The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1879-12-27 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

AN AUTHOR.—A young scapegrace, who had seen
out a fortune and fallen into bad habits, took up his resi-
dence in a country village, pretending to be an author. AS
his address was good, and marks of personal beauty re-
mained, many a romantic vdlage-maid sighed over the
"cruel fate of genius." Sighs would not pay his landlord's
bill; and when a month had expired, he was dunned in
good earnest. At length the landlord told him he never
saw any of his productiens, and wished to know what work
he had been the author of. Being thus pushed he replied,
" Wby, er, I call myself an author, and so I am—the
author of my own misfortunes."

WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT ! —Mon ge, the celetmated
French mathematician, after his return from the campaign
In Egypt with the great Napoleon, invited various officers of
high rank, among whom was General Augereau, to dine
with him, and to be present afterwards at the opening of a
box containing a mummy which dated from the time of
Sesostrts. Augereau could scarcely restrain his impatience
to see the mummy, and during the whole of dinner-time he
could hardly be prevented from leaving the table to go and
have a look at the curiosity. At last tbey,left the table and
passed to the savant's study, where a coffin covered with
hieroglyphics lay upon a table. Nionge vainly endeavoured
to explain the meaning of these symbolical inscriptions to
his guests. " Open It!" cried Augureau, with feverish im-
patience. " Mske haste!.' Slonge raised the lid of the
coffin, when the spectators saw before them the mortal re-
mains of an Egyptian who had probably been present at the
construction of the Pyramids. "You wished to see the
mummy," said Alonge, turning to Augereau, "I hope you
are satisfied." The latter, dumb with astonishment, opened
his eyes to their widest extent, and at last muttered in an
anxious voice, "But—the mummy is dead ! " His fellow
guests exploded with laughter, at which Aneereau was of
course highly indignant. He never forgave Monge for not
having shown him a live mummy.
DR. PARR —HIS PARISHIONERS AND HIS PIPE.
The doctor was very fond of his choir, and always encouraged
them to sing a long hymn or anthem before the sermon,
during which be used to steal into the vestry and smoke his
pipe. When they had done, tie clerk informed him; and if
the doctor had not finished, he would say, "John, tell them
to sing the last two verses over again—my people love sing-
ing, and I love smoking."
A DETERMINED MAN.—An Ohio paper tells a story
of a well known character, who frequently figured on juries
in ore of the principal cities in that state. Where on a jury,
as soon as they had retired to their room to dellbarate, he
would button up his coat and "turn in" on a bench,
exclaiming, "Gentlemen, I'm for bringing in a verdict for
the plaintiff (or defendant, as he had settled in his mind),
and all creation can't move me. Therefore, as soon as )ou
have all agreed with me, wake me up, and we'll go in."

A SHARP Docrort.— An English gentleman, travel.
ling in Morocco, once fell from his horse and injured his
thumb. The pain increasivg, he was obliged to send tor a
a surgeon. One day the d )ctor WAS unable to visit his
patient, and there fore sent hie sou instead. "Have you
visited tbe Englishman 1" said ,the father in the evening.—
"Ys," replied the young man, "and I have drawn out a
thorn which I ascertained ro be the chief cause of his agony."
—" Fool ?" exclaimed the father. "I trusted you had more
sense; now there is an end to the job I"

A THOUGHTFUL CHILD.—Cooke, the tragerlian, was
In the habit of giving passes for the theatre to a widow lady,
who WAS once sictiwg in the pit, with her little girl, when
their friend, the performer, was about to be stabbed by his
st3ge rival. Roused by the supposed imminence of his danger,
the girl started up, exclaiming, "Oh, don't kill him i—don't
kill him; for, it you do, he won't give us any more pit
orders."

DON QUIXOTE A PIRATE.—" Abuee not him in
word," raps 12,Du Quixote to Sancho, "whom you are re-
solved to chastise in deed." This aphorism is clearly stolen
by the Don from the antediluvian story of the negro sailor
who, being strapped up for the lath, cut short a prelitory
homily of the captain by saying, "If you preachee, preachee;
or it you 11 iggee, fIL ggee ; but don't both preachee and
fioggae, tool"

AN AWKWARD " AFFAIR."—A story is told that
two Sweaisu officers having asked King Gustavus's permis-
sion to light a duel, be consented; and having intimated to
them his intention of witnessing the combat, at the ap-
pointed hour appeared on the ground. Theo, turning to
the ()ethers who were about to engage, he said, "Now, gen-
tlemen, fight—fight till one of you tall. And I have brought
the provost marshal with me to behead the survivor."

