1

Parenting Your Adopted 

Preschooler

FACTSHEETS FOR FAMILIES | OCTOBER 2020

Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov

Children ages 3 to 5 are limited in how much 

they can understand about adoption. Like all 

young children, adopted children are naturally 

curious and may ask many questions. They are 

also growing and changing rapidly. As their 

abilities develop, so will their understanding 

of their place in their families and 

communities. These early years are a good 

time for you to start talking about adoption 

in a positive and relaxed manner. Beginning 

this practice sooner rather than later will help 

set the stage for open communication and 

healthy development as your child grows. 

This factsheet is designed to help you 

understand the impact of adoption on your 

preschooler’s development and provide 

practical strategies to build a warm and loving 

relationship with your child based on honesty 

and trust. This factsheet can serve as a 

reference during your child’s preschool years.

WHAT'S INSIDE

Talking openly about adoption

Adoption and child development

Behavioral and mental health concerns

Discipline considerations 

Conclusion

Additional resources
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 2

ADOPTION AND CHILD 

DEVELOPMENT

It is important to understand the typical 

developmental tasks and needs of 

preschoolers, as well as how adoption-related 

experiences may affect them. This will help 

you better meet your child’s needs, promote a 

closer relationship, and identify and address 

any potential developmental delays.

PRESCHOOL DEVELOPMENT

Preschoolers don’t need special classes or 

expensive toys to learn and grow. Simple 

everyday interactions, such as singing, 

talking, touching, rocking, and reading, 

can help create a bond with your child and 

support healthy growth. Being aware of 

key milestones and typical behaviors that 

can surface in young children can help you 

better understand your child’s development 

and emotions. The following resources offer 

positive parenting tips, information on safety 

and health, and more.

 "Adoption: Developmental Ages and Stages", 

a webinar from the Quality Improvement 

Center for Adoption and Guardianship 

Support and Preservation 

 Preschoolers (3–5 Years of Age)—

Developmental Milestones, a Centers for 

Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) 

webpage 

 Preschooler Development, a National 

Library of Medicine webpage 

 Understanding Developmental Stages and 

Adoption and Developmental Stages, two 

sections on the Child Welfare Information 

Gateway website

EFFECTS OF EARLY EXPERIENCES ON 

DEVELOPMENT 

Children's brains grow rapidly during the 

first years of life and are shaped by their 

experiences, both good and bad. When 

the brain is stimulated in positive ways, 

connections related to those experiences 

form (for example, talking and singing with 

and reading to your child helps develop the 

connections related to language). Negative 

life experiences—such as maltreatment, 

involvement with the child welfare system, 

and institutionalization—also impact brain 

functioning and are risk factors for cognitive, 

emotional, social, health, and developmental 

delays. They may also cause sensoryprocessing issues, where children can be 

either sensory seeking or sensory avoiding as 

a means of calming their nervous systems.

GAPS IN DEVELOPMENT

Children who spent a lot of time in an 

institution and/or who experienced 

maltreatment may not have learned how to 

communicate well or express their feelings. 

Young children in institutional care (e.g., 

orphanages) are at risk for delays in mental, 

social, and physical growth. They also 

may have challenges processing sensory 

information or with balance and movement. If 

this was your child’s experience, your child’s 

developmental age may fall short of his or 

her chronological age, and it may be helpful 

to think of your child as being younger. This 

reduces expectations that can frustrate a 

child or damage his or her self-esteem.
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If you notice significant delays, loss of previous 

skills, or extreme behavior, contact your child's 

doctor. You should also report if your child has 

excessive reactions to touch, light, sounds, 

and motion. A medical professional can help 

assess your child's development and determine 

if serious delays exist. Under Federal law, a 

young child who might have a physical, sensory, 

mental, or emotional disability is guaranteed 

the right to an assessment. If your child receives 

Medicaid, screening is free through the Early 

Periodic Screening, Diagnosis, and Treatment 

program. If you disagree with your professional, 

seek a second opinion or press for further 

testing. 

