The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1869-12-14 00:00:00

F A 0 K T lA.

IA rondoctoes Baton is tbe fastest thing out ;
(bents time.
Tbs greatest 4ram4ack to one's comfort is said tsi
be • blister.
r7T IT up.—what kln4 of juries are most damt
prong to onr I bert ies ?—Wby, pm-Jerks.

Several farmers in Susses ban astonished their
neighbours by successfully "growing'.
WI., I. n pawnbroker I ac••• Iranbar4 t—lieeause I
Sikes lie ple lge, but cannot always keep it..

A Goo 1 Matrimonial Firm ia said to be one that
eionsine of threeltinxttai wife and one-quarter hue-

How in TAKE ME CTNRUS OW TIM C1M.11111177 ni
'A NEI ottet,uknooD.—Euiploy au orgau-griuder for
five minute..

The man who failed in his efforts to best a drum in
11Pie "mamh of lime," is said to beg.tinjiroa4ujsa,
as try his hand on the" horn of plenty."
SWEET 11A1H.... Don't you think. clear Julia, that
Araminta his such etrrei hair r-" Yes, and no won-
der, for you know she fastens it with a honeycomb."

A Pta7.—A brother editoT tells us that when be
was in prinon for libelling • Instice of the pew* he
wns requested by the puler to give the prison • puff.
TECHNICAL.—Mike, sneaking of • celebrated
siehn, said, "lie has led • vel7 abandoned life."—
"(11., yes," replied Scales, "the whole tenor of his
Ilife has been Moe.

Ctiot..--A French lady remotly told her husband
that if ever he deceived her elee mould kill hermit.—
"Pity do not, my love," roopon4e4 tho hatband;
"think what a disarrange:Nob t would caw in tl
hoes' l"

EiCKTE /71 A Power.-COM.—liagistnite "WWI
brought you here, sir ?"—Prisoner Two °Muer;
please your honour."—Magistrate : "Then I sup
liquor had nothing to do with it r--Priaoner. "Teisel
sir, they were both drunk."

A Lot—A person advertises in one of the paper,
for a helpmate for life; he wants one who shall be •
Companion of his heart, and hand, and lot.—" flow
ihrge is the lot r. asked the candidata for the situa-
tion in another paper.
Ictoolott. Anotasr..m.—rever waste arenmeek•
On people who don't know lark from losproorl, which
I. the case with half the folks who love disputation.
The best reply to a stolid dogmatist is to say, "Cer.
tainly—no doubt of it—it's as clear as mud."
A "CnItPANY ORDER.—A captain of militia, on
receiving a note from a Indy requesting the "pleasure
of his rampant'," understood it as a compliment to
those under hi. command, and marched the whole of
them to the buly's house!

EXAOGERATIoN.—Two gentlemen, noted for their,
fondness of eraggerat ion, were stating how they Isr
St their different hotels. One observed that at his
hotel be had tea so strong it was necessary to confine'
It in an iron vessel.—" At mine," said the other, "it
Is mode so weak it has not strength to run out of the
teapot."
Cenantsenrc.r.—" What Is your consolation in life
and in death?" asked a clergyman of a young Mill in
a bible class that he was catechizing. The young lady
blushed and hesitated.—" Will you not tell me?"
urged the clergyman. "I don't want to tell his
name,' said the ingenuous girl, "but I've no objection
to telling you where he lives."
ANNOTANCLI3 OF MnDFIIN LOVERS.—Adam End
ire eseripol two serious annoyances of modern lovers.
lathe first place, Eve had no mamma to make jodi-
lions inquiries as to Adam's social position and pros-
pects of patrimony; and Adam had no "governor" to
see that he did not throw himself away on • portion.
less

• lIOUItS PASSIM) • POINT.—A couple of rival poli-
ticians were disretting about the extent of a recent
procession—one claiming that it teas a smaller affair,
god the other that it was "the biggest thing of the
'kind ever seen in the country."—" Why," said he,
"it was twelve hours missing a given point, as I'll
make you admit," looking at his opponent.—" I'd like
to see you 010 sail the latter.—" Well, the point
It took us twelve hoar, to pass was the public-Lunn
at the coruer."—The "other fellow" gave it up.
VorolvEN WITH • VENGFANCE.—A couple ran
off to go married, and mime bark to the bride's house,
where she humbly sued for the forgiveness of liar
father, kneeling at his feet, all tears.—" Forgive for-
give me, .barest father !" sobbed the lovely suppliant.
Fure;ve you!" exclaimed the old gentleman;
"why, lam only too glad to get rid of you. Your ill-
temper and idleness have been the plague of my life,
and make your niarriarte no loss to me, my dear child.
flu take her," ad led the old gentleman, generously.,
add' easing the happy man; "and may you be happy !'
A curious Iceal question is pending in San Francis-
co. In a barroom two nwn wet° (wage! iu "dicker.
big" about the purchase and sak of a ben, which,
the time, was resting qnietly in a corner of the room.
At length n sale wan effected, awl immediately after-
wards it was (hammered that the hen had just laid •
Imo The purchaser claimed the egg as his ; but the
termer owner of the fowl maintained that the egg,
not being very warm when found, hail been laid pre-
trious to the completion of the purehase. The pur-
chaser, doubting the statement, is about to comments,
legal proecialings to recover the value of the egg!

30811 BILLINGS GN VELOCIPEDFIL What Jodi
Billings says.—Jush Billings says on the subject,t hasty s
It don't take much stuff to build it filosomele.
act bol.l tow say that a man coild make one ov'em
3ut of a citile old plank, and then hey enough stuff
over to splinter broken limbs, or make, perhaps, a
en-fin. A Mammal° can't stand alone, and that
single fact is muff to condemn the thing in ini eye.
I Aim% want tow have anything to do with any helte
kaa critter that can't stand alone, unless, I may add,
it is a putty woman going for to faint. I don't think
it will ever get intim getieral use among farmers, as
it has no eotiveuienees for a Lay riggin, nor even a
plum to strap a trunk; and as tow going tow church
on it, the family would Iwo tow go one at a time, and
the rest walk. Su of course the thing is killed in
that direction."

THE VlAJEfillt.l3 KlNGlloll.—Anntud flowering
plants resemble whales, as they come up to blow.
Flowers are very warlike in their disposition, and aro
over armed with pistils. They are migratory iu their
habits, for, wherever they may winter, they are sure
to leave iu the spring, met of them very polite and
full of boughs. Thongh there are no vegetable beaux
there are a number of spruce trees. It is considered
only right and proper to axe trees before you fell them.
Fruit trete have niilitary characteristics •' when young
they are trained, they have kernels, and their shoots
are straight. Grain must be treated like infant.;
when the head beads it
_melt be cradled, and thrash.
. .

lug is -txt-Mrted to to fit them for use. Grt:itt and seeds
are not considered daugeruus except when about to,
shout. Severd trees, like watch-dugs, are valued
mostly for their bark.
AN EYE To BUsINESS.—A conference was recently
held in the city of Glasgow, and a large number of
reverend delegates arrived by the morning train.—
"Come here, my little man," said one of the ministers
to a vicious newsboy, who was lustily crying, " Ere'st
yer mornin' paper ;" "come, and let me tell you •
little story. Did you ever hear of--, the greet
millionaire I"—" Yes; why k"—" Well, he was once
• newsboy, and sold papers as you do now for a
living ; and how do you suppose he became so
wealthy r'—" Dunne ; do you 'Yes, and I will
tell you how. While yet a boy he adopted the rule to
stave one-third of his daily earnings, no matter how
much or bow little the amount was; and when he had
arrived at the age of manhood, lie bad saved over
.tranty pounds."— 'To be surer'—" Yes, certainly;
ant: on the very day he became of age, he male an
investment of the money. Now, where do you sup.
eme he put it r—" Dunno."—" If you hail twenty
pounds, what would you do with it ?"—"Dunno."
"Don't you gums P Try hard."— The boy looked
thoughtful for • little while, then all at once his face
brightened up, and he exclaimed—" I know now."—
"Wed," exclaimed the minister, all aglow with et-
peesancy, "what r'—" Buy chickens I"
"WE'RE Two GALS AND • MARE.n—By way of
• "hint for women voters," &story about two Amen.
.an youtig ladies is given, called "the Sucker girls,"
whatever that tiny menu. Driving in II buggy, on at
plunk road, they were stopped by • turnpike man,'
and asked for the toll.—" How much is it ?' deman-
ded of We Mime Sucker.—" For amen and shores,"
replied the gatekeeper, "the charge is fifty cents."—
- Well, thou," retorted the undaunted Sucker, " git
out of the way, for we're two gals and a mare. (lit
up, Jeuuy."—And away they went, leaving the tax.
collector in mute astonishmeet. There is nothing new
nailer the mu, and the lively tale just narrated hap-
pens merely to paraphrase a highly venerable alma.
I dote relate." of no less • personage than Queen Eliza-
'. both. Coming one day from her palace at Greenwich,
' to review the Loudon train-bands on Plumpetead
welshes, the queen was mach disturbed by an sod.
dent which happened to a mounted soldier whose
horse run away with him sad eugulphed Lim in a
mu ass, where the pour fellow, primed down with
We %eight of his armour, WM smothered. The
(mem WWI ihnirtius to know the name and station of
the unlucky cavalier.—" May it please your high.
nem," replied old Sir Henry Lem, " he was one Kit
Simmons, a tatter of Easteheap, and, beshrew him, he
was mounted on one of my beet mane, which I lent
hint this very morning." Nay, then," quuth Queen
Buss, "I have lost ~either man nor horse."
Mr. Bloods the secretary df the Liverpool Chamber
of Commerce, who was odicially present at the open-
ing of the Sees Canal and at the international con-
gress at Cairi. has returned to Livertiml. Mr. Charles
Clark, the president, 1410 was also it, Egypt at the
11•11113 time, is expected in • few days.
Luz or • RAILWAY STATION AT EDI:MITI:OIL
—On Monday-night last, Knee four hundred feet
in length and eight feet in breadth of the now station
being built fur the Caledonian Railway Company at
E linburgh fell in with a fearful mill. Four men
and two homes had narrow escapes. The damage is
estimated at mealy 12,1.100.
CONCLUSION oF THE TITIN-00AL MINERS' STRIKE
LY STANYORDIIIIIRE.—The thin-coal colliers, after
holding out exactly a week, have been compelled to
weeds to the masters' terms of 31. per day increase,
in-teal of 61. demanded, They declare that they
need not have submitted only-that the thick-coal 001.
tiers did not attempt to assist them in any way.
Mr. Dickens's new story, of which the first portion
w;X he published in March next, will, it appears, be
'omelets(' in twelve monthly parts. The parts will
iilustratel by Mr. Charles Allston Collins, Mr.
etiein..nw, who, though he began Idea. aa
artist, in the footsteps of his distinguished father, ie
WM known to the public as an essayist and neveliii.
—Aka Nose.