c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Well then," Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No," Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious," Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
— Chuck Klosterman
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
— Terry Pratchett, Soul Music
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
— Dave Barry, Dave Barry Does Japan
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
— Steve Martin
Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.
— John Green
You look too pretty to be useful." "Truer words were never spoken.
— Richelle Mead, Bloodlines
Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
— Bill Watterson
One of the greatest myths in the world - & the phrase 'greatest myths' is just a fancy way of saying 'big fat lies' -- is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.
— Lemony Snicket, The Ersatz Elevator
Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.
— Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels
You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dream Warrior
If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
— Philip K. Dick
Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
— Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind
A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
— Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
— Oscar Wilde
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
— John Green, Paper Towns
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
— Terry Pratchett, Thud!
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
— Groucho Marx
As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.
— Andy Weir, The Martian
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
— Woody Allen
Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Queen
Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
— Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown's Little Book of Wisdom
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
— Sue Grafton
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.
— Gilles Deleuze
Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.Cool.
— J.R. Ward, Dark Lover
Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.
— George Bernard Shaw
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
— Calvin Trillin
the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.""Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor." a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?
— Rachel Caine, Glass Houses
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
— Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters
The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"Not if you want to keep breathing.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Avenged
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
— Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
— A.J. Jacobs, The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Wear that scarf," he said, pointing to a blue cashmere scarf hanging on a peg. "It matches your eyes."Alec looked at it. Suddenly he was filled with hate - for the scarf, for Magnus, and most of all for himself. "Don't tell me," he said. "The scarf's a hundred years old, and it was given to you by Queen Victoria right before she died, for special services to the Crown or something."Magnus sat up. "What's gotten into you?"Alec stared at him. "Am I the newest thing in this apartment?""I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He's only two.""I said newest, not youngest," Alec snapped.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
— Bill Watterson, It's a Magical World: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
— Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
— Bill Hicks
I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters
Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.
— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie
— Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave
Who are you?" he asked.I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.
— Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life. 
— Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
— David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?""Only once" said Hermione stung. "I got you loads more then you got me—""I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—""Well if you're counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand—
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Yes Yeswhen God created love he didn't help most when God created dogs He didn't help dogs when God created plants that was average when God created hate we had a standard utility when God created me He created me when God created the monkey He was asleep when He created the giraffe He was drunk when He created narcotics He was high and when He created suicide He was low when He created you lying in bed He knew what He was doing He was drunk and He was high and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time He made some mistakes but when He created you lying in bed He came all over His Blessed Universe.
— Charles Bukowski
Are you any good at it?""Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best.
— Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
— Ben Elton, Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;In my own way, and with my full consent.Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarelyWent to their deaths more proud than this one went.Some nights of apprehension and hot weepingI will confess; but that's permitted me;Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keepingRubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.If I had loved you less or played you slylyI might have held you for a summer more,But at the cost of words I value highly,And no such summer as the one before.Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,I shall have only good to say of you.
— Edna St. Vincent Millay
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
— Steven Wright
But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.
— Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall
My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.
— Rachel Caine, Kiss of Death
If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry. "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya
— George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. "Make Harry get it.""Get the mail, Harry.""Make Dudley get it.""Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.
— J.R. Ward, Lover Revealed
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
— George Carlin
You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.
— Joss Whedon
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
— Steven Wright
My muscles informed me they did not want to go through any more exercise today. So I suggest that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I'm pretty sure it was at me...not with me. "Why is that funny?" "Oh," he said, his smile dropping. "You were serious.""Of course I was! Look, I've technically been awake for two days. Why do we have to start this training now? Let me go to bed." I whined. "It's just one hour.""How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on it while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
— Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
— Woody Allen
I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
— Bill Hicks
Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Best of Wodehouse: An Anthology
Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.
— Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
— Ellen DeGeneres
Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours.""Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
— Kristin Cashore, Graceling
Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.
