The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1880-12-28 00:00:00

RISING IN THE TRANSVAAL.

The long-expected rising in the 'Transvaal territory
has at length taken place. A telegram was received
at the Colonial-office on Monday from Sir G. P. Colley,
Governor f Natal, announcing that 5,000 Boers had
taken poweaion of Heidelberg, and established a
Republican Government, with Kruger as president,
and Joubert as ornamandant. No blood has been shed.
The ounmunication with Pretoria (the Transvaal
capital) is cut off. Sir George Colley adds—" I am
sending up all available troops, and propose to leave
myself shortly."

A WARN RismertoN.—Mr. Edwin Booth says that
the most genuine compliment he ever received MU on
the occasion of his playing Ur° for the first time at
Gram Valley, then a new mining camp. The audience,
which had not aeon a play for years, was so much
Incensed at his apparent villany that they palled out
their "shooter." hi the middle of the third ant, and
began blazing away at the stage. Othello /tad the tip
of his nose »hot off at the first volley, and Mr. Booth
only escaped by rolling over and over up the stage and
disappearing through a trap-door. A speech from the
THROAT Imulznou.--Sorenessaud drvness,tickllne manager somewhat calmed the house ; but even then
and Irritation, inducing cough and &Nettie t the robe. Mr. Booth thought it best to pass tho night in the
For these gym= twe B pe's Glycerine Jujubes. theatre, as a number of the most elevated
Glycerine, in confeetlon.' being in I wore malting strenuous efforts to induce the
proximity to the glands at the moment they are ' committee to turn out and lynch "the infernal sneak-
"du"' by the Act of Backing. becomes actively ing_cuas," as they paw him.
in.:. Sold only in boxes, Md. sad le lid., Labelled He was not up much to Galveston tricktg but when
"James Epps & Co., Homcropethio Chemist., a man with crape on hie hat showed him a massive
Lou ion." A letter received: " Gentlemen,—lt may, gold ring, telling him that be had just found it, the young
perhaps. interrit you to ken+ that, after an extended man did not bdieve it. He said, " I believe &hex you
trial, I have found your Glycerine Jujubes of eon- I stole that valuable ring." I
"No, air, indeed, I didiet.
siderable benefit (with or without medical treatment) I You may have it for 2 dole, as have to leave town."
in ahnoet all forms of throat disease. They soften and 1 He paid the 2 dole, but when he took it to a jeweller
clear the voice. In no case can they de an harm.— ' who told him the retailed price per dozen of that style
Yours faithfully, Gordon Holmes, L.R.0.P.8., of ring was thirty-five cents., he burst into tears and
Senior Physician to the Municipal sad Nu said, "I did that man injustice. He never stole it.
Infirmary. Ifs was Wood after all."

