c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
And he had been very badly treated by a girl too. He had thought her a really civilised and adult personality, and then she had unexpectedly revealed that she was a mass of bourgeois prejudices and monogamic instincts.
— C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce
The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There's meaning in thy snores.
— William Shakespeare, The Tempest
Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Who are you after?”“The snarky asshole one.”“Could you be a little more specific.”“The one who has a staff and throws their toys out of the pram that one.”“Ooh.”“Yeah.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, PUTSCH. Volume I
Yeah no shit, try asking random people about a bird owned by someone you don't know!” Javal countered “Well still you got it!” Javal acknowledged this with a small grin “Now what?” Javal asked Ingra scratched his head “Yeah...Well Dilmore suggested the idea....Not me.
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, PUTSCH. Volume I
Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The innocent little girl said at the end of her prayer "Jesus, please take care of yourself because if anything happens to you, we are all in trouble
— Kingsley Opuwari Manuel
Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There is nothing harder to explain than humor.
— Milan Kundera, Testaments Betrayed: An Essay in Nine Parts
What does "poet laureate" mean? Nothing. It means a person with laurel branches twined around his head. Which is not something people do much now.
— Nicholson Baker
Humor: the divine flash that reveals the world in its moral ambiguity and man in his profound incompetence to judge others; humor: the intoxicating relativity of human things; the strange pleasure that conies of the certainty that there is no certainty.But humor, to recall Octavio Paz, is "the great invention of the modern spirit." It has not been with us forever, and it won't be with us forever either.With a heavy heart, I imagine the day when Panurge no longer makes people laugh.
— Milan Kundera, Testaments Betrayed: An Essay in Nine Parts
Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Do what is right. Not what you like.
— Omoruyi Uwuigiaren, The City Heroes and Other Stories from the Heart of Africa
Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.
— S.K. Tremayne
If Porter crawled into bed with me, I wouldn’t flee the scene right away. I probably wouldn’t even kick him out. I might kick him in the gonads and then rub my cheek against his chest because that’s the kind of girl I am. Beat them and then treat them.
— Meghan Quinn, The Mother Road
Funny how you never hear novelists or painters say they work in the 'creative industries', but only squalid little advertising people. How could this be? (.....)If you listen to advertisers, you'd think they're the fucking Oracle and that for a fee they'll slip you the Answer. They are obsessed with being seen as 'creative', but what they do seems rather to be 'parasitical' : pinching cultural innovations and using them to persuade people that they want stuff. So there's a dilemma for us all to think 'creatively' about.
— Steve Lowe, The Best Of Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?
She looked utterly betrayed, as betrayed as the most betrayed person in Shakespeare.
— Miranda July, The First Bad Man
If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Just follow my lead,’ I said. ‘It’ll be fun.’‘Please,’ Sam begged, ‘don’t let those words be carved on my tombstone.
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer
Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
— Spike Milligan, Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall
Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, “Does anybody know a good tailor?”, or “Gentlemen – I think there’s a thief in the battery.” He was the bane of the Regiment.
— Spike Milligan, Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall
Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The answer to the question ‘How many children do you have?’ and the one to the question ‘How many children are you raising?’ are not identical in all cases: some men are not taking care of their own children, some are knowingly or unknowingly raising other men’s children, and some do not even know that they each have a child, another child, or other children.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
— Spike Milligan, Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall
More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Julesa: "Are you a fool? Father will have you hung if he realises you've escaped."Never: "Everyone dies from something.
— Ashley Capes, Never: Prequel to The Amber Isle
Reacher prowled the hallway, his gun stiff-armed way out in front of him, his torso jerking violently left and right from the hips, like a crazy disco dance. The house-storming shuffle.
— Lee Child, A Wanted Man
Good God! I'm out of tobacco.
— Eugenio Prados, The long funeral of Mr. White
Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I do prefer being alive. Most days.
— Ashley Capes, The Amber Isle
One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
— Steven Wright
Oh, is that my report, father?' said Mike, with a sort of sickly interest, much as a dog about to be washed might evince in his 
— P.G. Wodehouse
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
— Charles H. Duell (1899)
Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.
— Ana Claudia Antunes, ACross Tic
Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.
