The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1870-12-27 00:00:00

Varittits.

MISS VYIMOLA has found out that to convert an
artless maiden into • burtless one, there only weak •
"he."
Tag 11011101111.—It is reported that • eon of Brigham
Young is going to merry • newly established female
seminary.
II • young lady has* thousand acres of valuable land,
young men are apt to conclude that there are sufficient
grounds for •ttaohment.
"They tell me wine gives strength," said Fun one
day, "and yet I, who have just drunk three bottles,
cannot keep myself on my lags."
"How odd it it," said Pat. sib, trudged along on
test one hot sultry day, "that a man never meets •
awl going the same way as be is."
"Young man, do you believe in s future state r
"In course I dui; and what's more, I mean to enter it
as soon as Betsy gets her things ready."
"You have only yourself to please," said • Benedist
to an old bachelor. "True," replied he; but you
cannot kll what • difficult task I find it I"
The only liberty cap, says a clever and witty author,
Is the night cap. In it men visit, one third of their
lives, the only land where they are free and equal.
'' I say Bill, Jam's got ten years' penal servitude for
'Waling a horse." "Serve him rignt ; why did% be bay
one and not pay for it, like any other gentleman 7"
A fellow in Indiana put one end of a gun.barrel in
the fire, and looked down the muzzle to see whether it
was loaded. A coroner's jury decided that his suspi-
cious were surest.
Old Biwa', the miser, having listened to a very elo-
quent discourse on charity, remarked, "That sermon so
strongly proves the neoeuity of alias-giving, that—l've
almost a mind to beg."
AN Illinois editor says:—" Trying to do basilisks
without advertising is like winking in the dark you
may know that you are keeping up • powertul winking,
but nobody else has any idea of it!"
ALLOY in Birmingham complains that the first year
of her married life her husband called her "my dear,"
the second "Mn. A," and the third year "old sorrel
top," whioh was too much for her to bear.
811110 asked what be thought of • boa-oonstriotor, •
Yankee replied." Well, he ain't what you may call a
playful kiod of • critter, but I guess he's got a oonaider-
able heap of affection in him when be twists."
"Why do you set your sup of 'coffee upon the ehair,
Hr. Jones?" said a worthy landlady one morning at
breakfast. It is so very weak, ma'am," replied Hr.
Jones, demurely, "I thought I would let it take •
rest."
Al AfrBOTIOWATZ PaRTS/ITO3lll.—The Curate: "0
dear. 0 dear I Drunk again Jones! Drank again ! !
And in broad daylight, too I I l"—Jones " Lorshir
(itic) I Whatah the add& II Bh—.h—.ho arn I I"—
Pared.
An Ohio lady seeks a divorce on the ground of a want
of tenderness on her husband's part. He hammered
her with an ax•lielve for over three•quartere of an hour,
and then triumphantly inquired of her, "How is that
for high?"
THIIII was a lynch of Irish magistrates who, it is
said, passed a resolution to build • new gaol from the
materials of the old one ; and another resolution that
tie old gaol should not be palled down till the new one
was ieady,
- - - •• •

AT ii9K )XO, IND., • man recently sold his wife for
10 d 01.., end proceeded to go on. wild carouse with the
gross reodpts. Now that the money is gone he is
rather sorry thst he sold out, and proposes to test the
validity of the transfer.
YOUTH reoeutant, buthutoherent,cover his dissipation,
signed the following pledge: —"I solemnly promise to
alittain from the use of all intoxicating beverages,
otherwise than as a drink, and profanity unless pre.
scribed by. physician, at four times • day, excepting
cider."

•
0111 01 HZII ilo/11k1FD5.—Sinile ladies, in general,
do notilapprove of the re-marriage of widows. A young
lady who was approaching the "middle /ages" was in
the habit of saying, whenever she heard of • widow's
marriage, "There, now I that woman has got one of
my husbands
. . .

An individual at the races was staggering about the
course with more liquor than be weld bold. "Hallo,
what's the matter now?" said a friend whom the ielabri•
ated man had run against. " Why—tic—why, the fact
is, slot of my friends have been betting liquor on the
race to-day, and they have gut me to hold the stakes."

THE ADVANTAGE OF TAKING A NEWSPAPER.
I knew too friends so much alike,
At e'er you saw two stump. ;
And no phrenologist. could nod,
differenos in their bumps.
One took • poper, and his life
er than a king's ;
His children all could read and write.
And talked of men sod things.
The other took no papers, and
While strolling through &wood
A tree fell down upon his crown,
And killed hlin—its It should !
Had he been reading of the news
At home like neighbour Jim,
111 bet • oent this accident
HAS not befallen him !

Antrim. Paper.

Jos KING was sick in • boarding-house, and made hie
mind up for some chicken broth. The order went
down into the kitchen, and the broth came up weak,
Bat, and insipid. The sick man was subsequently
retattag his dim.ppointmont to • friend. who
"They just let the chicken ...se tlatuugh "11
they did." "said Joe, faintly. "it had stilts on." He
rooovered.

"Why, Bill, what's the matter with you ? You look
down in the mouth." '' Well, Peter, I dare say, if
you'd been through what I hive, you'd look bad too."
What's the matter r' '' Well, you know Sarah
Snivel's, don't you, Peter?" "Yes." "I discarded her
hat night." "You did I What for?" "Well, I'll tell
you. She said she wouldn't marry rte. and I'll discard
any girl that would treat me in that manner."

A (taunt KAIDIS of biz ty accepted an offer from
a Pres yterien deaeon, and being remonstrated with by
• delegation of Friends appointed to wait upon her for
marrying out of the meeting, she replied, •• Look her.!
I've been waiting just two and forty years for the
meeting to marry me, and if the meeting don't want
me to marry out of it, why don't the meeting bring
along its young menr The delegation departed in
'ileum

"A handsome reward will be given to any one bring.
log back the dog," so said the bilL The dog is brought
back. Tears of joy from the orbs of the spinster. and
five shillings placed in the hands of the dog fancier.
"Do you call that handsome: I suppose you'll call
yourself handsome next." The hall door is slammed,
leaving the spinster on one side and the departed dog
fancier and five shillings on ;the other. A warning—
handsome is that handsome does.

In the good time coming, when women have all their
limkeththyee.rfololotwhinisg bliofhre;
In Meriden, this morning. at six o'clock. Mr. Smith
gSrigumehintheat,:—"hus.?banD"iendd7omilneHa:sohne. Jane Smith. at her residence.
was • meek and quiet husband, beloved for the grasses
of • cultivated and trained nature. He excelled ic the
domestic virtues—as Gook he was surpassed by few; as
nuns, he twits surpassed by none."
TH. following, by Josh Billings, is only a trifle in.
ferior to some passages in Thompeon's "Season," by
which noble poem it was evidently inspired :—"Spring
came this year BS much as usual. Hail, butlios virgin!
5,000 years old and upwards, hale and hearty old gal,
weleum tow New York State and parte adjacent. Now
the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs
okras's', now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and
Nature is (nay ; while the nobby cockroach is singing
' Yankee Doodle' and 'Coming thru the rhi.' Now
may be seen the musketeer, that gray outlined critter
of destiny, solitary and alone, examining his last year's
bill, and now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse
shangbigh bawling in the barnyard."
Ax Axwo4x CM:MU& dear Editor, sum men
are born grate, sum git grate after they are born, sum
have grateneas hove upon them, and sum aint troubled
with them. But (mi dear phenol the objekt in writing
this eoistol is not this, but to inform you that i shall
let loose about the middle of Oktober, 1870, Josh
Billings Farmers All man= for 1871. No family who
keep • two boa. carriage should be without this
Allmanax. As anshunt knower, phall of phaitb, let
slip the pure and innocent du, from his Ark, so doth i
let slip this Allmanax. and hope it won't come back.
All good housewives will find in this dilemmas how to
train up their husbands in the way they should go, end
they wont depart from it; and also how tow make •
lively elap jar. To the weary wanderer this Allnianax
will be a gide board, showing the nearest out to the
next town, and to the sorry, • sods fountain of gimnas-
tic delight. This Allmanax gives the biography,
etimology, gee:, and prosidy ov bugs, beasts, and
little ood &he', and tell. us, with the fondness ov a
step parent., the right time to trade oph • dog. In
konklusimis, it gives me grate pleasure tow remark,
that kusad are lobsters and milk for,sapper, for they
the, hay no bowel's ov mercy, nor mercy for bewails.
With grate fleshing of tweeter, I am your limber
[farad JOSH BILLINGS, Allminuter.

THE PABHUNCE OF JOB.
Everybody is lathe habit ov bragging ov Job; and
Job did have oansiderable pathunce ; bat did he ever
keep • districk @kale for 8 dollars a month and bowl
around or run • kountree nomtepaper? Did he ever
reap lodged oats down hill a hot day, and have all his
buttons burst oph at once Did he ever have the
jumping toothache, and be made to tend tie babe
while his wife wee over to Parkinses to a tea-.quail?
Dii be ever get up up in the morning 'mini dri, and
tad it 3 miles before Wisakteat to get a drink, and
and that the man kept • tempersum house Did ha
ever undertake to milk a kicking heifer with a bushy
tail in fly time? Did he ever sot on • litter of kittens
In the old rocking *heir, with his summer pantoloons
on? if ha could d all those things and praise the
Lord at the same time, all I have to say is " Bully for
Job."—Jarh