The British Press; or, Morning Literary Advertiser.
London, England, 1825-09-02 00:00:00

LITRRART 01,114NINGL

No. XX.
[From Anstry's Pleader's
THE TRIAL
Aa tsken by en eminent Short Hand-Writer.
ronx.e..ouu. 41 et. JORM-A-GUDGEOPS, IrM
For the Plaintiff, Mr. Counsellor BOTHIK.UM ; for the Ddend.
ant, Mr. Counsellor Boan'uss.

•
Mr. Bornelean opens the pleadings. His Speech at length—
! rise with pleasure. I assure ye,
With transport to accost a Jury
Of your known eonscientious teeling,
Candour and honourable dealing,
From* Middlesex discreetly chosen,
A worthy and an upright dozen. (Aside.
This action, Gentlemen, Is brought
By John-a-Gudgeon, for a ton ;
The pleadings state "that Johma-Gull,
With envy, wrath, and malice full,
With swords, knives, sticks, staves, Bst, add bludgeon,
Best, bruised, and wounded John-a-Gudgeon.
First count's for " that," with divers jugs,
To wit, twelve pots, twelve cups, twelve mugs,
Of certain vulgar drink called toddy,
Said gull did sluice said Gudgeon's body;
The second count's for other toddy
Cast, flung, or hurl'd on Gudgeon's body;
To wit, his gold-lac'd hat and hair on,
And clothes which he had then and there on,
To wit, twelve jackets, twelve sonatas,
Twelve pantaloons, twelve pair of boots,
Which did thereby much discompose
'Said Gudgeon's mouth, eyes, ears, and nose,
Back, belly, neck, thighs, feet, and toes;
By which, and other wrongs unheard of
His clothes were spoil'd, and life despaired of."
To all these counts the plea I find
Is sou assault, and issue's join'd.
Such, Gentlemen, Is, word for word,
The story told on this record.
This fray was at a feast or revel
At Toadland, on the Bedford level,
Given, as was usual at elections,
By Gudgeon to his fen-connections.
They'd had a meeting at the Swan
The day before the poll began,
And thence adjourned it, to make merry
M'ith Mr. Coot, who keeps the terry.
Now John-a-Gull, who thrusts his nose
Wherever John.a.Gudgeon goes,
To this same feast without susnicion,
Utilised, it seems, had gain'd idrnisaion ;
Coot had just tinish'd an oration,
And Gudgeon, with much approbation,
Was singing an election ballad,
Penn'd by tit' ingenious Dr. !Stallard,
((Thu orthodox and learned writer,
Who bids so fairly for a mitre;)
When Gull, who heard this song or sonnet,
With Mr. Gudgeon's commeuts on it,
This Gull (whose very name denoted
The character for whom he voted)
Flourish'd his knuckles in derision,
And, with much promptness of decision,
Began to pummel and belabour
Tne short ribs of his peaceful neighbour ;
But first with tweaks assailed his Mee.
And interspersed said tweaks with blows;
Gudgeon explained, and Gull recourse had
To other tweak, like tweak aforesaid.
G—d knows, a milder, gentler creature
Never was seen in human nature,
Than the forbearing and well-judging
Discreet, and gentle John-a-Gudgeon •,
And, Gentlemen, there's no man's face is
Better received at all your races,
Wells, mouths, and water-drinking places;
Was Alderman and Mayor Elect
Once had the honour to be pricked
For Sheriff, which important station
He gained without solicitation.—
No doubt his Lordship recognizes
The coat he had on at Assizes,
A velveret, genteel and neat,
With tabby lin'd, and frogs complete,
Made for Squire Gudgeon's wedding ball,
When first he came to Webfoot Hall,
An ancient seat in th' Isle of Ely,
Where all the Gudgeons live genteelly,—
Which coat so trimm'd. so frogg'd, said Gull
Did spoil, besmear, and disannul,
With the moat villanous libations
Of the most silo of vile potations ;
For proof we'll call Gall's worthy friend,
Who keeps a school at Toadlend s End,
One Simon Trout, a pious pastor,
And Dr. Tenth, who spread the plaster,
And Farmer Chubb, an honest yeoman,
- OO *peaks the troth, and cares for no man ;
But above tai, to prove our case,
We'll show you Mr. Gudgeon's face,
Where every Injured fe.ture pleads
'Oainst John-a-Gull's atrocious deeds.
What facts, what species of excuse
My Broiler Bore'um will produce.
What case he'll make, and how maintain •
Ilis plea of son assault demesne,
Wise as he looks, you may rely on't
Ile knows no more than his own client-
'Tut for sou, Gentlemen, to say
%'hat dimage John-a-Gull shall pay;
'Tis In your wisdom, Gentlemen, to pull
Sr) wide the purse-strings of this factious Gun,
That he no more may triumph and parade
The streets of (ambtidge in a blue cockade,
singing the praises of a British Jury,
From the Pig Market to the Petty Cury
But back to l'oadland as he bends his way,
Whoe'er behold him to his friend may say,
Mark, how the Jury have rever'd the laws,
Glen the just judgment in the Gudgeon craw,
Taught the proud Gull to sing an humbler strain.
And sent Min waddling to his bogs again.
TEAMINATION OF WITNESSES TOIL TEE PLAINTIFF.
Mr. Simon Trout, Dissenting Preacher and Schoolmaster, exa-
mined by Mr.Bol.llElt'Ubl—Cioss-examined by Mr.1.1011E.U14.
Evidence of Dr. Tendi, Surgeon and Apothecary.
BOTMER. whispers his Attorney.
Pray are oar witnesses ail here,
Our scaly friends from Toadland Mere
Ally. Here's Dr. Tench, and Preacher Trout ;
And Fanner Chubb will come, no doubt.
Bother. Call Simon Trout—we'll first begin
With Mr. Trout—come, swear hint in.
Crkr. Here, Simon, you shall—(Silence there!)
The truth. and all the troth declare,
And nothing but the truth be willing
To speak, so help you li—d. (A shilling.)—(.lside.
Trout's sworn.—.
( Bother.) Pray, Sir, did you attend
Tb' election feast at Toadlano's End
The feast, I mean, before the poll-day ?
Trout. Yes, sir, I tarried there the whole day—
Albeit, I never go to dinners,
To feast with publicans and sinners,
And ever it has been my rule
On no account to quit my school,
As in my absence, I'm aware,
Satan will not be idle there !
I own, sir, I for once transgress'd ft,
The inward light so strongly press% It,
A call I never could withstand !
But touching the affair in hand,
As it regards the late election,
I've but a feeble recollection.
Bort. (Your inward light must fail you greatly,
If you've forgot what passed so lately.) (Algid&
Trout. There was a squabble, and some oaths,
And liquor spilt on plaintiff's clothes,
Squire Gudgeon's face was bruised, I've beard,
Hts Sunday raiment much besmear d,
And Dr. Tench informed me—
( Bore.) Pooh !
Don't tell us, Sir, what Tench told you—
Bother. Stop, Mr. hore'um, by your leave—
Bore. My Lord, I humbly do conceive--
Bother. These interruptions, I declare,
Would almost make a parson swear—
Bore. Do, Mr. Bother'um, let me speak—
Bother. Now he's begun he'll talk this week—
Bore. Well, Mr. Trout, so all you know, then,
Is what you've heard of plaintiff's clothing ?
AU hearsay, is it ?
( Trost.) No, sir, no,—
I lifted up mine eyes, and lo !
I did behold, in wrath, Squire Gull
Smite Mr. Gudgeon on the skull ;
And Dr. Tench, a Wise anti wary,
And learned fen apothecary.
Doubted, he said—
(Bore.) Do stop, my friend,
Cannot I make you comprehend ?
Bother. Corse, sir, we won't detain you—Gull
You're sure smote Gudgeon on the skull,
Trout. He did—

