The Press.
London, England, 1857-01-03 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

THE PREMIER'S JOKE.

A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, AS PERFORMED AT SOUTHAMPTON.
ACT I.
An Aportment al Broadlands.

Lord PALNIERSTON.—WeII, Mr. Lankester, you quite understand ?
Two liat•irous for the laundry, a scraper in the lawn, and a packet of
tenpenny nails for me.
Mr. LANRESTER.—Quite correct, my Lord. They shall be sent
over the first thing in the morning, my Lord. Anything wanted in the
brass way, my Lord ?
Lord PALMERSTON.-1. think not; I think not. Osborne was down
hero yesterday. And how goes on the election, Mr. Lankester ?
Southampton still excited, eh ?
Mr. LANICESTER.—Very much, my Lord. But I trust that all will
go right.
Lord PALMERSTON.—Let's see. What does going right mean ? Oh !
ah ! Mr. Weguelin's your boy. Awkward name for you Hampshire
people to pronounce. What do you call him—Wigglin ?
(Sings) " A lobstecre in a lobsteere pot,
A blue fish Wigglin on a hook,
May suffer some," &c.,
But he's not a blue fish, but a very excellent and admirable candidate,
and just the man for you.
Mr. LANKESTER.—I hope it may prove so, my Lord. But Mr.
Andrews is very strong, especially with the lower classes.
Lord PALMERSTON.—Say, the humbler orders, Lankester. It means
just the same thing, but sounds better. Andrews, Andrews !—oh !
yes, I know all about him—a coachmaker. A worthy man, no doubt,
in his way.

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Mr. LANKEEITER.—He is very much in our way, just now, my Lord.
Lord PALMERSTON.—Ha! ha! Very good. But surely you do
not expect any dangerous opposition in that quarter. Coachy-poachr
won't drive over you, surely. Put your shoulders to the other man a
wheel.

Mr. LANKESTER.—Andrews is very popular, my Lord. He offers
himself in an independent manner, and goes the whole —I beg
your Lordship's pardon—he professes extreme politics.
Lord PALMERSTON.—I am very tolerant, my dear Mr. Lankester.
Extreme politicians do not the least harm in the House; the worst that
can be said against them is, that they give a little more trouble
when they're wanted, than the rank and file. Seat Coachy-poachy,
if you like. I dare say his springs will bear oiling, like °trier people's.
Mr. LANEESTER.—But consider the difference iu the two men,
my Lord. The Governor of the Bank of England!
Lord PALMERSTON.—I've a notion that Sir George Lewis will
think it a bore to have the Bank of England's knees in his back all
through the session.
Mr. LANIESTER (alarmed).—l hope I don't understand your Lord-
ship to mean that you would favour the Opposition candidate?
Lord PALMERSTON.—NO, no. I was only joking. Wigglin 's your
man, of course. One prefers an educated man and a gentleman, under
all circumstances. That was a stupid business about the stamp
distributor, wasn't it? You will do well to make a clatter about that,
and intercede, don't you understand, to get him back his place. Some
mismanagement there, but you may turn it to good account—some of
you run up to London and see the Somerset•house folks. Of course
you will not publish your generous action.
Mr. LANICESTER.—UnIess it were for the sake of giving example
for such actions, my Lord.
Lord PALMERSTON.—True ; that's the very way of looking at it.
Well, adieu, Mr. Lankester, and take care of Mr. Wigglin, and the
flat-irons, and the scraper, and the nails.

ACT 11.

(Exit—whistling.

A Crowded CommiHee•Room. The Ironmonger is on a Table Addressing an Excited

Avdienee. •
"And when I tell you, gentlemen, that the Prime Minister of Eng-
land—(cheers)—yes, gentlemen, the Most Noble Viscount Pal-
merston—(cheers)—that eminent nobleman to whose charge are
intrusted the destinies of this nation, and who is deeply in the con-
fidence of our beloved Sovereign, I may say our beloved neighbour—
(cheers)—when I say, gentlemen, that that exalted nobleman has
given his unhesitating opinion that Mr. Weguelin ought to he re-
turned for Southampton, will you slacken in your exertions ? (Never.)
Lord Palmerston, gentlemen, stated to me, in his own beautiful
residence, known to you all by name, and to many more intimately—
I allude to Broadlands—that although Mr. Andrews, whom his Lord-
ship, with his usual happy facetiousness, called Coachy-poachy—
(roars of laughter)—might be a respectable man, our candidate, Mr.
Weguelin, being a gentleman, a man of rank and position, a man of
education and intellect, was the member whom Southampton ought
to return. (Loud cheers) And, gentlemen, we will obey the coun-
sels of our Prime Minister. Now for business. Bring the canvass-
books:,
(Business, and Scene Closes.

ACT. 111.

A Popular Meeting at Southampton. The report of the Ironmonger's speech has just been

read, amid execration.
VOICES FROM THE CROWD —Andrews for ever! D--- Dictators.
Tell us who to choose ! lie don't like friends of the people ; wants a
gentleman sent in. Andrews for ever! Who's Palmerston? What's
Palmerston? Where's Palmerston? Down with Palmerston! An-
drews for ever! Andrews in a coach, and Wigglin in a van.
No lords. No Ministers. (Sudden chorus.) "Andrews shall ride in
" his coach and six, And Wigglin shall ride on a bundle of sticks, The
" bundle shall break and down he come souse, But Andrews the man
" for the Parliament House." No Palmerston ! No Bank flimsies !
No bribery ! (Roars.) Andrews for ever ! Freedom of election, and
no Downing-street tyrants! Who turned out Falvey? (Groans.)
Three cheers for Andrews ! (Cheers.) Three groans for Pam and
Wigglin.
(Scene closes in awful confusion.
ACT. IV.

Mr. Andrews's house. Mr. Andrews discovered. Mr. Andrews is reading a letter.
" I cannot withhold the expression of my regret, that a few words
that escaped me in private conversation—(then he did say it)—should
have been made the basis of an address which, if correctly reported,
most completely misrepresents my meaning. (Now, old one, what
dolt thou mean, then ?) When I said to Mr. Lankester, that Mr.
Weguelin's return might be advantageous, I also said, or intended to
say, that the advantage would accrue to Southampton, which could
not well afford to lose the presence of its Whittington, three times
Mayor—(a great liberty to call me Whittington. Suppose I was to call
hint my cat ?)—and I hope that this will ho conveyed to Mr. Andrews,
for whom I entertain the profoundest respect. (I dare say ; and what
about Coachypoachy ?) Should he be returned, his experience will
assist us to drive the vehicle of the State—(d—d impertinence)—and
should a linch-pin come out, I know that he will cheerfully help us to
replace it. I believe you know Mr. Andrews, and perhaps you will
say something of this kind to him. (He he hanged for an offensive
aristocrat.)" (Exit.

ACT THE LAST.
The Ironmonger is discovered reading.
"The irons won't heat ; the scraper's too small ; all the tenpenny
nails have lost their heads, as you must have done yours, as well as
my custom, when you went and repeated a PREMIER'S JOKE."—(Fulls
down flat, and rolls off the stage.)

CURTAIN FALLS•

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THE TITLEPAGE AND INDEX
TO THE FOURTH VOLI'ME OF " THE PRESS"
will be published on SATURDAY NEXT, January 10, as a
upplement (gratis) to No. 193.