The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1855-07-03 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

WiIAT kind of a doctor would a duck make P—A quack
doctor.

Mus.PARTINGTON says that a gentleman laughed so heartily
that she feared he would have burst his jocular vein.
WILY is a fashionable lady like a rigid economist ?—Because
she puts herself into a great bustle about a little waist (waste).
" GENIUS will work its way through," as the poet remarked,
when he saw a hole in the elbow of his coat.
THE following is a specimen of the love songs of the Beduin
Arabs :—" 0, rose of the desert ! if thy father were a jackass
or a mule, I would sell him that I might buy thee."

A COMMON DISEASE.—" What is the matter with Mr.
Johnson's eyes ?"—" Why, he has injured his sight by looking
through a thick-bottomed tumbler."
JOIIN WESLEY being asked by a nobleman, " What is
humility ?" replied—" My lord, humility, I think, consists in
a man thinking the truth about himself."
IN CHINA, if a man is not married by the time he is twenty,
he is drummed out of the town. No place for bachelors among
the fum-fums.
A DEEIVATION.—The word daisy is a thousand times pro-
nounced without adverting to the beauty of its etymology,
" the eye of day."
As is a letter, if the paper is small and we have much to
write, we write closer, so let us learn to economise and improve
the remaining moments of life.—Jay.
LIFE is a web, composed of many coloured yarn, and we
must take the shades with the lights, the bad with the good.
In short, we must just make the best of things.—Life by the
Fireside.

HEAu much and speak little, for the tongue is the instru-
ment of the greatest good and the greatest evil that is done in
the world.—Sir Walter Raleigh.
TILE proof of the pudding is in the eating ; the proof of a
woman is in making a pudding; and the proof of a man is in
being able to dine without one.
A PERSIAN PHILOSOPHER being asked by what method he
acquired so much knowledge, answered—" By not being pre-
vented by shame from asking questions when I was ignorant."

THERE are few higher gratifications than that of reflection on
surmounted evils, when they were not incurred nor protracted
by our fault, and neither reproach us with cowardice nor guilt.
GROUNDS FOR A REFUSAL—Thirteen objections were once
given by a young lady for declining a match ; the first twelve
being the suitor's twelve children, and the thirteenth the
suitor himself.

A poetical temperament is, of all others, the least fitted to
the world. Its inequalities, its frankness, its indignation,
its ebbs and flows, are all the reverse of craft, and what but
craft will the world be ruled by ?
IF the devil ever laughs, it must be at hypocrites : they are
the greatest dupes he has; they serve him better than any
others, and receive no wages ; nay, what is still more extra-
ordinary, they submit to greater mortifications to go to per-
dition, than the sincerest Christian to go to heaven.
A Poon Intsnmes, who applied for a license to sell ardent
spirits, being questioned by the Board of Excise as to his moral
fitness for the trust, replied—" Ah, sure it is not much cha-
racter a man needs to sell the same."
WHEN Walter Scott was at school, a boy in the same class
was asked by the Dominie what part of speech with was. "A
noun, sir," said the boy. " You young blockhead," cried the
pedagogue, " what example can you give of such a thing ?"
" I can tell you, sir," interrupted Scott, " there's a verse in
the bible which says, "they bound Sampson with withs,"