The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1842-05-20 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

How TO DISPUSE A MOl3:—Pitill round a tontribueo2.
box.

" Be collected," as the printer said to a huge batch of
newspaper bills, vat vasn't paid, lying at the bottom of his
desk.

A BUSINESS HINT.—CaII on a man of business in busi-
ness hours, only on business ; transact your busiusss, and
go about your business, in order to give him time io finis
his business.

.STRAWBERRY HILL.—THE CARDINAL'S HAT.—Mr. G.
Rob!ns is pleased to say that this hat was " lying dormant '
for eight reigns, from Henry VIII. to James 11. If so, it has
to boast of a prodigious long NAP ; lt we stilt think it will
not be found worth much after having been exposed to so
Many REIGNS.

Curran and his friend 13. were walking through the Borough
one day when a cart load of bar-iron passing in the road in-
terrupted the conversation with its metallic clatter. " That's
pretty music," said B. " Yes (said Curran), ironically

speaking

AVARICE.—If you should ask avarice, " Who is thy
father ?" it would say, Distrust in the care of the Provi-
deace of the Omnipotent ;" and if you should ask," What is
thy occupation?" it would say, "The acquisition of mean-
ness and vileness ;” and if you should ask of its end, it would
answer, " Calamity, and diappointment, and bondage."—
From the Persian.

LEGAL ELOQUENCE.—The following thrilling specimen
of bar oratory in the Far West will delight and astonish our
readers. Nothing can exceed the exquisite touch of natural
and genuine feeling at the end. " Judge, give us a chew of
your tobacco !" " Gentleman of the Jury :—Can you for an
instant suppose that my client here, a man that allers sus-
tained a high depredation in society, a man you all on you
respect for his many and good quantities; yes, gentleman,
a man who never drinks more than a quurt of likker a day ;
can you, I say, for an instant suppose that this ere man
would be guilty of hookin' a box of pershushun caps ?
Rattlesnakes and coonskins forbid ! Pieter to yourselves,
gentlemen, a feller fast asleep in his log cabin, with his inno-
cent wife and orphan children by his side—all natur hushed
in deep repose, and nought to be heard but the muttering of
the silent thunder and the hollerin of the bull frogs ; then
imagine to yourselves a feller sneaking up to the door like a
despicable hyena, softly entering the dwelling of the peace-
ful and happy family, and, in the most mendacious and das-
tardly manner, hookin' a whole box of percushnns! Gentle-
men, I will not, I cannot dwell upon the monstrocity le such
a scene ! And now, gentlemen, after this ere brief view of
the case, let me intreat of you to make up your minds can-
didly and impartially, and give us such a verdict as we might
reasonably expect from such an enlightened and intolerant
body of our fellow-citizens—remembering that, in the lan-
guage of Nimrod, who fell in the battle of Bunker-hill, it is
better that ten innocent men escape, rather than one amity
should suffer. Judge, give us a chew of your tobacco." I
FRE*CH IDEAS OF ENGLISH SPORT.--After horses,
greyhounds, foxes, pigeons, and bull-dogs, we at length come
to boxers—the last clast of sport, which holds brutes in
greater esteem than men ; for do not fancy that this classifi-
cation is the effect of chance, and of a sense as shame or
disgust. Not so ; the English do nothing without an inten-
tion ; they never blush at what they do, and are enraptured
with great delight at the hideous sight of two desperate box-
ers. Thus the last rank allotted in the hierarchy of sport
to those ignoble fights proves only that if they tremble when
their horse has caught a cold, they have somewhat less feeling
when they behold a man's ribs knocked in. In those com-
bats everything is opprobrious and repulsive—ay, everything,
from the teethless mouth and the brutal looks of those de-
graded beings, to the preparations and precautions destined to
prolong the combat. Each second brings his champion a pail
of water, a large horse sponge, and a bottle of brandy or wine.
The heroes are stripped to the waist, and, at first, totter, as
much from fear as from drunkenness : but the murmurs of
the spectators soon warn them that they have not come to
witness mere childish play. Vanity then prevails over fear,
and the combat becomes serious. At every tooth that drops,
at every rib that breaks, at every eye that falls out, there
are voices that shout " Bravo !" and hands that applaud.
The struggle has already lasted an hour; the boxers are ex-
hausted ; they can scarcely stand ; their faces are bruised
and covered with blood ; their bodies present but a huge sore.
But they have not yet rested and assailed one another above
50 times, and a proper combat must be renewed at least 60 or
70. Their seconds apply the sponge to the flowing blood,
wash their eyes, noses, and ears, pour wine or brandy down
their throats ; and the blows resound again, until one of them,
panting, exhausted, almost dead, falls down to get up no
more. And yet the crowd is often dissatisfied ; often does it
cry that there has been treachery or cowardice—instead of
one corpse it would have two. This is the ugly side of sport
in England, for it is not the populace only that encourages
these loathsome spectacles ; the most elegant men blush not
to witness them, and to speculate upon the fists of a boxer
with the same coolness as they speculate upon a horse's legs.
In this department of sport we shall never be on a level with
the English, and we can but congratulate ourselves upon it.—
La Presse.

