The Sun.
London, England, 1836-01-15 00:00:00

TIMOTHY MADDEN V. JOHN IVORY.

The plaintiff, a sombre-looking youth, whose optics were
nearly concealed from view by a pair of dark heavy eye-
brows, stepped forward to the witness's table, at the Dun-
garvan Petty Sessions, and being sworn, said—Please
your Worships, it may not be cognisable to you, that I,
Timothy, or Timotheus, vulgarly called in the Irish idiom,
Theague Madden, now located within a short distance of
Dungarvan, but erstwhiles a disciple of the school called
peripatetics ; am an inculcator to the juvenile mind, and,
as it will appear before you by the example I am going to
adduce, to the senile mind too—(A laugh)—l Am of that
profession in which Socrates delighted, and Diogenes found
a charm.

The Bench—Proceed, Mr. Madden, but not in such a
strain of learned eloquence.
Mr. Madden—l was recapitulating the exquisiteness of
refinement called for, or demanded in a gentleman whose
profession it is " to teach the young idea how to shoot," or
minister to a mind diseased ;" but I fear I cannot pro-
ceed, as this gentleman, Mr. Ivory, your Worships,
threatens me, vi et armis.—(Laughter.) Well, Sirs, Mr.
Ivory keeping the school, soon discovered that he was not
factus ad unguem—in more explicably language to ears
unlearned—that he was unacquainted with the cola neces-
saria—id est, with the necessary qualifications.—(Laughter.)
Mr. Ivory—Oh ! the liard.—(Roars of laughter.)
Mr. Madden—" To rear the tender thought," or supply
pabula to the mens divinior of his disciples. He having
been told by Fame of the humble individual who now
standeth before your high tribunal, begging justice as a
suitor in lowly guise, and expecting it at your hands—he
hired me—or rather entered upon an enmement with me,
to inculcate the rudiments of science and language to him-
self and scholars.

Bench—What have you to say, Mr. Ivory ?
Mr. Ivory, a hard-featured gentleman, bearing all the
outward marks of the country schoolmaster, self-important,,
domineering and irascible, with folded arms and stern brow,
said—You have heard a good dale of raumash from this gor-
soon, who I can tell your honours he is nothing more nor
less than a Hard. I don't deny that I hired him to teach.
I hired him to teach both myself and my scholars—he was
to perfecta me in Algebra and English Grammar, for the,
sum of 1/,—(Loud laughter.) He did not perfect me in
those branches, and I therefore refused more than I thought I
was his due.

Mr. Madden—Your Worships, he desires to baffle my
just claim by a plea of impossibility—it is as clear as Eu-
clid's fifth proposition—vulgo ditto—the "pons asinorum—
that Mr. Ivory's brain, though it may be as white, is yet as
hard as the name in quo gaudet, that is, Sirs, in which he
rejoices ;heis de facto—et quod denominatum est in omne
caso, 1 beg your honours' pardon, we sometimes ruminate
in the lingua latina—(Laughter)--but he is what he has
proven to be--a numbscull—and the Greek calends may
appear, before I would be nble to administer a knowledge
of cramp Algebra to his darkened pate.—( Loud laughter.)
Mr. Ivory, during this exposition, was chafing with mad-
ness, and at length gave vent to his indignation by calling
his professor " a Bard."

The defendant was obliged to pay the demand, and the
costs of the prosecution, greatly to his chagrin.