The Sun.
London, England, 1837-03-21 00:00:00

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.—MRS. NOGGY v. ME.
JAMES.—The defendant in this case might successfully
d'spute the palm for ugliness with the Egyptian god Bc-
bastes, a brazen perpetration of good old times. Imprimis
—The defendant had a most enormous pair of clay-coloured
whiskers, guiltless of brush, and totally ignorant of comb ;
Lehind these banditti accomplishments, sufficient soil had
accumulated to grow about a bushel of " mustard and
cresse !" Like the renowned " Tom Jones," his counte-
nance was well beautified wi h deep indentations of the
small pox—then too he had a most remarkable manner of
snapping with his mouth, after the fashion of a lunatic lap
dog in the fly-catching season—this, with a description of
Albino blinking of the eyes, completed (as one of the jury-
men observed) one of the most ugly outlines of the " human
form" that ever Staffordshire sent forth upon its blue ware ;
but even, as some one had lov'd that ugly monster Nero,
and strewed flowers over his grave, so some one had loved
and lent money to the beautiful Mr. James, and this was
Mrs. Noggy! " They had lived and lov'd together," and
they had also fallen out together ; and hence their appear-
ance in the Middlesex County Court.
Mrs. Noggy was a somewhat pretty woman, full faced,
and something like six inches upon the ribs ; and the inter-
change of looks which took place while the parties were in
Court created absolute roars of merriment —Byron said,
" I hate a dumpy woman !" Mr. James seemed to imply it.
Mr. CoMmissioner DUBOIS—What is this claim for,
Mrs. Noggy ? Plaintiff—Ah, Sir ! I only wish you know'd
what a willin that ill-lookin feller's bin to me. Its true ive
summoned him for a matter of thirty shillings, and perhaps
if I don't get it, perhaps I shant't care, and I don't care,
not so long as I've got to see him. Oh, Jemmy—you
cruel feller ! There, I'll never' believe another man while
I'm a living 'oman ; no, that I won't—(here plaintiff sighed
forth a fat sob).
Defendant (in a snuffling tone)—Noggy, you nose its all
your own fault.—(Laughter.)
Plaintiff—Oh you unbeliever! have you got the face to
tell me that?

COMMISSIONER—EvidentIy, the gentleman has a face
for anything but a looking-glass. How will you pay this
money, Mr. James ?

Defendant—l contend, Sir, I don't owe anything, and
I shall take the liberty of telling you why. Mrs. Noggy
had got a friend who drawed pictures, and at her solicita-
tion I sat to him for my portrait. Very well, Sir, I ad-
vanced the money, but when it was finished it was no more
like me than you are.—(Laughter.) The expression of
my face was altogether gone.—(Laughter, in which. both
Commissioner and Jurymen most heartily joined.)
COMMISSIONER—The expression gone ! Upon my word
'twas a most fortunate elopement!
Defendant—Then, Sir, there was a most personal verse
scribbled upon the back, which Mrs. Noggy must have
been at the bottom of.

COMMISSIONER—Indeed ; and, pray, what was it?
Defendant—Here's a copy of it, Sir.

The Commissioner read as follows :
" By the cock of his nose, by the bend of his chin—
By the twist of his mouth, where the wittles goes in—
By the whisker plantations, all bushy and red,-
And the roundabout crop on the top of his head,
We may swear by all this, without mentioning names—
'Tis the ugly of uglies—old frosty-faced James."
Now, Sir (said Mr. James), I ask you if such treatment
does not cancel all engagements ?
COMMISSIONER—CertainIy not. Mrs. Noggy says she
lent you the money and swears to it ; consequently you
must pay it. Surely you can have no objection ?
Defendant—Oh, Sir, the money's nothing ; 'tis the re-
flection on my person that annoys me ; but, however, I
shall pay Mrs. Noggy according to your order.
Thank'ee, Sir (said Mrs. Noggy, bridling up in all the
dignity of dropsical corpulency and lazy lassitude), that's a
sweet pretty worse as is just bin read.
Mr. James sorrowfully shook his good-(coking heal, and
took his original full length out of Court.

POLICE INTELLIGENCE.

MANSION-HO USE.

A tall, strapping, well-dressed woman, named Elizabeth
Harris, was brought before the LORD MAYOR, charged
under the 10th of George IV., cap. 26, s. 32, with having
applied to Mr. Graham, the paymaster of the Greenwich
out-rensioners, for the pen6on of a man named Stocking,
and presented him with a forged authority to obtain the
money, which amounted to 81. 7s.
The prisoner was fully committed for trial.
George Smitheis and Thomas Jackson, the men who
were examined some years ago for having broken into the
house of Mr. Heath, the merchant, and Sardinian Consul,
in the Old Jewry. were fully committed for trial. A des-
perate attempt was made to rescue these two ruffians. As
Chaney, the inspector, was conducting them handcuffed
through Bow-churchyard, in order to avoid the inconve-
nience of a crowd, two fellows, one of whom was dressed
like a coal porter, threw themselves down at the inspector's
feet, and endeavoured to grasp him by the legs. Chaney,
however, who is a powerful and active man, struggled away
from them, and ran after his prisoners, one of whom was
Just stepping into a cab near Queen-street, Cheapside, at
the moment he reached them. As they were handcuffed
they soon became his prisoners again. The two rescuers
escaped, but the cabman was brought before the Lord
MAYOR, and stated that he bad been engaged by a gentle-
man in St. Paul's churchyard to wait at Queen-street, and
he supposed, finding that the two men were getting in, that
the cab was meant for them.—The cabman was discharged.