c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Fs Are "Fabulous" Hey, Mom and Dad! I got my grades!And you'll be thrilled to hearthe marks on our report cards are changed around this year. A bunch of kids were telling methis morning on the bus,that they had heard some teachers saythat Fs are "fabulous."And Ds are proudly given outfor work that's "dynamite."They're used to honor kids like me,whose brains are really bright.So C of course is super "cool"-I've got a few of those.I wish they could be Ds and Fs,but that's the way it goes.I'm pleased to see my teacher didn't give an A or B.I've worked too hard for one of those.Gosh, aren't you proud of me?I see you don't believe me.You think that I am lying?At least you will agree that I should get an A for trying!
— Ted Scheu
What I Found in My DeskA ripe peach with an ugly bruise,a pair of stinky tennis shoes,a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,a swimsuit that I left to dry,a pencil that glows in the dark,some bubble gum found in the park,a paper bag with cookie crumbs,an old kazoo that barely hums,a spelling test I almost failed,a letter that I should have mailed,and one more thing, I must confess,a note from teacher: Clean This Mess!!!!
— Bruce Lansky
In 1969 I published a small book on Humility. It was a pioneering work which has not, to my knowledge, been superceded.
— Frank Pakenham
Ulysses was an elaborate prank, and our supposed intellectual elite continue to fall for it.
— Orson Scott Card
And Talon did not understand – no, strike that, he didn‘t want to understand – why seeing Hawk and Roadkill together gave him a funny ache in the pit of his stomach. Every time he looked at Flit, the ache got worse. He needed to get laid.
— Agatha Bird, Like a Sparrow Through the Heart
I was much affected by the internal troubles of the Punch family; I thought that with a little more tact on the part of Mrs. Punch and some restraint held over a temper, naturally violent, by Mr. Punch, a great deal of this sad misunderstanding might have been prevented.
— Edmund Gosse, Father and Son
How I ever could have thought he was boring or easy was beyond me’ (Daisy, 'Friendship on Fire', p. 471).
— Danielle Weiler
Let me get this straight. The future of our relationship hinged on advice from a fifteen-year-old girl, a probably untrue story from a one-eyed Chihuahua trainer, and me unromantically - yet skillfully - kissing you on top of silverware and china?
— Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
Monseigneur, I have killed you! You are dead! You are dead!"You display an unseemly joy," he remarked. "I had no notion you were so bloodthirsty.
— Georgette Heyer, These Old Shades
Nothing can be more notorious than the calumnies and invectives with which the wisest measures and most virtuous characters of The United States have been pursued and traduced [By American Newspapers]
— Thurgood Marshall
I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.
— Joss Whedon
Q. Why don't the British panic?A. They do, but very quietly. It is impossible for the naked eye to tell their panic from their ecstasy.
— George Mikes, How to Be an Alien: A Handbook for Beginners and Advanced Pupils
Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, "Would you like to see my plate?
— Naomi Novik, Victory of Eagles
Wainscott, Deepspace Operations Group,’ said the man. ‘Wasn’t here, don’t exist, pleased to meet you.
— Toby Frost, God Emperor of Didcot
If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.
— honeya
You ever want to negotiate a hostage situation in Quebec, I'm your man. Send me in for a little parley and the francophone miscreants will flee, hands over bleeding ears.
— Will Ferguson, Beauty Tips from Moose Jaw: Travels in Search of Canada
Public schoolboys are not merely conservatives, they are by nature totalitarian reactionaries.
— David Benedictus
If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.
— Charlie Brooker
A spy novel?” Dagmar asked. “You two are talking about a spy nov
— G.A. Aiken, Last Dragon Standing
Xander Harris: Hair. Red. Red is good. Fire engines are red. Porsche's are red.
— Christopher Golden, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Vol. 2
And that noise! It was enough to make that happy mailman on Mr. Rogers go postal!
— Christopher Golden, Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2: Halloween Rain; Bad Bargain; Afterimage
Breakfast isn't breakfast without breakfast.
— Laura C Goodwin
It's only human nature for dogs to chase motrobikes
— Peter Tinniswood
One of the police found a garden chair that I could stand on and they eyed me suspiciously as I tried to slide through the window.The fleece that I was wearing was padding me out too much so I took it off.I tried again, and this time it was my pen, pen-torch and scissors in my shirt pocket that got in the way. I moved them into my trouser pocket.One of the police asked if it would help if I was buttered up.I pretended not to listen to him. Or the giggles of my crewmate.
— Tom Reynolds, More Blood, More Sweat and Another Cup of Tea
It's only human nature for dogs to chase motorbikes
— Peter Tinniswood
Just looking at him made Andrew feel tense and irritated. It was wonder perfect strangers didn't go up to the guy and punch him in the face.