— Carl R White
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With my knives.
— Sarah J. Maas, Throne of Glass
Dont act like you are walking around with a Tshirt that says "I give Up!" on the front and on the back saying "I never started trying!"People can bring you down, situations happen, YOU can feel like Life is the shittiest thing to deal with. BLAH BLAH BLAH..If you're walking through Hell, keep going! Everyday there's a new challenge. Face it! Deal with it! Move on! To every problem there is a solution or a way around it.. Stop being a sour mongral and think life owes you something..No one will do anything for you these days. Start fighting. Get rid of ALL the shit people in your Life. Grow some balls of steel and work progressively through everything. Step by Step or what ever mad method you have to get you back in line again.Who cares, if people don't like you, BURN that mother of a bridge down. It was never meant to be.. Build New ones! Many roads to cross and new paths on life to Explore..It starts with YOU.. And if people want to judge you, tell them to F/O and look in the mirror. Time for a new game.. It's called "Take over the World" WHOOOP WHOOOP!!
— Timothy Padayachee
O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you redden your cheeks and blacken your eyes?Why do you remove the hair on your legsand draw them into your brows?Why do you hold your breathlest your stomach showand hold your fartlest they knowthat you’re a human? O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you straighten your hairto curl it nextand pretend to orgasm so they think you enjoyed the sex?Why do you dumb yourself downand push your breasts up?Why do you smile when you’re told toand love when you don’t want to?When? When will you stop, woman? Father says natural is beautifulbut that is doubtfulfor what does father knowhe’s only a fellow.
— Kamand Kojouri
In the still of the night, when you are serenely falling asleep and an epiphany suddenly hits you. Roll your ass off that bed and start typing because that fleeting moment will never pass by you again...You can sleep when your dead!!!
— Racheal Lachman
We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If you don’t like your appearance, then change it, but don’t keep doing nothing and then complaining about it, because it’s bo
— Sharon Kendrick, The Housekeeper's Awakening
Old Enochian running on neural wetware is not the fastest procedural language ever invented, and it’s semantics make AppleScript look like a thing of elegance and beauty
— Charles Stross, The Nightmare Stacks
The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.
— Bill Bryson, The Road to Little Dribbling: Adventures of an American in Britain
While the Saint, when it was necessary to play the part, could assume an aspect of proud or unprincipled poverty that would evoke a responsive twang from any normal heartstring, his usual appearance, fortunately or unfortunately, suggested a person who was so far on the other side of having been born with a silver spoon in his mouth that he must have been seriously shocked when he first learned that gold spoons were not standard issue.
— Leslie Charteris, Trust the Saint
She didn't tear him a whole new one for having fucked up the scene by walking all over it so much as she pointed out where, exactly, the new one would be torn if he messed it up again.
— Michael G.  Williams, Tooth & Nail
To me she said, "It's this stupid gotcha thing, they've been doing it for weeks now. Leaping out at each other and us, scaring the hell out of everyone.""It's a game of wits," Bert said to me."Half-wits," Kristy added.
— Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
So no get out of jail free card huh?” Ingra doesn't say a word I hear groaning behind me it's Tria she slowly gets up “How did we get here?!” Tria tries to keep her voice calm
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, JACQUERIE. Volume II
Canada is the place where maple syrup is its own food group.
— Jenny McWha
No one needs Independence. We all just need tea and air conditioners.
— Michelle Franklin
Oh Lass, I’m not going full out R rated for Alex, trust me,” he emphasized and rolled his eyes. “No, no. I’m doing this for you, so you feel luscious, and if it should jolt Raf out of his comfort zone, bonus!
— Melanie  Bennett, Only For Makayla
When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: “I wish no gifts, only presence.
— Unknown
Ingra just kept a straight face he hoped Vilenthe was joking. “Anyway.” Ingra tried to bring the topic full circle
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, JACQUERIE. Volume II
I was distracted, thinking about what she'd said, until she got to this last part. "Sherman?" I said.She nodded. "That's John and Craig's friend. He's visiting from Shreveport.""Sherman from Shreveport?" I said. "This is the guy you're determined I go out 
— Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting 'All the Gods are bastards.
