The Sun.
London, England, 1827-02-14 00:00:00

DISSERTATION -UPON DINNEAS,

• (Front as Monthly and European Magazine.
Thin we, eltatly perceive will be an excelltnt article. The sub
•_. jest is mixed. up, with, such social associations, and so intiMatel.
*kid in the " mind's eye" with all the leading politital topic.
*biota have stiried England,
and consequently Europe, withi).
• -the memory of the present generation, thaLit must quicken eves:
stupidity itself.. A Dissertation upon Dinners ! inspiring thetne
Other subjects appeal each to its particular class; brit this,
thenir.w.ehreather is universal. It has been said, peradventur.
ciiri;ctay, that. England is the land of dulness : a fact which,
•
true, is yet neutralized by the saving circumstance of it,
bajacalso the land of dinners.- Nothing can be here done veith-
leak valionera It is Jolla Bull'. Utopia, or Fairy Land ; his
road* of dainty devices," where his fancy, feeling, wit, and
geed-bumour keep pace with his appetite, and are, by a logical
consequence, exhaustless.
-There are Shades of differertee in dinners, as in devotion ; and
ad hough we.cannotfind, it its our hearts to speak ill of et,}nasti-
ostipg sect (we are no bigots, but look charitably on every kind
of eating), yet nevertheless we have our oreferences. There is,
for instance, civic—the diplomatic-a
—the legal—the
the
biblical—and, lastly, the pastoral dinner, or that given to his
tenantry by tome syeophaa tic landowner, just two weeks before his
election. This last; notwithstanding
_our vaunted toleration, wr
pronounce detestable—we would add, diabolical, were we hot
afraid of being called plagiarists from the newspapers. What can
-be more afflicting than to see a parcel of vulgar, villainous mouths,
~.,,.sitretChed in sardonic cachilmation from ear to ear, while their
,
'fawners, stuck sixty in a barn, with an overseer in corduroy
its; at the head, keep-fighting like game-cocks for the first
of a superannuated mutton, cold as charity, or an underdone
wedge, from some unhappy prize ox, who died about ten days
• Ivies/I.of the dropsy;!. Yet this is a country gentleman's ovation,
relive 4:".0j• '
14 we i
have seen t ourselves, to some sixty small farmers,
.17who after icrinibling through its starveling compound, are re-
toaat their landlord in swipes. Far different is the civic
dinner • (not the last), that beau-ideal of gastric civilization. We
senseless soul who can uninspired survey such a sympo-
sit; he mast be more or less than man. With what an air
the Aldermen bestir ibeniselves for the skirmish ! With
0") •'%tibit TtleXterity they arrange their weapons! HoW they lick
41eir lift, and twinkle -their . peepers, in all the manifest
'yearpressiveness of genius! Would. you not wear that they
ra ,;:,a.:hatr,•-•been bound apprentices si to their appetite from childhood,
alcf.asssa,:....lvettra -dirks house of Bacchtir-and Co.,- articled by
isideiitirea never to be cancelled bat with life? The fact is, that
aara:e.a•atheappeeite ie.& chief, indeed•the only reqksiaite for an Alder-
masa: is. (iir should be) chosen like Alatiornetan niistreSees,
by the pound, and venerated solely- in proportion to his ciretuna
Terence. Thal an Aldermen weighing twenty stone thaiild be more
• • honoured than one weighing only nineteen -blit he who lifted up
the scale with a ton attached to it shesild be deified. For our-
selves), yea Ipok -.upon a Guildhall dinner to be an epoch to date
from;' of it as a toibject too awful for superficial medita-
flow; 'and that suchis-the popular opinion is manifest, from the
fact that your trite-:oitizens; however sportive at other times, are
invariably in earnest at:dioner. 'No man ever yet seated himself
at the Mansion-House avho was not seriously bent on plying his
grinderis to thea...'cnioitifhe did, he was a timeless string, at dis-
etint with '..na• harmony of the place, which has, from time im-
nlem°L.tal, prescribed one uniform, unchanging music. Indeed,
v;:osts ave,come,to reflect on the subject, we are_convinced that the
• only, genuine "-national melodic*" are those, resulting frOm an
Alderinaria mouth,.when. properly tuned at Guildhall. We our,
solves are no discreditable musicians in this .respect; but we
bow.reverently to his scientific superiority. Independently of
suck vocal attractians, 'a civic- dinner-:-or, indeed, any dinner
at all.Laaia'reintiricable for the waveless calm that it spreads over
the-: Moat-stormy mind. Let -a- man- sit dowry to table ita a
pasitotionni• heialit at once finds hirnaelf insimed with its social
apiritr with-the very-first nioutlifal, his voice ainki fro-in-:the tem-
pesttusua aones,of the- north wind to the melodious modulations of
the zephyr; his face softens down into an ingenuous simper, and
finally he becemes as-, purely angelic as;_the imperfect limits of
htinian4atnye Talk,,not_to us then of
_care, and its
•
at*adanta; life knows hut one pleasure and one sorrow
•--a dinner," or noTainn"er. We at least conceive so--we who at
this present
.inotnent are scribbling our dissertation' with some
-
savoury anticipations in the perspective. Could the public see
our intelligent face, as we note down these amusing thoughts, they
would be quite charmed with its benevolence ; but let the scene
change-a-let our servant enter the parlour with information that
onr dinner is spoiled ; heavens and earth, what an alteration !