If your child is found to have a disability, he 

or she might be eligible for early childhood 

special education. This can include speech 

therapy, occupational or physical therapy, and 

counseling. Some services can be provided at 

home, while others may be offered at a child 

development center. For information about early 

developmental and behavioral screening, visit 

the U.S. Department of Education's webpage 

Birth to 5: Watch Me Thrive: Promoting Early 

Developmental and Behavioral Screening. 

For more information, see the CDC webpage on 

developmental disabilities and the Information 

Gateway webpage, Postpermanency Services 

for Children With Disabilities.

BEHAVIORAL AND MENTAL 

HEALTH CONCERNS

Preschool-age adopted children, like all young 

children, may wrestle with a host of behavioral 

and mental health issues that impact their 

behaviors and emotions. Understanding the 

experiences and emotions behind the behaviors 

can help you respond appropriately and, in turn, 

help your child. It is important not to take these 

behaviors personally but also to understand 

that how you react to a child's behaviors and 

emotions can cause them to escalate or calm 

down. This section explores some of the 

experiences and conditions that can trigger 

certain emotions or behaviors.

ADOPTION-RELATED LOSS AND GRIEF

Without the proper interventions or counseling, 

children who experience separation from their 

birth parents may feel an unresolved sense 

of grief that can persist into adulthood. Even 

children adopted as infants will experience 

grief about the loss of their birth parents and 

a potential life with them. These feelings may 

recur as they age, particularly at milestones 

in life, even when the adoption was a positive 

experience. Unresolved grief can affect a child’s 

emotional and mental development. 

Children adopted as preschoolers often feel sad 

or angry about their separation from the people 

they remember. This may include birth family 

members, foster parents, and/or brothers and 

sisters. Young children may experience grief 

and need to mourn and work through loss. You 

can help your child by answering questions 

honestly, accepting their feelings, and helping 

While access to your child's background 

and medical history is essential, detailed 

information is not always readily available 

for a variety of reasons. For help in 

retrieving important details about your 

child, consult Information Gateway's 

Obtaining Background Information 

on Your Prospective Adopted Child 

and Providing Adoptive Parents With 

Information About Adoptees and Their 

Birth Families.
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 4

them remember important people in their 

past. It is important to accept sadness as 

a normal part of a child’s coming to terms 

with adoption, and you should avoid rushing 

him or her through it. If, however, your 

preschooler seems sad or angry much of the 

time, seek help. Extreme behaviors or moods 

(control issues, withdrawal, apathy, extreme 

fearfulness, poor appetite, aggressiveness) 

may result from unresolved grief or may 

be signs of untreated trauma. If your child 

shows these behaviors, look for an adoptioncompetent therapist or counselor who 

specializes in young children. Ask other 

adoptive parents for recommendations 

whenever possible. In many cases, anger 

and difficult behaviors subside in time, after 

children have vented or worked through their 

emotions.

Learning to be comfortable with your own 

feelings about adoption and why you chose 

to adopt (e.g., infertility), and being honest 

about your sadness over missing out on your 

child’s earliest experiences, can help to create 

a positive and significant bond with your 

adopted child. You may acknowledge your 

own sadness by saying something like, "I'm 

sad, too, that I didn’t get to be with you when 

you were just a little baby, but I’m happy that 

your birth mother (and father) had you and 

that you came to live with me, and now we 

can always be together."

CHILD ABUSE OR NEGLECT

If your child experienced early neglect or 

abuse, that experience could limit his or 

her physical, mental, emotional, and social 

development. Often children can catch up 

to peers, but in some cases development 

is permanently affected. Children whose 

early lives are harsh and/or unpredictable 

may not be able to develop the trust needed 

for healthy coping skills. Sexual abuse can 

have an especially negative impact on young 

children by altering a child’s understanding of 

appropriate roles and relationships. Physical 

abuse and harsh physical punishment may 

affect how a child responds to discipline.

