Journal of Aging Research Unlike other widows in our study, Frances noted that another meaning she found in her husband’s death is that she “must be there more” for her children. She also feels, similarly to other widows in our study, that she is paying a great price for being so beloved by her husband. “Without him, my life has very little meaning.” 3.5.2. Theme Two: The Past and Present Role of Each Family Member. The most important role in the family continues to be held by Joseph, Sr. Perhaps because he remained the “cement” of the family even at the end of life, his widow’s and children’s roles seemed less deﬁnitive after his death. The family wondered whether their roles still existed or whether they could carry out those roles. During our ﬁrst interview, Joseph Jr. described his father with adages that mythologized him, such as “good as bread”, “like Saint Joseph,” and “the Saint Joseph of the neighbor- hood.” Both Pauline and Joseph Jr. described their father as “a saint.” Frances disagreed and said she had a more “realistic” view of her husband. She remembered that the children always “looked up to Joe, whereas I had the ﬁrm hand.” As disciplinarian, she thinks she was considered the “bad guy” by her children. The adult child she most worries about is Pauline. She was always a challenge. She never really did anything with her life, with her education. My husband spoiled her. She was supposed to go on to become a lawyer, like her brother. Then she got married, then she got divorced. So she never really did anything. And she never did housework. Frances described both of her sons as “good looking but not as handsome as my husband.” “Joe was hardest on Joseph Jr. He wanted him to be somebody. And he is.” She described her youngest son, Cub, as “not the dexterous type and he does not want to be. He’s the lazy type (laughs) but very aﬀectionate.” Frances did not seem disappointed in Cub; she simply asserted that neither son reached the pinnacle of manhood in looks or strength that her husband had. Because Frances’ identity consisted mainly of being a wife and mother, she misses her role as the most important person in Joe’s life. Frances does not want to be dependent on others and in fact thinks of herself as “more independent now,” but “less secure and less safe. I always thought I was independent, but my independence was through Joe.” She believes that Joseph Sr. made her feel independent by driving her “everywhere” and doing whatever she asked of him. Her husband bolstered her self-esteem by his devotion to her. I’m really alone, really. You could say, Well, how can you say that? You have three children. Yes, I have three children, but I hide a lot from them, they’re not fully aware of what I’m going through. And I would not want them to be. Of all family members, Joseph Jr. seemed the most con- tent in his life and family role after his father’s death, perhaps because he believes he exceeded his father’s expectations. 5 Joseph said his role as “head of the family” was given to him symbolically by his mother a few years before his father died. One day she got up from her seat at the foot of the table and said to him, “You should sit here now.” He felt honored. Joseph Jr. described his father’s relationship with Pauline as “doting.” He thinks his father was “frustrated” with Cub because of his weak work ethic. And although Joseph Jr. sees himself as taking on his father’s role due to his “ranking, Pauline deﬁnitely does not see it that way, and Cub sees me as a usurper, taking my father’s place, but with no right to do so.” Joseph understands that “Pauline thinks I’m trying to be the boss. While my father was here she knew I could not be in control.” Pauline often threatens to leave the family home when their mother dies. Joseph Jr. thinks “she’d feel lost without my brother and myself.” Pauline admitted she is afraid of the future; life without her father represents a lack of security. Both Frances and Joseph Jr. recognize Pauline’s vulnerability, but they view it diﬀerently. Frances remembers that Joseph Jr. helped Pauline out ﬁnancially “countless times” and will continue to do so. She knows that Joseph is “glad” to help his siblings “with money.” Yet, Frances recognizes that the help Pauline needs is more emotional than ﬁnancial and worries that Joseph Jr. does not share this understanding. Joseph reiterated: Now I’m the head of the family. My mother thinks that way too. So for that reason I sort of publicly defer to my mother as being the head of the family, but it’s really me. Roles in the family and the meaning of events, such as Joseph Sr.’s death, are enhanced by symbolic gestures. Along with Frances giving up her place at the table to Joseph, the family decided to forgo decorations the ﬁrst Christmas after Joseph Sr.’s death. The holiday was a reﬂection of their powerful emotional state. They suspended their Christmas rituals (lights throughout the house, a large cre`che, a Christmas Day open house). Frances described the family dinner. “When Pauline broke down, everybody broke down.” 3.5.3. Theme Three: Coping with the End of Life, Particularly Through Belief Systems. Belief systems help individuals and families endure the loved one’s dying and the grief that follows his death. Frances is uncertain about the content of her beliefs, but knows that she lacks the ardor of her children’s faith. It would help if I could say that I believe in an afterlife. But deep down, I do not. And my mind tells me no. The children come back at me, “How can you say you’re a Catholic? The Resurrection, you know, Mother.” And I said, “Well, I’d be lying. Do you want me to lie?” Frances handles her grief by focusing on the children. She knows she must accomplish some practical tasks before she becomes ill or incapacitated. She must help her children realize how much she cares about them and not to worry about her. Pauline managed her father’s decline and death through her spirituality, which blended Catholic dogma, new age