The Press.
London, England, 1855-06-16 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

JUNE 16, 1855.

THE RIGHT MEN IN THE RIGHT PLACES.
Hurrah for the movement of modern Reform !
You Cripples, Hurrah for the pace !
We've patents for taking the right men by storm
And putting them each in their place.

The tribe of Grey cousins, the Elliot hosts,
We'll stow in a monster balloon,
And send them off looking for lucrative posts
In the Milky Way or the Moon.

The Gordons and Bamsays and Sawnies allied
We'll ship to the northernmost zone,
As Attaches to icebergs, to float far and wide,
Or as Consuls to islands unknown.

From a ranting and raving Radical team
We'll get the most docile of Whigs,
A brawler shall make us a beadle supreme
If it please the Marylebone pigs.

The Premier, as Clown, shall exhibit his skill
In some pantomimic mystery ;
And Johnny be usher at Pentonville,
For his smattering of French and of History.

Panmure shall go partners with " Rheumatic " Blair,
And help off his pills by a figment ;
Argyll, with a beautiful head of black hair,
Shall puff some capillary pigment.

A moral we'll make out of Osborne's eclipse
To encourage the slow and the good,
And while we are building so many huge ships
Of course we'll make something of Wood.

The triflers and twaddlers we'll cease to deride,
The cyphers will swell our amount ;
Not a rip but shall keep a respectable side,
Not a stick but we'll turn to account.

So, Hurrah for the movement of modern Reform !
You Cripples, Hurrah for the pace !
We've patents for taking the right men by storm
And putting them each in their place.

HISTORY OF ENGLAND UNDER THE
OLIGARCHY.
The following is an extract from the 137th volume of the continuation of Macaulay by Lord
John Russell, descendant of the nobleman spoken cf in the text as Ambassador to Vienna, who
rt.!, col!. toT sAustralias,a3 Goevelrepoii9ttrreof, was carried away by a kangaroo, and never afterwards
THE fear of invasion by a foreign foe had scarcely been dispelled by
his becoming the most valuable ally of England, when that unfortu-
nate country, ever doomed to suffer, was successfully attacked by a
tribe whose ambition had ever been devoted to her humiliation, and
whose interests were involved in her complete subjugation. The
contempt into which the Whiggi had long fallen was undeniably
merited, but the carelessness with which their machinations were
regarded was far less justifiable. Issuing from the fastnesses of
Sutherland, reinforced by a very small but compact body from
Bedford, and under the leadership of an ancient chief, whose
reputation had long survived his ability, the Whiggi, by a series of
unscrupulous manoeuvres, made themselves masters of the country,
almost without opposition. Preserving the forms of the venerable
Constitution, for the sake of blinding a nation to which names are
ever dearer than the things they represent, the victors proceeded to
violate its spirit in every particular Their chief, intoxicated with his
triumph, proclaimed himself Dictator, under the title of Pamerlane the
Great, and he immediately proceeded to parcel out the conquered realm
among his greedy followers. Seizing himself upon the Treasury, lie
flung the noble colonies of Britain as a prize to John Sobieski, so
called from his having relieved Vienna by going away from it. The
magnificent navy of the country was assigned to one Lignum, formerly
a humble maker of sacks or budgets, in which vocation having failed,
he obtained a living as an Indian juggler, and his ludicrous per-
formances attracting the notice of Pamerlane (himself of a frivolous
disposition), Lignum was taken into pay, and rewarded as we have
seen. The army was delivered over to a Scotchman, who had sworn
fealty to the new chief, and from whom nothing dangerous could be
apprehended, on account of his limited intellect and his infirm health.
India, the brightest Oriental jewel in the British Crown, was given to
a common Smith, whose obsequious flattery of the chief and his
associates had rendered him acceptable to them, and who was himself
suspected of a grosser superstition than that of the Pagans he misruled,
for he had openly offered incense to a Hogg. The public buildings of
the metropolis became the prey of one Mule, who had renounced his
former allegiance and ,joined the invader. A lucrative office was
awarded to a chieftain named Rufus lig itesticus, from certain pecu-
liarities, physical and mental, and the remaining spoils of the kingdom
Were aptiortioned among tate immediate relatitas and oonniotions of

