The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1878-09-21 00:00:00

[From Punch.]
BETWEEN TWO FIRES.

(A Cheerful Little Asiatic Farce—in Active _Rehearsal.)
SCENE.—A retired spot in the wilds of Afghanistan.
Enter a Local Ameer out of breath, hotly pursued by

two European Enrops.

First Envoy (seizing him by the collar). Ha! ha! It
won't do, you know. I have got you now, and don't
mean to let you go.
[Shakes him, and secures a firmer grip.
Second Envoy (intervening and seizing him on the other
side). Come, don't be so rough with the old gentle-
man, Catching hold of him like that! A pretty
friend you are! Here, let him go, can't you?
[They all three struggle violently for five minutes.
The Ameer (gasping). Allah is great! But oh, my
sons, is there not plenty ef room for both of you
beyond the rising and the sitting of the sun? Why
do you trouble the poor harmless simple-minded ra-
haot-la-koum loving Ameer?
Both the Envoys (together). Because we are so
friendly !
[They let him go suddenly, and beckon off respectively
right and left.
The Ameer (wiping his forehead with his pocket-
handkerchief and arranging his collar). Allah be
praised ! Allah be praised! A little repose. I shall
go to sleep. [Sits down on the ground.
Both the Envoys (rushing at him simultaneously, fol-
lowed by members of their respective suites bearing
presents), Never!
First Envoy. No, never—till you have accepted
these tokens of the condescending friendship of my
august master the Great White Czar. See: Genuine
Caviare; some fully paid-up shares—in a State line;
he grand cross and collar of the exalted order of the
Purple Hymna ; and one dozen of dry rouvray
champagne.
[Empties them all on the ground in a heap before him.
Second Envoy ( kicking them aside). Nonsense! Call
these gifts ! Look at mine ! Here is something that
speaks not of despotism but of progress, Behold!
Two tins of corned beef; back numbers of an
Encyclopecdia ; a public house sign and—a double
bathing-machine. ( Pushes them all on to him). It is
with such materials as these that the mighty civilised
empire I represent
The Ameer (feebly). Yea, yes, I know! But why,
0 my venerable little grandfathers, force the poor old
Ameer to accept such costly gifts? In Cabul the
blessed, we neither speculate, nor drink, nor wash !
Let us alone ! Let us alone !

Both he Envo4s (together). Never! (They each seize
one of his arms.) Thus do we display our friendship.
[All three again scuffle violently for five minutes.

The Ameer (endeavouring to release himself). Ah, yes!
true, very true, 0 my importunate little grandfathers!
But what if I decline it. This, your friendship?
First Envoy (breaking away from him with a bound.)
Decline it, you Moslem! Niger! you can't!
Second Envoy (springing away front him with a leap).
Decline it? Misguided old savage! You shan't 1
The Ameer (again wiping his forehead, and arranging
his collar. Allah be praised ! I can breathe for a few
moments in peace! Farewell, 0 my amiable little
grandfathers! Farewell! and forget not the poor,
well-meaning, pacific old Ameer !
First Envoy. Farewell! Ha! ha! ha! I tell you,
within three months-

[Exit, to order the concentration of a large force at
Keliff and Balkh, and to prepare for the sudden
seizure of Lierat and Charkund.
Second Envoy. "Farewell 1" indeed! Ridiculous!
You haven't seen the last of me, ,

[Rxit to arrange for the immediate occupation of
fella Wad and Candahar, and the subsequent
invasion of Afghanistan by a force of sixty
thousand men.
The Ameer (looking after them with a hopeless smile).
Gone! Well, Allah be praised Allah be praised!
[Sits down, and opens the Corned Beef as the Curtain
slowly descends.

For the first time since he TV SEI wounded by Nobiling,
the Emperor William on Tuesday mounted on horseback and
rode for twenty minutes.

The number of deaths regi.tered in London and
twenty.two other large towns ot the united kingdom during
last week was three thousand two hundred and forty-sight.
In London alone the number was ona thousand two hundred
and fifty-nine. The average death-rate for the kingdom was
tkt'Gui s Li every thous LIM persons living., but it was as low
R 3 0%10011 in Edinburgh, and as high as twenty-five in
Dublin, whilst in London it was only slightly over eighteen,
the lowest rate for the metropolis "blob 1155 Venn flatted
during the past six weeks.

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