The Press.
London, England, 1856-04-26 00:00:00

0 ! TE NATURIE DEDECUS.

(Suggested by the last bray of the " Smatterday" at " The Press.")
Old 2Esop or Phiednis, but which I won't say,
To show how a jackass might vent his base rage,
Made him launch out his heels in an insolent way
At a lion, expiring through sickness and age.
Now the fable's reversed—and, erect in his might,
The Lion looks down on an ass very sick ;
But unchanged's the brute's vileness,—with impotent spite,
He spends his last breath in a bray and a kick.

RECIPE FOR TAXED INDIAN
(A Piece de Risistance);
OR,

Isn't this a dainty dish
To set before the Queen?-01d Song.
First catch your Indian,—you'll find plenty there
(Dalhousie took a kingdom in a year) ;
Demand his money, and don't mind his grinning
(The King of Oude's sauce makes the best beginning
For this famed dish). Well ! now proceed as follows
Tweak him with red-hot pincers till he holloas,
Then slowly fill the nose with curry powder,
After which process he will hollos, louder;
With capsicums and pepper powder o'er,
Mixed with red ants perhaps he may feel it more ;
Truss back both thumbs, and in a lemon-squeezer
Press them with spirit ; with a wooden tweezer
Pluck out superfluous hairs from chin and lip,
And singe with lighted rags his fingers' tip ;
Put out both eyes ; and, gently as you can,
Just crimp him with a blunted yataghan ;
Next, hang the body in reversed position,
And in each nostril make a slight incision;
Then horizontally suspend him—so,
By the left earring and the right great toe ;
Then leave to frizzle slowly in the sun,
And in a little while your Indian's—done.

THE NAVAL REVIEW.
(Latest Particulars.)

THE scene on Wednesday last, when the Admiralty determined to
eclipse Balaklava, and the S. E. Railway Directors, with honourable
emulation, determined to eclipse the Admiralty, in pertinacious blunder-
ing and helplessness, and all but succeeded, will be remembered a good
deal longer than the Review, which seems to have disappointed everybody
except some fortunate gentlemen who got on board the great ships.
Such Members of both Houses of Parliament as shared in the fight at
the platform at starting, and the confusion at the embarkation, and
after all saw nothing of the little there was to see, have threatened to
impeach Sir Charles Wood, who wisely kept out of the way until their
first rage should be over. A great variety of notices, in one way and
another connected with the Review, are already entered on the book,
and others were handed in last night to the clerks at the table.
Mr. Roebuck. To move for the name of the policeman who un-
constitutionally desired him to " stand back like a good little chap,"
and that the head of the said policeman he forthwith cut off and placed
on one of the lamp-posts in New Palace-yard.
Colonel French. To ask Sir Charles Wood what he means by his
uncourteous behaviour to Members of the House of the Irish religion
and otherwise, and I will be hanged if you shan't apologise ; also, why
he cannot act with politeness to ladies, separating them from other
ladies, being as good as them and better.
Mr. W. Williams. To move for a return of twopence which he
gave to a marine for showing him the way from the station at Ports-
mouth to the pier, one mile and a quarter, as such payment ought to
have been borne by the public, for whose service the Hon. Member
went to the Review.

Mr. W. Williams. To move for the names of some haughty
aristocratic ladies who were standing in the gallery of one of the big
ships as he was going by, and laughed at him for having put on an old
nightcap, instead of wearing his best hat and getting it spoiled by the
sea-water.

Mr. Milner Gibson. To move that it be referred to a Select Com-
mittee to inquire why there were no clean knives and forks on board
the vessel appointed for Members of Parliament, and report whether
it is consistent with the dignity of an M.P. that he should be
obliged to drink beer, and help himself to mustard with the small end
of his stick.