Crors-examined by Mr. Roat'ir ser
( Bore. ) Stay, Mr. whaud'yss.call him,
You say you saw Gull bruise sad maul him.)
Trout. Yes.
(Bore.) And you never go to dinners,
To feast with publicans and sinners ?
What, was the bludgeon pretty thick?
Trout. I cannot say I saw the stick.
Bon. Stay. Sir, I think that you're a teacher,
A spiritual pastor, and a preaeher ;
Now recollect you're on your oath, Sir,
Alind you do justice to t:ion both, ttr.
Was there no boxing match—aak out—
Nothing like fighting, Master Trout ?
Trout. Why, verily, much strife arose,
Divers and rubel), kinds of blows,
• Mach provocation too, albeit.
I was COI th ire at
,firat to see .it;

A long was lionim'd which caus'd dissantioo,
L And seem'd of heathenish invention,
,_Which, though it laded both wit and ketone,
'3avour'd of malice and uncleanness,
'And, sung with loud vociferatinn,
&tied the defendant's indignation,
Who seem'd to think it cast reflections
On him and all the Gull connexions :
This song, though spiritless and dal!,
Did sorely !rouble Mr. Gull,

And oft ieneated in his ear,
Pid cause him to blaspheme and sweat.
'Till, o—d forgive him for't, he rose,
And seising ,r Squire Gudgeon's nose,
He squeeed if'tsiet his thumb and Linger,
Stamp: on the song, and d—d the singer ;
Now when much strife and wrath ensuod,

Both which I always have aachsw•d,

I fled—trot soon returned to pray
That Heaven would stop this sinful fray,
And we like brethren might agree,
And live in peace and unity—
Bother. Swear Dr. Tench—
( Crier. ) Here, Doctor, 100k.._
Take ofr your glove, and kiss the book.—
The Doctor's sworn.—
( Bother.) Good Doctor Tench,
Pray tell the Jury and the Bench,
All that you saw and heard that day—
Tench. Sir, I know nothing of the fray,—
wu called in at the conclusion,

T' tweet a vertical contusion

Gudgeon was then without his shirt.
His body much beemear'd with dirt :
There was an ugly awkward cut

Ran quite athwart the occiput,
He'd have been comatose, I'm sure,
And far beyond my skill to cure,
Had I been call'd ten minutes later—
I trembled for the data mater
The cuticle, or outward skin,
Portended something wrong within—
The faucet in a sad condition !
Betwixt the nares ne partition !
But both so forc'd into conjunction,
Th' olfactories declin'd their functioe,
Some teeth were broke, anti some were lost,
The incisores suffer'd most,
Mach mischief done to the molar..—.
And, what a very strange affair is,
Not the least symptom could I see
Of dent.. sapientire.
To all my pugilistic cases,
At feasts, elections, fairs, and races,
A worse than this I never met,

Nor ever saw an Instance yet.
In all that branch of my profession,
Where blows have made so much impression !
Optics, my Lord, a perfect jelly !
One large contusion on the belly,
Two on the costa, and, as I guess,

A kick upon the os coccygis,
1-lad caused a tuber, or a bump
Around the region of the rump.
Bother, You took some blood, Sir, from him
(Tench.) Plenty—.