— Terry Pratchett
The harder I work, the luckier I become.
— Terry Pratchett
There have been times on this trip I’ve been convinced that GPS was wrong.
— Chris Robb, Voyages with Kipper: and other Sailing Reminiscences
There is no more thrilling sensation I know of than sailing. It comes as near to flying as man has got to yet - except in dreams.
— Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat
Five hundred years ago the notoriously savvy Henry VIII discovered an elegant way to solve both his theological problems and his personal liquidity crisis —he dissolved the monasteries and nicked all their land.
— Ben Aaronovitch
Basically what Ingra is saying is trust him he knows what to do despite us probably dying soon.” Tria chimed in “Right...” Pantiel replied
— Charon Lloyd-Roberts, JACQUERIE. Volume II
Some women wear a miniskirt to reveal their thighs
—  some wear one to conceal their age.
The English summer is never far away
—  it's just above the clouds.
Most people do not mind dying, as long as that does not happen today.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Immediately after a divorce or a breakup, your mind whispers that there are plenty more fish in the sea, while your heart shouts that there is only one whoever-you-just-divorced-or-broke-up-with.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.
— Mary Roach, Grunt: The Curious Science of Humans at War
Making God a man is the consolation prize that our forefathers gave themselves for not being the ones who were each blessed with a vagina.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I'm a fucking starship
—  I'm allowed to cheat.
Some of the people we feel sorry for feel sorry for us for thinking that they are the ones who should be felt sorry for.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Roger was like the Edgar Allen Poe of stupid people. He'd been making movies about women who were dead or dying, who didn't have much to say, for as long as his stringy hair had been ponytailed into a cliché.
— Alison Umminger, American Girls
Sometimes when a father has an ugly, loutish son, the love he bears him so blindfolds his eyes that he does not see his defects, or, rather, takes them for gifts and charms of mind and body, and talks of them to his friends as wit and grace. I, however—for though I pass for the father, I am but the stepfather to "Don Quixote"—have no desire to go with the current of custom, or to implore thee, dearest reader, almost with tears in my eyes, as others do, to pardon or excuse the defects thou wilt perceive in this child of mine. Thou art neither its kinsman nor its friend, thy soul is thine own and thy will as free as any man's, whate'er he be, thou art in thine own house and master of it as much as the king of his taxes and thou knowest the common saying, "Under my cloak I kill the king;" all which exempts and frees thee from every consideration and obligation, and thou canst say what thou wilt of the story without fear of being abused for any ill or rewarded for any good thou mayest say of it.
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote
Instead of being regarded as intelligent or knowledgeable, many a woman would rather be regarded as beautiful or good in the kitchen; many a man, as handsome or good in bed.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What did I hope to gain from my game and from putting my parents through all this? The truth is that I loved to play. My body was fit and my mind raring to go. But I also hoped that I would get a government job through the sports quota.
— M.C. Mary Kom
To take away a man’s sanity, answer all his prayers and solve all his problems. Or give him everything and everyone he wants.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is as difficult for most poor people to truly believe that they could someday escape poverty as it is for most wealthy people to truly believe that their wealth could someday escape them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If there were something that Mother Nature or God could do with money, She or He would have sold immortality to the rich a long time ago.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Back in the day, it was either both a mother and her daughter had pubic hair, or the daughter didn’t. Today, in many a case, the mother is the one who doesn’t.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is in the best interest of the rich to preserve poverty.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people will each start investing more of their salary on ‘their’ house and spending less of it on ‘their’ car or cars only when they start being able to take ‘their’ house to work, funerals, weddings, etc.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Ascott scrambled for his dive knife, he and waved the four- inch blade between himself and the octopus. The floating sack of tentacles hesitated and then all eight of its arms snapped forward. Curled in the tip of each was a variety of sharpened implements, from swords and dive knives to a fishing spear. The large unblinking eyes seemed to be saying, Your move.
— Paul Mannering, Pisces of Fate
It was an interesting night. I’d never been to a non-Jewish wedding, and Phelan assured me that this one was not the norm. The bride and groom got pissed as newts—he ended up passed out, sprawled face down in his own vomit, while she did the cancan on the bridal table, flashing something old, which apparently was nothing new.