— Rumiko Takahashi
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...
— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
— Mark Twain, Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
— H.L. Mencken, A Book of Burlesques
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
— Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf
Henry turned as if to dart out of the room, then swung around and stared at them, a look of confusion passing over his freckled face, as if he had only now had cause to wonder why Will, Tessa, and Jem might be crouching together in a mostly disused storage room. "What are you three doing in here, anyway?"Will tilted his head to the side and smiled at Henry. "Charades," he said. "Massive game.
— Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
You've got no sense of humor.""I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
— J.D. Robb, Imitation in Death
The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
— Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!
— J.K. Rowling
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
— Scott Adams
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
— George Carlin
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
— Bill Watterson
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
— George Carlin
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?" I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?
— James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. ...A fatty trusts another fatty.
— John Green, An Abundance of Katherines
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
— Mel Brooks
-BDB on the board-Knitter's AnonimousMay 8, 2006Rhage (in his bedroom posting in V's room on the board)Hi, my name is V.("Hi, V")I've been knitting for 125 years now.(*gasping noises*)It's begun to impact my personal relationships: my brothers think I'm a nancy. It's begun to affect my health: I'm getting a callus on my forefinger and I find bits of yarn in all my pockets and I'm starting to smell like wool. I can't concentrate at work: I keep picturing all these lessers in Irish sweaters and thick socks.(*sounds of sympathy*)I've come seeking a community of people who, like me, are trying not to knit. Can you help me?(*We're with you*)Thank you (*takes out hand-knitted hankie in pink*)(*sniffles*)("We embrace you, V")Vishous (in the pit): Oh hell no...you did not just put that up. And nice spelling in the title. Man...you just have to roll up on me, don't you. I got four words for you, my brother.Rhage: Four words? Okay...lemme see... Rhage, you're so sexy.hmmm....Rhage, you're SO smart. No wait! Rhage, you're SO right! That's it, isn't it...g'head. You can tell me. Vishous: First one starts with a "P"Use your head for the other three. Bastard.Rhage: P? Hmm... Please pass the yarnVishous: Payback is a bitch!Rhage: OhhhhhhhhhhhhI'm so scuuuuuurred. Can you whip me up a blanket to hide under?
— J.R. Ward, The Black Dagger Brotherhood: An Insider's Guide
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?"
— Cassandra Clare
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
— Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies
I don't like lollipops.
— Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
Are you a female dog?""What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
— Lisi Harrison, The Clique
In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!
— Jim Butcher, Summer Knight
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.
— Banksy, Banging Your Head Against a Brick Wall
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
— Charles M. Schulz
He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did was put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of Crowley. In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt or browning, or just didn't look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants. "Say goodbye to your friend," he'd say to them. "He just couldn't cut it. . . " Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large, empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat. The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.“Ow!”“Taste the rainbow bitch.
— Michelle Hodkin, The Retribution of Mara Dyer
If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
— James A. Michener
Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-""Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand," Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness.
— Jeaniene Frost, This Side of the Grave
Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked."Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.
— Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays
All right," Clara said. "We have our swordsman, so let's get moving. Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.
— Kristin Cashore, Fire
Nice dress. Take it off.
— Janet Evanovich
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
— Mark Twain
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
— Jesse Andrews, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."Oh no... why?"I'm not sure that's a good idea."Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line."Are you ashamed of me?""No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes.
— E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
— Mae West
Adventures are never fun while you're having them.
— C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.
— Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl Band 1-3
I want to do it too!" (sitting motionless)Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church."Max: (muttering) "Appropriately enough."Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still)Max: "No, you're visible."Iggy: "Am not!"Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?
— James Patterson, The Final Warning
You have something on your neck. What Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway? Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. And ran into a vampire What? No! I fell. On your neck?
— Cassandra Clare
I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
— Kresley Cole, Kiss of a Demon King
Never doubt my weaseling abilities, Shadowhunter, for they are epic and memorable in their scope.
