arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.
Counselor's response: Clearly you seem interested in being other people, and you are also concerned about your husband being unfaithful online.  But it seems like there is something that keeps you with your husband.   And I have so many questions for you: What are you looking for outside of your marriage?  Are you willing to give that up if your husband is not able to provide it?  Do you want to stay together and make it work? Do you want to open the lines of communication with your husband, so you could analyze the situation together?I suggest attending couple’s therapy or even couple’s mediation to assess and discuss where you want to go whit your relationship.  It will also help to establish healthy lines of communication, where you could express the pros and cons of the relationship, analyze if you are willing to work to stay together, or have some closure and process a separation. I provide a combination of counseling and mediation in couple's therapy, you can call 787466-5478 to make an appointment.¿Deberé divorciarme?Le he sido infiel a mi esposo al menos diez veces en los últimos cinco años.   En el trabajo pretendo que no soy casada.  Recientemente se fijo, pero mentí para cubrirlo. El hablaba con mujeres por el internet, pero yo he tenido varias aventuras.Claramente tu estas interesada en ver a otras personas, y estas preocupada de que tu esposo haya sido infiel.  Pero al parecer hay algo que aun sostiene la relación.  Tengo varias preguntas para ti: ¿Que estas buscando fuera de tu matrimonio?  ¿Estás dispuesta a dejar lo que encuentras fuera del matrimonio, si tu esposo no puede dártelo?  ¿Quieres quedarte con él y hacerlo funcionar? ¿Te gustaría abrir las líneas de comunicación con tu esposo, para que puedan analizar su relación?Les sugiero hacer terapia de pareja o inclusive mediación, para asesar y discutir a donde quieres llegar con tu relación.  También les ayudaría a re-establecer líneas  de comunicación de manera que puedan expresar los pros y contras de estar juntos, ver si pueden trabajar para mejorar su matrimonio o partir amigablemente.  En mi consultorio proveo una combinación de consejería de pareja y mediación, puede llamar al 787-466-5478 para una cita.
Question: I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?
Counselor's response: What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward.
Question: What can I do to stop grieving my mother’s death? When I am awake I just cry every day. I don't have anyone to talk to. I need help; I am still cry over her. Will I ever stop crying? It’s been 3 years.
Counselor's response: I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through.There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief. I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help. For one thing, bills have to be paid.There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order. You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages. At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone. This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died.Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever. Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss. It sounds like you are stuck in this phase.Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on.When we lose someone we never forget them. We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one. But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on.A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it. One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, don’t try to not feel them. Embrace the feelings. Let the feelings wash over you and accept them. Trying not to feel something is not going to help. Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does. Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided.I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now. You deserve to be happy and to live a full life. I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief.
Question: I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren. Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken.
Counselor's response: If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process.
Question: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes  I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out.  How can I stop these thoughts?
Counselor's response: Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain," he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories,  this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought.
Question: I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.
Counselor's response: Anxieties are an adrenal problem;Clean them out with a proper detox, using the food built for mankind, and a herbal protocol;Maybe throw in some fasting here and there to kick the kidneys into high gear and get the adrenals pumping...Every loss is a gain, so losing a car means you no longer hold responsibility to keep and maintain it...If you're really up for it, some contemplation (that is keep one thought *lightly* on your mind allllllll day; that is just focus upon it from time to time, "Man, I notice that the sky is really blue today... and the air is really crisp today..."); after 3-5 days of contemplation, see what you notice...
Question: We weren't long distance until he joined the military.  I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?
Counselor's response: You're right that long-distance relationships can be complicated. If he loves you and you love him, that's a great start. I wonder if you would be able or willing to have a discussion about what you love about each other and what makes each of you feel loved, valued, special, and appreciated.When having important discussions, consider the following:Make sure it is a good time to have a discussion (and if you're doing it in writing because of the distance, you could type something in the top of the message about not reading any further if the person who is reading doesn't have 10 minutes or something like that)Try to listen as though you are an investigative reporter trying to find out information about each other. Asking more questions in this manner can be a helpful way to be less defensive during difficult or emotional conversations.When having discussions face-to-face, I often recommend using timeout when things become very emotional and saying that you agree to go back to the conversation in 15 minutes or one hour or some short duration of time that allows for some of the immediate emotions to dissipate so it is easier to also talk about them. As for how that translates to distance, maybe each of you would say that you are working on figuring out how best to explain it and will answer the next time you have access to the Internet (or, if possible, use some kind of timeframe).Consider what questions you would like answers to. For example, are you wondering:What should I do if I miss you or want to talk to you more? I don't want to make you feel guilty, but I also don't want to hide my feelings. Can I share them with you?If you have days or weeks when we cannot be in contact directly, can I keep sending you messages or is that overwhelming?How will you ask for support from me?Some couples really want to protect each other. In doing so, instead of hiding our emotions, can we share them and work through them together?Whatever else comes to mind.Gary Chapman is famous for his books about the 5 Love Languages. He has one specifically for military families: The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts.Here's a list of books related to loving from a distance: http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/bookstor.htmI have not read these books myself, but I have read other works by a lot of the authors.One final tip: Consider making a list of times when you work together and both feeling calm, safe, and comfortable. These memories could be helpful to you during difficult moments.Best wishes to you. Remember that you could each see therapists in your respective locations if that would be helpful to you.
Question: My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?
Counselor's response: I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement.
Question: He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don’t like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.
Counselor's response: It sounds like you may be asking two different questions.With regard to what you said about your husband dressing as a female in your bedroom, I wonder if you would consider asking him more about this. If you choose to do that, I would suggest that you ask him whether a certain time is a good time to have a conversation and asking questions for five minutes or more that are related to you learning more about his experience. This can be difficult to do at times, particularly when you may want to offer your own opinions or become very anxious or of type. Consider thinking of a phrase that may help you to stay calm during the discussion. It may be helpful to think of yourself as asking questions as if you were an investigative reporter and using questions that start with words like "what, how, who, where, when." Questions that start with "why," can be very difficult to answer for some people and can be overwhelming because it often links to answers involving emotions that may or may not be understood. Also try restating what your husband is saying to make sure that you are understanding correctly. If what he is telling you is different than what you have heard or thought of for many years, it may be challenging to follow his meaning initially. Remember that listening to your husband does not imply agreement with what he is saying, just that you are following and looking to understand what he is experiencing. I also recommend sticking to one topic for the conversation, but this could be done with many different topics over time.You could also see if he would be willing to have a discussion where he listens like an investigative reporter to learn more about the experience that you are having.As far as what you mentioned about the sexual experience, maybe if you can discuss what it is that you don't like and/or understand what it is that he does like, you could see if there is some middle ground here. It depends on what you both prefer.These types of conversations can be difficult to have for some couples, at least initially. Having structured conversations, such as the ones I've described briefly above, can feel awkward initially, but the reason it can be helpful is because it can lead to further understanding in a way that decreases the chances of having an argument.Also consider seeing a therapist in your area who specializes in couples to discuss some of these ideas.
Question: My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the "straight and narrow" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others.    His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?
Counselor's response: This suffering and clinging to the past, especially a troubled past or a past that we dont like, may be  amplified due to the Christian framework that may be built into your life. I am not averse to religion, i just think that many times it puts unreasonable expectations on us and helps us to form a guilt complex or perhaps even insecurities, we are humans and humans make mistakes. you mention the straight and narrow, this is a notion that you must give up on and let go, humans can never travel the straight and narrow for their whole lives there are bounds to be mistakes, we are the most fallible species on the planet and please tell your fiance to have some mercy on himself, he is not perfect. Here is a story about clinging on to things you may find useful to mediate on:Once
there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal
river. The current of the river swept silently over them all -- young and
old, rich and poor, good and evil -- the current going its own way, knowing
only its own crystal self.
Each creature in its own
manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging
was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned
from birth.
But one creature said
at last, "I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes,
I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let
it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
The other creatures laughed
and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled
and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
But the one heeded them
not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed
by the current across the rocks.
Yet in time, as the creature
refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and
he was bruised and hurt no more.
And the creatures downstream,
to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves,
yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!"
And the one carried in
the current said, "I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to
lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
adventure."
But they cried the more,
"Savior!" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again
he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a savior.
Question: I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.
Counselor's response: It took a lot of courage to share what must be so shameful to you and to ask for help. Regardless of your sexual attraction/orientation, I'd encourage you to get honest with yourself and your partner/fiancee and put a temporary hold on your wedding plans -- getting married will NOT resolve your acting out. It seems to me you need more space, time to sort through with an experienced therapist more of your sex/sexuality story-line and apparent anxiety surrounding the upcoming nuptials. In the immediate I encourage you to also take the initiative to have yourself tested for STDs, etc. and if you've been sexually intimate with your partner/fiancee s/he needs to be similarly tested. Best wishes.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) The book "Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men" by Jane Ward, 2) http://www.sca-recovery.org/, 3) https://slaafws.org/
Question: Recently my boyfriend broke up with me because of my bad language. But he thinks I'm a total b***h. I know I'm bipolar and can be selfish. He called me today and says he can't go through with the breakup. I was broken and didn't want a breakup to begin with, but I know I'm horrible at times and can't help it. It's like I'm battling myself. What do you feel?
Counselor's response: Both options seem reasonable.  Seeking individual therapy will help you to cope with the mood changes that come with bipolar disorder, will give you a space to vent your negative thoughts, and will allow you to find the coping mechanism to address life and relational challenges.  IF your boyfriend is interested in attending couples therapy with you, it will assist in identifying the problems in the relationship that pushed him to the breakup and will give both of you the tools to communicate and resolve conflicts.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing individual, couples, and family therapy services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.    ¿Debería buscar ayuda yo sola o junto con mi novio?Mi novio me dejo recientemente por ser mal hablada.  El piensa que soy una p***a.  Yo sé que soy bipolar y que puedo ser egoísta.  El me llamo hoy para decirme que no puede continuar separado.  Yo estaba destruida y no quería que nos dejáramos desde el inicio, pero se lo horrible que puedo ser a veces y que no lo puedo evitar.  Es como si estuviera en guerra conmigo misma.  ¿Qué piensas?Ambas opciones son razonables.   Buscar terapia individual te ayudara a manejar los cambios de estado de ánimo que son partes del desorden bipolar, también te dará espacio para ventilar los pensamientos negativos y encontrar herramientas para enfrentar problemas relacionales y de la vida diaria.   SI tu novio está interesado, también pueden asistir a terapia de pareja para poder identificar las razones de la separación, y obtener las herramientas apropiadas para  comunicarse apropiadamente y resolver conflictos. 
Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.
Question: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?
Counselor's response: Sure, why not!It's nerve-wracking to go to a man or woman you've never met before and who is a total stranger, that you are paying to take an interest in your life.  You're likely feeling an internal truth about the sessions, the man or woman with you, and the man or woman sitting across from you.  I'd listen to those feelings.Wouldn't it not be best to go to those around you that do provide comfort and aid, first?  Wouldn't it be better to attend to those of faith around you who have love to offer, first?  Wouldn't it be better to go to your family and loved ones, first? :)Might try that; see if your nervousness evaporates...