The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-06-17 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

A GOOD APPETITE —A nobleman hal a house
porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said he
one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?"
Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at
most." " And how many legs of mutton ? " " Ah, as
for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
perhaps." "And fatted pallets?" " Ah, as for
pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen."
And pigeoms? " "Ab, as for pigeons, not many;
perhaps for fifty at most—according to appetite."
"And larks? " " Ah, as for that, my lord—little
larks—for ever, my lord—for ever."

CHURCH MILITANT.—In the American Army, during
the War of Independence, was a chaplain named
CAuldwell, whose wife was murdered during the sack
of a village by the British, when Koyphausen was
marauding the Jerseys. At the fight of Springfield
Cauldwell dealt retribution upon his foes. None
showed more ardour in the fight than he did. The
image of his murdered wife was before his eyes. Find-
ing the men in want of wadding, he galloped to the
Presbyterian church, and brought thence a quantity
of Watt's psalm and hymn-books, which he distributed
for the purpose among the soldiers. "Now," cried he,
"put Watts into them, boys."—lrtring's Life of George
Washington.

A SUGGESTION.—" Do you know what made my
voi,.xi so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal per-
former, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister.
"No," replied the other. "Why, then, I'll tell you:
when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident,
some train. oil." "I don't think," rejoined Bannister,
"it would have done you any harm if, st the same
time, you had swallowed a dancing master I"

A TRUE COURTIER.—One day, when Sir Isaac
Heard was in company with George 111. it was an-
nounced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting.
" Sir Isaac," said the king, "are you a judge of
horses?" "In my younger days, please your majesty,
I was a great deal among them," was the reply.
"What do you think of this, then ?" said the king, who
was by this time preparing to mount his favourite;
and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we call
him Perfection." "A most appropriate name," replied
the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the
saddle, " for he bears the best of characters."

A DUTCH WITNESS.—"What is your tams ?"
" Vel, I calls mineself Fred, but maybe so—l don't
know—it is Yawcup. You see, chudge, mine modder
she have two little poys ; one of them was mG., and one
was my broder, or one was my broder and t'other was
me, I don't know which; and I was thud so old as
my broder wat young, or my broder was chust as old
as me, I don't know which, and mine modder she don't;
and one of us was named Fred and t'other Yawcup, or
one named Yawcup and t'other Fred, I don't know
which; and one of us got died —but mine modder, she
never could tell whether it was me or mine brocler
what got died; so, chudge, I does not know whether
I am Fred or Yawcup—and mine modder, she don't
know,"
INGENIOUS REPLY' OF A SOLDIER.—A soldier in the
army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of
thlt geiteral, who reprimanded him for it. "How am
Ito blame, general?' said the soldier. "I have the
choice of names; if I had known one more illustrious
than yours I should have taken it," .

SOXEWHAT INCREDULOUS.—Thera is, away out in
lowa, a very learned and very worthy missionary,
known as "Father T—," who is more than sus-
pected of being very fond of having his own way. He
once attempted to cross a wide, unsettled prairie, and
was compelled to "camp out" overnight. In the
morning he took the wrong course, and travelled
twenty miles due north, while he wished to go east.
Some one inquired bow it happened, as it was a clear
day, and asked him if he couldn't see the sun.—" Why,
yes," replied Father T—, "I saw the BUD, but
couldn't bring myself to believe that way was east ! "
American Paper.
CALCULATING liISKS.—" It will not do," says Sydney
Smith, "to be perpetually calculating risks, aad ad-
justing nice chances. It did all very well before the
Flood, when a man could consult his friends upon an
intended publication for a hundred and fifty years ;
but at present a man waits, and doubts, and hesitates,
and consults his brother, and his uncle, and his first
cousins, and particular friends, till one day he fads
that be is sixty-five years of age—that he has lost so
much time in consulting first cousins and his particular
friends, that he has no time left to follow their
advice."
A GOOD CIGgR.—An odd bit of dialogue occtrrs in
a French novel :—"Where is your husband?" asks a
gentleman.—" He went out to buy a cigar," replies
the lady.—" Has he been one long ?"—"Eighteen
years."—" He is quite right," remarks the gentleman,
philosophically; he wants to choose a good one."
A COMITANDMENT.—The evening before a battle, an
officer asked Marshal Toiras for permission to go and
see his father, who was at the point of death. "Go,"
said the marshal, who saw through his pretext;
"honour thy father and thy mother, that thy dais
may be long in the land."
VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE —At a dinner party, One
of the gusete used his knife improperly in eating. At
length a wag asked aloud: " Have you heard of poor
L---=ES sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday,
when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the
knife, and —" " Good heavens !" interposed one of
the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?" "Why, no,"
answered the relator, "he did not cut his throat with
his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually
put it up to his mouth.'
CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE—George Selwyn, hap-
penirg to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to culti-
vate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was
in the habit of meeting at tbe Rooms. In the height
of the following reason, Selwyn encountered his old
associate in St. James's street. He endeavoured to
re-
collect me ?'' exclaimed the cuttee. "I recollect you
pass unnoticed, but in vain. " What ! don't you
"and when I next go to
13BeartfleactIly'sithraelpi lbeedmSoelswt yhnap; py to become acquainted
with pou ("gain."
A CLIMAX —A clergyman was addressing his hearers
with some warmth regarding the gre It power which
the devil exercises over the minds of men generally, and
`net as he had come to a climax on this point a be-
i'dered dog, which had entered the church in search
of his mss-er' uttered a loud bark, when, with a flash
in his eye, atd giving the Bible b oird a tremei dem
thump, the reverend gentleman exclaimed, "Ali, yes,
my friends! the feul fiend is so bent on recruiting his
ranks that be sent that dog in here to-day to interrupt
my speaking, and carry away your minds."
PROGNOSTICATOR OF EVIL.—A cat 'setter who Wlte
always prognosticating evil to himself, was one day
e
upon the roof of a five-etary upou which rain
had fallen. The roof being slippery, he lost hi foot-
kg, and as he was descending towards the eave' he
exclaimed, "Just as I told you!" Catching, however,
in the tin spout, he kicked off his shoss and regained
'
plaee of safety, from which he thus delivered himself,
"j know'd it—there's a pair of floes goue to thunder.
Wye So-C ALLED —Straws, junior, gives the follow-
ing dialogue. It ehowe up the weakness of human
nature, Even where people gather together to please
and be p`eased ; but it is sharp, and rather too true :
" The masculine world is made ire' of two classes," said
a clever young lawyer—very much diseusted at being
deserted for a " daucing man"—" those with brains
and those with heels, and I find that the latter have
the in-ide track with the ladies."—" The feminine
world is made up of two classes," replied a lady ;
"those with brains and those with pretty faces, and I
find that the latter are favourites with the men
" You are rigllt, and so am I," continued the lawyer.
"What do you suppose the next generation will be?"
—" Apes," answered the lady. Those two individuals
went home in a harpy frame of mind.