The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1868-05-12 00:00:00

A Tulare OPINION ABOUT TRAUB.

a It., •ard to be oold and empty, aod twig all along the street
T. mutton and beef In wbaden, and you with • mouth
- - •

to eat !
It • 'ard to be good on nothink—rre tried It—that 'ern •

fact.
And tt's 'ard that good folks cool ose it—tbore &Int no grub
In tract."

THI FATTED CALF.—" Come borne, me non," mid •
parent to one who had been absent from home for some
time; " oome home, and your mother will kill the fatted
calf for you." "Tell her not to do it, father," replied
the offspring. " for I have lived on veal ever since I've
been here. Tell her to kill • quarter of • pig instead..
A PCIITAN SCITO/I.—How admirable, how prompt,
how perfectly satisfactory waa the conduct of that
legendary Puritan who rode up to the door of the house
where dwelt the girl of his choice, and haring desired
her to be called out to him, aaid, without circumlocu-
tion, "Rachel, the Lord has sent me to marry thee !"
when the girl answered with equal promptitude and
devoutness, "The Lord's will be done
A TROMP CalD.—There was • very lam family
o' Cards wunst at Slickville. There were mostly in the
stator:mach and livery-stable line, and osreleas reenter
sort of people. So one day Squire Zenus Card bad a
christening at his house. Says the minister, " What
shall I call the child!" " Pontitts Pilate." " I can't,'
said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever beard
of such a name for • Christian since baptism some into
fashion." "I am sorry for that," said the Squire, "for
Is is • mighty pretty name. I beard it ones in cherish,
and I thought if ever I bad •rion I'd eel/ him after him ;
bat If! ma's have that—and We • dreadful pity—sell
him Trump ;" and he was. christened "Trump Cud."—
darn Shot.

A CONTENTED KIND
If I wan not compelled for my living to toll.
If food, drink, end cl 'thee were produced by the moll.
If ready-wicked dinners were burns on the gale.,
And rivers of Alisopp flowed free through the vales,
II we ell lived in cavea in primitive way
I could lit, and be brAppy on twnpeeom
Twopenoe a
Twopence day
I could live Ilk. e prince upon twopence o day.

If I nevar eras called on for taxes or rates.
And no paupers flatted to burden our State..

one never ass called on to aid • poor brother,
And all in the world, one as rich as another ;
Oh, if nothing at all I were called on to pay,
I could live and be happy on twopence •slay—
opence • day-_
Twopence • day—
I'd be kind to the poor upon twopence a day,
If the world had returned to the Sew/on of Gold,
When nought could be bought because nothing le sold,
When the hamlet epontansoualy sprang from Use ground,
And mutton and beef cod, but no-pence • pound,
When beer'. nothing • quart sod you bring your own Imp,
And gold, bank-notes, copper, and silver are drugs,
I think that I really may venture to my
I could Nave something handsome on twopence • day.
Twopence • day—
Twopence a day—
I should prove quite • Rothschild on twopence a day!
_

_
" LOVILY Woemr."—ifark Twain delivered en
oration last month at Washington, his rut:deed being
"lovely woman." The following are DOOM of his view.:
—"Sir, I love the sex. I lova all the wousea, sir,
irrespective of age or colour. Human intelts *mach
estimate what we owe to women, air. Wherever you
place • women, sir. in whatever position of setae% else
is an ornament to that place she occupies, mid • treasure
to the world. Look it the molds names of history 1
Cleopatra Look at Deedemose I Look at Floreese
Nightingale I Look at Joan of Arc! Look at Lucretia
Borgie. ' Well,' mid Mr. Twain, earstching his head
doubtfully, 'suppose we let Lueretia slide. Look at
Joice /lath Look 'at Mother Eve I repeat it, sir,
look at the illustrious MIMS of history I Look at
Widow Meares Look at Lacy Stone I Look at
Elisabeth Cady Stanton I Look at George Francis Train I
Aid, sir, I say with bowed bead and deepest enseration,
look at the mother of Washington! She raised • boy
that could not lie—could not lie. But he never had any
chance. It might have been different with him if ba
had belonged to • newspaper correspondent's club. I
repeat, sir, that in wha.iever position you pleas • woman
she is an ornament to society and • treasure to the
world. As • @sweetheart she has few equals and no
superiors. As • amain she is convenient ;as • wealthy
grandmother, with an incurable distemper, she is
precious ; as • wet nurse, she hie no equal mace% meet
What, sir, would the of this earth do wiilloot
women? They would be somas, sir."

