Pre-Family Separation

The pre-family separation period is stressful for parents 

and children. Confronted with an extended absence of 

a parent, family members sense a loss of continuity and 

security. Children may not fully understand why one 

of their parents must leave. Very often young children 

may become confused and fearful that Mommy or 

Daddy will desert them.

Change is puzzling to children. They want everything 

to remain the same. Children are not very good at 

expressing fears and feelings in words. Anger and a 

desire for revenge, as well as guilt for feeling that way, 

are often demonstrated in the child’s behavior. When 

changes occur, children usually have no other way to 

release anxieties, and nowhere to go for help. At a 

time when the spouse readies to deploy, the remaining 

spouse may feel overwhelmed, as he or she prepares to 

solely support the children and home.

What can be done about 

relieving the stress of the 

pre-family separation period? 

Consider the following ideas, which have been helpful 

to others in similar situations.

Talk to Your Children About the 

Deployment Before It Happens

Communicate your thoughts and feelings about the 

separation. Be open and honest. Some parents worry 

that advance warning will only give the child more 

time to fret. However, children can sense when

something is about to happen and worry more when

they are left uninformed. Knowing about the deployment

in advance helps family members adjust to the idea.

Building an Emotional Bond

The departing parent needs to spend quality time with 

each child before he or she leaves. Do not be afraid 

to hug your child. A display of affection is a powerful 

communication.

Use this time to share pride in your work and the 

purpose for your deployment. Many school-age 

children understand that some events must happen 

for the good of everyone. It is a little easier to let go if 

mom or dad’s job is seen as essential to the country.

Often when asked if something is bothering them, a 

child will say “no.” But there are ways to get through. 

Make a casual reference to your own worries or 

ambivalent feelings about the impending assignment 

or deployment. 

Family Separation and Readiness—Children’s Issues

When a Parent is Deployed

Parents can help children understand 

and accept the separation.

·

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

www.samhsa.gov

Leaving Home for Disaster Relief Work
This helps a child realize that his or her parent is a real 

person who can cry as well as laugh, and it models an 

appropriate way to release feelings—talk about them.

Visit Your Child’s Teacher

Children frequently react to the deployment of a 

parent by misbehaving in class or performing poorly in 

their studies. A teacher who is aware of the situation is 

in a better position to be sensitive and encouraging.

Plan for Communicating

Expect children to stay in touch with the departed spouse. 

Encourage children to brainstorm the many ways 

communication can occur in addition to letter writing.

Help Children to Plan for the Departure

When the spouse is packing his or her bags, allow the

children to assist in some way. Suggest a “swap” of some 

token, something of the child’s that can be packed in a 

duffel bag in return for something that belongs to the 

departing parent. Discuss the household chores and 

let the children choose (as much as possible) the ones 

they would rather do. Mother and father need to agree 

with each other that the division of household chores 

is reasonable. The role of disciplinarian needs to be 

supported by the departing parent.

Being a Long-Distance Parent

Parenting while away from home is not easy. The 

most important aspect of parenting from a distance 

is making those small efforts to stay in touch. Doing 

something to say the parent is thinking about and 

missing the child is what is most important. The 

following are some practical suggestions to help keep 

the absentee parent involved with his or her children:

 Letters and cards from mom or dad are important. 

The length and contents are not nearly as 

important as the presence of something in the mail 

from the absent parent. When sending picture 

postcards, make little notes about the place or write 

•

that you stood right “here”—“x” in the picture. 

Any small thing that makes the card personal will 

have tremendous meaning to children at home.

 When using a tape recorder, remember to be 

creative: sing “Happy Birthday,” tell a story, read 

inspirational material, or take it with you on your 

job or when visiting with other members of your 

working group. Do not try to fi ll a tape completely 

in one sitting. Make sure you describe details such 

as your surroundings, the time of day, and what 

you are doing. 

 Try not to forget birthdays and special holidays 

that might be important to a child, particularly 

Thanksgiving, religious holidays, Halloween, or 

Valentine’s Day. 

 Try to schedule phone calls when children are likely 

to be at home. Keep a mental list of things you 

want to talk about with each child, such as his or 

her friends, school, and sports. Ask each child to 

send you something from the activities they are 

involved in at school, home, or outside activities, 

such as dance lessons, youth groups, or scouts. If 

your child has a pet, make sure to ask about it. 

TURN ON YOUR SENSORS AND TUNE IN 

TO YOUR CHILD’S WORRIES ABOUT THE 

DEPLOYMENT. Just because a child does not 

tell you about their concerns does not mean that 

they are not troubled. Children do not usually 

recognize the cause, nor will they tell you they are 

concerned. The spouse that is departing should 

communicate with each child individually. There 

is no substitute for a letter with your own name on 

the envelope. Again, send postcards, snapshots, 

and tape recordings of the sounds around you 

where you are deployed. Let them know you are 

thinking of and loving them. 

This material is adapted from the “Predeployment Guide: 

A Tool for Coping” on the Air Force Crossroads Web site at 

http://www.afcrossroads.com/famseparation.

•

•

•

•

NMH06-0232