NOT GUILTY,—A New York lawyer, who always
made its puint to win his case, was applied to by a man who
had stolen some pork, to dtfend him. Accordingly, in his
usual inventive way, he rained the principal evidence on
which the plaintiff relied, and the jury brought in a verdict
of not guilty. After the verdict was declared, as the fellow
was leaving the court, he whispered to his attornay, thus
quire, what shall I do with the pork, for L have got it
yet?'—"Eat it," replied the lawyer, "for the jury say you
did not steal it."

A COXCOMB PIINISHED.—AIfonso Lombardi, a
celebrated tcul:otor of the time of Charles V. was a great
coxcomb. Ile was once punished by a lady of Bologna, to
whom he took it into his head to make love in a foppish
manner. She was his partner at a ball, in the midst of
which he turned to her, and heaving a profound sigh, said,
as he looked her in the face with what he thought ineffable
sweetness in his eyes, and we may suppose some fantastic
and writhlnz gesture, "If it is not love I feel, pray, what
is it 7"—" Perhaps," said the young lady, "something bites
you."

A NAME.—A laughable circumstance or ca took
place upon a trial in Lancashire, where a Mr. Wood was
examined as a witness. Upon giving his name—Ottiwell
Wood—the judge, addressing the reverend person. said—
" Pray, Mr. Wood, how do you spell your name ? " The
old gentleman replied—"o double T,—l doable U,—E.
double L,—Double U,—Double 0 D." Upon which the
astonished lawgiver laid down his pen, saying it was the most
extraordinary name he had ever met with in his life, and
after two or three attempts declared he was unable to record
It.

PULL TOGETHER.—" I have somewhere read," says
the Rev. Dr. Wise, in his "Bridal Greetings," "of a bride-
groom who gloried in his eccentricities. He requested his
bride to accompany him into the garden a day or two after
the mall, g lie then threw a line over the roof of their
cottage. Giving his wife one end of it, he retreated to the
other aide, and exclaimed: 'Pull the line!' She pulled it,
at his request, as far as she could. He cried : 'Pull it
over!' I can't I ' she replied. 'Pall with alt your might!'
shouted the whimsical husband. But in vain were all the
efforts of the bride to pull over the line, so long as the hue-
bard held on to the tpposite end. But when he came round,
and they both pulled at one eLd, it came over with great
ease. There,' said he, as the line fell from the roof, you
see how hard and ineffectual was our labour when we pulled
in opposition to each other but how easy and pleasant it is
when we both pull together! If we oppose each other, it will
be hard work; act together, it will be pleasant to live
Let us therefore always pull together!
WILKES AND SIR WILLIAM STAINES.—Sir William
Staines, by persevering steadily in the permit of one object,
accumulated an immense fortune, and rose progressively
from the dignity of Common Council-man to the Slate coach
and Lord Mayor of London. His first entrance into Me was as
a CoMMOU bricklayer. At one of the Old Bailey dinners, his
lordship, after a sumptuous repast on turbot and venison,
was eating an immense quantity of batter with his cheese.
"Why, brother," said Wilkes, "you lay it on with a
trowel."

AN EXAMPLE OF PERSEVERANCE. —The Chinese
have a capital idustration of the power of perseverance.
One of their countrymen who had been making strenuous
efforts to acquire literary information, discouraged by
difficulties, at last gave up his book in despair. As he re-
turned to manual employment he saw a woman rubbing a
crowbar on a stone; on inquiring the reason, she replied bile
was in want of a needle, and thought she world rub down
the crowbar till she got it small enough. The patience of
the aged female provoked bias to make another trial, and
he succeeded in obtaining the rank of one of the first three
in the empire.

