The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-04-29 00:00:00

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.

An old maid, speaking of marriage, says it is like
any other disease—where there's life there's hope.
A Yankee out West says, if "time is money," he is
willing to exchange a little of his for cash.
When two women in a family are trying to tell the
same thing at the same time, it is an auspicious opportunity
for the men folks to vanish.
We learn from the New Orleans Republican that
kettled rum entertainments are popular in Southern Society.
"Carrie," said be, dreamily, contemplating her coil,
"how beautiful—how very beautiful is your hair I Where
did you get it?"
A " sufferer" at an American hote says, "The flies
come down to breakfast at the sound of the gong."
A lady says there are more superfluous men than
women, and the rest of her sex would like to know where
they are.
A beautiful young actress is described by an Ame-
rican witic as having a face a painter might dwell upon.
What a delightful residence I
The young 'ladies of Chicago have recently esta-
blished a " personal beauty league." The objects of the
society are not stated.

An Alabama paper publishes the following notice
"Married at Flintstone, by the Rev. Windttone, Mr. Nehe-
miah Sandstone and Miss Wilhelmlna Egglestone, both of
Limestone."

A philosopher being asked what was the first thing
necessary toward winning th 3 love of a woman, answered,
"An opportuuity."

The individual who called tight boots comfortable
defended his position by saying they made a man forget all
his other miseries.

The following obituary notice of a distinguished
citizen is from a Western paper :—" Peter Ink, an 'Old citizen
of Knox county, Ohio, was blotted out the other day,
aged 75."

Before his marriage Brougue praised the artistic
manner in which his wife "banged" her hair. Now he corn
plains of the cruel manner in which she bangs his head.
The second night after her first husband died she sat
by the open chamber window five hears waiting for the
cats to begin fighting in the back yard. Said she: "This
thing of going to sleep without a quarrel of some kind is so
new that I can't stand it? Let me alone till they begin ; then
1 can dose off gently?

Yesterday the blush of health was upon her cheek,
and the light of a happy spirit in her eye ; to-day, as she sits
apart, looking as yellow as saffron, and feeling as sullen as
a mud-turtle, he asks her tenderly what ails her, aud she
answers sharply, "Mince pie, you idiot."
The boys of Winnemucca., Nevada, bad some fun
with a showman. They formed a line from the ticket office
extending around a near corner. Each asked the price of
admission, and, when being told that it was fifty cents, shook
his head, said it was too dear, retired, and fell in the rear
of the line. This was kept up until the showman, astounded
by the unanimity, and the seemingly great numbers, reduced
the charge, and then every boy cleared out.
The Detroit Post publishes the following significant
notice ;—" Gentlemen and ladies contemplating suicide by
drowning will confer a favour upon the harbour master and
coroner by leaving word at the central station what dock
they intend jumping from. The harbour master is now pro-
vided is ith a handsome new drag aud set of grappling-hooks,
and is prepared to bring up dead bodies with neatness and
despatch."
"Our lynx-eyed assistant
A late -Chicago Pest says:
reports this morning Last 1,743 people slipped down yester-
day on the perfidious sidewalks Of these 1,148 were men,
403 women, and 200 miscellaneous. The table shows that
over ISO landed on their elbows; the others sat down. Of
the entire number, 1,742 of them swore-131 audibly."
An inhabitant of a New York suburb, after spending
a convivial evening, was discovered among the carrots and
cabbages of his humble garden, wrapped in slumber. "Well,
Bill,' said an admiring friend, as he shook the prostrate
youth, "what are you doing out here?" —" Watching for a
hen that's stole her nest," was the sententious answer.—
"But what are your eyes shut for, Bill? "--,, Don't want the
old hen to see me," gruffly ieplied the sleeping philosopher.
A tall, slim friend of a New York editor is in
trouble. He wants to know what character to assume at a
masquerade The editor advises him to chalk his head and
go as a btliiard-cue. Or he might braid his legs and go as a
whip-lash. Or he might swallow himself round and round
a few dozen time and go as a roll of tape. Or he might
wrap himself in the American Mg, and go as a barber-pole. Or
let him brhtle his hair up and go as a whitewash-brush. (Jr he
might put an insulator in his mouth, and go as a telegraph-
pole. Or, if he waked on his hands, he might go as a palr of
scissora.
itec,litly an Indiana schoolmistress attempted to
whip a big boy after school, when he threw his arms about
her and kissed her, and got off without a licking. Another
boy in an.other town read this item, and thought he'd try the
same thing. He threw his arms about the schoolma'am and
kissed her, and then he became aware of an earthquake.
hoe floored him and thrashed him awfully. This ecboni-
ma'm had a grown-up beau of her own: that was the diffe-
rence.
Killing storik recklessly is a common charge against
railroads in new countries, where there are usually no
fenced pastures and no fences to railroads, and every com-
pany has an account, sometimes quite formidable, of ex-
penses for stock kilted. But the Chicago Railroad Gazette
"never heard that stoce-raistug is prevented by radroaos
until this st eek, when it was reported that the Atchison,
Topeka, and saitt 4 14 Railroad hid killed t:he entire stack of
cattle in a whole county on its extension. And yr t this c.ne-
pauy is trying to settle the country on its line by recommend-
ing its advantages for stock-raising. (The stock ol the
county referred to cansinted of one cow.)"

The Queen arrived at Portsmouth at three o'clock
on Saturday. Her Majeaty landed at tour o'clock, and pro-
ceeded by special train to Windsor, where she arrived a nal°
before seven o'clock.