The Press.
London, England, 1854-11-25 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

MBER 25, 1854.

INTERCEPTED DESPATCH FROM AN

AMBASSADOR EXTRAORDINARY.

DEAR JOHNNY,-

I scribble a few lines to you
To let you know how I get on at St. Cloud.
I'd a very nice trip for the season of year,
Though our elderly Chief complains, as I hear,
That for his state of health the weather's severe ;
Yet, to show that each age has its proper vexation,
I grieve for my dancing•pumps—left at the station !

The Empress is charming! Your notions, my Bantam,
May be anti-imperial ; you would recant 'em
If once you saw her. As for me, half an hour
Of chat on the fashions or balance of power
With a woman who's witty, young (mind you), and fair,
In the place of old women one meets with elsewhere—
(It's far from my wish to say anything spiteful)
But to me such a change is both new and delightful.

By the way, at this moment I even forget
Whether you and the Emperor ever have met ;
But he knows your repute ; says he, " what idea
Has your Russell, your Sieyes, about the Crimea?
Does the brave petit homme see his way through the storm
To any neat projet of Tartar Reform ?
Has he schedul'd this part of the Russian dominions
For a proximate triumph of Liberal opinions ? "
Thus, instead of regarding your prospects as blighted,
It's clear that the Emperor thinks you far-sighted.

He was harder on me, for, by the Lord Harry,
He press'd me with questions I couldn't well parry ;
Thus he wanted to know (though delighted to see me here)
How it was I was sent instead of the Premier.
I answered whatever came into my head,
That it may be he couldn't digest your French bread—
That his stomach was turn'd—that he'd eat a bad egg—
Had a cramp or a stiffness—a bon() in his leg—
That the wind was due East, and (among other bosh)
That his linen had, perhaps, not come home from the wash—
That his boots hurt his corns, and he studied his ease—
That he'd lost the key of his travelling valise—
Through wearing it, perhaps (wherein you his folly see),
On the very same bunch with the " key" of his policy.

But say what I would there was something behind
Which I could not remove from the Emperor's mind.
Some person had told him (this much I arrive at)
That the Premier resorts to bad language in private ;
That he couples, moreover, with swearin' and cursin'
Injurious remarks on his Majesty's person.
Of course I explained he meant nothing felonious,
And his friendship was greatest when most " acrimonious."

" So then," said his Majesty, " I must suppose
He's as harsh to his friends as he's meek to his foes ;
Of the latter the Austrians speak for his skill ;
Does he send them his best remembrances' still? "
I answered, " my aged superior is one
Who's not very prompt to admit that he's done ;
But I find even he looks a little less grim
If I hum in his presence the Marsellaise Hymn,
Or tell him he cannot expect to be winner
Till be asks both Kossuth and Mazzini to dinner.
I'm constantly at him in divers odd ways
To set the Continent all of a blaze
As his crowning exploit at the end digs days ;
In short, I'm so hearty and playfully urgent,
That I soon hope to dub him our Jolly Insurgent.'"

Thus you see, my dear Russell, we make the work fly—
Rex meus et ego—Napoleon and I.
When I come back to England you'll chuckle to hear
What a spicy programme we've sketch'd out for next year ;
'Twill startle, I think, that preciously slow
Set of pumps and purveyors, Herbert and Co.
If only the Lady of famed La Salette
Would teach Gladdy the way to keep us from debt,
Their Chronicle insults I could forget.
Till then, my dear Russell, as ever, I am
Your friend, as you use me—

PLENIPO PAM.

-. ~_ ~i

Mk*"

1117

MISSIONARY PROVISIONS
FOR THE SEAT OF WAR.
[Weare happy to have it in our power to communicate to our readers the following
charming and characteristic letter, which has not yet been published by following
charming
organs of the Cabinet.]
To the Scour Agatha, Convent de Notre Dime
de Loretto, Paris. Anniversary of the
Martyrdom of St. Guido, 11354.
Holy and Dear Friend,—The time has arrived when the repose
of faction permits us to gratify those aspirations for ecclesiastical
unity which are so comforting in this crisis of barbarous and un
christian warfare. I have put aside the schedules and calculations for
my next budget, onerous as they are, for the pleasure of congratulating
you on the angelic mission to which you are devoting yourself. Your
presence in the camp will, I trust, induce a more affectionate sentiment
towards the chair of St. Peter. As you move indifferently among your
own countrymen and ours, your sober but picturesque garb will com-
mand their attention; the sight of your rosary will edify our Light
Dragoons, and, I hupe, even the profaner levity of our sailors. The
judicious display of a corner of your hair jersey, may divert them from
secular reminiscences of Wapping, and perhaps (for who knows what
may not be possible through the blessed instrumentality of feminine
self-sacrifice ?) convert our army, navy, and ordnance into a camp of
crusaders.
la truth, beloved sister in the faith, that is to be (when Protestantism
is disposed of), my heart is with you, and my constant sympathy ac-
companies your generous and genteel exertions. I send you the
" Lives of Our English Saints" as a token of my affectionate interest,
and, as I can draw a distinction between the missionary and the
woman, I add a packet of English tea and sugar. As for the relics
you desire to take with you, 1 fear there are few at present in this
country. For a century or two they have not been quoted at par, and
though now there is a chance of their reaching a premium, the ex-
change has been so long against us that I fear what we had have been
long since exported ; but I will cause diligent inquiry to he made in
Wardour-street, and if obtainable you shall have some. My friend,
Ignatius Mullins, does, I believe, possess a finger-bone of the blessed
St. Walburga, which is accounted a specific for colds and sore throats.
If I can prevail upon him, he shall lend it you for your voyage to
Balaklava, and I will send it to Marseilles together with some lamb's
wool stockings and cough lozenges.
Of this you may be assured. at all events there will be ample exer-
cise for any miraculous gifts with which you can endow your-
self through my agency or that of others. As the spiritual wants
of the army in the East have had our first attention, there are naturally
many deficiencies in hospital stores and attendance, and in camps
and transport comforts and conveniences, which admit of supernatural
remedies. For such cases our friends here will send you a box of con-
secrated tapers, with a picture of St. Willibald, who was, as you will
learn, the possessor of a powerful remedial balsam, and whose aid you
should, therefore, invoke in the case of severe sabre cuts or gun shot
wounds. I regret to be obliged to ask you to be sparing. of the tapers,
as their material ingredients are greatly enhanced in price by the v:ar,
and I may be driven by the House of Commons to impose an import
duty, which will make them still more costly. Of course I shall en-
deavour instead of this to tax the Protestant landholders ; but, as I may
not succeed, I would recommend economy even in the use of spiritual
instruments. lam about to curtail my own ecclesiastical luxuries,
and have even put my patron saint on a short allowance of incense.
My Stock Exchange missions are already superseded that I may take a
more active interest in the welfare of yourself and companions. You
have my prayers for your success with the Fusiliers • let me have
yours in return for the conversion of the remainder of the South Seas ;
and, to conclude, believe me
Virtually your Brother in the Faith,
W. E. G.

• ' ``*‘44iii