The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1866-12-29 00:00:00

FUN AND FACETIE.

At an agricultural dinner the following tout vu omen
"The game of fortune—shuttle the cards as you will, spades
will always win.-
" Why la it complimentary to call a man "a son of •
gun?" Because it Is well known that no gun is good for any-
thing unless it descend. in • straight line from a good clock.

-
A gentleman lately heard a man gravely Inform two com-
rades that a 74-pounder is a cannon that sends a pound ball
exactly seventy-four miles.
That wail a good reply of the Roman Mineral Ruins to
the Gant who had sent him a challenge, " If you are tired of
life, you can go and hang yourself.".
- •• • • •

An advocate, blind nt one eye, pleading one day with his
spectacles on, said, "Gentlemen. I shall use nothing but
what Is necemary." "Then,' said his opponent, " take out
one of the glemes of your spectacles"

A witch being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there,
and desired him to give her some drink.—"No, mother,"
said he, "it would do you harm, for the drier you are the
better you will burn "

" Mr Jonts." said Mr. J., with an air of triumph. " don't
you think marriage is a mean of grace ?''—'• Well, tee,"
growled Jones, " I suppose anything is • mean, of grace that
break, down pride and leads to repentance."

" Torn," said a man to his friend a day or two since, "I
think it highly dangerous to keep the hills of small banks on
hand nowadays "—"Tim," said theother, "I nod it far more
difficult than dangerous."

An Irishman, writing from Ohio, says It is the most Urgent
place In the world The first three weeks," he says. " Yon
are boarded gratis, and after that you are charged nothing
at all Come along, and hring the children."

" Oh, neighbour'' exclaimed a woman in • sorrowful tone,
"do you know that your Tom has fallen down, and broken
his neck ":'—" Poor lad " mu the reply, "what • mercy he
has not broken his bones

"Mother," sai ia I itle boy, the other day, why are or
pliant the happiest children on earth ii"—" They are no,. my
child : why 4 , yea set that question ?"—" Because they have
no mothers to spank 'em "

'So you would not take me to be twenty !'' said young
lady to her partner, white dancing the Polka. "what would
you take me for, then !"—" For better, for worse " replied
he.
An Irish dragoon. on hearing that his widowed mother had
been minted since he oluitted Ireland, exclaimed, “Slurther !
I hope she won't have a son milder than me, it she does 1
elm! lose the estate!"
A young gentleman of seventeen. or thereabouta, having
m•O• merman to • lady who had the advantage of him,
slightly in years and greatly In discretion, was wisely and
wittily referred by her to the 2nd Samuel, chap x., vers. 5

A Parlot -in °mut, us conductor, bovine had a day's holiday
Vol ast.-d how he had .pent It 'To amuse myself," he re.
plied, I followed the route of my omnibus."

A coxcomb told • lady that he knew her thought. by her
eyes. "DI you?" said she ; then lam sure you will keep
them a secret, for they are by no means to your advantage.'

A lady was importuning her husbsod for a new silk dress,
without lustre, which she called a (I, al black silk. "can't
afford it," replied her husband groutily, "'end your old
one to the chi, house."
_ . . . . .

An attorney, who wooed a farmer's daughter, having been
rejected. sent In a bill of 931. 13a. 4d. for 275 attendances,
and giving advice on family matter..

A poor man once came to a miser, and said, "I have a
favour to ask." "So have I," said the miser : "grant mine
first, then will I comply with thine " " Agreed." 'My re-
quest is," said the miser, "that you ask me for nothing."
"laps,' amid a little boy, "ought the master to flv me
for what I did not do?"--. Certainly not, my boy," replied
the father "Well," replied the little fellow; "he did to-
day, when I didn't do my sam."

Lord Buckingham was once at a dinner where a Mr. Grub
was requested to sing He begged to be excused, urging tont
he knew not what to sing. " Sing 'l'd be a butterfly,'"
suggested the nobleman.

Ditty Montane eat& "My health la like old lace I patch
It In one place, and It breaks out to another."

A 7,1111. r who lately came from Virginia city stye vegetation
Is so scarce in that region that to mullen stalks and a
bunch of thistles are called a grove !"

A celebrated duchess, on being told that she must be bled
or she would die, as.umed the usaal prerogative of her sex,
and replied, "I won't be bled, and I won't die." And she
didn't

An Irishman, who was bronght upin a police-court charged
with whipping lots scolding wife, claimed that he was guilty
of no offence, and that he was acting in strict accordance
with an ordinance of the Hoard of Health. "sore your
honour," said he to the judge, "I was only a bating a
annee."

