The Press.
London, England, 1853-07-09 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

About five o'clock the indefatigable Captain BERNAL OsaoaNE had
some reason to believe that he had traced to its source the distressing
intelligence so rife. A detective in plain clothes had caught a little old
man, with grey hair and a very sinister expression of countenance,
altogether very much like an ill-favoured denizen of Duke's-place,
listening at one of the doors in Argyll-house, and occasionally looking
through the keyhole. It was ascertained that. he hail entered the
house through the area, and had wheedled his way up stairs by pre-
tending he was engaged on some odd jobs, and tweasionally showing
some flash jewellery to the housemaids. Stunt` papers were found in
his possession which clearly proved that he was eennected with the
prevalent rumour. He gave his name as ABRAHAM HAYWARD, but the
police, who were well acquainted with him. said the latter was an
assumed name, and that he was better known by that of FAME.
ABRAHAM HAYWARD, if/DiS FAWN, Was then brought nit to Marl-
borough-street Office. The prisoner seemed mut+ atteeted by his
situation : sometimes greatly depressed, amal offiging t 4) lick anybody's
shoes who would help him; then blustering a little, and vowing that
he was well known to several persons of quality ; anon, he grew
humorous and tried to joke with the policemen, telling them stories
about Lord 'ruuni.ow anti other monstrous fudges ; but when they
would not stand this, and gave him a gentle rap with their bludgeons,
he began to whimper, and ()tiered to say anything or betray anybody
provided he was not harmed. lie coutCsmed his guilt, but vowed that
he had only repeated what he had heard—that gossip had always been
his stumbling-block—that he could bear no malice to the existing
Government, inasmuch as. it' it remained in power, he was promised a
place about Court, for which his tine person and finished manners
eminently qualified him. Mr. HENRY, the magistrate, arrived at thin
moment, but the great length of our parliamentary proceedings renders
inevitable the postponement of this police report.

A QUESTION' FOR SERGEANT ADAMS.

If banishment seem not a sentence too big
For a woman who calls a policeman a pig,
Pray say should its period less be or more
For a man who pronounces Lord Du ni.EY a bore

THE NIGHTCAP OF THE COMMONS.
"KEATING'S LEGENDs.”

SINCE the days of Bonus SMITH and CONVERSATION SHARP we do not
believe that any maiden speaker ever committed no ponderous a
failure as poor Mr. KEATINO on last Wednesday morning. Emulous of
the fame of parliamentary " dinner-bells," he has aehieved the
somniferous celebrity of the Nightcap of the Commons! His speech
should have been printed with all its accompaniments of " vehement
yawati" and " loud and long-continued owing." Admintble orator,
who in a single effort conquered the vigilant faculties of his adversaries
and his friends! He has done more than his countrymen GRATTAN,
I'LUNKET, SHERIDAN, or CANNino ever accomplished—he has put
Parliament to sleep ! If he could be patented for the use of fidgetty
old ladies, he might prove as valuable an invention us Sir llt3truaY
DAVY'S safety-lamp. By this time speculators in new discoveries RIO
cudgelling their wits to learn how they can turn to effect the marvellous
potency of Mr. KEATING'S mesmerising mediocrity. "The patent sleep.
causing KEATINO .EI.IXIR" will ere long become a standing newspaper
advertisement, and the Honourable Gentleman will have the proud
satisfaction of associating his name with " Sleep 14 the Million."
Nor let him summon(' that we are I►euring t too hard upon him. We say
it in till seriousness that amongst all the orators of modern times to
none more than to himself is applicable the tribute of inicnisKs to
lhotonTunsEs, "Si ilium 11111liMMeli " !
Testing him, not by an oratorical but by a utilitarian standard,
his patriotism requires acknowledgment.

" Sleepless himself Go give the ' Commons ' sleep,"
he has, like one of the heroes of " The Duneiad," gallantly sacrificed
nights of his own repose in order to secure one for his brother Mem-
bers. By birth and race belonging to the " Tipperary Boys," who
have earned an unfortunate notoriety by the frequency with which they
send people to the sleep that is eternal, Mr. KEATING has outdone the
efibrts of Captain Rock and his Ribbonm en. as the eabless Members
confessed last Wednesday, when they found themselves, amid extin-
guished gas-lamps, converted into a vast party of " Peep o' Day Boys !"
Redmond O'Hanlon himself might envy the tunic of the Member for
Reading.
We are hound in justice to add, that the invention of the Honour-
able Gentleman was equal to his industry. In the early literature of
Ireland, " Keating's Legends" have won deserved fame from their
mythical marvels. The " Tales of the Admiralty," as related by the
Member for Reading, will give increased celebrity to the name of
" the fabulous KEATING." Pity, however, that he did not impart a
little of old GEOFFUEY'A brilliancy into his garbled. distorted, mis-
stated narrative. Such a quantity of fictitious matter was never before
uttered in so prosaic a style. A dialogue between two Irish Members
is traditional at Bellamy's. " Will you dine with me to-day, Mac-
Bluster?" said Captain O'ltumpus; " I'll give you potatoes and beef."
To which Mr. Maellluster replied, " 'Tim my own dinner exactly—
barna' the beef!" As we listened to the lumbering length of the worst
maiden speech on record, last Wednesday, we thought to ounitheb,
before falling asleep in the middle of it—" "Ds one of KLATIMiti legends
—barring the brilliancy!"

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230

TO CORRESPONDENTS.
A MEDICAL MAN, an the subject of the Croydon report, le left
out for want of space.
A CONVERVATIVE, on the India Bill, shall be inserted, if poLable
In our next number.