— Jane Davitt, Rock and a Hard Place
Fabre stood up. He placed his fingertips on d‘Anton’s temples. “Put your fingers here,” he said. “Feel the resonance. Put them here, and here.” He jabbed at d’Anton’s face: below the cheekbones, at the side of his jaw. “I’ll teach you like an actor,” he said. “This city is our stage.”Camille said: “Book of Ezekiel. ‘This city is the cauldron, and we the flesh’ ...”Fabre turned. “This stutter,” he said. “You don’t have to do it.” Camille put his hands over his eyes. “Leave me alone,” he said. “Even you.” Fabre’s face was incandescent. “Even you, I am going to teach.” He leapt forward, wrenched Camille upright in his chair. He took him by the shoulders and shook him. “You’re going to talk properly,” Fabre said. “Even if it kills one of us.” Camille put his hands protectively over his head. Fabre continued to perpetrate violence; d’Anton was too tired to intervene.
— Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety
Please just admit it," said Valkyrie. "You're going to miss me, aren't you?" "Obviously," said Skulduggery. "Thank you." "like a drowning man misses the land." "Aw w w..." "Like a hesitant man misses the chance." "Yeah..." "Like an oblivious man misses the point." "I have a feeling you're mocking me somehow, but I can't put my finger on how.
— Derek Landy
Is it colour?’‘Oh yes.’‘You don’t let me down.You are my ambassador to pr0n, man.
— Christopher Brookmyre, Be My Enemy
Lady Constance's lips tightened, and a moment passed during which it seemed always a fifty-fifty chance that a handsome silver ink-pot would fly through the air in the direction of her brother's head.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Summer Lightning
Bustle about Noddy, or we shant be in time to snabble any of the lobster patties.
— Georgette Heyer, Frederica
...Recognising, as I do, that you are the second highest expert in Europe--""Indeed, sir! May I inquire who has the honour to be the first?" Asked Holmes, with some asperity."To the man of precised, scientific mind the work of Monsieur Bertillon must always appeal strongly.""Then had you not better consult him?""I said, sir, to the precisely scientific mind. But as a practical man of affairs it is acknowledged that you stand alone. I trust, sir, that I have not inadvertently--""Just a little," said Holmes.
— Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles
It’s a popular fact that 90 percent of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. . . . It is used. One of its functions is to make the miraculous seem ordinary, to turn the unusual into the usual. Otherwise, human beings, faced with the daily wondrousness of everything, would go around wearing a stupid grin, saying “Wow,” a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening.
— Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.
— Karl Pilkington, The Ricky Gervais Show - First, Second and Third Seasons
- Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself.
— William Shakespeare, Hamlet
Did he know she could barely think, let alone speak, for awareness of proximity of his fingers?Of course he knew. He was a rake. This is what he did.
— Anne Gracie, The Perfect Rake
The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You're the corpse in an English murder mystery.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
A five-week sand blizzard?" said Deep Thought haughtily. "You ask this of me who have contemplated the very vectors of the atoms in the Big Bang itself? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Honestly—who puts a hamburger next to diet tofu curry unless they’re trying to buy your soul?
— Amy Lane, City Mouse
Oh—and you need to work on making my opinion more important than Josh’s, too. I know it’s a stretch—he’s your most intimate relationship to date, but when you’re balls deep in my ass, I’d prefer you not be wondering if it counts as a workout.
— Amy Lane, City Mouse
I think that people's sexual preferences are a legitimate subject for humour, dirty humour if at all possible.
— Christopher Hitchens
I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote
He felt water run down his back from the damp brickwork he was sitting against, and as he worried distantly about corrosion he realised you can always fall a little further. A moment ago he thought he'd bottomed out, but now he was concerned about personal rust. Mother of fuck.
— Christopher Brookmyre, Bedlam
It was entirely possible I would sexually assault him if I got too close.
— Caroline Hanson
You think I can't get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time.
— Alberto Vitale
He was under the mistaken impression that I didn't have enough tact.The truth was, I had no tact.
— Caroline Hanson, Bewitching the Werewolf
In his autobiography Stravinsky relates that the first music he remembers was made by a peasant, working his hand in his armpit to produce a rhytmic farting.
— Craig Raine, Heartbreak
What in cat hell just happened?
— Sarah Jane Avory, The Spirit of a Witch
A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.
— Pete Sortwell, The Village Idiot Reviews
The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh!
— Kevin Hearne, Hexed
It also makes my father right again. How will I ever soar with the eagles if I'm surrounded by turkeys?
