Child Welfare Information Gateway

Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS

1250 Maryland Avenue, SW

Eighth Floor

Washington, DC 20024

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Email: info@childwelfare.gov

https://www.childwelfare.gov

Impact of Adoption 

on Birth Parents

FACTSHEET 

FOR FAMILIES

August 2013

Disponible en español

https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/impactobio/index.cfm

Use your smartphone to 

access this factsheet online.

What’s Inside:

• Responding to the adoptive placement

• Gaining control and resolution

• Maintaining contact

• Resources

This factsheet discusses some of the emotional 

issues that parents may face after making the 

decision to place an infant for adoption, in 

surrendering the child, and in handling the 

feelings that often persist afterwards. It may be 

a helpful resource for birth parents as well as 

family members, friends, and others who want to 

support birth parents. It may also provide insight 

to adopted persons and adoptive parents who want 

to understand the struggles faced by birth parents. 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents https://www.childwelfare.gov

2

The information provided also may be 

applicable to parents whose children have 

been removed from their home and whose 

parental rights have been terminated.

It is difficult to generalize about the feelings 

or experiences of all birth parents. Many 

birth parents feel that the child will have 

a better life in an adoptive home and are 

putting the child’s best interests ahead of 

their own when they make the decision 

to place the child for adoption (Child 

Welfare Information Gateway, 2007). Other 

reasons birth parents place their children 

for adoption include societal and family 

attitudes, personal goals and ambitions, 

and socioeconomic situations (Evan B. 

Donaldson Adoption Institute, 2007). Each 

birth parent has faced a unique experience 

and dealt with the situation in his or her 

own way, but certain themes emerge in 

the literature, including grief, guilt, and 

resolution. This factsheet addresses these 

issues, as well as issues concerning possible 

contact. Helpful resources, such as websites, 

documents, and organizations, provide 

additional information.

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare 

Information Gateway. Available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_impact/index.cfm

Responding to the 

Adoptive Placement

Birth parents often describe a variety 

of feelings and experiences, including 

grief, thinking about the child, guilt and 

shame, identity issues, and effects on other 

relationships.

Grieving the Loss of the Child 

Placing a child for adoption can be 

traumatic for the birth parents (Henney, 

Ayers-Lopez, McRoy, & Grotevant, 2007). 

Most parents considering placing their child 

for adoption struggle with the decision. 

Parents who decide to place their child 

for adoption begin to plan for a great loss 

in their own lives with the hope that the 

decision will result in a better life for their 

baby and for themselves. The birth and the 

actual surrendering of the baby may prompt 

various phases of grief in the birth parents, 

including shock and denial, sorrow and 

depression, anger, guilt, and acceptance 

(Romanchik, 1999). 

All these feelings are normal reactions 

to loss. Birth parents may feel a sense of 

ambiguous loss, or the loss of someone 

who still is or who may be alive, which is 

different than the loss of someone who 

has died (Powell & Afifi, 2005). Friends and 

family of the birth parents may attempt to 

ignore the loss by pretending that nothing 

has happened, or they may not understand 

what the birth parents are experiencing 

(Aloi, 2009; Evan B. Donaldson Adoption 

Institute, 2007). Although many people 

view the loss of a child as the most 

traumatic event one can experience, they 

may not accord birth parents an appropriate 

level of sympathy because the loss is 

viewed as a “choice.” In some cases, the 

secrecy surrounding the pregnancy and 

adoption may make it difficult for birth 

parents to seek out and find support as 

they grieve their loss. In addition, the lack 

of formal rituals or ceremonies to mark 

this type of loss may make it more difficult 

to acknowledge the loss and therefore to 

acknowledge the grief as a normal process 

(Aloi, 2009). 

The actual physical separation from the 

child generally occurs soon after the birth. 

Many circumstances can have an impact 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents

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on the birth parent’s feelings at the time, 

including mixed feelings about the adoptive 

placement, support from other family 

members and the other birth parent, and 

whether the planned adoption is open 

(i.e., allowing some later contact with the 

child). The actions of the agency personnel 

(if an agency is involved), as well as those 

of the adoption attorney, adoptive parents, 

hospital personnel, and physician can all 

affect the feelings of the birth mother and 

father as they proceed through the adoption 

process and the termination of their 

parental rights.

When birth parents first deal with their 

loss, the grief may be expressed as denial. 

The denial serves as a buffer to shield them 

from the pain of the loss. This may be 

followed by sorrow or depression as the loss 

becomes more real. Anger and guilt may 

follow, with anger sometimes being directed 

at those who helped with the adoption 

placement, especially if there was coercion, 

no matter how subtle, or if the mother had 

no other viable options. The final phases, 

those of acceptance and resolution, refer 

not to eliminating the grief permanently 

but to integrating the loss into ongoing life 

(Romanchik, 1999). 

Many birth parents continue to mourn 

the loss of their child throughout their 

lifetime, but with varying intensity. In a 

study of birth mothers 12 to 20 years after 

placement, approximately three-quarters 

continued to experience some feelings of 

grief and loss, and one-quarter reported no 

current grief or loss (Henney et al., 2007). 

Some of the factors that have been found 

to be associated with longstanding grief 

include:

• A birth parent’s feeling that she was 

pressured into placing her child for 

adoption against her will (De Simone, 

1996)

• Feelings of guilt and shame regarding the 

placement (De Simone)

• Lack of opportunity to express feelings 

about the placement (De Simone)

• Dissatisfaction with an open adoption 

(Henney et al.)

• Having a closed adoption (Henney et al.) 

Grieving Other Losses 

Placing a child for adoption may also cause 

other (secondary) losses, which may add to 

the grief that birth parents feel. They may 

grieve for the loss of their parenting roles 

and for the person their child might have 

become as their son or daughter. These 

feelings of loss may reemerge in later years, 

for instance, on the child’s birthday, or 

when the child is old enough to start school 

or reach other developmental milestones. 

Some clinicians report that birth parents 

may experience additional grief when they 

have other children because it reminds them 

of the loss of this child on a daily basis or, if 

they encounter future infertility, they may 

perceive the loss as a “punishment.”

Thinking About the Child 

Birth parents are unlikely to “forget” the 

child they placed for adoption. In one study, 

all the birth mothers, including those in 

both open and closed adoptions, reported 

thinking about or feeling something about 

the child to some extent, with the average 

response indicating occasional thoughts or 

feelings. These thoughts and feelings were 
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both positive and negative, but they tended 

to be more positive when the adoption 

was more open (Lewis Fravel, McRoy, & 

Grotevant, 2000). Additionally, birth parents 

who are not in contact with the child may 

maintain fantasies about the child, such 

as continuing to visualize the child as an 

infant years after the adoption (Rosenberg & 

Groze, 1997). 

Guilt and Shame 

Birth parents may experience guilt and 

shame for having placed their child for 

adoption due to the social stigma that some 

attach to this (De Simone, 1996; Evan B. 

Donaldson Adoption Institute, 2007). This 

guilt and shame may exacerbate the grief 

being felt by the birth parents. Some birth 

parents may feel shame in admitting the 

situation to parents, friends, coworkers, and 

others. Once the child is born, the decision 

to place the child for adoption may prompt 

new feelings of guilt about “rejecting” 

the child, no matter how thoughtful the 

decision or what the circumstances of the 

adoption. Other birth parents may feel guilt 

or shame because they kept the pregnancy 

or adoption a secret.

Identity Issues 

Placing a child for adoption may trigger 

identity issues in some birth parents. They 

may need to determine who the child will 

be in their lives and how the child will be 

in their lives (Lewis Fravel et al., 2000). 

Birth parents will need to redefine their 

relationship to the child (Romanchik, 

1999). Their status as parents may not be 

acknowledged among family and friends, 

and if they go on to have other children 

whom they raise, this may also affect how 

the birth parents view their own identity, 

as well as that of all their children. Birth 

parents in open or mediated (i.e., semiopen) adoptions may face additional 

identity issues as they interact with the 

adoptive family. In one study, adolescents 

who were adopted and in contact with their 

birth mothers most frequently noted their 

birth mother’s role as a friend, with some 

also reporting relative, another parent, or 

birth mother role (Grotevant et al., 2007). 

In another study, birth mothers most 

frequently desired to play a nonkin role in 

the birth child’s life (Ayers-Lopez, Henney, 

McRoy, Hanna, & Grotevant, 2008). This 

relationship, as well as the birth parent’s 

perception of his or her identity, may 

change over time due to various issues, such 

as formal changes to the level of openness 

or the adopted child’s wishes.

Effect on Other Relationships 

Some birth parents may have trouble 

forming and maintaining relationships 

(Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, 

2007). This may be due to lingering feelings 

of loss and guilt, or it may be due to a fear 

of repeating the loss. Other birth parents 

may attempt to fill the loss quickly by 

establishing a new relationship, marrying, 

or giving birth again—without having dealt 

with the grief of the adoptive placement. 

In a study comparing teens who had placed 

their infants for adoption and those who 

parented them, though, birth mothers 

who placed their children had a more 

positive quality of relationship with their 

partners (Namerow, Kalmuss, & Cushman, 

1997). A few birth parents report being 

overprotective of their subsequent children 

because they are afraid of repeating the 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents

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experience of separation and loss (Askren & 

Bloom, 1999). 

For some birth parents, the ability to 

establish a successful marriage or longterm relationship may depend on the 

openness with which they can discuss their 

past experiences of birth and adoption 

placement. Some birth parents never tell 

their spouses or subsequent children of their 

earlier child (Evan B. Donaldson Adoption 

Institute, 2007). Others are comfortable 

enough with their decision to be able to 

share their past.

In some cases, the birth mother may lose 

her relationship with the birth father under 

the stress of the pregnancy, birth, and 

subsequent placement decision. The birth 

parents may also lose relationships with 

their own parents, whose disappointment 

or disapproval may be accompanied by a 

lack of support. In extreme cases, the birth 

mother may need to leave her parents and 

her home. The birth mother may lose her 

place in the educational system or in the 

workplace as a result of the pregnancy. Birth 

parents may also lose friends who are not 

supportive of either the pregnancy or the 

decision to place the child for adoption 

(Romanchik, 1999). 

Gaining Control 

and Resolution

Each individual’s path toward reconciling 

the placement of a child for adoption is 

different, but there are some common 

themes: (1) resolving grief, (2) making peace 

with the decision, (3) incorporating being 

a birth parent into one’s identity, and (4) 

overcoming the effect of the experience 

on other relationships (Evan B. Donaldson 

Adoption Institute, 2007). Acceptance of the 

loss and working through the grief does not 

mean that birth parents forget their birth 

child and never again feel sorrow or regret 

for the loss. Rather, it means that they are 

able to move forward and integrate this loss 

into their ongoing lives. For those in an 

open adoption, this may mean developing 

a new relationship with the child and the 

adoptive parents. For birth parents whose 

child was adopted in a closed adoption, it 

may mean learning to live with uncertainty 

about whether the parent will ever see the 

child again. 

The following describes ways birth parents 

may cope with the placement of their child:

•	 Rituals. Birth parents may find it helpful 

to create a tradition that honors the 

child and the decision that was made. 

Some birth and adoptive parents use 

an entrustment ceremony as a ritual 

to transfer parental roles. Entrustment 

ceremonies can take place in the hospital, 

a church, a home, or any other location 

in which the families feel comfortable. 

There are no guidelines to an entrustment 

ceremony; the families can tailor the 

ceremony to fit their needs and wishes. 

Entrustment ceremonies allow the birth 

parents to say good-bye to their child and 

to maintain a sense of control over the 

placement. Birth parents also may choose 

to establish other ongoing or finite 

rituals, such as commemorating certain 

days or milestones in the child’s life, such 

as the child’s birthday or a high school 

graduation or writing a letter to the child, 

whether they send it or not. 
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•	 Finding	Support. Birth parents can 

seek out family, friends, support groups 

of other birth parents, or understanding 

counselors to communicate their feelings 

and gain support. Being able to openly 

share feelings is often helpful in moving 

through the stages of grief and achieving 

some resolution. 

•	 Education. There are a number of 

books, articles, and websites (including 

blogs) about adoption and the birth 

parent experience. Many of these include 

first-person accounts from birth parents, 

which can provide some context about 

what other birth parents experience. 

These resources can be helpful to birth 

parents who may feel that they are alone 

in their loss.

•	 Writing. Birth parents may find it 

useful to keep a journal or blog of their 

experiences and feelings. This may serve 

as an outlet for grief or other emotions, 

and it can also serve to provide some 

perspective over time. Keeping a journal 

also allows birth parents to remember 

details that might otherwise be forgotten 

over the years.

•	 Counseling. Birth parents may find that 

they need more support than family and 

friends can offer, or they may be unable 

to move forward in the grieving process. 

In such cases, professional counseling 

may help the birth parent make progress 

in dealing with the grief or may reassure 

the parent that such feelings are normal. 

