The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1874-11-28 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

EQUAL TO THil OCCASION !- A rek:ruiting sergeant
having treated a young bumpkin to an extravagant
dinner at a fashionable hotel, to convince him of the
luxuries of a soldier's life, and hoping to enlist him,
was astounded when the youth protested he was
"not big enough" for a soldier. "Not big ..niingh
echoed the sergeant, "why you are two inches above
the standard."—" Yes," said Chawbacon ; " but when
I say I'm not big enough, I mean I'm not fool big
enough."

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EITHER ONE OR TEE OTHER.—At a station on the
overland route to California the keeper got rather
short of provisions; in fact, had nothing left but a
bottle of mustard and some bacon. As the stage
stopped there one day to change horses, the passengers
seated themselves at the table, and the host said,
"Shall I help you to a piece of the bacon ?"-- "No,
thank you; I never eat bacon," said a traveller.
" Well, then," said the +tatiun.keeper, "hells yourself
to mustard !"

A REAL PUNSTER. —One of the most elaborate
attempta at a punning joke is told in a book entitled
Recollections of Orford. "Dr. Barton, Warden of
Merton, gave a dinner one day, and invited Mr. Rook,
of his own colleze ; Mr. Crowe, f New Collep ; Mr.
Woodcock, of Christchurch ; and Mr. Partridge, of
Brazenose—who according to express invitation, were
punctual at live cebok. Well, gentlemen,' said the
wit, ' I think I have got almost all the birds of the air,
but we must wait a little tor one bird more.' Mr.
Birdniore had been expreedly invited for half-past
five."•

A Posst --A Quaker maiden of sixty accepted an
offer from & Preabytelian deacon, and being remon-
strated with by a delegation of Friends appointed to
wait upon her for marrying out of the meeting, she
replied, '' Look here ! I've been waiting just sixty
years for the meeting to marry me, and if the meet-
ing don't want me to marry out of it, why don't the
meeting bring along its young men ? " The delegstion
departed in silence.
_ ' • '

ROYAL PLATE.--Grenville, speaking of plate at a
Royal dinner, August, 1830, says : —"S' ef ton gage me
an account of the dinner in St. George's Hall on the
King's birthday, which was magnificent—excellent
and well served. Bridge came down with the plate,
and was hid 4luring the dinner behind the great wine-
cooler, which weiphed 7,000 ounces, and he told Sefton
afterwards that the plate in the room was worth
£200,000. There is another service of gold plate
which is not used at all. The King liax made it all
• over to, the Crown. All this plate was ordered by the
late King, and never used ; his delight wan ordering
what the public had to pay for."

_
A CornrrtoN or HONOCR.—A late Earl of Eglinton
expressly forbade boys to climb the trees upon hie
rounds. Some boys had violated the injunction, and
were surprised by the earL They contrived to escape,
i save oae, who n his anxiety to elude detection,
ascended to the topmost branches of a tree. The earl
diseovered him and desired him to come down. The
boy said he feared he would beat him. "Upon my
honour," said the earl," I won't hurt you if you come
down.—" I dime ken what ye mean by yer honour,"
said the boy, "hut if you say as sure as death,' I'll
come down.'

HOW TO ESCAPE AN OLD STORY.—Lord Cobham
would tell stories' though he had few to tell, and those
he told vrosily. One day he was dining at Sir Richard
Temple s. Bubb Dodington was present, and after
dinner fell asleep, and had a pretty long nap. Temple
rallied him, when Dodington tried to deny the fact,
and offered to bet ten guineas that he would repeat all
Cobham had been saying. His lordship accepted the
wager, and dared Dodington to the proof. To his
surprise, however, Bubb went through a story Cobham
had been telling, nearly word for word. "Surely," said
Temple, "you must possess the extraordinary faculty
of sleeping with your eyes open." " Far from it,"
replied Dodington; " when I dozed off, I knew that
the period of the evening had arrived when Cobham
would tell that story; so I went to sleep accordingly."

_
LORD ELDON'S DOUBT.—It has been humorously
said that Eldon loved an if as much as Tristram
Shandy hated one. At the Bar, he lost all his opinion.
giving business, by his attachment to this little word;
on the Bench, he did all that in him lay to neutralize
his utility by means of it. In allusion to Lord
Erskine's fondness for the first person singular, the
wits of the Anti-jacolcin apologized for not reporting
the whole of one of his speeches, because the printer
had no Is left—they might have apologized for not
reporting Lord Eldon's judgments for want of types to
print his innumerable ifs, buts, and though:. As he
grew older he grew worse; and, latterly, there was
hardly any chance of getting him to utter a sentence
without a saving clause. Sir Samuel ltomilly observes
that this habit was the more provoking, because Lord
Eldon was hardly ever known to differ from his first
impression. So well was this understood, that it WWI
not at all unusual for parties to settle causes out of
court, as soon as his impression could be collected.