The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1874-10-31 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

A HEALTHY FnulT.—A law dyspeptic was bewail-
ing his own misfortunes, and speaking with his friend
on the latter's hearty appearance. " What do you do
to make you so strong and healthy ?" inquired the
dyspeptic. "Live on fruit alone," answered the friend.
"What kind of fruit?"—" The fruit of industry; and
I am never troubled with indigestion."
WELL SATURATING HIM !—When an Arab woman
intends marrying again after the death of her husband,
she goes the night before the ceremeny to pay a visit
to his grave. There she kneels, and prays him not to be
offended--not to be jealous. As, however, she feels ho
will be offended or jealous, the widow brings with her
a donkey laden with two goats' skins with water. The
prayer ended, she proceeds to pour the water upon the
grave, to keep the first husband cool under the irrita-
ting circumstances about to take place, and having
well saturated hini, she then departs.
A NIGHT or Jr !—A Scotchman who had put up at
an inn Was asked in the morning how he had Melt.
Ah, monn I" replied Donald, " nae vera well,
either; but I was muckle better off than the flays, for
de'il a ones' them closed an e'e the his nicht."
Way LIKELY !—"lt seems to me I have seen your
physiognomy somewhere before," said a fop ti a
stranger whom he met, " but I cannot imagine where."
"Very likely," replied the other; "I have been the
governor f a prison for the last twenty years."
Miami or INTELLECT.—A gentleman visiting a
school had a book put into his hand for the purpose of
examining a claw The word "inheritance' occurring
in the verse, the queriet interrogated one of the
youngsters as follows "What is an inheritance ?"--
" Pau imony." "What is patrimony ?"—"Something
left by a father." "What would you call it left by a
Mother ?"—" Matrimony."
G RAVITY Ann LEvrrr. —Sydney Smith had &brother
distinguished for his talents, but exceedingly sedate,
having no element of wit or humour in his com-
position. Sydney said that "he and his brother con-
tradicted the law of gravitation, for his brother hal
risen by his gravity, and he had sunk by his levity."
LIKING IT—RATHER.—Sir George Warrender was
ones obliged to put off a dinner party in consequence
of the death of a relative, and sat down to a haunch of
venison by himself. After he had i ss-n e,ting some
time he said to his butler, "John, this will make a
capital besh to-morrow." "Yes, Sir George, if you
leave off now !" He evidently thought the huh in
danger.
A MAN or REGULAR RARITEL—N \llPn the RCM R.
H. Barham, the authorof the "hovidsbyLegends,"was
at college, Ids tutor reprimanded him for his constant
absence from morning chapel. Barham urged as his
excuse that the hour was too late for him. "Too late,"
exclaimed the tutor in astonishment. "Yes, sir, too
late," repeated Barham' "I cannot sit up till seven
o'clock in the morning. lam a man of regular habits,
and unless I get to bed by four or five at latest, I am
really fit for nothing next day."
THE Witono BOY !—Some young rascals were enney-
ing an old gentleman by snow-balling his house. He
rushed out and caught a youngster who was standing
on one side and looking on, and thinking him to be ene
of the offenders, began to administer a flogging. lint,
to his surprise, the harder he whipped the more the
boy laughed, until he stopped and *ought an explana-
tbel. "Well" said the boy, "I'm laughing because
you are awfully sold; I ain't the Loy.
Goon SOUND ILDVICE.—Never throw a stone at any
one until you have looked to see whether there is •
window behind, or you may have to pay rather dearly
for your revenge. Never leave your hat in the pangs,
unless it is a bail one. Never be executor to a will,
as it is all liability, great trouble, and no profit.
Never quarrel with your wife, as you will only have
to make it up, and pay for the reconciliation. Never
mention you have received a legacy, or some im-
pertinent fellow will be asking you to stand a dinner.
Never pay to see a balloon go up, as you oar see
much better by remaining outside.
" Noe Birrette I"—A patent medicine vendor was
dilating to a large crowd upon the wonderful efficacy
of his Iron Bitters, pronouncing them the great
panacea, and all potent in building up an "iron con-
stitution." "That is so—that is so," said abystandeir„
"What he tells you is a fact, gentleman- -every word
of it." "Hear that, will you?" cried the delighted
quack; "here is living testimony right before your
own eyes—a man who has used the bitters, and ean
recommend them."—" No, not exactly that," replied
the old fellow: "I have never weld the stuff myself,
but, you see, my friend Jenkins did, and they jest
saved his life." "How's that?" questioned some one.
"Well, you see, Jenkins had taken the bitters jest
one week before he was shoved in prison for murder.
He was stripped of everything in the shape of iron
about him, and yet he made a bar and worked his way
out." " Probably he had whisky enough in him 0
furnish a bar," euggested a wag. "No, but he
retorted.the first. "He had been taking tkls man's
iron bitters, d'ye mind' And what doee Jenkien do
but open a vein in his arm, and took inn enough out
of his blood to make a crowbar, and prised the gates
open with it, and iet himself out. Fact ?" I'lle
"medicine roan' subsided.
APOTHEORIS Or WARREN HASTINGS. —At the
time of the trial of Warren Hastings, it was said
that at Benares, the very place in which the acts
set forth in the first article of impeachment had been
committed, the natives le,d erected a temple to
Hastings ; and this story excited a string sensation
in England. Burke's observations on the apotheosis
were admirable. Ile saw no reason for astonishment,
be said, in the incident which had been represented as
so striking, lie knew something of the mythology ol
the Brahmins. He knew that as they worshipped
some gods from love, so they worshipped others from
fear. He knew that they erected shrines, not only to
the benignant deities of light and plenty, but also te
the fiends who preside over small-pox and murder;
nor did he at all dispute the claim of Mr. Hastings to
be admitted into such a pantheon. "This reply,"
says Lord Macaulay, "has always struck us as one of
the finest that ever was made in Parliament. It is 3
grave and forcible argument, decorated by the n.ost
brilliant wit and fancy." In toe course of this pro-
tracted trial, Sheridan took occasion to refer to the
"luminous page of Gibbon." Upon leaving West-
minster Hall, at the close of the day's proceedings, the
orator was joined by a friend whi asked him how he
could pay such a compliment to a Tory, and infidel?
"My dear fellow," rrpiiol, heridan, "I said mlumin,
one—Century of Anecdotes.

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