c2p-cmd/Good-Quotes-Authors huggingface dataset:
Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked.
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth
— J.A. Saare, Dead, Undead, or Somewhere in Between
I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?
— Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
(Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.
— Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
— George Carlin
You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.
— John Madden
No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.
— Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass
Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.
— James Patterson, Fang
Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life.
— Tessa Dare, Romancing the Duke
Haskell to QuinlinYou need anything, Quin, absolutely anything, you call me and I'll be there. Remember, friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel. You say the word, and I'll be there with a spanking new shovel. Or holy water and an exorcism ritual. Whatever works.
— I.D. Locke, Blind Desire
you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, One Silent Night
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone. 
— Steven Wright
Getting money from my dad is a finesse job. Luckily, I have finesse coming out of my arse. I barged into his study without knocking, marched across to his desk, and held out my hand. “Give me twenty pounds,” I snapped. “I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!
— Sarra Manning
Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)
— Lemony Snicket
She sighed. Loudly. "Physical appearance is not what is important."Yeah right. Tell that to any girl who hasn't bothered to put on a presentable shirt or fix her hair because she's only running into the grocery store to get a quart of milk for her grandmother, and who does she see tending the 7-ITEMS-OR-LESS cash register but the guy of her dreams, except she can't even say hi—much less try to develop a meaningful relationship—since she looks like the poster child for the terminally geeky.
— Vivian Vande Velde, Heir Apparent
Jason hated being an old man.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus
I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.'He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.''What kind of dogs?' I asked.He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.''Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.''Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.'I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Obsidian Butterfly
Bug spray.” Mosquitoes never bother me, but apparently they eat Tucker alive if he forgets bug spray. So I wear it for solidarity. “All the kids wearit,” I explain to Mom. “They say the mosquito is the Wyoming state bird.
— Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?
— Sarah Mlynowski, Ten Things We Did
[Kagura is doing laundry and tries to wring out Kyou's shirt causing it to rip in two ]Kyo Sohma: Tell me what I think just happened didn't just happen Kagura: My love !Kyo Sohma: My shirt!
— Natsuki Takaya
She called me ‘my lady,’ ” she told him in a plaintive voice. “I don’t know who that is. I’m no lady.” The last of his fury faded away to be replaced with a quick gleam. He peered under the sheet. “I can attest to that.
— Thea Harrison, Dragon Bound
He made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. "Oh thank you so much. That's what every man wants to hear about his name. You might as well call me 'Little Pecker' while you're at it and tell me you would love to have me go shopping with you for feminine hygiene products. Oh and by all means, carry a big, sparkling pink bag with flowers on it and make me hold it.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
Why me?" I blurted out, and then closed my eyes briefly. "Okay. Don't answer that."The food arrived just then一thank God一and the conversation was deterred...for about two minutes. "I'm going to answer that question," Cam said, peering at me through his lashes.I wanted to face-plant my stuffed chicken. "You don't have to.""No, I think I do.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Wait for You
Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!
— Keiko Nobumoto, Cowboy Bebop Film Manga, Volume 1
Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.
— Santosh Kalwar
I don’t know who you think you are” — my mother’s voice was low and dangerous — “but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had to — and he wouldn’t stand a chance against my mom.
— Patricia Briggs, Bone Crossed
Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.
— Thomas Henry Huxley, Lay Sermons, Addresses, and Reviews
Prithee," He protested, "if thou wouldst waiteth a goddamned second-
— Tessa Dare, Romancing the Duke
Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.
— David McRaney, You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself
This is a theater," Bertie, annoyed by the inquisition, dropped him onto stage. Several feet of slack cable landed atop the fairy in a slithering heap."Oh!" Peaseblossom said. "You've buried him alive!
— Lisa Mantchev, Eyes Like Stars
Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.
— Agatha Christie, A Murder Is Announced
I wish my nose would blow me for once.
— Brian Celio
If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)
— Pablo
I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.
— Lemony Snicket, The Ersatz Elevator
Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.
— E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
I said, names aren't important," he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"Will shook his head."Supper is important!
— John Flanagan, The Ruins of Gorlan
Goodfellow snickered."Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe." Pulling his dagger ,he waved me on."After you,your highness.Puck to Ash
— Julie Kagawa, The Iron Knight
First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.--Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden
— R.A. Salvatore
This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings
Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.
— J.A. Saare, Dead, Undead, or Somewhere in Between
Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?
— Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me
I cook better than you," Nick corrected absently. "I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.""I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me," said Jamie. " I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.""I agree, that would be awesome." Mae said. "People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.""You're raving," Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. " I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.""We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick," Mae said warningly."How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey?" Jamie wanted to know. " I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.
— Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Covenant
Who-who are you?" Seth asked, hesitantly."Wh-what do you want?" How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I'd only seen the movie like seventeen times. "I'm Luke Skywalker," I said. "I'm here to rescue you.
— Meg Cabot, Sanctuary
If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
I moved to assist, but never got the chance. there was some pretty violent banging for a minute, and then a tearing sound. Finally the stall door flew open, and Ray's shirtless body emerged and started bitch-slapping everything in sight.His aim was off, probably due to the difficulty of having his eyes on the other side of the room, but he made up for it with sheer determination.
— Karen Chance, Death's Mistress
Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They're like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous--- and cool like Johnny Depp.
— Janette Rallison, How to Take the Ex Out of Ex-Boyfriend
You don’t like romantic shit,” Luke remarks and frowns at me.“I don’t like watching you lay the romantic shit on my best friend, pal. It’s disgusting. This,” I gesture around the room with my hands, “is not a movie. But I do like watching Zac Efron, Channing Tatum, and a number of other hot actors lay on the romantic shit in a movie. I have a vagina.”“I’m aware,” Luke remarks earning a glare from Nate. “Although, not first-hand,” he quickly adds.
— Kristen Proby, Fight with Me
I'm done. I'm going to go to bed and read important books about theater.""It would would be easier if you just said porn," Scarlett said."No idea what you're talking about. But knock first if you need me.
— Maureen Johnson, Suite Scarlett
Any other iron on you?” he asked impatiently.“Just my tongue stud.”His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.“I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.
— Kiersten White
The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.
— Nia Vardalos
Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning - after a short detour - when a small naked body barreled into him in one of the main corridors. Steadying the boy with Tk, he looked down. The child lifted a finger to his lips. "Shh. I'm hiding." With that, he went behind Judd and scrambled into a small alcove. "Quickly!Not sure why he obeyed the order, Judd backed up to stand in front of the alcove, arms crossed. A flustered Lara came running around the corner a few seconds later. "Have you seen Ben? Four-year-old. Naked as a jaybird?""How tall is he?" Judd asked in his most overbearing Psy manner.Lara stared. "He's four. How tall do you think he is? Have you seen him or not?""Let me think...did you say he was naked?""He was about to be bathed. Slippery little monkey."A giggle from behind Judd.Lara's eyes widened and then her lips twitched. "So you haven't seen him?""Without a proper description, I can't be sure."The healer was obviously trying not to laugh. "You shouldn't encourage him - he's incorrigible as it is."Judd felt childish hands on his left calf and then Ben poked his head out. "I'm incorwigeable, did ya hear?"Judd nodded. "I do believe you've been found. Why don't you go have your bath?""Come on, munchkin." Lara held out a hand.Surprisingly strong baby arms and legs wrapped around Judd's leg. "No. I wanna stay with Uncle Judd."Lara anticipated his question. "Ben spends a lot of time with Marlee.""I spend a lot of time with Marlee," a small voice piped up.
— Nalini Singh, Caressed by Ice
I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--"I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
— Steven Wright
Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.
— Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge
I've taken care of it," I saidMy father looked at me, shocked.Then I realized "taken care of" had a very specific meaning in his line of work."No, no, I mean he's gone.
— Gordon Korman
When they throw the water on the witch, she says, “Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness”. That line inspired my life. I sometimes say it to myself before I go to sleep, like a prayer.
— John Waters
Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Killer Spirit
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?”“No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in a fist. “Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three.”Ty rolled his eyes and held out his fist, apparently willing to play. Julian hit his palm three times, and Ty kept time with his fist in the air. But when Julian threw a paper, Ty reached into his jacket with his other hand and pulled his gun, aiming it at Julian.“Ty!” Zane said in exasperation from the front seat.“Glock, paper, scissors. I win.”“You are an ass,” Julian muttered.
— Abigail Roux, Armed & Dangerous
I'm a whore!"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"Sara let out a strangled squeal...
— Shelly Laurenston, Pack Challenge
What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Kyo Sohma: One of these days I'll make you say you're sorry  Yuki Sohma: looking bored I'm sorry.  Kyo Sohma: Dammit That's not what I meant Don't you have any shame  Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed Yes I'm ashamed to be seen with you shouting in public. Kyo Sohma: Oh that's it We're taking this outside  Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed We ARE outside you stupid cat.
— Natsuki Takaya
Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.
