c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
After 'Freaks and Geeks,' I dealt with several producers who wanted to cover up all my beauty marks, every single mole on my body. They tried to cover them on my first two episodes of 'Dawson's Creek,' and it just looked ridiculous, so I had to put my foot down. But it's not something I'm insecure about.
— Busy Philipps
So every creative act strives to attain an absolute status it longs to create a world of beauty to triumph over chaos and convert it to order. 
— Rowan Williams
Grace is in garments, in movements, in manners; beauty in the nude, and in forms. This is true of bodies; but when we speak of feelings, beauty is in their spirituality, and grace in their moderation.
— Joseph Joubert
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
— Phyllis Diller
I cannot go to Montreal without going to Beauty's, my favorite place for breakfast, where I have the Mish-Mash omelet with hot dogs, salami, eggs, green peppers, and onions, and the best banana bread in the world. It's legendary!
— Gail Simmons
Beauty and fullness of tone can be achieved by having the whole orchestra play with high clarinets and a carefully selected number of piccolos.
— Gustav Mahler
Some guys say beauty is only skin deep. But when you walk into a party, you don't see somebody's brain. The initial contact has to be the sniffing.
— James Caan
Beauty at 70 years old isn't the same as beauty at 20 years old, but it is stunning nonetheless.
— Victoria Moran
There is great beauty in going through life without anxiety or fear. Half our fears are baseless, and the other half discreditable.
— Christian Nestell Bovee
Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.
— Imelda Marcos
Personalized beauty is about each woman being able to create her own makeup routine that complements her coloring and style.
— Bobbi Brown
And for me, the real world involves everything: risk, danger, beauty, energy, all we meet with in the real world.
— Christo
I also became close to nature, and am now able to appreciate the beauty with which this world is endowed.
— James Dean
Having inner beauty is something you develop on your own, and I like to think I have that.
— Cindy Margolis
Beauty is only skin deep. If you go after someone just because she's beautiful but don't have anything to talk about, it's going to get boring fast. You want to look beyond the surface and see if you can have fun or if you have anything in common with this person.
— Amanda Peet
It's amazing what sleep does for your looks.
— Emily Procter
Vampires have always held a very seductive kind of lore and have always been some variety of attractive, whether it's attractiveness that's born of just the physical attributes that they have - this kind of ethereal beauty or translucent pallor - or whether it is more to do with the way they carry themselves.
— Colin Farrell
So far as female beauty is concerned, the Circassian women have no superiors. They have preserved in their mountain home the purity of the Grecian models, and still display the perfect physical loveliness, whose type has descended to us in the Venus de Medici.
— Bayard Taylor
If you've never had a mother or a father, you grow up seeking something you're never going to find, ever. You seek it in love and in people and in beauty.
— Gloria Vanderbilt
I grew up in a family where we weren't allowed to talk about beauty or to put any emphasis on physical appearance.
— Pam Grier
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
— Tim Vine
I'm a great believer in the beauty and the power of surprise.
— Mark Gatiss
I'm a storyteller: the crux of the matter is to reach beauty, poetry; it doesn't matter if that is comedy or tragedy. They're the same if you reach the beauty.
— Roberto Benigni
So, we just kind of created our own thing and that's part of the beauty of Athens: is that it's so off the map and there's no way you could ever be the East Village or an L.A. scene or a San Francisco scene, that it just became its own thing.
— Michael Stipe
One of my favorite beauty products is Vincent Longo Water Canvas creamy blush. I have it in every color and I've been using it for 5 years and that's all I put on when I leave the house. It looks so natural I just put a little bit on my cheeks to give them some color.
— Alessandra Ambrosio
Asian people have a unique way about them and a different sense of beauty. It's exotic to me. I like they way Asians project their feelings. There's a hardness to the culture, but at the same time there's a delicateness.
— Paz Vega
Because beauty isn't enough, there must be something more.
— Eva Herzigova
I completely agree that a sound sleep is the best beauty product. Sound sleep, one of the most important but underrated thing, helps to make you more beautiful. I can never understand how people work so hard that they miss out on their sleep.
— Shraddha Kapoor
Red lipstick has been my beauty staple for years. I show up to Pilates or yoga at 8 A.M. wearing my red lipstick.
— Liz Goldwyn
I have always loved young women for their sensitive spiritual nature, gentleness, and special beauty.
— Margaret D. Nadauld
As a busy working mom I'm always pressed for time, so a quick and easy beauty routine is key!
