c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.
— Richelle Mead, Frostbite
Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.
— Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nontheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park. 
— Lemony Snicket, The End
You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.
— James Patterson
Lead me not into temptation
—  I can find the way myself.
You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.
— Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek
Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?"I nod, eyes closed. its texture, shape, and color—got it?"I smile, holding the image in my head. its contours with the tips of your fingers, cradle its weight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your senses—sight, touch, smell, taste—can you taste it?"I bite my lip and suppress a giggle. it!" he says.So I do. I do all of those things. And when he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.. This isn't even close.""Nope, nothing fruity about him." I laugh, smiling ateach of my Damens—the replica I manifested before me, and the flesh and blood version beside me. Both of them equally tall, dark, and so devastatingly handsome they hardly seem real.
— Alyson Noel, Blue Moon
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
— Ron White
This is a good place," he said."There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
— Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.
— Derek Landy, Death Bringer
Come on guys, you cant fight like this forever""Actually," Simon said, raising his hand,"I can".Jace made a weird noise and I realized he was trying not to laugh-which by the way, wasn't working.
— Cassandra Clare
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
— H.L. Mencken, Minority Report
An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps
— Kathy Reichs, Virals
You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
— Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
— Drew Carey
if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.
— Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.
— Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn
You wanna go build some shelves with me?
— Alexandra Bracken, In The Afterlight
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
— Dave Barry
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
— Steven Wright
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.
— Yogi Berra
Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Dream Thieves
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
— Steven Wright
rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.
— David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. 
— Chris Rock
If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.
— Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
So the first thing we're gonna do," I told him, "is push you off the roof.
— James Patterson, Fang
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
Ooh..I want one" - BexThey're not puppies." -Cammie
— Ally Carter
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
— Demetri Martin
No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.
— Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot
I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.
— P.C. Cast, Chosen
Alec?" Magnus was staring at him. He had dispatched the remaining Iblis demons, and the square was empty but for the two of them. "Did you just- did you just save my life?" Alec knew he ought to say something like, Of course, because I'm a Shadowhunter and that's what we do, or That's my job. Jace would have said something like that. Jace always knew the right thing to say. But the words that actually came out of Alec's mouth where quite different- and sounded petulant, even to his own ears. "You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back." Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
— Dave Barry
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
— Steven Wright
Jace suggested that the cast of "Gilligan's Island" could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
Civilization is vastly overrated.
— Patricia Briggs, On the Prowl
Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.
— H.L. Mencken, Prejudices: Second Series
No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that."Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men
Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained."Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.
— Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex
Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier." Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.
— Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily
Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.
— Patrick Ness, The Ask and the Answer
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
— Steven Wright
When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
— Henry Rollins
The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.
— Viktor E. Frankl
You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.
— Anne Frank, The Diary of Anne Frank
Must be weird for you, having your mom here.""Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.""Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room.""Cal," I said with mock astonishment, "did you just make a joke?""Maybe.
— Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
— Mae West
Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. "I'm not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage." "Have you gone crazy? They'll..." Eragon's voice trailed off as he thought about it. "They won't be able to do a thing." "Exactly," said Saphira. "We can inflict lots of damage from a safe height." "Let's drop rocks on them!
— Christopher Paolini
Ride?" Rhage snorted. "Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop."When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers. "What." Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can laugh, you know. And that's . . . pretty damn funny." Rhage beamed. "I knew I liked you.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Mine
A word to the wise is infuriating. 
— Hunter S. Thompson
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect
—  then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.
— Emma Donoghue, Room
Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
— Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker
Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
— Stephen Colbert, I Am America
Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace
— Cassandra Clare
I never met a man that I didn't like.
— Will Rogers
There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Two things that matter to me. Emotional resonance and rocket launchers.
— Joss Whedon
I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
— Nick Cave
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
— Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping
Um," Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.""But I feel better," Jared answered, sullen.Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him.
