The Press.
London, England, 1855-12-01 00:00:00

THE PRESS.

Editor's room in the Printing•eiee of the Fulminator. Assistant Editor,Mu.ScitkrcifeweY,
has just concluded his artiek.

SCRATCHAWAY (throwing down his pen): The best article I've
ever written, and new ground too. We've thoroughly well abused
every potentate of Europe, we've knocked over President Pierce like a
ninepin, and now I have smashed the King of the Cannibal Islands.
I wouldn't have a word of that article altered for the world.

LEnter EDITOR.
ED.: Well, Scratchaway, what have you got ? Is this for the
first? Ah ! I see, long exordium. " Liberty all over the world," very
good. " Cannibal Islands—The tyrant King issued an edict that all his
subjects shall wear breeches. A British fleet must be instantly sent
to support the resistance of the people." Admirable, but too long.
We'll cancel the latter part. I can make something of this article with
a new tailpiece.
SCRATCHAWAY : It's getting late. There'll scarcely be time.
En.: Oh, my copy's all ready. A few lines only (writes)—" This
new instance of despotic power affords another reason why that great
stronghold of tyranny, the Russian empire, should be utterly destroyed
by ,the determination of English hearts and the might of English
arms." Then, do you see, I go on to establish the nationalities of
Europe, and to insist on the dissolution of Parliament.
SCRATCHAWAY (staggered): And you really mean to fall back on the
nationalities after all? Don't you think that cry's rather stale?
ED.: Not at all (whispers SCRATCHAWAY). Fact, I assure you.
Means to go the whole hog. So our cue's as plain as a pikestaff. War
to the knife with Russia, and hurrah for the nationalities !
[DICTATOR enters very hurriedly.
DICTATOR : Well, what are you about ? Time ! time ! Where's
your first article ?
ED.: Here it is. Splendid ! It will make a sensation, I assure
you. We've just finished it.
Dieveroa : Ah, ah ! But the tone—the tone ! What does it say ?
ED : War to the knife. It begins with the Cannibal Islands—
lights a flame over Europe—and ends with the dissolution of Parlia-
ment.
DICTATOR : All bosh! That dodge is up. Here—(whispers EDITOR).
ED.: You astonish me ! Is it possible?
DICTATOR : I've just seen the last telegraph from Paris. All this
must be thrown over (tears EDITOR'S MS.)
ED. (sulkily): What are we to do now?
DICTATOR : Pooh ! We've been blowing hot enough lately. The
people like a change. We'll now blow cold a little.
En.: And my war articles ?
DICTATOR : Will be remembered when Bob Peel is Prime Minister,
or our " Cossacks of the Sultan," in their scarlet pantaloons at 548. per
pair, march triumphantly into Warsaw. Mr. Scratchaway, take your
pen, if you please.
SCRATCHAWAY: Ready, sir.
DICTATOR (reading) :" Is this tyranny to be tolerated ? " Very
good. We may ask the question. But of course tyranny is never to
be tolerated.

ED. (warmly): Never, never.
DICTATOR (severely): Except in a newspaper-office. Now, Mr.
Scratchaway, continuo the interrogation to connect your chain of ideas
with mine. "Is it at a moment when we are spending the best blood
of our country—we mean the blood of our privates and pivotmen—to
humble the pride of Russia, that we are to submit to the intolerable
caprices of petty despots ?"
SCRATCHAWAY (writing): " Petty despots."
DICTATOR: "When we have settled our account with the Imperial
robber—the overgorged vulture—the huge boa constrictor that has
slavered Europe with his slime, before submitting it to the action of
his tremendous jaws "—(To ED.) It's safe to keep up the abuse, I
think ?
Cu. ED.: Quite safe. Nothing can be better. (Aside.) They are
my own words. I used them three times over in my very last article.
SCRATCHAWAY : " Tremendous jaws ?" Do you like tremendous,
sir ?

