The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1883-12-29 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

A five-year-old, who went to school for the first
time, came home at noon and said to his mother:
"Mamma, I don't think that teacher knows much."
"Why not, my dear?" "Why, she kept asking
questinng all the time, She asked where the Missis-
sippi River was."

Said an American chairman to the rural member,
"The gentleman is out of order." "Out of order, am
I? " indignantly replied the member. "Old boss, if
you'll ju,t come to the back of the building, I'll con-
vince you that I am in as good order as any man in
the State! Come on, old man !"
"Is he honest? " inquire i a Philadelphia banker of
a friend who recmmended a man for janitor.
" Honest?" he echoed. "Well, I don't know what
you call it; he returned a borrowed umbrella to Me
)esterday." The man was engaged as cashier.
Talk about the unwinking vigilance of our press
A man is just reported to have died in Akron, ()Woe
at the age of 109 years, and the paper that chronicles
the sad event fails to tell us whether the centenarian
used tobace,o since he was six years old, or whether het,
never used the pernicious weed at all,
"Johnny," saki the teacher, "a lie can be a,..lted ag
well as told. Now, if your father were to put sand in
his sugar and sell it he would be acting a lie and
doing very wrong." "That's what mother told him,"
said Johnny, impetuously, "and he said he didn't
care ,

A stuttering clerk, in a town store, tackled the
telephone the other day. He rung up " Central " and
began to talk as follows :—"H-h-10-h-hel-hel-bello,
C-c.c.c central! Ker-ker-ker-can yer-yer-you ger-ger-
ger-ger. give "m.m.m.m.m—" Here the voice of the
Central office man interrupted the struggle with :
" For goodness sake stop that chattering and put on
your overcoat, if you re cold."
As an old woman was lately walking through one of
the streets of Ned' York at midnight, a policeman
called out, Who's there ?" "It is I, policeman,"
said she, "don't be afraid."
In a recent trial before a coloured jury in Texas,
twelve gentlemen were told by the judge to retire and
"find a verdict." They went to the jury-room. The
sheriffs and others standing outside heard the opening
and shutting of doors and other sounds of unusual com-
motion. At last the jury came back into the court,
when the foreman rose and said, "Massa Judge, we
have done looked everywhar—in the drawers and
behind the do'—and can't found no verdic'. It warn't
in de room."
The manufacture of paper from wood has reached
the altitude of perfection in Canada. A tree is cut
down and shoved into one end of the mill, and five
minutes later there is a neighbour at the other end to
borrow the paper.
"Is this my train?" asked a traveller at the Kansas
Vacific depot of a lounger. "I don't know, but I
guess not," was the doubtful reply. "I see it's got
the name of a railroad company on the side, and I
expect it belongs to them. Have you lost a train any.
?"

A sarcastic Georgia editor, in noticing a fair which
recently came off in Macon, says :—" One of our
contemporaries took a very valuable premium, but a
meddlesome and firm policeman made him put it
right back where he took it from."
"Mr. Pluff," said a gentleman to a farmer to whom
he wished to introduce a doctor, allow me to present
to you Mr. Pilbox, a pharmacist, who is looking for
a location to settle down in." "A pharmacist, did you
say? " asked the farmer. "Well, I have plenty of
farm assistance at present, but if he will come round
during corn-husking time he can settle down to work in
my cornfield."
A young miss of sixteen asks what is the proper
thing for her to do when she is serenaded by a party of
gentlemen at a late hour. We are glad to be able to
answer this question. Steal softly downstairs and
untie the dog.

"Marriage with the tinge of romanoe !" is what
they call it in Kansas when the old man rides after the
couple, and shoots the hat off the bridegroom's head
with an army carbine.

"I'd never call a boy of mine Alias," said Dirt.
Jones, of Huntsville, Alabama, "if I had a hundred
to name. Men by that name is alus cattin' up capers.
Here's Alias Thompson, Alias Williams, Alias the
Nighthawk—all took up for stealin'."