— Paula Houseman, Odyssey In A Teacup
O Great Swami of the East, your wisdom has pierced the miasma.
— Jonathan Kellerman, Deception
The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved.
— Neil Gaiman, Trigger Warning: Short Fictions and Disturbances
Back when I was a devout Pharisee, I scowled at those who talked about grace, assuming they wanted both salvation and permission to do whatever they pleased. And when I came to discover grace as a biblical concept, it frightened me at first. The old idea of being saved by works has its benefits. It's a system where God owes you. You've been helping him out with all your good deeds. He can't very well put you through difficulty, since you're a taxpayer. You've paid your dues, you have your rights. But the beyond-belief teaching of grace is that we get what we can never pay for and more, including joy and hope and the desire to please him. I like living by God's grace a lot better than relying on my own efforts.
— Phil Callaway
Teaching a man how to clean barnacles from a keel is an amazing useful talent, one any child should be fortunate to learn. Magochiro is our champion barnaclebully at present. String him under a keel, and he will bring back dinner enough for ten.
— Michelle Franklin
You—“ Mr Bellstrode began, and then leaning forward and sinking his voice, “You would kill for money?”“Is there any other reason to? Well, I suppose there is revenge, but that, you know, never makes one feel as well as it should when it is all said and done. Money is a much better reward than retribution. Something substantial by way of compensation for emotional wrongs is much the best cure for an injured spirit. I do provide fatal retaliation for nothing when it is deserved, but as you are neither a poor helpless wretch nor the victim of national injustice, full payment is expected.
— Michelle Franklin
Good isn't obsessed to win ButBad is destined to lose
— Hemdiva Dev
There was a steady throng of people in the market square now and a distinct buzz in the air with the sound of excited chatter alongside the clamour of heels on cobbles and the raised voices of the stallholders advertising their wares. Upon entering we bumped straight into Josie."All on your own?" Angela asked her."I've left Sooz looking round the antiques shops," Josie said, "I went in the first one with her but that was enough for me. I'm not into knick-knacks like she is. I much prefer a good book.""Something classical," I suggested."Oh yes, definitely," Josie replied, "I love the classics. I did have a look at the ones on sale in the shop.""But nothing took your fancy?""Not really. I was fingering 'Howard's End' for a while.""I bet that brought the colour back to his cheeks," I told her, "We'll see you at the coach later on."I grabbed Angela's arm and we walked off before Josie could ask what I meant.
— Stuart Bone, Driven to Distraction
I'm a post-menopausal woman who's lived in a man's world for twenty years. A more cynical, cruel creature it's hard to find.
— Mo Hayder, Hanging Hill
I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
My mum always said you get more fun at a Glasgow stabbing than an Edinburgh wedding.
— Caro Ramsay, Absolution
Drelmere and sons, fine outfitters for the discerning magician!” he was shouting, his voice barely carrying over the hubbub. “Robes! Pointy hats! Beard grooming supplies! Yes, you sir, how can OH GOD HURRAAARRGLAB.”I waited patiently for him to finish decorating the pavement with his stomach contents. “Sorry,” he said, bent double and gulping. Impressively, he immediately continued his sales pitch from that position. “Looking for a new robe?”“Yes, this one’s starting to whiff a bit.”“Yes, I . . . gathered that, sir.” He took a few deep, groaning breaths into a star-patterned hanky and seemed to gather himself.“What sort of price range were you OH GOD YOUR EYES HURRAAARRGLAB.”I tapped my now bile-sodden foot. “Shall I come back later?
— Yahtzee Croshaw
There is so much ignorant prejudice against bees in a dining-room.
— Patrick O'Brian, Post Captain
No. I just like dabbing girls' faces with napkins. It's a fetish of mine. Don't worry - my shrink says it's harmless.
