Violence Against Women 235

Violence Against 

Women

Women of all ages and backgrounds are at risk of many different 

types of violence. In fact, millions of women in this country 

have experienced violence. Violence greatly affects the lives and 

health of women: the impact can last for years––even a lifetime. 

But there are places to turn for help, ways to protect yourself, 

and hope for healing and a better future. 

Women at risk

Women and girls of all ages, races, cultures, religions, education levels, and sexual orientations can experience violence. 

Based on reported cases, U.S. women 

most at risk of violence are:

l	 American Indians/Alaskan Natives

l	 African Americans

l	 Hispanics

l	 girls younger than 18

l	 women and girls living in poverty 

The impact of violence

Experiencing violence can greatly impact 

how you feel about yourself, relationships, and the world around you. It can 

affect your physical and mental health. 

And it can change your behavior and 

daily life.

No one has the right to hurt you or make 

you feel afraid. Do not let feelings of 

fear, shame, or guilt stop you from seeking help. You are not at fault, and you 

do not need to hide what has happened. 

Many people and groups are willing to 

help you.
236 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

Forms of Violence

Many	terms	are	used	to	describe	vio- •	Homicide,	femicide	

lence against women: •	Dating	violence,	dating	abuse,	teen	

• Intimate partner violence dating	violence	

• Domestic violence •	Indecent	exposure

•	Spouse	or	partner	abuse • Voyeurism

• Wife beating •	Stalking	

•	Rape,	marital	rape,	date	rape • Harassment

• Family violence •	Human	trafficking

•	Sexual	abuse,	sexual	violence,	sexual	 • Genital mutilation

assault • Exploitation

• Molestation •	Forced	prostitution

• Beating, battering •	Forced	pornography

Effects of Violence on Women

Mental health Women hurt by violence may have:

• Depression 

•	 Low	self-esteem,	loss	of	confidence

•	 Posttraumatic	stress	disorder	(PTSD)

• Guilt or shame 

•	 Shock	and	disbelief

•	 Anxiety	and	panic	attacks

• Emotional numbness

• Anger 

•	 Self-hate	or	self-blame	

• General sense of fear

• Fear of men, being alone, going out in public, intimacy, or anything that may trigger memories of the violence

•	 Suicidal	thoughts	

•	 Sense	of	being	worthless	or	without	hope
Violence Against Women 237

Effects of Violence on Women

Behavior Common actions after experiencing violence are:

•	 Thoughts or acts of suicide or self-injury

•	 Risky sexual behaviors, such as unprotected sex

•	 Alcohol or drug abuse

•	 Eating disorders

•	 Avoiding doctor visits or making unnecessary doctor visits

Physical health Common physical injuries and health problems from violence include:

•	 Increased risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV, which can lead to

pelvic inflammatory disease and a higher risk of cervical cancer

•	 Unwanted pregnancies, or rapid, repeat pregnancies

•	 Miscarriages and other reproductive problems

•	 Vaginal bleeding or pelvic pain

•	 Injuries such as bruises, cuts, broken bones, or internal damage

•	 Back or neck pain

•	 Chronic pain syndrome

•	 Trouble sleeping and nightmares

•	 High blood pressure or chest pain

• Arthritis

•	 High stress and lowered immune system

•	 Central nervous system problems, such as headaches, seizures, or nerve damage

•	 Respiratory problems, such as asthma and shortness of breath

•	 Digestive problems, such as stomach ulcers and nausea

Economic Common financial struggles due to violence are:

•	 Loss of income from missed work or a partner who withholds money

•	 Medical bills

• Legal fees

• Rent or moving costs of new housing

•	 Extra child care and protection costs

Social Common social issues due to violence include:

•	 Stigma and discrimination

•	 Trouble getting medical, social, and legal services

•	 Strained relationships with friends and family

•	 Social isolation (from family, friends, and others who could help)
238 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

Impact on children

Violence against women can also impact children. About 50 percent of men 

who assault their wives also physically 

abuse their children. Also, women who 

are abused are more likely to abuse their 

children. And children can be injured 

during violence between their parents.

