arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she’s on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn’t even have custody of herself. She hasn’t asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?
Counselor response: Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that "no" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her. First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying "but maybe later". No need to apologize or hum and haw..."We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the "but" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best.
Question: The father of my kids and I have been broken up for about three years now. We always found our way back to each other. He had a baby with someone else he's with but still shows the same love he showed when we was together when he's around. He even gets jealous, but he ignores my calls.
Counselor response: Your story sounds like it gives you a great deal of tension and disappointment.You know you are not getting the amount of love and kind of relationship you'd like.It is almost as though you feel that "something is better than nothing".Reflect within yourself whether the balance of what you receive in this relationship is worth the sacrifice of not getting as much love as you wish.Depending on your decision you will know whether to drop this relationship or continue the same as its been.
Question: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?
Counselor response: It depends on your definition of "normal"!:) I would say that the average client I see feels some level of nervous energy when they come into their sessions, and especially at the beginning. I think that with clients who I work with that have difficult times in relationships, maybe being able to trust people is tougher for them given their life experiences, the expectation would be that they have a harder time moving through those nerves and feeling more at peace in sessions.In my opinion, a competent therapist could help you explore where these nerves are actually coming from (talking about yourself, relating to another, something else?) I encourage all of my clients to bring up whatever emotions are coming up for them in the moment, as it's helpful to the client to recognize the "present moment" emotion and then being able to process, learn from, and move through to a more peaceful place, if that is what is being sought.
Question: I constantly have this urge to throw away all my stuff. It’s constantly on my mind and makes me feel anxious. I don’t sleep because I’m thinking about something I can get rid of. I don’t know why I do it. I started years ago when I lived with my dad then I stopped when I moved in with my mom. Years later, it has started again.
Counselor response: Since you wrote that you noticed a change in your throwing away urge when you changed with which parent you lived, would you feel that throwing away things is connected to wanting to be done with certain areas of influence with either parent?Play in your mind with the metaphor of "throwing away" and whatever associations you feel toward this.  Are you feeling alarmed or freed, by throwing away things?  I'm only suggesting these, not telling you that they apply necessarily.Anxiety comes up when people feel helpless to manage a meaningful part of their lives.  So pay attention whether your stuff represents difficult scenarios or phases of your growing up years.   Possibly you are trying to rid yourself of painful feelings which were part of your early years' relationship with either parent.Basically, sounds as though you are trying to establish a clearer sense of who you are and the throwing away part is a means of discovering who you are, once all the clutter is released.
Question: My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her?  I want her to stay.
Counselor response: You should start by speaking with her about what has her so down. Have their been some significant events in her life that have affected her? Have their been significant events in your relationship that can be affecting  you both? If she just stopped drinking, she may be struggling to finding an alternative and healthier behavior. This is something the two of you can explore together. Also, if need be perhaps she can speak to a therapist to discuss her feelings about quitting alcohol. It sounds like you really care and right now she could use all the support she can get despite her pushing you away.
Question: I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions.
Counselor response: My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this  from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session. Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you. If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist.
Question: That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.
Counselor response: It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, "enough." Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An open dialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys.
Question: We don't have sex a lot. I cheat when we argue. I don't kiss or have unprotected sex with them. It's a one time thing, and I never see them twice.
Counselor response: Hello, and thank you for your question. The question about
whether or not to cheat is based on personal values that can only be answered
by you. However, here are a few things to consider and questions to ask
yourself to help you find your answer:
1.    
Do you feel like you are violating your own
values or morals? This is important, because we all have different values and
morals surrounding sex, love, and monogamy. If you value monogamous
relationships and find yourself cheating on your partner, then you may feel
like you are living in contradiction to your values, and most people are not
happy when they do that. However, if monogamy is not something you value, then
perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine if it is still
right for you. Not all people want monogamous relationships, and that
is alright. Finally, if you value your husband’s feelings and know that the
affairs would hurt him, then your behaviors may again be in contrast to your
own values. That can only be determined by you. 
2.      Based on how you describe your relationship, it
sounds like you are not very satisfied with the way it is.  From the outside, it looks like the affairs
are a way to “get even” with your husband or to feel better after an argument. This
is something that can happen when mutual respect starts to fade in a
relationship and gets replaced with contempt. We can simply stop caring about
how our actions hurt each other, or potentially hurt each other. Perhaps the
question to ask here is, when you look out toward the future with your husband,
is this the pattern that you want to keep? The pattern of very little sex,
argument, and then satisfying the pain or dissatisfaction with affairs. 
 3.      What are your goals for this relationship? If we
start to become disconnected in a relationship, we can begin to do things on
autopilot. Get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. None
of which requires any intimacy at all. Are you still able to see the hopes and
dreams you once had for this relationship?
 4.     
Have you considered seeking marital counseling? Not
having affairs won’t actually fix the part of the relationship that is leading
you to have them. If there is something broken, it sometimes requires some help
to get it fixed. 
 Hopefully these questions and thoughts will help you come to
some kind of conclusion about what is right for you and your relationship. I certainly
wish you well. 
 Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Question: I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?
Counselor response: Usually people who struggle with depression also have symptoms of anxiety. These symptoms come about as a result of underlying causes. The obstacles you have been overcoming such as abuse, cancer and insomnia likely bring about similar feelings and emotions in you which affect your self-esteem. Counseling is meant to support people who have layers of difficulties. We see the difficulties as layers to an onion, peeling away the many layers.
Question: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?
Counselor response: I am so sorry to hear about your loss. He must have been very special to you and it definitely makes sense that you are having a hard time with it. Counseling may be an option if you have a university near you with a graduate marriage and family therapist program. Graduate students provide counseling at a very low cost as part of their traineeship.  Here is an example... http://www.clucounseling.org/.  Another possibility is a support group for bereavement and loss. Many are free. I wish you the best towards healing your heart.
Question: When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.
Counselor response: I agree with your observation about your daughter feeling stressed.  Are you able to open this topic in conversation with her?Also, reflect on your own expectations as a parent.  It is possible that your daughter is trying to please you by getting consistently high grades.If your daughter prefers talking in confidence to a therapist, then this may help her regain a sense of balance in her life so that schoolwork feels less stressful.I wouldn't take her to a doctor because based on what you write, the problem is psychological and emotionally based.  While the stress may have physical symptoms, addressing the root cause of the problem has nothing to do directly with something being physically wrong with your daughter.Unless there is some other medical or physical problem that would explain your daughter's sense of stress,  I'd start first by bringing your areas of concern to your daughter, then possibly to a therapist.
Question: How does a person start the counseling process?
Counselor response: A great place to start is at www.psychologytoday.com.  You can search by location and identify therapists who have expertise in your area of concern.  Once you find a few people that fit your criteria, read about them on Psychology today as well as check out their website if they have one.  Next, either call or email them to set up a time to talk for a few minutes.  When you speak with them, you want to know a few things: do they have a decent amount of experience in your area of concern?  Are their fees, insurance coverage and scheduling availability a good fit for you?  Most importantly, see if you feel comfortable when you speak to them on the phone!  If this person is a good match in these areas, schedule an initial consultation so that you can see if you are also a good match in person.
Question: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.
Counselor response: 
Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at
the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some
relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a
therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what
the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help
control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend
you try:
Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and
take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of
action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become
angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in
the way. 
Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the
count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about
5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this
time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during
situations in which you are angry or upset.
Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your
thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts
telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support
the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the
negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive
ones. 
Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I"
statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her
by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such
as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get
to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't
even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white
language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what
you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want
to be responsive and offer fair solutions.
I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes
from.
Question: I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. 

