The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1867-12-24 00:00:00

' How should he cut it without a knife,
How shouW be marry without • wife?

which brings us book to our common friend, Mr
Jones. He seems apprebensive'of the latter diffioulty'
and has taken his measures sooordingly. What 'Mal
we to ladies ?—do, pray, tell me what we shall do to
meet his very considerate proosedings
'II we each of us,' Miss fitspbene benevolently
suggested, ' brought • separate aim for breach of
promise of marriage against him?'
'Poor fellow! No.' objected Goody; ' that would
be too cruel • punishment.'
' Let us chop him into mines-meat,' said Laura
Leeson.
' And eat him afterwards,' Km. Tssobwood
added. "It is just that we'll do. We olu shop
him into mines-meat. Only let me manage the affair,
and we we will treat our indiscriminate admirer to
• mem which be may find savoury, if not sweet.
Will you be guided by me, young ladies? Ho you
accept wir for your coodnander-iudind?'
"We do! We do I' was the general reply, with
only one di/seating voice.
' You mud oot be so ver-rce cr•r-rnel, mot chbres
lemoisellic,' it erpostulated. l shall nevere, no
aever shall I sec poor Mister° Howard put to debt.'
'0 yea you will though,' said 'tonna Toottwood,
in • tone which implied that implies obdieoce was
to follow. • 1 shall go and consult your mamma
&hitt it—indeed the rest of your mammas in general.'

• n. Sunday next before Advent. So Galled by
housewives who owlet separate the religious from the
ham obeterreaote el the yea.
•

Mr, Jones, as far as his memory would help him,
certainly did Dot find next day that his seining's
amusement bole the morning's reflection. But he
was sot very clear as to what had emu red. His
eyes were heave, and his thoughts confuted; but he
I had • strong impression that he had made a fool of
himself. He had rushed coarsely and irreverently into
matters, where creatures tuperior to himself, with-
out being angels, might well hesitate to treed. It
was as if he had cried on the houstops, or advertised
in the Time's W anted, • young "person" (that is
the phrase—a 'person' in vernacular English being
of the feminine gender only) to complete Mr.
Howard Jones's preparatory schooling, to take ears
be does not fall out of • two-pair window, and to
make herself generally useful to • young gentleman
of fortune and feeble intellect'
Had he talked indiscreetly to one girl only, the
mischief would have been bad enough ; but when he
remembered that he had said, be did not remember
what, to he did not at all remember how many, he
fell into • lit of deep repentance. He wished he
hadn't doom it; yes, that he did. What to do now
he did not know, and would have given something
to anybody that would tell him. His tweak fast
muffins got cold and leathery before • riding ray
had enlightened hie soul. His groping. in the dark
were suddenly Warranted by the sheep short stroke
of the postman's knock.
Mr. Jones's nor respondence was not large. The pod
seldom brought him much besides his monthlies,
his weeklies, and his daily paper. Written invita-
tions have an aspect of their own ; cards in envelopes
speak for themselves; Mr. Jones was therefore
startled at beholding the silver slyer decorated with
four uomistakahle billets-.t.. The first was rose
oink, with a blush-white seal ; the second was blue-
gray, sealed with bottle-green wax, which had either
been clumisly smeared in the ecalmg, or the writer
had intended to send a 'kiss.' The third was of
ordinary cream-laid paper, with a big family seal of
varmillion wax. The fourth, of stout white ivory
paper, bore three different seals of three different
ham, and had altogether a formidable official look,
as if it came from the Board-room of some Lichee
Mutual auti•jilt Assurance Society.
With • beating heart be took the reee-pink
eavelope, opened it, and read as follows:

Tonobwood prosente her compliments to Hr.
Howard Jones, and acoording to invitation, proposes to
have the pleasure of lunching with him at two o'clock
this afternoon. Whatever pie she, Miss Touchwood,
partskes of, she strongly advisee Mr. Howard Jones to
eat bumble pie. In that ewe, though deserving to fear
the worst, she leniently allows him to hope the best.'
'Fl.' Minim pie V he muttered. ' I now re-
member mince pie was running in my head ; bow it
was made; whether young ladies ever made it now;
whether they ever ate it; whether it was better
before Christmas or altar. Confound mince pie, and
everything belonging to it! "Though deserving
to fear the worst." That means her two big brothers,
vonloosa I don't care much for them ; I care more
for her. " Leniently allows him to hope for the
best" The beet That's impossible. She's too
pretty by half ever to 'wept me. She isn't tall—
black-brown hair and hazel eyes—quite a little thing
in fact. I could carry bet about in my arms ; glad
of the job too And so sharp I Knows what she's
about;
nothicg to the other girls! Ah Let us see what
we have in this one.'