— Stephenie Meyer, The Host
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.
— Niall Horan, One Direction: Forever Young: Our Official X Factor Story
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
— David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.
— Stephen Hawking
Hush Hattie!" I said, intoxicated with my success. "I don't want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan't marry the prince." I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and called out into the night, "I shan't marry the prince." I turned back into the hall and ran to Char and threw my arms about his neck. "I shan't marry you." I kissed his cheek. He was safe from me.
— Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted
I have a terrible memory
—  I never forget a thing.
It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.
— Richelle Mead, Frostbite
This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?" "He's a she," Mom said. "Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed." "Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
— David Sedaris
If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...
— Sophie Kinsella, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan
Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive.
— James Patterson, Angel
If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right. 
— Brian Andreas
You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.
— Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
— Stephen King, Christine
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
— Ray Romano
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
— Will Rogers
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.
— Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays
Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.
— Dick Francis, To the Hilt
[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957.
— Bill Watterson, Scientific Progress Goes "Boink": A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
So what else can I tell you?" I asked. "I mean, to get you to reveal Lily to me."She triangled her fingers under her chin. "Let's see. Are you a bed wetter?""Am I a...?""Bed wetter. I am asking if you are a bed wetter."I knew she was trying to get me to blink. But I wouldn't."No, ma'am. I leave my beds dry.""Not even a little drip every now and then?""I'm trying hard to see how this is germane.""I'm gauging your honesty. What is the last periodical you read methodically?""Vogue. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, that's mostly because I was in my mother's bathroom, enduring a rather long bowel movement. You know, the kind that requires Lamaze.""What adjective do you feel the most longing for?"That was easy. "I will admit I have a soft spot for fanciful.""Let's say I have a hundred million dollars and offer it to you. The only condition is that if you take it, a man in China will fall off his bicycle and die. What do you do?""I don't understand why it matters whether he's in China or not. And of course I wouldn't take the money."The old woman nodded."Do you think Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual?""All I can say for sure is that he never made a pass at me.""Are you a museumgoer?""Is the pope a churchgoer?""When you see a flower painted by Georgia O'Keefe, what comes to mind?""That's just a transparent ploy to get me to say the word vagina, isn't it? There. I said it. Vagina.
— David Levithan, Dash & Lily's Book of Dares
...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.
— John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
— Christopher Moore
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
— Steven Wright
You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Carry on, Jeeves
An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.
— Winston S. Churchill
We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.
— Leslie Knope
You know how to shoot?"- Emma"Yes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert." - Heather"What happened to him?" -Shanna"He was...shot." -Heather
— Kerrelyn Sparks, The Undead Next Door
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
— Albert Einstein
You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster."With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.
— Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger
The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, 'All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.
— Frank Zappa
George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.
— Margaret Cho
We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn
— Michael  Grant, Lies
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
— Steven Wright
Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command
— Andy Weir, The Martian
Leo frowned at the giant's spire. "Can't we blow it up or something?""Without me, you do not have the power," Hera said. "You might as well try to destroy a mountain.""Done that once today," Jason said.
— Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
Hermes smiled. "I knew a boy once ... oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really."Hermes ignored them. "One night, when this boy's mother wasn't watching, he sneaked out of their cave and stole some cattle that belonged to Apollo.""Did he get blasted to tiny pieces?" I asked."Hmm ... no. Actually, everything turned out quite well. To make up for his theft, the boy gave Apollo an instrument he'd invented-a lyre. Apollo was so enchanted with the music that he forgot all about being angry."So what's the moral?""The moral?" Hermes asked. "Goodness, you act like it's a fable. It's a true story. Does truth have a moral?""Um ...""How about this: stealing is not always bad?""I don't think my mom would like that moral.", suggested George. Martha demanded.."I've got it," Hermes said. "Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. How's that?
— Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."SMASH!"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.