A PRODIGY OF LEARNING.—" Sammy, dear, hold
up your head and tell the gentleman how much twice nine
makes." "lon ! " 0, tie ! guess again." "Eleven I "
"No." "Twelve !" " No." " ThirteeL! " "No.,' " Four-
teen !" "N o" "Fifteen ! " " No." " Sixteen ! ' "No."
"Seventeen," "NI)." " Elghteen I" "Right! mother's
own darling. That boy, Winking, will make a figure in
the world."

A. SIMPLE EXPEDIENT.—Sir Water Scott, walking
one day along the banks o Ithe Yarrow, where Mango Park
was born, saw the traveller throwing stones into the water,
and anxiously watching the bubbles that succeeded. Scott
inquired the object of his occupation. "I was thinking,"
answered Park, 'how often I had thus tried to soiliad the
rivers iu Africa, by calculating how long a time had elapsed
before the bubble arose to the surface." It was a slight
circumstance, but the traveller's safety frequently depended
upon it.
FREDERICK THE GREAT'S OPINION OF COUNTS —The
following is a translation of a letter from Frederick the
Great of Prussia to Count Schnlemburg, at Magdeburg, June,
1783 I have seen, by your memorial of the 22nd of this
mouth, your very humblo supplication for your son ; but it is
necessary to tell you that I have for some time since ordtred
that no count shall be received in my army, for when they
have served one or two years they go home, and are but
nincompoops If your son is willing to serve his title of
count will avail him nothing. He will not gel on any the
faster for that, if he does not learn his profession thoroughly.
I am, your affectionate king, FREDERICK —l' S. Y/..ung
counts who learn nothing are dolts all over the world. It,
by a miracle, a count makes himself useful, you must not
imagine that he is indebted to his title and his birth; for
this would he stupid toomfoelery inference—he owes it to
his merit alone."

A VERY CROOKED RlVER.—Speaking of the Rio
Grande, an American writer says :—" Imagine one of the
crookedest things in the world, then imagine one twice as
crooked, and imagine to yourself a large river three times as
crooked as all these put together, and you have a faint idea
of the crooked disposition of this crwlied river. There is no
drift wood in it, from the fact that it is so crooked that-
timber cannot find its way far down enough to lodge two sticks
together; but few snakes, because it is not straight enough
to swim in ; and the fish are all in whirlpools in the bends,
because they cannot find their way out. Birds frequently
attempt to fly across the river, but alight on the same side
they start from—being deceived by the crook. Indeed, )on
may be deceived when you think )on see across it; and some
people say it is so twisting there is but one side to it."

A NOBLE REPLY.—It was a beautiful reply that was
glven by a great lady, being asked where her husband was
when he lay c nacealed for having been deeply concerned in
a conspiracy, resolutely answered that she had hid him.
This confession drew her before the King (Charles II), who
told her that nothing but her discovering where her lord
was could save her from the torture. "And that will do ? "
said the lady. "Yes," replied the King, "I'll give her my
word for it.' "Then," said she "I have him hid la my
beau; there, and there alone, you'll find him."
TIT FOR TAT. —A lady and gentleman, residents of
a town in Illinois, were engaged to be married. Whiii the
time f the union arrived, however, the fair one proved
false, and ref u•ed to fa flt her part of the obligation. Some
trme after the engagement was renewed, and the lady was
promising herself the bliss of a bride, and the time was for
tbe twain to necome one flesh, and the church the place of
the ceremony. After strvice in the morning, nvire than
fifty persons waited to witness the scene, and the clergyman
was at tho altar, when the man, quietly remarked to the
lady, "Before, when I wanted to get married, you sacked
me' and now you want to get married, and I do the same,"
and left the church to the no small amazement of all parties,
and the great disappointment of the spectatars present—to
say nothing of the lady.
KEAN'S VERSATILITY OF GENIUS.—Lord Brougham
has related several stories of Kean (the elder), amongst
others the following ;—Some one made Kean a present of a
fine horse on which he was prancing along the Strand.
" Take care," said a friend L"you are a good actor,
but—"—" But what 1" asked Kean, "you don't know that
I was paid thirty pounds far breaking three horses last year
at Brlghton."—Another time a friend, hearing he was about
to give readings of Milton between the acts, at Duty-lane,
said, "Keen, stick to Shakespeare, don't meddle with
Milton "—" Why not ?" irked Kean; "I gave readings
from Milton three times a week at Exmouth ! "—As a proof
of the universality of his genius, it was mentioned that
he had been a fencing•maater and a daucing-master, and at
Jersey had announced that he should quit the stage and set
up a school. He told Mr. Sheridan that when a child be had
boon applied to in order to bring him out as a rival to
Mester Betty; bat that Sheridan interposed, saying, "No !
one bubble at a time in enough; if you have two, they will
knock against each other and burst."
PRESENCE OF MIND.—A workman at a lunatic
asylum left a chisel, more than three feet long, in one
of the wards. A furious patient seized it, and threatened to
kill with it any one who approached him. At length the
attendant opened the door, and, balancing the key of the
ward on his hand, walked slowly towards the dangerous
Madman, looking intently at it. " His attention," said the
attenuant, "was immediately attracted. He came towards
me, and asked : 'What are you doing with that ? "I'm
trying to balance this key on my hand,' said I, 'and I
can do it • but you cannot balance that chisel in that way
on the back of your heed." Yes, I Can ! said he and he
immediately placed it on the back of his hand, balancing it
carefully, and extending it towards me. I took It off very
quietly, and without making any comment upon it. He
seemed a little chagrined at having lost his weapon, but
he latda 110 aUsmpt to regain it, and fn a short time all Int-
tauen passed away,"

