The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1851-08-05 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

Douglas Jerrold wonders what the poor little royal children
tave done that they should be made to learn the Gaelic dialect.

QUEItY.-If the practice of wearing men's apparel becomes
general with the ladies, what is to become of the side-saddles?
When does a man look like a cannon-ball ?—When he looks
round.

The cause of the decline of the stage is now attributed to the
increase of omnibuses.

If you can be well without health, you may be happy without
virtue.

It is always safe to learn, even from our enemies—seldom
safe to venture to instruct even our friends.

An English actor, on visiting the Niagara Falls, wrote home—
"Oh, what a fall is here, my countrymen !"
An attorney in the country advertises for a young lad that
can write a legible hand and read illegible writing.
Good temper is like a sunny day; it sheds a brightness over
everything. It is the sweetner of toil, and the soother of dis-
quietude.
Hannah More said to Horace Walpole: "If I wanted to
punish an enemy, it should be by fastening on him the trouble
of constantly hating somebody."
In walking, always turn your toes out and your thoughts in-
wards. The former will prevent you from falling into cellars,
the latter from falling into iniquity.
Lord Lindsey before he charged, at the battle of Edge Hill,
made this short prayer : "O, Lord, Thou knowest how busy
I must be this day ; if I forget Thee, do not Thou forget me?"
A TAILOR'S REsoLvc.—A tailor, who, in skating, fell through
the ice, declared that he would never again leave his hot goose
for a cold duck.

" Bob, is that doz. a hunter?"—" No ; he's half hunter and
half setter—he hunts hones when he's hungry, and 'sets' by the
fire when he's satisfied."

A young lady was told by a married one that she had better
throw herself into the river than marry. "So I would," re-
plied she, "if I thought I should find a husband at the bottom."
The sexton of Salisbury cathedral was telling Charles Lamb
that eight persons bad dined together upon the top of the
spire, upon which he remarked that " they must have been
sharp set."
CONUNDRUM FOR THE CRYSTAL. PALACE.—WiIy are the
Russian malachites in the Great Exhibition like young gentle-
men who have just come into a lot of money? Because they
are all green and gold.—Punch.

A man with eleven daughters, was complaining that he found
it difficult to Ii ve. "You must husband your time," said
another, "and then you will do well enough." I could do
much better," was the reply, " if I could husband my daughters."
" Father," said a roguish boy, " I hope you won't buy any
more gunpowde," tea for mother." " Why not ? " " Because
every time she drinks it she blows us up." "Go to bed, sir,
immediately."
INFLUENCE OF SCOTTISH MUSIC.—An A merican paper says:
—" If the Scotch bagpipes be played occasionally for a few
days in any place infested with rats, they will immediately quit
the premises, and never return."

•
A young man asked his governor for some money, as he
wanted to go out of town to recruit his health. " Recruit your
health!" exclaimed the old captain; "well, then, here 's a
shilling, that is all we pay for recruiting in the army."

The Nee; York Spirit of the Union (at the suggestion, pro-
bably, of a young lady in her teens) has a column of extracts
headed each week as follows :—" Atoms on the literary atmo-
sphere, and shells on the shore of the book ocean."
WHITED SEPULCHRES.— How many persons in the world
resemble a mummy case, emblazoned with gilt and paint, but
within empty, or full of "dead men's bones and all unclean-
ness."

How many mighty volumes could I point out to you, the
whole purpose of which is to reconcile the mind to some mani-
fest contradiction, or to disprove some self-evident truth !
Aitkin.

