arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me.
Counselor's response: Hi Attica,This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them. In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries ("Don't contact me again"), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say "he has nothing to offer me". That's great self-talk.But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those "good old days". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change. Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy. It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours.Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance.
Question: My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.
Counselor's response: I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples
Question: All my friends have either hooked up or had a girlfriend but me. I try to be happy for them, but I get really upset every time they hook up.
Counselor's response: If you mean “hooked up” as having sex with no care for the person, and you’d like a girlfriend, then realize relationships require more complex alignment with a partner than being a sex buddy.Pay attention to all your feelings toward a girl so that you’ll approach someone who attracts you for reasons in addition to sexual allure.Also, the process of knowing someone takes much more time than only to sleep with someone.Have patience and kindness toward yourself while you get to know the qualities which attract you to a potential girlfriend.
Question: I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?
Counselor's response: I don't think it's appropriate to give your counselor a bottle of wine. Your counselor helped you and supported you, which is great, But a gift is inappropriate. I can understand that you want to show your gratitude. There are many other ways to do that. You could drop your counselor a note or card, thank him in person, or tell him how much he helped you. These small gestures can be very meaningful for both of you.
Question: Does counseling really do anything that can help people?
Counselor's response: Counseling allows us to have a sacred space, a space that is set apart from the outside world, it is a space of non-judgement and exploration. Being that the universe is not made for us and that the the world tends to be a fairly untamed place at times, this sacred space allows us to explore ourselves. It allows for greater reflection upon our attitudes, our behaviors and our feelings. Imagine if you will a small goldfish swimming around the usual fish tank, although I dont attest to know what a goldfish thinks, I would imagine he does not see the world outside of him, he only sees the small fishbowl, oblivious to the outside world, when one comes into the counseling room, one is trying to gain insight that was not previously there. Remember the observer affect, one cannot truly act objectively with the world, we are in a dynamic relationship with life, it reacts to us and we to it, the time in the counseling room allows us to gain an understanding that is beyond the normal limits, allowing us to see what was before hidden, often times in plain sight.
Question: How does a person start the counseling process?
Counselor's response: Approaching a counselor can seem intimidating at first, but most mental health professionals want to help you feel safe and heard.  You can often find counselors using search engines like CounselChat or Psychology Today.  These websites allow you to get to know therapists before you take the next step.  These days, counselors have websites where you can learn even more.  These websites usually have clear instructions for contact.  Typically, you can reach out via phone or email to request a consultation.  During a consultation call, you can ask the therapist questions about their credentials and areas of expertise.  If you feel like you connect, you can schedule a first session where you will tell them more about yourself and why you are seeking therapy.  The thing to remember is that therapists want you to reach out to them, and they are happy to be approached for support.  Good luck!
Question: I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave.
Counselor's response: It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship. Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.
Question: My boyfriend is always saying he's done with me and says he's leaving, but then at the end of the night, he's still here. He wakes up in the morning, acts like nothing happen, and repeats this every night.
Counselor's response: Do the two of you ever talk over why he does this or your reaction to it?Are you asking your question because his behavior upsets you or only out of curiosity to understand him better?Basically, first know your own reason for your question.   Then go ahead and tell him if what he does bothers you.  In the best of cases, he doesn't realize how his actions affect you and he will change.
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. I’m not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesn’t keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to.
I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I don’t know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?
Counselor's response: In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by "talking back" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like "It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him..." Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away.
Question: My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him "again." I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.
Counselor's response: Trust is essential in romantic relationships and it is common to have trust issues - because the stakes are so high. If both of you are committed and willing to be fully honest with each other, trust can be repaired and become stronger than ever. I would encourage you to seek out professional help as it easy to get derailed by fear when trying to work things out in the absence of trust. When fear takes over - we tend to become defensive and act in ways that makes it harder to trust one another. In addition to getting professional support I would encourage you to learn more about building trust in relationships and deepening connection through accessing various online resources on relationships.
Question: How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?
Counselor's response: In general, I usually let the client decide when this should occur, sometimes with some clients it will be a joint agreement, but even in that case it should weigh mostly on what the client feels. In short, therapy ends when you feel your done.C
Question: I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.
Counselor's response: A PTSD diagnosis requires an event which occurred at least 6 months prior to the symptoms.   Depression is a common symptom of PTSD, but depression can come from many other sources as well.  In the end, diagnoses are systems of behavioral labels.  If you believe that one label (PTSD) is worse than another (Depression), you are creating a false hierarchy.   Consider consulting a CBT therapist, such as the fine clinicians listed in AcademyofCT.org.  You may also want to look at my book, Living Yes, for many ideas about challenging your thinking and improving you mood. www.LivingYes.org. I hope you feel better soon.  ~Mark  (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)
Question: I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?
Counselor's response: Yeah, you might :)At least, it certainly feels like that, I bet...Not to mention that most counselors out there might generally feel overwhelmed with a "case" with so many problems.  And, so, you will slog along week-to-week with gradual improvements occurring as she slowly does her best to chip away...The real issue is that these folks don't yet comprehend the integrative nature of each of these subjects and how generally simple it is to understand them, and then eradicate them.
Question: I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.
