The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1869-09-07 00:00:00

illiscellatuous.

THE Wait name for matrimouy is " cornmiting
twoicida"
A refill) at • Pinch—One who abuse his snulYbox
with you.
Low NOTI4/6 - Naturally It Joe'; it t, not blindfold
Ilk e Justice.
WHAT i. the difference between • " tea-fight" and •
coffee-mill?
WHY are old maids the most charming of people?
Because they are matchlea.
Muer young men are so indifferent that they cannot
keep anythig bat late bourn.
IDnumut is hard work for those who are Dot need to
it, and doll work for those who are.
TH4 man to prevent the exhaustion of our coal-
fields—One who can make hur shaving-kettle boil with
raga
Joey Lice Hon— Old (Singleton say that be only
knows of one thing better than • wedding present—•
wedding absent.
"MARRIAGE," said an unfortunate husband, " the
churchyard of love." "And you men," replied his wife,
"are the gravediggers."
A warrens paper sayethat a fellow in that locality
is riding a bog through the streets ea • preparatory
practice to manage a velocipede.
Tug chief difference between • hone and &velocipede
has been diacovered to be the eau with which the latter
Iles down.
A young lady of Montgomery. Alabama, we' recently
caught smoking a cigar, when rh• gave as • reason
" that it smelt as If there was amen about."
A GCNT wants a situation where Lhe only heavy thing
Is his salary. He is willing :to chapeau with any
amount of work if this can be guaranteed.
"LCAVIR TOII MY FRIEND." said a tipsy fellow, cling-
ing to a lamp-post on a dark night, "leave you in a
condition not to take care of yourself ;. (hie) never."
VACCINATION.— "I don't believe it's any use, this
vaccination." said a Yankee. "I had a child vacci-
nated, and he fell out of • window • week arter, aud
got killed."
A WOMAN being enjoined to try the effects of kind-
ness on her husband, being told it would "heap coals
on his bead," replied, "I have tried boiling water, but
it don't do a bit of good."
Joan BILLINGS mays, "When a young man ain't
good for anything else. I like tew see him carry a gold-
beaded cane. If he can't boy a cane let him part his

