The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1878-05-28 00:00:00

ACT U.

• •
Scrim —A London --• ••urt. A build'''. T"lnner
I. borne into Court upon an invalid chair by two
P •Ilcatnen, and tenderly deposited in the dock.
Iltawri-a or Woeen I charge this lad with
refusing to perform his allot•ed tarkwork. He was set
to break two bushels of stones, awl when his time was
up hadn't broken a single tme.
I PRIIIONCR'AS.T.TCtTL Your w rship, the pris •ner
is utterly incat.oldo 4 performing any lalwoir what-
ever. He ham .tilderd.y lost t use .4 both arms—a
complaint to which he is frequently eubjec*. (4nse-
Goo.) He coal not now drive a tindack into a soft
deal board, much less break a Piece if gnu"; with,a
heavy hammer. I have medical testimony to this tact.
(Medical evidence is put in, and the Prison.'" 'iren-Till
Is tested with a teadip.ii and an empty egg-shell,
which he completely fails to crack.)
MAGI,TKATI (compaadonately) Why, the poor boy
6 utterly powerle•a. (To the Womuilou,s MAFTLP,
sternly.) Take him back. sir, to the Union, and treat
him kindly ; anti dont% bring him here vain on such
• charge, or you may have to stand' in hi* place, sir.
(Fitisogrdt thank • his worship. and make@ futile
attempts to raise his hand to his forehead to touch his
hair. A policeman pull. it Inc him, and he is carried
away.)
Scans ll.—The same Court, a few boors later. The
same peiaoiter is brought in. fastened down on a
stretcher. The WORILIC,Ust: PUltTell, whore eyes
are both blackened and woe completely fla.tenen,
cherges him with a violent auti unprovoked assault.
SIAOILSTILATIL (indignantly). Why, this 6 the .3MO
boy that was here this morning, who it was proved
could not break an egg-shell wish a teaspoon. it is
perfectly ptepoetenots to pretend that he could have
committed an assault like this. ( l'o the Paositctreoit,
severely.) You are clearly under some mistake as to
the party who ass iulted you, if you are not under the
iitfiuence of drink. Go away, sir, and don't come here
again vith such a tale, mole,' you went to be committed
foe perjury. [Curtain.
A GuOD story is being told at his own expense by •
celebrated old Up stormy oar and well known London
athlete. He RAS making his way the other day along
the Thames towing path, with three companions,
when they were overtaken by a sudden thunderstorm
and drenche•l to the skin. Making their way to a
small riverside inn, they ordered the best cheer the
house c 'old afford, Imm-dint. 6i liquor, and a large
fire in the parlour. Hound the fire they gathered to
dry themselves as best they could. Now, in the tap-
room immediately adjoining, were a couple of
bargemen, ale . wet, who, observing the fire, resolved
to intrude themselves on the society of their betters
and enjoy it. As the two stranger- entered the room
it four occupsnts crowded round the fire, and shut
them out. Four to two is long on& ; but tbe bigger
of he two loargemen could not find it in his heart to
Iwithdraw without at least a" display of moral force."
Walking up to the circles of sitters, he noisily
expectorated over their heads upon the flames.
" When swells is about, Bill." he observed to his
colleague' "it ain't perlite to spit on the floor." The
leader of the hostile forces foreseeing that • bold front
warn the •tnly way to prevent a disturbance, turned
round in his treat eon oeketi, " Where may you come
from, my fine fellow!" " Hell" was the uncouo•
promising answer. This of course was the retort
eourteous, to which came in reply the quip modest.
"And what's the last thing there in good manners r
" -me a. yere," was the bargeman's reply churlish.
I "The swells are keeping all the fire to their blooming
selves." Beyond tido point the narrative runneth
not

Once CPON a time, in a Suffolk village, Bill and
Jane, George and Martha—if those were not their
names they might have been—went to the parish
church on a Monday morning to get married eler,ey-
man and clerk were reedy to the appointed Is .ur, and
the wedding service went on satisfactorily till the
clergyman, joining the hands of the first conj•leas they
stood where the clerk had bidden them, began, " I,
William, take thee, Mortha." "No, sir," interrupted
William, "mine is Jane." "It's tc e, sir, for George,"
said Martha. The clerk affirmed that his sorting was
tight and that Bill and Martha, George and Jane, had
to be respectitely joined in holy matrimony. The
c.e.urittl!aeopinae padtesgteolw;
ithneedcl.ergdy.taren th
moot beeirk.
ee
new "asking. in church," with the right names
c'mpled, before the inarri.ges could take place. So
the disappointed bridegroom. and tildes withdrew to
the churchyard and the clergyman went to the vestry
to take off his surplice. But, behold, before the
clergyman had had ti ne to go away, there were the
brides and bridegrooms at the vestry door. " Please,
would he be so good no .0 marry them the way the
benne were r They had talked It over together. they
explained, and they had settled it would dc jttst as
well that way. They were all friends, and came from
the same hamlet ; each young man could do equally
well with either young woman, each young woman
could do equally well with ieth..r young men ; they
had oome a long way and hail had to get a holiday on
purpose and they did not want to have all the I rouble
over again. 'I hey should be just aa happy with the
exchange they unanimously :soured their pastor. So
he i.ut on his surplice again and went on at "I.
tVlllleua taks thee, Martha." And, true enough, the
exchange did just as well.