c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Through lightest dark or darkest light, You dont need no bling to join the fight. We're mercs with mouths and so much more, Yippee-ki-yay, we're the Deadpool Corps!
— Deadpool
America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.
— Robin Sloan, Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore
You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.
— Plato, The Republic
We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
All right, my hope—but I am not saying the rest of it—I have something you need to feel.”She feigned the sound of outrage. “But we barely know each other, sir!”He laughed softly. “But you must hold it in your hand and feel it change,” he urged, in her ear. “I insist. I can wait no longer.”She knew they were on a serious subject, but the flutter of his breath on her skin, the low drawl of his words—heat raced along all her nerve endings. “Will I like it?”“Well, I do have to apologize for its size. It is rather small.” And with that, he pressed something rather small into her hand.
— Sherry Thomas, The Perilous Sea
I'm leaving the door partly open," he says as he follows Tegan. "You scream if you need me."Once he is outside, Richard says, "He does realize that if he hears your scream, it's already too late.
— J.A. London, Blood-Kissed Sky
When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!
— Carroll Bryant
So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.
— Yahtzee Croshaw
It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.
— Heidi Cullinan, Dance With Me
Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.
— Maggie Stiefvater, Forever
It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you're human popcorn
— James Patterson
A teacher had once told them that men were either beasts, gentlemen, or beasts masquerading as gentlemen. Might there be a fourth category — gentlemen masquerading as beasts?
— Sabrina Jeffries, Snowy Night with a Stranger
The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.
— Scott Westerfeld, Uglies
In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.
— Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough
All men are equal before fish.
— Herbert Hoover
You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex."Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry.""Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's ho
— Jim Butcher, Storm Front
I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to Paris: there's a European specialist there, he treats noses. You go to Paris, he examines your nose: I can treat only your right nostril, he says, I don't treat left nostrils, it's not my specialty, but after me, go to Vienna, there's a separate specialist there who will finish treating your left nostril.
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how
— Dave Barry, Big Trouble
But he is an Italian," was Umberto's sensible reply. "He doesn't care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing the shoes I gave you?...principessa?"I looked down at my flip-flops. "I guess I'm toast.
— Anne Fortier, Juliet
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
— Christina Dodd, Some Enchanted Evening
I'm thirty-six years old and I've been married once and he left and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like I can't be vulnerable. Can't relax. It's exhausting, always being on the defensive, keeping my guard up. I feel like Cuba.
— Noah Hawley, Other People's Weddings
I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!
— Barry Lyga, The Astonishing Adventures of Fanboy and Goth Girl
This is Simba," Nicole said, pointing to the lion. "Is he dangerous?" Asked Chase."Not really. He mauled a trainer, but nothing much.
— Roland Smith, Storm Runners
Hey, A-D-D,” she called out to Claire, “come over and try these on.
— Kimberly Derting
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.
— Rob Sheffield, Talking to Girls About Duran Duran: One Young Man's Quest for True Love and a Cooler Haircut
Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over
— Sabine Hein
Can I have Jake and Coke--uh, Jack and Cock
— J.L. Langley, With Caution
Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy."I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break.
— Janet Evanovich, Smokin' Seventeen
Is that clear?" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said
— James Patterson
Actually, I came because I have a last-minute invitation. My friend Erika Gill is having a big party tomorrow night, one of those all-out birthday bashes that girls like. Want to go?"----------------------------------------"No. Sorry.""Since it's a catered thing, at a restaurant, I'll pick you up at- what did you say?""I'm sorry. I can't do it."----------------------------------------"You're busy?""I just can't do it," I said.
— Elizabeth Chandler, The Back Door of Midnight
don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male
— Keisha Keenleyside
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
— Steven Wright
God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis with superfast Wi-Fi.
— Laura Ruby, Bad Apple
After this, I can't resist. "Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide.
— Cindy Martinusen Coloma, Caleb + Kate
What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.
— Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods
You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?""Only a man would think of that.It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.
— Terry Pratchett, Making Money
The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.
— Sean Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens: The Ultimate Teenage Success Guide
The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.
— Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
I saw you put rice in a toaster once," said Mae. "I was there when made the tin of beans explode.""It was faulty," Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. " I am sure of this.
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
I wish I had only offered youa sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.''And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.''Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.''Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.''Just let me look at the cash.''No, sir; you are not to be trusted.
— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo.
— Cuthbert Soup, A Whole Nother Story
The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese.""She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'""Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?""No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga.""Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls.""That's some bullshit, Troy.""It's her couch.
— Christopher Moore, You Suck
But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict!" said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. "And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it!
— Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Prisoner's Dilemma
Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.
