c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to "A lying liar who lies." Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.
— Jim Butcher, Ghost Story
For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.
— Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left
One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The tavern keeper, a wiry man with a sharp-nosed face, round, prominent ears and a receding hairline that combined to give him a rodentlike look, glanced at him, absentmindedly wiping a tankard with a grubby cloth. Will raised an eyebrow as he looked at it. He'd be willing to bet the cloth was transferring more dirt to the tankard then it was removing. "Drink?" the tavern keeper asked. He set the tankard down on the bar, as if in preparation for filling it with whatever the stranger might order. "Not out of that," Will said evenly, jerking a thumb at the tankard. Ratface shrugged, shoved it aside and produced another from a rack above the bar. "Suit yourself. Ale or ouisgeah?" Ousigeah, Will knew, was the strong malt spirit they distilled and drank in Hibernia. In a tavern like this, it might be more suitable for stripping runt than drinking. "I'd like coffee," he said, noticing the battered pot by the fire at one end of the bar. "I've got ale or ouisgeah. Take your pick." Ratface was becoming more peremptory. Will gestured toward the coffeepot. The tavern keeper shook his head. "None made," he said. "I'm not making a new pot just for you." "But he's drinking coffee," Will said, nodding to one side. Inevitably the tavern keeper glanced that way, to see who he was talking about. The moment his eyes left Will, an iron grip seized the front of his shirt collar, twisting it into a knot that choked him and at the same time dragged him forward, off balance, over the bar,. The stranger's eyes were suddenly very close. He no longer looked boyish. The eyes were dark brown, almost black in this dim light, and the tavern keeper read danger there. A lot of danger. He heard a soft whisper of steel, and glancing down past the fist that held him so tightly, he glimpsed the heavy, gleaming blade of the saxe knife as the stranger laid it on the bar between them. He looked around for possible help. But there was nobody else at the bar, and none of the customers at the tables had noticed what was going on. "Aach...mach co'hee," he choked. The tension on his collar eased and the stranger said softly, "What was that?" "I'll...make...coffee," he repeated, gasping for breath. The stranger smiled. It was a pleasant smile, but the tavern keep noticed that it never reached those dark eyes. "That's wonderful. I'll wait here.
— John Flanagan, Halt's Peril
Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . 
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.
— Natalia Kills
Claire said. “I might be able to get him to stop.” “Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off,” Shane said. “I kind of worry.”She couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah?”“A little bit.”“That’s …nice.”He studied her, and returned the smile. “Yeah,” he said. “Kind of is, actually.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.
— Claudia Gray, Afterlife
No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.
— Tessa Dare, A Night to Surrender
Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
She's fifteen!"Nash shrugged. "That's just a number. It doesn't say anything about her.""It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ!" I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him. "Fifteen is too young to drive, too young to get a legal job, too young to sign a lease, and obviously too young to pick a boyfriend with half a brain.
— Rachel Vincent, Reaper
I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.
— Jen Lancaster, Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer
You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
Foul!" yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. "Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.
— J.L. Langley, The Englor Affair
If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.
— Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?
— Christine Feehan, A Christine Feehan Holiday Treasury
So I have. Let me hold the baby, Scarlett. Oh, I know how to hold babies. I have many strange accomplishments. Well, he certainly looks like Frank. All except the whiskers, but give him time.”“I hope not. It’s a girl.
— Margaret Mitchell, Gone With the Wind
Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?
— Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
— Robert Orben
Pritkin muttered something that sounded fairly vicious. “My clothes are warded! Even if I wished to accede to your demand, it would not work on them.”“Then strip.”“I beg your pardon?” He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn’t possibly have heard right.
— Karen Chance, Embrace the Night
Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.
— Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation
I lost my balance when the train pulled away, but a human crumple zone buffered my fall. We stayed like that, half fallen. Diagonal People.
— David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas
You can go back to blacksmithing in Hintindar and live a quiet happy life. Do me a favor and marry some pretty farm girl and train your son to beat the crap out of imperial knights.""Sure," Hadrian told him. "And with any luck he'll make friends with a cynical burglar who'll do nothing but torment him.
