The Dorset County Express and Agricultural Gazette.
Dorchester, Dorset, England, 1869-12-28 00:00:00

• FIW APH01.1•11/1.

Be contented with your lot especially at I public
auction.
Avoid disputes; never be • wrangler ; exeept at
Cambrulgv.
The darkest host (as • rule) is just before the gas is
lighted.

-You cannot do without money; you may do without
• mother-io-law.

Ki.ep year tem. per, and your carriage.
klisers are always ci•il, for civility owls nothing.
Never beie on opportenity, .1. an umbrella,
Re sati•he I with thi go av they alit; t..ke the crust
with the crumb.

yon are in • publiei,flloe, be punotual—at all events
in leaving.

batten, ; botcher., bakers, butlun ;
Civil bvrvico stores ; all war fil you, but yotu bout
-
looker will htlp you to toe Wt.

HODINHOLD ILWIPIB.

To Ded.-oy Black Balles.--Turn • pack a fogbound'
into the kitchen.
To Cmre Smoky Minato.-- Disoontinne arra
To art Rid of °Aosta. Use ditinfeoting fluid

_
To Expel Dry-Rel.—Soak the places affected with the
finvet dry alwrry.
To get the Screamer op early in Ms Morning.—Send
thvei to bed early at night.
To Rerire the Fire.—Tie up the front-door knocker in
C white kid glove.

-
T. Prevent the Beer going too Aut.—Posen the key
to the my.tery.
Tu Amid Draughts.—Don't take eny.
D.strup Moths. —o..llset buttet
Huw to keep Plate Man.—Wrap it up I. silver
pier.

•
Flow to dispow of Old Newspaper.. —Pot them Into
the brown study.

If • raft e 1 timber contains several million foot,
how many woo Mo legs will it produce?
MEDICAL.—Why cannot a meilieal man be 0 wide-
awake ?"—Because he's always "doing!"
There is one thing among many in this life to try
men more than any other. It in--a jury.

Grove people are to be reverely avoided; but we nee
nO rOMPOU Why 000 W hi) is a grocer may 1101 be
rated in friendly way.

" &mho, why ;in dat nigger down de hole oh be
boat like a chicken in de egg ? "—', 1 gives um up."
—'"Cattue lis couldn't git out of it 'rowel for de
hat,."

A GREAT D111711liNCI.—" The friends and 0P-
Noma./ of the bill," said A'Beckett, "axe divided
Into two very clistinot classee—the a-bility and the

SOON KaT MICSDED.—nit ill a shame, husband, that
I have to sit here mending your old elothes!"—
" Don't my a word about it, wife; the least mid the
soonest mended."

-
Some great burly Irish counsellor once said to
Curran, "II you go on so, I'll put you in my pocket."
—" If you do," said Curran, you'll have more law
In your pocket than ever you had in your heath"
Which is worth most, five pounds in gold, or a five.
pound bank note P—The bank•note ; because you
always dewily it when you put it in your pocket, and
you will find it always increase* (in creases) when
you take it out.

FELLOW FE EL/NO.—Garrick, ou leaving the stage,
said that a follow feeling makes us wondrous kind."
But that's not always the case. When we rtud •
jc cling for our watch,
.we Mil by no means lll-
elmol to be wondrous kind.

Foote was ostentatious and vulgarly fine before his
gue,ts. As soon as the cloth was removed front the
table he would abk, " Dow anybody drink port?"
It the unanimous answer happens to be, "no," he
always called out to the servant in waiting, "Take
away the ink."

Theodore Hook onee dined with Mr. Hatchet.
"Al.! my dear fellow," mid his boat, depreentinely,
"I an. aorry to my you will not get to.day such a
dinner as our friend Tom Moore it 3 70 111.".--" Cer-
tainly not," replied Hook "from a Hatchet one can
eaFect nothing hut a chop."

In • &met churchyard may be seen the following
curious epitaph Itichard Ba.t, tho old clerk of
who had continued in the office of clerk
awl seztou for the space of forty•three year., whom
melody was warbled forth as if he had been thumped
on the back with a atone, was balled on Ike 20th of
&plumber, 1666."

One of the physicians of Barlington,Vermout driv-
ing into town on election morning, wow met by •
friend, who hailed him with the question, "Have you
vote I r.-" Nut yet," mulleod the doctor; "but I
Lave been out all night after • voter. I got him mfo,
too."—" When will ho voto P"—" Oh, about twenty-
one
,years from now."