— A.S. King, Please Ignore Vera Dietz
This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together.
— Jim Butcher, Turn Coat
I’m waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh’s pharmacist writes a book.
— Carl Hiaasen
Somebody should have taken him to a stationary store and pointed out the difference between an envelope and a whore.
— Richard Brautigan, در رؤیای بابل
This revolution - will it be a living?''We must hope so. Look, I have to go, I'm visiting a client. He's going to be hanged tomorrow.''Is that usual?''Oh, they always hang my clients. Even in property and matrimonial cases.
— Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety
As Danton sees it, the most bizarre aspect of Camille's character is his desire to scribble over every blank surface; he sees a guileless piece of paper, virgin and harmless, and persecutes it till it is black with words, and then besmirches its sister, and so on, through the quire.
— Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety
Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!
— Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost
Our bellies are empty and our patience is short...submit to us and we will make of you a great quiche!''Again with the QUICHE?! What kind of self-respecting monster would eat a DAINTY PASTRY DISH?! STEW is what we will make of their bones!''Don't get greedy on me! There's three of them! I just want the little one for my quiche!''It was nothing to do with greed! It's a matter of principle! MONSTERS DO NOT EAT QUICHE!
— Jeff Smith, The Dragonslayer
He feared, in his secret heart, that one day in company the baby would sit up and speak; that it would engage his eyes, appraise him, and say, 'You prick.
— Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety
Being single isn't a terminal disease.""Try telling that to my mother.
— Alexandra Potter, Do You Come Here Often?
The whole room said, "Admire without touching anything and then get out.
— Kaje Harper, Life Lessons
Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from ‘Theme to Murder, She Wrote’.
— Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists
This is why I didn’t get married last year,” she said to him. “I wouldn’t be here to nurse you.” She thought about that for a moment. “Of course, one could make the argument that you wouldn’t be in this situation if not for me. But we’re not going to dwell upon that.
— Julia Quinn, Just Like Heaven
For my part, I am determined never to speak of it again to anybody. I told my sister Phillips so the other day.
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
I have lived now for over a century, yet I can still say with complete confidence that no one can claim to have plumbed the depths of human misery who has not shared the fore-ends of a submarine with a camel.
— John Biggins, A Sailor of Austria: In Which, Without Really Intending to, Otto Prohaska Becomes Official War Hero No. 27 of the Habsburg Empire
Just then Trafton walked up to the four of us. "I can see this is a little gang on campus" said Trafton "How do I join?""Dial 1800 - not on your life and see how that works out for you," said LisabelleTafton smiled at her "I know that behind that harsh exterior you have a kind and gentle soul." "No" said Lisabelle "I really don't. I'm pretty much always this unpleasant with the desired result of being left alone. Why am I not being left alone?
— Maddy Edwards
For some reason she found that Allan Harrington's attitude of absolute detachment made the whole affair seem much easier for her. And when Mrs. Harrington slipped a solitaire diamond into her hand as she went, instead of disliking it she enjoyed its feel on her finger, and the flash of it in the light. She thanked Mrs. Harrington for it with real gratitude. But it made her feel more than ever engaged to marry her mother-in-law.
— Margaret Widdemer
The grass on the other side of the hill may well be greener, but you should always check that there isn't something with teeth and claws crouching in it.
— Chris I. Naylor, Wizard's Brew
All that evening he talked to the Candle of Arras, in a low confidential tone. When you get down to it, he thought, there's not much difference between politics and sex; it's all aboutpower. He didn't suppose he was the first person in the world to make this observation. It's a question of seduction, and how fast and cheap you can effect it: if Camille, he thought, approximates to one of those little milliners who can't make ends meet - in other words, an absolute pushover - then Robespierre is a Carmelite, mind set on becoming Mother Superior. You can't corrupt her; you can wave your cock under her nose, and she's neither shocked nor interested: why should she be, when she hasn't the remotest ideawhat it's for?
— Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety
The year was dying early, the leaves were falling fast, it was a raw cold day when we took possession, and the gloom of the house was most depressing. The cook (an amiable woman, but of a weak turn of intellect) burst into tears on beholding the kitchen, and requested that her silver watch might be delivered over to her sister (2 Tuppintock’s Gardens, Liggs’s Walk, Clapham Rise), in the event of anything happening to her from the damp. Streaker, the housemaid, feigned cheerfulness, but was the greater martyr. The Odd Girl, who had never been in the country, alone was pleased, and made arrangements for sowing an acorn in the garden outside the scullery window, and rearing an oak.
— Charles Dickens, Three Ghost Stories
He looked like a young Crusader on a tomb. That was Phyllis's first impression of Allan Harrington.
