The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1833-05-07 00:00:00

VAItIETIES.

THE SCHOOLMASTER'S PROGRESS.—A boy was lately asked
who killed Abel ? He promptly . replied, General Jackson.—
This equals the catechetical exhibition of a lad once living in
the wildest region of the Green Mountains :—" Into what state
did the fall bring mankind ?" asked the teacher. With a most
rueful expression of countenance, the urchin brawled out—
" Varmount !"—Americae Paper.

COALS, &c.—lt is deserving of notice, that the importation
of coals, cinders, and culm, into the metropolis rather de-
creased than increased between the years 1826 and 1831; for,
in the former year, it was 1.600,22-9 chaldrons, in the. three
subsequent years it fell much below that quantity, and in 1831,
daring the latter nine months of which the repeal of duties took
place, it scarcely more than recovered its former maximum.
Even last year, when the effect of the repeal was in full vigour
and the prices of the articles were uncommonly low, the in-
creased consumption was not more than four and a half per
cent.; viz., from 1,604,151 to 1,677,708 chaldrons. A renus-
sion of duty, averaging nearly ss. 3d. per chaldron, and an
increased population of not less than 150,000 souls seem to
have had but a trivial effect indeed on the consumption of fuel
in the metropolis. if all this be a specimen of fructfication,
it points, alas! at but one species in the genus—that of fructi-
fication of distress.

HUMAN FELlclTY.—Abderame or Abdairaham the Third,
the great Caliph of Cordova, left in his own hand this esti-
mate of the value of earthly grandeur and felicity :—Fifty
years have I reigned. Macs, honours, pleasures, I have
enjoyed them all—exhausted them all. The kings, my rivals,
fear me, yet esteem me. All that men desire has been lavished
on me by heaven. In this long space of apparent felicity I
have calculated the number of days in which I have been
really happy—they amount to fourteen. Mortals, learn how
to appreciate greatness, the world, and life.—Miserrimus
( Notes).
INFLUENZA AMONG THE PLEAS.—The exhibitor of fleas is
said to be greatly embarrassed by the prevailing epidemic : so
many of his fleas have been put to bed of influenza,lhat he
has with great difficulty been able to keep together a sufficient
number of performers to represent the Siege of Antwerp with
proper effect. The Siege of is, moreover, a dangerous
service : in running up the scaling-ladders many are killed by
the discharge of the guns. The proprietor complains grievously
of his loss of killed and wounded. His actors cost him three-
pence each.
VINEYARDS.L-Von Meyerflky, a landowner at Pesth, in
Hungary, is completing a vineyard in that vicinity, which will
probably be the largest ever known in Europe. Its superficial
area is nearly four hundred acres, and its produce, even in mo-
derately favourable seasons, will not be short of five and twenty
thousand aulms, or 375,000 English gallons ! As a receptacle
fur this produce, the grower is erecting a cellar sufficiently spa-
cious to receive double the quantity, which is equal to nine
months' consumption of Irish spirit by English throats. Mey-
erffky's brother, too, is by no means a small dealer in this
branch of the liquor trade; for he is on the eve of starting a
rival to the famous sire of Heidelberg; scilicet, a tun made en-
tirely of marble, and capable of containing 63,000 gallons.
ANECDOTE OF THOMAS PAINE, OR THE HISTORY OF A
POCKET BIBLE.—Mr. Paine was very fond of company; but
his habits being rather intemperate, his chief associates at this
time were mostly among the second orders in society. He
boarded in the house of William Carver, a blacksmith, at the
corner of Cedar and Temple-streets. As Carver and the writer
were journeymen in the same shop, I often used to spend the
evening conversing with Mr. Paine; he had seen much of men
and their manners; had a clear, strong head, (but as
thought,) a very unsound heart. Politics and religion were
the chiet topics of our discourse. We agreed on the former;
on the latter we differed, but always in a friendly way. One
evening he was describing, in his unusul strong manner, the
mischiefs, (as he termed it,) produced in Society by the Bible
and its followers.—Says I, Mr. P., the first night I slept in
America, was on a hard mattress laid on the floor of a close
garret in a a hot night in the warm month of June—the place
swarmed with mosquitoes and other domestic animals, and when-
ever sweet sleep approached, they drove her from my pillow—
sore, feverish, and sunk in spirit, I rose by break of day to
while away the time till the family got up. I commenced un-
packing my box of books—l opened the first book that came
to hand, merely to see if it had received any injury by con-
finement in the hold of the vessel for so many weeks—mv eye
lit on the words—My Son—(this book was in two small vol-
umes ; often when I went to see Mr. Paine, I put it in my
pocket to set him. right when he misquoted a passage)—having
the book by me, I asked, and he assented to hear it. read : it
was the third. chapter of proverbs—we sat with the table be-
tween us—his eyes fixed on my face till I had done. Now, says
I, Mr. Paine, put yourself in my situation—a poor, sick
stranger, just entering on the untried scenes of life without
a pilot, and conceive, if you can, a set of instructions more
suitable—why, sir, it drove away my fever and my fears—l
went forth to commence my new career with a leart as light as
a feather trusting-in Him who hangs creation on his aria and
feeds her at his board. He heard without interruption, when
patting me on the head, with a good natured smile,-," All !"
says he, " but thou art a young enthusiast." So we parted for
the night.