Giving and Loving
Authors: Odendahl Jules 
Published: October 2020

My memories are not books. They are only stories that I have been over so many times in my head that I don’t know from one day to the next what’s remembered and what’s made up. Like when you memorize a poem, and for one small unimportant part you supply your own words. The meaning’s the same, the meter’s identical. When you read the actual version you can never get it into your head that it’s right and you’re wrong.
What I give you is the day’s edition. Tomorrow it may be different.
The Giant’s House: A Romance (8)

I am a book lover. Not in the conventional sense. I am a lover who gives books as tokens of my affection. I think my fascination with the exchange of the written word extends back to notes I wrote to my Middle School crushes. Bronwyn Garrity, in her study of the Internet practices of American pre-teen and teenaged girls, asserts, “Adolescence is the societally condoned window in which we may shuffle identities with abandon” (28). This rather utopian description is a stark contrast to the identity fixing that I remember experiencing at the ages of twelve and thirteen, especially in the domestic and corpor(e)al space of those grades between elementary school and high school. Personally, I prefer the term “Middle School” to “Junior High”; it more succinctly describes pre-teen ontology. We were in the middle of everything – in the middle of puberty, principally. The muddle middle of desires we had no language to explain. Desires that some of us – a romantic few – attempted to articulate. We were ridiculed for our efforts; or, at least that is how I remember it. Although I mastered intricate note folding techniques (mimicking origami) from more “experienced” girls and learned abbreviations, codes, nicknames that should have frustrated discovery of the sender’s identification, my purple prose too often found its audience not in the private eyes of my beloveds but in public places – the lunchroom, locker room, playground and bus. It wasn’t so much the humiliation of the revealed secret that I remember; it was the identity to which the notes bound me. I was (and still am) the girl who reveals too much.
I came to see my own writing as an inadequate, even clumsy expression of feelings. Undeterred, I thought if I found someone who was a better writer, then my desires would be understood, appreciated, reciprocated. When I entered college, I was prepared. Schooled by another romantic who utilized e.e. cummings’ poetry to seduce me, I became an aficionado of loving by books, poetry, by any words other than my own. Poets, novelists and playwrights became my Cyranos, providing the raw material through which I fashioned love – “She loved the taste of other people’s words in her mouth” (McCracken 13). And like Peggy Cort, the solitary but sensual librarian narrator of Elizabeth McCracken’s A Giant’s House, who loves (through) the words of others, I too believed that “people fall in love based not on good looks or fate but on knowledge. … Knowledge is love” (10).
My father is a book lover too. A book lover like me. From my childhood I remember his gifts of books to me and, when I grew old enough to know what to select, my gifts of books back to him. Of course, my mother says we give each other books because it is “easy,” easier than picking out something “more personal.” I wonder if she misreads the depth of our exchanges on purpose, that she deliberately refuses to see that books are the most intimate gifts we give each other because she is not a book lover too. Not in the way we are. An English major in college, she is one of the few people I know who resists reading. She marks what she terms my father’s “antisocial” behavior by criticizing his constant reading. “It’s the way he avoids dealing with people,” she has been known to charge. For my mother, actions and interaction speak whereas the written word is simply fiction. For my father, the written word is interactive, and interaction is a dance he finds too intricate for his clumsy step. It has become a running joke in our family that when we go to the mall it only takes my father five minutes after entering the over-air conditioned, over-stimulating labyrinth to query, “So. Where can I meet you guys and at what time?” He doesn’t bother to tell us anymore that he’s off to prowl the bookstores; we just know that when we meet (hours later) he will be sitting in the food court, cup of coffee in hand, tell-tale plastic shopping bag folded upon his table and a new love in his hand.
My father used to gift my mother with books – mostly self-help titles – overtly, to assist her with her Master’s education in counseling and, covertly, to hint at her need to seek help with lifelong depression. For a while I remember these gifts were received with joy. It was a way he could share her studies, and she appreciated his desire to be near her intellectually. After she finished her studies, however, he continued to present her with similar offerings because while the study had been mastered the despair had not. Outside an educational context, she saw these books as coercive hints, pushing her to work on her emotional troubles without talking to her directly. She rebelled. The gifts no longer had what Alphonse Lingis calls the “element of impetuousness, recklessness” in them. She accused him of giving not as “a passionate act” but as a calculated one (Dangerous Emotions 174-5). He was crushed and, to my dismay, stopped the flow of books to both of us, afraid that I too would misunderstand his gestures. Now, in the light of memory, I can understand both his sadness and her anger. I have also been disillusioned by contrived gifts. The teenaged lover who chronicled my heart with cummings’ verse proceeded to give the same gift to another after leaving me. This convenient exchange of love object, while maintaining the same vehicle of desire, made me realize that the words were not specific to me, rather, they were part of a package of romance unfolded and displayed as easily to one consumer as the next. Lingis extols his reader,

Gift-giving requires a specific kind of divination of the individual human heart; it is not a matter of just asking someone what he or she wants. For a gift is not a mere gratification of need or want; it involves a grandeur that cannot be measured by itemizing one’s wants; it transfigures the soul of the recipient. (177)

I am determined not to be that kind of charlatan.
Of course, Lingis also cautions that prowess with giving does not insure proficiency with receiving, “Receiving is as difficult as giving a gift.” I believe it is harder for exactly the reasons he delineates, “deciding to make it in life by oneself, deciding to achieve and to deserve whatever one needs and wants, how many gifts one refuses!” (179). Generosity is something I was schooled in by my father, but only in a way that extended out from self. I trace such proffering back to my Middle School moments of misplaced desire. One way that I soothed myself about a failed gift was by giving even more to the same people who never reciprocated my attentions. The more my generosity continues, the more difficult it becomes to accept gifts given to me. Reciprocity undermines my status as giver and exposes my own needs. To acknowledge those needs would be to acknowledge vulnerability – something a giver does not have because she believes she controls the gift exchange. Her desires are fulfilled not just in the act of giving but in the joy the receiver feels. This desire is risky, subject to failure, not to mention parasitic and fleeting because the giver is only excited again by another exchange, another, and another. Lingis counsels me, “It is the extravagant and passionate heart that can recognize and receive a gift” (175), but as a giver, I convince myself of my passion by insistent repetition, denial of need, and emotional silence.
My beloved says it was my generosity that first attracted her to me. I was generous not just with material things but also with my mind, my body and my time. I think she says this to make me feel better about not being able to receive. She allows me to maintain the fiction that my giving is fulfilling. “Sometimes we need people to lie for us,” Peggy Cort reminds me. “That lie was a gift I shouldn’t have accepted: inappropriate, unethical and much too generous. But I did; I took it silently; I nodded” (McCracken 103). I nodded and presented her with … a book.

Works Cited

Garrity, Bronwyn. “Some Cyberspace of Her Own: Escapes from the Dark, Horrible, Sticking Trail of the Lost Voice.” The Nation. 19 Mar. 2001: 25-30.
Lingis, Alphonse. Dangerous Emotions. Berkeley, CA: U of CA Press, 2000.

McCracken, Elizabeth. The Giant’s House: A Romance. New York, NY: Bard Books, 1996.

Citation reference for this article

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MLA Style

Odendahl, Jules. "Giving and Loving" M/C: A Journal of Media and Culture 5.6 (2002). Dn Month Year < http://www.media-culture.org.au/0211/givingandloving.php>.

APA Style

Odendahl, J., (2002, Nov 20). Giving and Loving. M/C: A Journal of Media and Culture, 5,(6). Retrieved Month Dn, Year, from http://www.media-culture.org.au/0211/givingandloving.html