The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1875-03-27 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

A LITTLE Boy's NOTION.— "Mother," said alittle
boy, when he came home from church, "I have heard
such a smart preacher. He stamped and made such a
noise, and then he got angry; he shook his fist at the
folks' and there wasn't anybody dared to go up and
fight him."
REAL SElErruALism.—Recently a thief of the Maw-
worm type, said to a judge on circuit quite confidingly,
"My lord, I really assure you I committed the theit
in a weak moment; quite, indeed, against my own
will, my lord, quite."—" Oh, very well," said his lord-
ship, "it is only right that you should have no cause
for complaint. The offence will be met in a proper
spirit. As you committed the act against your own
will, you will be punished against your own will."

A PROPER SPIRIT.—" Sir," said one of two antago-
nists with great dignity to the other, during a dispute
which had not been confined to words. "you have
called toe a scoundrel and a liar, you have spit in my
f ace, you have struck me twice; I hope you will not
carry this any farther; for if you do, you will rouse
the sleeping lion in my breast, and I cannot tell what
may be the consequences."
AN ERROR OF THE PRESS.—Blondin was engaged
to perform at a fashionable watering-place, and
amongst other feats it was announced that he would
appear on the rope with an "elephant's cooking
apparatus," and partake of luncheon of his own pre-
paring. The unfortunate line in the placards should
have read an "elegant cooking apparatus ; " but
although elephants are not proverbial for possessing a
knowledge of gastronomy, he was literally expected to
perform the feat in question, and a portion of his audi-
ence grew clamorous, and went away in high dudgeon,
when he mounted the rope with an ordinary cooking-
stove attached to his back.

A COMPLIMENT.—A Frenchman who had learned
English, wished to be particularly polite, and never
neglected an opportunity of saying something pretty.
One evening he observed to a lady, whose dress was
fawn-coloured, and that of her daughter pink,
"Madame," said he, "your daughter is the pink of
beauty."—" Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always
flatter," said the lady. "No, madame, I only do speak
the truth," said he, "and, what all the world will
allow, that your daughter is the pink, and your lady-
ship the drab of fashion I "
A Goon REASON. —The Duke de Roclore, the
favourite wit and buffoon of Louis XIV., was in his
person far from agreeable; his countenance was rather
forbidding, and his figure ill-shaped. Another noble-
man, whose figure was even inferior to that of Roclore,
having killed his antagonist in a duel, applied to the
duke for his interest and protection, knowing it was
the only channel through which he could ot tain a
pardon. The Duke readily engaged in his friend's
interest, and fairly rallied the king into a compliance.
After the king had finished a fit of laughter, and given
his royal promise, he inquired of Roclore what could
possibly make him so strenuous in his intercession. "I
will tell your majesty," said the facetious duke: "if
he had suffered, I should have been the ugliest man in
France."

THE BISHOP'S SERMON.—The bishop preaehed. The
congregation subsequently requested him to publish his
sermon. The bishop was delighted.—" And so," said
he with jocose affability, to the senior churchwarden,
"the people were much pleased, eh ? "—" Well, you see,
sir," replied the official, " our folks would like to know
summat about it, and " " Ah," interposed the
bishop, complacently, "I see—they'd like to read it at
home."—" Well, sir, that's just what they would like,
'cos"—(here he paused, and then added, confidentially)
—"it wor very hot weather, you see, and so—when you
wor preachin' they wor all asleep."
WIDOWS' GRIEFS ARE OFTEN SHORT LIVED.—Once
upon a time, runs an Oriental story, a young and
lovely woman was called upon to mourn the death of
her lord. As she loved him in life with all the fervour
of adoration, her grief at his decease was inconsolable.
She filled the air with plaints; declared herself the
most wretched of women; and in the intensity of her
grief made a vow that she would wed no new lord, till
the stream that ran by her bower should reverse its
course. A few weeks after, she was observed busily
engaged in damming up the stream.

A COOL FRENCHMAN.—It is related that a French
man, a prisoner in Edinburgh, having managed to
escape during the Napoleonic wars, took refuge in the
powder magazine. When the authorities wished to
seize him, they found him sitting on a barrel with a
lighted match, and threatening to blow up the town.
The authorities reflected prudently. and the result of
their deliberations was that it would be better to starve
the Frenchman out. But they reckoned without their
prisoner, who liked good cheer, and was determined to
live well. In consequence he called out that he would
blow the town to pieces if he did not get three meals
a day; he would write out the bill of fare. Sawney
succumbed, and the demands of the prisoner went on
increasing. Sometimes he had a serenade under his
window ; then a review of the garrison • afterwards a
sham fight, in which the troops representing the French
army beat the Highlanders. At last he enacted that
every Sabbath morning, before breakfast, the lord pro-
vost, in full uniform, should make his appearance and
read him an address. This lasted until the Allies
entered Paris.

THE RIGHT WORD, AFTER ALL I—A negro in a
religious gathering prayed earnestly that he and his
coloured brethren might be preserved from what he
called their " upsettin' sins." " Brudder," said one
of his friends, at the close of the meeting, "you ain't
got de hang of dat ar word. It's besettin', not upsetting,'
" Brudder ," replied the other, "if dat's so, it's so.
But I -was a-pray ip'Providence to save us from de sin
of i nto xication ' an' ,if dat ain't an upsettin' sin, I
dunno what-am.

AN INTELLECTUAL YOUNG LAM—" Oh, mamma,
I asked Miss Brown what is dew? She says it is the
moisture imbibed by plants during the nights of the
summer months. Now, mamma, dear, dew is the con-
densation of aqueous vapour by a body which has
radiated its atomic portion of caloric below the atmos-
pheric temperature.'

STAGE CRITICISM. —Doctor Hill, author of some
farces, and a paper called The Inspector, went into the
green-room of Covent-garden Theatre, and addressing
himself to Mrs. Woffington, of celebrated memory,
he questioned her whether or no she had seen The In-
spector of that day ?—To which she answered in the
negative. The Doctor replied, "Because, if you had,
you would have seen my opinion of your performance
last night, in the character of Carlista."—, lam much
obliged to you, sir," replied the lady, "for your kind
intentions towards me; but, unfortunately, the play
of that evening was obliged to be changed to the
'Journey to London,' in which I played the part of
Lady Townley."