The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1878-05-28 00:00:00

HINTS 011 ITIQUITZ.

Friendly calla should always be made when least
wished for.
Ills looked upon as •delicate act of attentiou during
• edl of condolence forth, caller to offer his pocket-
to the afflicted. A very intimate friend may
being In • pot of porter.
A visit sifter • party should be made before breakfast
next morning. Endow your card in your bat, and
ling it up at your friend'e besiroutn-window. If he
does not wake, leave your card at the uearest lamp-
Peat
If you think • friend's eervants are indolent, it le •
kindness to him to give • runaway ring every time you
paw hie house.
Keep your bat on your head in &drawing room until
you are requested to take it off. In that case do as you
please.
When a lady enters a drawing-room, the gentlemen
present should rose and play leap-frog.
Never enter a drawing.room on a bicycle.
The last arrival, if no other seat be vacant, must
place himself upon the mantelpiece.
A lady is n. t required to kiss any gentleman visitor
above the age of 60.
When your visitor retires ring the bell for the servant,
and bid him look after the @peons.
When you introduoe • person, say whatever you can
to make the introductlin agreeable. Such as, "An
old schoolfellow of ours, don't you remember' who says
you're still the biggest muff out.
When you have • diffident visitor, put him at his
sloe by Inviting your other friends to assist you in
making himself at home.
A lady need not state on her visiting-card how many
children she has, and whether they have been
vaccinated.
It is not usual for gentlemen to take off their boots
In company.
DOOSKT'S
Ben bossy MIL by profeseion, a working-man. He
belonged to • Trade Colon which continually called on
Its members to strike; Mr& B. w..rkerl wonderfully
hard as a charwoman, when not disabled by one of her
lord and master's punches ; so that the hero of this
narrative made life as nearly as possible "all beer and
akittlee."
But, for his failings as a working-man, Ben made up
by his ability as • politician. On Clerkenwell Green,
rs- other " classic ground," he delivered orations which,
for force of figure, roild scarcely have yielded the
palm to those of l'etnnethenes himself.
In the weekly 111.Ualli011 at the "Toad in the Hole"
Ben was • central figure. Bursting with eloquence, he
would exclaim: Feller countrymen, rise up for yer
rights! down with tams anil the bloated wampires of
haristocrats as imposes 'ein ! Why Phould we work as
we does while they rolls in luxury" Awl, regardless
of the fact that Ben worked, on the average, lees than
eighteen hours • week, his hearers would remark,
" Ben's got a bloowin"ed piece. They only wants
one or two like 'ins at Westminster ; he'd wake 'em up
a bit."

-.-
One evening Ben rolled—l mean walked—him e,
reflecting deeply on • more than smelly successful
oration he had delivered, and on the motility if
reepeetahle invtitationa and people in general. Arrived,
like another Cincinnatua, at his humble abode, after
giving '• t h., old wom.in 'a ' .lapin the jor " for daring
to oh op f .r him (the pirt,ionii night he had ximilnrly
gebuketi her for going to bed), he retitlel his pipe and
mauled on Ike no kintinerP of Fate in not making him a
kliniater inntesd ttf ri working-man.
• •

What a glorious revolution I and lien gloried in the
'set i s..as log leen its chief promoter. AU forum of
A.oernment were diapensed with ; all the money in the
realm had been equally distributed by the Chancellor
of the Exchequer previous to retirement (Ben wanted
that job himself, bet his staunchest disciples objected),
and universal tajuality was declared.
He was strolling down Pall Mall with several of his
1:11114011," gloriously happy in having nothing to • In,
and only discontented at haring nothing to grumble
about, when someone touched him on the shoulder., and
turning. he beheld the quondam Countess of Piccadilly.
•-• Oh, please," said the little ex,untess, "you look like
.s working-man, would you mind mending my sauce-
pan My servants have all left, and I don't know
where to buy a new oni!, and I've got to get the emik
dlliwner ready by six o clock !" "Get out wi' yer."
replied our horn, why should I work for your And,
remembering that under the new order the countess
was no more than hi.' old woman," he struck her a
blow in the cheek, which brought the bright Norman
blood to her pretty mouth.
But, unfortunately for Ben, the Earl of Piccadilly,
who ha coned to be passing, darted acme the street,
asid pitched into him right and kit, heaving him bleed-
bland 'Wooed on the pavement.
' 'rake in. to a doctor," said Ben, when be "cam.
to," eeni his mates old so • but the doctor, like Ben,
stenlined ko work, as everybody was equally rich, which
refusal caused Ben to swear emphatically.
He then determined to bring an action against the
swell " who had knocked him about, but the lawyers
tied followed the example of the doctors, and struck.
"Well, I'm blast!" said Ben to his "pals," " 'ere's
a set o' lazy warmin ! Waver mind, my 'ed's gettin'
better; let'a go all' 'IIV 0 a drop o! beer."
But, most unkindest cut of all, the publicans had all
cut their business, and as all the beer in the breweries
had been divided and consumed days ago, and the
brewers wouldn't work, not a drop of beer could be
had for love or money.
"Oh ! bust the things !" ejaculated Ben, " blowed If
this aint useer than the ole style; nobody seems to be
,;vorkin', ; and if it goes on much longer, I shalt lave
es eget Mint! ! . .