— Michael J. Sullivan, Percepliquis
You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own —”“That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I’m not trying to—What do teenagers say nowadays?” he asked my grandmother.“Get all up in her biznez,” Nana said.Without cracking a smile.“That’s right,” he replied. “We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.
— Gena Showalter, Alice in Zombieland
POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.
— Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot
Wow, is that Katniss making out with Yoda?
— Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda
I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. "For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon." "Poor thing," I said. "It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly. "Shut up," Sam said pleasantly.
— Maggie Stiefvater, Forever
When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes
He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to his feet unexpectedly, waving his saxe knife around like a lunatic.
— John Flanagan, Halt's Peril
Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manch
— Patrick Ness, The Knife of Never Letting Go
The guy thought he was Mick Jagger. I felt bad for him.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die."Kate to Will
— Elizabeth Scott, Perfect You
Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.
— Benedict Cumberbatch
Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?
— L.J. Smith, Night World, No. 1
Looks like he's lost a guinea and found a farthing," Horace said, then added, unnecessarily, "Will, I mean."Halt turned in his saddle to regard the younger man and raised an eyebrow."I may be almost senile in your eyes, Horace, but there's no need to explain the blindly obvious to me. I'd hardly have thought you were referring to Tug.
— John Flanagan, Halt's Peril
I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.
— Tim Tharp, The Spectacular Now
Instead of finding himself in nerd heaven—where every nerd gets fifty-eight virgins to role-play with—he woke up in Robert Wood Johnson with two broken legs and a separated shoulder, feeling like, well, he'd jumped off the New Brunswick train bridge.
— Junot Díaz
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
— Demetri Martin
Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.
— Russell Brand
I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt
— Dannika Dark, Sterling
You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself."Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought...
— Janette Rallison, Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Free Throws
I'm jealous of your hooks," Kevin replied. "Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands."Don't be ridiculous," one of the white-faced women replied. "Having a white face is worse than both of your situations."But you have a white face because you put makeup on," Colette said, as Sunny climbed back out of the trunk and knelt down in the snow. "You're putting powder on your face right now.
— Lemony Snicket, The Slippery Slope
I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts," he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck."Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck.
— George R.R. Martin, A Dance with Dragons
You have the maturity of a 14-year-old boy!“ Kennedy hisses."And you have the chest of one.
— Emma Chase, Appealed
And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.
— Meg Cabot, Ninth Key
Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can't feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge, but I wasn't feeling a thing and it was beautiful.
— Harper Sloan, Axel
she committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm.
— David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men
You said you'd give me half an hour!''And you said you'd satisfy me whenever I wanted it. I want it now.' He removed is jacket. 'Drop the towel.''I-I never agreed to be naked!
— Kresley Cole, If You Deceive
I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.
— Libba Bray, Beauty Queens
There's a tavern by the docks. He's there most evenings.""Then I'll talk to him tonight," Halt said."You can try. But he's a hard case, Halt. I'm not sure you'll get anything out of him. He's not interested in money. I tried that.""Well, perhaps he'll do it out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sure he'll open up to me," Halt said easily. But Horace noticed a gleam in his eye. He was right: the prospect of having something to do had reawakened Halt's spirits. He had a score to settle, and Horace found himself thinking that it didn't bode well for this Black O'Malley character.Will eyes Halt doubtfully, however. "You think so."Halt smiled at him. "People love talking to me," he said. "I'm an excellent conversationalist and I have a sparkling personality. Ask Horace. I've been bending his ear all the way from Dun Kilty, haven't I?"Horace nodded confirmation. "Talking nonstop all the way, he's been," he said. "Be glad to see him turn all that chatter onto someone else.
— John Flanagan, Halt's Peril
Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, "We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever." I muttered.
— Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
You're dropping the bow hand as you release," he called, although Halt certainly wasn't.His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, "I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.
— John Flanagan, Halt's Peril
Aaaaw," squealed Iko. "Did Wold just say he loves Scarlet? That's so cute!"Scarlet cringed. "He did not - that wasn't -" She balled her fists against her sides. "Can we get back to these soldiers that are being rounded up, please?""Is she blushing? She sounds like she's blushing.""She's blushing." Thorne confirmed, shiffling the cards. "Actually, Wolf is also looking a little flustered -
— Marissa Meyer, Cress
Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.
— Lili St. Crow, Reckoning
Demon pox, oh demon poxJust how is it acquired?One must go down to the bad part of townUntil one is very tired.Demon pox, oh demon pox, I had it all along—Not the pox, you foolish blocks,I mean this very song—For I was right, and you were wrong!
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess
It was like hiking into a Hemingway story everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext. 
— Leslie What, Crazy Love
I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.
— Fran Lebowitz
You have food?" Winter scolded. "I thought you said you were hungry."I'm hungry for other things besides what I have," [Clover] argued.
— Obert Skye, Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo
She whistled when she noticed my back. I assume because of my injuries. I mean, my ass just isn't that spectacular.
— Lish McBride, Hold Me Closer, Necromancer
I like eggs and bacon,” George tells me. “But”—his face clouds—“do you know that bacon is”—tears leap to his eyes—“Wilbur?” Mrs. Garrett sits down next to him immediately. “George, we’ve been through this. Remember? Wilbur did not get made into bacon.” “That’s right.” I bend down too as wetness overflows George’s lashes. “Charlotte the spider saved him. He lived a long and happy life—with Charlotte’s daughters, um, Nelly and Urania and—” “Joy,” Mrs. Garrett concludes. “You, Samantha, are a keeper. I hope you don’t shoplift.”I start to cough. “No. Never.” “Then is bacon Babe, Mom? Is it Babe?”“No, no, Babe’s still herding sheep. Bacon is not Babe. Bacon is only made from really mean pigs,George.” Mrs. Garrett strokes his hair, then brushes his tears away.“Bad pigs,” I clarify.“There are bad pigs?” George looks nervous. Oops.“Well, pigs with, um, no soul.” That doesn’t sound good either. I cast around for a good explanation. “Like the animals that don’t talk in Narnia.” Dumb. George is four. Would he know Narnia yet? He’s still at Curious George.But understanding lights his face. “Oh. That’s okay then. ’Cause I really like bacon.
— Huntley Fitzpatrick, My Life Next Door
Is that all you bought?” His eyes shot to the left. “Um.” I clenched my teeth. “What else?” “A Super Mega Juicer,” he said quickly. “But, Sabina, seriously that juicer is a miracle machine.” “I’m a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don’t do juice.
— Jaye Wells, Red-Headed Stepchild
Pleased to meet you." Sage said, offering his hand. "The pleasure is all mine," Rayna Purred. "Unless ofcourse, it's all Clea's which is even better."Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was highly entertaining.
— Hilary Duff, Elixir
I'd like to thank readers. Every time you open a book, it is a strike against ignorance. Unless you're reading Sarah Palin.
— Libba Bray
Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours.
— Lauren Child, I Am Not Sleepy and I Will Not Go to Bed
Harley-Davidson," she said. "Sweet.
— Stieg Larsson, The Girl Who Played with Fire
this was business.
— Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
— Hillary Rodham Clinton
All right," Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. "Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?" Okay, so I'm a little distracted. "He's doing the back stroke.
— Tera Lynn Childs, Forgive My Fins
You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?""Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat."Almost stolen," Gracious corrected."Semi-stolen," said Donegan."Quasi-stolen," said Gracious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?"Donegan and Gracious hesitated."Yes," they both said together.
— Derek Landy, The Maleficent Seven: From the World of Skulduggery Pleasant
What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.
— Haven Kimmel, Girl Named Zippy: Growing Up Small in Mooreland, Indiana
Everything has taken on a strange, distant quality - the sounds of running and shouting outside get warped and weird like they're being filtered through water, and Alex looks miles away. I start to think I might be dreaming, or about to pass
— Lauren Oliver, Delirium
Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.
— Cassandra Clare
No headboards were broken.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Why were you watching me change?" I explain. "Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.
— Miranda Kenneally, Catching Jordan
Butterfly?" Will said. "Why Butterfly?" "I believe it's a term of great respect," Selethen said gravely. He was very obviously not laughing. Too obviously, Will thought. "It's all right for you," he said. "They called you 'Hawk.' Hawk is an excellent name. It's warlike and noble. But....Butterfly? Selethen nodded. "I agree that Hawk is an entirely suitable name. I assume it had to do with my courage and nobility of heart. Halt coughed and the Arridi lord looked at him, eyebrows raised. "I think it referred less to your heart and more to another part of your body," Halt said mildly. He tapped his finger meaningfully along the side of his nose. It was a gesture he'd always wanted an opportunity to use, and this one was to good to miss. Selethen sniffed and turned away, affecting not to notice.
— John Flanagan
Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. "Black bear," he repeated. "It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle." "I'd guess so," Will put in. "I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible.
— John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
They really hate you, yes they do. They hate everyone, how 'bout you?
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
I ain't never seen a creature like that before, she says. He's so smart, he's-More, like a person than a bird? I says.Yeah, she says. That's it.Whatever you do, I says, don't tell him that. I'll never hear the end of it.
— Moira Young, Blood Red Road
I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.
— MaryJanice Davidson, Me, Myself and Why?
Oh please," Scout said."Don't take that tone with me. You know you'd love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to yourself," Self, I need a unicorn to run errands and such?
— Chloe Neill, Firespell
And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.
— Joe Walker
Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.
— Lloyd Alexander, Westmark
Her eyes went so wide they nearly bulged. It was probably wrong of me to find that amusing. Or to want to take a photo of Nicholas with his fangs out and wearing a black cape lined with red satin and then hang it over my pillow in a heart-shaped frame.
— Alyxandra Harvey, Bleeding Hearts
We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally.
— George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?" -April"What?" -Grace"The Dynamic Duo!" -April"Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace"Oh Yeah... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred." April"My Alfred?" -Grace"Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!" -April" *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex" -Grace
— Bree Despain, The Lost Saint
Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
— Jeff Foxworthy
I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.
— Jen Lancaster, Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer
I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. 
— Rita Rudner
He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)
— Noel Gallagher
The Marquis sighed. "I thought it was just a legend," he said. "Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City."Old Bailey nodded, sagely: "What, the big white buggers? They're down there. I had a friend lost a head to one of them." A moment of silence. Old Naeiley handed the statue back to the Marquis. Then he raised his hand, and snapped it, like a crocodile hand, at the Carabas. "It was OK," gurned Old Bailey with a grin that was most terrible to behold. "He had another.
— Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere
She's Prim's size in diameter.
— Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
Most aspects of my training didn’t agree with me. There wasn’t as much bossing around as I’d hoped for, and there was way too much following orders.
— Rachel Vincent, Rogue
You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.
— - Jordan Kyle Cassandra Clare
The prince set her down and dismissed his valet. The latter left with a bow and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, the prince pulled off his stockings. As he walked toward the amethyst tub, he yanked his shirt over his head.He was lean and tightly sinewed. Her little bird heart thudded.He glanced at her, his lips curved in not quite a smile. The next thing she knew, his shirt had flown through the air and landed on the cage, blocking her view toward the bathtub.“Sorry, sweetheart. I am shy.”She chirped indignantly. It was not as if she would have continued to watch him disrobe beyond a certain point.
— Sherry Thomas, The Burning Sky
I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.
— Jenny Trout, Possession
Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.
— James Dashner, The Kill Order
I'd rather have rabies than be in love.""Why?""Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.
— Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Event
He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus
So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.
