HighLowQualityCounseling/transcripts/high_121

T:	Hi Emmy. I'm Denise.
C:	Hi.
T:	I'm one of the advocates here at the center.
C:	Nice to meet you.
T:	And how are you? How are you today?
C:	I'm fine. Thanks. Well, strange, feeling strange for this but okay.
T:	Yeah it's something really different for you?
C:	Mm-mm. I have, I have not done this before.
T:	Well why don't you tell me a little bit about what brings you here today.
C:	I'm not even sure. I I heard, about this place and that you work with women who are, having trouble with their relationship and are confused and so, I thought I'd give you guys a call. And so, I'm, thank you so much for taking the time to see me.
T:	Yeah. So you're, you've heard a little bit about the program here. Would it help if I just explained a little bit about what, what my role might be today
C:	Yeah.
T:	Yeah. 
C:	Yeah. Cuz I don't know what to do.
T:	Yeah. What I want to reassure you of is that i'm not here to try and tell you anything that you might need to do or to try and give you advice or any information at all. I'm here to help you in whatever way is useful to you. Just sorta sort out what's going on and what if anything you'd like to do differently. So, this is really up to you. What you would like to explore today. How does that sound?
C:	That sounds really hard because I'm not sure I'm very good at sorting things out myself.
T:	Yeah, so right now you're feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that's going on and you're not even sure where to start.
C:	Yeah, that's a good way to put it. I'm kind of confused about what to do next. I have a little baby at home, so I don't, I can't think, anyway most of the time.
T:	Yeah. So now anything, any kind of decisions you make or anything that you do, effects both you and the, and the baby.
C:	Huh, uh-huh. And, and my, boyfriend. It, it affects him. Which is why I guess I'm here, is to talking about him and me and the baby and how we work together.
T:	Yeah. Well, if you're interested or you're willing, why don't you tell me a little bit about your story?
C:	I don't know where to start. He and I had been together for about a year. And I got pregnant right away and we, just had this baby a little while ago. And, and before that I was working and, he and I, you know, we're on and off here and there. We, we get in fights and he disappears for a while and then he comes back. That's kind of what the years look like. And I've just been getting more and more confused on what to do, and recently I did something really that didn't even look like him. He looked like a different person, and it freaked me out. And it freaked the baby out. And, quite honestly, it freaked him out, too. He didn't, he said he, he didn't know what happened and he felt he said he felt out of control.
T:	So the, in the history of the relationship over this year, it's kind of been in and out in a way. And that there have been some incidents where you've had some arguments and separated for awhile and gotten back together.
C:	Uh-huh.
T:	It does sound like something pretty significant happened that sort of  Freaked everybody out.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	And all, all of you. The baby and you and him and, and was kinda scary.
C:	Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah. He, he came home. I was, a friend had come over, a, a man friend. He doesn't like me to have men friends. He came over to help me with my resume. Cuz I'm starting to think about going back to work. And he had a weird look in his eye and so I kind of, you know, sped up and I kind of let my friend leave but soon as, right after he left, he he kinda just got this dark, scary look and he pushed me onto the ground and and it was just different than anything that ever has happened to me or to us together and. It, he just got this weird kinda like he was possessed by something and he said he didn't, he would never do that again. He is such, he is a really good daddy and he really helps us out a lot.
T:	So in a way it doesn't, it didn't even really make sense to you or to him, because on the one hand he's really good, good with you, and good with the father, I mean good with your child, and on the other hand it was like what is this? Something really different.
C:	Mm-hm, mm-hm, yeah and he's, he's he really helps us out. And I didn't know what to, to do with that. So that's why, that's, I guess that feeling that I have had since that happened has prompted me to call somebody to figure out what to do.
T:	What, what are your thoughts right now about some of the options out there for you to do, if, if anything? What are, what are you thinking about?
C:	I haven't talked to anybody for a year, really.
T:	You've gotten pretty isolated.
