The Northern Guardian.
Hartlepool, Cleveland, England, 1896-12-25 00:00:00

WIT AINH HUMOUR.

!u.n rmExAsc.—A member eta volunteer nre nrt-
fade did not appear at the Tem, of the emiffigration
!until after the fire wri...l under control. The chief of
the fire department verimached him bitterly for his
neglect of duty. "lxce.ho,y fault," replied the
fireman, live a long Ivey from the lire." ••That'a
110 101011P0 . Yon must come,' nearer to the next fire."
WortnNor lie OtwooNt.—Mrs. Moriarty "Sure
it's just her luck lb Iyou hear av that now, Tim?"
Tim : What ic it, meth, le" Sire. Moriarty :
f. Wlint ix it' IcMx.Mrs.lirtainigort got foive hundred
fram the railroad for her boy't leg that Co. eon off
by. train. Ab,then it'. the fine aim che'll be puttin`
on now "' Tim Nicir mind, anther we'll
bob. that ! g.ln,, two taken off, and
that'll be tin hundred." Mrc. Moriarty •• Bleasin'a
on yes &what ! Tea alway. the rad boy you CO.
to help your poor omlmi mother.'
"Ma'am, or Ann MARTIOI9."—A eertain men
onee applied for a .mwant. The next day the *errant
I arrived. he asked how she would :uldress
_ _ .
"- -"-

• " Mister," said tie. servant. "No. that's not
right, I must he mild • Meader of all Modena,' my
cat • 'White Faced Siminv: my house • High Topper
fifountain,' my heal •My Barnacle.' the water
• Panderlornm', ti le fire, • Cockerlormat,' and any cloth.
' Squibs rod Crackers do vou understand 2"
mid the a rood. Next tempting, the
servant got up ratleT late Raid steal : •• Master of all
Plasters, get out of your Barnacle, put on your
Squibs and Crackers,for White Faced Siminy ham got
a spark of hot Cockerloraun on his tail, Red if you
don't pad mane Panderlorom on it,
.High Topper
Monntaan will be all of a Cuckerlornm. '
NEvRe Sanaa-zee—A allort time ago a man WA
his wife were nagging, when the wife made use of
the observation to her dem-Iv-beloved John : Yost
11/iVe been very reliem anll aorta-Readmit of late.
Yon do not cure for either me or the ehildren. I left
a good home to come to y,m, and when I married I
hadn't a rag to my back." •• my dear, I
don't see that you have say ranee for complaint. T
give you half of my food to get the other half
cooked, and I am keeping another man's daughter
and if yon ere not content, you had better leave.
You say you left a good home to come to me and
you haat not a rag to yonr back. Well, now both you
and the children are all rage. Ain't you satinfied
now, yon ragged thing."
Ties Rio-roles lallarraxß.—ln a certain village •
hey rata away from home, and his parents being too
; poor to go after him, asked the rea•tor to do wa, and
he consented. He found the boy, and M his efforts
to persuade him to retain. quoted the parable of the
; prodigal Ron—how hie father fell on his reek, and
; wept, and ;afterwards killed the (att.,' calf. "Ito
you think my father will kill the fatted calf for
, me?" questioned the boy. "Of course he will if you
, will but go home," stuovered the rotor. The lad
i thereupon decided to return. A few clays afterwards
the two met, "Well," said the motor, e"did your
father fall on your neck and weep?" "No, I don't
think he wept," answered the boy. "Did he kill
the fatted calf ? " asked the rector. "No, he
didn't waa the reply; " but he nearly killed the
nrolleal son.''

LEAVING THE BAR.
The Reflections of a Married Mtn.)
Drinks at the "Evening Star."
Just one more round with me.
Eleven striking !—I meet leave the bar
And jounwy home—to " tea!"

Alas ! to-night I know I uhall not sleep.
So let the beaker Mare.
For I shall have to suffer anguieh deep
When I get home :

Trembling rn ring the bell
At midnight both. dark;
And then—my wife !--Oh, I Blinn sox fare ../1
After this lark!

Soon must that painful interview take place
—Methinks I hear her voice arm. '—
And I shall have to meet her fiwe to face
When I have loft the her !

