I had no intention of writing this review, as I told Jorge...but then he kicked me out of his place, 6 months pregnant, because i dared to ask if the comforter was washed. Thankfully Airbnb scrambled to find us a (much better) apartment within hours but it really was a shock.
Honestly though, if you DO NOT CARE who your host is and whether they are kind and diplomatic, this place isn't so bad. The kitchen is missing some very basic items (microwave, kettle, cutting board) and the trash can foot pedal is broken and lid won't stay open, so you have to bend over to open the lid each time you want to throw something away. But if you don't plan on cooking, that shouldn't bother you at all. The bed is NOT a king by any definition. I'd call it a double bed. It was strange for me that the bed didn't have a topsheet and only a comforter (which is what offended Jorge so deeply he felt the need to kick me out). Only other complaints: the flimsy Ikea dresser in the bedroom is holding on for dear life and looks like it might fall apart any minute. It leans to one side and rocks back and forth when touched. Little bit of mold behind the fridge and the bathroom ceiling and tiles. These are are fairly minor complaints though - I'm just being nit-picky because I GOT KICKED OUT IN THE DARK OF NIGHT, 6 MONTHS PREGNANT FOR ASKING IF THEY WASHED THE COMFORTER.
For those of you who like drama - here is the back and forth between Jorge and I - copy pasted and unedited:

hi jorge -
we are at the apartment and it's mostly ok but there are some things i would like to point out. maybe it's the new yorker in me but i would rather say this to you now than be quiet for the rest of my stay and then leave you a nasty review (which i will not do).
first, madalena was great. she was very nice and helpful and i messaged her a few times last night and appreciated how communicative she was.
but i have to say that it's misleading to list the bed in this apartment as a king sized bed. come on (Website hidden by Airbnb) not even a queen. it is a double. maybe bed sizes are different in portugal but that's not a king sized bed anywhere. it's also a little weird that the bed has no top sheet and just a comforter. can you please confirm that you clean the comforter after every guest just so i feel better?
also - this is less of a big deal but worth mentioning: the kitchen is missing a cutting board and a kettle. odd to offer tea and a french press but then make guests boil water in a pot.
we've been staying in airbnb's in portugal for the last month and these are very basic things that one would expect. i don't want to be a pain in the ass - just speaking my mind and pointing out the distance between expectations and reality.
the place is otherwise clean and comfortable and i appreciate the efforts you have made to personalize the place and make it nice.
thanks,
sai
==
Dear Sai,
After reading your email I was very surprised. It's the first time a guest of mine send me an email like this.
It's offensive asking if we clean after every guest because in my opinion that's not even a question. Of course we do! Everytime a guest leave everything is clean! And we never had a complain about it. You can read yourself in the reviews of my apartment.
About the missing things in the kitchen, there are substitute/similar things that you can use so I don't see your point.
Not all the airbnb's are the same and not all the airbnb's have the same things as you know and that's why the prices change so much.
I see that you are not comfortable and satisfied in my apartment so I invite you to leave my apartment today! I will refund you the rest of the nights but I don't want guests in my apartment that don't feel comfortable and that blackmail me with bad reviews.
So I politely ask you to leave my apartment today.
I will inform Airbnb about all this situation.
Best regards
Jorge
Last Tuesday at 11:50 AM