hairi
n the middle,
A HAN who was once one journey said he never
liked to one the tables covered with book, and now,
PaPer. wham, be stopped at night, "foe." ..14 ae, " I
can darer find any whisky at such plains"
Ty in altogether too absurd to say that "Man is not
perfect." Who is there that has not met with "perfect
strangers," some who were "perfect rascals," and not
clew who were " perfect 1001 a."
BEAM NO OILIACT.—A strong-minded woman was
beard to rem•rk the other day that she would marry a
man who bad plenty of money, though be was so ugly
she had to serum every time she looked at him.
AN Irish counsel being questioned by a judge, to
know "for whom he we. coneerned," replied follows :
"lam concerned, HIT lord, for the plaintiff, but lam
employed for the defendant."
As Irish juror having applied to tbe judge to be ex-
awed from serving on account of deafness, the judge
sail; "Could you hear my charge to the jury, sir?"
"Ye., I heard your honour'. charge," said Paddy, "but
I couldn't make any sense out of it." He was let off.
A CLARGYMAN, who was consoling • young widow on
the death of her husband, spoke in • very serious tone,
remarking that he we. one of the few—ouch a jewel of
• Cbriatian—you cannot find his equal, you well know.
To which she sobbing replied, with an almost broken '
heart, "I'll bet I will."
Fuoui ONK Ala° ALL—A wife in San Francisco lately
put a petition for divorce in the court, on the ground
that her husband was a " confounded feel" The court
wouldn't admit her plea, becaue almost every mended
man would be liable to the same iinputation.
"As to being conflicted with the gout," said Mrs.
Partington, "high living dosen't bring it on. It is
incoherent in some families, and is handed down from
father to eon. Mr. Hammer, poor soul, who has been
so long ill with It, disinherits it front bin wife's grand-
mother,"
A HULL THAT OCOHT TO WORK BOTH WATR.—" I
wish you would not give ins such abort weight for any
money," said • customer to a grocer. who had an out-
standing bill against him. "Anil I web you wouldn't
give me such lone wait for mine," replied the grocer.
WHIRR MIT Wing.—" Whet would our wives say
if they knew where we are?" said the capten of a
schooner, when they were beating aboct in • thick foe,
toilful of going aahore.—" Humph, I shouldn't mind
that," replied the mate, "if we only knew where we were
ourselves."
ONLT T*o FAULTIL—A horse-dealer, who lately
effected a sale, was offered • bottle of ji,rt to rionfese
the animal's Trilings. The bottle was drunk, and then
he 'aid the horse had but two faults. When turned
loose in the field he was "bad to catch." and he we. of
"no use when lie we. caught."
A SMOKING bishop dined with Admiral Farregut
once erect a Cute, and after the desert tendered a bunch
of Havana' to the sailor, with the invitation, " Hare a
cigar, admiral?" "No, bishop," said the admiral,
with a quizzical glazier, "I don't smoke—l swear a
little sornetimes !"
AN 1.• PRZACHAR.—A little girl was very fond
of preaching to her dolls. Her mother beard her one
day reproving one for being wicked. "Oh, you
naughty, sinful child 1" she said, shaking the waxen
limbs, "you will just go to that lake of brimstone and
treacle, and you won't born up—you'll just frizzle !"
SPIRITS C. WATKR.—The "ohleat Inhabitant" has
been reading a eeri,s of artieles on the adulteratMa of
liquors, and has arrived at • somewhat singular conclu-
sion. The analysis of those liquors showed an average
of about 611 parte of water to 11l of spirita—" They don't
give the spirits a fair ehanee." said the aged bacchanal;
"they'll keep on fooling with water till it depopulates
the earth again."
MILITANT LOGlC.—Afloer a battle the officer appointed
to bury the dead threw the wounded along with them
into the hole, on which a bystander asked him bow he
could be so cruel as to confound all together. Ile
replied, "If one we. to attend to what they said, there
we. not a dead man amongst them."
A MARCHANT on his death bed sent for • Free Church
OIeTATIRIVO. Having some fears regarding his future
Prospect, he asked the reverend gentleman, "Do you
think if I were to leave rlO,OOO to the Free Kirk th it
my soul would be mved?" " Well," answered the
cautious minister, "I coaldn't just promise you that,
but I think the experiment worth trying,"

-
ANOrtint NEW ENGLAND THAGLDY.—There Wu one
tragedy in Salem. Massechucettc. which Mr. Longfellow.
neglected to notice in his recent poems. A headstone in
a churohyart in that city tells the whole story in
two lines, as follows :
" th 1.-werinferran thix marble +lab
ht.r tiosr John, who thod "(eating crab..

AN illiterate negro preacher said to hie congregation:
" My bredren, when de fust man Adam was made, be
was oh wet clay, and set op agin de palling' to dry."
"Do you say," said one of the congregation."dot Adam
was made oh wet clay an' set up thin de palings to
dry?' "Yes, nor, I do." "Who tirade de *ling" ?"
" Sit down, note," said the preacher sternly, "such
questions as dal would upset any system of theology."
HIV. Moen CLAMPIT, en ementric preacher, was
holding forth at Banta Clan Valley; • young man rose
to go out, when the preacher said, "Young man, if
' you'd rather go to bell than hear me preach you may."
no sinner stopped and nlfected a moment, and then
saying, respectfully, "Well, I believe I would,"
went on.

IV A 1011110• —no editor of the Omithisusa
(Kentucky) News, in making an appeal to his subecribers
who ate in arrears to pay up, says : "We hope they
will settle without delay. Not that we want the
money. Oh, no I Our ink is given to us, we steal our
paper, and we win our printer's wages at sevain.up. So
It met vu nothing to carry on business. Nevertheless,
as a matter of accommodation, and to sass their son.
sciences, we will take what they owe us. If they will
send it immedistely."—Astreiran Paper.

