The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1858-09-14 00:00:00

Yarietins.

li'

How many foreigner' does it take to make you un-
dent—Forty Poles links one rude (rood).
The man who reached the height of politanese has
suddenly disappeared in a cloud.
" Won't that boa oonstriotor bite me l" said a little
boy to a showman.—" Oh no, boy, he never bites—he
swallows his wink,' whole,"
AMRRIOAN ADVRATISING. Atlantie Telegraph.
Queen'. Message. "Whose are the beet sewing ma-
chines in the United States r—President's reply.
Wood's patent, Whitney and Lyon, Proprietors."
A LITTLI TRA PARTY.—BriI/Oolla ; ' A little more
gunpowder, Mr. Chine?' China " —mo —tan—ke
—mum."
Dom° AB THII ROSES DO.—" Red cheeks are only
oxygen in another shape, Girls anxious to wear a r
will find them where the roses do—out of doors." "Will
they, Indeed," remarked Miss Josephine Hoops, as she
laid down the Family Herald cantainiug the extract.
" Well, if doing as the roses do will help a lady to
oolour, one might as well never get up at all—for I'm
certain sure that the flowers stay in their beds all
day."
A WITTY PROPOSITION.—SharIdaa being on a Par-
liamentary committee, one day entered the room as all
the members were seated and ready to (*immense bud-
nen ; perceiving no empty seat, lie bowed, and looking
round the table with a droll expression of the oeunte.
nines, said, "Will any gentleman move that I may take
the chair."
AN APT RCPLY.—During the revolutionary war the
Earl of Dartmouth asked an American in London of
how many members Compose consisted? To which the
reply was "fifty-two," "Why, that is the number of
card. in • peck," said his lordship • "pray how many
knaves are there?" "Not one," returned the Republi-
can; "please to recollect that knaves are court
cards."
Tom Cooke tells a dory of an occurrence at • provin-
dal theatre, in Ireland, where Misoready wu personating
Vircinna. In preparing for the seen" in which the
body of Dettifallll is brought on the stage, the manager
called to Pat, his property man, for the bier. Pat being
of •heavy temperament, responded to the call by saying
lie would" fetch it Immediately." Pat next made his ap-
pearance with a full foaming pot of the right sort, and
was received with • thousand and one cures' for his
stupidity. "The bier, you blockhead I" thundered the
manager. "And isn't it hers?' exclaimed Pat, pre-
senting the inn. "Not that, you donkey—l mean the
barrow for Thentatua." "Then why don't o call things
by their right name?" muttered Pat; "who would
"appose you meant the barrow when you celled for
beer ?"
THE ART OP Nov QOARIIRLLINO.—SeasibIe Hue'
band.—" How is it we never quarrel, Mrs. Xantippe ?
Well, I will tell you. You see for • quarrel, and es-
pecially a good quarrel, it is necessary to have two par-
ties. One person can't make a quarrel. Now, if lam
in a quarrelsome humour, and break out, my wife re-
mains cool and collected, and doesn't say • word. If my
wife is peevish, and displays more temper than is becom-
ing to one of her beautiful sex, I, her husband, remain
as unmoved as the Monument, or else cheat myself into
the belief that I am listeeing for the moment to one
of Grisi's heavenly songs Thus, while one party is
volcanically fuming, the other is a. intim as a cold potato.
In all our quarrels, there is in this way always • con-
trolling power. Seriously, we never quarrel, because
there is • philosophic compact between us never to
quarrel together. We only quarrel one at • time ; and
it is astonishing, if you leave a quarrel alone, how very
soon it dies out. That's our secret, Madam, and I
should advise you, and all Xantippes to follow it'"—
Punch.
ADVICI (WORTH MILLIONS) GRATIL—Every man
should keep the wolf from the door, and his mother-in-
law, too, if he can. Every woman has • right to be any
age she pleases, for if she were to state bee- real age, no
one would believe her. Every one has • right to wear
& moustache who can. Every woman, who makes pud-
dings, has • perfect right to believe that she can make
• better pudding than any other woman in the world.
Every man who carves has • decided riOt to think of
himself by putting the best bits aside. Every woman
has a right to think her child the "prettied little baby
In the world," and it would be the greatest folly to
deny her this right for she would be sure to take it.
Every young lady has • right to faint, when she pleases,
If her lover is by her side to ditch her. Ryan fool has
aright to be on the beet terms with himself, and that
man is a greater fool who diltsrt with him about Shoes
Items. Every child, who maims a no*, ha. a right to
be turned out of the room s aid, 4,eipit on have
not the right, you are perfully jueilW,l(t parents.
ars absent, in usurping it,