CASTLES IN THE AIR.—A story is told of a footman
to a lady of rank, in the days when State lotteries were in
fashion, who disposed of all his savings in order to purchase
two lottery tickets. So sure was he of success that he drew
up the foil iwing plan of the manner in which he intended
to spend the flve-thousand-pound prize—" Al soon as I have
received the money I will marry Grace Towers; but as she
has been cross and coy, I will use her as a servant. Eval,
morning she shall get me a mug of strong befer. with a toast,
nutmeg and sugar it; then I will sleep till ten, after which
I will have a large sack posset. MY dinner shall be on table
by one, and never without a good pudding. I will have a
stock of wine and brandy laid in. About live in the after-
noon I will have tarts and jellies, and a gallon bowl of
punch at ten: a hot supper of two dishes If lamin a
good humour and Grace behaves herself, she shall sit down
with 1119. To bed about twelve." This worthy fellow's
ideal of comfort was not destined to be fulfilled. Fortune
proved tickle, and his castle of cards fell to pieces.
A DUTCH JUSTICE —An old Dutch Canadian farmer,
just arrived at the dignify of justice of the peace, had his
drat marriage case. He dished it up in this way : Ile first
said to his man "Yell, you wants to be marrit, do you?
Yell, you loves die woman so gout as any woman you have
ever see ? "—" Yes," answered the man.—Then to the
woman "Yell, do you love this man so better as no man
you never see?" The lady hesitated, and he repewed
" Veil, veil, do you like him so well as to be his vife ?"--
"Oh, certainly," she answered with a kind of titter —"Yell,
dat is ail any reasonable man can expect. So you are marrit ;
I pronounce you man and wife." The man than asked the
justice what wee to pay. "Oh, nothing at all, nothing at
all; you are welcome Co It, if it will do you any goot."
COUNSEL'S OrmoN.—A Californian barrister, noted
for absence of mind, was once witnessing the representation
of "Macbeth ;" and the witches replying to the Tnane's in-
quiry, that they were "doing a deed without a name;"
catching the sound of the words, he started-up, exclaiming,
to the astvishment of the audience, "A deed without a
name! Why it's void; it's not worth a sixpence."

"WILL You GO WEST, MARY ? "—Not very far
from New York lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown and
Tom Hail. Both were very fond of dropping in at Mr.
Smith's of an evening, and spending an hour or two with his
only daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown and Miss
Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly,
and with his sweetest tones, struck out as follows :—" Do you
think, Mary, you could leave your father and mother, your
pleasant home here, with all its ease and comforts, and go to
the far West with a young lawyer, who has but little besides
his profession to depend upon, and with him find out a new
home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify and
make delightful and happy, like this?"—Dropping her head
softly on his shoulder, she answered, "I think I could,
Archy.''—" Well," said he, in a changed tone, and straighten-
ing himself up, "there's Tom Hall. who's going West, and
wants to get a wife. I'll just ta,utiou it to him!"