The bottle-green seal was broken without any
response to the missive kiss ; and with some difficulty
Mr. Jones deciphered a series of pothooks, which,
being interpreted, stood thus :
Deer sir,—l little thought you wooi wound my hart
by such an ace of cruel faltewnod as to ask other
yodellers to tact. off your mince py. You propose it to
mee the first of awl, and I shall airtainly come to claim
me rites at too a cloak this after none. I hope by this
time you sea your error in not beetorring your pylon
ono young Lady Only who is deer Sfr yours to come
sad

' NORAH LOPGCRAIIPS.'

"Billy creature muttered Jones, somewhat
oontemptuously, 'to scones me of "cruel falsewood"
and of brstowing my" preen" more than one young
lady. I'm. girl, nevertheless ; perhaps, however, a
little too long. If she should really be fond of me !
Poor thing! I shouldn't much wonder.' And he
complacently took unction to hie soul at the idea of
that pleasing incident. It even made him forget his
troobleu for a moment.
'But what'a this double-crested affair?' he asked
himself, as his eye caught the brilliant seal bearing a
tiger rampant and a blazing bombshell.
His eyes opened very wide as he read

' near sir,—ln crier to advert unpleassnt conse-
quences from yonrself, and to avoid giving PCCA.iOI3 for
ill-natured gossip, I have been advised to swept the
invitation you no pregoinsly gave me for two o'clock
thi day, the 2.th of November.
'lt is nemllcas to say that minas pie is to me • matter
of perfect iudifferenoe (indeed I regard it as u.erely a
pret-st), pn.voled your exclanation be sati.fsctory.
As I cannot suiipoct you of the baseness of trifling with
• younv girl's !nib affeetions, I therefore remain, sir,
until two o'clock, .

'Your obedient sorvant,
'SARAH STEPHEMI.

'l' S.- -Alter our int+ rview, Paps will tall spasm-
paniel by his Itgal advher, at any hour you plesse to

As for the letter with the triple seals, it turned
out, on inspeotion, t 3 he a joint communication from
Laura, Goody, and Wilke. Pe.itoee It eist forth
their wrongs, reproached him nith cm n eltyand, also
announced the visit of the trio at two.

It was already past one in the afternoon. The fall
of them thunderbolts was therefore imminent. A
bright idea suddealy struck him. Red be ' not at
home' actually.•id not merely hypothetically and in
theory. He would go out and breathe thaw, to
calm his nerve' and get an appetite for dinner.
Before he could execute the mancsavre, a carriage
drove up to the door, which, being opened, admitted
three dowels to the entrance-hall, where he had to
come to take his bat and gloves.
' Here I am, sir,' said Mim Touchwood, offering
her hand, • acoording to promise.'
'And I too,' Marsh added, very lackadaisically.