— Zoe Sugg, Girl Online
You are a mousetrap of a friend, all soft cheese and hard springs
— Chris Cleave, Everyone Brave is Forgiven
Miss Climpson," said Lord Peter, "is a manifestation of the wasteful way in which this country is run. Look at electricity, Look at water-power. Look at the tides. Look at the sun. Millions of power units being given off into space every minute. Thousands of old maids, simply bursting with useful energy, forced by our stupid social system into hydros and hotels and communities and hostels and posts as companions, where their magnificent gossip-powers and units of inquisitiveness are allowed to dissipate themselves or even become harmful to the community, while the ratepayers' money is spent on getting work for which these women are providentially fitted, inefficiently carried out by ill-equipped policemen like you.
— Dorothy L. Sayers, Unnatural Death
What can I say? I'm Irish, I love a good potato.
— Sophia Tallon
I have a bad habit of wolfing down things that catch my eye.
— Katze Snow
It's not my fault, that I'm flat chested and a midget!
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
Child, if such folks awe you, then picture them on the lavatory, straining, constipated. They will at once seem small, pathetic, manageable." And she whispered to me a great, universal truth: "THE BOWELS ARE GREAT LEVELLERS.
— Angela Carter
State your HURRAAARRGLAB,” went the monarch.“Mr. Wonderful,” said the advisor, daintily wiping the king’s mouth with a hanky. “What do we keep telling you about your interrogation methods? The information’s never reliable and it really hurts our image.”“It’s all right,” I sighed. “This is my actual face.
— Yahtzee Croshaw, Mogworld
I don't talk ill about people I don't know," said Bartleby. "I only disparage them in silence and hope they die.
— Michelle Franklin
Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.
— Voltaire, Candide
Well! marriage is like death, it comes to all.
— Robert Louis Stevenson, The Black Arrow
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
— Jack Handy
I truly believed that a man should not be seen to be out front on feminism. That would be just like a man to try to take over the women's movement. We'd taken over everything else in history, in society, in the world, why not feminism, too? No, I don't think so.
— Terry Fallis, Poles Apart
Number 1 is perhaps not the ideal. It is there for the one behind, the number 2. Mr 2 would learn a whole lot more being who he is than ever being Mr 1. Perhaps there is more to the phrase ‪#‎OddOneOut‬.
— Nikhil Sharda, Sans Destination
Mom Voice - A mother's vocal range when even the neighbours will clean their rooms and eat their veggies.
— Olive Hunter, The Motherhood Dictionary: The ultimate tool for your parenting success. Note: Will also be successful if not used.
Spike: Bloody hell, woman, you're cutting off my circulation!Buffy: You don't have any circulation.Spike: Well, it pinches
— Joss Whedon
Sit Down - What to do if a parent wants to get their child's attention.
— Olive Hunter, The Motherhood Dictionary: The ultimate tool for your parenting success. Note: Will also be successful if not used.
Love is like chickenpox. It's much worse when it comes late.
— Neel Burton
I leave the outdoors to you. It is too warm out there to read comfortable, and summer, like many uncomfortable things, is as welcome as a dim woman. It is tolerable to look at, but after being made to interact with it, nobody wants anything to do with it.
— Michelle Franklin
After Rep. Martin Sweeney of Ohio delivered a scathing attack on the Roosevelt administration for allegedly using conscription as a way to get the United States into the war, Rep. Beverly Vincent of Kentucky, who was next to Sweeney, loudly muttered that he refused “to sit by a traitor.” Sweeney swung at Vincent, who responded with a sharp right to the jaw that sent Sweeney staggering. It was, said the House doorkeeper, the best punch thrown by a member of Congress in fifty years.
— Lynne Olson, Those Angry Days: Roosevelt, Lindbergh, and America's Fight Over World War II, 1939-1941
You're prettier than I imagined you", Raphael said. "Uh... thank you," I said. "But I don't really...""Wait,wait, I've got one," he interrupted. "Somebody better call God. Because Heaven's missing an angel!
— Alexandra Adornetto, Heaven
But how do we know it's working properly?''The green light is on.' said Jack.
— Anna   Moore, Edith and the Owls
If You Get Accidentally Locked, In the loo - Would you ‪#‎KnockYourSelfOut‬?