Studies show children who witness or 

experience violence at home may have 

long-term physical, emotional, and social problems. They are also more likely 

to experience or commit violence in the 

future. Protect your children by getting 

help for yourself.

Common forms of violence

Although women often fear being attacked or hurt by a stranger, they are at 

greatest risk of violence from people they 

know:

l	 About 25 to 30 percent of women are 

physically or sexually abused by a romantic partner.

l	 One in 6 women reports being raped 

or sexually assaulted in her lifetime. 

And nearly 70 percent are attacked 

by someone they know. (Research has 

shown that most women do not report their rapes to police, so the actual 

number of women raped may be much 

higher.)

l	 Around 1 million women are stalked 

each year, most often by someone 

they know, such as an ex-husband, exboyfriend, or peer.

This	chapter	focuses	on	three	types	of	

common violence against women:

• intimate partner violence 

• sexual violence

•	stalking

Intimate partner violence (IPV)

IPV can be a one-time event or a pattern 

of physical, sexual, or psychological harm 

by a current or former partner or spouse. 

It happens in both heterosexual and 

same-sex couples. And it can happen in 

nonsexual relationships. Teen dating violence has many of the same risk factors, 

warning signs, and effects as IPV.
Violence Against Women 239

Forms of IPV

Physical violence or threats Your partner may:

• Hurt or threaten you, possibly with a weapon

•	 Become	violent	after	alcohol	or	drug	use

• Destroy your things

Sexual abuse or threats Your partner may:

• Force you to have sex or be sexual in other ways

•	 Threaten	to	rape	or	hurt	you	sexually

Psychological/emotional abuse IPV	often	starts	with	emotional	abuse,	then	leads	to	physical	violence.	

Your partner may:

•	 Control	who	you	spend	time	with,	where	you	go,	and	what	you	do	

•	 Trace	your	phone	calls

•	 Insult	you	and	get	angry	about	small	things

• Accuse you of cheating

•	 Make	fun	of	you

•	 Control	how	you	spend	your	money	or	refuse	to	give	you	money

•	 Act	jealous	when	you	spend	time	with	friends

• Blame you for his or her violence

•	 Use	your	children	to	manipulate	you

• Follow you when you go out

•	 Try	to	make	you	afraid

IPV is never okay, even if it only happens 

once in a while. It can be hard to admit 

you are in an abusive relationship or find 

a way out. But if your partner is hurting 

you, it is time to get help.

Many abused women stay with their 

partner out of fear or because they do 

not see a way out. Others stay because 

they love their partner and believe he 

or she will change. But the longer the 

abuse goes on, the more damage it can 

cause. Whether you decide to leave your 

partner or stay, make a safety plan in case 

IPV happens again. (See page 241 for 

“Planning Ahead.”)

If you leave, plan ahead for legal, medical, and emotional support, because IPV 

can escalate even after leaving a partner. 
240 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

You may even need help from police and 

women’s shelters. They can help you find 

ways to protect yourself and your children.

l	 If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

l	 For 24-hour help and support, call the 

National Domestic Violence Hotline 

toll-free number listed in the resource 

section on page 249.

Preventing IPV

Help prevent IPV in your own life by 

seeking and building healthy relationships. Below are some signs of healthy 

and unhealthy relationships.

IPV and Pregnancy

IPV can affect the health of the mother 

and	unborn	baby.	Abuse	from	a	partner	may	begin,	or	increase,	during	

pregnancy	and	can	lead	to:	

•	low-birth-weight	babies	and	other	

health	risks

•	death	of	unborn	and	newborn	babies

•	homicide,	which	is	the	second	leading	cause	of	traumatic	death	for	

pregnant	women	and	mothers	with	

newborns

Signs of a healthy relationship Signs of an unhealthy relationship

• Respect for each other

• Honesty

•	 Trust	and	support

• Able to compromise 

•	 Shared	decision	making

• You are able to be yourself

•	 Time	spent	together	and	apart	

•	 Good	communication

•	 Peaceful	solutions	to	conflict

• Anger control 

•	 Self-confidence	and	happiness

• Feeling safe with partner, even when he or she is 

upset

• Disrespect

•	 Blaming	and	lying

•	 Mistrust	and	jealousy

•	 Put-downs,	insults,	name	calling

•	 One	partner	controls	decision	making

•	 “Need”	to	be	with	partner;	cannot	be	without	the	

other

• Fear of partner’s temper or actions

• Partner pressures or forces other to be sexual

• Fights get out of control 

•	 Feeling	worthless	or	bad	about	yourself	

• Feeling unsafe with your partner

Early warning signs of IPV

If your partner displays one or more of 

the early signs below, get help early to 

prevent future IPV. If you start dating 

someone who displays warning signs, 

think twice about getting involved.

Does your partner or person you date:

l	 Get jealous when you spend time with 

other people?

l	 Act possessive?

l	 Have low self-esteem?

l	 Act aggressive?

l	 Create conflict, use put-downs, or 

argue a lot?

l	 Mistreat animals?

l	 Abuse drugs or alcohol?

l	 Have poor relationships with others?

l	 React badly to stress?

l	 Have extreme emotional highs and lows?
Violence Against Women 241

l	 Have a quick temper and lots of anger?

l	 Punch walls or throw things when 

angry?

l	 Need to be in control of the relationship?

l	 Have a history of bad relationships?

Highest risks of IPV

You cannot always predict whether your 

partner will become violent. But studies show some traits increase the risk of 

someone becoming violent with their 

partner. These traits include:

l	 abusing drugs or alcohol 

l	 thinking violence in a relationship is 

all right

l	 strict beliefs about traditional gender 

roles

l	 having a lot of anger or hostility

l	 a history of partner abuse

l	 depression

l	 career or life stress, such as not having 

a job

l	 having been a victim of, or exposed to, 

violence as a child 

Planning Ahead 

If	you	are	being	abused,	create	a	safety	plan.	Contact	the	

National	Domestic	Violence	Hotline	for	help.	

A few ways to prepare are to:

•	Plan	all	possible	escape	routes	from	your	home.

•	Know	your	partner’s	“red	flags”;	leave	the	house	if	you	

sense	your	partner	will	become	violent.	

•	Avoid	fights	in	rooms	without	access	to	a	door	or	where	weapons	are	kept.

•	Find	a	safe	place	to	go	if	you	are	in	danger—family,	friends,	a	shelter.

•	Get	a	court	protective	order.	

•	Memorize	emergency	numbers.

•	Have	money	available—cash	kept	with	a	friend,	a	separate	savings	account,	a	credit	card.

•	Teach	your	children	not	to	get	in	the	middle	of	a	fight	between	you	and	your	partner.

•	Have	a	cell	phone	or	calling	card	handy;	do	not	use	your	home	phone	or	cell	phone	

to	call	for	help	if	your	partner	can	trace	the	numbers.

•	Create	a	signal	to	use	with	friends	and	family	to	alert	them	to	danger.

•	Have	access	to	important	items	such	as	extra	car	keys,	a	driver’s	license,	social	

security	number,	checkbook,	address	book	or	a	list	of	important	numbers,	health	

insurance	card,	passport,	immigration	papers,	copies	of	birth	certificates	for	you	

and	your	children,	school	and	medical	records,	and	children’s	favorite	toys.

•	Keep	copies	of	important	papers	and	items	(including	a	change	of	clothes)	with	a	

trusted	friend	or	relative.
242 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

Leaving an abusive partner takes courage, support, and planning. But it is possible. For your safety and the safety of 

The Cycle of Violence

IPV can follow a three-stage cycle that 

repeats	over	and	over.	It	is	called	the	

“Cycle	of	Violence.”	

1.	Tension-building stage:	Tension	

builds	over	time	and	may	include	

“minor”	incidents	such	as	pushing	

or	threats.	To	delay	movement	to	

stage two the victim may act passive,	“stay	out	of	the	way,”	and	avoid	

making	the	partner	upset.

2.	Violent stage:	Tension	explodes,	

resulting	in	severe	abuse.

