The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1880-05-08 00:00:00

WHAT IS EXPECTED OF THE NEW

MINISTRY.

To re-arrange Easter.
To revolutionise the spelling of the English
Language.
To regulate and control the passion for Athleticism,
and to settle a uniform code of laws for Athletic
Sports.
To ?Tapple with the multiform miseries, vexations,
and difficulties which now beset the relations between
Master and Mistress and Domestic Servants.
To satisfy all the parties concerned in the great
question of Stores v. Shoes.
To put down Intoxication.
To lighten the labours of Rural Postmen by author-
ising the Treasury to supply them with Bicycles out
of the Public Funds.
-!.• To reduce the National Debt (after while) to an
.inconsiderable amount.
To abolish the Income-Tax.
To bring down the Price of Butchers'-Meat, .
Poultry, and other articles of daily consumption.
To encourage the Manufacture of Irish Poplin.
To reduce the Estimates several Millions yearly..
To subsidise the Coffee Taverns.
"Mean.
• To perfect Electric Lighting. •
To throw open Lincoln's Inn Fields.
To stay the erection of a certain Statue in West-
minster Abbey.
To prevent trichinosis in pork.
To appoint a Commission of Inquiry into Artists'
'pigments.
To free St. Paul's, and open the National Gallery
all the year round.
To make deceased wives' sisters happy.
Besides such simple affairs as Extension of the
County Franchise, Redistribution of Seats, Govern-
ment of London, Local Taxation, Foreign Affairs,
Finance, Ballot Laws, Bankruptcy Laws, Burial
Laws, Game Laws, Liquor Laws, and the pacification
and contentment of Ireland.—Punch.

Fish, i

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

A very brilliant piano player can work up "Home,
Sweet Home" so artistically that in the bang and confusion
of the playing it cannot be distinguished from "Moses in
Egypt.'
An exchange speaks of the " reboomitization " of
Grant. The tine for shooting the English language full of
holes has to be increased.

An Indiana barrister, writing home from New
Orleans, dwells with evident gusto on the generous dimen-
sions of the drinking glasses used in the saloons of that city.
He says it made him feel at first as if he were drinking out
of a churn.

A Mobile paper describ a young lady with hair
"as black as a raven's." The ravens weren't wearing any
hair to speak of last summer, but we suppose the style has
changed this year. -

In New York, a short time ago, a Western editor
was met by a friend, who, taking him affectionately by the
hand, exclaimed, "I am delighted to see you; how long are
you going to stay?" "Why, I think," said the editor, "I
shall stay as long as my money lasts." "How disappointed I
am," said his friend; "I hoped you were going to stay ,a day
or wo."

There is a young lady in Keokuk, lowa, who is six
feet four inches tall, and she is engaged to be married. The
man who woi her did it in these words—

Thy beauty set my soul aglow;
I'd wed thee right or wrong;
Man wants but little here below,
But wants that little long.
This is given as the first honeymoon discussion be-
tween an American lawyer and a New York belle. "No,
Amy, you're quite wrong. I never was refused in all my
life. "Oh, Tom, how can you say so? Why, there was
Louie Simpson." "I tell you again, you're wrong, com-
pletely wrong. It's true I was ' declined with thanks ' once,
but I never was refused."
A man in Oregon, on the evening of a late earth-
quake, had informed his wife that he had an important
business appointment which he was reluctantly obliged to
keep. When the shock came he rrahed home with a billiard
cue in his hand, which he nad f. ?gotten to replace; and
now his wife won't hear of any business appointments after
eight o'clock in the evening.