The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1878-12-28 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

An Illinois editor, summing up the virtues of a soap-
boiler, lately deceased, concluded his eulogy with the usual
phrase of "peace to his ashes I" The remark gave great
offence to the family of the dead man, ,mie of whom tilreat-
ened the editor with personal violence.
An editor down South has been puffing up his well
water. He says: 'O, such water ! Cooler than the breath
of spring, clearer than crystal, pure as woman's heart, and
sparkling as champagne." After going on in this strain for
some time, he descends, however, from the highfalutin to
the prosaic, when he remarks—" It is excellent to boil
potatoes in.'
"So you're going to Alaska, are you, young man?
said an old fur-hunter to a Philadelphia youth; adding,
"You last be careful how you bill the wife of a native of ttiat
country, for no one was ever known to be let off from such
an aceident for less than ten woollen blankets to the bereaved
husband, and five to the Governor."

Josh Billings saya,—"l don't believe in bad luck
being set for a man like a trap; but I have known lots of
folks who, if there was any lint rate bad luck lying around
loose, Wbuld be sure to get one foot into it anyhow 1"
The codfish is the fruit of the ocean, which accounts
for their being seacalt. They are good eatii,g for a wet day;
they are better than an umbrella to keep a man dry. They
want a deal of freshening before they are eaten, and want
freshening a good deal sfterwards. If I can have plenty of
codfish for breakfast I can generally manage to make the
other two meals out of cold water.—Josh
To those who have popped the question in vain, the
following may be a useful hint. "Well, Harry, how did you
come to get married? "You see," he replied, "after I'd
vainly tried several girls that I wanted, I turned my atten-
tion to one that wanted me."

Josh Billings says: "If you have the misfortune 'to
let the eat out of the bag," never try to stuff her back again;
It's a mistake; you only make—inevitably make—matters
forty times. worse."

A pupil recently revised an old saying found in his
grammar, as follows—" It is better to give than to receive—
s thrashing."
A timid Bostonian has married a lady whose weight
verges closely upou 2to pounds. "My dear," says he to her,
"shall I h!lp you over the fenca " "No," says she to him,
• help the fence.

There is a man in York so mean that he buttons his
shirt with wafers. He is the same old gentleman who looks
at his money through a magnifying glass. By this means, he
says, a sixpence looks as good as half-a-crown.

- - -
"I have the best wife in the world," said a long-
suffering husbond in Ohio; "she always strikes me with the
soft end of the broom."

"A live Yankee" being awakened by the captain of
a steani-boa., with the announcement that he "mustn't
occupy his berth with his boots on," replied, " Oh I the bugs
Won't hurt 'ern much, I guess; they are an old pa:r—let 'eat
rip I"
An editor of lowa has been fined two hundred and
fifty dollars for hugging a girl in meeting. "Cheap enough!"
says anothbr of the fraternity. "We once hugged a girl in
meeting, and it has cost a thousand a yearever since."
The American It Ichefoucauld has, in the course of
his life's experience, noted these three facts : That content-
ment is just as good as money, and it's just as scarce; thA
there is only one thing that is more wearying and depressing
to a man than having to wait for a train, and that is when
the train has waited for him; that the highest educe tion o
women Is learning how to walk in boots with six-inch heels.
Indians never kiss each other, and, having seen a
few Indians, we can't blame them.

"Satan died here," reads a Pittsburgh sign • but it
was not tilt an astute Allegheny Dutchman inquired when
he died there, that the people understood .that they could
get satin dyed.

A Japanese husband, it is said, can get a divorce if
his wife disobeys his mother. A good many married men
in this country are calling tho attention of their mothers-in-
law to ihla fact in tha hona that aa_eing tha eatimation in
which the relation is held there, they may be induced to
emigrate.
"How Jonah Lost his Umbrella "was the title of
of a sermon which drew to a Newport (R. I.) church many
people who never suspected that the preacher referred to
the prophet's glurd.

A Carseia City Justice of the Peace asks the bride-
groom in a deep bass voice, "Do you, sir, as a citizen of
Nevada aud a lawful voter of Reno, solemnly declare that
you wilt forsake all other evils and cleave only to this one?"
-

The Westward Ho gives this little hit of backwood
gossip between parent and child. "Is the howling of a dog
always followed by a death?' a.lied a little girl of her father.
"Not always, my dear; sometimes the man that shoots at
the dog misses him," was the parent's reply.

Twenty•one young nine of Kenosha, Wisconsin,
have "Resolved, that if the young men won't come aud
see us, we will go sari see them." And the young men are
stepping down and out, and taking to the woods.