' And I likewise, at you; service sir,' said.the
Stephens, with • curtsey of the stiffest quality.
'And here,' continued Emma, are our three
young injured friends, supporting each other in Mr.
Leeson's carriage. How d'ye do. dors? We've
met to perform a painful task. Let us proceed at
once to the Council Chamber, the Court of Justice—
the drawing room, Mr. Howard Jones, your arm,
if you please, sir.'
The swain obeyed, and led the way to the apart-
ment in which be could easily goer his own con-
demnation was to be pronounced. While mounting
the stairs his companion whispered, ' Be • man,
Howard Jones, and not • boy; be as oheerfal as your
will let bou ; attend to what I say and do
acid don't be afraid of • few merry girls.'
He thanked her with a look of such intelligence
as to indicate that his young ideas were beginning
to shoot.
'Take your rats ladies,' Mile Toochwood said,
addressing them as soon ss the drawing-room was
Jezebel, and assuming the °Mee of Presidente with.
out waiting to he voted into the chair. ' The culprit
—a great oulprit, isn't he ?—is before you. His only
hope lies in surrendering unconditionally —in
throwing himself 'upon your mercy. In token of
which, sir, go into that coroner, and, by way of
humiliation, sit on • stool there and repeat some
edifying nursery rhyme.'
Howard Jones took the hint like one inspired. He
went into the coroner, squatted down on • footstool,
and humorously acting his pad repeated :
' Little Jack Horner,
Sat in • cierner,
Rating • Christmas, Pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled oat a plan,
Baying" What s good boy am l!'"
The girls laughed heartily at Jones's mimicry—a
talent of which they never suspected him capable—
and the laugh put them into even better humour than
they were before.
' Come from your corner, good boy Horner,' the
little presidente commanded. Take your seat, sir,
before US on the music-stool of repentance. Sister
Stepneoe, counsel for the prosecution, the prisoner is
at your disport.'
'I wish him well out of it,' Nonh sighed.
You remember the offer you made me last
night?' his accuser asked him in • tone of severity.
'You shake your head as if you didn't. You
don't? Well, I do; and it's my turn now, sir. I
have a metaeram —• metastrun, sir—here which has
been published; and unless you game it
correctly in all its °banger I shall hold you to your
proposal and its consequences. Listen:

' De•p botersta, not oil. the land,
On four well balano'd legs I stand.
Half consonanta, half. vowels. Try

To goes' my aeoret hbitory.
Dark I am as Sheba's gimes ;
As wealthy too; *ith silver sheen
I often glitter. Goma and gold
Ull/0011, bedeck my bosom cold.'

' Theis a delightful puzzler,' said Laura Lesson.
' I wonder whom admirer, whose gallant knight,
Mr. Howard Jones will prove himself now. Will he
be Miss Stephanie after all?'
Miss Tonoltwood, passing before him, as if to
reach a book of print', turned her head towards him
and, in a whisper inaudible to the °then, bresthed
out 'rms.'
Miss!' &boated Jones, clasping his kande with
joy, sad yet scarcely daring to believe his ears.
How very provoking I He has mooed it right,
sad Slew Stephens in great surpnse. 'it ie •
wino. But there is more to follow. lt goes oa
thus: listen spin:
—Change my first letter, and I am
What made the worthy sire of Ham
Forget himself ;
Hers Miss Tooohwood slyly traced with her daps
oa Jones's opso hand the lotus W. Mims filtspasas
ooatiaoad
—what made Jesse (Howard)
So base a knave, so sea • °Dna.
As to persuade • helpless wawa.
That he was serious wham be said,
That he with her weld ma Mime Pie,
Until It were his lot to die,
Of love--ealess M ladigaditat.
Or dtiak, co—'

' Wine t' again limited JOINS, delighted. It's no
nee going on with the metagram any further, The
answer to this change most be wine r
'The cap fits,' said his questioner sharply. 'I was
going to give him kin., and line, and bine, and sine,
and tine, and vine, to exercise his ingenuity; bat,.
as he says, it's of no no nee now. Ha ham got toe
clue, and I give it up. He's se 'cute this afternoon
ss--a knitting-needle.'
'But mayn't I tease him,' asked fair Petitose,
'with my cr-r-rose questions and my or-r-rooked
Amman?'
'And mayn't I tell him,' Laura inquired, 'my
horrible story about Madame Bluechignoo, who
murdered her husbands and kept their scalps in a
Ciolet to make new chignons, when—'
'After what has happened,' Miss Toooliwood in-
terrupted, 'it is needless to beat lougar about the
bush. Of worse he must marry one of
'Certainly,' replied Goody, streak with the idea;
it oonld not well be otherwise. The only difficulty
now will be to decide which of us is to have the
honour of his hand.'

'Which of us, if you please, young ladies,' Mies
Touchwood asked, raising her voioe—' which of us
is to undertake the task of rearing this young gen-
tleman to the age of reason!'
' Perhaps the best way will be to draw lots for
him,' little Laura Leeson diffidently suggested. 'I
will write each of our names on six bits of paper;
, will fold them all exactly alike; we will put them
into that China vase, shake them well up, and
permit the dear creature to draw for us blindfold on
big knees.'
'That won't do,' interposed Miss Touchwood.
'lt will be far too great a condesoension on our part
to let him draw for us. Take six eizaLir pietism of
paper; write him name on one; fold them alike,
shake them well together in the vase, and then
we'll draw to see who is to have him—for worse, as
there is little chance of his becoming better.'
'That would be quite a proper mode of proceed.
tug, said Milli Stephens, still persisting in her re-
sentment; only if I were to get him, I should not
know what to do with my prise. It would be like
winning an elephant or catching a Tartar—no,
nothing half so civilised as • Tartar—but • lout who
thinks it fun to make fools of poor simple inexpe-
rienced gi-gi-girls, who has no sense of v-gallantry
—.' The sentence was finished with the aid of
sobs and the embroidered pocket-handkerchief.
Howard Jones looked round to see if it were not
possible to retreat into • cupboard, or to bolt up the
chimney, or to take a harlequin's leap out of the
window. But no cupboard was risible there, only
shelves laden with china and other fragilities ; the
coals in the patent fireplace bland far too fiercely,
and the hole by which the nooks escaped was math
to small, to allow of his exit that way. As to the
window, he well remembered that its height above
tbe level of the gravel path was considerable. So be
remained where he was, resigned to his fate, at the
mercy of his fair tormentors. Perhaps, however, he
was s little sustained by a glance of noonragement
from Miss Touohwood's eyes.
'Don't take on, so, dear,' said Laura to Sarah,
who continued to ply her embroidered handkerchief.
Tisn't likely you'll win him; six to one against
you. No more shall I. I never did yet win the
least little thing at • raffle; there isn't therefore the
slightest dna» of my ever winning that great thing
there. But you know, dear, though the lottery will
be binding upon him, it need not be so upon us. If
we don't like to follow it up, we can getout of it by
referring to our pas and our maa '
'True, Laura, dear; I never thought of that. I
wout't give way to abeolate demair. There is a
means of escape out of the monster's clutches.' And
the handkerchief found its way beck at last into its
natural hiding-place.
'Thee you give the Door fellow no choice at all,'
iota-poised tall Nash Longchamps, in a lachrymose
tope. 'Perhaps in his heart he may have some little
preform:* of his own.'
'Nonsense!' said Emma Touchwood, sharply.
'How should a helpless creature like that bays any
heart, or any choice! Look at him; if he had any
preference, and I begin to suspect that he has • pre-
ference (this was said with a stern glance at Noah
and a much less severe look at the penitent young
gentleman)--' if be did presume to have • preference
under the circumstances, do you think that he would
dare to express it?'
'I fear not,' responded Noah with a sigh; 'but
how some girls do carry all before them!'

'For yiiur good, ;on. mule Maypole,' retorted
Emma. ' What would you do with such a thing as
that' You'd be a ootiple of grown•up Reber in the
Wood, with no need of any cruel uncle to stray you
in the wilderness of this wicked world. You'd only
want • robin redbreast to oome and toyer you up
with leaves!'

Never zaind,' persisted Norah ; ' it is very hard,
if he wishes to select—'

'Corn., Man Longohamps,' said Laura, Lashing ;
the lots are reedy; you see it's all fair. Here is
the vu.; and if you're afraid of dying an old maid,
you have your chance of escape now, as well as the
rest of us.'

'Shake them up well,' said Sarah Stephen.; I
tremble to think of the consequences.'
• I cannot help trembling too,' said little lam,
'although I'm sore I scarcely know why!'
'Stop ! said Miss Touchwood, with a sudden out.
burst of self-devotion for the general good. • Unless
you wish it and insist upon it, ladies we will not
proosed further with this unpleasant business. I see
a way of avoiding the *rani trial. It will be best
not to leave the result to chance. Some of rat seem
apprehensive of what may occur. Well, lam not;
so I will relieve you of your tiers. I sacrifice myself
for your common welfare: I will marry Mr. Howard
Jones.'

