arjun2183/Counselor huggingface dataset:
Question: My wife and I are newly married, about 2 months. We've had some issues surrounding sex, particularly her lack of libido. She's on an anxiety medication, of which diminished libido is a side effect, but I think our issue is also partly one of a lack of intimacy/romance centered around my hectic schedule. Our sex life has suffered as a result. Tonight she made a genuine effort to let me know she wanted sex, which is a big deal. Once things started, she had the most obviously fake orgasm I've ever encountered. I was honest with her about why, and told her that the most important thing to me in sex was knowing that she was legitimately enjoying it. She responded angrily with a complete denial of the faking. I don't know how to broach this subject and have an honest conversation. I think she will continue to lie to me about faking it which will cause our sex life to spiral further. Please help.
Counselor's response: You are newly married, you Have a hectic schedule, your wife is on anti anxiety medication. What if you take the focus (hint: pressure) off of her orgasms and focus instead on connecting with one another. You know, like the gestures you each likely made while dating.  It turns out that these little moments of connection throughout our days are actually foreplay. Spend a few weeks making a real effort to focus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about this a while back, you can find it here: http://connectfulness.com/little-moments/ And have fun with it!
Question: I’m a senior high school student. I’m also five months pregnant. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. My parents don’t want us to communicate with each other. He can’t even come to visit my gynecologist. My mom goes to attend all of my doctor’s appointments. She’s supportive of me. I wish, though, that my boyfriend was next to me and be able to see his daughter on a sonogram, at the very least. My family does not understand that he deserves that much. I cry all the time because I feel lost and hopeless.
I need guidance and I believe that you can give it to me.  Am I wrong for wanting him around? Are they right for keeping him away from the appointments and not letting us communicate with each other even though we are the parents? I do everything that they ask of me. I just want him to be around. When I ask my parents to let him be here, they call me a selfish person. Please help me.
Counselor's response: You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child.Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person?  Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life? Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend.  Ask them also to understand your point of view.Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born.Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you.Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit.  Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these.Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter.Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery!
Question: They're calling me names like hypocrite and a baby even when they act in the same manner as I do. I'm tired of being called names. What should I do?
Counselor's response: It sounds like your confused as to why your friends would be calling you a hypocrite when they act in the same manner, correct? Communication is key to any relationship. I would recommend speaking with your friends face-to-face to address why they feel your behavior is concerning. In-person contact is the best method of sorting out differences considering texts, emails or any written response can be misconstrued. Be upfront with them and let them know that being accused of hypocrisy is hurtful and you feel it is unfounded. If after speaking with them you feel that they have valid reasons for the way they are feeling, maybe you can consider modifying your behavior accordingly. Especially if this friendship is valuable to you. However, make sure they are aware that there is a respectful way to address these issues and name calling is not one of them. On the other hand, if you feel that their reasons are indeed unfounded, it may be best to distance yourself from the relationship. Not all friendships are healthy ones. And it is important that you surround yourself with people who are an asset to your self esteem as opposed to those that hinder it.I hope you are able to get this matter sorted. Best of luck!
Question: After I told them, they yelled at me.
Counselor's response: I'm sorry your family had such an upsetting response to your news.Maybe eventually they will come around to greater acceptance of you.   If this was the first time they heard this fact about your sexuality, the information may have overwhelmed them.It is up to the family members now to realize they handled their reaction in a way which may have upset you.Whether or not they do this, you still can be sure you did what was necessary and in your hands to tell them such key information about you.
Question: I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder.  How do I move on?
Counselor's response: Initially, everything is a reminder because there is a trace of that other person present in everything in your life. When we lose someone, we're saying goodbye to what we thought our future was going to be.  Accepting that's changed and allowing ourselves to envision a new future is necessary to "move on". Start learning something new or try a new activity that you've always wanted to do.  Find whatever is "good" about being out of the relationship and focus on those things.  This can be an exciting time of transformation for you.   As time goes by, you'll add new things in your life that aren't entwined with this relationship and those things will begin to crowd out those things associated with the relationship.  Give yourself a little empathy, no one goes through a breakup without being sad.  It's ok to be sad.  It's even ok to feel devastated.  Loss of a relationship touches a primal need we have to belong.  It makes us feel insecure, unanchored.  In truth, we are ok, safe even.  This experience will open different perspectives for you.  There are lessons you'll take from it that will add another facet to you as a person.  Maybe in time, you'll even appreciate this experience.  I'm sorry you're hurting right now.  Best wishes to you, Allison
Question: I just got out of a two year relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't showing any affection at all. He was talking to other women and lying about it. It pushed me away and hurt me, but I'm still in love with him. A couple days after our breakup, he was talking to someone new. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I cried for several days, lost my appetite, and couldn't sleep. Our whole relationship was only us. We didn't have friends. It was me and him against the world. We didn't talk to anyone else because we only wanted to talk to each other. We hung out constantly and Skyped to sleep every single night. Then, when I cut myself, we talked on Skype. He cried and told me "I'm still in love with you, I never stopped loving you," and I cried tears of joy. I asked multiple times if he loved me and asked to make sure he wasn't just saying that because of me being so depressed. He promised and assured me he loved me. He came over after that, and we had sex because he wanted to. He went the home that night and told me he didn't love me, and he lied because he was scared. He told me I wasn't attractive, I wasn’t beautiful to him, and that I changed. He also told me he was 100% sure he'd never love me again. I'm still in love with him. Why do I love him? How do I stop? Just knowing that someone else is with him hurts me. That I wasn't good enough and that I'm no longer beautiful hurts me. I think I need a therapist, but don't know if I should.
Counselor's response: I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the most significant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous support may be necessary for healing to take place. Anytime sadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately. A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are going through, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task, it will only make things easier and give you a sense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals related to living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. With a support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier. Best of luck to you!
Question: I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?
Counselor's response: Hi,Reaching out here is a great start! I recommend looking for somebody in your area that works with people experiencing depression. After you've chosen somebody to try, feel free to call them for a consultation! A lot of counselors and therapists offer free consultations, and remember that your counselor is working for you, so make sure they are a good fit! I hope this has been of some help.
Question: My ex-husband told my two adolescents that Santa doesn't exist on the day before Christmas. They are desperate to hold on to the magic of Christmas, but I don't know if it's right for me to lie to them and tell them that Santa is real. I don't want to let them down and make them lose out on those memories, but I also don't want to lose their trust.
Counselor's response: Well Boise, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it? I love that you want to help your kids keep the magic of Christmas. They must want that too if they still believe in Santa into their teen years, which is unusual, I believe. I wonder if they had already figured it out anyway?But they know now, and your ex had the right to tell them if he felt it was best. So it's time to explain to them what a loving and magical thing it is that parents do, and Christmas can still be magical in so many ways. Really, who says they have to stop believing in Santa? Santa is very real as a spirit of surprise, generosity and love.
Question: As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.
Counselor's response: It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help.  The "blur" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past.  To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust.  When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories.  This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process.  Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
Question: How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?
Counselor's response: For most:  When the money/insurance runs out.When best:  When the job is done... and you're feeling much better.
Question: I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents.
I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.
Counselor's response: Teenage years are rough for anyone, and this is a time for self-discovery and experimentation. Having older parents can certainly pose challenges. Most kids feel like their parents don't understand them, but yours are older than the average parents of teenagers. They're from a completely different generation than you are. It sounds like they love you, but may not understand you. The problem here is the generation/age gap, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What you can do is accept the situation and perhaps look at it a little differently. It seems like you're looking for affirmation from them, looking for their approval and understanding. It's never a good idea to look to others to define who you are or to get a self-esteem boost. Who you are and how you feel about yourself needs to come from inside, not from outside. One way you can have a better relationship with your parents is to stop looking at all the things you aren't getting from them that you want, and rather look at all the things you are getting from them. Yes, this is a glass half full or half empty point of view, but it works. The negative will overshadow the positive if you let it. Start looking for the good things in your relationship with your parents and your feelings towards them will become more positive.I'm not sure how your friends/peers made you feel like your childhood has been taken from you. That's a curious statement, and requires a deeper conversation to understand where that came from. However, I do understand feeling different and out of place, especially in high school. Find the strength within yourself rather than looking to others in your life to make you feel better or feel like a complete person. It helps to have friends and loved ones, but you can never rely on them to fulfill all of your needs. Set some goals for your future, work towards them. Focus on being the best YOU that you can be, and the right people will enter your life at the right time.
Question: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?
Counselor's response: I would be more concerned with how is this being addressed in therapy. Therapy can be a rewarding process, however often times we do not pay much attention to the messages being sent to our bodies. I believe in somatic therapy which deals with our mind & body connection. I would think it may not be a question of normal or abnormal however if it is impacting you then you must pay attention to that. It would be helpful to explore the feelings you're having  with your therapist. It may be something that needs addressing to help alleviate those feelings or have a better understanding of why they are showing up when it is time for therapy.
Question: We kissed and he grabbed my boobs and we exchanged some texts and a few calls. It went on for about 8 months. Just when we were all together and our spouses were out of the room. Once I met him for lunch to tell him that we needed to stop. We ended up kissing after lunch and then I sent him a few more texts that day telling him I was serious and that was the end of it. His wife (my good friend) saw us kiss once and told my husband. I told him a couple of things then and we got over it. A year later she told him a couple of other things. Same story. It's been about 3 years since. They are now divorced and my husband and I have been happy. A few weeks ago the wife called me and said that her now ex told her more stuff we did. I decided to just tell my husband everything. We are trying to work things out. But he is having a really hard time believing that he knows all of it. How can I help him believe me?
Counselor's response: The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need to confront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be really helpful to do this work with a Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. Gottman's The Science of Trust and What Makes Love Last would both be helpful reference books to guide you along.
Question: My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.
Counselor's response: Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together. The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength. It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you. You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse. This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child. I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best.
Question: We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?
Counselor's response: Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried?
Question: Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?
Counselor's response: About 3 million people in the United States suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Seasonal affective disorder or seasonal depression occurs during the same season every year. You might have feel feeling depressed the past two winters, but cheered up during the warmer months. Or you may have felt down during the summer.Everyone could get seasonal depression, but it tends to be much more common in :People who have families who have SADWomenIndividuals between 15 and 55 years oldIndividuals who live in an areas where winter daylight time is very shortNo mental health experts are exactly sure of what specifically causes SAD, but many think lack of sunlight is a big trigger. This lack of light could mess up your circadian rhythms or cause problems with serotonin which is the chemical that affects your mood.You might be wondering if you have seasonal depression or SAD. Here are the symptoms:Feeling grumpy, sad , nervous of having mood swingsAnhedonia or lack of pleasure in things you normally loveEating much more or less than usualGaining weightSleeping a lot more than you normally do, but still feeling sluggingDifficulty concentratingIt is so important to look at SAD in a holistic manner before getting diagnosed. In addition to therapy, it's crucial to see your doctor so she or he can run blood tests to rule out any other conditions that may be making you feel blue. One of these common ones is hypothyroidism or low thyroid. At Makin Wellness, we could do the mental heath assessment .TreatmentThere are multiple ways to help treat seasonal depression. Light therapy can be used, but counseling is one of the most effective ways of treating SAD. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a skilled therapist can help you learn more about seasonal depression , how to manage your symptoms and ways to prevent future episodes. Medication can also be prescribed and taken to help alleviate some or your symptoms. Antidepressants such as Zoloft, Effexor and Wellbutrin are most commonly prescribed for SAD. Be sure to talk with your doctor and therapist about any side effects from your medication.
Question: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.
Counselor's response: You are not hopeless, as you can see there are many people who care about your well being and believe you can overcome this.  I would suggest that you first get evaluated for your alcohol consumption.  Alcohol is one of the addictions that you may need to seek inpatient treatment for.  If not inpatient then be monitored by a doctor.  Once you are evaluated and or complete inpatient treatment I would suggest you participate in a form of outpatient therapy on a consistent basis.