The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1879-08-02 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

An ancient way of rocking a man to sleep was
stoning him to death. _

-
"And the iron enters my sole," said Grayhead, as
he pulled the tack out of the bottom of his slipper.
- - -

:
When ahoy sees a nice round, smooth stone lying
on the gronnd, he always thinks it rather mean that there
Isn't a yellow dog in the vicinity.

"Don't be an editor," shrieks the Boston Transcript.
"It is all very well to say, 'Don't be an editor,' but when a
man is too honest for anything else, what is he to do 2"—
Boston Argus.

A Western music publisher advertises a song about
a green grave, &c., and—apparently under the impression
that he is dealing in patent medicines—adds the following
comment:—" This song acts as a soothing balm to the be-
reaved heart and consoles the afflicted spirit. Exquisitely
touching words, which are wedded to an equally touching
melody. It finishes with a truly artistic chorus."

It is suggested to disband the American army, and
let congressmen go out against the Indians and talk them to
death.

It takes all the enjoyment out of a game of croquet
(says a Yankee parson) to hear it called "an amusement
within the reach of the feeblest intellect."

And now here comes the plaintive wailer of a New
Orleans paper, who says:—" There is general complaint
this year about the size of circus elephants. They are ex-
ceedingly small, and never kill a keeper."

"No food to spare," was the reply to a Michigan
tramp by the squire. "Can't you give me an old coat ? "
"No.'' "Or a pair of old boots?" "No." "Can't you
spare me even apair of socks?" "No." Nor a piece of
bread? " " No.', The tramp thereupon, as he pulled out a
small autograph album and presenting it to the squire, said,
"Well, if you can't do any better, have to be satisfied
with your autograph. Please use blue ink."
Recent dispatches from the South speak dis-
paragingly of the congregation of a church in Florida, which
nearly allowed its rather unpopular pastor to pay out of his
own pocket the expense of plating the front of the pulpit
with boiler iron. This reminds us of some remarks made by
the minister during a service the writer attended in
Arkansas, some years ago. He said: "I have again to
apologize for the absence of the newly engaged tenor for the
choir. Ile is expected on the next train, however, and will
be at his post next Sunday without fail. And, while I think
of it, I would suggest that the present practice of shooting
at the organist daring the service be discontinued. It is a
ridiculous habit, and annoys the congregation by filling the
church with smoke. The poor man has his faults, but he
does the best he can. Besides, it chips the new organ."

The following conversation is said to have actually
occurred at the recent loan exhibition in Albany :—Young
lady (earnestly looking at a picture across the alcove): "1
wonder if these are Landseer's ?" Young man (who hap-
pened to be near: "I thought they were dogs." Young laay
(repressing a smile): "Yes, nut they are Landseer's." Young
man' blushing and suspecting a breed of dogs unknown to
"I thought they were pointers."
THE WAY TO FLIT IT.—Father of adored one:
"Then it comes to this, sir; you have no fortune, you have
lost your appointment, you have no prospects of getting
another, and you come to ask my daughter's hand—and
fortune?" "No! suppose we put it this way—l am unem-
barrassed by wealth, and free from the cares of business,
and my future is irradiated by hope; therefore this is the
crisis when I can best devote myself to your daughter and
enjoy that affluence with which you will crown our love."
A COOL ONE !—The following conversation is re-
ported by the Philadelphia Tianscript :—" You can't smoke
in here," said a Tenth-street coudactor to a countryman, who
was pulling away vigorously at a flve-ceut. cigar in a car half
Sal of ladies. The man didn't seem to hear. "E say," said
the man of the bell-punch, in a louder key, "it you want to
smoke, come out here on the platform." "All right," re-
turned the passenger, and he stepped out. "Didn't think it
would hurt ," he *lid, Apologetically ; "seeln's there
an, ttr ,w ii, the ear to eaten fire.' "But there are
th-re." "Oh, yes. Didu% think nothin"bout that.
Might get ashes on their gowns and spite 'em." "Li isn't so
much that," explained the conductor, "but ladles object to
smoke." "Well, I didn't ask any on 'sin to smoke did I?
They needn't object before they are invited." "You don't
understand. Smoking is disagreeable to ladies." "Best
reason in the world why they shouldn't practise it. Catch
me smoking if it was disagreeable to me 1" And he tran-
quilly puffed away at his five-center.