The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1862-12-30 00:00:00

PUNCH'S ALMANAC.

Xt. Philosopher Puna has ens* more given the.
public the results of his cogitations upon the calendar.
Being the most popular philosopher of the day the
almanac which bears his honoured name, as might be
expected, is the meet popular of the almanacs." Moors"
is nothing to "Punch,' and Moore, we hardly say, is
not to be sneezed at at an almanac nicker; and the
"Punch's Almanac," for the coming year will bear
favourable comparison, both aa regard its literary and
artistic contents, with its illustrious predecessors. We
offer the following extracts as samples in proof of what
what have just said, so far as the literary portion ofthe
work is concerned :
AN ANT/THESIS OF Evu.s.—Mity clam and weak
ale.

Why is a bray like a Ohriffitmas-box ? Because the
party who gives it is an ass.
To ANY ONE FOND OF GOOD SUPPERB.—Bsoome
policeman.
MT LETTER CARRIERS. —Avoid Slang. Yet FM.
may say that General Postmen "cut like beans"—
because they am Scarlet Runners.
DOUBLE-FACED.—Madame Rachel, the fashionable
enamellist, is now known by the name of a favotuita
character of her celebrated namesake—Lecouvente.
A SERIOUS FACT.—A preacher of total abstinence
gravely delivered the following observation from hia
platform :—" Gin is a snare."
THE QUICKEST WAY OF LEARNING FRENCH.—Turn,
English Dramatic Author.
OUTIING OBSERVATIONS. —Why is a biting jest like
stale proverb? Because an old saw must have teeth.
CON BY A POOR OROSSING SWEEPER.—Why is • bireb-
broom like a weeping willow; Because it's a thing aa
(s)weeps.
LIVING LIEN A eRINCE.—A certain rich noblemen,.
who keeps • trench cook, is accustomed to call his
chief " Minister of the Interior."
"OH ! HORRIBLE, MOST HORRIBLL!"—Of what Gene.
rat are you reminded by seeing • stable full of horsea.
eating hay? Why of General Hay-gnaw to be acre!
A MODERN OR ACLE.--" As regards diet, how about
malt liquor?" was the question put to the mesmeric
somnambulist practising medicine in the state of clair-
voyance The reply of the Seer was "No beer but
ALL-SOP."

OBSZRVATIONS ON GROUND BAlT.—Boys are often_
taught, though they never learn to regard fishing as a
cruel amusement., when nevertheless, angling, at least
as most commonly practised in the Thames, is univer-
sally admitted to be particularly and pre-eminently the
gentle craft.

A SMALL CABS Of WIEDIJOB.
WO/11611 sews, and the Mall reaps the advantage of it
Vows, like waistcoat-strings, are frequently broken,
whemthey bind a person too tightly.
When you find your property (but mind not your per-
son) is running to waste, then only it is justifisble to
pull in.
Man without s button is hopelessly adrift, sot less so
than a ship without its needle.

ANSWERS TO CONUNDRUM.

(The questions, 17,;.so—me—S'aciien-s,-1;;;;Voi;ei occureseite us.)
1. Because he's a Dick Tatur.
2. When he says Gee•hoss-amfat.
3. Because it is in-farmhouse.
4. The one is a chin chil), the other a chin chiller.
5. Victor You-go.
6. Because it is en airey-olight.
7. A weeping Will (oh?)
8. Because it is the Olmar-knack.
sloon's ALMANAC 708 1863.

Smoky house,
Red deer frisky,
No Grouse,
And big-still whisky!
NIIIISZET -RHYME.
There wee a young lady of Stroud,
Whose yoiee was so awfully loud,
When she went for a walk,
They forbad her to tallc,
Pot fear of attracting a crowd.
PEOPLIWZ IMPAIR OF MISTING.

A musicsi critic tilati will mill a rots. a VOLOO, and
not puzzle simple peoplwtsjf *ming it an organ.
A greengrocer out wilting whose gloves are not too
long for him, or a haircutter who can hold his tongne
while he is operating.

