The Sun.
London, England, 1866-08-30 00:00:00

Artemus Ward in London.

The following is the first instalment of a series
of contributions by Artemus Ward to Punch, or the
London Charivari :
Mr. Punch—My dear Sir,
You prob'ly dinn't meet my uncle Wilyim whon he was

on those shoros. I jedgo so from the fack that his pur-
soots wasn't litrary. Commerce, which it has been trooly
observed by a Statesman, or somebody, is the foundation
stone onto which a nation's greatness rests—glorious Com-
merce, was uncle Wilyim's fort. He sold soap. It smelt
pretty, and redily commanded two cents a cake. I'm the
only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a
dear cuzzun who wrote 2i. versis onto "A Child who
nearly Died of the Measles, 0 !" but as ho injoodiciously
introjuced a chorious at the end of each stanzy, the pa-
rents didn't like it at all. The father in particlor wept
afresh, assaulted my cuzzun, and said ne never felt so
ridicklus in his intire life. The unhappy resolt was that
my cuzzun abandind poetry forever, and went back to
shoemakin' a shattered man.

My uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap and returned

to his nativ land with a very exolted opinyin of the
British public. "Itis a edycated community," said he ;
"they're a intellectooal peple. In one small village alone
I sold 50 cakes of soap, incloodin barrouial halls,
where they offered me a ducal coronet, but I
said no—give it to the poor." This was the
way Uncle Wilyim went ou. He told us, how-
ever, some stories that was rather too much to be

easily swallerd. In fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not a
emblem of trooth. Ile retired some years ago on a hansum
comptency derived from the insurance-money ho received

on a rather shaky skooncr ho owned, and which turned up
while lyin at a wharf one night, the cargo Navin fortnitly
been lVillooved tho day afor. tiw
Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most sing'ler things
he ever heard of ; and, after collectiu the insurance-money,
he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to his farm in
Pennsylvany. He was my uncle by marrigo only. I do
not say that he wasn't a honest man. I simply say that if

you have a uncle, and bitter experunco tells you it is more
profitable in a pecoonery pint of view t 3 put pewter spoons
instil of silver onto tho table when that uncle dines with

you in a frenly way—l simply say there is sumthun wrong
in our social sistim, which calls loudly for reform.
I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool and proceeded at
once to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liver--
pool, because it was named in honour of a countryman of
mine who didn't get his living by makin' mistakes, and
whose mem'ry is dear to civilised people all over the

world, because he was gentle and good as well ag
trooly great. We read in Histry of any number of
great individooals, but how few of 'em, alars ! should
we want to take home to supper with us? Among
others, I would call your attention to Alexander the Great,
who conkerd the world, and wept because he couldn't do
it sum more, and then took to gin-and-seltzer, gettin'
tight every day afore dinner with the most disgustin' re-
g'larity, causin' his parunts to regret they hadn't 'prenticed
him in his early youth to a biskit-baker, or some other
occupation of a peaceful and quiet character. I say,
therefore, to the great men now livin' (you could put 'em
all in Hyde-park, by the way, and still leave room for a
large and respectable concourse of rioters)—be good. I
say to that gifted but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be
good and gentle in your hour of triump. /always am. I
admit that our lines is different, Bismarck's and mice ; but
the same glo'rus principle is involved. lam a exhibiter
of startlin' curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetiy, (" either
of whom," as a American statesman, whose name I ain't
at liberty to mention for perlitical resins, as he expecks
to bo a candidate for a prom'nent ofliss, and hence
doesn't wish to excite the rage and jelisy of other show-
men—" either of whom is wuth double the price of admis-
sion"); I say I am a exhibitor of startlin' curiositys, and I
also have my hours of triump, but I try to be good in
'em. If you min " Ah, yes, but also your hours of grief
and misfortin ;" I answer, it is troo, and you probly refer
to the circumstans of my hirin' a young man of dissypated
habits to Ex hisself up as a A real Cannibal from New
Zeelan, and when I was simply telling the audience that he
was the most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, and that, alone
and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow-countrymen,
and that he had even contemplated eating his Uncle
Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other near and
dear relatives—when I was makin.' these simple statements,
the mis'ble young man said I was a, lyer, and knockt me off
the platform. Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and
trod hevily on me, and as he was a very muscular person
and wore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a
canary bird wasn't welkin' over me.

I admit that my ambition ovelept herself in this instuns,
and I've been very careful ever since to deal square with
the public. If I was the public I should insist on square-
ness, tho' I shouldn't do as a portion of my audience did on
the occasion jest mentioned, which they was emplyed in
sum naberin' coal mines. "As you hain't got no more
Cannybals_lo, show us, old man," said one of 'em, who
seemed to be a kind of leader among 'em—a tall dis'gree-
ble as you seem to be out of Oannybals, we'll
sorter look round here and fix things. Them wax figgers
of yours want washin'. There's Napoleon Bonyparte and
Julius Caasar—they must have a bath," with which coarse
and brutal remark he imitated the shrill war-hoop of the
western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin'
companyins, he threw all my wax-work into the river, and
let my wile bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffen-
sive agricultooral community.
Leavin Liverpool (I 'in goin' back there, tho-1 want to
see the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while
I was there) I cunt to London in a Ist class car, passin' the
time very agreeable in discussin, with a countryman of
mine, the celebrated Schleswig-Holstein question. We
took that int'resting question up and carefully traced it from
the time it commenced being so, down to the present day,
when my countryman, at the close of a few hours' army-
mated debate, said he didn't know anything about it him-
self, and
wanted to know if I did. I told him that I
did not. lie's at Ramsgate now, and lam to write to him
when I feel like givin him two days in which to discuss
the question of negro slavery in America. But now Ido
not feel like it.

London 0 last, and I'm stopping at the Greenlion
tavern. I like the lan'lord very much indeed. He had
fallen into a few triflin orrers in regard to America—he
Was under the impression, for instance, that we of hay
over there, and had horns gro win out of the back part of
our heads--but his chops and beer is ekal to any I ever
porteek• You must cum and see me, and bring the boys.
I,ra told that Garrick used to cum here, but I'm growin
skePtYcal &bout Garrick's fav'orit taverns. I've had over
500 Publie_houses
pinted out to me whore Garrick Went.
I was lndooced one night, by a seleck cowp'ny of Britons,
to visit 84m 25 public-houses, and they confidentially told
me that Garrick used to go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr.
Johnson. This won't do, you know.
May hi I've rambled a bit in this communycation—l'll
try and be more collected in nay next, and meanwhile,
WieVe a Irply Yours, Aunava WAitzt,

LATEST INTELLIGENCE.

(REUTER'S TELEGRAMS.)

THE TREATY OF PEACE.

VIENNA, Aug. 29.

The treaty of peace just concluded between Aus-
tria and Prussia contains an article relative to the
question of the Elbe duchies. The article stipulates
that Prussia shall continue to pay all pensions
granted by Austria to holstein officials ; that
Austria shall hand over to Prussia the amount of
450,000 Danish thalers belonging to the Holstein
finances, at present in her keeping ; that no 11°1-
stein official shall be called to account or otherwise
molested for reasons connected with past events.