_
Poor Jones looked up like the negro (now
historical) formerly painted on an emancipation
banner, whom an emancipator, unfastening his
fetters, bids 'Be free!' He clearly preferred having
one dictstreso to being at the mercy of half. dozen
plagues.
Dear me! dear me I' groaned North Longohamps.
Shetakes him of her own accord, without giving
anybody else • chance I What a girl! Without
even asking his consent, or inquiring if he doesn't
like some other girl better!'
Laura Leeson breathed • sigh of relief, as if her
oonsoienos were unburthened of • heavy respon-
sibility. The other girls giggled right merrily.
Sarah's giggle only was not merry, suggesting rather
that the handkerchief might once more be put in
requisition.
" Allow me to explain the grounds of my resolve,'
Emma Touchwood gaily continued. As we are
alone, young ladies, I don't mind telling you that I
have always determined, if ever I get married, to
wear the—the— crown and sceptre. No hectoring.
cow-killing husband for me; I should very won put
him in his place. Not that I should object to • hero
like Hercules; neither should I want him to ply the
distaff and the spindle; bat he must acknowledge
me as his ruling power. He may play the king as
mach as he plume, provided thit I am viceroy over
him. I had rather he queen of the Cannibal Islands
than housemaid to the brother of the Sun and Moon.
You MS, then, young ladies, it would be turning my
back on Providence to let slip such • chance as this;
especially as, at the same time that it suite my
purpose, it saves you from having to take a painful
step. Nay, some of you even, if I may believe
my ears, would utterly refute to take it.
Miss Stephens looked up with an expression of
countenance which was anything but affirmative;
while North ventured to expostulate, 'You must
not be quite eo sure of that.'
'in respect to you, dear, lam not sure at all ;
but we'll make it up to you by-arid-by. You shall
have my elder brother, Sir Harry, if you like, after
you have learned to spell. He's nearly as big a
booby as Howard, and much better looking. You'll
then he Lady Touchwood, while I shall be plain
Mrs. Howard Jones—a good old Welsh name
theism'. Jones and John's, (that is John's son or
John's daughter) is quite as ancestral as the 0' of the
Irish. or the Mao of the Scotch. Will that comfort
you the least in the world?'
' Well, ye—se? It is better than—'
• Much better than nothing, you wisely think. It
it is better for you than Howard Jones would be ;
because I shall be there to take care of you
both—of booby brother and maypole sister-in-
law. For it is understood, dear, that in all ordinary
matters you mill pay us the compliment to consult
us—Howard and. me.' I
. . . . . .

,7—si;lifiloish, wiping her eyes. 'But
are you quite our* that Mr. Jones will—will hays
your
'Mr. Howard Josses!' said the lady appealed to,
in not an imperious but • decided tone of voice.
'ye., Mime Tottohwood,' said the gentleman,
immediately answering to the call.
'Will you, Howard Jones, take me Emma Touch-
wood, for your wedded wife?
'Mod certainly I will, with the greatest of
plasmas.'
'Say simply "I will," if you please. It ii moos
formal and businessliks, though lies palls.'
. . . .

• -
' 1 will,' was the obedieut response.
'Will you, Howard Jones, verve, honour, and obey
we, Emma Touchwood Will you love and cherish
me in sickness and in health, forsaking all other,
until death us do peat?
I will,' was age= very cheerfully replied.
' Very good. Then 1, Emma Toochwood, for my
part, agree to take you, Howard Jones, for my
wedded husband, to love me, and serve me and
cherish me, and the rest of it, until death 'Jo di :part.
—1 think that is what is called • bargain?
'A sharp one whispered Sarah to her neighbour.
Which I am ready to fulfil at the esrlieat
tacit,. There's no occasion, Howard, to
ring. This, owe my dear mother's, fit- any
the
I shall only want a pretty guard t• ts• mulct' 1.
place, and se a token of our es • ••• Keep it in it!
of your affection.' itagement and • proof

er
~and and tined it—not the moot
thing be oould do—and @imply
nettur:irdoardthr ungra.:7ll-11

words, • Thia-very 'Toeing.

