The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1844-01-30 00:00:00

THE LIVERPOOL STANDARD.

their skill as marksmen. in " shying" (as they term it)
stones and missiles of all kinds, from broken bricks and
dead dogs to glass bottles and defunct cats, at this primi-
tive bull's eye, much to the risk of damaging also the
eyes of others, not ambitious to be so marked arid distin-
guished by their notice; this "desirable piece of ground"
generally having also a pool of liquid, originally perhaps
water, but so coloured and diverted by its ingredients,
that it may he stale porter, with a goodly assortment of
vegetable and animal matter boiled together, and, when
reeking with a hot sun, cannot fail to he an agreeable
aiditioci to the odours, which are generally to be found,
from the crowded courts and small houses which it ap-
pears always desirable to have attached to the back of
your " better kind " of houses ; it is useful also, as a
receptacle for all the rubbish, the oyster-shells, and bro-
ken crockery of the neighbourhood, besides the filth and
nuisances of occasional passers-by. Then to notice the
variety of por'icoes !—the interminable variety of all kinds
of oak, ash, mahogany, and bird eyed maple doors !—the
various shades of green, black, and grey, with which the
balconies and iron rails for the area are painted, with their
sundry decorative styles of iron casting,—would be a task
too arduous for me to undertake, and would require a
skill and knowledge of the sciences and fine arts beyond
what I can boast of possessing, and I must therefore give
up the attempt severally to enumerate them.
For all this confusion of order and regularity, I have
often attempted to account, often strove to find some
reason, why, ai:iong such an enlightened community as
your Liverpool people profess to be, and undoubtedly
are, having taken the lead, as you have done of late years,
in applying all the great scientific discoveries to the prac-
tical uses of life—particularly that mighty power of steam,
by which you have, as it were, annihilated time and space,
and removed the various obstacles that previously existed
to the rapid and easy communication between the different
towns in your own country, bringing Manchester, Bir-
mingham, and London, within breakfast, luncheon, and
dinner distances, and the United States as a " trip"
merely across the water, and the East Indies as a pleasant
" summer jaunt" ;—with all this manifest demonstration
of intelligence, activity, and scientfic skill, I say I have
often strove to find some reason, some cause, why such a
miserable want of taste, such a misapplication of know-
ledge, should be found, in the improvement and adorn-
ment of the dwelling-houses of your town, the health and
comfort of its inhabitants; and it always appeared to me
a most puzzling enigma. But I think I have read this
riddle aright, by a little" straw," a " feather," constantly
to be seen wafted in the air, or floating on the surface, of
any portion of society, the " good society," that you may
move in, and which indicate the " ruling passion" which
influences the thoughts, and directs the actions, of this
portion of your community. And this I will proceed to
demonstrate.
A by-stander is often able to see more of a conflict,
whether it consists of a battle with lads of fisty-cuffs, or
a combat of boys of older growth, accompanied by all the
" pomps and circumstances " of glorious war. This is
true, for many reasons, which I need not detail ; take this
as sufficient, and be quiet, for " I know it " ; and as a
bystander among you, I have had the means and oppor-
tunities of detecting and suffering also from the distin-
guishing characteristic of your townspeople.
On my arrival from India, after an absence of many
years, I took up my abode in my relatives' house, no
matter where situated, sufficient that it was in one of the
" best" streets and neighbourhood of the town, and was
welcomed with a warmth and cordiality which they only
can appreciate who for years have been absent from an
English home, with all its comforts and enjoyments, not
to be found in any other quarter of the globe. Uncle
was here the " lion," or rather the great Ben 44 tiger of
the day : every thing was ordered and regulated for
" uncle s " convenience—his feeding times, his sleeping,
his walking. his riding hours, were all studiously arranged
for his convenience and "comfort ' (a truly English-home
word)—his every wish anticipated, not only by an affec-
tionate brother and his amiable and exemplary lady, but
by a tribe also of young namesakes, whom my bachelor
habits, of many years' standing, had led me at first to
regard with looks of dread, mixed up perhaps with a touch
of the " fierce," in order to put them on their guard, and
to keep them at a respectful and respectable distance.
But this restraint soon. broke down, for the strength of
childish affection few can long withstand ; and many days
had not elapsed before I found many of my bachelor's
prejudices had made themselves wings and flown away.
My Indian establishment was revived : one urchin took
charge of my hookah; another of my hat and gloves; a
lovely, graceful maiden of my cloak and stick ; a curly-
headed, laughing Hebe roused me in the morning (a
ticklish undertaking); whilst another monopolised the
privilege of supplying my tea and coffee with the precise
quantity of cream and sugar, which she alone knew to
administer; whilst all their little hands vied to be em-
ployed in uncle's service, and seemed amply repaid with
an approving smile, and rendered exuberantly happy with
a yarn of a jungle hunt, a tiger fight, a sketch of uncle's
palanquin, or his elephant and hookah. I wish I durst
intrude further on your patience, by sketching more at
large this " happy home," and pay a tribute of deserving
respect, admiration, and gratitude to her, the presiding
and tutelar genius of all this domestic bliss. I never
knew until now the value and capability of female power ;
of course I had seen and felt much of its influence during
my rambling life, but little of its domestic worth ; nor
could I have deemed it possible that the matron I now
saw was, ten years ago, the giduy, laughing, flirting, ball-
frequenting, ever-dancing, never-tiring girl I then knew
so well ; but now comely, and better looking, in my esti-
mation, than even then—cheerful, active, kind, and inde-
fatigable, and as untiring in her exertions as before, but
with different aims and in pursuit of better objects. The
comfort and happiness of my brother (spoiled, I must
admit, by her indulgence), and the religious and moral
training and discipline of her childreh, seemed now to
form her only delight, her most pleasing occupation • and
well did she appear to be repaid, in the dutiful alid.obe-
client and affectionate demeanour of her young ones„ who
seemed to regard her every look, and whose punishment,
when required, was felt severely in her frown, or word of
rebuke ; no other punishment was ever needed, none
other ever permitted ;--their greatest reward her smile
and kiss of approval. Her benevolence and kindness to
all was only bounded and constrained by her pecuniary
means, and so strongly was this characteristic exhibited
in her countenance, that she could never walk abroad
without attracting (much to her astonishment) all the
poor and needy who crossed her path, as I have often
witnessed when accompanying her in her walks. Truly
she has had, and I trust will continue to have, her reward,
which so much worth and benevolence has justly entitled
her to receive.
But how am Ito apologise for this long digression? I
know not what to say, but must throw myself unreser-
vedly upon the kind indulgence and sympathy of your
readers, who, I doubt not, can readily enter into the feel-
ings of gratitude and affection, which have thus taken
possession, vi et armis, of my pen, and, though at their
cost, have afforded an opportunity of giving vent to that
which, when " cabin'd and confined" within my own
bosom, seemed difficult and almost impossible to be si-
lenced and restrained. I promise, however, to go on,
and sin no more.

