c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
— Mark Twain
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
— Albert Einstein
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
What do you think that fish is?' Sam asked Astrid.,' she said.'Yeah?' Sam made a face. 'Do you think it's okay to eat?'? Inedible? Joke, duh. Try to keep up, Sam, I made that really easy for you.'Sam smiled. 'You know, a real genius would have known I wouldn't get it. Ergo, you are not a real genius. Hah. That's right. I threw down an 'ergo.''She gave him a pitying look. 'That's very impressive, Sam. Especially from a boy who has twenty-two different uses for the word 'dude.
— Michael  Grant, Lies
...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.
— Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave
Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.
— George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords
We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
Tyson- "Cash? Like...green paper?"Percy- "Yeah."Tyson- "Like the kind in duffel bags?"Percy-"Yeah, but we lost those bags days a-g-g--." "Tyson! How did you--"Tyson- "Thought it was a feed bag for Rainbow. Found it floating in sea, but only paper inside. Sorry.
— Rick Riordan
What's going on?" Newt asked, looking back and forth between Thomas and Aris. "Why're you guys looking at each other like you just fell in love?
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.
— Lemony Snicket, The Hostile Hospital
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.
— Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Danse Macabre
Do you love him?"There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.
— Richelle Mead, Last Sacrifice
Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira...
— Tsugumi Ohba, Death Note, Vol. 2: Confluence
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing
— Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me
I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?
— Kresley Cole, No Rest for the Wicked
I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway.""While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
— Woody Allen
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" true?". "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me."Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.""Hey, now," said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands.  into?""Mermaids," said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed."," Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
— Johnny Depp
An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
— Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol, Thirty Are Better Than One
It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.
— G.K. Chesterton, The Ballad of the White Horse
Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid.
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.
— Marissa Meyer, Cress
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
— Matt Groening
Check out that one at the end. He's taken the form of a footstool. Weird...but somehow I like his style.""That is a footstool.
— Jonathan Stroud, The Golem's Eye
Would you like a cough drop Dolores?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I like to write when I feel spiteful. It is like having a good sneeze.", November 1913)
— D.H. Lawrence, Letters
I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!
— Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it," said Marvin."And what happened?" pressed Ford."It committed suicide," said Marvin and stalked off back to the Heart of Gold.
— Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
When God made man she was practicing.
— Rita Mae Brown, Cat on the Scent
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
— Steven Wright
You like them," I realized.Noah's eyebrows lifted in question."Like as people.""As opposed to...furniture?""They're my PARENTS.""That is my understanding, yes.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."I grinned. "I've noticed."Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term.""Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.
— Cate Tiernan, Immortal Beloved
I can still kick your pony-lovin' butt with twice this much pain."Thomas shrugged, "I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.
— James Dashner
I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Do you answer a question directly?""Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again
— Leigh Bardugo, Siege and Storm
What's another word for thesaurus?
— Steven Wright
I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!
— Karen Marie Moning, Darkfever
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not
—  a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why....this is why I like you.
— Morrissey
When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.And nearly choked to death.It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me."Wh...what is this?" I asked, coughing.Viktoria grinned. "Vodka."I peered at the glass. "No, it isn't. I've had vodka before.""Not Russian vodka."Apparently not.
— Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "So this is it, we're going to die."His first theory was that if human beings didn't keep exercising their lips, their mouths probably shriveled up.After a few months of observation he had come up with a second theory, which was this--"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.
— Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!
— Osho, Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously
I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens
Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look..." Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. "Leave your cloths on, Tori," Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. "Please.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Summoning
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
How do you feel right now?" "I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
— Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
Can you enter a house uninvited?""No.""Why?""That would be rude.
— Abigail Gibbs, Dinner with a Vampire
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. “Open it!” Leo yelled again.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.
— Mark Twain
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Adventures of Sally
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
— Dave Barry
Intelligent men are dangerous.
— Patricia Briggs, Dragon Bones
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
— Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
— Stephen Colbert, I Am America
What's with what you're wearing?" Griggs asks while we stand outside waiting for the others."It's pretty hideous, isn't it?" I say."Don't force me to look at it," he says. "It's see-through."That kills conversation for a couple of seconds.
— Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road
Oh... Adrian, I've got one more favor to ask you. A big one." "Fondue?" he asked hopefully.
— Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left.
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?""Blow me Shane.""Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table.""Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it.""You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here.
— Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley
The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
And you're blind?"Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.Were you born that way?"No."How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
— James Patterson, School's Out—Forever
He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently. mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Kiss
V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Eternal
Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them
— Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire
Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.
— Maureen Johnson, The World of the Golden Compass: The Otherworldly Ride Continues
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
— Charles M. Schulz
Is it time for your period, or something?" He turned around, all controlled aggression, and damned if he didn't push the button again. "What is it about having a period that makes women so bitchy?"" By the time the sentence ended the sweetness was long gone, my jaw was clenched, and I think my eyes were bugging out. Wyatt took a step back, belatedly looking alarmed.
— Linda Howard, Drop Dead Gorgeous
He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
— Stephen Colbert, I Am America
I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.
— Felicia Day
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
— Dylan Thomas
The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.
— Oscar Wilde
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
— Groucho Marx
If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.
— Beverly Cleary, Ramona's World
I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner
— Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
— Christopher Moore, Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
Someday is not a day of the week.
— Janet Dailey
Well", Fang said, mimicking a thick Southern drawl. "I must say its mighty nice of them Daimons to clean up after themselves when you kill them" He held his hands up to them. "Look Ma, no mess.""Does Fang have an off switch?" Talon asked Vane.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Night Embrace
I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!
— Diana Wynne Jones, Castle in the Air
A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
— Jenny  Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.
— Eugène Ionesco
The more excited I get, the more I vibrate.""Now there's a thought," Lor says."If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again," Ryodan says.
— Karen Marie Moning, Iced
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
— Isaac Asimov, I. Asimov
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
— Colleen Houck
Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?""Is that including, or not including you?
— Anthony Horowitz, Eagle Strike
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
— Terry Pratchett, Jingo
She shrugs."Men""Men.""If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?
— Cynthia Hand, Boundless
Tacos.""Tacos?" I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.""I know what a taco is!
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.
— Chris Rock
Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.
— Carroll Bryant
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
— Douglas Adams
I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
— Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.
— Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society
Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?
— P.G. Wodehouse, Mike and Psmith
I love you above all things, even pie.
— Christopher Moore, Fool
Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.
— Jim Butcher, White Night
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
— Alex Levine
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
— Oscar Wilde
Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely," said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. "But I must say, Ginevra's dress is far too low-cut."Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly faced the front again.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights.""Oh." His polite tone had returned."I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him."Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.
— Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
— Kathy Reichs, Virals
That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street.""No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress.""You can't be serious.""In the governor's manor.""Of all the -" "In the governor's bed.""Damned lunatic!""With the governor sleeping next to her."The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later."It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.
— Scott Lynch, Red Seas Under Red Skies
Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again.""I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!""Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."Lucien
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Kiss
When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.
— Robert Lynn Asprin
I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your parents." Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven huundred years old?" "Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I dont look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-" But Alec never found out what the point was because at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. He felt his jaw drop. "Damn it." Magnus followed his gaze. the demons were already fanning out into a half circle around them, their yellow eyes glowing. "Way to change the subject, Lightwood.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.
— Bill Watterson
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
— George Bernard Shaw
There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
— Lauren Morrill, Meant to Be
Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace" as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil" or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping.
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today.
— Emma Chase, Tangled
I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.
— Elizabeth Gaskell, Cranford
Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction.
— Kelley Armstrong, Stolen
Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson" he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see.""I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson."And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignficant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?""Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!
— Thomas Cathcart
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
— Natsuki Takaya
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
— Mark Twain, Notebook
You look as scary as a buttered muffin.
— Tamora Pierce
Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against the floor, and leave tearstains all over your pillowcase, sheets, and boomerang collection.
— Lemony Snicket, The Grim Grotto
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
— Mark Twain, Christian Science
In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
— H.L. Mencken
Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
— Nelson DeMille
The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.
— Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death
I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don't understand explain things you can't understand.
— R.J. Palacio, Wonder
Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
— Marie Lu, Champion
NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.
— Simone Elkeles, Perfect Chemistry
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
— Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.
— Molly Harper
The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
— Garrison Keillor
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
— Dave Barry
Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, The Laughing Corpse
It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, "Who's diving for clams now, bitch?
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me.""Do you mean you want a secretary or something?""No, I'm asking you to marry me, you little fool.
— Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca
Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif."She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-""Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have sixmembers in good standing.Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice."--Yelena to Leif
— Maria V. Snyder, Magic Study
Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.
— Jules Renard
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
— Mark Twain
Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.
— Alexandra Adornetto, Halo
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
— Walt Disney Company
And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
— Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.
— Scott Westerfeld, Uglies
[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?".""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google.
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.
— Chuck Palahniuk
Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!
— Amy Plum, Die for Me
Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.
— Pete Wentz
He smiled at that, and then his gaze shifted to a spot over my shoulder and it faded. 'These doubts wouldn’t have anything to do with the company you’re keeping of late, would they?'I didn’t get a chance to answer before the shop door was thrown open and a furious war mage stomped in. Pritkin spotted me and his eyes narrowed.'You shaved my legs?!'Mircea looked at me and folded his arms across his chest. I looked from one unhappy face to the other and suddenly remembered that I had somewhere else to be.
— Karen Chance, Curse the Dawn
Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.” like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me. better.
— Marie Lu, Prodigy
Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound
Stop!" Narcissus got to his feet. "This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be..." He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. "He must be tricking us." Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--
— Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
— Will Rogers
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
— Edward Verrall Lucas
Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
— Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex
If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !''because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.'This is different, pretending to be me -''Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'Harry did not smile. 'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.''Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.''Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
— Ronald Reagan
I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.""Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.""No, really. I'm trapped.""Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?""That's just it - I've never shape-shifted.""So you're not really a werewolf.""Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?
— Carrie Vaughn, Kitty and the Midnight Hour
I really should come with a warning label.
— Tom Upton
I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble. 
— Janet Evanovich, Twelve Sharp
And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.
— Elizabeth Eulberg, The Lonely Hearts Club
Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Any idiot can put up a website.
— Patricia Briggs, Blood Bound
Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. 
— George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman
Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you
— David Nicholls, One Day
When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine
— Margaret Thatcher
You have a very open relationship with your fans.""Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.
— Neil Gaiman
He whipped out his sheet, then pulled it over himself and wrapped it tightly around his face like an old woman in a shawl. 'How do I look?''Like the ugliest shanky girl I’ve ever seen,' Minho responded. 'You better thank the gods above you were born a dude.' 'Thanks.
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself. 
— Rachel Vincent, Rogue
I don’t believe in astrology
—  I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.
— Brandon Sanderson, The Well of Ascension
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
— Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
If you are good life is good.
— Roald Dahl, Matilda
Ack!" I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.
— Jim Butcher, Changes
Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?
— Marti Noxon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
— Iris Murdoch
A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
— Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.
— Brandon Mull
No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,
— Jeaniene Frost, Once Burned
Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches
— P.C. Cast
Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
— Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories
He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.
— Louise Rennison, Dancing in My Nuddy-Pants
This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.
— Philip K. Dick, VALIS
He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Whisper
Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.
— A.A. Milne
Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at himTell him that. Thats not nothing.Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.
— Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.
— Richelle Mead
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
— Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
— Sam Levenson
As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.
— John Green, Paper Towns
She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
What grinds me the most is we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`With that said, I'll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I'll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x - 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can't become a psychologist, a future lawyer can't become a lawyer, and I can't become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don't take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn't need to know that 'The Phantom of the Opoera' was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.Get my point?
— Chris Colfer, Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.” Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.” He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?” “I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Eternal
Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.
— Melissa de la Cruz, Blue Bloods
In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.
— J.G. Ballard, Running Wild
Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.
— Alan Bradley, The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.
— Neil Gaiman, Stardust
Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need o have another talk about your people skills.""Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―""Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?""Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled
— Rick Riordan, The Hidden Oracle
Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.
— Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl
How long have you been with Raphael?”“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”-Venom and Elena
— Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood
I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Jace said. "Brown?" said Isabelle."Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it." Jace said."Well, it was black but it faded." Alec said."Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly," Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband. "Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge." Simon said.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
— Mark Twain
His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, The Laughing Corpse
People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. "Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force.
— John Green, Paper Towns
I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers.""Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude.
— James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother
— Gena Showalter, Catch a Mate
This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?""I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?""Yes," she said."That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
— Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
— Yogi Berra
What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?" "Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.
— Cassandra Clare
That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.
— Rachel Caine, Glass Houses
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
— Jon Stewart