— Angela Kinsey
My mother is a beauty.
— Mary-Louise Parker
But the beauty of Einstein's equations, for example, is just as real to anyone who's experienced it as the beauty of music. We've learned in the 20th century that the equations that work have inner harmony.
— Edward Witten
Though beauty gives you a weird sense of entitlement, it's rather frightening and threatening to have others ascribe such importance to something you know you're just renting for a while.
— Candice Bergen
Beauty set up distance between other people and me. It warped their behavior.
— Candice Bergen
Even if you play perfectly, a fault of your opponent's can destroy the entire beauty of the game.
— Vladimir Kramnik
Remember always that the composer's pen is still mightier than the bow of the violinist in you lie all the possibilities of the creation of beauty. 
— John Philip Sousa
Especially as a title-holder, you can do great things with charities, because people suddenly care about what you have to say. I wanted to make a difference, which is why I created the Queen of the Universe pageant. I want to change all of those stigmas in the beauty pageant world.
— Joyce Giraud
In the 19th century, you had bourgeois art without politics - an almost frozen idea of what beauty is.
— Douglas Sirk
I love fashion, beauty, glamour. It's the mark of civilisation.
— David LaChapelle
We live in a state with a wonderful climate and plenty of natural beauty, from the shores of Cumberland Island to the Chattahoochee River to the Blue Ridge Mountains.
— Roy Barnes
It's how you look at beauty. Is it only an outward appearance with hair and makeup and a hot body, or is it something deeper than that?
— Hilary Swank
The very women who object to the morals of a notoriously beautiful actress, grow big with pride when an admirer suggests their marked resemblance to this stage beauty in physique.
— Minna Antrim
I can hold a cup of sake on a full moon in Japan, and the reflection of the moon in that little cup can make me feel so enthusiastic about beauty. That one good, magical moment can give me enough to create other things like the teardrop earring or necklace.
— Elsa Peretti
One of the most beautiful passages of Rousseau is that in the sixth book of Confessions, where he describes the awakening in him of the literary sense. Of such wisdom, the poetic passion, the desire of beauty, the love of art for its own sake, has most.
— Walter Pater
I can't imagine it if beauty was the only currency I used as an actress. It just doesn't interest me.
— Hayley Atwell
My work is not about 'form follows function,' but 'form follows beauty' or, even better, 'form follows feminine.'
— Oscar Niemeyer
The love of beauty in its multiple forms is the noblest gift of the human cerebrum.
— Alexis Carrel
My father always taught by telling stories about his experiences. His lessons were about morality and art and what insects and birds and human beings had in common. He told me what it meant to be a man and to be a Black man. He taught me about love and responsibility, about beauty, and how to make gumbo.
— Walter Mosley
Beauty and the Beast became the first animated feature ever nominated for best picture.
— Leonard Maltin
But I think it is a serious issue to wonder about the other platonic absolutes of say beauty and morality.
— Roger Penrose
I don't like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and it isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them.
— Boris Pasternak
I've backpacked to countries like Italy and Turkey and observed beautiful scenery, but then I realized that beauty was always very close to me. It is here in Belitung Island, where the rivers, beaches and the terrain captivate my attention most.
— Andrea Hirata
'A Court of Thorns and Roses' was actually inspired by three of my all-time-favorite fairy/folktales: 'Beauty and the Beast,' 'East of the Sun, West of the Moon' and 'Tam Lin.' I got the kernel of inspiration by wondering: 'What if 'Beauty' was a huntress?'
— Sarah J. Maas
Beauty is less important than quality.
— Eugene Ormandy
What delights us in visible beauty is the invisible.
— Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Beauty is the disinterested one, without which the ancient world refused to understand itself, a word which both imperceptibly and yet unmistakably has bid farewell to our new world, a world of interests, leaving it to its own avarice and sadness.
— Hans Urs von Balthasar
Art ought never to be considered except in its relations with its ideal beauty.
— Alfred de Vigny
The truth, the absolute truth, is that the chief beauty for the theatre consists in fine bodily proportions.
— Sarah Bernhardt
For me, a page of good prose is where one hears the rain and the noise of battle. It has the power to give grief or universality that lends it a youthful beauty.
— John Cheever
Beauty is not everything!
— Chita Rivera
Genetics is all about showcasing human beauty along with high-quality performance.
— Bela Karolyi
I may be old-fashioned. But I believe there is such a thing as a search for beauty - a delight in the nice things in the world. And I don't think one should have to apologise for it.
