The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1869-01-26 00:00:00

Varieties.

CAPITAL POIIIIIIMIENT.—A thoomind a year mil
nothing to do.

DnIIIIITIC MAGLZINEIL —W iVC I Vho are always
blowing ap their husband,.

ALTHOUGH • lady's hatband should neglect to &v.
her • good dress, di• should not seek rereng• by giving
him • good drooping.
RAILW•T INTMLIGUICA—Tbe approved method of
communication between passenger and guard a
shilling.
BIIIIIOHIG CP.—A ptIlwo•'• character depends • good
deal upon his bringing up. For instance,. man who
has been brouglit op by Ckg police, seldom turns out
reepeotable.
A YLKAGANT TtlY.—A friend of 0131,1 WU rionvnitti•
Islip' himself upon baring recently taken • very
pleasant trip. Upon Inquiry, we learned that he had
tripped end fell into • young lady's lap.

VILIT DONTWOUS.—FoIIow the little shoehlack
home, who has Iftwn brightening your boots in these
dirty ttrteta, and lon will find that his work Is not
yet done, for you will sew him busily polishing off his
supper.

A Mims STUDY. —Tiny Mite, No.l (female): "Not
epall window ! 'Course I coo! W- I—n„ 010. d -o,
do, window!' Tiny Mite, No. 2 (male) : "Ahl but
thoo can't spell tbe other window, now can tboo I"
'Coe 'Tis.—Tbat bdter old ouimordeson, Growls.",
says you cull your bride's outfit her trousseau, but you
never vile the word nfter marriage. You say °costume
then—bemuse it lism coat•yomni-ueb I

. EPITAPH
MY pump woe handy. end my chalk um while.
My yoke raw me, and my burden light*

LITIMAL COVNTROCTIoIg. A chaplain woo onCli
preaching to a Glue of eulbgians about the formation
of bad habits. "Gentle men." said he, " close your
ears against bad diavoirsee." The 'cholas immediately
clapped their hands to their tam.
TICE TO • Ilata.—A somewhat jovenile dandy said
to a fair pertner,at ball, " Don't you tlink. miss. my
nioustaellioi are becoming '—To which she replied,
"Well, air, they may lig contiag, but they have cot yet
wind."
A YOOPO widow of very polite address, 'shoos hus-
band had lately died, was viaited soon after by the
minieter of the parish. who inquired, as =nal, about
her husband's health, when she replied, with a peculiar
unile, "He is dead, I Musk you."

"Do you really believe, Admiral," said aWashinetoo
Mdy to Admiral IF.rraeut, "that the dead walk after
death r-" I have not a doubt of it, madam," politely
replied the gallant Admiral, "for I have myself heard
the • Dead Mareh in ileuL"

OTTOIII. —A vain msn's mottoe ts,vrin gold and wear
it; • generous man's win gold and abase it ; a miaer's
win gold and spare it; • prodigate's,win gold and spend
It ; • broker's, win gold and knd it ; a fool's, out gold
and mu it; • gambler's, win gold and lose it; a wise
man's, win gold and ass It.

_
PARLI•MIttaTaIIY THOU .:MT.—One of the Windsor
slretion witnesses described somebody as the very man
that was wanted aa en ttttt , " because he looked
'sully like a fool, but wasn't one." Curious, that
many electors should employ precisely the opposite rule
when selecting the very assn wanted u an M.P.

A Pgarter Conm—Town Mao "How jolly it must
be living loan here in the country r—Conotry Gentle-
won: "Oh, I don't know. It's rather a torpid sort of
III.; time passes very slowly." Town Man "Time
passes slowly? You should get somebody to draw on
you at three months
ittlinixcx or Ormiox.—Arabells : " Now,Charley
dear, do hove a little courage: when I have • powder
to take. I don't like it any better thin you do ; but I
make up my mind to take it, and I do." Charley
"And wh, n I ha,.. powder to take. I make up my
mind that I won't take it, and I don't."
WHIN Walter Scott was at school, a boy ir the same
edam was asked by the teacher what part of speech
" with" was. " A noun, sir," said the boy.—" You
young blockhead !" cried the teacher, "what example
can you nive of such • thing?'—" I can tell you, sir,"
interrupted Scott; " there's a 'erne in the Bible which
lark '"They bound Samson with Piths.'"
WntLs a young lad• at • recent party In Saratoga
(United States) was talking about the "psychological
significance of dream," and maintaining that a person's
character could to • oonsiderable extent be inferred
from hie attire, a foppish young Englishman, wearing
• blue coat and brips buttons, inquired, with • super.
cilioss air, what Ant hind of coat indicated, to which
the young lady instantly responded "The Um is
indicative of the wearer's! tidings ; the brass, of his'
atanners."

Mr. WINDIELL PHILLIP/I MU Siding in • railroad ear
when he was addressed by • man of such rotundity that
he seemed to carry eretrything before hint. Tfe man
asked Mr. Phillips what was the object of Iris life. "To
benefit the negro." wee the bland reply. "Well then,
why don't you go troutb to do it?" "That is worth
thinking of. I see • white cravat around your neck ;
pray what is the object of your life ?" "To mane souls
from bell." '• May I ask you whether you propose to
go there to do it ?''— New York Paper.

A Nsvirs of the green isle of Erin, called at a
chemist's shop with a prescription, the preparation of
which be watched with great curiosity. " What's that,
one way r asked the customer. " This," said the
obliging arothecary "is tincture cituieifugs raceme's
and liniment of saponis, cantharides, and optl." A look
of bevrilderment changed to one of grave cencern as the
Irishman inquired, "Aid wiat is the pricer —"Six.
pence," was the reply.—' By j ibers," said Pat, "I
thought two such names as that would coat me at lute
Aye 'billings."
THE MOM L LADY.— The uodel lady puts her children
out to nurse and tends lapdog.; lies in bed tiU noon ;
wears paper.soleil shoe., and pinches her waist ; gives
the piano Ate, and forgets to pay her milliner ; cuts her
poor relations, and goes to Church when she bas a new
bonnet ; terns the 'cold shoulder" to her busland, and
flirts with his Irked, ; :Inner saw a thimble; don't
brow a darning needle front a crowbar ; wonders where
puddings grow; eats ham ands eggs In private and dines
off a pigeon's leg in public; runs mad after the last new
fashions ; and when asked the age of her youngest
child, " Don't ksiow, indeed I Ask Betty."

GIBRALTAR.
Say. Psned unto Ginul•tone,
" The Itoek's not • bad atom."
" We won't let it go,"
Bays the fiery Bob Lowe.
"Hold It tight, hold it
iiia‘• the stalwart John Bright
•' It wan hard work wain,"
Kay. the nen•ible 01)n.
"Rod ht Indio from the anvil,"
Be)•eleg•nt Gram dlr.
"It.. 111.1140 we should guard weU,";
Nes•nioderate Otrdwell. _
. . .

" Yes, that's clear enough,"
Say welbirdortned but
" Who'd Acid it he hung,"
Says the Scot's lawyer, Yam,.
" The thought were too govelliu
say. Irish trLoghlen.
" One'. brat, it bewilders."
&pi chivalrous Milder.,
And stirs up one's bile,"
Says the valiant Argyle.
" Sooner fight every swearing Don,"
lisysienoke-loving Clarendon.
"Who'd Old it's a Pagan,"
Sis). Cathohe Olistran.
"And we won't to the Don .ell,
Saysgohiseveming Women.
lle ought to be taught his cue,"
Say. spirited Footoeue.
" We let the old huller in r
Sato dignified Dutivrin.
Beca.iou don,fieys. w 111 h.ray hard."

,
Ba3-ap4ain.poken Layanl.
"And talk lira Pardngton,"
S. valtanteat Harlington.
" Such weak are no we,"
tiara the true hearted Bruce.
" And make a man tom chin,"
a lofty]. Oottehen.
" We don't else Hump that way,"
Maya mirthfulleat Ot•ay.
" &Utah Bag on that old ridge,"
Bata clamdcal Coler:dge.
ourd boys," my., unite fatherly,
Lord Punch •nd Lord Ilatherl).

ANICDOTZ.—The following picket anecdote
was narrated by an officer of the regular United Santee
calvary to a friend of the writer. The narrator was
near the spot at the time, and knew the deserter—a
fact which I mention, stew it has already sppeared in
print, but In • form not K. true to life :—One morning,
when our army was wasting in vein in the Chiekahominy
swampa, sem, of our pieketera,' while getting up • hit
of dreakfut by the roadside, were startled with " How
are ye by. r The Veda looked, and lo I over the
bushes wee staring, with what was meant to be •
peculiarly conciliating grin, one of the moat grotesque
of Irish faces, appended to the worst clad of the Irish
bodies. ' And what are ye either doing, gintletneo r
be inquired. 'Making coffee i have some?' was the
laconic answer. 'Ye wou't be either 'tondo' or
eaptivatia me? was the cautions mistier. 'Never a
bit et it: come down r By nie troth, and it's very
temptio' ye ate, and the lluigasit manners that jive got
Mika, ; and its mysilf that likes the company of gintle-
min. as con afoord to have their bit and sup of the
ose-ly ivory day. Sure, an' it's beautiful that yees
make it. A cup is nothing when it's so good." Well,
take another." An' I just will. Sure, and that's
spendid caw-fy. The ribbles— bed ems to them?'
(sinking his voice to • confidential whisper)—' don't
us a diva sr a tooth@ uv the stuff." Well take
another cup r •Y. won't call It bad manners av I
do; sure, an ye're occult.. Sure, ye seem to be com-
fortable intirely ; and ye have clothes and the !might
ay good Hein I" That's ' Well, bye' (with an
insinuating Iriah smile. intended to be extremely entic-
ing), I helm I'll stay by the eaw-fy, and gait the
nettles intirely; And Pat was as good his word : he
remained with the coffee and the union.