The Press.
London, England, 1854-03-04 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

THE STATE "LITTLE-GO."
Wa have been favoured with a specimen of the examinations proposed
by her Majesty's Commissioners in furtherance of their scheme for
placing the Civil Service upon a new academical basis ; and as a
matter of course we give them the desired publicity, for the sake of
the future Under Secretaries, Tidewaiters, Precis-writers, Light
Porters, Framers of Treaties, Accountants, Twopenny Postmen, &c.,
to whom they are intended indifferently to apply :
" Preliminary testimonials of character and bodily health" will be
required, with satisfactory answers to the following questions :

HEALTH.
Has the candidate been properly vaccinated?
Has he graduated through the hooping cough, measles, &c.?
Is he addicted to " Cockle's Antibilious "?
Can he stand a course of Dr. Reid's ventilation without influenza or rheumatism?
Could he drink two glasses of the proffered " Oliveira" port without a sensation of

colic?
How does he sleep ?
Is his appetite good?
How often does he have his hair cut?

MORALS.
Is he in possession of a latch-key?
Does he carry a cigar-case ?
Did he ever succumb to the stimulus of devilled biscuits?
Does he play at any games besides chess and draughts?
Does he read Bell's Life ?
Has he ever been to the herby?
Did he throw at the snuff-boxes ?
Has he visited the Poses Plastiques ?

Assuming that the answers to the above questions are satisfactory,
the proficiency of the candidate in classics, mathematics, moral
philosophy, history, jurisprudence, political economy, modern
languages, political and physical geography, &c. &c., will be tested by
such questions as the following:—

CLasslcs.
Was it a privilege of the Civia Romanta to quit his post without notice and resume it
without explanation?
Can you state an instance in which any distinguished " Athenian " was baffled in his
cultivation of the olive branch for his neglect of the Goddess of Wisdom ?
How does the learned commentator Cobdenius explain the passage in the Eumenides
commencing " Tirivrovoi "—they strike ?
Would Thersites have been silenced by a post in the Greek Admiralty?

MATHEMATICS.
A point is that which hath no parts—illustrate from the points in Sir Charles Wood's
speeches.
Prove that a right line is the shortest between two given points, and apply this to the line
taken on the Eastern question.

ALGEBRA.
Given C. A. B. to find W. K. when the latter has no address in the Red Book.

MODERN LANGUAGES.
Translate " beau role."
What is intended by leaving an ally "iaolie " ?
Give an example in which "ce chew—" means only " this stupid—".
What is the German for " foozle," and the Russian for " acrimonious " ?

MORAL PHILOSOPHY.
Define conscience.
Account for its exclusive possession by the followers of the late Sir Robert Peel.
Explain its inconveniences.
Discuss the points of casuistry suggested by the case of Dowling v. Sadleir,
POLITICAL ECONOMY.
Prove that the most conscientious of mankind may buy in the cheapest and sell in the
dearest market.
Show the bearing of this principle upon the Irish export trade.
HISTORY.
Describe how the stream of history was wasted until it was employed to turn the mills of
Manchester.
Show that Hampden bled in the field and Sydney on the scaffold for the representation of
a Whig minority in the counties.
11 hat were the consequences of Sir Walter Raleigh's introduction of tobacco, as illustrated
in the History of Lord Clarendon ?
POLITICAL AND PHYSICAL GEOGRAPHY.
State the circumstances which led to the late discovery of the Parana and its tributaries
by the present Cabinet.
Adduce instances of the exaggerations of former geographers as to the presumed distance
between Downing-street and the Vatican.
Give proofs of Mr. Gladstone's statement at Manchester that the Ottoman empire is a
geographical anomaly.
LAW.
Can you plead" the general issue" to a note dated" Vienna"?
J. R. and Co., London, gave a bond to R. C. and Co., Manchester, that they would
draw a bill to a " large " amount in favour of the latter. They drew the bill, but
keep it locked up. When sued upon their bond, are they at liberty to plead duresse
or to enter a stet processus?
A firm of Cabinetmakers avowedly sells all its goods at an " enormous sacrifice." Is
this evidence of a fraudulent bankruptcy ?
Is invariable failure " the rule in Shelley s case " ?
The candidate will be further required to write a letter on a given
subject, as for example :
FllO3l LORD A. TO HIS EXCELLENCY BARON B.
" Your Excellency will convey my humblest submission to his Imperial Majesty,
" and assure him that I have exerted my utmost acrimony to connive at his beneficent
" designs, but having been foiled by the sinister comments of certain writers in the
" PREss, and in consequence committed to a war, my only desire uow to resign and to
" prostrate myself atthe feet of his magnanimous compassion. I accompany this painful
" tribute with a keg of Loch Fine herrings, which his Majesty may digest without the
" fears of Mithridates."
Further instructions to candidates may be published as occasion
requires

