The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1875-02-27 00:00:00

A HUME-MATING PROPOSAL.—David Hume, the
historian, left by will to his old friend, Mr. John Home
of Kilduff, who disliked port and used to contend that
" Home " was the correct spelling both of his own
name and Hume's, "ten dozen of my old claret at his
choice, and one single bottle of that other liquor called
port. I also leave to him six dozen of port, provided
that he attests under his hand, signed John Hume,
that he has himself alone finished a bottle at two
sittings. By this concession he will at once terminate
the only two differences that ever arose between us
concerning temporal affairs."

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NOT TO BE BEATEN BY THE CLIMATE. —A cynical tra-
veller who acquired a taste in Canada for sleigh riding,
and cannot humour his taste in England, publishes
the following recipe for a like sensation :—" Sit in the
hall in your night-clothes, with both doors open, so
that you can get a good draught; put your feet in a
pail of ice-water drop the front-door key down your
back; hold an icicle in one hand, and ring the tea-bell
with the other." He says, "You can't tell the differ-
ence with your eyes shut."
DETECTING THE THIEF !—Doctor Erskine (a cele-
brated Scottish divine) was remarkable for his simpli-
city of manner and gentle temper. He returned so
often from the pulpit minus his pocket-handkerchief,
and could tell so little how or where it was lost, that
Mrs. Erskine at last began to suspect that the hand-
kerchiefs were stolen, as be ascended the pulpit stairs,
by some of the old wives who lined it. So, both to
baulk and detect the culprit, she sewed a corner of the
handkerchief to one of the pockets of his coat-tails.
Half way up the stairs the good doctor felt a tug;
whereupon he turned round to the old woman who
was the guilty hand, to say, with great gentleness and
simplicity, "No' the day, honest woman, no' the day;
Mrs. Erskine has sewed it in."

SAFE DIVISION.—A landowner and tenant having
agreed to refer a matter in dispute to a reference, it
was agreed that in case it should not be thus decided,
the matter should be settled, as usual, by an umpire.
"Well, be it so; but on this condition," said the man
of wealth,—" that if he cannot make a division, we
shall have umpires on both sides."
"OLD BAGS HIMSELF !"—Lord Chancellor Eldon,
who was well known by the nickname of "Old Bags,"
in one of his shooting excursions unexpectedly came
across a person who was sporting over his land with-
out leave. His lordship inquirei if the stranger was
aware that he was trespassing, or if he know to whom
the estate belonged. "Whate that to yon" vras the
reply. "I suppose you are one of Old Bags's, keepers."
" No," replied his lordship, "I am Old Bags himself.'
A CLEVER CAT !--We were in at Chubb's the other
afternoon, and, while he stood at the back window
talking, we saw a grey cat climbing up a tree in
the yard and disappear. Presently another gray
cat crept to the foot of the tree and
ascended. After a while a third came sneaking
down the yard, and up it went. We remarked
to Chubb that there must be a general synod
or a constitutional convention, or something going on
in that tree. Just then a fourth cat was seen plunging
over the grass, yowling and swishing its tail; and
then it proceeded skyward. A. moment later a cat
tore furiously up the gravel walk, turned three or
four somersaults on the grass, emitted a couple of un-
earthly screeches, and flew up the trunk. This kind
of thing continued for some time, and Chubb, who
became more and more excited as each additional
ascent was made, at last exclaimed, "Merciful
Jupiter! but there must be eighteen million cats up
that tree. Gimme my gun, and I'll go for 'em! "
They gave him his gun and he fired double handfuls
of bullets into the tree fifteen times, and not a cat fell.
Then went out to investigate the subject. There
were no cats among the branches, or anywhere about
the tree. Only at the foot of the trunk, on the other
side, we saw Chubb's grey house-cat sitting there
licking its paws. Just then the hired girl came out
and said, "Mister Chubb, that cat's been ruunin' up
one side of the tree an' down the other, the whole
, afternoon, like mad. There's somethin' the matter
with 'in." Chubb smiled sadly and put up his gun
and offered tp trade us that cat for a bunch of
asparagus and half a pound of cheese, but we refused,
and now he is training her to perform in a menagerie.
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