The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1869-12-28 00:00:00

Wren IaND or Lovii..—A. neural& elsetlen.
Why is like • reporter f —Bemuse he is fond
of hakile oats.
When i.e prison door like en wasped thief?—
When Ws 4044

What is the ALlbmit pitch of • voice P—The place
where the voice sticks.

A 111 NT.—Dress pla,nly—the tibial:id soap-bubbles
wear (Le gaudiest oulouzi.

If twenty.four grains make s penny-weigh, how
many will make • penny-ram?
When does rain seen inclined to be studious I,—•
When it's Feria( over I bouk-stall.
Why is • candle with a "longue's" like •conten-
te I man ?—ilecaume it grants Alf/fin.
"I didn't think you'd be so hard with me," oaths
shark maid, when he bit the anchor.

When you hear a man say, "Life is but a drare,"
tread on Ma corns and wake him up. Life us real.
Jerrold my s that young boys who marry old maids
" sather in this spring of life the golden fruits of
autumn."

On child being told that he must be broken sic
bad hab;t, he replied, " Papa, hadn't I better be
mended P"
A chap who was told by a cleroyman to "remember
Lot's wife," replied that he had trouble enough witli
his own without remembering other men's wives.

-
An editor, in responss to • subscriber who grumbles
that his morning paper is always intolerably damp,
rays, "that is because there is so mach due (dew) on
it."

A RAINY DAY.—" You ought to lay up something
for a rainy day," said an anxious father to his profli-
gate son.—" And so I have," replied the youth.—
" What ?"—" An umbrella."
"My dear," said an anxious matron to her dautrit-
ter, "it is very wrong for young people to be throw-
ing kisses at one another."—" Why so, mamma?
I'm sure they don't hurt, even when they hit."
A JAGIL•sa.—" A man who'd maliciously set fire
to • barn," said good old elder Podson, "and burn
up • stable full of horse, and cows, ought to be kicked
to death by • jackass, and I'd like tab* the one to do
It."

"How shall I sell my hone N' mid a
,Odrey to an
him tail err. Mlr 1.•
hours alter I bought him."—"Sell him by selsoiesak
for no honewrable man will re-tail him,' was the re-
Ply.

Josh Billings amotres o 000irnats, and jutma
"The gro m a negro's head dr, with a grate deal of
roll to them. A kukernotkafter it has been skalpt,
Trembles an old ten-pin ball, only a little more round
0110 way than Vother."

A RiASON.—At one of the schools in Cornwall,
the school inspector asked the children if they could
quote any text of Scripture which forbade. man
having two wives. One of the children magely quo-
ted, in reply, the text, "No man can serve two
masters!"

Ifiou MORAL GROUND.—In one of the courts e few
dais since, a man was testifying regarding his connec-
tion with a case where offers had been made him to
club a man, but he declined the job. With great
solemnity the counsel asked, ae if anticipating a high
moral reason for his refusal, why the vntness did not
commit the assault.—" Well, str," was the candid
reply, "I'm a little lame, and I was afraid the police
would catch me."

The "fat contributor " delivered • lecture on
farming, in which ho said, "I can imagine what
vigour is imparted to the frame and what strength to
the murk; by reclining in the shade and watching
the mowers is they gaily awing their threshing
machine.; and then, what an appetite one must
acquire for the noon-tide lunch, by observing tho
merry reapers at work digging their wheat, and
raking and binding their potatoes and their apple..."
A If tteleat. CLOCK.—What ridiculeua things occur
sometimes at funerals! For inmanre, on one of those
solemn occasions there stood in the house of the I le.
"'tort an old-fashioned clock, which, when it finished
the announcement of the meridian hour, was made to
play a tune. The officiating minister was in the
midst of his sermon when, noon having arrived, the
cluck commenced striking twelve. In a very solemn
tone he impressed on his hearer, the inevitable tl vitt
of time; but the exhortation was evidently metre-
live, aa the clock instantly followed with the cheery
old non sof "Take your time, Ilia Lucy!"
PrEttp ENT.—Miss Edgeworth'• father's maternal
grand:et—or was • Welsh judge, named Lovel, of
whom it is relived that, travelling or r the ,and. of
Beauraaris as he was going oirouit, was overtaken
by the We; the coach muck fast in a quicksand;
the water ruse rapidly, and the registrar, who had
errpt out of the window, an I taken refuge on the
roach-ox, whilst the servants clustered on the roof,
earues.ly en: rested 013 judge to do the. .me. With
the we er nearly touching his 1.r., he gvively em
p ied, .1 wi 1 fo low your counsel if you can quote
any precedent for a judge's mounting • coach box.'
REVELINCE Volt TILE-QUALTIMDKCIL—A corre-
spondent of Nate, sad Queries rayr:—'. I have heard
or read an anecdote which Earl St. Vincent's reve-
rence for the quarter-deck reminded me of. Lord
Cornwallis went out to India as governor-general in
the ship of his brother, Admiral Cornwallia. One
sultry day the admiral, coming up from his cabin,
caught eght of his brother lounging nli a rl,air in his
dressing gown. After chafing 'me time under this,
and not liking to come into eollis.on with the gover-
nor-genteel, he turned gruffly to his first-lieutenant,
and said, " Go and tell that landlubber to get up
from his majesty's quarterelork.'"

WILEOI'STIi IiteURANCE MAN I.—A few days
ago the agent of an accideut insurance company en-
tered • amok mg-carriage on a railway, and approach-
ing an exceedingly gruff old man, asked him if he did
not want to take out • policy." He was told to get
out with his poticy, and he pawed on. After riding
about half an hour, an accident occurred to the train,
and the smoking carriage ran off the line, causing
much consternation among the passengers. The oil
man jumped out, and seising& hook at the side of the
carriage to stea ly himself, called out, "Where is the
insurance man?' The que.tion caused • roar of
laughter among the pespenger., who for the time for-
got their danger."

AntaNT.—The principal editor of this paper left
for Montgomery on Friday laid, and will be absent
for several days. The chap who "slid" into his va-
cancy chair has not the "grit" to notice his absence,
as be did that of the old he local some time back.
Ile is with the absent editor like the follow we. with
the late lamented Colonel B'Clung, of Missiuippi,
and the fellow failed to resent it. Afterwards, Col.
ll• Clung saw this same fellow kick another man out
of • house in New Orleano. The colonel remarked
to the fellow that he had more pluck in Now Orleans
than in Missiseippi.—. No, colonel, not that," he re-
plied; "it is ouly because you and I know whom to
kick."—.Anserices paper.
A gentleman had five daughters, all of whom be
brought up to become useful and respectable charac-
ters in life. These daughters moaned one after an-
other, with the consent of their • father. The first
married a gentleman by name of Pony, the second a
Mr. L We, the third a Mr. Short, the fourth • Mr.
Brown, the fifth • Mr. Hogg. At the wedding of the
lattel her sisters with their husbands were there,
and ih• old gentleman maid to the guests, "I have
taken pains to educate my daughters that they might
act well their part in life, and from their advantages
and their improvements, I fondly hoped that they
would do honour to my family. I find that all my
pains, care, and expectations have turned out no-
thing but • Poor, Little, Short, Brown, Hogg.
FROM GRAN'S TO OAT.—The manager of a 'trap
g lug theati al company got up a drama, in which a
Leman head was offered to aty nut. border to pro-
duce as much effect as possible, he resolved to use •
human bead. On the stage was placed • table covered
with a cloth, on the table was a ba-in and an actor,
concealed under the cloth, poked up hi. head through
• hole the table, 100 as to seem to be placed in the
basin. The effect was prodigious; the audience ap-
plauded and trembled. Unluckily a wag, who had ,
been taro hug about the stag.; had sprinkled • 'spoon-
ful of sneezing powder on the basin, and just ma the
tyrant fiuithed his address to the severed head of his ,
imena;, the heal rep ied by a hearty fit of sneezing,
changing the audience from grave to gay with re-
markablees pedition.
Joan IlihuNoa VISITS • SLATING PONIA—LiaT.
ing neard so much said about sicatin' park.; and the
grata amount of helth and mussel they impart to the
proieut generadiun at a able advance on foot oast, I
luvrt • ticket and went within the /erase. I found
the ice in &slippery condition covering five akers of
artifishul water, whack is owned by a mock kumpany,
friz to order. Upon one side of the pond waaerected
• little grocery buildin' where the wimmin sot on
benches, while the fellers, kivered over with blushes,
hitched the irons to their pheet. It was a most ex-
citing menet I wise ready to holler bully, or lay
down and roll over. But I kept in and eked with
glory. lielth Wad pictured on many • knoble brow.
As the female angels put out on the pond, side by
side with the male angels, it was the most powerful
scene I ever stood behind. The long red tapes from
their nes swam in the braise, and the feathers in
their jockey caps fluttered in the breeze. I don't
think 1 was ever more crazy la set life on ice. I
felt iiks • sisal hots tamed iwidesty est ta gram.
A=goeor nomad Robert Loom. emPloYed at
Bri Colliery, near Rochdale, fell down the pit, a
depth of 100 yards. When found, he was alive, but
frightfully bruised and disfigured. he right thigh was
broken and his fact, head, and other parts of Ids body
were tolerated. By tho last a count he was fast sink-
ing, there being no hope of recovery.

The death of Colonel Richard Burke, one of the
Fenian couricts, ill announced. The IriAmon says
he ham died mad, and that if there were in the hearts
of British statesmen one just drop of blood, to save
their souls from the reprobation of God and man,
they would, after the occurrence of so hideout a ca-
mitrephe, thug open
.the prison gate, at once.

- _
The number of births regiutered in Ireland during
the quarter ending 30th &pistil Ler laut being 34,068 ;
the deaths, 18,655; and the number of emigrants,
18,264 (aocording to the returns obtained by the
enumerators at the several seaports); a decrease of
881 would appear to have taken plane in the population
of Ireland during that period.—krerwaser Journal.
The celebrated sculptor Lannitz, to whose chisel
the people of Frankfort-on-Main are inchhted for
their admirably executed Gutenberg Monument, dial
on the 12th inst., after • tedious illness, at the age
of reventy•lour. lAun ti was originally a native ol
(Jouraud, but for many )(airs bolero his death he
re.ided at F, ank fort, which he regarded se the home
of Ida adoption.

