arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.
Counselor's response: If you are a people-pleaser type or a natural caretaker, you can slowly "lose yourself" over time if you are always tending to the needs of others and neglecting yourself.  If this sounds like a familiar pattern for you, this may have happened without you even realizing it if you were raised in a family where you had to pick up the slack alot.  Maybe your parents were addicts or they might have even just worked all the time and you learned to "take care of everything" because that is what you had to do to help the family run smoothly. Over time, a person who grows up in this type of environment learns that you put the needs of others before your own.  You might also be stuck in these types of patterns in intimate relationships as well; if you completely give yourself over to your significant other and you don't create a life for yourself with your own interests and supportive friends, you are at risk of losing what is unique and amazing about you.  If you grew up in a family where you learned this role out of survival or because it was needed to take care of your family, it's easy to re-create this in adult relationships.In both scenarios, if there is no awareness that this "self sacrifice at the expense of others" is going on, your identity is shaped around being a caretaker/enabler/people-pleaser and down the road it can lead to depression, low self esteem, and a confused sense of self.  Basically, you spend so much time helping other people that you don't make time for yourself or create a life of fulfillment.  Before you realize it, you have been living a life for others instead of yourself and you have no idea who YOU are.  Supporting loved ones and friends is important and certainly admirable, but if you are always that person that rescues, those that rely on you begin to take advantage of you and they will suck you dry if you let them.  In conclusion, learning to set boundaries with those in your life that are too needy becomes a really important part of the process when you begin to recognize that you are unhappy and unfulfilled in life.  It sounds like you may be at that crossroads right now.  Take one small step at at a time.  Identify the worst offenders in your life that suck time and energy, and limit your contact and/or set some strong boundaries with those people so you can refocus and do some soul-searching.  Meanwhile, engage in pleasurable activities with people you enjoy being with, get yourself outside in the fresh air, get some good sleep, and eat some nourishing food!
Question: I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Everything I do is crappy. I want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep.
Counselor's response: You are describing some of the most common symptoms of depression: low self esteem, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, sad mood, feelings of hopeless and feelings of worthlessness. A full assessment/evaluation with a mental health professional is warranted to understand if indeed you meet criteria for a Major Depressive Disorder i.e.., are delressed. One thing I often tell patients is that "Do you think you are depressed?" People often answer yes or no, but many individuals respond with a question: How would I know? To that I often explain that if I stopped watching movies or better, stopped enjoying watching movies that would be a clear indication for me that I am delressed. It would be a sign that I have lost pleasure or interest in the activity that I typically enjoy most . I'll ask you to think of one activity which you really really enjoy.  It could be anything from reading, to being with friends, to skiing to watching tv.  I would like to now ask you if you have stopped enjoying that activity or can't find the motivation to engage in it? This is another symptom of depression: loss in pleasurable activities. The good news is that there are many effective, available treatment if you are indeed in a depression or simply, you want to modify/decrease your depressive symptoms i.e., you want to stop feeling so tired and so worthless. Treatment includes one or more of the following: psychotherapy, medication, exercise. Any one or combination of both of these can help to improve your mood. The even better news is that feeling that you are doing something wrong can diminish with appropriate treatment over time.  I hope you find this information helpful. The most important next step is to get evaluated by a mental health professional typically a psychologist or psychiatrist, and for both you and the professional to better understand your symptoms and your mood in the context of what is going on in your life.
Question: I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out
Counselor's response: Interesting:  How much of your issue is your own self-judging and how much of your perception is real?There are many ways to stop judging and self-judging using Cognitive Theory (CBT).  You could find a (CBT) counselor/ therapist to help you reduce your judgments.  In addition, I've written extensively about this in my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN (www.LivingYes.org).  I recommend you visit the webpage and pick up a copy.As to your own perception:  You seem okay being who you are, and your girlfriend agrees.  Instead, you appear to be upset by your own guess at what others may be thinking. That's a trap that stresses a lot of folks out.  Consider this:  Many happy people don't mind what others think of them.  And consider this:  Many heroic characters in literature and movies are unlikeable.  ("Colombo" is annoying and bothersome, but we love him.  So is Johnny's Depp's Jack Sparrow and many of the roles played by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Jack Nicholson.)  Would it be okay with you to be an "antihero" in your own life?  If you don't want to be an antihero, you have the power to be the person you want.  Your behaviors and thoughts are completely under your control.  What other people think of you is not under your control.  You are completely in the driver's seat here.  The choices are all yours.  Enjoy who you are, and use your will power to make yourself who you want to be!  ~Mark  (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)
Question: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.
Counselor's response: The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change.  Frequently our problems keep us in denial.  Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone.  The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together.  Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction.  Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed. I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not.  If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues.  Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing.  You can get control over these issues.  The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it.
Question: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky.  Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?
Counselor's response: Therapy does not work overnight, oftentimes it is a lifelong struggle, the therapists job is not to "cure" you or to remove something but rather to make you strong enough to live your life with your own peculiarities and struggles, remember we are human and constantly fallible. Another important thing to note is that although you go to therapy, that is just a room, most of the magic and work takes place in your real life outside of that room.
Question: She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.
Counselor's response: Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours.
Question: I’ve been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.
Counselor's response: Do you think you're abusing xanax?It is a highly addictive drug so maybe one reason you feel compelled to take more is bc you already are addicted.Drugs don't do anything helpful in solving life's problems.   Once the effect wears off, the stressful situation is once again waiting for you to address it.Think over your reason for not directly asking your psychologist about upping your dose.Also, do you ever talk about your life problems with this psychologist or only your need for drugs?    The more gradual path to a better life is to not need drugs in the first place. This consists of your willingness to face the matters that are creating such terrible feelings inside you.
Question: When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.
Counselor's response: I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Many of the youth I see in my practice are going through similar behaviors and concerns. If she feels like she can talk to you about this I think that is a great place to begin. There are many life stressors that youth have to manage and seeing others on social media seems to exacerbate these feelings and can feel like even more pressure to strive for perfection. You may be able to offer her support by listening to and validating her concerns, reviewing all that she has accomplished and praising her for doing her best and not push that she needs to be "the best."If she feels she would like to speak to someone it may be good to find a therapist where she can vent her feelings and find a way to increase her coping skills. She may benefit from additional support outside the home where she can cry, learn to manage her worries and gain skills to triage the expectations of each day. She may benefit from skills that would help her to learn that she is enough already!
Question: Someone I care about told me I'm not teachable and I'm irritating. I just want to be happy and wanted to please the person, but I always fall short it seems.
Counselor's response: Pleasing someone certainly does feel satisfying.  If the other person does not appreciate your effort and good will then this feels dissatisfying.Offering happiness to someone does not include tolerating mean comments such as the ones you describe here.Tell the person that you are trying to please them and also tell the person that their comments are hurtful.If the person said their words with no bad intentions then next time they comment its reasonable to expect these comments to not hurt your feelings.Keep in mind that your good intentions may not be received in the way you intend them.  Some people, sometimes are insensitive or just plain not interested in being pleased by another person.
Question: I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. 

My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. 

Can you explain what's going on?
Counselor's response: Teenagers are prone to mood swings due to developmental and hormonal changes that are rapidly and intensely occurring in your body and mind - so some of this happens to many people in your stage of development. You are not at all alone.You've taken the first and very important step in regulating your moods by just identifying that you are having these intense changes instead of being completely submerged in them and unaware! The more you are able to be a witness to your emotions and thoughts, the more you can learn to manage them. Your question offers several clues for strategies that you can try - for example, identify the warning signs for becoming irritated and plan a response, such as taking a deep breath, informing the person you are becoming irritated and need some space, or find a distraction temporarily like listening to music or going for a walk. Since you are aware of blaming others for things not working out, you can proactively make a personal commitment to taking ownership or personal responsibility by just thinking about it and practicing thoughts such as "I am responsible for my efforts" and "Blame is not helpful for anyone" and other thoughts that you believe and can repeat related to this insight. When you practice thinking more rational, healthy thoughts, you are actually rewiring your brain, so practice is key!
Question: Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?
Counselor's response: Anger does have its place.  When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you?  In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is.  As Sherry noted below, awareness.  Awareness is fundamental.  Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off.  The next time you feel angry from a "small thing", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost?  Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself.  You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that!
Question: A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection,    Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage.    I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to.    What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?
Counselor's response: Assuming there are no medical explanations for this issue, many men I've worked with on this come to see it as essentially a form of Anxiety. There is a phenomenon called the Yerkes Dodson Law (see below; source: Wikipedia), which basically states that if we feel either too much or too little stress, pressure, or nervousness about a task, it will adversely impact our ability to do carry it out successfully. The ideal amount of stress/arousal is right in the middle - not too little and not too much. This applies to more things than we might often realize - from giving a presentation, to ordering food, to making a free throw, to driving, to sexual intimacy as in this case. A common suggestion that many men find helpful is initiating open and honest conversations with their partners about this issue, and for a temporary period of time, agreeing to physical intimacy and sexual pleasure in other forms, and without the expectation of intercourse. There are many ways to go about that (which are outside the scope of this blog article), but this can be a path to connecting intimately and renewing physical bonding without unhelpful anxiety - and over time, can lead back to intimacy in all the ways that have become elusive. Best of luck.
Question: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?
Counselor's response: If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged. If you feel like things, situations, your outlook are shifting for you.
Question: What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?
Counselor's response: I think that the most important skill a good counselor has is the ability to empathize (whether that be natural empathy, or trained, empathy is essential.) A good counselor also knows the difference between identifying with their client, and empathizing with their client. An ability to not bring in our own baggage (we all have baggage and most are "wounded healers") into our work, as it's not about us. If it is brought in, it should be in only a way that can help a client.And to listen...specifically to what the client is needing.
Question: Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?
Counselor's response: Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on  how you usually handle feeling angry.  Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call "little things" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters.
Question: I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?
Counselor's response: Hello! You may have heard the saying that counseling is like peeling the layers of an onion. Whether a person comes to therapy with many issues on their heart and mind or whether he/she comes with something specific, one issue leads to another. Please don't feel as though you have too many issues. You are important and worthy. On the plus side,  you are a breast cancer survivor and have a wonderful marriage! Seek the help that you deserve.
Question: I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it’s so vivid, it’s like it’s happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.
Counselor's response: What is the reason you wouldn't want your parents to know you are trying to find your way through PTSD?Would they believe that you've been traumatized?And, do you feel that your parents had a hand in creating your trauma?There is no need to tell your parents you have PTSD unless you feel that doing so will help you.   Maybe you intuitively realize that they don't want to understand or know about this.How did you come to the conclusion that you have PTSD?If you are working with a therapist, and a minor, then  the laws of your State dictate what information your parents can ask your therapist about you.If you are a grown person and working with a therapist,  you have complete legally protected privacy of what you talk about with your therapist.In any case, a good starting point is to know exactly your own reason for wishing to keep your psychological situation hidden from your parents.
Question: Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?
Counselor's response: First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a  mistake. Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation.Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children.Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal. My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs.Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board.Best of luck to you and your family!
Question: I started dating my fiancé two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancé’s sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom.
Counselor's response: When you're upset about something, the first question you can ask yourself is "Whose problem is this?" It is amazing how many problems will disappear right at that point, because you realize the problem isn't even yours. You can't fix everything in your family. You are starting a new family of your own, and it's time to create a protective bubble around your family unit that keeps other people's issues away. I tell myself "Not my pig, not my farm, not my problem." When you stop trying to take care of other people's problems, they are more likely to step up and deal with it themselves. :)