•
A LOVE SONG BY A LUNATIC.
There's not a spider in the sky,
There's not a glowworm in the sea,
There's not a crab that soars on high
But bids medream, dear maid, of thee..
When watery Phmbus ploughs the main.
When fiery Luna gilds the lea,
As files run up the vs indew pane,
So fly my thoughts, dear love, to thee r
LINES ON AUTUMN.
IT • WIWI..
Convotvcrlus arsenals now,
. . .

—Andafl the
And, sweet Nymphal, aati., thou
Dost feel the frost thy sells Invade.

The Anthuxanthutn's pollen falls.
Though the Libellula are dead;
Sad Nectersuis leaves the walls,
Hypericum deserts the bed.
No more, Oh Psmdflora,
_rise
Thy radii Isguminots ;
But Callum pretense dies,
And Hyacinthus tnaeriptus.

A TRIBUTE TO DETOZ.—At the monastery at
Manaida, Mr. Paton received a kind of complimentary
dinner from the community. After dinner, a monk
called for &bumper, and began, in a solemn, matter-ol-
fact way, the following speech :—" The greatest tra-
veller of your country, that we know of, was the
wonderful navigator, Robinson Crime, of York, who,
poor man, met with a great many difficulties; but at
lengths, by the blessing of God, he was restored
to his native country, his family, and his friende."
RAILWAY TRAINS—At all hours of the day and
night, in all direationo, and at all points, the railway
continues its wonderful and incessant labours. Thus.
last year, 1,902,069 passenger trains, travelling
44,594,359 miles, and 1,222,6/7 goods trains, travelling
42,973,849 miles, were run in England and Wales;
275,825 passenger trains, travelling 5,044,655 miles.
imd- 276,152 goods trains, travelling 6,558 777 miles,
were run in Bcotland ; and 174,445 passenger trains,
travelling 4,416,462 miles, and 30,882 goods trains,
(ravelling 1,553,08 miles, were run in Ireland. We
, thus arrive at the amazing aggregate of 105,141,440
miles as the railway work of the British islands for
twelve months. Astronomical calculations indicate
that the earth is 95,000,000 miles from the sun, and
the unwearied locomotives accomplished this burnoose
distant* with an odd 10,000,000 miles to spare.
they, it would appear that they traversed nearly three
and a-half miles in every second which elapsed during
the year! This 'prodigious activity was not, however,
attained without a great effort, and taking every item
of working expensed into moomit, it appeard that
every mile traversed involved an outlay of 2e. 74CL
LONG winter evening rendered cheerful by a bright
and powerful light, by the WM of the PATILVT CIZRLINR
On and LAMPS. By the nse of this Oil, which has
just been introduced, • brilliant light can be obtained
at a coot not exeeeding that of • tallow candle ; the
houses of the people may receive a new *Unction by
the introduction of such a light. Being free from any
disagreeable odour, it is imitable' alike for the Mansion
and the Cottage. R is warranted non-explosive and
therefore perfectly safe in use. The Oil will burn in
Caroline Lamp or in any Paraffin or Hydro-Carbon
Lamp. Agents for its solemn being appointed through-
out the Kingdom, by Messrs. CASSELL, Idaimi I Co.,
80, Fenchureh-street, London.

BOLLOWAT'II Ourrmairr Awn Pitta.—Lnmbatro, rheumatism'
Tic-doloreux, all excrutiating pahis of the muecles and ners es
are relieved with astonishing rapidity by the use of this es.
traordinary Ointment. The affected parts previously fomented
with wino water, have only to be briskly rubbed with. this
soothing unguent to obtain instant ease. The Pills much
waist in bansihing the tendency to 'rheumatism and
*en] disorders, Whilst the Ointment cures the leciti aliment.
The Pills remove the constitutional dieturbance, and ungulate
every impaired audio. of every organ throngpt the human
body. The cure to neither temporary nor sn but per
and complete, And the disease rare y rectos; eo per-
fect has been the purification performed by thews erarching
yet harmless prepnrationa.