Mr. Ewart. To move that the midshipmen be not permitted to
give orders, in a dictatorial tone, to inPn twice their height, but that
all necessary instructions be given in writing, signed by the paymaster
sad the second-lieutenant.
111 r. Hadfield. To ask why the Church of England chaplains were
permitted to wear the Crimean medal, which not only contains a
heathenish device of the goddess Fame crowning the god Mars, but
commemorates deeds of blood, entirely opposed to the spirit of the
Christian religion. Also, why no medal is given to such dissenting
ministers as would have gone out to the Crimea if they had been
asked,

Mr. Apsley Pellatt. To move for a return of the number of
naughty words used by the sailors during the Review, carefully distin-
guishing oaths from other improper expressions, and that the culprits
be all fined for such immoralities.

Mr. J. G. Phillimore. To call the attention of the House to the
disgraceful way in which the Portsmouth boatmen pronounce the
classical names of the ships, and especially to the conduct of one
ruffian, who pointed out to him what he called the Early Ale-house,
and which turned out to be the Euryalus.
Mr. U. Phillimore. To move that it he referred to a Select Com-
mittee to inquire whether a sailor who shoved him out of the way of
the recoil of a gun, in the rudest manner, and with an epithet of much
contumely, ought not to be tried by canon law.
Mr. W. J. Fox. To move that the Trinity-house be required to
change its name, in deference to the enlighted Unitarian body in this
country, who have no confidence in beacons set up by an association
with such a title.

Mr. Bowyer. To ask whether the First Lord of the Admiralty
has heard that a Roman Catholic cabin-toy was compelled to fetch a
basin for a Protestant clergyman who was indisposed on board one
of the ships, and whether precautions will be taken for preventing, in
future, such an outrage to the faith of millions of her Majesty's
subjects.
Sir William Clay. To move for leave to bring in a bill for abolish-
ing the Rating of Seamen.
Lord John Russel. To move for leave to bring in a bill for abolish-
ing the Mariner's Compass, which is a relic of the antiquated supersti-
tion of the dark ages, and unworthy of the spirit of the age, and for
providing such an Education for Seamen as will enable them to
dispense with humiliating reference to a wretched needle.
Sir Joshua \Velmaley. To move for leave to bring in a bill con-
ferring the franchise on every A. 8., who may be supposed to know
the rest of his alphabet.
Mr. W. Williams. To move that orders be given to the captains
to prevent the sailors from wantonly wearing out their clothes, pro-
vided for them, at a great expense, by an over-taxed nation, and that,
when the weather will permit, they shall divest themselves of their
garments before ascending the rigging, resuming the same ou return-
ing to the deck ; and also that their cloth clothes shall be carefully
brushed and put away before they get into their hammocks.

RHYMES FOR THE "TIMES."
BY A LATE IRISH ELECTOR.
Sez the Times to me,
" Why, Pat," sea he,
" Who's this you've made your Mimber?
Why, out o' all knowledge,
He's not for ' the College,
An' he keeps the Fifth o' Novimber."
Sez I to that, •
" Begorra! Pat
Is done wid the ould Brass Ban' ;
'Tia little we got
Wid the last o' that lot,
So we looked for an honest man."

" MY GRANDSON'S REVIEW."
There's never any of these denture boys come to any proof.—K. Henry IT:
Which is the heaviest weekly paper?
Fittest to light one's chamber taper?
Would make Argyll himself a gaper?
The Smatterday.
For nervous patients needing sleep
Which is the Journal one should keep
Instead of opium? Dull, not deep,
The Smatterday.
Some "New-Light" dodge, or cram, or barn,
Coming the old " No-Party " flam,
A philosophic kind of sham
's the Smatterday.

And, full of logical pretence,
" First Principles " and " Elements "
" Grasps," with profundity intense,
The Smatterday.
Of course it started to " supply
A want felt universally."
Wherefore, then, don't the public buy
The Smatterday t
Because, although we all concede
Some good things, we can't " run and read,"
We don't when we stick fast, proceed—
My Smatterday!
Because, all in a fog profound
You think you stand on lofty ground,
And throw contemptuous sniffs around—
My Smatterday!
But mists and mountains are not one ;
Wisdom is not mere want of fun;
Puddlep look deep, without the Sun—
My Smatterday !
Then, io not our advice disdain—
'Twill fave you worlds of cost and pain.
You se:l small beer—don't cry champagne—.
My Smatterday.