I feel like I don't  want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered  "wrong" by a lot of people.

How can I get myself to just move on?
Counselor response: It's difficult to move on and let go, especially when you've experienced things for the first time with someone, or feelings you've never felt before, as you said.I like the fact that you are looking at your situation "logically".  Feelings can take time to fade, but you seem to understand, even if it is subconsciously, that it's the feelings he stirred up in you that are keeping you tied to him, not necessarily the person himself. Realize that you can and will experience those feelings again with another person - the RIGHT person. Don't hold onto someone who is wrong for you just because of something like this. You're wanting those feelings and wanting a relationship - but with him necessarily? Or with anybody? You said you don't want to be without your love for him - not you don't want to be without him. In fact, you said you know you need to be without him. It seems like it's the LOVE that you can't let go of, and the feelings. Not the person. Trust me, you will find that again. Take some time to let this fade. Don't try to force him or anyone else into a role that is meant for someone else. Cherish the memories and the experiences you had. Sounds like it's been a valuable learning and growth experience for you, but you have your own reasons, and I don't know what they are, for thinking this person isn't good for you. Trust your gut instinct and be glad you've had this relationship. Not all are meant to last. But all shape you into the person you are and will become, and all teach us important lessons.
Question: Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. 

I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. 

What can I do?
Counselor response: Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they don’t see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousin’s issue and she’s taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you.
Question: I’m facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like I’m going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me.    How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?
Counselor response: Working with a great therapist who can help you learn ways to cope might be beneficial to you.  Sometimes just the act of being able to talk about things with a nonjudgmental person helps take some of the burden off of you.  A therapist can help you change your thought patterns and teach you coping skills to reduce your symptoms.
Question: I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like  they just want nothing to do with me.
Counselor response: As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.  How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.  Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic.