The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1855-12-18 00:00:00

AN AMERICAN HOTEL DINNER.

THE crowd have squeezed themselves into the
room, Such a scrambling and jostling for seats !
Spare the crockery. The din—from din comes
dinner—redoubles. Such an outcry I Babel is
music to it.—" Waiter !" " Waiter !" " John !"
" Waiter !" " Thomas !" " Thomas!" "Waiter !"
"John !" " Thomas !" " Soup !" " Soup !"
" Soup !" were iterated in all octaves, from
contralto to soprano. I was a "looker-on in
Vienna," when the scenes which follow occurred,
and I " speak the things which I do know."
" Give us a stout, hearty plate of soup, William !"
said a short, crimson-faced man, with an abomi,
nable periphery like a semi-globe. As he gave
this order for a second plate of soup, he shoved
into the waiter's hand, open to receive the plate
of a gentleman who had as yet secured nothing,
his own dish, and bade him make haste. Igno-
rant of " dinner etiquette," as Fanny Kemble
styles it, a dozen of those around us had at once
commenced on the solids ; which of course made
the rest work like beavers to finish their soup ;
and some of those at the end of the table, who,
having but just received the initial liquid, were still
sipping after their luckier friends at the favoured
head of the table had concluded, were admonished
of the necessity of making haste, by the removal
of their plates by the impatient waiters. Waiters
are systematic. People should be more simulta-
neous in eating soup. A polite man swallows
his, scalding hot, that he may keep pace with his
more fortunate neighbour. " Here ! here !—you
rascal, bring back my soup !" bawled out a man
with a thin, vinegar aspect. His plate had suf-
fered abduction. The waiter feigned not to hear.
The wrinkles on the pungent face visibly shar-
pened. That look would have soured an entire
dairy. In a voice thin and sharp as his features,
he exclaimed " Here ! here ! you unmannerly
Irish scapegoat ! (ah ! you hear at last, do you?)
bring back my soup instantly !" " It's ag'in'
the rules, sir-r ; I can't do it, sir-r ! But here's
a beautiful arrangement !" replied the Irishman
passing a bill of fare. "D—n you and yourrules,
and your bill of fare in a mess ! I want my soup,
you Irish blackguard !" " Can't do it, sivr ; the
rules must be observed. Can't give ye any more
soup, sir-r ; the mates is on,ssir; them must be
ate next : them's the rule, sir-r ;" and the waiter
ran to answer a call farther up the table. The
discomfited man swore as terribly as if he had
formed one of the celebrated army in Flanders.
" Pretty hotel, this! Excellent regulations !
Polite servants ! Must eat meat, must I ? I'll
see 'em hanged first ! Here, you chowder-head,

212

su-

bring back my—" " Green peas, gen 7, . -
green peas !" squeaked a bean-pole war., , • ith
a nose like a sausage, and little twinklr eyes.
A dozen hands grabbed convulsively at: tne dish.
Green peas were a great rarity ; a sufficiently
evinced by the complacent air of the servant as
he announced them. A dish of gravy and a
bottle of catsup were upset in the scuffle, much
to the annoyance of the sour man, in whose lap
a greater part of the first sought a depot. "You
have got your soup, I find, sir !" said a wag
opposite, at which everybody laughed, and one
individual, at an untiweiy moment, when his'
mouth was full of Score': ale, whereby a great
gurgling and spluttering ensued, ended by a
general spirt upon the " fixins " of all who were
near him ; a most impartial division, for all
received a portion. As soon as he could make
himself heard above the discord, the person to
whom the wag's remark had been addressed
answered, with much asperity, "That's Irish wit,
I s'pose—l hate Irish !" " Peas, waiter !"
" Waiter, peas !" " Peas ! peas ! peas 1" ex-
claimed a hundred voices in a breath. Reasonable
souls ! They looked to be all helped at once.
" Pass those peas !" said a score of impatient
voices to the gentleman with the crimson face,
who, in the scuffle, had succeeded in securing the
dish to himself. " Ha, ha" he spluttered com-
placently, with his mouth half-full of salmon, "!
hadn't eat any of these 'ere for a long while !
" They look very fine 1" said the next but one ad-
joining, in a manner that implied a strong desire
to ascertain whether they did not taste respect-
ably. "Very, very!" replied the fat man, as he
scooped nine-tenths of all there were in the dish
on to his own plate. Sundry eyes glanced pitch-
forks at him? They were evidently astonished.
They should not have been. The gentleman came
from a western pork-growing district. He fatted
his own swine. " I'm special fond of peas," said
he, half in enthusiasm at his own appetite, and
half as a sort of apology. " Split me if I
shouldn't think so !" exclaimed the wag. " Well,
it's nothing strange !" snapped out Vinegar, tak-
ing the part of the obese, and chuckling at the
discomfiture of the others. " Some people will
eat, until, being unable to help themselves, we
shall be compelled to lift them out of their seat !"
exclaimed one of the disappointed, giving the fat
man a look that was not to be misconstrued. I
looked about me for some peas, but saw none.
As I was scrutinising, my eyes encountered the
rueful and bewildered face of a modest young
man, with an empty plate. In all probability he
had never dined before in an hotel ; at least, the
diffident manner with which he received the in-
attention paid to his modest requests seemed to
say as much. A constant fear, too, lest he should
not behave quite like the rest appeared to haunt
him ; and the longer he was neglected the more
he appeared embarrassed. Poor fellow ! He had
not received a mouthful to eat. What a bore is
modesty ! Brass is, emphatically, an accomplish-
ment. The young man looked very ridiculous
for the lack of it ; and I pitied him. " Waiter !"
said I, winking peculiarly to an Adonis with squint
eyes, and a mouth like a codfish. He sprang to
my side. The wink had touched his feelings. I
knew it would. A waiter's heart is open to a
wink when words are useless. " Get me some
peas and fresh salmon, on a clean plate." The
fellow's eyes concentrated in their deepest squint,
as he looked inquiringly, first into my face, and
then at the space between my thumb and fore-
finger. Apparently not seeing there what he had
expected, his sprightly, helpful manner died
away very suddenly, and his answer, as he stared
mechanically up the table, was unqualifiedly brief.
" Guess there ar'n't any here ; don't see any."
I pointed to my thumb and fore-finger. •A