— Anne Stuart, The Devil's Waltz
Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm
— David Cross, I Drink for a Reason
The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.
— Jodi Picoult, Salem Falls
Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.
— Daniel Waters, Generation Dead
That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain’t scored a triple.
— Sarah Hall
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?" - Aunt Edna
— Janet Evanovich, Hero at Large
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...
— David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
Smartass Disciple: Why men don't ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It'd be too risky for them.
— Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity
What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce me?
— Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.
— Christopher Moore, You Suck
We're too different now. We want different things. And this?" I say nodding at our hands. "All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off
— Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me
The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. "I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick.
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.
— Rachel Aaron, The Spirit Thief
I didn't say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley.""Don't mock me on my sister's wedding day!""I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad," was Darcy's reply.
— Marsha Altman, The Darcys & the Bingleys
Don't you think you're quite young?''I'm twenty-one,' said Brida. 'If I wanted to start learning ballet, I'd be conseidered too old.
— Paulo Coelho
Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich and famous.' and Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Yes, when the moon is made of green cheese.
— L.M. Montgomery
I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.
— William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure
I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world...
— Whitney G., Mid-Life Love
I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.
— James Patterson, The Final Warning
Owl love you forever
— David Sedaris, Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls
Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.
— Jack London, The Mutiny of the Elsinore
We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....'No, you won't.'We will,' stated the robot simply.No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....'You will not,' said Zaphod.And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86)
— Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything
She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.
— Andrew Hinkinson, WOOF!
You have better luck than you think you do,” Cian said firmly.Turning back toward him, she said, “Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that's my bad luck,” he corrected her.
— Rhiannon Frater, Pretty When She Dies
The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally.'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.''Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation.
— Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Alice on the Outside
If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson
I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said.
— Dan Simmons, The Rise of Endymion
What was that?" Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.""He's always taking something - generally food.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens
When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts."His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. "Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.
— Kiera Cass, The Heir
You need anything we're only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We'll help you hide the body.
— Sean Michael, Mannies Incorporated
What do you think, Galen?" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice.Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively.It's very unique," he said, trying to look intrigued instead of disgusted. "It's excellent."Lady Fern looked satisfied and turned to say something to her husband, while Galen added quietly under his breath, "...not."--The Fire Stone
— Riley Carney, The Fire Stone
I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.Lucy
— Cathy Hopkins, Mates, Dates, and Sole Survivors
Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Okay... My name is Ellie Mason and I have a feeling you don't like me." Kylie stopped and swerved around... "Okay, let's get something out in the open. I know you had sex with Derek." "Damn!" Perry said, and grinned. "This is gonna be better than I thought.
— C.C. Hunter, Taken at Dusk
Real men don't lift weights, they lift women.
— Every male ballet dancer
Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?""Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited.""I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!
— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?
— Hannah Harrington, Saving June
It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
The music department is going to do a musical next year," he tells me, rolling his eyes like I would.Justine is running toward me, and I can tell by the look on her face that she's found out about the musical, too.I sigh, shaking my head. "I have to give Justine a lesson in holding back," I tell him. "She's just way too enthusiastic".She grabs my arms in excitement. "We're doing Les Mis."I scream hysterically, clutching her as we jump up and down.
— Melina Marchetta, Saving Francesca
I am who I say I am,I'm not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am a girl who knows enoughto know this life is mine.I am this and I am that andI am everything in-between.I'm a dreamer, I'm a dancer,I'm a part-time drama queen.I'm a worrier, I'm a warrior,I'm a loner and a friend,I'm an outspoken defenderof justice to the end.I'm the girl in the mirror who likes the girl she sees,I'm the girl in the gypsy shawlwith music in her knees.I'm a singer and a scholar,I'm a girl who has been kissed.I'm a solver of equationswearing bangles on my wrist.I am bigger than i ever knew,I am stronger than before,I am every girl I have ever been,and all that are in store.I am who I say I am.I'm not some fantasy.I am the me I am inside.I am whoI choseto be.
— James Howe
You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.""How do you make girls cry, exactly?"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge
Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could."Why are you flinching?" the pencil woman asked."I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me.""Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you.
— Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society
I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.""Sausages.
— Adam Rex, The True Meaning of Smekday
Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge
And you are the girl's bitch, forever.
— Alison Goodman, Eona: The Last Dragoneye
No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya
— Cate Tiernan, Darkness Falls
Funyuns make you fart," Caspian said, and I exploded in laughter."What's so funny?" Ben asked.I tried to stop laughing, but Caspian was leaning forward now, his face stck right in between us. "Funyuns give you bad breath, too. Not very attractive to the ladies." He paused. "ON second thought... enjoy your Funyuns, Ben!" I had to bite the side of my cheek to keep from giggling. The fact that Ben had no clue what was going on made it even harder to stop.
