The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1874-08-29 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

A RETORT. —Murphy (recently made a sergeant) wad
a man of boisterous manners, and very fond of sparring
with Warren, who had lately written his very clever
work called Ten Thousand a One day, at table.
he called out, "Warren, I never had patience to
finish that book of yours, but do tel line what became
of Gammon." Warren seemed not to bear him, and
did not answer the que,tion. It was repeated, "Do
tell me what was the eud of Gammon." Warren then
answered, "Oh, they made him a sergeant, and he
was never heard of after."—Rerollecnons of John
Adolphus.
. • • - •

LOOK AT Hons.---A clergyman had two daughters
who were much too fond of dress, which was a grief to
him. Ile had often.reproved them, but in vain; and
preaching one day on the sin of pride, he took occasion
to notice, among other things, pride in dress. After
speaking some considerable time on the subject, he
suddenly stopped short, and said, with much feeling,
and expression, "But you will say, ' Look at horns.'
My good friends, I do look at home till my heart
aches."

GIVING A REASON.—A well-known senator Ia
Washington is noted for taking two sherry-cobblers in
succession before breakfast. One morning, while the
senator was practising at the metropolitan bar, • friend
put to him the pertinent question: "senator, why
do you take two sherry-cobblers as a custom? won't
one tone you?" The Senator drew himselt up : "I
will tell you why I take two sherry-cobblers. -When
I have taken one, it makes me feel like another man.
Well, you see, I'm bound by common courtesy to treat
that man, so I take a second."
DeciiiraDav Cool.. —An Arkansas volunteer in the
Mexican war, riding on horseback, came across an
111inoisian who was shot in the leg. The Illinoiaian
told him where he was wounded, and asked to be taken
bp and conveyed out of danger. Arkansas placed him
behind his saddle, and fastened him to himself with
a leather strap. While they were hastening from
danger, a grape shot took Illinois' head off, but
Arkansas thought he had only fainted from fatigue
and pain. When a safe place was arrived at, the
horseman released his charge, and seeing his head was
gone, exclaimed, " Well, these Illinoisians are the
greatest liars. Here's a rascal with his head cut off,
when he told me he was only shot in the leg. You
can't believe a word these fellows say !"
ASKING FOR THE WRONG MAN.—A story is told of
a South Down man who did not know either his own
name or that of the village in which he resided, and
who was obliged to be "axed agin " before the requisite
answer could be elicited. A person had been deputed
to inquire for "Mr. Pocock, of Alciston," and, meet-
ing a labourer near the pales in question, he could
point out the residence of the individual. "Nos."
was the reply, "never heerd an him, and don't know
no sich place." It afterwards turned out that the
questionee was no other than the desiderated "Mr.
Pocock" himself! "Why said he, when the true
nature of the inquiry dawned upon him, "you should
ha' axed for Master Palk of Ahson."
SIMPLICITY ITSELF. --A sailor dropped out of the
main-top of a man-of-war, and after in some degree
breakint his fall by catching at the rigging, fell against
the lieutenant and knocked him down on the quarter-
deck. The sailor jumped up, as did the lieutenant.
'You rascal !" said the lieutenant, "where did you
come from?" "From the North of Ireland, an plaza
yer honour," answered the sailor.
TEACHING BY EXAMPLE. —A French gentleman
reproached his son for catrying a gold watch in a very
careless and exposed manner; but the young gentleman
persisted in the practice, in spite of parental admoni-
tion. In a crowd at the theatre, one evening, the old
gentleman asked his son to tell him what o'clock it was,
and the young man was distressed and mortified to find
his watch had been stolen. "Never mind," said his
father, smiling, "I took it myself to show you how
easily you could be robbed—here it is!" He put his
hand in his fob to restore it ; but Is, anti behold, it Was
gone! Some thief, more adroit than himself, had ap-
proiated the property.
POOR DOG TRAY.— An old Sussex farmer was out
one fine day looking over his broad acres, with an axe
on his shoulder and a small dog at his heels. They
espied a badger. The dog gave chaise, and drove him
into a stone wall, where action immediately com-
menced. The dog would draw the badger partly out
from the wall, and the badger would take the dog
back. The old gentleman's sympathy getting high on
the side of the dog, he thought he must help him ; so
putting himself in position with axe above the dog, he
waited for the extraction of the badger, when he would
cut him down. Soon an opportunity offered„ and the
old man struck; but the badger gathered up at the
same time took the dog in far enough to receive the
blow, and the dog was killed on the spot. For years
after the old gentleman, in relating the story, would
always add, "And that dog don't know to this day
but what the badger killed him."
THE OLD BACHELOR.—An old baehelor is a poor
critter. He may have beard the skylark (or what's
nearly the same thing) Miss Darlotty Patti sing ;he
may have heard Ole Bull fiddle, an' yet he don't know
nothin' about music -the real, ginuine thing— the
music of the laughter of happy, well-fed children!
And you may ax the father of sich children home to
dinner, feelin' werry sure there'll be no spoons Milian'
when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop bad
shillings into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pa
off onto blind horses for oats, nor di anything which
is really mean. I don t mean to intimate that the old
bachelor is up to little games of this sort not at all--
but I repeat, he's a poor critter. He don't live here'
he only stays. He ought to 'pologise on behalf of
his parients, for bein' here at all. The happy married
man dies in good style at home, surrounded by his
weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't
die at ail- he sort of rots away, like a cabbage-stalk in
winter.
A CHARLESTON STORY. --Samba belonged to • master
who was constitutionally addicted to lying. Samba,
being strongly devoted to his master, had, by dint of
long practice, made himself an adept in giving plausi-
bility to his master's largest stories. One day, when
the master was entertaining his guests in his customary
manner, among other marvellous acts, he related an
incident which took place in one of his hunting excur-
sions. "I fired at a buck," said he, "at one hundred
yards' distance, and the ball passed through his left
hind foot, and through his head, just at the back of
his ear. This evidently producing some little doubt
upon the minds of his guests, he called upon Sambo to
corroborate him. "Yes, masaa," said the slave, after
a moment's hesitation, "me see de ball hit him. Jes
as mama lif up cle gun to his eyes, de buck lif up him
hine foot to scratch him ear, an' massa's ball go clear
through him bins foot an' bead at de same time."
The guests were satisfied with the explanation, and
swallowed the whole without further hesitation; but
when his guests were gone Saints, ventured upon Ads
masters' good humour so far as to remonstrate :—"For
goodness sake, muss, when you tell &Hodder such •
big lie, don't put um so far apart; me had bery hard
work for to get tau tagedder
A LAUGHABLE FRENCH MIRACLE—The well-known
French missionary, Father Brindaine, was always
poor—for the simple reason that he gave away every
thing that he had. One evening he asked for a night's
hs'ging of the cure of the village through which he
.sased; and the worthy man, having only one bed,
;hared it with him. At daybreak Father Brindaine
rose, according to his custom, and went to say his
prayers at the neighbouring church. Returning from
his sacred duty, he met a beggar who asked alms.
"Alas, my friend, I have nothing !" said the good
priest, mechanically putting his hand into his breeches
pocket, where, to his astonishment, he found some-
thing hard, wrapped up is paper, which he knew he
had not left there. He hastily opened the paper, and,
seeing four crowns in it, cried out that it was a miracle.
He gave the money to the beggar, and hastened to the
church to return thanks. The cure soon after arrived
there, and Father Brindaine related the miracle with
the greatest unction • the cure turned pale, put his
hand into his pocket, and in a instant perseived that
Father Brindaine, in getting up in the dark, had teen
the wrong pair of breeches 0. he had performed a
miracle with the curd's crowns.