-
ticer.-nly had he uttered the above, when be warn
suddenly pinioned from behind, and found himself
eurrounded by a mob of men attired in fur cape and
sealskin uniform., and, to his intense horror, be pre-
Molly learned that, taking advantage of the general
strike of the Army and Navy, the Russians had invaded
England
"What dyer want elith me f be whined, "I aint
'lone othin, ; I'm only a poor. working man.'
"dust the fellow we want, replied an Interpreter;
we've only just arrived here, and there's plenty of
work w• can set you to do. What! you'll see me
blowed fret' Here, Donovich, bring that knout I"
In an instant Hvnk back was bared ; In another, the
heavy thong tall thud on his bare shoulders. Before it
could Vain deemed. . . he woks, and found he had
fallen .4 his chair into the fender.
_ . . . . .

-
"Wall, I'm blest !" he exclaimed, "what a rummy
dun! P'rape it's aa well thing@ is as they is." And
with :his reflection he took off hi, boota, slung them at
the sleeping form of the "old woman," and went to
bed, omeaderably staggered with regard to the politics
be had hitherto advocatad. The saddest fact in the
story is, that in his subsequent dreams the Russians
didn't complete the knouting operation.

OITIALBTIZO OFVOIDU.S.
A Dreo of the future.

Time—A few months bows. Brass—A Court of
Juetice. A fragile, wasted young creature, with
sunken eyes, and face of dastiagp.llor, Is ee'ried
into Court upon a Tinsley bedstead. A breathless
silence web ails, broken now and them by faint
wormers of pily and Aided nobs.
Tag JUDO.. Who is this pour afflicted creature,
and what is her °fleece
CLERK or ARRAIGN*. This is the notorious Mille.
Q—. and is charged with obtaining large rums of
money and jewellery by false and fraudulent pre-
tences; also with stealing—(goes on to reel indict-

Tee JCDOS (interrupting). Really tins is • most
distressing case. A more harrowing spectacle than
that fair blighted flower was never brought into a
Court of Justice. Ido not think she is in • fit state
to plead, much less to stand her trial and sentence, if
she eliould be convicted. 'iVbat is the natureof her

COUX9[I., V.Ht rug Dargstoexr. Meted, the prisoner
pleads guilty to the and throws himself upon
the mercy of the Court. I am inatructed that sae is
in the lad stage of consumption, and with • dangerous
affection of the heart, brought on by • cruel disappoit n-
ment and base deception by one *bolo she had fondly
cheriabed and believed in. Iliad the is a perfect
wreck; and it is certain that her boars in this vale
of tribulation me numbered and sadly few. illysteria
in Conrt, not attempted to be euntraneed-)
Tax Juno& (weeping) Poor young thug; poor
shattered lilly ! The offence being admitted, it only
remain. for me to pass sentence ; but in all my
esperknce I have never had so painful • duty to per.
form. I order the primmer to bs conAned for three
days in • private apartment of the Governor's bones,
and to bars every comfort and attention that her sed
wets demands. At the end of that term she most be
mawrjed to Nice, if her medical adviser recommends
it sad she is St the monad; otberwiee the Court will
consider what is the beat thing to be done for her.
Call the next case.
THE Passage* (in the faintest whisper). Thank
You, my lord. (Sinks back exhausted as her pillow,
and hi borne sway amid a general blubbering and
museums.)
Scans IL--Cortidor in Governor'. Home. Pomona'
barns he ea bedstead, and set down temporarily.
be stoat W&LD1111 from County J arrived too
late to ba ogled upon trial.
WiIIIDIEH. MAU I what have we got lime? Why.
blow we if it Isn't Zany Gsdeca, as we bad in se
Wooster for evrindlingloWei sad rohlwey. Why
Belly, old girt You re tab
what's yer little =now
virkillsrea e
W asnoll late leoate.lemilL) 3,17%
rems ed se ekeeliOlelly. Ocuseinuelue

well, I never; just look. (Hives hsr & backhando Ia
tbe ribs, Producing m mocii impression as on pillar
letter-hoe.) Heart disease--hs, ha! Why, she triad
it on with us, did Sally, hut it wouldn't do, 'cos You
rce she couldn't fake herself up like this. She 'eve
sucked you in a hit, she 'ave. My, won't !hey I!'ug°
when I tell them at Wooster! [Curtain.