Pamerlane and his men. The Dictator himself was so elated by his"
success that, like Masaniello, he indulged in insane proclamations at
one time, annouuciug himself as King Richard the Second, and at
another altenng the religion of the country, and putting down
Original Sin at a moment's notice.
The policy of the victors appears to have been guided by an
instinct which at the period escaped the severe censure it deserved,
but which the historian, writing nearly a century and a half later, can
only describe as a union off' the most unblushing arrogance, and the
most short-sighted cunning. The people would have borne much,
but their feelings revolted at beholding all that was precious and
valuable consigned to men so unworthy of it, and their intelligence
recoiled from the boastful vaunts of the victors that they had not only
won and would keep their winnings, but that they alone were fit to
rule the land, the inhabitants being but savages, who should be proud
to be the hewers of wood and the drawers of water to the conquering
Whiggi.
The Nemesis, which punishes injustice, was speedily in attend-
ance upon the usurpers. Able to gain, they proved themselves unable
to govern. Whatever they undertook, failed signally and disgrace-
fully. John Sobieski, who had not then acquired that name, but who
was known as John of Groat (from his being the height of four
pennyworth of piled halfpence) was despatched to Vienna to conclude
a peace. Unacquainted with the language of those whom he was to
meet, his gestures became matter of derision, while a more serious
danger was incurred by the humiliating offers he made in the name of
England. Fortunately the negotiations were broken off, and Groat
returned, covered with disgrace, to be consoled by his master The
war in which the country was engaged was waged gallantly abroad.
but the ignorance and apathy of the rulers at home reduced the army
to the severest distress, and it was discovered, to the disgust of the 4
nation, that the contest had been insincerely conducted, and that;
victory was no part of the desire of the Whiggi. The arbitrary and
indiscruninating demands made upon the national purse were sub-
mitted
to in patience, but the clumsiness of rapacity defeats its own:
objects, and the incessant horseleeeh cry of " Give, give !" was at length
met by the universal inquiry whether the demaudants did not wish,
they might get it.
Had Pamerlane been wise, it is possible that his usurping
dynasty and exclusive policy might have been tolerated, for the real ;.
leaders of the people deemed it more prudent to bear a ith the usurps...l
tion, than to expose the country, at that crisis, to the dangers of civil
strife. They even lent patriotic aid to the Dictator, when he de- •
manded it in the name of the nation. But the insulting bearing of
Pamerlane himself, the ridicule with which he sought to surround
things on which the nation felt deeply, the unconstitutional nature of
the oligarchy which he had planted upon the ruins of the institutions
of the country, the incompetence of his underlings and creatures,
equalled only by their effrontry, the suspicion which attached itself to
the conduct of the Whiggi in regard to their dealings with the Russian
Emperor Nicholas Mendax, and the traditional dislike and contempt
which England had ever felt for its tyrants, united to arouse a tem-
pest of indignation, which at length breaking forth swept the usurpers
before its devastating fury. John Sobieski fled to Australia, where,
with his habitual effrontery, be proclaimed himself Governor, and was
ultimately carried off by a kangaroo, which he had approached, mis•
taking it for a certain colleague. The unhappy Lignum, unconscious,
of his danger, lingered, but was destroyed by an old Miller, employed
by a secretary he kept, being himself unable to write. The idolatrous'
Smith escaped, from his insignificance, and took employment as
fashionable upholsterer, for which occupation his mental capacity,
happily, suited him. The fiery Rufus expired in an intense fit of self.
appreciation, to which he had been liable from boyhood, and the un.
fortunate Scotebman, to whom the army had been delivered over, was
seized, and cruelly hurled from the top of the War-office into the lower*
depths of oblivion. Mole fell, another victim to popular indignation,
by a repaid torture. Enclosed in a huge ballot-box, with a number of
balls in it, he was rolled through the Tower Hamlet, until the mob,
weary of their barbarous diversion, abandoned one who had aban-
doned them. Pamerlane himself was consistent to his character, for
having abdicated with a profane joke, having seen all his friends ex-
pelled and ruined, and a new and constitutional Government framed,
he immediately tendered his allegiance, and begged to be made a
Bishop.
So ended the Oligarchy. The moral which the historian draws from
the history of the extirpated Whiggi is—[8o trite a one that ire forbear
to extract it.] an

ADMINISTRATIVE REFORM.
Mints—" Molly the Cook=ld'e Letter to Dr. Belk"
Our country's come to a pretty pass, and I don't see how on earth we're
to get out of it,
For the last two years it's been getting worse and worse, I don't think
there's a reasonable doubt of it.
First, we didn't stand firm to prevent the war which would neverhave
been made by Czar Nicholas
If he hadn't thought from our tone so very tame we'd grown we should
quietly lie down for him to tickle us.

Then we went into the war without knowing a bit where or bow we
were going to wage it,
And sent a great sleet to gain glory in the seas where there wasn't an
enemy to engage it.
To be sure we did a feat at which Nelson would have blushed, and so
I think would Collingwood and Jervis ;
We stormed an empty fort, and batter'd down its walls, and bragged irs
though we'd done a gallant service.

570

At Inkermann and Alma great victories we gained—the very name of
them still makes us glow with glory—
But the heroes who had won them left to starve and die of cold makes
a miserable pendant to the story.
" But see what we've done !" say the Whigs. "Aren't you ashamed?
Look at Kertch, Tehorgoum, and Anapa, you railers
But I'm weak enough to think that we.owe this less to them than to
French and English soldiers, guns, and, sailors.
Well, perhaps 'tis hardly strange that people should combine to give
vent to their strung disapprobation,
So a body has been formed (which acts in Drury Lane) for reforming
the whole Administration;
But I think they might have left the matter in the hands where 'tis
placed by the English Constitution,
For all good ends will be gained if the Commons boldly vote for Sir
Edward Bulwer Lytton's resolution.

But I very much opine, and this firm belief of mine is, I fancy, also
that of tho whole nation,

That these citizen reformers, though such loud and angry stormers,
are themselves in need of mighty reformation ;
When I see them daily voting for the leaders they're denoting to the
populace as men of gross inanity,
I cannot own their merit, nor believe their pliblic spirit, but attribute
all to demagoguic vanity.

THE SPECTATOR.