The Sun.
London, England, 1829-08-20 00:00:00

IRISH POLICE INTELLIGENCE,

(From the Dublin Morning Register of Tuesday.;
HENRY-STREET POLICE-OFFICE, Auo.. 17,

A PHILOSOPHER.—Patrick Tuohy, a stout little
fellow, dressed in a long frize outside coat, a body
coat of the same materials, thick corduroy panta-
loons, and worsted stockings, and having an O'Con-
nell green handkerchief tied loosely about his neck,
was brought before the Magistrate on three specific
charges—being drunk, ill-behaved, and noisy.
MAGISTRATE—WeII, Mr. Tuohy, what have you
to say to this? Tuohy—All I have to say, your
Worship, is, that it may be true, or it may be false,
I wont dispute about it. I know this, however, and

I am quite positive of it, that last night I took as
much whiskey as would make three men, twice my
size, drunk; but for all that, I don't remember being
drunk, I don't remember being ill-behaved, and I
don't remember being noisy.
Watchman—l never, in the whole course of my
life, saw a man so drunk.
Tuohy—All that may be true ; hut if you were
o kill me for it, I could not say whether I was or not.
MAGISTRATE—Very well, Mr. Tuohy, I shall

send you to Newgate.
Tuohy—Very well, your Worship, I am thankfst
to you, whatever you do ; if you massacred me, 1
would say I was obliged to you; I drank an im-
mensity, your 'Worship.
MAGISTRATE—Remove him, I shall consider
what to do with him.
Tuohy—l am really obliged to your Worship;
but the whiskey was very good, and I drank plenty
of it; I drank twice as much as I could hold.
A PHILOLOGIST.—A man, named Nolan, a mas-
ter tailor, complained that an assault had been com-
mitted upon a child of his, by a workman in his
employment, named Tinzothy Ussher. Ussher was
a man about six feet high, having his body enve-
loped in a large blue surteut ; his hair was grey,
and he has it arranged in a most extraordinary man-

ner; it first fell down in an enormous queue, which
reached to the middle of his back, while the hair
upon the sides of his head fell down in large masses
upon either shoulder, and gave him the appearance
of a Cherokee warrior; from his chin there de-
pended a mass of grisly beard, which would have
done honour to a Jewish high priest.
MAGISTRATE—What have you to say to the
charge made against you, Ussher ?
Ussher—l have a profundity of the most glaring,
self-evident, and demonstrable proofs to defend
myself. Imprimis, your worship, every human being
that is personally known, or acquainted with Tim
Ussher, knows this of him, that I am of too subtle
a nature to harm a gassoon—that is a child, your
worship; it come from the word goose, meaning a
chill as simple as a goose, and is particularly refer-
rable here, your worship, for the father's a tutor.—
(Here Mr. Ussher smiled at his own wit.)—And,
secondly, your worship, even if I did give the child
a lick with my fist, surely every one must compre-
hend, that has any understanding at all, that the
blow could not be meant for the bassoon, but his
father, who is a great big basthoon—that word, you
see, your worship, comes from the Latin word bas.
You see I know a little Latin, sir; and bas is the
Latin for cow ; that is, ignorant as a cow as the old
proverb predicts—" he knows no more of such a

ihing than a cow does of a holiday ;" meaning that
a cow doesn't know Friday from Christmas•day ;
that is, that it has DO sense of religion, and that's
what I say of Nolan, who wouldn't discharge the
debt he owed me on a Sunday, and that's what
made him kick up this conflagration on me, and
that's all I have to say to his charge.
MAGISTRATE--Take a peace-information against
this man.

Take me out of this, said Ussher, after that con-
demnable misnomer. It's mighty impossible en-
tirely to find an individual that knows a word of
English. Sure, if 1 kept the peace there ought to
be no information against me, and if I broke it,
ought it not to be called an assault information ?
peace information, indeed?