The Press.
London, England, 1856-02-23 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

FEBRUARY 23, 1856.

A MODEL DESPATCH.
(Front a Ministerial Paper).

As the first fruits of Lord Panmure's energetic efforts to remodel the
War Department, and to obtain and deserve the support of the
Administrative lteformers, we have the gratification to announce that
an improved style of despatch-writing has been adopted by the Com-
mander-in-Chief of our Forces in the Crimea. Formerly such docu-
ments were limited to a bare narration of important occurrences, and
the consequence was that they were neglected by persons who eagerly
perused the glowing letters forwarded by " Our Own Correspondent."
is it was injurious to the dignity of our Commanders to suffer them-
selves to be eclipsed by mere hired writers, the Noble Lord at the
head of the War Department has insisted that they should pen their
despatches in a more flowery style, and that if they have nothing to
write about they should exercise their ingenuity iu dressing up
nothing with such pomp as to look like something. As the result of
his Lordship's instructions the following admirable despatch has just
been received, and has been honoured with his Lordship's warmest
approval :

SEBASTOPOL, Feb. 7.
"My Lord,—l have the honour to report, for your Lordship's
information, an important event which occurred this morning, of
which I had the good fortune to be an eye-witness.
" The night had been clear but cold. The wind was between
north-east by east and east-north-east. My attention was first
directed to this fact by the motion of the steam from my shaving-water,
which, as long as the external air was excluded, rose in a beautiful
column of spiral-shaped vapour, exhibiting as it dispersed the fantas •
tical forms of fairy life to imaginative contemplation, but which
deviated in a marked manner from its vertical ascension when I
opened my window, to bid adieu to the morning star then fading away
in the increasing brilliancy of the glowing hues which heralded the
approach of the rosy Hours, and of the steeds and chariots of wor-
shipped Pheebus.
" When I went out, the light had so far increased that I could see
to read the small print of Mr. Russell's volume of letters on the war,
which I diligently peruse every evening until Somnus visits my pillow,
and locks me in his welcome embrace.

" For some minutes I stood watching the greater distinctness im-
parted to objects within the range of vision by the nearer approach of
the gloriouS god of day. At a distance of five hundred yards I could
mark whether a sentinel was strapping his arms across his chest to
keep himself warm, or was diligently handling his musket. I marked
also that the tents which were newly arrived looked clean in the fresh
light of morning, while those which had survived the celebrated cam-
paigns of the Peninsula had a dingy— though not, to the eye of
memory, unpoetical aspect. Farther off, the sea had, on the one
hand, a different appearance from the hind,—while the land had, on
the other, a different appearance from the sea. When I reached an
elevation which commanded a view of the buildings of Sebastopol, I
s dished myself that they were in their old place, and that they had
not, like Aladdin's palace, been carried off during the night by the evil
genius of Russian necromancy.

" I now turned to the cast, and beheld a sublime and exhilarating
spectacle.

" The sky, whieh had changed from a pea-green to a!pea-soup tint,
and was then fleet ed with various hues like tl.e boards exhibited at
art ni'man's shop to show the brilliancy of the colours he vends, was
suddenly illumined by a gorgeous flush of crimson and gold, as the
upper limb of the majestic ruler of the sky rose above the horizon.
Looking at my watch (a chronometer) I observed that the appearance
of the glorious luminary corresponded with the time at which, by
astronomical calculation, the superb orb should rise, and I am thus
enabled to verity the regularity of his motion, and the accuracy with
which the almanacks are composed.
" I watched his gradual ascension in the Orient heaven, until the
increasing splendour of his radiance had the remarkable effect of
drawing drops of moisture from my organs of vision, and then, having
satisfied myself that all surrounding objects were not less distinctly
visible than they ordinarily are from that spot on a clear morning, I
returned to breakfast, and afterwards prepared this despatch contain-
ing an account of my matutinal observation.
" With what feelings the enemy beheld the magnificent spectacle
I have described, I have no opportunity of knowing. Metaphorically,
they must have felt, that as our sun was getting up, theirs was going
down. They fired a gun in the direction of Karabelnaia, which was
probably intended for purposes of destruction, but which I interpreted
as a funeral note, wailing their pride humbled to the dust, and mourn-
ing their loss of power and glory, so conspicuously displayed in the
refulgent light of Aurora's early rays.
" I have the honour to be, &c.,

N. J. C."

181

Assembly, or even Dr. Watts, might be beneficial to his companion.
The Premier laughed, as usual, and declared that he understood the
whole subject quite well. Some such dialogue as this is stated to have
folio xed:—

The A. I am sure that your Lordship is too clever a man not to
perceive that some people are in earnest on this question.
The P. And quite right, too. Does them great credit. I'm in
earliest myself about it—deuced earnest—quite earnest, I mean—l
beg your Grace's pardon for saying deuce.
The A. If I thought you connected an idea with the wold, I
shoulil like you to think about it oftener.
The P. Eh ? Bogey ? 0 ! ah! Let's change the subject What
makes you imagine I don't understand this Sunday question ? I see
that you believe I don't, in spite of my assurance.
The A. I wish I could convince myself that you do, my dear
L yd.