TRAUMA

Trauma is an emotional response to a stressful 

experience (such as child abuse, neglect, 

institutionalization, and multiple placements) 

that threatens or causes harm. Depending 

on individual temperament, resilience, and 

the nature of the trauma experience, trauma 

can overwhelm a child’s natural ability to 

cope and interfere with physical, cognitive, 

emotional, and social health and development. 

Some of the signs of trauma in preschoolaged children include irritability (fussiness), 

tantrums, startling easily or being difficult to 

calm, repeating traumatic events in play or 

conversation, and delays in reaching a variety 

of milestones. See Information Gateway’s 

Helping Children Address Past Trauma

webpage for related resources.

Related Information Gateway 

Resources

 Finding and Working With AdoptionCompetent Therapists (Factsheets for 

Families)

 The Impact of Adoption (Factsheets for 

Families

 Helping Adopted Children Cope With 

Grief and Loss (webpage)
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 5

Trauma exposure may not always be obvious. 

Ask your adoption professional if a trauma 

screening or formal mental health assessment 

was done, and request one if not. Discuss the 

availability of trauma-focused treatment. Be 

sure an adoption-competent practitioner is 

used. See Information Gateway’s Finding and 

Working With Adoption-Competent Therapists

for more information.

INSECURE ATTACHMENT

Children who have experienced separation 

from their family, multiple placements, 

institutionalization, maltreatment, and/or 

involvement with the child welfare system 

may also exhibit problems that reflect a lack 

of healthy attachment to a caregiver. This 

can affect social and emotional development, 

including difficulty with social relationships, 

struggles with emotional regulation, 

aggression, low self-esteem, and depression. 

Helping Children Overcome Trauma 

Trauma can have a significant sensory impact on young children and affect their behaviors and how 

they relate to others. Harmony Family Center, a Tennessee-based agency offering evidence-based 

therapeutic services to children and families, created a developmental timeline with specific sensory 

interventions (pp. 51–59) that parents and caregivers can use based on a child's developmental 

stage, behavior, mood, or needs. For example, if the child appears tired or underresponsive, a hand 

massage or music and movement games might help. If the child appears fidgety or unfocused, 

activities such as "wheelbarrow walks," deep-breathing exercises, or blowing bubbles might help. If 

the child is kicking, hitting, or throwing objects, activities such as running, throwing appropriate items 

(e.g., beanbags), stomping on rubber stress balls, or playing with water balloons can help redirect 

things. These are just a few of the several behaviors and moods and proposed sensory interventions 

that are included. Below are some additional resources:

 Harmony at Home is another Harmony Family Center tool that shares practical tips and activities 

to help with parenting challenges (e.g., a trauma-responsive approach to challenging behaviors, 

sensory regulation, therapeutic parenting for traumatized children, story-time suggestions).

 Pathways to Permanence 2: Parenting Children Who Have Experienced Trauma and Loss is an 

eight-session curriculum from ACT: An Adoption and Permanency Curriculum for Child Welfare 

Professionals developed by Kinship Center, a member of Seneca Family of Agencies in California. 

 The American Academy of Pediatrics created a trauma guide that includes links to helpful 

resources such as Parenting After Trauma: Understanding Your Child's Needs—A Guide for Foster 

and Adoptive Parents, a factsheet that discusses the impact of early trauma and how to help your 

adopted child cope, and When Things Aren't Perfect: Caring for Yourself and Your Children, 

a factsheet for parents that explains how early experiences can affect children emotionally and 

physically and impact behaviors and health.
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 6

You can use knowledge of your child's history 

and developmental needs to help enhance his or 

her attachment to you. Making time to offer your 

child undivided attention, nurturing, and physical 

closeness can help build attachment and trust. 

This is particularly important for children who 

have experienced traumatic life events because 

positive, healthy relationships with supportive and 

loving caregivers increase the odds of recovery. 

Nurturing and Attachment, an Information 

Gateway webpage, and Attachment Issues With 

Adoption, a section on the Creating a Family 

website, provide additional information.

ADOPTION-RELATED FEARS AND FANTASIES

Young children who have already lost one home 

might be very fearful of losing another. This may

lead to increased insecurity. Fears may take the 

form of sleeping or eating difficulties, nightmares, 

separation difficulties, nervousness, or increased 

allergies and illnesses, but there are ways you 

can build your child’s physical comfort level and 

emotional security. As a means of self-protection 

to stave off additional hurt or loss, children may 

also push parents away or severely test limits to

 see if parents will reject them. Most children are 

unaware they are doing this. There are several 

steps you can take to curb this self-defensive 

behavior:

 Build a safe environment. Install nightlights, 

buy soft cuddly clothing, prepare favorite 

foods, and give your child extra attention. 

Try to keep important toys and clothes from 

your child’s past. Establishing consistent 

routines and rules will also help your child 

feel safe and secure.

 Let your child know that you will always be 

there. Reassure your child that your family 

and home are permanent. If your child was 

adopted past infancy, he or she may experience 

separation anxiety. When you leave the house, 

make sure to point out that your departure 

is temporary. Offer something of yours, like a 

watch or bracelet, to get back from your child 

when you return. This helps a child believe that 

you really will come home.

 Acknowledge fantasies. Many children 

fantasize about an alternate family life. Some 

children dream of a "real" mother who never 

reprimands or a father who serves ice cream for 

dinner. The fantasies of an adopted child may 

be more frequent or intense because another 

set of parents really exists. Accept your child's 

pretending or wishing without defensiveness. 

 Give your child permission to talk about birth 

family members and/or wonder about family 

they have not met. You can even take the lead 

by saying, "I wonder whether your birth mom 

or birth dad likes peanut butter as much as you 

do" or "I wonder who you got your clear blue 

eyes from." Teach your preschooler that it is 

okay to care about both adopted parents and 

birth parents.

 Introduce pets and/or encourage interaction 

with animals. Interaction with animals can 

be very therapeutic. Something as simple as 

holding or petting an animal can help ease 

anxiety and loneliness. Pets can also help 

teach children the importance of trust and 

responsibility, as well as how to regulate 

emotion (if a child wants to pet a cat, he or 

she will learn to be calm and not scare the cat 

away). Children may also discover that once 

they are able to handle a pet, they are better 

able to manage their own lives. Monitor early 

pet experiences as some children may not know 

how to behave around animals, and this ensures 

the safety of both your child and the animal.
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 7

DAYCARE/PRESCHOOL ISSUES

Aside from parents and immediate family, 

school is often the most consistent and 

predictable part of a child's life. So, for 

children who may have experienced traumatic 

life events, such as child maltreatment, 

separation from loved ones, and/or multiple 

moves, a structured classroom environment 

that includes interaction with supportive 

adults can help children develop resilience 

and improve in other emotional, behavioral, 

and social areas. However, parents may 

need to help school staff be more aware 

of and sensitive to the needs of adoptive 

families. Certain assignments may be difficult 

for adopted children, such as bringing 

baby photos to school. Ask that adoption 

be included in materials and discussions. 

Consider donating appropriate picture books 

about adoption, and help teachers learn 

positive adoption language

DISCIPLINE CONSIDERATIONS

The purpose of discipline is to teach, reteach, 

and assist children in developing their own 

internal controls. Discipline should take 

into account your child's abilities, learning 

styles, and family history. There are many 

resources available to help parents learn and 

use positive discipline. This section provides 

information about a few specific strategies 

that may be particularly useful for parents of 

adopted children.

Parents with children who have been abused 

or neglected need to be especially careful. 

Physical punishment and threats of physical 

punishment should not be used as forms 

of discipline. See Information Gateway's 

Parenting Children and Youth Who Have 

Experienced Abuse or Neglect for information 

and resources on disciplining a child who has 

been maltreated.

ESTABLISH ROUTINES AND RULES

Young children thrive on consistency and 

routine. Routines and rules help children 

begin to organize their worlds and regulate 

their own emotions; they can be especially 

helpful for children whose worlds previously 

felt chaotic. Children are generally more 

cooperative and secure when they know what 

to expect. 

Preschool children need just a few simple 

rules to promote child safety and family 

harmony. From the moment your child joins 

your family, establish the household routines 

that will ease everyday life. Routines for meals 

and bedtime are especially important. Be 

patient when explaining and demonstrating 

your rules and routines. Be cautious about 

varying the routines until you are sure your 

child is used to them and feels secure. For 

example, it might be in your child’s and your 

family’s best interests to decline a dinner 

invitation at another’s family home until a 

routine is established.
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USE DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE 

REWARDS AND CONSEQUENCES

Children respond better to praise and positive 

attention and rewards than to scolding or 

correcting. Preschoolers love being told 

that they have done something well. Praise 

reinforces positive behaviors, and children 

will seek more chances for praise. Try to let 

your child know ahead of time of what the 

consequences of specific actions will be so 

they have a chance to choose the desired 

behavior.

Be sure to notice and praise specific behaviors. 

For example: "You did a great job waiting your 

turn" is more effective than "You're a good 

girl." In fact, nonspecific labels such as "good 

girl" may backfire with adopted children who 

were neglected or abused. Their self-esteem 

may be so low that they cannot believe they 

are good or worthy. 

As preschoolers mature, they begin to see the 

connection between cause and effect. With 

this ability, they are ready to learn through 

both natural and logical consequences. 

Natural consequences occur without parental 

intervention. The natural consequence of 

leaving a toy outside overnight might be that 

it gets rusty or stolen. Logical consequences 

are determined by the parent. For example, 

a logical consequence of running into the 

street may be to come inside for the rest of 

the afternoon.

When using logical consequences, it is 

important to be extra sensitive to a child 

who has experienced poverty or neglect. 

For such a child, the loss of a toy might seem 

so tragic that it interferes with the lesson to 

be learned. Coach, explain, and give second 

chances. If your child was prenatally exposed 

to alcohol, he or she may have extra difficulty 

understanding the connections between 

actions and consequences. Work with a 

knowledgeable therapist or parent coach to 

develop an appropriate discipline strategy.

Is your discipline negative or 

positive?

Instead of threatening, for example, 

"You can’t go to the park tomorrow if you 

don’t pick up your toys," do you try to 

motivate your child by saying "Why don’t 

you pick up your toys so we can go to the 

park together tomorrow"? Can you think 

of another way to encourage your child?

Do you warn, for example, "No TV 

later if you’re not quiet while I make 

this important phone call"? or do you 

encourage this way: "I need to make an 

important phone call. I know I can count 

on you to be quiet so we can watch TV 

later"? Can you think of another way to 

use positive encouragement?
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Use Time In Versus Time Out

Many parents and teachers of preschoolers like to use a brief period of isolation to help a 

child regain self-control. This is known as time out. For children who have developed a secure 

attachment to others, a few minutes of time out are often effective. These children don’t like to be 

alone, and they will improve their behavior quickly so that they can rejoin the group. If you use time 

out for your 3- to 5-year-old, keep it short, and remain in sight of your child. 

The time out method is not, however, the best approach for children who have been neglected, 

abused, or institutionalized. The main challenge in parenting these children is to help them form 

healthy attachments. In these cases, use the time-in method. Time in is useful because it avoids 

distancing kids from parents, playmates, and the rest of the family. When your preschooler’s behavior 

indicates out-of-control emotions, take him or her aside and say: "Time in. You need to stay right 

here with me until you are ready to join the group." Keep the child physically close to you until he or 

she is calmer. If the child is extremely agitated, you may need to sit him or her securely on your lap. 

This will send the message, "You are having a hard time with control. I am here to help you." (Taking 

a Time-In With Your Child, a how-to guide developed for parents by Rainbow Kids, an adoption and 

child advocacy group, offers useful tips.) Attending parenting classes or reading parenting books 

specific to adoption, attachment, or children exposed to trauma also will be helpful. 