— Margaret Widdemer, The Rose-Garden Husband
And the way you lost your temper!" went on Wallis enthusiastically. "Oh, Mr. Allan, it was beautiful! You haven't been more than to say snarly since the accident! It was so like the way you used to throw hair-brushes--
— Margaret Widdemer, The Rose-Garden Husband
And remember, Wallis, there's something the matter with Mr. Allan's shutters. They won't always close the sunshine out as they should."Wallis almost winked, if an elderly, mutton-chopped servitor can be imagined as winking."No, ma'am," he promised. Something wrong with 'em. I'll remember, ma'am.
— Margaret Widdemer, The Rose-Garden Husband
Detective Inspector Eccles sighed. He may ordinarily have met his sigh with the question of why the newly appointed Superintendent Dickinson was turning up to this late hour crime scene, he may also ordinarily question why his superior officer was dressed as Julius Caesar, in full tunic and green leafy wreath, yet ever since the new and youngest-ever-appointed superintendent had arrived at the Met it had been all too clear he was an officer who didn’t quite do things by the eBook.
— Tom Conrad
Death by creaming
— Yvonne miller, Stripped Senseless
I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...
— Joshua Donellan, Zeb and the Great Ruckus
...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.
— Joshua Donellan, Zeb and the Great Ruckus
Americans invented adolescence. It is not a natural phenomenon. Adolescence is a social construct, created by an urban-industrial society that keeps its young at home far past puberty. Teenage angst is a luxury if a successful modern human conceit that isn't condoned by our superior species.
— Sarah Beth Durst, Drink, Slay, Love
Armour... is part of a state of mind... in which you admit the possibility... of being hit.
— Joe Abercrombie, The Heroes
Impartially, shrewdly, I considered suicide, though not in my worst moments. The bottle of pills. The note: 'No hard feelings, everyone, but I've thought about it and it's just not on, is it? It's nearly on, but not quite. No? Anyway, all the best, C.
— Martin Amis, The Rachel Papers
Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days.
— Terry Pratchett, Thud!
Yes,' Spade growled. 'And when you're slapped you'll take it and like it.' He released Cairo's wrist and with a thick open hand struck the side of his face three times savagely.
— Dashiell Hammett, The Maltese Falcon
Julia's unhappy relationship with the Inland Revenue was due to her omission, during four years of modestly successful practice at the Bar, to pay any income tax. The truth is, I think, that she did not, in her heart of hearts, really believe in income tax. It was a subject which she had studied for examinations and on which she had thereafter advised a number of clients: she naturally did not suppose, in these circumstances, that it had anything to do with real life.
— Sarah Caudwell, Thus Was Adonis Murdered
I'll be with my sister. And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smoke signals last year." - Nana
— Nicholas Sparks, The Lucky One
What followed was for him a very entertaining spectacle, with one of Edward's brothers seemingly intent upon the most subtle of seductions and the other barely able to force malmsey past the gorge rising in his throat.
— Sharon Kay Penman, The Sunne in Splendour
We took a bus to the nearby monastery of one of the last great Tang dynasty Chan masters, Yun-men. Yun-men was known for his pithy “one word” Zen. When asked “What is the highest teaching of the Buddha?” he replied: “An appropriate statement.” On another occasion, he answered: “Cake.” I admired his directness.
— Stephen Batchelor, Confession of a Buddhist Atheist
I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother
— George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
The shock of photographed atrocities wears off with repeated viewings, just as the surprise and bemusement felt the first time one sees a pornographic movie wear off after one sees a few more.
— Susan Sontag
I have been seeing dragons again.Last night, hunched on a beaver dam,one held a body like a badly held cocktail;his tail, keeping the beat of a waltz,sent a morse of ripples to my canoe.They are not richly brightbut muted like dawnsor the vague sheen on a fly's wing.Their old flesh drags in foldsas they drop into grey pools,strain behind a tree.Finally the others saw one today, trapped,tangled in our badminton net.The minute eyes shuddered deep in the creased facewhile his throat, strangely fierce, stretchedto release an extinct burning inside:pathetic loud whispers as four of usand the excited spaniel surrounded him.
— Michael Ondaatje, The Dainty Monsters
Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched any desire to drink from its depths.
— Sharon Kay Penman, The Sunne in Splendour
She opened her mouth, clamped it shut again. This was new, this sudden favor shown Gloucester, had been brought back with him from Burgundy like some malevolent foreign pox.
— Sharon Kay Penman, The Sunne in Splendour
I left the warehouse at 8.00am. I don't believe in 8.00am. It exists, though. 8.00am is incontrovertible evidence that evil dwells in the world.