DICTATOR : No, not exactly.
ED.: " Voracious " is my word.
DICTAIOR : No, voracious is commonplace.
ED. (grinding his teeth): Oh !
DICTATOR : Put in cavernous. The people like a new word. It is
suggestive. Cavernous requires a good deal of filling up.
SCRATCHAWAY : " Cavernous jaws."
DICTATOR : " And the day of that settlement may not be so far dis-
tant as the public believes—"
SCRATCHAWAY : The last clause between brackets, sir ?
DICTATOR: No, dashes. "Then will be the time for us to settle
with all the mischievous spawn of despotism, whatever principles they
profess "—Be attentive, Mr. Scratchaway, I am giving you some strong
points now.
SCRATCHAWAY : "Whatever principles they profess." All atten-
tion, sir.
DICTATOR : " The mere mosquitoes who, bred in a festering atmo-
sphere of corruption, or sustained by its foul and fistid "—you should
attend more to alliteration, Scratchaway, f and p are my favorite
letters.
SCRATCHAWAT: Thank you, sir, Ido work the p's pretty well. I
had quite ago in at people and police the other day. " Foul ani
fcetid "
DICTATOR : " Influences, have flown in the face of England, and
endeavoured to irritate us by their venomous stings. When "
SCRATCHAWAT : " When '

DICTATOR : " We have made peace with Russia "
ED. (springing up): Do you mean that?
DICTATOR : Certainly—there's nothing like accustoming the
to an idea.

ED.: It Will drive them mad. They haven't read my war
for months past for nothing.
DICTATOR: Very likely—they may be mad enough now,
suits our book to bring the people round to the side of sanity.
SCRATOHAWAY: "With Russia"—

DICTATOR : " There will be no obstacle to our establishing
principles of liberty in all other parts of the world. Our Minisl
Washington "
SORATCHAWAY: " Washington "
DICTATOR : " Must receive instructions to pull the nose
President Pierce, and the command of a fleet must be gi \
Admiral Napier "
ED.: To Admiral Napier !! !
DICTATOR : Yes, Admiral Napier. Haven't the people just elected
him for Southwark, and given him a hat? Go on, Mr. Scratchaway—
" To Admiral Napier to bear Don Pacifico in triumph on board his
flag-ship, and insist on his being made Chancellor of the Exchequer in
the Ministry of Greece."
ED.: You recollect what we've said about that Don Pacifico ?

DICTATOR : Not I—who do you suppose does? We must show we
mean to stick by Pam through thick and thin. Now for a fresh para-
graph, Mr. Scratchaway :—" The conditions on which peace is to be
concluded with Russia"—nothing like hammering a notion into
people's heads, as Cobden once said—" present no difficulty. In the
hour of victory we can afford to be moderate, and in the greatness of
our power to be forgiving."
SCRATCHAWAT : " Forgiving." • Capital, sir, capital.

. -
ED.: Capital—(aside)—of course.
DICTATOR : Yes, I think that'll tickle the people. Then here's a
paragraph which they've worked up at the Foreign-office from articles
in THE PRESS All safe, of course. Put that in, and your Leader's all
right. That will make some sensation to-morrow, I flatter myself.
(Scene claw.)

A window of the Reform Club, three ancient QUIDNUNC% each reading a Fulminator
First QUIDNUNC (after a long pause, seeing that the Second QUIDNUNC
is endeavouring to digest what he has read, but meets with some obstacle its
the process): You've read the first article in to-day's Fulminator I
Second QUIDNUNC: Yes, I have read it.
Third QUIDNUNC (who has been watching his opportunity to speak): A
splendid piece of composition !
First QUIDNUNC : Very splendid. But—
Second QUIDNUNC: Just what I was about to observes But—

Third QUIDNUNC : As you say. But—
First QUIDNUNC : Isn't that Babble at the door?
Third QUIDNUNC; Babble? No—yes—the very man. He's coming
up to us.