The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1844-01-09 00:00:00

SELECTIONS.

BRITISH HATRED OF AMERICAN INSTI-
TUTIONS.
(From Martin

The Honourable Elijah Pogram glanced at his friends
as though he would have said, •• Observe this! See what
follows!" and they rendered tribute to the Pogram ge-
nius, by a gentle murmur.
" Our fellow-countryman is a model of a man, quite
fresh from Natur's mould!" said Pogiam, with enthu-
siasm. He is a true-born child of this free hemisphere!
Verdant as is the mountains of our country ; bright and
flowing as are our mineral Licks ; uhspiled by withering
conventionalities as air our broad arid boundless P, rearers!
Rough he may be. So air our Barr.. Wild he may be.
So air our Buffalers. But he is a child i f Natur', and a
child of Freedom ; and his boastful answer to the Despot
and the Tyrant is, that his bright thlme is in r he Settin
Sun."

Mr. Pogram waited until his bearers were calm again,
before he said to Mark :
" You do not seem to coincide, Sir ?"
" Why," said Mark, " I did n't like him much, and
that's the truth, Sir. I thought he was a bully ; and l
did n't admire his earryin' them
murderous little per_
suadir-, and being so ready to use
" It 's singl r!' said rogratu, lifting his umbrel!a high
enough to look all round fri•tit umler it. " It's strange!
You observe the settled opnosoion to our institutions
which pervades the British mind !"
" What an exttaortlinary people you are!" cried Mar-

tin. " Are Mr. Chollop and the class be represents, an
Institution here? Are pistols with revolving barrels
sworn-sticks, bowie knives, and such things, Institutions
on which you pride yourselves ? Are bloody duels, brutal
combats, savage assaults, shootings down and stabbing in
the streets, your Institut;ons! Whv I shall hear next,
that Dishonour and Fraud are among the Institutions of
the great republic!" _

The moment these words passed his lips, the Honoura.
ble Elijah Pogram looked round again.
" This morbid hatred of our Ir,stitutions," 1-e observed,
"is quite a study for a physchological observer. " He's
alludin to Repudiation now!"
" Oh ! you may make anything an Institution if you
like," said Martin, laughing, " and I confess you had me
there, for you certainly have made that, one. But the
greater part of these things are one Institution with us,
And we call it by the generic name of Old Bailey ?"

" What do you think of my countrymen who are pre-
sent, Sir ?" inquired Elijah Pogram.
" Oh ! very pleasant," said Martin.
They were a very pleasant party. No man had spoken
a word ; every one had been intent, as usual, on his own
private gorging; and the greater part of the company were
decidedly dirty feeders.
The Honourable Elijah Pogram looked at Martin as if
he thought, " You don't mean that, I know!" And he
was soon confirmed in this opinion.
Sitting opposite to them was a gentleman in a high state
of tobacco, who wore quite a little beard, composed of the
overflowings of that weed, as they had dried about his
mouth and chin : so common an ornament that it scarcely
attracted Martin's observation . but this good citizen,
burning to assert his equality against all corners, sucked
his knife for some moments, and made a cut with it at the
butter, just as Martin was in the act of taking some.
There was a juicyness about the deed that would have
sickened a scavenger.

When Elijah Pogram (to whom this was an every-day
incident) saw that Martin put the plate away, and took no
butter, he was quite delighted, and said
" Well! The morbid hatred of you British to the In-
stitutions of our country, is as-ToNishing I"
" Upon my life !" cried Martin in his turn, " this is
the most wonderful community that ever existed. A man
deliberately makes a hog of himself, and that's an Insti-
tution !"

