Preparing 

Children to Cope 

with Separation

Deployed Dads

T

hose who choose a career in the military understand they will face challenges and 

make sacrifices. As the number of parents in the military has grown dramatically 

since the 1970s, these challenges and sacrifices often involve children who experience separation from their military parents on a regular basis. 

Throughout American history, children have had to deal with physical separation from their 

military fathers. Almost all children find separation from their fathers stressful. But not all 

children feel and respond the same way. Children of different ages may experience separation differently too. Helping your children adapt to changes before, during, and after 

deployment starts with you.

According to an old proverb, “The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.” In 

a military context, this proverb highlights the importance of building physical, mental, and 

emotional readiness long before it is necessary in battle. The same holds true for preparing 

your children for your deployment. The more you nurture your emotional bond with your 

children, the better prepared they will be for a physical separation from you. The quality of 

your relationship with your children now can influence how they respond to the uncertainties 

surrounding your deployment. 
T

he strength of your relationship with your children depends on many factors; for 

example, how close you feel to them; how approachable you are when they are hurt 

or have problems; how involved you are with them at home, in school, or through 

activities; how well you know their friends (real or imaginary); how affectionate you 

are with them; how well and often you communicate with them; and how well you understand 

and respond to their fears. How you relate emotionally to your children plays a major part in 

the nature of your relationship with them.

But many fathers have difficulty showing their 

emotions. Dads in the military can face even 

more challenges for expressing their feelings with 

family. The skills you need to perform your dayto-day responsibilities well in the military can be 

direct opposites of the skills you need to keep a 

good relationship with your children. 

In the military environment, you are expected 

to respect and obey without question those in 

authority. You have accountability for following orders and must accept full responsibility 

for completing assignments. As you steer successfully through authority and accountability 

requirements, you receive affirmation through 

promotions and other recognition for a job well 

done. Acceptance within your unit and the 

broader military community follows. 

The process tends to work in reverse when it 

comes to drawing your children closer to you. 

First, children need to know your acceptance 

of them is unconditional. Even if they make mistakes, they want to know you will continue to 

love them in spite of their failures. You prove your 

acceptance by affirmation through consistent 

encouragement and praise. You can reinforce 

this through showing affection, physical touch, 

and spending time with them. Acceptance and 

affirmation build and strengthen your relationship with your children. When your children feel 

emotionally connected with you, they are more 

willing to have accountability for their behavior. Rules without relationships often produce 

rebellion. Obeying your rules and meeting your 

expectations are more likely when children 

respect your loving authority and feel unconditionally loved and accepted by you. 

Being a loving father who expresses his emotions consistently to his children at home can 

be difficult to balance with the expectations 

and demands of military culture. However, 

creating a home environment now that is 

accepting, affirming, accountable, and under 

loving authority is the best way to prepare your 

children for your deployment.

If communication and the emotional bond 

between you and your children are solid and 

growing, you can maintain the connection in a 

way that does not feel awkward or forced, even 

during your deployment. Start now by following 

several simple steps: 

Make yourself available. Your absence could 

make your children feel like other things in your 

life have priority. Just by spending time with your 

children now, you can reassure them that they 

are important to you, even when you are away.

Show your affection. A touch, a hug, or a few 

comforting words will make your children feel loved. 

Make these gestures part of your daily life at home.

Be involved. Even if you have to cancel or give 

up some of your own activities, make time to be 

involved in your children’s lives. Whether you participate in school activities, attend sports events, 

or just play a board game together, interacting 

with your children and taking an interest in their 

interests will bring you closer. 

Accept your children for who they are. Your 

children should understand that no matter what 

mistakes they make or failures they have, they 

always will be loved by you. Teenagers, in particular, 

need to know that although you might not always 

approve of their behavior, you accept them as individuals. In fact, when teenagers feel accepted by 

their fathers, they are more likely to be open and 

trusting in their communication with them.

Be consistent. Young children and teens thrive 

on consistency in their lives. They feel more secure 

when they know what to expect from you. Keep 

your fathering habits steady. Dependable fathering 

behavior should be your goal even if it is difficult to 

maintain and you have to put in extra effort.
Be a Dad Today

Take Time to

www.fatherhood.gov

Toll-free: 1-877-4DAD411

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Administration for Children and Families

Office of Family Assistance

Among the resources that are available to help you build and strengthen your emotional bond with your children, two 

are particularly helpful for military fathers who might be facing deployment. The Five Love Languages of Children

by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell describes the five ways children give and receive love and explains how 

you can discover your children’s unique communication styles so you can better meet their emotional needs. From 

quality time to physical touch, the five love languages help you connect with your children, making every minute 

and word count. The Language of Love: How to Be Instantly Understood by Those You Love by Gary Smalley and 

John Trent presents effective techniques to help you express your love to your children in a variety of ways, such 

as in letters, e-mail, and telephone calls, even when you are deployed.

Every branch of the Armed Services offers information and tools to help children cope and families stay connected 

during deployment. Explore these resources for more details: 

www.militaryonesource.com

www.lifelines.navy.mil

www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil

www.myarmylifetoo.com

www.usmc-mccs.org

www.afcrossroads.com

www.uscg.mil/hq/g-w/g-wk/wkw

www.defenselink.mil/ra

www.guardfamily.org

www.milspouse.org

Military OneSource:

U.S. Navy LIFELines:

MilitaryHOMEFRONT:

Army Integrated Family Support Network:

Marine Corps Community Services:

U.S. Air Force Crossroads:

U. S. Coast Guard Health & Safety Directorate:

Reserve Affairs:

National Guard Family:

Military Spouse Resource Center:

Relationships with your children require constant attention. But the time and effort it takes to build and maintain 

strong, loving relationships will be worthwhile because the kind of father you are today can ease the effects of 

future physical and emotional separation.