— Judy Blume, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked.
— Kresley Cole, A Hunger Like No Other
All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.
— Morgan Matson, Amy & Roger's Epic Detour
It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures
Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.
— Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
You're in a rather odd mood today."I'm soaking wet, Eloise."No need to snap at me about it, I didn't force you to walk across town in the rain."It wasn't raining when I left,". There was something about a sibling that brought out the eight-year-old in a body.I'm sure the sky was gray," Clearly, she had a bit of the eight-year-old in her as well.
— Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton
Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.
— John Green, An Abundance of Katherines
To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king.
— Susan Mallery, Almost Perfect
It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.
— Maggie Shayne, Colder than Ice
Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.
— Sara  Humphreys, The Amoveo Legacy
Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake." Ash said "funny how that happens sometimes...
— L.J. Smith, Night World, No. 1
What a schmuck!
— Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning
And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping byforce.” She sighed, then reached up, dropping her sunglasses down fromtheir perch on her head to cover her eyes. “Do you even realize how happythe average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We’reat the mall. I want to buy you things. It’s like adolescent nirvana.”- Cora
— Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.
— Brian Regan
My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy
— David Wong, John Dies at the End
A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again?
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.
— James Patterson, Max
What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospitalroom.“Holy shit!” Icka patted her head as if searching. “You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.
— Phoebe Kitanidis, Whisper
No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears
— Penelope Fletcher, Demon Girl
I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.
— Hannah Harrington, Saving June
I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.
— Stephenie Meyer, Twilight
Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.
— Jackie Kessler, Hell's Belles
He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult.
— Seth Grahame-Smith, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. "You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property," the ghost announced. "A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist.
— Jeaniene Frost, The Bite Before Christmas
How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper.""He's both," Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. "Tod is very talented."Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled.Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. "Both my boys are talented.""Both?" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong.Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. "Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod.
— Rachel Vincent, My Soul to Take
We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, No Mercy
Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.
— Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infinity
She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.
— Kresley Cole, A Hunger Like No Other
I will make thee think thy swan a crow.
— William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,'YOU CAN’T KILL MAX MAYHEM!' and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, 'MISSION FAILURE,' but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth.'Saved the kids' he said.'Temporarily' I pointed out.'All salvation is temporary' Augustus shot back. 'I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that’s not nothing.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot.
— Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster
I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.""Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.
— Ellen Raskin, The Westing Game
She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche.
— Larissa Ione, Pleasure Unbound
I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.
— Jim Benton, Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers
I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
That's your solution? Have a cookie?
— Michael Grant
Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!
— Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith
One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.
— Carroll Bryant
Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this."I cringed. "I'm so sorry.""I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak.""It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life.
— Jaye Wells, Red-Headed Stepchild
The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready it goes on because it’s 11:30. 
— Lorne Michaels
Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?""I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.
— Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
My tiny scary friend is coming
— Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone
Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.
— Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
Dallas popped his jaw. “I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man.
— Gena Showalter, Dark Taste of Rapture
If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.
— Criss Jami, Killosophy
Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine.
— Hanna Lui, Suck
Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing. So I headed over to his house and waited outside until he left. And now he’s at McDonald’s, and I’m following him to see where else he’s going.” MySpace is seriously going to be responsible for everyone losing their minds.
— Lauren Barnholdt, Two-Way Street
I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.It could rain in a room this big.
— Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller
That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!
— Hilary Duff, Elixir
There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.
— Roald Dahl, The Collected Short Stories of Roald Dahl
I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?
— Kerrelyn Sparks, Vampire Mine
I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.
— Nancy Springer
Shut. Up," June squealed. "You have a date with that guy?" She giggled and covered her mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.""I can't do both," I pointed out.
— Robin Benway, The Extraordinary Secrets of April, May, & June
Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
— Steven Wright
Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt.
— Lara Deloza, Anyone but You
Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with on a rainy afternoon, and the other is found in the muck at the bottom of polluted rivers and has bits of debris sticking to it.
— T. Kingfisher
The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.
— Richelle Mead, Frostbite
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!
— PewDiePie
Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.
— Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight
Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic?
— Nick Hornby, About a Boy
A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!
— Cuthbert Soup, A Whole Nother Story
Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.
— Jennifer L. Armentrout, Origin
We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Why...do you find this...distracting?
— Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.
— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Nero, we need to talk. Chloe will not get off my ass. I told her,” Amo looked right at Chloe in the eyes, “to walk beside me, but she refuses to even say a word to me.”　　“T-that’s how I walk!” Chloe blurted.　　Elle started laughing; it was too hard not to.　　“Oh, now you can talk because Elle’s around.” Elle only laughed harder. "I blame you!” He pointed at Elle.
