num_pages: 81
description: Tired of the same old jokes? This is the greatest collection of fresh, clean, modern jokes by America's top comics! The Ph.D. Q: How do you get someone with a Ph.D. in gender studies from Yale off your front porch?A: Pay zir for the pizza.The Vegan Activitst A young college man was a vegan, having sworn off all manner of animal products, and loudly proclaimed to anyone within earshot on campus that eating meat was tantamount to murder. He became quite vocal on social media, leading a campaign to restrict meat and meat products. He was elected to the student council based on his passionate vegan beliefs. But despite all that, he couldn’t help thinking about just a little bit of pork. Delicious, crispy bacon. A ham sandwich. A pork chop. Over time, the desire overwhelmed him. He had to have some pork. Of course, if anyone saw him, he’d be ruined, so he had to do it in secret. He decided to take an Uber way out of town to a restaurant where no one would see him. After sitting down and perusing the menu, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name. To his great chagrin, he saw that several of the leading campus vegetarians and vegans were walking towards him!Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over carrying a huge platter holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The young man paused, looking up at his friends. The smell of roasted pork hung in the air. The juicy red apple glimmered in the pig’s mouth.“Can you believe this?” he says. “All I ordered was an apple!”The Lyft Driver Having gotten too old to drive, every day at 11 am an old grandma uses the phone her grandson gave her to order a Lyft to pick her up and take her to her bridge game at the club. Every day, she gets the same driver. And every day, she slowly climbs into the back of the car and offers the driver a bag of peanuts.The Lyft driver happily accepts the peanuts, and munches away throughout the ride. This goes on for weeks.At first, the driver enjoys the peanuts, but after a few weeks of eating them, he asks the old woman not to bring him any more peanuts."I appreciate it, but please don't bring me peanuts. Enjoy them yourself."“Oh, no, I can’t eat them!” she said.“Why not?” the driver asked.The granny answers: "Well, I don’t have my teeth anymore, so I just suck the chocolate off and give the peanuts to you.”
title: The Modern Joke Book
publisher: Mad Comedy