— Saul Leiter
'Changes in Latitudes' began when I was looking at a photograph of a sea turtle swimming underwater. I had such a strong feeling for the beauty of this ancient creature, at home in the sea. On the spot, I wanted to swim with that turtle. I began to imagine a character who would do just that.
— Will Hobbs
I say to the young, be happy that you were born in Italy because of the beauty of the human capital, both masculine and feminine, of this country... No other country has such human capital.
— Rita Levi-Montalcini
Fashion is quite inclusive and good at embracing different things and different forms of beauty. It's a very liberal industry. You can be yourself. Just not overweight.
— Andrej Pejic
If our hearts are ready for anything, we are touched by the beauty and poetry and mystery that fill our world.
— Tara Brach
Beauty, more than bitterness, makes the heart break.
— Sara Teasdale
I think everybody can be beautiful. Anybody can have beauty. It's about how you look at the world, in a way, and how you treat yourself.
— Elizabeth Peyton
All things are perceived in the light of charity, and hence under the aspect of beauty; for beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love.
— Evelyn Underhill
He was afflicted by the thought that where Beauty was, nothing ever ran quite straight, which no doubt, was why so many people looked on it as immoral.
— John Galsworthy
For me the greatest beauty always lies in the greatest clarity.
— Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
There's one more thing I want to say. It's a touchy subject. Black beauty. Black sensuality. We live in a culture where the beauty of black people isn't always as celebrated as other types. I'd like to help change that if I can!
— Jody Watley
The South is very beautiful but its beauty makes one sad because the lives that people live here, and have lived here, are so ugly.
— James Baldwin
My mum is my beauty icon, because she represents what I think beauty is.
— Bar Refaeli
Talent, like beauty, to be pardoned, must be obscure and unostentatious.
— Marguerite Gardiner
The real sin against life is to abuse and destroy beauty, even one's own even more, one's own, for that has been put in our care and we are responsible for its well-being.
— Katherine Anne Porter
Beauty is in the character of a person. It's about having an interesting face and about what's inside. Anyone can take a good picture.
— Patrick Demarchelier
I was always anti-marriage. I didn't understand monogamy. I couldn't figure out how that could last. And then I met Bryn and I started to understand the beauty of constancy and history and change and going on the roller coaster with someone - of having a partner in life.
— Maria Bello
But, when the work was finished, the Craftsman kept wishing that there were someone to ponder the plan of so great a work, to love its beauty, and to wonder at its vastness.
— Giovanni Pico della Mirandola
When everything else physical and mental seems to diminish, the appreciation of beauty is on the increase.
— Bernard Berenson
The closest thing I use to beauty products is the grease on the pizza from John's Pizzeria.
— Mark Feuerstein
Beauty, of course, is the most important requirement and the paramount asset of the applicant.
— Florenz Ziegfeld
Beauty is the first present nature gives to women and the first it takes away.
— Fay Weldon
The plainer the dress, the greater luster does beauty appear.
— Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax
O human beauty, what a dream art thou, that we should cast our life and hopes away on thee!
— Bryan Procter
In such ugly times, the only true protest is beauty.
— Phil Ochs
I loved Belle in 'Beauty and the Beast.' I just wanted to be her. I'm a brunette, so I think I kind of cling to all those princesses that have brown hair. I just wanted to be them.
— Kara Lindsay
What beauty is, I know not, though it adheres to many things.
— Albrecht Durer
In places where this beauty has already disappeared, we will reconstruct it.
— Fritz Todt
Sometimes, homely things are done for the best reasons in the world and thus achieve a beauty of their own.
— Gene Weingarten
The ever increasing spiritual damage caused by life within the big city will make this hunger practically uncontrollable when we build here on this the landscape of our homeland we must be clear that we will protect its beauty.
— Fritz Todt
When works of art are presented like rare butterflies on the walls, they're decontextualized. We admire their beauty, and I have nothing against that, per se. But there is more to art than that.
— Hans Haacke
What I loved about 'Summer' was that they were these four bright kids with a wonderful future. In a way, she was the one with the brains, and then you have the beauty queen and the jock and the introvert.
— Kevin Williamson
Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic.
— Rosalind Russell
Familiarity is a magician that is cruel to beauty but kind to ugliness.
— Ouida
It is the addition of strangeness to beauty that constitutes the romantic character in art.
— Walter Hagen
Even in decline, a virtuous man increases the beauty of his behavior. A burning stick, though turned to the ground, has its flame drawn upwards.
— Saskya Pandita
I can't live without my beauty products. I love to be in my bathroom with my candles lit, morning, noon and night. I like taking hot baths and hot showers, using my body scrubs and lotions.
— Traci Bingham
Beauty, the eternal Spouse of the Wisdom of God and Angel of his Presence thru' all creation.
— Robert Bridges
Turkey was fantastic, Turkey was, like, mystical and such a special place. Just unique, something that's really hard to describe, such beauty, those mountains and the stone is kind of, eroded? Special erosion which makes what you see just something that seems, it's been made for a movie, it's like something out of fantasy, except it's real.
— Violante Placido
I always carry lip balm and lipstick. Lipstick is a very important beauty product because I find that lips are the most beautiful feature of anyone's face.
— Fan Bingbing
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
— Redd Foxx
I know a lot of aesthetically beautiful women who are not nice people, and they do not come across as beautiful to me. I think the number one thing for beauty is a smile. I love a woman with a beautiful smile.
— Sara Foster
I always loved Belle from 'Beauty and the Beast'. I always thought I looked like her, so I dressed like her for every Halloween.
— Sofia Carson
I'm now more about romantic beauty. The dominatrix thing is over. You never look as good in person as you do in 'Maxim,' but it's fun. It's all like a fantasy.
— Julianna Guill
You can only perceive real beauty in a person as they get older.
— Anouk Aimee
Mathematics are the result of mysterious powers which no one understands, and which the unconscious recognition of beauty must play an important part. Out of an infinity of designs a mathematician chooses one pattern for beauty's sake and pulls it down to earth.
— Marston Morse
I've been working with Disney all these years doing voice work, and now I'm signed with Disney Fine Arts, doing 'Beauty and the Beast' oil paintings. So it's been an ongoing wonderful job.
— Paige O'Hara
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
— Mitch Hedberg
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself.
— Christina Grimmie
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
— Mark Twain
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
— Saul Bellow
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
— Oliver Herford
We are all here on earth to help others what on earth the others are here for I don't know. 
— W. H. Auden
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
— Ron White
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
— Oscar Levant
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
— Mark Twain
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
— Robin Williams
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
— Don Marquis
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
— Robin Williams
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
— Theodore Roosevelt
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
— Thor Heyerdahl
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
— Lana Turner
I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.
— Ellen DeGeneres
All generalizations are false, including this one.
— Mark Twain
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
— Abraham Lincoln
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
— Clint Eastwood
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
— William Lyon Phelps
What's another word for Thesaurus?
— Steven Wright
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
— George Carlin
Man cannot live by bread alone he must have peanut butter. 
— James A. Garfield
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
— Robert Benchley
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
— Milton Berle
My life needs editing.
— Mort Sahl
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
— Groucho Marx
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
— Wilson Mizner
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
— Groucho Marx
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
— Carrie Fisher
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
— James Joyce
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
— Joan Rivers
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
— Milton Berle
Never have more children than you have car windows.
— Erma Bombeck
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
— Warren Buffett
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
— Joey Adams
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
— Arnold Schwarzenegger
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
— Ronald Reagan
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
— Rodney Dangerfield
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
— Richard Dawkins
I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.
— Paula Deen
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
— Ellen DeGeneres
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
— Walt Whitman
It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail.
— Molly O'Keefe
You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.
— Donald Trump
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
— Paul Simon
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
— Milton Berle
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
— Franklin P. Jones
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
— Jean Giraudoux
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
— Saint Augustine
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
— Mitch Hedberg
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
— James Thurber
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
— Laurence J. Peter
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
— Jean Baudrillard
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
— Josh Billings
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
— John Krasinski
Instant gratification takes too long.
— Carrie Fisher
You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.
— Eminem
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
— Joan Rivers
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
— George Carlin
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
— Johnny Carson
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
— Joan Rivers
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?
— Leo Durocher
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
— Laurence J. Peter
Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy.
— Emma Watson
There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
— Jeff Garlin
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
— Herb Caen
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
— Arnold Schwarzenegger
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
— Les Dawson
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
— Joan Rivers
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
— Will Rogers
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
— Michael Crichton
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
— Charles Dudley Warner
The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.
— Sam Shepard
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
— Fred Allen
I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do.
— Millie Bobby Brown
I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans.
— Gigi Hadid
I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time.
— Terry Crews
I love mankind it's people I can't stand.