3.	Honeymoon stage:	The	abuser	

apologizes,	promises	to	stop	the	

abuse,	and	often	is	very	loving	for	

a	while.	The	abuser	may	feel	sorry	

about the abuse, promise to stop 

and	get	help,	and	show	regret	and	

extra	kindness.	The	victim	then	feels	

loved	and	believes	the	violence	will	

end.	The	cycle	then	repeats.

In time, the honeymoon stage may get 

shorter,	and	the	tension-building	and	

violent	stages	longer.	

Tension-building

stage

Violent

stage

Honeymoon

stage

your children, talk about your options 

with an IPV counselor before you leave. 

If the IPV is mild or has just started, get 

professional help before it gets worse. If 

you choose to stay with your partner, the 

abuse may get worse over time—even if 

you get help. So have a safety plan ready.

You cannot change your partner by loving him or her more, by changing yourself, or by hoping he or she will change 

if you wait it out. Your partner needs to 

get help, but even that may not stop the 

abuse. A relationship should not leave 

you feeling scared, depressed, hopeless, 

worthless, or in danger. You deserve to be 

safe and treated well. If the abuse continues, help is just a phone call away. 

Sexual violence

Sexual violence is all completed or attempted sexual contact or behavior that 

happens without your clear, voluntary 

consent. No one has the right to make 

you be sexual, including your partner. 

Sexual violence can shatter a woman’s 

life in an instant. And it can take years to 

emotionally heal from the experience. 

Sexual violence includes:

l	 Improper and unwanted touching, 

kissing, fondling, and groping. 

l	 Sexual assault, such as rape or attempted rape (vaginal, oral, or anal). This 

includes sex when the victim is drunk, 

unconscious, or unable to give willing 

consent. It also includes unwanted sex 

with a partner, spouse, or date.

l	 Verbal, visual, or other noncontact sexual actions that force a person to join 

in unwanted sexual contact or attention. This includes flashing of sexual 
Violence Against Women 243

Elder Abuse

Elder	abuse	is	doing	something,	or	failing	to	do	something,	that	causes	harm	or	risks	

harm	to	a	vulnerable	older	adult.	Nearly	90	percent	of	the	abusers	are	family	members,	most	often	adult	children	or	spouses.	Elder	abuse	also	happens	in	places	such	

as	nursing	homes	and	hospitals.	Among	the	elderly,	women	ages	80	and	older	are	at	

highest	risk	for	being	abused	or	neglected.

Elder	abuse	includes:

• physical, sexual, or emotional abuse

•	financial	abuse	such	as	taking	or	misusing	an	elderly	person’s	money	or	property,	

or	tricking	her	into	spending	or	investing	money

•	ignoring	or	abandoning	an	elderly	person	under	your	care

If	you	think	an	elderly	person	you	know	is	being	abused,	please	tell	someone.	Call	

your	local	adult	protective	services,	long-term	care	ombudsman,	or	the	police.

If	you	are	being	abused,	you	can:

•	Tell	someone	you	trust,	such	as	a	doctor	or	friend.	

•	Call	the	U.S.	Administration	on	Aging’s	Eldercare	Locator	toll-free	number	listed	in	

the	resource	section	on	page	249	to	find	a	local	agency	that	can	help.	

•	Contact	your	state	or	local	adult	protective	services	(APS).

body parts, being shown pornography, 

and verbal or written sexual harassment.

Sexual violence can happen anywhere—

on a date, at a party, at work, at home, or 

in public. The attacker may be a stranger 

or someone you know, such as a partner, 

family member, or peer. In fact, in 8 of 

10 rape cases, the victims know their 

rapist.

Survivors may feel shame or guilt. But 

you are never at fault—even if you didn’t 

fight back or say no because of fear or 

shock. You are never to blame for someone else’s violence.

If you are a survivor of sexual violence, 

professional help and support groups are 

available. Even if the abuse or assault is 

from childhood, it may still deeply af-
244 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

fect you. You are not alone, and you do 

not need to hide what happened. Silence 

only gives the abuser more power. Help 

stop sexual violence by healing yourself, 

speaking out, and supporting other 

survivors.