— Nikhil Sharda, Sans Destination
We were full of righteous anger and dreams of vengeance when we got here, and a couple of blowjobs and hangovers later it's like nothing ever happened
— James S.A. Corey, Leviathan Wakes
Believe me, Dirk; I've been in this game a long time and I know what I'm talking about. I've seen it all; wife swapping during a coach tour of Norfolk churches, orgies at a pensioners' whist drive in Somerset; a mystery weekend where the real mystery turned out to be, what was Mr Preston doing hanging upside down in the wardrobe with an apple in his mouth.
— Stuart Bone, Driven to Distraction
He was the kind of teacher every child hated, and they suspected most of the staff did not like him too.
— Jay Haughton
The the glow become brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.A boy in the crowd gasped. 'She's a communist!'A girl who'd been sitting at Cabin Four's table gave him a disgusted sneer. 'No, Damien, that's my mom's symbol.
— Rick Riordan, The Hidden Oracle
What do you mean Ronan's a magical entity? Is he a demon? Because this all makes sense if so.
— Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven King
Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover."Are we going to read to each other?""Just flip it open to the back."Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?""Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face.""My face has character. Besides - oh!""An excellent read, isn't it?""Who knew I had a taste for literature?
— Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows
Nobody ever drowned in their own sweat.
— Veronica Rossi, Riders
4:15. Not 4 not 4:30 but 4:15. She thought to intimidate me with the use of quarter hours.
— Muriel Spark, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
Maybe the one real advantage to getting older is that you have the time to pull your head a little bit farther out of your ass.
— Scott Lynch, The Republic of Thieves
Bad habits have brought me this far: why change such a tried-and-true formula?
— Christopher Hitchens
What a shabby lot of highbrows have turned out tonight," he said, when he saw us. "It makes me ashamed to be one.
— Anthony Powell, A Dance to the Music of Time: 2nd Movement
Seuls les poissons morts suivent le courant' - Only dead fish follow the current
— Mike Bodnar, Against the Current: Au revoir to corporate life and bonjour to a life afloat in France!
I have never met a politician who has exceeded my low expectations of them.
— Grant McLachlan
What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.
— Ana Claudia Antunes
But then he put aside the awkward encounter, which his mind allowed him to do quite easily. He could compartmentalize at an astonishing level. It came from not giving a shit.
— David Baldacci, Memory Man
Right,” Thatcher said, “let’s have a look at her.”Katherine hesitated. The kitten was fast asleep in her arms and she was afraid to wake her. “Something amiss?” Thatcher asked.Katherine giggled at her capricious emotions and shoved the kitten into the surgeon’s arms. The animal woke up as Thatcher examined it. He set the kitten on the deck and watched as she wobbled around on clumsy paws. “Yes,” Thatcher nodded conclusively. “This is indeed a cat.
— Matt Tomerlin, The Devil's Fire
What’s gotten into you?” he wondered, blinking in sudden frustration.“Not you, that’s for a certainty.
— Matt Tomerlin, The Devil's Fire
Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.
— Peter James West
From the beginning, when something was wrong I've been saying: 'Dilly-ding, dilly-dong, wake up, wake up!' So on Christmas Day I bought for all the players and all the staff a little bell. It was just a joke.
— Claudio Ranieri
No one has the ability to laugh at their misfortunes like the women of the East End.
— Philip Ridley, Ghost from a Perfect Place
You will try to improve me, Captain, but I tell you it cannot be done. I am resigned to moral apathy and corporeal decrepitude, and have done with projections. No, Captain,” with a pining sigh, “I think I will simply sit in the shade and wait for either a customer or death, the latter I might prefer, at such a point.
— Michelle Franklin
The prerequisite for a banker is Strait As and no talent.
— Grant McLachlan
Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.”“Well, they were never good-looking lads.
— Luggs
Mary, we met in a pub. As you weren’t banging a tambourine, I understand you weren’t selling the word of God.
— Luggs
I saved a man's life once,' said Granny. 'Special medicine, twice a day. Boiled water with a bit of berry juice in it. Told him I'd bought it from the dwarves. That's the biggest part of doct'rin, really. Most people'll get over things if they put their minds to it, you just have to give them an interest.'She patted Esk's hand as nicely as possible. 'You're a bit young for this,' she said, 'but as you grow older you'll find most people don't set foot outside their own heads much.
— Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites
It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.
— Peter Houston
I have a face for radio and a voice for writing.