The following order. rersatim et ii 1$ esta to have
been received by an undertaker from an affhcted widower:—
"Our—my wife Is fled, and Wants to be hurried to-morro.
At Wunner kink U knows walr to dig the Hole—hi the side
of my too l-ther wives—Let It be deep "
-

" Why do you drive such • pitiful looklrg care.. as that?
Why don't you put a heavier coat of flesh on him, Pat?
"A heavier coat of flesh ! fly the powers, the poor creature
can hardly carry what little there is on him now ."
An Irish gentleman called on an eminent sinoring-niaster
to inquire his term., the muter said that he charged five
dollars for the lint lesson, but only two dollars for as many
as he pleased afterwards "On, bother the first lesson,"
said the applicant, 'fetus' commence at the second !"

" My dear fellow," said a waggbh gentleman to a conceited
friend, •' you have certainly been put to the wrong business."
'• Ido not understand." " You should have been a cooper."
"A c.per !" ejaculated the coxcomb, in I,rror. 'Ye,," said
the wag, drily "a cooper, because you mate suJh • capital
butt'

"You are from the country, are you not, air?" sill a
dandy young bookseller to a homely-dressed Quaker who
had Oven Inns some trouble. "Yes,"' \Veil, here's an
Ems!, on the Rearing ftf Cafree." "That," said Amlnldan, as
he turned to leave the shop, "the. had better present to
thy mother."
•

An eroellent hull la attributed to an Irish coroner, who,
remarking on the recent excemire mortality in hi. county,
Bahl he conld not account for it, hnt it wag a fart that great
numbers of persons had died this year who had not died
but.
- -

It la releted of a certain magistrate living in toe valley of
the Connecticut. who was so fascinated be the aPpear ince
of a pretty Catholic lady witness before his cour , that in-
stead of the Bible, he presented hilt /wee to kiss. fie never
discovered his mistake, till ids wife, wh happened to be
present, gave him a rousing poi on she ear,
"Kitty, where's the frying pan Johnny's got it, cart-
ing me', and oyster shells up the alley, with the cot for
horse." The dear little fellow I what a genius he'll yet
snake: tout go and art it. We're going to have cempaelv,
and must fry some fish for dinner"
h,"lt.r.- When Nut 0
twbeete:::re-w
In
baroaflegihenieendtgp.
drhe: s en: chtheaet otir
reply
ipttphlwye:k w iciog"n,'heta:fl
t:tnt;ree matter for c
s-4171 s.lrf '-'l"hvgeg
" First class in geography, come up,' sold • country school-
,' Master. " bill Toots, what is • cape:." -" A thing that
I mother wears over her should W ers."—" hat's a piths': '—" a
tool used IT carpenters for smoothing off boards."—" What's
• desert I"—" Is's gooseberries after dinner."—" That'll to,
Bill," sold the pedsg vue, "111 give you gooseberries after
school-
"P.ictor," said • s'ck man peevishly to hls physician, "you
have been dosing me and plaguing me this long time, and
It's all of no use do take the matter vigorously In haad
let us go to the root of the evil, net get rid of it allot once!'
"I will do it St one stroke !" replied the doctor, raising his
stick and sm•shing the brandy bottle whica stood on a tile
table near his patient.
A mother admonishing her son (a lad about seven rears o
age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he
could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother,
let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding to-night."

The Mayor of Bridgwater was onestioning the boys at the
Ragged Shod, and he asked them what were the pomps
and vanities of this wicked world. "I know, sir, said a
little fellow,—" the Stator and Corporation going to church,
sir "
Two little fellows, whilst skating recently on a pond In
Massachusetts, fell through the tai. Their fall was observed
by some men on elude, who ran to their assistance and fisted
the lad, from drowning. The eldest was able to walk, hut
the other was nearly exhaustat They were taken to their
mother's house, and as soon as the yeunger brother was re-
stored to speech, the first exclamation he made was, "I
wonder if Bill has saved my skates !"
•• •

An American paper says e have a compositor in this
office the friction of whose movements over the type in his
stick fusee them solid hire stereotype plate The way to
prevent this is to have his cam submerged in water, and the
rapidity of his motions keeps the water boiling sod hob-
bling so that eggs have frequently been boiled in the space
Use. Mee lead from the bottom of his ease to the boiler
in the press-room, and the steno generated hi our fast com-
podtor's mottoes runs the pm...press In lute day he ' set'
so much t3pe that it took all bends, from editor to devil,
two weeks to read the proof, and It wasn't his good day tor
settlng type either."