I remember well my first appearance in town, and the
first indication I then received of your Liverpool " ruling
passion." Accompanying my brother to his office, on
our drawing near to the Exchange, we soon began to fall
in with his acquaintances, and the ceremony of my intro-
duction to his numerous friends commenced and conti-
nued after the following manner, which take as a sample
of the rest :—" Ha ! Molasses, how are you ? " and mo-
tioning with his hand towards rne, " My brother, from
India." " Oh, indeed ! Any thing new, sir, in India ?"
Now this was a choker, and somewhat indefinite ; and
whilst I was ruminating what might be considered " new"
to him—whether in Scinde, the Punjaub, Upper or Lower
India—l could only smile and bow, by way of gaining
time ; but I need not have troubled myself, for before I
could have written these few words, Molasses' attention
was withdrawn from myself, and, smiling at my brother,
demanded, "What's new with you, Cotton, this morn-
ing ? " To which my brother replied, " Have you any
thing new ?" " I'm off to the docks," was the answer ;
and then, giving each other a poke with the thumb about
the region of the second button-hole, they laughed,
winked at each other, and started off at different tangents.
" A funny fellow that Molasses is, isn't he ?" I replied
that I had had no opportunity of judging whether he was
so or not. " Bless me! didn't I introduce you to him ?"
" Oh, yes, you certainly did ; but " " Well, then,
isn't he—Morgan, what have you new ? My brother,
from India." " What is there new in your part of the
world, sir ? " Again puzzled, and again beginning to
cogitate for an answer, I was again relieved by an addi-
tion to the two of some other friends ; and, again intro-
duced, and the same inquiry again made, I could only
listen to the manner in which the salutations were given
and the answers returned, and found them to consist—
question and answer varying a little in the arrangement
of their words and emphasis, but all ringing the same
tune—of " Any thing new ?" " What have you new ?"
" Have you any news ?" And thus was I handed round,
and bandied with the same never-varying inquiries. And
often have I since recalled to mind my first appearance
on " 'Change" ; but it was not until I had made several
visits there, that I began to notice this universal style of
address; and then I began to reflect, that, for my own
credit, and in consideration of my brother's also, it be-
hoved me to be prepared with some of the " news " of
the day. Taking my way to the newsroom, therefore, in
good time in the morning, by the most unfrequented
streets, fearful lest I should be falling in with some of
my friends before I was prepared, I soon dived into the
contents of a goodly broadsheet, and, from amidst its va-
ried stores, began to lay in a " supply" likely to be com-
mensurate for the " demand." But here another diffi-
culty met me, which I had not reckoned upon. I was at
a loss to know what might be regarded as " news" by
one, and " stale, flat, and unprofitable " by another; and
this I soon found to my great annoyance :—e. g. " Well,
captain, any news 'this morning?' " Yes!" Brimful
with my morning cramming, now I thought a good op-
portunity for a fling off. " Yes! " I replied lonely,
boldly, setting my legs apart, and thrusting a hand into
each of my breeches-pockets, as I remarked was the
standard fashion of the nobs of the flags. " Yes," I re-
plied ;" I see the funds"— " Funds? Wh-e—w !
drawing his mouth into a small funnel-shaped projection,
and turning a pivot on his right heel, and describing, at a
considerable elevation a circle with the left. " Funds!
My dear fellow, let those bother their heads about them,
who have got any thing to no with the funds—l hav'n't.
So you've nothing new ? " When I tried the politics of
the day, " Oh, d—n the politics ! Who'd trouble him-
self about them ?" When the " fashion and table talk,"
" Oh, all humbug!" But still something, any thing
" new " was required. Never was a poor fellow so pes-
tered and bothered. Mosquitoes under your curtain at
night, hot water when cold was wanted, a tight uniform
and heavy helmet under a hot grilling sun, are nuisances
sufficient singly of themselves to disturb the equilibrium
of any man's temper; but these may be endured, becausa
you can indulge a hope of obtaining, at some time, relief
from your sufferings, a riddance from your annoyances.
But here I was bound and whipped with nettles, hourly,