The meaning of hopes for death The constructed meaning of hopes for death relates to how the informants describe their intentions when ingesting the overdose and their present reflections about what they would achieve by dying. Some of these hopes concerned the wish to die or not to die. Some informants had a clear death-wish. Asked whether she would have died if she had not been found so early, one informant answered: ‘‘That was what I wanted. I had planned this for a very long time.’’ Others expressed ambivalence: ‘‘It is a mixture of that it would have been OK [to die] and that really I don’t want to.’’ Some claimed to have no clear intentions at all when ingesting the overdose: I was quite upset, and acted very impulsively, and simply gobbled all the pills my boyfriend is using . . . because, I didn’t think ‘‘oh, I want to die, I want to let everything go.’’ I didn’t think that clearly about what I was doing, I only took them, in a way. Then I started thinking afterwards when things started to happen with my body. Three quarters (9/12) of the informants expressed at some point in the interview that they acted impul- sively when they actually took the overdose of medication; that they did it without considering the consequences. In summary, as death itself can be the object of hope, some expressions of hope are about dying; some both hope to die and hope to live simultaneously, while some did not hope to die even when putting their life at risk. Two informants expressed hopes that death would bring reunion with people or pet animals that were deceased. Asked about whether she thought about other people than her children after ingesting the overdose, one informant explains: I wanted to get home. I grew up with my mother, grandmother and grandfather. It means mostly grandfather, because he is possibly the only person in the whole world who is fond of me. Hence, the meaning of hopes for death expressed by these two informants was that death would mean a continuation of earlier important social relations. Most of the expressions of hopes for death are concerned with how death will provide an escape from the present unbearable situation. Asked about whether she had a clear thought about what she would achieve by ingesting the overdose, one in- formant answered: ‘‘Yes, I wanted to get away. I wanted to avoid living any longer.’’ Many of these hopes for escape are hopes of ending relational Relational hopes problems. When asked what in particular she wanted to escape from, one informant answered: I just think for two, I must be his mum in a way, my boyfriend, a mother . . . take care . . . are tired of . . .yes, I wanted to get away from . . . everything was just hopeless. Hence, the meaning of hopes for death expressed by these informants is as a refuge from current pro- blems that to a large degree are relational problems. Some of the expressions of hopes for death are concerned with communicating a message to others. Some informants expressed hope that their suicide would convey a message to their families. One informant described a hope that her suicide would show her family that she was not guilty of the infidelity her husband accused her of; a motive known from the Greco-Roman legend of Lucretia. Another informant, reflecting on what she hoped when she ingested an overdose, expressed: ‘‘I wonder if that could be that, yes that . . . that wish . . . well, not to die as I say, but to avenge myself, be full of wrath [‘‘full av faen’’: a swear expression], excuse my words.’’ Another communicative concern was expressed as the hope of being remembered in a positive way. One informant explained how she sent a text message to her husband in the adjoining room after she had ingested an overdose: I wanted my husband to convey as much as possible about my family to the children so that they can acquire something from there. Hence, the meaning of hopes for death expressed by these informants is as a message about themselves to their significant others. The meaning of the act of hoping The constructed meaning of the act of hoping relates to how the informants describe the activity of hoping itself. Hence, these expressions are not descriptions of substantial hopes, but about hoping. They are not about what they hope for, but about how they hope; how they perceive hope or how they specify their hopes. In explaining why people have hope or lack hope, the informants invoke different metaphors for the act of hoping. Some informants describe the act of hoping metaphorically as carrying or pushing ob- jects. One informant describes it this way: ‘‘Push all the time that hope in front of you. Now I think that I don’t muster to push it any more.’’ This under- standing is also expressed as hopes being like a Citation: Int J Qualitative Stud Health Well-being 2010, 5: 4651 - DOI: 10.3402/qhw.v5i1.4651 5 (page number not for citation purpose)