The Press.
London, England, 1854-05-06 00:00:00

THE PRESBir

420

From SLASHUM EBN HASHUM, i residing n
• London, to his friend KABOB EFFENDI, residing near
T hatladi-Kapoussi, on the Sea of Marmora, Constantinople.
I TOLD you in my last letter, Kabob, friend of my soul, that my mission
was to hold such private discourse as I might with the great men of
this land, for the information of my patron, Ramshak Bey. To this ,
end I have accepted many invitations to feasts and dances where I
knew such men would be present ; for, though it is not given unto us
to know what Providence may do for us, it is always as well to be in
Providence's way. And since I wrote to you, Kabob, I have been
abundantly lucky, and hope to be still more so, inshalloh. For while
your friend was seated on a sofa at the house of a great lady (she has
a husband, but no one speaks of him or seems to care about him), and
was watching the young dancers performing mad gyrations, to which
our dervishes' revolutions are sedateness, a man came and sat down
beside me, and entered into pleasant talk. You will see that I was not
unmindful of my business, 0 Kabob.
The MAN : A pretty sight, this, sir, and I suppose rather a
strange one to you? The Turkish ladies are not accustomed to be
spun round, like teetotums, by any gentleman who will take that
trouble.
MYSELF (wittily): Truly, woman is giddy enough by nature, and
needs no aid to have her head turned. Moreover, one minute of such
an operation would make a Turk sick.
The MAN : And then he would really be the "sick man" our friend
at St. Petersburg describes him, ha, ha!
MYSELF: I see that you, sir, take an interest in the politics of
the day.
The MAN (smiling): Well—yes—l have had occasion in my time to
take a little, and perhaps I may have to take a little more before I
have quite done with them. Lady Bowlingbury, will you introduce me
to your Oriental friend ?
And the lady of the house, who was passing, turned, utterly un-
abashed, and said, "To be sure. Slashing Ebenezer, or something—l
never can remember foreign names—a Turkish nobleman—of great
distinction—Viscount Palmerston." And she whirled away, with a
soldier's arm around her great waist. By Allah, if one of my wives—
but you know what I would say.
So here I was in the same divan with the great Palmerston ; the
queller of Greeks, the defier of tyrants, and the colleague of the friend
of Russia. It behoved me to be careful, but I determined to sift him
like wheat.
MILORD : How do you like the English women ?
MYSELF: Many of them are beautiful, 0 Palmerston (for I wished
to be polite and call him by his name) ; but it seems to me that you
have a great fault.
MILORD (good-naturedly ): I dare say we have. What is it?
MYSELF : You let the old women have too much power among you.
Allah be praised for inventing old women, 0 Palmerston, for who can
scour the saucepans and wash the floors so well; but why do you
permit them to come among your festivities, and remind you, by their
wrinkles, that time passes ?
MILORD: We do allow an old woman too much her own way in this
country. You aro quite right. Antiquated imbecility is very objec-
tionable. But what can we do?
MYSELF : We find no difficulty. When an old woman can be en-
dured no longer there is the sack.
MILORD: Ah! The sack. Yes. Well, possibly we may try that
experiment one of these days. Have you had letters from Turkey
lately ?
MYSELF : This day, which is therefore doubly fortunate, for I have
had news from home, and I have met you, my lord.
MILORD (after a bow) : And what do your friends in Turkey say of
us, and of our soldiers ?
MYSELF : My lord, a friend is welcome all day long, but most
welcome when he comes early in the morning. (A delicate hint, 0
Kabob.)
MILORD : That depends upon what time you went to bed. But I
understand you. They think we have dawdled, eh?—been much too
long coming. That is the national feeling, is it ?
MYSELF (artfully): We know who are with us, my lord, and who
are not.
MILORD: Oh, we are all with you, only people take different ways
of showing it.
MYSELF: There is your Lord Aberdeen, for one.
MILORD: 0, don't make a mistake. Lord Aberdeen is a good man—
a very good man—and, I assure you, wishes exceedingly well to
Turkey. Don't misunderstand him. Whether he may think that
courses which some other men approve are as good for Turkey as
other courses is a question of minor importance, but Lord Aberdeen
I assure you, and if you like to say so on my
at liberty to do so—a very good man. Make
ids. T shall see you again.
speak to some friend who came up. I fear that
through the unfathomable reserve of this Mi-
his manner served to make me think he had told
iot find that I learned much from him. But
Allah that I should have another chance, for
An, smiling much, a good-natured looking man,
afterwards learned, is committed the welfare of
Queen's subjects in the East. As soon as he
tquired who I was, and began to talk to me. Ido

