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**Parenting while Policing**
June 2019 | Volume 12 | Issue 5

When someone chooses to become a law enforcement officer  they are committing to a lifestyle as much as they are a career. Officers and  their partners and spouses are conscious of the sacrifices that come with  walking the thin blue line, and they enter into it knowingly. However, the same  cannot be said for the children of officers, who are often born into a law  enforcement family and grow up with a unique set of experiences. 

          These children  learn crucial life lessons at a young age. They watch as their parent suits up  before a shift, and they learn the importance of selflessness and service to  others—especially in troubled times. They learn earlier than most that there  are dangerous and evil elements in the world and come to understand that it is  their parent’s job to engage the danger and respond to the evil.

          Children of law  enforcement officers also have to shoulder a complex set of emotions and  perspectives. They likely view their parent as a good person whose daily life  is spent protecting and serving others in a heroic and noble manner. Yet they  must balance that perception with certain portrayals of policing as unjust,  corrupt, or simply ineffective. They are also forced to live with an  expectation that they are somehow immune to the missteps of youth because they  are the child of an officer. In short, they are often held to higher behavioral  standards than other kids while having to exist in a unique emotional space where  their law enforcement parent’s commitment to sacrifice and stress becomes their  sacrifice as well.

          There is not  much written about the challenges that members of law enforcement face when  rearing children, and even less that captures what it is like to be the child  of an officer. However, in Keys  to Successful Parenting for Police Officers, retired police officer Betsy Smith offers  the following tips:
- Do not get so wrapped up in saving the world that you forget  what (and who) is at home.  The tragedies you see at work every day can make your children’s  problems seem small, but to them, they’re huge. Empathize, listen to them, and  try to put yourself in their world.
- Do not set standards so high that they are impossible to  meet.  It is no  secret that cops tend to think catastrophically, but sometimes you need to take  a step back. Are you always demanding perfection in your child’s behavior? If  your kid is starting to rebel, have you asked yourself (and them) why? 
- Use the job as a teaching tool.  Try not to shelter children of  appropriate ages from uncomfortable facts about things you’ve seen; engage them  in conversation. Try not to issue any ultimatums, but rather use those times to  talk about things like date rape, drug and alcohol use, and other uncomfortable  but necessary topics. That open line of communication is essential when you’re  trying to navigate the teen years as a parent.
- Don’t overreact.  There’s a very good chance your kid might get  into a bit of trouble, or even a lot of trouble, at one time or another. Make  sure your response is reasonable and appropriate. This is one area off the job where  your police tactics and training may pay off. Prepare ahead of time, just in  case. Mentally rehearse how you’ll react when you get some bad news about your  kid’s behavior. Practice using your tactical breathing to gain control of your  emotions and use your experience to recall all of the stupid things you’ve seen  otherwise “good” kids do. Make sure the punishment really does fit the crime,  and when dealing with the responding officer, treat them how you’d like to be  treated if it was you issuing the citation.
- Support your kid: Be a parent first, and a cop second.  “Supporting” your kid, however, does not  mean getting them out of trouble. Even if you know a responding officer, use  that inside scoop to gain information on how to treat your child. 
- Don’t make it all about you.  When our kids get in trouble, it’s immediately  going to be seen as a reflection on us. People are going to judge our  parenting, our values, and sometimes even our skill as a cop. It doesn’t help  to scream things like “You’ve embarrassed me! How could you have done this to  me? How am I going to show my face at work after this?” That kind of reaction  only reinforces to your family that your job is more important than they are.
- You do not always have to win.  On the street, coming out on the losing end of a  conflict simply is not an option. At home, the challenge is to recognize that  the dominance you must display on patrol to remain safe and protect others is  not always the best approach. When working through challenges at home, try to  focus on managing the situation into compliance. Make certain that your child  understands what is expected and how their actions were inconsistent with expectations,  and let them know what you anticipate from their behavior going forward. 

Being a parent  is difficult and being a law enforcement officer is difficult, and those  together can lead to many stressful moments and strained relationships. If you  practice empathy and patience with both of these challenges, you will find that  it will pay huge dividends in the long run.
Resources for Further Reading
Effects  of the Hypervigilance Biological Rollercoaster

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