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7/28/2022

“Writing EIAO Correspondence”

Presented by Eldh & Associates

www.getexcellenttraining.com

1

What’s the Point?

Get what’s in your brain

and share it in a way

people can understand

and then act on it.

2

Course Objectives (Page 1)

• Adopt important “Plain Language” writing 

principles.

• Use best practices in email writing.

• Write clear, logical, easily understood FSA

tool question responses, analyses, and

executive summaries.

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7/28/2022

If You TakeNothing Else...

Typical Content Order in Preferred Content for Academia & in Scientific Everyone Else Communities

1. Results 1. Background (or Request)

2. Significance of Results (or 2. Methods Request)

3. Background (if needed) 3. Results Next Steps (if desired)

4

Other Key Ideas

1. Always have a point and a BLUF.

2. Write for “visitors.”

3. Eliminate irrelevant content.

4. Use shorter sentences(15-20 words) and

active voice. Shun “tion.”

5. “Chunk” information and use bullets.

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Key Idea #1

• Always have a point and lead with that point.

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Key Idea #1 Illustrated

Hard to Understand

Est. 6725 is a poultry plant that processes...

The establishment’s HACCP states that...

According to 9 CFR..., a HACCP must have...

(Five paragraphs later)

Therefore, on this basis, it is recommended that

an enforcement action be taken against Est.

6725.

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Key Idea #1 Illustrated

Easy to Understand

We are recommending enforcement action at

Est. 6725 because...

Est. 6725 is a poultry plant that processes...

We assessed the establishment’s HACCP... and

found...

The threat to food safety is...

Therefore, we are recommending...

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Key Idea #2

• Write for “visitors” or the document may

get reactions like this:

“What is a COA?”

“What is a LOG?”

“What is an EIAO?”

“Huh?”

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Key Idea #3

• Maintain focus and scope by eliminating

irrelevant content.

• This means addressing observations within

the appropriate sections of the FSA and not

needlessly rehashing content.

• Similarly, don’t paste in long sections of

regulations.

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Key Idea #4

• Use shorter sentences (15-20 words) and

active voice to enhance your readers’

understanding.

• Shun” tion.”

• Example: Development, Modernization, and

Validation for the Determination of CHEMICAL 

A in Bovine and Porcine Liver and Muscle

Tissue through TEST X.

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Version 1 (Key Idea #4, Cond.)

The proposed administrative action is based on a review

and analysis of the Administrative Enforcement Report,

and other documented information that shows the

establishment’s continuing failure to implement and

maintain effective Hazard Analysis and Critical Control

Point (HACCP), Sanitation Standard Operating Procedures

(SSOP), Listeria monocytogenes (Lm) Sampling Program in

accordance with the requirements of 9 C.F.R. Parts 416,

417, and 430, et seq., and failure to prevent production of

adulterated meat products.

STATS: 1 sentence of 72 words, 0 Flesch Reading Ease Score, 37.8 Flesch-Kincaid

Grade Level Score

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Version 2

• FSIS is basing this administrative action on its review and

analysis of the Administrative Enforcement Report and other

relevant documents.

• These show the establishment’s continuing failure to implement

and to maintain an effective Hazard Analysis Critical Control

Point plan (HACCP), Sanitation Standard Operation Procedures

(Sanitation SOP), and a Listeria monocytogenes(Lm) Sampling 

Program in accordance with 9 C.F.R. Parts 416, 417, and 430, et

seq.

• Additionally, FSIS is basing this action on the firm’s failure to

prevent production of adulterated meat products.

STATS: 3 sentences with average length of 26.6, 2.1 FRES, 19.5 GL

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Key Idea #5

• “Chunk” information with headingsto enhance

your reader’s understanding.

• For example, in an NOIE letter, headingssuch as

“Statutory Authority,” “Basis for Action,” and

“Steps You Can Take” help the reader navigate the

complexity and length of the document.

• Likewise, organize observations within the FSA by

date or area of surveillance.

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Four Columns of Editing

RIGHT VS PREFERRED SITUATIONAL GLAD-HAPPY

WRONG AWARENESS

Please (aka Political The manager

Each of participate. Savvy) said the staff

the men should attend

IS? Text or the training.

that all

It is requested

approach

Each of attendees changed based The manager

the men participate. on information I stated...

ARE? know about the

situation.

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Four Column Takeaways

• Give feedback judiciously when you’re the

editor. Be able to explain and to justify your

changes.

• Ask questions when you’re receiving feedback.

• Stay focused on teachable moments.

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A Note on Pace & Content

Writer’s Desk Tool (Pages 2-3)

• Review the Process and the Checklist.

• Will this be helpful?

• Do you have any questions about the tool?

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The Big Picture & The Little Picture

•19

A Quick Read: “Plain Language

Defined” (Pages 4-6)

• Please read pages 4-6.

• Pay attention to the bullets.

• Make notes on the content.

• Jot down any questions you have.

•20

What Plain Language Is

• Closer to speech

• Concise use of language

• Simple writing style to make complex

thoughts understandable

• Act signed by President Obama on October

13, 2010.

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What Plain Language Isn’t

• Dumbing down

• Sacrificing context and complexity in meaning

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Stuff that May Surprise You

• Use personal pronouns.

• Use “must” instead of shall. (Better yet: use

the imperative mood.)

• Avoid unnecessary exceptions.

– (Although the timing could be better, we believe

that...)

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Some Important Points

• Use introductions with longer documents

(synopsis/executive summary, how to use this

document, what’s in this).

• Use headings.

• Use tables, but only if they have some context

and a takeaway.

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Notice Advice about Long Noun

Strings

Under #2, Word Choices, see last bullet about

noun strings.

• Here’s an example of what NOT to do:

– annual water quality best management practices

monitoring

• Maybe this is meant to mean:

– by annually monitoring the best practices people

are using to maintain water quality

•25

Check Out Page 4

• Look at the first sentence under #4: “To

ensure that you are communicating...” (versus

“To ensure you are...”).

• The word “that” acts as a buffer with some

verbs—especially attribution verbs.

• It’s OK to use “that” as a buffer, as well as to

introduce restrictive phrases and clauses.

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Final Point from PL Pages

• Notice how the bullet points were handled in

Items 1-3 versus Item 4.

Q: What do you notice?

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PLAIN LANGUAGE TIPS (PAGE 7)

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Prefer Active Voice (Page 7)

In passive writing, the “doer” is hidden.

• “Somebody will do/is doing/did something”

versus “Something will be/is being/was done (by

somebody).”

Passive writing can be ambiguous and clunky. Use it

only when you don’t know, can’t say, or don’t care

who did something.

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Prefer Active Voice

• Active: The manager asked (asks, will ask, is

asking) all staff to submit draft

accomplishment reports by COB Friday.

• Passive: All staff were asked (are asked, will

be asked, are being asked) to submit draft

accomplishment reports by COB Friday. (Who

asked?)

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7/28/2022

Prefer Active Voice

WHEN is not the issue. WHO is the question.

Q: Can I identify who did the action?

The girl will kick the ball.

The ball will be kicked. (By whom? Zombies?)

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Hallmarks of Passive Voice

• The main verb is a past participle.

• The main verb must have a helping verb.

• If the “true actor” is in the sentence, it will be

the object of a preposition.

• What would be the object of an active voice

sentence is in the subject position.

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Try a Couple

1. The staff met the deadlines.

2. Submit your time and attendance forms by

COB Friday. (Please)

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7/28/2022

A Quick Note about the Imperative

The “imperative mood” (aka “command”) is the

simplest way to let others know what they must

do.

Submit your application by Friday, August 27.

VS

Your application should be submitted by...

It is requested that your application be submitted...

Q: Where might this matter in your writing?

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Set Verbs Free (Page 8)

The following endings signal that a noun could

actually be functioning as a verb: tion, sion,

ance, able, ence, ment, ness, and mant.

We did an inspection of the office.

VS

We inspected the office.

•35

Set Verbs Free

This directive is applicable to all personnel who

make use of voicemail.

VS

This directive applies to all personnel who use

voicemail.

Better Yet: Follow this directive if you use

voicemail.

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7/28/2022

Try a Couple

1. Submit your travel expenses with that form.

(Use that form to submit your travel

expenses.)

2. The team met to consider the plan. (The

team considered the plan.)

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The only word in which an F is

pronounced like a V:

of

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Maintain Parallel Structure (Page 9)

Parallel structure means giving equal ideas equal

grammatical structure.

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7/28/2022

Notice the Difference

The five phases of the The five phases of the

interview are as follows: interview are as follows:

• Introduction • Introduce Self

• Establish Rapport • Establish Rapport

• Questioning for • Question for

Information Information

• Summarizing for • Summarize for Accuracy

Accuracy • Close the Interview

• Closing

•40

Parallel Structure: A Few Rules

• With three phrases or clauses, you may repeat the

introductory word, or use it only with the first

phrase or clause.

Use: "We travel by sea, air, and car." 

Or: "We travel by sea, by air, and by car." 

But not: "We travel by air, by sea, and car."

• With lists, use parallel structure.

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Try a Few (Page 10)

1. The employee expected that he would

present his project plan at the meeting, have

time to show his slide presentation, and take

questions from attendees.

Leaner Still:

The employee expected to present his project

plan, show his slides, and take questions.

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7/28/2022

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Better:

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45 •

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Readability Statistics 

Counts 

Words 

Characters 

Paragr aphs 

Sentences 

Averages 

Sentences per Paragraph 

Words per sentence 

C haract·ers per Word 

Readability 

Pass ive Sentences 

Flesch Reading Ease 

Flesch-Kincaid Grade Le vel 

l!,(?;°1 ,.,,1, / /di, . . . 

jl 

? X 

190 

1179 

5 

6 

1.5 

30.3 

5.7 

O'l6 

28.4 

14.9 

OK n 

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7/28/2022

The Dialogue Box

•46

A Few Points

• Scores based mostly on length of words and

sentences (activation VS start)

• Percent of passive voice important

• Dialog box comes at end of review

•47

Ideal Numbers

Worst Answer Ever: It Depends

But Generally

– Sentence Length: 15-20 words

– Letters per Word: 6 or fewer, closer to 5 better

– % of Passive Voice: 20% or less (far less, please)

– Reading Ease Score: 40 or higher

– Grade Level Score: Under 14

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Account Information 

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7/28/2022

Activate Tools in Outlook

1. Click File, and then click Options.

2. Click Mail, and then, under Compose Messages,

click Spelling and AutoCorrect.

3. Click Proofing.

4. Under When correcting spelling in Outlook,

select the Check grammar with spelling box.

5. Select the Show readability statistics box.

•49

Activate Tools in Outlook

•50

Activate Tools in Outlook

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7/28/2022

Activate Tools in Outlook

•52

Activate Tools in Word

1. Click the File tab, and then click Options.

2. Click Proofing.

3. Under When correcting spelling and

grammar in Word, select the Check grammar

with spelling box.

4. Select Show readability statistics.

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Activate Tools in Word

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7/28/2022

Activate Tools in Word

•55

Activate Tools in Word

•56

Good Resources

• The Online Writing Lab at Purdue University

(The OWL at Purdue)

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/

• The Writing Center at UNC Chapel Hill

http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/

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No Point, Really, Just Some Levity

•58

The longest word with just one

syllable:

strengths

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Moving from Grammar to Writing

PARAGRAPHS (PAGE 14)

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60

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) 14 ge (Pa phs Paragra

the up sums aragraph p first The 1.

road a as ts ac and on recommendati sage/ask/ mes

map.

that e sentenc pic to a have hould s paragraph Each 2.

order. an and e, purpos a subject, a hes s establi

relevant on informati ni conta hould s paragraph Each 3.

lf). tse i pic to the (and sentence ic top the to only

More? OK. is fewer but 3-5, have paragraphs st Mo 4.

t. tex up break to way ar fo ok Lo

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Paragraph a Evaluate e: s Exerci

) 15 (Page

15. page on paragraph the Read . 1

ve? Ineffecti ive? effect this Is . 2

needed? are nk thi you do s change What . 3

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ise xerc E h rap Parag on s ion Observat

unky. cl NG and LO are es sentenc The •

ideas. r majo two have to seems ph paragra The •

the then n, tio ac r fo basis the are hings t wo t these If •

so. say to needs e sentenc topic

dedn Inte of Notice this g issuin is S FSI : Example

oth b of ings d fin our on sed ab) NOIE ( nt Enforceme

te auqe inad an and lts resu mL ive posit ve repetiti

FSIS’s gs, in dnfi our on nformation I m. a ogr pr g samplin

follow take may ou y steps ext n dna y, it author tutory sta

below.

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7/28/2022

Observations on Paragraph Exercise

• If the items are related—for example, cause and

effect—this, too, should be stated.

• Example: FSIS is issuing this Notice of Intended

Enforcement (NOIE) based on our findings of an

inadequate Listeria species sampling program that

has led to repetitive positive Lm results on product

and equipment. Details on these findings follow

below.

64

Organizational Styles (Page 16)

YES: Inverted Pyramid (Deductive)

YES: Hourglass (Deductive with Repetition)

NO: Pyramid (Inductive)

NO: Chronology

65

Preferred: Inverted Pyramid Style

• The bottom line is at the top. The reader gets

the main idea first, with the supporting ideas

following behind.

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Preferred: Hourglass

• The “hourglass” style of organization leads

with the main idea, provides background

detail or justification, and then repeats the

main idea.

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Rarely Preferred: The Pyramid

• Detail is at the front, followed by a “therefore”

statement that sums up the bottom-line up

front or BLUF.

• Sometimes presents as a long chronology of

events.

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Exercise: Determine Organizational Style

(Page 17)

Paragraph 1 = Inductive

Paragraph 2 = Deductive

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7/28/2022

Notes on Person, Bullets,

Abbreviations, Microbial Names, and

Dates/Numbers

PAGES 18-20

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Referring to Yourself in FSAs

• In the FSA, use “I” or the third person (EIAO

Smith) except in the Executive Summary.

Whatever you do, do consistently.

• Use passive voice sparingly. Identify others by

their names.

• Use bullets for a list of observations.

71

Using Bullets to Break Up Text

Your response should at a minimum include

written sanitation procedures and pest control

measures you have developed and implemented

for your business operation on a daily and ongoing

basis, including all written records completed on a

daily basis, employee training, and other food

safety measures to ensure your establishment

meets statutory and regulatory requirements.

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7/28/2022

Using Bullets to Break Up Text

Your response should, at a minimum, include

the following:

– Written sanitation procedures and pest control measures you have developed and implemented

for your business operation on a daily and ongoing

basis

– All written records completed on a daily basis

– Employee training

– Any other food safety measures to ensure your

establishment meets statutory and regulatory

requirements

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Punctuating Bulleted and

Numbered Lists

• See bulleted list of tips on page 19.

• Questions?

BE CONSISTENT.

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Using Possessive and Plural

Abbreviations

• FSIS’s (singular possessive)

• CSIs’ meeting (plural possessive)

• SRMs (plural)

• EIAO (singular)

• EIAOs (plural)

• EIAO’s (singular possessive)

• EIAOs’ (plural possessive)

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7/28/2022

Using Possessive and Plural

Abbreviations

1. Don’t use the abbreviated form without first

spelling it out.

2. Don’t create parenthetical abbreviation if not

referring to it again.

3. Don’t assume that reader has seen

abbreviations in other sections. Re-define

abbreviations as needed.

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Using Correct Genus, Species, Serotype

•

•

•

•

•

•

Italicize bacterial and microbial genus and species

names, as in Escherichia coli.

When abbreviating, capitalize genus name and shorten

with a period after the first letter.

Keep species name lowercase but don’t abbreviate it.

One exception: Listeria monocytogenes or Lm.

Serotype is not italicized, but it is capitalized.

In E. coli O157:H7, that is an O, not a zero.

Some Examples

•

•

•

•

•

Listeria monocytogenes • Salmonella

or Lm Typhimurium or S.

Escherichia coli or E. coli Typhimurium

Salmonella • Campylobacter

Salmonella Enteritidis • Campylobacter jejuni or

or S. Enteritidis C. jejuni

Salmonella Hadar or S. • Shiga toxin-producing E.

Hadar coli or STEC

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7/28/2022

Using Numbers and Dates

For FSAs

• Use numerals throughout (1, 9, 11, 20).

• Don’t repeat numbers in parentheses—

five (5).

• Use abbreviated dates if you prefer

(12/15/21) but be consistent.

79

Non-FSA Guidance

•

•

•

•

•

Write out zero to nine; use numerals for 10 and

higher.

Write out any number at the start of a sentence.

Use numerals when referring to time: 24 months,

6 weeks, 3 days.

With ranges above and below 10 in a single

sentence, use numerals in all cases.

Use one date format throughout a document.

80

WRITING THE PHRE RECOMMENDATION

PAGE 21

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7/28/2022

Writing the PHRE Recommendation

(Page 21)

• Document the rationale for, or against, doing an FSA

in PHIS using the PHRE Tool. Follow guidance in

Directive 5100.4.

• Review PHRE Report for patterns, trends, or specific

issues to investigate.

• Review lab results, consumer complaints, previous

FSAs, relevant enforcement reports, PFGE results for

Lm-positive results, and feedback from IPP.

82

Writing the PHRE Recommendation

• Recommendations can be do an FSA; don’t do FSA

but take enforcement action; don’t do FSA.

• Write the rationale for an FSA in PHRE4. Write

rationale against FSA in PHRE3.

• The PHRE is an internal document. Don’t distribute it

to the establishment.

• During the entrance meeting, explain the reason for

the FSA and answer questions about the overall

process.

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The FSA Assessment Plan (Page 22)

When recommending an FSA, create an

Assessment Plan with the following elements:

1. Apparent Statutory Violations

2. FSA Scope

3. Assessment Steps

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7/28/2022

Notes on the FSA Assessment Plan

• Doesn’t have to be long or point out obvious or

customary steps

• Should summarize why the FSA is important and

identify unique steps and/or guidance needed

• Doesn’t have to be updated if new info is captured in

the FSA

85

Writing the Rationale Against an FSA

(PHRE3) (Page 24)

• Reasons for not doing vary

• Basic structure is

Statement that FSA is not recommended and the

reasons why

Info from the PHRE Report, the EIAO’s review of

lab results, consumer complaints, enforcement

reports, PFGE results, and communication with

the relevant FLS and IPP.

86

Sample FSA Plans

• See page 23 for a sample PHRE4 response and

pages 24-25 for sample PHRE3 responses.

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7/28/2022

Example of a Mediocre Sentence

It is important to note that the assessment

plan is meant to be a tool that illustrates the

primary concern or concerns at the

establishment that need to be investigated

and why, along with a brief description of the

approach for conducting the FSA.

88

Diagnostics for Mediocre Sentence

89

After Version

The assessment plan is a tool for illustrating

the primary concern or concerns at the

establishment that FSIS will investigate. The

plan also briefly describes how to conduct

the FSA.

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90

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Readabi lity Sta t i:;;tics 

C h a,r ,:,<etce r s 

Parogroph .. 

Averages 

Se,, u ,nces per Paragraph 

Words per Senten ce 

C h aracters per Wor d 

Reodi:,bility 

Fle,sch Rending Ease 

J:leseh- Kincnld Grade Level 

F>osSiYe Sent e n ces 

l!,(?;°1 ,.,,1, / /di, . . . 

X 

2 .0 

, s.o 

53A 

95 

0 .0% 

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7/28/2022

Diagnostics of After Version

91

Exercise: Evaluate a PHRE3 Response

(Page 26)

1.

2.

3.

4.

Read the PHRE3 Response on page 26 and make

note of your observations on page 27.

Review the “Instructor’s Comments” on pages 28-

29.

After you’re assigned to a small group, discuss the

two rewrites on pages 30 and 31.

When time is called, share your group’s preferred

version and why you prefer it. Write this response

into the chat. Example: “Group 2 prefers Version 2

because...”

92

Instructor’s Comments on PHRE3 Response

(Pages 28-29)

1. No need to state you are following the directive.

2. Answer is not presented until the end (inductive,

not deductive approach).

3. Subject and verb disagree—should be “were.”

4. “PHIS profile data was reviewed” leaves reader

wondering “And so what?” (NOTE: This would be a

good opportunity to check for/confirm correct FSIS

sample tasks or inspection tasks being performed.)

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Instructor’s Comments on PHRE3 Response

5. Run-on sentence. Commas needed around

“apparently finding none.”

6. Clunky sentence with two “sions” and a passive

verb.

7. Sentence is too long (83 words).

8. Writer has packed in a lot of information. Sample

has a lot of PV but most falls under acceptable PV.

94

See Versions 1 and 2

(Pages 30-31)

1. Which version do you like better? Why?

2. Does a hybrid of Version 1 and 2 seem

possible? If so, how would you organize the

content?

95

Let’s Break Down a Few Sentences

from the Original Version

A PHRE evaluation was completed on July 16,

2015, by EIAO Lisa Simpson [using the

methodology as described in FSIS Directive

5100.4 Rev. 1].

• We can drop everything in the brackets.

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Let’s Break Down Some Sentences

Prior FSA reports were reviewed including the most recent

performed in June of 2011 that included FSIS RLm sampling

with no unacceptable sampling results, thus there were no

PFGE resultsto request.

• The passive voice and “including the most recent

performed in June of 2011” causes some confusion. Did

only the most recent FSA have the routine Lm sampling?

• The sentence is a run-on and needs to be broken before

“thus” (or replace the comma after results with a

semicolon).

97

Let’s Break Down Some Sentences

Prior FSA reports were reviewed. This included

the most recent FSA performed in June 2011,

which had FSIS RLm sampling with no

unacceptable sampling results. Thus, there were

no PFGE results to request.

• It would be better to revise the sentence to be

active, but if you stay true to the original

sentence and meaning, three sentences work

best.

98

Let’s Break Down Some Sentences

I reviewed all prior FSA reports, including the

most recent one performed in June 2011, which

had FSIS RLm sampling with no unacceptable

sampling results. Thus, there were no PFGE

results to request.

• Here the first sentence is active, which allows

you to pull the second sentence into it.

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Let’s Break Down Some Sentences

There WERE no available enforcement data or

reports for the previous 12 months.

Establishment regulatory compliance history

including PHIS NRs for the previous 6 months

was reviewed. (Phew)

• I reviewed the establishment’s regulatory

compliance history from the previous 6

months, which included two NRs in PHIS.

100

“Ough” is flexible when it comes

to pronunciation:

A rough-coated, dough-faced,

thoughtful ploughman strode

across the streets of Scarborough;

after falling into a slough, he

coughed and hiccoughed.

101

EIAO DOCUMENTATION TIPS

AND THE FSA (PAGE 32)

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Writing the FSA (Directive 5100.1)

(Page 32)

• Go big picture: focus on the food safety

system as a whole and emphasize

vulnerabilities and noncompliance.

• Discuss vulnerabilities, even when there are

no instances of noncompliance.

• Generally, do not make positive editorial

findings.

103

Writing the FSA (Directive 5100.1)

•

•

•

•

At the end of each tool, summarize the findings that

support the FSA recommendation.

Use the DMA section of the General Tool for greater

analysis of background,sample results, and observations

from throughout the FSA.

Ensure FSIS statutory and regulatory requirements

support the recommendation.

Give a synopsis of the analysis in the executive summary.

104

General EIAO Documentation Tips

(Pages 32-33)

• Write for people “outside the neighborhood.”

• Generally address the most egregious problems first.

• Clearly describe documents and facts.

• Associate dates with documents and issues.

• Identify persons involved by name and title and

clarify whether they are FSIS employees or plant

personnel.

• Relate noncompliance to accurate and relevant

regulatory citations.

105

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7/28/2022

General EIAO Documentation Tips,

Continued

• Think about the bottom-line message you are trying

to convey before putting it on paper.

• Avoid jargon and excessive wordiness.

• Consider the appearance of the document.

106

Responding to Follow-Up Questions

in the FSA Tools (Page 34)

• Answer the Question

• Maintain Proper Scope

• Use Critical Thinking

107

Tips for Writing the Follow-Up

Question Response (Page 35)

•

•

•

•

•

DO DON’T

• Copy & paste one question into Support your decision.

another. Instead, give a short Review the questions before

response and refer the reader to starting a tool. the fuller response.

Write vivid descriptions. • Quote long regulatory passages.

Lead with your main idea • Overuse jargon, abbreviations, & and be sure to answer the shoptalk. question. • Make positive editorial

Keep focus on whole system. comments but do fully support a

recommendation of no further

action.

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7/28/2022

See Page 40 for Suggested

Response to “Follow-Up Question”

• What do you think of the suggested response?

• What is most effective?

• What might you change?

112

Writing a Tool Summary

(Page 41)

•

•

•

•

•

Use the summary question at the end of each tool to focus on

the most significant noncompliance(s) or vulnerabilities.

Present these findings as 3-5 bullet points.

If a bulleted finding needs elaboration, follow it with an

explanation.

Write the summaries carefully and ensure they fully capture

the critical findings.

Use information from the tool summary (or summaries if

more than one tool is completed) to write the decision

making analysis and the executive summary.

113

Writing a Tool Summary

• This summary should capture the essence of the

information collected using that tool. It should not

be lengthy, nor should it be a chronology of the FSA.

• Do not reference other tool questions within the

summary because it should function as a stand-alone

entry.

NOTE: See sample Tool Summary (NRTE Tool) on page

42.

114

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Exercise: Critique and Rewrite a

Meat Tool Summary (Page 43-44)

1. Read and compare this with the

suggested rewrite on page 49.

2. Make note of the differences and read the

“Observations” on page 48.

3. Attempt to identify and then to underline

or highlight each passive construction.

115

Observations on

Meat Tool Summary (Page 48)

Good start. Fairly well organized and clearly states and

explains the noncompliance.

1. The last sentence in the first paragraph is a

distraction.

2. The final paragraph about the COAs is vague.

3. Two sentences are long: 2nd sentence in 3rd

paragraph is 64 words long; 3rd sentence in 4th

paragraph is 42 words long.

4. This analysis is 50% passive voice, which “fogs up”

the writing significantly.

116

Writing the Decision-Making Analysis

(Pages 50-51)

•

•

•

•

•

Write the DMA using findings in tool summaries, including the

General Tool summary (G54).

Use the DMA to share information on relevant results from

RLm, IVT, or IIT sampling, PHRE, and in-plant observations.

Identify what is noncompliance and what is a vulnerability.

Consider the “puzzle pieces” before you begin writing the DMA.

Lead with the recommendation(s) and an overview of the

findings. If desired, give brief information about the facility and

process.

117

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Writing the Decision Making Analysis

•

•

•

Consider using small headers to separate content. For

example, if your DMA needs to address sampling, sanitation,

and HACCP design—and these can and should be addressed

separately—use headers to guide the reader.

If desired, use the “hourglass” structure and repeat the

recommendation(s) at the end of the DMA.

PHIS allows up to 20,000 characters; ideal DMA will be 1-2

pages, far less than 20,000 characters.

118

Sample DMA Outline

(Page 52)

1. Recommendation in 1-2 sentences

2. Analysis and Explanation

3. Additional Information on Reason for FSA

and Other Relevant Findings

4. Reiterate Recommendation

119

Exercise: Critique a DMA

(Pages 53-58)

1. Read the “Before” DMA on pages 53-55.

2. Read the “After” DMA on pages 57-58.

3. Make note of at least three significant

differences.

Extra Credit: Identify any passive constructions.

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7/28/2022

What did you think?

Please share your observations about the

differences between the two DMA.

121

Instructor’s Observations

(Discussion/Not in Workbook)

1.

2.

3.

4.

Overall, writing was on target but needed to be

reorganized for easier flow/readability. It was an

easy upgrade.

In a nutshell: go deductive and create sub-sections.

Semicolon was misused. This misuse created several

fragments.

Two sentences (in analysis section) had subject-verb

disagreement.

122

Writing the Executive Summary

(Page 59)

A good executive summary will be about 350 words long and contain these

elements:

1. A sentence or two that describes the establishment and its processes,

including the major types of products it produces, as well as the rationale

for doing the FSA (PHRE information)

2. A sentence or two that describes the establishment’s compliance history

3. A sentence that describes the sampling results, if applicable

4. A couple of sentences that describe the major findings leading to the

recommendation

5. A couple of sentences that discuss the EIAO’s analysis of the significance of

those findings under the regulations that result in not meeting the

requirements of the Acts, and what they show about the establishment’s

ability to produce safe products

123

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124

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Samples ry Summa Executive

60-62) (Pages

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124

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ons vati er obs your share to prepared Be 2.

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125

think? you did What

the about observations your share Please

summary. executive

126

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7/28/2022

The longest word you can spell

without repeating a letter:

uncopyrightable

127

Instructor’s Observations

1.

2.

3.

4.

This is a tale of two documents: first 3 paragraphs are not needed, and

the rest is not bad.

Even deleting superfluous first 3 paragraphs, the sample is too long.

In second to last paragraph, 4th sentence lacks subject-verb agreement.

The establishment’s SSOPs, SOPs, E. coli control, Sanitary Dressing and

SRM programs along with the HACCP plan MEETS the regulatory

requirements of 9 CFR Parts 416, 417, and 310 at this time.

Also in the second to last paragraph, neither half of the 5th sentence is

complete. Removing the semicolon does not correct the sentence.

Direct observations and recordsreviewed of the establishment’sfood

safety systems in operation atthis time; provide the basic

environmental conditionsfor the production of safe, wholesome food

and no issues affecting public health were observed.

128

How did you do?

• Compare your group’s rewrite against the

suggested response on page 66.

• Any feedback or observations on your rewrite

or the suggested response?

Stats on Suggested Response: – 348 words

– 19.1 words per sentence, 5.3 sentences per paragraph, 4 paragraphs

– 25% passive voice

– Reading-Ease Score of 35.5 and Grade Level Score of 13

129

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NOIE & Suspension Letter Format

(Pages 72-75)

1. First Paragraph: What Action FSIS is

Taking (Road Map)

2. Second Paragraph: FSIS’s Authority to

Take Action

3. Third Paragraph: Findings and Basis for

Action

4. Fourth Paragraph: Alleged Violator’s Next

Steps and Appeal/Hearing Rights

130

The shortest –ology (study of)

word:

Oology (study of eggs, but

you know that )

131

ALL ABOUT EMAIL

PAGE 76

132

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7/28/2022

What do you think of this email?

FYI......I’m off today but I was able to go into the system to create my profile for

COR training and certification.

I received a message that you were sent an e-mail to approve my selection of you

as my supervisor, per your request. I’m working ADS tomorrow, so I will continue

the process for submitting my certification for COR Level 1.

I believe I remember you told me last week that the request should be submitted

before the end of this year? I have a few questions since I’m a first time user.

Can you help me maneuver through the system? I need to upload some courses

that I’ve already taken. I reviewed WHAT? and feel I should consult with you for

accuracy.

Are you available Thursday or Friday to assist me with completing my request? If

so, please let me know when will be a good time to meet.

Thanks,

133

What I think of it...

• Scattershot

• Beyond conversational

• Disorganized

• Begging for a signpost/roadmap to the many

different topics

134

Write, Rest, Review, Upgrade

Hi, Boss:

I’m off today but was able to... I have a few items I want

to touch base with you on:

1. I saw that you have been approved to be my

supervisor, so that matter is resolved. Do I need to

submit...

2. Can you review the courses....

3. Etc.

If I have additional questions, can you help me...?

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The Issue is Often Tone

We misread email tone 60-90% of the time.

136

Professional Email and

Neutral/Positive Tone in 4 Bullets

• Greetings

• Complete thoughts

• Pronouns

• Closings

137

The Bottom Line on Interesting Statistics

(Page 76)

• Email is expensive—especially in terms of

time.

• Email can be risky.

• Email can prevent us from being focused.

• Be smart with how and when you use it.

138

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7/28/2022

Best Practices (Page 77)

1. Write it. Let it cool.

2. Review. Upgrade.

3. Check for attachments.

4. Check for right addressee. Send!

Remember the Washington Post Test.

139

EVALUATING EMAILS

140

Email (Before)

Got it. Will send back next week.

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7/28/2022

A greeting, closing, and context words

help:

Bill,

Got the XYZ Report. Will send back next

week.

Regards,

Connie

142

Pronouns make it better:

Bill,

I got the XYZ Report. I will send it back next

week after I review it.

Regards,

Connie

143

Example of an “Hourglass”

Dear Fred,

Please send me your revised IT budget by Friday, November 18.

As we discussed, the new budget should reflect both software and

hardware requirements. It should also break out permanent employee expenses, as well as the cost for temporary help during planned upgrades in March 2018.

If you have any questions, please let me know. I look forward to receiving your revised budget by Friday, November 18.

Sincerely,

Jasmine

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Example of a Formatted “Hourglass”

Dear Fred,

Please send me your revised IT budget by Friday, November 18.

Please make certain the budget includes and breaks out the following:

1. Software Purchases

2. Hardware Purchases

3. Permanent Employee Expenses

4. Temporary Employee Expenses (for March 2018 upgrades)

If you have any questions, please let me know. I look forward to receiving your

revised budget by Friday, November 18.

Sincerely,

Jasmine

145

Save Time

• See the email management tips on page 78 for

time-saving tips.

146

What’s Left in the Workbook

A. Confusing Words, pages 81-85

B. Transition Words and Phrases, page 86

C. Say It Simply, page 87

D. Punctuation Review, pages 88-91

E. Helpful Resources, page 92

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7/28/2022

Before We Go, Here Are Some Things

My Dog Taught Me:

• Stretch—a lot!

• Sleep—a lot!

• Assume everyone likes you.

• Never pass up the chance to use the

bathroom.

148

The Wise and Wonderful Tiki

(March 5, 2004-December 23, 2016)

149

That’s it! We’re done!

Thank you for your hard work!

I’m at wendieldh@verizon.net if you

need to reach me.

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