The Express.
London, England, 1852-12-25 00:00:00

AAAAAAAAAAA OF A C01440/4. NUINANCIL.

"Hey ! why, bless me, how fat you're getting !" was the
salutation usually addressed to me by Mr. Bluffy. Now I
am quite aware of my tendency to corpulence : am disgusted
with myself whenever I think of it; have left aril beer, re-
sorted to early rising. taken violent eaercise and much medi-
cine in order to subdue it, in vain ; endeavour now not to
care about it, and don't want to be reminded of :t ; iu fact,
hate nothing so much.
Mr. Bluffy himself is round and thick, but that does not
vex him; he rather prides himself thereon; is aci tistomed
to thump his big drum of a chest, expectorate with an ex-
plosion, and boast of his stamina. He has never had a day's
illness in his life. Not he! Is always in robust—might
say rude health. Very rude!
Bluffy, rising fifty, marches about the world bolt up-
right, with a hearty russet face, cro;yred grey heir, and a
bamboo cane—of which the upper end has • leather strap
in it. In order to give emphasis to his assertions he thumps
the ground with the lower. Mr. Bluffy has retired from
something—nobody knows what. Some think he has been
a purser in the nay). He wears a military looking frock-
oast, and many people instinctively cull him Major.
The greeting by which Mr. Lluffy used to mortify and
exasperate me whenever he met me, is a sample of the com-
pliments which he was in the habit of distributing gene-
rally. " Aha!" he would exclaim to one man, " why, I
declare you are quite bald " u another, " What ? I say,
stooping —stooping a little ? Old age creeping on, eh?"
Or, " Come, my boy—hallo !—shaky ! band trembles—take
care—threateniag of paralysis." Or, perbape, " Why—
what—the deuce! What a complexion you've got sines I
last saw you! Rosy gills—rosy gills—mind—rather thick-
necked, you know—predisposed to apoplexy—get cupped if
I were you!" He would, in the way o' gallantry, declare
to • lady not yet owning to thirty, that she looked ten years
younger than when he saw her last. He would ask • poor
girl, with ringlets of an unpopular colour, whether she bad
heard of the new hair-dye? He has even been known at a '
dinner party, when a laugh was circulating, to take the
!soppy opportunity of calling acmes the tab., to some smil-
ing Lair one, " Hey ! Hey! Young lady ? Young lady ?
Hey I—Front teeth Film !" And these remarks he would
m ike in the tone of one who is really rather pleased,
though, to notice the circumstarce.
Perhaps it was the cousciousness of being " sound in '
wind and limb," as he phrased it, that occasionsd Mr.
Bluffy to delight in observing other people pisgues and ia-
firmities—like the nice man who enjoy. the view of • ship-
wreck, from the beach. As though he should have said,
inwardly: " Ha, ha! your hair is falling, bark bending,
head shaking, sudden death imminent, teeth are deceyin
—and mine not."

If Bluffy thought you had mom y in a bank, he would tall
you of sonic similar establishment that had just broken. If
e believed you to possess landed property, he a ould talk
to you ab• ut the inevitable reduction of rent; if be ima-
gined you were a fundholdcr, he would predict to you the
conversion of the Three per Cents. Had yen a brother re-
siding uu an estate in Ireland, he would inform you how
such and such a landlord thereabouts was murdered ; was
your son on his way to the Diggings, he would fut you in
mind of that emigrant vessel that was burnt.
Coventry, these being the peculiarities of his discourse,
may seem to have been the place of residence for Mr. Blistly,
But, besides his unpleasant habit of telling his friends of
their calamities, he had also the habit, not so unpleasant, of
telling one of his friends the calamities of othere. He was
likewise a general gossip—given to read and repeat the news,
saved many people taking in the Times, and got taken in
himself instead. Hence it was not uncommon to meet
filuffy at as board of hospitality—and have one's
_dinner
spoilt by his allusion to the consequence of eating.
Having on one of these occasions stuffed himself to his
' full content, Mr. Bluffy transferred his attentions from the
plate before him to a young lady before that. She had
pearly teeth—Bluffy could not say they were going; her
blue eyes were clear and lustrous; he was unable to tall her
she had a told in them; her hair was flaxen ; he had no
pretence fur suggesting mirific tincture; her complexion
spotless white and red ; not a pimple cn that pure lace for
!Mr. Bluffy to call attention to. Nor could he have the
pleasure of congratulating her on being plump as a dab-
chick. Miss Idildmay's figure was rather slender; Mr.
Bluffy thought thin.
Sharp weather this!" said Bluffy, cheerily, with his
eyes fixed on Miss Mildmay. "Bad for tender chests—
knocks 'em down right and left—bright blue eyes, light
hair, clear complexion—Eh ? Drop like phemints. All
• inged, all touched, with Conoumption !"
Mae Mildmay fainted ! Iler two sisters and her maternal
aunt had died of a pulmonary complaint. She fainted—aa
jumped up in consternation, the table was nearly upset, and
Mr. Minify treading on the tail of a dog under it, the dog
bit Mr. Bluffy in the leg—to the great delight of the rest
of the company when tney came to know it, after his victim
had recovered, an I been comforted by an old doctor who
was present, into smiles. The dog had made Ms teeth meet
in Mr. Bluffy's calf—that was Rome consolation; especially to
Tom Heywood, humble admirer sad worshipper, with pure
atioo, of the beautifal Mildmay.
Tom Heywood alsd admired, and worshipped, with •
more familiar deeotins, the pretty barmaid at the Black
Swan; whither he wss accustomed to repair for II e purpose
of offering his idol incense—by talking nonsense. Mr.
Bluffy frequented the same tavern to read the papers. It
I was the next evening when they were both siting in the
coffee-room ; and to them entered a stringer to Bluffy, but
associate and ally of Heywood's—Jack Hawkins.
Met your friend Cooper just now," said Jack to Tom.
Cooper was the host of the previous day's dinner. " Quite
down in the mouth. Lost poor what's his name."
•• Who ?"
"Oh! no relation exactly. Little Tapp. Obliged to shoot
him. Pour dog gone mad !"
" Oh!" groaned Mr. Stuffy, jumping up and turning
blue

