Star.
London, England, 1830-08-04 00:00:00

LITIIIMIZI' I .VTELLIGE.VCE.

The Nero Monthly Ma9a.Cue for this month, is in character
yuito! up to its old standard. The number for last month, although
11 could hardly be properly censured, wax not so briiliant as the
pr. sent. We huve been particularly amused, among several others,
itt !our of the articles--vir. On the Inconvenience of a convenient
Distance"—All " (kW Association''—•' A \Vet Sunday at the
:0-virs Bri.ige"—an.l on the " Art of Rising in Prose." The last
s ttn rate. nely well-exectite.l ce; score prose.writers of the
itiescia day. who ax4utue to theittselve, great ati.lioriey. We shall
attempt for the amusement of our reader., to give an abstract ni
the first mentioned Essay on—

THE INCONVENIENCIES OF A CONVENIENT
DISTANCE.
Humboldt; said a attain Captain in the West.3litidlesex
tt,:litia, • Humboldt is an over-rated man ; there is very little in
him; and he knows nothin of geography !'—' How ! that cele-
heated traveller knows nothing of geography ?' -‘ No more than my
lark terrier there, Sir. I met hint at a party once at the Russian
Ambassador's at Paris, and put him to the proof. As long as he
..as talking about the Andes, and the Cordilleras, and places which
oho:1y but himself had ever heard of, he carried it all his own
way ; but the moment I put a straight-forward question to him,
eh h :.r.y school-boy might have answered, he was floored. Now,
Novo.' said I—taking him by surprise—' Now, Baron, can you
.t II me where Turnham Green is ?' Upon—my—honour, he
Isr ew no more about it than I know about Jericho !'
" Who that has ever journeyed from the giant metropolis towards
the town beloved of surgeons, wheelwrights, farriers, and black-
smiths, the one unparalleled Brantford, but must have observed, on
the left hand side of the road, at the farthermost corner of Turnham
Green, a house remarkable for an air of snugness and comfort, and
an appearance, altogether, bespeaking respectability and solid wealth
to its owner. It stood alone ; that circumstance told of inilepen-
(knee : it was no more than two stories high, and was as square as a
chess-board.
" Perfect in its kind as was this edifice, a taste severely critical
might have objected to two of its accessories, namely, a common
little plaster cast of the Duke of Wellington stuck in the fan-light
over the door ; and the leaden figure of a Cupid standing in a bed of
in front of the house, squirting up a thin thread of water to
the height of some eight or ten feet.
" For my own part, notwithstanding these trifling drawbacks, I
n, vcr passed this happy.looking mansion without a feeling of admi.
ration of the genius which had directed its construction, and some-
thing. perhaps, like envy of its nosey occupant. Mr. Rufus
Watid,. have I often thought, must be the happiest man in the
King's dominions !' Alas ! alas ! for human happiness !
The last tine I saw this abode of bliss—it has since been de-
molished, its fair garden has been uprooted, and the little squirting
Cupid has been inhumanly exposed for sale at a plumber's at Ham-
mersmith ; and nought remains to mark that such things were, but
a heap of rubbish, and a notice, stuck upon a pole, that the ground
is to be let on building leases.
" The desolation was awful ! Can Wadd be dead ?' I exclaimed.
But I was presently relieved front this apprehension by a notice,
painted on a board, which I had not at first perceived. It was in
these words :—This house to be let or sold, wills or without the
/icrnilure, on very moderate terns,—with immediate possession
—the owner going abroad. Fur further particulars. 4c.—The
inscription was conceived in the spirit of profound melancholy. It
conveyed an idea of resolved and total abandonment, which was sf-
tecting in the extreme.
" The house might either be purchased or hired; it was indif.
:cunt to Wadd: the furniture might be taken, or not; Wald
eared not ; the option, in both cases, was left with the other con.
trscting party : to Wadd even the terms were of trifling imp, stance :
it was his object to rid himself of this property and quit his coun-
try, and it was clear that nothing was to stand in the way of its ful-
filment. What was the cause of this ?
" It was a moral phenomenon which called for explanation, so I
went to Mr. Stiles. Mr. Stiles was the auctioneer to whom all in-
quirers were referred.
Why—a—no, Sir; to be candid with you, the dining.room is
capital, and will accommodate eighteen with all the comfort in life.'
" ' I do not sec that in the light of an objection, BIT. Stiles; and
t f there be no other--.—'
Why then, Sir, to speak out like an honest man—those Om.
Mimes, Sir : it was the Omnibuses that forced Mr. Wadd to sell
his house and fly his native land—for, between ourselves, he is al.
ready gone— he could stand it no longer.'
