Relationships

Letting Go 

of the Past

Healthy 

S

tudies show that people who enjoy healthy relationships have more happiness and less stress. Research 

also reveals that the way in which people think, feel, and believe in their adult relationships is a direct 

result of their past relationships and early experiences, extending back to childhood. 

Many of us carry into our adult relationships the dysfunctional behaviors we witnessed and learned as children. 

If your parents separated or divorced, or if one parent abandoned the family, you could have adopted the same 

behavior patterns that prompted these events. 

If your relationships in the past were stormy or troubled, you can start now to undo attitudes and behaviors that might 

have contributed to an unsatisfying personal life. By understanding how early circumstances have had an impact on 

your life, you can begin to overcome negative habits and thinking that can affect your relationships now and in the 

future. 

Building a healthy relationship is similar to building a house. First, we must clear the land by doing away with 

the dysfunctional behaviors. This is hard work that takes time and often assistance from others. Then we must 

lay a foundation of willingness to communicate, care, and commit. Finally, we construct one story of the house 

at a time. We start with casual contact, move to companionship, then to friendship, and ultimately, if appropriate, we top the structure with romantic love and committed love.

Skip any step in building a house and the structure will be unsafe and might collapse. The same is true for building relationships. If you omit an essential step, you put the relationship in jeopardy. At first, the relationship can 

seem sound, but as time passes, flaws begin to show and the framework starts to sag. When a storm comes 

along, the relationship might break apart. 
S

trong relationships are based on shared interests, experiences, and 

trust that establish security and stability. Healthy intimacy allows 

people to feel close without fearing rejection and be vulnerable 

enough to show love without being mistreated. Yet even healthy 

relationships, in which both partners aim for mutual respect and happiness, 

have ups and downs, stretches of closeness and separateness, and periods 

of turbulence and peace. However, with a solid foundation, you will be willing 

to communicate because you know your views will be heard. You will be able 

to trust, even during tough times, because you believe your partner will not 

deliberately hurt you.

Maybe you have had relationship issues with people in the past and want to make a 

fresh start. Follow a few fundamentals to get started:

 Be honest. Parents are not always honest with their children, particularly when 

they are involved in a separation or divorce. Consequently, the children might 

believe they cannot trust their parents and grow up expecting dishonesty. Such 

lack of trust can grow into feelings of insecurity that spill over into relationships 

later in life. In your adult relationships, being consistently honest can create an 

environment in which love, forgiveness, and healing can occur.

 Deal with uncomfortable issues. Some parents believe children should be 

seen but not heard. They do not allow children to ever disagree with them, tell 

them how they truly feel, or bring up topics that make them uneasy. Under these 

circumstances, children can develop a harmful approach to communication that 

carries into their adult relationships. A healthy relationship thrives on the ability to 

talk to each other and work through conflict systematically and thoughtfully. 

 Express your feelings. All relationships involve emotions, both positive and 

negative. But identifying and sharing feelings in appropriate ways can be difficult. 

Prevent feelings from building up and exploding into a bigger problem. Speak 

respectfully and try to communicate your feelings in a way that increases the 

chance the other person will listen. Truthful communication about your emotions, 

and acknowledging their emotions, shows your loved ones you care.

 Have the courage to grow close. Young people who live through the separation or divorce of their parents, or who might have been sent to live with relatives 

or friends, often feel ignored or abandoned. You might have interpreted such 

circumstances in your past as meaning nobody could ever want you or love 

you. The fear of being rejected again can create an emotional distance between 

you and others well into adulthood. Understand that relationships do not have 

to bring pain and disappointment. You have the opportunity to love and trust 

others, and be loved and trusted by them.

As fathers, how we conduct our adult relationships has a direct effect on our children 

and grandchildren. The way we interact with our children’s mothers, our wives, our 

girlfriends, and other women in our lives becomes the model for how our sons will 

relate to their girlfriends, wives, and daughters. The opinions and actions our daughters see us demonstrate toward women shape their expectations of how they will be 

treated by the men in their future.
Overcoming your fears and dealing with past mistakes allows you to move forward with establishing 

positive, fulfilling relationships. You do not have to make the journey alone. Change and growth often are 

easier with the support of a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor who can help you identify and confront 

your emotional realities. You also might join a neighborhood or faith community fathers group where you 

can share your experiences with others on a similar path. Together you will discover that although building healthy relationships takes time, hard work, and patience, the rewards for you—and your children—

are significant.

BOOK

The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey by John Eldredge

Available in print and on audio CD

More About Healthy Relationships

ONLINE

TwoOfUs.org

Web site sponsored by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center that features tip sheets, expert advice, 

discussion forums, and researched-based resources for individuals and couples in romantic relationships.

Be a Dad Today

Take Time to

www.fatherhood.gov

Toll-free: 1-877-4DAD411

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Administration for Children and Families

Office of Family Assistance