PURrnos COMITSHIP.—Of all women she in most to
be pitied who hu • slow-paced suitor; he is wore than
a retrograding one. How admirable, how prompt, how
psefsealy satisfactory. was the conduct of the Puritan,
who rode up to the door of the house where dwelt the
girl of his choice, and, having desired her to be called
out to him, said, without circumlocution, "Rachel, the
Lord bath sent me to marry thee!" when the girl an-
swered, with equal promptitude end devotedness, "The
Lord's will be done r
RICKOSING HIM lje.—A western engineer tells the
following story about himself :—" Once the train
stopped to wood and water at • small station in Indiana.
While this operation was going on I observed two
green looking countrymen in 'homespun' curiously in.
'peeing the locomotive, and occasionally giving vent to
expremions of astonishment. Finally one of them
looked ni,to me and said, Stranger, are this • loonino-
CU-stoical, Didn't you ow.. Iwo oneirellore
"No, haven't never saw one afore. Ifts'en Bill acme
down to tho station to-night purpose to see one.
Them's the biler, a:n't it Yes, certainly.' —'What
yer call that you're In I"—' We cell this the cab—' And
this big wheel T—' That's the driving wheel.'—
'That big thing on the top is the chimbley, I suppose?
Precieelv.'—' Be you the engineer wot runs the
machine r—' I am the engineer.'—' said the
fellow to his mate, after cloying me for a few
minute., 'it don't don't take mush of a man to be an
engineer, do It""
bum Arivaca, father of John Quincey Adams, says:
"When I was ahoy I had to study the Latin grammar ;
but it was dull and [bated it. My father was anxious
to send me to college, and therefore I studied the
grammar till I coal stand it no longer; and going to
my father I told him I did not like study, and asked
for some other employment It was opposing his wishes,
and he was quickie his mower. Well, John,' said he,
'lf Latin grammar does sot gait you, you may try
ditching—perhaps that will. My meadow yonder needs
a ditch, and you ashy put by Latin, and dig.' This
seemed • delightful change, and to the meadow I wens,
but soon found ditching harder than Latin, and the
first forenoon was the longest I ever experienced. That
day I ate the broad of labour, and glad was I when
night came on. That night I made some comparison
between Latin grammar and ditching, but "id not a
word about it. I dug the next forenoon, and wanted to
return to Latin at dinner-time ; but It was humiliating,
and I could not dolt. At night toil conquered pride,
an I told my father—one of the severest trials of my
life—that if he shoes! would go back to Latin grammar.
Ile was glad of it 'and if I have since gained any dis-
tinction, it has been owing to my two days'
labour in that abranusable ditch."

LUXURIANT AND BEAUTIFUL, HAI I.—llrA S. A. Allen's
World's Heir Restorer or Dressing never fails to quit sly
restore gray or retied hair to its youthful oolour sad
beauty, and with the lint application a bandit al ,
fragrance is giver to the hair. It stops the hair from
falling off; it prevents beldame : it promotes luxuriant
growth; it GUMMI the heir to grow thick and strong;
, It removes all dandruff; it contains neither oil nor dye.
In larg bottles, prise al.x shillinp. Zylobalsemam
(Hrs. M. A. Allen's) (sr mods any pomade or heir oil.
To those whose hair Is naturally :dry, requiring frequent
deeming, its cheapness and great value will be proved.
Its early use on Anther's hair will insure an abundant
and bountiful supply from youth to ma age. In large
bottles, prior three shillings. Mold by most chemists
and parlament. Depot, Wd, High Holborn Loulun.

