A FactSheet 

for Families

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Administration for Children and Families

Administration on Children, Youth and Families

Children’s Bureau

Child Welfare Information Gateway

Children’s Bureau/ACYF

1250 Maryland Avenue, SW

Eighth Floor

Washington, DC 20024

703.385.7565 or 800.394.3366

Email: info@childwelfare.gov

www.childwelfare.gov

1990

Now that you have adopted a child and life is 

beginning to settle down, you may find your 

thoughts moving to the future. When shall I tell 

my child that s/he is adopted? How will s/he feel 

about it? At what point will s/he want more information? What will s/he want to know from me? 

How can I help my child feel comfortable about 

being adopted?

Adoption and the Stages 

of Development

What’s Inside:

The first year

The second year

Ages 2 to 6

Elementary school years

Adolescence

When you need help

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Whether children are adopted as infants 

or when they are older, whether they are 

healthy or have physical or psychological 

problems, their adoption is bound to influence their development. You need to understand how and why.

Learning about the developmental stages of 

children and what can be expected in each 

stage is important to all new parents. When 

your child has been adopted, there are 

additional considerations. In these pages, we 

will be looking at specific issues—separation, 

loss, anger, grief, and identity—and show 

how they are expressed as your adopted 

child grows up. Some of these issues will be 

obvious in all stages of development; others 

surface at specific times. The more thoroughly you can understand how your child 

behaves and why, the more likely it is that 

you can be supportive and help your child 

to grow up with healthy self-esteem and the 

knowledge that s/he is loved.

While the stages described below correspond 

generally to a child’s chronological age, your 

child’s development may vary significantly. 

Some children progress more quickly from 

one stage to another; others may continue 

certain behaviors long past the time you 

would have expected. Still others may 

be substantially delayed in entering and 

moving through new stages. Many characteristics of adolescence, for instance, may 

not even appear until your child’s twenties 

and may persist until your child’s identity 

has formed.

The First Year

The primary task of a baby is to develop a 

sense of trust in the world and come to view 

it as a place that is predictable and reliable. 

Infants accomplish this through attachment to their caretakers. During their early 

months, children have an inborn capacity 

to “bond” to ensure their survival. They 

express it through sucking, feeding, smiling, 

and cooing, behaviors which, ideally, stimulate loving responses from their parents (or 

caretakers). These pleasant interactions and 

the parent’s or parents’ consistent attention 

form the parent-child bond and the foundation for a child’s sense of trust.

During this period, a consistently nurturing 

and tension-free environment makes a child 

feel secure. The most valuable thing you can 

do is to show, through attention and affection, that you love your child and that your 

child can depend on you. If you generally 

respond to your child’s cries, s/he will learn 

trust. If you hug and smile at your child, 

s/he will learn to feel content.

Although the need to attach continues for 

a long time, the process of separation also 

begins in the first year of a child’s life. A 

milestone is reached when children learn 

to separate from their parents by crawling 

and then by walking. At the same time, 

babies often become fearful of separation. 

Psychological separation begins too: babies 

start, non-verbally, to express their own 

wishes and opinions. Many experts in 

child development view early childhood 

as a series of alternating attachment and 

separation phases that establish the child 

as an independent person who can relate 

happily to family members and friends, and 

be capable of having intimate relationships 

with others.
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The Second Year

Toddlers continue the attachment and 

separation cycle in more sophisticated ways 

in the second year. They learn to tell you 

how they feel by reaching their arms out 

to you and protesting vigorously when you 

must leave them. Anxiety about separating 

from you heightens, and they may begin 

to express anger. During this stage, when 

you must guide and protect your child, you 

become a “no” sayer. It is not surprising that 

your child becomes frustrated and shows it 

in new ways. Helpless crying usually comes 

first. Later your child may exhibit aggressive 

behavior such as throwing things, hitting, 

pushing, biting, and pinching. Much of this 

behavior is directed toward you but some is 

directed at the child’s peers. Such behavior 

often puzzles and frightens parents. You 

may wonder if your child is normal. Adoptive parents often worry that an unknown 

genetic trait is surfacing or that the “orneriness” has something to do with the adoption. Sometimes they think ahead to the 

teenage years and wonder if these are early 

warnings of trouble ahead.

It helps to know that this kind of behavior 

is typical of toddlers, who have conflicting 

wishes about their push toward autonomy 

and their anxiety about separating from 

you. Almost all children go through a 

“me do it myself” phase, accompanied by 

temper tantrums and toilet training battles. 

Handling tantrums, setting limits, and 

encouraging language development and the 

expression of feelings consume most of your 

time and patience.

In the first 2 years, the stages of attachment, the beginnings of separation, and 

the expression of anger and aggressiveness 

probably are the same whether your child 

is adopted or not. Even in homes where the 

word “adoption” has been used frequently 

and the child can pronounce it or even say, 

“I’m Susie, I was adopted from Chicago,” 

the words have little meaning. What is 

especially important is that your adopted 

child has the opportunity to pass through 

the attachment and early separation stages 

in the same way as a child born to you.