A lIVOTIRT TIIII Alg ON yin WALL—We have
heard of. mot mysterious and &Permeable occurrence at the
Towel of London which 1.1 enough to sot the nerves of the whole
nation on edge. For some days, or rather nights, pest the
stout.. .4 sat eau haw sporaint on IMO .4 the sans 14 tne
building; this shadow male it. last appearanm, unless we are
misinformed, In 15th, but what It has (seen doing since that
time we cannot my. There Ben ohynem whatever about it now;
it duce not object to he stared at, and excites the 4:enmity
all who imve the Privilege, If not the pleasure, of inspecting ii.
A! APPALLING fkliNg.—Aboot mid-day on Thursday
as the hearee belonging to Abbey Poorhoum au conveying a
cotßn containing • cons° from the Palsky Infirmary to the
cemetery, the horse fell, breaking the shafts. It ortartod off,
dragging the hearse, which was m length capsized, the coign lid
was torn off, and the 01-n.1.16 Of • woInALI in 111 Lhllloni nude
state rolled out into the van. T.. the horror of a large number
of sicetators, the leg if another person, • hick had evidently
I.' II amputated, was alao exported to view. North British
Daily Malt,
I MRCSS /I SWINGS AND FLANNIL PrreIOOATS. —I
remember very well In England, before I eter thought of coming
to this out-ofthow.y pert of the globe, that some near relations
o! mine maid to meet other girl, of their aciiisint•too, give,
I iko thenuriva• to good works, for the purpcse of holding 10re,.,
ineetinin and making clothes to n.ver (ho poor heathen. I
hog tried in vain to discover what garments acre comidered
n fair acquaintances to be most upprupi late, and what
I luathem were to be the fortunate mend, lit • of their gifts. At
last, In an unguarded moment, the were tag.,
md flannel petticoats for the North American Indiana. In my
iiniorande I laughed at the um city of the ;I even ..„‘k
fun 01 11, rewsrdims 11 their wounded feelings. But of the
existence of Pepsi:. I WU then entirely imiorwut, so chum:a
was my wonder and delight when I made the discovery that the
most highly-prized garments nom by the tqUAltt were red
Kamm] petticoat.. There they were, without • doubt; almost
et ay woman wore one. Their breast. were Isarc,and rio stockings
covered their legs, but the garment of muments, no modest and
unobtrusive, °mkt not be overlooks& - Nem Troth, in yorth
Amtrioa. By William A. Bell, M.A., M.H. Celifoh.
nit PARISIAN lig/ I-MosDg —I be Civil Tribunal of
Paris hae lately given judgment in • can between an atchitect
of bonen; and an architect of her own fortune. m.
architect, brought an action against Udine. Louise Mayer, who
gained the muse. She is • holy of that world &hoot whkh folk
think and speak to much In Parke, though they pretend to
ignore it, and Is the owner and oecupler of OM of the beet-
looking houses in the Avenue de la MOO Hortense. At the
commencement if lens she was living under the Drutectiou of
Feeii P•sha—als,ut a 1 we have heard • great deal lately—
brother to the Viceroy of Egypt ; and. as • mart of attention
to his Highness, she employed the plaintiff, who had previously
been charged with the ornament& pert of the Ottoman exhibi-
tion In the Palace of the Champ de Mare. She engaged him to
decorate a large hall and • bath-room In her nme in the
Oriental style. The works were to Include • cupola of stained
lave, an at iary, • fountain, • conservatory, • monumental
chimney piece, panels of embroidered main, divans, hanging.
of Milt brovwdo from Rsadni, and • magnificent bath, electsn
silvertd. and siirrounilici with garlands In which dower. and
Cupids were to be entwined. H. Perrin.; was to mocha
24,00.1 for his Pongees, which nem he hem been paid; but, as
%Inn. Mayer had ..rdered sundry changes during the Femmes.
of t 1,.. won., he claimed 12,000 f for toidlUonal exponent, and
oot bong able to obusin payment, brought the mment notion
The Coon, huerver, nousuiced him, en the ground that h
tv.eipt for the 24,0401 um given without reserve, and In Ail
of all demendalf. wee Wayne condemned lo pay MI eosin

STARCH MANUFACTURERS
TO H.E.H. THE PLUNCMSB OF WALM.
GLENFIELD STARCH.
Exclusively umid in the ROYAL LiaIINDRY.
The LADIES ate reepeetially informed that this Sesteli
is exolueively used in tbe Royal Laundry, and Her
Majesty's hauedrees says, that although she has tried
W 1111,7111 HICS, and other POWDsli BTAICIIIa, she bag
found none of them ogled to In. 01.011rIgLD. which ig
the finest 'Web she eves red.
FRIZZ MEDAL AWARDEDRI ITS
SIIPSWORITY
1