The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1871-12-23 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

A Missouri lady advertises for a person who is in the
habit of serenading her to stand nearer the house, no that
she eau scold

During the recent sessions at Wakefield, a witness
was asked if he was not a husbandnmn, when he hesitated
for a moment, and thun coolly replied, amid the laughter of
the court, "No. l'se not married. '
A lady in Pittsburg complaints that the first year of
her married life her husband called her .my dear," the second
"Mrs. A.," and the third year" old sorrel top," %hick was
too much for her to bear.

Thirty-seven enthusiastic members o a branch of
the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals made
one horse Itraw them last Week to a concert.

Saginaw county rather prides itself on corpulent in-
fants. The latest arrival kicks the beam at eighteen p.mods,
and when he inquires for the paragon.. during the lone
watches of the night, he can be heard with great distinet,
ness at a distance of two miles.

A street ear dummy has been tried in Detroit. The
ear is so arranged that the engine consumes its own smoke
and steam, and mot.ea along the street noiselessly and
smoothly. The cost of running it is four-fifths leas than by
horse-power, line dollar per day alit keel, it in fuel, and
two men can run it. It is so arranged that the engine only
occupies surplus room under the floor of the car, it being
somewhat higher than ordinary can.
This epitaph is found in a western churchyard
Here lies the Mother of children five ;
Two are dead and three are alive,
. .

....„
The' two that are dead preferring rather
To die with the mother than live with the Father."
Marriage ceremony as too often performed :—Clergy-
man (to lady Wilt thou take this noble mansion carriages-
jewels-selt-wheeling-Bathehair-ituinels-pillows-und-all-appli-
anees-for-the.gout to be thy wedded husband ?" " I will.
Clergyman (to gentleman): " Wilt thou take this bale-,f-
cotton -11uscolite chignon - Grecian - bend- and. high - heeled-
shoes to be thy wedded wife?" 'twill.'

A correspondent, who skng himself Lockjaw, com-
plains a the new worth Latitndinarianises, and says he
thought the ne ph ultra f verl•al length was reached when
the lemons lines were written--

Vontarl nil suitor 4 'onstautinopolitanl
lnumerabilibus sobeitudinibus.
Mom! The Education lb cird's beadle will net you and
semi you to school if he has a chance of finding you in the
streets. Why Ole of the Board's earliest scholars recently
signed himself, "Yours thelemically, pantaguelistioally,
awl pautisocraticully."

A farmer who went to Texas to buy a farm was
greatly prejudiced against the country he thought to settle
In, from the fact that a doct, whom he called to attend him
win ii he was seized with a fever began trying on his clothes
Minoan:it-1y after writing a presciiption. The fact that
while the 11,11. t ~r ISMS trying on his coat the chambermaid
was lxiiiliiltillg his handkerchiefs, and the porter was 4mg-
glint with his hoots, lent wings to his imagination, awl
doul'Aleas had an influence in regard to his speedy exit from
the state.

"Whar," asked a renowned stmnp orator, who WM
trying for the office of constable, "whar," my enlightened
friends of the Guth District. was Andrew Jackson in
the Battle of New Orleans t Wm he thin ? lie wur. lie
wur titling up and down on a bobtail Arabian, a warm' of a
crooked saber, and up to his armpits in 1114.011 Rini mud, a
givin• the British thunder ; the genius of bin, country a
hohlin• of her fedi over his head, cotton hales pseeneering
In front t. 3 protect him from danger, anti? the American
eagle, with the stais and istrlpes is his beak, isorin• aloft in
the blue empyrean, crying "Hail Columbiar : •

SPUTTERINGS FROM "JUDY'S" PEN.
11w to they weigh eels with scales when *els hare no
scales ?
AN Auctioneer'. Motto—Buy and buy.
Irmo:, don't," said the pickpocket who was being run
What is bigger than the biggest nutmeg I—A nutmeg
grater.
THE Proper Place for Spinsters—lsle of Man.
QICERE.-11uw many angles can you gut out of a circular
pond T
RELIEF for the Unemployed—Work.
Ism? 'SING Figures Cooked accounts.

I r you would punish a garrotter, is net his beck always
a.waleable t
CON. lon CHRISTMAS-TIME. Do young ladles eonsider
being kissed under the mistletoe a enpilia offend.?
STRANGE, 11E1 Tuut:.—latd will contain only forty-six
weeks, for the other six will be L,-of.
(lIEITMSS Pt-sem—To make one Nettie take six tumblers.
WHAT is the plural of penny -Twopence.
WHEN is a sleepy man like a little doe—When lie'. >lay-
piny.
THE End of the World—To make money.
TUE First Foot Ouarda—The first boots,
WHAT is to be t—Why, acerb.
CHRISTMAS WAITS - Mate ? Serve him right.
CHRISTMAS-BOXES-Look oil for jour nose, then, this
festive season.
ONE Cliristmus Entertainment which is sure to go—The
dinner.
THE Way to treat a loon in Possession—Pay him out.
CINIISTMAS trees are generally poplar. —Judy.