"The connexion between self-expatriation and a Turham-Green
Omnibus not being quite evident, I requested of Mr. Stiles to
explain it ; whereupon he very obligingly favoured me with the
n.elandioly story of the sorrows of Wadd, to the effect following :
Mr. Rufus Wadd had been, for many years, head of therespect.
able firm of Wadd, Brothers, Wadd and Co. (the Co. comprising a
couple of the Junior Wadds,) carrying or. a profitable business in
Lawrence Pountney.lane, near. Thames.street. In this same house
tie Wadds had been established time immemorial ; it was here that
Rufus drew his first breath; from his earliest youth, his most ear-
nest wish had been to lead the life of a country gentleman. Many
of our most profound desires may be traced to some trivial circum-
stance operating constantly, though Imperceptibly, upon the mind.
In a large enclosure (somewhat resembling a burying-ground) in
Lawrence-Pouritney-lane, stands a huge tree, in form resembling the
din ; though, as its leaves are usually black, (excepting after a
heavy rain, when they assume a dingy brownish-green colour,) a
cautious observer would hesitate before he referred it decidedly to
that class. However, it certainly is a tree; and the windows of the
bed-room formerly occupied by Mr. Ruble command an agreeable
view of it. There would he sit for hours, after the cares of business
were ended, reading Thomson's Seasons—his only hook, and a
work of which he possessed every known edition—and listening to
the wind, as it elbowed its way through the numerous stacks of chins.
neys, and just ruffled the topmost leaves of the tree. To this habit,
no doubt, is to be traced his settled wish for rural life ; and that this
wish was early engendered, may be inferred from a pastoral song
of his own composition, written on a blank leaf of one of his
Thomsons.
" The song has been justly characterized as a sweet song, and
as such it would be acceptable to all poetical readers.
"'Tis sweet to be a Shepherd-boy,
Aud sweet the Shepherd's labour ;
Sweet lambkins all his cares employ,
And sweet his pipe and tabor.
How sweet his frugal meal to cat
By sweetly-shaded mountain !
Sweet fruits his fare, with water sweet
From sweetly-flowing fountain.
'Tis sweet when Evening spreads her shades,
Through some sweet grove to wander ;
And sweet, amidst its gentle glades,
On maiden sweet to ponder.
At night, the sweet green grass his bed ;
His lull-song sweet the billow ;
A moonbeam sweet to wrap his head,
A daisy sweet his pillow.
" Pity that a being like Wadd, formed by Nature for the enjoyment
of the Sylvan solitudes of Turnham-Green, should have been
hunted from their precincts ere he bad scarcely tasted of their
pleasures
"In evil hour, he found precisely the thing he wanted : some de-
mon thrust under his very nose an advertisement of "A house to
be sold, moat delightfully situated at a convenient distance from
London, enjoying the supereminent advantage of commanding
coaches, up and down, four times it-day ;' and he fell plump into
the snare. The seven hundred and fifty pounds per annum were
completed, and away to Turnham.Green went Mr. 'Wald. lie had
never been fond of company, thereby meaning visitors, occasional
droppers-in ; they interfered with his habits.
" It was on the fifth of August that the Wadds took possession
of the new mansion. On the sixth (Friday), as the dock struck
five, and just as they were sitting down to dinner, the stage-coach
stopped at the door. The servant announced the arrival of Mr. and
Mrs. Robert Wadd and Master Tom. Rufus stood like one
transfixed—like his royal namesake, if you please. 'By Jingo,
Rufus,' exclaimed his cousin Bob, you are at the most convenient
distance! delightful! Fine afternoon, nothing to do, at half-past
three, Betsy and I took it into our heads to come down,: no sooner
said than done,—capital loin of veal that, upon my word,—took
little Tom with us--.. Tom, my dear, don't be picking. the edges of
that tart, they'll ,give you some presently jumped into a Turn.l
hatn-Green coach at the Goose and Gridiron, and here we are, just
its pudding-time.' There was no parrying this blow, but Rufus re-
solved to avail himself of the sweetest vengeance iat occurred to
him : knowing that his visitors were fond of a little of the aidney,
be-swallowed the whole of it himself.—' Capital port this, Rufus.—
Now see, Betsy, my dear, 'tis as I told you, a most convenient dis-
tance : plenty of time to take one's wine comfortably, get a cup of
—lla ! where's Tom ? 0, I see him amongst the strawberries.