— Jessica Verday, The Haunted
Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.
— Agatha Christie, The A.B.C. Murders
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle
— Debbie Macomber, Call Me Mrs. Miracle
Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. "This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing."He reached around her and fingered the soft material. "Where is the rest of it?" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing.
— Christine Feehan, Dark Legend
He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.
— Kate Avery Ellison, The Curse Girl
She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. "I thought you had to go," he said. "And don't think i didn't see you kissing on my best friend.""He deserved it.""Yeah. Maybe i ought to kiss him, too."Michael, on his way out, didn't bother to turn around for that one. "Oh sure, you always promise.
— Rachel Caine
...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.
— Anne Rice, The Wolf Gift
Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a can of Mace in one hand and pepper spray in the other.” - KatieJorlan's expression turned mocking. “Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.
— Gena Showalter, The Stone Prince
On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down...Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board.
— Hilary McKay, Indigo's Star
Oh, Micheal darling!""Don't call me darling, I'm a driving instructor!
— Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"- Cruz
— Derrolyn Anderson, The Moon and the Tide
I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.
— Hannah Vandegrift
Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.
— Brian Martinez, Kissing You is Like Trying to Punch a Ghost
They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows."Indigo!" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above."It's all right, Caddy!" Indigo called cheerfully. "We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.""We keep finding more stuff to land on!" added Rose. "Look!
— Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel
If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.
— Richard Kadrey, Butcher Bird
The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.
— Dave Courtney, Raving Lunacy: Clubbed To Death
Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.
— Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash.
— Koushun Takami, Battle Royale
He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop?...You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world.""No way.""Yes way.""What about the FBI?""Featherweights.""The CIA?"Mackintosh snorted. "Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time.
— Mac Barnett, The Case of the Case of Mistaken Identity
I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...
— Woody Allen
Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
— Terry Pratchett, Maskerade
If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.
— Richard Kadrey, Kill the Dead
I strike fear into you because I am a man?""It isn't funny.""I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.
— Catherine Anderson, Comanche Moon
Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.
— Zathyn Priest, One of Those Days
I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover.
— Ethan Day, Life in Fusion
Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.
— Derek The Ghost, Scary School
Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen.
— Brian Jacques, Mossflower
Good dog! Nice fetch!""He wasn't fetching.""Bring her here, boy. Good job!"The dog looked from Zack to me."I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it.
— Elizabeth Chandler, The Back Door of Midnight
Remove yourself, sir!
— David McCullough, John Adams
Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls," Dad says."They were the bomb," I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows."'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'?"Duh," I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh."Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles," he says, turning onto our street.
— Maya Gold, Scheme Spirit
I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything.
— E.J. Stevens, Legend of Witchtrot Road
maybe somebody finally shot the dog.
— Dave Barry, Big Trouble
Well," Mr. Cheeseman interjected. "Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego.""What's an alter ego?" asked Gerard."It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent?""It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane.""Okay," Gerard conceded. "Captain Fabulous's alter ego will be...Teddy Roosevelt.
— Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story
You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye
— Krista Alasti, Taming Shadows
A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.
— Hanna Lui, Blow
HAMLET I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)
— William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Don’t do it gurl,” he said with a wink. “You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.
— Ethan Day, Life in Fusion
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
— Steven Wright
I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran
— Krista Alasti, Taming Shadows
Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--
— David Nicholls, One Day
As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on fire. Hmm. Come to think of it, in no way whatsoever did the sun, in this instance, resemble a leaky boat. My apologies. That was a dreadful attempt at simile. Please allow me to try again. As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a self-luminous, gaseous sphere comprised mainly of of hydrogen and helium.
— Cuthbert Soup, A Whole Nother Story
Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.
— Rita Mae Brown, Rubyfruit Jungle
The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train.
— Ben Macintyre, Agent Zigzag: A True Story of Nazi Espionage, Love, and Betrayal
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
— Bob Hope
Hey!" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. "Keep your snot to yourself."Dev scoffed at that. "Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?" He tsked. "What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for.... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.
— Cynthia Heimel
I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. 
— Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary...I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent.
— Cuthbert Soup, Another Whole Nother Story
I beg your pardon I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man. 
— Santosh Kalwar
The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife
— Ruth Downie, Terra Incognita
He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!
— Cuthbert Soup, A Whole Nother Story
Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.
