c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Dear Me, Talk about getting the wind knocked out of your sails when your best friend tells you you’re turning into a grumpy hermit. She told me that at breakfast today, and I was in denial until I talked to Chase, that little fucker. I made myself happy by soaking his ass five times before lunch. I did some soul searching, and I don’t think I’m depressed, but I do think I’m becoming too comfortable with being by myself. I’m really beginning to enjoy the company of cats more than people, and that’s probably not a good thing. Sprout and Ginger are so cute right now. Ginger’s cleaning Sprout’s head, and he’s smiling. Sometimes he’ll…yeah, I really need to get out more. I think life would be simpler if people acted more like cats. Like if someone is prattling on about something I don’t care about and I pop them in the forehead, they’d understand to walk away just like a cat does. A simple hiss conveys so much. I will attempt to gradually release myself back into a social environment. Me
— Robin Alexander, Dear Me
..,When the call ended, Haley went back into the bedroom where Falon was lying in bed with an arm over her eyes. “That was Cindy, right?” Falon asked. “Yes, and my parents are driving her crazy. I have to call them. If you want a laugh, listen to my half of the conversation.” Haley climbed into the bed next to Falon and leaned her back against the headboard. She blew out a breath and pressed a button on her phone. “Hey, Dad, I’m… I am fine… yes, I can hear you both… Well, I’m sorry… I am fine,” Haley said forcefully. “No… no… I mean it, no. I’m a grown—late tonight. No… no… absolutely not. Neither of you drive at night—no. I said no. I’m fine… I am fine… no.” She grinned at Falon when she laughed softly. “I’m not alone… no. Another ship passenger—female. No… I know. I’m a grown woman! Yes, I realize that—no! Well, this is why…. no. Yes, but don’t show up before dawn. No. That doesn’t make any sense, no. This call is a dollar a minute… no. Yes, you can bring breakfast. Yes, I will do that—I just said I would do that. Yes… no. Yes. I love you, too, bye.” “That was exhausting,” Falon said with a laugh when Haley released a heavy breath and dropped her phone into her lap.
— Robin Alexander, Fearless
A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?
— Y.M. Nelson, Twenty-Four Hours of Freedom
I have never seen so much male hotness in one place in my entire life,” Rach rasps. “I fucking love America.
— Siobhan Davis, Keeping Kyler
This is the staff sergeant coming out," Kelly told Hagan quietly. "I'm used to it."Hagan looked him up and down, narrowing his eyes. "You come like a fire hose when he gives you an order, don't you?""Only if he tells me to," Kelly countered with a smirk.
— Abigail Roux, Cross & Crown
The only good thing about people not taking me seriously is that I'm not serious myself!
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Youth isn't all it's cracked up to be either.""Then you're doing it wrong.
— Rachel Hauck, The Writing Desk
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?
— Cowboy way
Conjugation of the irregular verb “to design”:I create, You interfere, He gets in the way.We cooperate, You obstruct, They conspire.
— David K. Brown, Before the Ironclad: Warship Design and Development, 1815-1860
She’d gotten through the entire evening without killing anyone. Lieutenant Eve Dallas, cop to the bone, figured the restraint showed enormous strength of character.
— J.D. Robb
As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.
— Mark W Boyer
...I’m insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn’t know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they’re so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her because I’m an idiot...
— Robin Alexander, Just Jorie
Where ya goin’?” Coleen asked. “I’m taking Lena to dinner, then we’re going dancing.” Coleen threw a hand on her hip. “You don’t smell the gumbo that’s been cooking all day? It’s your favorite. I stuffed every aquatic creature I could find into that pot. Claws and legs are hanging out all over the place.” “I’ll have some tomorrow,” Jorie said as she caught one of the screws that dropped from the blade. “I made pie, damn it. Pecan, just because I know you love it. Bring that woman here for dinner and save yourself a buck or two.” “Oh, no,” Jorie said with a laugh. “I really like her. It’s too soon to expose her to an Andolini dinner.
— Robin Alexander, Just Jorie
Yes. Right. You should probably, um..."She had no idea what he should do.Kiss her, she thought. Isn't that what people did after they survived thrilling, near-death experiences together? She was sure it wasn't an appropriate suggestion, but this close, it was all she could think about.