[Rufus's heart sank within Itiml Can't leave the little fellow with
you to-night, but he shall come and spend a month with you before
we lose the fine weather : nice distance for the boy. As I was say.'
lag, time to take our wine and coffee; at half-past eight the
stage calls for us, and at ten there we are at home. Charming'
distance, isn't it, Betsy, my dear ?'—Half-past eight came, and
the guests went. This won't do, thought Rufus. But he not
only thought it, he said it, and swore it too. That night he
slept not.
" The nest day (Saturday) he gave strict charge to the servants
that, if any one should conic to dinner, they were to say the family
were all out. The order happened to be needless, for no one did
come, and Rufus began to sesame his usual good humour. At
eight o'clock a siege-coach drove up to the gate, and down jumped
little, round, red, tat man, with a small portmanteau in his hand.
fr Au—the--ilevil—it—that, and what can he want ?'--It was
'obbley the under-writer, one of the pleasantest fellows in the
—city, and one whom Mr. Wadd was always delighted to

at other people's houses. Ha I Wadd, my boy I Mrs. W. I'm
yours—lie ! Miss Jetnina! Delightful house, I &clam ; conies '
up to all I have heard of it ! And the distaneu! Stage sets you
down at the very door, the—very—door. Nice house, indeed, and
-Bow, wow, wow ! that'll never do. Yeu must chain up that
doa to-night, Wadd ; I can't sleep in a house where there is a dog
barking.'—' Sleep I' echoed Wadd ; why surely you arc not
cente to sleep here?' I'm not come to lie awake all night, I cm:
tell you that. Ha! ha! ha! you know my way : I always take
the bull by the horns. Ha! ha! ha! first come, firs; served. Ha !
ha ! ha! you may have the house full to-morrow—Sunday, you
know—and then Sam Wobble might come off second best. But
don't put yourselves out of the way ; any thing will do for me ; a
garret, any thing, only let me have a good bed and plenty of pil-
lows. I leave that to you my dear Mrs. W. I have a short neck
and mutt sleep with my head high, else 1 might go off suddenly in
the night, and a funeral in a newly-furnished house would snake
such a mess, wouldn't it, Wadd ? 1 suppose you have dined ? So
have I. I know you are supping-people, so I dined early. Well,
I'll just go and make myself comfortable and come down to you.
Charming house, delightful distance, I declare Where can we
put him ? inquired Mrs. Wadd ; we can't turn him out now he
is hem.'—' There is the blue bed,' replied Wadd ; It has never
been slept in, and may require airing in case I should want to use it
myself; the very thought of a damp bed makes me tremble, so put
him into that.
"The next day was, as Mr. Wobble had sagely foretold it would
be, Sunday, a day of all others dearest to Rufus Wadd, who liked
to have his time, as, indeed, he liked to have every thing else, to
himself. But:tohim this Sabbath was no day or rest.' Ihe twelve
o'clock coach brought Mr. and Mrs. William Wadd, who apolo-
gized for not getting down in time for breakfast, the distance being
so short it was shameful to lose the fine of the morning • but then
the one o'clock coach made ample amends to the amiable host, for
it brought Mr. Parkins (the currier) and his son, lust in time for
luncheon. The distance is so convenient,' observed the latter,
'that one can calculate one's time to a moment ; and then the lux-
ury of being set down at the very door !' I'll set fire to the house
thought Rufus. The next conveyance introduced Peter Wadd.
I am sorry your wife is nut with you,' said Rees, patting the best
face on the matter, yet heartily glad at seeing him ruins. You
know how it is, Rufus; women are never ready ; but as the dis-
tance is not worth mentioning, I left them to come by themselves by
the next stage.'—' Theta! ! o—ay -the two Miss Praters are
staying with us, so we couldn't do less than invite them to come
with us. As I said to; Jane, where two can dine three can dine,
and--besides you can make an addition to your provision with so
little difficulty, at this charming place—you are at such a convenient
distance !'
These two or three days are types of most of those which fol-
lowed. Mr. Wadd saw his projects frustrated, his hopes of leisure
and retirement destroyed. He was seldom left alone, except when
he would have given one of his ears for society.
" One morning at breakfast, while Rufus was reading the Morn-
ing Post, Mrs. Wadd and Jewiima were alarmed at hearing a sort
of rattling sound in the good man's throat. The p,,per had fallen
from his hand, ands piece of toast was sticking in ins mouth : he
was within an ace of choking, but their attentions presently revived
him. He spoke not, but pointed to the paragraph which had so
fearfully affected him. It ran as follows: 'We arc happy to learn
that four Omnibuses, each carrying sixteen inside, will run daily
between the City and Turnhain-green.'
" It is supposed that Mr. Rufus Wald is gone with his family
to reside at one of the moat distant settlements on the Swan Rive
P.r.
.«