-.;*hat's the matter, sir"' said seemingly astonished
Tom. "Eh ? by Jove though, now I remember, this is
no coke! Cooper's dog! why it was be that bit you yes-
terday) !"
Mad! mad!" shouted Mr. Buffy frantically. "Mad
dog. Bit by a mad dog. Oh ! Oh !! Oh ! ! " he roan d.
" Help, he p ! A doctor—a surgeon! Help !" And dash-
ing at the bell with a shriek he brought the bell-rope down
and himself with it, down, plump! on the floor, whereon
Mr. Heywood and Mr. Hawkins, echoing his crii a foe me-
dical assistance, left him kicking.
• • • • • • •
A year has since elapsed. Bluffs was not attacked with
hydrophobia; but he writhed under the dread of it for
bait a day. A polite note then informed him that a
slight mistake had been made by Mr. Heywood's friend,
that Mr. Cooper's terrier was alive and well, and Mr. Hey-
wood begged to express commiseration for a gentleman who
had now known what it was to suffer the misery of being
ancomfortable about one's self. It is supposed thnt the
story of the mad dog was a hoax, which could be explained
by Main. Heywood and Hawkins.
The othi r day I had the pleasure of meetirar Mr. Bluffy.
" How rematkably a-a-a—resh and well you's e looking,"
said Bluffy.
"Do you think so ? " said I. The fact is I was very
bilious. _ _

"Do I ? To be sure ! " he replied. " And, eh ? by
Jove ! not hell's* stout as you were."
"Much the same, I think," said I.
Not you!" returned Blulty. "In fact, I should say
you were losing weight too fast Mustn't take quite so
much exercise—not be so very abstemious. Bottled stout I
should recommend ; eh ? and runipstcds."
" Hollow grinder!" said I. eludsine my hesd.
" Hollow ! have it stopped, m tn. Well stopped, grinder
will last you for years."
I had been quito in :a hypochondriacal humour ; hut really
Mr. Illuffy's conversation was on hopeful and consolatory,
that I derived a wonderful relief from it. I took Lis advice
about the steak. and got him to come and help me out with
it, and with a bottle of choice old '2O port after it.
On this occasion, Mr. Hlutly exhibited slight indications
r f hydrophobia—the only symptoms of that dreadful disease
he has ever shown since the horror of it taught him so
effectual a lesion in good manners.
More delicate in tint, more slender in proportions,
like the poor relation's slice of the padding, but still
not without some plums in it, the Connie .lbsusock
comes next, loyally supported by " Brother Brough
on the one aide, and by the lay Father Mathew, the
apostle of Temperance, commonly known as the
" inimitable'. Geo. Cruikshank, on the othtr.
Florid is the frontispiece, and moat populous with
bellicose dames, and reluctantly submissive husbands,
who seem inwardly to lament that Bloomerisni of
the mind that is so rapidly diffusing itself amongst
the fairest portion of creation. The " Que,tio:i of
Questions,' the great pudding question itself, MI me
to be held in abeyance. Not one of the ladies die.
turbo her strong mind by thinking whether she'll
1" boil" or " bake" this year, but all discuss with
1 feline energy the question of female enfranchisement.
The fun is chiefly pictorial, and therefore not trans-
ferable, but towards the end we find something about
Christmas, which, —as ono Christmas t e as
rible to another,—may answer 1.7
swath will be
general issuing of dime/ btvitations ,
• •;.•
•
.r
4 so.
ide. "io.
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