— Charles M. Schulz
The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know?
— Mick Ralphs
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
— Casey Stengel
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is we'll find it.
— Sam Levenson
Never put a sock in a toaster.
— Eddie Izzard
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
— Calvin Coolidge
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
— Frank Sinatra
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
— Woody Allen
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
— Laurence J. Peter
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
— Ellen DeGeneres
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
— Jane Wagner
I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart.
— Rob Lowe
It's so funny, you go to acting school thinking you're going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it's in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person's circumstances and another person's experience.
— Lupita Nyong'o
I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff.
— Rhys Darby
Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.
— Bernard Sahlins
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
— Ronald Reagan
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
— Henny Youngman
Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.
— Tracy Morgan
I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.
— Simon Sinek
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
— David Lee Roth
Be obscure clearly.
— E. B. White
A word to the wise is infuriating.
— Hunter S. Thompson
I never said most of the things I said.
— Yogi Berra
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
— P. G. Wodehouse
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
— Robert A. Heinlein
If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.
— Marlon Wayans
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
— P. J. O'Rourke
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
— Billy Connolly
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
— Don Marquis
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
— Groucho Marx
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
— Jack Benny
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
— Jack Benny
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
— Jay Leno
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
— Steve Martin
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
— Mike Myers
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
— Bill Hicks
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
— Tommy Cooper
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
— Demetri Martin
I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.
— Nora Dunn
At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'
— Tom Hanks
To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong!
— Chad Michael Murray
When I'm with my friends I'm funny, but I don't feel like I'm a funny clown.
— Nora Dunn
A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters.
— Barbara Corcoran
You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.
— Bill Burr
I have an unfortunate personality.
— Orson Welles
Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy!
— Hannah Murray
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
— Robert Frost
I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.
— J. Cole
I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.
— Audrey Hepburn
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
— Shah Rukh Khan
I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.
— Jeff Kinney
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid they told me I was being funny. 
— Jim Carrey
I have a funny mental framework when I do physics. I create an imaginary audience in my head to explain things to - it is part of the way I think. For me, teaching and explaining, even to my imaginary audience, is part of the process.
— Leonard Susskind
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
— Frank Lloyd Wright
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
— P. G. Wodehouse
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
— Spike Milligan
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
— W. Clement Stone
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
— David Letterman
I rant, therefore I am.
— Dennis Miller
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
— James Thurber
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
— Johnny Carson
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
— Phyllis Diller
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
— Spike Milligan
Don't talk about yourself it will be done when you leave. 
— Wilson Mizner
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
— Jimmy Fallon
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
— David Brenner
I don't say things to be offensive I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. 
— Marilyn Manson
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
— Jimmy Carr
We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why.
— Daniel Dennett
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
— Robin Williams
Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over.
— Nicole Holofcener
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
— Mitch Hedberg
It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.
— Gertrude Stein
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
— Donald Glover
I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on the Red Sox is a random millionaire athlete from somewhere else.
— Julian Casablancas
Sex is funny and love is serious.
— Stephan Jenkins
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.'
— Paul Feig
The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking.
— Agyness Deyn
I saw a stationery store move.
— Jay London
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
— Alexander Woollcott
Its funny, because for females in general - not just in music, but the corporate ladder as well - anything we do has always been harder for us. When it comes to music, the industry wants you to conform, to look like this and to sound like this and do this or that. It makes it harder. It's harder for us to come out and be bosses and lead the pack.
— Missy Elliott
For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents.
— James Herriot
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
— Imelda Marcos
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
— Rose Kennedy
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
— Steve Martin
Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.
— Jennifer Aniston
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
— Elayne Boosler
There's nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, 'Be yourself.' That's not why I became an actress. That's what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn't become an actor so I could show you me.
— Margot Robbie
I'm fascinated with the stories that we tell. Real histories become fantasies and fairy tales, morality tales and fables. There's something interesting and funny and perverse about the way fairytale sometimes passes for history, for truth.
— Kara Walker
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Every dogma has its day.
— Anthony Burgess
Men are only as loyal as their options.
— Bill Maher
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
— Bob Hope
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
— Charles Kettering
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
— Don Marquis
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
— Elayne Boosler
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
— Henry Kissinger
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
— Jerome K. Jerome
Never floss with a stranger.
— Joan Rivers
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
— Joe E. Lewis
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
— Laurence J. Peter
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
— Lenny Bruce
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
— Lenny Bruce
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
— Logan Pearsall Smith
Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.
— O. Henry
Never fight an inanimate object.
— P. J. O'Rourke
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
— Phyllis Diller
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
— Rita Rudner
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
— Robert Benchley
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
— Steven Wright
You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
— Thomas Hardy
There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.
— Vladimir Nabokov
I like children - fried.
— W. C. Fields
Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
— Yogi Berra
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
— Lewis Black
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
— Jay London
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
— Naguib Mahfouz
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
— Joe Rogan
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
— Ron White
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
— Demetri Martin
It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.
— Danny Boyle
Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
— George M. Cohan
Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.
— Lee Trevino
People want me to be funny all the time. They think I'm being funny no matter what I say or do and that's not the case.
— Christopher Guest
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.
— Gilbert Gottfried
I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.
— Carol Burnett
What I like best is a book that's at least funny once in a while. What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J. D. Salinger
I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
— Will Ferrell
During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.
— Jerry Stiller
Some of the pictures I must say every now and then I just think are going to be funny. When it gets that much, you might as well just pull out all the stops and make it more of a burlesque.
— Martin Mull
I like smart, funny, self-deprecating men.
— Jules Asner
It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
— Zora Neale Hurston
I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned.
— Kristen Bell
I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
— Paris Hilton
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
— Tim Vine
My parents are both very funny but they're also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I'm just a lunatic. I don't know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I'm just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It's not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles.
— Emma Stone
I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that.
— Elisabeth Moss
Thing is, I'm a funny actor, but I'm not good at being funny. I'm going to ramble for a second: I'm an actor who can make things funny in the moment, like in stakes or in circumstances or out of character.
— Matthew Lillard
As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.
— Joseph Gordon-Levitt
My grandchildren are fabulous and funny.
— Erica Jong
I love Charlie, Billy Burke's character. Writing for him is so spectacular, he's so funny and wry and every scene he's in he just takes. There's a scene in 'Eclipse' where Bella tells him she's a virgin, and it's the funniest, most awkward scene I've ever seen on film.
— Melissa Rosenberg
Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It's a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.
— Evan Davis
It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do.
— Tom Colicchio
When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.
— Zach Galifianakis
There are just so many funny kids and teenagers. They're just not aware of how funny they are.
— Vanessa Bayer
I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny.
— Lorrie Moore
I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.
— Jeremy Clarkson
The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.
— Malin Akerman
The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have.
— Will Ferrell
My kind of wanting to be funny didn't come from need, necessarily. The closest I can analyze it is that it was an easy way to make friends, I found out. It was just a great kind of social tool.
— Will Ferrell
To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground.
— Roger Federer
It's funny how the ruthless, murderous gangster has really been romanticized by the media. I mean, I grew up watching the 'Godfathers' and 'Scarface,' and they were the coolest. They're just really interesting stories with great characters. They're rock stars.
— Elena Satine
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
— Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
— Steven Wright
Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, women - we're all trying to find our place in this world of cinema and television and theater. And the great thing with comedy is that most of the time, you could be orange. It doesn't matter, as long you're funny.
— Sandra Bullock
The funny thing is that I feel close to all my characters. Deep, deep inside them all.
— Paul Auster
I've had an experience through music that has touched almost every part of me. It educated me in ways that I didn't get educated in school. So we try to lay on a bit of that, through being funny, being serious, playing hard.
— Bruce Springsteen
I tweet from bed. I love it because it's so quick. And it's funny. But it also leaves a lot of room for error because new people don't sense the sarcasm - there's no sarcasm font.
— Christine Teigen
As a kid, I thought of myself as a funny person who secretly wanted to be serious, but now I think maybe I'm a serious person who secretly wants to be funny.
— Noah Baumbach
Being funny, in some ways, is about being connected to psychology.
— Noah Baumbach
When I play discos in Belfast or freshers' week in Oxford, there are 1,800 kids dressed as me. It's odd, it's funny, and it pays really well.
— David Hasselhoff
I do keep getting these bad girl roles. The funny thing is that, honestly, I don't think I'm believable as these aristocratic mean girls. But I do love playing them.
— Katie McGrath
If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.
— Leo Howard
Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective.
— Virat Kohli
I wasn't the class clown. I wasn't that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they're watching the class clown. And I'm standing in the back, and I turn to the guy next to me and I say something funny to him, and he starts to laugh. And the guy next to him says, 'What did he say?'
— Bob Newhart
Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.
— Dolly Parton