The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1878-08-27 00:00:00

MORE QUEER QUERIES.
BY 01:111 OWN QUM ONIL

Can seeing which way the wind blows be prererly
called rant look?

Would it be quite correct to call a greedy man a
ghost because you saw him a—goblin ?
Can you be said to be over head and ears in debt
because you haslet paid your hatter?
lilt really right to assume that neat spirits frequently
drive people into untidy habits'
Do you know that, although a shoemaker finishes
his shoe at the beginning he always beOna at the last
Does it always follow that, when a bachelor thinks
of marriage, be sere the Union before him'
Is a greengrocer properly described when you call
him a "confiding tradesman r
Can an old maid's boots be properly called mis(s)-
understandings?
How, in Goodnese's name, is it possible for you to
pick your teeth when you have to take them as they
come?

THE PENNY WEDDING.
TEI lIAJOIt COM= ROMS LATIUM/.

The midnight hour has chimed. The stars are dotted
o'er the deep blue canopy of heaven. The silvery
moon is shedding its gentle lustre upon the Battle of
Bosworth Field-road, and I (Major Penny), mated
upon a stone in front of my own semi-detached villa
residence, am regarding the same with feelings in my
breast wherein morrow gets the upper hand of anger, to
give place In its turn to almost bitter irony as it finds
vent in words:— _ . . .

as I stretch forth my hand in the
direction of the dwelling above alluded to, " What
have Ito do with this? Is it worthy of me? No!"
Then I laugh, a hollow, mirthless laugh that Ii had
to hear, and snap my fingers at the habitation afore-
said.
" What," I continue, in a tone of withering scorn,
" what indeed?"
No ! useless striving to disguise the fact any
longer. I have this evening arrived at the conclusion,
and reluctantly has that conclusion been arrived at,
that a more extended sphere of action is necessary for
the development of faculties nurtured by the cannon's
roar upon the ensanguined field!
I will not say that the management even of such a
household as that which consists of myself, Dirs.
Penny, and the girl, Clarissa, .lee not at times call
forth on a minor scale qualities eimilar to those
exercised upon the field in question while the cannons
were on the roar.
" Yet, still, Major Penny, sir," I cannot resist from
exclaiming, " yet, still, is this all that we have
expected of you, whose early years of promise were
the talk al—were, in fact, very frequently mentioned
by your own mother? No, once more, and still mare
em_phatically, no!
It may possibly have been observed by those who
have taken the heads of festive boards, and regulated
the pushing around of the bowl, that episodes of un•
wonted eloquence hap; en later on—too late rather for
them to be of any use. At the present moment
CiC3fo I may be pardoned a cant phrase of the (lay)
would hardly " be in it" with the hero of this nar-
rative, .

" Major Penny, sir," I naturally exclaim, "Now or
'
never is the time to rise, and, if poosible. Malor.
Penny, air, be equal to the hic—l mean co—only it
wasn't 'ock, It wee B and See—and B and 8 is foolish
when overdone. Yet this is trifling I A trap to
ribaldry. Where's the latch-key ?"

• •
It is really most extraordinary, when you come to
think of it, that the fact that I hitherto have not been
In the habit of carrying a latch-key has actually
slimed my memory, and I am only recalled to a
full sense of the situation by Clarissa, the girl, jerking
the street-door open whilst I ago making sure, with one
hand, where the keyhole is. Fortunately, I am
searching on the opposite aids of the door to that on
which the keyhole exists, so I don't go in with much
of a run when the door opens.
Clarissa observes, " hibrus was very tired, sir, and
she's gone to bed, and would you like any supper,
she sayer
It may not have struck evmbody, yet, still, it may
poblv be allowed by some, aat when the vocalist is
sudwiy called avow by the madden for his tipple. G.

thee, ass re* be has It bawdy. °ailed apes mow he
simple) monosyllable, with a choice between the
negative and affirmative. i oddly enough mow to me
to require a moment or two to decide which monosyl-
lable to the safest to venture on. Meanwhile Clarisea
adds, Or would you like any more to &MI% sir r
• •

" Atothick more drink"

Thank goodness". Claris* has retired, heathy as it
seemed to me, and sun kitting on akind of bench
arrangement in the hall witt my hat on my head, my
right boot and nmbnlll in my right hand, and the
candlestick in the left, wondering what on earth I am
to do to gilt off my left boot with my hands so full.

I am upstairs in the dressing-room. Bo are InX boota!
my hat, and my umbrella and the candle Yid
candlestick (the extinguisher fell about somewhere
and wouldn't be found).