The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1843-09-05 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

A person who tells you of the faults of others, intends
to tell others of your faults. 'Have a care how you listen.
TlME.—Time is like women and pigs; the more you
want it to go, the more it won't.—Sam Slick.
A SOBER PUN.—Whv are temperance societies a bar to
friendship? Because they prevent shaking hands.

When does a man shave himself with silver ? When he
cuts his heir off with a shilling.

A false friend is like a shadow on a dial plate, which
appears in fine weather, but vanishes at the approach of
a cloud.

When a man says that another thinks properly, it will
generally be found that the two think alike!
An American paper, announcing the opening of a new
cemetery, says—" Mr. had the pleasure of being
the first individual buried there ! "

Too GOOD BY HALF !—A poor law commissioner,
at Bath, has discovered a system by which he can make
out of a pint of water a quart of milk, and have enough
left to make cream for the commissioners' tea !—Punch.

While the Granadeers were lately entering Swansea, an
old woman, struck with amazement at the appearance of
their fur caps, exclaimed, " Lab ! lah ! why how do 'em
manage to make their hair grow like that?
WINE FROM THE COMMON BRAMBLE.—Five measures
of the ripe fruit with one of honey and six of water,
boiled and strained, and left to ferment, then boiled again
and put in casks to ferment, are said to produce an ex_
c-alletit wine. The colour of wine is often rendered darker
by a mixture of blackberries with the grapes.—Louden's
Gardener's Magazine.

CHANGE OF TIMES.—About the middle of the Seven-
teenth century, persons hiring furnished lodgings in Lon-
don had to find their own linen and pewter, or pay dearly
for their use. In the nineteenth century, so much have
notions of comfort and social sagacity improved, that
many persons especially honourable numbers of the tail,
can get themselves accommodated by finding only their
own brass and fustian and without paying for anything.
COUNT D'ORSAY'S BARGAlN.—Whatever appears in
a newspaper must be true. It is true, therefore, accord-
to the Siecle (French paper), that at the sale of the Duke
of Sussex's cigars, Count D'Orsay was the lucky pur-
chaser of 1000 Havannahs for X3OO sterling ! That there
may be no misunderstanding on the point, the &lee
adds :—" 7500 francs of our money ! " Were the sale
not over, we should be inclined to exclaim Puff; as it is,
we shall merely say, Smoke.
THE LAND OF LIBERTY.—During the excitement of
an election, in Kentucky, a Mr. Clay, said to be the son
of Mr. H. Clay, made a most murderous attack on a Mr.
Brown, a gentleman in the nost-office department, in
consequence of some political difference. The Madiso-
nian says, " Mr. Clay assailed him (Mr. Brown) with a
huge bowie-knife; cut out his left eye; cut off his left
ear; gashed his left shoulder six inches in length, and one
and a half in depth, so that it is expected he will die."
STRENGTH OF PAPER.—During a lecture by Mr.
Cooper, before the Society of Arts, he produced a quarto
sheet of post writing paper, the ends of which he had
pasted together, thus forming an endless web. Into this
web he inserted two rods of wood, to one of which was
attached a half-hundred weight ; and taking the other in
his hands, he raised the weight. With the same material,
he observed, had been lifted a man who weighed 150 lbs.
With a bank note could also be lifted eighteen lbs.—
Magazine of Science.
KEMPER COLLEGE.—This institution is the most
western Protestant Episcopal college in the world, being
nearly half-way between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
The main building was completed externally during the
year 1841, Bishop Kemper having solicited and obtained
funds for the purpose, to the amount of twenty-five thou-
sand dollars, from zealous Christians in New York and
Philadelphia. In the same year a considerable amount of
valuable books was presented to the college by pious in-
dividuals in England, as well as by several of the great
societies. The object of the college is the preparation of
young men for the ministry of the Protestant Episcopal
Church, and, under the enlightened and active presidency
of the Rev. E. C. Hutchinson, it bids fair ultimately to
realise the sanguine expectations of the Church.
Caswall's City of the Mormons.
HOGS AND WAX CANDLES.—At the presentment of the
British Association of Science in Cork, a curious method,
recently adopted in the United States, of bringing their
hog produce to market, was noticed in one of the sections.
It appears the pigs near the vale of the Mississippi, cannot
be brought to a profitable market as an article of food,
they are converted by a chymical process into wax and oil,
in which form they are readily transported, and the pigs
of the Misissippi are thus converted into wax candles for
illuminating our drawing-rom4is ! The oil is of excellent
quality and is well adapted for lubricating Machinery, for
which purpose the best sperm oil has hitherto been most
used. The custom of the North Americans, who carry on
the business of converting pigs into wax candles, is to
drive the animals into the woods where they feed for some
months on the acorns, &c., and then they are fattened for
one month on Indian corn, by which time they are quite fit
for the process of conversion, and they are boiled en masse,
fat and lean together, unless the state of the provision
market make it profitable to spare some of the hams.
GoD's DISPENSATIONS. —As it has been said that
there are stars so distant, that though their light has been
travelling towards us ever since the creation, it has never
yet reached us, so there are meanings in God's dispensa-
tions, a light in events long past, which, through our im-
perfection of moral vision, or the thick medium through
which we have to judge. may not yet have broken upon
us, and may not, indeed, till far in the bosom of eternity.
The meaning of the brazen serpent in the wilderness was
not seen till the Son of Man was lifted up on the cross;
the purpose of David's education as a shepherd was not
read till the publication of the Book of Psalms. There
was a meaning in that three years' drought and famine in
the time of Elijah, in the reign of Ahab, in the land of
Judea, not known,even to the church of God till the gene-
ral epistle. of James, after the crucifixion of our Saviour.
An event like that of Bunyan's imprisonment for thirteen
years had a meaning that could not he sr en by that gene-
ration, indeed is but beginning to he known now, after
the translation of the Pilgrim's Progress" into more than
twenty languages. An es ent in a still greater cycle of
dispensation, like the banishment of the puritans to Ame-
rica, had a meaning which we are now only beginning to
comprehend. And lastly, circumstances like those which
threw the key of the Mediterranean into the possession of
a Protestant power, did the same with Malta—the'bridge
between the Oriental and the Occidental world—and,
finally, opened one of the antique gates of Christendom I
to the same nation, can only be understood when those
future events have begun to march by in successionjor
which those previous steps of God's providence are so
evidently taken.—Claims of the Christian Aborigines of
the Turkish or Osmanli Empire.