The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-11-11 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

GOOD ADVICE —ln these days of hydrophobiac fever,
it is refrerhtng to read a sensible bit of advice, such as
comes from a new Orleans pap-r. A timid correspon-
dent wanted to know "how to tell a mad dog," and the
editor made the following suggestion :—"We don't know
what he wants to tell him, but the safest way would be
to communicate to the dog in writing. Send the letter
from a gun in the shape of wadding, followed by small
shot to see if he gets it."

A MAN OF BUSINESS.—A gentleman was in treaty
with a horse-dealer (who died the other day) for the
purchase of a mare, but could not agree upon the
price. Next morning, however, making up his mind
to offer to split the difference, he posted off to the
yard, when the first pereon he met was the groom.
Master up, Joe?' said he. "No ; master be
dead," said Joe; "but he left word you're to have
the mare!"

WHAT'S IN A NAME ?—" I wantsch to schipp in the
Luciiia," said a Dutchman to a clerk in a shipping office.
—''Well," said the clerk, pen in hand, " what's your
name? '—" It ish Hans Vanaddsmahandordanneseeva-
neymendymiteheitenschiuyfelutmitdeshupvndrom p "
said Danny, gravely spitting out his old quid and
taking a fresh one."—Heavens !j" said the asto-
ni.hed clerk, "I can't write that. Look-a-here, mister,
what is it in English—do you know?"—" Ich does. It
is Smidt.h I "

LEFT LEG.— A. traveller WAS lately boasting of the
luxury of arriving
,at night alter a hard day's journey,
to parliake of the enjoynient Of a well-cut ham, and
the left leg of aitiot.e.'. 'Pray; sir, what is the peculiar
luxury of .a left leg? "—" Sir, to conceive its luxury,
3 you nit; find that it is the only leg that is left!"
STO 'OF A MISER —A . Turin newspaper says the
follow.; g scene occurred a few days ago at a railway
stationi:—On a bitter cold day a millionaire applied at
the ticket-office for a third-class ticket. "What !" ex-
claimed the official, who knew him, " you, sir, take a
third class ticket on such a day as this? "—Why, I
must," was the cool reply, "since there . A no fourth-
class."— "I beg your pardon," answered the official,
handing him a ticket, "but there Is: here is one."
The man of wealth hastily paid for it, and rushed
for ward to take his place. Oa the door-keeper asking
to see his ticket, the traveller produced it, but was
rather taken back on being told that the ticket would
not do for him. "And why not?" he exclaimed.—
"Why, sir, because it is a dog-ticket ! "

DIDN'T ASK THEM.—The retort of a little boy te an
attorney in a New York 'police-court, created some
amueement. The lad, being on trio stand as a witness,
was questioned concerning a certain cheap novel
alleged to have been stolen. "What WU the picture
on the cover?' asked the attorney.—" Two Indians,"
was the reply.—" What were the Indians doing ?"—"I
didn't ask em," answered the boy. The attorney
suddenly discovered that he had no further use for the
young witness.
"CUT IT SHORT.”—A gentleman having his hair cut,
and being annoyed with the operator's stories, in the
middle of each he said, "Cat it short." At last, the
barber, in a rage, ex..laimed, "It cannot be cut
shorter, for every hair of your head is off."
Miss MAO—The following letter is given by a
Washington paper as authentic :—" Dear Miss Alag
I sete myself to drop you a few lines to let you know
how I love you. I have loved you all my life ever
since you were born in the world. I have bin bout
ded all this time but I am gitting sum beter than I
was, and hopin when these few lines reeches yu it will
find yu enjoyeing the same Dear miss mag the last time
I saw you it like to break my heart strings in too, you
are the very gal that I have been hankerin after this
long time but it seames that you turn your waiys from
mee. oh, don't do that miss mag I have no hors but
an ox he is all ritein the buggy. Oh do not hate me miss
mag rite as often as you kan, direct your letters to Hy
mountain. Rite often if Aou kant redo this plen send
it backe to mee. Dear Mies Mug love me all of your
dais with all your youthful powars."

THE BIG FIDDLE, —A shrewd clergyman was once
tormented by his people to let them introduce the
"big fiddle," or bass-viol into the church. He told
them the human voice was the divinest of all instrn•
ments of music; but they introduced their viol, and
the old man rose and said, "The brethren will, if they
please, sing and fiddle the thirty-ninth Psalm."
IN THE WAY.—At the time Dr. Johnson visited
Aberdeen, an old turreted house in Iluxter-row was
being newly harled. Struck with this operation, the
doctor approached the labourer, and inquired how he
produced that regular Irregularity. The man explained
the composition, and the doctor requested next to see
how it was applied. "But, perhaps," said he, "I am
in your way, my good friend ?"—"Na, na, air, ye're
nee in my way, said the labourer, splashing a huge
trowelful on the wall, and plentifully bespattering the
doctor's person ; " as, na, ye're nae in my way, if ye're
nae in ye're am.'
A FRIENDLY EXCHANGE.—Barry, the painter, was
with Noilekens at Rome, in 1760, and they were ex-
tremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night,
when they were about to leave the English coffeehouse,
to exchange hats with him. Barry's was edged with
lace, and Nollekens' was a very shabby, plain one.
Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was
asked by Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat.
—" Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Joey," answered
Barry, "I fully expected assassination last night ; and
I was to have been known by my laced hat."
PRAY Do AS I AM DOING.—A celebrated doctor—
celebrated almost as much for hie love of good living
as for his professional skill—called upon a certain
eccentric nobleman whom he found sitting alone at a
very nice dinner. After some time, the doctor, -re-
ceiving no invitation to partake of it, said, " My dear
lord, if I were in your lordship's place, I should say,
Pray, doctor, do as I am doing I' "—" A thousand
pardons for the omission," replied his lordship. "Pray,
then, my dear doctor, do as I tall doing—go home and
eat your own dinner ?"
WOMAN'S LOVE —A man Who had struggled with a
malignant disease approached that crisis in its stage on
which his life seemed to depend. Sleep, uninterrupted
sleep, might ensure his recovery. His anxious wife,
scarcely daring to breathe, was sitting by his bed, her
servants, exhausted by constant watching, had all
left her. It was past midnight, a door was open for
air ; she heard, in the stillness of the night, a window
open below stairs, an soon after approaching foot.
steps. A moment more and a man with his face dis-
guised entered the room. She instantly saw her
husband's danger; and anticipating the design of the
unwelcome intruder, she pointed to her husband, and
pressing her finger upon her lips to insure silence, held
out to the robber her puree and her keys. To her great
surprise he took neither. Whether he was terrified or
charmed by the courage of her affectim cannot be
known, Ile left the room, and, withoutt robbing a
house sanctified by tt uch strength of affection, he de-
parted.
"WORSE THAN THESE 1"—Colonel Bastion abhorred
anything like soiled or shabby clothes. If ever he felt
pleased, it was to see his men uniapeachably clean and
Oae fine summer's holiday as he was
strolling over the lines, he met Private Duce wearing
a pair of "bags" that would have disgraced the limbs
of a crossing sweeper. "Stop, sir I" shouted the
colonel, wrathfully. "How dare you appear in public
in such shameful trousers?" Duce was taken aback at
the sudden attack, and not having _framed a sufficiently
plausible excuse, was /silent. " Have you not," con-
tinued the colonel, "another pair in barracks 7"—
Yes, sir," was the meek response, "Then why
didn't you put them on?"—" Because," replied Duce,
with true military self-possession, "they're worse thai.
these, sir."
MRS. PARTINGTON ON "PROCLIVITIES."—" Where
is your little b y tending ?" asked the good man, as he
was ii.ctlitiog ot Mrs. Partingten into the procliv iti,s
of Ike, who had a bad name in the neighbourhood.
H- m- ant ti,e direction for good or ill the boy was
t4ch,g. "\V511," said the old lady, "he isn't tendiug
anywhere yet. I thought of putting him into a whole-
s some shop, but some says the ringfail is the most bene-
tictous, though h 3 isn't old enough yet to go into a
shop." "I meao mcrally tencsiug," said her visitor
solemnly, straightening himself up like an axe-handle.
" Yes," st.vid she, a little confusedly, as though she
di'n't fully understand, but didn't w:sh to insult him
by saying she didn't: " yes, I should hope he'd tend
morally, though there's a great difference in sh,p-
keepers, and the moral tenderness in some seems a
1 good deal less than in others, and in others a good deal
I more. A shopkeeper is one that you should put confi-
dence into, but lye always noticed sometimes that the
smilingest of them is the deceivingest. One told me
the other day that a dress would wash like a piece of
I,white, and it did just like it, for all the colour-washed
out."

IJL( IJW