The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-04-22 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

EQUIVOCAL PRIMISKS.—" It seems to me your loaves
are not of the game weight," muttered a fault-finding
housewife to a baker, as she poised a couple of loaves
from his baeket ; "do you suppose you can cheat me?"
—" I don't want to cheat you," replied the man of
bread, not relishing such an insinuation; " I know the
loaves were weighed—every soul of them—and one
weighs just as much as Vother, by gracious; and more
too, I dare say, if the truth was known!
A ROYAL Tlecernoze.—When Louis XIII. passed
through the little town of Languedoc, the mayor and
the consuls were very much embarrased about his
reception. They consulted a butcher of that place,
who was reckoned a very Solomon. This fellow,
proud of being sought after, offered his services to
introduce them to the king, and performed his duty
by saying, "Sire, as I am a butcher by trade, I bring
you a few of my beasts." The mayor and the consuls
then made a bow, and the ceremony ended, to the
general satisfaction of all.
' THE SUNNY SIDE OK THE STREET.—The celebra-
ted Charles James Fox was one day walking up Bond.
street with the Prince of Wales (afterwards George
IV.), when he laid a wager with his Royal Highness
that he would see the treater number of cats as they
went onwards, though the Prince might take what side
of the street he liked. Oa arriving at the top Mr.
Fox won his wager, having seen thirteen cats, while
the Prince had not observed one, which led him to ask
how this was. Mr. Fox replied, "Your Royal High- ,
ness took,l of course the shady aide of the street, as the
more agreeable; I know that the sunny side would be
left to me, and that is the one that cats always prefer."
THE BEPROOK PRACTlCAL—Beaumarchais was the
son of a watchmaker. The popularity he enjoyed at
court, on aoeount of wit and other recommendations,
excited the envy of the young nobles about the sove-
reign; and one of them volunteered to put him out of
countenance. Addressing him before the whole eourt,
he said, "Ah ! M. Beaumarchair, I am charmed to see
you; my Watch has been for some time out of order, I
beg you to look at it."—" Certainly; but I must tell
you beforehand, that I am the most awkward person
about watehes in the world."—" No matter; I beg you
to look at it—l insist." Beaumarchais took the watch,
most minsnitieently set with diamonds and enamel,
raised it to his ear, and let it drop on the marble floor
—it was of course totally destroyed. "You see, my
lord," said the wit coolly, "I knew my awkwardness
better than yon your man."
THE PRINCIPLR OK GOVERNMENTS.—I shall not
easily foreet the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told
us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of
Portsmouth; "We are come," said he "for your
good—for all your goods." A universal principle,"
added Swift, 'of all governments; but, like most
other truths, only told by mistake."
A STRIKING Riereoor.—On one occasion in tbe
neighbourhood of Hampstead-heath, a ruffianly driver
was pummelling a miserable, bare-boned hack-horse.
Lord Erskine's sympathy provoked him to a smart re-
monstrance. "Why," said the fellow, "it's my own;
mayn't I use it as I please ?" And, as he spoke, he dis-
charged a fresh shower of blows on the raw back of the
beast. Lord Erskine, excessively irritated, laid on his
walking-stick sharply over the shoulders of the
offender, who, crouching and grumbling, asked him
what business he had to touch him with his stick.
"Why," replied Lork Erskine, to whom the oppor-
tunity of a joke was irresistible, "it is my own;
mayn't I use it as I please ?"
THE WIKE'S STRATAGEM.—At a ball in Paris, A
very stout gentleman, proprietor of a bad catarrh and
a very charming wife, insisted very inoonveniantly at
the close of the polka, that madam should return to
the bosom of her family. "Never mind," said she to
her partner, "ask me to dance in the next quadrille
all the same; I'll find a way to stay for it." SllePing
out while the sets were forming, she west into the
gentlenien's dressing-room found her husband's hat,
and threw it out of the window. Then returning, and
requesting her spouse to first find his hat and call the
carriage, she accepted partners for the next sixdances, ,
quite sure of two hours' time before the hat could be ,
found. .
