The British Press; or, Morning Literary Advertiser.
London, England, 1825-01-04 00:00:00

BY A PHIL.I-NTIIROPIST.

Ti l adies with Parizsols.—Fo-get that there is such a
thing as an eve in the world ; don't see where you are
poking the fine picked points of your parasol which would
blind a spider, and never for one moment remember that
most heads have two vulnerable places which, the odds
are, you will one day hit. At an exhibition of paintings
always teas ii the beauties of the pictures with the end of
your parasol.
To dirty Idle Boys.—My dear dirty idle boy, if it should
so happen that a gentleman should give you his horse to
hold while he goes into a house, mind the very moment
his back is turned to climb up into the saddle, thrust your
feet into the stirrup-leathers, and see whether you mu rule :
if you should find that you cannot, as is very likely, and
I should be thrown, as is extremely probable, roar as loud
as ten thousand devils or a little angel in arms ; yrotest that
you are broken into five hundred pieces, and be sure to
blame the cruel gentleman for having bid you ride the vi-
cious 'horse up and down—so shall you challenge the com-
passion of good people, and a store of halfpence shall.
assuage your pains.
To eltetnney-Sweepers.—A chimney-sweeper is a charac-
ter that should make himself respected in his walk through
life. You have much in your power—people are greatly
at your mercy. All decent folks make way for you, and
the cleaner and smarter they are the more they fear you ;
now mind what I say, never let them pass, but show your
manners by stepping aside as they step aside, and so dodge
them till you jostle. You are indeed a very unhappy class
of urchins, and often very ill-used ; and, to make some
amends for the hard treatment you get, I would earnestly
recommend you to act like greater men, and blacken the
world you cannot enjoy he all the soot in your powtr—vou
cannot wear tine clean clothes yourselves, my children, but
you can foul your neighbours', acid pray do so, it will be a
comfort to you, believe me.
To Footnien.—Your master or mistress, who is always
unreasonable and full of whimsies, will perhaps send von
with a large pitcher to a distant pump for water which they
absurdly choose to think better than other water; as if
water was not water all the world over, or as if any water
was good to drink. Now, carrying this large earthen-
ware pitcher full of water is a very fatiguing tedious busi-
ness • but if yeu co!,trive, as if by accident, to spill a little
of the water on the toes of the decent passengers as they go
by you, you have no notion how it will divert you and turn
a pain to pleasure—the way will only seem too short, and
the further you go the lighter will be the hitcher; nay, if
you have had good sport, it may be quite empty by the
time you get home, in which ease fill it out of the cistern.
The amusement of spilling the water on people's toes is
most in season in intensely cold weather, when they do
skip about on such an unlooked-for hilly salutation
to their cherished pedal extremities in a most diverting
manner. _ .