EQ1.41-frY.—A highwayman and chimney-sweep
were condemned to be hanged at the same time at
Tyburn— the first for au exploit on the highway, the
littler for a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther
off este% ion?" said the highwrifman, with some
disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, ' I won't keep off;
I have as much right to be bore as you."
A relonreil servant nearing out a bachelor's room
found a sixpeuee on the carpet, which he carried to
the owner. "Yon may keep a fer your honsay."
MA he. A short time after he missed his gold pencil
case, and inquired of his servant if he had seen it.
Yes sir," WY the reply. "And what have you done
with it ?" "Kept it for my latinestY. sir."
An American paper tells the following story of •
man who being out in his boat fell overboard and
not being able to swim, conceived the idea of strik-
ing bottom and "footing it" ashore. Accordingly,
shutting his eyes and teeth firmly together, he struck
Out for the shore, until, believing he must be near
land, be opened his eyes and found himself in this
middle of a corn-field.
A country apothecary, not • little distinguished for
his impudence, in the hope of disconcerting • young
clergyman, whom he know to be a man of singular
modesty, asked him, in the presence of • large com-
pany, at a public assembly, "Why did the patri-
archs of old live to such an extreme age ?" to which
the clergyman replied, "I suppose the ancient pa-
triarchs took so physic."
" See 'Eli Qincli.—A young member of the bar
thought he would adopt a motto for himself, and
after much reflection, wrote in large letters, and
posted up against the wall, the following "Seam
evivit,," which may be translated, "Let every one
Lave his own." A country client, coming in, ex-
pressed himself much gratified with the maxim, but
added, "You don't spell it right."—" Indeed! then
hew ought it to be spelt r—Tho visitor replied, "Sue
sin' quick."

ldany years ago Prince lietternich first tasted
rhubarb tart in England, and was so pleased with it
that he took case to send some plants to his Austrian
garden. On the occasion of a large party, in the
following year, the Prince ordered rhubarb to be
served up, dressed as it was in England. His cook
knew nothing of English usage, and, selecting the
large leaves, served them up an spinach. The guests
made wry faces at this English dish, and well they
might; rhubarb was discarded thenceforth from the
Prince's table.

SAVE ME YI:01/ MT FHICTUIL—We were amused
recently at • story told upon himself by a man who
is notorious as • long.winded talker. Said he, "See-
ing my friend Junes being bored by • man, who had
him button-holed, and was talking him blind, I called
to Jones that I wanto Ito i•ee him at once, on parti•
cular busiums. Ile came to me, when I explained to
him that I had no business, but was merely calling
him away to save his being talked to iloath.—'Very
much obliged,' said Jones; 'but (looking very anx-
iously about him), who on mirth Mall I find to ISTO
me from you "
_ _

A sheriff was once asked to execute a writ again' st
a Quaker. On arriving at his house he saw the
Quaker's wife, who, in reply to the inquiry whether
her hu.band was at home, said he was, at the same
time requesting him to be seated, and her husband
would speedily see him. The officer waited patiently
for some time, when, the fair Qnskeress coming into
the mom, he reminded her of her promise that he
might see her husband. "Nay, friend," said she; "I
promised that ho would see thee. lie has seen thee.
Ile did not like tby looks; therefore he avoided
thee and bath deputed bruin the house by another
path."
- -

A CURIOUS CAMS YOU ma LAWYERS.—A French
farmer and a butcher concluded their bargain over a
savoury dish of eels. The botcher, during the repast,
drew from hi. mina • bank-note to pay for • sheep
he had purcha.ed. Unfortunately the note fell into
the sauce. The butcher Gabor! it up delicately be-
tween his finger and thumb, and shook it gently to
remove the Ranee, but the fanner', dog, interpreting
tie action for a gracious invitation, snapped at and
•iped down the note. The batcher was furious and
al Med. "I want my note," said he. " I will kill and
01' your dog."—"l prohibit you,"replie I the farmer,
"fl dog is worth more than the note."—" Then,"
the botcher, "I owe you nothing, your dog
ha" nt red payment, and in presence of witnesses
too.' —"Oh," continued the farmer," my dog is not
n,3 03.1,,,r, and, further, if you have paid me, where
h.your ptp"—" If it come, to that," cried the
bufrhc," "will bring the matter before the judge;"
au'l to Coon they have both appealed.

--
BENEFIT% w mAriumowy.— Single blessedness
is not good for • married man of mature years. Ile
gets along very ~,.11 for • little while, until his lad
fortnight..e waslg is brought, when he begins to
realise tbe vh.lhe A matrimony by the absence of shirt
buttons. Man erni ...vol. be an independent creature
until the necessity mbuttons coo he dhp,thood with.
In a lodging-I,mm) 4 nun Ku considerable cOllO/31i
taken out of him. buereet in the estakaharnent
is ; authority h.. I,sniooe.itj.landladysgress
to fodder him two or three times a dor. ,thd stable
him at night somewhere an the third floor, lie mu%
complain of the coffee, or srowi if the potatoes are
underdone. If ho doesn't ,;he it, be can ways it.
There are other lodgingdioues' e and be has g choice
of evils. In the evening he los all the world before
him. He hal Perfect liberty of choice between his
bedroom and the street. There is s perioar, to be sum;
but the_young lady who has steady company is always
there. You go in, and the damsel Iwo, daggers. Her
young mart Woks as though _ha sr," ilk. to punch
your bead. if You ase Ptahehisd a sensitive and
sympathetic nature, you can't mist thy mate but
eloquent appeal. Ispecially whet it Naito home to
you. as it does to me, that there was a time wea you
were similarly situated. Mow would you in.,, liked it
yourself? These is no alternative but to suddeuly re.
member that you "harem appointment,. wsoeyour
bee, ead reth cat Into the stmt. 0011 Ir Cnarus.