The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1835-09-25 00:00:00

THE SPINSTER'S PROGRESS.

(From the John Bull.)
The following has been sent to us—whether it be original or
not, we cannot pretend to say. It is droll in its way, and though
a little overstrained, is nut the worse for the dash of caricature
which distinguishes it. It takes in five-and-thirty years of the
life of a spinster.
At 15. Dimpled cheeks, sparkling eyes, coral lips, and ivory
teeth—a sylph in figure. All anxiety for coming out—look's
about her with an arch yet timid expression, and blushes
amazingly upon. the slightest 'provocation.
16. Bolder and plumper; draws, sings, plays the harp, dines
at table when there are small parties; gets fond of plays, to
which she goes in a private box; dreams of a hero—hates her
governess—is devoted to poetry.
17. Having no mother who values herself on her youth, is
presented by an aunt—first terrified, then charmed. Comes out
—Almack's—Opera—begins to flirt—selects the most agreeable
but most objectionable roan in the room as the object of her
affections—he, eminently pleasant, but dreadfully poor; talks
of love in a cottage, and a casement window all over woodbine.
18. Discards• the sighing swain, and fancies herself despe-
rately devoted to a Lancer, who has amused himself by praising
her perfections. Delights in fetes and dejeuners—dances her-
self into half a consumption. Becomes an intimate friend of
Henry's sisters.
- •

19. Votes Henry stupid; too fohd of himself to care for her
—talks a little louder than the year before; takes care to show
that she understands the best concealed bon-mots of the French
play; shows off her bright eyes, and becomes the centre of four
satellites who flicker round her.

20. Begins to wonder why none of the sighers propose; gets
a little peevish; becomes a politician; rallies the whigs, avows
toryism—all women arc tortes, except two or three who may be
anything; gets praised beyond meatire by her party; discards
Italian music, and sings party songs—called charming, de-
lightful, and "so natural.'-'
21. Enraptured with her new system ; pursues it with re-
doubled ardour; takes to riding constantly on horseback ; can-
ters every day half way to the House of Lords with the dear
earl, through St. James's Park, by the side of her uncle; makes
up parties and excursions; becomes a comet instead of a star,
and changes her satellites for a tail, by which she is followed as
regularly as the great agitator is. Sees her name in the papers
as the proposer of pia cos, and the patroness of fancy fairs:
22. Pursues the same course; autumn comes; country house;
large party o ti ng wen ; .1u 'la...position.; ciAkstaiWakbouvieb
—tion ; sociability in the evening; sportive gambols; snug sup-
pers; an offer—which, being made by the only dandy sheAtd
not care about in the melee, she refuses.

23. Regrets it; tries to get him back; he won't come, but
marries a rich grocer's widow for her money. Takes to flirting
desperately ;..dresses fantastically; tries a new style of singing;
affects a taste; lives with the italians, calls them divine and
charming; gets her uncle to give suppers.
24. Thinks she has been too forward; retires, and becomes
melancholy; affects sentiment, and writes verses in an annual
makes acquaintance with the scavans, and the authors and
authoresses; wonders she is nut married.
25. Goes abroad %,ith her uncle and a delightful family; so
kind and so charming ; stays the year there.
26. Comes home full of new airs and graces ; more surprised
thati ever that she is still single, and begins to fancy she could
live very comfortable, if not in a cottage, at least upon a very
moderate scale.
27. Thinks the conversation of rational men infinitely prefer-
able to flirting.
22. Looks at matrimony as desirable in the way of an esta-
blishment, in case of the death of her uncle; leaves off dancing
generally; talks of getting old.
aged;29. surprised San
thats tein
men;st do notillineff laugh
ective' still talks of getting
as they did, when she
said so a year or two before.
30. Begins to enquire when a spinster becomes an old
maid.

31. Dresses more fantastically than ever; rouges a little:
country house not so agreeable as it used to be; goes every
where in town; becomes good-natured to )uuug girls, and joins
in acting charades and dumb provers.
32. Hates balls, or, if she goes to them, likes to sit still and
talk to middle-aged gentlemen.
33. Wonders why men of sense prefer flirting with girls to
the enjoyment of rational conversation with sensible women.
34. Uncle dies; break up of establishment; remains with
her aunt; feels old enough to go about without a chaperon.
35. Takes to cards, where they are played; gives up harp,
piano, and singing; beaten out of the field by her juniors.
36. Quarrels with her cousin, who is just married to the
prize marquis of the season ; goes into Wales on a visit to a
distant relation.
37. Returns to London; tries society; fancies herself ne-
glected, and " never goes out;" makes up little tea-parties at
her aunt's; very pleasant to every body else, but never satis-
factory to herself.
18. Feels delight in. recounting all the unhappy marriages
she can recollect; takes a bay out of an orphan school, dresses
him up in a .green jacket with three rows or sugar-leaf buttons,
and calls him a page; patronizes a poet. -.
39. Gets fractious; resolves upon making the best of it;
turns gourmand; goes to every dinner to which she either is or