The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1874-10-10 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

The Cremation Society proposes to do ita cremating
Frydays
- •

A doctor reckons that an average woman will shed
a barrel of tears in forty years.

Lowell, Saturday. Two little boys and a pistol.
Now only one little boy and a pistol.

- .
Josh Billings says, "There is two things in this life
for which we are never prepared, and that is twins."

"Oh no, dear Charles," said aPaltirnore widow to
her cousin, on their return from the obsequies of the
lamented, "nothing- no, nothing can e'er assuage my grief.
But for my friends' sake I must live on , and if you could
order half-a-dozen of those nice soft-shell crabs, aml a
porter-house beefsteak (rare), I will try to be unselfish for
the world's sake."

A bull rushed into a millinery store, causing a
stampede among the ladies present. The lady in charge
drove the gentleman out by exhibiting the price of an
autumn bonnet.

An American literary gentleman and poet writes
In mockery of his cold in the following bitter (beer)spirit
The hood is beabig brighdly, love.
The sdars are shidig to ;
While I am garig dreabily,
Add thigkig love of you;
You caddot, oh you caddot know,
My darlig, how I bias you
(Oh, whadt a fearful cold I've got—
Ok-tish-ti I Ck-ck-tish-n I)
Whoever, heard of the "mysterious disappearance
of an ugly and unprepossessing girl? Yet such is the desig-
nation that heads a New York advertisement. But why not
let her disappear? kV New Yorker.
• • •

A Boston artist, who excels as an animal painter,
saw as he was passing through one of the rural towns of
Massachussets a very animated-looking bull. Thinking he
would like to take it on canvas he got permission of the
owner, an honest old farmer, and in due time produced an
excellent likeness of the bull, which he sold for 200 dollars.
On seeing the farmer soon after, he told him he had sold the
picture of his bull for 200 dollars. 'Good gracious," said
the old man ; "Why I would have sold the bull for less than
that l"
An American young man of five years old had been
visiting at the house of a relative, where he took some
primary lessons in the history of the American Revolution
and how the Americans whipped the Britishers. The lad
returned home full of his new subject, and at the tea-table
said to his father—" are you a Britisher? Yes, my
son ; I was born in Engla.nd." " Well, we whipped you,"
retorted the youth.
A lady who had barely succeeded in not catching an
out-going train at NI assillon, Ohio, stood gazing at it with
her arms full of packages and her eyes full of tears, when a
gentleman arrived at the depot on a run, with his valise in
hand, his coat on Isis arm, and his face streaming with
, perspiration. Ile sat down on his valise, and deliberately
said " it," whereupon the lady sweetly smiled, and said,
"thank you, sir"
A New York man who was demonstrating to a
crowd that there was no such thing as hydrophobia, was the
first to climb up a barber's pole when a small yellow dog
came rushing down the street.
TALL WRITING.—A Radical -journal of South
Carolina dilates on the situation :---" We are crossing the
ledge with a yawning precipice on either side. Ten thousand
feet below are the sharpened rocks, and destruction, crouch-
ing like a hyena, waiting for the dead. Looking back a
moment, missing a single step, the tremor of a nerve, the
failing eta muscle, the uncertain quiver of an eye, and the
Republican party is dashed to pieces for ever, while the
blackness of darkness shall be rent with the wild yell of the
Democratic party, as it springs forward to the helm to take
charge of the rights and liberties of the people of South
Carolina." This will prove to the benighted philologists of
Britain that English is not such a poor vehicle of thought
as people sometimes imagine.
BE 00-TIFUL !—Those calm and beautiful July
evenings, as Claude sad Pauline stood gazing up into the
breathless heavens, after they had grown tired of guessing
what Mar should be their home when love becomes Un-
mortal, they turned their fond eyes upon the comet, and
then, mid her exclaniations of delight mid wonder, he inci-
dentally whispered into her ravished ear—" Each particle
of matter which composes the tail is sanposed to move in a
hyperaellc orbit, with the sun in the Dims of the opposite
Mauch, under the inffnenee eta repulsive force emanating
from the sun, and decreasing by the law of the inverse
some of the Matinee."