The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1883-12-29 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

THE PROFESSOR'S JOKE.—Professor Lichtenberg
found himself one evening in a society of bores from
whom he wanted to make his escape, and was proceed-
ing towards the door when one of the company stepped
in his way and said—" Now, Profe.sor, we must hays
a joke from you, or we shan't let you stir from the
spot." The Professor replied—" Then I will tell you a
little story. One evening at dusk athief entt:re d echurch,
and when all the people bar:Cleft he set abaut tilling
his bag with all the valuables he could lay hands on.
Laden with his booty he catLe to the door, which, to his
surprise and disgust, he found locked. Seeing a stout
rope hanging near the wall he laid hold of it, hoping
by its help to reach one of the windows. The rope,
however, communicated with the belfry, and on being
pulled, set the large bell wringing", which brought a
number of people to the church, who caught the thief
red-handed before he had time to rake his escape.
The delinquent on being led away said, shaking his
fist at the bell (here the professor looked significantly
at his interrupter and suited the action to the words)
—' It is all your fault, with your empty head and
noisy tongue, that I could not get away.' And now,
sir, I wish you good evening."

AN INQUIRING MIND.—Some people have very in-
quiring minds; but few gentlemen carry their
curiosity so far as a Yankee who rang the bell of a
fashionable residence in one of the principal thorough-
fares of Philadelphia, and when the servant girl made
her appearance politely inquired, " What are you
going to have for dinner today?" The girl, thinking
the man was one of their tradesmen, and had made
the inquiry in his business capacity, innocently re-
plied, "Mutton, sir."—" Mutton I—with sauce ?
"Yes, sir."—" Ali, well! I was passing by, and
thought I would inquire. Good morning." The
servant was indignant when she came to comprehend
the man's motive, but he was too far up the street to
bear her angry denunciations."
COOL UNDER THE CIROUMSTANCES.—A gentleman
residing in a village, finding that the diminution of his
wood•piles continued after his fires were out, lay
awake one night in order to obtain, if possible, some
clue to the mystery. At an hour when all honest
fo'ks should be in bed, hearing an operator at work in
the yard, he cautiously raised his chamber window,
and saw a lazy neighbour endeavouring to get a large
log into his wheelbarrow. "You're a pretty fellow,"
said the owner, "to come here and steal my wool
while I sleep."—" Yes," replied the thief, " and I
sup; oze you would stay up there and see me break my
neck with lifting before you'd offer to come and help
me."

FAMILY WEALTH.—He had been sitting still so long
that the mother expected to find him asleep, when she
looked round and asked, "Well, Harry, what vre you
thinking of? "—"'Ma, are we rich?" he solemnly in-
quired, by way of reply.—"ln one way we are," she
said ; "your father says he values me at three mil-
lions, you at two millions, and the baby at one." That
closed the conversation on that subject; but next
morning, as Harry was getting on his overcoat, he ex.
amined the new patch which had been added, and
coolly observed, "Well, I thitk father had better
sell cf! about half of ycu or the whole of the baby,
and get the rest of us some decent clothes to put
0n.,,

SAWS FOR THE SEASON—YOU may as well have in-
digestion for a plum-pudding as for a mince-pie.
Eat a while currant-bun in haste, and repent at
leisure. A festive night is the doctor's delight. Faint
heart never won a front seat in the gallery. Two
thousand may Le company where there's room for only
fif teen hundred, but three thousand are decidedly
none. It is always darkest before the transformation
scene. All that glitters in a harlequin's costume is
not gold. When the holidays are away the panto.
mimhts play.
RELYING UPON FACT.—A. mathematical professor
had been invited by a city friend to visit him at his
residence in a certain square, and had promised to do
so. Meeting him some time afterwards, the friend
inquired of the professor why he did not come to see
him. "I did come," said the mathematician, " but
there was some mistake. You told me that you lived
in a square, and I found myself in a parallelogram; so
I went away again."
A POINTED REMARK.—Some gentlemen dining at a
table d'hdte, the conversation turned upon oysters,
which several of the company contended showed a
sagacity that argued they must have got brains. A
young man who had taken an unduly prominent part
in the conversation, to the annoyance of an elderly
gentleman, his neighbour, turned to the latter,, and
said, "Do you believe that oysters have brains? "
"Certainly I do, sir," was the prompt and pointed
reply, "since they know when to shut up,"

A FRONTIER HumourLust—Away on the extreme
Western frontier, in the foothills along Green River,
General Forsythe, of Sheridan's staff, found a
humourist during an inspection tour. He came upon
a solitary station.keeper, who lived in a hut containing
four stalls for animals and a combination parlour,
kitchen, and sleeping apartment ?fix by ten feet in
size. Over the door cutside was in large letters,
"Hotel de Starvation; one thousand miles from hay
and grain, seventy miles from wood, and fifteen miles
from water." The walls of the room were decorated
with pictures cut from police publications. Over the
door, inside, in charcoal letters a foot in length, were
the words :—" God Bless Our Home," and in another
place the notice, " Wanted—A nice young girl for
general housework, Apply within,"
RATHER MIXED.—When an old-fashioned merchant
came to look over an order, made out by his new-
fashioned clerk, the other day, he looked up over his
spectacles, and said, "James I see you have spelled
shugar without an h." "Yes, sir, that's the proper
way," "But I have speled it with an h' for the last
twenty-nine years." " Can't help that, sir, Sugar
should not be spelled with an h." "Well, perhaps it
shouldn't," sighed the old man, "perhaps it
shouldn't. I presume that this mixing in glucose
does make a difference somewileie."