;MENT TO THE LIVERPOOL STAN

quarter-dollar filled the space so lately vacant.
"Do you see any now ?" The mouth opened
wide, and assumed an amiable grin, and the
eyes an extra squint, and for half a minute
glanced scrutinisingly around the table." " I
think I does !" said he. His sight was com-
pletely restored. " I thought you would,"
said I, dropping the coin into his horny palm.
What wonders the " root of all evil" can accom-
plish. It makes the best vegetable pills in the
world, and " may be used with equally astonish-
ing success in all climates." " Here, you squint-
eyed rascal !" roared out Vinegar, who, for the
last ten minutes, had been unceasingly cursing
every servant within hearing. " I saw you take
that bribe ! Bring me my soup, or I'll expose
you. Pretty joke ! Have to pay landlord exor-
bitant charge for dinner, and then, pay, beside, a
lubberly set of lanthorn-jawed waiters for helping
you to it! I won't submit to such treatment,
and those who will are ninnies ! I won't stand
it ! I'll make them change their tone. I'll
punish the landlord. I'll blow his hotel to the
devil. I 11—I'll—I'll have my soup ! Here, you
laughing hyena, with your teeth out of doors,
bring me my soup I" The disinterested servant
brought me the peas and salmon with great
alacrity, and looked as if he would like to have
the silver dose repeated, but I had no further use
for him, and stared coldly upon his enthusiasm.
He was was a philosopher, and a deeply-read
student of human nature. He understood that
cold look as readily as he had done the wink,
and, to adopt a western phrase, quickly " absquat-
ulated." Helping myself to a portion of the
viands which I had been so fortunate as to obtain,
I passed the remainder to my modest neighbour.
He appeared very grateful, but was too much
embarrassed to thank me. Having helped him-
self to salmon, he Was proceeding (leisurely, lest
he should seem indecorous) to take some
peas, when the dish was unceremoniously seized
and carried to the obese, who had bribed
the waiter with a shilling to execute the ma-
noeuvre. Whereupon my modest friend looked
very blank, and Vinegar took occasion to dilate
sarcastically upon the expense of feeding pigs
in the west ; in which the fat man,unsophisticated,
and seeing no allusion, coincided with fervour.
He had swine to sell, and crying up the expense
of fattening them would tend to increase their
value in the market. And here ensued a confab
between the wag and the obese, in which the
latter was made the unwitting butt of a thousand
and one small shafts, touching his professional
and personal affinities. " Clear the tables !" sang
out the authoritative voice of one decked in a
short white apron, who brandished in a masterly
manner a huge carving-knife and fork. This was
no less a personage than the head-waiter, or
" butler," as he directed his fellow-servants to
style him. My modest neighbour, supposing
that the last-named order was intended as an in-
sinuation that the guests had ate enough, arose
and walked off. Upon reaching the door, and
turning round, he seemed to perceive his mistake,
and that the order was but for the clearance of
the meats, to make room for the pastry ; but,
ashamed to expose his ignorance of " etiquette"
by returning to the table, he left the room, hoping,
I doubt not, that those he hadleftbehind himwould
ascribe his withdrawal to surfeit rather than igno-
rance. He probably adjourned to a neighbouring
eating-house, to appease his tantalised appetite.
" What pudding is this, waiter ?" said a gentle-
man opposite. " It's a pud-ding, sir-r," was the
satisfactory reply. "We know it's a pudding,
but what kind of a pudding is it? Find out what
pudding it is." " That's aisily done !" said he,
as with the utmost sang froid he perforated the
crust of the doubtful dish with his dirty thumb.