The Statesman.
London, England, 1821-07-28 00:00:00

TAR STAGS,
ALIAS Tat " MaI:LA R" DRAMA, ALIAS *HE PIISSOIT

SCHOOL.
TO THE THE EDITOR OF THE STATESMMT;

Ste—The following most satirical and limiting
composition wis sent per the twopenny-post to a cer-
tain most learned, most talented, and most tisignijfetisi
" 'mu LAR" Thespian Monarch, by some anonymous
assassin. His Majesty read a line or two of it, and
then, with dignified indignation, dung it away—
when it was picked up by my little invisible friend,
who brought it to me. Such a satyric wretch ought
to be exposed as a warning to other radical rascals,
who might dare to attack the Legitimate Drama; there-
fore I expect that you will publish it. In the
envelope was written the following impertinent memo-
randum:

Sir—As you are about to close for the season, and
as 1 know you are dying to give the " beastly public"
a proper " blowing ■p, I present you the herewith,
which is, I fancy, "just Me cut."
To --- Tour's,
—........_
AN ADDRESS,

,••••IN.

To be spoken on closing the Theatre Roysl Covent Garden,
for the Season. Anno Doefni, MIL
_ _

To bedelisered by the celebrated iTsuestsross dressed, in
hts Ass's Ears, and Ms Motley Garments.

As selfish lawyers, when they know a ease
Is hopeless quite, with hypocritie bee.
Whilst the gull'd client will a guinea bleed—
Persuade the thick-seell'd mule—he mast averted ;
And to evade detection, meanly try.
By shift, manwarre,art(fiee, aid lie,
The plunder'd booby to cajole—till be
No longer will cajoi'd or plunder'd be :
Found out at last, a quarrel pick, and lost
To all but AVARICIL, serve their—bill of cost ;
So we, good folks. by TOU. detected quite,
Demand, insist, that you'll this very night.
" Down on the nail" those " (minas" pay for—we
have let you have for—baga centrry.
(Symptoms of amazement are expressed by the
Audience, which motley mimics and.gibes )
You stare, let's ask you, do performers live,
Think you. on what they yet—or what they sive I
Of course. we know, that siring is the way
Oar gee row friends—traria—rents and taxes pay.
(With a satirical bow and a sneer.—
Some of the Audience clap.)
Ah, no—good people—what we gave, was bait
Of little fishes, to entrap—the great.
But now, we find, this WHALtfATtlillNe wont do—
We'll hardly cuidescend to latter—vou.
Flatter, indeed, instead of kitting, I
Like a bated w—, will " blow you up sky high,"
(Bursts of satirical laughter, sad Cries of
" Bravo, do Motley, do.")
You know, right well you do, of all the carat
Bad Seasons that we've had, this was the woes? ;
And, that altho' we'd certainly a few
That's deceit houses, they were cramm'd with—what
+The same old " swells and dandies—punk and flash—
Benes--orders--renters--ev'ry thing but—cask.
(Several hisses from the ladies In the Upper Boxes.
Cries from the Gods of " Alt, w--.")
This night we close:—and sorry I'm to say,
Our ;robed' roes talents have been thrown away,
Upon a " beastly politic f"—who respect—
As much as az detest NreLLICT
Upon a public, who'd prefer in speech
To hear an Author—rather than in screech,
And shake, and cadence:—who, forsooth. cannot
Conceive a Play 's a Play, without a—PLOT ;
Upon a public, who would actors make,
A thimy they *e'er eau do, like NATURE: speak:
Who've dar'd our tragedy call " roar and rant,"
Our pathos, weleing—declametion, rail ;
Upon a public, who have not the least
Regard for "gaystery"—nor for " bombast" taste;
But who'd, Oh, monstrous—l'm sure, rather see
Than Tan av, Shakespeare—or, " Tom Miry", than
me !

(Struts with great importance, admires his motley
garments, and rubs up his asses ears.)
[Convulsions of laughter.
Where's fled that dainty appetite you had
For dear Sir Watty, and his pipes and plaid ?
Why you become tasenstbie, and feel
I%io more for lovely Foote. nor tender Shiel.
Callous )ou*r quite to Liston's beauteous pbiz—
And Farren feels you've lost all gout for big.
So. that in fact, good friends. the only way
We'ss left to punish, 11-TO OMIT TOL! PAT
(CM trial hissing awl hooting.—The Audience ha re
every appearance of an 0. P.—He comes
forward and bows with great submissiveness.)
My IRIENDII, sit still.—•ooe moment, by the way,
We actors don't do every thing we say.
What I intended for to say was this :
That if you did NOT FAT—you did uox—Ain.
That if you clapt 'teas oily that you might
Another bone expect. another—night.
And if it cost you any-thing. I fear,
We'd neer bare seen year frightful/mots—HERE!

[Exit amidst universal hisses.
B.

• " Toucnrroxe."-1 suppose the satyrical rascal, by
" TOUCUSTONE," omens the inimitable actor, author, trans-
later and viceroy. whose portrait adorns Dan o:berry's
Edition of " As You Like It."
The last effort of expiring gentility, Is cutting up old
fashion'd query into new fashioned frippery. Such have
been the expiring efforts of Managers, faulting up " Shake-
speare's" into " Eisner's ;" and " Farquhar's" into
'• Ware's." A kind of taming old clothes, and boxing them
up with new buttons sod trimmings.
• " NATCRE."—Nothing provokes the " raaronnans"
•
so much as to tell them they should imitate nature; a thing
totally beyond their capacities. As with a portrait painter,
so it Is with the actor, the great art Is to take a correct like-
ness; but the pool players, conscious that they ran do no
such thing, instead of attempting to give a likeness, strive to
attempt a csatcniu as. the high colouring and bedaubing of
which, is, with your permission—" EFFECT."
"t" Tom King" the once celebrated Comedian, famous in
ouchstone;' but he would never answer for the "Pre-
sent School," as I apprehend be did not understand " se-
race so well as thepresent—" Alotley" ! ! I
Noets.—An Address for the other house is in
" active preparation."
The frequenters of the Regular Drama, of course
know, that whenever the Audience attempt to mur-
mur, the Stage-Manager, or Viceroy, comes forward
to bully them. I have various Anecdotes on this sub-
ject for hereafter.
The above address is a description very little ex-
aggerated. I have seen and heard very nearly as bad.