When older babies or children are adopted, 

their capacity to form relationships may 

have been disturbed. A series of caretakers 

and broken attachments through the first 

months of a child’s life can complicate 

adjustment and compromise the ability to 

develop trust. You may need to work much 

harder to let your child know that you care 

and that you will always be there. Even if 

your baby received nurturing care before 

joining your family, s/he can still benefit 

from your understanding the significance 

of attachment and the importance of 

loving interaction.

If you adopt cross-culturally, it will be 

helpful for you to learn about attachment behavior in that culture. Consider 

for instance a family who had adopted a 

7-month-old Asian baby. When the baby 

cried, she could not be comforted by 

holding; she would only quiet down if she 

were laid on the floor near her mother and 

spoken to softly. Once she became calmer, 

she would crawl into her mother’s lap for 

a hug.

There is another example of a baby adopted 

from Peru who needed to sleep with an 
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adult for the first few months following 

adoption. His new crib went unused until he 

was 15 months old, when his parents were 

able to help him adjust to sleeping alone. 

Children who are adopted when they are 

older usually follow the same attachment 

and separation paths as other children, but 

possibly in a different time sequence. This 

gives you the opportunity to make up for 

what might have been lost or damaged in 

earlier relationships.

The first 2 years are crucial to personality 

development and dramatically influence a 

child’s future. As you grow into your roles 

as parents, your children also will grow 

into their place in your family.The next 

sections provide more information on 

these techniques.

Ages 2 to 6

If you thought a lot was happening in your 

child’s development in the first 2 years, you 

will find that the preschool years are filled 

with activity and nonstop questions. Once 

children learn to speak, they need only a 

partner, and the world becomes theirs for 

the asking and telling. This is when parents 

begin to feel pressure to explain adoption 

to their children. It is also when children’s 

ears are wide open to adult conversation 

and they take in so much more than adults 

once thought they could. Parents are busy 

answering as best they can questions such as 

why the sky is blue, why leaves fall off the 

trees, why people are different colors, how 

birds fly, and why a baby brother cannot 

join the family right now. The more comfortable parents are in trying to answer questions honestly, the more encouraged their 

children will be to learn. A lack of interest 

in learning often results from having questions met with too many “I don’t knows” or 

the obvious indifference of parents to their 

children’s curiosity.

Sometimes parents feel so embarrassed 

about not knowing all the answers to their 

child’s questions or are so afraid of giving 

the “wrong” answer that they ignore a question or change the subject. In doing so, they 

often miss a chance to discuss critical feelings with their children. For instance, a little 

girl visiting a museum with her father asked 

him why a woman in a painting was crying. 

She wanted him to pick her up so she could 

see the painting better, but he felt uncomfortable, took her hand, and moved on. This 

would have been a good opportunity to 

discuss why people are sad sometimes and 

why the little girl thought the woman in the 

painting was sad.

Children between 2 and 5 years of age have 

fears, especially about being abandoned, 

getting lost, or no longer being loved by 

their parents. They also engage in “magical” 

thinking and do not distinguish reliably 

between reality and fantasy. They may 

be afraid of giants, monsters, witches, or 

wild animals.

Children in this age group become increasingly familiar with separations from loved 

ones, often because they are attending 

daycare or preschool programs. They also 

make new friends outside their family, 

and their interests broaden. At the same 

time, they notice that their parents do not 

know everything and cannot control everything that happens to them. This can be 

frightening because it threatens their sense 

of security.
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As you observe your children and others, 

you will notice that both boys and girls 

imitate their parents’ nurturing and caretaking activities. They carry, feed, change, 

and put to bed their dolls and stuffed 

animals. They kiss them and sometimes 

throw them or hit them. 

They are mimicking attachment and separation behaviors. If a baby enters the family, 

many 2-, 3-, and 4-year-olds insist that 

it is their baby, that they “borned” it or 

“adopted” it. Sometimes a girl will tell you 

that it is her baby and that Daddy is the 

father. A little boy might say that he is going 

to “marry Mommy when Daddy grows up 

and dies.” If you listen, you will see that 

your child is trying to make sense of the 

relationships in the family and to find a way 

to express the strong emotions of love, hate, 

and jealousy.

It is puzzling for children to understand why 

mom and dad get to sleep together while 

they have to sleep with two trucks and a 

bunny. You are witnessing what is known as 

the Electra complex in girls and the Oedipal 

complex in boys. Little girls may feel jealous 

of their mothers’ grownup relationship 

with their fathers. They experience a mix of 

feelings which includes wanting to marry 

Daddy but feeling competitive and fearful 

that they will not “measure up.” Little 

boys may want to be mommy’s partner in 

everything and show off their developing 

“manliness.” They do not understand why 

Daddy should be included but worry that 

Daddy will be upset with them for the way 

they feel. All of this behavior is normal for 

children this age.

There is also an aggressive, competitive side 

to this stage. You may notice behavior that 

is challenging, stubborn, and argumentative, usually directed toward the same-sex 

parent. Girls argue with their mothers 

about what to wear, what toys to leave at 

home, and who is the boss of the baby. 

