The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1875-04-24 00:00:00

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"'Tie not Lord Crawford, but Lord Boyd,
Of habits rude and manners void,
Who, like a bull among the rye,
Cries 'Baugh' at folks as he goes by."

_
A COURTING WIDOW.—A handsome young shopman
was made love to by a buxom widow, when he politely
informed her that there were two impediments to their
union. "Name them," said the widow. "The
want of means to set up in business is the first," said
he. They parted, and the widow sent him a cheque for
ample means. When they met again, the young man
had taken a house and stocked his shop, and the
smiling fair one then ventured to inquire as to the
other impediment. "My wife," was the, rascal's
reply.
hoNsugoefi?
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the —dWil
'
"old solemn wilderness& " of the Great West.
"House ?—I ain't got no hothe."--" Well, where do
you live? "—" [live in the woods, sleep on the great
government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey,
and drink out of the Mississippi." And, he added,
depths eqrfe oneis of the
"It is getting too thick with folks. You're the second
man I've seen within the last month; and I hear there
is a whole family come in about fifty miles down the
river, and I am going to put out into the woods again.'
MORE THAN A MATCH FOR THEM !-43a old maiden
lady, who kept house in a thriving weaving village,
was much pestered by the young knights of the shuttle
constantly entrapping her serving-women into the wil-
ling noose of matrimony. This, for various reasons,
was not to be tolerated any longer. She accordingly
hired a woman sufficiently ripe in years, and of a com-
plexion that the weather would not spoil. On going
with her, the first day after the term, to make her
markets, they were met by a group of strapping young
weavers, who were anxious to get a peep at the " leddy's
new lass." One of them, looking more eagerly into the
face of the favoured handmaid than the rest, and then
at her mistress, could not help involuntarily exclaiming,
" Hech, mistress, ye've gotten a nest egg noo ! "
GOOD FARIENG.—" Sembo, is your master a good
.farmer ?"---" 0, yes, massa fuss-rate farmer—he make
two crops in one year,"—" How is that, Sambo ?"
"Why, he sell all his hayin de fall, and make money
once; den in de spit* he sell ae hides of de pattle dat
die for want'of de hay, and make money twice."
PATING HUI IN Kin' OWN Cbtir I—On on,e,occasion,
, in the neighbourhood of-Hampstead Heath,- a iuffi anly
driver was pummelling a miserable bare-boned hack-
horse., Lord Erskine's sympathy provoked him to a
smart remonstrance. "Why," said the fellow, "it's
my own; mayn't' I use it as I please?" .4nd as he
spoke, he discharged a fresh !shower of blows on the
raw back of the beast. Lord Erskine excessively irri-
tated, laid on his walking-stick sharply 'over the
shoulders of the offender, who, crouching and grum-
bling' asked him what business he had to touch him
with his stick. "Why," replied Erskine, to whom the
opportunity of a joke was irresistible, "it is thy own;
mayn't I use it as I please?"
BURNS' POETICAL WlT.—Earl Crawford, contem-
porary with Burns, was leisurely sauntering along a
road in company with a Lord Boyd, when the latter
perceived a man leaning on his plough in deep and
silent meditation. Lord Boyd drew his companion's
attention thereto, remarking at the same time what a
lazy fellow the ploughman was. Crawford aware that
Boyd had not recognised "the ploughman," remarked,
"Whatever expression you may shout out to that
man, he will reply in rhyme." "I will try him," said
Boyd, and at once bellowed 'out "Baugh," like a bull.
Barns—for it was he—quietly turned round, took
stock of him and his companion, and with becoming
courtesy to Lord Crawford, said: •

AN IRISH DISCUSSION.—A contractor who was build-
ing a tunnel on a certain Ohio railroad, observed one
morning that the face of a member of his gang was
spotted with bruises and plasters. " Ah, Jimmy,"
said he, "what have been doin' ?"—" Not varey much,
sur," answered Jimmy, "I was jist down at Billy
Mulligan's last night, sur, an' him an' me had a bit av
a discooshen wid sticks !"

• NOT FORGETTING HER TASTES.—A well-known
mason lately received a visit from a countryman, who
wanted a stone to place over the grave of his mother.
After looking around for some time, and making sundry
remarks about the taste of his deceased mother, he
finally pitched upon one which had been preparing to
order for another person. "I like this one," said he.
"But," said the mason, "that belongs to another man,
and has Mrs. Perry's name cut on it—it wouldn't do
for your mother." "0, yes, it would," said the coun-
tryman, "she couldn't read! And besides," he con-
tinued, as he observed the wonderment of his auditor,
"Perry was always a favourite of hers, anyhow."
A MATCH FOR MlL—Some time ago there was a
trial for trespass in cutting wood from a neighbour's
premises without authority. One of the plaintiff's
witnesses was a plain old farmer, whose testimony
went clearly and directly to prove the charge. The
defendant's counsel, a blustering man of brass, thought
to weaken the force of his evidence by proving idiotcy
to be a trait of his family. He therefore interrogated
him thus: "Mr. Hodge, you have a son who is an
idiot, have you not?" "Yes, sir." "Does he know
anything?" "Very little." "How much does he
know ?" "Well, almost nothing; not much more
than you do," The witness was allowed to retire
without further question, amidst the most uproarious
"screams o laughter."

UNFORTUNATE- COMFARISON.—Lord Chief Justice
Kenyon was conspicuous for economy in every article
of his dress. Once, in the case of an action brought
for the non-fulfilment of a contract, on a large'scale,
for shoes, the question mainly was, whether or not
they were well and soundly made, and with the best
materials. A number of witnesses were called, one of
whom, being closely questioned, returned contra-
dictory answers; when the Chief Justice observed,
pointing to his own shoes, which were regularly
bestridden by the broad silver buckle of the day.
"Were the shoes anything like these?"—" No, my
lord, replied the witness ; they were a great deal better
and more genteeler."—The Court was convulsed with
laughter, in which the Chief Justice heartily joined.
AN INCONVENIENT LISP.—A man who lisped, having
bought some pigs, asked a neighbour for the use of a
pen for a few days. Said he— I have juth been pur-
chathing thorn thwine—two thowth and pigth. I want
to put them in your pen till I can fix a plaith for them."
—, Two thousands pigs !" exclaimed the astonished
neighbour, "Why, my pen will hardly hold a dozen
—" You don't understand me, Mr. Bent, I don't thay
two thouthand' pigth, but two thowth and pigth !"
"I hear you," said Mr. Bent, "two thousand pigs
Why you must be crazy."" I tell you again," exclaimed
the man, angrily, "I mean not two thouthand pigth,
but two thowth and two pigth !"—" Oh, that is what
you mean, eh? Well, the pen is at your service."
THE BARD O'KELLY.—When O'Kelly was presented
to George IV., on his visit to Ireland, his Majesty
was greatly amused at the cool impudence with which
O'Kelly assumed the position of national poet of Ireland,
and placed himself on an equality with Byron and Scott,
ignoring altogether the claims of Tom Moore. After
gravely listening to O'Kelly's description of himself,
his Majesty asked for a specimen of his poetical
powers, and the Royal request produced the following
modest effusion from the Irish bard
"Three poets in three countries born--
One for the rose, another for the thorn,
One for the shamrock, that never will decay. s
While rose and thistle yearly pass away.
'Twould take •a Byron and a Scott, I tell ye,
Pack'd up in one to make the bard O'Kelly."