— Elizabeth C. Bunce, A Curse Dark as Gold
Robert said, "This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade."Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+
— Andrew Clements, We the Children
Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
— Satchel Paige
Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!
— Daniel Nayeri, Another Faust
I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.
— Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist
Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy," my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word "short."Yeah," I tell her in return, "but he compensates by being Tom Cruise."Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever.
— Ann Edwards Cannon, The Loser's Guide to Life and Love
What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?
— William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.
— Jimmy Gownley, Amelia Rules! Volume 6: True Things Adults Don't Want Kids to Know
I can never be perfectly certain whether Helen was got with child by Leonard Bast or by his fatal forgotten umbrella. All things considered, I think it must have been the umbrella.
— Katherine Mansfield
I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah
— Kate Carlisle, Homicide in Hardcover
We have truth in order not to die of art.
— Steve Aylett
Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.
— Adam Rex, Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
This one's for Alaska Young!
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.
— Chetan Bhagat, 2 States: The Story of My Marriage
When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.
— Nenia Campbell, Bound to Accept
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.
— Albert Einstein
I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle's house, had our meals sent up, and didn't emerge for several days. This is absolutely untrue. I would never behave like that as a guest in someone's home. Carlos and I went to my beach house. 
— Martha Graham, Blood Memory
SUBJECT: Real originalDear Dark Assholes,I get the point. Showing me that you know how to log onto a computer and utilize Google must’ve taken some pretty keen strategizing on your part.Really, really cool trick. Now leave me the hell alone.-The DL
— S.L. Jennings, The Dark Prince
There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters
— Philip K. Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her."You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.
— Olivia Cunning, Touch Me
always schedule your comeback.
— Brooke Bida
And I wanted to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face." Galen"As I recall, you did. And then you kicked me in the ass and sent me sprawling, pampered face first, into a pile of horseshit." Styxx"And you said not a word about it to anyone. You got up, took your training sword, and faced me as if you landed in a bed of poppies. All the while, shit dripping down you."Galen
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Styxx
He laughed and was about to retort when she grabbed his collar and pulled him into her. She clamped her lips around his mouth and mashed her face into his. He took a step back in surprise and she went with him, stepping in a patch of wet floor. Her legs went out from under her and flailed as she fell, whacking him in the throat on the way down. She looked up at him as he gagged and coughed, and from across the corridor she could hear Tanith laughing hysterically. "I think I need practice," Valkyrie muttered.
— Derek Landy, Dark Days
I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries." "Oh, come on. You know you want to."D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up."Jack laughed. "Not yet you aren't." He looked at D's face, smiling with him.
— Jane Seville, Zero at the Bone
With the Book hitching rides, hiding on people, guess we’re all going to be dressing like skanks for a while, huh? Skintight or skin. Dude, everybody’s everything’s gonna be hanging out, and some o’ those fat chicks at the abbey are gonna gross my eyeballs right outta my head. Muffin tops and camel toes, gah!
— Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever
Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest.
— Shannon L. Alder
Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.
— Brett Tate
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
— Jeff Valdez
This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.
— M. Beth Bloom, Drain You
There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.
— Shannon L. Alder
We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.
— Lisa Kleypas, Devil in Spring
How are we going to get out of here?""Oh, escape is easy once you have the right 
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.
— Gauri Jhangiani, The Extraordinary Lives of Ordinary People
Thank you for helping my sister,” he says.I lean forward, mimicking his position. “I’m happy to.”Calliope leans out her window. “STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.
— Stephanie Perkins, Lola and the Boy Next Door
The Prince of Hell shrugged. 'Shit Happens
— Jana Oliver, Forbidden
Arjuro made a scoffing sound. ‘You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?’Froi looked away. ‘Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.’‘Isaboe? We’re on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?’ Gargarin asked.Froi found himself bristling. ‘What? Do you think I’m some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words “I wantto kill a Charynite King” tattooed on my arse?
— Melina Marchetta, Froi of the Exiles
-What's so funny?""-Sorry," David said, reddening again. "You just taste so sweet.""-What do you mean, sweet?"He licked his bottom lip one more time."-You taste like honey.""-Honey?""-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day...well, you know, that one day. But it was the same today. Your mouth is really sweet."He paused for a second, then grinned."-Hot like honey-like nectar. That makes more sense.""-Great. Now I'm going to have to explain that to everyone I kiss for the rest of my life unless it's you or another faerie." She'd almost said Tamani's name. Her fingers flew to the ring around her neck.David shrugged."-Then don't kiss anyone except me.""-David...""-I'm just offering up the obvious solution," he said, hands up in protest.
— Aprilynne Pike, Wings
Civilization begins with distillation
— William Faulkner