arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: I'm an early 20 something year-old virgin, and my boyfriend is in his early 20s with kids. He's cheated on me twice: once in the beginning and then four months ago. He wasn't use to dating a virgin and broke up with me three times because he wasn't sure. We both work at the same job (where we met) and it’s with the girl that works with us. I've been trying to get over it, but now my confidence and self-esteem are low, and sometimes I feel like he’ll do it again or that he's not ready to be with me. I think about it all over again when I see her. He says he's in love with me, and with the last time he cheated, it didn't feel right, and that's when he knew he had to stop because his feelings were for me. He's contacted her and told her he will not communicate with her because he's in a relationship with me.
   How do I gain confidence? Should I let him go? If I let him go, I don't want to be sad about it being that we work together. I try to tell myself I'm beautiful every day, and I think I am a pretty attractive female with a great personality, but I don't like the fact that she works there.
Counselor response: Sorry to hear about all the stress in the relationship.You're on the right track by knowing and sticking with your own standards of what qualifies as acceptable behavior by your boyfriend.Since he was the one who broke your trust, he is one in the position of earning back your trust.This is always a basic formula for couple's therapy in which there has been infidelity.Understand within yourself whether you'd like being with your boyfriend and what you'd like him to do so that you start feeling more secure in the relationship.If yes, then tell him what you now know about yourself as partner in the relationship.For example, some people who are getting over being cheated on, would like knowing details about the affair person, some people want to see the phone of the one who cheated.Recuperating after a cheating incident takes many months.If he tells you he'd like earning back your trust, give him some time to see if there is progress in this area.As results unfold, you will feel clearer on the direction your relationship is naturally taking.About the girl at work, she will feel less meaningful to you as you work together with your boyfriend on securing the relationship.She has her greatest meaning right now because you are at the beginning stage of knowing what direction to take.As you go along this road, more than likely, you'll be more at ease in naturally finding a way of relating to her that feels ok to you.
Question: Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?
Counselor response: Crying in therapy is a natural response, a relief to what you are going through. It is an expression of emotions, which is why you are going to therapy - to express yourself in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Rather than trying to stop crying, sit on the couch with it until it is done and you have finished with the clearing. The energy is not blocked, is moving - a good thing. It's good to cry.
Question: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky.  Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?
Counselor response: It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy.  I have gone myself as a Counselor and know what that feeling is like. This is normal but hopefully you have become more comfortable with your therapist. This might be something to bring up to your Therapist and openly discuss (scary to do but its ok) this may even relieve some of your anxiety.  If it continues, you may want to consider trying another therapist as this one may not be the best fit for you.
Question: In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together sexually and both have experienced sleeping with others.  I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not.  If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways?  I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done.  But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now.  Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so?
Counselor response: Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship.  There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work. Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other. That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband.  It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so.
Question: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.
Counselor response: Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.
Question: I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?
Counselor response: You're not a sociopath - you're traumatized. Shutting off feelings is our brain's automatic way of protecting us when something bad happens and we just can't deal with any more pain. It's temporary - which is both good and bad news, because after the numb goes away and your brain decides you're ready to handle it, you'll feel the emotional pain.  My advice is to get a therapist ASAP so you have a safe place and a safe person when that happens.This is a horrible thing that happened to you, but you are not a horrible person. With good therapy you will learn to assimilate this into the rest of your life. You'll never forget, but you won't have the same pain about it  .Good luck! You can do this!
Question: I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?
Counselor response: Let me start by saying there are never too many concerns that you can bring into counselling. In fact, most people who come to see me for counselling have more than one issue they would like to work on in psychotherapy and most times these are all interconnected. In counselling, we work together, collaboratively, to figure out which issues you would like to address first and then together we develop an individualized plan of care. Basically, it’s like a road map of where you want to go, how are you going to get there, looking at stopovers, some scenic routes others possibly not so scenic, however, necessary. Of course, these plans can also change due to internal (what we have control over like our thoughts, feelings and behaviours) or external reasons (those things that are outside our control). I would encourage you to take the next step and reach out to a professional you can trust and build rapport with by co-journeying through whatever concerns you have by examining what has been working so far as you have learned to cope with some of your issues like insomnia, depression and anxiety, as well as being a breast cancer survivor. Then to help you by developing new coping strategies. Psychotherapy can be such a powerful tool to help you get to where it is you want to be. I know you can do it and you will see first-hand how psychotherapy will help you to move past these points in your life where you are feeling stuck. I like to quote Nike where their motto is, “just do it.” You can do it.
Question: My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights.
Counselor response: Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that.He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home. He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame. I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully.
Question: My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.
Counselor response: I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears. On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom. If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.
Question: I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder.  How do I move on?
Counselor response: Dealing with a breakup is difficult. We have high hopes and then those hopes and dreams are dashed and we feel at a loss for how to deal with this sudden change in our lives. First, it is important to acknowledge that losing a relationship is a loss and we need to grieve that loss. If we don't allow ourselves time to process and move through the grieving process, we may remain stuck and it may make it hard to move on. So in some ways, you don't want to move on too soon by just trying to ignore your feelings. Instead, take good care of yourself, talk to friends and give your self time to heal. The second most important thing is to forgive yourself; this is also an important part of taking care of yourself. You might be blaming yourself and re-living moments when you wish you would have done things differently. By replaying those thoughts you remain stuck. When we begin to forgive ourselves, we truly begin to heal. Lastly, in my experience the people who have the most difficulty moving on have not really severed all ties with their ex. They are still following them on social media or even checking in with texts. This is probably the hardest part for some people, but to move forward there needs to be a clear boundary and a clear ending. If you have a clear ending, you can have a new beginning. I hope this helps. Take good care of yourself!