— Cassandra Clare
You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?""I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.
— Kristin Cashore, Graceling
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.
— Morrissey
[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
— Stephen Hawking
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
— Robin McKinley, Sunshine
When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.But laughing is exactly what I did.
— Rachel Hawkins, Hex Hall
I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
— David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
— Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home
The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi. "Bebsi?" I asked."Pepsi," Walt said. "I read about it on the Internet. There's no 'p' in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi.""So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?""Brobably.
— Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire
I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.
— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.
— Shel Silverstein, Falling Up
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.No hope, no harm; just another false alarm
— Morrissey
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
— Steven Wright
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
— Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally
Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?' 'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.' 'The dog did nothing in the night-time.''That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.
— Arthur Conan Doyle, Silver Blaze
As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.
— Cassandra Clare
Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.
— Steve Martin, Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
— Erma Bombeck
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
— Dave Barry
When in doubt, look intelligent.
— Garrison Keillor
I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
— Robert Bloch
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 
— Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns Fifty
I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."She raised an eyebrow."Sharp as hell," Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.
— Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker
Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--turn your toes out when you walk---And remember who you are!
— Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
— Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right
I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.
— Jim Butcher, Summer Knight
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
— George Carlin
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
— Sam Levenson
Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more.
— Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality
I mean, d'you know what eternity is? There's this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there's this little bird-""What little bird?" said Aziraphale suspiciously."This little bird I'm talking about. And every thousand years-""The same bird every thousand years?"Crowley hesitated. "Yeah," he said."Bloody ancient bird, then.""Okay. And every thousand years this bird flies-""-limps-""-flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak-""Hold on. You can't do that. Between here and the end of the universe there's loads of-" The angel waved a hand expansively, if a little unsteadily. "Loads of buggerall, dear boy.""But it gets there anyway," Crowley persevered."How?""It doesn't matter!""It could use a space ship," said the angel.Crowley subsided a bit. "Yeah," he said. "If you like. Anyway, this bird-""Only it is the end of the universe we're talking about," said Aziraphale. "So it'd have to be one of those space ships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. You have to tell your descendants, you say, When you get to the Mountain, you've got to-" He hesitated. "What havethey got to do?""Sharpen its beak on the mountain," said Crowley. "And then it flies back-""-in the space ship-""And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again," said Crowley quickly.There was a moment of drunken silence."Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak," mused Aziraphale."Listen," said Crowley urgently, "the point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then-"Aziraphale opened his mouth. Crowley just knew he was going to make some point about the relative hardness of birds' beaks and granite mountains, and plunged on quickly."-then you still won't have finished watching The Sound of Music."Aziraphale froze."And you'll enjoy it," Crowley said relentlessly. "You really will.""My dear boy-""You won't have a choice.""Listen-""Heaven has no taste.""Now-""And not one single sushi restaurant."A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face.
— Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
— Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.
— Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Why are you limping like that?' Nicholas demanded.'I'm swaggering,' I informed him.'You look like you're wearing a diaper.'Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.Wait. I had a crush on this guy?'Now what?' he asked. 'You're making weird faces.''Nothing,' I said quickly. 'Never mind.
— Alyxandra Harvey, My Love Lies Bleeding
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day
—  instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.
Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.
— Will Cuppy
Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. "Don't worry: I won't let you fall off." "Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?" Brianna tossed it to him. "In case you fall off.
— Michael  Grant, Hunger
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
— Johnny Depp
Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?""Only from ugly people," Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me." He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons," said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
— Chris Rock
Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
— Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident
CONJUGATE THIS:
— Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
What ho!" I said."What ho!" said Motty."What ho! What ho!""What ho! What ho! What ho!"After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
— P.G. Wodehouse, My Man Jeeves
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
— Bill Hicks
We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
— Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident
I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.
— Jim Morrison
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
— Cassandra Clare
A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
— P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
— Christopher Hitchens
Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.
— Heather Brewer, Eighth Grade Bites
It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.
— Andrew  Jackson
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?
— Jim Butcher, Death Masks
Caring about someone isn't complicated. It isn't easy. But it isn't complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.
— Jim Butcher, Small Favor
Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!
— Warren Ellis
If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.
— P.G. Wodehouse, Love Among the Chickens
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
— Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning
I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-""It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
— Shannon Hale, The Actor and the Housewife
Fall off your own roof.
— Veronica Rossi, Under the Never Sky
Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. 'I see that my period of intellectual respite has come to an end.'Ham smiled. 'I thought up a couple beastly questions while I was gone, and I've been saving them just for you, Breeze.''I'm dying of anticipation,' Breeze said. He turned his cane toward Lestibournes. 'Spook, drink.'Spook rushed over and fetched Breeze a cup of wine.'He's such a fine lad,' Breeze noted, accepting the drink. 'I barely even have to nudge him Allomantically. If only the rest of you ruffians were so accommodating.'Spook frowned. 'Niceing the not on the playing without.''I have no idea what you just said, child,' Breeze said. 'So I'm simply going to pretend it was coherent, then move on.'Kelsier rolled his eyes. 'Losing the stress on the nip,' he said. 'Notting without the needing of care.''Riding the rile of the rids to the right,' Spook said with a nod.'What are you two babbling about?' Breeze said testily.'Wasing the was of brightness,' Spook said. 'Nip the having of wishing of this.''Ever wasing the doing of this,' Kelsier agreed.'Ever wasing the wish of having the have,' Ham added with a smile. 'Brighting the wish of wasing the not.'Breeze turned to Dockson with exasperation. 'I believe our companions have finally lost their minds, dear friend.'Dockson shrugged. Then, with a perfectly straight face, he said, 'Wasing not of wasing is.
— Brandon Sanderson, The Final Empire
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
— Natsuki Takaya
I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.
— Tina Fey
I'm sorry," he says."What? Why?""You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things.""Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want." would be so bad.
— Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
— Gena Showalter, Heart of Darkness
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
— Eddie Izzard
The baby batScreamed out in fright,'Turn on the dark,I'm afraid of the light.
— Shel Silverstein
It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
— Derek Landy, Mortal Coil
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
— William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? 
— Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin And Hobbes
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.
— Andy Weir, The Martian
See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!
— Marissa Meyer, Cress
I have to return some videotapes
— Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
— Steve Harvey, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
— George Carlin
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
— John Green
If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl.
— Kelley Armstrong
What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed."Honestly?""Does now seem like the time for honesty?"I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.
— Veronica Roth, Insurgent
If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge.
— Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
Why are they going to disappear him?'I don't know.'It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.
— Joseph Heller, Catch-22
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
— Victor Borge
I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.
— P.G. Wodehouse
But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.
— Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
— Scott Adams
This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying."Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen.""Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
— Melina Marchetta, On the Jellicoe Road
Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. 'Will you swear?'And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?
— Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools
...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?""In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied.
— George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
— Steve Martin
St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there.
— Stephanie Perkins, Isla and the Happily Ever After
Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.
— Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
— Lena Dunham
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
— Mary Ann Shaffer, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
— Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep. I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling. .
— Alexandra Bracken, The Darkest Minds
Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity.
— Lemony Snicket
Mary-Lynnette: "You have not read 'Pride and Prejudice'."Ash: "Why not?"Mary-Lynnette: "Because Jane Austen was a human."Ash: "How do you know?"Mary-Lynnette: "Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you're a chauvinist pig."Ash: "Yes, well, that I can't argue.
— L.J. Smith
Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny.
— Bruce Springsteen
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
— George F. Will
We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.""Scrabble?" He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great.""Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'.
— Sophie Kinsella, I've Got Your Number