The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1871-12-26 00:00:00

A CHRISTMAS DINNER.

always know when Christinas is near hyena thing,
and that is niince-pies. There is an old saying, which
I dare ,ay you are aware of, that for every mince-ple
one cats before Christmas, one will have a monthls
hapi•it es, in the new year; so whenever we go to •
r-party aml a gentleman next me asks me if I
won't take a ininee-pie. I say first of all, No,
thanks," and that gives him an opportunity of return-
ing to the charge, and pressing me again to take
one, adding as an inducement the month's. happi-
ness, which lie is certain to offer with the air of •
person who is starting a perfectly original idea; BO Of
course I laugh, and say, "Dear Die! how funny-is
it really so?" (as if I had never heard the saying be-
fore.) "No, not a whole one, please, just a little piece
ti taste." This I say, not because j conld not eat
a whole mince-pie, but because I know that he will
then with great self-satisfaction make the following
reply :-" Well, Miss (inshington, if you really will
not take a whole one, let me share one with you, and
then we shall have a fortnight's happiness apiece
whereat I laugh hiuite naturally), and he laughs, and
the company in the immediate neighbourhood laugh,
as if he hail said a really witty thing ; for Ihave always
noticed that if you want people to laugh, you had
better make a bad old joke than a good new one.
Oh, here comes the pudding, all ablaze with blue-
fire (slisation among the juvenile members of the
piny, exhibited chiefly in a desire to get a piece with
some flame On it). (.apital --done to a turn-never ate
a better, and never wish to-something like a Christ-
ina,. dinner this, ili? Ali! I believe you -well, just
atl ' bleful to take off the richness. My poor father's
plan, a sis sinful of brandy after plum-pudding, always
took it himself. Indeed, well I'll try it-whits diges-
tion, does it? Ah, I shouldn't wonder. "For what
we have received. kc." Host rises-a few words-
great pleruture, I'm mire-couldn't be more so-see
so many of our friends at our-er-er-annual meet-
ing, I mean assemblage at our-er--annual- er-er--
gathering -old customs should be kept up, and when
I see so many of our friends -er - er- so many of our
friends- Cr- er (ilesperat.ly)- and relatives round our
table, I mean board. round our I. ay.]. our festive
board, I Gel er er I feel, I say. I eat but feel
(roughs protractedly) (hear, hear)- -hearty man rape
the table vigorously with a pair of nutcrackers-(hear
liear)--when I say meet so many I cannot say, I
mean, I say, I feel- (hear, hear)-! feel, I say, grate-
ful and thankful that-er-er-we have been spared
to mcs t again on a similar occasion-(hem., hear)-
hearty man works away with the nutcrackers-boo-
bs,. thinks how lie must be spoiling the mahogany--
( 'lin:liens is a season of the year when as I have said
iv. should all er -Cr (e.sn't thing of anything bat
"meet together," and is aware that he has already
made use of that expression several times) when we
shoidd all-er -er-unite, yes, unite, when we should
all 111 l ite in fostering, in promoting-er-harmony-
er-and kind feeling-and kind feeling-er- (hear,
hear) -one t. wards the other-(hear, hear)-and,
therefore. when I see around me-when I behold
so many kind friends and neighlsion, I feel that, that,
I feel how much, that is, I feel that (becomes hope-
lessly .4, resolves to conclude as 9flickly as he can),
0... O 1 Oat. I am very much obliged to you all for
L.l-0 t., day. that we both are, and that we
join ia the go,-1 wi lies of the Reason, and wish you
all a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, when
It CoMOS—(hear, hear. hear, hear). Site down. Instant
relief of company, who, with the exception of the
hearty man, have teen inspecting the patteni of their
des-set plates with great appearance of interest during
the sb-n-h if list. Buzz of conversation-flow
of small talk. young gentlemen transform
that -fel f: nit, the orange, into • variety of elegant
shapes for the e,preial delectation of the fair sex.
011 - sercain froin younglady-lirstcracker-what's the
motto?

