The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1878-09-07 00:00:00

JOCULAR CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN

PAPERS.

An American General, in pitching into a military
opponent, exclaimed, "Why, his sword was never drawn but
once, and that was in a rage ! "

A paper published in Florida says :—" A new and
commodious dog-house was recently finished in this city for
the accommodation of one of our leading citizens."
A New York editor says of a friend, that "he had
an attack of typhus fever, which was so severe that, during
the whole time of its continuance, he did not enjoy a single
day of good health." That is the way typhus always affects
its victims in this locality.

A loving wile's postscript to a letter addressed to
her husband, who had taken a pleasure trip to New York:
—" Dear William, I have perused the police reports and
morgue returns every day, hoping to see your name."
An Illinois girl couldn't secure a certificate as a
school-teacher because she couldn't tell the commlttee why
the hind-wheels of a carriage were the largest.

A Philadelphia judge rejected a juror the other da
merely because he had been in the penitentiary for assaul
and battery, manslaughter, grand larceny, and highway
robbery.
A young lady hesitating for a word in describing the
character of a rejected suitor, said: "Eels not a tyrant, not
exactly domineering, but—" "Dogmatic," suggested her
friend. "No; he has not dignity enough for that; I think
pupmatic would convey my meaning admirably."
The Massachusetts papers are discussing the ques-
tion, "May cousins marry ? ' We should hope so. We don't
see why a cousin hasn't as good a right to marry as a brother
or an uncle or a son or sister.
The colour of a girl's hair is regulated by the father's
cash status. You never heard a rich girl described as "with
red hair."

Five thousand broom-handles a day are made in
Shiocton, Wis., and the married male Shioctoner never stays
out at night longer than nine o'clock

A New York boy, five years of age, having stolen a
can of milk, his mother took him to task with moral suasion,
and wound up her discourse by exclaiming, "What in the
world were you going to do with the milk, anyhow 2 "—" I
was going to steal a little dog to drink it I" was the crushing
reply.

W young lady in Indiana committed suicide the
other day. Her last words were, "I did it because I did
It." 'Yet, notwithstanding this lucid statement, a great
many people are still in doubt as to why she did do it.

"Gentlemen of the jury," said a New York judge,
trying a prisoner for murder, "they say that the fact of the
prisoner's killing his sweetheart shows that he was insane.
Merciful powers! gentlemen, if that be so, what would they
have said if he had married her 1"

A Yankee editor, puffing off air-tight coffins said,
"No person having once tried one of these air-tight coffins
will ever use any other."

A mother's love never changes. When a young
man in Europe wrote home to his mother in St. Louis that
he was about to go from Nancy to Ems, she exclaimed in a
transport that the dear boy hadn't altered a bit, but was
now, she knew, as fond of the girls as ever.
- -

Oh, yes! says the American Rochefoucauld. Youth
is full of grandeurs, generosities, independencies of spirit,
dm. but it is curious how many of these somebody, perhaps
no longer young, often has to pay for.

An old Grecian philosopher advises all men to know
themselves. The American Rochefoucauld on the contrary
suggests that people should shun disreputable acquaint-
ances

It having been stated that a General Hooker was
Immensely rich by the death of his Mexican wife, a news-
paper replied as follows :-Ist. General Hooker's wife was
not rich. 2nd. She was not a Mexican. 3rtl. She is not
dead. 4th. General Hooker never had a wife ."

At the close of the sitting of the Illinois House of
Representatives, the clerk read the following :—" I am 're-
quested to announce that the Rev. Doctor McFarland will
deliver a lecture this evening In this hall on the 'Education
ot Idiots.' Members of the Legislature are invited to at-
tend."

•An American preacher, in his address to earnest
young men, recently said, "Never fear, young man, never
falter. Press forward with living courage burning in your
heart; there's room in the top." No. 2,839, five stories
beyond the elevator, right under the tin roof, thermometer
129 in a cool place, no fire escape, no bell, no water in the
pitcher, only one towel and no soap, and the only window in
the room opening into a dark hall. Yes, young man, there's
always room at the top, and the dustier you are, and the
more weary and travel worn you look, the more absolutely
certain is the clerk to send you there.

An Arkan as Elder Knapp, while baptieing converts
at a revival meeting, advanced with a wiry, sharp•eyed old
chap into the water. He asked the usual question whether
there was any reason why the ordinary baptism should not
not be administered. After a pause atoll, powerful looking
man, aith an et) e like a blaze, who was leaning on a long rifle
and looking quietly on, remarked, "Elder, I don't want to
interfere in yer business any, but I want to say that is an
old sinner you have got hold of, and that one dip won't do
him ply good. If you wanS to got thin out ot him
hal* tto anchor him out in aft, Vista OM night."

glisallantous andelliffente,