.Ne
TO-MCNITOW will be time *Rough.'
But haven't you another brother whom yes eon
woe, deer Emma, (or me r the nameless yosug lady
archly inquired. I bops you will not quite
your old sobooLfellow sod Gem your demon triZtr
'Why you know I ham, Goody dem. There's my
yongor brother Tom, the very thing for you lie's
on
a booby, no man tims I am myuslL Mammas

Property (you zany bare heard the wee an belies)
was settled on the second son. Toni is fond of a
country life—shooting, and fishing, and vineries, and
melon beds; and when once be gets on the magis-
trate.' loath, he wouldn't change his little Squiredom
for an Empire. Heigh, Goody dear! what do you
say to that, if I con manage it?'
Goody said nothing but blushed nay red, and sad-
dimly fell into deep reflection.
' I think Torn even better looking than Harry,'
Emma continued, as coolly as if she were giving her
opinion of an eligible residence or a becoming dress;
' and he ia very nearly as well off in the world. Only
you won't be lady Toooliwocd, nor even (as your
father isn't an earl) Lady Goody Touchwood. So
you will have to make op your mind to that priva-
tion, my pretty sister, Mrs. Tom Touchwood that is
to be.'
'Pie, Emma; as if loused for such things!'
'— As titles, not much, my deer; as • husband,
perhaps • wee tiny tootle, end no crime committed
either. Rot the fatigue and excitement we have un-
dergone will make • little refreshment vety acceptable.
I requested it to be prepared beforehand. We have
only to open the folding doors.'
She motioned to Mr. Jones to do so, and then roes
to lead the way to • table laden with • five o'clock
tea, besides displaying • large mince-pie surrounded
with seven minor pieleta.
'There is a whole mince-pie for each of to, to quiet
our consciences, including Howard's ; and thereto the
good substantial pie for the community to out and
oome again. lam mare we have all of no fairly earned
it. Have I not done right, Howard, in ordering
this?' she asked her future husband, as calmly and
quietly as if they had been married half-a-dozen
years.

- '1 will,' replied the bewildered young gentleman,
in whose head his late interrogatory was running.
'That is, I beg your pardon, you have done quit
right, Mis Tonohwood. It is exactly what I should
have done myself, if I bad only had the sense to
think of it.'

She rewarded him with an approving smile.
'When all is over and settled,' she added, addreeeing
her friends, ' you will swept some better entertain-
ment than this—at which I particularly wish to pre-
sent to MiesStepliens, • cousin of mine whom we are
expecting from the Caps. He's only • captain, not
very rich, and is getting old —be must be turned of
thirty; but he's &capital fellow, neverthelees, and I
know he would like to sell his commiseion and settle
down. But we shall nit be gone bog; shall we,
Howard? This is not the time of year for a very
extended wedding trip; is it. Howard? Besides,
I don't want to lose the New Year's parties, and we
shall have plenty of business upon our hands. We
will try, however, to give you as good winos pies
after Christmas as you have had before it. By the
way, Howard, please out up the large pie and hand
it !round.'
9 will, dear Emma; I will, I will I'
A few minutes afterwards, a thundering knock at
the door was speedily followed by load laughter in
the hall, and the sound of footsteps rushing upwards.
It was young Sir Harry and his brother Tom Touch.
wood, followed by the three brothers Leeson. Then,
more knocks, preceded by the rambliog of wheels,
61Ied the drawing•room with • party of smiling
LIAM MAL

'Glad to see you. ladies,' said Emma, still doing
the honours; but it is finished now. There is no
more mince pie. It is all done ;_all.'

'At least give u a cup of tea,' yousg Sir Harry
aod.let an have a little dame over the crumbs.'

• Dat is bettor din patting Misted. Jones to debt.
1 ball play, said smiling Petitme, a pr•r-ret y
Miaoe-Pie Waltz for von all to daaos to.'—Christrass
number of London &lady.