Hamid et al. BMC Public Health 2010, 10:164 http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/10/164 pregnancy. They knew marriage included some kind of physical contact with the husband but could neither explain nor understand the actual sexual encounter. When asked how a woman conceived a child they responded that it happened after marriage and at God’s will. “My sister is happy. Her husband is a plumber. My elder sister used to say that she has had enough chil- dren but then she had another son... now she says the same thing. It’s your fate as to how many chil- dren you will have and God’s Will!” (22 years old) Finding cracks in the wall of silence The young women interviewed knew about contracep- tives through television (TV) advertisements, but they lacked full understanding of how to use and access them. The mothers approved of their daughters having contact with older cousins, sisters and aunts as a source of information about sexuality and childbearing near the time of their marriage. The information how- ever was vague and not fully understood by the young women. There were a limited number of young women who sought out or accepted “pockets to think,” which we define as space and time approved by their mothers to talk with their fiancés prior to marriage. Those young women communicated with their fiancés briefly about general issues using mobile phones. These con- versations sparked the women’s own thinking about planning for their married life and the number of chil- dren they want to have, although this thinking was not shared with others. This small sub-group was keen to learn about child spacing and accessibility to contraceptives. Security lies in obedience The main theme identified from the perspectives women shared in the interviews and FGDs as the underlying meaning of their lives well illustrates the feelings and experiences of the young women regarding their upcom- ing marriage: security lies in obedience. They claimed to love and trust their parents, listening to their opinions and feeling secure in following their rules as they were older and more knowledgeable. A “good daughter” was defined as one who abided by the rules. The young women trusted that continued family support would ensure security in future life. “I love my mother. If she is happy so am I. I know that my parents know what is best for me as they are older and wiser. If they think I should marry this per- son then I am fine.”(17 years old) Participants expressed fear of the consequences of not following the rules. Page 5 of 7 “If one decides oneself on whom to marry, then one does not have the support of the parents. You are bound to like the husband chosen for you by your parents. If one decides oneself and does not like the husband later then parents say it was your choice and you lose ..... you are alone......have no one to turn to and no support from the family and no security anywhere.” (FGD 1) Discussion In the traditional Pakistani society, marriage is seen as a family, communal and societal affair more than a joint enterprise of the couple. Girls are socialised from child- hood into the role of a wife who should fulfil the expec- tations of the mother-in-law and husband and who the parents were proud of handing over to the new family [18,19]. This was brought out also in the earlier study by the authors, which interviewed married young women. It showed how the women were raised by par- ents, family and broader society to practice obedience in silence and to not question the decisions of elders, first in their parents’ homes and then in their new homes after marriage [12]. The unmarried participants in the current study affirm the perspectives of the married women in the earlier study, sharing in detail how the foundation for the ideals of submissiveness, obedience and silence is laid. Socialized towards family Participants were brought up in a social environment in which adolescent girls were neither expected nor allowed to move on their own outside the home or to meet young men. Instead they were busy in the home learning household chores and helping their mothers, who underscored the need to learn sabar (patience) and to trust the decisions of the elders, including about their own health and fertility. The message of sabar that was forcefully reiterated from childhood prepared them for the coming challenges of a minimal voice in the deci- sions around marriage. These findings are in accordance with the Pakistani tradition where collective welfare out- weighs individual well-being. Only after considering all other family members needs are women allowed to think about their own [20]. Participants learned that “being acceptable” in society’s eyes meant becoming self- less. This limited self-concept is also described by Kagit- cibasi, who illustrated how children in collectivist societies in Turkey lack an understanding of self, as a concept of a person with her or his own desires, prefer- ences, attributes and abilities [21]. In our study the young women defined their self-identity in relation to the community and family, especially the parents, which is consistent with other findings from South Asia [22].