Our Vesuvius countenance would instantly put forth its most vol-
tatic passions ; and this Essay, now so agreeable, would be con-
Vetted into a Jeremiad, with a fiendish sarcasm running through
it, like quicksilver through a diseased frame. But we will not
anticipate affliction.
We are staunch admirers of Milton—we admire his purity, his
sublimity, his luxuriant imagery, his learned illustrations ; but
while we confess thus much, while we do justice to his descrip-
tions, We think but meanly of his dinners. Adam and Eve—
(hear it, ye misbelieving citizens)-dined at one o'clock, on dried
togs and spring water. We wonder they were not carried off by
a bowel complaint ; for our own parts, our sophisticated stomachs
would have spurned even Paradise without a larder ; but, fur-
nished with good cellars, kitchens, and pantries, why we think it
might have been made a pretty place. The public will perceive
from this that we are no Milton's ; indeed, our mind is any thing
but ambitious—hut, were we addicted to verse, certes we would
make a point of enriching our friend Watts's next Souvenir
with " Lyrics of the Stomach" (notes by Kitchiner), as a sequel
'Pt his " Lyrics of the Heart." And this brings us to the subject
of poets, under which head we have one maxim, founded on ex-
perience, to put forward, viz. never dine with a poet. Of all
dietetic miseries this is the worst. In the first place you are in-
vited at five o'clock, when the bard himself does not deign to
make his appearance till half-past six. He then comes in with-
out his cravat, pops down in front of a cold joint (once the left
leg of a sheep of genius like himself), which he saws into square
wedges with a knife eccentric as its master, and forthwith com-
mences a conversation upon L. E. L. But this is not all—ten to
one he is married ; in which case you are sure to be overlooked, for
women never fail to be vaccinated with the genius of their husbands,
a genius which not unfrequently runs, like a typhus fever (only in-
finitely more alarming), through the household. We ourselves
muttoned, a few days since, with an esteemed friend in the verse
line, and were waited on by a footman, who was himself a poet of no
slight consideration, inasmuch as he had contributed to the Literary
Gazette 16 sonnets, under the signature of " Adonis."' The cense-
matinees were obvious ; when we called for beer, we were helped
to brandy—presented with a quartern-loaf, instead of a clean
plate--and nearly suffocated with half-a-pint of castor oil, which
we had swallowed in mistake for noyeau. How opposite to all this
is a dinner given by a parson ! By a parson, we mean one who
loves church and state, and never fails in a certain steady—not
. voracious—appetite, becOrning a Christian and a preacher. Dis-
senters we eschew ; and until we find from experience that they pay
more attention to gastronomy, 'hall always look upon them shud-
&kingly,' yet pityingly, as men without the pale of redemption.
Amongst the ancients,
Vitellins was,perhaps the most gentle-
'Manly epicure that ever existed : Heliogabalas, too, krieW how to
give a good dinner ; so indeed, did Lucullus : but there was a
"scientific "propriety about the first, which modern times have
never:equalled. Even Sardanapalus was not without talents as a
gastronomist; and had the darkness of his times permitted, might
have endeared himself to the palates of posterity. At the present
day, O'Doherty and Kitchiner are almost the only living au-
thors •who,have; studied .the philosophy of the stomach with
the attention .due to. its importance. Of the former we
have already- made honourable mention ; it remains to say,
that the latter has published " Directions for Diners out,"
characterized by a calm and enlarged spirit, feelingly alive to the
**aria/a prejudices of mankind. Nothing, indeed, is so difficult as
to know how to give a good dinner; one, we mean, that shall please
the most-fastidious palate, and tickle the amateur of mutton, while
at shoe! as 'not the insensibilities of the connoisseur of beef. Our
late Mena; 'the lamented Robert Edkins, was a genius of this
stamp; fteave hire actually known him to invite half-a-dozen bi-
gotted epicureans to his table ; the first of whom professed an he-
reditary aversion to rum steak—the second to turbot—the third
tove!'"1"171-1": pa ;fourth to veal—the fifth to roast goose—while
the six.th""waa-aliinnOh:lieced from that orthodox sect who be-
11eye in 'the fallibility
ia ! sirloin.Cr
But, alas ! how transitory
flower
of hie ;04-11.4,,--.0.-7-tateearrisiti_ young man was cut off in the
• tap of thirty-two, in consequence
of apoplexy, °e'comnqnsa oaa e consumption of Kirk White, by
' too zealous a 'devotion to lii, art. 111-fated friend ! it has been
our painful lot for years to dine without thee for years
to sit beside a table unenlightened by wine
but, nevertheless, the soothing reflection expressive features ;
remains, that it is here
permitted us to close a Dissertation upon Dinners with an appro-
priate apostrophe to thy shade :---" Si quit; Epicurorum Manibus
locus (we quote from memory), si, ut sapi„tibus
placer, non
ruin corpora extinguuntur magnet aninte, placide:quieseas, nosque
..donitni, maw, a muhebri lamentation; ad contemplationem vir-
„,:t.Autent, thaum, voces, qua[ neque lugeri neque plangi faa eat.
,N ro .ultos veterum velut inglorrs et ignobiles oblivio obruet,
-,Elkins posteritati narratuo et traditus, super:tea orit." t
'' his,promieing young poet has been, we are grieved to add,
tlitlilikfew months, transported for life. He was always
djier'eghlar in his motions.
t Tacat*de. Vita Agricolx.