Counselor's response: Give him the time and space he needs.  Obviously something is going on with him that he needs time to process, think about, and work through.  Respect that most men are not talkers but more thinkers.  If and when he is ready to talk, he will.  When and if he does talk, be a comforting listener and put yourself in his shoes the best you can to be the support he needs.  Don't take it personal because you just been dating 3 weeks and his depression maybe something that been going on for a while.  If you do like him...showing him by being patient and supportive at this time.
Question: How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have?  What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.
Counselor's response: This is a great question, and I am happy to have the opportunity to explain my approach. When I am determining what type of personality a client has, I take my time and really absorb their lens/ point of view to themselves and others. Determining a personality type takes some time getting to know the person, and building rapport. After taking time to get to know them, and learning about their view they have of themselves and others, it is important to pick-up on more specific personality traits, which comprehensively contribute to a personality type. Clinicians, including myself, often witness certain traits that are enduring and consistent, which indicate a type of personality. For example, if a therapist is noticing that a client is exhibiting traits of organization, needing to be on time, planning, and perfectionism, these traits contribute to the "type A personality". In addition to utilizing clinical judgment, clinicians often use personality assessments and follow the guidelines of the DSM-5/ ICD-10.
Question: I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.
Counselor's response: Yes, of course, it's your body and you can do what you feel like doing.Do you feel a commitment to your partner?Your guilt probably is pointing out the feeling of having done with your body what your spirit tells you is a violation of the commitment you feel toward your partner.The good news is that this is a moment for you to examine how strong your commitment is to your partner.Find balance between satisfying your freedom to do as you please, with your sense of being a partner, which means prioritizing the partner once in a while.
Question: Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?
Counselor's response: There can be lots of different factors contributing to this. Here are some possible tips:Consider if you know anything about what specifically is making you feel sad? If you're looking for activities because you cannot participate in what you like to do in the warmer months, consider finding some indoor winter activitiesConnect with others. One idea is to join a group (such as a book club) that meets regularly. This could give you something to look forward to regardless of the colder weather.Enjoy the sunshine from indoors. You may notice that sometimes looks are deceiving women is bright and sunny outside, but is also quite cold when you open the door. If you are staying inside for the day, consider allowing yourself to enjoy the sunlight without specifically considering that it is also cold.Consider using a light box. Certain types of light boxes are designed to help with the "winter blues." You can find more information here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/light-therapy/home/ovc-20197416Recently, one of the nurse practitioners that I work with has been checking a lot of vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels and she says the lower levels of these vitamins can contribute to feelings of less motivation or energy than is desired.Each of us has days when we are not thrilled about the weather and may be feeling sort of "bummed" or "down." If you find yourself having these days frequently or for several consecutive days in the above strategies are not helping, consider talking with a therapist about more specific strategies that may be of help to you. Also, because  if everything you would see is likely to live in your area, they would be familiar with the weather patterns where you are and may have some tips that they use for themselves or With other clients.
Question: I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.
Counselor's response: At the begin g of marriages, we expect to be living on an eternal honeymoon, but the reality can be different.  This is a process of adaptation, even if you had known your better half for a long time, during the first months and years of marriage you go through a process of settling in your new roles and confront new challenges together that as you resolve become new rules and agreements.Yes, you can work this issues by practicing assertive communication, being clear with each other about what is the problem, how you feel about it and how would you like to resolve it.  Learn to close arguments with resolutions, and reminding that you care about each other, that’s why you choose to be together.  Discuss your roles and expectations, this is normally done over a marriage preparation class, is never too late to sit down a talk about what you want and look for in a husband/wife and clarify your roles and rules. Find couples therapist who mediates communication and helps both of to you learn assertive communication skills and conflict resolution. ¿Cómo puedo arreglar mi matrimonio?He estado casado por tan solo tres meses.  Cada semana discutimos sobre algo y parece ponerse cada vez peor.Al inicio del matrimonio, esperamos vivir una eterna luna de miel, pero la realidad es diferente.  Es un proceso de adaptación, sin importar por cuánto tiempo hayas conocido a tu pareja.   Durante estos primeros meses se definen los roles en el matrimonio, también enfrentan nuevos retos juntos que según resuelven se convierten en reglas y acuerdos.Sí, puedes resolver estos problemas practicando comunicación asertiva. Deben aclarar sobre cuál es el problema, como se sienten al respecto y como lo quieren resolver.  Aprendan a resolver las discusiones con decisiones claras y recordando que si les importan uno al otro, y por eso decidieron estar juntos en primer lugar.  Discutan sus roles y expectativas, regularmente esto se hace durante clases de preparación matrimonial, pero nunca es tarde para hablar sobre lo que les gustaría que fuera su matrimonio y lo que esperan de su pareja, así clarifican los roles y reglas que aplicaran a su unión.Encuentren un consejero matrimonial que les ayude a mediar los problemas de comunicación y les ayude a aprender destrezas de comunicación asertiva y resolución de conflictos.
Question: I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?
Counselor's response: It is really important for you to be comfortable with your identity. With that said, it is also so important for you to be safe. It may be helpful for you to find supports (in your life, community, or online) that you can talk about how you feel and potentially gain supportive persons if your family does not accept you. It will be really important to connect with others and even a counselor to help you.