The British Press; or, Morning Literary Advertiser.
London, England, 1822-01-03 00:00:00

KNOCKING.

•
[From a new Monthly Publication, emitted" TlmOkanet."l
MR. EDITOR—I beg leave to address you on a
subject in which myself and my
_fraternity are
very much interested. You cannot. Sir, have fail-
ed to observe that the principal part of a fisolatow's
duty is to be able to knack well at a door. So
much depends upon this, that since distinctions in
dress have been given up, and the aeon a better
dressed than the piaster, a proper style of knocking
is now the only difference between the great and
the vulgar. Now, Sir, as I base turned my hand
to this subject for years, I wish to be of some use
in my brethren, stud purpose to give lessons on
knocking, according to the strict principles of rank
and qatu/ity. I shall, hereafter, send you an adver-
tisement for my course of lectures; need I have no
doubt I shall be able to make some noise in the
world. In the mean time, that you may be able
to give me a gond word, I shall mention a few
pars oculars relative to the science of knocking, which.
I hope, will chew that I am not, like nisei), pre-
tenders, uuacquaiuted with the subject I have taken
in hand.
In knocking, the great business is to give a suit-
able idea of your master's consequence ; the knock,
therefore, must not be single, but a series of knocks,
arising one above another iu loudness ; sufficient
not only to give notice to the porter (for if that were
all, one tap would be sufficient), but to shake the
nerves of the company, and prepare them for some-
thing grand.
I have often thought of a scale of knocks that shall
distinguish the different ranks of the peerage, from
the Baron up to the Blood Koyal—but it won't do;
for, independent of the stupidity of my brethren (a
lamentable thing!) I never could find a Baron who
was williug to knock under to any //eke in the
land ; nay, Sir, what is worse, the merchants of the
City, and the bankers, ever since they forsook Lom-
bard-street fur the west end of town, have reduced
knocking to such a state of anarchy, that I know
not whether I shell ever be able to arrange the
number of taps in a proper series.
It is necessary, however, to keep off the mob;
I therefore restnct all persons who come to deliver
miesmges, ask favours, or visit the servants, to one
single tap, and no more. Nor will I permit two taps
to any curate, half-pay officer, author, or other
needy person.
There are a sort of genteel visitors, distant rela-
tions, and sixteenth cousins, whom my Lord arks
now and then to hike a bit of dinner, when he is
sure nobody else will be there ; :hey may be allowed
two or three taps, because it may be useful to them
in the way of their business ; but they must not go
au far as to alarm the neighbourhood.
My own proficiency in knocking is now so well
established, that my Lady will never venture abroad
without mr ; and. as •she pays a great number of
visit., at all which I do her knocks, she very ge.
nerously considers it in my wages. When we have
company, and one of the clumsy new-caught York-
shire footmen (fellows that belong io country gen-
tlemen) attempt to knock, she exclaims, " Lord I
only hear such u horrid style of knocking—l'd die
before I would enter a house after such a knock !"
lam so tenacious of my knocker, that I tierce
fail to be very tingly if any visitor presumes to use
it improperly. It was but the other day a poor
devil of is parson's wife, some (fishnet relation, gave
three knocks at our door ; I told her pretty sharply,
that that was not the way we did filings in London,
and warned her in future to content herself with one
knock. Indeed, my heart relented a little when she
mentioned her being a widow, with sin helpless
children ; hut you know, Sir, if we were to give up
this point, there would be un end of all rank and
quality, and it would be impossible to know who
were at the door before we opened it.
I have taken the liberty to send you these for
remarks, merely as prelommeries to my Course of
Lectures, the tenses of which will be advertised in
all due time ; and I have no doubt that before win-
ter, when the town tills, I *hall have reduced knock-
ing s ;
rto a perfect and regular sperm, in spite of dust
levelling principle which scents to threaten kaork-
e for of " all men etre equal," all knockers must
Ise equal too ; and I leave you to judge what fine
work that would make amoug people of rank. • .
1 am, Sir, your very humble nt,

Joss.

Remota' St.Jameee-squire.
P.S. 1 have borne fault to fiiid with the postman.
awl shall address a letter to the Colvin)lkr-Ge-
wend on the subject. These fellows sometimes
knock twice, but our porter knows them so well,
that he always bids the muids open to them.

There wits w good supply of gram of every de.
script's's. ut Norwich market on Saturday, and new
wheat declined about la. per womb; other priers
much as last week.—The exhibitmi cf cattle was
tolerably large, but few purchases were made.

[Front /he Reading Paper.]
EMIGRATIOX.—A Geutleinau recently returned from
Cruada, where be lots purchased laud (and sow, we believe,
susidiug iu this neighbourhood), speaks very highly of that
country, and holds out Battering pruritic's to adventurers
disposed to accurnpauy him on hu return.
Moos.—We are happy to say that the parish (Akers of
this town have, much to their credit, paid 'wistaria to the
soggestion of the Magistrates, in withholding relief from
paupers having dogs, whereby the number has hero dimi-
nished ; the total °main, of dugs destroyed it said to hare
bee. upwards of ROO. We cannot forbear, however, to tit.
press our hope that the suppsersiuu of the OUISSUCC will still
be kept to view.