— Neil Gaiman, Stardust
They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on.""They're for fighting, not fashion.""So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan.""And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound
A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn't notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
I'm a girl of extremes. When I love something, I'm like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I'm cranky, I'm a wasp (like a whole hive of 'em). And when I'm angry, I'm a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous.
— James Patterson, Fang
Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you--do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?
— Chuck Palahniuk, Rant
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
— Dorothy Parker
i told you he'd freak out, she siad. didn't i?ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
— Steven Wright
You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?
— Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood
Niall had been able to mask the odor of fairy from Eric in the restaurant, but I saw from the flare of Eric's nostrils that the intoxicating scent clung to me. Eric's eyes closed in ecstasy, and he actually licked his lips. I felt like a T-bone just out of reach of a hungry dog. "Snap out of it," I said. I wasn't in the mood.With a huge effort, Eric reigned himself in. "When you smell like that," he said, "I just wanna fuck you and bite you and rub myself all over you.
— Charlaine Harris
I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
— George Gordon Byron
It is the iron." Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws."This close to the false king's realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders."Puck snorted."Doesn't seem like it's affecting you much, Cat."That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things.""Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen
Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off. 
— Spider Robinson
How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, "Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?" To which the man responded, "That's your worry.
— Max Lucado
What's this about?""Finally. Interest," was the only response."If this is one of your tricks..." Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic "ladies" had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.Things like that happened when Torin was bored.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
— Alfred Hitchcock
I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?""Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."I could feel the heat rush to my face.Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.
— Janet Evanovich, Four to Score
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
— Jen Lancaster
In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
— Christopher Moore, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.
— Mark Twain
When I grow up, I'd like to be dangerous.
— Kirsten Miller, Inside the Shadow City
My beard grows down to my toes,I never wears no clothes,I wraps my hairAround my bare,And down the road I goes.
— Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends: Poems and Drawings
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
— Mary Karr, The Liars' Club
Wit is educated insolence.
— Aristotle
You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.
— Ally Carter, Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy
Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake" hate.
— John Green, Looking for Alaska
Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.
— Heather Brewer, Twelfth Grade Kills
Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?
— William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair
The sh*t's gonna splatter, start buggin, yo..."Mencheres to Cat
— Jeaniene Frost, Destined for an Early Grave
Before I could lose my courage, I said, "Don't I get a kiss for luck? It's kind of a tradition, right?"I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. "Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we'll see.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.
— Kresley Cole, Dreams of a Dark Warrior
His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.He worshipped her. He'd walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience of her three brothers.Slowly breaking the kiss, he turned his face to the side. Anthony, Benedict, and Colin were still standing in the foyer.Anthony was studying the ceiling, Benedict was pretending to inspect his fingernails, and Colin was staring quite shamelessly.
— Julia Quinn, The Duke and I
I'll go," he said."And that's safer because?""I'm a guy.""Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?
— Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool
An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.'I could have tripped.'She stared at him. A moment dragged by.'I'm joking,' he said at last.She relaxed. 'Really?''Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.
— Derek Landy, Playing with Fire
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
— Mark Twain
Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days.
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
— Eddie Izzard, Glorious
Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven't met that guy yet. When you meet him, let's get him in to the Smithsonian - he's that special and rare.
— Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Sex is like air
—  it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.
— Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora
Holly's theory about the army," Sharon explained.And what is it?" Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
— Cecelia Ahern, PS, I Love You
Sed paused in his song, feeling ridiculous for singing it to her while they made love.“Baby, you realize this song is about Trey’s dead dog, don’t you?
— Olivia Cunning, Rock Hard
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
You must have been going very fast.""I was, until I hit the fence.
— Anthony Horowitz, Ark Angel
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.
— Dorothy Parker
Bite me, Harry Potter.
— Meg Cabot, Runaway
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
— Steven Wright
I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson
— One Direction
I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum
— Janet Evanovich, Two for the Dough
I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
— Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites
Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound
Don't mess with a wizard when he's wizarding!