— Grant McLachlan
If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.
— Benny Bellamacina, Piddly Poems for Children
Ouch! What are you doing, Karl, you broke my skull!
— Marjane Satrapi
Her hair was matted to her head, glistening dark red, like wine through a murky bottle. Her torn shirt hung loose, a breast carelessly exposed, and her breeches were taut against the lean muscles of her legs. She treaded through the waves, never swaying in the current, until she stood before him, face concealed in shadow. “You swim faster with one arm than I with two,” she said.Nathan laughed. “You frightened me.
— Matt Tomerlin, The Devil's Fire
Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.
— Leah Thomas, Because You'll Never Meet Me
Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication:They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop.Never think that. We're not the poop.
— Leah Thomas, Because You'll Never Meet Me
You ask me why I write. You might as well ask me why I breathe. I need oxygen to feed my body and ink to feed my soul.
— Bryce Main
I’m subject to occasional theological nightmares. The one that leaves me in a cold sweat every time is, I arrive at the pearly gates and the first thing I’m asked is where I went to college.
— Mark Vonnegut, The Eden Express: A Memoir of Insanity
To steel yourself against mangoes showed a degree of iciness that was almost inhuman.
— Vikram Seth
Ah, if only we were born roaring with laughter and took that emotional template through life with us! Whoever's in charge seriously messed up somewhere. I can only hope that right now, that selfsame Whoever is wryly relating their cock-up to some celestial colleague, who responds: 'Hey, you should put that in a book. LOL!
— Steve Cole
Soroya:“Where are we going? I need to know what to wear.”Graham: “Wear whatever you’re wearing right now.”I looked down. Soraya: “A hot pink lace bra and G-string? Where are you taking me, a strip club?
— vi kieland penelope ward
Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.
— Neel Burton
Zilpah had little use for men, whom she described as hairy, crude, and half human. Women needed men to make babies and to move heavy objects, but otherwise she didn't understand their purpose, much less appreciate their charms.
— Anita Diamant, The Red Tent
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drown in a book. Whatever works.
— Roney Ngala
it seems politicians projected the powerful brand called Ambedkar, rather than his ideologies. Like the ad says 'name is enough.
— Anoop Raghav
If you were given the chance to be reborn after your death, buy you could only come back as a squirrel, would you complain?
— Peter James West
They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat.
— Nancy A. Collins, Sunglasses After Dark
And she gave him a melting smile, the glutinous sweetness of which he devoured with the avidity of a diabetic who swallows a fatal spoonful of jam.
— John Collier
My cock has been hiding since the day she arrived," Bjarni had said, but only when he was sure she was out of earshot, which was a full day after she left. "You worry for nothing brother," Bjorn had said, "for even a seiðr-wife (witch) cannot put a spell on something she can't see. It would be like trying to hit a louse with a spear-throw.
— Giles Kristian, Winter's Fire
Consider the simple hedgehog, and his neighbor, the opossum...do they waste their energy trying to throw one another into chasms when they face a common enemy, the winter? No!
— Ransom Riggs, Library of Souls
Turning things over and over in isolation had led me to a certain point, but I knew that to get any further I'd have to voice some ideas aloud, just to see how they sounded. But I certainly didn't go to Ellie expecting any kind of constructive input on her part. It was more that I'd hit a wall and needed someone to talk around the subject with - like when you come up against a problem that's just immune to normal logic.
— Gavin Extence
The main causes for divorceare marriages.
— A.J. Beirens
On the sixth day god created man,on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.
— A.J. Beirens
Did god make man too perfect,So that a piece has to be removedthrough circumcision?
— A.J. Beirens
So I needed to be womanised. I was losing my sheen.
— Lorrie Moore, Like Life
She wore a lot of gray-green corduroy. She had been under the impression that it brought out her eyes, those shy stars.
— Lorrie Moore, Like Life
The turkeys I eat are raised on farms. They're different. They've signed on the dotted line.
— Lorrie Moore, Like Life
Bucks, doe — thank God everything boils down to money, I always say.""During mating season the doe constructs a bed for herself, and then she urinates all around the outside of it. That's how she gets her mate.""So that's it," murmured Odette. "I was always peeing in the bed.
