The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1881-12-13 00:00:00

Oddaunts.

The farmer who "ran rapidly through his property'
wore a red shirt and had his brindle bull behind him.
"Tug darkey's hour is just before the dawn," remarked
&Limbo, when he started out before daybreak to steal •
young rhicken for breakfast.
MINTILLBB : Bridget, did you hear me call!— Bridget:
Yis, mum; .'.it you told me the other day never to answer
you back.
WHAT relation is a loaf of bread to a steam-engine?—
Bread is a necessity. A steam-engine is an invention.
Necessity is the mother of invention. therefore a loaf of
bread is mother to a steam-engine.
Jamie Hoe ye read thee letters to the editor the day,
Tommie I—Tommie Na, Jeems, I nivver read the Fo-
ouctiones o' anonymous writers that are fond o' seek' their
names in print.—Baifie.
A MAN who had sixty-five dollars stolen from him
received on unsigned note with twenty.five dollars, saying:
—" I stoled your motley. Remorse news at my conshens,
.n 4 I send some of it bark. When remorse news again
I'll send more.
TNAVELLEN (who has stood a porter a glass of the beet):
Yore eharely no carin' for 't this mornin', Donal, yen
takin' sae tang tae finish't.—Celtic Porter: Peg pardon,
sir, she didn't think she wins waitin' ta gie her anither.—
[ Traveller skedaddlesj—rtailic.

Tile editor of a newspaper that has adopted the phonetic
spelling received a postal card from an old subscriber in
the country, which read as follows :—" I hey tuk your
paper for leven years, but if you limit spel Pony better
than you have been doin for the last two month, you may
jest stoppit."
Josit BILLINGS In his recent grammar of the English
language thus explained the difference between the words
mistake and blunder. If a man puta down • poor
umbrella and picks up a good one it is a mistake; if he
puts down a good umbrella and picks up a pour .300 it is a
blunder.
ART CLASS. —lnspector: What lea "landscape painter?"
Student A painter of landrcapes.—lnapector : Good.
What lean " mama! painter ? "—Student : A painter of
anitnals.—lnspector Excellent. What is a "marine
painter ?"—Student : A painter of marines."—lnspector:
Admirable. Go and tell it them. Call nest clue."
vaunt students. )
UNCLR." said a young rascal to his worthy relative,
" that man over there wants to see you." 'What dose
he want?" " Bunno ; diin't ask him." So uncle
sauntered over to where the stranger sat and said, "Did
you ask for me' sir?" "No, air." "I beg pardon, but I
we. told by that young man over there that you wanted
to see me." "So I do, so I do. I've been blind these tea
years, and I want to NO anybody."
A urrrEa was once received at the post °Me in New
Orleans' directed to the biggest fool in that city. The
stmaster was absent; and on his return one of the
y..ung clerks informed him of the receipt of the letter.
" And what became of it?" inquired the postmaster.
" Why," replied the clerk, "I didn't know who the
biggest fool in New Orleans was, so ! opened it myself."
And what did you find it it?" inquired the postmaster.
" Find ! " replied the dell% "why, nothing but the words,
"Thuu art the man.'"
wity.ne WAS itt HEN'—About theitime that Mrs.
Beecher Stowe was in England, Lord Shaftesbury—the
Lord Ashley of former years—who had incurred the
wrath of some American politicians for his energetic
denunciation of their system of slavery, received a, letter
from across the Atlantic which ended a series of reproaches
by the following sentences: "And, after all, a pretty
fellow you to set up as philanthropist I We should like
to know where you were when Lord Ashley was fighting
the battle of English slaves in coal pit and factory. We
o. ver heard of you then I"
THE late Bishop of Lichfield, who was alike remark-
,r sit and learning (fie translated into elegant Latin,
in one night, the address of the Bishops at the Pan.
.Anglican Council), was, not long before his death,
avelling in a railway carriage in England, when a
biu-tering man exclaimed, "I should like to meet that
Bishop of Lichfield; Id Fit a restion to him that
would puzzle him." " Very well, said a voice out of
another corner; "now is your time, for lam the Bishop."
The man was rather startled, but presently said, "Well,
my lord, can ?-ou tell me the way to heaven?"
"Nothing easier, answered the Bishop; "you have only
to turn to the right, and go straight forward."
Tim amenities of Texas life are illustrated by an inci-
dent related by the Virginia ( Nev) Enierprite. Two
c.inratles, who had not seen each other for a long time,
met on opposite sides of the sueam and exchanged greet-
ings. They were evidently delighted to meet each other,
and their ..nly regret appeared to be that it was impossible
for them to shake hands, the river not being fordable on
account of its swiftness and the treacherous nature of its
channel, while the nearest bridge was five miles above.
"1 say, Sam," cried Broncho, "it is a little rough for old
friends and neighbours to meet out here, thousands of
miles from home, and then have to part in this way. Got
yer pistol with yer?" "1 hey.', cried Sam, • ellen
carries her!" "Good! That's some comfort; if we
can't get across this Far stream to shake hands, why
ihar's within' to prevent us from takin' a shot at each
oil. r. Just ride up to your left tbar a rood or two.
or uow—jist one good old neighbourly home shot ?"
Tiia men rode aside, and bang, hang, went their pistols.
'Yet smashed the pummel of my saddle," cried Brooch();
yer see, the horse shied a little just as yer turned looms,
or yer might have plumed ins good ! ' " Yer done better,
Bill ; tr got into the flesh of my left arm 'bout half an
inch. thod morning to yer; a safe journey to yer; and
awl tell the folks at home we met and had a good sociable
tithe tugether." "Thank yer, and the same to yer; and
I'll cite 'ltu a good account of yer." Sam then turned,
and. with tears in his eyes, said, "Bless him! It's a
gi. at woniort to meet an old friend and neighbour like
loin, away out here in this wilderness place. A kinder,
mote accomodaiiire. and more agreeable gentleman never
lived 1 wouh.h.l a missed sepia' him for UV dollars."

lqum Punch.)
BE111:413 THE INCZNPI.

Ileac) Barmaid: "These tarts are quite stale, Bliss
Hunt—been on the couuter for a fortnight Wutifti you
niml taking them into the &cond-ciars refreshment
•ootn?'

• emit ANTI-yIVISKTIONUITS.

Sir SlaniFibi-J-eui;te-r7-".6W-th-a.t-Z-fellow, Miss
Diana? Ihat's Doctor Itatchett, who swears he's going
o hod a mire for lunatics Just got into trouble. Been
rying the effects of extreme terror and bodily fatigue on
rabhit, and without chloroform, too, the old ruffian
%toi then he killed it, and dissected its brain. Going to
lip before the beak for it I Bow-street, you
now

Diana: "Serve him right, horrid mac! Don't
rant to know about such people. But talking of rabbits,
vitat a splendid run that second fare gave no to-day 1
rhirty minutes' gallop without a check I—Wasn't if
uvely ! !—and I was in at the death !I I"
NOTICZ.

In consequence of the crowded sista of the publishing
oarket and of the bookstalls, and taking ibit from the
Ilto,tratcd and the Graphic, hc., which have now brought
;hristnias to the beginning of November, we beg to
anounce that

' SUNNY DAYS."
which is the title of our
EXTRA SPICIAL SUNNIS NUMMI FOR 1883,
will be published
EARLY IN Damian, 1881.
u.sucliale applicatton is absolutely ruressary in or i•
secure Copia.

(From Psus.Jl
Old Lady.—" But I want that boa inside the cab."
Cabby.—" 1 cau't fat It inside; besides, begual' our
uurigov not babied& to boor ',insides a-bros'
ore."