The Information Gateway website hosts a section on Parent Education Programs that offers helpful 

resources, and the Center for Parenting Education provides related articles, including "Limit Setting 

vs. Discipline: What’s the Difference" and "Consequences for Preschoolers". See also the Parenting 

Adopted Children With Challenging Behavior webpage on the Creating a Family website. The 

Harmony Family Center shares practical tips and activities in its Harmony at Home resource to help 

with discipline challenges in children dealing with trauma (e.g., a trauma-responsive approach to 

challenging behaviors, sensory regulation, therapeutic parenting for traumatized children, storytime suggestions).
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 10

TALKING OPENLY ABOUT 

ADOPTION 

Projecting an attitude of normalcy and 

comfort surrounding adoption will help your 

child explore his or her own feelings and fears. 

With young children, how you say something 

matters as much—or more—than what 

you say. Stay relaxed and matter of fact. 

Your tone of voice is important. Parents who 

tense up when the topic of adoption is raised 

may send the message that something is 

wrong with being adopted. Similarly, keeping 

information “secret” implies that adoption 

is negative, bad, or scary. Remember, it’s 

okay if you don’t know the answer to your 

child’s questions—just be honest and tell 

them that—but it’s never okay to make up 

details about your child’s past. This section 

provides strategies to help you communicate 

effectively with your preschooler. 

Preschoolers love stories. Chances are your 

child will want to hear their own adoption 

story—again and again. These years are a 

great time to practice approaching the topic 

comfortably and honestly. Preschoolers are 

limited in how much they can understand 

about adoption, so simple explanations will 

work best. Be concrete and use props, such 

as dolls, simple drawings, and story books. 

Remember that young children may not be 

ready to hear all the details regarding their 

adoption, particularly upsetting details 

relating to their early treatment or their 

birth family.

Keep it simple. Preschoolers generally feel 

good about having been adopted but may 

still have questions. At this age, they are 

beginning to question where babies 

come from. The most important idea for 

the preschooler to grasp is that he or she was 

born to another set of parents and now lives 

with your family. (Some adopted preschoolers 

have thought that they were not born.) You 

can help your child understand this idea 

using clear and simple explanations. (“Babies 

grow in a special safe place inside their birth 

mothers’ bodies.”) Don’t worry if they initially 

reject the explanation.

Word choice matters. Children this age are 

also self-centered and concrete in their 

thinking. They often blame themselves 

for life events. Language is an important 

consideration whenever discussing adoption, 

both with your child and in response to other 

people’s questions when your child is present. 

Tell the adoption story in words that will help 

him or her build a positive identity, calm fears, 

and understand his or her personal story.
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 11

 SAY THIS NOT THAT

Birth mother/father

Biological mother/father 

First mother/father

“Real” mother/father

“Natural” mother/father

Mother/father ”Adoptive” mother/father

We could not have a baby 

born to us.

We could not have our own

baby.

Your birth parents had 

grown-up problems, so they 

could not take care of a child.

Your birth parents were not 

able to take care of you.

They made a plan for you to 

be adopted.

They gave you up for adoption.

The child was adopted. The child is adopted. 

THIS NOT THAT

How to Talk About Adoption

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING WORD CHOICES:

Talking About Adoption, a section on the Information Gateway website, offers several helpful 

resources. See also the article from Creating a Family, "Talking About Adoption Part 1: Talking With 

0-5 Year Olds," which is the first of the four-part series, Talking With Children About Adoption.
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 12

CREATE A LIFEBOOK

A "lifebook" contains the background and 

story of your child’s life. It is a sort of 

personal history book, where your child can 

collect pictures of important people, places, 

and events, as well as objects and other 

memorabilia that have a personal meaning and 

helps answer, "Who am I?" See the Lifebooks 

section of the Information Gateway website 

for resources, tips, and samples.

SUPPORT BIRTH FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

When children have contact with their birth 

parents, siblings, or other relatives, it can have 

great benefits for the adoption constellation—

the adoptee, the adoptive family, and members 

of the birth family. The child’s best interests 

should always guide when and how contact 

occurs. Information Gateway’s Maintaining 

Connections With Birth Families in Adoption

webpage offers several related resources 

for establishing and preserving these 

important relationships.