THE REGULAR AND IRREGULAR DRAMA.
(From Hood's Magazine.)
A writer in the Times lately attributed the decline of the
public taste for theatrical exhibitions to the superiority of
the dramatic scenes, serious and comic, which are so ad-
mirably got up and performed daily in the bankruptcy
courts, the Old Bailey, Guildhall, Westminster Hall, the
police-offices, the courts of conscience, and other houses,
major and minor, in London and the provinc-s. And
there is certainly some truth in the theory ; for the
snatches of tragedy, comedy, and farce, furnished by such
places, are much more interesting and amusing, and in-
finitely more instructive than the pieces fabricated by
most of our modern play-wrights. Some of the judges
and counsel show quite as " fiery off" as any stars on the
hoards, and the jarors, common or special, are quite as
clever and entertaining as the walking gentlemen. The
want of music and dancing in the places alluded to,
makes them less strong in opera and the ballet, and her
Majesty's Theatre, in the Haymarket, prospers accord-
ingly, from the absen eof competition. The police-
offices, however, are powerful rivals to the Adelphi.
Surrey, &c., in pieces of strong and sometimes very
domestic interest, the plots of which are duly recorded in
some of the daily prints ; and melo-drama flourishes at the
sessions-house and in the inquest-roi.m. Here and there
a coroner is also a very respectable performer in the
funny line; arid constables, beadles, and bumpkin wit-
nesses are low comedians.
How far it might be practicable to retrieve the fortunes
of the patent theatres, by allowing a certain portion of the
public business to be transacted on the stage, is left for
the proprietors to discuss with the lord chamberlain • no-
thing else, probably, will ever raise the shares of either to
a profitable premium—for, who would pay to sit at their
fictitious shows, when he might, gratis, see such exhibitions
of real life elsewhere, and listen to the genuine dialogue
of human nature ? Here is a brief example :
MISAPPRENENSION..—A DRAMATIC SKETCH.
SCENF.—A Club Room at the Hare and Hounds. At
the table sits the County Coroner with his Clerk. The
Jurors are arranged round the board. The Constable,
Src.. fill the background. TIMOTHY GUBBINS, a
witness, is under examination.
Cor.—Did you know the defunct?
Wit.—Who's he ?
Cor.—Why, the dead man.
Wit.—Yes.
(Pr.—lntimately ?
Wit.—Were.
Cor.—How often have you been in company with him ;
Wit.—Ony once.
Cor.—And do you call that intimately ?
Wit.—Yes—for he were wery drunk, and I were wery
drunk—and that made us like two brothers.
Cor.—Who recognised the body ?
Wit.—Jack Adams.
Cor.—H ow did he recognise him?
Wit.—By standing on his head to let the water run out.
Cor.-1 'mean how did he know him?
Wit.—By his plush jacket.
Cor.—Anything else ?
Wit.—No : only his face were so swelled, his own mo-
ther wouldn't have knowed him.
Cor.—Then how did you know him ?
Wit.—'Cause 1 warn't his mother.
[Applause in court.
Cor.—What do you consider the cause of his death?
Wit.—Drownding in course.
Cor.—Was any attempt made to resuscitate him?
Cor.—How ?
Wit.—We sarched his pockets.
Cor.—l mean did you try to bring him to ?
Wit.—Yes----to the public-house.
Cor.—l mean to recover him.
Wit.—No. We warn't told to.
Did you ever suspect the deceased of mental alienation ?
Wit.—Yes—the whole village suspected un.
Cor.—Why ?
Wit.—That he alienated one of the Squire's pigs.
Cor.—You misunderstand me. I alluded to mental
aberration.
Wit.—Some thinks he was.
Cor.—On what grounds?
Wit.—l believe they belonged to Squire Waters.
Cor.—Pshaw. I mean was he mad?
Wit.—Sartenly.
Cor.—What, devoid of reason?
Wit.—He had no reason to drownd himself as I know
of.
Cor.—That will do, sir. (To the Jury.) Gentlemen,
you have beard the evidence, and will consider of your
verdict.
Foreman.—Your worship, we are all of one mind.
Cor.—Well, what is it?
Foreman.—We don't mind what. We're agreeeble to
anything your Worship pleases.
Cor.—No, gentlemen—l have no right to dictate—you
had better consult together.
Foreman.—We have, your Worship, afore we came, and
were all unanimous.
Cor.—l am happy to hear it, gentlemen. (To the
Clerk.) Mr. Dicks, take down the verdict. Now then,
gen' lemon.
Foretnan.—Why, then, your Worship, it's " Justifiable
Suicide ;"—but begs to recommend to mercy ;—and hopes
we shall be allowed our expenses.

HEADACHE.—Food taken into the stomach of a person
of weak digestion immediately before retiring to rest,
lodges there during the greater part of the night very little
altered ; thus acting as an irritant for so many hours on
an organ already too sensitive, can we wonder that the pa-
tient should awake in the morning with a headache? But
it frequently happens that the change the food has under-
gone during sleep, is not merely imperfect in kind, but
unwholesome likewise in its nature, and the crudity gene-
rated by the morbid process usually abounds with acidity.
—Dr. Hume Weatherhead on Diet.

UNLUCKY DAYS.—Thou beginnest in the morning, for
instance, by putting thy shirt on wrong side out, and this
gives a kind of direction to the events of the day. Thou
cuttest thyself when thou art shaving, thou guest out to
seek people whom thou dust not find, and thou art found
by people whom thou dost not seek, and whom thou couldst
wish at Jericho; thou sagest what is dull when thou wish-
est to be witty ; thy dinner is bad ; every thing goes in-
conceivably wrong; and if thou takest it into thy head to
make au offer to a lady, such a day thou mayst be certain
of getting a refusd, for thou art on the wrong side of thy
luck. What the President had turned wrong side out in
his toilet, on a certain Thursday, in a certain week, in a
certain month, I will not take upon me to guess ; but
certain it was that an ungentle fate followed him all through
the day, and every member of the family was made more
or less conscious of it.—From Mary Howilt's new work,
" The President's Daughter."
DR. MAGINN'S CONVERSATIONAL Powitass.—l sat,
on last Friday, two hours with Dr. Maginn in his bed-
room. The doctor has been raking, I believe, since his
family went to France ; he was quite ill when I saw him.
However, he managed to write a leader for the Argus
newspaper in his shirt, and that completed, he jumped
into bed, and we had, a, long talk. The more I see of
him, the more I admire his talent. He is really a splen-
did fellow. He knows everything. He will teach you
as much in one hour as the best book will in ten. His
conversation is the most extraordinary thing possible.
He jumbles together fun, philosophy, and polemics; and
in these (so incongruous) he is pre-eminent. At first
you would say, that he spent all his life reading jest-
books ; but then there is such admirable philosophy and
common sense in his reflections, that you get rid of your
first notion as quickly as possible. But just as you are
on the point of averring that this man reads nothing but
works of thought and reasoning, you are forced to gulp
down the exclamation, for he jumps into theology, and
will argue on it like a bishop. Then you declare that he
has studied nothing but polemics all his life. Such a man
is Maginn. He is a ruin, but a glorious ruin neverthe-
less. lie takes no care of himself. Could he be induced
to do so, he would be the first man of the day in litera-
ture, or anything else. But he lives a rollicking life; and
will write you one of his ablest articles while standing in
his shirt, or sipping brandy, so naturally do the best and
wittiest thoughts flow from hi§ pen. His reading is im-
mense; his memory powerful; and his knowledge of the
world is perhaps equal to that of any man that ever lived.
In fact, I say he knows everythitr, and so he does. We
talked about a war with France, about which all the John
and Jenny Bulls are getting anxious. The doctor assert-
ed stoutly that there would be none, and quoted Lord
Brougham.
who said, in allusion to the national debt,
that England was bi end in eight. hunched millions to keep
the peace.—Dublin Magazine.

THE LIVERPOOL STANDARD.