Question: I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.  Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?
Counselor response: The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with our parents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan
Question: I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?
Counselor response: Our body reacts to stress typically by breathing more shallowly, increasing our heart rate and tensing our muscles - so one thing that I find really effective is to try to do the opposite of that, which sends the signal to our mind that we are relaxed. So that means, taking slower, fuller breaths and trying to relax any areas where we might be gripping our muscles. Check out meditation apps such as 'Breathe', which can talk you through a relaxing breath exercise. I recommend using the app daily, whether you feel stressed or not, and then also using it when you re feeling particular moments of stress - that way you are practicing the skill when you feel calm(wish) and it'll be ready and able to help you when stress hits hard.
Question: I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?
Counselor response: Maybe because you have great emotional pain stored inside you of which you are not aware exists.Sometimes people who feel greatly hurt by others or who feel unloved by others, imagine if they do the opposite of love, which is to kill, that they will get the recognition and acknowledgement from others which they wish would come to them in a loving way.This is my theory, it is not necessarily a definitive description of your inner dynamic.Most important is to keep an open mind to self-discovery on your feelings, including the ones which are uneasy, such as killing, to consider.
Question: Sometimes 3 times a night.
Counselor response: That's a difficult question to answer. Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generally
experience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is just
whether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams
(or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD.  If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a local
counselor could help. If the dreams themselves
are not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do.
Question: The last of my emotions belong to my pets. Today my dad said he might get rid of them tomorrow. If that does happen I might dig hole in the ground with a paper that says "here lays my emotions. R.I.P." I practically have no emotions left and I came to the realization about this not being normal by comparing my reaction to certain situations to my family's. What's wrong with me?
Counselor response: It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on and now you are afraid you are going to lose the last things you care about, your pets.  I do not know what all is going on in your family, and I cannot answer for your dad’s actions or his reasoning behind this.I would recommend that you focus on developing healthy coping skills.  We cannot change what others do but we can change how what they do affects us.  If you have all of your emotions and all of yourself tied up into one thing (like your pets) then when that thing is taken away it causes a lot of emotional distress.  It is really good to have a wide variety of interests such as friends, hobbies, games, etc.  Develop other things that you care about and are passionate about.Another reason for developing healthy coping skills to deal with whatever might be going on in your life is if you don’t have healthy ones, you may develop some very unhealthy ones.  You have to cope somehow, right?  Developing unhealthy ways of coping with life is only going to make life more difficult for you.I don’t know if this is what it is like for you at your house, but there are two kinds of household environments that can cause dysfunction in children. One is when you grow up in a very rigid stern household where all decisions are made for you and you feel like you have no control over anything. The other is a household where things were chaotic and you never knew what was going to happen next and had no stability. People need to have some stability in their lives and need to feel in control over some things in order to feel safe.  Both of these environments can lead you to develop some unhealthy ways of coping with life.  Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings before it gets any worse.
Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?
Counselor response: I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment. Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!
Question: I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?
Counselor response: Dealing with a breakup is difficult. We have high hopes and then those hopes and dreams are dashed and we feel at a loss for how to deal with this sudden change in our lives. First, it is important to acknowledge that losing a relationship is a loss and we need to grieve that loss. If we don't allow ourselves time to process and move through the grieving process, we may remain stuck and it may make it hard to move on. So in some ways, you don't want to move on too soon by just trying to ignore your feelings. Instead, take good care of yourself, talk to friends and give your self time to heal. The second most important thing is to forgive yourself; this is also an important part of taking care of yourself. You might be blaming yourself and re-living moments when you wish you would have done things differently. By replaying those thoughts you remain stuck. When we begin to forgive ourselves, we truly begin to heal. Lastly, in my experience the people who have the most difficulty moving on have not really severed all ties with their ex. They are still following them on social media or even checking in with texts. This is probably the hardest part for some people, but to move forward there needs to be a clear boundary and a clear ending. If you have a clear ending, you can have a new beginning. I hope this helps. Take good care of yourself!
Question: I constantly feel like everyone is up against me and trying their best to shut me down. It's ruining my mood and even my whole self. I have trouble sleeping, and I keep having sleep paralysis while dreaming of others mocking and judging me.
Counselor response: The problem you describe sounds very wearing on your spirit.Are there particular reasons for why you feel everyone hates you?Have you been in a clash of ideas or opinions and feel yourself in the minority viewpoint?Or does your sense of being shut out start within your own mind, as though you anticipate that others will not like what you say?If actual conversations are leading you to feel left out, then evaluate whether to bring up certain points to the other person.Or, you may also decide that the relationships in which you feel shut out, are no longer worthwhile ones for you.If the problem is hesitating to interact because you imagine others will reject you, then maybe you can coach yourself into trying a small step toward introducing yourself and your thoughts to others.
Question: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?
Counselor response: If you have only been to a couple of sessions, it makes sense that you might still feel apprehensive at first. Therapy is hard work! You may be talking about some things that you never talked to anyone about before. Opening up to stranger can be scary. After you feel comfortable with your counselor, and trust has built up and you feel understood in session, you should feel more relaxed. I would encourage you to talk to your counselor about feeling a little shaky. Sharing what the process is like for you is important in your work. If you still feel unsure about sharing after several sessions, it is important to take a look at that and try to understand where that may be coming from. For example, are you and the therapist not a good fit? But, again if you are just starting out in working together, feeling a little bit nervous makes perfect sense, and I encourage you to give it a bit more time and to talk to your therapist about how you are feeling.