C:	Yeah. Yeah, I haven't. My parents live pretty far away, and, I guess he's kind of, my boyfriend's kind of I guess the word's jealous. He just really cares about us.
T:	Yeah.
C:	And so I haven't had a chance to really talk to people about what some ideas would be that wha, what could I do? I used to work, and I was kind of looking forward to working again. He's he's sorta made it clear that, that I don't need to work because he's gonna take care of us. He brings home diapers.
T:	Mm-hm.
C:	And gives us some money when he's around. And so, we really don't need it most of the time.
T:	Mm-hm. So you had been kinda thinking about maybe going back to work and doing, doing some of that on your, on your own. And, and yet he, he doesn't really, he's expressing that he'd like to be able to take care of you and- 
C:	Yeah.
T:	And when he's there he, he does take care of you?
C:	Yeah, yeah. And yeah he does take care of us. He's a, he's he makes sure that I have enough money for, you know, for the basic needs in the house, and he pays the rent, and you know, but when I, when he's gone and I run out of money, it just kind of, that's when I think, God I just wish I could take, do a little bit by myself, I'm just not sure.
T:	Yeah, yeah.
C:	How to go about doing that.
T:	Yeah, because that leaves you in a real bind, when you're, you're there and you don't have what you need.
C:	Mm-hm, mm-hm, and I, yeah, and I don't know who to talk to about that.
T:	Yeah.
C:	I try to call him sometimes, and make up. You know, and say sorry for the fight that we had. And sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't.
T:	Yeah. So you kind of find yourself when you're in that bind trying to find ways of, of getting, getting what you need met, and, yeah.
C:	Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. Yeah. So I don't know to do this. I mean I don't know what to do next. I'm not very good at it.
T:	I just wanna say we, we can go over some things that are potential to talk about to really focus on that might help you. But I just want to let you know that this is, I really appreciate, how hard this is to be able to talk about it and it's, it's not an easy situation and you're definitely not alone and I really appreciate your willingness to talk about it.
C:	Thanks. It's really hard to.
T:	Yeah. I know.  There are lots of different things that we can talk about that are, that, that many women in very similar situations find themselves. And things that we can talk about and focus our conversation on that might help you just sort of sort out and figure out what, if anything, that you want to do differently or how to, what your next step might be.
C:	Okay.
T:	And, and, some of those that we work with are like talking about the relationship. You've mentioned a few things about your, your relationship and how it kind of goes in and out and it's, can be really good and then he can be gone for a while, and just sort of sorting some of that out about where you are with that. We can certainly talk about resources, about the resources in the community that may be there for you or in terms of your own understanding, but also if you are in need of additional help we can talk about those.
C:	Oh. 
T:	We can talk about safety planning, I mean one of the, one of the important things is to try and help you find a way to make sure that you feel good about keeping yourself and, and your baby safe  And we can talk about that. We can talk about finances. You mentioned you were thinking about going back to work but that you were relying on him right now.
C:	Mm-hm. 
T:	We can certainly explore that a little bit more. Taking care of yourself, which- 
C:	Yeah right.
T:	Yeah, yeah. For many, many new, new moms, that's hard under any circumstances, to find a way to take care of themselves and keep themselves healthy. So that's certainly something we can talk about. And also, just the whole issue about taking care of your child, and, and your, your mothering, your parenting. How you might, how you might, focus on that and, in this situation.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	Or there might be something else that you feel is really important to deal with right up front just to start with.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	What do you think?
C:	Well, it, it's it's funny, as you're showing me this, I, I've been thinking that all I've been doing is focusing on the baby, and being a good mom, and and, and yet, I'm also trying to think about getting a job, and I don't know how those two, fit together. And even as I'm just saying that out loud, I'm not even talking about taking care of him, which is weird that I'm not even. When I look at this, these circles I, I'm looking at mothering and children and finances and that seems to be important, yet I'm spend, I spend so much time thinking about him all the time. And right now I'm not.