A LIT'4II ASSISTANOL—Sir Hercules Langrishe,
sitting alone was asked, "Have you finished all that '
port (three bottles) without assistance ?" The toper
answered: "No—not quite that. I had the waist-
ance of a bcittle of Madeira."
.r., , ...
A PLEA FOZ INGRATITUD2.—" There is St pleasur-
able sensation," said that great philanthropist, Dr.
Smellfungus, "in hearing the man who has done us a
service abused."—"And why, sir? " ieqtered a lady
who overheard the charitable observation.—" Because,
my dear madam," was the doctor's logical reply, "it
seems to lessen the obligation we owe the rascal our-
selves."
AWKWARD 1-4ederick the Great once
picked up a letter which had been dropped by the
hussar who attended on him. He sent for the man,
and asked him whether he eoukl write, "A little,"
replied the hussar. "No matter," replied the King;
"take this pen, and write, as well as you can, what I
shall dictate." Frederick then dictated an extract
from the fatal letter, which was addressed to the
huasar's mistress :—" My dear Charlotte, it will not
be in my power-to call upon you either to day or so
1 noon as I could wish, having to stay at home to take
I care of the old Brummen Bar (growling bear). I hope,
however, towards the end of the week to make good
this loss." The man felhon his knees, and attempted
to excuse himself. "Write on," resumed the King;
"and add, 'My dear Charlotte, it is probable several
weeks may pass over before I can have the pleasure of
seeing you, being obliged at this very moment to set
off for the Cattle of Spandau." The King signed the
letter, and sent him with it to prison. However, he
left him there no longer than it was necessary to give
him a fright.; .
COMIENCINE HousmarriNo.—" My dear Juliana,"
said Alphonlo, the ficoi. day of their housekeeping, very
tenderly, as he rose.tele out and do his fil-st market-
in!, "what shall viti!Nsie for our dinner 1" He laid
much stress on the`" diir."—" I think, my love,"
replied she, "that, as our appetites are not very great
a quarter of beef will be eufficent."—Alphonso stood
aghast. "A quarter of beef 1" shrieked he.—" A.
quarter of a ound,,l meant, my love," she said, kiss-
ing hisa-on h e nose;. and. Alphonso went out like a
lamb to the a sughYx-house.
_ .
•Tvp:h:jArenkgpeCvatUoeleTn:tinhangle_lraDiaeeisady,-Browne and I were as mina
wD.wa,
iiii el:
lid
jea,strskt
dark.
feyl,Mtny Mon roe's
close
eaf
It:hi:legate, seven
under( Sa'
o'clock.
° c
blackt hke.
figure pushed by between the chaise and te hedge
.
on my side, • 'suspected i-: was a highwayman, and as
.I Mend did 'Browne, for she was speaking, and stopped.
To divert her fears, I was geine to sae. "Is not that
the . apothecary going tod he .D uchess ?" when I head
a yoke cry " Bt9p 11 and then the fi4ure clone bace to
the chaise. I had the presenceof mind, before I letdown
the glass, to take Out )1: 1 y watch and_ atuff it within my
dress und.r the arm. He said, "Yvur nurse and
watches 7" "1 have no watch," I replied. "Then your
purse." -I gave it t 6 him ;it had nine guineas in it. It
:was so dark that I could not see his hand, hut I felt
him take it, ;He then asked for lady Browne's purse,
and said,.Don't befrightened, I will not hurt you,"
"No; you Wein't frighten the lady," I sail "N, I
give you my 'word I will not hurt you, he repiel.
Lady Browne gave him her
purse, and was going to
add her watch, but he said, "I am much pbliged ti
you; I wils voulgood night" pulled off his hit, and rode
away, "Well," said 4, " isadY
Browne, you will not
be afraid of being robbed another time, fur you see
,jthere is nothing in it." "Oh, but I am," she said;
i `land now I am in terror lest he return, for I have-1
1 iiiren him a purse with bad money that I carry! on'
purpose."—Li WALPOLE.