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Communicating 

When The 

Stakes Are High 

(and Aren’t 

They Always?) 

Objectives

Participants will 

become acquainted 

with the basic 

elements of successful 

Critical Conversations.

Participants will learn 

tools and skills to 

augment their current 

tools and practice.

What is a 

Critical 

Conversation? A conversation between 2 or more people in which: • Opposing opinions

• High emotions

• Stakes are HIGH What happens if we handle a critical 

conversation badly?

• We increase the gap between what 

we want, hope for, or expect from 

the conversation and what actually 

happens. • The outcome can have a huge 

impact on the quality of our lives.

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What Do You Have 

To Work With?

• The issue at hand

• The other person

• A primitive limbic system PER PERSON -

that is, TWO brains that are preparing to 

fight or take flight 10/17/2022

critical conversations

The Critical 

Success 

Factor

The “Pool of Shared Meaning”

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The Pool of 

Shared Meaning

• Better decisions

• More acceptance

• Easier, “stickier” implementation

SC0

How Do We Create the Pool of Shared Meaning? 10/17/2022

Start with your 

heart – get 

yourself in order

Notice when 

safety is at risk

Make it safe for 

the other

Master your 

stories

Explore others’ 

paths

Start With Heart

Focus on what you really want...

•What do I REALLY want? (For me, for 

others, for the relationship?) •What am I ACTING like I really 

want? (Do my actions, tone, and 

words match my true intent?) •How would I behave if I really did want this? Refuse the Sucker’s Choice (the 

either/or, fight or flight choice)...

• What do I NOT want? • How should I go about getting 

what I really want and avoiding what I don’t want?

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Slide 7

SC0 Judy, do you know what this doc was?

Stevens Cathy, 2022-10-01T05:54:21.266

CJ0 0 I think it was explaining the "pool"

Cortez Judy, 2022-10-05T15:46:46.217

CJ0 1 Its the what which is covered in slide 6. I like the picture in slide 7 

for slide 6

Cortez Judy, 2022-10-05T15:48:03.999

SC0 2 I like them both because I want to tell the 7 blind men and the 

elephant story.

Stevens Cathy, 2022-10-05T16:15:09.989

SC0 3 But for time we may decide not to.

Stevens Cathy, 2022-10-05T16:15:38.615

SC0 4 !!!!

Stevens Cathy, 2022-10-05T16:15:59.615

CJ0 5 Maybe we will need to cut some slides. Not enough time for an 

hour?

Cortez Judy, 2022-10-05T16:22:27.232

CJ0 6 I like your 7 blind men story. lets plug that one in?

Cortez Judy, 2022-10-05T16:23:03.326

SC0 7 Ok. That would be slide 6. Those elephants walk in the slide show 

version. (Or at least they did!) 

Stevens Cathy, 2022-10-05T16:28:43.331
10/17/2022

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Sucker’s 

choice

Start With 

Your Heart:

Keep An 

Eye On 

You!

During the meeting, check: • What part of this is mine?

• Are you sticking to your objective?

Or, • Are you changing your goal to save 

face, to win, to be right or to punish? 10/17/2022 Ask again: What do I really want? Then ask: HOW WOULD I ACT IF I REALLY WANTED THESE RESULTS?

THEN ACT LIKE THAT!

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How Do We Create the Pool of Shared Meaning? 10/17/2022

Start with your 

heart – get 

yourself in order

Notice when 

safety is at risk

Make it safe for 

the other

Master your 

stories

Explore others’ 

paths

Signs That Safety Is At Risk Silence - Any action taken to withhold 

information from the shared pool of 

meaning

• Understating true opinions (e.g. 

sarcasm or sugarcoating) • Using phrases like “some people” 

instead of “I” when sharing opinions

• Changing the topic when sensitive 

subjects are brought up

• Withdrawing from conversations or 

relationships Verbal Violence – Any action taken to 

compel others to see things from your point of view

• Exaggerating by using absolutes – you 

always; you never...

• Labeling and name-calling

• Monopolizing the conversation

• Belittling ideas or people

• Threatening

• Controlling

When 

These 

Things 

Happen...

• Don’t let safety problems lead you astray. • TAKE YOUR TIME! BREATHE! Wait for your tense 

gut reaction to subside. • Recode silence and violence as signs that people 

feel unsafe. Note: “Hey, they are feeling unsafe. Ask: What can I do to make them feel safer?” A huge task! • Learn to be curious, not angry or frightened. Ask 

questions and listen to the answers. 10/17/2022

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Make It Safe: Contrasting Statements

• What you DON’T intend

• How might others mistake my 

purpose?

• How might they feel disrespected?

• What you DO intend

• What is my REAL motivation?

• How do I really feel about the 

other person?

TIPS: • Don’t put “BUT” between the two statements. • Make your sure your intent is 

clear: What you DON’T mean to 

do and then what you DO want to do. • Don’t confuse contrasting with 

“sandwiching.”

• Be genuine and sincere.

Example of a 

Contrasting 

Statement

“I don’t want to tell you who to have as friends. That is absolutely your choice.”“I do want to make sure there isn’t any 

appearance of favoritism on our team. I think that would make it harder for you as a 

manager to effectively lead the team.”

How Do We Create the Pool of Shared Meaning? 10/17/2022

Start with your 

heart – get 

yourself in order

Notice when 

safety is at risk

Make it safe for 

the other

Master your 

stories

Explore others’ 

paths

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Master Your Stories Master Your Stories

• When our emotions 

kick in, we act our 

worst, and we think it’s 

not our fault. • Take responsibility for 

your emotions by 

owning your stories. • Change your emotions 

by changing your 

stories

Change Your 

Story

When you are in a critical conversation, 

Ask yourself these key questions: • What role did I play in this? What part of this is mine?

• Why would a reasonable, rational person do this?

• Remember your goals What should I do right 

now to move toward what I really want?

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Watch Out For...

•Victim Stories

•Villain Stories

•Helpless Stories

How Do We Create the Pool of Shared Meaning? 10/17/2022

Start with your 

heart – get 

yourself in order

Notice when 

safety is at risk

Make it safe for 

the other

Master your 

stories

Explore others’ 

paths

Explore Others’ Paths Listening

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When You Are 

Exploring...

• What are the FACTS (without interpretation)?

• What story have you 

made up about those facts? • Ask about the other person’s perspective? (Do 

you see it differently?)

What Is The 

World’s Deadliest 

Animal?

Share the Facts

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FamilyID=Office_ArchiveTorn

Encourage Testing: Do You See It Differently? 

Move to 

Action

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Jump In! Share the Pool!

Commissioner Cathy Stevens

Region 6

Cell: (510) 414-9116

Email: cstevens@fmcs.gov

Commissioner Judy Cortez

Region 5

Cell: (210) 202-9550

Email: jcortez@fmcs.gov

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