The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-07-01 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

A PROUD DAY FOR MACAULAY.—Perhaps the
proudest event of Macaulay's life happened when he
went to the Zoological Gardens to see th e hippopotamus.
Two damsels were just about to pass the crowded door-
way when Macaulay was pointed out to them. "Mr.
Macaulay I" cried the lovely pair. "Is that Mr.
Macaulay? Never mind the hippopotamus !" And,
in spite of the fact that they had paid a shilling eaoh
to see Behemoth, they left him to look at the historian.
This tale was told him by Thackeray, who swore that
he was an ear and eye witness to the incident. "I can
wish for nothing more on earth," writes Macaulay,
"now that Madame Tussaud, in whose pantheon
once hoped for a place, is dead."
"YOUNG AmEnice."—The following advertis?ment
is by a modest specimen of "Young America" :
"'Wanted—Situation, by a strong, active American
Youth of seventeen, with plenty of muscle, vim, and
health. Not afraid to knuckle down to bard work of
any kind; is well educated, and has a good knowledge
of Latin. Ambition highly developed, and brains to
back it. Penetration sharp as the business end of a
hornet, and cheek bigger than either. Lawyer's office
preferred. Highest and beat of city references. Any-
one in search of such a bonanza will strike oil—a
regulating spouting well—by addressing " Scamander,"
D. A. Office.

LISPING --A country fellow who lisped, having
bought some pigs, asked a neighbour for the use of a
pen for a few days. Said he, "I have jutht been pur-
chathin thome thwine--two thowth and pigth. I want
to put them in your pen till I can get a place for
them."—" Two thousand pigs!" exclaimed the neigh-
bour ; "why my pen will hardly hold a dozen."—
"You don't understand me, Mr. Bent. I don't they
two thouthand pigths, but two tbowth and pigth."—
"I hear you," said Mr. Bent; "two thousand pigs.
Why you mast b 3 crazy."—" I tell you again," ex-
claimed the man, angrily, "I mean not two thouthand
pigth, but two thowth and two pigth."—" Oh, that is
what you mean, eh? Well, the pen is at your ser-
vice."

GENTLE HINT.—A bashful youth was paying his
addresses to a gay lass of the country, who had long
despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called
one day when she was alone at home. After settling
the merits of the weather, miss said, looking slyly into
his face, "I dreamed of you last night."—" Did you?
Why, now."—" Yes, I dreamed you kissed me I"Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?"
—" Oh, I dreamed she wasn't at home." A light
dawned on youth's intellect, and directly something
was heard to smack.

WHIM IS WHICH ?—The mother of two sons, twins,
met one of the brothers in a field one morning. "Which
of you two boys am I speaking to ? " asked the mother.
"is it you or your brother ?" "Why ?" inquired the
lad, prudently. " )3:Amuse, if it is your brother I will
box his ears." "It is not my brother ; it is I."
"Then your brother is wearing your coat, for yours
had a hole in it." "No mother, I am wearing my
own coat." "Bless me !" cried the mother, looking
at him intently, "You are your brother after all I "
HOSPITALITY.—The late Dr. Thynne, so well known
for his love of good eating, called one day to pay a
visit to the eccentric Lord It—. He was shown into
the dining-room, where he found his lordship alone,
and engaged in the discussion of an exquisite little
dinner. After talking for some time, "My lord," said
the doctor (excited by the agreeable odour), "I think
it would be no great stretch of hospitality were your
lordship to say, 'Doctor, pray do as I am doing.' "
" Well, doctor," said his lordship, "pray do as I am
doing—go home and eat your own dinner."
A YANKEE OOTDONE.—A Yankee and Frenchman
owned a pig in co partnership. When the killing time
came, they wished to divide the carcass. The Yankee
was anxious to divide so that he should get both hind
quarters, and persuaded the Frenchman that the
proper way to divide was, to cut it across the back.
The Frenchman agreed to it on condition that the
Yankee would turn his back and take choice of the
pieces after it was cut in two. The Yankee turned
his back and the Frenchman asked :—" Vich piece
vill you have: Z 3 piece wid ze tail on him, or za piece
vat aint got no tail on him ?"—" The piece with the
tail 1" shouted the Yankee instantly.—" Den by gar
you take him and I take ze oder," said the French-
man. Upon turning, the Yankee found that the
Frenchman had cut off the tail, and stuck it in the
pig's mouth.

A PUZZLED JUSTICE.—A man named Josh was
brought before a country squire for stealing a hog, and
three witnesses being examined swore they saw him
steal it. A wag having volunteered as counsel for
Josh, knowing the scope of the squire's brain, arose
and addressed him as f nllows :—" May it please your
honour, I can Establish this man's honesty beyond the
shadow of a doubt;' for I have twelve witnesses ready
to swear that they did not see him steal it." The squire
rested his head for a few moments upon his hand, as if
In deep thought, and with great dignity arose, and
brushing back his hair, said—" If there are twelve who
did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I dis-
charge the prisoner."

DRAWING THE PAIN.—A tall Yankee, standing six
feet t:iree inches in his stockings, was suddenly at-
tacktd with symptoms of a fever. Having a violent
pain in his head, his wife, to afford him relief, was
about to apply poultices to his feet, when be asked,
"What are you putting them on my feet for ?"
"Why," says she, "to try and draw the pain
out of your head."—" Oh, indeed!" says he; "I
would rather it would stay where it is then be drawn
the whole length of me."
A DAMPER —A young gentleman lately olunteered
his services to escort a young lady home from a party.
)L1 the way he cudgelled his brain for some interesting
topic of conversation to amuse her with; he could hit
upon nothing until they met. teveral cows, when the
swain said, with much simplicity of manner, "Now,
isn't it strange what a motherly appearance a cow
has?" To which the young lady replied, "I do not
think it strange at all, sir, that a cow should have a
motherly appearance to a calf." The beau was silent
during the rest of the walk.
'ON DRINKING WATER.—The safest plan where water
is bad is undoubtedly never to drink any unfiltered or
unboiled water at all. This was old Peter MacFarlaae's
plan ;—When old Peter lay a-dying, and the doctor
told him, in answer to his anxious query, that his com-
plaint was water on the eiest—" Dinna joke wi' a
dyin' man, doctor," was Peter's reply. "it may be
whuskey, but it canna be water. I havens drank a
drap o' water for fifty years.' Sandy AlTash was
another canny Scot. He lived on the banks of a very
polluted stream, and used the water too. "Bit, man,
doctor," he explained to me, " I never tak' a drink
without first taking the precaution to put a cinder
in' &" Sandy's cinder, of course, meant a drop of some-
thing strong.

OLD BARTEY AND Ms EXCIISE.—OId Bartey Wil-
lard was a wheelwright by track!, and, though an ex-
llent workman, was remarkable for procrastination.
He would pr:lni,:e over and over again, with as little
scruple. wed as many "positively lasts" as a theatrical
star. Having pkdged his word to a very urgent ens.
tomer, for the third time, that he would have his cart
d rue by a certain day, Bartey again failed to keep his
engagement, and, on the arrival of the owner, the cart
was still unfinished. "Well," said the customer,
"you have got my cart done this time, of course ?"
"Yes," said Bartey, "I have done ths work, and sup-
posed it was quite ready for you, when I discovered
that I had made an unaccountable mistake, that will
put me back for a fortnight." " Ah, indeed," said ths
customer, " what's the trouble?" " Wiry, you see,"
said Bartey, with gravity, and an air of extreme vexa-
tion—"you see I have made a mistake—l never made
such a blunder in my life—have committed the ridicu-
lous mistake of making both wheels for the sake side,
they are both off wheels 1" "Is it possible 7' said the
customer, who was thoroughly mystified, and FO
allowed Bartey another fortnight to &wiz OR (104

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