arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?
Counselor response: The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, "That makes sense" or "I hear you" or "I get that."3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info: http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/
Question: My boyfriend is in Ireland for 11 days, and I am an emotional wreck.
Counselor response: It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close.  Do you typically spend most of your time together?  If so, it may be important to reflect on how you feel when you are apart.  If any separation is difficult, you may need to examine why.  Think about what it is that you miss and what you are anxious, upset or worried about.  If you examine the causes of your distress you likely will experience some relief.   It is important to learn how to be happy when you are alone, it will only improve the way you feel when you are with your boyfriend.
Question: For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.
Counselor response: Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences.  Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life.  Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep.   ¿Cómo puedo hacer que los sueños y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las últimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles.  No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sueños pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas.  Muchas veces estos síntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traumáticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar.  Es útil encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sueños y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos.  También sería un buen momento para discutir cualquier situación traumática que te haya ocurrido. Además te sugiero que escribas tus sueños, especialmente si te mantienen despierto  en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir.
Question: After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?
Counselor response: For me, I want a client to feel like I understand what brings them to seek help from me. So I might explore both their present circumstances, as well as their history, and try to start making some connections between the two, but so that the both of us can understand what is taking place. Not every therapist goes into history in the same way, either. The way the therapist practices will often inform the ways in which they collect and look at data.However, above all, my goal, especially in the beginning of therapy, is to work on developing a working rapport with any client. Most research states that the quality of the relationship, rather than modality of therapy, indicates success rates. One of the most essential components of rapport is that someone feels heard, attuned to, and understood.
Question: I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?
Counselor response: I think this is a very common question that people who have never been to counseling before have.  There is a lot of anxiety in going to counseling for the first time.  This is normal.  In answer to your  question, the answer is an absolute NO!  An important thing to remember about getting counseling is that it is a courageous first step towards hope and healing.  Getting help is like training to run a marathon, it is not a sprint.  You have shared a lot of issues that you are dealing with from your past, that are now negatively impacting your present, but I believe that in getting the right kind of help and support, none of them are impossible to overcome.  Part of the therapeutic process is defining and prioritizing therapy goals.  In collaboration with you, as a client, a therapist is there to help you with this process in determining what you would like to work on first.  Not getting counseling, based on the history you have shared, has the potential to put you more at risk for mental and physical health issues.  You are already seeing this happen as you begin to experience new symptoms, namely your anxiety.  In therapy, you will gain understanding and insight, as well as learn skills and strategies to manage the symptoms you are experiencing.In conclusion, I would encourage you to reach out to a licensed counselor who has experience in treating trauma, grief/loss and will address shame.  These are three areas that I have found that gets to  the core issues that are contributing to your depression and anxiety.   I believe you can get the help you need to find hope and healing.  Best of luck to you!
Question: I saw my mother cheating on my dad before. I said something to her, and she said it was in the past. Yesterday, I saw her texting dirty things to the same guy. Should I talk to her again? I don't want my parents to go their separate ways, I just want her to stop. it's not fair.
Counselor response: You as the child in the middle of your parents' problems is the worse position to be in.  I can only imagine your hurt, pain and confusion on what to do.  Honestly, this is a hard question to answer without knowing your age, your parents' ability to handle hearing information from you and your maturity to handle what may happen in the end.  One thing I would like to note....your parents may be in the same house but if your mother is cheating, they have already gone their separate ways.
Question: I'm in my late 20s. I have two jobs right now, I'm in school, and I feel like I just have a lot under my belt right now. I get stressed out really easily. I tend to worry and over-think. I'm just worried about money and everything.
Counselor response: A good start is to pay attention to some basic issues: sleep, nutrition, exercise and socially supportive relationships. A great car on an empty tank will not get you very far.
Question: I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?