— Holly Hood, Prison of Paradise
What are you waiting for?" shanna asked. "He's dying! Do it!" Conner looked at Angus. "Ye do it. It was yer idea.""Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it.""I'm no' touching him." Conner said.He nudged Phineas "Ye do it.""I don't even know how!" Phineas poked at Robby. "You do it.""Why me?" Robby turned to Angus. "Ye're the expert. Ye do it."Angus grimaced. "I'm no' doing it. I hate the bugger.""Stop it!" Shanna screamed "You- Forget it! I'll do it myself.""Shanna you don't know how," Roman said."Gods blood. I guess I have to do it." "You guess?" Shanna cried "Are you going to let him die?""He threatens to kill me every time he sees me.
— Kerrelyn Sparks, Vampire Mine
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
— Johnny Carson
Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her.Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do."What do you make, Madam ?"Many things."For instance ---"For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly ,Shrouds."The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive .
— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?
— Michael Buckley, The Unusual Suspects
My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: "I want a spiritual teacher.
— Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Uphill? There's nothing up the hill," Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going."As a matter of fact, there is. There's a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running below it. The water's deep, so it'll be quite safe for you to jump." In his brief glimpse of the river, Halt had noticed that the fast-flowing water cut under the bluff in a sharp curve. That should mean that the bottom had been scoured out over the years. A thought struck him. "You can swim, I assume?""Yes. I can swim," Colly said. "But I'm going jumping off some bluff just because you say to!""No, no. Of course not. That'd be asking far too much of you. You'll jump off because if you don't, I'll shoot you. It'll be the same effect, really. If I have to shoot you, you'll fall off. But I thought I'd give you a chance to survive." Halt paused, then added, "Oh, and if you decide to run downhill, I'll also shoot you with an arrow. Uphill and off is really your only chance of survival.""You can't be serious!" Colly said. "Do you really-"But he got no further. Halt leaned forward, putting a hand up to stop the outburst."Colly, take a good, long look into my eyes and tell me if you see anything, anything at all, that says I'm not deadly serious."His eyes were deep brown, almost black. They were steady and unwavering and there was no sign of anything there but utter determination. Colly looked at them and after a few second, his eyes dropped away. halt nodded as the other man's gaze slid away from his."Good. Now we've got that settled, you should try to get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.
— John Flanagan, The Kings of Clonmel
When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each 
— Simone Elkeles, Rules of Attraction
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
— Ron White, I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
— Tommy Cooper
That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.
— Rick Riordan
I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.
— Wallace Wang
The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife
— Lisa McMann, Fade
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
— Tommy Cooper
A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. "Hi," she said. "Hi." "You're really cute." "I don't have any money."She spun and walked away. Ah, romance.
— Harlan Coben, Deal Breaker
Aurora sagged. "Why is it," she asked, "that every time I'm with you two we end up stealing something big?""We always return it," Donegan said, a little defensively. "Maybe not always in one piece or necessarily to the right person but return it we do, and so it is not stealing, it is merely borrowing."Gracious looked at him. "It's a little bit stea
— Derek Landy, The Maleficent Seven: From the World of Skulduggery Pleasant
As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways.""My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with.""It's not so bad," Mom says. "You'll learn to control it.""I'll learn to control my hair?
— Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I’m hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I’m not, by the way. In case you were wondering. 
— Karen MacInerney, Howling at the Moon
With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Awakening
Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her."That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?
— Gina Damico, Scorch
Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.
— Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones
The woman rolled her eyes. “DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance.”Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. “Mating dance?”Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas’s body was a hard wall of heat. “I think we need to discuss this upstairs.
— Nalini Singh, Slave to Sensation
you think you've never been wrong before?"-alex"sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion. needless to say the purchase was a total disaster"- brittney"ill bet"-alex."havent you ever been wrong before?"-brittany "absolutely. last week, when i robbed that bank over by the walgreens, I told the teller to hand over all the fifties he had in the till. what i really should have asked for was the twenties 'cause there were way more twenties than fifties"- alex"what a disaster"- brittany
— Simone Elkeles, Perfect Chemistry
Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there."Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!""Thank you!"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly."Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.
— Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.
— C.C. Hunter, Born at Midnight
I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me,” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.
— Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
You're Nash's brother. And a grim reaper?" She blinked again, and I readied myself for hysterics, or fear, or laughter. But knowing emma, I should have known better. "So you, what? Kill people? Did you kill me that day in the gym?" She clenched the headrest, her expression an odd mix of anger, awe, and confusion. But there was no disbelief. She'd seen and heard enough of the bizarre following her own temporary death that Tod's admission obviously didn't come as that much of a surprise.Or maybe Nash's Influence was still affecting her a little."No," Tod shook his head firmly, but the corners of his mouth turned up in amusement. "I had nothing to do with that. I do kill people, then I reap their souls and take them to be recycled. But only people who are on my list.""So, you're not...dangerous?"His pouty grin deepened into something almost predatory, like the Tod I'd first met two months earlier. "Oh, I'm dangerous....""Tod..." I warned, as Nash punched his brother in the arm, hard enough to actually hurt. "Just not to you," the reaper finished, shrugging at Emma. "I see you all the time, but you've never seen me, because Kaylee said if I got too close to you, I'd suffer eternity without my balls.""Jeez, Tod!" I shouted, my anger threatening to boil over and scald us all.The reaper leaned closer to Emma and spoke in a stage whisper. "She's not as scary as she thinks she is, but I respect her intent.
— Rachel Vincent, My Soul to Save
Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you’d have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies.If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn’t bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits.
— Ilona Andrews, Hexed
Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night
You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.
— Steven Tyler
It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?
— Meg Cabot, Abandon
At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?
— Breanna Hayse, Time Out
Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?
— Jennifer Rardin, Bite Marks
Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions.“Good book?” he asked, taking it from her and reading the subtitle, “A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud.But life did not come with a trapdoor. 
— Michele Jaffe, Prom Nights from Hell
Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers were making.
— Kim Harrison, Dead Witch Walking
Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don't really want to live in it.
— Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!"*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise.."Do you wanna hear it again?"N-no, you'll just hit me again!"Kyo and Tohru
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 10
Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock.
— Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
If he can't get to the clock, any idea how we deal with this lot?""With great care," Donegan suggested."How about we run off shout and they follow?" Said Gracious. "Then, just when they think they've caught us they fall into our trap.""OK," said Tanith. "And that trap would be?""A big hole we'd dug earlier and covered with branches.'Tanith frowned. "I thought you were meant to be smart."Gracious frowned back at her. "Who told you that?""Gracious is book smart," said Donegan. "He leaves the real world thinking to people like you and me and small dogs that he meets.""The innocent are often the wisest.
— Derek Landy, Last Stand of Dead Men
Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?
— Madeleine Urban
Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse.
— Charlie Higson, The Enemy
Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.
— Doug MacLeod
I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment.
— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.
— Tyler Oakley
We must, we must, we must increase our bust.
— Judy Blume, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!
— Adam Gidwitz, A Tale Dark & Grimm
Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem.Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening. Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru  [long silence from the other end of the phone]Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything.
— Natsuki Takaya
S'mimasen," Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. "What does that mean?" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. "It means 'pardon me,'" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. "At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow.
— John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Halt," said Horace, "I've been thinking..."Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. "Always a dangerous pastime," they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt's unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace waited patiently while they had their moment of fun, then continued."Yes, yes. I know. But seriously, as we said last night, Macindaw isn't so far away from here...""And?" Halt asked, seeing how Horace had left the statement hanging."Well, there's a garrison there and it might not be a b ad idea for one of to go fetch some reinforcements. It wouldn't hurt to have a dozen knights and men-at-arms to back us up when we run into Tennyson."But Halt was already shaking his head."Two problems, Horace. It'd take too long for one of us to get there, explain it all and mobilize a force. And even if we could do it quickly, I don't think we'd want a bunch of knights blundering around the countryside, crashing through the bracken, making noise and getting noticed." He realized that statement had been a little tactless. "No offense, Horace. Present company excepted, of course.
— John Flanagan, Halt's Peril
Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?
— Holly Black, Red Glove
Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.
— Jay McLean, More Than This
He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?""Nope!""Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Burns
I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael
— Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood