The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1868-10-03 00:00:00

ELECTION ADDRESSES.
(From Punch.)
IV.—THOROUGHLY TEETOTAL.
To the Electors of Coldstream.

Gentlemen,—You know me as an ardent spirit, as
a man with but one idea and aim—the idea that all
our national ailments would yield to the water cure,
the aim to advocate and extend the power of the i
Pump. You will, therefore, not be surprised if in this
address I am a total abstainer from every topic but
Teetotalism. In my eyes Parliamentary Reform is
insignificant In comparison with Public-House Reform;
in my eyes Compulsory Sobriety is snore important
than Compulsory Education, and the evils of the Irish
Church far less than those of Irish Whiskey. In the
minds of many there is alarm lest our Institutions
should be overthrown by the men whom they denounce
as Republicans lam bent on defeating a still more
dangerous enemy— the Publicans.
Some election addresses are so spirited as to make
one suspect that they were written under the influence
of alcohol : mine will not be of that character; not
extravagant, but temperate, indeed in we than tem-
perate - teetotal. Others are so mild as to deserve the
term milk-and-water mine will escape that reproach,
for it will be all water. . . .

I have never required pumping about soy intentions,
should you send me to Parliament as your representa-
tive. My ambition is to form a great water-party at
Westminster, and deluge every Government with !
motions, iiuestions, petitions, remonstrances, and objec-
tions, all flowing to the same point—NationalTeetotal-
ism. I expect to have cold water thrown. in my projects—
cold water will only brace and invigorate me for renewed
exertions. To ridicule lam indifferent I dread ale '
plause much more, lest I should be intoxicated by it. !
One of the that things I shall do in the House will :
be to object to that item in the Navy Estimates which
deals in rum. I shall move to substitute the word
" cocoa," with "chocolate " for the officers. This
will expose me to intemperate language : I care not,
if I can only save our gallant sailors from being half.
seas over. If I stand alone, as lam proud to say I
have been able to do through life, I will propose the
• imposition of the heaviest taxes on wine, spirits, and
. tobacco ; for a pipe of tobacco and a pipe if wine are
I equally obnoxious to me. I shall broach the subject of
. the erection s f drinking-fountains I nit id the pul die
(house) money in every inhabited spot in the British
dominions. No half-awl-half measures will go down
with sue. Stricter licensing regulations and the
closing of public-houses on Sunday may content some
such sipping legislation will not satisfy my thirst. I
would close the public-houses altogether : they have
been allowed too much license already. I would pro-
hibit the sale of all intoxicating liquors, except for
medicinal purposes, and I hope the time is near
when an enlightened profession will label brandy
as eau-de-taort instead of eau-de-rie. The manu-
facture of beer I would attack with bitter
hostility; the cultivation of barley (except for barley-
water) should be made a penal offence ; I would suffer
no snore malt-kilns to be built ; hop-yards should be
converted into strawberry beds, and I would c))nipel
the owners of orchards in the cider counties to make a
declaration that the fruit had been used solely for
cooking purposes and desserts. Why should not our
public dinners be conducted on the toast-and-water
principle? Why should not wine-parties at our Uni-
versities be followed by rustication? Why should not
the Legislature eat a bright example, by interdicting
the sale of all stimulants (including currant and other
home-made wines) in their own Refreshment Rooms?
I would limit the Clubs to the consumpthm of the
stocks cow in their cellars. I would have inspectors
of wedding-breakfasts and superintendents of evening
parties appointed. I would only permit pic-nics in
the grounds attached to temperance hotels ; and I
yould have all convivial songs licensed by the Lord ,
Chamberlain before publication.
I hope to live to see the day when dictionaries will ,
no longer explain Gin as "a trap or snare;' I hope
to welcome the hour when only the antiquary and !
philologist will understand such expressions as rum
shrub, old Ton), gin-sling, brandy-cocktail, sherry-
cobbler, Kinahan's LL., toddy, XXX, and London
stout. Soda I would restrict to washing purposes,
and the sober orange should never be contaminated by
association with the dissolute bitters.
I know what my opponents are saying of me ; that
I am suffering from water on the brain, that in
speech on the hnstings will he a waterspout, that I
have not three grains of sense in my head (this by the
brewing interest), and that I shall be the butt (this by
• the wine merchants) of the House, when I enter it.
Let them pour out their long bottled-up rage ; I heed
• it not, provided you take the water-side.
! It is almost superfluous ti add that mine will be a
' dry election ; those disgraceful scenes of violence in
which eyes have more than once been bunged-up will
I cease to occur, when barrels of beer cease to flow. I
will tap nothing but the shoulder. My head quarters
' and Committee Room are at the Temperance Hotel,
where I hope to address you on Monday next after an
early tea. —Your faithful Servant,
C. FOUNTAYNE WATERIIORE.
Pump Court, Sept. 26, 186 g.