— Andrew Masterson, The Last Days: The Apocryphon Of Joe Panther
I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.
— Samuel Butler, Erewhon
The great are eternally at the mercy of tiny men. And also, tiny madwomen.
— Salman Rushdie
Why couldn't Rachel be a little more specific about the type of person she was? Goodness knew; if she were a hippie I'd talk to her about her drug experiences, the zodiac, tarot cards. If she were left-wing I'd look miserable, hate Greece, and eat baked beans straight from the tin. If she were the sporty type I'd play her at... chess and backgammon and things.
— Martin Amis, The Rachel Papers
At the bottom of the hill they came out of the trees to a busy street and Antwan said, "We cross here." "Ain't no lights here," Antwan said. "Just look out for the ones trying to hit you. There's a nice-looking blonde-haired female human lives around here - any time she sees me she tries to run me down.
— Elmore Leonard, A Coyote's in the House
Glenn could see I was bricking it and turned round to me as I sat there, gripping the armrests."You all right?" he said."I hate flying, Boss. I'm shitting myself.""Don't worry, Merse. It's going to be OK. We *won't* crash."I thought, "Thank God for that. Glenn's said we're going to be safe. Nothing's going to fuck with us now.
— Paul Merson, How Not to Be a Professional Footballer
So Basically I'm the Antichrist , and the whole world is fucked because of me" - Jordon Hanson.
— Barry James
One soldier picked up a dead Argentine, supported the corpse's weight underneath his arm, put a cigarette in the dead man's mouth, then one in his own. He then held a lighter under the corpse's cigarette and his friend took a photograph. They both laughed. I also laughed.This was foolish ― smoking can kill.
— Ken Lukowiak, A Soldiers Song: True Stories From The Falklands
I crawled back to bed, knowing I was done for. Hours later, the phone in our room started ringing. It was George. He was not happy."Room 312. Now!" he shouted.Bouldy got up. I tried to pull myself together, splashing my face with water and hauling on my shorts and flip flops. It was a lovely day outside, the sun was scorching hot and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but it might as well have been a pissing wet morning in St Albans for all I cared. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach as we made the Walk of Death to Room 312, which I knew was Paul and Gus's room.When we walked in, I thought I'd arrived in downtown Baghdad. Water dripped from the ceiling. The board games were in pieces and all the plastic parts were scattered over the floor. The balcony window was wide open and I could see a bed upended by the pool outside.
— Paul Merson, How Not to Be a Professional Footballer
I heard you went to Ireland...I haven't seen it in many years. Is it still green then, and beautiful?Wet as a bath sponge and mud to the knees but, aye, it was green enough.
— Diana Gabaldon, The Scottish Prisoner
Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She'd seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not takingall the rest. And there were so many sweets he'd never be able to eatthem all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burstinto tears.
— Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
You’re so damn big,” she whispered.“Why, thank you cariño,” he said.
— Cherise Sinclair, To Command and Collar
It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box office star in America, because every straight girl I know would seel her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker.
— Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
What kind of slut do you think I am?”Theo bumped his hips against hers. “This might not be the best moment to ask me that.
— Annabel Joseph, Cirque de Minuit
But a cock does not enter a hen… it enters a…meow-meow!
— Faraaz Kazi
The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.
— Spike Milligan
Just because you disagreed with the Poll Tax and detested Margaret Thatcher—""Detest is a little inappropriate," Parlabane said. "Maybe closer to say I spent the entire Eighties wishing I was pissing on her rotting corpse.
— Christopher Brookmyre, Be My Enemy
Move your hands, Morgan,” he commanded.“It hurts!” she protested.“It’s supposed to.
— Cara Bristol, Secret Desires
Spring had come finally and after much hesitation, to Lincoln's Inn Fields and there were daffodils out upon the green grass and gilly-flowers blooming in the window-boxes of the ground floor sets. This being Lincoln's Inn, where an air of general severity prevails, they did so with an unconscionable meekness, as if they feared that some legal eminence- Mr Crabbe perhaps- would descend in wrath from his chambers and present them with a writ for unlicensed blossoming or occupying too great a proportion of space.
— D.J. Taylor, Kept
But cocks aren’t supposed to lay eggs...” Sahil said, trying to untangle himself. “...they’re supposed to fertilise them.
— Faraaz Kazi
Sex doesn't interfere with your tennis
—  it's staying out all night trying to find it that affects your tennis.
If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?
— Benny Bellamacina
Oh, sheep. I've lost all my sobbing colours.
— Dave McKean, Cages
R.I.P.Tom Conlon O'Rourke.Not Dead, just Sleeping.