ASSISTING HIS MEMORY.—A city merchant's wife
recently gave him the following letter, with ixstruc-
Mons that it should not be opened until he got to his
place of business :—" I am forced to tell you some-
thing that I know will trouble you, but it is my duty
to do so. lam determined you shall know it, let the
result be what it may. I have known for a week that
this trial was coming, but kept it tie myself until to-
day, when it has reached a crisis, and I cannot keep it
any longer. You must not censure me too harshly,
for you must reap the results as well as myself. I do
hope it won't crush you." Here he turned over to the
next page, his hair slowly rising. "The flour is all
out. Please send me some this afternoon. I thought
that by this method you would not forget it." The
husband telegraphed forthwith for a barrel of the
best flour in the market to be sent to his home
instanter.

"THE BEAUX' STRATAGII3I."—When poor George
Farquhar, the dramatist, expecting an appointment
from the Duke of Ormond, was reduced to ruin by
prematurely selling his commission in the Earl of
Orrery's regiment, he sought tho friendly advice of
Wilke, who strongly advised him to appeal to the earl
as a gentleman and a man of honour, explaining the
whole matter to him. "Failing in that," said Wilke,
"write a play," and it shall be put upon the stage
with all possible expedition." Farquhar started up
impatiently from his seat, "Write ! " he cried.
"How can you expect a broken-hearted, ruined man,
driven to and fro in the sharp anguish of desperation
to write a play ? How could I, who have not a shil-
ling, live while I even attempted it?" "True," said
Wilks, "an empty pocket might cramp your genius.
But try ; here is a little for the present to meet the
difficulty." So saying, he pressed upon his acceptance
his purse containing twenty guineas. Farquhar took
his advice and his money. A comedy was planned
out, written, cast, rehearsed, and played in six weeks.
Its title was The Beaux' Stratagem,
HIS HAIR WAS CUT IN SILENTS. —A gentleman
from Nevada stepped into 6 Philadelphia " torvorial
saloon" to have his hair cut. The barber, having
enveloped his customer's neck in towels and arranged
him in the chair, opened the conversation by saying,
"You are a little nervous, sir, I perceive. Allow me
to ray that our capillar elixir' not only covers bald
heads with-a luxurious growth of hair, but calms the
mind and restores the whole nervous system to a
healthy equilibrium. What do you do for nervous-
ness in Nevada?" The representative of one of the
principal Nevada mines looked up serenely and an-
swered, "We usually go out and kill a barber."
"Ur TO SIV UFF."—" John," said a homely old Scotch
minister to his beadle, as he was being assisted into
his gown by that indisnewable functionary in the
ve,tlr one Sabbath morning just before entering the
pulpit, "I don't know how I am to get through with
the service this morning. I have come away from the
manse and forgot icy snuff-box." " Guicisake, sir,
that'3 a peety," raid John, with deep sympathy in his
voics. "bosh, bide a 'minute till I see gin I canna
get as muckle's pit ye owns till the afternoon; " and
John disappeared, returning in a few minutes with a
curious compound in a piece of brown paper which he
carried in his hand. " Where did you get this?" eaid
the minister, eying the paper suspiciously, yet snuff.
kg up a huge pinch with a sigh of intense satisfaction.
" On, I Pet got It !" raid John, evAing the gut stiore
"But who gave you it? Where did you get it, John?'
" Weal, sir," returned the b iadle eturdily, I jiet
scrapit it up aff the flair o' he pulpit ; " aud he
marched into the church with the Bible, thus cutting
short any rebuke that might have been administered,
and compelling the minister to follow at his heels, as
the custom was.

WEARING A HAT AT COURT.—Nearly seven hundred
years ago, says an historian, Philip 11. of France
eummoned King John of England either to trial or to
mortal combat tor the murder of Prince Arthur. As
the latter cared for neither, a gallant soldier, named
Da Courcy, then languishing in prison, was set free
that he might undertake the combat, not for his king's,
but for his country's sake. The fight, however, never
took place, for Philip's champion, afraid of the gigantic
De Conroy, preferred to eacrilice honour to risking his
life. Being urged by John and Pnilip, who had come
to witness the expected encounter, to give them an ex•
hibition of his strength, De Conroy placed his helmet
upon a post, and, cleaving it with terrific force, drove
his sword so firmly into the wood that none but the
striker could withdraw it. "Never," said King John,
"never unveil thy bonnet, man, again before king or
subject." Thus the privilege of wearing the hat in
presence of the sovereign came to be enjoyed solely by
the De Courcies, Earls of Kinsale. They accented
their privilege by wearing their hat for a moment and
then uncovering.

THE GREAT LAKES OF AMERiCA, —The following
measurements of the great lakes of America have been
taken by the Government sorveynrs. r.che greatest
length of Lake Superior is 335 miles ; Its I.retest
breadth is 160 miles; mean depth, 688 feet; elevation,
627 feet; area, 82,000 square miles. The kreatest
lergth of Lake Michigr.n is 300 miles ; its greatest
breadth, 108 mites ; mean depth 690 feet ; elevation,
506 feet; area 23,G00 square mks. The greate3t
length of Lake Huron is 300 miles ; l.s great:st
breadth, is 69 miles ; mean depth, 600 feet; elevation,
274 feet ; area 20,(60 sqoare miles, The greatest
length of Lake Erie is 250 miles; its breadth, 80
miles ; its mean depth, 84 feet ; its elevation 26 feet ;
area, 6,000 square miles. The greatest length of Lake
Ontario is 180 miles ; its greatest breadth, 65 miles;
its mean depth, 500 feet; elevation, 261 feet; area,
6,000 square mil,s. The total of all five is 1 '2(15 miles,
co v ing au area of upwards of 31540 squars mass,