The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1855-09-25 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

THE " CIVIL SERVlCE."—Generally the most impu-
dent department of State.---Punchinello.
SOMEBODY says, " A wife should be like a roasted
lamb—tender, and nicely dressed." A scamps adds,
" and without sauce."

THE hardest thing to hold in this world is an unruly
tongue. It beats a hot smoothing-iron and a kicking
horse considerably.
" IT is a curious fact," say some etomolooists, " that
it is only the female mosquito that torments us." A
bachelor friend jays it is not at all " curious."

, A DUTCHMAN'S DESCRIPTION OF NEW. YORK.—
Berry fine peoples---dey go about der streets all day,
scheating each oder, and dey call dat pizziness.

"You've a very striking countenance," as the donkey
said to the elephant when he hit him over the back
with his trunk.

Cuitious.--D.E.B.T. are the initial letters of " Dun
Every Body Twice." C.R.E.D.I.T. are the initial
letters of " Call Regularly Every Day—l'll Trust."
PUBLIC-HOUSE WEATHEE-GLASS.—Why is a public-
house sign like a weather-glass going backwards P
Because it is a sign that wet is not far off.

THE LIGHT OF A CHANDLER.—A chandler having
had some candles stolen, one bid him to be of good
cheer, " for in a short time," said he, " I am confident
they vill come to light."

" My German friend, how long have you been mar-
ried ?" " Vel, dis a ting vat I seldom don't like to
tauk apout ; but ven I does, it seems to be so long that
it never vas."

DEFINITION OF A GENTLEMAN.---" Mr. Jones, you
said the defendant was a gentleman ; what do you
mean by that ?"---" I mean the man that pays his
accounts the first time they are presented to him."
A RESERVATION.—A gentleman in a steam-boat
asked the man who came to collect the passage money
if there was any danger of being blown up, as the
steam made such a horrid noise. " Not the least,"
said the sharp collector, " unless you refuse to pay
your fare."
PAT'S REPLY.—Visiting Dublin a short time ago, I
inquired of a native whom I met which was market-
day ? " Sure, bless your honour," replied the Hiber-
nian, " every day is market-day here." " Why, Pat,"
I replied, " what is dealt in on Sundays ?" " Prayers,"
was the smart repartee, " and the priests make us pay
mighty dear for them too."
MR. DOBBS says that beauties generally die old
maids. They set such a value on themselves, that
they do not find a purchaser till the market is closed.
Out of a dozen beauties who have come out within the
past eighteen years, eleven, he says, still occupy single
bedsteads. They spend their days in working green
dogs on yellow wool—while their evenings are devoted
to low spirits and Tupper's Philosophy.

PAYING FOR GROWING --In reply. to a lady who
thought there was no harm in bringing over a small
quantity of lace, the officer said she must have been
aware that all things of foreign growth must be paid
for. A wag who was standing by, stroking his chin,
remarked, Oh, if that is the case, lam afraid I shall
have something to pay for my boy." " How so P"
was the query of the official. " Because," replied the
wag, " since he has been on the continent he has
grown three inches."
CLEVER BOY."••••'" Napoleon Alexis Dobbs, come up
here and say your lesson. What makes boys grow ?"
"It is the rain, sir." " Why do not men grow ?"
" Because they carry an umbrella, which keeps off the
rain." " What manes a young man and a young