The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1875-02-27 00:00:00

SELECTED AhECDOTES.

THAT WAS THE QUESTION !—" You hey heern, gen
tlemen of the jury," said a Transatlantic advocate—
"you hey heern the witness swar he saw the prisoner
raise his gun, you hey heern hir— swar he saw the
flash and heerd the report, you hey heern him swar he
saw the dog fall dead, you hey heern him swar he dug
the bullet out with his jack-knife, and you hey seen
the bullet produced in court; but whar, gentlemen,
whar, I ask you, is the man who saw that bullet hit
that dog ?"
A DISMAL WAY TO PUT IT.—Dean Ramsay tells a
story of a Scotch beadle who had taken a fancy to the
manse housemaid. At a loss for an opportunity to de-
clare himself, one day—a Sunday—when his duties
were ended, he looked sheepish, and said, "Mary, wad
ye take a turn, Mary ? " He led her to the church-
yard., and, pointing with his finger, stammered: "My
fowk lie there, Mary—wad ye like to lie there?"
The grave hint was taken, and she became his wife.

SAVED HIS WHIPPING.—A little urchin seven or
eight years old, in a school where a Miss Blodgett was
teacher, composed the following and wrote it on his
slate at prayer time, to the great amusement of the
boys :
"A little mouse ran up the stairs
To hear Miss Blodgett say her prayers."
The teacher discovered the rhyme, and called out the
culprit. For punishment she gave him his choice to
make another rhyme in five minutes or be whipped.
So, after thinking, and scratching his head till his
time was nearly out, and the teacher was lifting the
cane in a threatening manner, at the last moment he
exclaimed :
"Here I stand before Miss Blodgett;
She's going to strike and I'm going to dodge it."

EVERY MAN HIS OWN WEATHER PROPHET.—We
hear from America of a modern philosopher's plan,
by means of which every man can be his own weather
prophet. "If you wish to know whether it is going
to storm or not, all you have to do is to find the storm
vortex and see which side of it is the most moist.
Multiply this by the square of the latent heat, subtract
the time of day, and divide by the weathercock. The
result will be the rarification, plus the theometric evo-
lution of the north pole, and then a wayfaring man,
though a natural know-nothing, can tell what will
follow."
HOOK AND THE PROCTOR !—On the evening of
Hook's arrival at Oxford University he joined a party
of old schoolfellows in a carouse at one of the taverns.
Sundry bowls of " bishop " and egg-flip having been dis-
cussed, songs amatory and bacchanalian sung with full
choruses, and altogether the jocularity began to pass the
limits of becoming mirth, when the Proctor made his
appearance and, advancing to the table at which the
Freshman "—fresh in every sense of the word—was
presiding, put the usual question, "Pray, sir, are you
a member of this University ?." No, sir," replied
Hook rising and bowing respectfully; "pray, sir, are
you? A little disconcerted at the extreme gravity
of the other, the Proctor held out his ample sleeve
and said, "You see this, sir ? " " Ah, returned
Hook, having examined the fabric with great earnest-
ness for a few seconds, "yes, I perceive—Manchester
velvet. And may I take the liberty, sir' of inquiring
how much you might have paid a yard for the article? "
1 he quiet im pertubability of manner with which this was
uttered was more than the reverend gentleman could
stand, and, muttering something about supposing it
was a mistake, he effected a retreat, amidst shouts of
laughter from Hook's companions.
PUZZLING FOR THE OHIO MAN !—A man in Ohio
wrote to the editor of his horticultural paper, asking,
"What are the most advantageous additions to dried
grasses for winter ornament? " The editor replied,
Acroclinium roseum, A. alba, Gomphrena globosa,
and globosa carnea." When the rural man read
this, he fairly boiled with rage, and immediately sent
a note to the editor, ordering his paper to be discon-
tinued. He said that no editor who swore in that way,
just because he was asked a simple question, should
have his support.
AN "ORNAMENTAL GUEST."—The "latest thing" in
the advertising line is a lady who, through the New
York newspapers, seeks for employment as an "orna-
mental guest." She will assist at dinner or evening
parties—by her grace, her wit and beauty, contribute
the entertainment of guests, and she will do everything
in the highest style of art—but she demands handsome
compensation.

The largest telegraph pole in America is said to be
the one just erected in Nevr York to support the wires center-
ing ha the new Western Union Telegraph Company's build
ing. It is ninety-three feet high, rising much above
the surrounding buildings,'-and is from a tree of Cali-
fornian 'growth. The tall stories are said to come vid this
pole.
A Mississippi druggist is selling a drug to negroes
under a pledge that it will convert their wool into long
straight hair. The papers say he is doing a brisk business.
A Western paper announces that board for the
summer can be obtained at "a large and shady brick gentle-
man's residence."
An Ohio youth of rather fast proclivities fell in love
with a parson's daughter, and as a clincher to his claims,
said to the reverend gentleman—" I go my bottom dollar on
piousness."
A hardened bachelor says that every girl who in-
tends to qualify herself for marriage, should go through a
course of cookery. Unfortunately, he adds, but few wives
are able to dress anything but themselves.
A perpetual motionist propounded what he con-
sidered was a satisfactory solution of the problem to an
engineer: "Sir," was the reply, "I will believe is when you
take yourself up by the waistband and carry yourself round
the room."
The matrons of Leavenworth, Kansas, have erected
an illuminated clock in order that their husbands may have
no excuse for "not thinking it was so late."
In the village of Sheridan, Oregon, it is said that
they utilise the church on week days by taking out the seats
and using the floor for a croquet ground.
At a recent wedding, according to a report, "the
jellies upon the bridal supper tables were the pure amber
masses of quivering translucence, catching the wine-coloured
prisms of perfumed light, and holding them in tremulous
mirrors of rosy beauty." That's enough to send a man off
tof propose to the ugliest woman he knows, on the bare
chance of having such things as that for supper.