The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1848-05-23 00:00:00

MISFORTUNES OF UNCLE JACK.

(From " The Caxton," in Blackwood's Magazine.)
Uncle Jack was a light-hearted, plausible, enthusiastic,
talkative fellow, who had spent three small fortunes in
trying to make a large one. He was a great speculator ;
but in all his speculations he never affected to think of
himself,—it was always the good of his fellow-creatures
that he had at heart, and in this ungrateful world fellow-
creatures are not to be relied upon ! On coming of age,
he inherited £6OOO from his maternal grandfather. It ,
seemed to him then his fellow-creatures were greatly im-
posed upon by their tailors. Those ninth parts of huma-
nity notoriously eked out their fractional existence by ask-
ing nine times too much for the clothing which civilisa-
tion, and perhaps a change of climate, render more neces.
nary to us than our ancestors the Picts. Out of pure phi-
lanthropy, Uncle Jack started " a Grand National Bene-
volent Clothing Company," which undertook to supply
the public with inexpressibles of the best Saxon cloth at
is. 6d. a pair ; coats, superfine, £1 18s. ; and waistcoats
at so much per dozen. They were all to be worked off by
ste..m. Thus the rascally tailors were to be put down,
humanity clad, and the philanthropists rewarded (but
that was a secondary consideration) with a clear return of
30 per cent. In spite of the evident charitableness of this
Christian design, and the irrefragable calculations upon
which it was based, this company died a victim to the ig-
norance and unthankfulness of our fellow-creatures.
And all that remained of Jack's £6OOO was a fifty-fourth
share in a small steam-engine, a large assortment of ready-
made pantaloons, and the liabilities of the directors.
Uncle Jack disappeared, and went on his travels. The
same spirit of philanthropy which characterised the specu-
lations of his purse attended the risks of his person. Un-
cle Jack had a natural leaning towards all distressed com-
munities : if any tribe, race, or nation was down in the
world, Uncle Jack threw himself plump into the scale to
redress the balance. Poles, Greeks (the last were then
fighting the Turks,) Mexicans, Spaniards,—Uncle Jack
thrust his nose into all their squabbles ! Heaven forbid I
should mock thee, poor Uncle Jack ! for those generous
predilections towards the unfortunate; only, whenever a
nation is in misfortune, there is always a job going on !
The Polish cause, the Greek cause, the Mexican cause,
and the Spanish cause, are necessarily mixed up with
loans and subscriptions. These continental patriots, when
they take up the sword with one hand, generally contrive
to, thrust_ the other deep into their neighbours' breeches'
pockets. Uncle Jack went to Greece; thence he- wentto
Spain, thence to Mexico. No doubt he was of great ser-
vice to these afflicted populations, for he came back with
unanswerable proof of their gratitude in the shape of
£3OOO. Shortly after this appeared a prospectus of the
" New, Grand, National Benevolent Insurance Company,
for the Industrious Classes." This invaluable document,
after setting forth the immense benefits to society arising
from habits of providence, and the introduction of insu-
rance companies—proving the infamous rate of premiums
exacted by the existent offices, and their inapplicability
to the wants of the honest artisan, and declaring that no-
thing but the purest intentions of benefiting their fellow-
creatures, and raising the moral tone of society, had led
the directors to institute a new society, founded on the
purest principles and the most moderate calculations—
proceeded to demonstrate that twenty-four and a half per
cent. was the smallest possible return the shareholders
could anticipate. The company began under the fairest
auspices : an archbishop was caught as president, on the
condition always that he should give nothing but his name
to the society. Uncle Jack—more euphoniously desig-
nated as " the celebrated philanthropist, John Jones
Tibbetts, Esquire"—was honorary secretary, and the ca-
pital stated at two millions. But such was the obtuse-
ness of the industrious classes, so little did they perceive
the benefits of subscribing one-and-ninepence a-week
from the age of twenty-one to fifty, in order to secure at
the latter age the annuity of £lB, that the company dis-
solved into thin air, and with it dissolved also Uncle
Jack's £3OOO. Nothing more was then seen or heard of
him for three years. So obscure was his existence, that on
the death of an aunt, who left him a small farm in Corn-
wall, it was necessary to advertise that " If John Jones
Tibbets, Esq., would apply to Messrs. Blunt and Tin,
Lothhury, between the hours of ten and four, he would
hear of something to his advantage." But, even as a
conjuror declares he will call the ace of spades, and the
ace of spades, that you thought you had safely under your
foot, turns up on the table—so with this advertisement
suddenly turned up Uncle Jack. With inconceivable sa-
tisfaction did the new landlord settle himself in his com-
fortable homestead. The farm, which was about two hun-
dred acres, was in the best possible condition, and saving
one or two chemical prepare ions, which cost Uncle Jack,
upon the most scientific principles, thirty acres of buck-
wheat, the ears of which came up, poor things, all spotted
and speckled, as if they had been inoculated with the
small-pox, Uncle Jack for the first two years was a thriv-
ing man. Unluckily, however, one day Uncle Jack disco-
vered a coal-mine in a beautiful field of Swedish turnips;
in another week the house was full of engineers and natu-
ralists, and in another month appeared, in my uncle's
best style, much improved by practice, a prospectus of
" the Grand, National, anti-Monopoly Coal Company, in-
stituted on behalf of the poor Householders of London,
and against the Monster IVlonopoly of the London Coal
Wharfs.