Counselor response: "Practice makes perfect"!Simply by expressing yourself and listening to if others listen and understand you, then modifying your next try with whatever improvements you think of based on the impressions you feel others have of you, will progress your self-expression.Also, one way to lessen the tension before speaking to someone is to tell them you feel unsure on how best to express yourself.  This way you've prepared them to be patient with whatever words you do state.
Question: I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks.    Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right.
   Are they right, am I depressed?
Counselor response: I wouldn't necessarily say you are clinically depressed based on
that first paragraph in your question. Because that could describe more
introverted behavior (people who feel more energy from a more internal approach
as opposed to those who feel more energy from being among others.) It is more
in the second paragraph that I would be inclined to say that further
exploration is definitely needed. The diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder is
more than just those two symptoms, but there are more mild forms of depression
that can be equally damaging to someone if left untreated.However, one of the trickiest parts of this is that someone who
feels they are not worth knowing may also believe they are not worth having a
therapist know them, and even less worthy of being helped. Do you feel that
might be you? If so, could we acknowledge that as a part of the big picture,
and all wrapped up in these feelings about yourself, and realizing that
thoughts and feelings aren't always rational (in that you are worth getting the
help)?My recommendation just from the information would be that you seek
out a supportive, listening ear in the form of a therapist, who can allow you
the space to express some of these difficult experiences, and help you name FOR
YOURSELF, what your struggle is. To empower you to name it for yourself, as
opposed to everyone labeling and/or judging you for it, might be an extremely
worthwhile start for you.
Question: I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?
Counselor response: Nope! In fact you are NOT a pedophile. That term is reserved for older adolescents attracted to children, or adults who are attracted to children. I see an age difference as being one key factor in determining pedophilia if the older person is still in adolescence. You being only a year older than your girlfriend doesn't qualify, so go right ahead and be attracted to your girlfriend without shame!
Question: I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?
Counselor response: I am so sorry this is happening to you.  One thought I have is for you to create a mantra or a soothing statement to say over and over to yourself as you are being bombarded with this negativity and abuse.  For example you could say "Living here is temporarily, one day I will have my own place".  Or you could say something like "I am a good person, I am a good parent, and I always try to do the best I can".  Saying this over and over to yourself as you are listening to your parents will help you to tune out some of their words but it will also start to build more positive neural connections and start to wire your brain to build and/or strengthen your self esteem.  Focus on the temporary nature of your situation, start making plans for leaving the situation.  If you are under 18 and can't leave because you are in school, now is a good time to start planning for when you can leave.  That when when the opportunity is available you know how you will get a job, how you will find an apartment, who will provide daycare.   This will make the transition out of your parents home much easier and it will give you something to look forward to while you are in their home.  Take care!
Question: My husband cheated while I was pregnant with our son with a so-called friend. This was before we were married. We split and eventually worked things out. I thought I trusted him so we got married. Now he flirts with girls in front of me. I've talked to him, but nothing helps.
Counselor response: This sounds very painful for you.Are you able to tell him how his flirting affects you?Maybe he doesn't care enough to change, and maybe he does.Long term if he continues this then usually people feel they have two choices, put up with it, which of course greatly reduces the sense of satisfaction in the relationship.   Or, of course, you can decide to end the relationship.  This choice is quite significant now that you have a child together.  Give yourself plenty of time to think over the best outcome.
Question: For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.
Counselor response: Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.  If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening.
Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?
Counselor response: Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC
Question: My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night.
The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. 
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.
Counselor response: It can be very frustrating being lied to.  The one thing that struck me was the sentence he had a alcohol addiction "in the past."  Addiction is not something that comes and goes.  Once you have addict tendencies they are here to stay.  You may be able to fight them off for awhile but the will enviably rear their ugly head again.  Some of the things that we would suggest is taking the access away.  If the alcohol is not conveniently in the house he would have to go seek it out elsewhere.  You can think about it in other terms.  If chocolate cake was your favorite food and you were a diabetic, you would not have chocolate cake lying around all the time because you know you would eventually eat it.  Remember there are no temporary addicts.