A counselor should be able to help a 

birth parent replace unrealistic fantasy 

with reality, to acknowledge what has 

happened, and to accept the reality of the 

birth parent role. Birth parents should 

look for counselors who have significant 

experience with adoption and with 

bereavement. Referrals for counselors may 

come from friends, birth parent support 

groups, or from the adoption agency or 

attorney who helped with the adoption. 

•	 Other Postadoption Services.

Birth parents also may benefit from 

postadoption services, such as support 

groups or mentoring programs. Some 

birth parents may be reluctant to return 

to the agencies that facilitated their 

placements and seek out in-home services 

or other agencies (Evan B. Donaldson 

Adoption Institute, 2007).

While the birth parent will never forget 

the child, it is important that the birth 

parent adapts to the new circumstances 

and comes to terms with any regret. When 

birth parents are able to integrate the loss 

into their lives and gain some feeling of 

control, they can then move on to deal with 

whatever else life brings to them. 

Maintaining Contact

Placing a child for adoption does not 

necessarily mean a birth parent will never 

be able to contact the child again. Adoption 

can have some degree of openness, 

including some communication between 

the birth and adoptive families, or the birth 

family or the adopted person may attempt 

a search and reunite later in life. Birth and 

adoptive parents need to determine the 

level of openness that best matches the 

needs and wishes of all parties. Birth parents 

can benefit from information about the 

advantages of open adoption for children.

The number of open adoptions (in which 

the birth and adoptive families know each 

other’s identities and have direct contact) 
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents

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and mediated adoptions (in which contacts 

between the birth and adoptive families are 

made indirectly through a mediator) are 

on the rise. In a 2012 survey of adoption 

agencies with infant adoption programs, 

agencies reported that only 5 percent of 

their placements during the previous 2 

years were confidential, with 55 percent of 

the adoptions being fully disclosed and 40 

percent being mediated (Siegel & Livingston 

Smith, 2012). Although the context around 

each adoption is unique, research indicates 

that open adoption can be beneficial for 

birth parents. Birth parents in an open 

adoption have been shown to have better 

postadoption adjustment, increased 

satisfaction with the adoption process, and 

better grief resolution (Henney et al., 2007; 

Ge et al., 2008). For additional information 

about open adoption and birth family 

contact, visit Child Welfare Information 

Gateway at https://www.childwelfare.gov/

adoption/adoptive/contacts.cfm. 

Even if an adoption was not structured as 

having some level of openness, or if the 

level of openness has declined over time, 

birth families and adopted persons still 

may seek out each other on their own. In 

a study of 125 birth mothers’ intentions to 

search for their children, 33 percent stated 

they would not initiate a search, 50 percent 

stated they would initiate a search, and 

17 percent indicated they might initiate 

a search (Ayers-Lopez et al., 2008). The 

primary reasons provided for not searching 

were that the birth mothers felt it was the 

child’s right to decide whether to initiate 

the search and that they did not want to 

disrupt or complicate the child’s life. The 

primary reasons provided for wanting to 

initiate a search were (1) desiring to have 

contact and a relationship with the child 

and (2) wanting to know about the child. 

Nearly four-fifths of the birth mothers felt 

their children might search for them, with 

most of those mothers feeling positive about 

possible contact.

With seemingly everything available 

on the Internet, birth families and 

adopted persons are much more easily 

able to research contact information 

and establish connections than they 

have been in the past. This increase in 

information availability is changing the 

landscape of privacy and confidentiality, 

including in adoption (Child Welfare 

Information Gateway, 2013b). With a 

simple Internet search or a review of 

social media sites, individuals may be 

able to quickly determine identities 

and establish connections. Search 

and reunion among birth parents and 

adopted persons is not new, but the 

speed at which it can occur is. Because 

of the sometimes instantaneous nature 

of the Internet, connections may be 

attempted without giving pause for 

self-reflection, consideration of the 

consequences, or assistance from 

support systems, such as family, friends, 

and professionals (Howard, 2012).

Since search and reunion can be 

enormously emotional and may tap 

into strong feelings of separation and 

loss, adoption professionals strongly 

recommend emotional preparation 

before search and reunion. Preparation 

will help individuals think through 

their expectations and prepare for a 

range of potential reactions from the 

other party, including rejection (Child 

Welfare Information Gateway, 2013a).

SEARCH AND REUNION 

AND THE INTERNET
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents https://www.childwelfare.gov

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Conclusion

Although the decision to place a child 

for adoption can be a painful process and 

affect many aspects of a birth parent’s life, 

many birth parents are able to reconcile 

the loss and make peace with the decision. 

