The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1884-08-09 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

A lawyer at the Chicago bar was recently held for
contempt of Court for simply making a motion before
the judge. Perhaps we may as well explain that the
motion looked towards throwing an inkstand at the
justice's head.
A country woman, who was 'visiting her married
daughter in New York, wrote home that she was
"living on a flat." A family council was held to de-
termine what the phrase meant. The oldest son, who
had been to the city, said it meant that she was
"living in a great big house." But the majority came
to the conclusion that she meant that she was living
on her son-in-law.

Two Rochester men went a-fishing, and on their
return were asked as to their success. "Oh," said
one of them, "we had about the same measure of for-
tune; Brown brought home a perch and I a pole."
A Philadelphia man who went west a few weeks
ago to seek his fortune, has returned. The first week
out he encountered a cyclone, and the second week he
was shot at twice, and the third week a cross-eyed
woman insisted on making love to him. He says he
could have stood the first two, but the third was too
much.

'Aunt Tabitha visited an up-town atudio, the other
day, and was admiring the portraits, when the artist
quietly inquired of her: "Wouldn't you like to be
taken from life, madam?" " Laws mercy ! "
exclaimed she, starting for the door, "I hope I ham%
fallen into the hands of a murderer!" And she
retired in evident alarm before the artist could say a
word in explanation.
Deafness, it is said, can be cured by one being sud-
denly surprised. All the physician need do, therefore,
is to whisper t 2 the patient that he doesn't intend to
charge anything. Ten chances to one the patient will
hear.

--;-‘-What kind of a dog is that?" asked the major of
a colonel as he saw a lean, hungry looking canine
poking his head and neck through the front gate.
"That's a watch dog,''observed the owner, proudly.
"Is he a good watch dog?" "Well, I guess so. It
takes my wife and myself over half our time to watch
him for fear he'll eat up everything in the house."
, An Arkansaw jeweller announces that he is the only
lapidary in his town. Give a good cat half a chance at
cream, and the people would see a lap a dairy work
done quick enough.
A Milwaukee farmer recently forwarded a letter to
a neighbouring town requesting .the postmaster to
deliver it " to.any respectable'attorney." After" ten
days, it was retter.ned with the significant indorsement:
"None here.".,
A Kentucky woman has been supplied with an iron
jaw, and her husband is unhappy. He says she will
have that jaw worn out in about three weeks, and he
can't afford to buy her a new one sixteen times a
year.
A little Boston girl joyfully assured her mother
the other day that she had found out where they
made horses—" she had seen a man in a shop just
finishing one of them, for he was nailing on his last
foot."

“Dear me,” cried Mrs. Blossom, as she laid down
the paper, it does seem to me as if State militia
fellows are always in trouble. Here's an account of
a recent inspection where the company turned out
fifty-three men. Top bad, ain't it?"
A Chicago firm is introducing wooden slippers
into this country. The small boy is all in a sweat
for fear his mother will take it into her head to buy a
pair.
A venerable Michigan editor attributes his long
life to the fact that he has never had money enough
to pay his funeral expenses, and couldn't afford to din.
When the teacher asked what was the feminine of
tailor, a small boy on a front seat in a public school
in Brockton promptly exclaimed, "Dressmaker," and
was greatly delighted that he was able to get in the
answer first.

A Galveston school teacher asked a new boy: "If a
carpenter wants to cover a roof fifteen feet wide by
thirty feet broad with shingles five feet broad by
twelve feet long, how many shingles will be needed ?"
The boy took up his hat and slid for the door.
"Where are you going ?" asked the teacher. "To
find a carpentnr. He ought to know that better than
any of we fellars."