The Sun.
London, England, 1866-08-30 00:00:00

Artemus Ward in London.

The following is the first instalment of a series
of contributions by Artemus Ward to Punch, or the
London Charivari :
Mr. Punch—My dear Sir,
You prob'ly dinn't meet my uncle Wilyim when ho was
on these shores. I jedge so from the fack that his pur-
soots wasn't litrary. Commerce, which it has been trooly
observed by a Statesman, or somebody, is the foundation
stone onto which a nation's greatness rests—glorious Com-
merce, was uncle Wilyim's fort. Ile sold soap. It smelt
pretty, and redily commanded two bents a cake. I'm the
only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a
dear cuzzun who wrote 22 vorsis onto "A Child who
nearly Died of the Measles, 0!" but as he injoodiciously
introjuced a chorious at the end of each stanzy, the pa-
rents didn't like it at all. The father in particler wept
afresh, assaulted my cuzzun, and said ne never felt so
ridicklus in his hake life. The unhappy resolt was that
my cuzzun abandind poetry forever, and went back to
shoemakin' a shattered man.
My uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap and returned
to his nativ land with a very exolted opinyin of the
British public. "It is a edycated community," said he;
" they're a intellectooal peple. In one small village alone
I sold 50 cakes of soap, incloodin barronial halls,
where they offered me a ducal coronet, but I
said no—give it to the poor." This was the
way Uncle Wilyim went on. He told us, how-
ever, some stories that was rather too much to be
easily swallord. In fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not a
emblem of trooth. He retired soma years ago on a ha,nsum
spa Davey Iglu, djrc.ttjyet_hi.7.. insurance-money received
while lyin at a wharf one night, the cargo havin fortnitiy"
been remooved the day afore the disastriss calamty occurd.
Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most sing'ler things
he ever heard of ; and, after collectin the insurance-money,
he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to his farm in
Pennsylvany. Ho was my uncle by marrige only. I do
not say that ho wasn't a honest man. I simply say that if
you have a uncle, and bitter experunco tells you it is more
profitable in a pecoonery pint of view to put pewter spoons
instid of silver onto the table when that uncle dines with
you in a frenly way—l simply say there is sumthun wrong
in- our social skein; which calls loudly for reform.
I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool and proceeded at
once to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liver-
pool, because it was named in honour of a countryman of
mine who didn't get his living by makin' mistakes, and
whose mem'ry is dear to civilised people all over the
world, because he was gentle and good as well as
trooly great. We read in Histry of any number of
great individooals, but how few of 'em, alars ! should
we want to take home to supper with us? Among
others, I would call your attention to Alexander the Great,
who conkerd the world, and wept because he couldn't do
it sum more, and then took to gin-and-seltzer, gettin'
tight every day afore dinner with the most disgustin' re-
g'larity, causin' his parunts to regret they hadn't 'prenticed
him in his early youth to a biskit-baker, or some other
occupation of a peaceful and quiet character. I say,
therefore, to the great men now livin' (you could put 'em
all in Hyde-park, by the way, and still leave room for a
large and respectable concourse of rioters)—be good. I
say to that gifted but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be
good and gentle in your hour of triump. /always am. I
admit that our lines is different, Bismarck's and mice ; but
the same glo'rus principle is involved. lam a exhibiter
of startlin' cutiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry, (" either
of whom," as a American statesman, whose name I ain't
at liberty to mention for perlitical resins, as he expecks
to bo a candidate for a pronfnent offiss, and hence
doesn't wish to excite the rage and jelisy of other show-
men—" either of whom is wuth double the price of admis-
sion") ; I say I am a exhibitor of startlin' curiositys, and I
also have my hours of triump, but I try to be good in
'em. If you say, " Ah, yes, but also your hours of grief
and misfortin ;" I answer, it is troo, and you prob'ly refer
to the circumstans of my hirin' a young man of dissypated
habits to Ex hisself up as a A real Cannibal from New
Zeelan, and when I was simply telling the audience that he
was the most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, and that, alone
and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow-countrymen,
and that he had even contemplated eating his Uncle
Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other near and
dear relatives—when I was makin' these simple statements,
the mis'blo young man said I was a lyer, and knockt me off
the platform. Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and
trod hevily on me, and as he was a very muscular person
and wore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a
canary bird wasn't walkin' over me.

I admit that my ambition ovelept herself in this instuns,
and I've been very careful ever since to deal square with
the public. If I was the public I should insist on square-
ness, tho' I shouldn't do as a portion of my audience did on
the occasion jest mentioned; which they was emplyed in
sum naberin' coal mines. "As you hain't got no more
Canny ball to show us, old man," said one of 'em, who
seemed to be a kind of leader among 'em—a tall dis'gree-
ble skoundril—" as you seem to be out of ()annybals, we'll
sorter look round here and fix things. Them wax figgers
of yours want washin'. There's Napoleon Bonyparte and
Julius Ctesar—they must have a bath," with which coarse
and brutal remark ho imitated the shrill war-hoop of the
western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin'
companyins, he throw all my wax-work into the river, and
let my wild bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffen-
sive agricultooral community.
Leavin Liverpool (I 'in goin' back there, tho—l want to
see the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while
I was there) I cum to London in a Ist class car, passin' the
time very agreeable in discussin, with a countrynian of
mine, the celebrated Schleswig-Holstein question. We
took that int'resting question up and carefully traced it from
the time it commenced being so, down to the present day,
when my countryman, at the close of a few hours' anny-
mated debate, said he didn't know anything about it him-
self, and ho wanted to know if I did. I told him that I
did not. Ho 's at Ramsgate now, and lam to write to him
when I feel like givin him two days in which to discuss
the question of negro slavery in America. But now Ido
not feel like it.

London at last, and I'm stopping at the Greenlion
tavern. I like the lan'lord very much indeed. He had
fallen into a few triflin errers in regard to America—ho
was under the impression, for instance, that we et hay
over there, and had horns gro win out of the back part of
our heads—but his chops and beer is ekal to any I ever
portook. You must cum and see me, and bring the boys.
I'm told that Garrick used to cum here, but I'm growin
skeptycal about Garrick's fav'orit taverns. I've had over
500 public-houses pinted out to me where Garrick went.
I was indoocod one night, by a seleck comp'ny of Britons,
to visit sum 25 public-houses, and they confidentially told
me that Garrick used to go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr.
Johnson. This won't do, you know.
May be I've rambled a bit in this communycation —l'll
try and be more collected in my next, and meanwhile,
b'lieye me Irooly Yours, Ammvs WARD.