The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle.
Stourbridge, West Midlands, England, 1876-08-19 00:00:00

SELECTED ANECDOTES.

A SFNSE OF UNWORTHINESS.—A gardener's boy
having gone to sleep under the shade of some fruit
trees; " Wretched fellow," cried his master, as he
awoke him; "are you not ashamed to sleep instead of
working? Go along with you, you. vagabond, you are
not worthy that the sun should shine on you." "That
is why I went into the shade," replied the boy.
WELCOME TO STAY.—One very cold night, an I. D.
in the eastern States of America was aroused from his
Slumbers by a -,iery loud knocking at his door. After
some hesitation he went to the window and asked,
" Wno's there ?" "A friend," was the answer, " What
do you want?" "Want to stay here all night," 'Stay
therc then," was the benevolent reply.
PHILOSOPHICAL ASTONISHMENT,—A great talker
having seized hold of Aristotle, wearied him
•by his
long and miserable stories, "Well," said the babbler,
at length, "are you not astonished?" "The only
thing I am astonished at, said Aristotle, "is, that any
one who has feet to run away on, should stop to hear
you."
LIGHT FOR THE BLIND.—A blind maa going for
water to a fountain, carried a jug in one hand and a
candle in the other. "What is the good of your
candle," said a passer-by, "since }on cannot see a,
step before you?" "It is to prevent stupid fellows
like you running against me and breaking my jug,"
replied the blind man.
ACUTE —A gentleman had a cask of wine, from
which his servant stole a large quantity. When the
master perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected!
the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an
opening." "Look if there be not a hole in the:
bottom," said a bystander. "Blockhead," he replied,
"do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and
not at the bottom?" ;
.flt.
YOUTHFUL BENEVOLENCE.—" Well, my boy," said a J
father to his eight-year-old son the other night, "what j
have you done to-day that naay be set down as a good
deed?" "I gave a poor boy a penny," replied young
Hopeful. " Ah, ha, that was charity, and charity is
always right. He was an orphan boy, was he?" I
didn't stop to ask," replied the son; gave him the ;
money for licking a boy who called me names."

THE CARDINAL IN THE WRONG.—At the siege of
Landrecies, in 1655, M. de in Feuillade was wounded
by a musket ball in the head. The surgeons said that
the wound was dangerous, and that his brain was
visible. " Ah, well, gentlemen," said la Feuillade,
"do me the pleasure to take a little of it, and,
whether I live or die, send it to the Cardinal Muarin,
who always says that I have none."

AN ABSTRUSE CALCULATION.—The proprietor of
some pasture grounds wrote over the gate of his en-
closure, "Excellent pasture for horses with long tails
and manes at a sh;lling a day, and for horses with
short tails and manes at sixpence a day." When
questioned as to the reason for this difference of price,
it turned out that the worthy man had calculated that
horses with short manes and tails befog tormented by
the flies, would only eat half as much as those which
possessed the means of driving them off.