— Marissa Meyer, Cress
So…just to be totally clear, you are a lesbian, right?” Lydia met Harper’s gaze. “I am, and I’m damn proud of it.” “That’s pretty cool.” “Glad you think so,” Lydia said with a smirk. “I’d hate to get another detention for painting you and this ugly-ass badger.
— Robin Alexander
The job market, however, proved distressingly uncooperative. All of the local barista positions had been filled by more enterprising philosophy majors, and Arthur lacked the skills to do much beyond make a cup of coffee.
— J. Zachary Pike, Death and Taxes: An Urban Fantasy Mystery
All decisions are taken two levels above the highest level of understanding
— David K. Brown, Before the Ironclad: Warship Design and Development, 1815-1860
NEVER COUNT A SACRIFICE AS A COST
—  IT IS THE PRICE YOU MUST PAY!
There are too many questions and not enough painkillers in the world to get through them all.
— S.A. Stovall, Vice City
A cult? Jesus Christ. No wonder Anita is worried about her children. They’re like turkeys—they might drown themselves in the rain if you don’t watch ’em close enough.
— S.A. Stovall, Vice City
Marriages are for the grownup people. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not yet the one!
— Lukhman Pambra
Percival pinched his lips, sending his laugh to his eyes.
— Rachel Hauck, The Writing Desk
Do not open that door until I'm in my room. I may be old and losing my hair, but I still want to look nice for a handsome man.
— Rachel Hauck, The Writing Desk
And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter
— Annette Johnson
I want to tell you something but good tasteRestrains me
— Sappho van Lesbos
I have the whole team just around the block! One call and they'll ride in here like cavalry! Riding on... robots! Giant robots! Well, not giant robots, like in Egan, but... but... big enough robots!
— Dennis Liggio, Burning Monday
Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.
— Barb Best, The Misery Manifesto: A Self-Help Parody for the Self-Absorbed
When you employ HUMOR, you create a friendly, relaxed buying atmosphere.
— Jeffrey Gitomer, Jeffrey Gitomer's 21.5 Unbreakable Laws of Selling: Proven Actions You Must Take to Make Easier, Faster, Bigger Sales.... Now and Forever!
Wealth and intelligence should not be categorized as relatives.
— K.R. Royal
The Cubists are entitled to the serious attention of all who find enjoyment in the colored puzzle pictures of the Sunday newspapers. Of course there is no reason for choosing the cube as a symbol, except that it is probably less fitted than any other mathematical expression for any but the most formal decorative art. There is no reason why people should not call themselves Cubists, or Octagonists, or Parallelopipedonists, or Knights of the Isosceles Triangle, or Brothers of the Cosine, if they so desire; as expressing anything serious and permanent, one term is as fatuous as another.
— Theodore Roosevelt, An Art Exhibition
She turned to Stephanie. "I'm going to the bathroom. You coming?" "Yes, since women have to travel in pairs." Tonya chuckled. Once that were around the corner, Stephanie pounced. "Holy crap! I've never seen you like that before. Not that I ever had the chance, but holy shit, Tonya, you need to jump on this train. I think it's coming for you whether you want it to or not.
— K.D. Williamson
His message perplexed his mind to that degree that he was fain, several times, to take off his hat to scratch his head. Except on the crown, which was raggedly bald, he had stiff, black hair, standing jaggedly all over it, and growing down hill almost to his broad, blunt nose. It was so like Smith's work, so much more like the top of a strongly spiked wall than a head of hair, that the best of players at leap-frog might have declined him, as the most dangerous man in the world to go over.
— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Stella turned to us. "One of us is going to have to swim it. Any volunteers?"Jamie shook his head. "Not it. Sharks, first of all, and second of all, sharks"- The Retribution of Mara Dyer
— Michelle Hodkin
...Rusty followed. “You should probably pull out your gun. Whatever is in there made enough noise to make me believe it wasn’t a bug.” Kirsten’s stride faltered, and she came to a stop at the door. “Okay, I’m gonna come clean right now. I cannot stand rats or mice. Snakes scare me less. So if I get in there and I see a furry vermin, I will scream like a little girl. If you tell anyone you witnessed that, I will ticket you every time you pull out of your driveway. Are we clear?” “Are you sure you don’t want me to go to the store?” Kirsten met Rusty’s gaze. “Are you clear on what I just said?” “Yep.
— Robin Alexander, Rusty Logic
...Bryan pumped his fist. “Stakeout! Will I be in plain clothes?” “Wear whatever you want as long as it’s dark,” Kirsten answered with a smile. “Permission to get snacks for my stakeout, ma’am!” Bryan said loudly as he sprung to attention.
— Robin Alexander, Rusty Logic
...I think I saw something orange pass beneath a streetlight. That means she turned the corner on Pecan Street. Wait right here, and I’ll get my car.” Stella grabbed Mona’s arm. “There’s no time. Follow me and keep your mouth shut.” Instead of going to the street, Stella crept through a yard. “This is crazy, I can’t see a thing. Stella, we could break a leg.” “I told you to be quiet. I know these yards as well as I know my own. Stay behind me.” She led Mona behind a large azalea bush close to the sidewalk. They hid there as Rusty approached, and she was almost on top of them when Mona sneezed. Rusty stopped, put her hands on her hips, and said, “I know you’re in there.” Neither Stella nor Mona made a peep. “I think I understand why you feel the need to watch me. I’m new around here, so let me introduce myself. My name is Rusty Martinez. I’m a businesswoman, and I have no intention of breaking into anyone’s home. I’m simply out for exercise, so you have nothing to worry about.” “Okay, well, you have a nice night,” Mona said cheerily. Rusty recoiled at the response. “Um…you too,” she said quickly and jogged away. Stella groaned. “Your mother obviously didn’t teach you how to properly conduct a mission, did she?” “If you mean how to hide in a bush, then no.
— Robin Alexander, Rusty Logic
...Stella’s tiny butt stuck in the air as she stretched to reach a weed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a button-down pink and white checked shirt that was tucked into the elastic waistband of her pants. She reminded Rusty of an elf. “Excuse me, Stella?” “You stop right there if you have trouble on your mind. As you can see, I have plenty of birds, and I’ll knock you out with one of them,” Stella said without looking up. Rusty wanted to say that she’d yank up her own plastic flamingo and work Stella over with it in a heartbeat. Instead, she took a calming breath and said, “I made something you might like to have.” “If it’s a grenade launcher, I’m listening, Achmed.
— Robin Alexander
Join us B+ people! Life is not neat and tidy, but we always manage to get the job done!
— Tracey Kidder
I've known him since dirt was new, Papaw laughed. We go way back...Dawg Papaw, that's a long time! Mark exclaimed.
— Mary Hubbert Jones
Oh, I usually pray in Spanish, speak French to my boyfriend, curse in Dutch, and talk German to my German Shepherd
— Justin W.M. Roberts, The Policewoman
Don't fight the system, mock the system
— Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood
But in a time of war, knowledge made interesting friendships. Soon, the scholars and the thieves were . . . well, thick as thieves.
— Ken Liu, The Wall of Storms
A teacher asked me once, what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her a clown and she asked me if I was joking
— Ivan Baublitz
I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent,' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.
— Robert Louis Stevenson, A Lodging for the Night
I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.
— Ash Gray, Qorth
The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.
— Craig Alanson, Columbus Day
The interesting part of life is; when you start to be negative about others, it starts negatively with you first.
— Ajith Isaiah Majok
If you dont like my book write your own.
— Rita Mae Brown, Rubyfruit Jungle
As far as he was concerned, there were only two all-important laws on earth:1. Don’t murder people.2. Never swear in front of Lilly.
— Hannah Heath, Skies of Dripping Gold
Aging gracefully - A concept that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...
— Sandhya Jane
This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.
— Kevin Hearne, Hounded
You can’t even stay dead like a reasonable person!” he yelled, overjoyed at the sight of his brother. “What, you didn’t miss me?
— Hayden Wand, Once: Six Historically Inspired Fairytales
Best timepass for idle person is to find another and gossip, without realising that there are superlative degrees of idle, idler, and idlest.
— Sandeep Sahajpal
Aging gracefully - A that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...
— Sandhya Jane
The next day was wonderful...and terrible. So, overall, I guess it was okay.
— The Harvard Lampoon, Nightlight: A Parody
For me to read a good novel without enjoying a cup of coffee or a cup of tea or a nice glass of wine in the process would be like having water without the wet. It's simply impossible.
— Cat Ellington
Y’all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book.
— Trae Crowder, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto: Draggin' Dixie Outta the Dark
Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head.
— Gina Damico, Croak
Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do.
— B.A. Gabrielle
One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis.
— C.M. Bacon
The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.
— Robert Fulghum, Uh-oh - Some Observations From Both Sides Of The Refrigerator Door
I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.
— Emily Kirby, The Silver Codex
When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?
— Kevin Hearne, Hounded
At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.
— Mark Lawrence
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns a lesson he can learn in no other way.
— Mark Twain
A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
I could be a morning person -- but only if morning started at noon!
— Carol Storm, Burning Innocence
The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.
— Matthew Quick, Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock
Why did men have to ruin everything? The answer was simple, she supposed—because foolish women gave them the chance
— Tessa Dare, Any Duchess Will Do
Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
I can look a whole day with delight upon a handsome picture, though it be but of an horse.
— Thomas Browne, Religio Medici
Two things are infinite
—  a woman’s patience and her husband’s mistakes.
The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
Women make the world go round
—  men turn it upside down.
you're entirly bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are
— Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
I know that whenever I feel my world turningupside down, nothing grounds me like a manicure.
— Lauren Kate, Fallen
Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
The Milky Way, which is our galaxy, will collide with its nearest neighbor the Andromeda Galaxy. The two galaxies are heading towards each other at a wickedly high snail’s pace, of about 75 miles per second. This massive crash is expected to occur about 3 to 4 billion years from now.” My suggestion is to keep your head down! Captain Hank Bracker
— Hank Bracker
A shame. As promising as a sky full'a rainbows but as useful as a bag'a dirt.
— Quoleena Sbrocca, Rayne: OuterSphere
Writing isn't a choice. It's a calling. So answer the damn phone already!
— T.N. Suarez
Always look outside of the box, unless there is something exceedingly dangerous outside of the box in which case it might be wiser to stay inside.
— Holly Wujcik
People are lot like peanuts...It's not what's on the outside that matters, and that damn shell just gets shucked into the trash anyhow.
— Alan VanMeter
There is never a bad joke, it's adressing to a wrong audience that makes it look bad!
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.
— Mitty Walters
After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker.
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it.
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies.
— J.C. Patrick, The Reinvention of Janey
When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.
— Julie Powell, Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen: How One Girl Risked Her Marriage, Her Job, and Her Sanity to Master the Art of Living
Since the Devil is in the details...I don't think I'll elaborate.
— Alan VanMeter
I had a maternal instinct once, it lasted 48 hours
— Sharon Law Tucker, How to Be a BadAss - A Survival Guide for Women
C'mon. We can turn it into a fun game - What's Scarier, The Basement Or The Attic?
— Darcy Coates, The Haunting of Blackwood House
We know already ample experience that it does not require much cleverness or much learning to be a governor, for there are a hundred round about us that scarcely know how to read.
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote
She looked out and saw a tall and comely woman beckoning to her. Susannah's first look at Mia in the flesh astounded her, because the chap's mother was *white.* Apparently Odetta-that-was now had a Caucasian side to her personality and how that must frost Detta Walker's racially sensitive butt!
— Stephen King, Song of Susannah
You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus "Gus" McCrae
— Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove
I’ve been focusing on my career. I’ve had no time. That’s why I wanted to go out this weekend. I’ve been storing that shit up like a sexual camel. At this point I’d probably just walk into the bar, blow my load all over the room like a fire hose, and walk out.
— Darien Cox, Safe in Your Fire
When first human found life was a virgin then people made it a bitch
— Mohammed Sekouty
I hope you won't mind, my dear, if we take it," said Thunder Karlsson. "Oh, not at all," said Pippi. "Of course not." And with that, Blom went over and took out the suitcase. "I hope you won't mind, my dear, if I take it back," said Pippi, as she climbed out of bed and went over to Blom.
— Astrid Lindgren
And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke.'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked.I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.''We're just told to ask like,' he said.'When I want fries, generally I say something like, "I would like some fries, too, please." That's the system I use.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated.'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day.I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.
— Bill Bryson, The Road to Little Dribbling: Adventures of an American in Britain
Are you sure you have enough sweetener in that? I could offer to conscript the rest of the cubes from the galley for you.
— K.L. Tharp, For A Brother's Honor
A right way, a wrong way, and a GREENWAY.
— Greenway Heirs
I don’t really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.
— Echo Shea, A Tinfoil Hat of My Own: A Tale of Friendship, Bikers, and Werewolves
Breath, Love, & Lust This is what we live for
— Dotapoker
Look here, my boy, if you have average intelligence, about half the things you do are bound to be right, which is a fair achievement for any career. Don't spend sleepless nights over them.
— R.P. Noronha, A Tale Told By An Idiot
Noronha's Laws1. No man works harder than he must.2. The joy of living, lies in making little things big.3. Try never to do what you do not want to do. The secret of a happy old age is in never doing what you do not want to do.
— R.P. Noronha
Love yourself’ the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist.
— Kevin Focke
What level of personal are we talking about?" she mumbled. "I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.
— Darcy Coates, The Haunting of Blackwood House
... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix.
— J.P. Donleavy
Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way.
— Rod Longuestte
When it's all been said and done...There's hell of a lot more said, than done.
— Alan VanMeter
When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it.
— Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.”If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.
— Danielle L. Jensen, Stolen Songbird
Shut your gob, You tell me nothing in my kennel. Here, I am Queen Bitch, and you will muzzle yourself. Kebibi Ahuda to prisoner
— Tamora Pierce (Author)
I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.
— Fakeer Ishavardas
It was the time of year that makes every poet’s heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.
— Portia Porter, Can You Stiff Your Divorce Lawyer
Remember, finding a publisher is a lot like a date. You can submit willfully and keep getting rejected, but in the end, you can always self-publish yourself.
— Scott Schafer
He is the biggest asshole on the planet,” Jarod says. “And in a planet that’s currently drowning in assholes, that’s saying a lot.
— Siobhan Davis, Saven Disclosure
All art requires is courage and the commitment to eat lots of biscuits. D Ellis / 2016
— David Ellis
I remember the teacher telling us that Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, alongside Russia. “The Soviet Union is the largest and most glorious empire that the world has ever seen,” the teacher lectured. “We’re all proud comrades. We’re all like brothers. We’re so lucky to be part of the greatest nation that has ever existed. We love our country and our country loves us like a mother loves her children.
— Carlito Sofer, Nik Krasno
Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries. Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler. Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder. Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter.
— Carlito Sofer, Nik Krasno
I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.
— Ann Benjamin, Life After Joe
I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.
— Stewart Lee Beck
My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.
— Stewart Lee Beck
Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?
— Stewart Lee Beck
We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.
— Fakeer Ishavardas
I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.
— Fakeer Ishavardas
Sometimes being successful means pissing people off
— Philip Loyd
One of my favorite quotes is:"... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.
— Shannon Stacey, Undeniably Yours
Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living
— Nitin Yaduvanshi, Absolute Love Letter
If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.
— Randi Lawson
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.
— Bruce Feirstein
Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.
— Sarina Adeline, The Devil in Amen's Corner
Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.
— Anna   Moore, Edith and the Owls
Smile while you still have teeth.
— Carol Wyer
Cats, of course, are easier to make fun of. The cutest cat is still a freak. Where dogs are sympathetic, almost tragic, figures, cats are pure comedy. Dogs are your buddies, cats are entertainment They're like a TV show. There's nothing funnier than when a cat falls off of something. When a dog falls down a couple of stairs, you rush to it and console it. But when a cat does it, it's funny—you point at it and laugh (which they don't like, incidentally).
— Darby Conley, Groovitude: A Get Fuzzy Treasury
Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.
— Jordan Stratford, The Case of the Missing Moonstone
Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You’re a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You’re twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you’d have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth
— Isaac Babel
Everyone loves to slander everyone, and indulge in it willingly at anytime and anywhere.
— Ankita Kapoor
In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.
— Kresley Cole, Lothaire
Who do I think would appreciate my book?I’m surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud?
— Dan Alatorre
I wasn’t a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers.
— Dan Alatorre
The oddly shaped man had introduced himself as a Mr. Abernathy, a wealthy friend of the family. "I'm a wealthy friend of the family," he had said. "Very rich. Friendly.
— Jordan Stratford, The Case of the Missing Moonstone
But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.
— Shannon Hale, The Princess in Black
I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.
— Emma Beasley
No! I had too many variables! Two of those variables were actually the same variable, so I revised the equation and then it all made perfect sense!" Ada was truly excited. "You seem truly excited, Lady Ada," said Anna cautiously.
— Jordan Stratford, The Case of the Missing Moonstone
The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster.
— Dimitris Mita
Byron said once of the sea: ‘The monsters of the deep are made; each zone obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone,’ yet Sebastian called it, ‘A place where nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricassee’. Each to their own.
— Nick John Whittle
Arms wrapped around [Darcy's] abdomen from the back. Fingers felt for the spot above his navel. Two fists pushed in and upward. Darcy felt a violent squeezing sensation. The offending prawn shot out of his gullet, flew across the table, and knocked Tate's wine glass over...Tate looked down at the partially chewed shrimp in disgust and covered it with his napkin.
— Donna Warner & Gloria Ferris
I have two moods:1. Sleep is for the weak.2. Sleeping for a week.
— Dinesh
Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons.
— Heather Blanton, A Lady in Defiance
At this point I came across one of the vending machines that only Japan has. I have to admit that I love the whimsical items sold in such appliances, like all sorts of junk food, beer cans, whisky bottles and even underwear. This particular machine sold both whisky and underwear, which truly is a bizarre combination, or maybe not, considering all the underwear were female panties. It was therefore my theory that older men would come by and buy the whisky, and then when they were drunk and young women passed by, the men would then offer them panties as gifts for sexual favours. Ya, it all made perfect sense to me.
— Andrew James Pritchard, Sukiyaki
It's funny how often we celebrate by poisoning ourselves
— Johnny Moscato
Some people are born without souls and will never evolve.
— Jay S. Coreman, Ted's Toolshed
You know?” he asked.“Yes. I know what I am.”“You – you do?”“I’m a time traveler.
— Darynda Jones, The Dirt on Ninth Grave
What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts.
— Todd Strasser
His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood.
— Lida Sideris, Murder and Other Unnatural Disasters
I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.
— Lida Sideris, Murder and Other Unnatural Disasters
You have heard about the reindeer that pull old Santa's sled. But mostly I hate Rudolph and wish that he were dead. With his nose of red which we all know just can't be true. I wish someone would just kill him, that someone could be you. He is Santa's favorite and to the front he can be found. Instead of his red nose, "I" think it should be brown. He believes that Santa likes him and thinks that he's a winner. But Santa Claus has other plans he wants Rudolph for his dinner. Old Saint Nick is greedy this I know without a doubt. What else do you think happens to all the great toys we go without?He takes them and he breaks them be cause he doesn't care a bit. To me it doesn't matter, Why, he can keep his "Schict".Yes' it's true that I hate Santa too, dressed in his suit of silk. That's why this year with the homemade cookies,  I'm going to leave some poison milk.
— Mark W. Boyer
I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,
— Nicholas    Murray, Element Punk, Vol. 1: Enter: Katashi Hiromasa
He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.
— Lida Sideris, Murder and Other Unnatural Disasters
If you don't think you have enough problems, you should acquire a mammal in Sweden just hours before you're about to fly home to the other side of the world, and then insist that the animal must come along in your luggage.
— Jonas Jonasson, The Girl Who Saved the King of Sweden
A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."T.K. Lukas
— T.K. Lukas
I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.
— Margaret Lazarus Dean, Leaving Orbit: Notes from the Last Days of American Spaceflight
Finish is a laundry powder. I feel guilty when I finish a book.
— Jeremy   Lee, How to Draw Portraits
You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone.
— Jeremy   Lee, How to Draw Portraits
I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.
— Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy
Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!
— Melissa F. Olson, Boundary Crossed
The evidence suggests that you would be more likely to select the tempting chocolate cake when your mind is loaded with digits. System 1 has more influence on behavoir when System 2 is busy, and it has a sweet tooth.
— Kahneman Daniel
You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.
— Ghana
Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.
— Evelynn Crowe
Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.
— Christopher Shevlin, The Perpetual Astonishment of Jonathon Fairfax
Just because someone’s a pain in the ass in life, doesn’t mean when they’re dead, we shouldn’t be respectful.
— M. Judeth Nelson, Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed?
Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?
— Christy Pastore, Unscripted
I don't care what your daddy told you. I don't care what your grandaddy told you. The South lost. Get over it man! -January, 2003; Opening lecture to Intro to Civil War Era Studies, Gettysburg College
— Mark A. Weitz
She was called a cook, but there was no real evidence she had even a small amount of ability to do this. Every meal, no matter how much you thought you liked it before, would be ruined forever after having one of Margery’s slop versions of it. Burger and Chips or Lasagne, as Mike liked, were gruesomely murdered by the time Margery had used the ingredients (and added some special ones of her own!) to deliver a pile of gruel. It did not matter what the menu said; when served, it was always green, even if none of the ingredients were actually green!“Nexxxttt! Hey, you, I said NEXXTT!!!” she shouted at the violet boy who had hesitated to wonder if life was really worth this. “What’s your name, boy? Speak up now and tell me which class you are in?” This was a usual evil method Margery used so children had to give up holding their breath and smell the putrid stench of her sweaty BO mixed with the green muck she scooped from a giant vat beside her. The poor boy nearly passed out when it hit him, but, fortunately, his friend helped him stay up. He quickly grabbed his tray and sloshed his green slush all over as he ran for freedom. NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTT!!!
— L.P. Donnelli, Back on Track
They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.
— Brian L. Tucker
Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn’t for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.
— Jeffrey H Ryan, Appalachian Odyssey: A 28-Year Hike on America's Trail
I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.
— Krystyna Faroe
My mom said:‘Don’t put your finger in your brother’s ear! If you want to know how that quarter trick is done, go ask the magician.’ So I tugged on The Great Arturo's pant leg until he finally taught me how. That was my first magic trick! I was five years old.
— Autumn Morning Star
The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries" ~Declan~
— Ilsa Madden-Mills, Dirty English
I would like a cappuccino," says Linus politely. "Thank you.""Your name?""I'll spell it for you," he says. "Z-W-P-A-E-N--""What?" She stares at him, Sharpie in hand."Wait, I haven't finished. Double F-hyphen-T-J-U-S. It's an unusual name, Linus adds gravely. "It's Dutch.
— Sophie Kinsella, Finding Audrey
Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?"I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.
— Robin Benway, Emmy & Oliver
I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.
— Tera Lynn Childs, Powerless
Deep down, he's shallow.
— Peter De Vries
Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch.”“I’ll be thrilled when someone harpoons him,” Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.
— Lisa Kleypas, Secrets of a Summer Night
The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks.
— J.S. Davey
...the kind of love that picks you up in Akron and sets you down in Rio...
— Tom McNeal
Stupidity has a knack for getting its way.
— Albert Camus
He was a self-righteous know-it-all who had the breath of a dung beetle, a gray ponytail he barely pulled together from the bozo ring of hair clinging to his balding, freckled dome, and loved to drink, of all things, tea. Usually it was some sickly sweet-smelling herbal crap that was made in the hippie wasteland of Boulder, Colorado. The box was festooned with the image of a happy, dancing bear in a field of multicolored flowers and the tea had some idiotic name like Tai Chai. After work one evening, I snatched the box of tea bags from the break room and changed the recipe. I wasn't really worried that any other employees would use one of the tea bags because NO ONE DRINKS FUCKING TEA AT WORK, especially not the totally useless, noncaffeinated fairy tears reserved for old maids to sip while they watch Murder, She Wrote in bed with their legion of cats.
— Shane Kuhn, Hostile Takeover
I am an existential libertarian humanist cocksucker. Now, what else do you want to know?
— Remesh R., Diary of a Stranger
The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.
— J.S. Davey
You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He's already been told twice."Darryl the cop
— Movie Be Cool
They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.
— Mozaiah Thompson
For the record, and those readers oblivious to metaphor, I would have avoided the subject entirely if my wife did not assure me I was of average size, an opinion as comforting as it is troublesome, because I know how much research she's done first hand. From the chapter, "Small Penis Rule".
— Ira Wood
It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob.
— Amy Lane, The Winter Courtship Rituals of Fur-Bearing Critters
To all the ladies:" I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)
— Jayesh Varma
They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume," Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey?
— Michael          Murphy, Little Squirrels Can Climb Tall Trees
O.M.G. Lucca, what are you feeding her? Everyday I look at you, and I swear those twinnes must double in size. Look at your bump in this dress, how are you managing to cart that around? Rather you than me chubby." ~Hazel
— S.J. Molloy, Luminoso
Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~
— Lucian Bane, Desecrating Solomon
How did you know they were there?" Glory asked. "Oh wait, I forgot, NightWings are all-knowing, all-seeing and all-brilliant, right?"  "Don't forget al-wonderful and all-brilliant.