A GIOTTO " NOT FOR JOSEPH."
In dancing-schools and mudc 'alls fm rumen' my form ;
Object to cultivate my mind; hod study too mews.
But, mind )er, I'm well up to NMI; what's what I mythic
know;
But nothing 'miry I tea% nod;inl that 'ore wool do for Joe.
cum &go no; not for Joe, not if he knows It—not
for Joseph.
Oh, dear I no; nothlre low—not tor Joseph, olin dear I oe.
The other night I met • psi; he Nays to me, hip,
Old feller, °ono along with roe :lii eau' to the play
I'm sten to no 'Midst doom to-sight at Drury Lao..
A piny of Shaksilawaa—goand-fici perform Ulll Royal NOS.
Spoken "No, you don't,
two
,dear hake
,you may go
kbwpmus,Vuut you .41 got J.°..47" °""

Oh, dear l no, im,
Not long aro another pal, ',hues taste idol yours nor Walt,
Wot likm Masan and 'Andel, and their music calls divine,
li. offered me • Utast, which had eon no and of tin,
To Mr a horetorto, and let me gratis M.

Spoken: Bauder 'All and Woe Herm, Her I that's your
style of 4clartathment. Give me the Metropolitan Moak 'AU
and Jolly Nash. Thanks for kind intentions, but—
..

Oh' it no, fse.
lust no. In town thergs made a ftue about the pictures grand
met', open in Trafalgaroquare ; things I don't understand*
In sportire prints about my room my mem of Hart appear,:
And funny-coloured photographs, and cartes of pretty
Spoken: What a splendid painted 'turner eras I What
wonderful artist Hillard! An yea, 'lgh 'Art may be all very
well for than that likes that tort d' thing ; but as for this

Oh, dear I so, ha
And no., perhaps, you'll wonder 'ow I manses to mot through
The livelong day on Sunday.; whia a more man Ind to do.
A rout once to the Rabboy recommended me to go,
And bear Dean Stanley preach ; says I, Don't try IMOD
with Joe."
Oh, doh on ite.

Posit—The aleatory of the San Fire lassosaos
Office stated to the Commons Select Committee el last
ses.ion on tires, " tiala welesenese in oda( heifer
matches causes to that elites • loes ot £20,000 • yeer.
Surely statements of this kind should iambs She Fires
(Moss sod the public to do osory•biag is their to" I°
entourage the ass ol Bryant sod ii• I'll Pates WA,
ll &taboo whisk light only on the box.

HOLLOWAY'S OINTNIST LAD PlLlAL—Dieeasso ot the
skin, ringworm, marry, jaundice, scrofula, or king's
evil, sore heads, and the most inveterate akin Meow to
which the human tram* is enhjeet, mono, to treated
with a more ado and certain moody than Holloway's
(hatchet:it and Pills, whit& set so petalimlT on tho
oonatitatioa and so parity the blood QM thee, diseases
are at onos eradicated from the eyettel. and • Whig
sure obtained. They am equally •11.111•10.1 in se me
of tumours, burns, melds, glandular ewellinp, lamer
wouoda, rheumatism, ciontraeted and atilt joints. Thom
medicines °past* mildly and sandy. Tb. mires Mood
by them is not temporary ar appalls! gall, 1114%
oisspieis 'Ad penaseask