The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1874-12-26 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

SWEARING HIMSELF IN !—Thecommandant of a camp
was greatly addicted to swearing. The Duke of
Wellington knowing he had been.em leave of absence
one day, asked if be had returned. The answer was,
"Yes, sir, he arrived last night." -" Has he resumed
the command?" inquired the Duke. " Yes, sir," re-
plied the aide-de-camp, with the most consummate
gravity; "be swore himself in this lamming.
REASONS FOR LANCING.—There is a story told of an
imperial highness waltzing thrice on the same evening
with an English lady at the Court of Berlin. The
lady. flattered by his attention, frankly expressed her
gratification at the compliment.—" I did not intend es
as a compliment," was the answer.—" Then," paid the
lady. "your highness must be very fond of dancing."
—"I detest dancing," was the unsatisfactory response.
—" What, then, way I ask, can be your imperial
highness's motive for dancieg ?" "Madam,' was the
exalted peisouage'a curt reply, " I dance to perspire."
Denim WIT.—AII the charm of the native is in his
simplicity ; as in the cage of the tipsy reveller who was
harshly condetuned by Alderman Porter to six
months' imprisonment. with the remark that he might
pass the time in cursing whisky. "Bedial, I will,"
said the poor fellow, "and in cursing Porter too"
Another Illustration of Irish simplicity, not wit, is
afforded by the reply of a young candidate for the
office of teacher. Archbishop Whateley was endeavour-
ing to elicit the candidate's idea on the market value
of labour, with reference to demand and supply, but,
being baffled, the prelate put a
village
in this simple
form , "If there are in your
with just sufficient employment to enable them to live
tolerably, and no more, what would follow if a third
shoemaker set up in the same village ?"--" What would
follow, sir?" said the candidate, "a-by, a tight to be
sere !" which was likely enough, but it was not the
reply the prelate looked for.
THE GRATEFUL ONE.—A mandarin, who took much
pride in appearing with a number of jewels on every
part of his robe, was once accosted by au old sly street
beggar, who, following him through several streets,
and bowing often to the ground, thanked him for his
jewels. "What does the man mean ?" cried the
mandarin "Friend, I never gave thee any of my
jewels.'--" Vo," replied the other, "but you have let
use look at them, and that is all the use you can make
of them yourself; so there is no difference between
us, except that you have the trouble of watching them,
and that is an employment I do net much desire."
PRESERAiNG OLD CUSTOMS ---It is related of an old
and wealthy lady, named Madame Drake, who resided
in Manchester about the year 1720, and kept one of
the three or four carriages then existing in the town,
that she refused to conform to the new-fashioned
beverages of tea and coffee; so that, whenever she
nuide an afternoon's visit her friends presented her
with that to which she had always been accustomed -
a tankard if ale and tobacco ! And the good old soul
died in this faith !
"A CHARACTER."—On one occasion Duencia was
taunting to a fellow litVrateur the beauty of Naples,
and disparaging Paris. The Parisian tartly replied that
it was known that the city was so dirty it was impoa-
bible to put a foot down anywhere in safety.—" But
the sky is pure and celestial," said Dumas.--" Yes,"
responded his antagonist, "because it is beyond the
reach of the Neapolitans to dirty it."
PLEASANT WEATHER AT LAST !—A gentleman talk-
ing to another on the subject of marriage, made the
following observation :—" I first RAW my wife in a
storm ;,took her to a ball in a storm ; courted her in a
storm ; was betrothed to her in a storm •, married her
in a storm; lived with her in a storm all her life; but,
thank Heaven, I buried her in pleasant weather."
No GI'RE, NO PAY !—Sir G. Staunton related a
curious anecdote of Old Kien Long, Emperor ()Whims.
He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which
physicians were pail in England. When, after some
difficulty, His Majesty was made to comprehend the
system, he exclaimed,-" Is any man well in England,
that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you,"
said he, "how I manage my physicians. I have four,
to whom the care of my health is committed ; a certain
weekly salary is allowed them, hut the moment I am
ill the salary stops, till lam well again. I need not
inform you my illnesses are usually short."
SECRET WRITING.—Iu the year 1703 the following
letter was sent by a Frenchman in London to a friend
in Paris. The letter was intercepted, and the sender
thereof was compelled to quit England in forty-eight
hours after the discovery •
• __

"LONDON, —" My dear Friend—An there. Is an op-
portunity, I am going to inform you how we are, and what
has happened since I last wrote, litit as for news I have none,
neither would it be proper to write any, as times are my
daughter Mary, who you know is just turned of twenty. Mari
had an offer of marriage from at man that is a sail.-maker,
which induces me to agree to the match, as I am informed
by people of. the, same line, they always tind ready. employ-
ment. Tam sorry to say I have been confined lately with a
lever and a cold, at. the same time spit. blood, and had a
severe heat-ache : but while writing this am fast recover-
ing ; must now bid you adieu with requesting to be ac-
quainted with all your news and how, you all are, and to
repeat my assurances of your commanda. being shears
punctually executed by, my dear friend, your well-wiaher,
The key to the above is a small dot after each word
which is to be observed, and the information conveed
is—" There are twenty sail of the line ready at Spit-
head. How commands."

