The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1855-08-21 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

FLATTERY iS a description of base coin which few
have the discrimination to detect and refuse.
THE PLEASANTEST SORT OF CHRISTMAS BILLS.—
The bills of the pantomimes.
THE MOST UNPOPULAR COMPOSITION.--A composi-
tion with one's creditors.
PEOPLE who wish to lead peaceful lives should never
go to balls, for hops produce great bitterness.
CHIMNEY SWEEPING is a dirty trade ; yet if a man
takes to it it is sure to soot him.
MODERN BABES OF THE WOOD.—Those children
whose maintenance is provided by the board.
VEGETARIAN'S PRINCIPAL FOOD.—Gammon and
spinach.
IT seems odd that in a game at cricket any eleven
can make a score. _ .

WHEN a groom gives his steed the choice of beans
or oats, what does he do but put the carte before the
horse ?

y~vWHY is a cricket on the hearth like 4 soldier in the
Crimea F—Because he often advances under a brisk
fire.
REFLECTION is a flower of the mind, giving out
wholesome fragrance. Reverie is the same flower
when weak and running to seed.
" I Ali thy fathers's spirit !" as the bottle of whisky
said to the Glasgow weaver's boy when he found it
hid under the bed on Saturday night.
NEW Music.—An American paper says one of their
enterprising mechanics has invented the art of ren-
dering the steam whistle musical—thus making those
nuisances quite as ornamental as useful.
QUEIZIES.—If a cab is hired by a pretty girl who has
seenbetter days, is she to be considered a reduced fare?
—Would a poultry-fancier be unable to ride in his
carriage in England because he keeps his Coach-in-
China ?—The proverb says that " Patience is a virtue."
If a surgeon has no patients, does it therefore follow
that he has no virtue P

A LOST LOVER.—lmagination paints him in bril-
liant colours, and hope tantalizes the pining bosom by
saying how happy it might have been. His faults,
his vices are covered with the mantle of charity ; and
the demon is transferred into an angel of light. It is
a perverse propensity of nature to do this. Time and
another cure the malady.
INSURMOUNTABLE.—I once dissuaded a youth from
entering the army, on which he was bent, at the risk
of breaking his mother's heart, by asking him how he
would prevent his sword from getting between his
legs. It quite staggered him ; he never solved the
difficulty, and took to peace instead of war.—Rev.
Sydney Smith.
THE POPULAR BENT OF THE YOUNG IDEA.—On a
Sunday evening recently a clergyman of the eastern
district of London was examining the congregational
school. The subject was the fall of Jericho. "Have
we not a city to take ?" inquired the rev. gentleman.
—" Yes, sir," promptly answered a little boy.—" What
city ?" continued the clergyman.---" Why," answered
the little fellow with energy, " we have Sebastopol to
take !" _ _ •

NORTH AND SOUTH.---(Scene---The Mountainous
Country on this side the Cheviots.)---Gentleman from
the South : " Can you tell me which way the hounds
have gone, my good girl.---Lady from the North :
" Weel, my cannie Southron ! a vast have ganged
through the Irvine, and a vast have ganged adoun the
brae, and haflins down the howes by yon gorse-fauld,
and haflins by the birks ayont the muir, and syne a foo
ower the tristie stibble !"---Gentleman "Oh ! thank
'ee !"---Motley.