— Lorrie Moore, Like Life
Life is a windowless room in the Hotel Bellevue.
— Victoria Wood
Honestly, if you're looking for love and you're not too choosy, hang around a hardware store fingering screws.
— Marian Keyes
Yes. She’s correct. We’re not friends. We are lufenes actually. But she’s had an overdose of magic, which has seemingly rendered her empathetically impotent.
— Jessica O'Toole, The Price of Sanctuary
Exceed expectations" is such a lispy term. I hope that it never infiltrates the bedroom or sport.
— Grant McLachlan
How was your afternoon?"“No one died, so it was a big improvement on my morning.
— Will Kostakis, The Sidekicks
Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe
— Neil deGrasse Tyson
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.
— Charlie Brooker
Once upon a time,there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.
— Dick Allen, Zen Master Poems
I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said.
— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 BOOK 1
People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.
— Eliza Green
You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.
— L. Ron Hubbard
And then this happened. And then this other thing happened. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you about the time this happened. I should've had this book over for a cup of coffee and a chat.
— Nick Stewart
On the other hand, she was disproportionately indulgent towards the failings of men, and was often heard to say that these were natural.
— George Eliot
It is much harder than you might think to show people your bottom.
— Mark Forsyth, The Servant: A Short Story
So I'm cruising down the road and the object of my thoughts is racing down the street, screaming that her father is a cop. A public servant, very flattering"  " I like a man in uniform" He laughed. 'Do you like pizza?' 'What a ridiculous question. I suppose you're going to ask me if I like pasta next?
— Melina Marchetta, Looking for Alibrandi
Shigure: G'morning.Tohru: Good mo
— Natsuki Takaya, Fruits Basket, Vol. 7
Everyone’s face is odd, because we only get one.
— Benny Bellamacina, Piddly Poems for Children
All this and the wine's coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.” One motherfuck of an essay question.
— Don Winslow, The Power of the Dog
All this and the wines coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, 'Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.' One motherfuck of an essay question. 
— Don Winslow, The Power of the Dog
Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun.
— Ellen DeGeneres, The Funny Thing Is...
You shouldn't panic so much," Siris said. "You'll never be a good thief if you panic.
— Sean F. Hogan, Painting Angels
Furious and wild with fear, the potatoes flailed the air with their leaves and stamped their roots, but obviously this got them nowhere.
— Stanisław Lem
All this and the wine's coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, 'Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.' One motherfuck of an essay question. 
— Don Winslow, The Power of the Dog
Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel
— James Hauenstein
The old who refuse to die merely on principle live on forever, to hate life and complain of all the things they could have been spared had they the good sense to die young.
— Michelle Franklin
This ends now. We’re breaking bread.” The waiter gets to us before Thommo’s had time to peruse.“Do you have bread?”“We have croissants.”Thommo blinks. “We’re breaking croissant.”“One croissant?” the waiter asks.“With three plates.”“They’re very small.” He mimes the croissant’s size.“Then bring small plates,” Thommo says.
— Will Kostakis, The Sidekicks
Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.
— Carl Hiaasen, Hoot
Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.''That's three eyes.''You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said.
— Daniel Polansky, She Who Waits
A sword needs a sheath, heh, and a wedding needs a bedding.
— George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords: Blood and Gold
Right, times up,” Annie declared as she not so graciously stood from the table. “On to Hot Steppers, where naked men are waiting to grind upon thy lap. Come along my trusty wenches!
— Karen Raines, Dork To Dirty
I feel fresh.
— Lailah Gifty Akita
I wish you all the best in life. Hell, I will even write your obituary for free.
— Fakeer Ishavardas
When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice!
— priyavrat gupta
Some people respect some people only because some people respect them.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What is the point of living forever if you are stuck on a permanent diet of leaves and twigs?
— Jen A. Durand, Wintr's Homecoming: Secrets
...if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.
— Ellen DeGeneres
For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand.
— Frances Hardinge, The Lie Tree
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just encourages them....
— Billy Connolly
Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of your head.''I have, at least, a well-polished, silver-plated coffee-pot in front of me', said he.
— Arthur Conan Doyle