A FRIENDLY "TURN."—Moses and Abraham, two
Polish Jews, called at a gentleman's house recently ,
and requested an interview. "I really can't admit
you, " replied the butler • "you are too dirty. Go
home and change your shirts.' "Oh, certainly," ex-
claimed both applicants in a breath, "there will be no
difficulty about that;" wed away. they went. In a
ceiarter of an hour they returned.
." Bet you are just
as dirty as ever, " cried the butler. "Well, we have
changed our shirts," argued the two Jews, eyeing one
another with amazement. The fact was, Abraham had
put on Moses's shirt, and Moses Abraham's.
PREPARED FOR THE WORST. —The custom of appoint-
ing young lawyers to defend pauper criminals received
a "back-set" the other day in an American district
court. His honour had appointed two young lawyers
to defend an old and experienced horse -thief. After in-
specting his counsel tor sons time in silence, the
prisoner rose in his place and addressed the bench :
"Air them to defend me?' "Yes, sir," said his
honour. "Both of' 'em?" inquired the prisoner.
"Both of thm," responded the judge. "Then I
plead guilty ;" and the fellow took his seat and sighed
heavily.
A BASHFUL OBSERVATION.—Nothing, perhaps, more
deserves our sympathetic commiseration than the posi-
tion of a timid young man who does not know what to
say to his partner at a ball; indeed, we have "hidden
depths" of indulgence for the unfortunate fellow who,
with heightened colour, ventures to remark, "It is very
warm," or "What beautiful dresses !" But, of all the
iobservations which could suggest themselves to a
youthful dancer overcome with bahfulnees, the fol'
!lowing, recently heard in a crowded ball-room, is cer-
tainly the most original. "I say," stammered the un-
happy youth, "I say." " Yea. ' "Did it hurt you
much having your ears pierced 7'
NOT WONDERFUL IN THE DEAD.—A. man, a Email
linendraper, went to the Morgue to ask for the body of
a misting relative—in fact, an uncle who was supposed
to have money. "Has my uncle come here ?" he in-
quired, as if speaking of a morning call,—" Many
uncles," replied the official.—" But mine is a large
uncle, fat, well-dressed, and must have ` arrived '
within three days."—lmpossible to say," replied the
functionary. So many drop in upon us! Had your
uncle any peculiarity by which his body could be recog-
nised after death 7"—" Certainly," replied the nephew;
you would know him at ones—he was stone deaf."
A PRECISE GARDENER.—A gentleman, wishing
some bushes removed from his garden, told his gar-
dener to pull them up by the roots. Some time after
he went into the garden, 'and found the gardener
digging trenches round the bushes. "Why, George,"
he said, "yeti need not dig around those small bushes
in that way! lam sure you are strong enough to pull
them up by the roots." "Oh, yes, sir," replied the gar-
dener, •' I am strong enough; but i must dig a little
before I can hold of the roots. If you had told me to
pull them up by the branches, I could easily have re-
moved them without digging."
SIR WILLIAM GRANT'S LIVING. Sir William
Grant, Master of the Rills, was a man of simple habits
and somewhat remarkable for his taciturnity and
reserve. As a politician, he was more narrow-mitided
than even several other distinguished lawyers. With
him originated the phrase of " the wisdom of our
ancestors." In his time the Rolls Court sat in the
evening, from six to ten ; and Sir William dined after
the Court'rose. His servant, it is said, when he went
to bed, left two bottles of wine on the table, which he
always found empty in the morning. Sir William
occupied two or three rooms on the ground-floor of the
Rolls house; and when showing them to his successor
in the Rolls, he said, "Here are two or three good
rooms; this is my dining-room; my library and bed-
room are beyond; and, 1 am told," he added, "there
are .some good rooms upstairs, but I was never there."
THE TEST OF LOVE. —He was such a nice-looking
young man, and, being Sunday evening too, the waiter.
girls at the hotel decided among themselves that he
would not touch the dish of raw onions placed at his
left hand. He did hesitate, but only for a moment—
piece after piece was lifted to his mouth and dieposed
of. Presently he lifted the last one, shook the vinegar
off, and carefully wrapped it in his silk handkerchief.
As he did so, the hotel-girls heard him Soliloquise: " I
believe that Gertrude-loves me. She acts as it she did,
and actions speak louder than words. To-night I
shall test her love. If I am the cherished of her heart,
she will not refuse to taste of this onion, so that my
breath shall not be perceivable. If she is cold and
fickle, I will rush from her father's mansion, and never
love again! "—American Paper.
Nov THE PROPER TIME An Indiana man was
travelling down the Ohio on a steamer with a mare
and two year-old colt, when by a sudden careen of
the boat all three were tilted into the water. The
Hoosier, as he rose, puffing and blowing, above water,
caught hold of the tail of the colt, not having a doubt
that tbe natural instinct of the animal would carry
him safe ashore. The old mare made for the shore,
but the frightened colt swam lustily down the current
with its owner still hanging fast. "Let go of the colt
and hang on to the mare I" shouted some of his friends.
" Baal ? " exclamed the Hoosier, spouting the water
from Li:, mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfound-
land dog; " ik.'e mighty fine, telling me to let go of the
colt; but to a man that can't swim this ain't exactly
the time for swapping horses."
DRAFTING' FOR THE ARMY.—The enrolling officer of
a district in Maryland, who was very active and
thorough in the performance of his duty., went to the
house of a countryman and made inquiry of an old
woman about the number and age of the " males •' of
the (sadly. After several had been named, the officer
inquired, "Is there no one else?" _"None," replied
the woman, "except Billy Bray.." "Billy Bray!
where is he?" "He was at the barn a moment ago,"
said the Old lady. Out went the officer, bat he could
not find Billy. Coming back, he questioned the old
weroan as to the age ef Billy, and went away after en-
rolling his name. The time of drafting came, and
among those on whom the lot fell was Billy Bray. No
one knew him. Where did he live? The officer was
called on to produce him, and then discovered, to Ma
diagwit that DiU,y Bray wee is4kae4

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AMERICAN CUTTINGS.

"Why do thebutterflies waft their wings ?"—a twenty-
two verse poem, by " Esmeralda "—is repectfully declined,
with the information that they have to do it or walk. .

A citiz 2n of Dakota took a Turkish bath in Omaha a
few days ago, and died within an hour. The verdict of the
jury was—' • fie hadn't ought to have got so much of the knua
off him at one time."

" Gen'l'men," exclaimed an old Connecticut salt, as
he grasped the brawny arm of a Yale College oarsman, and
called the company's attention to its muscular development,
genTmen, times lnt,elleck for yer."

It is diffi,ult to explain some of the great problems
of Nature. It is estimated that it takes eighteen centuries to
feral a foot of cast, but is a well-known fact that a ton left
out on the Filewalk will usually shrink 50 per cent. or more
In a single night.
A Brooklyn girl who was converted last winter is
now at Saratoga, and the ether say, in a letter toll, r mother,
she wrote, 'I find it impossible to h.l3g on to my religion
here, but don't say anything t 3 our minister about it, as I will
make It all up when I get home"

"What is that, da-rling ? " asked a young St. Louis
husband of his Chicago bride. She turned the heaven of her
deep blue eyes upon him and answered: "That is one of my
gaiters, dearest." "Ah," he Lidded, softly, "I thought it was
a dog keunel."

The very latest sensation at Saratoga is dubbed the
" chicken step." This novelty of movement is mainly in-
ulged in by certain young ladies while pa,sing along the
corridors, or through the parlours of the hotels, and consists
of very many rapid evolutions or steps per minute, very
similar to the duplex shufil-, and the body elevated on toes,
and inclined at an angle of forty-five. Like the Grecian
bend, it must have its day.

We behold, says a Long Branch correspondent, a
brunette in a cerise composition that is "ruddier than the
cherry," flecked with white lace, and having for a top piece a
hat freighted with blossoms of a rival hue in brightnefs. She
lolls in a carriage-seat beside a fair blonde whe is darkly,
deeply, beautifully blue in dress, and she keeps at bay with the
point of her parasol a more elderly dame whose attire of a
darker shade threatens to kill hers by contrast.
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