The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-01-01 00:00:00

AMERICAN CUTTINGS.

Jean Paul says a happy life is like a river, wherein
blissful minutes swim like golden fishes.

A San Francisco ladies' shoemaker advertises him-
self as one of the luminaries of "the sole her system."
An Arkansas editor says, "There will be five eclipses
this year—two of the sun, two of the moon, and one of our
political opponents."
"What does Good Friday mean?" asked one boy of
another. "You had better go home and read your Robin-
son Crusoe," was the withering reply.
A young Tennessee girl recently married an entire
stranger, alleging that she should have plenty of time to
become acquainted with him afterwards.
A good matrimonial firm is said to be one that con-
sists of three-quarters wife and one-quarter husband.
"None knew him but to trust him, nor named him
but to dun," is the pathetic sentence with which a Yankee
merchant closes an advertisement for a missing customer.
That Tennessee preacher forgot himself, who, while
addressing a ladies' charitable society, said, "I now urge all
of you to dive down into your breeches pockets and haul
out for the poor."

. -
A dtshwashing-machine ie the latest invention, says
an American paper. They will continue to invent washers,
ringers, 'ropers, sewers, and one thing and another, till
women will not be worth fifteen cents a dozen.

Mrs. Davy, of Tennessee, pretended to be drowned
just to see what her husband would do. Ho hired a cheap
negro to drag for the body, and went to the cornfield at his
usual pace. And then she crawled out from under the house,
followed on and blessed him her hardest.

A Louisa county man tamed a prairie dog that
somebOdy sent him until the docile little creature would
eat off his hand At least it ate oil about three-quarters of
his thumb yesterday, but died of concussion of the brain
before it could finish the hand.

An obituary notice of a much-respected New York
lady concludes with, "in her life she was a pattern worthy
to be followed; and her death, oh, how consoling to heir
friends!"

A Nebraska paper says that a woman has sued an
editor of that place for publishing that she had murdered
three husbands, when in fact she had murdered but two,
the third eseaping with a few broken ribs. "I don't cale
for their printing the exact truth about me," says the f
plaintiff, but I will not stand their exaggeration&"
A model obituary notice is thus given in,als. xj.Arkansasohnson
paper of a recently deceased fellow citizen : '
6sin ce
the dark valley to
ichsad event Mr.
diJohnson'sedtn thefootsteps
spring
havee7ro,
ed downh which
corridors of time
alone, waiting for the summons to cross
bthreeatohtehderoushtolikre; twbheiwchafribmgeofatablaestv,ebainbdg
bhreeez went—life
e— h a py
to think he'd never bad a sick day all his life. Our loss
his gain."
p
4
At Port Hope,Ocntarfy
twoo, a
rivalcompetitivebrabrass
bandsan
concertd w
nwo as
41
given a few days s
itte b
rather than have it repeated, the Port Elopers wOuld prefer
having twenty seven successive thunderstorms.
A Brooklyn man, who had the toes of one foot out. 4
off by a horse car, sued the company for &.,000 dols. damages
—l,OOO dol& per toe. The company denied responxibility,
but the jury awarded the plaintiff 500 dols, in total.
A vegetarian, who was dodging an infuriate bull
behind a tree, exclaimed, " You ungrateful beast, you toss,
a vegetarian, who never ate beef in his life! Is that the ,
return you make?"
A Cincinnati lady, writing from Washington, says :
"Boston draws herself up severely, scans your cerebral
velopment through her eyeglass, and coolly asks, 'What do
you know ' New York displays her silks and diamonds, *
and pertly asks, What are you worth!' Philadelphia, with
prim hands and pursed•up lips, asks, 'Who was your grand-
father ? ' While Washington stoops between the waltz and
the German to inquire, 'Can you dance ?' "

- -
"Gentlemen, I can't lie about the horse ; he is blind
hi one eye," said the auctioneer. The horse was soon
knocked down to a citizen who had been greatly struck by the
auctioneer's honesty, and atter.naying for the horse he said:
"You were honest enough to tell me that this animal was
blind in one eye. Is there any other defect?" "Yes, sir,
there is. He is also blind in the other eye "was the prompt
reply.

The following peroration to an eloquent harangue,
addressed to a jury by a lawyer, lea rare.specimen of climac-
teric sublimity :—" And now the shades of night had
shrouded the earth in darkness. All nature lay wrapped In
solemn thought, when these defendant ruffians came rushing
like a mighty torrent from the hills down upon the abodes of
peace, broke open the plaintiff's door, separated the weep-
ing mother from her crying infant, and took away—my
client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim
three pounds ten shillings."

—FProuninch.and after
--- .
SEASONABLE ilm T. —The person likely to feel
warmest at this time of year is the man who is not
Revenue thoroughly
A cw wrapped a3PBPaendd u3l:
17 1 e . ,
will take effect :
'Rion in the Customs and Inland
"Every person who shall let any carriage for hire for
any period less than one year shall, for the purpose of
the said Act (32 and 33 of the Queen, c. 14) be deemed
satTuriidEaylloirsEt)
aoFproC4 Ili: I.hAiGME:S.e.if27l,
to be the person keeping such carriage, and every
person who shall hire any carriage for a year, or any
longer period, for the purpres of the said Act' be
deemed to be the person keeping such carriage."

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