A HANGING JUDGE.—The Baron, unlike many men of
worldly fame, deserved his reputation. To hang was, with
him, not so much a duty as a passion. Early in life he had
been possessed with the solemn impulse. When at school,
all his pocket-money was expended to purchase dogs and cats,
to be treated according- to his early principle of justice; in
familiar phrase, hanged. His tree of social liberty was the
tree that grew at Tyburn ; the Gordion knot of policy, a
nice_ new hempen halter. The black cap was the cap he

would have always worn: he never felt so easy, warm, and
truly comfortable as when it graced his head. He could have
gone to bed in it ! Strange it was that the cap, like the hid-
den spring in some garden statues, no sooner touched the
Baron than it drew water down his cheeks : though seem-
ingly only a piece of stone before. Baron Sus-per-toll
played from the bench on the prisoner in the dock a very
fountain of symathy. He never hanged but he cried ;
and, as be never lost an opportunity. of hanging, we may
conclude that, like ladies in hysterics, crying did him a
world of good. The end of poor Baron Sus-per-coll—
for he died (for a judge) at the untimely age of eighty-four,
and really in the full possession of all tire faculties left
him, was hastened by his aqueous feelings. He had passed
sentence upon a miscreant—a famishing weaver—who had
stolen a dish of giblets from a poulterer's, and the Baron
had wept exceedingly. Unfortunately, he had come on the
circuit with a new servant, and the domestic had failed to
dry his lordship's ermine for the next day's busifaess. The
robe was, as usual, drenched with tears ; it was the winter
circuit, and the damp struck to the baron's chest. It was
plain that he was about to depart for a world which he had
done all in his judicial power to render populous. Still, he
rallied nobly ; but happening in the same circuit to hoe a
maiden assize, the unexpected blow concluded the work.
With a sickly, mortal smile, Baron Sus-per-ceal received the
white gloves, and immediately took to his bed: For en hour
or two before his death his senses wandered ; for he insisted
upon having the black cap brought to his bedside, then put it
upon his head, sat bold upright, and commenced, in the most
pathetic terms, passing sentence upon himself ! He first be-
gan by condemning himsel as an old and hardened offewies ;
congratulated himself thatohe had been tried by an infielSble
and enlightened jury ; congratulated the country that he
himself would be hanged, for he was a pest, a blot, an ulcer
to society : and then conjured himself to make the most of
the time that remained to him ; forbidding himself to hope
for the least mercy in this world, but to trust only to the
mercy of the next. He then, wiping his eyes very often with
the sheet, said that nothing more remained to himself but to
pass sentence upon himself : that the sentence was, that he
should be taken to whence he came, and hanged by the neck
until he was dead. " And Mr. Baron Sus-per-toll," these
were the Baron's last delirious words, " may the Lord have
mercy on your soul !" Saying this the judge laid himself
upon his pillow, and, the black cap still upon his head, died !
—Jerrold's Cakes and Ale.

MILITARY EQUIPMENT OF THE CHINESE.—The weapons
of the mandarins consist of a sword, similar to that used by
the ancient Romans, with a short straight blade, the scab-
bard being ornamented according to the fancy of the bearer.
This is invariably carried on the right side, in order to pre-
vent that weapon from getting entangled with the slings of
the quiver for arrows, which is fastened round the waist by
a handsomely embroidered belt, and hangs on the left side.
The quiver is made of leather appropriately ornamented, and
has generally a species of sabretache attached to it, in which
the bow is placed ; some of which 1 have seen with a hinge in
the centre, to admit of being folded up into a smaller space.
The arrows are of various lengths, some armed with a ball at
the end perforated with holes, which in their progress through
the air, causes a whistling noise, and is supposed to strike
terror into the hearer; the points are barbed, hooked, and
broad-headed, while the butt is generally decorated with
bright coloured, feathers, those of the Tartar pheasant being

most esteemed, and used by the mandarins only

The arm;

of the soldiers' are shields, matcliTocit;,sPea'rs, bows and
arrows, and double swords. The only kind of armour Is a
round cap, made of rattan, painted with a huge pair of eyes,
and well calculated to ward off the blow of a sword ; some-
times the soldiers wear a cap similar to that of the mandarin*
without any button. The shields are of different sizes, made
also of rattan, containing a ring inside sufficiently large to
pass the arm through, and, a little further In, a bar to lay
bold of. They are generally painted with a devil's, or some
such fascinating animal's face, intended to intimidate tie be.
holder. These shields are not bullet-proof to a close shot,
but no sword can either pierce or cut through them. The
matchlock is, as nearly as possible, the old European weapon
of the same name. It is not held in the same estimation by
the Chinese as the bow, from its dadger to thehearer in con-
sequence of the liability of the match either to ignite his
clothes or to blow up his powder-pouch, which is carried
round the waist in a cotton or leather case, conteiting four.
teen or sixteen wooden tubes, each holding a loose chuff;
close quarters,
The pouch is adorned with a representation to resembre-i
tiger's face, and from the careless manner in Which th 130
der is carried, the probability of theh
self up, is extremely great. Their spears are 11 m.
sizes, and shapes, with which, in coming to all kinds
we found that they inflicted most
vourite pattern of them is a long broad blade.wounds ; the fa.
pikes, and a species of straight scythe, They also use
short in proportion to the length of. With a handle Tell
the blad
Narrative. e•—dfackensit's
horrid
darer blo e
hi w.

NEWSPAPERS AND THEIR READERs An American
journal thus classifies the grumbling subscribers tonewspa-
pers, who would each like to have a print to himself, and
filled with the information he particularly affects. The silliest
and most unjust of all cries is,
" Stop my paper," which is
generally resorted to by
something over which he had no controul, or which could not
i
way of punishing the printer for
be otherwise. In the variety of readers of all ages, sil"' an,,
tastes, we shall adhere to our transatlantic contemee.aribt;
plan, as the best and most practicable. " How endless is
variety of newspaper readers, and how hard it is to.s.,n,
their wants ! Mr. A. believes he shall discontinue his B i pa-
perdec
because it contains no political news. MP too freely
dedly of opinion that the same sheet dabbitieson't take it,
in the political movements of the dal. C. Bono opinion it
because it is all on one side; and D., it is not severe
generally expresses, does not like it bees
enough upon the opposition. E. thinksg.
no cannot bear the
attention to fashionable literature; all suffer a paper to
Floes not pay duo
flims notions of idle writers.
li on his table which ventures W exile that lacks moral eon..
G. ress an opinion against
considers that paper
slavery; and H. never patroneil.,°.
.1. declares he does not
rage to expose the evils of tI2 „"_;',,„affe doings and undoings
of the congress and legiskiatu reatest quantity of such pro-
want a paper filled with the areocsanra-3.
the best which gives .tile gthe papers for the light and
ceedings. K. patronises
tevc
b onta;rl; and L. wonders thot the
lively reading which •Dewey's sermons, and other ' solid
press does not pui
wil not read a newspaper that does not
matter.' IVI. of sectarianism ; and N. is decidedly of
expose the evils p 0 , it,
and not the press, should meddl•
opinion that the 0. likes to read police reports • and
,
with religious dermas.appetite is seldom mor IC , would not
r.,
whose e silly reports are printed in his have
a
. tiles house! paperin which
anecdotes, and R. won't take a paper hi la -Q.
w publishes
likes, says that murders and dreadful -
accidents ought
tneta• t in papers ; and S. c
to be Pucomplains that this • misers-
not r zave no account of that h.
We stops Lis , paper because it ighway robbery last week.
Ir• stopssandall that se contains nething but adver-
tisements,
for sale. •
X will not take his is to see what there is
door before sunrise, and Y.
jiaper unless it is left at his
declares that he will not pay for
it if left so early, as it is
stolen
is up. And last of all from his domicile before be
who declare the paper come the complaints of the ladies—
uninteresting, because it does not con-
tain a long list of ma • i riages—
just as-if it were possible for the
poor printer to marry. people without a commission, and whe-
ther the parties • will or not. But the variety of newspaper
readers is
eaders is too great for the present review—and we ' give
'em up, with a determination _ to pursue the ' even tenor of
our way,' in offering to the public such readings as, in our
humble opinion, Will prove most illtenliting to them.".