THE PEACE PARTY AT ST. PETERSBURG.
(From our own Correspondeni.)
ST. PETERSBURG, February 20th.
You will have seen, no doubt, the ordinary reports in the journals of
the reception of Mr. STUROE and his companions by the Czar. But I
am able to furnish you with some account of the really interesting
conference which followed, when his Majesty (who does not disguise
his interest in the Society of Friends, and his thankfulness for the real
tendencies of their agitation) entertained them at dinner on Tuesday.
lam told that the excitement of JOSEPH was such that he could
scarcely eat anything in the Emperor's presence, notwithstanding his
appetite has been so improved by the air of St. Petersburg, int that
he had such difficulty in overcoming his sense of self-importance that
it was not till the dessert came on the table that he was able to take
part in the following colloquy :
CZAR : Sturge, take a glass of wine. Let me recommend you to
the fruit which we both so honour—the olive !
STUMM (breaking the pledge in a moment of excitement): My respects
to tutee. I see that thou art beginning to look with favour on our
humble efforts in a good cause. Convinced of its justice, I presume
to consider myself one of thy best friends.
CZAR: My dear sir, I entirely recognise that fact. Your party are
the best friends I have. (Joseph bows.) I have bad my eye upon you
for years, and have felt convinced that the triumph of the commercial
principle, with its attendant results—peace, at all price, abroad, and
class warfare for the elevation of agitating " Friends at home—is the
best policy which England could pursue for my purposes.
STURGE : Thou dost thy humble friend great honour. The page
of history—
CZAR: Very true, Mr. Sturge. The page of history, as you remark,
confirms the views we hold in common. Yours is a highly civilised
and ancient country ; Russia a new and, as some of your Radical
friends in the journals tells us so often (by the way, I should be
delighted to see them here), a barbarous one. You are in the position
of old Rome ; we of the northern nations have our position to come.
Now, you are acting as consistently as possible. You deify Pecunia ;
your motto is vincant divithe (Joseph smiles a sleek approval qf Juvenal);
you put down the Lamite, the historic families, to elevate the cobblers ;
you propagate a system of expansive philanthropy and laugh at
narrow patriotism. In all these matters I recognise the cosmopolite
spirit of Manchester. Encouraged by its obliging connivance, I have
continued to feel increasing confidence in the Russian position.
When I resolved, for the sake of Christianity, to cross the Pruth, I
felt that I should be permitted by your Ministers to begin undisturbed.
Your populace are now, however, beginning to be agitated by sonic
stupid old traditionary "dregs of feudalism" (you see I study your
journals)—some lingering old Tory ideas about England's honour, and
her traditions, and fair play ! How you and I, Mr. Sturge, laugh at
these old-fashioned vagaries !
STURGE (confused, but consequential): Thee understands us, I feel
convinced. If I may presume to say so, our humble efforts will result
in thy carrying out those Christian principles so dear to us ?
CZAR : With your help, Mr. Sturge, I shall carry out my principles.
Go on in the blessed work ! Ridicule armies ; teach your people to
abhor and insult soldiers ; issue placards against the militia ; obstruct
national defences ! My spirit is with you ! But, Mr. Sturge, you
must be tired : our northern air is sharp ?
STURGE : Not at all ! I have written to Mrs. Sturge to inform our
friends through the newspapers—
CZAR ( aside, Hang the fellow ! wont take a hint) : I think that we
are actually co-operating, and have been for some time. (Pauses.)
STUMP: (t 0 himself): Will he withdraw the troops, then, and begin
to disband his armies? (Plucks up courage.) I shall look forward
with interest to those measures of thine which will indicate the result
of my humble efforts to convince thee.
CZAR (aside, This broadbrimmed plenipotentiary is becoming
tiresome. N.B.—The Czar has been irritable lately, having been so " sold '
by his friends.) Adieu, Mr. Sturge. Tell your fair co-religionists that
when my Cossacks come to London I will enjoin them to respect the
coalscuttles in which they shroud their amiable faces. But my Cos-
sacks are rough wooers, Mr. Sturge, rough wooers. At all events, I
thank you for your well-meant exertions. You have done me much
good ; and I wish you every success—every success, Mr. Sturge—and
my compliments to your friend Cobden.

EPIGRA M.

In days when Rome's old greatness stood,
He who had shed his father's blood

Met with an awful doom ;
Tied in a sack from heel to nape,
With cock, with serpent, and with ape,
The water was his tomb !
So ABERDEEN in kindred fix
(The parricide of politics,
The Russian's friend) we see ;
In Coalition sack, with Gums E
The serpent—JOHNNY, bantam game—
And OSBORN E—sinketh he !