Sexual Violence: Risk Factors

Risk factors for experiencing 

sexual violence

•	 Young age—more than half of all rapes occur before age 18

• Drug or alcohol abuse

•	 Having experienced past sexual violence

• Living in poverty

•	 Having risky sex, such as unprotected sex, sex with many partners,

and/or sex at a young age

Risk factors for becoming 

sexually violent

•	 Alcohol and drug abuse

•	 Fantasies about forced sex (rape)

•	 Impulsive and antisocial behavior

• Preference for impersonal sex 

•	 Hostility toward women

•	 Extreme male stereotyped behaviors

•	 Sexual and physical abuse as a child

•	 Witnessed family violence as a child

Getting help after a sexual assault

Take steps right away if you’ve been 

assaulted:

l	 Get away from the attacker and find a 

safe place as fast as you can. Call 911 

and report the crime.

l	 Call a friend or family member you 

trust. Or call a crisis center or a hotline, such as the National Sexual Assault Hotline toll-free number listed 

in the resource section on page 249.

l	 Do not wash, comb, or clean any part 

of your body. Do not change clothes if 

possible, so the hospital staff can collect evidence. Do not touch or change 

anything at the crime scene.

l	 Go to your nearest hospital emergency 

room right away. You need to be examined and treated for injuries.

 • Ask if the hospital has a Sexual Asseling, or given other treatment.
Violence Against Women 245

 • Most hospitals will offer emergency 

Ways to protect yourself

To reduce your risk of sexual violence:

l	 Trust your feelings. If you feel in danger, you probably are and need to get 

away. 

l	 Notice what and who is around you. 

Know where you are going and stay in 

well-lit areas. Park your car in well-lit 

areas. 

l	 After getting in your car, drive away. 

Do not sit in your car to look at items 

you bought or make phone calls. 

l	 If you are in danger, blow a whistle, or 

yell “FIRE” instead of “help” or “rape.” 

l	 Never leave a social event with someone you just met or do not know well. 

l	 Never walk or jog alone at night or in 

secluded areas.

l	 Meet new dates in public places. Be 

careful when meeting people from Internet dating sites. Tell a friend where 

you are going and who you are going 

out with.

l	 Never drink anything that has been 

out of your sight, or that you did not 

see being poured from a new bottle. 

Date rape drugs are odorless and 

tasteless. 

l	 Avoid parties where a lot of alcohol may be served, such as fraternity events. Control your drinking at 

events.

l	 Keep your car and home doors locked. 

Lock home windows. Install home 

security.

l	 Go out in groups and have friends 

watch out for each other.

l	 Offer help to other women who may 

be in danger. 

Stalking

Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention, harassment, or contact 

that directly or indirectly communicates 

a threat or scares a person. 

Stalkers may:

l	 follow or wait for you in certain places

l	 appear at your home or work 

l	 sit outside your home 

l	 make harassing phone calls 

l	 leave written messages or objects 
246 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

Cyberstalking

Cyberstalking	is	use	of	the	Internet,	e-mail,	or	other	forms	of	online	communications	

to	stalk	another	person.	It	can	include:

• harassment or threats in chat rooms

•	e-mail,	instant	messages	(IM),	or	text	message	threats	and	harassment

•	improper	messages	on	a	message	board	or	in	a	guest	book

•	tracing	your	computer	and	Internet	use

• obscene or improper e-mail messages or photo attachments

•	sending	electronic	viruses

•	someone	pretending	to	be	you	in	a	chat	room

If	you	are	cyberstalked:

•	Log	off	right	away	and	stay	off-line	for	at	least	24	hours.

•	Send	the	person	a	clear,	written	warning	to	stop	harassing	you	and	to	never	contact	you	again.	

•	If	the	harassment	continues,	do	not	respond	to	anything	the	person	writes.	It	gives	

them	a	sense	of	power	and	can	increase	the	stalking.

l	 damage or steal your things 

l	 harass you through the Internet, 

e-mail, or chat rooms

l	 use a hidden camera to watch you

l	 use computer software and hardware 

tools to track and harass you

l	 send gifts or love letters

l	 call all the time

Stalking is illegal, yet 1 in 12 women will 

be stalked in their lifetimes. It is a crime 

that can be hard to prove, harder to stop, 

and difficult to get others to take seriously. Yet 76 percent of women killed by 

their intimate partners were first stalked 

by them.

