The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1855-10-16 00:00:00

SUPPLEMENT TO THE LIVERPOOL STANDARD.

142

agility when in a state of nature. The larger are ones
eaten by all the inhabitants of Central America.
Monkey-meat is rather lean, but it is tender and well-
flavoured, and prejudice alone can rebel against it.—
Fraser's Magazine for October.
A SERIOUS TRUTH.—A labourer's daughter, who
had been in service from her childhood, when weary,
would be frequently wishing to be married, that, as
she emphatically termed it, she might rest her bones.
Hymen at last listened to her prayers, and a neigh-
bouring clodhopper led her to the altar, nothing loath.
Some time afterwards, her late mistress meeting her,
asked her, " Well, Mary, have you rested your bones
yet ?" "Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, " I
have rested my jaw-bones.'
AN AMERICAN CORN REPORT.---There is such an
abundance of corn in the country, that the farmers
give the squirrels and crows the full liberty of their
fields. The old fox squirrel that last year lay on the
fence of Martin Frazier 's field and wept, is now sitting
on an ear of corn with his tail curled over his back,
chattering the liveliest song that ever squirrel uttered.
Such times as these cheer the heart of man and beast.
Young men, young girls, get married now. You sin
in avoiding the duty which all things around you point
out you should perform. Let not another day pass
over your heads without having " the thing fixed."---
Arkansas Independent.
A POST-OFFICE ROMANCE.---A young, and, of
course, beautiful lady, wrote a letter from (we will say
Brighton) to her lover, Mr. Arthur Trevor, an officer
at Balaklava. She signed it, as romantically prudent
young ladies do, with her Christian name only.--
" Ida." No answer came for a long while. At length
the porter brought a letter directed " Mrs. Arthur
Trevor." The young lady concluded that he had
married some supplanter of her affections. Opening
the letter there was her letter returned by the Post-
Office authorities. She had not placed enough stamps
to cover the postage, and the postmaster considered
that such an affectionate strain could only have pro-
ceeded from the wife of the gentleman addressed.
AN ANECDOTE OF CERVANTES.--Miehael Cervantes
Saavedra, the author of " Don Quixote," once gave -a
proof that his generosity was equal to his genius. He
was, in the early part of his life, for some time a slave
in Algiers ; and there he concerted a plan to free him-
self and thirteen fellow-sufferers. One of them traitor-
ously betrayed the design, and they were all conveyed
to the Dey of Algiers, and he promised them their
lives on condition that they discovered the contriver
of the plot. I was that person, " exclaimed the in-
trepid Cervantes ; save my companions, and let me
perish." The Dey, struck with his noble confession,
spared his life, allowed him to be ransomed, and per-
mitted him to depart home. This writer of an incom-
parable romance, replete with character, incident,
pleasantry, and humour, without any alloy of vulgarity,
obscenity, or irreligion, which is held in admiration
throughout the civilised world, starved in the midst
of a high reputation, and died in penury.
AN OLD MAN'S SECRET.—An Italian bishop strug-
gled through great difficulties without repining, and
met with much opposition without betraying the least
impatience. An intimate friend asked him if he could
communicate his secret of being always easy. " Yes,
I can teach my secret with great facility ; it consists
of nothing more than making a right use of my eyes."
His friend begged him to explain himself. " Most
willingly," returned the bishop. " In whatever state I
am, I first of all look up to heaven, and remember that my
principal business is to get there. I then look down
on the earth, and call to mind how small a space I
shall occupy in it when I come to be interred. I then
look abroad on the world, and observe what multitudes
there are in all respects more unhappy than myself.
Thus I learn where true happiness is placed ; where
all our cares must end ; and how little reason I have
to repine or complain."
QUALIFICATIONS FOR THE BAR AT ALABAMA.—
After the formality of an introduction, the judge said,
" Well, Mr. C., you want to be examined for admit-
tance to the bar ?" " Yes, sir." " Well, sir, let's
take something to drink. Barkeeper, give us two
juleps." After drinking the juleps, the judge said,
Mr. C,, can you swim ?" Yes, sir, I can," said C.,
greatly surprised. " Well, sir, let's take another
drink. Barkeeper, two cocktails." The cocktails
vanished, and the judge said, " Mr. C., have you got
a horse P" " Certainly, sir," said C. " Very good,"
said the/judge, as soberly as though charging a grand

jury. " Mr. C., if you please, we'll take a drink.
Barkeeper, two toddies." The toddies disappear,
and C. owns he began to feel rather queer. " Mr. C.,'
said the judge, " can your horse swim ?" " Yes, sir,
he can ; for I have tried him from necessity." " Then,
Sir," said the judge, with increasing gravity, " your
horse can swim, and you can swim, and by —, I
think you are well qualified for an Alabama lawyer.
Give me your commission, and I will sign it. Mean-
while, barkeeper, give us two punches for my friend,
Mr. C., and myself. " Mr. C.," continued the judge,
" I drink success to your admission to the Alabama
bar."—Boston Times.