— Sarah Brianne, Nero
Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
— Russell Brand, My Booky Wook
Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.
— Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light
I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.
— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
What's a slut?" I ask him."A girl who puts out too easily.""Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that."Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex."I wonder where Greer puts the sex out.
— Rachel Cohn, Beta
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.
— James Hetfield
People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy?
— Ysabeau S. Wilce
Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick's snap-on one piece, or "onesie" as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which were so tight they must have been cutting off his circulation. The collared neck hung between his legs like an udder. Up top, Patrick's head stuck out through the unsnapped crotch, and his arms were lost somewhere in the billowing pant legs. It was quite a look.
— John Grogan, Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog
Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.
— Darynda Jones
I'd sold my soul to get out of detention.
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Perfect Cover
Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.
— Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal.
— Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned
You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .”“Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly.“No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . .
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin?Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.Travis: Or prank.Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).
— John D. Rhodes
I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?
— Libba Bray, A Great and Terrible Beauty
Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month.Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek.Travis: You are a geek.
— Rick Riordan, The Demigod Files
What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.
— Anne Carson, Decreation
The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.
— Neil Pasricha, The Book of Awesome
Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator....."I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpful"Marie pursed her lips and humor danced in her eyes."It says you would like to have sex with me. I don't think that is correct""Oh, for Christ sake" Eve slammed a fist against the machine.....
— J.D. Robb, Conspiracy in Death
My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood.
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
He stood and inhaled, then walked a few more feet, stooped, and prodded a chunk of rabbit fur.“I’m definitely thinking something with more body parts,” I said. “Like a head.”He gave a snort of a laugh. “It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.
— Kelley Armstrong, The Awakening
Colin : “Perhaps now is the time to tell you that I have a weakness for agreeable women.”Sugar Beth : “Well, that sure does leave me out.”Colin : “Exactly. With agreeable women, I’m unendingly considerate. Gallant even.”Sugar Beth : “But with tarts like me, the gloves are off, is that it?”Colin : “I wouldn’t exactly call you a tart. But then, I tend to be broad-minded.”She suppressed the urge to dump her porridge in his lap.
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Ain't She Sweet
Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first
— S.A. Bodeen, The Compound
By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.
— Alison Croggon, The Singing
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. "You're lost!" "You're angry!" "You're in the wrong school!" "You're in the wrong country!" "You're on the wrong planet!
— Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
[Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby...Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she held him and cooed. When the parents turned around to look at her and saw their child holding a furry, living creature, they needlessly panicked.
— Obert Skye, Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
— Victor Borge
Hermits have no peer pressure.
— Steven Wright
His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth.
— Tera Lynn Childs, Forgive My Fins
Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.
— William Safire
Misery, thy name is Mudslide
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
Sorry, Bex," Jason said "You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here...well, just look at her." "Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight," I pointed out. "Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface.
— Meg Cabot
Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely,Patriot
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Hey, Ethan.""Yeah?""Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?""The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice."He grinned and shot the ball. "It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up.
— Kami Garcia, Beautiful Chaos
Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.
— Nick Shamhart
I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.
— Gary Larson
I love the sound of it," Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. "It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days.""My armpit?" Mark repeats. "Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy.
— James Dashner, The Kill Order
I can pay you."He raised his eyebrows. "I'm sure there are services for that.Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something?""You know the number well?
— Kasie West, The Fill-In Boyfriend
Wait,” he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. “Is there something you want to tell me?” I looked at him, trying to think of anything I’d done recently that I needed to admit to. When nothing came to mind other than the usual, I shook my head. “Not really. Why?” He reached out and touched my leather jacket. “Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great.
— Jaye Wells, The Mage in Black
Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.
— J.A. Saare, The Renfield Syndrome
If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
— Kinky Friedman
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
— Erma Bombeck
Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.
— Tao Lin
A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.
— Khaled Hosseini
Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?""I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her."What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?" said Ron.
— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.
— Ilona Andrews, Bayou Moon
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
— Steven Wright
You are the night.""I am the night," I repeated."You are the night."I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?""Jane!""Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word?
— Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
What do you take me for? That fool Socrates, who upheld the law at the cost of his own death – just to be ironic? I suspect that act was actually the result of his secret embarrassment of his hideous nose.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?
— Catherine Doyle, Inferno
Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill.
— Benson Bruno, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..
The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.
— Seth Grahame-Smith
At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Perfect Cover