Most victims are stalked for about 1.8 

years. These women often feel helpless, 

anxious, and depressed. They often have 

nightmares; feel out of control; have 

trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating; and live with constant fear. Stalking 

can also cause financial problems if fear 

or depression keeps a woman from going 

to work.

Steps to take if you are being stalked:

l	 Trust your instincts. If you are, or 

think you may be, in danger, find a safe 

place to go, such as a police station, fire 

station, or public area. 

l	 Plan in advance what you will do if 

you are in danger.

l	 If you cannot get out of danger, but 

can get to a phone, call 911. 

l	 Get a restraining order. If the order does not stop the stalker, call a 

violence hotline for advice (toll-free 

numbers are listed in the resource section on page 249.)
Violence Against Women 247

•	Change	your	online	identity	and	all	of	the	

information	in	your	IM	or	chat	profile.

•	Change	your	e-mail	address	and	Internet	

service	provider	(ISP).

•	For	e-mail	stalking,	contact	the	person’s	

ISP	and	file	a	complaint.

•	Keep	all	e-mails	or	log	files	from	the	stalker	

for	evidence.

•	If	you	think	you	are	in	physical	danger,	contact	the	police	or	Federal	Bureau	of	Investigation	(FBI).

Be safe online:

•	Never	post	online	profiles	or	messages	with	details	that	could	be	used	to	identify	

or	locate	you	(such	as	age,	sex,	address,	workplace,	phone	number,	school,	teams	

you	play	on,	or	places	you	hang	out).

•	Do	not	post	photos	on	a	site	that	can	be	accessed	by	the	public,	such	as	in	a	

MySpace	profile,	online	dating	profile,	chat	group,	or	blog.

•	Do	not	tell	anyone	your	online	ID	or	passwords.

l	 Take threats seriously. File a complaint 

with the police. If they cannot help, call 

a violence hotline for advice. Until the 

stalkers do something they can be arrested for, police can only talk to them.

l	 Collect evidence for police. Record 

every incident. Include the time, date, 

and other important information. 

l	 Keep videotapes, audiotapes, answering machine/voicemail messages, email messages, photos of the person 

outside your home or workplace, property damage, and any letters or e-mail. 

l	 Cut off all contact with the stalker. 

l	 Carry a cell phone at all times.

l	 Secure your home with alarms and 

motion-sensitive lights.

l	 Keep your garage and car locked. 

Check around you before getting in 

the car. Get a locking gas cap. Know 

safe locations you can drive to if being 

followed, and stay in the car and blow 

your horn to get attention when you 

stop.

l	 Get help. Tell police, your employer, 

and family, friends, and neighbors 

about the stalking.

Violence against women is a serious 

threat to health and well-being. Yet you 

can take important steps to reduce your 

risk of violence. If you have experienced 

violence, there are people who can help 

you heal emotionally and safely move on 

with your life. The first step is to ask for 

help. If you or someone you know is experiencing violence, contact the resources 

listed in “For more information” or talk 

with someone you trust. No one deserves 

to be hurt. n
248 The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages

One	Woman’s	Story

When	I	started	a	new	job	in	a	different	state,	it	was	hard	for	me	to	meet	new	people	and	make	friends.	I	became	very	lonely,	so	I	turned	to	the	Internet	for	help.	I	discovered	that	through	online	dating	sites,	I	could	easily	find	men	willing	to	meet	me	and	

buy	me	drinks.	I	enjoyed	the	company	and	attention;	each	time	I	met	a	new	person	was	

exciting,	and	it	made	me	feel	attractive,	sexy.	I	became	addicted	to	that	feeling.	While	at	

first	I	was	cautious	about	meeting	them	in	person,	I	later	became	less	concerned	about	

my	own	personal	safety.	I	ignored	the	horror	stories	I	heard	about	women	disappearing	

or	being	murdered	by	someone	they	met	on	the	Internet.	All	I	wanted	was	that	next	time	

when	I	would	get	dressed	up,	go	out	with	someone	new,	and	feel	on	top	of	the	world.	I	

was	blessedly	lucky—at	first.

I	met	Joe	online	(his	name	has	been	

changed),	and	even	though	he	lived	2	

hours	away,	we	arranged	to	meet	at	a	

halfway	point.	I	missed	all	the	warning	 Don’t let anything 

signs	from	the	start.	He	had	me	meet	him	

at	a	gas	station	where	we	left	his	car	and	

took	mine.	We	went	to	a	club,	and	I	drank	 come before your 

too	much	to	drive	home	safely.	He	said	

he	would	pay	for	a	hotel	and	promised	he	 personal safety.

would	not	try	anything	sexual.	I	trusted	

him.	He	did	not	keep	his	promise,	no	matter	how	many	times	I	said	STOP.	I	should	

have	screamed	at	the	top	of	my	lungs.	I	should	have	kicked	him.	I	should	have	left	and	

never	looked	back.	But	all	I	kept	thinking	was,	“This	only	happens	to	people	I	hear	about	

in	the	news,	not	me.	Maybe	this	is	my	fault.	Did	I	bring	this	upon	myself?”	I	should	have	

kicked	and	screamed	and	MADE	him	stop.	But	I	didn’t	want	to	make	a	scene.	I	didn’t	

want	to	drive	home	drunk.	I	didn’t	want	to	strand	him	there	with	his	car	halfway	across	

town.	I	lay	there	and	cried.	He	asked	what	was	wrong	and	I	told	him,	“You	RAPED	me.”	He	

denied	it	and	made	me	feel	like	an	idiot.	I	never	reported	him.	

The	next	morning	I	cursed	myself	all	the	way	home	for	being	so	stupid.	It	took	a	lot	of	

time	and	therapy	to	realize	that,	although	it	was	stupid	to	put	myself	in	such	a	dangerous	

situation,	what	happened	to	me	was	not	my	fault.	Even	now	it’s	hard	to	believe	that.	The	

point	of	this	story	is	not	to	scare	anyone	out	of	online	dating.	Years	later	I	signed	up	for	

online	dating	again—my	sense	of	personal	safety	and	self-esteem	intact—and	I	met	the	

man	of	my	dreams.	The	important	thing	to	remember	is	this:	don’t	let	anything	come	before	your	personal	safety.	And	don’t	be	afraid	to	scream	like	crazy	and	cause	a	scene.	You	

are	worth	it.

Lisa 

San Diego, California
Violence Against Women 249

For More Information...

Office on Women’s Health, HHS

200 Independence Ave SW, Room 712E

Washington, DC 20201

Web site: www.womenshealth.gov/

violence

Phone number: (800) 994-9662,

(888) 220-5446 TDD

Administration on Aging, HHS

1 Massachusetts Ave

Washington, DC 20201

Web site: www.eldercare.gov

Eldercare Locator: (800) 677-1116

National Center on Elder Abuse, AOA

c/o Center for Community Research and

Services

University of Delaware

297 Graham Hall

Newark, DE 19716

Web site: www.ncea.aoa.gov

Phone number: (302) 831-3525 for

information on elder abuse,

(800) 677-1116 to find help in your state

Office for Victims of Crime Resource 

Center, DOJ

PO Box 6000

Rockville, MD 20849-6000

Web site: www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/ovcres

Phone number: (800) 851-3420

National Center for Victims of Crime and 

the Stalking Resource Center

2000 M St NW, Suite 480

Washington, DC 20036

Web site: www.ncvc.org

Phone number: (800) 394-2255,

(800) 211-7996 TTY/TDD

National Domestic Violence Hotline

PO Box 161810

Austin, TX 78716

Web site: www.ndvh.org

Phone number: (800) 799-7233,

(800) 787-3224 TTY

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline

Web site: www.loveisrespect.org

Phone number: (866) 331-9474,

(866) 331-8453 TTY

Rape, Abuse and Incest National 

Network and the National Sexual Assault 

Hotline

2000 L St NW, Suite 406

Washington, DC 20036

Web site: www.rainn.org

Phone number: (800) 656-4673