A tradesman in a provincial town invited home one of
the &amns of she chapel he attended. The rued offered
a blaming at the table, which Pcomeding greatly excited
the curiosity of the gentleman's eve•year-old son, who sat
!middle the deacon, and interrogated him on the subloorn.
' What wee that you said?" he . began. 'lt was a New
ing on the food we are about to eat," replied the deacon.
"A what?" Why a blaming I Doesn't your father ask a
blonde( at the table "Oh, Yes both. doesn't my it in
that way I" " How does he say it I " Why he site down
and looks at the table, and MP, 'Oh, the dickma I lath!.
all you've got for dinner.'
" Tux Dimensecn." said Augustus xiliwhimak
sauntering Into she library the other day—" the dilemma
between the works of Oorntelli Marrynt and the works of
Beaumont and Fletcher is, I_ preguine, the, the farmer
are by • tar end the latter bitumen.' Before he could
cackle be was wised by the naps of the neck and thrust
out of the building by an enrop-d profeesor, who said to
him he struck the around, •Do you heavy why you are
like Nook's ark / "—" No, said the bewilderd Augustus—
Well, it's twain paters pitched without," said the
professor, ash. shot tbe door.
oournesion. —ln a country house, recently, a
young man, on turninc gas, earn the words, " Oon•
fees tarn PM," in phosphorescent characters on the wall
Hs Warn surprised, but, liettlung, thought he heard some
young ladies outside the door, waiting to observe the
offset on hlm. Sot pretending to be he fell on
his knees and contend out loud that he had frequently
kissed kissed one of the young ladies in the dark—the one
whom he had best swoon to suspect of playing the trick.
Thai young lady won't play any more such tricks
Iminedlalely. She considers him a mean, horrid thing.
ANZILICAX StliunBs1111110.—" Now, my dear," said Mr.
Spoopendylos, as he stepped out of his bathing-house and
thumped on the door of the one occupied by Yrs.
Spoopendyks, "are you ready We must hurry into the
water and out spin, or we shan't get through in Ulm for
gismag.- Mrs. gpopendyks emerged, bent almost double,
andeLivering with the cold. "Inn tit rather chilly?"
she asked. " Not at all, Yrs. Spoopendyke, not Mall; the
air I. rather cool, but the water I. warm. If you are
going with me, yeti will went to move along.' AS they
the beach, Mr. lipoopendyke left hie wife and
boldly strode into the we. A wave broke over him,
Piling his ern, nose, ears, and mouth, and then strode
out. "What're ye standing there for. oh?" he demanded.
what go you cake yourself for —• lighthouse Did ye
come down here to take a bath, or are ye waiting for
some sklp to U. up to you? What's the matter with you,
any way?" "I am afraid of the warm," whimpered
Mrs. Bpoopendyke, "they're ro big." ' Oh, theY're. too
big for pea, ain't they?" retorted Mr npoopendyka
Wait tal I get a man to law a a little one. Better get
measured for one to suit, hadn't toe? It's the big waves
you want, I tell you. Look hire? —and Mr. Speependyks
marched boldly into the sea again. He turned his face
towards shore and beckoned to hie wife. Another wave
caught him and rolled him over, pumped itself into the
interior, drew him under, whirled him around, and finally
deposited him howling on the sand. "Got most ready to
get in river'pldime ertedr o*hrakhe climbed up and sasumed
the I'm ping to slam around
here all day, like a warnespout, welting for you? What
I did you come here for? Find any fun in standing there
like aeoda.waserelgnt Why dent you et Into the
water if you are going to? Come on now." "lam afraid,"
Mrs. Spoopendyke. "If Igo In? know I
shtnCr" drowned." -No you won't get drowned either.
rein% you hold on to me What did you put on that
elegant costume for if you meant to get drowned? Now
when I get in spin you come along, or else you go
home" Yr. plunged into the surfs, but, as
hecaaneup,hemimsdtberape, For • mooed or two he
waeled around and then began to yoLl. Mrs 13,00Plo•
dyke eyed him for • moment; and then her fear for aim
overcame her fears for herself, and with • yell, she
dashed in and hauled him out, by the air. "She-root the
water!" choked Mr. Spoopeadyke. "I'm full of the
measly stuff. fSo r. got n,did let Let go my hair, will
ye? Let go, I noll ye I What dye think you are, anyway
—• steam barber's shop; Going to let go that hair some
time?" But, frightened out of all reason. Mn. Batt.
dye dun* still, and hauled Mr. Spopetadye to his
house. Oh, If I Waal saved you ?" she sobbed. '7Dro,
'AU you waved me, " amusedßpoopendyke.
All you want is four airtight compartments and two sets
of thole pins to be a patent liferaft. Are you going to
let go of that hair r AM as she released him they went
to their separate apartments.
Land Agent: I say, Dennis, what's this I read about
a ass of missing nearly killing Lord &mourn's agent at
the cross-roads near here? Waite : Ak, sure, they bate
him odd sticks. Land Agent Did they beet him badly
Waiter: No, bedad, they bate him right well
" Beam rim Yon Even"—Lirs Daughter: Oh,
mamma, run up and change your coin before anybody
comm. Mamma: Why, what's the matter? Daughter:
Well, you're only enamelled for • square body, you
know, and your maid has put you on a low-necked
dress. _

—WINTZR LIATICS.—" Now the New Year has come."
people says," I shall tarn over a new kat." Not at all a
resolution. There are no leaves whatever at
thug time of year on any of the trees except evergreens.
SATIN° Cr a SPIgDTRIII 1,1.—" Save not, km not!"
NOR lINFORTUNATZ.—BaiIie 'lleScrew (to Smith, who
loon a short visit to the North): An' what are ye dame
to-morrew nicht, Master Smith! Smith; To-morrow I
Olt nothing particular. I've no engagement Balls: An'
the next nicht I Smith: Ah, on Friday I've promised to
dine with the Browns— Bailie: Man, that's a petty.
Aw was gum t' ausk ye tale yer denner we us o' Friday I
, The following lea transposition, and teaches a valuable
lesson :