The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1875-05-01 00:00:00

. SELECTED.,A;iECpOTES.

"AN EARLY 'a fate trial a witness
described himself as of a profession or trade of the
existence of which.neither the judge nor the barristers
in court seemed to be aware. The witness said, "I
am an early caller. I calls different tradesmen at
early hours, from one till half-past five in the morn-
ing; and that is how I make my living. I gets up
between twelve and one; I goes to bed at six, and I
sleeps till the afternoon." "But surely you don't call
any person as early as one o'clock? "--" Yes; I calls
bakers between one and two; but I ain't had no
bakers on my list for the last two months. The bakers
is the earliest of all."
SERVING THEM RIGHT ! —ln the reign of Charles 11.
it was customary, when a gentleman drank a lady's
health, to throw some article of dress into the flames
in her honour, and all his companions were obliged to
sacrfcs a similar article, whatever it. might be. One
of Sir Charles Sedley's friends, perceivirg that he wore
a very rich lace cravat, drank to the health of a cer-
tain lady, and threw his own cravat into the fire. Sir
Charles followed the example very good-naturedly, but
said he would have his joke in return. Afterwards,
,when he dined with the same party, he fili.3d a bumper
to some reigning beauty, an'a called on a dentist to ex-
tract a decayed tooth which had long pained him.
Etiquette demanded that every one of the party should
have a tooth extracted and thrown into the fire; to
which they all yielded, after many murmurs about the
cruelty of the thing.

THE WAY TO MAKE MONEY !—A New York gentle
man once reported to the G-overnment tax-collector
that his income for the previous year had amounted to
two thousands dollars. A meddling neighbour was
surprised at the largeness of the sum ; and when he met
his prosperous friend he said to him, "You have re-
turned an income of two thousand dollars for the past
year." "Yes, sir," answered the other. "Well, how
did you make so much? I don't see how you can do it.
—" Well, sir, I made one thousand dollars clean cash
by attending to my own business; and I mule the other
thousand dollars by letting other folks' business alone."

SHOWING HIS NE-W
VEST-!—TheßeV. Walter Dunlop,
minister of the United Secession Church, was the most
reputed of Scottish clerical humourists of the aze just
past. A member of his congregation in humble life
had been presented with a gay parti-coloured vest by
his son, a college student. It became part of his holi-
day attire, but was scarcely in keeping with his age or
the gravity of his deportment. One Sabbath, while
attending Divine service in Mr. Dunlop's church, he
fell asleep during the first prayer, and so remained in a
standing posture when the others of the congregation
had, at the close of the exercise, resumed their seats.
Mr. Dunlop looked at him attentively as he announced
his text, and thereafter exclaimed? "Willie, my man,
ye may sit doun—a' the folks, I think, hae noo seen
your braw new vest."
MORE THAN A MATCH FOR THEM !—A well-known
and popular comedian told a story of a waiter at one
of the London taverns who was sadly given to drink.
A party of young men determined to reform him, and
one day read an imaginary paragraph from a paper re-
lating a terrible accident, in which an inebriate, in
blowing out a candle, was killed by the flame igniting
the alcoholic fumes of his breath. Jerry pricked up
his ears at this, and requested that the paragraph
might be read to him again, which was done, to the
evident horror of the poor man, who immediately went
in search of a Bible. Returning with this, he ex-
pressed a desire to take a eolemn oath upon it, be-
moaned the fact that he had been a sorry tippler and
was bringing himself to ruin, and then swore that nevef
again, so long as he lived, would he attempt to blow
out a candle!

A MUTUAL ARRANGEMENT.—A Scotchman and an
Irishman, previous to their first battle, agreed that if
one was wounded the other was to help his fellow. It
so happened that a bullet wounded the poor Scotchman
in the thigh, so he called out to his Irish friend for
help. Paddy lifted him on to his shoulders, and was
carrying him to an ambulance when a cannon ball came
and carried away the poor Scotchman's head, unknown
to poor Paddy, who, feeling the " whiz " of the pro-
jectile, remarked, "That was a close one, too." A sur-
geon, noticing the Irishman carrying his headless
burden, asked him where he was goinc, with it. "Why,
shure, and where should I be going hitt to the doctor,
to have him doctored?" replied Paddy. "But, my
friend, do you not see that he has had his head knocked
off by a shot ? " "Oh bedad, so he has! "cried Paddy,
when he had lowered the corpse of his friend; "why
what a thunderin' liar the fellow must be I He told
me it was only a bullet wound in his leg ! "
RAISING THE WIND I—Several years ago a couple of
Yankees were travellin' out west, an' they got out of
money. So they konkluded to "raise the wind" as
follers :—They were to go into a village an' announce a
show, pretendin' that they had a remarkabul animal,
which they had jest captured on the Rocky Mountings
—a bran new beast, such as was never seen before. The
name was "Giascutis." It was to be shown in a room,
an' one of the fellers was to play the Giascutis. He
was put bhind a screen, an' had sum chains to shake,
an' he also contrived to growl or howl as no critter ever
did before. \Val, the people of the village all cum to
see the Giascutis, an' after the room was filled his com-
panion began to explain to the audience what a terribul
beast he had, how he killed ten men, two boys, an' five
horses in ketchin him, an' now he had got him at
" enowmous expense," to show him. Jest as everybody
was gapin' and dam', thar was all at once, a most
terrible growlin' and howlin', an' rattlin' of chains, an'
in the excitement the showman, almost breathless,
yelled out at the top of his voice, "the Giascutis is
loose! Run! run ! run !" An' away went the peop,e
down-stairs, heels over head, losin' all they had paid,
an' seeing nothin'.
A FIVE SHILLING REBUKE I—Swift having paid a
visit to Sir Arthur Acheson's country seat, and being,
on the morning of his return to his deanery, detained a
few minutes longer than he expected at his breakfast,
found when he came to the door, his own man on
horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur's holding the
horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, turned the
head of his horse towards his own man, and asked him,
in a low voice, if he did not think he should give some-
thing to the servant who held his horse, and if he
thought five shillings would be too much. "No, sir, it
will not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely," was
the reply. The dean made no remark at the time upon
this; but when he paid his man's weekly account,
wrote under it—" Deducted from this, for money paid
to Sir Arthur Acheson's servant for doing your busi
ness—five