A RACKET COURT.—Lord Norbury's court was re-
markable for anything but the decorum with which its
business was carried on. His propensity to joke, in
season and out of season, operated as a general licence
to all; and whether it was a civil question or a point
of life and death in discussion, repeated shouts of
laughter re echoed through the halls, as puns, quibbles,
and quotations were bandied about from the bench to
the bar, from the bar to the bench, and from both to the
jury and the witnesses; till mirth rose to uproar, and
fun degenerated into downright insubordination. Of
this his lordship himself has borne testimony. On
pressing a. reluctant witness one day to get at his pro-
fession, and being at length told that he kept a racket-
court—" And a very good trade too," replied the judge,
"so do I, so do I," while he puffed, and glanced at the
"company."
A BRAVE WOMAN !—ln the execution of a deed, by a
man and laiv wife, the wife was taken aside by a com-
missioner before the acknowledgment was made, who,
in the usual form, asked, " Do you execute this deed
freely, and without any fear or comulsion of your
husband l" "Fear of my husband! 'exclaimed the
wife; "I've had five husbands, and never was afraid
of any of them!"
WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED !—" Doctor," said
a nervous patient, '' I had such disagreeable dreams
last night! I dreamt that my grandfather stood by
mysbed for hours shaking his cane at me."—" What
did'you drink before you went to bed ? "- " Oh, nothing
but half a bottle of Maderia!"—" Well, if you had
drunk the other half, you would doubtlesn have also
seen your grandmother standitig by your bed threaten-
ing you with a broomstick."

DIC ROI% BLUN nra.—An absurd blunder bi related
in Tom Moore's Diary about Kemble. Ile was per-
forming one of his favourite parts at some country
theatre, and was interrupted from time to time by the
squalling of a child in the gallery; until, at length,
irritated by his rival's performance, Kemble walked
with solemn steps to the front of the stage, and, ad-
dressing the audience in his moot tragic tones, said--
"Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is stopped,
the child cannot possibly go on."

- - --
PUNNING EnicitAm.—Jekyll made the following
punning epigram upon an old lady being brought for-
ward at a trial, by Gairow, aa a witne:•B to prove a
tender made :

'• Gamow, forbear I that tough old Jade
can never prove a tender nuticL''

DOING A TRADE WITH THEM.--ft is told of a well-
known American map agent, that on a recent trip he
was attacked by highway rohbers, who demanded his
money. Being more prudent than to carry money in
the country, they failed in making a hauL "But,'
said our Yankee, " I have some splendid maps of the
country along with me, which I would like to show
you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, had a
snap stock upon a pole' and explained it so effectually,
that lie sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the
money, and resumed his journey.

ABSENT-MINDED PEOPLE—Absent minded people
are funny. Sir Isaac Newton wanted his servants to
carry out a stove that was getting too hot. A fellow
stole his dinner before his eyes, and he afterwards
thought he had eaten it, because he saw the dishes
empty. A Scotch professor walked into the middle of
a horse-pond while pondering on 'final cause."
Benjamin Franklin pushed down the fire in his pipe
with the firezer of a young lady sitting at his side, and
severely burned the lily-whitespoker. A-gentleman in
New York .receive,b aAletter in the dark- used it to
light his lamp, and i
then looked about* Tor t to read.
Pere Gratry, one day in Paris, thinking he hark-ft
his-watch at home, took it out of his pocket to see if
he had time to gp back after it. •
A Doerores REGP.ER—When the Rev. Dr. 11—
obtained the honorary'clegree of Doctor of Divinity, a
farmer in the parish took an early opportunity of
Astir the news to his shepherd, with whom the
minister was a particular favourite. "You will be
glad to hear, John, that the University of St. Andrews
has conferred on our minister a doctor's degree."—" I
am no ways surprised at that," said the shepherd.
"Mair than twenty years syue he cured my wife o'
a colic. He should have been a doctor lang sync I"
THOSE REPORTERS : —Many a blunder is made by
reporters, which cause those whose words are mis-
represented to gnash their teeth with agony. "Part-
ner in the works" becomes "pauper in the work-
house.—" Attenders at clubs at the West End," men-
tioned in the speech of a Member of Parliament,
appears the next morning a., "Vendors of gloves."--
" What do the Italians want?" cried one impassioned
orator :—" They want to be a nation."---" What do
the Italians want ?" said the report next morning :
"They want to be in Asia."
BEING IrTsKri To IT.—An elderly gentlenrian, travel-
ling in a stage coach, was amused by the constant fire
of words kept up between two ladies. One of them
at last kindly inquired if their conversation did not
make his head ache, when he answered, with a great
deal of naireti, "No, ma'am, I have been married
tioadreigld years."