Question: I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
Counselor response: Feelings of worthlessness often originate  from what you learned about yourself when you were young. Improving your self esteem needs focus on that original message from parents, teachers or siblings that may be suppressed.  Most of us need help to uncover the "lie" because you were born valuable!
Question: I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud.    How can I get over this feeling?
Counselor response: It sounds like you are on the right track. Recognizing these nagging thoughts of self- doubt as "imposter syndrome" is a huge step in the right direction.  From what you have written here, it appears that you are able to challenge your own thoughts and provide yourself with evidence that counteracts the imposter syndrome.   Continuing to remind yourself of what you have accomplished and looking at the facts at hand can help diminish doubt.  Remember, many successful people battled imposter syndrome on the way to the top (and still manage it).  It might be helpful to read some of their stories so that you don't feel alone.  "The Cut" has a great article on "25 Famous Women on Imposter-Syndrome and Self-Doubt".   Business Insider has a great article about men and the imposter syndrome too.  Remember, if you jumped through all of the hoops to get into school and get published-- you belong.
Question: My boyfriend and I have been disagreeing on a lot lately. It's really coming down to the fact that we want opposite things sometimes. I do a lot for him: I take care and protect him, and in the end, he still doesn't trust me. We've both come to the conclusion that when I want something and he doesn't want it, he's not willing to find a happy medium whatsoever. It's just non-negotiable. I'm not sure what to do honestly. He doesn't trust me as much as I wish he did. Honestly, sometimes I feel like his enemy, and it kills me.
Counselor response: There’s a difference between what you want, what you need and what you have. Being able to assertively identify express your wants and needs to your boyfriend may be helpful in times of negotiation. Often couples focus on recounting all the negative traits and issues when is time to negotiate and that impairs the ability to explore and find solutions objectively.You could use couples mediation to learn assertive communication skills and filter the information needed to resolve or negotiate a solution. Mi novio no transa conmigoÚltimamente, mi novio y yo hemos tenido muchos desacuerdos. Todo se debe al hecho de que queremos cosas diferentes.  Yo hago mucho por él, lo cuido y protejo, y al final, el no confía en mí.  Ambos hemos llegado a la conclusión que cuando yo quiero algo que él no quiere, él no está dispuesto a encontrar el punto medio.  No es negociable.  No estoy segura de que hacer. El no confía en mi tanto como quisiera que lo hiciera, a veces siento su enemiga y eso me mata. Hay una gran diferencia entre lo que quieres, lo que necesitas y lo que tienes.  Poder identificar y expresar asertivamente lo que quieres y necesitas en tu relación te ayudara en los momentos de negociación.   Muchas veces las parejas se enfocan en recontar todos los problemas y características negativas a la hora de negociar, y eso les impide hablar claramente del problema presente e identificar soluciones específicas.Pueden usar la mediación de parejas para aprender técnicas de comunicación asertiva y tener asistencia filtrando e identificando la información que les ayudara a resolved o negociar una solución al problema.
Question: I had to put a restraining order against my ex-fiancé. He was served last night. He was mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I thought it was my nerves, but every time I stand up, I get sick. If I sit and rock, I'm fine.
Counselor response: Hello, and thank you for your question. You may be right, your physical symptoms of getting sick to your stomach may very well be your nerves or anxiety. That is totally normal and understandable given your circumstances. Another thing that is not unusual is that you feel better when you sit and rock. That is actually a fairly common way that many people comfort themselves in times of high stress. If you are concerned that there is an actual physical illness causing these symptoms, you may want to visit your primary care provider. They may tell you that they don't see anything physically wrong with you, and at that point you may want to visit a counselor about the symptoms and your relationship experience. A visit with a counselor may be a good idea either way. I work as a counselor in primary care, and I promise you that many people have very real physical symptoms when they have gone through abuse. Unexplainable stomach and headaches are very common. Sometimes, with counseling, those physical symptoms actually stop. Be well, and I hope you feel better soon.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC