Castle Lager
Oh my... Buckle on your crash helmets space rangers, because here comes a burn! One centralized in the pit of my stomach. It says on the side of this creamy beige 450 ml can that Castle Lager is, and I cite, "Brewed With The Same Care Since 1895". Now if what they are trying to get at is that back in 'ol 1895 South Africa they brewed this beer with complete and utter reckless abandon, then I know we are on the same page. It pours out innocently enough, clear pale straw colour, a bit of a head that fizzles out quickly. Then I must nearly renounce the clear part when holding it up to the light and upon further inspection I espy a great deal of suspended floating particles. In my lager. Sea Monkeys! That's exactly what it looks like. The nose is metallic and industrial, a tad on the diesal side, the faintest cries of some ghostly grainy sweetness been swept asunder by the presence of dusty blacktop pavement. Dusty! And this is a clean glass by golly! Flavour is of unrefined petroleum byproduct, with that ghost of grainy malt sweetness crying out for help. A hostage situation here, I am beginning to reckon. Let's face it, this beer is not drinkable at all, and the Sea Monkey genocide that its consumption incurs adds to the bad taste already left in my mouth. Three words for you: destination sink drain. My god, I think I need to shave my tongue. And then gargle with acetone. To quote Kurtz at the end of Heart Of Darkness (set in the Belgian Congo, although close enough for what I'm getting at here), "The horror, the horror!"