A bricklayer, not many miles from Leeds, the other day
asked his labourer if he thought of going to London to see the
Exhibition, to which he repled, " Nay, I think I'll stop in old
England !"
WITTY RETORT.—Curran being angry in a debate one day,
put his hand on his heart, saving : " I am the trusty guardian
of my own honour." "Then," replied Sir Boyle Roach, " I
congratulate my honourable friend on the snug sinecure to
whi,!ii he has appointed himself."
Formerly, it was the maxim, that a young woman should
never be married until she had spun herself a full set of linen.
Hence all unmarried women have been called spinsters, an ap-
pellation they still retain in certain deeds and law proceedings,
though many are not entitled to it.
YOUNG LA NCASHIRE.—A gentleman, riding towards Chow-
bent, and seeing a boy in the road, shouted out to him, "My
lad, am I half way to Chowbent." Young Lancashire looked
up at the querist, and said, " Halt con aw tell, tha' foo, when I
doon't know wheear ta' coom fra ?" Man and horse vanished.
An Irish insolvent. an artificial fly manufacturer, who was
examined in one of the London insolvent courts, last week,
excused himself for not having kept accounts by ssying that
he had been bred a gentleman, and " despised himself for
having to earn his bread."
A rogue asked charity, on pretence of being dumb. A lady
having asked him, with equal simplicity and humanity, how
long he had been dumb, he was thrown off his guard and an-
swered. " From birth, madam." " Poor fellow," said the
lady, and gave him a shilling.
DERIVATION OF HONEYMOON.—It WAS the custom of the
higher order of Tentones, a people who inhabited the northern
part of Europe, to drink mead or metheglin, a beverage made
with honey, for thirty days after every wedding. From this
custom comes the expression, " to spend the honeymoon."
"Where was I, Ma," said a little urchin one day to his
mother, as he stood gazing upon his drunken prostrate father,
"where was I when you married Pa? Why didn't you take
me along with you ? I could have picked out a better man than
he is !"
SIMPLE SClENCE.—Juvenile : "Papa, I've spilt the butter
all over the new table cover."—Papa : Rub the solid portion
briskly with some wollen fabric, my dear."—Juvenile: " But
what good will that do, papa ?"—Papa (clearing his throat):
" Why, friction generates caloric, which volatilises the olea-
ginous particles of the stearine matter!"
To be sold, a thrashing machine, in good working order.
Has birch, cane, and strap barrels. Warranted to lick a school
of fifty boys in twenty minutes, distinguishing their offences
into literary, moral, and impertinent. Only parted with be-
cause the owner has flogged all his school away, and his sons
are too big to beat. Apply at the College of Preceptors.
On the steam-boat St. Louis, not long since, a raw Hoosier
came on board. At night the Hoosier turned into his berth
with his boots on. The steward seeing this, said, "Sir, you
have laid down in your hoots." The raw one raised Ibis head,
and looking down at the boots, innocently replied, " Well, it
won't hurt 'm ; they ain't the best I've got."
A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth
of weak intellect, thus accosted him : • John, people say you're
a fool." John replied, " I don't know that I am, sir;" littics
some things, sir, and some things I don't know, sir." "
John, what do you know ?" I know that millers have ant
hogs, sir; I don't know whose corn they e4ttsir."

.-•-

SAN Uovr GARMENT.-Dr. Hynchliffe ,who died Bishop of
Peterborough, was extremely apt at checking these who were
fond of cavilling at the meaning of different texts of scripture.
On being asked what was to be understood by the expression,
"'He clothed himself with curses as with a garment," " The
clearest thing in the world," replied the doctor. " The man
had a habit of swearing."

'OLD TRAVELLINO.—A describer of England• in the reign of
William 111. speaks of it as excelling all .other nations in the
ecelveniency of coaches, especially of stage.eoaches. He says:
"Here one may be transported without over•violent motion,
and sheltered from the injuries of the air, to the most noted
places in England ; with so much speed, that some of these
coaches will reach above fifty miles in a summer day!"
•
MONEY AND EnucATtoN.—Anecdotes of the miser Elwes
are common, but the subjoined we do not•remember to have
seen before. The respectable skinflint here openly expressed
what English society has sneakingly acted -upon for many
years :—When the rich miser, Elwes, who left about a million
of money to be divided between his two sons, was advised to
Five them some education, his answer was: " Putting things
into people's heads, is taking money out of their pockets."
" Father, I hate that Mr. Smith," said a.beauty the other
day, to her honoured parent. " Why -so, my daughter?"
" Because he always stares at me so hard when meets me in
the street." "But, my child, how do you know that Mr. Smith
stares at you?" " Why, because I have repeatedly • seen him
do it." Well, Julia, don't you ever look at the impudent
man again when you meet him, and then he may stare his eyes
out without annoying you in the least. Remember that it
always takes two pair of eyes to make a perfect stare."—
" Ahem—well—l—l believe you're right, pa!"

JENNY LIND'S GENIUS DEFICIENT : "CAN'TS/lUCK CORN."
—At the conclusion of the last concert of Miss Lind, a worthy
farmer from Jackso❑ county, in this tate, thus expressed
himself to an old acquaintance :—" Well, she's an almighty
screamer, and a darn'd pretty gal at that. She's the very
image, too, of Sally Jones, Parson Joncg's daughter, -who is
counted the best singer in old Jackson. But Sally can beat
-her shucking corn, I warrant you. You never seed Sally
.shuck? " " No, I never did." " Well, you ort'en !" The
:acquaintance mentally conceded the question, that if Miss
Lind is a" screamer," she can't shuck corn;- at least with
--Sally Jones.—St. Louis Times.
A PUGNACIOUS SPOUSE.—At the Loughborough Petty-Ses-
sions, on Thursday, an elderly female, who charged two young
fellows with making her a black eye on Saturday night, was
asked by the solicitor of the defendants whether she would
swear that her black eye was not made by her own husband?
She replied, "No; my husband never struck me in his life;
•whenever there has been anything amiss between him and me,
have struck him, but he has never touched me." This state-
ment was made with considerable warmth, and caused the ma-
gistrates and every person in court to laugh heartily. Whether
it would have produced a similar effect on the meek-tempered
husband, had he been present, we cannot tell.