— Spike Milligan
...trying to predict whether global warming will moderate the next ice age is not only impossible but irrelevant. It doesn't help us get through the next few centuries. And one can only imagine our future, shivering, ice age descendants cursing us for leaving them no fossil fuel to create a global warming "greenhouse" effect when one is really needed.
— John Harte
Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!
— Richard Curtis
And then, all of a sudden, he stopped, and his jaw dropped as though he had remembered something."The score!" he burst out. "Three goes o' rum! Why, shiver my timbers, if I hadn't forgotten my score!"And, falling on a bench, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. I could not help joining; and we laughed together, peal after peal, until the tavern rang again.
— Robert Louis Stevenson
Dear Rocky,Here I am taking my pencil in my hand to say hello, hoping you are in the best of health, both physically and mentally. As for me, I am fine thanks to Almighty God.The weather in the valley is in the shits. It's been raining since Thanksgiving and here it is almost at the end of December and it's still raining. Instead of growing a prick, I think I'm going to grow a tail, like a tadpole. Ha, ha, ha!
— Rocky Gamez
Well, some men learn by listening, some read, some observe and analyze — and some of us just have to pee on the electric fence.
— Spider Robinson, Variable Star
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
— Rodney Dangerfield
On my first day in London I made an early start. Reaching the Public Record Office not much after ten, I soon secured the papers I needed for my research and settled in my place. I became, as is the way of the scholar, so deeply absorbed as to lose all consciousness of my surroundings or of the passage of time. When at last I came to myself, it was almost eleven and I was quite exhausted: I knew I could not prudently continue without refreshment.
— Sarah Caudwell, Thus Was Adonis Murdered
Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding again..." He paused, flashing me a dimpled Charles Ingalls grin, which then suddenly disappeared. "I'll break the other one.
— Alison Arngrim, Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learned to Love Being Hated
It was nothing. We played tic-tac-toe for a while. You know we do that sometimes.""Oh, I know," Teagan says."Okay, how did you make that sound like we were rolling around ripping off each other's clothes?
— Elizabeth Scott, Something, Maybe
Humanity, let us say, is like people packed in an automobile which is traveling downhill without lights at terrific speed and driven by a four-year-old child. The signposts along the way are all marked 'Progress.
— Lord Dunsany
Have you lost your teeny tiny mind, you too-tall, too-skinny, too-crazy jerk?”“Oh, look who’s talking, Miss Let’s Blunder Around the Time Stream and Hang the Consequences! Thanks to you, we’ve got a dead Marc and alive Marc in the same timeline . . . in the same house! Thanks to you, I got chomped on by a dim, blonde, undead, selfish, whorish, blood-suckingleech when I was minding my own business in the past.”“Don’t you call me dim!”“Um. Everyone. Perhaps we should—” Tina began.“Wait, when did this happen?” Marc asked. He had the look of a man desperately trying to buy a vowel. “Past, an hour ago? Past, last year? Helpme out.”“Oh, biiiiig surprise!” Laura threw her (perfectly manicured) hands in the air. “Let me guess, you were soooo busy banging your dead husbandthat you haven’t had time to tell anybody anything.”“I was getting to it,” I whined.“Then after not telling anyone anything and not being proactive—or even active!—you grow up to destroy the world and bring about eternalnuclear winter or whatever the heck that was and how do you deal with your foreknowledge of terrible events to come? Have sex!”“An affirmation of life?” Sinclair suggested. Never, I repeat, never had I loved him more. I was torn between slugging my sister and blowing myhusband. Hmm. Laura might have a point about my priorities . . . but jeez. Look at him. Yum.“—even do it and what do you have to say for yourself? Huh?”“You’re just uptight, repressed, smug, antisex, and jealous, you Antichristing morally superior, fundamentally evil bitch.”Laura and Marc gasped. My husband groaned.
— MaryJanice Davidson, Undead and Undermined
A pair of young mothers now became the centre of interest. They had risen from their lying-in much sooner than the doctors would otherwise have allowed. (French doctors are always very good about recognizing the importance of social events, and certainly in this case had the patients been forbidden the ball the might easily have fretted themselves to death.) One came as the Duchesse de Berri with l’Enfant du Miracle, and the other as Madame de Montespan and the Duc du Maine. The two husbands, the ghost of the Duc de Berri, a dagger sticking out of his evening dress, and Louis XIV, were rather embarrassed really by the horrible screams of their so very young heirs, and hurried to the bar together. The noise was indeed terrific, and Albertine said crossly that had she been consulted she would, in this case, have permitted and even encouraged the substitution of dolls. The infants were then dumped down to cry themselves to sleep among the coats on her bed, whence they were presently collected by their mothers’ monthly nannies. Nobody thereafter could feel quite sure that the noble families of Bregendir and Belestat were not hopelessly and for ever interchanged. As their initials and coronets were, unfortunately, the same, and their baby linen came from the same shop, it was impossible to identify the children for certain. The mothers were sent for, but the pleasures of society rediscovered having greatly befogged their maternal instincts, they were obliged to admit they had no idea which was which. With a tremendous amount of guilty giggling they spun a coin for the prettier of the two babies and left it at that.
