Getting What

You Want: 

Without 

Regretting It

Later 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
 

 

Two Key Questions: 

• What do you want someone to

do? ...and...

• Why do you want them to do 

it? 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What‘s up? Why does it matter? 

• What is a task you‘d like completed? 

• What‘s blocking its completion? 

• How do you feel, when thinking about the task/situation? * 

• What needs are up for you, thinking about it?* 

*Use the lists of Feelings and Needs.

Choose 3-5 Feelings and 3-5 Needs (values) from the list 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
 

 

 

 

So far, explored: 

• Something you didn‘t like (situation) 

• How you feel about it 

• What you‘re wanting on a core level

(needs) 

***What (words/stimulis), How (impacting

you), Why (it matters) 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
NEEDS INVENTORY

CONNECTION

Acceptance

Apprecia+on

Inclusion

Collabora+on

Coopera+on

Communica+on

Closeness

Community

Companionship

Considera+on

Consistency

Empathy

Inclusion

Interdependence

Mutuality

Respect

Self-respectS

Safety

Security

Shared reality

Stability

Support	

To know and be known

To see and be seen

To understand

To be understood

Trust	

Warmth

AUTONOMY

Choice

Expression

Freedom

Independence

Space

Spontaneity

MEANING

Awareness

Celebra+on

Challenge

Clarity

Competence

Contribu+on

Crea+vity

Discovery

Efficacy

Effec+veness

Efficiency

Growth

Hope

Learning

Movement

Mourning

Purpose

Self-expression

S+mula+on

Suistainability

To maJer

Understanding

HONESTY

Authen+city

Integrity

Presence	

Play

Fun

Joy	

Humor

PEACE

Balance

Beauty

Ease

Equality

Harmony

Inspira+on

Order
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connecting with the Other 

• Go back to the same task/situation 

• How do you imagine the other person is feeling (about the

task and/or its status)? 

• What do you think he or she is needing? 

Use the list of Feelings and Needs. 

Choose 3-5 Feelings and 3-5 Needs (values) from the list 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
 

Four Basic Steps 

Observation: What‘s happening? 

Feelings: What‘s does that bring up---on a visceral level? 

Needs: What‘s driving it? (on a core level) 

Request: What is one step that could move it forward? 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
 

 

Observation 

What observing (seeing, hearing, remembering, imagining) free of 

evaulation 

“When I hear, see, think about, see....” 

Key Distinction: Free of evaluation 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
	 	 	 	 	 	 	

   

	 	 	 	 	 	

Feelings 

Honestly sharing what I’m feeling free of judgment:

“I	feel...”

Key Distinction: Free of judgment 

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC
	 	 	 	 	 	 	

Needs 

Authen+cally sharing my core needs/values free of strategy:

“because I	need/value...”

Key Dis<nc<on:	Free	of strategy

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
	 	 	 	

 

 

 

 

Request 

Request	free with CONNECTION, free of demand:

“Would you be willing to tell me...what you

heard me say?” 

Or What‘s up for you, hearing this? 

How do you feel about it?” 

Or a “Concrete, Positive, Doable” (CPD) 

request 

Key Distinction: Free of demand 

Dian Killian,	Ph.D., Work	Collabora2vely,	LLC
	 	 	 	 	 	

Three Basic Moves 

Observations 

Feelings

Needs 

Requests 

Self-Management 

Expressing with Authenticity 

Listening Empathically 

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC
	 	 	 	 	 	 	

	 	 	 	 	 	

	 	 	 	 	 	

Closing	Connec2on

What	is one thing you learned today that	you want	

to put	into prac+ce this week?

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC
	 	 	 	 	 	

Self-Management 

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC
 

	 	 	 	 	 	

Expressing with Authenticity 

.....................

.....................

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC
	 	 	 	 	 	

Listening Empathically 

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC
	 	 	

	 	

	 	

	 	 	 	 	 	

NEEDS INVENTORY

CONNECTION

acceptance

affec+on

apprecia+on

belonging

coopera+on

communica+on

closeness

community

companionship

compassion

considera+on

consistency

empathy

Inclusion

interdependence

in+macy

love

mutuality

nurturing

respect

self-respect

safety

security

stability

support

to know and be known

to see and be seen

to understand

to be understood

trust

warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

air

elimina+on

hydra+on (water)	

nourishment (food)	

movement (exercise)	

rest/sleep

sexual expression

safety

shelter

touch

warmth

AUTONOMY

choice

expression

freedom

independence

space

spontaneity

MEANING

awareness

celebra+on of life

challenge

clarity

competence

consciousness

contribu+on

crea+vity

discovery

efficacy

effec+veness

growth

hope

learning

mourning

par+cipa+on

purpose

self-expression	

s+mula+on

to maJer

understanding

HONESTY

authen+city

integrity

presence

PLAY

fun

joy

humor

PEACE

balance

beauty

communion

ease

equality

harmony

inspira+on

order

Dian Killian, Ph.D., Work Collabora+vely, LLC