristin Cashore, Graceling
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
— Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
Almost everything strange washes up near Miami. 
— Rick Riordan
You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?''REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
This book was written using 100% recycled words.
— Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
— George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.
— James Patterson, School's Out—Forever
Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.
— Tamora Pierce, Emperor Mage
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
— Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites
Fred, you next," the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?" "Sorry, George, dear." "Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!
I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Frank stared at him. "Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it's unfair that I can be an elephant?"Percy considered. "Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you're totally beast-""Just shut up," Frank said. "Please."Percy cracked a smile.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
— Dorothy Parker
Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry" said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying "oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy? "I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you." "Lord of the Universe?" (Jason) "Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo) "Shut up, Valdez." (Jason) Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you." "I apologize for apologizing." (Jason) "Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant
— Derek Landy, Playing with Fire
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
— Groucho Marx
Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.
— Lora Brody
Do not do that again," he said stiffly."Don't kiss me back then," I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control.""You're doing a great job," I said bitterly.
— Richelle Mead, Frostbite
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
— George Carlin
Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.
— Jane Austen
I can't go on, I'll go on.
— Samuel Beckett, I Can't Go On, I'll Go On: A Samuel Beckett Reader
I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?""Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um...
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
— Steve Martin
Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open."Have you been watching Oprah again?
— James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work! over it.
— James Patterson, Max
We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.
— David Mamet, Boston Marriage
The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Take bread away from me, if you wish,take air away, butdo not take from me your laughter.Do not take away the rose,the lance flower that you pluck,the water that suddenlybursts forth in joy,the sudden waveof silver born in you.My struggle is harsh and I come backwith eyes tiredat times from having seenthe unchanging earth,but when your laughter entersit rises to the sky seeking meand it opens for me allthe doors of life.My love, in the darkesthour your laughteropens, and if suddenlyyou see my blood stainingthe stones of the street,laugh, because your laughterwill be for my handslike a fresh sword.Next to the sea in the autumn,your laughter must raiseits foamy cascade,and in the spring, love,I want your laughter likethe flower I was waiting for,the blue flower, the roseof my echoing country.Laugh at the night,at the day, at the moon,laugh at the twistedstreets of the island,laugh at this clumsyfool who loves you,but when I openmy eyes and close them,when my steps go,when my steps return,deny me bread, air,light, spring,but never your laughter. 
— Pablo Neruda
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.
— John Green, An Abundance of Katherines
Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I'm kidding.For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I'm kidding.We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding.If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr., A Man Without a Country
Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?
— Frank Zappa
I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
His Majesty needs a can-I girl anyway. And I'm not it.""A can-I girl?" Andrea frowned. I leaned back. "'Can I fetch your food, Your Majesty? Can I tell you how strong and mighty you are, Your Majesty? Can I pick your fleas, Your Majesty? Can I kiss your ass, Your Majesty? Can I..." It dawned on me that Raphael was sitting very still. Frozen, like a statue, his gaze fixed on the point above my head. "He's standing behind me, isn't he?" Andrea nodded slowly."Technically it should be 'may I'," Curran said, his voice deeper than I remembered. "Since you're asking for permission." Why me? "To answer your question, yes, you may kiss my ass. Normally I prefer maintain my personal space, but you're a Friend of the Pack and your services have proven useful once or twice. I strive to accommodate the wishes of persons friendly to my people. My only question is, would kissing my ass be obeisance, grooming, or foreplay?
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes
I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.
— Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave
As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
— Bill Bryson, The Lost Continent: Travels in Small Town America
I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.
— Robin McKinley, Sunshine
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
— Mae West
People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
— Dave Barry
A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public
—  they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?
— David Foster Wallace, This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life
Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet."I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
— Steve Martin
The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.
— Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?""Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!""My figurine.""In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!""Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.
— Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse
There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely.""Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound
Life is like a box of chocolates.
— Winston Groom, Gump and Co.
Have any of you wondered what I did with all the cash Pekka Rollins gave us?""Guns?" asked Jesper."Ships?" queried Inej."Bombs?" suggested Wylan. "Political bribes?" offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. "This is where you tell us how awful we are," she whispered.
— Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom
The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.
— Carl Sagan
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
— Douglas Adams
Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."Phury: "That was you?"Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
— J.R. Ward, Lover Awakened
Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.
— Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book
We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.
— Jim Butcher, Grave Peril
Fate," Blue replied, glowering at her mother, "is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys
What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?
— Jess C. Scott, I'm Pretty
People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind
Piece of Heaven?" "No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.
— Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.
— Ally Carter, I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.!' Neville-'James rolled his eyes.....
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
— Douglas Coupland, JPod
You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.
— Moira Young, Blood Red Road
As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.
— Tad Williams
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
— Bill Watterson
Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
A demigod!" one snarled."Eat it!" yelled another.But that's as far as they got before I slashed a wide arc with Riptide and vaporized the entire front row of monsters."Back off!" I yelled at the rest, trying to sound fierce. Behind them stood their instructor--a six-foot tall telekhine with Doberman fangs snarling at me. I did my best to stare him down."New lesson, class," I announced. "Most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword. This change is completely normal, and will happen to you right now if you don't BACK OFF!"To my surprise, it worked. The monsters backed off, but there was at least twenty of them. My fear factor wasn't going to last that long.I jumped out of the cart, yelled, "CLASS DISMISSED!" and ran for the exit.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.
— Louis-Ferdinand Céline
Five syllables," Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
He'd changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped short. He look like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year.
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Well, that's an evil smile...
— James Patterson, The Angel Experiment
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
— Winston S. Churchill
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
— Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony
You fuck - you ate my cat!
— Kendare Blake, Anna Dressed in Blood
Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams
I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.
— Brandon Sanderson
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
— Lily Tomlin
Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really.
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
— Woody Allen
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
— John Green
Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
— Charles M. Schulz
So--what's it like, being a vampire?""Aline!" Isabelle looked appalled. "You can't just go around asking people what's it like to be a vampire!""I don't see why," Aline said. "He hasn't been a vampire that long, has he? So he must still remember what it was like being a person." She turned back to Simon. "Does blood taste like blood to you? Or does it taste like something else now, like orange juice or something? Because I would think the taste of blood would-""It tastes like chicken," Simon said, just to shut her up."Really?" Aline looked astonished."He's making fun of you, Aline," said Sebastain
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
— Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox
Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
— Colleen Hoover, Point of Retreat
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
— George Carlin
Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George's shop?''How did you...?''Harry, please. You're talking to the man who raised Fred and George.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.
— Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice
Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin.Don't die.I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me.Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead.He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Devil May Cry
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
— Winston S. Churchill
That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know.""Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind.""I so wish you hadn't said that.
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?
— P.C. Cast, Tempted
Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.
— Patricia Briggs, Silver Borne
It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
— Lemony Snicket
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
— George Carlin
The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
— George Bernard Shaw
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
— Leonard Bernstein
Now what happens?" asked the man in black. "We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.""You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
— Françoise Sagan
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
— Ronald Reagan
Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.
— Lemony Snicket, The End
A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.
— Lady Gaga
Right," she said, "We're going to the Land of the Dead and I shouldn't think negative.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
— George Burns
Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
— George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone
Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?""Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.
— Emma Chase, Tangled
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
— Christopher Moore, Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings