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PAIRS

A PAIRS curriculum for successful relationships

essentials

PAIRS Foundation

PARTICIPANT HANDBOOK

English Edition

Lori H. Gordon, Ph.D.

and Seth D. Eisenberg

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essentials

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PAIRS ESSENTIALS®

A PAIRS Curriculum for Successful Relationships

By Lori H. Gordon, Ph.D.

and Seth D. Eisenberg

Copyright © 2008 PAIRS Foundation, Inc. and Partnership Skills, LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, 

without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by PAIRS Foundation, Inc.

PAIRS Foundation, Inc.

2771 Executive Park Drive, Suite #1

Weston, Florida 33331 USA

(877) PAIRS-4U 

E-mail: info@pairs.com

Online at www.pairs.com/essentials

Manufactured in the United States of America.

“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most di! cult of all tasks, the 

ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation...so 

we must not forget, when we love, that we are beginners, bunglers of life, apprentices 

in love and must learn love...”

~Rainer Maria Rilke

5(9,(:&23<

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handbook

3

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Section

Introduction 

 

Session One: The Heart of Intimacy 

 

 

Session Two: Constructive Con! ict 

 

 

Session Three: Emotional Literacy 

 

PAIRS Essentials

CURRICULUM CONTENTS

Content Page

Introduction from Lori Gordon 4

Welcome from Seth Eisenberg 5

Ground Rules 6

Session Goals, Topics and Tools 8

Levels of Learning 10

Stages of Relationship 11

Three Hopes/Three Fears 12

Relationship Road Map 14

Communication Stress Styles 16

Leveling/Congruent 20

Daily Temperature Reading 21

Good Talking and Good Listening 22

PAIRS Talking Tips 23

The Love Bank 24

Caring Behaviors Worksheet 26

Session One Essentials 29

Session Goals, Topics and Tools 30

Emotional Stages of Development 32

The Emotional Jug 33

Dirty Fighting Worksheet 34

Emptying the Emotional Jug 35

Fair Fight for Change 36

Time-Out Tip 37

Fight Style Evaluation 38

Fight Results Pro" le 39

Guide for Coaches 40

Fair Fight Checklist (Scorecard) 41

Relationship Agreement 42

Session Two Essentials 45

Session Goals, Topics and Tools 46

Love Knots 48

Love Knots Worksheet 52

Untangling Love Knots 53

Powergram 54

Decision-Making Worksheet 55

Emotional Allergy Negative In" nity Loop 56

Emotional Allergy Worksheet 58

Con" ding an Emotional Allergy 59

Transforming the Loop 60

Session Three Essentials 63

PAIRS Essentials Tool Box 64

Participant Evaluation 67

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For much of my life, I have been deeply curious about 

what makes relationships work and what contributes 

to their demise. I have searched for understanding. I 

have sought to use my understanding to help others 

prevent breakdown in cherished relationships. Such 

breakdown always seemed to me a tragic waste. 

Throughout my journey, I was profoundly in# uenced 

by personal life experiences and inspired by 

path" nders who generously shared their knowledge, 

practical wisdom, and inventive approaches.

In many ways, the publication of the PAIRS Essentials 

curriculum represents the next generation for a 

mission that began quietly more than a quarter 

century ago when the concept of relationship skills 

training was considered an unproven, new age 

approach to the urgent crisis of marital and family 

breakdown. Time and again, signi" cant research has 

subsequently validated this technology as an e$ ective 

approach that empowers participants with usable 

skills that strengthen families, enhances empathy, 

understanding and connection, and o$ ers a virtual 

road map for lasting, loving relationships. 

While the full PAIRS Mastery Program is a 120-hour course, PAIRS Essentials focuses intensively on many 

of the key exercises that have been of greatest value to participants while allowing us to incorporate 

new technologies into our teaching processes. Its publication is the result of a multi-year collaboration 

with my son, Seth Eisenberg, uniquely crafted and in# uenced by his personal experience leading 

classes to thousands of participants from diverse cultural, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds 

and training hundreds of program instructors nationwide. As executive director of PAIRS Foundation, 

Seth’s talent, leadership, and dedication has ushered in a period of unprecedented growth and 

impact.

From our earliest years, the birth and development of PAIRS was guided by my husband, Morris Gordon. 

Although his passing in March 2005 left an indelible void in the hearts and lives of so many who loved 

him, his tireless e$ orts and unwavering dedication to our vision of a “safer, saner, more loving world” 

continues to inspire us daily.

To each of you whose relationships begin in hope and must be sustained by understanding -- and to 

your children -- we dedicate this work.

With warm regards,

Lori Heyman Gordon, Ph.D.

PAIRS Founder

FROM FOUNDER LORI GORDON

INTRODUCTION TO PAIRS ESSENTIALS

PAIRS Founders Lori and Morris Gordon, March 2005. 5(9,(:&23<

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introduction

5

WELCOME LETTER

IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES

Congratulations, and welcome to PAIRS Essentials! 

Your PAIRS experience will introduce you to a treasure chest 

of tools that have helped thousands of people create, nurture, 

restore, and rekindle relationships that are the very foundation 

of our lives. Over the past quarter century, PAIRS founder Lori 

Gordon’s unwavering determination for improving the lives 

of children by helping their parents build and sustain healthy, 

loving relationships has enabled us to develop, research and 

re" ne many of the world’s premier training programs.

We are grateful to each of you who participate in PAIRS. Your 

faith, courage and commitment is an inspiration to all of us whose lives are dedicated to making PAIRS 

widely available on behalf of the vision for “safer, saner, more loving world” that was the constant 

dream of our co-founder, the late Rabbi Morris Gordon.

We are eager to know about your personal experience in PAIRS. Shortly after your " rst PAIRS class, 

you will receive an e-mail survey from PAIRS Foundation inviting you to tell us about your experience. 

After you return the survey, you will receive several special editions of PAIRS Love Notes, our electronic 

newsletter, full with articles, news, links and important additional information to supplement and 

reinforce the lessons and tools you will explore in PAIRS.

Congratulations again on your decision to enroll in PAIRS. We are grateful for the opportunity to share 

this work with you and very much hope the experience will meet your highest expectations.

All good wishes,

Seth Eisenberg

Executive Director

Lori Gordon and Seth Eisenberg 5(9,(:&23<

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GROUND RULES

GROUND RULES

1. Respect each other’s privacy. 

Anything discussed in this group is con" dential. Con" dential means not sharing or 

discussing any information learned about others in the group with anyone other than 

your partner. 

2. Sharing with others in the group is voluntary. 

When doing class activities, you can choose to say and express whatever feelings you 

have. You can also choose to remain silent. Your silence will be respected.

3. Speak only for yourself, not your partner. 

One way to remember this is to make “I” statements rather than “we” statements. An 

example is that it is okay to say, “I feel” or “I think” but not “We believe...think...feel...”

4. If sharing about your couple relationship, check it out with your partner " rst. 

Checking it out with your partner before sharing something personal about your 

relationship demonstrates respect for your partner, just in case they feel uncomfortable 

about having the information shared in the group.

5. A goal of the group is to feel safe, to learn and to have fun.

This group experience is unique and is designed so that you experience with your 

partner a sense of community that is shared with others in the group. It is through this 

experience of community that your marriage will strengthen. 

6. Be respectful and considerate of others.

Please turn o$ your cell phones during class. At times of need it may be necessary 

that you be reached via your cell phone. Please, at these times, put your cell phone on 

Vibrate and kindly take the call outside of the room. 

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introduction

7

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

“I have sought love, ! rst, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacri! ced all 

the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness - that terrible 

loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable 

lifeless abyss. I have sought it, ! nally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the 

pre! guring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined.”

— Bertrand Russell

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In addition to the knowledge and skills you will discover in PAIRS Essentials, you’ll receive important 

follow-up and supplemental information from PAIRS Foundation to reinforce your workshop 

experience. Watch for your ! rst issue of PAIRS Love Notes in your e-mail shortly after this class. 

Please also complete and return the brief survey you will receive from PAIRS Foundation about your 

personal experience in PAIRS. You are important to us!

NOTES:

Relationship Road Map

Stress Styles of Communication

Daily Temperature Reading

Talking Tips

Love Bank

SESSION ONE

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session one

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THE HEART OF INTIMACY

Introduce PAIRS concepts as a framework for understanding the journey of intimacy: Levels of 

Learning, Stages of Relationship, Three Hopes/Fears, and the Relationship Road Map.

Identify styles and patterns that in# uence how we communicate under stress and their impact on 

close relationships. Learn the Leveling Style that strengthens connection & understanding.

Introduce the Daily Temperature Reading and Talking Tips as tools to enhance and nurture 

connection, cohesion, empathy and respect between intimates.

Consider the importance of creating and sustaining pleasure in intimate relationships through the 

concept of the Love Bank and Caring Behaviors to intentionally nurture a loving environment.

•

•

•

•

Key Goals

Q Levels of Learning

Q Stages of Relationship

Q Three Hopes/Three Fears

Q Relationship Road Map

Q Stress Styles of Communication

Q Leveling Style

Q Daily Temperature Reading (DTR)

Q Talking Tips

Q Love Bank

Q Caring Behaviors

Topics and Tools

“[PAIRS] changed a 29-year marriage of confusion, hurt, 

silence and missed opportunities into a vibrant relationship 

of pleasure and trust that thrives on change and growth.” 

5(9,(:&23<

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LEVELS OF LEARNING

Unconscious

Competence

( I know it and do it; 

 it is a habit. )

 Conscious Competence

 ( I am learning. )

 Conscious Incompetence

 ( I know what I don’t know. )

 Unconscious Incompetence

 ( I don’t know what I don’t know. )

When learning something new, we all start out in a stage of UNCONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE:

we don’t know what we don’t know. A goal of PAIRS is to reach the stage of UNCONSCIOUS 

COMPETENCE, where the skills you learn become habits. Learning about relationship dynamics 

and the attitudes and skills that contribute to successful relationships will help you become aware 

that there may be things you’re doing — or not doing — that are preventing you from experiencing 

the level of love, connection and ful! llment you most want.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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session one

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STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP

Illusion - that we are in love and we hope that everything will be " ne. We are looking for what is right, 

and " nding it. And then something happens, and we are disappointed - what we hoped would happen 

is not happening and we feel...

ILLUSION

Confusion - of what is wrong, of how do I change it - and anger, pain and disappointment leak out in a 

variety of ways, such as blame, sarcasm, labeling, name calling, withholding, the silent treatment, etc. 

all of which lead to a ...

CONFUSION

Disillusion - We begin to look for what is wrong, and we " nd that. As that happens, we use whatever 

we know to try to get what we want. This often leads to the POWER STRUGGLE. Each one tries the 

best ways they know to get what they want - which are often variations of the STRESS STYLES and 

“DIRTY FIGHTING” as compared to FAIR FIGHTING -- This becomes a period of ...

DISILLUSION

Conclusion - that often becomes despair, the end of intimacy and trust and con" ding and joy. Or you 

open yourself to learn the skills to deal with con# ict fairly and non-destructively and with goodwill - so 

you don’t need to lose each other. 

CONCLUSION

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THREE HOPES

REFLECTIONS

What are some of the hopes and dreams you have for your life together?

What are the good things in your life that you want to keep?

What are some of the upsetting, unhappy things that happened to

you before that you don’t want to experience again?

All the good things I ever wanted in my life, I will 

! nd with you.

All the good things I had, I will keep.

All the upsetting, unhappy things that happened 

to me before, will NOT happen with you.

3

2

1

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session one

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THREE FEARS

Good things I hoped for will not or are not 

happening.

Good things I had, I will or I am losing.

Upsetting, hurtful things that happened before 

are happening again with you.

3

2

1

REFLECTIONS

What do I want that I am not getting?

What am I getting that I don’t want?

What am I giving that I don’t want to give?

What would I like to give to you, if only things were better between us? 5(9,(:&23<

What am I getting that I do want?

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Biologically-Based Needs: Air, Food, Water, Shelter and Bonding. When needs are unmet, life is 

experienced on the PAIN side of the Road Map, including feelings of dis-ease (which can turn to 

disease), distress, distrust, UNHAPPINESS, pain, danger (which is the anticipation of pain), fear and 

anger. Bonding (the unique combination of emotional openness and physical closeness), is the only 

biologically-based need that we can’t meet by ourselves. We need another person.

NOTES:

RELATIONSHIP ROAD MAP: PAIN OR PLEASURE

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BONDING AS A BIOLOGICAL NEED

When our needs are met, we are more likely to experience life on the PLEASURE side of the 

Relationship Road Map, including feelings of ease, eu-stress (the runner’s high), trust, HAPPINESS, 

pleasure, desire, and love. Signs of Happiness include: health, energy, " exibility, creativity, sharing, 

personal responsibility, capacity for intimacy. Symptoms of Unhappiness include: illness, fatigue, 

depression, rigidity, constriction, isolation, closed, guarded, wary, anti-social behaviors, and the 

range of addictions.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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VIRGINIA SATIR’S STRESS STYLES OF COMMUNICATION

Under stress, the PLACATER cancels out their own thoughts, feelings and needs, is eager to please, 

and has a hard time saying ‘no.’ Inside, the PLACATER can feel taken for granted and build up 

resentment towards other people. Under stress, the BLAMER believes the best defense is a good 

o# ense. This communication style is one where the other person’s needs and feelings are not taken 

into account. For the BLAMER, it is “all about me!” Inside, the BLAMER feels lonely because often 

no one wants to be around him/her. BLAMERS are often angry because they anticipate not getting 

what they want, including approval.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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PLACATER, BLAMER, COMPUTER, DISTRACTER

Under stress, the COMPUTER is the calm, cool and very reasonable one. The computer expresses no 

feelings and so it is di$ cult for them to get their needs met. The COMPUTER is careful to choose the 

right words and prefers to avoid mistakes. Inside, the COMPUTER decides, “I will not share my feelings 

and I don’t know what to do with your feelings either.” The DISTRACTER ignores everything....the 

feelings and the problem. With the DISTRACTER, you may notice avoidance of direct eye contact 

and direct answers, as well as, changes to the subject being talked about. Inside, the DISTRACTER

feels frightened, confused and distrustful, believes: “I don’t know what to do.”

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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RUN, FREEZE OR FIGHT

How often has your “style” of communication become more of an issue than the issue itself? While 

each of us may have a primary style, we may have di# erent styles in di# erent relationships and 

situations. It’s not uncommon to be in one style and then suddenly in another, depending on the 

issue or your partner’s reaction. When communicating in these stress styles, ask yourself: How 

familiar does each style feel? How does one style feel compared to the others? Do you feel heard? 

Do you feel understood? How do you feel towards yourself? How do you feel towards your partner? 

Each of these styles create emotional distance instead of closeness and understanding.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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session one

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STRESS STYLES KEEP US STUCK ON PAIN SIDE

The PLACATER and DISTRACTER run away by cancelling out their own feelings and needs. 

The DISTRACTER, like the COMPUTER, can also be a way of freezing -- like a deer caught in the 

headlights, not knowing what to do with feelings so pretending they don’t exist. BLAMERS ! ght, 

often needlessly escalating con" ict and creating distance. All of these styles will keep us stuck on 

the PAIN side of the Relationship Road Map. The “Emotional Openness” aspect of Bonding means 

learning to level with each other with empathy, maturity, and a desire for the relationship to win. 

Each style also has some positive aspects. Can you identify them?

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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LEVELING STYLE PROMOTES EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

The LEVELER combines positive aspects of the stress styles. What’s positive about the PLACATER

style is empathy, as long as it’s sincere and doesn’t lead to acting one way when you’re really feeling 

something else. The BLAMER’s positive aspect is speaking on your own behalf., but with empathy 

and concern for the other person. The COMPUTER’s positive trait is the ability to use knowledge 

and resources to ! nd solutions., so long as you don’t cancel out your own feelings or your partner’s. 

What’s positive about the DISTRACTER is bringing fun and pleasure into the relationship, as long as 

you return to address the issues later and don’t develop a habit of avoiding challenging situations.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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DTR FOR NURTURING RELATIONSHIPS

The DAILY TEMPERATURE READING, also known as the “DTR,” is a tool for watering the garden 

of your most important relationships. With practice, the DTR becomes a habit, making it natural 

to look for — and express — appreciations to one another, keep each other up-to-date on the 

developments in our lives, ask questions about anything we’re wondering about so we don’t have 

to assume, express concerns or complaints directly along with speci! c requests for change, and talk 

about our individual and shared goals for the future. Many graduates have said using the DTR on a 

regular basis was the most important tool for creating and sustaining thriving relationships.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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GOOD TALKING AND GOOD LISTENING

GOOD TALKING: Making Sure the Intended Message is Received 

Good talking is DIRECT. To send a message that other people can be sure to “catch,” you need to say 

what you mean. Don’t “talk around” the subject. Don’t just drop hints, or make other people guess. 

Get to the point!

Good talking is CLEAR. Make certain that people can understand what you’re saying, and don’t just 

have a “snowy picture” of it. You need to describe things well. You need to make sure that you aren’t 

confusing your listener!

Good talking is SPECIFIC. Sending a message well means giving your listener all the necessary 

information. Don’t be vague or general when you talk. Include details that can help the other person 

know exactly what you’re talking about.

Good talking is HONEST. For your message to do the most good, it needs to be honest. Don’t say 

something you really don’t think or feel, or that doesn’t match the facts. 

Good talking is TACTFUL. Being tactful means being kind. You have to think about others feelings 

and rights before you speak. You do want to be direct, clear, speci" c, and honest with them. But you 

don’t want to say things--accidentally or on purpose that will hurt them unnecessarily. Words can 

hurt.

GOOD LISTENING: Listening to Understand 

Good listening is ACTIVE. Good listening is more than just waiting until you can talk, or until the 

other person stops talking or truly says something that interests you. Good listening is doing your best 

to hear, understand, and help the person who is talking to fully express what they want you to know.

Good listening is ATTENTIVE. To listen well, you need to concentrate on what the other person is 

saying. Make sure you get the full message that they are sending. Don’t try to guess what they mean. 

Don’t try to do some-thing else at the same time--like planning what you want to say next--you will 

probably miss something important! 

Good listening is OPEN. Good listening means giving the other person the freedom to speak, and 

giving you the freedom to learn something. To do this, you need an open mind--one that doesn’t 

refuse to hear certain things. After the speaker " nishes, you can decide whether you agree or you don’t 

agree with what was said. But while the speaker is talking, you need to agree to fully listen.

Good listening is RESPECTFUL. Good listeners never interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence. 

They only start speaking after the other person " nishes a sentence and pauses. This way, they make 

certain that they hear everything the other person wants to say, and that they don’t make the other 

person feel worthless or angry.

Good listening is CAREFUL. To be a good listener, you need to ask the speaker right away about 

anything that you didn’t hear well, that isn’t clear, or that you didn’t quite understand. 

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GUIDE FOR CONFIDING ABOUT A COMPLAINT

• Make sure you have enough time to give your undivided attention, which should be a minimum of ten to 15 

minutes. Be fully present without distractions, with goodwill and empathy for each other.

• If you are the Speaker, use short sentences your partner can repeat back easily. Be aware of the intention 

behind your communication.

• As the Listener, repeat what you think you heard your partner say without exaggerating, using comments, 

distorting or giving advice. Remember, this is not a conversation; the Listener’s role is to listen to understand 

and to tangibly, and empathically, let the Speaker know that the message you are receiving is the message 

the Speaker intends. Listening to understand is a gift to the relationship.

• Use non-verbal cues such as nodding your head and making eye contact to show you are listening and that 

you understand.

• Validate your partner’s thoughts and feelings. The Listener’s job is to help the partner feel understood; not 

to agree, comment, judge, try to " x the problem, or get into a discussion. 

• After completing Talking Tips, you can discuss the issue, reverse roles, or simply complete the exercise with 

appreciation for the information, awareness, perspective and understanding shared.

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THE LOVE BANK

Think of your relationship as a Love Bank. It’s 

important to take time to build the balance of 

your account through regular deposits. 

We make deposits into our Love Bank when 

we do things that leave our partner feeling 

cared about. A positive balance in the Love 

Bank helps provide important protection to 

our relationships.

You can make deposits by giving compliments, 

showing appreciation and gratitude, spending 

time together, being a$ ectionate, helping out 

with tasks that are important to your partner, 

and giving gifts ... the actions that express 

love to your partner.

Making Love Bank deposits is about doing the things that leave your partner feeling cared for, 

valued, and important. Often what makes others feel cared about is di$ erent then what we 

want for ourselves.

The Love Bank has a " ve-to-one rule: we must make at least " ve positive deposits in the Love 

Bank to neutralize one withdrawal, such as criticizing or making a negative observation.

Discovering what it takes to " ll your Love Bank with actions that communicate, “I care!” will help 

your relationship grow in love, pleasure and connection. Make a commitment to keeping the 

balance high.

•

•

•

•

•

•

The logic of love and emotions says we are naturally drawn to people who are a source of pleasure 

in our lives. That means di# erent things to di# erent people, and also changes over the course of a 

lifetime together. At one moment in our life, it may be connected to someone who helps us succeed 

in school or ! nd a solution to a particular challenge; at another time, it could be about creating 

a home, raising children, achieving ! nancial success, companionship, a# ection, having someone 

who brings new experiences to our lives, or anything in between. It’s important to discover what’s 

a pleasure to your partner and to recognize that many things change over time.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL CARED ABOUT?

Don’t assume that what makes you feel cared about is the same for your partner. For some of us, 

kind, a$ rming words may be most important. For others it may be about spending signi! cant 

time with each other or expressing love through physical connection. Some particularly enjoy 

gifts and presents while others may favor actions that help them accomplish pressing goals, 

assignments, or chores.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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CARING BEHAVIORS WORKSHEET

I feel cared about when ... How It Makes Me 

Feel

Enter check (√) 

marks when 

noticed

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

5(9,(:&23<

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CONSIDER SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES

Lasting relationships involve navigating many of life’s passages together. How do we experience 

and express love during periods of challenge, such as facing illness, fatigue, fear, sadness, and 

similar circumstances? What about in opposite situations, such as when we’re celebrating important 

milestones, accomplishments or successes? It’s important to let signi! cant others know what makes 

you feel cared about in these situations, and also to know what makes others feel cared about when 

they are dealing with any of these special circumstances.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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I’M BEGINNING TO REALIZE ...

VIRGINIA SATIR’S “FIVE FREEDOMS”

1. The Freedom to see and hear what is here instead of what should be, was, or will be.

2. The Freedom to say what one feels and thinks instead of what one should.

3. The Freedom to feel what one feels, instead of what one ought to.

4. The Freedom to ask for what one wants, instead of always waiting for permission.

5. The Freedom to take risks in one’s own behalf, instead of choosing to be only ‘secure’ 

and not rocking the boat.

5(9,(:&23<

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29

ESSENTIALS

PAIRS Satisfaction Survey

PAIRS cares about your personal experience. You will receive a 

brief survey from the PAIRS Foundation by e-mail asking about 

your experience. Add info@pairs.com to your e-mail white list so 

that you will receive follow-up information from PAIRS. Please 

respond to the survey.

Watch your e-mail for PAIRS Love Notes

After PAIRS receives your survey, you will begin receiving 

additional information about the materials in PAIRS Essentials 

directly from PAIRS Foundation. Watch your e-mail for your 

personal copy of Love Notes.

PAIRS Practices

1. Make time daily for Daily Temperature Readings. PAIRS 

strongly encourages you to make a commitment to 15—20 

minutes each day for Daily Temperature Readings for 30 days 

after you begin your PAIRS class. Remember to always use the 

DTR and other PAIRS tools with goodwill and empathy.

2. Complaints with Request for Change are a natural part of 

all human relationships. You can share them inside the DTR 

by simply saying, “When _______ happens, I feel ________, 

and what I’d like instead is ____________,” or practice using 

Talking Tips to improve and deepen communication, 

understanding, and empathy.

3. Complete your caring behaviors worksheets and make regular 

deposits in your Love Bank!

LEARNING POINTS:

Q Levels of Learning

Q Stages of Relationship

Q Three Hopes/Three Fears

Q Relationship Road Map

Q Stress Styles of

Communication

Q Leveling Style

Q Daily Temperature Reading

Q Talking Tips

Q Love Bank

Q Caring Behaviors

 *Underlined topics are key tools in the 

PAIRS Essentials curriculum.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

30

Emotional Stages of Development

SESSION TWO

A good relationship is based on mutual respect and a relatively equal balance of power. It involves 

concern for and sensitivity to each other’s feelings and needs, as well as an appreciation of the things 

that make each partner so special ...Within this idea, there is room for arguments, bad moods, 

di# erences of opinion, even anger. However, loving partners ! nd e# ective ways of dealing with their 

di# erences, they do not view each encounter as a battle to be won or lost.” 

~ Susan Forward

NOTES:

The Emotional Jug and Dirty Fighting

Emptying the Emotional Jug

Fair Fight for Change 5(9,(:&23<

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31

CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT

Q Consider the impact of emotional attitudes on our ability to navigate di$ erences and con# icts 

that naturally arise in close relationships.

Q Discover the in# uence of negative emotions on our ability to experience love and pleasure and 

understand how these feelings impact our behaviors.

Q Learn the Emptying the Emotional Jug tool for safely con" ding emotions on behalf of increased 

empathy and love.

Q Practice the Fair Fight for Change tool for negotiating di$ erences and con# icts on behalf of your 

relationship vision.

Key goals

Q Emotional Stages of Development

Q The Emotional Jug

Q Dirty Fighting

Q Emptying the Emotional Jug

Q Fair Fight for Change

Q Time-Out Tip

Q Fight Styles and Results Pro" le

Q Guidelines for Coaches

Topics and Tools 5(9,(:&23<

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EMOTIONAL STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

The INFANT: Feels a need, but can only cry and must wait for the parents to " gure out what the problem may 

be. Adult ‘stuck’ in the EMOTIONAL INFANT: Can treat others like an object to meet their needs. That person may 

be expressing: “I want what I want when I want it, and you are just an object to give me what I want.”

The CHILD: Communicates, but remains dependent on others for meeting their needs; will act out feelings of 

hurt, fear and resentment. Adult ‘stuck’ in the EMOTIONAL CHILD: Will act out feelings of resentment through 

distance; pouting, whining, withholding, or placating. That person may say: “You have things that I want and 

I will ! nd a way to get them from you.” The emotional child is not honest and will not negotiate openly in the 

relationship.

The ADOLESCENT: Is rebellious with parents and authority " gures and in e$ ect says, “Don’t tell me what to 

do!” Has a need to prove they are not dependent. Adult ‘stuck’ in the EMOTIONAL ADOLESCENT: Cannot give 

their partner what they want without feeling controlled by them and resenting it. That person may say: “I cannot 

listen to you with empathy because I believe you are telling me what to do. You are being critical of me, my beliefs, and 

my behavior.” Whatever the partner asks for is experienced as control and feels as if they are being treated like 

a child. 

The EMOTIONAL ADULT: Has the capacity to demonstrate Goodwill and mutual concern, is open to learning, 

growing and has a willingness to change. The healthy Emotional Adult will say: “I can ask for what I need and 

want, without controlling, manipulating or running from you; I can listen with empathy about how it is for you, without 

assuming it’s only about me.”

One of the important tasks of a loving marriage is that each person functions as an EMOTIONAL ADULT, enough 

of the time, to resolve problems and is able to give each other support and caring. 

5(9,(:&23<

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NEGATIVE FEELINGS RISE TO THE TOP

The EMOTIONAL JUG is a way to think about emotions/feelings. Imagine pouring all of your feelings 

into an Emotional Jug. The feelings would settle in di# erent layers. At the very top of the Emotional 

Jug would be a ‘cork’ that attempts to keep their emotions from leaking out. The top layers of the 

Emotional Jug are the more powerful negative feelings that people have. These feelings are Anger, 

Fear, and Sadness. Sometimes people feel confused when all the negative feelings get jumbled up 

together. Guilt and shame are also feelings that ! ll up the Emotional Jug. Negative feelings may 

implode or explode. On the way, they will often leak through dirty ! ghting.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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DIRTY FIGHTING TACTICS: ACTIVE AND PASSIVE

DIRTY FIGHTING TACTICS What I do. What my 

Partner does.

What my 

Partner will 

say I do.

SARCASM

RIDICULING

THREATENING

ACCUSING

LABELING

TAUNTING

LAUGHING AT

ASSUMING

SNEERING

CONTEMPT

IGNORING

BLAMING

STONEWALLING

OTHER

OTHER

5(9,(:&23<

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EMPTYING THE EMOTIONAL JUG

• Make sure you have enough time to give your undivided attention, which should be 

a minimum of 20 to 30 minutes. Listener must be fully present to the Speaker without 

distractions.

• Practice Emptying the Emotional Jug with issues that are not about the Listener. This is a 

con" ding exercise, not a discussion.

• The Listener is fully present with empathy - not judgment, defensiveness, or the need to “" x 

it,” disqualify, minimize feelings, or interject their own experiences.

• If you are the Speaker, simply express what’s there at each step of the exercise. It’s not 

necessary to get into a discussion, feelings are in your gut, not your head.

• Listener should use non-verbal cues to show you are listening and that you have empathy. 

After completing Emptying the Jug, show appreciation to each other for sharing, listening, 

and making room for positive feelings.

What are you MAD about?

What are you SAD about?

What are you SCARED

about?

What are you GLAD 

about?

If you were mad about anything else, what would it be?

Thank You!

If you were sad about anything else, what would it be?

Thank You!

If you were scared about anything else, what would it 

be? Thank You!

Is there anything else that you are glad about?

Thank You! 5(9,(:&23<

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36

The Fair Fight for Change is used to present a complaint and seek a change in the behavior of your 

partner. It is a negotiation. Fair ! ghting requires lots of practice and learning. Remember you are 

using the tool for the bene! t of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Feeling that your partner 

really understands is very important. Often what lies behind a speci! c complaint is really a request 

to feel understood. Empathic listening is as important as sending the message. Coaching helps the 

! ghters to stay with their concerns without violating the structure and to make the ! ght safe.

NOTES:

FAIR FIGHT FOR CHANGE PROCESS IN TEN STEPS

1. Invite Partner.

2. Re# ect on complaint.

3. State Complaint 

clearly (one speci" c 

behavior).

4. Partner repeats what 

you said (listening to 

understand, speaks with 

empathy).

5. Show appreciation 

(for being heard 

accurately).

6. Ask for what you 

want instead (speci" c 

behavior). Ask:

“Will you do it?”

8. Show appreciation (for 

being heard accurately). 

7. Partner repeats what 

you said (speaks with 

empathy).

9. Partner responds: 

“Yes,” “No,” or “Yes with 

conditions.”

10. Continue process 

until you come to a 

solution. 5(9,(:&23<

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NOTES:

IF FEELING OVERWHELMED, CALL “TIME-OUT”

5(9,(:&23<

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FIGHT STYLE PROFILE

Style Fair Unfair

Facial Expression

Open, Responsive,

Re# ective, Interested, Real

Closed, Guarded,

Impassive, Masked,

Disinterested

Focus Here and Now, Direct, Speci" c 

to the Problem, One Issue, To 

the point

Past, Generalizing,

Gunny sacking, 

Kitchen Sink

Communication Clear & Relevant, Shared 

Meaning, Responsive, Accurate 

feedback, Empathy

No Empathy, No

Response, One Way,

Inaccurate or

No Feedback

Information & Reality Realistic, Accurate, 

Authentic Distorted, Fantasy, Lies

Comments & Impact Reasonable, Fair,

Above the Belt

Willing to Recognize own Contribution to the Problem

Responsibility Willing to Recognize 

own Contribution 

to the Problem

Justifying, Denying,

 Ignoring own part

Openness to Change Willing and 

Open to Change

Rigid, Fixed,

Unchanging 5(9,(:&23<

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39

FIGHT RESULTS PROFILE

Pro" le Constructive Destructive

Importance Feel more important to partner Feel less important

to partner

In# uence 

& Self-Worth

Increased – feel heard and

understood

Decreased – feel

misunderstood

Resentment Relieved Inhibited, repressed

Hurt & Fear Decreased Increased

Trust Increased Decreased

Closeness Feel closer, more

a$ ectionate Feel more distant

Reparation

Hurts mended – willing to or 

did make up for mistakes or

mistreatment

No attempt to make up for 

mistakes

or hurt feeling

Forgiveness Able to forgive

partner

Desire to withhold, 

withdraw, distance or

get even

Progress Progress made

toward solution

No progress made

toward solution

5(9,(:&23<

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COACHING GUIDELINES

1. All discussions are held aloud for all to hear. 

2. Keep couple on track following the 10 Steps.

3. Call Time Out for Dirty Fighting.

4. Do not “side” with either person.

5. Do not “give answers” -- ask re! ective questions or o# er possible

solutions if necessary. 

6. Use Fair Fight Checklist as guide for feedback to the couple.

7. Be their mirror - re! ect back to them what you are observing. 

8. Write down the key points: Complaint, Request for Change, and 

Agreement. 

9. Encourage Appreciations.

10. If the couple scores " ve or more points on the Fair Fight Check List, 

they have demonstrated a Fair Fight for Change. 

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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FAIR FIGHT CHECKLIST (SCORECARD)

Place a check (√) in the box that best scores the couple. If one person gets a “no” place a 

check mark in the ‘No’ Box for the couple. Add up the number of check marks in each box for 

a score. A score of ! ve or more in the ‘Yes’ column indicates a successful fair ! ght for change.

Couple YES NO

Did they use Positive Facial Expressions and Body 

Language?

Did they stay on one complaint?

Did they communicate their feelings about the 

complaint?

Did the Partner who was listening use empathy in 

responding?

Did they share appreciations?

Did they come to a solution?

Did they demonstrate goodwill?

TOTAL SCORE

5(9,(:&23<

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AGREEMENT

NOTES:

FAIR FIGHT FOR CHANGE

Relationship Agreement

How this agreement will bene" t 

our relationship:

Include both partner’s perspectives.

Speci" c, Measurable Behaviors:

As distinct from attitude or character

changes, and wishful hopes or possibilities.

Duration of this agreement.

You can always chose to extend the 

agreement longer if it is working well.

Schedule times for review 

and tune-up:

Remember that breakdowns are

learning opportunities.

Our reminders for keeping this 

agreement alive:

Auditory or visual reminders that inspire

you to action. 5(9,(:&23<

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43

AGREEMENT

NOTES:

FAIR FIGHT FOR CHANGE

Relationship Agreement

How this agreement will bene" t 

our relationship:

Include both partner’s perspectives.

Speci" c, Measurable Behaviors:

As distinct from attitude or character

changes, and wishful hopes or possibilities.

Duration of this agreement.

You can always chose to extend the 

agreement longer if it is working well.

Schedule times for review 

and tune-up:

Remember that breakdowns are

learning opportunities.

Our reminders for keeping this 

agreement alive:

Auditory or visual reminders that inspire

you to action.5(9,(:&23<

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I’M BEGINNING TO REALIZE ...

5(9,(:&23<

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45

ESSENTIALS

Watch your e-mail for PAIRS Love Notes II

You will be receiving additional information about the materials 

in this " rst session of PAIRS Essentials directly from PAIRS 

Foundation. Watch your e-mail for your personal copy of Love 

Notes II. Please be sure info@pairs.com is on your e-mail white list 

so you don’t miss this follow-up information.

PAIRS Practices

1. Remember to always “invite,” and never “in# ict” the tools you 

are discovering in PAIRS.

2. Continue to take time for Daily Temperature Readings. 

3. Be intentional about being in your “Emotional Adult” when 

dealing with con# ict and di$ erences.

4. Look for an opportunity to invite a signi" cant other to Empty 

the Emotional Jug; practice being fully present with empathy 

and goodwill. Ask your partner to be present for you to 

practice too.

5. Be aware of instances in which dirty " ghting takes place. 

If you see yourself dirty " ghting, pause to re# ect on what 

you’ve discovered in PAIRS, look for opportunities to deal with 

di$ erences using the skills you’re learning.

6. Support yourself in successfully honoring your Fair Fight for 

Change agreement.

LEARNING POINTS:

Q Emotional Stages of

Development

Q Emotional Jug

Q Dirty Fighting

Q Emptying the Emotional Jug

Q Fair Fight for Change

Q Fight Style Pro" le

Q Fight Results Pro" le

Q Fair Fight Checklist

* Underlined topics are key tools in the 

PAIRS Essentials curriculum.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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Love Knots and Untangling Love Knots

SESSION THREE

NOTES:

Powergram

Emotional Allergies

Transforming the Loop 5(9,(:&23<

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47

EMOTIONAL LITERACY

Q Uncover and reconsider Love Knots, the hidden expectations and assumptions that are unique to 

intimate relationships.

Q Create a model for shared decision-making and accountability based on your personal 

relationship vision and mutual respect.

Q Identify causes of intense emotional reactions and consider the impact on close relationships.

Q Learn process for transforming negative reactions and patterns into increased empathy, 

understanding and love.

Key goals

Q Love Knots

Q Untangling Love Knots

Q Powergram

Q Emotional Allergies

Q Emotional Allergy

In" nity Loop

Q Transforming the Loop

Topics and Tools 5(9,(:&23<

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HIDDEN ASSUMPTIONS AND EXPECTATIONS

Hidden assumptions and expectations can create distance and 

misunderstanding in relationships.

Love Knots are commonly held beliefs that seem to be true. However, 

they are not true because they are not based on logical, realistic thinking. 

Love Knots can be very harmful to a relationship.

PAIRS founder Lori Gordon identi! ed various assumptions and 

expectations that many couples have about their relationships. (Love 

Knots; 1996). Consider these examples.

Love Knot # 1

“If you really loved me, you would 

know what i want, and you would 

do it. Since you don’t, you obviously 

don’t care.”

Untangled

“I cannot assume that you know 

what i want and need. I will ask for 

what I want and not expect you to 

know.”

Re$ ection

When have you waited for others 

to guess what you want and do it, 

becoming disappointed, hurt, or

distant when they didn’t?

What happened as a result? 5(9,(:&23<

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Love Knot # 2

“When I tell you how i feel, you 

interrupt, disagree, give advice, judge, 

or dismiss my feelings. I stop telling 

you. I distance myself from you.”

Untangled

“If I want you to listen to me and to 

hear me without comment, I need 

to ask for that. Advice is not helpful 

when the person does not want 

it. Learning how to listen more 

attentively is often more important 

than giving advice.”

Re$ ection

Are there people in your life 

who you’ve stopped con! ding 

in because you didn’t like their 

reaction? How has that a# ected 

your relationships?

What might be possible in your 

relationship if you could ask your 

partner to just listen 

with empathy?

Love Knot # 3

“If you are in pain, I believe i should be 

able to ! x it. I don’t know how to ! x it, 

so i feel inadequate. I get angry with 

you for making me feel inadequate. 

I withdraw from you and blame you 

when you are in pain.”

Untangled

“When you are in pain I can be 

supportive without believing I have 

to provide a solution. I can listen, 

empathize and acknowledge what 

you say. I will respect and honor 

your feelings as well as your ability 

to ask for what you want.”

Re$ ection

Have there been times in your life 

when you couldn’t make things 

better for someone you cared 

about? How did you feel about the 

situation? About yourself?

About the other person?

How can you be supportive of 

someone going through a di$ cult 

time? What would you like from your 

partner when you are in pain?

TYPICAL LOVE KNOTS

5(9,(:&23<

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Love Knot # 4

“If i tell you what I want and you do 

it, It doesn’t count (because I had to 

tell you). If you try to guess what I 

want and you don’t get it right, I get 

angry.”

Untangled

“I cannot expect you to know 

what I want. Nor can I expect you 

to do anything exactly the way I 

would. I can still appreciate the gift 

of whatever you do because you 

believe I would like it.”

Re$ ection

How often have you experienced 

double binds in your relationships 

where no matter what happens, 

everyone loses? What happens to 

love in these situations?

Re% ect on a time you got angry 

because someone didn’t do something 

the way you wanted. Can you also 

remember being on the receiving end 

of this double bind? What would help 

you appreciate others for what they 

do, even when it’s not done exactly the 

way you want?

Love Knot # 5

“If I let myself get close to you, I will 

need you. If I am too dependant 

and need (love) too much, I will not 

be able to survive without you. I will 

become weak.”

Untangled

“I can enjoy being close to you, 

yet survive on my own if I need 

to. As an adult I am not helpless. I 

can make a new life for myself if I 

have to. Meanwhile, the pleasures 

of intimacy are among life’s most 

ful! lling gifts.”

Re$ ection

This can be a self-ful! lling prophecy. 

Can you remember a situation 

where your fear of losing someone 

or something important to you led 

to exactly what you most feared? 

Sometimes. fears about the future 

can be so powerful that we miss 

opportunities to experience love, 

happiness, pleasure and ful! llment in 

the present.

What fears about the future are getting 

in the way of embracing the gift of 

closeness and connection with those 

who are most important in your life 

today?

TYPICAL LOVE KNOTS

5(9,(:&23<

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51

TYPICAL LOVE KNOTS

Love Knot # 6

“if we don’t agree, one of us must be 

wrong. If it’s me, that means I am bad, 

stupid, ignorant, or inadequate. So it 

can’t be me. I must prove that it’s you so 

I won’t feel like a failure.”

Untangled

“We should be able to disagree. 

We are all unique, and 

disagreements are a natural 

re% ection of our uniqueness.”

Re$ ection

How do you feel when a signi! cant 

other disagrees with you? What 

price has your relationship paid for 

arguments about di# erent views and 

perspectives?

Consider a time when you argued or 

distanced from someone who was 

important in your life because you 

didn’t agree. What would help you 

embrace future di# erences as a natural 

part of all relationships and become 

open to hearing and considering other 

views without having to agree with 

each other?

Love Knot # 7

“If I ask what you are thinking or 

feeling, I believe I am intruding (as 

you would tell me if you wanted me 

to know). If I don’t ask, you believe 

I’m not interested, so you never tell 

me. We live as strangers.”

Untangled

“Con! ding is the life blood of intimacy. 

I need to be able to ask for information, 

and you need to be able to volunteer 

it when I don’t ask, if we are to nurture 

our relationship. It is crucial that we 

speak our truths, ask our questions, 

and keep each other informed.”

Re$ ection

Remember a period in your life when 

it was natural to have open, % owing 

conversations together. How did that 

feel? What did it mean to you to know 

that you could talk about anything and 

everything with each other?

What does it mean to have a witness 

to your life, and to be a witness to 

someone else’s life? What would make 

it natural and safe for others to share 

their thoughts and feelings with you? 

What do you need from others?

TYPICAL LOVE KNOTS

5(9,(:&23<

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YOUR LOVE KNOTS

Place a check (√) mark if a given Love Knot ! ts for you. Then place a question mark (?) in the 

next box if you suspect that Love Knot ! ts for your partner.

Love 

Knot #

Love Knot Description

(May Reword to Fit)

Fits for 

me

Suspect 

Fits for 

my 

Partner

1.

If you really loved me, you would know what I want, and 

you would do it. Since you don’t, you obviously don’t 

care.

2.

When I tell you how I feel, you interrupt, disagree, give 

advice, judge, or dismiss my feelings. That’s not what I 

want. I stop telling you. I distance myself from you.

3.

If you are in pain, I believe I should be able to ! x it. I don’t 

know how to ! x it, so I feel inadequate. I get angry with 

you for making me feel inadequate. I withdraw from you 

and blame you for being in pain.

4.

If I tell you what I want and you do it, it doesn’t count 

(because I had to tell you). If you try to guess what I want 

and you don’t get it right, I get angry.

5.

If I let myself get close to you, I will need you. If I am too 

dependent and need (love) you too much, I will not be 

able to survive without you. I will become weak.

6.

If we don’t agree, one of us must be wrong. If it’s me, that 

means I am bad, stupid, ignorant, or inadequate. So it 

can’t be me. I must prove that it’s you so I won’t feel like 

a failure.

7.

If I ask what you are thinking or feeling, I believe I am 

intruding (as you would tell me if you wanted me to know). 

If I don’t ask, you believe I’m not interested, so you never 

tell me. We live as strangers.

5(9,(:&23<

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session three

53

UNTANGLING A LOVE KNOT

Be fully present without distractions, with goodwill and empathy for each other. If you are the 

Speaker, use short sentences your partner can repeat back easily. As the Listener, repeat what you 

think you heard your partner say without exaggerating, using comments, distorting or giving 

advice. This is not a conversation. Use non-verbal cues.. Validate partner’s thoughts and feelings. 

Help partner feel understood; do not agree, comment, judge, try to ! x the problem, or get into 

a discussion. Afterwards, discuss the issue, reverse roles, or simply complete the exercise with 

appreciation for the information, awareness, perspective and understanding shared.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

54

POWERGRAM - WHO DECIDES?

NOTES:

Our relationship

ME US YOU

My

Decision

My

Decision

with YOUR

Input

“OUR”

Decision

Need to

Agree

Your

Decision

with My

Input

Your

Decision

(Mine /Ours /Yours)

Needs to be able to be discussed

Our relationship

5(9,(:&23<

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session three

55

DECISION-MAKING WORKSHEET

Decision Making Topic My

Decision

My

Decision 

with Your 

Input

OUR

Decision

We Need 

To Agree

Your

Decision 

with My 

Input

Your

Decision

My work hours

Who does the laundry

Time to go to bed

Time spent together

Who helps with school work

Who does the grocery shopping

Sets rules for the children

Who changes the diapers

What we/children eat

How often we make love

Who manages the money

Who takes out the garbage

Time spent apart

Phone calls

A$ ection in Public / Private

Friends

Other:

Other:

Other:

Other:

5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

56

EMOTIONAL ALLERGY NEGATIVE INFINITY LOOP

Having the intensity of an Emotional Allergy makes something feel much worse than the actual 

current situation might be. When we have an Emotional Allergy, we feel much worse than others 

might feel, and we wind up reacting with more intensity than others might understand or accept. 

It’s as if we hand the bill for something someone did to us in the past to someone in the present. We 

can ! nd ourselves stuck in an Emotional Allergy Negative In! nity Loop when our intense response 

triggers an Emotional Allergy in the other person.

NOTES:

My Allergy

My Feelings

My Belief

My Behavior

Dirty Fighting Dirty Fighting

Your Allergy

Your Feelings

Your Belief

Your Behavior 5(9,(:&23<

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session three

57

EMOTIONAL ALLERGY NEGATIVE INFINITY LOOP

The loop represents two separate people; she on one side, he on the other, joined and bonded to 

each other. Each person brings their own allergies of their past. One person’s loop can begin with 

a triggering event by the other person’s behavior. For example: When you raise your voice in anger, 

it triggers my fear and hurt. The behavior you receive from me is silent treatment. When you get 

the silent treatment, it triggers your hurt, anger, and fear because of your belief that anyone not 

speaking to you doesn’t respect you.

NOTES:

My Allergy

(TRIGGER)

Raising your voice in 

anger

Your Allergy

(TRIGGER)

Silent Treatment

My Feelings

Fear

Hurt

Anger

My Belief

Anyone who yells at 

me, does not love me

My Behavior

I give you the silent 

treatment for

yelling

Your Behavior

I raise my voice again 

and you continue not 

to speak to me

Your Feelings

Fear

Hurt

Anger

Your Belief

Anyone who stops 

speaking to me does 

not respect me 5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

58

IDENTIFYING EMOTIONAL ALLERGIES

IDENTIFYING EMOTIONAL ALLERGIES

An Emotional Allergy I have for myself is:

When you....

I feel...

I think...

I worry about....

I behave by.....

IDENTIFYING EMOTIONAL ALLERGIES

Emotional Allergy you suspect for your partner:

When you behave like...

I feel...

I remember...

I believe...

I behave by...

5(9,(:&23<

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session three

59

CONFIDING AN EMOTIONAL ALLERGY

Be fully present without distractions, with goodwill and empathy for each other. If you are the 

Speaker, use short sentences your partner can repeat back easily. As the Listener, repeat what you 

think you heard your partner say without exaggerating, using comments, distorting or giving 

advice. This is not a conversation. Use non-verbal cues.. Validate partner’s thoughts and feelings. 

Help partner feel understood; do not agree, comment, judge, try to ! x the problem, or get into 

a discussion. Afterwards, discuss the issue, reverse roles, or simply complete the exercise with 

appreciation for the information, awareness, perspective and understanding shared.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

60

NOTES:

TRANSFORMING THE LOOP

My

Con! ding

Your

Listening

with

Empathy

Partner One

My Allergy:

(TRIGGER)

To your raising your voice 

in anger

Con! ding My Feelings of

Fear, Hurt, Anger

My Changed Belief:

You are not the person in 

my past.

You do love me. I can 

trust you to listen to my 

feelings and care.

My New Behavior 

(Con" ding):

[You respond by listening 

with Empathy]

I Say: When you yell at 

me, it scares me. I am 

afraid you will leave me 

like my father did.

Partner Two

Your Changed Feelings

Sympathy

Your Changed Belief:

Its not against me.

Your Changed Behavior

Empathy, reassurance, a$ ection, comfort 5(9,(:&23<

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session three

61

LOOP OF VULNERABILITY AND EMPATHY

Vulnerability: 

Q Allowing another person to see the parts of you that are scared, hurt, 

sad, and lonely, etc. 

Q Taking a risk to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with another 

person even when you are not sure how they will react.

Empathy:

Q Imagining what it feels like to be in the other person’s shoes 

Q Imagining what that person thinks and feels. 

LOVE

When we become aware of intense feelings, we can choose to react or we can choose instead to be 

vulnerable, to allow another person to see the parts of us that are hurt, sad or angry. If the other 

person reacts with empathy (imagining what we are feeling and experiencing), we can create a 

positive Loop of Vulnerability and Empathy: LOVE.

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

62

I’M BEGINNING TO REALIZE ...

“It is only with the heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is 

invisible to the eye.”

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 

The Little Prince

5(9,(:&23<

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session three

63

ESSENTIALS

Watch your e-mail for PAIRS Love Notes III

You will be receiving additional information about the 

materials in this " nal session of PAIRS Essentials directly 

from PAIRS Foundation. Watch your e-mail for your personal 

copy of Love Notes III, including your 30-Day Preventive 

Maintenance Plan and expanded PAIRS Tool Kit. Please be 

sure info@pairs.com is on your e-mail white list so you don’t 

miss this follow-up information.

PAIRS Practices

Continue to take time for Daily Temperature Readings. 

Complete your Powergram and schedule a time for 

periodic review (monthly, quarterly, semi-annually?).

Review the PAIRS Tool Kit and look for regular 

opportunities to continue practicing PAIRS skills.

Create your personal 30-Day Preventive Maintenance 

Plan using the information and worksheets you’ll receive 

in an upcoming edition of Love Notes. 

1.

2.

3.

4.

LEARNING POINTS:

Love Knots

Untangling Love Knots

Powergram

Emotional Allergies

Transforming the Loop

*Underlined topics are key tools in 

the PAIRS Essentials curriculum.

* Underlined topics are key tools in the 

PAIRS Essentials curriculum.

•

•

•

•

•

NOTES: 5(9,(:&23<

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essentials

64

PAIRS ESSENTIALS TOOL KIT I’M BEGINNING TO REALIZE

Problem or 

feeling 

Tool Tip

to use

To do for 

yourself

To do with 

your partner Notes

Feeling 

disconnected.

LEVELING

STYLE

Take time to be 

fully present to 

the treasure that 

is you.

Get away from 

distractions to 

focus and be fully 

present for each 

other.

Create regular 

opportunities 

to connect with 

empathy and 

honesty.

Sense of growing 

distance

DAILY 

TEMPERATURE

READING

Speak up for the 

relationship.

DTR will 

strengthen both 

partners’ intimacy 

and develop the 

habit of con" ding.

Set aside time 

daily.

Give hugs and 

thanks!

Attempting to 

resolve problems 

under stress

TIME OUT

Stop all talking 

immediately. 

State how much 

time you would 

like.

Do not continue 

to think badly of 

partner. Do not 

use drugs/alcohol.

Resume talking 

to discuss and 

resolve the 

problems.

Wanting to feel 

cared about and 

loved

CARING

BEHAVIORS

LOVE BANK

Take care of you!

Add to Caring 

Behaviors list. Do 

several each day.

Revisit ways of 

" lling your Love 

Bank.

Upsetting 

reaction to 

partner’s behavior 

TALKING TIPS

GUIDE

Review Talking 

Tips for yourself 

" rst.

Partner listens 

with empathy for 

understanding 

about what is 

troubling.

Listening partner 

repeats back until 

meaning is clear. 5(9,(:&23<

No arguing.

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tool kit

65

PAIRS ESSENTIALS TOOL KIT ESSENTIALS

Problem or 

feeling 

Tool Tip

to use

To do for 

yourself

To do with 

your partner Notes

Feeling 

emotionally 

overwhelmed

EMPTY THE JUG Seek comfort and 

understanding.

Partner listens 

with empathy for 

understanding.

Thank your 

partner for having 

good will to listen 

to what you had 

to say. Show 

appreciations.

To ask for a 

behavior change 

from partner

FAIR FIGHT FOR 

CHANGE

Know what 

behavior change 

you want and 

why.

Invite partner 

for a FFFC 

and prepare 

to negotiate 

outcome. 

Use Talking Tips 

guide or Time Out 

to manage strong 

emotion. Stay to 

one subject.

Who should

 decide POWERGRAM

Think through 

who should make 

the decision.

Use tools to

 discuss.

Need all tools, 

Shared Meaning, 

Talking Tips to 

FFFC.

Full resentment of 

partner LOVE KNOTS Identify your 

underlying belief.

Clarify with

 partner.

Re# ect on what 

is true for partner 

rather than my 

assumptions.

Angry at partner’s 

behavior

EMOTIONAL 

ALLERGY

Re# ect on why 

you’re so upset.

Re# ect on why 

you’re so upset.

New 

understanding 

of my partner’s 5(9,(:&23<

reactions.

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essentials

66

I’M BEGINNING TO REALIZE ...

5(9,(:&23<

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evaluation

67

PARTICIPANT CLASS EVALUATION FORM ESSENTIALS

Instructor Name/s:___________________________________ City/State: _________________Date:_______

Please circle the number that best represents your overall satisfaction with your experience in PAIRS ESSENTIALS:

12345

Poor Average Good Very Good Excellent

Please circle the number that best represents your overall satisfaction with the Instructor(s) of PAIRS ESSENTIALS:

12345

Poor Average Good Very Good Excellent

What did you most like about your experience in PAIRS ESSENTIALS?

How do you think the information and skills will be useful in your life?

Was there anything you did not like about PAIRS ESSENTIALS?

How would you describe the instructor/s, including style of presentation, knowledge of content and anything else important to you?

Please let us know the value to you of each of the following exercises (listed below). Circle choice for each. Highest rating is 4.

Scale: 4 = Extremely Valuable 3 = Valuable 2 = Somewhat Valuable 1 = Not Valuable

Content Score Content Score Content Score

Levels of Learning 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Caring Behaviors Worksheet 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Fair Fight Checklist (Scorecard) 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Stages of Relationship 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Emotional Stages of Development 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Relationship Agreement 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Three Hopes/Three Fears 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 The Emotional Jug 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Love Knots/Untangling Love Knots 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Relationship Road Map 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Dirty Fighting Worksheet 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Powergram - Who Decides 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Communication Stress Styles 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Emptying the Emotional Jug 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Decision-Making Worksheet 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Leveling/Congruent Style 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Fair Fight For Change (FFFC) 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Emotional Allergy Infinity Loop 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Daily Temperature Reading 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Time out Tip 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Emotional Allergy Worksheet 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Good Talking & Listening 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Fight Style Evaluation 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Confiding Emotional Allergy 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

PAIRS Talking Tips 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Fight Results Profile 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Transforming the Loop 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Love Bank Account 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Guide for Coaches 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Love Notes (electronic) 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Would you recommend PAIRS? Yes No Would you like to participate in other PAIRS experiences? Yes No

Name: ___________________________________________Daytime Telephone:_____________________________ 

E-mail: ___________________________________________@ __________________________________________

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