AN 11mer3cen wabohmaker has Made • awe di•
orrery that the balance wheel in Beady every erMeh
if made of steal, converted into • thallffe•••
Cerruti M• 01.1, the released Fenian, who weal to
New York, has killed himself by leaping from_„___l6
attle
window. He had previously iamon, BPDP'"'
of
insanity.
Tea Hon. Mrs. Henry Ward has met • sudden and
frightful death M Parsonstown. Irel•ed- Withher
husband, the Hon. Captain Ward, erfd the II". ""'"""
and Clare Parsons, she had goes out for a trip on a
road locomotive steam engine. As it was trusting •
•here cornet', a stool on which Mrs. Ward was Finding
IC front of the engine slipped ; she fell off, and one of
the hoary wheels passed over her head, crushing her
face and dislocating her Deck. Death was almost
iustantaneons.
Tdi S' efliel.l Cutler's feast took plass oe Thursday
evening. and amongst the guests were Mr. Roebuck, the
Marquis of Hartington, Mr. Mandel* and other
members of Parliament. Mr. Roebuck was on this
occasion entrusted with the toast of the army and
navy, and he highly eulogised both earriess. When
they considered the great benefit the army and navy had
conferred on the country, he regarded it as Pitif9l
economy to pinch and mike miserable the men who
oommeed these services. Honey could not be better
spent, he said, than in making them le•PPys comfortable,
and isontented in their condition.
A remarkable Fenian funeral has taken place in
Dublin. The remains of John Dalton, • blacksmith,
who had been in prison as a Fenian were conveyed to
Glunevin cemetery by • procession of about two
hundred men, walking in array. Beall wore • green
necktie, and some bad green leaves in their hatbands.
One hundred vehicles followed, containing women and
children decorated in green. meny carrying brenehes of
leureL At the graveyard the reels fell on their knees
unanimously, and prayers were Add, but not by s clergy-
man. The crowd then visited the memorial mosses*:
the Manchester martyrs."
JUDon LYNCH IN Srali.—The journals of Barcelona
relate all extraordinay tragedy in the environs of that
city. A thief a few days back attempted to steal a
watch from a gentlemen at the station of Oranollera,
but was detected by the latter, who arreeteci him. A
third person came forward, and on being informed of the
incident drew out • poignerd, and, stabbing the culprit
in the breast, killed him on the wet. This barbarous
act excited the greatest indignation, and the police had
great difficulty in protecting the murderer from the
crowd and lodging him in prison. The mob, however,
broke into the gaol, and, obtaining posecuiion of the
individual, killed him in the streets. He is said to belong
to • highly reepectable family of Madrid.
• Polito/Le Patilelt.—Mis Chaos the Archbishop of
Cluilerbary be. Seen to ftpsengfield, ebent eight miles
from Dover, to ezeinine personally into the sthte of thy
parish. The population, as:morales to the Clergy List
of 1869, is 418. The pathway leading to the church wall
found overgrown with mom and weeds; In the chancel
were to be seen many excellent specimens of torn: the
oomentinion table was partially overgrown with fungi,
he.; and the whole fabric in • sadly dilapidated state.
Tile one service on Sunday has been performed by a
clergyman coming front a diatanee. The value of the
living is PH a year, and there taco house of residence.
Schoolchildren there are none, the schoolroom being
occupied by • policeman.
Crimea CIIICUMEITANCI/L—An incident of a some-
what startling character occurred on Mondey evening in
the late passenger train marked to arrive at Cork shortly
after eight p.m. In one of the compartments of •
second.olaits earriage, which was telly occupied, • man of
wild upset, and in appearance like an American, delibos
rarely opened his trevelling.bag, and, 'akin/ out •
razor. announeed that be was about to cut his throat, as
he should die whim begot to Cork. The others paean-
gers endeavoured to reason with him, but the man
became more excited, and at length said • proheaional
astrologer (doubtlem one of those quacks whose
advertisements make so prominent a figure in American
newspapers) had foretold that a visit to Cork would be
feta to him, and niool9 then he could not resist the
impulse to visit it. Here the man removed his neck.
h, but, one of his fellow-traeellers seising his wrist,
the Razor wee wrenched from hi. grasp. Ultimately he
tits use perfectly collected, and before parting at Cork
thanked his felloweravellere for baying prevented him
from the commission of an insane act —Cork Exassistr.
dits•ULYING • CHILD--A man known its Professor
Risley, the proprietor of the Japenese troupe of
minstrel& was on Wednesday brought up in oust° ly at