ON Tams HONLIMOON.—In a tramcar the other
day a well.dremed young man and a pretty girl wore
mete:were. They did not attract Inuoh attention,
anti probably only very altarp rpm noticed that they
out exceedingly dome, and that he held her hand
under the ample folds of his cape coat. The one
Bled and Oa 601110 distance had been
travelled dm young ram, evidently on the point of
encasing, hurriedly pulled out his landkirehief.
the eurprim of everyone, and to none more than the
couple themselves, out came a !Mower of rice. The
air was ?IBA with rim. It pattered on the newspapir„
of the man who sat opposlls, nettled down gently on
the muff of the young girl next, nod fell into the
woolen grating on the floor. There was a surprised
eilenee for a moment, and then a laugh ran round tho
ear,increming in volume m the passengern realiaed the
came of the disturbance. The effort of the young
couple to look onconseiom was a blustiing and
lamentable failure. "Bury," said the young hus-
band savagely under his breath, "when I jret hold
of your brother I'll wring hie little neck. Let's get
out."
THE &Man LIM roe JACIEDAW.—A baker kept a.
chop, and had a jackdaw that could tell:, and the
baker heard that the inspeetor of weights was com-
ing, and ache had got breat that tone :lot weight, he
pot it down the cellar. The next day the inspector
called to exatnine the bread, and found it all ourreet.
He tea. loaning the :Mop quite convinced, when he
hennl a voim cay "The light bread is down the
cellar." The inspector turning round and eceing
no one, wm leaving the shop again, when the same,
voice was heard again, :laying, "I tell you the light
bread is down the cellar." the inspector went down
the cellar, and found the bread wasn't weight, and
he held the baker that he 7444 have to summone hint
for selling bread underweight. When the Inept etstri,
went the baker Want enraged that he went to the
rage and caught the jackdaw by the neck, and after
twisting it a bit threw him in the backyard for dead.
iTik V911;-??o telf qp hone, the poor bird bad come
total', and went hopping romd the yard, and see-
ing a dead cat, put his beak in the eat'n ear and
shouted: "Hello, here, have you been saying my-
thing about the light bread?..; Z.. _
Vox Bx.winn SOO.N Ch000e0113.—" Thom!" Ac the
door.bal tairr 4anme in BUOeellaiOn, Von Blamer
imupea " fro. "1.4 pat with a look of intonate
annoyance, and turned"
ZLI swiftly to face hie
wife. "flare you been etuipp,-; _fatale?" he
inquired, mximoly. "No, dear," said 11,11,Y0u
131nmer. " I baren't been out of the house Ell"-clii?.;
"Then," said Von Blumer,tlarowing down it,, paper
with a gesture of impatience, " milers. No
eeoner does amen corny home from his work at the
office, worn out with hiaday'e eruggle, audprepared
to settle down ton quiet evening, than his peace is
dieturbeil by some confounded bon. Society is all
very well in its way, but what do these people care
for to, Never for them? Beret was just congratu-
lating mymlf that I would be able to get a good
night's rest; and now the dream is over. I've to sit
up md exert myself to he pleasant to a lot of idiota
that I wish we, in Halifax. It's just my luck—
tired out—all broken—'. Halloa what's thin?
A note? thnph ! Ah, yes, of mune ! Where are
cry boots hot a moment to lose. Show him
into the parlour, Dinah. Where—." " Whet.
it deer ? asked M.. You Bitterer. "Who is it'"
repeated her husband, as he ruithed by her "Who
is it ! Hooray ! It's Dimpleton, with two tickets
for the theatre !"
Hunk° rite Aker:ea.—Sam Pemberton, who had
been in hie younger days captain of a whaling venal,
woe invited with hie wife to take supper at a neigh-
bour's, and during the meal someone pawed the
captain a plate of Acme, whereupon hie wife be-
came much agitated, and exclaimed, "See, Pember-
ton, you be mreful how you eat cheese. You knows
how I have to antler when you do." All who were
seated about the table were curious to know how it
tram that 31re. Pemberton should Ruder when Mr.
Pemberton an' cheese, and m the Captain explained
after this nom,. " tell ye what Maria means,
Y,. roe, about a week after I'd left the ship, we were
viaitin' our danghter Jane down lathe country, an.
one night, sae had for suppar some oheeee or good
deal like chic, an' m I Eke cheese, I ate quite a lot on
it. Wml, atter I'd gone to bed, I bed Oh' greatest
dream ye ever heer'd tell of. I dreamed I was
aboard me ole ship, an' there earn up such a storm
Safe never see. I seed there mon't hut one thing
to do, yet yelled to the filet mate, 'Heave over the
bow anchor.' Wall, he tried, but eomehow he
couldn't do it, whereupon I sprung up, an' yelled
'Stand aside, ye landlubber. an me me heave it..
An' after tugg:ng a good deal over it went. But
would ye believe me that ole how anchor began Br
holler, 'Sara Pemberton, Sam Pemberton, what are
pee er.doin' of ?' That waked ine up, an' what dew
ye Wpm: I'd did. Instid of throwin' over the bow
asachor, I'd pitched Miriar oat of bed."

Dangsroula Forniture.—Armed chairs
Alphahetie•l Vanity.—Every man imagines him-
self to be • capital I.
Curious Market Announeement.—Coffee stronger.
Progressing Favourably.—Tho mar rho jumped
up au the spur of the moment.