T:	Mm-hm. So maybe y, y, you spend a lot of time already thinking about your relationship and really struggling with w, w, what it, where, what it means and where it is.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	And now you are kinda think well maybe I oughta think about some other things and see where I might go with those. These things, if, if, a job and taking, learning how to be a better mother and might be might help the relationship so that might be. So it might be a way of focusing on how, how you might be able to take care of yourself. Get, get a job or look at the possibility of doing that, and the same time trying to incorporate your, taking care of your child. Tho, those things might help you and might free you up to figure out then what to do about the relationship.  What to do about the relationship.
C:	Yeah, what to do about the relationship. I'm not sure what to do with the relationship.
T:	Mm-hm. And, you know, you, you're the only one that, that really will know about that. About the dealing with the relationship. About what, when the timing is right for any decision that you make, one way or the other.
C:	I don't even know what to think about that. I don't know how to. 
T:	Yeah.
C:	I don't feel like I can make any decisions.
T:	Yeah. Well, and it sounds like you'd like to think about making some decisions in other areas and, and, when you think about. Was that, was that right? Would you like to focus a little bit on just the possibility of getting a job. Is that something you'd like to talk about?
C:	Yeah.And how to balance that with being a mom at the same time cuz that sounds really hard.
T:	Well, you mentioned earlier that you had kind of been thinking about going back to work- 
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	When, after the baby was born. What, what thoughts do you have about how you might go about balancing that and, and, and thinking about, thinking about that? What have you thought about?
C:	Well, I guess I think initially that I would need his help more. He would need to help take care of the baby. He didn't do that now, so I don't know, and it'd be kind of scary, that, I don't know what that would look like. So I would have to find some other help to get, to be able to go to work, even just part time.
T:	Mm-hm.
C:	So, I've got to get some child care or something.
T:	Yeah. So you might have to explore some other options for the child care and, and other ways of taking care of the, the baby so that you would be still okay about going back to work.
C:	Yeah. 
T:	Yeah.
C:	Yeah. Somebody I trusted.
T:	Yeah, yeah.
C:	And I'd have to figure out, just the timing of that and a job that would fit a schedule where I could still, breastfeed and help her with her naps and make sure that I'm there for bedtime and all those important times. But make enough money that it was worthwhile to do it.
T:	To, yeah, to be out and working and paying somebody. That sounds like a lot.
C:	Yeah.
T:	It really does sound, though, like you, you're really deeply committed to taking care of your child and providing the kind of structure and, and, and things, the basic needs, and really taking care of your child at the same time.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	Yeah, yeah.
C:	It's very important to me.
T:	Yeah. 
C:	I didn't think I was, I wanted to have children and then we did so I would like him to be a daddy in that, wow, just realized I was thinking about him not being around as a daddy and I'm not really sure what to do with that.
T:	Yeah.
C:	But the babe, the baby is the most important thing right. I didn't realize that, I'd spend so much time thinking about him all the time. And when is he gonna be back and does he love us and why the heck did he do that, that weird thing and why does he care about these other things that he cares about.
T:	Being jealous and not wanting you to have friends.
C:	Yeah, why does he. And it has nothing to do with what I'm thinking about now, which is the baby and, huh.
T:	But it's, you've mentioned that a couple times now that it's, that it sort of surprises you. They way you're thinking about it and the way you're approaching it. Like, you, you're recognizing or seeing that you have spent a lot of time really agonizing over, over the relationship and, and why things are happening in the relationship, or what it really means. You've spent a lot of time there. That kinda surprises you that you might be thinking about it differently.
C:	Mm-hm, agonizing. I guess that's what I've been doing. I feel like I've just been hoping and wishing and it seems like all my focus is always. So, when the baby's crying, I'm, I'm worrying about him, and, and and I so the baby crying is, is just, it's hard. But but if, just now talking about it, letting go of worrying about it feels kind of freeing. That I could actually think about why the baby is crying, as opposed to why is why is he not returning my calls or why did he give me that look when I, you know, talked about getting a job and things like that. It's not, so. Interesting.
T:	So, you're realizing too, how much it really takes to focus attention on the baby and to be able to do it and it's like I, I, I it's hard to do both.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	It's hard to really think about doing both.
C:	I need his help with that.
T:	Yeah. 
C:	I don't need to be worrying about him too. I don't understand what safety planning means.
T:	Well, one of the things that we, we look at is trying to help people who are in, in a situation similar to you. Where, where there might be some, where there might be some fear about something that could, that might happen, or you know. And I know you said he, he, he had indicated that he wouldn't do it again. But sometimes it really helps people to feel, to have some plans in place for what you would do if anything came up and how to get you and your baby safe if that's what needs to happen. So if he kinda got that weird look in his eye again which, actually, I've seen before, but he just never really did anything like this before.
C:	Mm-hm. It just went farther this time.
T:	Yeah, okay so like if I recognize, if I saw that look, what to do? Is that? 
C:	Yeah, 
T:	yeah and, and, and sometimes that ties in with, you know there might be places that you can go to, to get safe. There might be steps that you can take to, to really keep yourself safe. Or make sure that the baby's safe. Or people to call, or thing, just things that you can do based on what your life is like and what you, what resources you have available to you.
C:	Mm-hm. 
T:	Is that something you're interested in really exploring?
C:	Sounds kinda freaky to think that I would have to keep myself safe from somebody that says he loves me and, you know, loves the baby. Sounds a little strange.
T:	Mm-hm. Some ways it just seems like it shouldn't have to be that way.
C:	No, it shouldn't have to be that way. But it, I didn't expect him to do what he did either, so. That kinda came out of nowhere.
T:	Yeah. It really took you by surprise. It's something that you're just trying to figure out where. How does this fit and what, what does it mean?
C:	Yeah. 
T:	And what do I do with it
C:	Yeah. 
T:	How do I, how do I respond to this
C:	Yeah. 
T:	Yeah.
C:	It doesn't seem real. So I guess, thinking about, thinking about that kind of makes sense ahead of time.
T:	Yeah. Well, let me see if I, if I got it all, and then we can make some decisions about where to move from here or how to take the next step with that. And I wanna make sure I, I understand a little bit about your situation.
C:	Okay.
T:	And, this, first of all, this is the first time you've come in. This is the first time that you've had something that really happened, this incident that happened where he pushed you really, prompted you to, to take some steps. Because it's scared you.
C:	Mm hm. 
T:	Mm-hm. You have this relationship that's been kinda off and on and but he's been very supportive and helpful in terms of giving you, meeting your basic needs and the baby's basic needs and wants to take care of you.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	And, and there are times when it's really good. And there are times when you've been less sure. And this is, this incident has also made you kind of think about that.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	Some of the ways that you've been thinking about or, or thinking about it now kind of surprises you. But you're looking at thinking about the possibility of maybe working it out to go back to work a little bit. So that you can have more financial independence, if you will, or be able to take care of yourself for those times when you need to.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	And you're starting to toy with the idea of maybe it might be useful to have a really good plan to keep yourself safe. Did that kind of get it all?
C:	That, yeah, that kind of captures it all. I'm not yes, yeah. I don't know. I don't know where to start.
T:	Mm-hm, mm-hm.
C:	But I guess that's why I'm talking to you.
T:	Yeah, yeah. So, maybe we can, we can take that next step and, and and. When, when, when we get together again and we can do that. We can just take the next step and start looking at some planning for both of those, in both of those areas.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	For keeping yourself safe. And, and for, you know, looking at the possibilities. Cuz there are options and resources out there should you choose to, to, to make the decision to go back to work.
C:	Mm-hm.
T:	There are some options for you.
C:	So, there's like a good, somebody can help me work on my resume or something like that?
T:	Yeah, there, there are other options for, for, for a variety of things and we can make some, have some discussions about that.
C:	Okay, okay. 
T:	How does that sound?
C:	That sounds good. That'd be nice.
T:	Well, I, I really appreciate again your coming in today. And we will follow up with this conversation and in you, you will have,