To Women in Dirty Weather.—lf you etoold get tired,
as very likely you may, of walking in your pattens, you
will carry them in your hand ; in which case take care that
they are sufficiently dirty, and then you may cause your-
self to be respected by holding them out straight before
you with all the length of your arm, pretty much in the
attitude in which sign painters delight to exhibit red lions
—you will thus set a clear handsome black print of a
double 0, 00, on the clothes of any rude fellow that ob-
structs your line of march.
To Pot Boyr.—When you carry out the frothing pots of
beer the wind always blows the head off; there is only one
way of preventing this misfortune, and that is to drink the
wind's share. surely it is better that a Christian should,
have the liquor than that it should be wasted.
7'o miseAireovs and truant Ur( hins.—ln frosty weather
you will all he sliding away your time. I would, how-,
ever, by 110 means have you make your slides in the ken-
nels, because you may there chance to be run over, which
would be a sail thing, seeing how ill any of you can be
spared; but mind to make them iu the very centre of the
foot-path, where you can take your pleasure comfortably
and with more safety to your precious sulree. I do not
object to your sliding on ponds, even though the ice were
no thicker than an egg-shell,, because your destiny, my
children, reserves you fur a higher fate ; but I recommend
the foot-path for a slide, the rather as it is more accessible
and commodious to you all ; awl, by keeping up a long
continuation of slides, as may easily be done, you may
slide away your errands from one end of the town to an-
other; and when you can, without any sacrifice of your
enjoyments, unite business with pleasure, you know it is
so much the better. I particularly recommend this sport
to apothecaries' and surgeons boys; it will always save
them from anger if that, whets they arc blown up by their
masters for loitering on the way, they answer they were
making a slide on the foot-path.
To the Reader.—ln this particularly well watched and
guarded metropolis, it will doubtless one of these nights
be your luck to be attacked in the public street and
knocked down by thieves; in which case by no means
cry robbery and murder; for if you do, people will run
away, or fortify thetnselves in their houses: and further,
those things are nobody's business, but roar fire, which is
every body's business, and every window will be thrown
open in the twinkling of an eye, and every soul will be on
the alert to examine the danger.
To Bearers of Umbrellas.—Carry your umbrella poised
in the manner of a javelin, the ferrule pointed to the rear,
and swing your arm vigorously backwards and forwards
with it, so shall you prevent people from treading on your
heels, and keep a clear space before and behind you for
your motions. A stick is too light to be used with effect
in this way ; it is better to give it as you step a good swing
to the right outwards, thus it protects your flank, and woe
to the shins of him who endeavours to approach or to
pass you on that side.
To Apprentices, Porters, arc. shutting tip Shop.—ln car-
rying out your shutters to shut up the shop in a populous
thoroughfare, you would lose the whole night if you looked
to the right and left and considered how you could bring
them out without breaking the heads of the pauengers.
The most approved and usual method of performing this
operation is, just to take a shutter on your shoulder, shut
your eyes, and rush out—one or two people are perhaps
knocked down, and then they learn to be more careful for
the future, and to keep out of the way. When you bring
out the iron bars with which you secure the shutters, carry
them as St. George of England couches his lance, and run
a tilt, or charge with all your strength and speed into the
street ;it is good exercise. Perhaps one day yen may im-
pale some one •, if an, your master, alarmed by so warlike
an exploit, will employ somebody else to shut up the shop,
and thus you will escape a troublesome duty.
Lamp-Likliters.—lainp-fighters arc dull dogs, with no
tut n for wit. It is very strange that though I have seen
these fellows on the top of their ladders with a huge can of
oil that would tempt a saint to mischief, while well dressed
people passed immisliately under them, yet I never saw
one of them spill a drop of the juice of the whale on a
handsome coat ! This shows that they are strangely de-
ficient in that species of pleasantry which abounds in our
country. Now that the gas has come in, it is too late to
give them a lesson in humour.
To Housemaids cleaning the Steps is Me Morning.—
Whenever a respectable-looking person passes by while you
arc at this work, show your skill and dexterity by trund-
ling your mop in such a manner as to splash them like a
shower-bath with your soap-suds. This will make them
feel what a handy wench you are, and show them that you
mind nothing Intl !form business—a great virtue in a servant.
• Button-holders.—At this season of the year a button-
holder (or man who holds his acquaintances by their but-
tons), who knows his own powers, is justly formidable to
his friends. Old Isaac Walton, in directing his young
fisherman how to impale a frog, says, " use him as though
you loved him ;" and I would desire the button-holder
who wishes to assassinate any one to " use him u though
lie loved him." The beat time for catching your man is in
winter or the early spring, when a keen easterly wind is
blowing sore throats, coughs, and catarrhs ; then hook him
by the button just at the corner of a street opening with a
good sweep to the east ; any sort of gateway or tunnel is
however still preferable, provided there be a good blast—
there hold him and ask him how all his family, his

•

friends, and relations, do, till the teeth chatter in his head,
and his nose turn bine. Ile will struggle with you per-
haps, and, making a desperate effort fur life, endeavour to
break away, but stop hint with " one word more," and
" I will not keep you another moment," and so forth,
as you well know how to do, till you perceive the usual.
symptoms of ague, then let him go, for he will only go to
his bed and send for the apothecary, and when he dies, in
due course, you will tell all his friends how singular it
was that you had inch a pleasant chat with poor --
in the streets on the. very day that he fell sick. Banat.
holders, if they made the most of their powers, might
render infinite service to administration, by means of eat.
ting of troublesome members, or giving diem such colds
as to silence their patriotism. Just let us fancy a Tory
button-holder catching Joseph Hume, on the eve of a
retrenchment question, at the end of Harley-street, in a
cutting northerly gale, and holdin; him until all his radical
heat has escaped, then letting him go after a space, with
the full assurance that he hiss had such an airing that, n
the least, his organs of speech will not be in a state to say
nay to a money-bill for the rest of the Session.