— Nancy Mitford, The Blessing
You will do well to take advantage of Madame's short residence to get up your French a little... You will be glad of this, my dear, when you have reached France, where you will find they speak nothing else.
— J. Sheridan Le Fanu, Uncle Silas
She scarcely spoke at all and might have been one of those huge dolls which, when inclined backwards, say "Ma-ma" or "Pa-pa": though impossible to imagine in any position so undignified as that required for the mechanism to produce these syllables.
— Anthony Powell
WHAT? YOU AGAIN?' he shouted in capital letters.
— Noel Langley, The Land of Green Ginger
Now, whatever you do, don't say anything, because no one must know that Liberace is gay.""Excuse me?" I said. "I'm eight. I know he's gay.
— Alison Arngrim, Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learned to Love Being Hated
In my time first cousins did not meet like strangers. But we are learning modesty from the Americans, and old English ways are too gross for us.
— J. Sheridan Le Fanu, Uncle Silas
This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.
— John  Aubrey, Brief Lives
The definition of Brevity: That which people believe would be a virtue - in me!
— Greg  Curtis
When a Lady chooses to Change Her Mind,' said the Mouse with a touch of hauteur, 'a Gentleman would consider it no more than her Privilege, and not Badger Her About It.
— Noel Langley, The Land of Green Ginger
Captain Midlands: "I met the real you once."John (Lennon) the Skrull: "You're meeting the real me now."Captain Midlands: "I told him to get his bleedin' hair cut.
— Paul Cornell, Wisdom: Rudiments of Wisdom
John the Skrull: (as Merlyn) "Here, listen. It's me, Merlyn, the magic man. There's no need for all this conflict, like. I command you to--"Tink: "Suck my tits, you fairy fuckers!"John the Skrull: "I was going to say 'give peace a chance'...
— Paul Cornell, Wisdom: Rudiments of Wisdom
As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.-Captain Tagon
— Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei
Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
...and - holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds.
— David Wong, John Dies at the End
Go fuck yourself Judge.""Motion denied." answers the judge dryly.
— Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home
He leaned in for a sniff. 'Smells like a horse's arse! I've got Ian!' -'No sniffing allowed! We never discussed sniffing! I cry foul!' Ian was outraged. 'I'm not giving you a shilling!' -'Give him a shilling! It's not his fault you smell like a horse's arse!
— Julie Anne Long, What I Did For a Duke
New Maxi-Pad Pets. Accessories for your period.Brought to you by The Corporation: In your homes andin your pants.
— Libba Bray, Beauty Queens
I can lie about my name, I can lie about my school, but how am I going to lie about this fucking nose? "You seem like a very nice person Mr. Porte-Noir, but why do you go around covering the middle of your face like that?" Because suddenly it has taken off, the middle of my face! Because gone is the button of my childhood years, that pretty little thing that people used to look at in my carriage, and lo and behold, the middle of my face has begun to reach out towards God. Porte-Noir and Parsons my ass, kid, you have got J-E-W written right across the middle of your face...
— Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint
There is a certain amount which I shan't mention publicly," Elizabeth said. "Things about Lucia which I should never dream of stating openly.""Those are just the ones I should like to hear about most," said Diva. "Just a few little titbits.
— E.F. Benson, Mapp and Lucia
Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether!
— Sheri Cobb South, The Weaver Takes a Wife
Mr. Brundy, you are no doubt as well acquainted with my circumstances as I am with yours, so let us not beat about the bush. I have a fondness for the finer things in life, and I suppose I always will. As a result, I am frightfully expensive to maintain. I have already bankrupted my father, and have no doubt I should do the same to you, should you be so foolhardy as to persist in the desire for such a union. Furthermore, I have a shrewish disposition and a sharp tongue. My father, having despaired of seeing me wed to a gentleman of my own class, has ordered me to either accept your suit or seek employment. If I married you, it would be only for your wealth, and only because I find the prospect of marriage to you preferable –but only slightly!- to the life of a governess or a paid companion. If, knowing this, you still wish to marry me, why, you have only to name the day.”Having delivered herself of this speech, Lady Helen waited expectantly for Mr. Brundy’s stammering retraction. Her suitor pondered her words for a long moment, then made his response.“’ow about Thursday?