— Jim Butcher
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
— Lili St. Crow
If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.
— Jen Lancaster
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?
— Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
I'd been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time
—  now I had to start living for them.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.
— Isman H. Suryaman
So you were going to rescue the Prince! Why did you pretend to run away? To deceive the Witch?""Not likely! I'm a coward. Only way I can do something this frightening is to tell myself I'm not doing it!
— Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle
Talk is cheap. Show me the code.
— Linus Torvalds
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.
— Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson
You didn't have to come after me.""Yes, I did," he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.""That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you.""Forgive me? Fro what?""Fro telling me to shut up."His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-""Never mind.
— Cassandra Clare
Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren't enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.
— Gena Showalter, The Darkest Kiss
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
— Graham Chapman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Finnik?” I say. “Maybe some pants?” He looks down at his legs as if noticing them for the first time. Then he whips of his hospital gown, leaving him in just is underwear. “Why? Do you find this”-he strikes a ridiculously proactive pose-“distracting?” I can’t help laughing because it’s funny, and it’s extra funny because Boggs looks so uncomfortable, and I’m happy because Finnik actually sounds like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell. “I’m only human, Odair.” I get in before the elevator doors close. “Sorry,” I say to Boggs. “Don’t be. I thought you… handled that well,” He says. “Better than my having to arrest him, anyway.”  Fulvia Cardew hustles over an makes a sound of frustration when she sees my clean face. “All that hard work, down the drain. I’m not blaming you, Katniss. It’s just that very few people are born with camera-ready faces. Like him.” She snags Gale, who’s in a conversation with Plutarch, and spins him towards us. “Isn’t he handsome?” Gale does look stricking in the uniform, I guess. But the question just embarrasses us both Given our history. I’m trying to think of a witty comeback when Boggs says brusquely, “Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
— Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
You used nunchucks on a moose?"Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard.
— Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily
Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.
— Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.
— Gary Larson, The Complete Far Side, 1980–1994
Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.
— William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
— Steven Wright
Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
This is what it's all been about with you," he said in an even tone. "All the fear, allthe running. The nightmares." When she nodded, he said, "You called him the devil.""But you... married him?" "Basically? Yes.""Ceremony and everything?"She swallowed. "He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen."A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. "Then know this..."She stopped breathing."Lass, I'm about to make you a widow--
— Kresley Cole, Pleasure of a Dark Prince
I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.''I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.
— Kristin Walker, A Match Made in High School
Is it really you this time, Kells?”“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.
— Colleen Houck
He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
— Michelle Obama
Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked.  "Well," I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die." "We're not busy," Annabeth said.
— Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
— Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid. 
— Kim Harrison, The Outlaw Demon Wails
The Princess Andromeda?""Went ka-boom.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
Har. Bloody. Har.
— Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
— Steven Wright
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
— Dave Barry
I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.
— Augusten Burroughs
A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.
— Steven Pressfield, The Virtues of War: A Novel of Alexander the Great
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
— Fulton J. Sheen
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there
—  you're on your own.
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
— Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns
First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard.
— Jeaniene Frost, Eternal Kiss of Darkness
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
— Scott Adams
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.
— Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.
— Jessica Park, Flat-Out Love
Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street. 
— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
— Ellen DeGeneres
There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.
— Carrie Fisher
Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing."First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson.""I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first.
— Myra McEntire, Hourglass
Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
— Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times: The Play
You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.
— Morrissey
She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
— George Carlin, Brain Droppings
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
— Gail Carriger, Soulless
Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.
— David Levithan, Boy Meets Boy
Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.
— Jean Cocteau
Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-
— Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse
If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.
— Kiersten White, Paranormalcy
I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
— Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox
We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.
— Cassandra Clare
My parents are going to kill me!""That seems rather harsh...
— Garth Nix, Sir Thursday