The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1842-04-15 00:00:00

JONATHANISMS

DlALOGUE.,—Quilp—Digby, why was Charles Lis
" merriest" days like the steam-ship Acadia ? Digby—
Bother me if I know. Quilp—Because be was a royal male
steamer I

Digby, on seeing a beautifully-executed inscription on a
church hell lately cast b
glad to perceive a y Holbrook, observed that he was
growing taste for bell letters.
The editor of the New Hampshire Arqus has presented
to his readers a rooster which, we think, must take the pre-
mium: He has a tail like an ostrich, spurs Eke daggers, and
an aspect terrible as that of an incensed eagle. Be is
mounted on an empty cider barrel, and crows in a tone which
makes a poor forlorn-looking 'coon that lies crouching be-
neath him howl with affright.

The Richmond Star tells us of a little boy who insists
that the reason his father calls his mother " boney," is be-
cause she has so much comb in her head.,

ARISTOCRATICAL,—The senate of the state of Tennessee
have passed a resolution to the effect that no member shall
be allowed to smoke tobacco in the senate chamber during
the session.

Jeff, in the height of his indignation at some boys who
had stolen every apple in his orchard, swore he would have
them indicted for high trees-on.
A fellow was once asked what inference he could draw
from the test in Job—" And the asses snuffed up the east
wind." " Well," he replied, " the only inference that I can
drawls this, that it would be a long time before they would
grow fat upon it:"

" It's a: wonder you 're not drunk," said a wag to Du-
crow, the famous equestrian. " What do you mean ? " re-
turned he, indignantly. " Why," chuckled the former,
" you 're a tumbler full of spirits, I fancy !"
MORPHIC SAYING.—The true soul does not recognise
circumbendibus—it scouts curvilinears—it reaches its goal
across lots; nor is it impeded by walls or five-barred fences;
these material hindrances, selfishness-begotten, find no pa-
rallel in boundary between the virtues.

One of the Washingtonians tells the following good story:
—`• He served his time at the grocery business, with a dea-
con, who was in the habit of making his own port wine, from
whom he often had orders to go up and grind some log-wood,
as the port wine was most out.' One Sunday the deacon
was hard at work over a large cask with a pole in his hand,
stirring up the home-made port wine, when a member of the
same church entered unobserved. After looking with asto-
nishment for some minutes, he exclaimed, ' Hallo! deacon,
what are you doing?' The deacon jumped round in great
confusion, and, after a little hesitation, replied, Why, I
was afraid I might get off in a boat some of these times, and
I was learning how to scull 1' "

I don't like new docks in opposition to old docks. They
arc not orthodox.

The new railroad can't proceed for want of proceeds.
Is that Greenwich or Woolwich? I don't know which.
Where is the pray Ab, just as I prognosticated.
How can the oars run fowl, when they feather 'em ?
Sex signifies nothing in ships. We may say our three
masters are mistresses of the ocean.

Lieutenant Luff's half pay don't half pay his debts.
Admiring a man's gait and not his style.
What letter used to be distributed at tournaments? Ans
—Large S (largess).

What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? Ans.
—X PD NC (expediency).
Why is a bird of Jove when sick like contraband goods ?
Ans.—lt is an ill eagle (illegal).
If a tough beefsteak could speak, what British poet would
it name ? Ans.—Chato sir (Chaucer).

What word makes you sick if you leave out one of the let-
ters ? Music.

What sea would make a good sleeping room ? Ana.—Adri.
atic (a dry attic).

Why i; a short negro negro like a white man ? Because
he is not a tall black.

In what part of London should Quakers lire ? Ans.—ln
Hatton•garden.
" You have a turn for music,

as the monkey said to the

organ-grinder

I can cure you," as the smoky house said to the ham

FIRE THIS MORNING

Just as we were going to press, a