HELP YOUR CHILD WITH POSTADOPTION 

CONTACT

Adoptive parents sometimes worry about 

maintaining relationships with the birth family 

(i.e., Will their child prefer the birth parent? 

Will the child reject the adoptive family? Can 

the child become confused about having two 

families?). As a result, adoptive parents may 

initially be hesitant to maintain contact. It is 

important to always consider the best interests 

of your child in these relationships and consult 

your adoption professional for guidance. 

Contact with the birth family helps a child 

develop his or her identity, build self-esteem, 

and feel more—not less—attached to the 

adoptive family. 

Preschool-age children have limited 

understanding of their relationship to their 

birth parents (e.g., one little boy explained, 

"Susan is my birthday mother because she 

comes to my birthday parties.") Help your 

preschooler see that these other parents or 

relatives are an important part of their lives. 

Speak of them respectfully and comment on 

their positive qualities. Seeing that you value his 

or her birth relatives or previous caregivers will 

help your child feel better about him- or herself 

and closer to you. Children attach and bond 

with those who love and care for them daily, 

and relationships with birth families need not 

be threatening to adoptive parents. Information 

Gateway's Maintaining Connections With Birth 

Families in Adoption webpage provides related 

resources.

MAINTAINING CONNECTIONS IN RACIALLY 

OR CULTURALLY DIVERSE ADOPTIONS

In racially or culturally diverse adoptions, 

cultivating relationships with individuals from 

your child’s background, and connections where 

possible and appropriate, may be particularly 

important in helping a child develop a positive 

self-identity. If your child has no known birth 

family member contacts, show your interest 

in trying to find as much information about 

your child’s background as you can. If adopted 

internationally, help your child learn about his 

or her country of origin—its culture, history, 

language, native foods and manner of dress, and 

current events. Talk about the possibility of a 

future family trip there, if financially possible. 

If your child is from a different race or heritage 

than you, help them to build relationships with 

individuals who share their background. This 

will help provide them with positive role models 

and build healthy self-esteem and identity. 
Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: info@childwelfare.gov | https://www.childwelfare.gov 13

Resources for racially and culturally diverse 

families are available on Information 

Gateway’s Adoption by Family Type: Racially 

and Culturally Diverse Families webpage. 

See also Information Gateway’s Parenting 

in Racially and Culturally Diverse Adoptive 

Families and the National Council for 

Adoption’s Adoption Advocate issue on 

Proactive Engagement: The Adoptive Parent’s 

Responsibility When Parenting a Child of a 

Different Race.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES 

The following resources may be helpful for 

adoptive parents of young children:

 The Center for Adoption Support and 

Education provides resources for adoptive 

parents.

 The National Council for Adoption provides 

resources for adoptive parents.

 Parenting Infants and Young Children is 

an Information Gateway webpage that 

provides information and resources for 

adoptive parents of young children.

 Parent Education to Strengthen Families 

and Prevent Child Maltreatment is an 

Information Gateway issue brief that 

explores parent education.

 Postadoption Services and Support is 

an Information Gateway webpage that 

provides information and examples of 

postadoption services.

 Support for Parents Who Adopt From 

Foster Care is an AdoptUSKids webpage 

that focuses on understanding the 

emotional needs of children who have 

experienced foster care.

CONCLUSION 

It is never too soon to help your child 

understand adoption and the role it plays 

in both of your lives while also increasing 

your comfort level with—and sensitivity 

to—potential related issues. The preschool 

years offer a valuable opportunity to nurture 

a parent-child bond based on honesty and 

trust. With a few adjustments, these early 

years can provide the foundation for healthy 

development and a warm and loving parentchild relationship.

Suggested citation: Child Welfare Information 

Gateway. (2020). Parenting your adopted 

preschooler. U.S. Department of Health and 

Human Services, Administration for 

Children and Families, Children’s Bureau. 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/

factsheets/preschool/

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information 

Gateway. This publication is available online at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/preschool/.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Administration for Children and Families

Administration on Children, Youth and Families

Children’s Bureau