The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1865-12-26 00:00:00

JACK'S ABILMIS.

My father had been a lovely one in hie time at the
Cheap Jack work, as his dying observations went to
prove. But I top him. I don't say it because its my-
self, but because it has been umversally acknowledged
by all that has had the means of oomparison. I have
worked at it. I have measured myself against other
publics speakers, Members of Parliament, Platforms,
Pulpits, Counsel learned in the law— and where I've
found 'em good, I have took a bit of imitation from 'em,
and where I have found 'em bad, I have let 'em alone.
Now I'll tell you what. I mean to go down intomy
grave declaring that of all the callings ill-used in Great
Britain, the Cheap Jack calling is the worst used. Why
ain't we • profession? Why ain't we endowed
With privileges. Why are we forced to take.out
'lt hawkers' license, when no such thing is expected of
Abe political hawkers? Where's the difference is ghat
nit? Except that we are Cheap Jacks and they are Dear
+mks, I don't see any difference but what's in our
favour.
For, look here! Say it's election time. lam on the
footboard of my cart in the market-place on a Saturday
night. I put up • general miscellaneous lot. I say:
"Now here my free and independent woters, I'm going
to give you such a chance as you never had in all your
born days, nor yet the days preceding. Now I'll show
you what lam going to do with you. Here's a pair of
razors that'll shave you filmier than the Board of
Guardians, here's a fiat-iron worth it's weight in gold,
here's a frying-pan artificially flavoured with emence of
beefsteaks to that degree that you've only got for the
rest of your lives to fry bread and dripping in it, and
there you are replete with animal food, here's a genuine
chronometer watch in such t solid elver case that you
may knock at the door with it when you come home
late from • social meeting and rou-e your wife and
family and save up your knocker for the poistman, and
here's half-a-dozen dinners plates that you may
play the cymbals with to charm the baby when it's
bacfious. Stop I I'll throw in another article and I'll
give you that, and it's a rolling-pin, and if the baby can
only get it well into its mouth when its teeth is coming
and rub the gums once with it, they'll come through
double; in a fit of laughter equal to being tickled. Stop
again ! throw you in another article, becalms I
don't like the looks of you, for you. haven' the appear-
ance of buyers ueless I loose by you, and because Pa
rather loose than not take money to-night, and that's •
Linking-glass, in which you may see how ugly you look
when you don't bid What do you eity sow? Come!
Do you say a pound? Not you, for you haven't got it.
Do you say ten shillings? Not you, for you owe more
to the tallyman. Well then. FR tell you what l'll do
witli you. I'll heap 'ern all on the footboard of the cart
—there they are ! razors, fist-iron, frying-pan, chro-
nometer watch, dinner plates„rolling.pin, and looking.
glass—take 'em a 1 away for four shillings, and I'll give
you sixpence for your trouble 'This is rue, the Cheap
Jack, Buten Monday morning, In the same market-place,
corn's the Dear Jack on the hustings, /tie cart, and what
dea hese), ? "Now my free and independent woters, I
am going to give you such • chance" (he begins just like
me) "as you never had in all your been days, and that's
the chanee of sending Myself to Parliament. Now I'll
tell you what I am going to do for you. Here's the
interests of this magnificent town promoted above all
the rest of the civilis,d and unciviliaed earth.- Here's
your railways carried, and your neighbour's railways
jockeyed. Here's all your sons in the Post-office.
lie-re & Britannia ensiling on you. Here's the eyes of
Europe on you. Here's uniwersal prosperity for you,
repletion of animal food, golden cornfields, gladsome
homesteads, and rounds of applause from your own
hearte, all in one lot and th•t's myself. Will you take
me as I stand.? You won't? Well then, I'll tell you
what I'll do with you. Come n)w ! I'll throw you in
anything you ask for. There I Church-rates, abolition
of church-rates, more malt tax, no malt tax, uniwersal
education to the highest mark or uniweraal ignorance
to the lowest, total abolition of flogging in the army or
a d Zen for every private once a month all round,
Wrongs of Men or Rights of Women.—only say which
it shall be, take 'ern or leave 'ens, awl I'm of your opinion
altogether. and the lot's your own on your own terms.
There! You won't take it yet? Well then, I'll tell
you what I'll do with you. Come ! You ore such free ,
and independent waters, and I am so proud of you —you
ore each a noble and enlightened oonstiteency, and I am
so ambitious of the honour and dignity of be-lug your
member, which is by far the highest level to which the
wings of the human mind can soar—that I'll tell you
what I'll do with you. I'll throw youin all the public.
houses iq your magnificent town fornothing. Will that
content ? It won't? You - i't take the lot yi t?
Well and drive away,
-iagnificent town
ii do. Take
i the streets
up that CP'
very fe-

(ore
offer

a't
put
th,

horse

won'
'se in
most

matnl ,h I'll

thotisend