Recent shifts away from secrecy and toward 

openness in adoption are not a panacea for 

the grief, loss, or other negative experiences 

a birth parent may have, but research 

indicates that openness can be beneficial to 

birth parents, as well as people who were 

adopted. Additionally, the ever-increasing 

availability of information and supports for 

birth parents, particularly on the Internet, 

provides a way for parents make a more 

informed decision, find assistance as they 

move through the process, and discover 

other parents who have had similar 

experiences.

Resources

Child Welfare Information Gateway.

This service of the Children’s Bureau 

provides information and publications 

about a wide range of adoption topics. It 

also provides adoption statutes for each 

State.

•	 Impact of Adoption on Adopted Persons 

(https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_

adimpact.cfm) 

•	 Searching for Birth Relatives (https://www.

childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_search.cfm)

•	 Searching for Birth Relatives (list 

of organizations) (https://www.

childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/rl_dsp.

cfm?svcID=132&rate_chno=AR-0031A)

•	 Are	You	Pregnant	and	Thinking	About	

Adoption? (https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/f_pregna/index.cfm) 

•	 Openness	in	Adoption:	Building	

Relationships	Between	Adoptive	and	Birth	

Families (https://www.childwelfare.gov/

pubs/f_openadopt.cfm) 

•	 Working	With	Birth	and	Adoptive	

Families	to	Support	Open	Adoption

(https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_

openadoptbulletin.cfm)

• Laws Related to Adoption (https://www.

childwelfare.gov/adoption/laws/)

• State Statutes Search (https://www.

childwelfare.gov/systemwide/

laws_policies/state/) 

• National Foster Care & Adoption 

Directory Search (https://www.

childwelfare.gov/nfcad/) 

America	Adopts:	Birth	Mother	Blogs.

This website helps connect prospective birth 

and adoptive parents and also includes a 

series of blogs by birth mothers. http://www.

americaadopts.com/birth-mother-blogs/ 

Concerned	United	Birthparents	(CUB).	

This is a national organization focused on 

birth parents. http://www.cubirthparents.

org

Donaldson	Adoption	Institute. The 

Adoption Institute provides information 

about a wide array of adoption issues. 

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org 

IChooseAdoption.org. This website, 

which was developed by the National 

Council for Adoption, provides adoption 

stories and resources for birth parents, 

adopted parents, and adopted persons. 

http://ichooseadoption.org/
Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents

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https://www.childwelfare.gov

Insight: Open Adoption Resources

and Support. The Insight website offers 

resources for professionals, adoptive 

parents, and birth parents considering open 

adoption. http://www.openadoptioninsight.

org

Minnesota/Texas Adoption Research

Project. This website provides information 

on a longitudinal study of openness in 

adoption. http://www.psych.umass.edu/

adoption

National Resource Center for

Permanency and Family Connections.

This service of the Children’s Bureau 

provides training, technical assistance, and 

information services regarding a variety of 

permanency issues, including the topic of 

birth family support and education. http://

www.hunter.cuny.edu/socwork/nrcfcpp/

info_services/birth-family-issues.html 

Open Adoption Bloggers. This website 

lists more than 300 blogs about open 

adoption, including those by birth parents, 

adoptive parents, and individuals who were 

adopted. http://openadoptionbloggers.com 

References

Aloi, J. A. (2009). Nursing the 

disenfranchised: Women who have 

relinquished an infant for adoption. 

Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health

Nursing, 16, 27–31. 

Ayers-Lopez, S. J., Henney, S. M., McRoy, 

R. G., Hanna, M. D., & Grotevant, H. D. 

(2008). Openness in adoption and the 

impact on birth mother plans for search 

and reunion. Families in Society, 89, 551–

561. doi: 10.1606/1044-3894.3815

Askren, H. A., & Bloom, K. C. (1999). 

Postadoptive reactions of the 

relinquishing mother: A review. Journal of

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Korff, L., Skinner, B., Newell, J., Friese, 

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H. D. (2000). Birthmother perceptions 

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child: Adoption openness and boundary 

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Namerow, P. B., Kalmuss, D., & Cushman, 

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Suggested citation:

Child Welfare Information Gateway. 

(2013). Impact of adoption on birth parents. 

Washington, DC: U.S. Department of 

Health and Human Services, Children’s 

Bureau.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Administration for Children and Families

Administration on Children, Youth and Families

Children’s Bureau