I A YANKEE Dimr.—A gentleman from New York,
who had been in Boston for the purpose of collecting
some money due to him in that city, was about return-
ing, when he found that one bill of one hundred dollars
had been overlooked. His landlord, who knew the
debtor, thought it a "doubtful case ;" but added that
if it was collectable at all, 'A tall, raw-boned Yankee,
then dunning a lodger in another part of the house,
would " annoy it out of the man." Calling him up,
therefore, he introduced him to the creditor, who
showed him the account. " Wal, 'square, 'taint much
use tryin', I guess. I know that critter. You might
as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill monu-
ment as to c'lect a debt o' him. But anyhow, what do
you give me s'sposin I do try ?" " Well, sir, the bill
ix one hundred dollars. I'll give you—yes, give
you half, if you collect it." " 'Greed!" replied the col-
lector ; " there's no harm in tryin', any way." ' Some
weeks after the creditor chanced to be in Boston; and,
in walking up Tremont-street, happened to encounter
his enterprising friend. " Look'e here !" said the
Yankee, " I had considerable luck with that bill of
your'n. You see I stuck to him like a dog to a root ;
but for the first week or so 'twant no use---not a bit !
If he wasn't at home, he was short ; if he was at home,
I could get no satisfaction. By and by, says I, after
going sixteen times, I'll fix you ; so I sot down on the
door step, and sot all day and part of the evenin', and
began airly next day ; but about ten o'clock he gin in.
He paid me my half, and I gin him up the note !"
THE HERO AND THE BAGMAN.—Not long since
there were in the public room of the principal hotel at
Athlone four commercial travellers, quietly sitting for
dinner. Three of them were Irishmen, representing
Dublin firms, who, having concluded their business for
the day, were busy writing out their orders for the
evening post. The fourth was an Englishman, con-
nected with a firm in the Sheffield trade ; but he, not
having been so fortunate in obtaining orders as his
companions, had nothing to do but silently muse on
the absurdity of the Irish custom of dining at five
o'clock, instead of the more rational hour of one. All
parties being thus occupied the door opened, and in
walked a tall, erect, military sort of man, who evidently
had seen a large share of service, both at home and in
our Indian possessions. He looked at the company in
silence, without moving a single muscle, except to give
an extra twist to his fine moustache, and then quietly
paced the room, ever and anon giving a side-glance at
the busy writers. At last he muttered, in a sotto voce
whisper, " Commercials—commercials." The Dublin-
ers knew their man, and could scarcely refrain from
laughing outright : while the Sheffield man darted a
look of defiance at the intruder, as sharp as the points
of his penknives. The old gentleman continued his
walk up and down the room, and, again glancing at
the writers, a second time murmured out, " Commer-
cials—commercials." Flesh and blood could stand that
no longer ; the Englishman took it for a direct insult to
his order, and responded sharply, " Yes, sir, we are
commercials ;' we belong to as respectable a lot of
men as any in the community ; and we would like to
know what business you have to come into our room
to insult us ?" The old soldier, in the blandest manner,
begged to assure the gentlemen that he had not the
most remote intention of insulting them ; but the man
of metal was not to be pacified by a few soft, honeyed
words, and retorted, Yes, sir, you have insulted us ;
the silent, contemptuous glance you gave at the com-
pany when you entered our room—the curl,on the
upper lip—and then calling us commercials' with such
a supercilious air—all go to prove the intended but
unprovoked insult. I can tell you, sir, we are as useful
a set of men to our employers as they are to us ; and
further, sir, we
.are quite as valuable members of society
as any barrack serjeant, no matter how big his mous-
tache may be ?" The general—for such he was—now
SaNY at a glance that he had made wrong move, had

[OCTOBER 16, 18'55.

11'
taken up a false position, and, in fact, that he
1:41t7
" caught a Tartar.' He, therefore, as quick as Id
ning, changed his whole line of defence, and stePPott
up to the enraged commercial, replied, " Give ine,.! I
hand, old fellow, for I see you are a regular bris;44
love a fellow that will stand up for his class an :400
against all corners ; and to assure you tha eithern con
idea or intention of insulting or offending
or this company, I would stop and dine with
only I am particularly engaged to dine out this esini
with an old friend, and would not like to W.6'4
agreement. But, to prove my sincerity, if rtitle
allow me, I will be most happy to treat you to arbere
of wine." The open, frank manner of the 014 the
completely changed the feelings and bearing u`fty
Yorkshireman, and, joined to that, the prospect of
old port melted away his passion as rapidly
sinks before the midday sun. The general n°" jieg
he had carried the day, and proceeded to pull thie
and summon the old waiter, who entered °DV
white apron up to his chin, and, making his IfilitVir
(for he is one of the old school), inquired okr,
" worthy honours" might please to want. jo
waiter," said the old general, " these gentlenienyoe
derstand, have ordered dinner." " Yes, my lord,'Lldied
for four." " Well, I would have stopped and 0
with them, but I am engaged out : you will, theLeilio,
supply them with four bottles of wine at t ni tiot
and charge them in my bill. Take care, waiter', c 0
you supply them with the best wine the ilcdisslo'
afford, so that they may drink a bumper to the hed,J
• id thenl

(j(

of General Lord Gough. He then biL
day, and shaking hands most warmly with Oleo' e of
shireman, hoped they would have the PleastterlD
meeting again. Thus parted, on the best 01,1er, 11
the old Tipperary general and the " master etl,',4re
the old hero is fond of fame—and most of his el
—he has made a first-rate investment with '13,01)"
that he paid for the four bottles of wine ; for tlleabo
Englishman is going round telling the story, all, 04
he shook hands with a real-life lord, owes s
of q°l4lr
forth his lordship's praise with all the p
pressure steam engine.

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