•
" Ti ("upid did lint tell me true,
Itel say I should make love to you."
la. ! -not lad. Crack, crack, crack—file-
firing all ronil the table, boys awl girls, and grown-
up people lutlin crackers lite fun. Oh, here come
the little onis (iv flux of children for dessert). Oh
you darling -- will you give me a kim?—Examp4ll
contagions—all the youirx ladies kissing the little
children younz men delirious at the sight—Now
what will you take, my dear ?—may she,mammai
—Well• just a sip, to drink gran'ma and
gran'pres grail health —this is a Christmas, isn't it,
gratolpapa? ~raitilinainnui sayc it reminds her of old
times— grandpa a heaves a sigh far the past—affects
to be gay-- toitelies his hair— snow on the roof—ha, be,
ha! - what spirits the old gentleman has—grand-
mamma wip., her spectacles and Fitiffs—grandpaps
relap,,, awl blows Ins nose—risk that conversation
will ta`, a owl:melody turn—hearty man to the rescue
—ri•l•lle Mail/. it myself (nobody believes that).
"Nl'llat flowers bloom moat freely in the winter?"—
(Sire it up, "Nose., which are generally to be found
then in full Vow." Ira, ha, ha! (laughs himself) not
had, eh mild youth to young lady, " grogbloasom,
suppose,"—shc miles faintly, suspecting • joke,
!nit not having the remotest notion of what it la
collapse id mild youth, who being conceited, as most
mliii youtlis are, becomes disconcerted, wishes he had
said nothing, thinks everyone is thinking how stupid
he is—no one troubles his Lead about him,—Lad
Darin ri a.

The weathercock points to a high moral truth.
It shows that it is a rant thing to a-spire.

REAsosAmm FEAR. —" I am Afraid of light-
ninz," murmured a pretty woman, during a thunder-
dorm. "Wcll, vii 1113y1,,," pi,died a &pairing lover,
" wh. 3.,.11r1 tt I."

ZEAL or PAI:TY.—Dean Maxwell, sitting in
company with 1/r. Johnson, talked of the violence of
icirtteg, awl to what unwarrantable length party
men will nometimes run. " Why, yen, air," says John-
" they'll In anything, in matter how odd or des-
perate, to gain their point ; they'll all catch hold of the
reddiot cud of a poker sooner than not get posserdon
of it."

" Idon't know how it is," remarked a person
who was fond of writing poetry for the journals,
but whose productions were always declined with
thantx—" I have written a great deal, but as yet my
pieces have never been published."—" Perhaps," re-
plied his friend, "there are faults you were not aware
of, but evAlv detected by the hawk-eyed editor."—
"Well.l ejoined the post, "I can always write the
first lino well enough, but I must admit that I am
frequently perplexed about the szcond. Thuswe
"Tread lilitly, stranger, o'er this hallowed dust;
At some future period there is some probability that
If you don't mend your ways lay like me you must"
"Maw !" exclaimed the critic, "that's had mea-
sure," "Why, man you're mistaken; it must be good
measure, for It's more than's required."

HOME kUit HOLIDAYS.
Home for the Holidays, here we go;
Ilk, me, the train is exceedingly slow!
Pray, Mr. Engineer, get up your steam,
All,l let us be off with a puff and a scream;
We have two long hours to travel, you say,
(*.sae. Mr. Engineer, gallop away !
'l',., loon morel why the sun will be down
Belot e we reach dear old London town !
,'tul then what a number of fathers and mothers,
Aml uneles and aunts, and sisters and brothers
Will he there to meet us—oh, do make haste,
For I'm sure, Mr. Guard, we have no time to waste.
Thank goodness, we shan't have to study awl stammer
(hr Latin and sums, and that nasty French grammar.
and classes, and lessons are done,
And now we'll have nothing but frolic and fun.
11. me for the Holidays, here we gel,
But this Fast train is really exceedingly slow!
We shall have sport when Christmas comes,
When "snapdragon" burns our fingers and thumbs.
Well haw mistletoe over our dear little cousins,
And pull them beneath it, awl kiss them by dozens.
We shall have games at " Blind Man's Buff,"
Awl stoke and laughter, and romping enough ;
Well crown the plum pudding with bunches of bay,
Awl roast all the cheannts that come in our way.
Aii.l when Twelfth Night fall., we'll have such a cake,
That when we stand round it the table shall quake ;
We'll draw "King and Queen,"and he happy together,
Awl dance old "Sir Boger" with hearts like a feather.
How for the Holidays, here we go!
But thc. Fast train is really exceedingly slow!
And we'll go and see Harlequin's wonderful feats,
Cie:tube.; by magic whatever he meets;
And '441'3041m too, with her beautiful tripping ;
And Clown, with his tumbling, and jumping and
Awing.
eratinnient all things in his pocket so big,
Awl letting off crackers in Pantaloon's wig.
The inir,es that ,lance-1, too, last year in the ring,
We remember the tune, it was sweet Tink.a-Tiw.,
And their tails and their manes and their sleek cosits
so bright,
Some cream and some piebald, some black and some
white ;
how Mr. Merrpnan made us all shout,
When he fell from his horse and went rolling about;
Well be sure to go there—lis such capital fun,
And we won't stir an inch till it's evey bit done !
Mr. l'uneh, we'll have him, too, our famous old friend,
ini.dit see I • for ever, and laugh till the cud.
Will, hi., little dog Toll% so clever and wise,
iss.r Mrs. Judy with tears in her eyes,
ith the Constable taking liii,, off to the IMF
Awl the ~entlenian, talking his "
An,' the ti„nrhdiing stick that knocks all of them down,
l'imeh's delight i, in breaking a crown.
liome for the linlidays ! here we go!
Iltit really this train is exceedingly slow.
Yet ! I declare here is London at last.
The Fmk is right over the tunnel just past'
I biz= ! Haw.% ! I ean see my Palm!
I can see Ileorge's uncle, and Edwartra mamma!
Awl Fred,nd there's your brother! look ! look I there
he stas.
Tiel• set. ns, they see us, they're waving their hands.
Why don't the train stop. what art they about?
Now, now it me idefuly ab, pray let us out.
A Omer for old London. is kiss for mamma.
We're Home fur the Holidays now ! Muse !
Etiza Com

Drylr.s os Poir.ANTurcory.— Live with your
century, but be IPt its creature ; bestow on your con-
temporaries not what they praise, but what they
need. Imagine them am they should, if you would in-
fluence them; re-ard then, as they are, if you are
tempted to work' for them—Schiller.
An American liver said : "Becky Birchbend
thinks it provoking for a woman who has been working
all .lay mending her husband's oil coat to find a love-
letter from another w iiiii an in the pocket." To which
a contemporary answered " Perfect nonsense; there Is
not a woman under 'leaven but would find the letter
before she began to mend the coat—then it wouldn'tbe
mended at all."
DEATHS FROII WILD DEAsTS AND SNAKES IN
INDIA.--During the three years ending 1869 there
were killed by wild beasts —Arln a, b 88; Bombay
(exclusive of SCinde, ke.), 148; Bengal, 6,741 ; North-
Western Provinces, 2,168; Punjab, 3 0 ; Oude, 569;
Central Province% 1,347• Coory,f, 147 • Hyderabad,
129; British Bunnell, 107—total, 12,5.'7;4. Killed by
snakes —Madras, 760; Bombay (exclusive of &lade,
tke.), 588 ; Bengal, 11,787- North-Western Provinces,
2,474 ; Pun'ab, 1,064 ; Oude, 3,782 ; Central Provinces, ali . 226; &high Burma), 22.464