— Sheri Cobb South, The Weaver Takes a Wife
Mr. Brundy," she said with a nod, making the most perfunctory of curtsies to her father's guest.He made no move to take her hand, but merely bowed and responded in kind. "Lady '
— Sheri Cobb South, The Weaver Takes a Wife
I do think your brother grows more peculiar every day,' I complain to Edward when he comes to my rooms in Whitehall Palace to escort me to dinner.'Which one?' he asks lazily. 'For you know I can do nothing right in the eyes of either. You would think they would be glad to have a York on the throne and peace in Christendom, and one of the finest Christmas feasts we have ever arranged; but no: Richard is leaving court to go back north as soon as the feast is over, to demonstrate his outrage that we are not slogging away in a battle with the French, and George is simply bad tempered.
— Philippa Gregory, The White Queen
When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.
— Nigel Slater, Tender: Volume I: A Cook and His Vegetable Patch
So you're a fellow mercenary, then.""Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?""Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.
— Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei
Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.Actually I'm finished.In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?After a fashion....I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.""Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?""No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
Ah! The English language was a wonderful thing! You could always find the right word. He only wished he could speak the language.
— Terry Jones, Trouble On The Heath
Technically, you don't pay me.And technically, most of what I do is "think."I...rrr. ummm.And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.-Ennesby & Captain Tagon
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
Never be a pioneer. It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion.
— Saki, The Complete Saki
Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!"..."I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I’d just rather not reap a crop every year.
— Sharon Kay Penman, Time and Chance
How many words are you having trouble with, sir?""Just the ones that I've highlighted.""I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.""That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.
— Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei
Take it!" he snarled, hurling the diamond necklace across the table at his opponent. "And may you rot in hell with it!""I should not dream of intruding upon you there," replied Mr Brundy, bowing deeply from the waist.
— Sheri Cobb South, The Weaver Takes a Wife
Sion calls Anne an eel, he calls her a slippery dipper from the slime, and he remembers what the cardinal had called her: my serpentine enemy. Sion says, she goes to it with her brother; he says, what, her brother George? ‘Any brother she's got. Those kind keep it in the family. They do filthy French tricks, like –’‘Can you keep your voice down?’ He looks around, as if spies might be swimming by the boat.‘– and that's how she trusts herself she don't give in to Henry, because if she lets him do it and she gets a boy he's, thanks very much, now clear off, girl – so she's oh, Your Highness, I never could allow – because she knows that very night her brother's inside her, licking her up to the lungs, and then he's, excuse me, sister, what shall I do with this big package – she says, oh,don't distress yourself, my lord brother, shove it up the back entry, it'll come to no harm there.
— Hilary Mantel, Wolf Hall
Enough of that, you damned conspirators, you will have us hanged a great deal sooner than we will.
— Naomi Novik, His Majesty's Dragon
Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
How did you . . . pass the time?’ Sunday asked. ‘You couldn’t just ching out of it, could you?’‘We had a different form of chinging,’ Eunice said. ‘An earlier type of virtual-reality technology, much more robust and completely unaffected by time lag. You may have heard of it. We called it “reading”.
— Alastair Reynolds, Blue Remembered Earth
She’d never been any kind of camper, never had been good at relieving a full bladder on a whim. Never had quite figured out that squat; it seemed like she’d always wet her right foot.
— Robyn Carr, A Virgin River Christmas
Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
— Howard Tayler
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon
— Howard Tayler, Under New Management
That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant.""Well, the elephant started it.""That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
No! Wait! I've got a better idea...""Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.""And your point is...""Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.""It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.
— Howard Tayler, The Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance
I was proud to be brown in my own way. Well, I was at school; at school I was brown about the funky stuff that came with being vegetarian, like being really arrogant about it, declaring proudly to a room full of beefeaters when Mad Cow disease initially broke that it was 'Vishnu's way of telling y'all to stop eating and start worshipping'.
— Nikesh Shukla, Coconut Unlimited
Are you done briefing the company yet?""We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet.""Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs.""Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
— Howard Tayler, The Tub of Happiness
Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon
— Howard Tayler, Resident Mad Scientist
I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.
— Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei
Right, then.” He pointed across to a bank of phones against the wall. “If you want to check your voice mail, now’s the time.”“Where’s my phone?”“Out of service.”“It was fine in the car.”“It’s not fine now.”“What’d you do to it?”“Put it out of our misery. I’m sorry, Kate. But every minute it’s on, you’re traceable to within the length of a football field, anywhere on the planet.
— Jennifer Lee Carrell, Interred with Their Bones