The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1843-01-24 00:00:00

VARIETIES

An old lady, remarkable for her confused ideas of the
meaning of words, thus described a clear summer evening :
" It was a beautiful bright night—the moon made every-
thing as light as a cork !"
" Parr's Pills" are threatened with total eclipse. An in-
genious quack is about to bring out a " Methuselah Pill !"
the receipt having been handed down to him by his ances-
tors from the time of Noah !
GLORIOUS REVENGE.—If you feel inclined to exercise

your vengeance against one who has deeply injured you, take
the first opportunity of doing him a service: if he have any
feeling you will wound him to the quick.
Mr. James Gordon Bennett, the Scotch editor of the New
York Herald, thus felicitates his American countrymen :

"This is a great country—this is a mighty city—we are a
wonderful people—and the age we live in is the most won-
derful the sun ever shown upon." [Canny.]

A. man is as drunk as an owl when he cannot see

1 -.—.. ...
sow, when he tumbles in the dirt; as a beggar, when impu-
dent ; as a devil, when inclined for mischief; and as a lord,
when he is every thing that is bad.—Definition of a Here-
ford Policeman.

Zeno, the philosopher, believed in an inevitable destiny.
His servant availed himself of this doctrine one day while
_

" Was I not des-
and to be corrected

being beaten for a theft, by exclaiming,
tined to rob 7" "Yes," replied Zeno,
also "

The following is not a bad instance of softening the ex-
pression :—" That's a thundering big falsehood," said Tom.
" No," said Dick, " it's only a fulminating enlargement of
elongated veracity." Harry took off his hat, elevated his
eyes, and held his tongue.
Why ought Watts, the proprietor of the celebrated gout
and rheumatic pills, to rank high amongst agriculturists?
Because he has broul.,ht more bad acres (achers) into good
condition than any other man.—And why is he like a good
glazier? Because he removes panes (pains) and renovates
the frame.

GOOD FARMING.—" Sambo, is your master a good far-
mer ? " " 0 yes, massa fuss-rate farmer—he make two
crops in one year." " How is that, Sambo ?" " Why, he
sells all his hay in de fall, and makes money once ; den in de
spring he sell de hides of de cattle dat die for want of de hay,
and make money twice.--,Louisville paper.

The wedding ring is put on the fourth finger of the woman's
left hand, because in the original formulary of marriage it
was placed on the top of the thumb with the words, " In the
name of the Father;" then on the next finger, with the
words, " and of the Son ;" then on the middle finger, with
" and of the Holy Ghost ;" and nearly on the fourth, with
the word " Amen."

CHARLES THE NINTH'S ARROGANCE.—It is stated that
Charles the Ninth of France; when almost a child, thus ad-
dressed the parliament of Paris:—" Your duty is to obey
my orders ; presume not to examine what they are, but obey
them. I know better than you what the state and expedi-
ency require." This was the spirit that uniformly animated
the kings of the house of Valois."
Horace Walpole tells the annexed anecdote of a humane
gaoler in Oxfordshire, who made the following application
to one of his condemned prisoners :—" My good friend, 1
haie a little favour to ask of you, which, from your obliging
disposition, I doubt not you will readily grant. You are or-
dered for execution on Friday week. I have a particular en-
gagement on that day ; if it makes no difference to you,
would you say next Friday instead?"
CHALLENGE TO A JURY.—A certain learned Baron, who
is known to be a better judge of horses than of men, was
lately charging a jury on circuit. lie held in his hand a
jemmy—an implement used in house-breaking—and thus de-
scribed it to the twelve :—" This, gentlemen of- the jury, is
what the witness Grabbim, calls a jemmy. If you will look
at its points attentively, you will see that it is a sort of half-
bred instrument—a cross, in fact, between a crow-bar and a
chisel."—Age.
MARCH OF INTELLECT.—Mr. Neale, the barrister, author
of Cavendish," &c., concluded an address to the jury, in our
county court, on Tuesday last, in the following exquisite
strain :—" Gentlemen,l have great confidence that your ver-
dict will be such as to relieve me from the weight of an op-
pressive responsibility, that it will be satisfactory to the
prisoner who has the honour (?) of appearing before you,
and more than all, that it will be satisfactory to immutable
justice."--Shropshire Conservative.
• - • •

BLUNDERS OF THE PRESS.-Mr. Wilson, the Scottish
minstrel, who is very particular in correcting the bills of his
entertainments, was not a little annoyed lately, in the coun-
try, when he saw the song of " Beyond yon hills, where Lugar
flows," thus announced :
"Beyond yon hills, where sugar grows."
When the vaudeville of the Welsh Girl was played at Liver-
pool, the bills announced that the music was hy, Mr. John
Parry, the celebrated Welch methodist, instead of melodist

RULES FOR TIIE EYES IN CHIN.—" The Le-King, one
of the classical books of the Chinese, contains rules for look-
ing at persons :—To look higher than the face indicates
pride, to look lower than the gi:dle indicates sorrow, to look
aslant indicates perfidy. Ministers of state must not look
the emperor in the face; they may not look higher than the
vest which binds round his neck, nor lower than his girdle;
they must fix their eyes upon his heart, and with profound
reverence wait the high decisions of his sovereign will.

CAUSES OF SUICIDE:— Flow strange, extraordinary

inexplicable are the motives which often lead to the coitimis:
sion of suicide ! Many have been induced to rush into the
arms of death in order to avoid the pain which they fancy ac-
companies dissolution. " Hic rogo. non furor est, ne mori-
are mori ?" Others have been apparently led to the perpe-
tration of the crime by a desire to ascertain the sensation
that attended the act of dying ; whilst some have been influ-
enced by a feeling of fascination, and have stated that they
experienced extatic bliss at the idea of self-nu/401
Forbes Winslow's Work on Suicide

Lion.—

FASHIONS FOR JANUARY.—The waistcoats after Chfist
MU are expected to be full, but the pockets are usual!
empty. There was considerable lightness in the arrange
meats for the bead, especially in the streets on boxing-night
' much spirit was evident amongst those who moved ii
peculiar circles. In some instances the coat wa
—rnilv. so as to lie level with the pave
good deal off the head, whit(
-chief were left completely de,
coats, which were cut away a good deal last year
,earers having cut away themselves
I,ing new, those of last year havinc

an
their of

went, and tii

is worn a
the watch and pocket handk(

30t now seen, the

s impossible to come up with them
_I-!112 •• •

still the favo

worn rather White
mud about the cal

and are mor

3r less shot with

Ts E Fos'

1 an cles.—Punch

The folk

lecdote is told by M. Casimir Bonjour, the course of au

ay on politeness

[lioness de Coislin one day

Fouche, then minister

be audience was granted, but louch6, who was resolved to
Rase whatever the marchioness might ask for, received her

ag, with his elbo

d not invite her to
arithionera. I come

w resting on the chimney-piece, and
a seat. ' Citizen minister,' said the
to ask what crime my sister, Mad.

is an enemy of the government, and has the audacity to set
it at defiance. ,She audacious ?' retorted the marchioness,
sul? How little you know her. She
cl not even venture to say

words, I,

so discoui
Mad. de CO

Citizen
At these

he lost all his courage
hair, acid Mad. d'Ava.

to be bostne.
ray received percussion to return to Part 4