The Sun.
London, England, 1842-08-02 00:00:00

NEW MONTHLY MAGAZINE.

In a diverting tale, with the ad captandarn title of the
" Grimsby Ghost," Mr. Hood thus whimsically discus-
ses the theory of apparitions. " Ghosts be hanged ! No
such things in nature; all laid long ago, before the wood
pavement. What should they come for ? The colliers
may rise for higher wages, and the Chartists may rise
for Reform, and Joseph Sturge may rise for his health,
and bread may rise, and the rising generation may rise;
but that the dead should rise only to make one's hair
rise, is more than I can credit. Suppose yourself a
ghost. Well, if you come out of your.grave to serve
a friend, how are you to help him ? And if its an
enemy, what's the use of appearing to him, if you can't
pitch into him ?" This is excellent logic, as far as
male goblins are concerned, but Mr. Hood forgets that
nothing is more likely than tb.at female apparitions
should rise and visit their old acquaintance, if only for
the purpose of showing off their new dress ! One of the
best authenticated ghost stories on record, is that
of the wooden Highlander at a tobacconist's in ILA-
born, who walked up stairs into his owner's bed-room
one night, and assured him, on the honour of
a gentleman, that he had just had his head knocked oft'
by the Marquis of Waterford ! The tobacconist rose in
a fright, rushed down stairs, and there, sure enough, was
the Highlander, standing at the shop door without his
head, which is a proof—as all the old women in the
neighbourhood asserted—that the story must have been
true ! Mr. Hood relates an anecdote quite as authentic
as this—namely, that the figure-head of the ship Bri-
tannia appeared early one morning to a drunken boat-
swain, and informed him that the vessel of which she
formed a portion, had been wrecked the previous night
elf Cape Cod ! Capital stories these to relate by a
Christmas fire-side, when. the clock is striking twelve,
the wind is howling down the chimney, and coffins are
bouncing out of the grate. " Short Rides in an Author's
Omnibus" is a series of brief aphoristical remarks, some
of which evince much worldly sagacity. The uuthor is
Mr. Horace Smith, who, unlike Swift and Rouchefoucault,
adopts the most favourable views of humanity in all his
observations. Indeed he plainly tells us he is an Opti-
mist, though not of the Doctor Pangloss school. "Remi-
niscences of a Medical Student" is a thrilling narrative
of a two-fold murder, perpetrated under the most mys-
terious circumstances. The story exhibits much of that
truthful, earnest, matter-of-fact air which arrested the
reader's attention so forcibly in Mr. Warren s " Physi-
cian's Diary." The "Five Incumbents" is an amusing
series of sketches of character, in the course of which an
anecdote is told of the late Lord Eldon, which—if true,
and we see no reason to doubt it—redounds greatly to
his credit as a man of feeling and generosity. The pre-
sent chapters of the " Barnabys in America" are heavy
and wire-drawn, with the sole exception of the scene
wherein the clever, intriguing widow is represented as
reading her manuscript Journal of Travels in the United
states, to a party of American slave-owners at New
Orleans. This scene, though somewhat caricatured, is
full of rich humour. We quote Mr. Hood's quaint
sketch of the "Undertaker," which is in the punning,
pointed, obsolete manner of old South or Butler :
As a Neighbour he is to be shunned. To live opposite to him
is to fall under the Evil Eye. Like the Witch that forespeaks
other Cattle, he would rot you as soon as look at you if it could
be done at a Glance ; but that Magic being out of Date, he con-
tents himself with choosing the very Spot on the House Front
that shall serve for a Hatchment. Thenceforward he watches
your going out and your coming in : your rising up and your
lying down, and all your Domestic Imports of Drink and Vic-
tual, so that the Veriest She Gossip in the Perla' is not more
familiar with your Modes and Means of Living, nor knurs so
certainly, whether the Visiter that calls daily in his Chariot is
a mere Friend or a Physician. Also he knows your Age to a
Year, and your Height to an Inch, for he hath measured you
n ith his Eye for a Coffin, and your Ponderosity to a Pound,
erefer
of a Church-
yard for he hath an Interest in the Dead Weight, and hath so far in-
quired into your Fortune as to guess with what Equipage you
shall travel, on your last Journey. Far, in Professional Curi-
ositys,shemielsatnruchsly,
ly a Pallas to live in view y
o
Pry. , to dwell near him
yard ; but to be within Sound of his Hammerings is to hear
the Knocking at Death's Door.
To be Friends with an Undertaker is as impossible at to be
the Crony of a Crocodile. lie is by Trade a Hypocrite,
isWhcrite, and
deals of Necessity in Mental Reservations and uivoques.
Thus he drinks to your good Health, but hopes, secretly it will ,
not endure. lie is glad to find you aro so hearty as to be Apo- I
pectic ; and rejoices to see you so stout,—with a short Neck.
He bids you beware of your old Gout—and recommends a
Quack Doctor. He laments the malignant Fever so prevalent
—and wishes you may get it.t Hecompliments your Com-
plexion—when it is Blue o Yellow
.0
; admires your upright
Carriage,—and hopes it will break,. down.
-?lshes you Good
Day, but means everlasting Night ; and commends his Re-
spects to your Father and Mother—but hopes you do not honour
them. In short, his good Wishes are treacherous ; his Ineui-
and his Civilities are dangerous; Inqui-
ries are suspicious; as w en
he troffereth the Use of his Coach—or to see you Home.
For the rest. he is still at odds with Humanity
; at corstant
issue with its Naturalists, and its Philanthi °pins, its Sous,
its Counsellors, and its Legislators. For example, he praises
the Weather—with the Wind at East ; and rejoices in a wet
Spring and Fall, for Death and he reap with one Sickle, and
have a good or bad Harvest in common. He objects not to
Bones in Bread (being as it were his own Diet), nor to ill
Drugs in Beer, nor to Sugar of Lead or arsenical Finings in
Wine, nor to ardent Spirits, nor to Interment in Churches.
Neither doth he discountenance the Sitting on Infants; nor the
swallowing of Plum Stones ; nor of cold Ices at hot Balls—nor
the drinking cf. Embrocations, nay la,;.hath been known to con-
tend that the wrong Dose was
dampshl;ed right one. He approves,
contra the Physicians, of a
lends,
1;4. wet Feet—of a hot
Head and cold Extremities, and his own Countenance to
encourage the Natural Small Pox, rather than enc,rage Vaccination—
which he calls a flying in the Face of Providence. Add to
these, a free Trade in Poisons, whereby the Oxalic Crystals
may currently become Proxy for the Epsom ones ; and the Salt in
cor-
rosive Sublimate as common as Porridge. To the same
• give unto every Cockney a Priv.] ere to shoot,
End he would
Taxede •
within ten miles round London, without a Licence, and
would never concur in a Fine or Deodand for Fast Driving,
except the Vehicle were a Hearse. Thus, whatever the To-
' Cry, he runs counter a Heretic in Opinion, and a Hy-
pinar
poerite in Praetiee, as s vhen he pretends to he sorrowful at a
Funeral • or, what is worse, affects to pity the ill-paid Poor,
set I yet lielpeth to screw them down.
To conclude, he is a Personage of ill Presage to the House
of Life : a Raven on the Chimney Pot—a Deathwatch in the
Wainscot—a Winding Sheet in the Candle. To meet with
him is ominous, His Looks are sinister; his Dress is lugu-