" A vein of the , finest coal has been discovered on the
estates of the celebrated philanthropist, John Jones Tib-
bets, Esq. This new mine, the Molly Wheel, having
been satisfactorily tested by that eminent engineer, Giles
Compass, Esq., promises an inexhaustible field to the
energies of the benevolent and the wealth of the capitalist.
It is calculated that the best coals may be delivered,.
screened, at the mouth of the Thames, for 18s. per load,
yielding a profit of not less than forty-eight per cent. to
the shareholders. Shares, £5O, to be paid in five instal-
ments. Capital to be sub ,cribed, one million. For
shares. early application must be made to Messrs. Blunt
and Tin, solicitors, Lothbury."
Here, then, was something tangible for fellow-creatures
to go on—there Vas land, there was a mine, there was
coal, and there actually came shareholders and capital.
Uncle Jack was so persuaded that his fortune was now to
be made, and had, moreover, so great a desire to share
the glory of ruining the monster monopoly of the London
wharfs, that he refused a very large offer to dispose of the
property altogether, remained chief shareholder, and re-
moved to London, where he set up his carriage, and gave
dinners to his fellow-directors. For no less than three
years did this company flourish, having submitted the
entire direction and working of the mines to that eminent
engineer, Giles Compass—twenty per cent. was paid re-
gularly by that gentleman to the shareholders, and the
shares were at more than cent. per cent., when, one bright
morning, when least expected, Giles Compass, Esq. re-
moved himself to that wider field for genius like his, the
United States ; and it was discovered that the mine had
for more than a year run itself into a great pit of water,
and that Mr. Compass bad been paying the shareholders
out of their own capital. My uncle had the satisfaction
this time of being ruined in very good company : three
doctors of divinity, two county members, a Scotch lord,
and an East India director, were all in the same boat—
that boat which went down with the coal-mine into the
great water-pit !

FRANCE AND TAHITI.—RIGHTEOUS RETRIBUTION.—
The Scripture abounds in instances of retribution : and
history, since that day, supplies similar. Have you ever
considered how very singular it was, that the Jewish
people, on taking a certain neighbouring prince prisoner,
indignity,
as have treated him with such barbarous
as to cut off his thumbs and his toes ? It was not their
custom to do so ; so far'as we know, they never did it in
any other instance. And presently we learn the reason.
" And Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having
their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their
meat under my table ; as I have done, so hath God re-
quited me." You recollect also what Samuel said to
Agag :—As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall
thy mother be childless among women." You recollect
the gallows that Haman prepared for Mordecai, and who
was hanged upon it,—Haman himself. These are inti-
mations of God's dealings even in this world. And one
modern parallel shall suffice, and then I must release you,
(Cries of "Go on," and " Hear hear.") I look at one
of our Royal residences in the neighbourhood of this
metropolis, and there I recognise some fugitives from
their own country,—one that was a King, one that was a
Minister; there may be one that was an Admiral,—l
'mow not certainly how that is. And if in the contem-
plation of that fallen party I were invited to name one
name, which would bring out God's righteous retribution
upon men—and I say this without any unkind
feeling towards,thern—(hear, hear)—,it, would ill bfconie
an Englishman to triumph with the slightest feeling of
unkindness over fallen greatness—(hear, hear) ; and if
any such feeling seem to mingle with what I shall say, I
beg utterly to disclaim it ; I have no such intention. I
claim history as a fair field of comment for him who ob-
serves God's dealings among men, and I altogether dis-
claim any personal unkind feeling—(hear, hear) ; but
if I were to name a word calculated to make the ex-King
of France and his Ministers and Admirals tremble
—calculated to make them see how the hand of God
has been over them—the word I would name is,
Tahiti ! (Cheers.) The annals of Propagandism in its
most barbarous age supply nothing more barbarous than
the treatment which an innocent Queen received at the
hands of France. (Hear, hear.) The men of God, who
had been the messengers of Christianity to her and her
realm, who were respected by her, approved by her,
located in her territory, attended to by herself and her
court as their teachers—these men were rudely thrust
from the island by violence. The priests of an opposite
faith, which she disclaimed, were forced upon her accept-
ance. When she entreated their departure, they re-
fused ; when, exercising her authority, she compelled
them to depart, the powerful arm of France was raised to
force them back upon her. And at last she was herself
turned from her realm, consigned to a small island in the
neighbourhood, a fugitive from her home, and her land
itself made an example of the vanity of propagandism.
(Hear.) It was not worth the pains to France as a colony ;
it was only the triumph, the vain triumph of propa-
gandism. There was an island where Protestant
Christianity had planted a successful mission ; the
jealousy of Rome could not bear it ; it was a bright spot,
over which she wished to throw her own sable mantle ;
and she did it with a violence that deserved any possible
recrimination. (Hear, hear.) Of course, Ido not mean
to say that all that has been done since has been in con-
senuence of that act. That is the misrepresentation, the
wilful misrepresentation that will be made of what I am
saying ;—the gentlemen of the press—those who pretend
to lead, and, to a great extent, do lead the public mind,
will say, " that we have the secrets of heaven, and that
this was the sole cause of the French revolution." I said
no such thing. (Hear, hear.) But I said this, "that if
it please God, in the visions of the night, to bring the
history of that affair of Tahiti to the recollection of Louis
Philippe, and of Guizot, while they lay awake on their
beds, (hear) and if it please God, by the teaching of the
Holy Ghost, to give them repentance for their treatment
of Pomare, (hear) I shall rejoice and be glad."—Rev. Dr.
MReile at the British &formation Society Meeting.