The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1882-01-03 00:00:00

tirittirL

Foam, Pourreasee.—Bewing to mosolity.
"Now tall me candidly, are you guilty!" lurked
solicitor of Ms cHant. "Why, do you suppoes I'd be fool
enough to hire you if I was innocent
Darruree Stons.—Dravring. music, and dancing.
A BLACK Tin.—A coloured wife.
Peon." who wonder why men's hair turns gray before
their whisker', should reflect that there is about twenty
peal' difference in their respective ages.
"Mamma mys you can't come to He bar any more,"
pad a boy to hie sister's admirer. "Why not? "
11' Because you come to see her seven nights in a week
mow, and bow could you come any more?
" rue candles you sold me last week were very bed,"
said Jerrold to a tallow chandler. "Indeed. sir, lUS
vary sorry for that." "Yen, sir • do you know they
pumt to the middle, and than wouldn't burn longer
' You surprise me ! Did they go out 1" " No, fir, Do•
they burnt shorter?"
A GREEN linocr.e.—One jitat credits everybody,
As a rule, the bower of the family does nothing towards
oroviding the daily bread.
"Struck by lightning" lathe cant term used by Mimes
when arreeted through information conveyed by Miepaph.
' •

IT takes SOO full:blown roses to mak;• tee-uneooiifni ol
perfume, while • pennyworth of cooked salons will nowt
• whole neighbourhood.
_ .

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IT is about an even thing between man and the onnge-
neeL Sometimes the man throws the orange-peal int,
idle gutter, and souietimes the orange-peel throws the num
into the gutter.
. . . .

WHAT trade was Lefroy ?—A Gold-beater.—Waa he
a bad financier t—Yes.—Why ?—liecause he threw away
'Gold," and ran away trots the " coppers."
•

. •
ARTEII I'S WAND once commenced a leetnrei " Ladies end
gentlemen. I peewee a gigantic intellect, but I haven't it
with nie."

TH6 man who said that the temperance party was going
...arise like "a giaut refreshed with wine" was rather on-
iortunate is his choice of a simile.
IT is against the law to carry concealed arms, but ft
nothiihr uocommun, on moonlight evenings, to see
young ladies with half-concealed arms rousd their
waists.

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A tvomAn may offer in excuse for her red nose that the
!wee too ti.:lttly, but what shall • man say? 0. be use
offer the Pam.. excuse. Ile also gets too " tightly "by so-
lacing himself.
hone of the American mosquito on his snivel is
London "Peli to turn. I smell Ms blood of ais
Zziglishman ; I must and I will and I shall him some.'
And he pude his action to his song.

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A sorTs sax lesisletor is actively advocating & bill
requiriwz the 11111110 of the pbysidan wlm attended tha
decesse.l to be ennroved on the tombstone. TIMI con-
sternation this causes in medical circles may be imaglaad
but uever, no never descritsxL

English language is rich in synonymous terms. A
mechanic in search of work is" oat of • job; • clerk la
the same predicament is" disengaged:" and a protein
gond man similarly placed is at " Issue-.." The
mechanic " gets work," the clerk " ocinxisota " himself with
some eddilishment, and the professional man " resumes "
practice.
A CHAP went to a barber's Al to get his hair trimmed.
He Dobbin! bed • fringe raised h hued.
bald sir," soul t' barber • "bays you tried oar herr
renovator." "Oh yes," ;eplied, t' chap, "put It woe-rant
'at made my hair cam off.
"Mi. BOATMAN," said a timid woman to a ferryman
who WI rowing her across the river, "are people ever
log in this river?" "Oh, no, ma'am," be replied, "WI
always find'em again within a day or so."
Ilium humour, hard knocks as it bas received, is not
dead yet. A Mood of mine, a major in the county militia
and chairman of petty sessions in the province of
Limiter, lately sentenced an old lady, who had given the
police a good deal of trouble through drunken and Ur
order../ conduct, to two mouths' imprisonment. Percale.
ins she was rattier stdonished at the action of the Bence,
the maces asked her if she had anything to say against it,
when, athaneing to the front of the dock, slt• thus
delivered herself: "I have this to my. I have been
divorced by two husbands' my youngest sister has been
unfortunate; my eldest has lately been indicted for keep-
ing a disorderly house; hat'.—and here the old lady
herself up—" I'm plaid to say that I haw no NJ in
Mr militia." . . .

_
PROYDINAII, IMMhallg • /Rodent: What is • virgin
forest!—Student : A forest where no one has ever been.—
Professor, severely : Shall I never be able to induce you
to express your ideas elegantly and classically? Why
couldn't you say, " • forest where the hand of man has
Deter left its footprint."

" I WOULD rather vote for a long-eared donkey than
you,' said an independent inter to a candidate on eledicsi
day. "(to, COMO now, you ought not to allow yourself to
be influenced by family ties," responded the candidata.
The ..der has been puzzling his bead ever since to End out
why the crowd laughed.
. .

A GAINFATON ilarky rtsdud into a doctor's office the
other day aml exclaimed breathlessly, "Come on, doctor,
right ! Dar is somebody in my house who is in as
awful fix—laid up in bed airroanin' and airroanin'l"
" Who is it?" " It's ma. You see, boss, I didn't hab
nobody to send, so 1 mos myself.*

'rllrGltLu.,ee W trate'. —" Do you lcnow the prisoner
xee11..." asked the attorney. "Newer knew hien sick,'
replied the a itness. "No levity," maid the lawyer, sternly.
" Now, sir, dtb i.l you ever see the prisoner at . bar?"
" .r...k to..ny • drink with him at the bar ? " "Answer
toy question, air," yelled the lawyer. "How long have
an ki.own the pneoner?" "From two feet up to five
feet ten inches.' "Will the court make the —" " I
have, dedice," said the witness, anticipating the lawyer I
"I hae• enswered the question. I knowd the prisoner
atoll be ass a boy two feet loss sod a man five feet
ten—" "Your honor—" "It's • fac', Jedge ; I'm
moler guy oath," persisted the wham. The lawyer arm%
placed both hands on the table in front of him, spread his
legs Clint. leaned him body over the table, and said,
"Will yi.n tell the court what you know about this case?"
"That ain't his name," replied the witness. "What
aint his name?" "Case." " Who said it was?" "You
Yeti wanted to know what I knew about this cage—
his name's Smith." "Your Honor," yelled the attorney,
plucking his beard out by the roots, "will you make this
?" "Witness," said the judge, "„you must
answ.r the question put to yen." "Land o Goshen,
Jean... 'ham.' I bin din' it? Let him bre away, I'm
ready." " Theo." said the lawyer, "don't beat about the
bush any more, You and this prisoner have been friends."
"Neter," promptly responded the witness, "What I
Wasn't you summoned here as a friend?" "No, sir; I
was summoned here as a l'resbyterian. Nary qua of us
was ever friends--he's so old line Baptist, without • drop
of Quaker in him." "Stand down," yelled the lawyer in
disgust. " Hey ? " "Stand down." "Can't do it. I'll
sit down or stand up."
TRIXCie NOTAIIIIIRALLY KNoWN.—The berths on board
ship do not;necessarilv add to the census. The hatchways
are not hens'-nests. 'rile way of the ship is not the extent of
her avoirdupois. The boatswain does not pipe all hands
with a meerschaum. The 'hip does not have a wake over
• dead calm. The swell of • ship's side is not canoed by
dropsy ; nor is the taper of • bowsprit • tallow can*.
The bold is not the reamers grip. Tbe trough of tbe ship
Is not dug out cf the ship's log. Tin crest of • ways it
not the indication of its rank. The buoy is not the
captain'a ann. Ahips are never boarded at hotels. The
bow of a ship oi not evidence of politeness k saner%
dockinge are noer manufactured from a yarrrof his own
spinning. l'he sail. of a ship are not made by an anotioseenit
not are the stays L•onstzueted by • minims,.