— Tui T. Sutherland, The Hidden Kingdom
I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬
— Darynda Jones, Brighter Than the Sun
How is that weird?” Dark the First asked incredulously. “Literally everyone does it. Literally.” “I really wish you’d stop saying literally,” Dark the Second said. “I literally don’t think you understand what that word means.
— T.J. Klune, The Lightning-Struck Heart
My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass.""You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason.""Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life.
— Christina Lauren, Dirty Rowdy Thing
Do people call you Ollie?” Lola asked.Oliver looked at her, completely dumbfounded by the possibility of this nickname. She may as well have asked him if people call him Garth, or Andrew, or Timothy.“No,” he said flatly, and the only thing charming about him was the way his accent seemed to run through every vowel with one syllable. Lola’s eyebrow twitched in her single tell—mildly annoyed—and she lifted her flashing LED drink cup to her lips.Lola wears mostly black, including her glossy dark hair, and has a tiny diamond pierced into her lip, but, even still, she’s never been able to pull off the full physical manifestation of the angry Riot Grrrl. With her perfect porcelain skin and the longest eyelashes in the world, she’s simply too delicate. But once she decides you’re an asshole, it no longer matters to her what you think. She gives good glare.“The flower suits you,” she said, tilting her head to study him. “And you have pretty hands, kind of soft. Maybe we should call you Olive.”He grunted out a dry laugh.“And a really beautiful mouth,” I added. “Gentle. Like a woman’s.”“Aw fuck off.” He was laughing outright by then.
— Christina Lauren, Dirty Rowdy Thing
Michael Palin : "I am sorry to interrupt you there Dennis, but he's crossed it out. Thomas Hardy here on the first day of his new novel has crossed out the only word he has written so far and he is gazing off into space. Ohh! Oh dear he's signed his name again."Graham Chapman: "It looks like Tess of the D'Urbervilles all over again."- Matching Tie and Handkerchief, "Novel Writing
— Graham Chapman
What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.
— Robert Kroese, Starship Grifters
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
— Peter De Vries
What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!
— Ana Claudia Antunes
Seeing someone reading a book you love is seeing a book recommending a person
— coolstoryreddit
-Cheap? I could have bought a whole pig with that coin jester. -Exactly my Lord. And while some may eat a mule, no one can ride a pig.
— Angelo Tsanatelis, Scarred
Feeling old? Remember, you will never again be as young as your are today.
— Raymond C. Nolan
My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want?
— E.M. Cooper, St Griswold College for Abandoned Boys
You act like the sorcerers are invading the continent for the sole joy of hunting me down and lobbing me off of tall objects.
— V. St. Clair, Forest of Illusions
Down, boy! Couchant! I said couchant! No! Not rampant!
— Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
I don't know what it is, but even when I pretty much like a man, after I date him a while, he gets to seem kind of tiresome. I just can't be bothered to act interested anymore, and then I finally tell him I don't want to go out anymore. They always get upset. - Lillian
— Charlaine Harris
If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.
— Edward Harris
I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on--and that's only because I lack the equipment.
— Marla Buchanan
Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me.
— Marla Buchanan
My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.
— David B. Lentz, Bloomsday: The Bostoniad
There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.
— Jane Tara, The Happy Endings Book Club
I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.
— Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading 2
You do remember how dangerous I am with those?” “Aye, that’s the point. Everyone will duck and cover if they see you wielding these.” “Even my teammates?”“Especially your teammates.
— Melissa A. Craven, The Awakening
if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.
— James Dashner, The Death Cure
God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them.
— Raj  Singh, Anna Hazare "Adhoori Jeet Ke Nayak"
Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.
— Karen Salmansohn
You can't fall in love with someone in a day.""Romeo and Juliet did," Melanie says, tugging me toward the exit."Yeah, and then they killed themselves a few hours later. Thanks for the pep talk, Mel.
— Chie Alemán, UnConventional
When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.
— Mark W. Boyer
Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.
— Karen Salmansohn
And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.
— Melissa A. Craven, The Awakening
I am currently preoccupied with chocolate.
— Melissa A. Craven, The Awakening
Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule.
— P.M. Terrell