SATI7RDAY,

not rightly know his name, having some confusion in my mind whether
they said his same was Board or Wood. But I know somebody said
Board, which is, I see in the dictionary, a thing made of wood.
BOARD : How d'ye do ? Very glad to see foreigners here. So you
come from Turkey. Turkey is a very fine country. Let's see, it's di-
vided into provinces, isn't it ? Which is your province ? Anatolia, or
which ?

MYSELF : Anatolia, 0 Board, is, according to your maps, in Asia.
BOARD : All ! so it is ; but, of course, when I said Anatolia I
meant Archipelago, or something else—no matter. Well, how are the
Russians getting on? They may cross the Danube—let 'em—but
they'll come to the mountains soon, and when they get to the Cau-
casus ridge we'll give it them for you.
MYSELF : If you wait till then, 0 Board, I fear your armies will
help us but little ; but perhaps the Circassians may manage something
in that quarter.
BOARD : Eh ! 0, ah ! Caucasus is in Circassia to be sure—let's see,
what do you call the mountains there all round Constantinople.
MYSELF: You would speak of the Balkan, 0 Board.
BOARD ,Of course, the Balkan. Yes. It is a fine thing for Con-
stantinople—or Stamboul I believe you call it—no, Stamboul is the
suburb where the Christians live—to have that natural wall around it
—a glorious provision of Providence which we all reverence alike.
MYSELF: Exactly so, Board ; but the Balkan is more than one
hundred and fifty of your miles from the capital.
BOARD : Just so, just so—but when one says around one means
some little way off. By the way, that is a masterly thought of our
commander, is it not, landing our troops on the coast of the Adriatic
Sea, just at the top of Albania?
MYSELF : I did not know that they had done so, Board. I thought
they were to be at Scutari.
BOARD : Ha ! ha! Nay, now I must correct you, my dear friend.
They are to be at Scutaii, but Scutari is on the Adriatic. I will show it
you on the map. (And he pulled out a little map, and certainly pointed
out the name.)
MYSELF : You have found out the wrong Scutari, 0 Board : there is
another to which I would direct your attention, there (and I showed
it him), just opposite Constantinople.
BOARD : 0 ! is that the one ? Do you know I thought it was the
other, and I have been thinking so all through the war.
MYSELF : A trifle, Board—not above five hundred miles between
them—that small distance is nothing to a great mind.
BOARD ; Ha! ha! capital. There's Lord Aberdeen—l must go and
tell him the joke, and then I must be off, for I have the Bombay sur-
vey to adjust and rectify before Igo to bed—responsible work. Good
bye.
I must tell you in another letter, Kabob, what passed between
your friend and Lord Aberdeen.
SLASHAM EBN HASHAM.

A SUGGESTION TO THE CHANCELLOR OF
THE EXCHEQUER.
" John de Huntingdon and others were fined 100 marks each for a stultiloquium."—
Madox's History of the Exchequer.
An age how different from these times of late,
When talking nonsense thus enriched the State!
That blest alembic of those days of old,
That power of turning folly into gold,
Could GLADSTONE but revive it once again,
He need no more solicit loans in vain.
In all his arguments what wealth would gleam !
His speeches roll one grand Pactolus' stream !
Arabian riches all his schemes possess !

And every Budget prove its own success!

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