The P. Convince yourself in a minute—ask me any question about
it. See if I don't answer like a charity-boy—pewter medal and yellow
breeches.

The A. If I had a charity-boy before me, and wished to ascertain
what he knew, I should probably ask him what was the origin of the
Christian Sabbath ?

The P. Eh ? Why, the Ten Commandments, of course.
The A. (smiling) And Ido not think that if he returned me that
answer I should exactly promote him to the head of his class.
The P. Well, but—l say—of co irse, it is not for me to dispute
with your Grace in it matter belonging to your own profession, but—
The A. My profession is that of Christianity. Is it not yours?
Or what creed do you profess, my Lord ?
The P. Had me there. But I meant to say that on a theological
question I should instantly defer to you. At the same time lam cer-
tain, or nearly certain, that there's something about Sunday in the
Ten Commandments, for I have read them painted up in church.
The A. Well, even if we are to go no further back than the
Commandments, may I ask you whether you think they ought to be
o")eyed ?

The P. Well—yes—yes—let us sec—yes. Of course, you know,
with such modifications as are rendered necessary by the spirit of the
age and the march of intellect.
The A. Just so. Covetousness and murder are, as a rule, to be
avoided ; but if society holds out a great prize, we cannot be expected
to help coveting it, and if we can get at it by putting somebody else
out of the way, we may, of course, try strychnine.
The P. There you run into extremes, which, forgive me, ill
religious people are too apt to do. As for Sunday, I know quite well
that there are various opinions about it.
The A. Yes ; but there can be no two opinions as to the duty of a
statesman to know which to adopt.
The P. You want me to give you a decided pledg3 to oppose Sir
Joshua Walmsley's motion. I give it you. I will speak against it, and
vote against it.
The A. From conviction ?

The P. (/aughing) From conviction that it will not be carried.
The A. I thought so. And, my dear Lord, at some time here-
after, should the arguments of those who oppose us convince a
majority of the House of Commons that the opening of national ex-
hibitions on Sunday is right and desii able
The P. Once more, I trust to be open to conviction. But, in the
meantime, I promise you to go with the majority in the House. I
shall not make any violent professions of belief in Sunday as a sa3red
day, because they would be entangling when the other conviction to
which your Grace has referred shall come round ; but I shall state
that my resistance to the proposition is founded on my respect for the
feeling of the country.
The A. And suppose it should be said—l am told it will be—
that the feeling of the cow itry has not been adequately expressed ?
The P. My dear Archbishop, you are good enough to fancy me
the charity-boy we spoke of. The feeling of the country is represented
in the House of Commons ; and my friend Mr. Hayter can ascertain
it as accurately as you can find out how hot your bath is by putting in
a thermometer. Do you think that I should permit myself to be in-
fluenced by any theories as to feelings outside, while I know, to a
dozen, which way a division will go ? No, your Grace, the means
which our admirable Constitution has provided for enabling a Go-
vernment to know the views of the nation are quite good enough for
me, especially when I am in a majority.
The A. We must be glad of what support is given us ; but it
would he far more satisfactory were such support justified by worthier
arguments.
The P. You'll find mine good enough for the House of Commons.
my dear friend ; and what is the use of taking a razor to cut a piece of
wood when a sixpenny knife will do the job? You leave it to me. I
shall speak late and answer nobody ; but 1 shall give them some com-
monplace, which will lead up to a division as well as candour or logic.
And you will have a whacking majority—seven to one, I'll bet.
The A. I can only apologise for intruding my own conviction that
the Premier of England should handle such a subject—

The P. As if he were the Primate of England? No, no. Saum
claque, my dear Archbishop. Besides, I have not been lucky on
theology—something I said about babies being born good—do you
remember?—made such a row. I don't know why, I'm sure. I've
seen very good babies—indeed. all that are shown to me are good—
but the people would not have it at any price. So I'll stick to my
List this time, please. Must you go? Let me see you to the oarriage ;
it will have a good effect if any of the wicked happen to be going by.
(Rings, and exeunt.)