The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1873-12-27 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

A Missouri orator, bearing the sound of a coming
lon motive, exclaimed, ."Tle the sound of the tread of ages
—the noise of the footfall of destiny?"

krnan in Indiana put one end of a gun barrel in the
Are, and looked down the muzzle to rite whether It wee
loaded. A coroner's Jury deckled that his anipletens were
correct.

Au Illinois_ editor says :—" Trying to do business
without advertising Ls like winking In the dark; you may
know that you are keening up a powerful winking, but no-
body else has any idea of It "

i Nashville reporter having received • bouquet from
• young lady, declares that " the gift was no preconcerted
affair," and that 'the roses are not half as red as those In
the cheeks of she who sent them
An Arkansas paper says :—" We had two great
shocks In Arkadelphia last week, one of which was the em-
panelling, for the tint time, of • negro jury, and the other
an earthquake. The earthquake woo."

A New York editor says that prejudices *genet colour
are very mama', and yet the prettlett girl he ever knew was
Olive Brown.

A new York quack, calling himself Reuben Hill,
reooramends • quack nostrum known as " Dyspeptic
Cordial," which, as he say., cared himself of the rheumatism,
his wife of the sick headache, his daughter of the fever and-
ague, and his mother of • bad cough, besides mending the
collar-stair., and putting the baby to deep f
A Yankte editor thus describes a team cunning
swafwith • lumber waggon The infuriated beasts dashed
madly on, as though rej Acing to the spirit of destruction,
until, coming is contact with the staunch old flog Usti, the
waggon an, upset, when the sagacious &WM& quietly waited
for aftrtuhteel spectators to arrive and reinstate the vehicle
on Its Urea."

A Yankee orator is said to have brought teams to the
eyes of his audience by his 'touching detcrlptloa of the
case of an erring Indiana hen, that had been recently die-
cJvered in the MLA part of a hardware shop, where the mis-
guided fowl had struggled for three weeks vainly Lodes to
hatch out a pair et white porcelain doobkno.di, without
sympathy or sustenance."

A Pennsylvania poet, who wrote, in some tender
lines addressed to hie love, "We will hallow her grave with
oar tears," was surprised at a call from Ilenriettes's brother
next mcroing, armed with • club, ant extended a stirring h.-
'Melon to him to COMO down and have his head Molten,
which he declined. The local paper had made the sine read,
"We will harrow her grave with on steers."

A Nevada mother, thankful for the restoration of a
daughter from the "agar," publishes the fact, and gives the
credit to Jon.,, Bitter,, the cc;,:—" My daughter herah
Any, who, if I do say It, Is the handsomest girl in the Bolt
County, has been troubled with chills and fever for going on
six mouths, anti the doctors could not do her any good. A
bottle I Cue bitter, was not half gone when the chills quit
on her."

A California paper says the Janese will "win
univeraal respect by a sort of heathenish habit they have of
mlnaing their own businiai.

At a young latliee' institute in America the pupils
are pet through a "flomestic course," somewhat in this
style Would you prefer an Iron tomn earthen pot on yo.
kitchen stove?" "flow would yea expend two dollars If
you had a luck husband and sir children too young to
work? ' "how would you make bread ?" One of the
classes last week unanimously answered :—"With dour and
yeast."

An lowa paper Bays that • wan in the Hawkeye
Stet°, who iihd a wife who could do at least her share of
talking, agreed, a few months ago, to give her throe dollan•
week to maintain comparative silence, deducting one cent
for each superfluous word she uttered. She nova owes him
nearly enough to pay the national debt.

An Indian came to a Nevada agent to procure some
whisky for. young warrior who had been bitten by a rattle.
snake. At first, the agent did not mein the story, but the ear.
neatness a the Indian and the urgency of the case overcame
Ida scruple.. Ile asked the Indian 'bow much he wanted 4"
—'' Four quarts," answered the Indian —"Four quarts
repeated the agent, with much surprise ; "as much., that..
—"Yes," replied the Indian, frowning as savagely as though
about Co wageS war of extermination on the woole snake
ti "Four quarts—make very big."
The latest feminine justification for homicide comes
from New Orleans, where lira and Miss Ingraham are ex-
cused for 'hooting at one John Kaiser in the open street on
the ground that he had committed a "breach of etiquette."
An American paper, describing a funeral procession,
said :—" Ine procession was ve:y tine, and nearly two miles
is length, as was also the prayer of Dr. Perry, the chaplain.
A witness in a Indiana court being interrogated as to
his knowledge of tt e defendant in the case, said he knew him
intimately ; "he had supAd with him, sailed with him, ;Lad
horse-whipped hint?

11 A Yankee reporter is terrifically "graphic" in de
seribirg a recent collision of railroad train. In Missouri
ilesr tam The two &glues rutted at each other like
ruelttru and ears g it monotere, grappled with • tremendous
crash, reared from the track In • mortal wrestle, and fell into
helpless an disjointed fragment, on the ground."
A Yankee, describing a lean opponent, says :—" I
tell you what, sir, that man don't amount boa sum in arith-
metic ; add hint up, and there's nothing I. carry."
The following purports to be a model medical puff :
" Dear Doctor,—/ shall be one hundred and seventy-live
years old next October. For over eighty-four ,ears I had
been an invalid, unable to step except when moved with •
lever. But • year ago I heard of your Oranicular Syrup. I
bought a bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I
can now run twelve miles and &half an hour, and throw
thirteen summersaults without stopping."
Somebody says editors are poor, whereupon a
Yankee paper says:—" Humbug. Here we are, editor of a
country newspaper, fairly rolling in wealth. We have • good
Mace, a paste pot, r double-barelled gun, two suits of clothes,
three kittens, a Newfoundland pup, two watches, tures day
and two night shirts, carpet• on the floors, &pretty wife, have
ninety cents in nigh, are out of debt, and have no rich re-
latives, 11 we are not wealthy, It is • pity."