Boys want to talk about what they will do 

when they grow up, and even in the most 

peaceful of families, they will turn all sorts 

of items into weapons which they yearn 

to use on the draperies, the baby, and, in 

frequent moments of frustration and anger, 

on Daddy.

These behaviors are part of children’s 

working out their awareness of their smallness and insignificance compared to their 

parents and their urges toward autonomy 

and independence. They want to be big but 

also want the benefits of infancy. If they 

cannot be Mommy or Daddy’s partner, they 

want to be their “lap babies.”

Gradually, the intensity of these feelings 

abates. Children’s love for their parents 

allows them to reconcile the Oedipal or 

Electra complex by eventually exchanging 

the wish to marry the parent of the opposite 

sex for the more realistic desire to grow up 

to be like the parent of the same sex.

Some version of this scenario occurs in 

most children, even those raised by a single 

parent. Sometimes the behavior is expressed 

directly; other times it is subtle, recognizable only through recalling dreams or in 

pretend play.

Children who have been traumatized or 

abused may not show the kind of behavior 

described here. They may be seductive or 

fearful, uncertain about the appropriateness 

of being affectionate, or show symptoms 

associated with sexual abuse. These children 

need special help from their parents and 
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possibly from a skilled therapist before they 

can feel safe enough to express loving or 

sexual feelings in their new families. The 

Child Welfare Information Gateway (Information Gateway) factsheet entitled “Parenting the Sexually Abused Child” is helpful in 

such cases.

During the preschool years, you may want 

to respond to your child with humor and 

tactfully explain that when your child grows 

up, s/he will find someone just like Mommy 

or Daddy. Adopted children inevitably 

wonder to which Mommy and Daddy you 

are referring. Some researchers believe that 

this is not the appropriate time to emphasize a child’s birth family (Wieder, Schecter). 

It is difficult enough for children to find 

their place in the family (as the youngest 

child, the oldest, etc.) and to come to terms 

with their gender without having to ponder 

the meaning of birth parents. It probably 

is not even possible for a child this age to 

understand this concept yet.

The Facts of Life: Where Do I Come 

From? How Did I Get Here?

Most 3- to 6-year-olds do not yet understand the meaning of “being born.” If they 

watch “Sesame Street” or “Mr. Rogers” on 

television, they may have learned something about how animals are born, and 

more recently, about how babies are born. 

They may then start to ask questions about 

this fascinating subject. Although parents 

traditionally are nervous about discussing 

the facts of life with young children, the 

children usually are curious, unembarrassed, 

and eager for information. This is a perfect 

opportunity to introduce the subject of 

where babies come from, how they get here, 

and how families are formed. This information is a valuable stepping stone in helping 

your child understand the concept of adoption. It is a time, too, that may awaken 

painful memories about your own infertility 

if that was the reason you chose adoption. 

Discussing birth and the creation of families 

with your child can be an enriching—and 

freeing—experience for the whole family.

At this time, adoptive parents must determine what and when they will tell their 

children about their adoption. Many adoption workers advise parents to introduce the 

word “adoption” as early as possible so that 

it becomes a comfortable part of a child’s 

vocabulary and to tell a child, between 

the ages of 2 and 4 that s/he is adopted. 

However, some child welfare experts believe 

that when children are placed for adoption 

before the age of 2 and are of the same race 

as the parents, there probably is little to be 

gained by telling them about their adoption 

until they are at least 4 or 5 years old. Before 

that time, they will hear the words but will 

not understand the concept.

Dr. Steven Nickman, author of the article 

“Losses in Adoption: The Need for Dialogue,” suggests that the ideal time for 

telling children about their adoption 

appears to be between the ages of 6 and 8. 

By the time children are 6 years old, they 

usually feel established enough in their 

family not to feel threatened by learning 

about adoption. Dr. Nickman believes that 

preschool children still have fears about 

the loss of their parents and their love and 

that telling them at that time is too risky. 

In addition, there is some question about 

whether a child under 6 years of age can 

understand the meaning of adoption and be 

able cognitively to work through the losses 
Adoption and the Stages of Development

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implied by learning that s/he was born into 

a different family.

Although it is obvious to adults, young 

children often believe that they are either 

adopted or born. It is important, when 

telling them about their adoption, to help 

them understand that they were born first—

and that all children, adopted or not—are 

conceived and born in the same way. The 

birth came first, then the adoption.

Waiting until adolescence to reveal a 

child’s adoption to him or her is not recommended. “Disclosure at that time can 

be devastating to children’s self-esteem,” 

says Dr. Nickman, “and to their faith in 

their parents.”

Children Who Are Adopted 

When They Are Older or Who 

Are of a Different Race

Children who have been adopted when 

they are older than 2 or when they are of a 

different race from their adoptive parents 

need to be told about their adoption earlier. 

With older children, who bring with them 

memories of a past, failure to acknowledge 

those memories and to have a chance to talk 

about them can reinforce the attachment 

problems inherent in shifts in caretakers 

early in life. In these cases, parents should 

“work to safeguard the continuity of the 

child’s experience by reminding him or her 

of his earlier living situation from time to 

time, still bearing in mind that too frequent 

reminders might arouse fears of losing his 

present home,” Dr. Nickman suggests.

If your adopted child is of a different race 

or has very different physical features from 

your family, you must be cognizant of signs 

that s/he is aware of the difference. Your 

child may have noticed it, or someone 

else may have commented on it. You will 

want to explain to your child that the 

birth process is the same for everyone but 

acknowledge that people in different cultures have distinguishing physical features 

and their own rich heritage. Sometimes 

children who look different from the rest 

of their family need to be assured that their 

parents love them and intend to keep them.

For children with developmental disabilities, 

explanations about birth may be simplified 

or adjusted to match their ability to comprehend. When children have expressed no 

interest in the subject, it may be that they 

are not yet able to benefit from a discussion 

about it.

In any case, it takes years of periodic 

returns to the subject of adoption before 

your children will fully grasp its meaning. 

Meanwhile, it is most important that you 

provide an environment that nourishes and 

encourages learning and the understanding 

of all important family issues, such as love 

and aggression, hate and jealousy, sex and 

marriage, illness and death. At least two 

studies (Kirk, Hoopes and Stein) suggest that 

adopted adolescents were better adjusted if 

they came from families where all emotional 

issues including adoption were discussed 

among family members beginning in early 

childhood.

Children who learn early that it is all right 

to ask questions and be curious usually carry 

this behavior over to school and develop a 

sense of mastery over their lives. That is why 

both attachment and separation behaviors 

should be encouraged and endured patiently 

by parents. Both are necessary for children 
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to create their identity and to develop and 

sustain intimate relationships.

Emotional Impact of Adoption

Preschoolers’ reactions to adoption are 

almost entirely affected by the way their 

parents feel about the adoption and the way 

they handle it with their children. Children 

of preschool age will be as excited about the 

story of their adoptions as other children 

are by the story of their births. To help make 

your children feel connected and an important part of the family, share with them the 

excitement that you felt when you received 

the telephone call about them, the frantic 

trip to pick them up, and how thrilled 

everyone in the family was to meet them. As 

time goes on and bonds of trust build, your 

children will be able to make sense of their 

unique adoption stories.

Elementary School Years

Adoption studies of children in this stage 

of life are contradictory. While some say 

that adopted children experience no more 

psychological problems than nonadopted 

children (Hoopes and Stein), others find 

that teachers and parents report more 

personality and behavior problems and find 

adopted children to be more dependent, 

tense, fearful, and hostile (Lindholm and 

Touliatos, Brodzinsky).

In general, children who have been adopted 

are well within the normal range academically and emotionally; however, emotional 

and academic problems may be greater if 

children were adopted after 9 months of age 

or if they had multiple placements before 

being adopted. Since these children are at 

greater risk of having attachment problems, 

their families should consider early intervention and treatment services similar to 

those available for other adopted children 

with special needs.

Middle childhood has often been described 

as a blissful period when children play and 

visit grandparents, get involved in interesting activities, and have few responsibilities 

or worries. Nonetheless, as adults we know 

from our own experiences, that there is a 

different side to this period between the ages 

of 6 and 11. The more worrisome serious 

period is usually experienced in children’s 

inner lives, as indicated by their dreams and 

fantasies. There their feelings are played out 

about themselves and their families, their 

wish to belong outside of the family circle, 

to have attributes that make others admire 

them and seek them out, and their contrasting fears that they are dumb, ugly, mean, 

and useless.

At the same time, their horizons are 

expanding and they are ready to learn 

from school, friends, and other adventures 

outside of their homes. Competitive games 

and team projects attract them and make 

them nervous; they search everything and 

everyone for signs that they are loved and 

acceptable, while worrying that bad things 

might happen to pay them back for their 

seemingly evil deeds and thoughts.

The chief task of elementary school-aged 

children is to master all of the facts, ideas, 

and skills that will equip them to progress 

toward adolescence and independent life. 

During this time, children are supposed to 

consolidate their identification with parents 

and cement their sense of belonging to their 

family.
Adoption and the Stages of Development

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It is no wonder that in such a state, even 

without contemporary pressures resulting 

from divorce or other family disruptions, 

that emotional and behavioral problems 

frequently beset elementary school-aged 

children. Common problems include 

hyperactivity, poor school performance, low 

self-esteem, aggression, defiance, stubbornness, troubled relationships with brothers 

and sisters, friends, and parents, lack of 

confidence, fearfulness, sadness, depression, 

and loneliness. Adoptive parents wonder 

whether and how much these problems 

are caused or influenced by adoption or a 

history of faulty attachment.

Smith and Miroff state in their book, You’re 

Our Child: The Adoption Experience, “It is 

extremely important, and also reassuring, 

to realize that the most common source of 

problems are developmental changes which 

follow a child from infancy to adulthood, 

not the fact that the child was or was not 

adopted.”

Why Was I Given Away? Loss 

and Grief in Adoption

Loss is a feeling that runs through the lives 

of children who have been adopted. It 

shows itself in different ways at different 

stages of their lives. But knowing that their 

birth parents made an adoption plan for 

them, and then not hearing a lot of information about the birth parents, often makes 

adopted children feel devalued and affects 

their self-esteem. Sometimes they feel as 

though their status in society is ambiguous.

The full emotional impact of that loss 

comes to children, usually between the 

ages of 7 and 12, when they are capable of 

understanding more about the concept of 

being adopted. It happens because they live 

more in the world outside of their families 

and are more tuned in to the world inside 

their heads. While this is a giant step toward 

self-reliance, it leaves parents in a quandary about when and how much adoption 

information to share, and uncertain about 

whether their child is wanting or dreading 

to hear it. It is especially difficult at this time 

to decide what to do or say to children who 

do not inquire about their birth parents.

Although it may feel awkward, it sometimes 

helps to think back to your child’s life and 

death questions during the preschool years 

and introduce the subject yourself. You 

might preface your conversation with what 

you would say to an adult. For example, 

“I just want you to know that if you want 

to talk about your adoption, I’d be glad 

to” or “You haven’t asked much about it 

lately, and I thought, now that you’re older, 

you might be thinking about it in a more 

grownup way.” Such an introduction gets 

across to children that you are interested 

in talking about the subject and that you 

are aware of their getting older and more 

sophisticated in their thinking. In any case, 

your willingness to “connect” with your 

children about their adoptions and not to 

deny the difference between being adopted 

and being born into a family can help them 

grieve this important loss.

You can help your children work through 

their loss if you can be nondefensive about 

their adoption as well as sensitive to how 

much they want or need to talk about it at 

a given time. Do not, however, place undue 

emphasis on the adoption, as this is likely to 

make children feel painfully self-conscious 

about it. But if facts and feelings about 

adoption are not discussed at all, children’s 
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fantasies about their backgrounds may be 

acted out unconsciously, thus carrying out 

their unconscious self-identification as an 

unworthy person.

Once they have understood the biological 

facts of life, and something about the social 

and cultural aspects of family life in their 

community, children of elementary school 

age begin to imagine things about their 

birth parents. One 7-year-old asked if her 

birth mother looked like their 15-year-old 

neighbor. An 8-year-old boy asked if his 

birth father could have been a friend of the 

family. A 9-year-old reported to her mother 

that she was looking in the shopping malls 

for a woman who had a nose like hers.

Although preschoolers want to hear how 

they were adopted and entered their homes, 

older children discover the reality that their 

birth mother relinquished them for adoption and ask why. Just as preschoolers try to 

make sense of reproduction by developing 

their own theories and mixing them with 

what their parents told them, older children 

try to reconcile their own theories with the 

available facts. What they learn produces a 

gamut of emotions ranging from incredulity 

to sadness, disappointment, anger, and guilt. 

Children may not express these feelings, but 

they have to be acknowledged, lived with, 

and digested before they develop a new 

understanding of adoption and themselves.

Some researchers think that children must 

grieve for the loss of the birth parents much 

in the same way that infertile couples grieve 

for the loss of a biological baby. Some children feel that they were given up because 

there was something wrong with them or 

because they were bad. Some become fearful 

that they will hurt their adoptive parents’ 

feelings or make them angry if they want 

to find out more about their birth parents. 

Where preschoolers would often be quite 

open about expressing these feelings, older 

children have a greater sense of privacy 

and are not sure that their parents can 

tolerate their questions or feelings. Older 

children may, therefore, keep much more 

to themselves.

A common situation in children of this 

age, which you may recall from your own 

elementary school days, is imagining that 

they had been adopted or kidnapped from 

another set of parents who were usually 

better in every way than their own. These 

parents might have been rich, or even 

royalty, and they did not make you take 

vitamins, eat spinach, go to bed at 9 p.m., 

or refuse to let you watch MTV. When life at 

home was unpleasant, we could daydream 

about this “better” family to soothe our 

angry or sad feelings.

These fantasies provide an outlet for times 

when children are infuriated or disappointed 

by their parents, and when they do not 

know how to cope with their anger toward 

them. Usually, as a child recognizes that love 

and hate, anger and affection, can be felt 

toward people without ruining the relationship completely (i.e., the preschooler’s—”I 

won’t be your best friend any more” changes 

to the 8-year-old’s, “I’m so mad at Jenny that 

I won’t sit near her at music today”), these 

thoughts of another family fade. Then your 

children can continue to identify with your 

characteristics, activities, and values.

The fantasy world of the adopted child is 

complicated by the existence of the birth 

parents, and is influenced by whatever 

information is available about them. Some-
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times the facts make it more difficult for 

children to idealize their birth parents or 

put pressure on them to “choose” to “be just 

like” or “totally unlike” one or the other set 

of parents.

Psychological Identification

If your child has had several homes before 

yours, there is often a brief honeymoon 

period where s/he will try to be perfect to 

ensure your love. But soon the sense of loss, 

hurt, and anger surfaces. Your child may, 

consciously or not, break your rules, steal, 

lie, or act out physically or sexually. The 

child’s message is “I’m going to leave here 

anyway, so I’d better make sure I don’t get 

too close” or “Families don’t last, and I’m 

angry about that.”

You will need to help your children build 

trust and gain confidence that you will not 

abandon them. Part of that job is helping 

your children to develop the psychological 

identification that distinguishes them as 

individuals.

What is this identification process that is 

so critical to success and confidence in later 

life? It takes us back to the initial attachment process, when it is important for 

babies to make an emotional connection 

that shape their personalities and make 

them someone who is a unique individual 

as well as a member of a particular family.

During the elementary school-age years, 

children’s identity comes from a combination of their genetic heritage, their experience with their families, and what happens 

to them as they try to find their place in the 

wider world. They want to be like their peers 

and their families.

The creation of a family tree, a common 

elementary school assignment which asks 

children to construct a portrait of their 

geographical, ethnic, historical, and birth 

connections, offers an opportunity and 

a challenge to the adoptive family. This 

assignment will bring to the surface knowledge and ignorance about your child’s 

background and legitimize discussion of 

family facts and secrets.

If there has been openness about adoption 

and a sensitivity to not insisting on discussing adoption when a child is not receptive, 

parents will be able to discover from their 

child what can and cannot be included in 

the family tree assignment. A 10-year-old, 

after moving to a new school, said she 

would like to be the one to decide whether 

to tell new classmates that she was adopted, 

because now she was the boss of that 

information. Is it farfetched to think that a 

10-year-old is old enough to be “boss” of her 

adoptive information? At this age, the child’s 

self-esteem will flourish if she can feel her 

parents trust her as she learns and masters 

new facts about herself and the world.

Sometimes during the elementary school 

years, before or after the family tree experience, children learn about heredity, genes, 

and “blood relationships.” At this time, 

the adopted child realizes at the highest 

cognitive and emotional level so far, the 

differences between biological and adoptive 

relationships. Reactions to this information 

are probably as varied as the children and 

include feelings of relief, a sense of enlightenment, heightened interest in learning 

more about birth parents, denial of any 

interest, or feelings of loss and grief.
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Remember that all adopted children have 

feelings about their adoption, and that 

many times in their development they will 

struggle with why their birth parents made 

an adoption plan for them. You can help 

your children by letting them know that 

they are not alone in these feelings and that 

it is all right with you if they express them 

and try to get explanations for what puzzles 

or troubles them. The more open family 

discussions have been from the beginning 

of verbal communication, the more likely 

it is that communication will continue 

no matter how intense or complex the 

subject becomes.

You may also want to remind yourself 

and your child that learning about adoption, like learning about life, is an ongoing 

adventure that you want to share with your 

child as much as you can, but that you 

understand that some of this learning has 

to be pursued alone as well. At this point, 

your child is old enough to choose the pace 

at which s/he wants to consider these new 

ideas. However, you as parents, are still in a 

position to guide, instruct, and set limits. A 

9-year-old who wants, suddenly, to look for 

her birth mother the day after a fight over 

bedtime can be told that Mom feels she has 

to do some maturing before she is ready for 

that step.

Since these are the years when youngsters 

appear to seriously confront the “sad side” 

of relinquishment and adoption, opportunities to meet with and talk to other adoptees 

their age, as well as with adolescent and 

adult adoptees, are beneficial. It helps children see a bit into their own futures.

Foreign adoptees can benefit from crosscultural experiences appropriate to elementary school-aged children. Some children 

are thrilled to attend an adoption family 

camp or summer program. Others prefer to 

process their feelings within their adoptive 

families or even alone. The more sensitive 

to your child’s feelings you can be, and the 

more experience you and your child have in 

discussing feelings together, the more consoling and comforting you can be to each 

other. You will then survive and eventually 

triumph over this period of self-discovery 

and grieving.

Adolescence

No sooner do your children begin to 

understand the wonders of biology than 

their own bodies begin the surge of growth 

toward puberty and the awesome stage 

of adolescence. Adolescence, for all its 

newness—it was not considered a distinct 

stage of life until after the first World 

War—has quickly acquired a reputation as a 

difficult and trying period for children and 

parents. Physical growth changes the person 

from a child to an adult, in preparation 

for procreation, but mental and emotional 

development may take years to catch up 

with the body. Adolescents’ behavior is in 

transition and not fixed; their feelings about 

the world and their place in it are tentative 

and changeable, like a chameleon’s.

The adolescent’s primary task is to establish 

a secure sense of identity; the process is 

arduous, time-consuming, and intense. 

Establishing a stable identity includes being 

able to live and work on one’s own, to 

maintain a comfortable position in one’s 

family, and to become a contributing citizen 

in one’s community.
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It is the nature of all adolescents, adopted or 

not, to question everything and everyone. It 

is also in their parents’ nature to worry about 

their children’s futures and their own survival in this period. Almost everyone agrees 

that, although often extremely difficult, open 

communication can smooth the process.

Adolescence is a time of trying on and 

choosing in all aspects of life. Two major 

aspects of adult identity formation will be 

choice of work and choice of a partner to 

love. Teenagers look for and imitate role 

models. They critically examine their family 

members (as they did in elementary school), 

peers, teachers, and all the other heroes 

and anti-heroes the culture offers from rock 

musicians and movie stars, to ball players 

and politicians, to grandparents and peers’ 

older brothers and sisters. They idolize and 

devalue people, ideas, and religious concepts. They often bond tightly with peers 

in small groups that are intolerant of all 

outsiders. They vacillate between criticism 

of others and harsh self-criticism. They are 

sometimes supremely self-confident and 

often in the depths of despair about their 

abilities and future success.

If normal adolescence involves a crisis in 

identity, it stands to reason that adopted 

teenagers will face additional complications 

because of what some have called “genealogical bewilderment” (Sants). The fact that 

the adoptee has two sets of parents raises 

more complicated questions about ancestral 

history now that intellectual development 

has assumed adult proportions. The search 

for possible identification figures may cause 

the adolescent to fantasize more about birth 

parents, become interested in specific facts 

about birth relatives, or wish to search for or 

meet them.

Although all adopted adolescents have to 

struggle to integrate their fantasies and 

future goals with their actual potential and 

realities, foreign, biracial, and other crosscultural adoptees (as well as teenagers with 

physical or emotional disabilities) have 

additional challenges. They may suffer more 

from what Erik Erikson calls “identity diffusion,” i.e., feelings of aimlessness, fragmentation, or alienation. They may appear 

outwardly more angry at adoptive parents, 

and more critical of what their parents did 

or did not do to help them adjust to their 

adoptive status. They may withdraw more 

into themselves, or conversely feel they 

need to “set off to see the world” in hopes of 

finding their true identity.

Adolescents often express their reactions 

to loss by rebelling against parental standards. Knowing that they have a different 

origin contributes to their need to define 

themselves autonomously. According to 

Dr. Nickman, “An adopted son or daughter 

cannot be expected to be a conformist. If he 

is, he may be inhibiting an important part 

of himself for the sake of basic security or 

out of a sense of guilt or responsibility to 

his adopters.”

It probably helps a child to be told by adoptive parents that they understand their son 

or daughter’s need to take control of his or 

her own life, and that they stand ready to 

assist in any way that they can, including 

giving their blessing to a child who needs 

“to go it alone” for a while. Of course, a 

youngster under 17 years of age might be 

asked to wait until s/he could realistically 

manage in whatever environment would 

be encountered.
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Searching for Birth Parents

Current adoption practice has mixed 

opinions about whether, when, how, and 

with whose help, adoptees should look for 

more information about or try to initiate a 

reunion with birth parents. Information on 

this process is available through Information 

Gateway. Adoptive parents tend to think 

about their children’s wish to search when 

they first adopt, and again when confronted 

with their angry toddlers. The topic resurfaces in adolescence, either raised directly 

by the child, or when rebellious, defiant 

behavior such as threats to run away, makes 

parents wonder if their child is wanting or 

needing to contact a birth parent. It takes 

a parent with sturdy self-esteem and more 

confidence than most of us have to withstand the stony silences and stormy confrontations with teenagers in turmoil.

Parents are often tempted to escape perhaps 

by abandoning their teenagers who are 

having toddler-like tantrums, but you 

and your family will benefit more if you 

remain calm, stand up for the values you 

have taught, and continue communication 

efforts. For some adolescents, searching can 

be useful, while for many, the urgent activities and decisions of daily life are so pressing 

that they feel uninterested in or unable to 

confront such a heavy emotional undertaking. Waiting till they have reached adulthood when their lives will be more settled 

may be better for the latter group.

Anger, Sex, and Aggression—Again!

Adopted adolescents have the same trouble 

searching for a comfortable identity as do 

nonadoptees. Problems involving aggression, sexual activities and pregnancy, delinquency and substance abuse, social isolation 

and depression are the most common 

ones faced by teenagers and their families. 

Although there appear to be more adoptees 

percentage-wise in adolescent psychiatric 

treatment programs than nonadoptees, the 

majority of these patients tend to be the 

multiply placed children whose problems 

stem from a variety of sources, often the 

least of which is their adoption.

Although sexual identity is an issue for all 

adolescents, adopted girls have the additional burden of conflicting views of motherhood and sexuality. On one hand there 

is their perhaps infertile adoptive mother 

and, on the other, the fertility of their birth 

mother who did get pregnant and chose not 

to keep her baby, or possibly had her child 

taken away from her.

No matter how open communication has 

been, it is often next to impossible for adolescents to discuss their feelings about sex 

with their parents. Additionally, the adopted 

girl, unless she has close friends who are 

adopted as well, would have difficulty 

finding an ear understanding and sophisticated enough for this discussion. This may 

be a time to encourage meeting with other 

adopted teenagers, either through an organized group or informally, to provide your 

child with support for some of these sticky 

issues. Looking for solutions outside of the 

family is also appropriate for an adolescent 

for whom one major developmental task is 

to learn to separate and live independently.

As adolescents move toward greater 

autonomy, a parent’s most difficult task is to 

create a delicate balance of “to love and let 

go.” Although there are many times when 

you could encourage your toddler—”me do 
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it myself”—or elementary school-aged child 

to “try things alone” or learn a new skill, an 

adolescent needs to assert his/her independence by establishing differences from you, 

and real distance. The adolescent needs to 

take his or her independence or autonomy, 

rather than be given it.

This often means a period of estrangement, 

lessened communication, or outright strife. 

You may want to listen and talk to your 

friends who have weathered adolescence 

with their biological children to note the 

similarities, and as you have tried to do 

all along, to understand the differences, 

acknowledge them, and try to work on 

them with your child.

No matter how much you wanted to be 

parents, there are many times during the 

years of child rearing when you might 

ask, sometimes in humor, and sometimes 

in sadness, “Why did I ever sign up for 

this job?” Sometimes you can only reply 

feebly, “Well, it sure makes life interesting.” 

But finally, you must have faith that the 

bonding that occurred in the early years 

between you and your child, the trust that 

has built as s/he grew up, and the communication that you have established, 

will come full circle and provide rich and 

rewarding relationships for you and your 

adult children.

When You Need Help

In the last 15 years increasing interest and 

research in child development and parenting has given adoption more attention. 

Until recently, once a child was placed for 

adoption by an agency, little else was offered 

about general child development or rearing; 

and if the adoption was a private one, there 

were no professional helpers. Adoptive 

parents tried to educate themselves through 

Dr. Benjamin Spock’s 1945 edition of Baby 

and Child Care which offers helpful but brief 

guidance about adoption.

Now, in addition to Child Welfare Information Gateway, located in Washington, D.C., 

and the National Adoption Center (NAC) 

located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 

there are State and local organizations and 

programs sponsored by adoption agencies 

that provide parenting education and other 

“postadoption” services. Workshops, conferences, and seminars keep parents current 

with knowledge in the field. There are also 

support and self-help groups that offer 

educational and social activities.

The goals of these services are to support 

and maintain healthy family life, to prevent 

problems through education, and to make 

counseling and mental health services available as soon as problems appear. For a list of 

these agencies, please contact Child Welfare 

Information Gateway at 703.385.7565 or 

1.800.394.3366 or the National Adoption 

Center at 1.800.TO.ADOPT or 215.735.9988 

in Pennsylvania.

How Do You Know You Need Help?

Usually a parent notices that something is 

wrong, either in the family atmosphere or 

in a family member. If you have educated 

yourself about normal child behavior at 

different ages, chances are you will find 

yourself questioning behavior in your child 

that seems out of the ordinary. Sometimes, 

a teacher, relative, or friend asks if you have 

noticed a problem. Perhaps your child seems 

unduly sad or anxious, unable to concen-
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trate, is angry or flies off the handle for no 

obvious reason. You may see behavior that is 

unusual or not characteristic of your child; 

sometimes it is the increasing degree of a 

certain behavior that is troubling.

Perhaps there has been an upsetting event 

or change, such as a move or loss of job for 

you or your spouse. Children react to any 

parental problems that threaten their security. Elementary school-aged children tend 

to have problems around school; often that 

is the setting where problems are noticed. 

Adolescents tend to have identity concerns 

and authority struggles with their parents or 

other adults.

All of these possibilities can occur in any 

family. The adoptive family has the added 

concern of trying to decide whether or not 

it is an adoption issue that is troubling the 

child. If the child is over 6 years of age, it is 

usually impossible to distinguish adoption 

from other psychological, social, and educational issues. Treatment must evaluate the 

child and family and should consider his or 

her stage of development and the nature of 

the child’s relationship with you (and sometimes with his or her birth parents).

Finding Help

Before seeking professional counseling, 

use your parenting skills to discover if you 

can help your child yourself by listening, 

talking, or making changes in the environment. If you feel your child cannot communicate with you or that your relationship 

might be part of the problem, it is wise to 

seek outside assistance.

Because it is so difficult to disentangle 

adoptive issues from those of normal 

development, especially once the child has 

reached elementary school-age, the adoptive family can benefit from professional 

helpers who have experience working with 

adoptive families. There are many varieties 

of therapy, and advantages and disadvantages to each. Sometimes the whole family 

needs to be involved in therapy. Sometimes 

your adopted child needs to deal with 

problems alone.

Ask your agency social worker, a friend 

with adopted children, your pediatrician, 

a representative from an adoptive parent 

support group, your local mental health 

center, or your local family service agency 

for recommendations of appropriate helping 

professionals. You can also contact Information Gateway or NAC for referrals.

This article was written for the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse by Elaine 

Frank, M.S.W., and edited by Gloria Hochman 

in 1990. 
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www.childwelfare.gov

Bibliography

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University Press, 1990).

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Hoopes, J.L. and Stein, L.M., Identity Formation in the Adopted Adolescent, The Delaware Valley 

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18 This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare 

Information Gateway. Available online at www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_stages/index.cfm.

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